Segments - 234: Bar Mitzvah Kiss

Episode Date: September 19, 2016

In this episode we discuss pride, fax machines, and ghosting's ugly cousin: Benching. This episode is brought to you by MeUndies, BlueApron, and NatureBox! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. If I Were You Would you run If I asked a question Would you try To give me advice

Would you laugh If I had a problem Would you seize the cheese tonight Would you be my hero, Jakey With your best friend, Amir. Would the Game Boy choose my question? If I were you, stats here. Enrique in the house

Very, very nice That was created for us by Tommy Tommy? Tommy Iglesias? I don't think Tommy Iglesias But it was an Enrique Hero theme song cover Oh, Tommy Doughty

D-O-U-G-H-T-Y. Thanks, Tommy Doughty, for making that song. God, what a day. Friday afternoon. You know, there was like a scientific study about the most exciting time of the week. Is it Friday afternoon? I think it was like Friday, like at 7.15 or something p.m. Yeah, because I'm a little tired right now, but I think at 7.15 I'm going to be lit. Yeah, that's like when the excitement isn't at an all-time high, you know that Friday night's coming, Saturday's even on the horizon,

so you don't even have to, even if tonight fails. Friday night's like a celebration of Saturday night. Yeah, because Saturday's the real night. Of course, the ultimate night would be Sunday night. Oh, fun day. Oh yeah, Sunday fun day. Game over, because the best thing about Sunday night is the fact that it's exactly 24 hours away from the greatest night of all.

Monday. Monday night. Dun, dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun, dun. And twins. I love it. Tuesday night would be, if I had to choose one night of the week, would be my favorite night. Tuesday.

You know why? I love Tuesday the most. Going up on a Tuesday. You know why? Why? Because Tuesday just gets me wet for the favorite night. Tuesday. You know why? I love Tuesday the most. Going up on a Tuesday. You know why? Why? Because Tuesday just gets me wet for the ultimate night. Absolutely soppy.

Wacky, wacky, wacky Wednesday. That's when we kill ourselves. Yeah. What about Thursday? That's the worst day. Suicide Thursday? You can go to hell. Thursday is the new Sunday, and we all know Sunday is the fifth worst day, not including Saturday. Ohicide Thursday. You can go to hell. Thursday is the new Sunday. And we all know

Sunday is the fifth worst day, not including Saturday. Oh, yeah. Saturday is the best, though. Yeah, I love it. You know why Saturday is so good? Because it's close to Tuesday. Wrong. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet that also tackles the issue, the hard hitting issue of ranking days. I'm Amir. I'm Jakey. What's that? Jake, I was going to say Joshua, and then I sort of got scared.

It sounded like you had a French name that you don't know how to pronounce. Jakey. I am Jack-wick-way. Jock. Yeah, like your name is Jock, but you're an American who can't quite pronounce it correctly. Jock? Jock.

I'm enjoying a Pomplamoosemousse la croix oh is that a are you side sponsored by them is that why you bring them up so specifically uh no but i do i would love more pamplemousse uh la croix okay that sounds great you're hoping someone from la croix is listening and sends you some amazing how i really really just wanted to say pomplamoose. I see. Does pomplamoose mean grapefruit? Yes. Oh, it does. Yes. That's why they say that. So every other flavor, the English word for it, grapefruit, they have the French name for it. Pomplamoose. And then in parentheses underneath it or something? It says grapefruit. Got it. I also believe I've seen grapefruit LaCroix.

So they make two versions of it, one called Grapefruit, one called Pomplamoose. It's like the subtle difference between Jockway and Jake. Jockway. Yeah. And Joik.

So how does this show work? Do you have any idea? Yeah. We get emails from people who are in sticky situations. Or faxes. Or faxes. Yep.

Or faxes. We do have fax machine. The number for that is 917-555-5555-5555-5555-5555. And we do our best to advise them out of it as expert Jew boys. That's right. We are expert Jew boys. That fax number again is 917-555-5555-5555-5555-5555. Oh, we're getting one. It is a swastika. Of course. Absolutely, that makes sense. They mean well. They don't.

That's why they sent that. They mean poor. They mean poor. They mean bad. You know what this means? It means not welcome. What'd you say? Ill will.

