Segments - 231: Prostitution

Episode Date: August 29, 2016

In this episode we discuss parties, balloons, and sleeping with coworkers. This episode is brought to you by WarbyParker and Squarespace! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. I just sucked your dick, bro. Oh, you're young. My little cousin, she has double D's, which is just perfect. Go join the baseball team or get out of my lawn. What do you like to do? I suck, yo! Yes, dude!

Yes, dude! That's not how I fight, you know. I feel like we should stop the podcast. We're supposed to want to fuck these speakers. I'll give you a mold of his dick. Guys, technically no. No more fucking. And you're just lying on the floor.

You're just staring at the ceiling. No, man, I quit. Whoa. Were that all quotes from the show? It was quotes from If I Were You, yeah. There was no, like, Jake and Amir video quotes in there? No, I think it was, like, Thomas and Ben and Yes Dudes and Us Talking. I think so.

That's cool. Yeah. Good shit. That was written and directed by Toby Bishop. If you do use it, please shout out my Twitter. Should we charge him or should we go for it? Let's go for it because we used the song. I know.

I think we have him on the hook, though. You rat. You absolute rat. Let me see if I can get him to Venmo me even 500 bucks. We have to move on with the show. So you want to put this whole entire thing on hold? Yeah, let's take a break for a day at most because he's in London. He might be asleep.

No, it's at Toby Y. Sam. T-O-B-Y-Y-S-A-M. Toby Y. Sam. Because on his Twitter, he's going to be posting the SoundCloud link to the track there and similar comedy rap beats in the future. Very, very nice. He's a good businessman, so he's like saying, you can follow me on Twitter, and then he's incentivizing it by saying the actual song

that you just heard will be there, plus in addition to that, similar comedy rap beats. Smart, smart man. So thanks, Toby Bishop, for creating that techno version

of the Jurassic Park. He said it was based on Ben Schwartz's impression of a Jurassic Park guy at our London live show. I remember that. London live show still on HeadGum's YouTube page. You can watch it set to photos of Tom Corbishley. Now, you're a good businessman. Thank you.

And then, like I said, please, please, please give me money and cash for... What are you talking about? I want... Because I'm trying to figure out ways to not take advantage of people. We're recording this now, but I know just five minutes ago in this podcast, we've already shilled our company out for money

with some ad sponsor. And now you're saying, we're five minutes into the show, and you're making another request for cash. I'm stopping the train. During the beginning of the show, you were saying that you wanted cash from somebody before you promoted his Twitter.

And then the next sentence, you promoted our HeadGum YouTube channel. I'm saying, follow us, give us cash, back and forth. Ten minutes into the show, roughly, and it's all been promotions asking for cash. We're talking about the two-minute ad read in the beginning, too. Oh, yeah, yeah.

So it's all cash, promotion, self-promotion, you asking people for cash, and then this recap. This re-cash, which recaps, wreaks havoc on the cash flow that I don't have. Thank you so much for listening to If I Were You. This is the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I am Jacob Pencooper, her with social security number 15531. Does it matter? I guess.

Does it? Like, what can you do with your name and social security number? With my soc? Yeah. I don't know. Well, with that, I'm not. Let's say yours. What do you do with your name and social security number? With my soc? Yeah. I don't know. What would that... I'm not... Let's say yours.

What do thieves do with it? Amir Shmuel Blumenfeld. Six, four, four, nine, eight. How do you know mine? How do you have it committed to such memory? I actually... I memorized it to get your goat. What's that?

I do know your social security number. And it's just to get my goat. To get your goat. Just's that? I do know your social security number. And it's just to get my goat. To get your goat. Just to like needle me. And it's like, I don't really know what you can do with it. And neither do you. Yeah, but I'll always know it.

Yeah, you can't force somebody to forget. Because once they have it, they have it forever. Oh yeah, baby. Do you know my phone number? Do you actually know my phone number? I don't know it off the top of my head, no. If you were to just guess it, what would you guess?

I would guess it was 818-530-11... The numbers are definitely within that, but not in the right order. And then also some of the numbers are wrong. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think I know your number. You do? Yeah. Is it? Oh, no. We're live-streaming the beginning of this. I was going to say. That's really dangerous.

What if I get it fucking right? Wow. It's not close. It's okay. I am getting some phone calls. Oh, shit me. Fuck. No, you're okay.

You're okay. I had to... Oh, you know what? I had to change my number anyway just because I've been harassed by a gaggle of tweenagers. My niece and her little shit friends have been fucking trolling her uncle.

And her shit boyfriend because he's 38. So he's sort of putting him up to it. That's enough. All right, sorry. I apologize. Jesus. All right.

We have some questions here that we need to answer. These, as always, are real questions from real people. Going to give them fake names just to preserve some level of... Anonymity, baby.

