Segments - 237: Motorcycle (Live in Toronto!)

Episode Date: October 10, 2016

In this episode we discuss sexy cars and skinny dipping live at JFL42 in Toronto! This episode is brought to you by DSTLD jeans, BlueApron.com, and TrunkClub.com. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Jake and Amir! Oh! Oh, shit! Woo!

Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Toronto, okay. Wow. Okay. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Toronto, okay. Wow. Okay. Wow. Wow.

Yeah. Yes. Yes, dude. Yes, dude. That's... Honestly, and I don't say this a lot, I deserve more than that.

Are you... That was like a 30 seconds. That was a six. No way, that was like borderline a standing ovation. Borderline a standing ovation. We couldn't even get a word out for like a full minute at CNN. Which was nice nice and I do kind of appreciate the adoration.

You don't at all because the first thing you said wasn't thank you, it was I deserve more than that. And now you're making a very ineffective looking fist. Oh. Bring the weakest guy on here

I want to friggin clock his chest you are the weakest guy give me the second weakest one then I want to see a really boring fight that's probably me actually how the hell are you guys

oh my gosh yeah this is what it's like are you guys? Oh my gosh. Yeah. This is what it's like. Yeah. This is good. This is cool. This is appropriate. You guys all listening. Beautiful people in the front row. I saw you today.

Is that possible? Does anybody here, has anybody never heard our podcast before? They're just dragged here by a very nice... you guys are still excited to yell, but you've never seen the show, which is like a great place to be. They're pumped to try it out. I love that. Which is fun. It's exciting.

We'll try to be funny for everybody. No inside jokes. You like ten people least of all. Yeah, definitely. We care about you the least just because. We're more you the least just because... We're more like about the day ones. Who's a day one? That's probably true.

We love being here. I love being in a city where it feels like there's more Jews in it than just us two. Yeah. Where are my Jews at? Yeah. Where are we doing Rosh Hashanah next week? Very good Very good

I want you all to make sure you get to the temple for high holidays That's really good Where are the Jews at again? Where are the single lady Jews at? Amir's mom made sure I asked that So there was how many? Just one over there? You're a single Jewish lady?

Yeah Actually, whoa, she's a goddamn dime, dude I can tell your parents I'm a doctor so easily He kind of looks like one I kind of resemble what a doctor An orthodontist, but still That counts

I'm straightening teeth, according to them They don't need to know what I really do I kind of resemble what a doctor... An orthodontist, but still. Yeah, that counts. It sure does. I'm straightening teeth, according to them. They don't need to know what I really do, which is sit in a room with Jake and talk to a microphone. All right, should we get this party started? Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's sit down. Or should I say potty started. P-O-D-D-Y.

Get off the stage, man. What? Get out of here. What the fuck, dude? Are you for real? I want to move up a little bit. Is that going to fuck with everybody's thing? Can we do that?

Is that fine? Especially if only you do it, it would fuck it up. Yeah. Like if I was still back there. This feels dangerous. Every good comedy show has three minutes of moving a table. Everything on this table is imperative to me. Nothing on the table matters to me.

Okay, here we go. This is nice. Now I can see. Hey, how are you? Are you taking a photo? You can do it. Take it. I'll pretend that I'm doing something.

Yeah, like, all right, go ahead. Oh, this is good. This is so candid. So you want the view of the show to be you laughing at them? In a perfect world, a comedy show is the performer cracking up at the crowd. You're right. I fucking apologize. All right, so this is... performer cracking up at the crowd. You're right. I fucking apologize. Alright, so this is...

Oh, that's really good. It's actually really good. Making a point here. I'm making a point here. That's your Robert De Niro on a podcast. I'm making a point here. This is so exciting. It doesn't feel like a Wednesday night. It feels like a Friday.

Are you guys ready to party? Yeah. Are we going to get turnt up tonight, Toronto? So this is an advice podcast. The way it works is that Jake and I get emails from a ton of people all around Canada, and they're all seeking our advice. Some live in Calgary, some Edmonton, some Toronto, Vancouver, Nova Scotia, Ottawa. Keep on going.

Halifax, Montreal. Halifax, yeah. Where else? Banff. Uh-huh. Banff. Right by the Beaufort Sea, way up there. Oh, yeah.

Where? I regret this, actually. This is a boring game. Everyone scream Little Towns in Canada at us. Oh, no, I was kidding. We didn't say Montreal. That was the last one, Montreal. And these people are confused.