Yeah. So this email is from a real human with a guy's name. But we don't want to say the guy's name. We don't want to out him. No-siree-Bob. That's his name? Very cool name. No-siree-Bob writes, I like this email. It really tells a story. Close your eyes whether

you're driving or not. Pay attention. Ready? No-siree-Bob writes, I'm an 18-year-old from England, and this year I went on my first lads holiday with six other friends to Ibiza Ibiza I took a pill in Ibiza As I'm sure you can imagine it was a week of absolute Carnage to say the least Combining dancing, drinking

And Girls This is where a slight moral dilemma comes into play Now don't get me wrong I'm an okay looking dude However on one of my final days I got with a girl who was honestly a perfect woman. I'm talking a 10 out of 10 smoke show. Now, as I mentioned, I'm 18 and this chick was a 28 year old nurse. So obviously spending my whole night making out with this girl, I was proud to say the least. But then as we were talking, things began to take a turn.

Suddenly she started talking about herself. And I found out she not only has a six-year-old child, she's, uh, she also has a fiance of seven years. Oh shit. As I'm a disgraced human, uh, this didn't stop me. And if anything, it turned me on a little bit more. Uh, in the end, we never went back to her hotel or anything. And then as it was my last night, that was the end of it all. She added herself on my Facebook during the night, but I know obviously I definitely should not message her. However, would you still say I've done something wrong? Am I a bad person? Because in all honesty, I'm sort of proud of my achievement. I know that makes me sound like a douche male But I may as well be honest with you guys

I know we didn't have sex So it's probably not quite as edgy as it would have been If we'd gone the whole way However, I do sort of feel there's a moral implication here Love the show And really hope a season 2 of Lonely and Horny Is just around the corner Much love, Nosery Bob

Praise Nosery Nosery Bob wants to know if he should be proud or ashamed permission to feel honored sir i don't want i want to be proud of me i think i hooked up with a 28 year old diamond i'm sort of ashamed but i want to feel a swell rising in my heart and i don't know if i'm allowed to feel it i need the green light the green light to let these emotions come over me. Is it a douche to be proud of me? Proud means happy for someone else. I don't think it means for someone else.

Like I have pride in something. Otherwise isn't it just happiness? You can be proud of yourself. Proud of yourself for what? When you ran your marathon were you proud of yourself? I guess I was just happy in general. I don't think pride means that it's not allowed to be for you. To me, when you, I think we were talking about pride in a couple episodes ago.

And like, what makes pride so interesting and a sort of genuinely nice emotion is the fact that you're feeling this joy for something that you didn't necessarily do. You feel it for somebody else. He wants to feel pride in him. Yeah, but you can feel pride for yourself. That's not illegal. Would you feel proud for doing this? Yeah. Yeah, I would feel proud. I think that you could have two emotions. Okay. You could feel proud that you hooked up with somebody that was really really hot and you could also feel a little a little

skeezed out by yourself that it was under uh you know some shady circumstances this guy is half bragging to us half saying oh i feel like a douchebag yeah but he also liked the fact that she had a fiance oh yeah that got him off i think you could be proud about something like a hookup in ibiza with with somebody that like had a fiance i think that's cool i think it's not cool if he was like proud of continuing this and destroying the marriage and so you're saying because they didn't sleep with he didn't sleep with her it's not that big of a deal and he can be fully proud i'm i'm gonna give you the green light on feeling fully proud of what you did okay i'm gonna say let's stop short of pride let's reserve pride for something

a little bit uh less sticky like uh hooking up with someone that isn't engaged to be married to somebody. Yeah. So you're allowed to feel happy, but not proud. Yeah. Proud. Let's save proud for like, it's like charitable. You can't feel like, it's not 100% genuine pride because at the end of the day, there's an angry fiance involved. I can't walk my, I'm not going to walk my answer back, but I do think you are right. Oh, okay. So you're going on record as saying what you said, you said, but you're wrong about it. Yeah. I think you probably nailed it a little bit better. Oh, that's okay. That's nice to hear. So this guy-

So you could feel proud of yourself for that. I'm proud of you for admitting it. And I'm proud of you and I'm proud of myself for being somebody that someone else is proud of what kind of what kind of sociopath is like can i feel this pride have you ever heard like people described like that he was a proud man yeah like what did he do why was he proud in general i'm just loud and proud about it about what i don't know i'm just proud hi are you very proud i would describe myself as having excessive pride yeah i can't stress how proud i am zealousness of pride for myself inside uh his email pride inside would you abide by my pride his email is

titled 98 proud two, 2% shame. That sounds, you could go a little heavier on the shame. Where would you put that knob? 80. 80 pride? I don't like to dip below 80 on the pride. 20% shame. I think that's me all the time, by the way.

80% proud? 20% ashamed. Ashamed. Yeah. That's a good balance for your your life and if they had sex 50 50 80 20 baby same way oh yeah folks uh i would say making out with someone who's engaged is 25 proud 75 shame oh but she was so hot oh Ooh, I didn't think about it that way. And it was also in Ibiza.