I've got a great idea for fake names this episode. Okay. Today is the one-year anniversary party that we're having at HeadGum. Right. It's been the one-year anniversary. We've had HeadGum for a little over exactly a year. So let's name this after a podcast. Okay.

That have been with us. The original cruise. Over a year. Okay. So let's get a lady podcaster's name. This is why you were single. So we can use Laura or Angela. How about we call her Laura Angela?

Yeah, Laura Angela. Yeah, like Maya Angelou, but Laura. Cool. Hey, you coy diva roaches, here's my dilemma. I've never really dated anyone before at uni. I somehow always just end up going straight to fucking guys especially my friends i fucked one of them on and off for the

whole four years i was a student i also fucked one of my co-workers i think mainly because there wasn't anyone else around and now i've met a guy who i've gone on a handful of dates with we've seized the cheese and i and what I sometimes catch myself thinking is, I've had better. He didn't even go down on me, for Christ's sake. Also, I think I might be becoming attracted to another co-worker. Am I now scum? Shall I just keep fucking dudes?

I do think it's time I actually gave dating a go. Todah. Love. You two Jews. Laura Angelou. Laura Angelou. Am I scum now? Am I a scum for that? Am I scum?

It's hard because... Did I become scum then? There is a weird stigma for having sex a lot. But if you just replace sex with like tennis, nobody would say you're scum for playing tennis with a lot of people metaphor because tennis is just as fun as sex and everyone comes yeah so and there's love involved and balls yeah and and andy murray's good at it so why is there a negative stigma around sleeping with a lot of people? Why is it considered scummy? I think because a lot of haters can't make it happen, so they got to hate on it.

Oh, so like it's rooted in jealousy, do you think? I don't know. I wonder. I mean, now it feels like it's like rooted in religion or whatever. I think everything sort of stems from jealousy, doesn't it? I don't know. Do you negatively, if somebody's like,

I slept with 500 people, would you be like, that's not good? I don't think I would say that's not good. But I think I judge people in other ways. Like, if I found out that someone slept with someone who I thought was like a piece of shit,

then I would be like, oh, that's gross. But it actually doesn't matter that much. Right. So why does she feel like scum? I guess because society projects an unfair judgment on women who are more promiscuous, though I wouldn't even call sleeping with a friend and a coworker very promiscuous. Yeah. What if this is everybody? What if this is the full recap?

Yeah, I mean, I don't think it really matters. I don't think that she should feel like she's scum. She's not scum, but shall she keep fucking dudes? Is there anything to waiting? Is there anything to dating? You could date and fuck. There's no rules. You don't have to do one thing and not do another.

You can fuck your friends, but also go out on dates. And then maybe if you really start to like somebody, then you'll stop fucking your friends. But if you still want to fuck your friends, then maybe you shouldn't date anybody very seriously. Just do whatever you want. Nothing, I mean, as long as you're not hurting anybody. Pure heart rule, baby. Yeah, nobody's getting negatively affected, right? If anything, you're making people excited because they like sleeping with people.

Yeah. But isn't there some sort of drawback to sleeping with a bunch of people? Sounds awesome to me. I guess if you're doing it in a healthy, safe way, and if you're not using it to like replace, I don't know, like real real a deeper level of happiness like if you're just trying to have sex with people to get temporary joy and then it goes away and it ends up digging you into a deeper hole

of sadness but I need to project that narrative on her I feel like that's a narrative that's projected on women when they're sleeping with a lot of people it's like oh what void are you trying to fill don't use sex to gain a better connection to somebody. You should be waiting for sex.

No one ever says that to a guy that's fucking a lot. Yeah, they're not like, what are you trying to, you can't lock someone down. Why are you using sex as a crutch to make happiness? I don't think that's, no. I completely disagree with that premise. So shall I just keep fucking dudes or should I give dating a go? You can do both.

Keep fucking dudes and give dating a go? Dating involves fucking dudes. I've read that. Good luck. I think it's nice. It's always nice to not fuck too many of your friends because then it might make your friendships weird. And I think friends are something that's like a fulfilling aspect of your life that you can't easily replace friends as easily as you can replace dudes that you're fucking. Yeah.

If you want to fuck less dudes, the don't you... The first rule should be don't fuck coworkers and then maybe don't fuck friends and then things will, at the very least, get less complicated at work. Fucking coworkers is kind of fun, but let's cap it at two.

You can fuck two coworkers. It's like the World Cup soccer team. Under 23, you can have three exceptions. So don't fuck any co-workers, but you can choose three that you do. I like that. I like that a lot. Yeah. But fuck, I don't know. I'm pretty anti-fucking co-workers. I'm totally pro.

