Segments - 232: Bad Kiss (w/Arielle Vandenberg!)

Episode Date: September 5, 2016

Friend and Comedian Arielle Vandenberg joins us to discuss sexting, cheating, and her new podcast (hopefully.) This episode is brought to you by MeUndies, BlueApron, and Harry's! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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If only I were you come on Jazzy as shit, dude. We are riding top down up the PCH, not a care in the world. Arielle, what'd you think? That was the cutest theme song I've ever heard in my life. That was written by somebody named

Amir, but he spells it differently. He spells it A-M-E-R. What a dick. Which is what most people think I spell my name as. But I'm honored to be named as a fellow Amir with such a talented guy who makes me feel like I'm a little bit a musician, too. Because if one Amir did it. Because of that? Yeah, because of that.

Introduce our guest. We have a guest on the show. You spent the first... Do you think I'm a good musician? You just launched into how you're a musician. I think I am. No one even knows who Arielle is right now. Yeah, I could be anyone for all they know.

Well, if you don't know... Now you know. Hell yeah. They still don't. Oh, they still don't. They still don't, yeah. They still don't. Introduce me.

Comedian? Was that a good all-encompassing term? Comedian? I guess. Would you say writer? Would you say actor? Would you say... I'm a human being.

That's beautiful. I'm a multi-hyphenate. Yeah, I'm a multi-hyphenate human being. Human hyphen. Being. It's hyphen. Comedy being. No, I like comedy, but I'm an actress and I will do other things besides comedy.

That's true. But I mostly... You're a performer. I'm a performer. Yeah. We met just last week or perhaps a week ago, two weeks ago when we were on your Snapchat. Yeah. Your snap hang.

Snapchat hangs and Jake and Amir were my favorite guests. Yes. Amazing. She said it. And not just because she's on our show. Well. Well what? Let's peek behind that door.

Your snap hang was so popular. We have like thousands of more people following us on snapchat now that's so exciting you're an influencer you influence people i am an influence amir do you does it feel that way do you feel powerful sometimes when you snapchat something does it feel like two rose bowls filled with humans are watching it i never thought of it like that. That's really amazing. What a nice visual. I'm like Snapchat's Beyonce. Oh, shit. That is your Instagram bio, which has 14 followers. So very much not a Beyonce in that regard.

Damn it, shut up. Does Beyonce have Snapchat? She doesn't have Snapchat, but I just went to her Instagram for the first time. She has 83 million followers. Dear God. That's actually not bad. How many Rose Bowls is that? Did you say not bad It's actually not bad. How many Rose Bowls is that? Did you say not bad? That's not bad.

That's 830 Rose Bowls. How many do I have? Less than half of one Rose Bowl. Less than half of one Rose Bowl? No, no, no, no. You have less than 1%. I haven't looked at my followers. You have roughly one half of

1% of Beyonce's followers. I haven't checked in on my followers. I have. I've seen it. Wait, how many does the Rose Bowl hold? I would say roughly 100,000. Really? Yeah.

That's pretty good. Yeah. I just saw Coldplay at the Rose Bowl. How was that? So good. Ariella, we should say it's our music reviewer. So, concert? Two-word review.

Yeah. It's always so good or so bad can you does it feel like a concert when you're there with a hundred thousand other people or the people are so small like are you listening it does it is it music or is it a concert what does it feel like exactly what a concert is a concert but you're so far away what if you're at the rose bowl have you ever been to a concert no not a concert specifically but i've done a live podcast oh it's different does it but does it feel less intimate or does it feel like you're at the Rose Bowl, you could be... Have you ever been to a concert? No, not a concert specifically, but I've done a live podcast. Oh, it's different. But does it feel less intimate or does it feel like you're there with just a thousand people? You've never been to a concert?

Shut up. Not of that great magnitude. Are you lying? No. You've never been to like the Hollywood Bowl? The Hollywood Bowl is one thing. The Rose Bowl is a hundred times the Hollywood Bowl. Oh, for real?

I don't... Oh. So maybe it does feel like not a hundred thousand people. Hollywood Bowl is more... You think Hollywood Bowl is only a thousand people? How So maybe it does feel like not 100,000 people. Hollywood Bowl's more, you think Hollywood Bowl's only 1,000 people? How much is it? It's like 30,000 people. Yeah, it feels like it's way more than that.

Yeah, I think it's like 30,000. 30,000 people? You have a computer on your lap. Yeah. Oh, this is a dummy computer. I'm gonna guess, too, Hollywood Bowl, 16,000. Ooh, so right in between the two. Oh.

That's a very, That's an estimated guess. Yeah. 17,500. You win. And Rose Bowl? Let's go 88,000. Whoa. I'm going 150,000.

This is a really fun podcast game show. Especially because my computer's off. I'm just guessing. Capacity for the Rose Bowl, 106,000. Hot damn. Yeah. I feel like we could sell it out. If you just heard that, I just slapped you in the face. You just slapped the microphone.

It was not a high five. It was a no five. So beyond just guessing stadium capacities, this is an advice podcast, Ariel. You see Jake and I get emails from all around the world for people who are seeking our guidance, our wisdom. We do our best to dispense it. Sometimes it's just us two. Sometimes we have a new friend in the house. And today –

He called me a friend. We have – oh, sorry. I was talking to Jake, a friend. Yeah. And today we have a coworker. No, we have Ariel. Vandenberg? Ariel V have Ariel. Vandenberg? Ariel Vandenberg.