Yeah, and there are sort of no rules in Ibiza. I think there really aren't. I've never been, but I would love to go. It seems like Ibiza is Vegas times six without the casinos or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Vegas meets Miami meets Shangri-La meets La La Land meets Raven's Nest. Meets take a pill in Ibiza. I'd like to take a chill pill in Ibiza.

Ooh, that's a cool... Yeah, a NyQuil. If we were still working at College Humor, that's a pitch that would have not been greenlit, but we would have made it. What was it? I took NyQuil in Ibiza. Oh, yeah.

To show Avicii I had a cold. It's about a guy who goes to Ibiza to party but gets sick. That would be really sad to have a cold in Ibiza. Yeah. Just like, it doesn't prevent you from going out at the same time like you're sneezing. Yeah, you can't exactly jump. I mean, how do you sneeze? Imagine having a cold at a club.

That's how I felt like when we were on tour. Remember the last night we were on our show? This past one in London. I was on the cusp of getting sick, and I was obsessed with just staving it off. Just so sad. Just until the next day. Just like a sweaty dance room. Everyone's fucking grinding up against each other, and you have to sneeze.

Yeah, your nose is running. Sorry, I shouldn't have this shot. I have a sore throat I really need to get rest Avicii I want you to think I'm cool Avicii so you can feel some level of pride some level of shame

Jake says 80 20 I say 25 75 let us know fax us at 917-555-5555-5555. Here's another question. If that first one was from NoSiriBob. This one's from NoWayJose. I like that. Did you already have that planned?

I had it planned, and I got the next one now. NoSiri Bob wrote, yes, no way, Jose, states, hey, you coy herbs, I'm flying back to my hometown for my cousin's bat mitzvah. I just found out that this girl I knew from back when I lived there

will be at the party. I'm leaving the day after the party. How do I hook up slash make out with her at the party? Did we just go outside the building? How do I hook up slash make out with her at the party? Did we just go outside the building? How do I convince her to do so? Please help me without me pressing the issue, you guys. You're not going to hook up with anybody at this party. You don't think he can hook up? I apologize. You think no way, Jose? I think no way Jose is going to get it. No way. I mean, you asked first, do you just go outside?

And then you asked, how do I convince her? Yeah. I think number one is getting her to want to hook up with you. Number two is finding the place. Don't make the plan before the other person agrees to the plan. I never hooked up at a bar about Mitzvah. I must have been to, let's say, four a week for two years. Wow.

400. A couple firsts at the bar mitzvahs. First kiss, my bar mitzvah. Really? Your bar mitzvah is the first kiss? And then I became a man. First kiss, my bar mitzvah. Was it a makeout?

Was it a French? It was a full, it was a makeout. It was a French kiss. During what part of the bar mitzvah? It was right after my haftorah. Oh my God. The rabbi leaned down. he used the fucking yod he stroked your hair with the fucking yod cinnamon toast and mazel tost cinnamon toast and mazel tost cinnamon toast and mazel tost just the room spinning around me getting dipped by a 48-year-old rabbi. Cantor fucking shooting the whole thing for World Star Hip Hop.

A single tear in my father's eye. This is insane. Many more in my own. It was, where was it? It was in the ballroom. Nice. We had a- What was your bar mitzvah?

Was it ceremony during the day, party at night? It was, yeah, ceremony in the morning, and then a lunch for the adults. Oh, you got to have the lunch and the cold cuts? Yeah, there was cold cuts, chicken fingers for the kids. Bagels, shmir. I don't know if it was that Jewish. I think it was catered from a country club. Classic.

Yeah, it was pretty white. Yeah, egg salad, finger sandwiches. I don't think so. I think it was... You nailed it with cold cuts, and now you're over- Fruit punch bowl, lemonade. What are we talking about for drinks there was beer omelet bar no omelet bar okay carry on this is so early in the story it's the story of my first kiss a fucking omelet bar and a fruit punch bowl it was lunch there was a spread. Can I move on, sir? You're crying again.

So then there was a night party afterwards for the kids. Oh, yeah. That's what's up. Punch there, lemonade, pink, white, yellow. I still remember the outfit that I wore. Khaki shorts, black Adidas shirt. Khaki shorts during your bar mitzvah party at night? It might have been khaki pants, but I'm pretty sure. I know it was khakis, and it was a black Adidas shirt with the three stripes down either shoulder.

It sounds like you were going to soccer practice. Khaki shorts and an Adidas shirt? It was very chill. What kind of, this, I know this is a bar mitzvah after all, but let's show some class. It was, yeah, not a formal affair. It didn't sound like it. It was a cool outfit. Was it daytime out or nighttime?

