Segments - 235: Tobacco (w/George Basil!)

Episode Date: September 26, 2016

The friend, the myth, the legend George Basil joins us to dispense wisdom on mentors, soulmates, and cigarettes. This episode is brought to you by Harrys, FrameBridge, and Squarespace See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you I will fly with you Welcome to the Chillest Advice Hour on the Internet. I'm George Basil. Who are you?

I'm Mary Tyler Moore. Holy shit, awesome. And you? I'm'm Mary Tyler Moore. Holy shit, awesome. And you? I'm also Mary Tyler Moore. Holy shit, two Mary Tyler Moores and one George Basil in the house. That's an orgy. That song, I think it was a song. Would you say that was a song?

Yeah, I love that. It was written by a Luxembourger named Luca, whose song we've used before. Not this specific song. Who's made another song for us. And his email said, by the way, you are pronouncing my name and my buddy's name, Manu, completely wrong. How are you pronouncing it? I think Luca and Manu, so I'm probably doing it again. He didn't clarify how to do it.

Manu? Manu? Maybe it's Luca and Manu. Manu. Manu's a good guess. Interesting facts about Luxembourg. That's fine. We're good. You're saying Luxembourg wrong Interesting facts about Luxembourg. That's fine. We're good.

You're saying Luxembourg wrong, Tim. Borg? It's Borg. Luxembourg. I'm going to pronounce it B-O-U-R-G. Luxembourg? Yeah. Luxembourg.

We have a duke and our own language. Luxembourgese? That's not that interesting. I wouldn't think they have a language. I mean that they have a duke. Yeah, but fuck dukes. Fuck dukes, dude. I like that song a lot. of that interesting i wouldn't interesting fact interesting i mean that they have a duke yeah but fuck dukes fuck dukes dude i like i like that song a lot really that's why i sort of chose it because it had your vibe your aura that was playing out of your car when you rolled up um this is your

first episode since gosh who knows who knows when you were with us before? That was by 2005. That was, it was during, when we lived at that house we recorded outdoors. Oh, when I had the cabin. Yeah, the cabin house. That was the cabin house your sister was inside, washing dishes. And I could just like, I was just watching her wash dishes the whole time. You will never forget that. I will never in my life forget that.

Last thing you see when you die i know how uncomfortable does it make you jake when i talk about when you think of my sister washing dishes uh i would not not uncomfortable at all i would kill for you to be my brother-in-law oh my god if we were bros yeah are you kidding me yeah even in law it's just that still counts just by law i would love to come to family functions. Oh, man. That'd be great. Yeah.

We'd have so much fun. Yeah. Maybe I'll just start. Totally. Start what? Just start. Start what? I'll go.

I'll just, maybe I'll go start. Yeah. Soon. You gotta start. Like, what's your next family thing? Rushashana at my Aunt Amy's house. Russian Shana? Russian Shana. You're in, dude. Russian Shana. Hot baths. Just sauna at my aunt Amy's house. Russian sauna? Russian sauna.

You're in, dude. Russian sauna. Hot baths. Just me and my aunt. Just what you wish my family functions were. Russian sauna. You mean the grill I saw washing dishes? We're all going to a Russian sauna?

All right, never mind. You're not invited, George. But we will see you at the Yom Kippur break fast. Yeah, I will come. That's going to take place also at a Russian sauna. I found it March 8, 2015. Whoa, what's today? March 8, 2000? No, time doesn't work that way.

Okay. You don't just get to guess. Wow. Today, while recording, is September 21st. I want to say it comes out Monday, September 26th, 2016. So about a year and a half. Jeez, a year and a half's not a long time. I don't feel any more dead.

But you're much more successful, I would say, in the last 18 months. Oh, yeah. You're on TVs and stuff. Yeah, 18 months ago, we were embarrassed to even be seen with you. And now it's like an honor that you're here. Yeah, it's like... Well, that'll change back. Oh, when you lose the jobs?

Yeah. Or even just like the jobs stay intact. Did you have any of these TV gigs in March 8th? Yeah. I think all I'd done is shot the pilot for Wrecked at that point, but it hadn't been picked up. So Wrecked got picked up. Now it's a TV show.

There's going to be two seasons. It's going into the second season. Okay. Flaked, which is a show on Netflix that you're on with Will Arnett. That starts October 3rd, second season. Crashing. A pilot you shot for HBO got picked up to a full season with Pete Holmes. Shot that first season.

That second season is like hopeful. So that's already three for three on pilots to series, which is kind of a long shot. You're like a good luck charm. Yeah, it's like of a long shot yeah it's like the basil bump it's the basil bump and then didn't she you were just also in vancouver shooting something else vancouver for a cw show that my buddies wrote um called no tomorrow which is awesome yeah cast and everybody in vancouver was cool shit um when you walk into an audition room now you're just like come on let's get let's get over this. I don't walk into auditions, bro.

Oh, yes. It's a Bezos offer only. You think he auditions? Oh, dude. I don't offer me shit either. Oh, hell yeah. I think it's actually kind of, I mean, I'm so busy, I guess, that TV's kind of out. I can't do anything else.

There's no more. You're locked up. Luckily, the way that all those shows that you mentioned lined up, just by sheer chance, they all worked in a calendar year seasonally. This is done, and then for

whatever reason, now Rekt is shooting wherever. Because Pete Holmes' show, you shot in New York, right? So you're getting to shoot a show in New York, one in Puerto Rico, one in Vancouver, and then one in Venice Beach. It's ridiculous. It's incredible. It is. It really is. I don't know what to do.

