Segments - 233: Baby Names (w/Pat Cassels!)

Episode Date: September 12, 2016

Emmy nominated friend Pat Cassels joins us to discuss hot friends, terrible pets, and pregnant men. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace, FrameBridge, and TrunkClub! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. We'll be right back. Trying to seize your cheese Yeah Yeah, you got problems And you got no one else So you ask yourself Where is my cheese?

Where is my cheese? Where is my cheese? Where is my cheese? Where is my cheese? Yeah. Wow. That was a cover. Do you know what it was a cover of? The Pixies.

That's incorrect. What was it? a cover of? The Pixies. That's incorrect. What was it? No, it is The Pixies. The Pixies, Where Is My Mind. Where is my mind? Where is my cheese? I love that song. Mitchell Croom has nothing music related to promote,

but shout out to his brother, Paul. Woo! Who did everything. Who actually wrote and recorded the song. I came up with where is my cheese? And then my older bro sort of figured it out from there. Pat Castle's in the house. Hi.

When was the last time you were on this here program? I think I can search. I think it was the one, the Hiao, what was the name of the episode? God. Hiao, you mean? What did I say? You said Hiao. I said, yeah, come on.

You idiot. I did a Dean scream. Hiao. Have you been on the show twice? Or once? No, twice, right? Was it twice? I think maybe, yeah, twice.

I think I did it once in the back of your guys's house yeah back in the day with that you had a cool backyard and like the extra house the extra house and maybe another time in your other house you did one of our first ones in amir's apartment yeah oh my god that was episode 30 what was it about cave and the towel fort yeah remember what we talked i if you if you mention a story from it. I can't. I try to listen to every episode before I go to bed, but there's over 200 now, so I never get to it. You only get through one and a half. Yeah.

You should do mini-sodes. What does that mean? I don't know. Like shorter versions. It's like a recap or something. Oh, that's good. Sounds cool. Thursday mini-sode?

Yeah, just like a... Where you only talk about questions. And you get Verge Royer to do it. Pat. His name was Mini-Me in the movie. That's when they did it, not me. I called him Vern. You guys remember...

I feel like people forget that Beyonce was in the third Austin Powers movie. That is pretty crazy. See, you're a movie guy are there ever like cameos where the person goes on to be bigger than the movie they're in i would say that one is she was bigger than that movie when she when she not because otherwise she wouldn't have done it like she wouldn't do it now even if she would i don't think she would do it i don't think she'd be in the fourth austin powers if they let her be the lead in it even like she wouldn't be aust Powers in the fifth Austin Powers.

The fourth Austin Powers. Oh, there's only been three. Yeah, unfortunately. She was in Goldmember. Yeah. At the time, that movie was huge. Was it? Yeah. So you're saying Beyonce would be in it now?

Oh, no, not now. No. But I mean, I don't think the parallel is the same. Like it's, like now Austin Powers is sort of a joke. It's like, wouldce be in like the biggest comedy this year she doesn't even do cam yeah i don't think she's even done like like she didn't do a cameo in pop star she doesn't even do like those kind of like she's bigger than that she's almost bigger than movies yeah well but she used to be like an actress writer or sorry actress

singer now she's only doing singing she doesn't do acting was she an actress aside from uh austin powers once you do austin powers like where where do you go what how do you top that it wasn't like gwyneth paltrow in austin powers yeah wasn't gwyneth it was heather graham or was it gwyneth paltrow might have been in the in the beginning of i don't know why i know all this in the beginning of the third one there's that whole like sequence where it's like austin power the movie within the movie and tom cruise plays austin powers and kevin spacey plays dr evil oh god tom cruise was in it i haven't seen these uh movies in a while actually that's a cool like kevin bacon game uh thing where like what movie was tom cruise and were Tom Cruise and Beyonce in oh

that's a good one I'm really asking you right now you already forgot we've been talking about it for two and a half minutes some would say

too long sorry I think it was perfect thanks for coming on the show again I just saw you're on episode 30 and then episode 127

and now it's like in the 230s so like every hundred or so we have you back cool pat staying with me is that fair to say is that weird you've been crashing with me i've been crashing on your couch yeah this is i'm this is a laundry day i'm literally i'm using a washing machine as we speak oh shit are you okay because did you make sure to plug in the tube in the back otherwise oh my god i have to go there's god

your laundry machine's cheap yeah if you don't plug it into the sink the water the suds just sort of spill out of the back i did but i also just realized i left the door open i left the front door of the washing machine open and like no one's gonna go into the apartment because it's covered in suds yeah i'm just looking outside any outside. No one's going to steal any of your ruined shit. We're half a mile away, but I do see this sort of tidal wave of bubbling water sort of trickling down the street. I'm so sorry, I can't. It sounds like it's a problem beyond just not plugging in the tube.

Yeah. A tidal wave might not be your apartment. There's no way, right? Yeah. There's no way. One tube could cause that. A tidal wave half of half of a mile away.

Uh, but now you live in New York. The first two times you were an unnative Angeleno. Now you're back in New York. Yes. And now you're visiting LA. Correct. Uh,

I'm like, just you're bi-coastal. Are you bi-coastal? I'm, uh, are you at least bi-curious about the coast? Are you bi-winning? I,

um, I mean, Are you at least bi-curious about the coast? Are you bi-winning? I think bi-coastal means you have a house on both coasts, right? Or you split your time pretty evenly between them. I don't do that. He's homeless in New York. Yeah. You're non-coastal. Yeah. You spend, I would say, nine months out of the year in Kansas City.