Vandenberg. That's a very official regal name. A.V. A.V.'s great initials. I'm like a straight up princess. Nice. Royalty up in here. You should call Queen Day.

You want to know my middle name? Oh. It's Saint Seer. That's not true, is it? Ariel Saint Seer Vandenberg. Ariel Saint. Oh, you know what? According to Wikipedia, that's correct. Yeah. Ariel Saint Sear. That's not true, is it? Ariel St. Sear Vandenberg. Ariel St. Oh, you know what? According to Wikipedia, that's correct. Yeah. Ariel St. Sear.

How do you spell Sear? S-E-A-R? It's S-T period C-Y-R. What is that? Is that your mom's maiden name? It's my grandma's maiden name. My great grandma's maiden name. Ariel St. Sear Vandenberg. You sound like a duchess or something. I'm crushing it in the castles.

Oh, really? Yeah. That's awesome. I've heard that. I too am crushing it in castles. I just have no way to back that up. So, do you think you can help us out? I'll read some questions. We'll talk wise. We'll crack wise. We'll discuss

answers. I'm literally dying to do this right now. Really? All I want to do is answer questions. Okay. So this is perfect. Let's fucking get started, baby. Yes. Baby.

These are real emails from real people. We do want to give them fake names just to preserve their anonymity. So if you can give us a fake female name that I can call this person. Pat. Jessic. Pat Pat Jessick. Pat Jessick. Yeah. What does Pat Jessick want to know? I'll tell you what she wants to know. Pat Jessick. Patricia? Or is

it short for Pat? It's Pat. Enough questions. It's Pat. Let's hear it. My problem is this. My roommate and good friend cheated on her boyfriend but refuses to tell him. I am having a really hard time with this because it has happened to me on the receiving end. And it's also the reason my parents split up. This shit goes deep.

I've known this girl for almost 10 years. And I think she's otherwise a pretty decent human. I really don't know how to be friends with her while fundamentally disagreeing with her morals. What should I do? Do I continue being her lifelong pal and just shove this seething anger I have at her down? Or do I end this friendship on the same basis I would end a relationship? Todah and shalom. Love, Pat Jessick.

This is how nice this lady is. She hasn't, she's not even talking about someone who cheated on her. She's talking about a friend of hers that cheated on somebody else. And she feels so morally torn that she can perhaps not even be friends with her friend anymore. Well, I wish, to be honest, I wish I knew the other side of it like the guy's side no the friend's side the friend's side meaning because is it like an illicit affair or is it a drunken hookup yeah like hey this only happened one time and it's never gonna happen again and you know me i'm not gonna i'm not a cheater but it seems like a one-time thing a friend cheated on her boyfriend

and refuses to tell him. What do you think? Well, if that's the case... Let's call it a one-time thing. Have you ever been so broken up about a cheating that you were ready to get rid of a friend over it? Has that ever happened? No. What? No. Has that ever happened to anybody you know about? Like, oh, my friend won't hang out with me because I cheated on somebody else?

Well, I don't, it's not like I go around wanting, like, seeking cheaters as friends. But, like, if a friend cheated, I wouldn't be like, you're not my friend anymore. I would just be like, dude, that sucks. Like, don't do that. Right. Yeah. How bad would something happen, would I have to do something for you to not be friends with me anymore? Yeah, if you had a girlfriend. I'm asking you. Okay. Yeah. How bad would something happen? Would I have to do something for you to not be friends with me anymore? Yeah.

If you had a girlfriend. I'm asking you. Okay. Yeah. Physically abusing a child. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shaking a baby out of anger or rage, not necessarily on purpose.

I would say any, yeah, any child abuse, of course. A kid on the playground. Any child abuse, of course. A kid on the playground shook you recently? A baby shook you as vindication for what adults have been doing? A baby shook me. And a nanny told on you. You started shaking the baby.

The police called me like, he started it! He fucking shook me. This is so stupid. This baby should be under arrest. It's the dancing baby from Ally McBeal. Remember him? You don't want to hear my side, huh? His body was weird.

You want to feel old? That baby is 17. Ooga Chaka. Ooga Chaka. Ooga. Ooga. Ooga Chaka. What was the dance move? And was it from that show or was that like a meme that existed? No, it was from that show. The CGI was so bad. The CGI was awful.

I feel like it was pretty advanced. That baby was real. For the time. For like 1996. For the time, it looked, that baby was like legit. It looked like a computer background. So Ally McNeil started that? I think it was. I think, because wasn't it about like her, she didn't know if, that was like her, what is it?

Fertility teasing her. Oh, is that what it was? I mean, I was like 13 when that show was on. It was like haunting her. That's what I think. That's what I think, I was like 13 when that show was on. Haunting her. That's what I think. That's what I think as a 31-year-old now looking back. Yeah.

I don't know if the writers did that. I think Ally McBeal started off as a show that she would see her visions, but that they sort of abandoned that conceit after season one. This is also an Ally McBeal podcast, so feel free to wax about the... We should really watch Ally McBeal if we're going to have the Ally McBeal podcast. Yes. An Ally McMeal. So we'll eat food and watch Ally McBeal and then the going to have the Ally McBeal podcast. Yes. An Ally McMeal. So we'll eat food and watch Ally McBeal

and then the podcast is... Oh my God. This is a great idea. We get McMeals. That's good, yeah. A fish fillet. A McPick 2. Ally McMeals.