Which is weird, because here it's just three dudes hanging out, and you fuck both of them. Yeah, I don't know. Just when I'm at work, I try, I can't, I don't want the stickiness of sexy stuff to follow me into the office place. I think it probably matters the size of your office. And the size of your peen. Yeah. Or the depth of your V. Yeah. I feel like, yeah, if it's a bigger company, then it's a little easier.

If we did it here, it'd be really uncomfortable because there's only four of us in the office. Yeah. You're just blowing Marty when we get here. Yeah, right. Marty's blowing me. That's awesome, dude. Trust that. Trust that. That's really cool. All right. Yeah. And maybe you should give dating a go. Maybe you'll like it even more than sleeping around with a bunch of people. Who knows? Only you, but you're not scum. So don't worry about that, Laura Angelo. All right, here's another question, but it's from a guy. Ooh, this one can be from Twinnovache. Jeff, Dave, and Mike, and Mike, and Nick. Jeff, Dave Jeff Dave Mike Nick writes, I'm a junior in high school from Chicago,

and my best friend and I have been creating a t-shirt brand, and it's going swimmingly. However, we needed funding in order to print the shirts, and we were struggling in finding donations. This is good because it's a hustle, just like the Twinnovation guys. It's perfect. While I was out of town, my friend was talking to some of our wealthy acquaintances and ends up talking to a girl we met at a party to see if she wanted to pitch in. Very weird girl, never stopped staring at me the entire time. I found out that she likes me and that she began auctioning me off, so to speak, saying a dinner date with me would cost $270. A hookup would cost $470. And she agreed to fund the entire thing, $1,300, if I would go down

on her and she could blow me. When he confronted me about it, I was blown away by the fact that he didn't consult me at all since I'm very unattracted to this girl. I agreed reluctantly, but my question is, should I really go through with it for the sake of our business? And would it be considered selling myself? I'm not attracted and I'm not a stranger to fooling around. I'm sorry, I'm not attached and I'm not a stranger to fooling around. Any advice would be great. Your fan, Dave, Mike, Jeff, Nick.

So, wait, just to be clear, the friend is the one that started the auction. Yeah, he's like, hey, you can fuck my friend for $1,300 or take him to dinner for $2,700. It wasn't the girl that was like, let me blow your friend for $1,300. Well, the girl agreed to it. Both parties seemed to agree with the price. But the friend is the one that put his friend is the friend that is the one that's

pimping his friend out. Yeah, exactly. I like that he says, would it be considered selling myself? That's the definition of selling yourself. You put prices on things, on your body. You said she could blow you for $1,300. But, you know, everything has a price. Selling yourself isn't, like, so bad. It's just selling yourself for $1,300 might be.

Oh, so you're saying if she gave you more cash, it would be fine. If it was a million dollars, then yeah, you know? You're right. I guess it's... I'm saying right that I understand, not that I agree.

It's early enough. High school, your high school t-shirt business, I guess like, it sounds like you have a more viable business just fucking people that you don't want to.

Yeah, stop selling shirts and start just blowing. Yeah. Getting blown. Just become a prostitute. Yeah, that way you don't have to worry about, like, brand awareness. And you get to be blown a lot. It is prostitution. Or is that the word for it?

Prostitution? Paying someone for sexual favors? Yeah. So it seems illegal. The fact that you're under 18, for whatever reason, makes it feel extra illegal. What you can do, here's the gray area here. A dinner date would cost $270. That's just, that's, you're not even doing anything sexual. You're just going

to dinner with someone and she's paying 270. I'd go to dinner four times rather than getting blown once. It just feels like you shouldn't accept that money. You should just go out to dinner with her and this is how business works. You you you you you favors

and this is how like Ponzi schemes work. You like pray on vulnerable people to give you money. That's not how like business works. Like, oh, you make a great t-shirt, then they give you money and they've gotten something and you've gotten something. But like praying on people's loneliness and sadness doesn't really... I'm trying to figure out why that feels less morally ambiguous. It's like, what's the equivalent? A TV ad, for example, a commercial that shows a dad giving his daughter McDonald's.

And then you're like, oh, that's a very sweet commercial. Maybe I'll go to McDonald's. I feel like it's that level. Of course not. Is that preying on people's insecurities? It's like, oh, don't you want to be a better daddy? Get your kid McDonald's. I mean, indirectly, I guess it is.

It's causing you to associate McDonald's with familial love. Yeah, exactly. And connecting with your daughter. But this is just literally saying to an unattractive, lonely person, I'll hang out with you for cash. And I think you could argue by saying, you know, like business is an exchange of goods or products that somebody desires for money, you know, money for experience in this case. But I think we all know that this is, on its face,

a little depraved, a little depressing, and a little manipulative. You can't get around it. Forget the TV commercial thing. Fundraising dinners. You pay $2,000 a plate, and the money goes to the event, and then also to the charity yeah i mean this is a real

one people do this there's auctions we participated in auctions where we auctioned off an experience with us and it was a blow job yeah like how are you what are you what's this 180 all of a sudden i'm saying no matter how you spin it you can't come back and tell me that this guy going down on this girl for $1,300. I didn't say that. I didn't say that he should be going down. Him taking her out to dinner. They're juniors in high school. She's going to pay him $250.

