Segments - 238: Evolution

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

In this episode the game boy returns and we discuss wrestling, religion, and playing with fire. This episode is brought to you by MeUndies, BlueApron, and NatureBox! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. The world has turned And left you here The solution Does not seem near But don't worry

Cause help is here If I were you She can't help If I were you She can't be here If I were you She can't be here If I were you

Sure If I were you Joe I could have definitely told you that was your favorite If I Were You theme song of all time. Weezer, Weezer cover. I love Weezer. They've had other Weezer covers on this show, right? I think so. That was by Grant, who has a SoundCloud page called Grant Robertson 1.

And if we can plug it, that would be awesome. So here it is, Grant Robertson 1. It's all written with question marks. Yeah, what you love the show question mark um i think weezer is my favorite band because i like more of their songs than any other song any other band so i think the definition of favorite band is who has the most songs that you like and if you add them up and that's the most then that's your favorite band that kind of makes most songs that you like and if you add them up and that's the most then that's your favorite band that kind of makes sense to me another way to think of it is like who has written your favorite like two or three songs right so who has written more songs that you love

than any other band blink 182 is there even a close second or a distant second uh tom delong's other band angels and airwaves how many blink 182 songs distant second? Tom DeLonge's other band, Angels and Airwaves. How many Blink-182 songs would you say you love? Maybe Tom's other band, Boxcar Racer, was up there. Is it more than 15? You know, it's tough to say because when I liked Blink-182 as much as I did when I was in high school and college, I feel like they didn't have a song that I didn't like. I liked even their earliest four-track recordings

that even they said sucked. Yeah. So I wonder if I went back and if I listened, I would still like them. Wow. Because I was such a fanboy. Yeah. I guess it would probably make me feel nostalgic.

It's really hard to tell. It's funny because you say, your favorite band is Blink-182, but you haven't heard any of their songs in decades. That's not true. I've definitely heard their songs but like some of these songs you haven't heard since you were like a teenager oh yeah i guess there are there's probably some old obscure blank 182 songs that i used to like the from uh cheshire cat that

i haven't heard in 10 years more than 10 more than 10 how old am i now? No, no. Yeah. 21. Yeah. 20. Yeah. 10 years. Here's what I'm thinking. Maybe 11. Weezer cover album. We get people to submit every song in Pinkerton. We release a mixtape.

Is that what a mixtape is? I don't know. I think you... I don't know if you're... Can we charge for a mixtape? No, I think it's free. We have to just release it. Yeah, we have to release it for free.

So anybody who's excited by that idea, I want to release a Weezer Pinkerton theme song, If I Were You mixtape, where you cover every single song. I don't know how we're going to promote it. I don't know what that means even. But it'll drop. And then that'll be our way to meet Rivers Cuomo, because he'll sue us. Oh, yeah. And he'll have to appear in court,

stare me in the eyes, and tell me that I'm his biggest fan. Yeah. I, too, am a half-Japanese girl. We're actually running low on theme songs, so this is a call-out in general to theme song submissions. Don't make me go back to playing the theme song by myself.

If I were you, show at gmail.com for any of your questions or your theme song submissions. So send them all in. Be like Grant. All right. We haven't recorded in a bit because we had a few episodes banked

and then we were on the road in Toronto. We recorded that show. This is probably the first time we recorded in just estimating a year and a half. Whoa. Yeah. Since it was September 2015 is when we recorded last. So much has changed.

So much has changed. The election is in full swing. We've been all over the world, New Zealand, Australia, Toronto, and back. I really think we might have recorded more recently. Oh, you know what? Yeah. It must have been like a couple weeks actually. Yeah.

That's what I was going to say. Right. Maybe late September. Right. uh all right never mind then uh but we figured we can um i'm a little flustered sorry i totally had a brain fart i was off by 70 weeks fuck god i feel like such a fool for that. Oh, shit. You're not wearing shoes today. Oh, no. Okay. Fuck me. I am melting. You have Alzheimer's.