And to think it should be me. Oh. What? That's not... It's mean and it's not true. It's small-minded and incorrect. It could be. It would be better if it were me as you, as your characters, for it to be I instead of George. Do you think that makes the shows better, or do you think that makes your life better?

Me better. All right. Shows worse, me better, who cares? George better. George better. George dead. George Brent. If George was just dead, I would get all of his roles

I'm the number two You guys are doing great too Look at this man This office is amazing Yeah we have an office It's super profesh And Luxe

Really Yeah we couldn't book Any fucking parts So we decided to just Make an office Now we're Fucking nine to five Losers

We build our own shit We're not artists anymore dude We're fucking business owners It's not cool. We have computers everywhere. Look at this. There's like three computers in here alone. You guys can hold auditions here. Thanks, man. And we

should. And we will. We should for parts that don't exist so we can reject everyone. Just like everyone rejected us. Some sort of weird very low stakes revenge movie. So we can tell everyone in the room they didn't get it. Hard sort of weird, very low stakes revenge movie. We could tell everyone in the room. Hard pass. They didn't get it.

No, sweetheart. I don't think so, sir. Try again. Better. You're all wrong for this. Why'd you call me in? I don't know. But this is not a web series.

This is an advice podcast. It's actually the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir, and that's Jake, and we're with George today. Hello. I thought it was Mary Tyler Moore, but no. Right. You've done the program before. You get the rules.

People will email us. They're in sticky situations. They're seeking our advice. They think me and Jake are wise. Wait till they get some of the basil wisdom. Holy shit. These people are lucky because we're dispensing, I would say another a hundred percent free,

free wisdom, um, from the wisest person. I know. Oh, that's very nice. Hopefully from the troughs. Um,

this is, this first email comes from a lady, a lady named George. You want to name her because we can't use her real name. Yeah. Martilda. What's that? Martilda. Oh, that actually is her real name. name. Yeah, Martilda. What's that? Martilda. Oh, that actually is

her real name. Martilda. I just spilled. Does Martilda have a last name? Yeah, Swint. That's amazing. Martilla Swint. I already pronounced it incorrectly. Hey guys, I'm having some troubles relationship-wise and

thought you guys could help. Whenever I'm able to find a boyfriend, everything goes really well for about a month or so, but then I get bored. I get bored of current relationships way too easily as my focus quickly shifts to other things and other people. This usually hurts my current boyfriend's feelings and puts an end to the relationship. They think I don't like them anymore, which usually isn't true. I just have a hard time keeping up a relationship once the new and exciting factor wears off, and I find something else that's new and exciting. I want to believe that I can find someone that I can have a long-term relationship with, but it's gotten to the point where I'm not wanting to date anyone anymore

because I feel like our chemistry will inevitably fizzle out. Any advice for keeping a relationship going once ye hit that point of getting bored? Thanks. Love the show. Love, Martilda Swind. Martilda. Gracias, Martilda. It's Tilda Swinton's Hispanic cousin.

Hispanic nephew. Okay. George, how long does it take you to get bored usually? Yeah, right away. Oh, instantly, first day. Pretty much. It's like, what get bored usually? Yeah, right away. Oh, instantly. First day. Pretty much. It's like, what's your name?

Yeah, mine too. Adios. You're not even intrigued that you met a girl named George? Never. It's never guardless. It takes like, I think I have about a year threshold. I can do it a long time. I fall pretty deep and then it goes pretty long and hard.

Oh, you're in it. Yeah. And you get more into it. I get really into it. Second date, third date, more into it, more into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One month, two months. See, I've had that same problem, too, because girls, in my experience, have understood the

real quick phasing out. Like, oh, yeah, we went on on three dates and he wasn't interested. People are conditioned. That's normal. What's not normal is two years of head over heels. Like, I want to share the world with you. Be with me, be with me. We are one.

And then after two years, you're just like, ah, fuck it. Like, wait a second. Why didn't you get bored earlier? You would have saved us time yeah you dove headlong into this swam out into the middle of the ocean and immediately hopped on a speedboat and went away yeah you should have just broken up to me when i was close enough to shore to swim back yeah yeah why do you get bored after a long time or quicker than that? I guess both. Whenever I've been bored in every long-term relationship I've ever been in, I've gotten bored.

And then there were stretches when I was single and I would start to anticipate the boredom before it would even actually happen. So that's like what you were saying before. I would like go out with somebody and like even if I was attracted to them, in that same like dinner, I would – well, never dinner, drinks. Those same drinks, I would like out with somebody and even if I was attracted to them, in that same dinner, I would... Well, never dinner, drinks. Those same drinks, I would... Not even a lunch. I'd go through everything in my head, be like, our falling in love, our courtship, our wedding,

our marriage, our children, and then our inevitable divorce. So by the end, I'm like, all right, this was fun. I never have to see you again. I'm divorced from you. Let me nip it in the bud right now. I think Louis C.K. has a joke where it's like, why get married where the best possible outcome is seeing your best friend die? Like, either you die or you see your best friend die. Like, why not just not do that at all?

Then you live a whole entire life without a best friend. Well, yeah, that's what she's starting to feel like. What's your threshold? I, I'm, as I get older, I get quicker to cut off. Yeah. I'm like, that girl's great. We should probably break up. I'm not going to see her.

I'm not going to marry her. And like, what? You've only been out with her twice. I'm like, yeah, but I'm not, what am I going to have kids with this person? No, that's not going to happen. I'm not even enjoying the moment because I'm like, if it's not going to happen, I would have, I would have decided to marry her by now. What do you think that is?