Do you like fish fillets? Ew. Yeah, right? Never. It's totally bipolar. People are like, I can't possibly ever eat one or I grew up on that shit.

Well, I had them when I was little but oh you didn't never have it as an adult interesting we had one recently on the podcast or not right after the podcast we went and got uh fish fillets and then did you die uh yeah we're both dead i don't think the girl the girl who emailed this question is just sitting like listening to this podcast you She's like, what do I fucking do? Get me out. I'm going to McDonald's now, but that's some sort of subliminal advertising that I hope you guys are getting paid for. I don't think you can cut off friends that have ever cheated on anybody. That would eliminate a lot of people.

I would lose a lot of friends that way. Me included. For example. But then again, it's like this thing that she's like, I don't know, maybe she is being a little too overdramatic about it. Well, I think as a girl. No, Jake, what do you think? All right, cool. Oh, my God.

I think she's being a bitch. Wow. Wow. Let me mansplain something. All right. Ding the gong. This is the show you're on now. This is the man show. The bitch gong. Toilet flush. First of all, bitch gong this is the show you're on now this is the man show the bitch dong toilet flush

first of all bitch dog thank you she needs to cook me a sandwich she needs to cut it cook your own damn sandwich lock the door i cook my sandwich i don't understand how sandwiches are made a sandwich coming out of the oven it's better be a panini such a man cook my sandwiches woman come on cook them all right for real okay but for real as a woman do you guys have any sandwiches thank you um um as a woman as being a girl yeah and knowing of like having a i've been friends with someone who's cheated on someone before. Sure. And we talked about it. And I was actually, I mean, probably one of the only people she ever told.

No, I'm telling everyone. You can name names, by the way. Oh, yeah. Yeah, just. Her name's Pat. Beep, beep. No, so it wasn't like, she was just like, this, and I feel really bad about it, and it will never happen again, and blah, blah, blah. And she's still with her boyfriend.

And he doesn't know? Actually, he might know. He knows. Because he knows. He knows. It's totally fine. And they're like the best freaking couple on earth. Oh, they're over it.

Oh, they're so over it. I think you just, I don't know. I like that advice because it's one thing if this girl is like, I think you did. It's like it's a case by case basis and like your friend comes first, right? So if your friend cheats on somebody, the thing to do is talk to her and get at the root of like why it happened. It's like, are you happy in your relationship? Or was that a mistake? What's the best for your friend?

If she's hooking up with a bunch of random dudes, then that's obviously just like, why are you friends with a person that can be that messed up? Right, then it sort of grounds for not being friends with somebody because she has very destructive behavior. Yeah, and she might cheat on you as a friend.

Is that possible? Like she'll go to dinner with somebody else? You wouldn't do that to me, would you? Never. But you hooked up with somebody last week. That's fine, though. That was cheating on me because you had brunch in the morning. Brunch is something we do. We had an acai bowl. Poor.

Poor. Poor. I feel like we're not helping Pat. Well, I think you've got to talk to your friend. I feel like these past cheatings, like, you know, your parents splitting up and somebody cheating on you is coloring this experience totally. But it's also case to case. Yes. It's very case to case. Because if it's a good person and she just messed up

you leave her alone that's why they call me gray area Hurwitz yeah because there's always a gray area a gray area is that your mom's

maiden name they call me middle ground Hurwitz yeah yeah Jake St. Cyr Grayria Hurwitz Penn Cooper

Grayria your middle name's Grayria yeah oh Grayria now you can understand why my mom was so eager to marry out of that name. She was even down

to take a guy named Hurwitz. Yeah, which we all know is the worst last name. Aw. Easy does it. I'm choking.

Yeah. It got really quiet. Just settled down. I'm totally settled. I was just doing a bit. We'll try to settle a little further. I'm pretty settled.

I don't know. What? Your middle name's fucking Sh little further. I'm pretty settled. I don't know. What? Your middle name's fucking Shmuel. That's quite enough. Little asshole. Shmuel? Shmuel, yeah. Shmuel.

That's right. Shmuel. Mm-hmm. Shmuel Graria. Oh, my God. What a name. That's true. I think we answered that question.

Talk to your friends. It's not necessarily... Be there for your friend. Maybe she needs help. That's fucking right. What happened is a bad thing that happened to your friends. It's not necessarily... Be there for your friend. Maybe she needs help. That's fucking right. What happened is a bad thing that happened to your friend as well. Not just you. Yeah, maybe she doesn't know what to do right now.

Just work it out. Talk. Yeah, straight up just talk to her. You know what Drake says? Strength and guidance. All that I need or all that I'm wishing for my friends. Yeah. Strength and guidance.

All that I'm wishing for my friends. Yeah. Strength and guidance. All that I'm wishing for my friends. I used to bust out the silence. I used to... You said it, Jaime. I know. As soon as you see my text, reply me. That's a little demanding. I know.

Also, that song, Fuck for Free. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's fucking dope. I'm so good. I guess so, yeah. That shit's so good that I shouldn't have to so, yeah. That makes me want to fuck Drake. I heard Drake makes all of his ladies side pieces put read receipts on

their iPhones so that he knows when they're checking it. That does sound like something Drake would do. Yeah, that way you have to read the reply as soon as you read the text. Do you have read receipts on? No. Oh, Jesus Christ. But do you ask people to turn theirs on? Hell yeah. If you want to be my lover. You better turn your own receipts.