I'm having a Trump-esque meltdown right now. I'm yelling. I am angry. I am delusional. I actually have grandeur. I have grandeurous delusions. But we figured it would be fun to do another good old fashioned good old fashioned Game Boy episode

oh oh I have been summoned I guess we should rewind just a little bit to say that this is if I were you excuse me Game Boy slowly backing out of the room you came out a little bit too early Game Boy

I apologize oh back into this vent which I came out a little bit too early, Game Boy. I apologize. Yeah, just one second. Oh! Back into this vent which I came out of. This is a Fire You, an advice podcast. It's actually the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me, Amir, and you, Jake. And we usually come through these emails and search for a couple great ones.

Or sometimes we summon our friend the Game Boy, who will search random words out of the entire dictionary to find just a few of our great random questions in our email box. We have 14,000 unread emails right now. So there's a lot to choose from. So the goal of the game is to choose a word that doesn't appear in many questions, ideally just one.

Mm. Just one question. So does the Game Boy have a guess as to what word appears in only one of these emails? Debris. What? Debris. What? Debris. Spell it.

D-E-B-R-I-S. Debris. I feel like it's going to be a popular one. It's not a popular one. Really? Yeah. Yeah. You know what it showed up in like a touch of modern ad or something yeah nothing real nothing nothing no one's ever said the word debris in a in an in a question for us yeah

uh do you have anything else fuck it monkey monkey yes jesus christ uh all right an unread email Monkey. Monkey? Yes, Jesus Christ. All right. An unread email about monkey comes from, wow, nearly exactly a year ago today. October 16th, 2015. This person writes. Oh, wait. We need a girl's name. Hillary Rodham Clinton. Hillary Rodham rotten uh hillary writes i am a freshman girl in college and per usual the biggest problem facing me amid all these midterms is a dude i met

him at a party where he introduced himself and we realized we were in the same class we left the party and went back to his frat and hung out, played Super Smash Bros, Melee, of course, and it was a good time. Well, we kept seeing each other. One thing led to another and we started banging. It was exciting at first because he was one of the hottest guys in the sophomore class and one of the top frats here. Then things got weird. So one night I was asking him personal questions and I asked him if he believes in evolution. Random, I know, but I feel like that can say a lot about a person.

His response was, I don't see humans can come from monkeys. Whoa, baby. And in that instant, I realized it was simply not going to happen. Am I jumping the gun here? Can I potentially end a good thing because he doesn't support evolution?

I feel like you shouldn't even be in college if you don't. What do you do if someone like that disagrees on such a fundamental belief? Thanks for any help. Love you guys. Hillary. That's a pretty good question. Yeah, for a random-o. So, this guy does not

believe in evolution. Should you break up with someone? I had this conversation with somebody the other day. I don't think that I could date anybody that believes in God. Just, that's even, that's sort of a subset of evolution, but a lot of people are like, I believe in God, but not evolution. Right. Yeah, that's pretty, I think it's pretty rare that people are so religious that they don't believe in evolution. Yeah.

Evolution is sort of just like – it's a fact. I should say even religious people that believe in God believe in evolution. Yeah. They just believe that evolution – God made evolution. Yeah, of course. Yeah. He did everything by design, including evolution.

Right. Cool. Yeah. I think if somebody didn't believe in evolution, that would probably be a deal breaker for me. But maybe there's something that you can do, like give him an encyclopedia or something. Yeah, ideally Britannica, but we'll take what we can get. Encarta is fine. Here's the difference between believing in God and believing in evolution as I see it, this guy might have just been taught to say that evolution isn't good.

So he might be ignorant, not religious. So if he can, I think he can flip the switch where he does believe in evolution. If you're like, here's all the scientific theories and backings to be like, this is evolution. It's obviously real, right? And then he's like, oh, sorry.

I was raised in a small town and they're all like, it's not true. And I had to believe everything. Like, how can I tell if they're teaching me science and some stuff says evolution is not real and the rest of the stuff is also true. I can't tell the difference. But then if you believe in God, I feel like that's more of a fundamental spirituality within you that's like, you can't just present me with facts and I'm going to be like, oh, never mind, I'm wrong about that.