Is it like it's a psychological partnership? Well, in my mind, it's like the ladies that I find myself instantly attracted to are also not the ones that I like get like romanticized building a life together with. So like those are two different ladies entirely. So do you, do you spend any time trying to pursue ladies you want to build a life with? Or do you think that's like just not in the cards for you? I think I'm so picky in particular that it's hard for me to find that like magical one in a million person that like in the meantime,

I'm like, Oh, I'm attracted to this person. I might as well go on a date with her. All right. You let the distractions come in. Yeah. Let the distractions come in and then see if maybe at least to something, I'm like, oh, I'm attracted to this person. I might as well go on a date with her. All right, I'm attracted to her. You let the distractions come in. Yeah, let the distractions come in and then see if maybe it leads to something. I don't know.

A lot of people are like, you know right away. When I found her, I knew, and it was instant, and I got it. And then some people are like, yeah, you know, it's fine for a little bit. And then we built up to the partnership of the idea of living together and moving in and starting a family. You don't have to be sexually charged and new and exciting and chemistry for the rest of your life at a certain point that person has to turn into like okay now we're partners in life make a family and like we both rule over this mini kingdom together but there has to be like leading up you you can't just like meet somebody and say like okay you're my life I respect you, and I want to build a mini kingdom with you,

you have to let the excitement wear off. Yeah. I think in the ideal relationship, the adrenaline, the excitement, the, like, I want to share things with you, fades just as your, like, loyalty kicks in.

Yeah, it's a crossfade instead of a cut off and then a restart. Sometimes they don't mix but sometimes they don't. This goes down, this goes up. Sometimes they don't mix. Sometimes they don't overlap. And you can't run the distance in between to get to the. The next phase.

And you have to keep your finger on that dial for the rest of your life. Which dial? That excitement versus loyalty versus commitment versus all of it. Like you have to. I am in a trance. Yeah.

And that's really true because like how many clubs do you go to where like the DJ sort of sucks at doing that and you leave? Yeah. All the clubs I go to.

But there's like some, there's some, that's why it's so rare there's some really great djs that'll keep you dancing the entire night and then some people get married during the intense excitement phase and then that wears off and they're married and like oh no you did that i do that all the time i do that every time i've been married 70 times you have been married i have yeah yeah yeah you joke but not too much of a joke no yeah you've been married to get back oh fuck yeah to get back to to get back to her question though she said

um that martilda said that she feels like she should be single for a while and i'd probably agree if you're losing that sensation of excitement and that falling in love thing within a month with everyone or with anyone, then there's a good chance that whatever is going on should be introspective and you should probably just be figuring your own shit out. I completely agree. But is being single also dating people or are you talking about not even dating anybody? Yeah, I'd say probably date. I don't know. I'm in that position now where I've been single now for a while, for like the first and longest period in my life.

How long? 21 years. 21 years. You were in a serious relationship when you were 7 ever since I started working in television I've been single it's been a while

yeah it's been a bit and it's great and there have been dates and there have been close encounters and it's like of the third base third base just so you know first date third base first date third base but there's still so much to unpack like there's still so much shit that

you know i'm not ready to do like you're saying like you like it's i'm that person that you're that you run through that list of like uh criteria yeah what how they're gonna fit into your family that's heavy shit right it's like okay so i have to be sexually attracted to this person and also they have to uh get along well with my mother at seder and also they want to raise a family in Los Angeles. And also they want to yada, yada, yada. Yeah, absolutely. What if instead of a marathon, the same girl shifting in and out of this excitement and loyalty, it's a relay race. So I'll date someone for three years.

She'll pass the baton to somebody who's now more well equipped to satisfy that next phase of my life. My life. I do believe that relationships or marriages should be three year contracts. You should be able to go to the table every three years and be like, hey, are we still good?

You want your option in or no? You should be able to have a marriage check in every three years. And the default should be break up. Right. Unless you, like, really discuss it. You're like, all right, hey, let's do three years. Let's do three more years.

Yeah, that's a good idea. Let's extend just one more year. I mean, the NBA limits it at four or five years, and marriage is so much more important than that. Yeah. Who would want to sign a 39-year-old to a lifetime contract? That's insane. For no millions? Okay.

About Martilda, I agree that she's not ready for a relationship. That's why it's not clicking. But I think the attitude of being like, people bore me is defeatist. She should have the attitude of like, I haven't found the right person and I'm not going to settle.

Yeah, I know a lot of people are like, I don't actually feel that with anybody. And then they met somebody that of like, I haven't found the right person and I'm not going to settle. Yeah, I know a lot of people are like, I don't actually feel that with anybody. And then they met somebody that was like, she or he changed all that. I was always bored, but then that person made it better. So that's what dating is. You date them and then maybe one day you'll find the person that does get you excited. And even the people that you were talking about

that you build towards something with, that you're like, oh, you know, there wasn't like a whirlwind romance. It like it was a logical build-up there's still a time even in those relationships where something clicks and you feel like they're the yeah but i don't envy those at all man the grinder relationships like the ones that are just like it's hard but we weren't together and then it started to happen after it's like fuck you just like let yourself grow around this weed and it's like your water it was by accident we were around so often it had to have happened yeah but i mean one of those people in that in that couple typically too is the one that

was like i kept going after it man i kept getting after it, man. I kept getting after it. She eventually finally said it. But that's like, you hear that at weddings, and it's like romantic and cute. It's like, I just wore her down. Cheers to Sally and John. Sally's dead inside. Yeah, I mean, but that's how a lot of people live. Concessions. Yeah.

I mean, we live in a business where we're traveling and bursts of work, bursts of nothing. Can you imagine living in the same place, working in the same city, 9 to 5 every night? You come home at 5. You don't have to do any work from 5 to midnight. You have that stability and security. I feel like that's a completely different way to start, a starting point, than what you do specifically. Right. You're going to be in New York for three months.