I can't. I can't. I want a red. I want a red. I want a. That's nice. I want a receipt. I want a receipt.

It's not working out. Ready, red, ah. Ready, red, ah. You should have it. You should call it joining the AV club. Anybody who's your friend. That's smart. Yeah. I'm so down. I'm so down.

I'm so down. I want to reposition myself. I'm sweating. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I get that in here. A little hot. These questions are not for the cool-minded, I'll tell you that much. But let's get to one more.

Do you have another female name? Of course I do. It's that easy. Yeah, it's Sean Lemons. another female's female name. Of course I do. It's that easy. Yeah. Sean Lemons. All of your female names could be like. Are practically guy names. And then also the name of a fruit. They come up next.

Sean Lemons. John Lennon's brother. Sean Lemons. John Lennon's dumb brother. You can't even pronounce his own name. You know, my brother. You can't even pronounce his own name. He's on Lemons.

You're like, what? Lennon? Lennon? Yeah, Lemons. That's what I said. He calls himself Lemons Man. What? That's so weird.

Sean Lemons. He always has three lemons in his cargo pants sean lemons writes she's a female named sean lemons i shouldn't have said brother last month my boyfriend of a year and a half moved to michigan for med school related reasons now here i am stuck in california missing him every day a couple days ago i told him that i had gotten a brazil Brazilian wax and he asked me to send him a sexy picture of myself showing off the wax. And so I did. Then the conversation became extremely steamy and he started describing what he would do to me if he was there. Because he and I were always together. We had sex often and never sexted. So to my surprise, his messages were

amazing. I never knew how talented he was in the sexting field and it turned me on like crazy. Screenshot us! I need to know what's great sexting! Unfortunately for me, I had nothing else to follow up with. All I could say was, oh baby, that would feel good and I wish I could fuck you right now. Nice. Things like that. The best I could do was send him some

extremely erotic snap videos of myself. I mean, it worked out in the end because he did come after all. So, because I won't be seeing him

for another couple of months, I'm sure the situation will come up again but my question is, how do I become a better sexter? What do guys like to hear and read when they sexed a girl?

I don't know if this makes any difference, but he's 31. So how would you do like a girl to sexed you? Or am I better off just sticking to sexy videos and pics? Thanks in advance for any help you can offer. Sincerely, Sean Lemons. That's an easy one. That's a question for you. He's like, videos.

Yeah. Does she need to write anything? Or do you think a picture is worth a thousand words? She did all the heavy lifting by sending a lot of videos of herself. Like, that's... Like, dudes can't do that. Yeah. What's an erotic photo?

Is it like, dick pic is not that erotic, right? No. Even if the guy is hot, is a dick pic hot not that erotic right no even if the guy is hot is a dick pic hot nope literally nope no dick no dp no dp in this dm i've read that out yeah sliding out of my dms immediately i would like to see all right so smooth gity, giggity. I love it. I'm bugging out of here, my man.

Peace out. Ignore me. As soon as you see a text, don't reply. Yeah, it seems like his job is to write so well that it turns her on. Yeah. By the way, I want to know what he said because I feel like this girl in any sexting situation I've ever been in it's just me saying like oh yeah yeah you're saying I feel like you guys are doing very well on both

ends oh you think so she's doing her job he's doing his it worked out really well yeah this is this is a pretty good problem to have and the fact that they're in a relationship doing all this sexy stuff this isn't a problem this is just like a shining example this is just her bragging yeah she just was like yo I have lots of sex with my boyfriend when he's in town and when he's not sexy stuff. This isn't a problem. This is just like a shining example. This is just her bragging. Yeah. She just was like, yo, I have lots of sex with my boyfriend when he's in town

and when he's not in town we still have sex over the phone. Yeah, and by the way, he's in med school so he's gonna be a doctor. He's gonna save my life someday.

Oh, great. And I sent him some erotic snap videos and it got me off. Who is this sexy like writer dude that's also learning how to be a

doctor he's a fucking poet jesus christ a fingersmith you know we can do is try to advise her in a bad way break them up and then oh my god ariel can find the dude one of us can find the babe and then we'll go off from there that way it's turning one relationship so ariel finds a dude one of us finds the bit. One of us is just... It would be me, ideally. Because I came up with the idea. So it sounds like I don't know why I would participate in this game. Well, then at least you have the podcast.

I would have a podcast. You would take over the podcast and Jake and Amir... I mean, Jake and Amir. I'm one of those guys. No, no, no. The girl's name is Jake. Yeah, sorry. Was that not clear?

Now he runs off with the other jake yeah so it'd be jake and jake yeah me and the doctor what's the podcast called and there we go and then i just go get a brazilian that's right hi i'd like a brazilian uh so if you can email us um really it doesn't have to be specifics but ideally the entire conversation just so there's no reason for this guy to hoard up his magical sexting abilities and not help anybody else if there could be a guide or something

I'm sure we'd link to it and then his words can help out thousands of people you could probably write an erotic novel huge bug bug's dead out there. Um, all right. Yeah. This was, um, this was an easy one, I guess.