Nighttime. Started at 7, went till 10. And this was a late summer party. It was like 9 to, it wasn't until midnight. Anyway. Do you remember the date? What's that? The date of your bar mitzvah.

Oh, I think it was June 12th, 1998. Interesting. I think that was it. Why so early in relation to your birthday? I think because I was the oldest kid in my Hebrew school. So my bar mitzvah technically would have been the next summer or something. And they didn't want to wait. Yeah.

Maybe that was it. Sure. Whatever. Anyway, I went downstairs with my date uh and she you had a date to your bar mitzvah it was like my date but it was like the girl that i it was like you asked someone out like a prom to your own bar mitzvah i had met her at another bar mitzvah whoa and we invited her to your bar mitzvah and she didn't even go to your school she lived in rhode island she was like my friend's cousin what the fuck how did she get an invite she well was like my friend's cousin. What the fuck? How did she get an invite?

She, well, she was my friend's cousin. So she was at his bar mitzvah. And we like liked each other at that thing. And she gave me her number. And then we would talk. Her number at age 13? Yeah. Then we would like talk on the phone.

Like her home phone number. Yeah. Then we talked on the phone every single night for like a month or two. Which is like long distance back then. Yeah. You have to call long distance. Leading to my bar mitzvah. Wow. And then she came to my bar mitzvah and it was just like understood that we were going

to kiss. And the crazy thing is I had like a bunch of my friends had like given me bar mitzvah presents and all of them had like cash in the envelopes. So I was like, I had some cash on me. Where the fuck is this going? But she took it. Tread lightly. You're talking about a 13-year-old debutante.

She was older than me. She was 28. So she took $10 and she put it in her bra. Holy shit. And she told me that I had to go get it. Oh, my God. But I was too afraid. Oh.

And I never did. You keep the cash? I am scared and sweaty. Yeah, but we kissed. We made out twice. That's amazing. She just took the 10 bucks? Yeah, she kept it as a...

A kissing fee? I guess so. Have you ever seen that lady again? I saw her again that summer, but never since then. Uh-oh, the summer nights. I wonder if she's on Facebook. Oh, yeah. I wonder if she's married right now. I wonder if she's on Facebook. Oh, yeah. I wonder if she's married right now. I wonder if she's a 28-year-old nurse.

Oh, she's dead. Awesome. Oh, she's dead the next day. Wow. I wonder if I can get that tenor back, that Hamilton from her parents. With interest. So, oh, that's all to say that I hooked up during a bar mitzvah. Have you? No, because when I was 13, I didn't kiss anybody.

And then, like, since then, I've only been to, like, three or four bar mitzvahs, and? No, because when I was 13, I didn't kiss anybody. And since then, I've only been to like three or four bar mitzvahs. And I guess I never met somebody there. Weddings are the new bar mitzvahs. I don't know if I've ever hooked up with somebody at a wedding. Enough about me. How do I convince her to do so? I guess you cannot convince someone to do so.

Yeah. And if you write an email saying, how can I convince her to do so? We don't like your natural chances. Please help me. All you can do is be cool around somebody. Yeah. Do you press? What's your game?

Do you make it overt? Do you act cool? Do you act too cool? And sometimes that gets away from you. I don't think you ever want to act too cool. But at the same time, you don't want to act too forward. Oh, no. You don't want to be forward at all.

So what do you do? You sort of, I like to hover and see if I stay in their orbit, if I attract them a little bit. Yeah, I think that's, well, that's Mikey anyway, trying really hard in their presence, but not directly at them. Oh, I see. So in a perfect world, you're making someone else laugh near them. Or making a group of people including them laugh basically i like to create an atmosphere in which i seem like a really fun popular great person to be around who's entertaining like a small group of people you're juggling you're doing a magic trick you got a yo-yo going basically you become famous at that party like Like, oh, wow, this is the most magnetic guy here. Yeah, you want to be a man about town. And then you zero in.

And once someone values your time, when somebody is like, I am caught up in what this person is doing and I have nothing to do with it, then all of a sudden that's zeroed in, focused right on you. Yeah. It's an exciting thing because you're like, oh, wow, now I'm talking to the person who I watched from afar. Oh, that's good.