Right, right. So this guy might just be a little, I don't even want to say dumb, although it's like dumb's ugly cousin ignorance where he didn't learn correctly rather than he's incapable of gaining that knowledge. I see. Because he's a capable dude he's in one of the coolest frats at school i mean if you're in like the coolest like i understand if it's like

top three frat but if you're like legit in the coolest frat yeah like you can't be in beta and then also not believe in evolution right like that's that's what i'm saying more of like a delta thing yeah i wonder how you do cool frats. Do they just exist always or does a frat become cool if the people in it are cool? I think that like every year there's a new cool frat, like college football. I bet it's not every year because like what this cool group of guys, they're the ones that are choosing the pledges every single year. I bet it's a lot like college football.

Like our team is so good. We might not have the best team every year, but at least our recruiting class is really good every year that we're always competing for coolest frat. Yeah. We might have lost a game or two some years. There's a bad crop, and this is a rebuilding year for this cool frat. The interesting thing would be like, oh, man, I'm in Signu at Lehigh or whatever. This is the coolest frat at the school

and then you go you go to like uva and you visit that frat you're like all right brothers and then you're like oh no oh here that's the nerd frat what the fuck have you done to this chapter bro you let us off the hook that was like like some really low budget wannabe Zac Efron movie. Yeah. Written by a cool frat. Yeah. He transfers to a new school, joins his same frat, but they're like

the losers. I gotta whip these dudes into shape. I haven't seen Revenge of the Nerds in a long time, but that might be the plot of Revenge of the Nerds. No, dude. They don't transfer there there they're just a nerd frat they're the nerd frat the cool frat the nerd frat and the cool frat yeah um all right cool frat cool dude doesn't believe in evolution i say you fire one bullet you say by the way a lot of smart normal cool dudes believe in evolution just so you know you can also be

religious and believe in evolution here's the here's the science behind it and if the guy's like nah that guy's gonna be like um i haven't seen you in a year why are you bringing me this packet we're already married baby you don't believe in evolution anymore either uh yeah it's funny to not believe in evolution that's uh that's one of the first ones they tell you that is true yeah guys that's the one that's like they got the real evidence they got that science shit i wonder if you don't believe in evolution there's like a lot of other stuff you shouldn't believe in first like uh's a lot of other stuff you shouldn't believe in first. Dinosaurs?

Yeah, dinosaurs. Dinosaurs and humans living together. That was disproven. Of course. I think that's the annoying thing that it pits Christianity against science. Science should stop trying to be like, we're disproving everything you believe. They should just sort of i don't know you're saying you're giving science tips i'm just i'm wishing science was like a little more like a little less uh proud of disproving people's faith like well actually you're wrong but isn't

that what you're saying you're like i wouldn't date anyone that your science and everyone that you don't like is faith yeah yeah but i think that there's i think there's a difference between me writing everybody off and science at large doing so i feel like if there i wish that i just wish they could coexist a little bit more because then we could have religious people that believed in global warming do you know what i'm saying i think they do i think the the overlap is the people that say god exists and he made evolution that's like the way that's the perfect that's the perfect uh yeah justify both. That's the perfect... Yeah, that's the marriage.

That's the Venn diagram. But you say you don't even like those people. No, those people are fine. As long as they're not like... I wouldn't marry somebody that was religious, but as long as they're not saying that... I mean, even people that say evolution isn't real, I think they're dumb, but I think that's fine.

I think it's people that say global warming isn't real that it's... Dangerous. Yeah, yeah because now we're talking about the difference between dumb and dangerous like what if we elected someone that said global warming was a hoax perpetrated by the chinese that'd be really funny then it's back again and the loop is complete it goes from dumb to dangerous to hilarious. My God. I'd like to see somebody that said that then said he didn't say that. Yeah, of course.

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first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com?

That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

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Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. That actually reminds me, I have a good idea of what to search. What's that? A chef. Very nice. A question about a chef, perhaps.

A chef is a cool occupation. Yeah. I feel like if I could choose a cool occupation yeah i feel like if i could if i could choose a cool occupation to be um i'd go chef that that would be like hey can i set you up with my friend he's a he's a chef that's pretty cool i would go architect oh that's pretty cool too but architect actually takes a lot of school and effort i think more so than a chef i guess but if you could just choose yeah i'm imagining a scenario where you're just already the thing and you're good at it yeah that's good a lot of a lot of a lot of spam about chef um and a couple emails from people wanting

to work here uh maybe this person wanted to be a chef uh interesting here's an email about me being a picture of someone that looks like me very good which is fine which is good uh oh here we go here's a chef question let's see it dude all righty bernie sanders let's say writes dear jake and amir my name is bernie sanders long time listener and i've wrote in a few times but this is by far my stickiest predicament. I recently just started college, and I've made a few friends on my course. One of these is a girl who I'm starting to develop feelings for. However, I'm currently in a relationship with a girl who is in secondary school.