Because you guys are doing great. Congrats. Yeah. Keep it up. Thanks. Thanks, man. Congrats on med school. Let's, uh.

Yeah, man. What a fucking. What a legend. Go get them, dude. Let's take a break. Absolutely epic, mate. Well, uh, Jake and I will thank a few sponsors, and we'll be right back with more REL after this. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do and we're back ariel what are you busy with nowadays what takes up the most time make a pie chart of your life what's the biggest slice dance making pie charts i guess i don't really know where to start um wait is that a serious question yeah yeah time are you do you really dance a lot i love dancing really do you ever go out and dance i do would love an evite seriously yeah we like to dance too what are you guys doing tonight holy shit a monday night dance session let's go where would people go on a monday to dance wherever that's awesome i know i mean that's why i suggested it seriously i have nothing to do

we do actually like going out and dancing i that's all i want to do i don't ever want to go out and talk to people all i want to do is go out and like not. Talking to people is the fucking worst. It's the hardest part too. All I want to do is go and like put like horse blinders on and dance. Dance to the music. Dance to the music. When we discovered dancing bars,

maybe let's say three years ago, it sort of ruined other bars for us because when you go to another bar, it sounds like there's just like something missing. Right. We're also friends with a lot of like comedy writers who don't like dancing as much as us. That's true. And they hate, like Ben hates coming to bars with us.

He won't do it. Yeah, because it's just loud. And if you don't really love dancing or getting kind of drunk. He likes dancing. He does, but not as much as us. He is good at it. Oh, he, you guys like it more? I think we, yeah, that's like we try to do it at...

We go out dancing two nights every weekend. Oh, my God. Where's my invite? Have you ever been to like dance parties? Like, have you ever been to Booty LA? No. What is Booty LA? I feel like you're part...

You can show us all the West Side dance spots. We can expose you to the East Side world. What kind of stuff do you dance to? Do you dance to hip hop? Anything. All right, cool. Like, if it's 80s music, hip-hop,

I like to, like, what's that? Like, just, like, freaking whine it. Oh, yeah. Popping and locking. I like to pop and lock. I like to dutty whine. I'm more Jamaican dance halls these days. That's another slap in the face.

Straight up, Jamaican dance halls like the shit have you ever been to break room 86 that's 80s dancing yes oh really i wonder if we've ever been there at the same time probably not i've only been there once so it would have been one in a million no because we're there literally all the time so we would have seen you there. Oh, okay, gotcha. What else do you do other than dance? I did like pulling at that thread. I write. Oh. Yeah, I'm just finishing writing a pilot.

Hello. Hello. A television show. Yes, a television show. A telenovela. A 60-minute docudrama, would you say? No. A 30 for 30.

Not at all okay yeah interesting and what sport is it about um god you just had these questions pre-prepared you didn't care what i thought i was interviewing bill simmons uh i have not edited the question at all uh you don't want to say what the pilot's about you don't have to say it's um you don't have to say yeah you're writing a tv show i'm writing a tv show and it's very on, like, it's just, like, me. Like, if I was a TV show, it basically. It's all about dancing. It's all about dancing to.

It's dancing with the stars. Jamaican. That's perfect. Music. Dancing with the stars. So writing, dancing. These are all the hyphenates. Human, writer, dancer.

Actor? Yep. Acting? Acting. I saw a MasterCard commercial you were in. Hell yeah. these are all the hyphenates human, writer, dancer actor? yep acting? acting I saw a MasterCard commercial you were in hell yeah on your Instagram how good is that shit?

you don't give a fuck I don't give two fucks that's awesome I give three though whoa three fucks in one shit I give a three fucks nice

yeah would love to be in your next spot okay how do you what? this is crazy I just want in. That was such an audacious question.

I can't believe you rewarded me. I'd love to be in your next commercial. Yeah. Just next time you're advertising. Next time you get a cool opportunity, think of old bloops. I'd like to be involved in some monetary way, shape or form. So selfish. Specifically shape.

I am not kidding. We could do a commercial. Really? I could EP. We should do a commercial really I could EP we should do a commercial for your podcast for your podcast

well technically this is a commercial for our podcast actually technically this is a podcast yeah what what

huh what am I talking who am I uh future podcaster can we give you a show yes okay

that's good what would the show be the Vandenberg show the show be the vandenberg show the av club the vanden show no that's already oh that's oh the av something is pretty cool though you might as well say ariel's whole name yeah well av is what like everyone calls me oh really people call me vandenberg vandenberg is good and like all my agents call me av because i don't think they know my full name what What about the Vandenberg disaster? I'm in.

That's a cool, that's a poetic name. Yeah, and when it starts, it's just like... Oh, and then you go, oh, the hilarity. Hi, I'm Ariel Vandenberg, and we're here to talk about famous tragedies throughout history. Oh, my God. Wait, you guys. I'm so down. Also, there was a tragedy today. What?

Oh, the Gene Wilder passing. Yeah. That's true. Thank you for bringing that up. I'm sorry, but he's one of my favorites. Yeah. For real. Yeah, he was one of the few that could be funny, but also in a very dark, serious way.

In such a mysterious way. Totally. And I feel like that wasn't an act. No. He was actually that kind of person. Yeah. Brooding and hilarious. Oh, he's a that kind of person. Yeah, brooding and hilarious. Like, he, oh, he's a genius.