$270. Don't shortchange it. Who's paying for the dinner? Don't think that it comes out of the $270, sweetheart. Yeah. That's on top. That's cream on the top. I'm going to make my case by just not saying anything again.

That's the sauce. So go ahead. You make a case for this guy robbing. Not robbing. Not robbing. Not robbing. Here's a question. 270, we've already decided, is morally sound.

Good to go. Go for it. I think we can both agree on that. A hookup is $470. Suddenly that's a little gray. What do we do? Am I kissing? That's a little weird. What's in between? Let's figure out.

What's $370? A hug? Good night? It's like watching a movie after dinner. That's nice, actually. So dinner, movie, sit next to me. Netflix is $370. Netflix and chill, $1380. That chill is going to cost you, yeah, the chill costs you $930 extra.

Okay. Don't do this. My suggestion is do it a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Go for the dinner mug. But make sure that you get the 270 on top of the dinner don't go dutch don't do this now's not a time to be chivalrous bro uh all right let's now is the time to be chivalrous and take her out to dinner uh don't accept the money. Another pre-approved question.

We need a guy's name. Black men can't jump. Jarrah, James, and John. The Jays. Hey, pals. So recently I was invited to my friend's 21st birthday party, which I immediately promised to attend. The only problem is I just found out my other much closer friend is having a 20th birthday party at the same time. I would just show up to one, leave a little early,

and then head over to the other. Except one of the parties is pretty far out of town, so I don't think that can happen. Both parties seem like smaller get-togethers, just for good friends. So I feel like I would be making some sort of statement by skipping one for the other. How do I navigate the situation? Should I do what I said I would and go some sort of statement by skipping one for the other. How do I navigate the situation? Should I do what I said I would and go to the first party, which admittedly sounds like it would be more fun? Or do I go to the second party for someone who is one of my best friends and dearest closest friends? And how do I tell the person whose party I don't go to? I love all my buddies and I don't want to make them feel like I don't care about them.

The two partyparty rule. Yeah. Also, what's the title of the subject of this email? Because I thought it was really funny. My gay ass in a party pickle. I think this person has a specific answer that he wants us to give. He wants to go to the much closer friend. The problem is when the better party... He wants to go to the better party friend. The problem is when the better party...

He wants to go to the better party, which is not the closer friend. Oh, he said my closer friend is having the 20th. Right. He wants to go to the one that he already committed to. He wants to go to the cool party. And then his best friend is having a lame party. And he's like, I already committed to this other one. I think the answer is that you go to your best friends and you don't have to let the other person down because they don't care as much.

Right. So the question is, yeah, instead of saying, which one will you have a better time at? The question is, which one would you feel worse for skipping? Yeah. Which no is harder to give? Yeah. Well, that's the nice sympathetic way because it's saying, I don't care about my wants and needs. I'm saying, which one will make my friends the least happy?

So if it will make your friends sad to go to somebody else's party, then you want to go to your friend's party. But if you want to just maximize your joy, you go to the one that you want to go to. But if making your friends sad makes you sad, suddenly you're not maximizing your joy at all because his sadness is affecting your sadness. So what you really should do is give less of a shit about your friends. That way you can be more selfish, go to the party you want to go to. It doesn't negatively affect you at all. Your friend is sad, whatever, he'll get over it. You're kind of a sociopath. You're having a fucking grade A time at the better party and then say, sorry, bro,

I already committed to the Better Party. Is it just me or are you doubling down on being a real jerk this podcast? I'm going for it. I don't know. I don't know if it's the coffee soylent that I had or what, but I'm feeling it. It's the coffee that you butt chugged on the way up here? I'm feeling myself. Yeah, it's ultimately which one will make you, like, if you really don't care about your friend, then don't go to that party.

But if you care about your friend, then you probably have to go to his party. Yeah, it seems like you care about the friend. What do you do when you're stuck in between two parties? I usually find a way to do both. Right. Or you do the thing where, like, hey, I'm going to go to this party. I'll try to make it out to your party. Then you text at 1139 and be like, hey, is it still going on?

He responds at 1211. You respond at 1. Shit, I totally forgot. Let me make it up to you. I got to take you out to dinner this week. Yeah, but like I got to take you out to dinner this week. This is the cool kid at the party. I don't like you.