Her Debs is soon approaching, and naturally she is taking me. But I can't get this college girl out of my head she is funny she is pretty and she's a great chef we are both doing culinary arts in college there's some facebook stalking i found her but i can't tell if she's in a relationship or not her pictures show her with a guy but her relationship status is blank her name is we'll skip that uh my problem is should I break up with my current girlfriend and try and chase this new girl but risk the chance that she's in a relationship, thus meaning I've wasted a fun time? If you suggest I break up with my current girlfriend,

when should I do it? Before her Debs or after her Debs? Also, how do you break up with someone? I really need help with this one, guys. I appreciate it. Thank you. Love, Bernie Sanders. Wow. So this guy definitely is already broken up with his girlfriend at this point, right? Yeah. But this is a question that's evergreen.

When should I break up with this girl? Before or after? Do you know what this thing is? Debs? I bet it's something like British homecoming or something. Yeah. Debs dresses. Yeah.

Or some sort of, oh yeah, it's a British prom or Australiancoming or something. Yeah. Deb's dresses. Yeah. Or some sort of, oh, yeah, it's a British prom or Australian prom or something. Gotcha. A lot of questions from very specific to general after that. Yeah. So I think that this happens a lot. People write in thinking there's only two people in the world. Like, well, I have this boyfriend or girlfriend, but I like this one other guy or girl.

What do I do? Chase after this other person and lose this person or stay with my person? You don't, like, clearly the first thing you should do is not be with the person that you're contemplating leaving at the first sign of something gutter. So immediately break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Even if your options you think are just two

and you don't know which one to choose from, that's never a good sign. Totally. If your options are the person that you're supposed to be in love with or someone random, then you're not in love with the person. And that's fine, but you shouldn't delude yourself into thinking, like, the only reason I'm not in love with the person. And that's fine, but you shouldn't

delude yourself into thinking like, the only reason I'm going to stay with this person is because I can't get with this other person. Because that other person that you can't get with is actually like a billion people. Yeah, there's actually more people than her. Yeah. And there's a chance that if you can't be with her, you can be with literally anybody else. Yeah. So you, and especially when you're in college, when you go to college for the first time and your girlfriend or boyfriend is still in high school, I'm sorry, it's just over. I apologize. It's over. I really do.

I feel badly for saying that it's over. I was there too. I've been there before. It's over. Yeah was there too. I've been there before. It's over. Yeah, learn from our mistakes. If you suggest I break up with my girlfriend, when should I do it? Before her Debs or after?

This is kind of you're fucked either way because you do it before. How could you do this with me before the prom? Are you insane? You do it after. So why would you stand in pictures with me? I mean, if it's me, do not go to this fucking Debs. You're going to be a downer because you won't be into it.

And then your girlfriend has to, like, she's going to get all these photos from that night, and she's just... Your prom photo is something you hang on to, like, forever. And she's just going to always see it as the day before she got debbed at the Debs. Yeah, so do it as soon as possible. Let her get over it. Her friends are going to be there for her. There'll be some

fun photos for the Debs for her to look back on, and she will not remember you in 10 years. So everything's going to be fine. You're not a Blink-182 song that she'll be able to recall after a decade. And then real quickly. How do you break up with someone?

How do I do it? I'm sorry. It's just like I don't think this relationship is working out for us right now. Why? I don't want to give you less than you deserve. How can you do this to me? Debs is tomorrow. This is freaking Debs we're talking about.

You're a Debsie downer. You're ruining Debs for me. Yeah, it's a hard conversation to have, but it's also part of being a human. So it's going to be exciting when it actually does happen. Yeah, dude, you're a freshman in college. That means you are going to break up with way, way more people. So you might as well get your practice in now.