They're seeking our guidance. We do our best to advise them. Sometimes we're alone in our room, semi-clothed, hard at best, soft at worst, advising these people. Sometimes we're in a room of a thousand of our closest friends, and that's tonight. How fortunate we are, how lucky we are to be here tonight. You whispered that in my ear backstage too. It wasn't cool then, It's not cool now. Okay. As always,

these are going to be real emails from real people. We're going to give them fake names in order to... Crandus, got you. What's that? Crandus. Crandus has followed us. Crandus, Crandus, Crandus,

Crandus, Crandus. You are the bane of my existence. Sir or ma'amam I don't even know And? Why are you guys yelling? I already said Crandus But I love your enthusiasm Crandus is a male Crandus is a male who writes

I just forgot how to read This is insane. Really? This is the worst possible time. I got it. Go for it. Subdudes, I've recently found myself in the stickiest of situations.

My current GF, who I live with, is working with her ex, who drives a pretty fast motorcycle. He drops her home from work maybe two to three times a week the thing is every time he drops her off she becomes a goddamn horny cock monster and wants to ravish me the second she walks in the door. She says it's... I honestly, we're gonna get there. I don't know if this is ha-worthy. This is more of a sad ha.

Ha. She says it's the vibration of the motorbike on her clitoris. We all knew what it was. I don't know. Maybe it's hugging this dude from behind she even asked if I could buy a hog of my own I'd be down but I'm freaking terrified of them

so you wouldn't be down he's completely in if not for this one bad fact so what do I do? buy the bike and overcome my fear? he's completely in, if not for this one bad fact. So what do I do? Buy the bike and overcome my fear? Forbid her to get lifts from this dude? Or change the subject? He's in the middle of the conversation right now.

Please help. I don't even want a helmet. Love, Crandis. Let's go for Crandis. Okay. Thoughts? Initial frustrations, fears, comments, questions? Ultimately, I think it's a good thing that the girl still wants to have sex with her

boyfriend when she comes home from the you know, her ex sort of getting her riled up. Isn't it weird to be emasculated while a girlfriend is asking you to ravish her? Yeah.

It is kind of something you wouldn't really be that excited to do Like hey my ex got me a horny Every time he drives around He's like hey bro Finish the job for me I brought the ball to the one If you want to carry her home

You're the goal line back Sometimes she wakes up at 2am And texts her boyfriend just for a ride around the block Yeah Actually will you just call me back? I'll put my phone on vibrate. Oh. Yeah, he could find other things that vibrate in his house, like a massage chair.

Oh, that's good. Hey, baby, I don't want to ride a motorcycle. Those are dangerous. What if I get you a shower head that sort of rumbles? Here's something that's a little less death-defying. Oh, he drives... Obviously, you would imagine that he drives a Hyundai Sonata. Yeah, a Sonata Hybrid.

Yeah, I was thinking it was a Hyundai. Hyundai, yeah, Sonata. Excellent pronunciation of Hyundai. Sorry, what was that? I was saying you pronounced Hyundai very correctly. A lot of people just say Hyundai. Hyundai. Yeah, you pronounce it very well the way you say Hyundai.

Hyundai Sonata. Oh. So pronounce it very well the way you say Hyundai. I also pronounce it very... Hyundai Sonata. Oh. So is it Japanese or is it Spanish? A little bit of both, and that's the beauty of the Hyundai Sonata. Either way, what I'm trying to say is you put a vibrator in the seat of the passenger seat on your Hyundai Sonata.

This is a weird car commercial pitch. I don't think you got the job. This guy is a weird car commercial pitch. I don't think you got the job. This guy is just a car salesman. What's it called? What's the machine that's also a dildo? A Sybian? A what? A Sybian? You want him to install a

Sybian? I did not say that. You could do a little rabbit, like a little, just a little clit tickler. You don't have to do full Sybian. It's not be disgusting. Oh, I'm sorry. How rude of me to suggest.

It's actually really foul. We're in front of a bunch of strangers right now. Yeah. Talking about a Sybian. I apologize for my friend. I don't think he can forbid her from riding the motorcycle.

I think that that's the worst wienerish thing he can do. Right, right. That much is clear. It's like, yeah, baby, I can get a hog or actually never ride on his. Oh, by the way, I'm looking into Kawasaki Ninja whatever. In case I don't get it, don't ever ride with him again. What does the CC mean after the numbers? Anyway, changing the subject, what was Final Jeopardy last night?

It was hard. Yeah, Nick got it. Oh, Nick's the ex? Yeah, Nick got the answer. That's really cool because he's smart, hot, and he has a hog. Oh, man. Can you imagine him taking off his helmet? Oh, yeah.