Under an overpass. No, you write for the Samantha Bee Show. full frontal with samantha b that's pretty cool it is cool so you're a tv writer now you look fucking big shot huh yeah yeah well you're staying on my couch yeah hollywood yeah you took the cushions away like i'm trying to put me in my place the power move i tried to smoke you out of the hole uh no that's exciting though yeah. Yeah, it's great. We're on hiatus at the moment. How long is your hiatus? We come back on September

12th, Monday, 10.30. What's your schedule like throughout the year? Is it a daily show or a weekly show? It's a weekly show, every Monday. You're also nominated for an Emmy? Yes. You're an Emmy nominated writer? For writing, the show is You're also nominated for an Emmy? Yes. You're an Emmy-nominated writer?

For writing, the show is nominated. So you're an Emmy nominee? Yes, as of this recording. Right. You are wearing a shirt that says I'm an Emmy nominee. That's why I bring it up. Ask me about it. When this airs, though, I'll be an Emmy loser.

So really, now is the high point. Yeah. It's an honor just to be nominated. This is the only time you guys would have me on. Yeah. And beneath you, the other rest of the year. It's not an honor to lose, but it's an honor to be nominated. Yeah.

And have not be determined yet. We call it a nod in the industry. I don't know if you guys... Wow, you got the Emmy nod. Nod a nation. It's a typo. We've gotten the Emmy shake, where they just do the... The no. Yeah. that's a chiller way

to do it it's like the one of these oh yeah like the bouncer i no one could see what i just did yeah yeah you're what how would you say you're tilting your head back like a chin towards the spencer how did my chin upward yeah we're chin jet uh all right well you're on the podcast again i don't have to explain to you how things work. But in case somebody's listening for the first time, huge Pat Castles fan that forgot the first two episodes is checking our show for the first time right now. This is an advice show. It's called If I Were You, the only advice show on the internet hosted by me and Jake. Sometimes it's just us two trying to dispense wisdom. People will email us. They're in a difficult place in their lives. They're seeking advice. Sometimes we have friends. Sometimes we have Emmy-nominated friends. Really?

Yeah. Not often, but sometimes we have Emmy-nominated friends. And today we have our Emmy-nominated friend, Pat Castles, in the house to help offer our advice to these people. as always these are real emails from real people you know that me yeah you yeah of course uh but we need to give them fake names just to preserve their anonymity okay so pat if you have a fake man's name? I'll read this question. Um, Dirk. Dirk. Dirk? Dirk. And then what's Dirk's last name? He doesn't need one. Like Beyonce, he's bigger than the last name. It's just Dirk.

Actually, her last name is Knowles. But it doesn't need to be. You don't need to say that. All right. Dirk writes, Dear Jake Namir, I'm a high school senior, and there's this girl that I was talking to a few months ago, and I really like this girl, and it seemed like she was interested in me too. And one day she asked me if I liked her, and I panicked,

and I said, only as a friend. And we went on as normal, and less than a week later, she got a boyfriend, and I've been thinking about her a lot lately, and we've been talking like we used to and she even asks me to do stuff like stay on the phone with her until she falls asleep and

other stuff that normal friends don't don't uh don't do even though she still has a boyfriend and I really want to tell her how I feel so should I seize the cheese or move on and find someone else please help I think that was all one sentence. There was no punctuation at all. That was a hard one to read. 19 different question marks scattered throughout. This is the loneliness and horniness of a teenager who can't even handle himself. That is the proper punctuation.

There's this girl, and I liked her, and she's with someone else, but she asked me to hang out, and I need help. And he sent it from an email address that says something like, Jake and Amir, please help me at gmail.com. So he created this because he was afraid he'd get caught, maybe by the boyfriend, maybe by the girlfriend. It's hard because when you're a teenager that's when you peak want girls yeah but it's also when you peak don't understand every teenager's psyche is one

run-on sentence one needy run-on sentence holy shit this is everything this is now this is happening what do i do oh i made a mistake oh my god uh do you remember the whole stay on the phone with me until i fall asleep thing but did he just said in the email or when you were a kid? No, just ever. Have you ever had that? I have not. Not specifically until I fall. I've had long phone conversations with girls in the evening, but they don't fall asleep when I'm talking to them.

Oh, very nice. That's pretty darn interesting. Because I'm very loud and anxious. Because when I fall asleep, it's very, very nasally. It's night tremors. A lot of night tremors. But I've heard of that. It seems cute.

Yeah. I remember having this cell phone that was so old. And after an hour and a half of conversation, it was hot to the touch. I couldn't even keep it to my ear anymore. But I always felt so bad being like, all right, now let let's go to sleep this is third degree burns on your ear this is very nice and cute haha i don't want to leave you either i do want to hang up though you're talking to girls no this was college this was last night still though college talking to girls that's still a win that's a w that W. You're really eating up minutes there.

With the cell phone. This kid is. That was another thing. I remember cell phone plans. You have to monitor your minutes. But I had free nights and weekends. So after 9.01 p.m., that's when we can chat forever. Nice.

She wasn't worth an afternoon call? Until the sun comes up. So I didn't know kids still talk to each other on the phone that's unrelated afternoon call afternoon delight by speaking to you on the phone that's when you chat for 15 minutes around 3 p.m i call her at 9 a.m and it's like because you're worth it baby high noon she's like i was i please i need another hour of Very cool. I talk to her until she wakes up, actually. That's my thing. Not until she falls asleep.

Yeah, and then when she wakes up, you go to bed. Like you guys are taking shifts guarding something. So this situation is this girl has a boyfriend, but she's still kind of acting like she's into him. I think he should tell her. I mean, she asked, do you like me? She straight up asked him, and he said no, but he meant to say, I think you should tell her. I mean, she asked, do you like me? She straight up asked him and he said no, but he meant to say,

I think you should say yeah. Girls, I think most of the time know when a guy likes them and if they don't like that guy, they wouldn't, she wouldn't ask. Like,

if she didn't want to be liked by him and she would know, she knows that he likes her. Right. So asking is sort of like a flirtatious thing. Like, do you like me?