I'm a breakup machine at this point. I know how to do it. Boom, easy, easy in, easy out. First breakup I had took like three months. The next one I had took a year. Yeah, it sounds like you're getting worse. Yeah, well, those are the first two. And then since then, you know.

Two years, five, and then one year. Last one I had was two hours. Oh, that's really fast. Not too shabby at all. And it was over Snapchat. Oh, yeah. Which is so cool. Big time.

Yeah. Story, too. Not your ex snaps. Public shit. All right, do you have another term to search? Yes. Does the Game Boy have another term? Oh, oh.

Pipe dream. Oh, that's pretty good. Thank you. A double word. There's a few, but there's one really good one. Really? Or just based on the title. My OkCupid crush wants to be a pro wrestler.

Great. I wonder where Pipe Team comes in here. Another lady, Jill Stein. Fuck that. Michelle Obama. Love that. Don't you go out there voting for a third party candidate, you little... This is not the election for that.

Michelle Obama writes, I've been talking to this dude on a dating site for weeks now. He's really nice, and we talk a lot about deep shit together. Some of what we talk about includes whether or not God exists, what happens when we die, and our political beliefs. He's very smart, articulate, and fit. He seems like he cares about me, and he always says how much he likes talking to me. Pretty cool, right? Well, of course there's something weird about him. His greatest passion in

life is pro wrestling. His life goal is to be a professional wrestler. I really hoped he was joking when he first told me that, but he's completely serious. I hate to bash his dreams, but I've always thought of people who like pro wrestling are stupid. I realize it's bad to stereotype, but the fact that he wants to be a pro wrestler makes me think less of him. He's in his early 20s and spends a lot of his money on wrestling classes. Should I try to convince him that he should be putting money towards going to college so that he can have a real career? Or should I just ignore the fact that he's wasting his time on this pipe dream what up thanks love you guys um i like

two two great questions from girls this episode yeah and they're also like very thematically relevant like one was a girl starting to date a guy in college the other was a guy starting to date a girl one is like oh this guy believes it doesn't believe in evolution a guy starting to date a girl. One is like, oh, this guy doesn't believe in evolution. This guy wants to be a pro wrestler. When do I change it? When do I end it? What do you think? You think she's being too harsh on this guy, or do you understand where she's coming from? I guess a little bit of both.

I think that it's a big problem to not respect somebody's career choice i don't think that being a pro wrestler is it's not uh i don't know if it's it's not like the most respectable career but it is there's something good about dating somebody with uh that's a dreamer he's got lofty ambitions for himself totally and it's like a fit it's it's not just i'm sorry i'm kind of, I'm trending towards pro, pro wrestling. In the last couple of years, I've noticed that a lot of more people are starting to respect wrestling and more respected as like a art form that's like a physical and like good i guess theater almost it's like theater but also athletics um shout out to my friend jesse who's a huge wrestling fan unabashedly so and we do make fun of him a lot so i understand where this girl's coming from but he's also uh convinced me a little bit like teaching me about me about, like, professional wrestling. Writers is now a thing.

ESPN is now starting to cover wrestling. I've met other wrestling bloggers, writers who are, like, really smart guys. So I know for a fact that people who like pro wrestling are not stupid. We actually have a wrestling podcast on our network called We Watch Wrestling that's growing in popularity, which is a great sign of how popular wrestling is becoming. So if you are a wrestling fan, you should listen to We Watch Wrestling. Wrestling is almost like video games where like from the outside you look and you're like, oh, video games is like sort of a lame hobby. But then you look at, you get a little,

you dive deeper and you're like, oh, this is a huge industry. People like make a lot of money. People are really invested in it. Yeah, it's easy to dismiss pro wrestling and video games. I mean, you could easily dismiss baseball, too, if you discount the fact that it's an American pastime. And I would say wrestling is harder than baseball. No, it's not. Well, that's a debate for another day, for sure. But, I mean, a lot of pro wrestlers have gone

on to do great things uh and a lot of wrestling fans yeah uh the jesse ventura's uh he was a governor and the rock will be president one day goddamn right but there's a difference between liking wrestling and wanting to be a wrestler i don't know what I respect more. Like, being a wrestling fan, I am ready to forgive that. I know a lot of smart wrestling fans, of course. Wanting to become one is a different issue. I feel like the acceptance has to be related to how good they actually are. Maybe if you're actually liking this guy, if you're feeling him, like, go to one of his wrestling classes,

like, see him perform, like, talk to him about it a little bit. And if you feel like, oh, you know what? He does have the talent and the athleticism and the build to make it as a professional wrestler, that could be really cool.