You better believe he has long hair. Oh, he shakes it out, too. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You better believe he has long hair. Oh, he shakes it out, too. Oh, baby. The ex giving the ex a motorcycle ride that gets her wet. Right, so how do we actually help this guy out? Because in the end of the day, his girlfriend is coming home and fucking him

because her ex is still getting her off a little bit. Yeah. Put a branch in front of his motorcycle, she said so instantly. Knowing that we would all know that she's done it before. Sorry. Takes off the helmet, horribly disfigured face.

Ah! You've committed murder. Who said that? You're a murderer. Police. At the very least, a vehicular manslaughterist. Yeah, you sort of have to get a motorcycle. That's the worst thing ever. Yeah.

If he's as scared as I am, he should never do that. Because there's one thing worse than not riding one. It's like riding one and not knowing how. So the thing is constantly getting away from him. But think of the vibrations that that would provide. Not just like a smooth ride, like a poof, poof, poof. Oh, yeah. Suddenly you're coming.

Everybody's coming. Half the joy of the hog is to get your rocks off. Actually, frankly, I don't hate killing the guy. What? It could definitely look like an accident. You're suggesting not doing it while his girlfriend is on it, right? Yeah, yeah, I got you. But that was on Rollerblades, the Big Daddy scene,

and this would be a motorcycle, so this would like... No, let's hear her out. I'm sorry, it wouldn't result in bodily harm, it would result in instant death. That being said, pretty funny. I like that as a set piece to a dangerous movie, but I don't know if I can advise this guy to kill somebody else. Yeah, that's irresponsible.

What can he do? Can't buy a motorcycle because he's too scared can't forbid the lady uh because that's too uh lame the only thing he can do is the third option which he says change the subject so like you're the girl and i'm the guy and you ask me. Hey, will you buy a motorcycle so I can get wet with you instead of my ex? Let's list our favorite apples. Macintosh. Oh, this is working. Delicious red.

This is perfect. Granny Smith. Honey red? Oh, Honey Crisp is a good apple, actually. Good on you. See, it's already happening. We're already talking about something else. She's definitely going to fuck her ex.

All right, let's move on. All right. One more time for Crandis. This is another guy. We need another guy's name. What do we think? guy. We need another guy's name. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. What do we think? Oh, wait, wait. I heard one. I finally heard

one. I finally heard one. Did you really? Yeah, I heard Wayne Gretzky. Really? Yeah. He's a famous hockeyist. Oh. Hey, guys. I was hoping you could give me some advice. I'm a 22-year-old guy from Australia still living at home. And a little while ago, I was hoping you could give me some advice I'm a 22 year old guy from Australia Still living at home

And a little while ago I snuck out In the middle of the night to go skinny dipping In our With a lady Oh, now really In our next door neighbor's pool I feel like we've wasted it on the earlier one Yeah, sure You blew your neighbor's pool. I feel like we've wasted it on the earlier one, but yeah.

You blew your hat. Turns out, though, the next morning, my brother heard the neighbors talking about how their puppy had run away during the night. It seems that not closing the gate properly when I left their yard, it seems that not closing the gate properly when I left their yard

because I didn't want to make too much noise, gave their brand new puppy the opportunity to escape. See, now aren't you guys glad that we called this guy Wayne Gretzky? He's a goddamn puppy murderer. So what should I do here? At the moment, no one even suspects that I had anything to do with it, so it's not even like I'd have to lie. I could just not say anything. On the other hand, am I a puppy murderer for this? I did mention that. As I said, it was a brand new puppy,

so it's unlikely to find its way back and may even die in the streets. Also, I should probably feel guilty for giving the neighbors another reason to argue they seem to do that a lot. And this certainly wouldn't help the situation. Dog's fault? Their fault? My fault?

Thoughts? Thanks, guys. Love the show. Love Wayne Gretzky. Let's give it up for Wayne. All right. The great one. Yeah.

Well, right off the bat, let's take dog's fault off the table. It was a brand new puppy. Yeah. I mean, this baby had just left the yard. I mean, this was a brand new puppy. What are you going to do with that ice? Huh? What?