And he's like, as a friend. Yeah. But if she didn of like a flirtatious thing. Like, do you like me? And he's like, as a friend. Yeah. But if she didn't like him at all, do you really think that she would say, do you like me?

She would just know and totally ignore you. Yeah, and the fact that she's still talking to you on the phone until she falls asleep is the most flirtatious sign of all.

Yeah, she still likes you. Because she wants to hear your voice. Right. So what's the play now? Is it like, hey, I've been thinking about your question and I'd like to change my answer. Yeah.

I mean, by the way, also like he stumbled into like a really kind of baller move. He was like, I don't like you. And that probably made her like him more. She went out and got a new boyfriend trying to make him jealous. And it worked. And now she's fucking the other guy. Ooh, I'm so jealous. And now she's engaged.

What he didn't mention is that when he's talking to her until she falls asleep, she's also being fucked by the other boy, by the boyfriend. Will you stay on the phone with me while this guy goes down on me? So I think you could say, hey i i lied to you before i i do like you as more than a friend that's cute i lied to you and then she's like i can't believe you

would lie to me this relationship obviously means nothing it's not a lie if you believe it uh all right so you can tell her the truth it's not too late late. It might be too late, but you should definitely tell her. Might as well. Yeah, you have nothing to lose. You've already lost. You're already doing all the responsible parts of the relationship, which is like talking to them until you fall asleep. You might as well get some of the joy of making out and stuff.

I guess the only reason... Yeah, because also the only reason not to would be you don't want to make the friendship awkward but like since she already asked you if you like him like it's not to me that is it's not awkward because she put the question on the table so like even if you say i like you know what i thought about it and i do like you and not just as a friend then she's then it's uh you know it's like sorry too late i have a boyfriend now and it's like at least we tried and it's like i didn, too late. I have a boyfriend now. And it's like, at least we tried. Didn't get the timing right, but whatever.

What's with the phone calls then? How do you explain the phone calls till four in the morning? I just like talking on the phone, dude. Very good then. Okay, talk to your boyfriend on the phone. Arrivederci. Well, he sleeps over all the time. I don't want to talk to him on the phone.

It wouldn't make sense. There'd be a feedback loop because we'd be so close to each other. Shit. Alright, go for it. We have... Connect four. That's right. Another question from another man. Do you have another guy's name for us? Kirk. I love it.

I don't understand what the theme is so far, but maybe if we get to three, I'll start figuring it out. Hey guys, my wife's pregnant with a baby girl and we wanted ideas for baby names. We were both looking for something scientific, so something from astronomy. I also like Greek mythology, so anything that crosses over might be good. Or if you guys have any other ideas or themes, we'd be open to us as well. Thanks. Yours truly, Kirk. Whoa, we could name a baby? Yeah. How about Smirk or Lurk?

Well, don't blow your idea right now. I got more. I have more. Yeah. Profusely sweating. I got to Google something real quick. Have you ever named a baby? No, but my...

I can't believe you had to think about it. Did you ever even come close? I've never named a baby that I know of. Nice. So you haven't. No. Ever. I think one of my nephews was potentially going to be born on my birthday, and they

were like, maybe we'll name him after you if he's born on your birthday. Wow. December 26th. But he wasn't. Nice. They rushed a C-section. To avoid their promise. now it's a Christmas baby a full Christmas baby

so names that you like whether they have to I don't know you probably know more about astronomy or Greek mythology do you have an example

of an astronomy or a Greek mythology name hmm I actually know a lot about Greek mythology and i resent that you that you that you that you that you leapfrogged me to pat all right so do you have a greek hercules a girl's name herculia it's a girl is it a girl uh yeah it's a girl oh man the moon the moon

with a the yeah the moon Jupiter's moon like the game space Star Jones Persephone

Persephone's a pretty one Persephone Athena oh that's pretty good I don't know what they were these were the gods I think Athena

was queen of the gods who's the one that ate the pomegranate seeds and had to spend half the year underground in Hades? And that's why we have seasons. I think that's Persephone. Persephone. There you have it. You want to name her after a pomegranate-eating idiot

who's in hell right half the year. I noticed that I like names that were popular in the early 1900s that are like coming around again this isn't really really greek mythology but i researched the top 200 names in england and wales in 1900 through 1910 why did you do that because i run out of like porn to search for no no this is for this question oh Oh, okay. When I'm done with porn, I get off to names from Wales in the 1900s. What does that have to do with astronomy and...

It doesn't, but like he said, he can also give us some... All right, go ahead. Get some other suggestions. Right. So how nice would all these names be? Annie, love it. Edith, great, kind of a throwback.

Alice, ooh, that's nice. I recognize that name. Dorothy, Margaret. Lily. Violet. Ada. Beatrice. Ivy. Rose. Gertrude. A lot of botanical ones there.

Ivy, Rose. Right. I like all those. Lily. Those are some good ones. Lily. Also, I think you could... Olive, come hither. Jupiter has... How many moons? 36 Olive, come hither. Jupiter has... How many moons? 36? I don't know.

Jupiter moons? I thought it had two. Oh, 67. Jesus. So, name after some Jupiter moons. There's some good ones. We all know Europa, but we don't know the lesser known Ganymede, Lo, Kallista, Amalthea, Phoebe. Oh, those are good. Adrastea. Phoebe Kalista. Ganymede. Amalthea. Phoebe.