Okay, so what does your girlfriend in L.A. say about that? And what if she's also an actress and she's going to be in Hawaii for the two months after that or shooting a movie in London for like... Oh, killer. You know, real quick, I have a theory. I think Netflix is going to be the reason a lot of couples stay together. I think millennial couples are going to have a better marriage success rate than our parents. Oh. And I think it's because of Netflix.

Netflix and marriage? Because they chill so hard. Because now everybody has these great shows to watch. It's like the best thing you can do with your significant other. You come home from work, you cook dinner, and you're like, I'll watch three hours of Narcos right now. I want to stay with you forever. Access to good media. I did watch a lot of more TV when I was in a relationship than when

I was out. When I'm alone at home, I don't feel like the need to just binge watch on a Netflix show. But if I'm with somebody else in the room and I've seen that person day in, day out for however long... you don't want to talk to them yeah how much how much can we catch up how much can we get to know each other yeah we've already been texting all day now let's sit down and watch um making a murder whatever the show is called uh making a murder uh do you want

to answer another question yeah yeah oh this one's from another lady. A 21-year-old female named... Hwetney. Hwetney? Hwetney? W-H-E-T-N-E-H-E-Y? I hate that name. That's the worst name

I think anyone's ever said on this show. Hwetney. Oh, it's so... It makes you shudder. Yeah, you know how he's saying it. You know there's like some words like moist and panties that people like fucking can't hear? Yeah.

Mine is wet knee. Oh, I've never ever experienced that. Some sort of sound making your skin crawl. Oh, good lord. What's the worst last name you could give her? Oh, Cummins. Wet knee Cummins. Huetney Cummins.

I hate it. I love the show, writes Huetney. I'm a 21-year-old female in need of some guidance. My boyfriend of four years has been chewing tobacco off and on for the past couple years. My man. The other day I found a glass of tobacco spit under the bed. Gag. I was not snooping. I was just looking. Gag. I was not snooping.

I was just looking for my underwear. It was in the glass. Oh, moist panties in the glass. Whitney! And when I confronted him about it, he admitted to me doing it for the past month. He claims he is sorry, but he can't promise to stop because, quote, that is what addiction is. He wants me to help him by asking him every day if he's done it and by going through his stuff. I really don't want to be his mom and become a naggy girlfriend.

Is this normal? Is he just making excuses? What do I do? P.S. With this truth bomb, he also confessed to have a crush on a girl in one of his classes. That is cute. What the fuck? Should I be concerned?

Always be concerned, Whitney. You should i be concerned always be concerned whitney you should always be concerned as a rule let's uh tackle the first issue first yeah showing tobacco that seems like something you would do i do i do you do or you did or you don't did do and done really yeah it's uh i mean now i chew this nicorette gum which is less disgusting because uh you don't have to spit it out. What's your history with tobacco? Smoked cigarettes as a kid? I've been an addict since I was 15. 15 smoked cigarettes. You still smoke?

Over 20 years. I still smoke if she's pretty. I'll walk up and bum a cigarette if she's pretty yeah um my dad is a lifelong smoker and now for the last 20 years he's been a tobacco chewer so he dips and then like a little pocket shit so what's the difference between nicorette and the dip nicorette is like a chewing gum and it's just nicotine yeah and for some reason it's in a form where you just chew the gum. You park it in your... You guys want to try some? I have some in my pocket. God, no.

Instantly no. The chewing tobacco is that. Is it real that there's glass in it and it cuts your lips a little? Yes, I think some of them, like Skoll, or one of them has fiberglass in it. Because the point is to have small abrasions on your gums so that the tobacco can leach through. Insane. Because the point is to have small abrasions on your gums.

Insane. So that the tobacco can leach through. Insane. Yeah. Insane. My dad will have cups of coffee. Dunkin' Donuts cups. He drinks it. And then he spits in it.

So he's carrying around a cup of coffee all day long. And last summer they visited from Greece. And I'm driving the family in a big van that we rented. And there's a cup of coffee in the coffee holder. And I pick that up. Oh, no. And I take a swill. And I almost killed six people.

All of us almost died. You drank his tobacco spit. I took a big old swill of his tobacco spit. And what was it? That's how you become close to your mother. Yeah. Disgusting. Yeah, disgusting. The most disgusting. I watched my mom do it once, and there's nothing you can do but

laugh at the person. That's the terrifying thing. It's like the whole van lit up with laughter. That's when you almost killed them. Yeah. I was just like, teach them a lesson. You think this is funny. I'm driving the car on the fucking bridge. It was horrible. It's disgusting. It's a disgusting habit, but as a tobacco.

And you have to spit it. You don't swallow anything, right? Yeah, the gum you can swallow. The dip you spit. The tobacco chaw you spit. Chaw. The snoozes you can actually swallow. The snoozes you elusive.

The chaw you bawl. The elusive snoozes. And the skull you bowl. The snoozes are elusive that stuff you can kind of like it just it doesn't create a lot of saliva it doesn't like hit those

okay so you understand I'm kind of skeptical and cynical when it comes to addiction like a lot of my friends are like listen I wish I could quit but I'm addicted it's hard if I also wanted to quit something I loved are it's hard like if i if i also wanted to quit something i loved it would be hard but if it didn't kill me i would quit and people do quit so i know it's possible but it's not something that's like heroin no heroin addict

is like sorry i'm addicted yeah like okay hey i didn't realize like that's the problem keep on i'm being addicted to coffee is sort of like one thing. Yeah, I've never had a chemical. Nobody's going to force you to quit that. You've never had a chemical? I've never been addicted to a chemical. So I don't understand an addiction on a chemical level. I understand, yeah, it would be hard for me to give up sandwiches. Because I really like sandwiches.