Why? Why is this happening? Oh, my fingertips are so warm. I'll stroke a bowl of ice. I have to use this at some point. I'm going to put it in my glass Oh I thought you were just using it to chill the whiskey No

The whiskey's right here Great now the dirty bottle's in the ice You don't know how this ice was made to begin with I'm cleaning the ice By rubbing it on your fingers Absolutely Alright Okay not dog's fault it is your fault

it is his fault he is a puppy murderer by proxy would you say anything yeah i'm a i'm a big fan of live forever one thing that he's not doing is he's writing this email like already trying to get away with the murder rather than going out and looking for the puppy. So at the very least, I feel like this is a Billy Madison quote. Yeah, you get out there and you find that fucking dog. That thing's still alive. We got this email yesterday. All right, that's a brand new puppy.

Sure, it's in Australia where everything kills you. It's nudie. Yeah, now we're Australia where everything kills you. It's nudie... Yeah, now we're just yelling Billy Madison quotes. You can do it! That's from Waterboy. Huh? I know every single Adam Sandler quote there is. Come at me with your punch-drunk loves,

with your rain over me. I've seen them all. Little Nicky, It doesn't matter as long as it's from happy Gilmore or earlier. I'll know it. Here's a, here's a subplot of this. Um, of the subplot of this question is the fact that he like broke into the neighbor's yard to go skinny dipping with a girl. I would be too afraid to do that, but there are like certain moments where it's like like everything's getting hot and heavy like I've had someone drag me into like an unused conference room of a hotel

and like hey that sounds hot but also could be really really fucked up they dragged you like against you no no no I was etherized and dragged by my feet hung upside down from the ceiling and beaten within an inch of my life.

It was like a lady that I was seeing, and she's like, would you ever have sex in this room? And it was so sexy for her. And I felt bad to be like, no, I'm afraid I'll get caught and arrested. Ooh. I'm really turned on to get a cab

and spend 45 minutes getting back to my apartment where we can lock the door and turn out the light. Right. And that's what I feel weird and bad being like the bear of bad news when someone is feeling so frisky and adventurous. Right. But certainly there's like,

you have to draw a line somewhere. I might draw it much higher than most people. Your fetish is being really, really, really safe. Absolutely. I would jump inside of a condom if I could. I would be a condom. You're a condom, she's wearing a condom, there's a dental dam, and then you're both taking

Plan B for some reason afterwards. I'm using a grind guard just in case. I'd hate to get you pregnant and wear down my molars. Have you ever been to the point where like this cute, sexy, frisky moment and then you're like, no, I feel weird. This is bad.

No, I've had sex in public like in front of people before. But what if you got... Illegal though. What if you got arrested? Would you be okay with that? Would you be like, that's a hot, cool thing to be arrested for? Yeah, that would be fine. Would you get arrested for, I went to Seattle and then I accidentally had sex

in a conference room and then an Asian janitor caught me. Why does he have to be Asian? I'm just painting a picture. That is actually cool. Yeah. Asian janitor caught me. We started Eiffel Towering the thing. One thing didn't lead to another.

We end up in the drunk tank, and then we Eiffel Tower the police chief, believe it or not. Unrelated to this incident completely. Have you ever gone skinny dipping before? You know what?

I think I told this story once. I've been skinny dipping with you, actually. Yeah, we did it once in the ocean. But, oh, yeah, we did go fully. We were with other people, though. It wasn't just us. Yeah, there was one other dude. You know Rosie, right?

Rosie was the ocean. Yeah. And another example of how, like, prude I am, I once went skinny dipping still wearing my underwear. That's not skinny dipping. That's a bathing suit. But they were like, they were pretty sheer. Your honor.

This is you convincing the girl who's naked in the water. My little... This is really revealing, actually. You can see the pubes through the white. If that's not hot, I don't know what is. Where are you going? Oh, this guy killed a dog. Yeah, lie forever. Yeah, you murdered a dog.

You can't tell anybody. Would you say it's incredibly honest for him to go to the neighbors and be like, I went skinny dipping in your yard? Or would you say that's stupid? I feel like I could delude myself into thinking the dog didn't get out because the gate was open. He got out because the husband got into a fight with his wife, went out to the pub and left the door open behind him. Why does he think the dog was running around the backyard?

It's a newborn puppy. They're probably watching over it every second of the day. Honestly, they probably got the dog as a band-aid for their relationship. They wanted to break up. They said, we can't do it. We have to raise this dog. Who has to take care of the dog? They fucking

drowned the puppy in the pool. That puppy is dead and it's not your fault. That's what I'm going to say to this Australian gentleman. Todah. Now I want this ice and it's like, it's so... Maybe there's like ice at the bottom that I didn't touch. Yeah, read the next question.

Really? Is it that time already? What time is it? It's 10.06. I guess we are half an hour in. Why don't we do take a little break? Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer

support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday?

Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday? Interesting.

Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store,

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fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ad somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you Thanks for hearing Jake cry for an hour and a half That was really

Probably the most emotional 90 minutes of my life And I'm sure I think Jake appreciates it too I just can't believe the entire thing rhymed I like blacked out for a second It was really cool Alright We have entire thing rhymed. I like blacked out for a second. It was really cool. Alright, we have I love Toronto, yes I do. Yes, I love Toronto, and it's true.

All right. What a weird Canadian pirate shanty we made. I love Toronto. Do you guys know Stan Rogers? He's the greatest Canadian folk singer of all time, actually. And I'm a huge fan of his. All right, go ahead. We need another guy's name. Wait, wait, wait.

Let's get someone. We always hear these guys. Let's get someone from the back. From the back. I heard Jobin. I kind of like Jobin. That was it, Jobin. You heard Jobin?

Yeah. I was waiting until somebody be quiet and then we heard it. Jobin. Jobin writes, Dear Jake and Amir, I'm an 18-year-old and I will be starting my freshman year of college in just a couple days. Hell yeah. I have not really talked much with my new roommate.

The only thing we have discussed is what we will be bringing to the room. He told me he has a TV and I told him that I recently bought a futon. I'm not sure, but it sounded like he wanted... Who said, hey, I recently bought a futon? It was $99 at Walmart. I got a hell of a deal. An Ikeane. It's an Ikea Ikeane. I'm not quite sure, but it sounded like he wanted to set up the room

so that we would both use the futon across the TV. I do not plan on ever watching an actual television and would very much prefer to keep our sides of the room separate. I tried to hint at it, but I don't think my point got through. My question is, is there a way to politely let my new roommate know that I don't want to share my futon? Or will this make me make it too bad of a first impression? Any advice would be much appreciated. Love, Jobin.

Jobin. Jobin. Doesn't want to make a bad first impression. He's made a terrible first impression on me. This guy doesn't want to share an entire couch. That's the definition of a couch. It's a chair that you share. Yeah. This is actually a good couch pitch, though.

I don't know why we brought you back in after the Hyundai thing. Imagine a bench with cushions. Hear me out. So it's on my side of the room. It's facing the wall. Nobody uses it but me. Am I fair to say that this is how to use this futon? If you want a solo couch, then you have to

buy a chair. That's how it fucking works. I'm not going to watch your shitty TV. You don't watch my couch. It's the worst impression you can make. I only want to watch the Daily Show, okay? Once in a while. That means you can sit on my couch for 22 minutes with commercials. How big does he think a dorm

room is that he feels like he gets a futon to himself? Yeah, the room is already 80% bed. Yeah. And then 20% futon. Yeah. And you better not touch it. Do you remember your freshman year roommate, what should I bring

situation? Yeah. I called him. I said I was going to get a microwave. He was going to get a TV. Oh, you told him that? What if he's like, I called him. I said I was going to get a microwave. He was going to get a TV. Oh, you told him that? What if he's like, I already got a microwave? That would have been fine. Two microwaves, no TV. We're starting off the wrong foot, Hurwitz.

Or should I say, her bitch. I can't wait to meet you on Thursday. Hoorah! I moved in with a 48-year-old R.A. And the ROTC. He was a R-old R.A. And the R.O.T.C. He was a R.O.T.C. R.A. So, would you say it's okay to bring a futon and not let your roommate share it? I think in college, everything gets shared.

So, you better believe, like, if you think that your roommate's not, like, jerking off on your futon, that's going to happen. So, the faster he accepts that is going to be better for him. Yeah, I would hate it if my roommate, you're like, all right, hey, good news. I got a pretty awesome TV. What do you think you should bring, dude? And then you go, a couch.

You're like, oh, okay. We're already good on furniture. Maybe you bring a microwave or a toaster oven, maybe speaker. I'm going to be bringing a futon. Where would it go? In the fucking middle of the room. That's where the only non-bed part is.

You want to put a bed where the only non-bed part is. You bunk the beds. You have the futon. You get the TV. There's two desks, two tiny little closets. You both have the shower caddy. And you masturbate when each other is in class. That's college.

Jake would know. He went to five. Más o menos. What was that? Más o menos. I'm bilingual. What's so funny about that? What does that word mean?

More or less in Spanish. You little puta. All right. Real quick, don't tell them not to sit on your couch. True or false? Share the couch, you little asshole. Share the couch. You can't always lie down on it.