Oh, those are good. Adrastea. Phoebe's fun. It's Phoebe. Or Phoebe. God, I hate... You'd have to give your child a name that she'd constantly have to clarify. Ooh, Ellara.

How do you spell it? E-L-A-R-A. Ellara's pretty cool. So is Leta. So... Hera is a really strong name. Hera? Hera.

Oh, from Greek mythology. Kirk, if you are listening, let us know if you use any of these. That way, if anybody asks us if we've named a child before, we can say yes. Just looking at some more of these Jupiter moons, they get pretty... They start sounding like chemicals. Like, there's one called Praxedike. There's also one called S-2003J16. That's a beautiful name.

They even ran out of names to give it to the moon. But then there's one called Silen, and that's pretty cool. Yeah, yeah. I want to try and think of other themes like this guy said. I think that's kind of fun. Oh, so he can search this thing and then like have 50 to his disposable so he said greek mythology jake said jupiter names i said names from the early 20th century in wales uh what about like uh what about famous monkeys Famous monkeys. Dunstan.

Famous monkeys. Grape Ape, Coco, Clyde, Mighty Joe Young. No, these aren't very good. Really? Those are all men's names. Those are all men monkey names. Yeah. Famous female monkeys.

What about famous women? Just famous women from history, like Amelia. Oh, that's a good name. Amelia. Though Amelia, she was missing in the middle of the atlantics yeah amelia was kind of a coward right because she she couldn't even figure out how the plane worked how does that make her a coward like at least at least get the insult right if you're gonna be so disrespectful wasn't erhart kind of an airhead i mean like i'm serious dude how hard is it to fucking drive a car or whatever the fuck she did when i

rented the movie airheads i thought it was amelia airheart what when i rented the movie airheads i thought it was amelia airheart i actually wasn't so wrong if you watch it with a keen eye sorry real quick keen eye and a cool tongue one of saturn's moons is actually called phoebe so if you did like the name phoebe when you thought that I said Phoebe, when I said Phoebe. Right. Sorry. Phoebe, Phoebe.

You can name her Phoebe. Dude. She's the funniest of the friends, I think. Oh, that's true. Next to Chandler. And Joey. There's a moon named Pandora. And Rachel had her moments too.

Pandora's from Greek mythology. Pandora's a great one. I love Pandora. That seems, yeah, that seems like you're going to- Because then if you eat her out, it's like Pandora's box. And. I love Pandora. That seems, yeah, that seems like you're going to raise. Because if you eat her out, it's like Pandora's box. That's kind of cute. Sorry to talk about your baby that way. Bro, you've got to tell me when she turns 18.

I'm sorry. Even if her name isn't Pandora, I'd love to hook up with SJ200's box. I actually feel, I realize I'm talking about an actual child that's going to exist. No, no, no, unborn yet. Yeah, she's not. Oh, good. No. So we can an actual child that's going to exist no no no unborn yet so we can imagine how hot she's going to be did he say it was a daughter oh you know what never mind it was a son alright let's re-record

did he say it was a daughter or just a child with a baby girl do you think you'll do the I don't want to know the gender thing if you have a child I think there's enough unknowns thing if you have a child? I think there's enough unknowns when you're having a child. I want to know everything about my kid.

That's awesome. If he's got a pussy or a dick, you better tell me. This is you talking to the gynecologist. I want to know, so you know what color to paint the nursery. Oh, that's beautiful, Pat. Yellow for boy and forest green for girl. Go by German color standards color standards yeah the original mother of gruesome grim so they could tell they could tell you everything about your baby like hey it's going to be healthy and you don't have to know if it's going to be a boy or a girl yeah

that's pretty fun i would like that that's a fun game i don't even want to know if it's going to be healthy like i want that i want that surprise jesus you have an unhealthy baby boy oh i can't believe it's unhealthy we already painted the nursery now it has to stay in this incubator because it has jaundice jesus i think i don't want i would probably want to know i'm uh what's who like it's whether you're surprised when it comes out of the mommy or whether you're surprised when the doctor... Or the daddy. Let's be a little more politically correct. It's 2016. The baby might come out of the daddy.

The daddy's pee hole. I've seen the movie Junior. I know it's fun. Did it come out of his ass or his dick in that movie? It came out of his mouth. Neither. I never saw the movie. I never saw it either.

He is pregnant, right? And I assume at the movie he goes into labor. I think they... And do they ever say, it's coming out of your ass, Arnold, or it's coming out of your... It's coming. Where does it come out? I don't know. I would guess they had a C-section, or he does a snot rocket and the baby just fires out. I like in Terminator 1 when he pulls it out of his nose.

That's the strangest movie. Have you seen it? No. That movie takes place at a university, but they shot it at my college. So I remember seeing Junior and being like, oh, that's where. It's shot at your college? Yeah, they shot it at Berkeley. Whoa, that's impressive.

Thanks, man. He didn't do anything. They shot Black Swan at my college. The movie Black, the dance scenes. The exteriors. Yeah. What about the scene where they freaking lez out on each other, dude?

Can you name the lady in Junior? That was shot in my geometry class. During the class, what? Can you name the lady in Junior? Emma Thompson. Wow, that means you know a lot about movies. Congrats, man. I just can see that video box and i see her like poking her head into the frame or something like that that's the second box reference you've had in the last three minutes pervert you've got this the second time i met uh

her vagina so are you looking up to see if he has has it out of his ass or not you know wikipedia doesn't have spoilers um i will say that an interesting fact about the movie is that it cost $60 million. That's a lot. Well, because Schwarzenegger probably cost a lot of money back then. That was peak Schwarzenegger, peak governator. And I think they actually impregnated him, which might have been the extra,

because he wanted to be completely natural. This is the rabbit hole, by the way. This is that podcast we have to fucking do. It was nominated for an Oscar. I'll leave it on that what yeah best wait no we don't we gotta find out the most important thing what did it how do you have the baby i think it was just a c-section did he have the baby i can't believe you think he came out of his butt i think he came out of his ass uh why don't we take a break i'll do a little bit of research and then on the other side of this we'll come back with the answer so let's take a break? I'll do a little bit of research, and then on the other side of this, we'll come back with the answer.