But if it gave me cancer, I wouldn't have a sandwich. Yeah. That's as far as I can empathize. Bad news. gave me cancer, I wouldn't have a sandwich. Yeah. That's as far as I can empathize. Bad news. Sandwich is giving you cancer. No. No. Not my bologna on rye.

You've had a cigarette. I think I've had cigarettes with you. Yeah, yeah. I definitely have. I've never been addicted to cigarettes, but I smoke them pretty regularly. Yeah, like two packs a day. But I'm not addicted. But if I'm drunk and hanging out with people that do smoke,

I'll probably have a couple cigarettes on like a Friday or something. Have you ever quit for a lady? Yes. You have? That was the, yeah. Like in a relationship, you can't be successfully respectable. Respectful. What does that mean?

Well, you can't, you know, like if your lady doesn't smoke, she doesn't want to kiss an ashtray. Right. I'm opening a Nicaragua. Yeah. Because you're feeling it. I've been in relationships with people who like used to be smokers, then like a year in the relationship just started smoking again. And you feel so helpless. You're like, wait a second.

Yeah. I didn't sign up for this. And it's like, so you can't really just break up with someone because they're a smoker. It sort of feels like a... Just a nuisance. Something they can't help. But then it's like, at the same time, you're like, this is disgusting and I don't want to watch you do it. Yeah.

It's kind of weird because like, you don't want to be like, I forbid you to do it. But at the same time, you want to be like, I will break up with you if you don't do it. So it is kind of like you putting your foot down. It is gross. But it's also for their own benefit. So you can't be that bad.

A jar under the bed. That's a little too close to where you're fucking. You just hear the jar hitting the bottom of your head. Clink, clink, clink, clink. And all he's thinking about is his saliva juice.

He starts fucking the jar. And this dude also wants her to, like, her to be the... He wants her to quit. He wants to, like, be grilled by her every single day. He wants her snooping through his stuff so he doesn't lie.

Yeah. It's sort of on you at a certain point, buddy. Yeah, but then it's tough because she's been with him for four years. What is it? Maybe that's her threshold.

Maybe now's the time. Oh, pull the plug. Cut him loose, wet knee. Cut him loose, wet knee. Spinning tobacco. And then the P.S. is like a huge bomb, man. That P.S. is huge. The P.S. is kind of weird.

You don't confess to your girlfriend that you have a crush on someone. You're allowed to have crushes on people, but don't tell your girlfriend or boyfriend about the crushes. You can't stop your thinkings, but you can stop your talkings and your spinnings and your smokings. I'm so sorry about that. I really don't want to become his mom and naggy girlfriend. Is that normal? I think it's normal not to want to become his naggy girlfriend, Mom. Is he just making excuses? No, I think he's probably prolonging

the situation. You're giving yourself time by victimizing yourself. You just have to stay on me. You have to tell me when I talk about it. You have to tell me when I do it. I don't even think about when I'm doing it. It's like, yeah, okay, dude. Take some responsibility, man.

I got my shit to do. I'll quit next week if you remind me not to have it anymore. Yeah. What do I do? What should she do? What would you do?

I think I would say no. I think I would, I think I could put my foot down for smoking. And I don't feel like a bad guy because it's actually killing them. I would tell all my friends to stop smoking. Yeah, but what if they're addicted and they don't? And you have to feel like a bad guy because it's actually killing them. I would tell all my friends to stop smoking.

Yeah, but what if they're addicted and they don't? And you have to be, like, what, vigilant and make sure that they stop? I don't understand, like, I'm addicted, so I'm addicted. I understand I'm addicted, so it's hard. It doesn't even matter if you understand it or not. Like, say you're in a relationship with someone. She's smoking. And you say, you have to stop smoking.

And she's like, okay, I will. But then she just goes out and keeps on smoking. What do you do? Break up with her? Yeah, I think you'd be like, you're not doing what I'm asking you to do, which is to not die. Well, is she still smoking two packs a day

or is she like, oh, I had a cigarette this week? She's trying to quit. You have no idea. You're finding cigarettes in the bathroom. Under the bed in a jar. Getting it up with tweezers. There's lipstick on this one like that yeah it's this job that you didn't want where you have to be like sort of a detective but it's like not like

it's not like you're catching anyone cheat on you or something it's like this very tiny little micro problem yeah that's for me like smoking is the biggest like one of the biggest things but you wouldn't get into a relationship with a smoker. But what if somebody you were already in love with just was smoking? And then never gave up? I guess it depends on how deep I was in the relationship. If this was like 10 years in, we have kids. It's like, all right, now I have to fucking deal with this issue. I'm not going to divorce her.

Four years in. This is the exact scenario. Four years is very long. You got to make a decision either way, whether it's smoky or not. Four years is like, you know who this guy is. You're going to marry him, marry the smoker, go for it, deal with it, or get out now. You spent four years growing, having a good time and a life with this guy, but if you're not going to marry him, get out.

What a name. What a name. Also, he's confessing about a cute girl in his class. What's her email address? We'd love to figure that out. Yeah, it sounds like he's loading on the back door exits. Yeah. He's just like, I can't stop.

Also, I love this girl. Maybe this dude doesn't want to be in a relationship. Yeah. He sounds like he's being a little destructive. All right, let's take a break. We'll be back with more questions and answers and Basil after this. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah.

Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one first stop, one stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have

also award winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freakyfriday.com. That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd

you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think.

And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah.

So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments.