Futons aren't that comfortable. I swear, if I come back from class and you're sitting on the couch, my couch, that's a futon, by the way. It folds. It's a bed. This becomes this, and you can't have any of it. Not the back, not the couch, not the bed. Sit on the floor and watch your TV.

Bad roommate. Hashtag bad roommate. Bad you is correct. All right, here's another good one. Shit, I'm really correct. Here's another good one. I'm really sorry. It's another guy. Volleyball? I think I maybe heard somebody yell Dan. That's good.

Did somebody yell Dan? You did? You yelled Dan? I don't know. Dan's so boring. Let's just pick one person. Oh, that's good. We choose the person and then that person has to yell. How about that guy who's coming back to his seat? We should do that all the time.

This guy who's coming back to his seat. Did you just go to the bathroom? Where'd you go? For what? He wanted to vape. Alright, sir. If you can keep standing up and then yell a name at us. Wobbly Bob? Wobbly Bob. Wobbly Bob. That's actually a really great name, Wobbly Bob. You want to read this question? All right. Hey, guys, a few weeks ago, I was introduced to a girl, hi, through some mutual friends. We hit it off right away, and everything was going well.

Great. Heh? We made out at a party. Heh? Again. Great. She invited me to... Oh, we made out at a... Sorry, I'm a bad reader. We made out at a party she invited me to, and the texting slash flirting was going very smooth. Perfect. Heh? You're right.

Now comes the part that I wasn't expecting. Huh? That is where we're all hoping this goes. Now comes the part I wasn't expecting. As it turns out, a friend of mine has also hooked up with her. This was a while before I met her, so I didn't really have a problem with it. That was until I found out he fisted her.

Hey! A lot of question marks and exclamation points, too. My friend who did this wanted to be up front and told me about it. He didn't completely fist her, but he did get all of his fingers most of the way up in there there so it's basically fisting

Isn't it? They're all the way up Would you sleep with a girl Who you know got fisted by a good friend I like girls to be adventurous But the fisting idea doesn't sit well with me I apologize for the vulgar theme But this is sadly the

situation I'm in. I'm really unsure what to do, so any feedback would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance. Wobbly Bob. Wobbly Bob. Wobbly, wobbly, wobbly, wobbly, what? That's a good question, because

I'm not being like, hey, pound me. You know, like... Yeah. Hey, rock, paper, scissors, shoot. I got rock. This is not a fist. That's paper. That's paper.

That's honestly paper. Your girlfriend got paper, dude. We're some sort of cartoon dog. Yeah. So this isn't quite a fist. That's a hand that's a hand so talk to the hand your girlfriend got a hand and by a round of applause let's all give me a hand um i don't know what that you guys didn't have to do that you didn't have to do that i do appreciate it um when i read this i tell me this this is my theory half the people here thought anal fisting

half the people thought vaginal who thought anal okay so who knows that that's the dumbest thing you could think i i heard fisting and i was like oh you have a fist in the butt fisting is vaginal fisting is vaginal and then anal fisting is anal. And sometimes even anal fisting is just not. It's just this. It's the way he was talking. It's just awesome. Who said anal fisting is awesome?

And are you somebody that was anal fisted? Because it feels like the person that gets fisted doesn't think it's as awesome. They're like, that was an accomplishment. Are you famous DP Wally Pfister? Is that what you are? It is weird because it's like, I can get over a friend hooking up with an ex or a current girlfriend

even though every time I, like, I'm going to marry someone and then whenever I see my friend he can give me the fucking smug look of I fucked your wife like seeing your newborn son I fisted your mother I can get over the I slept with I hooked up with I don't know if I can get past

the by the way this was in your lady but this all five it seems like it was only four digits because it's like the last four digits of your social security Don't give that to anybody Would you be able to get over A friend fist

Yeah because this is thinner than my penis That's what's up You want me to prove it Oh that's your hamstring It was very thin. I knew where to grab. And I would love to be the friend that had fisted it beforehand. What an honor that would be.

Whenever I'd see the guy, I'd be like, yo, pound it. Come on, man. Pound it. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, make you smell. Anyway, how is the old lady? I'm a bad guy. Yeah.

Like in a movie, there's a bad guy? That's my character. I think it's fine. You think it's fine? You can get over a fisting? Yeah, I think it's alright. Also, this wasn't a fisting. It was a forefingering. Yeah, but you never want to get into that debate either.

Like, by the way, bud, you didn't fist her. All you did was take four fingers in my girlfriend's coochie. Oh, well, here's what you do. He says, hey, full disclosure, I fisted her. He's like, oh, you know what? I actually heard that. That was a really disgusting experience for my girlfriend.