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Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah.

But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change but ultimately it's not a full body swap right mostly you're just concussed yeah which is new just kind of like having a new personality yeah it's funny i consider myself a vision lifter which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, visionlifters? Yeah, visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to Squarespace.com slash SEGMENTS.

SEGMENTS. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Hey, we're back. I think the answer is that it came out of his ass oh i knew it no no at one point it says uh angela goes into labor hessie

who's schwarzenegger has an emergency c-section so i think it was a they sliced him open and took the baby out who's angela oh god you don't want to get this deep into it. Yeah, okay. I'm satisfied. I'm satisfied. I will drop it. I think they're cowards. They didn't go full throttle towards him actually having to push the baby out of an orifice. You think? You think with modern science, like, you

could almost put a baby inside of a guy. Male seahorses give birth. There you have it. Is it that crazy to say? I wanted to say real quickly that Jake and I are going to be doing live shows in Toronto, Minnesota, Chicago, and Detroit coming up in the next few weeks. So you can check all those dates and ticket availability at ifirewshow.com.

Have you ever been to those cities? Which cities did you say again? Chicago, Detroit, Minneapolis, Toronto. I've been to Chicago, and I think that's it. I don't think I've been to Detroit. Maybe some air, maybe like a layover in an airport. That's awesome. There's a great Cinnabon in the Detroit airport that I highly recommend.

There's that restaurant in the Chicago airport that we always eat at. Oh, the Tortos. Tortos place. Yeah. There's like one restaurant that's like in the O'Hare airport that's like actually legit really good. Oh, wow. That if you ever find yourself in the O'hare airport with a layover i think it's called

tortoise or something or frank is it called tortoise i realize that's what they sell yeah you ever got a seafood restaurant in lax i realize i've gotten there every time i go to lax there's a seafood restaurant called like oh gladstones gladstones yeah that's my jam rick bayless's tortoise frontera is what it's called. Free plug, dude. Yeah, dude. Oh, no, they're paying us. We're not really going to Chicago.

We also hate that place. I don't think I've been to Toronto. You should check it out. Yeah. So, TV writing, Samantha Bee, full frontal. How does it compare to the old College Humor job? Is the pressure higher because it's for television, or does it feel sort of the same?

I would say the pressure's a little bit higher because there is a very firm deadline. Broadcast? Yeah, the show airs on Monday, so it has to be written by Monday, whereas at College Humor, there were deadlines, but it was a little more flexible because usually a sketch, when we were going to release it, was kind of to be determined. Unless it was a Christmas-themed video that we had to get it out before Christmas, or it was a topical video like a sketch about Charlie Bit My Finger or something like that.

You're talking about Samantha Bee now. Yes. I've been pitching a Charlie bit my finger or something like that. You're talking about Samantha Bee now. Yes. I've been pitching a Charlie bit my finger sketch piece every week. Still topical because those kids are about to turn 15 and 13.

God. Actually, Dan Gerwich and I, we have this joke because I think he wrote a sketch about, remember Corey Delaney,

the kid with the sunglasses? Yeah, the sunglasses. Who wouldn't take off his sunglasses? I'll apologize, but I'm not going to take off my sunglasses. Dan wrote a sketch about that, maybe with someone else.

That was like a parody of that. Then we didn't make it because it was already not news anymore. And this is like seven years ago. But once a year, once every couple of years, Dan and I will email Sam and be like, Hey, man, we really think you should give this another look. We think it's time. It's like the current cultural climate really yeah is primed for it it's more topical now than ever yeah do you write when you're writing for samantha b do you ever

write like sketches like you did for college humor is it more like her monologue and uh usually more the uh like like yeah um segments segments like act one act two stuff which is just a news story and kind of jokes off of that um we do do do do you do do where on her desk okay you know honestly this is like a sophisticated new show and you know sorry about that that's okay but we do do do you poo-poo actually i wanted to submit a packet for that show. Your thoughts on the AFL-CIO. Is there a labor crisis in this country? Cold opens, which are like sketches, occasionally. And do you ever write for the internet? Kind of like how you use your viral mind when you're writing for college humor sketches.

Does that come in handy when you're writing for the TV show? My interned sometimes. Yeah, I think so. I mean, everything I've ever, like, you know, everything, you kind of use everything in your brain, probably in one way or another, but probably.

Like the, we do have a Twitter account, an Instagram account, and a Medium account, and we've kind of written all sorts of like, done all sorts of silly, random things on that. Oh, interesting. Are you following the news more,

or did you always follow the news? I think I always follow the news, but I'm following it a lot more now, for sure. I feel like you're way more up-to-date. Yeah, I mean, with this hiatus, it's kind of bizarre to go from checking it hourly to sometimes going a day and not checking it. What an exciting time to start writing for the news, because between Trump and crooked Hillary, I feel like she's giving you enough. One person trying to make America great, and the other one trying to drag it into some sort of recession. She's stealing emails and shit. We're going to have eight more years of Obama if we don't vote correctly, is all.

You're not literally. He's going to stay in office for eight years. You know who founded ISIS? You know, I read Trump's Twitter account. Did that what he claimed? Yeah. He's the founder and MVP. So, not just the guy, like, not like just a figurehead that sort of checked out.