Hey, who is this? No, don't worry about it, dude. Me, you, and a fucking lasagna for three. You were not supposed to be invited to my party, by the way. Was I not? Shit me. All right. Should we take a break?

Yeah. Let's take a break, and we'll be back with more questions after these. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes.

So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive

that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held.

They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And Visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct.

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not available everywhere including new york and ontario void were prohibited one per new customer non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Welcome back. Minneapolis, Chicago, and Detroit.

We should get that out of the way right quick. We're going to these fine cities in October. That's correct. We purchased our plane tickets. So we're definitely, at the very least, attending those dates. Is this our first ever Midwest podcast run? I want to say yes. It is. We haven't gone there since we did CH Live with Streeter.

Yeah, back with Streeter. We should find a way to get Streeter to come to these cities. I would fucking love to. He has a job and a son, so it's tough. I know, but if we get rid of one of those two things, even for the week. Even, God, I feel like even lumping in his son to something we could get rid of is... No, no, I'm just, yeah, I'm thinking out loud. Don't.

Not like, obviously nothing permanent, but like a quick four-day... Oh, if you just babysat his kid, then me and Streeter could do it. Well that's That's actually awesome. Let me text him. Yeah he's down. How did you text that fast? You're babysitting.

You have to babysit little Streeter now. Oh what if it's me, you and Streeter babysitting the baby three men and a baby on the road. Now that's a fucking pitch. So Streeter's wearing a baby on the road that's now that's a fucking pitch so streeter is in a steering wearing a baby bjorn on stage that actually is a pretty fun comedy show cable pitch okay so we're rebooting maybe digital three men and a baby but they're traveling comedians okay so it's not a gritty reboot it's just a re it's a silly reboot it's a silly reboot

of three men and a baby where we're comedians slash podcasters on the road. So it's me, you, Streeter. And one of us has a kid, and we're all taking care of the little kid. Right, baby Streeter. We can't change the diaper for the life of us. Tickets are on sale. Tickets are on sale at fireyoushow.com.

Let's just choose one at random and say it's almost sold out. Chicago is almost sold out. Yeah, so move fast. So get them while you can. Those are going to be fun shows. We don't have any more questions, but if we know anybody who can search through our email...

Oh! It is me. I am the Game Boy. I have come to play my game. Oh my gosh. Game Boy. So what do you do, Game Boy? I choose a word at random.

You search for the word and we read the question. Oh! Game Boy always sounds like he's about to nut game boy always is nutting he's on oh game boy edges himself uh all right do you have a word to start us off oh i didn't think that far ahead you've stumped the game boy how did i say that's the only thing you're good for it's like telling a blender all right start he's like whoa you've stumped the game boy that's the only thing you're good for it's like telling a blender alright start he's like whoa

you've stumped me cashew like the nut that's pretty good actually oh I got a good one it's called should I ask out my chiropractor which would have been a nice word to search as well

great guy's name John Gabrus Should I ask out my chiropractor? Which would have been a nice word to search as well. Great. Guy's name? John Gabrus. John Gabrus of the High and Mighty podcast. I wanted to shout out, Gabrus recently did an episode where he talked about General Tso's chicken for an hour. You haven't quite listened to a High and Mighty until you heard Gabrus and another foodie, Zach Brooks, who actually has another podcast on our network, talk about General Tso's chicken for close to an hour straight. And they both love it. They love it, and then they hated certain things about it, and then they talked about the history of it and what they like about it and what it should taste like and what color it should be and stuff like that.

Wow. Very minute, very podcasty. Listen to that episode. That's my recommendation. John, John, John Gabrus writes, a few weeks ago, my girlfriend and I broke up after a year and a half. We were running on fumes for the last few months and I had seen it coming for a little while. It was tough to have actually have it actually end.

But deep down, I knew it was for the best. To add injury to insult, that same day I threw out my back. I done it before, and I knew a chiropractor could fix it. I found one in my office, and I made an appointment right away, and my physical pain would soon be gone, and things were looking up. Things started looking sky-frickin' high when I arrived and saw my chiropractor was both cute and around my age. I'm 24. A pleasant surprise for sure. You know what's even more pleasant? Her. We hit it off immediately. She is sharp, funny, my favorite kind of lady. She's easy to talk to. We have similar tastes in movies and similar interests in playing sports and hiking. We've bonded over past Halloween costumes. I was Quail Man and as a redhead, she was a Jinja Ninja.

How long was this session? I feel it's a genuine connection, and I would ask her out in any other circumstance. And because I won't be her patient anymore, I don't think there's any ethical dilemma by simply asking. However, I'm hesitant because I'm stumbling into what appears to be a ridiculously perfect setup right after I got out of a relationship. I can't help but thinking the other shoe is about to drop, or am I reading too much into this as I try to move on? What do you think? Should I ask out my chiropractor? I'm a timid mouse myself

and I can't think of two better guys to help me out. I'd say three, but you know what, Kobe? You can't stay on the court. You won't make a peep on the podcast. It's time to start earning your keep. You're embarrassing yourself. Sorry, Kobe. He didn't mean that, man. Doof, doof, doof.