And then that guy sort of crawls back into his own head. He's like, hey, you know what? I actually, I heard that. That was a really disgusting experience for my girlfriend. And then that guy sort of crawls back into his own head. He's like, hey, should I stop fisting people? Maybe when I finger people, it's more about getting them off instead of some weird sadistic experiment of how much I can fit. Yeah. Can I get my fucking watch to touch her clit? What a bad idea he has. I want your vulva to turn on the indigo on the Casio.

In my Apple iWatch. Yeah. You just say, oh, yeah, I haven't done that. Mostly I just get her off using two fingers, and I guess you took four and you couldn't do it, brother. Howdy doodle. That's really cool, man. Thanks, dude. Which two fingers

do you use mostly? Index? Yeah, index and... Oh, two side pinkies. I really like that. I hate it. I feel disgusting for doing this. No one take a photo, but also do take a photo.

And your thumbs are in a Chinese finger trap? Uh-huh. Can't pull them apart. Yeah. So, actually, this is on the taint. This is on the... Oh, my God. This is quite enough.

And then, uh-oh. I feel bad. The ring fingers wake up. You're doing shadow puppetry. And these are for the hips. Oh, Spider-Man. Yeah. Have you ever seen a dog?

Oh. Oh, wait, the JFL thing. Not even close, right? How tall do you think you are if you stand up? I assumed I was 12'1 in heels. Do you guys have time for one more question?

We're going long, but honestly, we love Toronto so much. You guys are the fucking best. I mean, Jesus Christ, what a thrill this is for you guys. Andy Bloom, nice dude. Oh, wait, I like the thing where we point to someone. The Game Boy? I don't know if the Game Boy's here. Oh, is he not here?

He might not be here. Because maybe he doesn't have his passport and he couldn't get into Canada. He had a DUI. He couldn't get through Canadian customs. Oh! Oh! That's it. Whoa! Oh, that's like

10 people that have never seen the show before. I am the Game Boy. What a pleasure. What a pleasure it is to be here in Toronto. Oh. That's all I got. And now do your Danny Zuko being happy to be here in Toronto. Oh, Sandy.

Very close to the Game Boy. That's actually not bad. Now Zuko as the Game Boy happy to be in Ottawa. Go Grease Lightning, you're tearing up the go-to-match. Grease Lightning, go Grease Lightning. You are supreme. The chicks will fist. Do we have a name?

Oh, wait. What about getting someone in the last row? Who's here at the last? The dead last row. Can we bring the house lights up? Is that possible? Is that so quick and easy, or is that a hard thing to do,

and then it'll take forever, and we can't do it because there's too many people. Nobody's actually on the lights. Just while we're working on it, can you guys play a stinger? Just play the Fetty Wap stinger? I want all the media going on here at the same time. Oh, the lights are going on. Wow, there's people back there. Look at those two.

What about the guy going like that in the black shirt over there? Yeah, you raising your hand. Do you want to stand up and yell a name? Okay. Wait, what's your name? Okay, and raising your hand. Do you want to stand up and yell a name? Okay, wait, what's your name? Okay, and what's the name that you want to yell? Sadiq. Sadiq, what's his last name? Fucking Rogerson!

Rogerson? Yeah. All right. Good Lord. Sadiq fucking Rogerson writes, hey, Jake and Amir, huge fan of all your work. I cheat on my girlfriend, and I think it makes me a better boyfriend. I guess.

I'm much more affectionate and much less irritable because of it. However, I do sometimes experience a pang of guilt. So here's my question. If cheating on your girl makes you a better boyfriend does it make it okay please say yes so I don't feel guilty anymore love the worst person on earth

Sadiq Doob's fucking Richardson Rogerson do you understand his logic though Dupes fucking Richardson. Rogerson. Rogerson. Okay, yeah. Do you understand his logic, though? I understand. You know what? I do understand his logic because that does happen. I, as somebody that cheats on girlfriends...

Actually, you know what? You can boo, but I'm going to tell you a goddamn truth. As somebody who cheats on their girlfriends all the time, when you do that, you wake up and you feel guilty and you want to be closer to the person that you just hurt. So Boo is correct. But you understand what the logic is. I understand, but what I don't understand

is that he's so deep into being backwards that he wants us to justify his bad behavior so that he doesn't feel guilty because there's this weird voice in his head where his parents succeeded even a little bit that makes him say, maybe this isn't a good thing. Should I stop? No, let me email Jake and Amir for now.