And he's showing a genuine, earnest interest in me. And now he's pulling me into his orbit, and we're going to take over this party together. That means I'm as cool as I think he is. Right. And now he's elevated me, and I have somehow actually elevated him. I didn't know I had it in me. And then all of a sudden, you're swirling around the dance floor, and you're having a great gay old time. Oh, you're having a gay time. Yeah. And then you're sipping drinks and then all of a sudden- Fruit punch, pink lemonade. What are we

talking about? Club soda, seltzer. Is there an egg salad bar? Yes, there is. You lean in to kiss her. As soon as you get close to her mouth, you sort of take a little U-turn to her ear and whisper, Is there an egg salad bar? I think if you're worried about where to go to hook up, then you're not really ready to hook up. Yeah, you got to act cool. Yeah, once the hooking up is inevitable, you'll find a way to make it happen. But try not to plan so far ahead because you are definitely letting yourself up to be let down. Zero expectations. That's the key. Act like you are never going to hook up, but it's

not that important to you. And then usually it'll be a little easier to make happen. I like that. Next question. But before we get into the next question, I just wanted to say that we have another sponsor for this episode. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm

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Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. What was I saying about the question that we had to answer? Well, real quick, I found my first kiss on Facebook. Who? Well, I don't want to say her name because she doesn't feel like being fucking famous.

Oh, dude. Anyway. Let's not make her famous. Wait, you found her? Yeah. The Rhode Island girl? Yeah. She still lives in Rhode Island.

She has a child. What does she look like? Oh, she's with child? She was with child, and I guess now she's with the child sometimes, but he seems old enough to be in school. Really? Can I see?

Oh, she's still very pretty. She is pretty. Where's your kid? There's a... Oh, yeah, here he is. She is pretty. There's your kid. Oh, yeah, here he is. That could have been your little boy. Yeah. If you would have not let her go after that fateful summer, that could have been your son.

That would have been, well, he's a Red Sox fan, so you know what? No kid of mine. Oh, I don't think so. Do you think she remembers you? Yeah, I bet she does. Oh, really? I'd be surprised. Worth a Facebook friend request? I don't think so. Is so is that i guess i probably wasn't her first kiss is that nuts would that be crazy no uh all right we need a guy's name oh wait i don't think so joe

well no that was your third one yeah you went from no siree bob no way jose i don't think so joe is that a real one is that a real thing people say uh yeah it might be i was so into the second one because it was a thing and then you're like i got a third one and my expectations were so high oh yeah i mean i don't think so what about say it ain Ain't Joe? Oh, Say It Ain't So Joe? Say It Ain't Joe So? So Joe? All right. Say It Ain't So Joe writes, Me and this dime of a girl, our listeners have been hanging out with dimes recently. That's pretty awesome to hear. All right. Me and this dime of a girl have been flirting for the better part of a year now,

and for one reason or another, haven't gotten around to sealing the deal. Just last month, she told me she wants to be together, but seeing as we're both off to uni soon, she said it wasn't worth it, only to start messaging me and being flirtatious again. Since then, the conversation has been extremely sparse with us talking for a bit and then her often not replying, only for her to strike up the conversation a few days later. Can you guys give me some insight as to what may be going on with this girl? Should I proceed to seize the abstract cheese? Thanks in advance.

Love the show. Say it in. So, Joe. So, his, wait, his girlfriend? No, a flirtation partner. She sometimes disappears and disinterested, and then sometimes she comes back and starts being flirtatious again

Silence for a little bit And then she strikes up the conversation a few days later He's confused, how can he seize the cheese? What can he make of this abstract nonsense? I can put a name on it Which is? Benching Oh, it's a name that you didn't create

He's been benched Which is an article we read Which is like Ghost we read. Yeah. Which was like, ghosting's ugly cousin. Yeah. So ghosting is when you disappear. A redheaded stepchild of ghosting, which I think is, this is even more evil.

Benching is more evil than ghosting. Yeah, because ghosting is confusing and annoying, but it, There's a finality to it. But you do get it. Yeah. You get it.

Yeah. And this, Is this, is what? This, this is, this is a mystery because she's staying in contact. Yeah. Why, if she's not interested, why is she reaching out every couple of days? Because people are like, oh, it's like.

So what is the idea of benching? The bench, the idea of benching is you're not, you're not eliminating this person as an option. You're keeping them. Literally, you're keeping them on the bench. They're warm in the bench in case they need to get called out into the game. I should say that we didn't create the word benching. It's a New York Magazine article by Jason Chen. Yes.

So if you want to read all about it, do that. But the premise is that. Is he the person that created benching? He's the one who named it benching. Got it. So, yeah, you check in. You're you're like hey how was your weekend hey happy fourth of july and like that person still feels like there's a chance like there's an inkling you're in their life but anytime you say let's get a drink this week it's no i'm too busy not

this weekend but then they'll check in and they'll be like yeah you doing anything fun all right yeah we'll cut like you never see the person it's bursts of micro joy that mean less than actual joy. Have you ever been benched or benched someone? Yeah, I think so. And I think it's because, one, you avoid the, like, if you ever run into them and you ghosted them, then it's like, oh, that person is bad. Right. Benching is, on the surface, not bad. It's like, oh, I'm still checking in.