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Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we are back. And we are back. What up, what up. And we are back. And we are back. What up, what up? And we are back. Jake and I are taking the show on the road

to Detroit, Chicago, Minneapolis, and Toronto in the next, let's say, month. Oh, let me come to Toronto. Dude, are you in any of these cities? You can come by,

do the show with us. I'm in Fiji next. Okay, so that's, I don't know, 11,000 miles away. We should do a show in Fiji you guys did Australia

right? yeah that was close Fiji yeah if only we were in Australia when you were in Fiji that would be much more

doable doable when did you go to Fiji? I think like January oh that's great for my birthday and your birthday for our birthdays

hell yeah dude how close is your birthday to mine? yours is the 7th? no 8th? 9th Yours is the 7th? No. 8th? Mm-mm.

9th? Uh-uh. Oh, 4th? Yeah. January 4th? Yeah, July, January 4th. Exactly two weeks after. Oh, July 19... 75.

That's right. That is correct. Hmm. I'm a January 18th baby. January 18th? When's yours? August 5th. Well, nobody's perfect.

You tried. August 5th is a great birthday, guys. Oh, yeah. That's big time. A lot of historical relevance to that one. Neil Armstrong. Neil Armstrong died. Your parents might have fucked on George's birthday.

Oh, yeah. They probably did. And that was the only time. You were a very premature baby. Jake was born uh right after they fucked yeah jake was born nine months too early he came out the size of a poppy seed i just wanted to see my mommy i couldn't wait he just like a poppy seed hung out on her tiny little poppies and i could talk right away too too. I have a very small voice. Mommy!

So this is our adult swim pilot pitch to you. You'd play the role of the seed. The poppy seed baby. The poppy seed baby boy, played by George Basil. Beige as the seed. Shooting in Fiji. And the doctor who births the seed. A bagel man of sorts, who birthed the seed george plays the seed and the bagel man doctor

the cartoon takes place in fiji on location for no reason it's animated in the united arab emirates we're already writing the check what do you this is an offer uh why are you why are you going to fiji for wrecked for that uh TBS show, Wrecked. Got it. Yeah. So just, let's get season twos of everything

and run it back, basically. Yeah. You got your shows, just loop it out. Season two. Fucking jack in the box. Do,

do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do,

do, basil, basil, basil, basil, pop goes your basil. That's fun. Yeah, that'll be great.

You guys should come. Where are those shows again? Minneapolis? Minneapolis, Detroit, Chicago, and Toronto. Minneapolis, Detroit, Chicago, and Toronto. Toronto. Toronto's coming up. Toronto's next week.

Yeah, if you're listening to this. Actually, you're listening to this on Monday. Our show in Toronto is this week. Oh, it's on tomorrow. Go to our show, goddammit. This is happening soon. You guys are already at your show.

Yeah. Our show is tomorrow in Toronto. Yeah, or if you're listening to it on Tuesday or Wednesday, our show is happening now. You're missing our show.

You don't know how much I love Canada. Wait, which show on Tuesday is the stand-up show or the podcast? I think our podcast is second, but why don't you guys talk while

I look that up? I'll give you a topic. Let's say George hasn't cut his hair in a while. Yeah. When is the last time you cut your hair? Well, I was married. Whoa, you're Samson. All your divorce power is in your hair.

Man, Canada is mine. Amazing. Yeah. Do you get a trim on that hair, on that mane, or do you just not even cut it? No, no, I don't touch it. I mean, I touch it, but I don't work it. Zero. Yeah. Do you get a trim on that hair, on that mane? Or do you just like not even cut it? No, no, I don't touch it. I mean, I touch it, but I don't work it. Zero, nothing. Yeah, I should probably comb it more than I do,

but I definitely keep it clean with like washing it and conditioning it. But it just stays under a hat. Do you like it? I love it. You do? Yeah. You too can have one. Really?

I wish. What do you mean? I can't grow without hair. What would your hair do? You're currently growing out your one. Really? I wish. What do you mean? I can't grow without hair. What would your hair do? You're currently growing out your hair. You're working on it right now. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! All snakes. You're Medusa today. You are Medusa. Our comedy, Jake and Amir and Friends

stand up show is Tuesday and our live podcast is Wednesday at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre it's like a 1200 person venue so please

holy shit buy tickets come on out our website looks good huh this is not our website this is the just for laughs

jfl42.com website and it does look good that is correct thank you do you want to answer out our website. All right. This is the Just for Laughs JFL42.com website. And it does look good. Bless you. That is correct. Thank you. Do you want to answer some more questions? Yeah.

Okay, great. Finally, a question about from a dude. Like, let's help out the fellas. A question about from a dude. That's why we started

this podcast. Yeah. I don't know what girls do. So we can talk to guys. Hey, if you're a girl and you're listening, turn it off or turn it up because we're about to get real. So I don't want you listening or I want you listening extra hard or just change the way

You cannot please everyone. You are trying to please the alt-right and feminists in this podcast. If you're a Trump supporter or a Gary Johnsonson fan i want you to fucking turn this shit down but not all the way because this one this one is just for you but remember ladies i'm with her all right here we go down stand up and vice versa yeah you gotta just pick a side you're not gonna get them all this is you talking to jimmy fallon oh come on let's talk about it it's topical guys uh do you have a guy's name a guy's name yeah terred that's amazing t-e-r-r-d yeah t-e-i-r-d uh t-e-i-rared. Last name? Feejant.

Dared. Feejant. Rights. Hey, guys. I'm just going to jump into it. I moved away to college this year, and in doing so, broke up with my old lady. What up? Since I've been here, we've been having Skype sex. And when she says she loves me after, I feel obligated to say the same.