Yeah. And get to the whole fixing myself later thing. I mean, the premise is obviously flawed. Cheating on your girlfriend doesn't make you a better boyfriend. It actually makes you a very bad boyfriend. But in a way, if she doesn't know about it, if a tree falls in the woods, does it still make a sound? If she just feels like this boyfriend is being nice to her every six to eight weeks. Let's put that to rest.

It makes a sound, obviously. Correct? The tree falls down, it makes a sound. On a philosophical level, if nobody's there to experience the pain of being cheated on. There's probably like a squirrel that hears it. Good luck finding an empty fucking forest, dude. I like how logically you're thinking about this.

He should replace cheating with bowling. So every six weeks, he fucking gets wasted, goes out, and bowls. Then he comes back and he's like, I'm so nice to my girlfriend. He still gets to be nice to his girlfriend

every six to eight weeks. And then instead of feeling guilty, he's just getting better at bowling, which is actually pretty tight. What if he's bowling wasted? He's probably not that good at bowling. Well, that's why you're supposed to bowl. You're supposed to be wasted. That's why people do it. Cheers. Namaste.

That's actually fine. So, most of the time, when he's not cheating on his girlfriend, that's when he's a bad boyfriend, right? Yeah. So, when he's forgetting to fuck other people, that's him. He gets irritable.

Sorry, I just... I'm dealing with a lot of work right now and I haven't fucked one of your friends. What was that? My boss is hounding me and your friend Melissa didn't blow me. Wait, who didn't blow you? I'm just really overworked

and undercummed. What's that mean? So, in conclusion What do you think of the bowling instead of cheating idea? Bowling versus cheating? What's that? Were you asking me or were you asking the person that just yelled that bowling's not that cool? Actually, the bowling

You could still get off The ball has three very tiny holes And if you put your two pinkies in the little oh and then your thumbs in the the Gameboy's back it's getting hot in here

and that's the Gameboy fucking a bowling ball and that's what we've been building up towards all night is it not guys thank you so much for coming to our show i'm so happy to have been here thank you it warms our heart to see us so many smiling faces it makes us want to come back all the time so thank you so much for coming and applauding and laughing and partying with us um I don't know what else to say other than ta-da.

Let's just end with a little song. Okay. O Canada Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da True there was did all

our sons come in When in mourning hearts we see thee rise The truth, Lord, strong and free From far and wide, O Canada We stand on guard for thee God keep our land we stand God for thee. Oh, Canada, we stand on God for thee. Thank you. Or you're driving and you thought it was too dangerous to skip to the next podcast. Or maybe you're washing dishes. Yeah.

And you can't touch your phone yet because your fingers are still soapy. Lots of different permutations and possibilities, buddy. So you try to use your pinky knuckle, but it doesn't register. Stay focused. We have shows. Yeah. Minneapolis. We've got shows coming up.

Minneapolis, Chicago, Detroit. The Minneapolis one almost sold out. Chicago is a huge theater. We'd love to pack it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Detroit one almost sold out. Chicago is a huge theater. We'd love to pack it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Detroit one's not very big either. I think there's less than 50 tickets left for that. So get on that shit.

These are Thursday, Friday, Saturday shows. You have no excuse not to come hang. Yeah, if you are debating it, think about this. We've had a podcast for over three years, and we're just coming to the Midwest for the first time. Think about the next time we might do this. We've had a podcast for over three years, and we're just coming to the Midwest for the first time. Think about the next time we might do this. I'll be well, well dead. Oh, yeah, guys.

I'll be gone for years. This may very well be your one chance to see us if you live in these areas. So please, come on down. Party with us. Maybe we'll hang out after, take a picture or two. Oh, I'm definitely hanging out after. I'll hug some people or shake some hands, give some high fives.

I don't care. I'm trying to meet some cool bros or some cool gals to take me out in mini, shy town, Detroit,

the Motor City. You've never been to Detroit? Never been to Detroit. Ever? Have you ever been to Michigan? Yeah, I've been to Michigan, Ann Arbor.

Oh yeah, Ann Arbor's fun. Yeah. Shit, let's go to Ann Arbor, actually. That's a great idea. Yeah, so the Detroit show has been canceled. No, it. Ann Arbor's fun. Yeah. Shit, let's go to Ann Arbor, actually. That's a great idea. Yeah, so the Detroit show

has been canceled. No, no, it's still on. It's still on. We'll see you guys soon. Thanks for listening. Back next week. Bye. That was a HeadGum Podcast.