What's your favorite Gene Wilder movie? Oh, my God, Young Frankenstein. Doi. I've never seen it. No way. That's true. Mel Brooks is kind of a hole in my comedy knowledge. Oh, get on that shit.

Marty Feldman is the jam. Oh, you're a real comedy nerd, huh? Yeah. All right. But for real, you need to see that movie. It's the most genius movie ever. Every piece of it.

I still watch it today and I feel like I find something new about it and I'm like, oh my God, it's amazing. Wow. I get more and more into it every time I watch it.

Although, is it black and white? It's, yeah. Yeah, hard, hard, hard, hard pass. Jesus. What? I think that's a nice way to honor somebody that dies

you watch some of their best work that's true okay why don't we stop recording and then we can watch well let's do it after the show

okay after that's right that's even better that way we get to honor let's watch it while we're recording oh so it's on in the background

yeah and then we'll occasionally chime in if necessary no that's a great idea you guys just had a show the Vandenberg disaster yeah you're the co-host.

Arielle Bloom. Yeah. We exhale so much we die. What's the opposite of breathing? Blood. So that's great. Writer, dancer, future podcaster, actor, creator. You're just...

Home wrecker. Home wrecker? JK. Home owner? I am a home homeowner that's even better namaste girl yeah that way you own a slice of the america sorry about that jake jake sometimes gets like kind of down to earth like that i really don't like you do it jake's like yeah he sometimes get all he gets all yogged out aww yeah no that's true

what's your number one source of exercise last question soul cycle and dance dancing is good I'm not even kidding you okay

the last time I don't even know the last time I wore a dress or a skirt because I dress because I know I'm gonna like end up dancing

during the day so I have to always wear pants or else you can't dance in a day so i have to always wear pants or else you can't dance in a dress no you have to dance no because i i dance like a psychopath i dance like a psychopath oh that's so like i like kick my legs up i like dance around and so i always feel like i have to be very comfortable so i can dance it's kind of like mary kath and gallagher oh no the elaine bennis meets sort of olive oil. Like the car wash guy.

Very olive oil. Yeah. Car wash inflatable man. Yeah, car wash inflatable man. Yeah. We're doing the movements. Just so you can tell. We're just waving our arms around.

I'm doing a one-person wave. Check out this trick that I just perfected. What's that? Bounce the phone on the couch right onto this. Right onto my thigh this is awful radio we all everybody wishes they could do it of course it's barely good video it's which makes it terrible for audio the Even better radio. The funny thing is that, oh, that's pretty good. Oh, there you go. Shit, try and bounce it so it lands us really high.

I'd like to imagine somebody at the gym on a treadmill. Right into your teeth. Oh, I think I got it. Fucking nailed it, dude. I'm really surprised it worked that time. Anyway. Did you have anything you wanted to plug? Something that people can,

what's the number one way for people to reach your shit is it your snapchat yeah because i think like that's where i like it's i'm always on it so there's always something to like watch on snapchat or like now that instagram has stories i'm like trying to make more instagram stories but i love instagram i love snapchat So what's your name on Instagram? Ariel. And what's your name on Snapchat? The Ariel. And what's your, you just add a the every time. And on Twitter?

The, the Ariel. It's the Ariel the. No, I'm kidding. So yeah, Twitter and Instagram is Ariel. Nailed it. It's just my first name and then the Ariel is Snapchat.

Perfect. Yeah. Hell yeah. Don't you know, don't you know anybody at Snapchat that can hook you up with that full at Ariel brand? Oi, right? Tell me about it. I know.

Come on, Snapchat. How popular do you have to be to get some love around here? I mean, Christ. You should just start to stop snapping. What am I, chopped liver? Yeah, thank you. Seriously. Next question comes from liver.

Liver lemons. Liver lemons. We do have another question. Do you want to answer yeah uh all right um we need another as it turns out girl's name chelsea handler do you know chelsea handler what do you know chelsea's handler it's handler do you know chelsea handler's handler no okay cool just wondering i want an in with her handler is all oh oh i see what you're asking me yeah i was confused i do know her the answer is yes yeah and this is her question right yeah yeah totally ch Chelsea Handler's Handler. If anybody asks. This is not a 22-year-old from London. This is actually

Chelsea Handler writing, Here's my situation. There's this guy, of course. Let's call him Crumpet. And we've been dating for about five years. Crumpet? Did you just name him or did she name him that? She named him Crumpet. That is hilarious. Thank you.

For four of those years i was dating someone else i'm 22 now they've been friends for five years yeah this she's friends with crumpet for five years okay and for four of those years she was dating somebody else biscuit biscuit let's call him bicky and although this uh although through this time crumpet made it abundantly clear that he liked me and although he is one of the best people, I wasn't ready to be in a proper relationship with somebody I liked because I was scared of being rejected, lol. Here's where shit hits the fan.