But I moved away so I can have a fresh start. And I feel like if I do that, I could really hurt her badly so i don't want to what should i do cut your throat cool guy this is you i love that voice yeah hey dude got broke up with my old lady because i needed a fresh start still hook up with her on sky. I feel bad not saying I love you. I don't want to hurt her. What should I do? I don't want to be with her. Remember to hang loose, buddies. I said, cut the cord. Get me the

fuck out, but now I feel bad that I'm hurting her feelings. So I still say I love you. Giggity giggity. Locals only. It seems like he sort of soft broke up with her. Maybe this is his first breakup and he's like, I don't want to just drop her off a cliff.

I'll slowly, gently let her down. I'll say we'll break up and then we'll have Skype sex. The thing that he needs to remember is that he's not being nice to her. He's deluded himself into thinking that having Skype sex with her and lying to her about loving her

is the nice thing to do right because love is nice sorry friend you're doing the mean thing because you're taking advantage of her love for you so you can still jerk off on skype and come and then you say i love you because you don't want to feel guilty for exploiting her and then you want to go out and seize your cheese but you you can't have it all just like you can't want to feel guilty for exploiting her, and then you want to go out and seize your cheese. But you can't have it all. Just like you can't have the Trump supporters, the Gary Johnson supporters, the Jill Stein supporters,

and the Hillary supporters. You have to choose one. Actually, I skipped a parenthetical. That question specifically, even more messed up, is I kind of want a fresh start, and I feel like if I do that, for example, start talking to other girls, I could really hurt her badly, and I don't want to. He wants to break up, he wants a fresh start, but he thinks that'll hurt his ex-girlfriend's feelings, so he doesn't want to do that.

It'll probably hurt Whitney's feelings. Oh, you think this guy's hitting Whitney? Teared and wet? Oh shit, he's chewing chaw. He's scoling, bowling, and coaling. Yeah, I mean, you can't, like Jake said, you can't have it.

You gotta, I mean, you know, break up, tough to do. Gotta take the pain. You have to say, and you can't be the one that consoles your ex-girlfriend. Breaking up hurts, but the thing that hurts worse is the half breakup. Yeah.

Is like the straddling both sides and being hurt, being free, being hurt, being free. Like, what the fuck do I do? I'm hurting somebody. You need to cut her off. You need to end this completely no more skype sex understandably difficult when you're talking about like the half breakup but you're still fully fucking right like the comfort of a of a partner ex-partner or whatever that you no longer see regularly so you're not tired of them or like in the routine

that you funked up but instead you're like you miss them you love them still and then you get to have sex with them uh-huh yeah i get that yeah that way you can have it all then you eat it all you're single and still fucking her fuck pain what about gain but you the skype thing is that's for me at least that's one degree too removed i would just like it's over i don't i don't need to see your vagina i have one right skype is like you don't oh i'm sorry i said right oh yeah uh i don't i don't have it no no i don't i don't have it that's how george breaks up with everyone i don't need your vagina anymore i have one of my own.

No, no. So you do not have a vagina. No, I do not have one. Okay, because you're nodding yes. No, no, no, no. Not a vagina, but... Now you're just moving your head in circles. Pussy.

I see it. I see your vagina. You have a vagina. Wow, awesome. It's a can. It's a can of LaCroix. It's a pussy can. It's, yeah, I get the half stepping on the way out the door is like classic dude.

But a lot of people confuse being nice with being, doing what's easy. The easy thing for this guy is to like not have this tough conversation with his girlfriend. And he's able to say, oh, I'm being nice. I'm not hurting her. But you're not hurting her directly. You're not watching her cry because you're lying to her. But that's more painful. This breakup, the one that he has to have,

is going to be more painful than if he had just broken up before he went to school. Totally. 100%. I don't want to be nice. It's hard to be nice. It's easy to be meesy And meansy So

I'm gonna suggest Keep fucking her on Skype Keep saying I love you That's fine Say I've been thinking about you more and more While you're still dating other girls That way she's happy, you're happy And then you kill yourself in December.

That way issues go away anyway. Your brain's on the fucking wall. Merry Christmas, Skype. Please follow my advice. Hey, listen, there's no wrong way to eat a Reese's. What you said is the worst. You advised this guy to kill himself during a Skype date. It's subjective.

There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's. There is no wrong way to eat a Skype date. It's subjective. There's no wrong way to eat a racist. There is no wrong way to eat a racist. That's true. Can we answer one more question really quickly? Oh, God,

that was my bone. We'll do a quick sesh. Yeah, dude. Quick sesh. One last girl. I can't believe it. Who? Three ladies.

Three girls? Can you imagine? Taylor. Taylor? Tinky. Tinky, Taylor. T? Three ladies. Three girls? Can you imagine? Taylor. Taylor. Tinky. Tinky, Taylor. Tinky, Taylor. And Stein.

Tinky, Taylor, Oh, shit, that's it. Taylor, Tinky, and Stein is like a, it's a law firm where one of the lawyers sucks. Can you imagine which one it is?

I'm Tinky. Hey, John Taylor. Truly Stein. And I'm Crack Tinky. Crack Tinky. Cracktinky. Hey, John Taylor. Truly Stein. And I'm Cracktinky. Cracktinky. Cracktinky. Cracktinky writes, One of my closest friends is three years younger than me,

and I've always seen her as a younger sister. Her family has told me that I've been like a mentor to her. I've given her advice on pretty much every life topic for five years now. Her brother and I are at the same college. We started out as fuck buddies three years ago, but at some point we became a formal couple and we're now thinking about moving in together. Not only are we great together,

but it'd be cost effective and I would really like to give it a try. That being said, my baby sister from another mister has no idea I'm dating her brother. It killed me to hide it from her, but I didn't want to be a bad example to her. Mentors don't just have sex with the siblings of their mentees.