And it's almost like, you know, somebody tells you they're really into comedy and you go and see their show and they fucking bomb. And you're like, oh, you're so unattractive to me now. But if they've got a spark and you're like, oh man, this person's going to make it, then it's like super sexy. I guess it's any occupation. Do you respect the person in their field? Yeah. If you were a chef and i and i went to your restaurant and they gave me food poisoning i don't think you can be with someone if you think what they do is bad like if you're dating an artist of any sort and you see

their stuff and it's not good i think that's not that's that's not a good situation i guess it's all about being good at whatever you choose to do even if you are dating uh an accountant and that's a little more harder to quantify unfortunately well you just look at their paperwork yeah it's all he's always constantly getting sued i think you're bad at accounting i don't know is that a thing sorry everybody you've ever done taxes for gets audited and they have they owe a lot more money uh but if this guy is taking up pro wrestling what if he's really jacked so if he's really jacked and then he's also smart articulate and fit like you say this guy this guy might be good to go i hope you haven't broken up with him

yet uh should i sit him down and say that he's wasting his time on pursuing this pipe dream? It's probably not a good look. He's liked wrestling more than he's liked you. So I don't think you want to make him choose between the two. Would you say that's accurate? Yeah, I would agree with that. Give this pro wrestler a shot and send us a photo of him. I want to see if he's like a Triple H like huge wet scary kind of guy yeah what if he's like an x-pac like the kind of guys that are just like

wiry with really long hair for totally if he's an x-pac you can uh dump him but if he's triple h you put a ring on his thick fingers if you can find you're gonna have to buy a bracelet to fit on his finger who's the one that said suck it? That was all of DX. That was X-Pac and some other people. X-Pac. I think Triple H was also in Degeneration X. Oh, they all said suck it.

The Road Dogg. Or somebody else, whatever. They were all good. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience.

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Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Do you want to get to one last question? Let's do it. You got a word for us? Oh, shoot. I have to have the word now.

God, the pipe dream was so good. Chemical? Oh, shoot. I have to have the word now. The pipe dream was so good. Chemical? Ooh, chemical. Chemical. Ooh, there's a good amount. Okay, I got two good titles for you. Ooh, actually three good titles for you to choose from. Ready? Yeah. Do you want to answer

Female in Engineering, Whiskey Dick Escape Plan, or double debauchery help? Double debauchery help. All right. Another lady. You got another lady in your life? Another lady? Wow.

I love it. What's Tim Kaine's wife's name? What's Tim Kaine's wife's name? What's Tim Kaine's wife's name? We could call her Melania. What's that? Melania. Oh, isn't it weird they're all married to a Melania? What are the odds of that?

Really? It's Anna Holton is Tim Kaine's wife's name. All right, let's go to Anne Holton. I like that better. You received an email in the early hours this morning from my friend with a guilty conscious, writes Anne Holton. She had sex with her brother's best friend in an alcohol-fueled mistake. But alas, she is not the only one to have faltered so spectacularly last night. In what was probably the most hazy of drunken nights, I was involved in a pretty steamy spooning session with a past flame.

To be clear, we didn't have sex, but there was a fair bit of fumbling. This is bad news as I have a boyfriend. We've been together for six years and I have just moved in together. I know I love my boyfriend and I want to be with him, but this has made me feel really confused. I don't even particularly like the past flame guy. We just had some pretty intense sexual chemistry. I guess chemical also search chemistry. I'm pretty sure I'm the worst person ever now. I've never done anything like this before. I don't know how to handle. Please help.

Any advice? Thank you. Ann Holton. She did the old, we didn't have sex, we didn't kiss kiss we just snuggled yeah the half the half fine the snuggle you can't get that mad we just snuggled i guess you always feel guilty if you want to fuck somebody really badly so close that you put yourself why do you ever put yourself so close if you if you know you're not gonna do it if you know you're gonna get burned don't spoon a fire all night.