Two months ago, I got out of my four-year relationship with Biscuit when I was done kidding myself. I was honest with Crumpet, and I said I liked him back, but it hadn't been good timing. He asked me out, and we went on three dates. I had a great time. He said he did too. Date number four, I go back to his place. We fool around. And then one week later, I get the let's just be friends text. Oh man, I could have hit the roof. He said that he never

wanted to date me. He fancied me, but he didn't like me. And he just wanted to go there because I'm hot. like i'm fine with being told that by a random person i don't care about seeing again but a good friend of five years am i being crazy here did i read this so wrong was he within his rights to say that i'm cool with just being friends but there's no spark if there's no spark but there's been five years of spark and tension and all that he should have just told me he wasn't interested before dating me four times and bringing me back to his place, right? Is this some kind of revenge for making him wait? Did he seriously invest five years to fucking Chuck? I feel like I have no idea what the hell prompted this meanness. It flies in the face of everything I knew about him. He wants

to just be friends and I think I do too, but I don't even know how to A, get over crump and B, understand what the fuck just happened. Are you crying? What would you do if you were me? Send a snotty message and say see ya. Ask to talk and try to figure out what happened or just cut one of my best friends out of my life forever.

Cheers pals. Multiple choice. Any insight you can provide into the male psyche would be very appreciated. Love, Chelsea Handlers. So the question is, should she have long-distance sex? No? Is that what you read? Is that what you read into?

No, I'm kidding. So, wait. You were also shocked when I said the let's just be friends text. Well, I have a question. Okay. The very first sentence, was it that he said he loved her before or something he like basically had a crush on this girl that's been in a relationship for four years and then once she was free they went on four dates they went on

four dates and he was like never mind just kidding i just wanted to i want to be friends with you yeah i got the hookup out of the way out of of my system, as it were. Well. That is insane. Is it a dick move? No, it's just bad timing, like she said. That's legit just bad timing. But the fact that he said, let's just be friends after five years of obsessing over her and then finally going out with her. And then he did.

And then he's like, actually, let's just be friends. Is that a dick move? Have you met any of those teen movies where they wait and they're like, oh, this was the right person all along. You ran into my nose. Then they wait and they're like, oh, this was the right person all along. You ran into my nose. Then they fuck. They're like, actually. Never mind.

I got that out of my system. I feel like that is way more common than the actual like. Storybook ending. Storybook ending. Yeah. Because like the second you kiss someone, you know if you're like going to hang out with them again. Right. I do. That's the's the magic oh so you like

usually i make snap judgments right away i know but you're saying you don't know until the kiss happens no no i'm saying like if i'm beyond the point of liking someone yeah like if i'm like oh i like this person here we go the next thing is to kiss them and then you're like if the kiss is bad then you're like well i gotta go wow bad kiss i never thought about a bad kiss i'm always so concerned about other stuff during that moment well it's not like i just think that it's really important because you know that's the chemistry the electricity yeah there's like you already like each other and actually here's the thing okay Okay. No. Okay, I'm wrong. I lied.

Here's where it goes. That was not the thing. That's not the thing at all. No, but I, if you, okay. It's like that song, if you wanna know if he loves you so, it's in his kiss. That's where it is.

Sha la la la la, don't be shy. That is a different song, you idiot. I just spilled water on myself, so I feel pretty dumb right now. I can't handle being called an idiot right now. You feel like you're under the sea?

Oh my god. But there is a lot in a kiss. There is, but that's not what I meant. I meant like so okay for this situation I think like a girl the way

so fuck okay this is good I need to go back rewind I need to go back in time here we go

okay hi I'm Arielle Vandenberg welcome to the podcast follow me on Snapchat sorry I was just thinking about how to plug myself anyway it's the Arielle the Follow me on Snapchat. Sorry, I was just thinking about how to plug myself. Anyway, it's V-R-E-L on Snapchat.

That's what I wanted to say. It's not in this kiss. It has nothing to do with kissing. Also, chemistry, you know in a second. No. Okay. So like, if I like a guy and there's like an initial thing where I'm like, oh, this guy's really cool and fun to talk to. I'm like like i hope he's a good kisser because that's when like it's gonna

be perfect because if he's not then you're like well shit so no kiss more than sex yeah so okay so like i hope he's a good kisser is what you think not because if he's if you already like him that means that he's gonna be a good kisser because you like him. And then if he's a good kisser, then he's automatically going to be good at doing other stuff. Wow. Okay, that's good to know. So it's like you should practice your kissing as much as you could your other stuff. Well, I think liking someone in the very beginning is the reason why anything's good after liking someone.

Right. It's all subjective. Anybody can be a good or a bad kisser depending on who you're kissing. Exactly. Have you ever had a great date and a bad kiss? Yup. And that's just like, oh no. Yeah.

But I mean, I still hung out with him because he was like so nice and great, but it just like, but it like wasn't there. Right. Like the whole package wasn't there. I feel bad because you're talking about Jake, but like what about the kiss? I thought it was there. When he was there. The wasn't there. I feel bad because you're talking about Jake, but what about the kids? I thought it was there. When he was there. The package was whole, for sure.

And he was swole. It just, I don't know, it made me think differently. Too sloppy, too dry, too open, too closed? It was too aggressive. Yeah, I was like, yo, bro, you don't know me yet. Me? Who, me? Too aggressive?

Get back, get back. You don't know me like that. Yeah. They don't love you like I love you. No. Okay. Can I say something? Y'all were talking for about three minutes.

I got theories on kissing and chemistry, too. I feel like we're not answering this poor girl's question. No, I want to know the chemistry kissing theories. Oh, no, I don't actually have one. I think anybody I kiss... Oh, I think that I don't need to feel chemistry to have sex with somebody. I could get over that hump pretty easily.