I feel like if I move in with him, I would have to tell her that I've been low-key fucking her brother for multiple years now. I don't want to do this for many reasons, so what should I tell her? Love, Tinky. Taylor, Tinky Stein. You know the rule of mentors don't have sex

with the siblings of their mentees Yeah the mentees Go back to fuck buddies Tinky Have you ever had a secret or like a relationship where you had to hide it from someone Yeah What's the deal with that All of them

They're all secrets It's called shame Blumenfeld Some people feel it constantly And I'm embarrassed I fuck ghosts No Ebenfeld, some people feel it constantly. And I'm embarrassed. I fuck ghosts. No, it seems like the mentee would understand that, you know, as long as you're still a good mentor, she'd be like, oh, and my brother? What are you teaching him? And then you could have like a weird family three-way.

The real brother. This is like a potentially beautiful thing. Remember in Friends when Ross finds out that. Oh, yeah, my sister, my best friend. Yeah, it's like my best friend and my sister. And then he just soft yeah my sister my best friend my best friend and my sister and then he just softens he's like my best friend my sister and he hugs him that's like that's what will happen that's well maybe not it might take a little time it might be tough it might take a little time but nobody i don't think she's gonna stay mad forever especially if your relationship is like real it's one thing if you're like oh i've been fucking your brother and you know i hurt his feelings and now we're not together anymore now

it's going to be weird i can't come over the house yeah but it's another thing to be like hey i fell in love with your brother i'm going to move in with him i'm going to be a bigger part of your family i still love you is it all that shit that's good shit is it public and safe to say that you've been in this place of this mentee um where, oh, where somebody was fucking my sister? I don't know about fucking, but dating, being with her, wanted to be with her, and was afraid to tell you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that did happen.

And how did you react? I was pissed. I was pissed for a while, but then I got over it, and it was beautiful. It was really nice. Is it me? It was you and the was really nice. Is it me? It was you. It was you.

And the dish. Ew. Earlier. I think the only claim she'll have at being quote-unquote mad is the lying about it for three years. I guess you shouldn't have lied about it for three years. That's a little weird. But I think she'll get over it. She'll be nice if she actually looks up to you and you're dating her brother.

She might be pissed at first, but you should still tell her. As long as she loves her brother. That's what I was going to say. I hope she has a good relationship with her brother. What if the brother was the source of a lot of the problems? I need a mentor because my brother is an abusive asshole. You're the reason I'm a mentee. Oh, I'm going to help you.

Oh, my God. That abusive asshole is hot. I wish I was a mentee. Will you be my mentor? Will you be my mentee? What? You retract. All right, never mind.

Jake will just do it. Sorry, Tinky. You're not a good mentor. I'm the mentee. Great fuck buddy, though. Great fuck buddy. Has that happened to you? Me? Yeah. No, I've never. I don't know. I am the mentee great fuck buddy though great fuck buddy has that happened to you?

me? yeah no I've never I don't know I don't like the I don't even like like dating friends of friends I feel a little weird about that really?

yeah my perfect girl's like oh nobody knows her let me introduce you to this nurse from Torrance that I discovered not like oh yeah I know that girl my buddy dated her

and like she fucked this other guy three years ago and I tried to hook up with her once. Who's that asshole friend that as soon as he finds out you're a girlfriend, he tells you the list of people she's fucked? If I'm like, oh, I'm dating this girl, wouldn't you be like, oh shit, fucking Dave Rosenberg did something to her.

I wouldn't say that, no. Rosie. Well, who's a girl that Dave Rosenberg has been with? Shakira. Shouldn't out them. He ruined Shakira. If I'm like, oh, I'm dating this new girl, it's this girl, you would be like, uh, cool. You wouldn't be like, wait a second.

I think, yeah, I would just be like that. Dave Plowder at the Bagelsmith at 5 a.m. Yeah, I wouldn't say anything, but I would know that it would get back to you. But I would just, you know, it doesn't matter. Yeah. It doesn't matter. I just, I seek to avoid that kind of stuff. But it's sometimes unavoidable.

Yeah. It's unavoidable. We live in a small community. Yeah. We're all funny peoples. Even a nurse from Torrance. She's the funniest of all. Oh my God.

George married her. My 13th new wife. All right. Cool. George. Yeah. Thanks as always. Hey, man. All right. Cool. George. Yeah. As always. Hey, man.

I'm happy. How's it going, dude? I would do this every single Wednesday. Sounds great to me. We could do a remote from Fiji. Actually, we could come visit in Fiji. That'd be cool. And then we just need three microphones.

I want to come to a show. You should come to a show. Yeah. Let's figure it out. Maybe to Toronto. Do you have anything to plug? Not a damn thing, but thanks for having me. Hell yeah, dude.

That's the cool shit, dude. That's the fucking guy. That's the base, dude. I love that shit. It's a shame, because he did promise his sister he'd plug her charity. Oh, yeah, that's right. She's not doing so well, but hey, thanks for having me guys. The opening theme song

was written by Luca. This closing one is a full song by Daniel. So thanks to Daniel and Luca for writing. If you have your own theme songs,

your own questions, your own anything, submit it to ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. George will not always be here but Jake and I

will do our best and it's sometimes that's enough see you next week later dudes you're feeling down and out falling into the same old trap

you're thinking about all the troubles on your mind. Gotta come up with a plan right now, but you're dumb and you don't know how. You want to follow your heart and your heart is pure, but you're so damn insecure. Why were you, the show If I were you, the show Tell you what you already know

Advice with sarcastic tone. If I were you, the show. With Jake and Amir. that was a hate gun podcast