We're gradually becoming friends. We'll talk frequently. I'll reach out sometimes. I ain't mad at you. You ain't mad at me. Ha, ha, ha, ha. But the person being benched is kind of getting fucked with because he's like, wait, why is she reaching out?

I'd rather just be like, if you're not interested, don't talk to me at all. Yeah. And if I'm not interested in you, I won't reach out to you at all. I bench people all the time, and it sucks. I think it's the worst thing you can do. But do you bench or do you ghost? Because I can't imagine someone that you've ghosted, you then just text a week later out of the blue saying,

hey, how's it going? I think I ghost a little less than one might think. I do feel too guilty to not respond to a text. Respond is one thing, but reaching out out of the blue. I don't know. I won't do the reaching out part, but I'll always respond. I guess benching is

the person being pursued actually staying more in the game. Yeah, you want to keep them involved. Sometimes, oh, this person who I thought wasn't interested in me suddenly comments on my Facebook post. Right.

Like, oh, so maybe she is interested in me? So is it that person being like, is it them being friendly and not wanting to have the breakup discussion? Or is it them being needy and being like, oh, well, I don't want to like actually date this person,

but I do like attention. So I am going to keep on reaching out. I think on one hand, it's you trying to avoid being the bad guy or bad i am going to keep on reaching out i think on one hand it's you trying to avoid being the bad guy or bad girl so you're still reaching out i'm still friendly to him i'm not being a meanie i'm not a ghoster and then two it's like i gotta keep these because much like real benches i gotta keep my bench players happy because what if my number one string gets hurt i don't want to like walk up to the bench for the first time in three months being like hey remember me i want to be like hey, hey, we've been chatting on Instagram and Facebook and Twitter and it's all good, right?

Now let's hang out. Respect. But to me, man, the world is the bench. This is not a sports metaphor anymore. Okay. What is it? You got your number, your one through three, whatever that you're like, you have in the actual rotation yeah and then benching it's just pointless like if you need to go to the bench then that means you need to go into the real world like there's so you'd rather but it's hard

to like strike up a conversation after three months of silence well you don't have to talk to anybody you already know it's like keeping the the fish alive. But like they, the fish in the ocean live on their own. All you're saying is start talking to strangers. I'm saying you don't need to have the tank. I am saying every once in a while you go out into the middle of the ocean and you go fishing. You want to start picking people up from free agency. The entire world is your options. Yeah.

You need the waiver while you don't need a bench. So if you're not interested in girl A, don't bench her. Just cut her off completely. I don't think people like coming in off the bench. So if you're not interested in girl A, don't bench her. Just cut her off completely. I don't think people like coming in off the bench. I don't think it's an atmosphere of positivity and goodwill. I don't think you're in a good position to keep people on the bench. So this person, would you say, is being benched? That's why this girl is chiming in every couple of days? And you know what, brother? You don't have to sit on the bench. You can walk.

You always can. You dive back into that ocean. That's the hard part. You're in a little tank. So that means if someone is displaying this behavior, you obviously like this girl. She's occasionally reaching out. Are you suggesting not replying when she replies? Yeah, it's a tough thing to do. You have to basically ghost your crush. Very, very tough. Very tough.

You got to have a lot of pride in yourself. Yeah, dude. Being like, you think you can bench me? Well, I'm gone. I cut. You can't fire me. I quit. That's what's up.

Which was technically bad to do in a sports game. Like if someone punched you on the bench, you're like, if I'm not starting, I'm leaving. That means you have a bad attitude. This is not a sports metaphor anymore. This is a fish metaphor. It's all fish. All right. So you are getting, quote, unquote, benched.

So simply put, this person is not interested enough in you right now to go for you at all. So don't give her any credence. Pretend like she broke up with you. Yeah, don't. Yeah, you do not hang around waiting there's nothing attractive about somebody that's doing that and then what if in like three months this person reaches out again and says can we go out then you know what then you could totally do it but there's no reason that you have to like i don't think that person reaches out to you and

says let's let's finally go out if the entire time she was disrespecting you to the point of like you know intentionally never seeing like, you know, intentionally never seeing you. You just were a spineless dude being like, things are good. I miss you. Ha ha ha. Let's get drinks.

Oh, no worries. Ha ha ha. Well, the worst thing to do is good. Ha ha ha. The worst thing you can do is wait for her. Like close your door to other opportunities while you wait.