Well, that's because you're a dude. Yeah, but like, so sometimes sex is good and sometimes it's less good. But there's never anything that's like, oh, I kissed good and sometimes it's less good, but there's never anything that was like, oh, I kissed somebody and I didn't feel anything. I always feel something. Well, yeah. It's always great.

Yes. But, but when you really, really like, it can make you really like someone or it could be like, eh. Oh yeah. I'm a hundred percent. I completely agree with you. If you kiss somebody that you like have a huge crush on and you're falling in love with, there's no better feeling in the world. But I also think that I've

kissed ugly strangers who I didn't respect and been like, that's dope too. I've kissed ugly strangers. And that's dope. Put that on my fucking tombstone. I've kissed ugly strangers.

The two worst things you can be. Ugly? Oh, God. And a stranger. So, but here's, I'll say this about this girl and this guy's situation. He's within his rights to, you know, to hook up and say that he's not feeling it. Because like maybe he had a real, maybe like that, for five full years he'd been like looking forward to this thing and maybe he built it up too much and it wasn't all he was hoping for

and now he's not into it anymore. Yeah. Maybe he did it in a non, he did it in a too cold way. Yeah. I mean, he sounds like a dick, but I don't think anything he did was illegal. I don't think that's a dick move though. You do or do not he did was illegal. I don't think that's a dick move, though. You do or do not? I don't.

You don't think it's a dick move? No, because whatever happened in five years, you change so much. So the second this person's out of a relationship, I mean, I don't think that she... Because she asked, she she was like should i say see ya or should i still be friends with him i say you still be friends with him because you never know what the future holds for you two anyways like you it could be sparks could happen again sparks could fly and hopefully it's not when you're back in a four-year relationship but if it is then you know but what about the fact that he's like he just wanted to go there

because i'm hot that's a mean thing to say right wait yeah that is mean i didn't even remember that part he could have handled it a little bit better he was very like cold it seemed like he fancied me but didn't like me he just wanted to go there because i'm hot for four years guy i mean actually yeah that's probably if he's like crushing on somebody for four years. I mean, actually, yeah, that's probably a bad mom. If he's crushing on somebody for four years, she's finally single, gives him a chance, he hooks up with her and he's like, damn, I only wanted that because you were hot. I mean, that's such a crazy amount of time and effort to put into. Yeah, he honestly probably maybe felt rejected for so long that he wanted to reject himself a little bit. Right, yeah, she did suggest that, right?

That was one of her fears. Yeah, a little bit. That was one of her fears. I wonder if he like, got, he was like, well, got what I needed, but he actually is really in love with her. Shit. You're such a romantic. I really am. Here's what I, this is,

I think this is the real, the real takeaway. She's been in a relationship for four years or five years or whatever it was. Yeah. Now she's single. She should go out and be single and not like try to jump right into... Yeah.

This guy doesn't deserve this amount of scrutiny and trying to figure out what's going on. So don't send him a snotty message. Don't get back together with him. Middle of the road is you don't have to be with him, but you can still be friends with him. Yeah, fuck it. He was like a little bit of a dick, so you don't have to date him. And there are other people out there. Yeah.

All right. That's that. Namaste. Nice, dude. Anyways. Jesus. My favorite subplot of this episode is that Ariel hates when you say namaste. Put your hands to a heart center and open up your soul to the universe.

Mother of God. Let's go through your shavasana. Oh, you know more of those words? I'm done with you. The chemistry is palpable, baby. A sun salutation. Jake is doing a downward dog right now. Is that what it's called?

Yeah. Perfect. Thank you for coming on our show. Didn't it just fly by? That's it? Yeah We only talked to three girls I know

A little under an hour That's why you have to come back Or you can listen to Arielle On her upcoming You're pissed I'm not coming back It's too fucking short This was too short

I'm mad about it You always have to leave them Wanting more You can't give them too much Remember that when you start Your own show That's my problem Oh you always

I always go above and beyond i always leave them wanting less they're like you know what i could do with a little bit less let's say 10 off like an rl sale so make sure you guys listen to my four hour podcast it's starting now and never ends it'll never come out because i'm always going to be recording it. It's a podcast and a live stream. I've bugged my room. I've bugged my car. Your Truman showing. It's just a live feed straight to my bathroom. That's actually where we're trending as a society.

Not a bad idea. True. Once again, Arielle's on Instagram, Arielle, Snapchat, the Arielle, Twitter, Arielle. Yeah. You can find her online wherever DVDs are sold. You are at Blockbuster. Yeah. Thanks for find her online, wherever DVDs are sold. You are at Blockbuster. Yeah. Thanks for coming on the show.

Thank you so much. That was so fun. I agree. For real. This opening theme song was written by Amir, as I said before. The closing one is a Gnarls Barkley parody by Sheldon. Oh, my God. Thanks to anybody that's written in.

If you have your own theme songs or questions, the email address for everything is ifIwereyoushow at gmail.com. And we'll be back next Monday with an all new episode. See you guys there. You're stepping on my tagline. See you guys there. That's what I say.

God damn it. You do not say see you guys there! I remember when, I remember, I remember when I seized that cheese There was something so pleasant about Amir Even your advice had an echo in Raven's Nest And when you're out there without a care Yeah, I was in a Starbucks

But it wasn't because I tried to kill myself I wanted to listen to these two Jews If I were your podcast With Jake and Amir Right into the show And if I were your show at gmail.com Yeah That was a HeadGum Podcast.