Thanks for the assist, guys. Oh, it says, best of luck on your pilot. This was written before. Thanks, man. We'll let you know. So that was written in June of 2015. Oh, dear. I hope you already asked her out because obviously.

Respond and say say did you ever ask your car nice follow-up pup uh so what do you think would you ask out some would you be too afraid to get into something great right after your relationship no well he's he's he's overthinking it he's thinking that like this is so good it's going to be a new relationship but like that's not where your head should be at your head head should be at, I'm single. I like this person. Let's ask her out. Let's see how it goes. You're not gonna, like,

I think maybe when you're in a bad relationship for a long time and somebody seems cool, you like invent in your head that it's going to be perfect because it's not your last relationship. Right. But the truth is like,

all relationships have their flaws and you're not necessarily gonna just jump right into this dream girl because she had a silly halloween costume and likes hiking you know there's other there's other things to consider it seems like a win-win because the two options are you go after it and she is your dream girl and this is perfect you're not going to regret that and two you go after her she's not your dream girl, but now you're single again, which is what you wanted in the first place.

Yeah. So if she's a dream girl, that's great. If she's not a dream girl, that's fine. She has no leverage. You'll be happy either way. Yeah. I think the takeaway for me is you're single, be single. You ask people out. The end. That's how it goes. Man, a hot chiropractor. That sounds great. Totally. You could throw your back out as much as you want. How does chiro... Is chiropractor...

Like, how do you become that? Is it like a non-medical med school? Like a one-year thing? Yeah, I think you have to like take courses, but I don't think you have to go... You don't have to be a doctor. Right. And is it like... How medical does it get?

Or is it just like, let me stretch you out or do this? It feels kind of like it could get as medical as it can get. Or, you know, it could just be a hack that didn't feel like taking a real estate exam. It's like, oh, I'll just do chiropractor. Right. Crack, crack, crack. There's definitely quack cracks out there. Nice. Thanks, dude. But crack there's definitely quack cracks out there nice thanks

dude but then there's also like real back what's it called when you're a real back doctor if you're performing like spinal surgery um is that still a chiropractor no i don't if you're performing surgery you're a surgeon so you're not there's no chiropractors that are also doctors? Maybe there are. But I don't think... We both don't know. I mean, there... Oh, chiropractic is alternative medicine. So maybe that's the big difference there. Alternative medicine versus real medicine. What else is an alternative medicine?

Now I'm just doing that different podcast, which is the rabbit hole. Did we ever do the rabbit hole no we should do that we should we got to get mike to uh this would be a perfect start of it chiropractor and then alternative medicine and then there's all this stuff remember i did does the phrase ayurvedic medicine mean anything to you of course not this is what you would learn. Osteopathy? I mean, it's all good because it's all new and you're all high and you're all learning. It should not be hard to convince Mike

to get stoned and host this show. Congrats to Mike on getting engaged, though. Yeah, big ups. Big ups to Mama Bear. And Sarah, who now becomes Papa Bear. I think that's how it works. Let me search something. The Game Boy. Yeah. All right, let me search something. The Game Boy.

As I too can play the game. When you said cashew, I wanted to say milk. That's probably a lot of milk. What about helium? Very nice. Thank you. Actually, thank you very much. Thank you.

Actually, thank you very, very much. I do appreciate that. Coming from the Game Boy, that means a lot. Thanks, man. That's actually enough of saying. Like, wow. I take back the compliment. Let me take you out to lunch or something.

I was looking at my email, and I don't even remember what I said. Oh. So what did I do? You said, good work. Oh, yeah good work oh yeah no i didn't mean that i'm sorry go ahead i want to take you to lunch though just give me the cash for it awesome so i can still tell people all right uh guy's name my mother what's that my mother all right oh this is a girl anyway. Laura Hurwitz. Perfect. The easy chair. Check it out. Jake's mom reading her stories, short stories. Sometimes I'm on it.