Well, at least something he did worked. Thank you. At least he got one thing through Congress. I can't believe Congress passed it. Have you heard about those clowns in Congress? But overall, super pro, great so uh enjoying the job over there oh yeah it's great i love yeah they're the they're i they're some of the smartest nicest people i've ever met how big is the writing staff uh there are uh six staff writers a writer's assistant

and then uh our ep joe is a writer and sam herself is a writer samantha is a writer, and Sam herself is a writer. Samantha B is a writer on the show? Yes. Where's your office? Exactly. You want a map? Yeah. It's in Manhattan. It's like uptown-ish. Very cool.

Yes. It's in, yeah. It's in Kansas City. I would get a job just fucking cleaning that office if it meant that I can get out of this podcast shit. What, man? Everybody has a fucking podcast. If I can tell my mom that I work for TV,

that would be really cool. Well, you wouldn't work for TV. You'd be a janitor. You'd probably have to work for the building. Whatever. But benefits, too? Do you get full benefits? Do I get health insurance or something like that?

Not necessarily the custodian, though. Oh, do you get them if you got a job there? There's one question that you're asking Pat, and then there's other questions about the job that you had a quick life to want, which was cleaning the building. Not even your floor. It would be an honor just to be in the same building as where they shoot. Where do you shoot? Is it 30 Rock?

Same right across the street. The studio across the street. Oh, got it. Cool. Awesome. Yeah, it's pretty sweet. And why do you think you deserve to win the Emmy over, let's say, the writing staff of The Daily Show or Colbert Report? Well, those two shows I don't think are nominated.

Wow, them's fighting words. Colbert Report's not even nominated. Oh, scathing. Or instigating. Starting to fight. All right. I mean, I'll fucking be a part of it, but I'm not touching this shit with a 10-foot pole. I'll be a part of it, but I'm not touching it. Dot at Pat Castle's quotation marks. I want all the buzz, but none of the feed.

All right. Do you want to answer some more questions here? Yeah. As long as they're junior related. A lot of them will or will not be junior related. I'm trying to find one from a lady. Oh, here we go. Okay.

I got a lady. Do you have a lady's name? Oh, no. Merck. Merck. Angela Merkel. Angela Merkel. Hey, guys.

I just moved into college, and I'm having a blast and a half. I live with three other girls, and we get along so well. We're all majoring in hospitality, so everyone is so nice around here. However, this niceness has led to some interesting social situations. Thoughts? Let me keep reading. Two of my roomies are drop-dead gorgeous. I'm not asking for a confidence boost.

I know myself pretty well, and I'm okay with who I am, but I'm just average-looking, and I rarely get the male attention in public. I make friends easily, and I love to talk to people, so meeting people isn't the issue. I often go out with my roommates, and I find that they are constantly being showered with male attention, and I'm taking every time, I'm talking every time

we go out and they are asked for their numbers multiple times. I'm a little jealous, but only a little. I'm comfortable with my social standing,

but I'm unaware of how to act. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Oh, are you reading about a couple of girls and you hit puberty, dude? No. Your guts finally

dropped, Blumenfeld? No, I have... The doo-doo thing I said is not a thing anymore, right? I have throat cancer. Jesus. I'm sorry.

It shouldn't affect how deep your voice is. Pussy. I'm really sorry to hear that. You little 12-year-old girl. I didn't know little girls got throat cancer like that.

You little fucking pussy. Do your parents know? That you're a fucking pussy. Did it hurt when you fell from pussy? I'm a little... I'm comfortable with my social standing, but I'm unsure of how to act when they are always meeting guys when we go out.

I feel as though I have very little to contribute to our conversations now, and it's embarrassing when we are approached by two guys, and they are clearly the targets. How can I best handle these situations when we go out? What can I say or do to make it seem like I'm more on their level? I don't want to find a mate, obviously, but it's getting annoying, and I absolutely love these girls. Thanks, Love, Merc. Why is it obvious that she's not trying to find a mate, obviously, but it's getting annoying, and I absolutely love these girls. Thanks. Love, Merc. Why is it obvious that she's not trying to find a mate?

I don't know. Maybe she's trying to play it cool. Like, I don't need to hook up with any guys, but it's a little uncomfortable. Well, there's like the standard, hey, everybody's attractive. There's no subjective. You can be hot to somebody, but not to somebody else. That being said, these girls sound like absolute dimes, and this chick is a six.

Oh, my God, smoke shows. This chick is a fucking five or a six. I'm sorry, sweetheart, but it's not going to happen. That's not her question. What? This is the last thing she asks. Do you ever feel this way? Do you ever hang out with hot guys, or is it different with guys and girls? This is the last thing she asked. Do you ever feel this way?

Do you ever hang out with hot guys? Or is it different with guys and girls? For you two, you guys hang out together, so you need to answer this question carefully. I've been in situations where the guys I'm with are like... Like those hot guys in Austin? Or New Orleans, was it? Where the crew team from Dartmouth or Yale or something?

Yeah, yeah. They're like six foot five. Yeah, yeah. That was was one night we didn't hang out with them for a lot yeah like i think i've been in situations like that but not necessarily to the point where i needed to like get used to it or like find some kind of protocol right okay when the girls come over i'll just be on my phone or something i feel like it's better to be with people more attractive than you in a way because i just like being around like it's hard to break the ice so like being around these types of magnets that attracts people of any gender uh it's more beneficial to me because i can stand back join the conversation not join the conversation i can be the interesting guy that's not necessarily like super super hot but maybe i'm somebody's cup of tea maybe like this lady

she's not uh she calls herself i don't know she's pretty uh but not i don't know what she calls her friends uh gorgeous gorgeous um maybe there's you know a way to take advantage of her gorgeous friends because when guys come over she can you, you know, break the ice that way. Yeah, it sounds like the real issue is just, like, groups of two guys approaching them and just talking to the two girls. Right. Which I feel like, like, when that happens, that just kind of sucks. So what do you do? You just have to...