Yeah. Don't wait, but you just go be chilling. And if she comes back, then that is great. Like you don't have to, that's wait, but you just go be chilling. And if she comes back, then that is great. Like you don't have to, that's like I talked about this before, like passive persistent and persistent persistent. Right.

You'd be passive persistent. You could keep on liking her, but just don't let her know. Yeah. At the very least, do not let her know that you still like her. Next question. First, a next sponsor, I should say. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings.

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Non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months limited time offer see terms at pick six dot draft kings dot com slash right promos there it is thanks draft kings uh all right we got a last question um from oh this is bad because because it's from a lady in life. No can do, man do. Not sue? Oh, yeah. Sue. No can do, sue. Shit. What about our shows in the Midwest?

What about them, dude? There are tickets still available. Oh. Chicago. Yeah. Minneapolis. Detroit. Not in that order.

It's actually going to be Minneapolis, Chicago, then Detroit. Those are Thursday, Friday, Saturday shows. Those are rage shows. Those are party shows. We call those rage shows here. So if you live in the area, please do come down. Tickets are still available. And you can get them at ifireeshow.com or jakeandamir.com.

We do the podcast live. You can be part of it. Yeah, we also drink whiskey together. How's that for fun? That last show will be painful, but we will make it seem like our first. We're going to power through. I'm going to be on that whole entire weekend.

I'll be dead on Sunday. That's when I die. Don't y'all worry. We've actually never even performed in Detroit at all, ever. We've never performed in detroit at all ever performed in detroit nothing ever and we've this will be the first live podcast we did in any midwest cities oh shit yo so make it happen uh and toronto will see you soon as well uh all right are you ready for the last question from no can do sue no can do sue writes's my issue. I lost my vibrator and I have no clue where it is.

Uh-oh. I'm 19 years old and I am living in staff accommodations with two other girls who I just met when I moved here three months ago. Last night, I went out and got a little more than a little drunk. When I got home from the bar, I guess I was feeling a little horny because I got the really strong urge to masturbate. Drunk me remembered that my bunkmate was home sleeping because she had to work in the morning, but my other roommate, who has the whole other room right to herself, is at work because she just switched to the overnight shift. I must have thought it would be a great idea to go into my roommate's room to masturbate, but what I didn't know is how stupid my high and drunk ass would be. Fast forward to tonight, and all of a sudden I start to remember what I had done the previous night and I got this

feeling that I should go to check to make sure that my vibrator was back in the drawer where I always keep it. Sure enough, it's not there. No one is home right now and I have searched the entire place from top to bottom and I can't find it anywhere. Do you think if I left it in my roommate's room? Do you think she would have said something if she found it? What do I do? There's also a guy moving into my roommate's room soon, so I'd really hate it if he found it. Any suggestion

on what to do would be greatly appreciated. Thanks guys. The podcasts are the only things that get me through work. So to-da-to no can do, sue. No can do, sue. Have you ever lost a vibrator? In myself?

Did you check way up there? Way up. I feel vibrating. Never have I ever. I wonder if I've ever, like, lost porn or something. Lube or whatever. You're a sex aid. Yeah.

Not that I can think of. So this woman lost... The worst I can imagine is leaving a condom wrapper. Oh, yeah. That's a sex thing. All these things are kind of embarrassing, but also kind of not. Everybody has this shit. Right.

So it's like the the level of embarrassment you feel when you buy condoms which is like this kind of half fake embarrassment like oh oops you caught me doing something hot which well here's the thing though because it's it's one thing if she like left her vibrator in the bathroom or like she left it in her roommate's bed potentially she so it's not just like it's not like sexy and hot it's a little like you know grotesque yeah like you snuck into my room and masturbated while i was gone right there's that like you that'd be me finding like uh lube and tissues in my bedroom would you be okay with that or would you be grossed out? I would be, if you masturbated in my room, I'd be gross. I mean, I'd be so confused.

I would be like, why did you? Oh, because someone was staying at my house. Then I guess I wouldn't mind that much. See, you wouldn't mind that much. Which is what I'm saying. She can go and ask her friend being like, I'm such an idiot. I needed a place to masturbate and i think i left my vibrator here well i think you can look when your roommate when she's not there and if you

find it and it looks like undisturbed like it fell between the crack in the and between the bed and the wall then great yeah um but then you know there's definitely the chance that your your roommate just found it yeah but then what if you get caught snooping? You're just digging yourself into a bigger and bigger hole. Right now, the hole's like five feet deep. You can still get out. If you get caught spying for your roommate's things and then they come home and see it

or the guy finds it later and it's another level of embarrassment, suddenly you're 10 feet, 12 feet deep. I'm all about minimizing that risk, minimizing the depth of the hole. I think you can wait until the place is empty. There's probably enough opportunity that you can sneak in there again. I mean, you already found a way to sneak in there and masturbate to completion once. There's no way she left it in the roommate's room and the roommate hasn't found it, right?