Laura Hurwitz writes, First of all, I went into a gypsy-themed store and asked the guy working there, jokingly, of course, if he was a gypsy. He said no, and I quickly responded in the same deadpan voice. So no crystal ball or nothing? He said no again, and I finished the joke with, well, geez, that's the only reason I came in. It was funny to me, but I think my tone of voice may have seemed a little too unbelievable to him, because he was legit sad after that. After that, I went outside, and I'm at a festival,

so there's loads of helium balloons tied to posts all over the place. I thought it'd be fun to suck the helium out. I know I'm a college kid, but I ain't no grown-up. Well, some lady noticed one of the balloons all deflated and got upset at me. I guess I didn't register in my mind that random decorations at a festival might actually belong to somebody. I said I'm sorry, but in a high-pitched helium voice, so it just made the situation funnier to me, which made the lady more upset. It's not like I went out and punched someone or purposefully stole something. I shamed some guy for not being a gypsy and ruined some lady's balloon. What is that? Uh, I mean, who does that? Who does that? Well, I don't know. I'm still having trouble feeling

totally sorry because it's still a pretty funny thing in my mind, so I need your points of view. Am I being a total kick in the dick for acting this way? I'm not one to be mean or cause trouble, but I will do things for the sake of humor. Usually it's harmless, but is this too far? Make fun of me all you want, because you guys are hysterical. Thank you, guys, or men, or mateys, or whatever. Love,

Laura Horwitz. That's pretty funny. I think that's all in funny i think that like you probably should have stopped with the gypsy joke because i guess that's a little racist oh right because gypsies are like technically um transient peoples from romania i think another Another thing for the rabbit hole podcast. Yeah, what's a gypsy?

Secondly, the helium pitch. Have you ever done the helium thing, balloon thing? Yeah, yeah. You have? For some reason, I never did that. I don't know. It kind of scares me. We're having a party today.

You want to give it a shot? I just feel like I could get stuck that way. Oh, yeah. I have a cousin who still talks like that. He huffed one balloon and he never looked back. He had a super high-pitched voice before. So is there a chance you're thinking of a five-year-old female cousin? Very good chance.

Yeah. My little cousin, Sophia. I'm having trouble feeling totally sorry. I think you're fine. I think this is a fine situation. It sounds a little bit of a dickling. Yeah. Back to back is tough.

Like, if it was one instance, then I'd be like, oh, whatever. Yeah. But it's funny that she offended a shopkeeper and then went out and offended a, I guess, someone who owned a balloon. Yeah, this is like the beginning of a Curb episode. Like, he's sort of walking around being himself, annoying people. But it didn't really escalate to a hilarious point. So, we don't have to keep on going with this one. Don't beat yourself up over it.

Yeah. It doesn't sound like you are anyway. I guess, pay attention to how other people are reacting to your jokes. Because you don't want to go too far down the hole of just making yourself laugh. Yeah, but I've done that before. I've tried to dig myself out of a joke by

doubling down and tripling down and then quadrupling down and it just gets worse and worse and worse. You walk away. Totally. It's a bad situation to be in. Yeah. We have time for one more question? Yes, let's do it.

All right. We need a word. The Game Boy. Oh, you're searching your own name? Yeah. You're searching the Game Boy. Oh, you're searching your own name? Yeah. You're searching The Game Boy. The Game Boy chooses the word rhinoceros. That's pretty good.

Thank you. Two questions, and one we've already answered. The Game Boy's won again. Rhinoceros is a guy, a mailman. We'll call him Jake Hurwitz. Thank you. Right. I'm a single guy in Toronto, and I've had a couple of questions that I think you can help me out with.

But first, let me give you some context. I've been out of a relationship for almost a year now, and I finally met a girl that I've been getting along with. She's funny and quirky, and we have a lot of the same interests. But here's the problem. She drinks a lot of the same interests. But here's the problem. She drinks a lot. Pretty much every time she's in a situation where it's appropriate to have a drink, she decides to have four to five and tells me that she's drunk almost every other day. She was 20 years old student. I think it makes sense, but we're 26 and she's taking shots and getting hammered at home with her brother at

11 a.m. on a Sunday. I'm not a reserved person either. I love getting hammered with my friends who doesn't, but I'm noticing she drinks very often. Do you think this girl has a legitimate drinking problem? Or am I just being a rude, prude dude? Have you ever dated someone or hung out with a girl that you think slash know had a drinking or drug problem? Should I lose the boozer? Or am I being a loser?

I'm seeing her again in a few days. And I think everything else about her is awesome. And I like her a lot. But I can't get it out of my head that she's nearing alcoholism. Thanks in advance for helping me out of this pinch. P.S. Can't wait to see you guys come to Toronto. Where was Rhinoceros?

Can't wait to see you guys come to Toronto. Then he said, Game Boy phrases, boner, chief, floral, rhinoceros. Wow. So, he cheated, but not that much. It's almost more impressive yeah i'll take it he guessed a word in a dictionary that you did too uh dealing with someone that drinks too much yeah i've been there i've been that person as well yeah we should ask the people you've dated

careful because that actually might hurt my feelings when you laughed it just reeked of whiskey yeah yeah yeah it's it's 109 i love whiskey yeah i love the way it tastes and i love the way it makes me feel uh okay so what would you do about this lady oh uh fucking party with her it's funny because like half the half the half of me is like listen you don't have to be with someone who's like this and then half of me is like well if you really like this person why don't you help her get out of this situation well i mean every i mean at what point do you say this person's not for me and at what point do you say let me try to help and it seems like it's also on the cusp like i don't think it's actually alcoholism i think she just likes to i mean a lot of people like to drink that much.