Be polite, be happy, not make it noticeably get to you. Yeah. And then for the most part, you could maybe be a little more proactive with your friends. Like if there's a group of guys where like some are cute and like, you know, there's more than two. Right. Then you could be like, hey, let's go try to talk to those guys or something. Especially if you already like these girls. I mean, she likes these girls.

She likes hanging out with them. Yeah, they're all hospitality majors. Yeah. So they should know about how to be hospitable. Yeah. I think what you guys are saying sounds right on. I think I feel like when I travel, I kind of feel like it's been a while

since I've gone out with a group of bros looking for girls. So I feel like I'm kind of feel like it's been a while since I've gone out with a group of bros looking for girls. So I feel like I'm kind of rusty at this. But when I have, I was probably this person. Which person? The girl writing the email. So people would approach and you'd be sort of hanging back. Yeah.

I think you just kind of assume that you have something to offer that the other attractive people don't. And sometimes you're right. Yeah. And sometimes you're wrong. Everybody is great at some things. Like everybody has this thing that puts them in like the 99th percentile of something. Just kind of own who you are. Like kind of develop your own style.

You know, like be the best you you can be. Right. And then, yeah, that way. What if she's goth? What? Just go really, really goth. Go dark with or vamp what that's oh yeah vamp goth so like fangs whether it be fake or you file fangs and a cape oh that's really tight it's called peacocking yeah backwards kangle hat the samuel l jackson from 2003 look yeah i do uh i don't know it is a little bit of a sticky situation but not the worst situation yeah it sounds like it's just something that is gonna

suck sometimes and be like annoying uh but i bet you're like who knows if her friends are like super into getting hit on all the time and by groups two. Right. Like, maybe just talk to them. Be like, hey, how do you feel when that happens? And if they're like, we like it, then you have to adjust to that. Or if they're like, no, we'd rather just hang out with you and not get hit on, then maybe you can help shield them from douchebags. The douche shield. But that's not, like, necessarily a job that this girl applied for

or should have to have as the non-hottest group or girl in the group. She would have to apply and she'd have to get in. And it's a pretty competitive job, actually. I apply for it all the time just to get to hang around with hot chicks. It's hard to be a deuce shield when you're a guy. When you're the deuce. I'm the deuce shielding myself for myself. So I don't know what to say. Go goth. Go goth or go home. you're the dude I'm the dude shielding myself from myself so

I don't know what to say go goth go goth or go home or you know take the good with the bad sometimes it's gonna suck

sometimes it's gonna be good the important thing is that you guys are friends and it doesn't it doesn't all this other stuff like when you guys go out with me

like all the girls are hitting on me and you guys are so cool about that which I like which is you know nice that's true

I think you just gotta angle towards bigger groups so it's not two and one all the girls are hitting on me, and you guys are so cool about that, which I like, which is, you know, nice. That's true. Yeah. I think you just got to angle towards bigger groups. Oh, so it's not two and one. Yeah, so, like, if it's the three of you guys, then you should be talking to groups of, like, four dudes. Yeah. So one of the dudes feels uncomfortable and left out. Right. And everybody has their advantages and disadvantages within the group.

Yeah. If you guys make a rule, it's like, hey, if only two guys come up, then, like, fuck them, you know? Yeah. Can you make, can you do that? Can you, like, do you make rules with, I's like, hey, if only two guys come up, then fuck them. Can you do that? Do you make rules? I feel like putting rules on it seems so sterile. I don't know what girls have to do because they get hit on all the time. As a dude, I don't have any rule.

Right, right. There's no rule there. Because dudes rule. Cats drool. Okay. Can we answer one more question right quick before Pat has to go? Yeah. We need one last guy's name. Sorry, girl's name.

Girk. Yeah. That was really good, dude. Thanks, man. Girk writes, every year for my birthday, I rent a cabin for me and some of my friends and my family to stay in for a long weekend. This year, my best friend added a chihuahua to her family of five cats

and was afraid to leave it alone for the weekend. I assumed a dog is a dog and offered to let her bring it along to ease her anxiety. She was pumped about it and even bought a life jacket for it so we could bring him tubing with us. Terrible idea.

All the dog wanted to do is sleep on the couch, so she refused to leave the cabin the entire time since she didn't want to leave the dog alone. We all drank by the fire while she sat indoors pouting that no one wanted to stay indoors with her. She had to bring it when we went shopping into town, so we were limited as to what bars we can go to and what places we could eat at. There was a small petting zoo type place we all wanted to go to and she sat outside and waited for two hours because she didn't want to stay in the cabin by herself.

She made everyone miserable, including herself. Now we are home and she is buying all these things like clothing and a stroller for it. She recently told me that she can't come out of my house come to my house hardly at all anymore because she wouldn't be able to bring the dog so when we hang out it has to be in her place.

Should I talk to her about being so obsessed with the dog? Am I overreacting? She's super sensitive and obviously a bit crazy. What would you do if you were me? Help. This question is exactly like the last question. How so? Because I wasn't paying attention to either.

I was going to say that regardless. Do you actually see similarities, or are you saying they're completely different? No, I was joking. Only in the broadest possible sense. They're both quandaries. Yeah, they're both dilemmas, moral or otherwise. They're both things. It is funny and sad to talk about.