Maybe. What if she kicked it to the bottom of the bed and the roommate hasn't washed her sheets or something? Yeah, I guess. Or she put it away in her drawer thinking it was her own drawer. Right. You left it in the room.

I've definitely, I've been drunk and like lost things that I thought that I would like remember where they were. Yeah. The next day, half browned out, half grayed out, half,

half, half asleep, half drunk, half awake. Have you ever woken up and be like, did that happen or did I dream that? Yeah, often. Yeah, like, did I say that or I think that happened. But, like, my dreams were so vivid and my reality was so blurry that they became the same level of lucidity. Well, my memory is really bad when i get drunk and so i started doing this thing where like i'll sort of have like some version of a mental check-in if i

like feel myself starting to get like it's happening yeah like i'm i probably won't remember some of this so i'll just be like everyone that i've talked to tonight has been happy and no one's mad at me and then i'll that way i wait Turn it off. I'm like, oh, good. I remember like checking in and remembering to remember that no one was mad at me. Yeah. Because a lot of the times I wake up and I'm like hungover and I like feel like large swaths of the night are gone.

I'm like, fuck, what did I say or do to piss people off? I think I have a good gauge about whether you start, you're in that zone of not remembering. I think I know what good gauge about whether you start, you're in that zone of not remembering. I think I know what you look like when you're drunk and you remember. And I think I know what you look like when you're an unremembering drunk. That makes a lot of sense. What do I look like when I'm not remembering? I think it's like a lot of eyebrows,

eyebrows up, eyelids almost closed. So like you're sort of forcing yourself to be like, yeah, like that. Like I, eyebrows up, but eyelids almost shut, uh, smiling that. Like I, I browse up, but eyelids almost shut,

uh, smiling, slurring, laughing a lot. And like, ah, like sort of like mumbling, stammering,

stuttering, slurring. That sounds disgusting. I wonder if I could, is there like, if I like shouted a number at you when you reach that level of drum, like remember 75, remember 75. I made you shout it at me, 75, 75. Can I pierce through the blackout and place something back in here?

What if you pierced through the blackout and then everything else that happened when the blackout came through? No! Oh my God! 75, 75. It's awful! It's all coming back! It's all coming! Or I could take a video of you.

Like, let's see if you remember this. I'd rather do the 75 thing. Because video, it's like, oh shit, now I have to be on my best behavior. Maybe that's like you waiting. I've seen videos of myself where I look really drunk and I don't like it. That's what you're forcing us to see. Yeah, but other people are drunk too. Yeah, that's true.

You're never just like hammered at work. Yeah. Although maybe. Well, I'm pretty high rate. Yeah. All right, cool. Good luck. Find that V-bomb.

I say you can ask. Jake says snoop around a little bit. Snoop one more time. Snoop one more time. All right. Fun episode. Good episode. We're all happy. We're all healthy. We did the ads time. All right. Fun episode. Good episode. We're all happy.

We're all healthy. We did the ads a little bit different. Maybe people like it. Maybe people don't. Let us know. Let us know. Subreddit, Twitter, Facebook. It's all fair game.

Fax it to us. One last time. I feel like we should just reiterate the fax number just because we sort of glossed over the first one. 917-555-5555. 5555-5555. lost over the first 9-1-7 5-5-5 5-5-5 5-5-5 5-5-5 5-5-5 5-5-5 5-5-5

and we are going to Minneapolis Chicago Detroit yeah and Toronto I think like in 10 days

by the time this comes out we're almost in Toronto I mean shit that's very very soon and tickets are still available not only for that live show the podcast but we're also hosting

a stand-up comedy show with very funny comedians at the festival all the information is on our website, jacobnamir.com. You can check it out there. Thanks for listening. If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions, that email address for everything

is ifirayoushow at gmail.com. The opening one was Tommy. It was a cover. Oh yeah, of Enrique Iglesias. And this closing one is by Kevin. So Toda, Kevin, gracias. Toda to you guys for listening, and we'll be back soon.

If I were you would you be me? If you do you, can you Turn up the volume so you can hear Half-assed advice from Jake and Amir From the very start

They'll tear your question apart But later on They might solve your problem. So if I were you, what I would do is listen to these two dudes. That was a HeadGum podcast.