Yeah, but 11 a.m. on a Sunday, that's, he said, taking shots and getting hammered at home with her brother at 11 a.m. on a Sunday. You know, 26? I'd done that show when I was 26. Oh, really? I'm not an alcoholic. I just, I guess maybe. No, I'm not an alcoholic. I guess maybe.

No, I'm not an alcoholic. I don't think that's alcoholism. Yeah. I mean, there's like probably like, it's a gray area, right? Like some people drink all the time. Some people say they drink all the time and it's actually four times a week. Some people drink alone. Some people drink during the day.

There's like different signs and there's no like, yes, it is or no, it isn't. Right. I think it's up to, I guess I have no idea. I know, I don't know enough about alcoholism to say who is and who isn't. It's all relative. Like, if she drinks too much for you, even if she's not technically an alcoholic, it might be too much. Then I don't want to say that. And it's like, relax, it's not that big of a deal.

And what if she is actually an alcoholic? It's a very dangerous question uh what we should do is say look up what it means to be an actual alcoholic see if she displays a lot of the symptoms and then adjust accordingly uh if you want to help her out of this situation go for it if you want to just cut and run and say listen listen, we've only been going out for so long. This is a bad situation, but technically not my problem. You can do that too. Yeah, I think you got to hang out with her more to really see how much she drinks and how big of a problem it is.

To me, it sounds more like she drinks too much for you, but not necessarily that she drinks so much that she needs to have an intervention. Right. And here's a bit of bad advice. Try to match her shot for shot. Suddenly, you're getting blasted, obliterated, and then she has to take care of you. She can't be that drunk. She's got to be the sober one in the relationship. And then if you fucking drown yourself even more, she'll start to feel bad,'d be like maybe this guy's an alcoholic oh my god am i an alcoholic intervention

yeah maybe we can go to we can get better and healthier together uh we'll do it at the same time suddenly she feels like she's motivating herself and you at the same time everything seems to be trending up and then hopefully you don't develop an actual addiction to the poison that you're drowning your body in so remember that bad advice yeah so don't do that don't develop an actual addiction to the poison that you're drowning your body in. So, remember that bad advice. Yeah, so don't do that. Don't do that. Okay.

Don't do that. Cool. All right. That's it. That's it. We're out of time. Thanks so much for listening to this episode, everybody. We got through six questions.

I think that might be a record. Wow, good for us. We're going to be in Toronto at the end of September. Tickets are at fireyoushow.com, as well as Minnesota, Chicago, Minneapolis. The opening theme song was written by, gosh, do you remember his name? Toby something? I remember his... Toby Bishop. And his Twitter name was Y Sam.

Toby Y Sam? Toby Y Sam. Yeah, nice. Thanks. Good work. And this closing one was written by Paul Balzer. If you have your own theme songs. Paul Balzer is a great name. Do you want me to say anything about it?

Let me look. After 300 episodes, you're like, wait a minute. Paul Balzer. We got to really talk about this guy. I love Paul Balzer. Yeah, my girlfriend is a photographer, so maybe give her a shout out. Her name is Colleen Kubiak and her website is ColleenKubiak.com. I want to see your photos.

Oh my God. Maybe there's some photos of Paul Balzer. Yeah, I mean, I guess there could be photos. Colleen Kubiak, who's that K-U-B-I-A-K. Colleen, like you'd expect, and Kubiak, K-U-B-I-A-K, that's right. Oh, these are nice photos, actually. Very, very handsome family, friends. Just a real snapshot of small town life in Americana. And she's got a blog and a a portfolio let's give it up for Paul Balzer for nice job Paul Balzer oh I just loaded ColleenKubiak.com it is scat porn okay so you were

saying this is good you love it I didn't I honestly couldn't like to me it all looks like there might be a little wedding is that a wedding oh my goodness uh so thanks to Paul and thanks to Toby and thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back. Yeah. Brandon and Rebecca. Monday. Sammy. This is so nice. Fourth of July.

Still looking at photos of Kali and Kubiak. I will. She's great. We should have her photograph us. We have to. We have to leave. Okay. Ciao.

Yo, yo, yo. DJ Shmoomoo on the house. In the line. Turn it up. How's that, my friend? It's getting laced with real advice On how to seize the fucking cheese, ya bish To seize it twice So if you do not know what to do Straight up, shut up, listen up, that's what's up Cause this is Shmuel And Jake too