One is about a dog, the other was written by a dog. Thank you. Whoa, dude. Sorry, sorry, sorry. You just got stronger as you said that. You're buff for that. I'm a douche now. It is funny to have a sit-down conversation telling someone their dog is ruining

their lives as they're holding a mini life vest for a chihuahua in a tiny little stroller. The dog's right there staring at you the whole time. What did she mean, like, the chihuahua only wanted to lie on the couch? Like, the child, like, it just didn't want to go anywhere

or do anything? I guess. Were they asking it? Oh, the dog was being a real diva, because you know how chihuahuas can get. I, gosh, I almost wanted, like, it's a two,

it's not really a two-part question, but the cabin thing and the, it's like, the dog ruined the vacation and now it's i guess ruining her the rest of her life at large yeah i think you have to sit down and be like hey listen i don't want to be friends with you if you're crazy obsessed with a chihuahua do they live together the dog and the lady do but not the lady and the friend i don't know then like it's then how how how i guess it's what she just said, how bad it is. It's one thing to be like, we're not going to invite the dog on the next vacation because it was really shitty.

Like, that's, one thing is like the dog coming and ruining a group experience. The other is just like, this guy doesn't like the dog. So do you really break up with a friend because you don't like your friend's dog? It's a girl that doesn't like the dog. But yeah. So? Maybe you don't break up with a friend explicitly. You just be like, all right, fine, then I just won't come over.

I'll invite you to stuff, and then it's on you if you should want to come. Yeah. And then it's like, if you choose the dog over me, then you've chosen a dog over a human. I say, yeah, you don't have to have a sit-down conversation and be like, you're obsessed with the dog. It's ruining our friendship. But I think if you continue just being yourself, invite your friend to fun activities and like just watch her cancel, cancel, cancel, not be able to go because of the dog, you can finally start chipping away and be like, geez, you can make smaller sides. So the dog who's currently in a life vest and a stroller, which doesn't really make sense. You can't come inside of this trampoline sky zone

because the dog won't feel comfortable there. Are you sure you want to have a dog? It feels like it's really limiting. But I guess maybe frame it like that. This dog, make sure it's actually ruining your friend's experience and make sure that she's actually upset because otherwise it's just you being upset. Yeah, I like the idea of the dog being like this,

this sassy new friend that's doing it on purpose. Yeah. Oh, I can't possibly go kayaking today. I'm feeling under the weather. Are you really going to leave me and hang out with your other friends? What accent is that? He's sort of Italian. Are to leave me and hang out with your other friends? What accent is that? He's sort of Italian.

Are you really going to hang out with your other friends? Yo quiero spend time with you. So it's an Italian Taco Bell dog. That's right. It's an Italian Taco Bell dog. The Taco Bell dog jumped Taco Bell and went to the Olive Garden. Verizon guy style. Which brings us back to the Sprint Spokesperson.

I mean, this guy is a modern day Benedict Arnold. I think also it's you should, yeah, I think not giving her like an ultimatum right away is like being a little, a bit sensitive because people really love their dogs. I happen to not have a dog, but you know, like if the dog is bringing her, giving purpose to her life or giving her joy, you don't want to like force her to stop doing that either. Right. So I think, yeah, just like it's on her sort of. Be extra aware if your friend is actually miserable.

If you're not dating the person or married to the person or living with the person, yeah, I don't think you can like kind of be too upset about it. But if it was very clear that a dog was making my friend miserable, I think I might say something, not like you should get rid of the dog. I think I would say like, you know, if you ever wanted to give the dog up, none of us would judge you. If you were to lose the dog, you would all be better than okay.

Maybe don't bring the LifeVest next time. We'll try that kayaking thing. We talked about this on the podcast before, but our movie idea of a pet assassin. Oh, yeah. All dogs go to Kevin. Uh-huh. So it's a guy named Kevin who kills dogs and makes it look like an accident whenever it's convenient for the friends.

This is the job for Kevin. Yeah. Or like a boyfriend or girlfriend who hates their partner's pet. Right, exactly. A pet murderer. It's like Ace Ventura, but the dark version of that. It's Ace Ventura's nemesis. The cable guy meets Ace Ventura.

That was our first movie that we legit pitched our agents, by the way, too. And they loved it. Was it called All Dogs Go to Kevin? Yes. It's starring Kevin Hart. And Kevin Arnold. That's right, the fictional character from Wonder Years. And Kevin Hart Hart the biggest comedian

in America team up to kill animals together thoughts Kevin James is also in it he's attached but just executive produced I'm gonna soft pass

okay can I soft pass you can most places have yeah alright cool thanks to you guys for writing

and thanks to Pat for coming on the show again thanks for having me. If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions, the email for everything is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Opening theme song, again,

was written by Mitchell, the Pixies cover. We all loved it. This closing one was written by Claire, whose Instagram is C-L-U-R-R-F-L-E-U-R. You think she'll get any Instagram followers? I sure don't. Let's prove Jake right.

So thanks, Claire. Thanks, Mitchell. Thanks, Pat. Thanks to you guys for listening. Pat, do you have anything that you want to promote? Sorry, we are out of time, but we will talk to you next week. I'm a charity auction. Huh?

No, full frontal. Mondays at 10.30 on TBS. Only. New episode September 12th. On TBS. Oh 30 on tbs episode september 12th on tbs uh we'll try oh maybe this will come out september 12th so you can watch it tonight oh yeah please how's that for center stop listening to this podcast right now well it might be the morning because it's still uh all right cool we'll be back next week later guys If I were you. Now keep in mind this might be true. I think I'd be a little less of a dick.

Yeah, that's the trick. So email us. We'll field your questions as we please. And don't forget, every day to seize the cheese.