Yeah, I touch fire all the time. Just leave. I like to see how close I can get. Just to see if I can take the pain for a little bit. Sometimes fully submerging myself in the fiery pits. You're a monk that is emblazoned himself in gasoline. I think it's, I don't know if this is advice, but you always feel the most guilty the next day. When you're hungover, you're feeling sorry for yourself in every possible way. Yeah, because you don't even feel good physically.

So just wait it out. That's all I'll say. Just wait a few days and then reevaluate if what you did was really, really wrong. Right. If it's eating away at you. So that's basically like saying, hey, listen, I know you feel bad now. Soon you won't feel bad.

Yeah. Unless you do still feel bad. But I mean, the thing is like, you know, bad luck a little bit, sure. Yeah. But you didn't fuck anybody you just fumbled you just had a steamy spoon session yeah which of course is gonna fucking make your boyfriend very very upset but at the same time is it is it worth like fucking up a six-year relationship where

you're about to live together yeah so why don't don't you, why don't you... Don't do what you did again. Right. But what are the odds that she never does this again? I don't know. You didn't, she didn't fuck anybody. She didn't fuck anybody. You're yelling. All right.

I'm saying, I didn't fuck anybody. All we did was fumble. Jesus Christ, get off my back. So why don't you, God, I don't know. I don't want to, I don't want to say it was nothing, but it was also not the worst thing, as you said. Wait a few days, you say, until you don't feel bad anymore. But then won't you just do it again? Isn't the one thing that prevents you from doing it again, feeling bad?

Well, I mean, as long as she can remember how bad she felt when it did happen and not bring yourself to that point again. Yeah. Until you're drunk and that completely masks that guilt. So if she went to another party and this old flame was there and she proceeded to get trashed and fumble with him again. Yeah. Then it's like, okay, well, you're getting trashed, so you'll fumble with him. Like when you see him, that's your trigger for getting drunk enough to make a mistake. And then you shouldn't live with your boyfriend.

But I think this one, I'm going to go on record and say I'll give her a pass for this one. One pass. One pass. And then next two strikes, you're out? Yeah. If it's with this guy again. Everyone gets one pass per person? One pass per person. Wow per person wow no no i've made so many deals

with yourself i can't follow the rules deals with the devil so i think no per person per city no all right here's here's what it is it's if she does it twice with this guy game over if she does it three times generally then then strike then you. Okay, so three strikes, you're out. As the rules in baseball. Per rules in baseball, three individuals, you're out. Okay? That's it. But two of the same, also out.

So that would be a cool baseball rule. If you get caught looking and swinging, that's a strikeout. Oh, that's cool. Two different kinds of strikes, you're out. Or three strikes total. By this rule, wouldn't it be if you look twice, then you're out? If you, like the same kind of pitch. Or if you swing twice, you're out.

Because there's only two different kinds. Right. So the third strike would have to be the same. So you swing twice, you're out. Oh, yeah, that's good. Yeah, yeah, that's correct. Swing twice, you're out. Because there's only two different kinds. Right. So the third strike would have to be the same. So swing twice, you're out. Oh, yeah, that's good. Yeah, yeah, that's correct. Swing twice, you're out. Or look twice.

Or look twice, you're out. If it's the same type of strike twice, you're out. Yeah. You shouldn't be getting fooled twice on the same pitch. Yeah, and don't spoon with the pitcher, the batter, the bat, the ball, none of it. eye-fuck the ref, the ump, but that's it. Only third and first base umpire. Don't turn around, because that guy's standing right up. And you're allowed to finger the third base coach,

because that's sort of funny. The umpire behind home plate is the spooner, really. He's the big spoon standing right behind the batter. That's true. All right, that's it. That's our baseball analogy. Thanks for listening, everybody. If you have your own questions,

send them on in, if I were you, at gmail.com. Good news for those of you who have been clamoring for a bonus Thursday episode. I think we're going to have to do a bonus Thursday episode this week. If you didn't get enough now, we'll be back on a short week in just a few days. See you on Thursday, baby.

And speaking of Thursday, we would be silly not to mention once again, we're going to be in Minneapolis on Thursday. Minneapolis. You ever seen us? Come see us again. If you've never seen us, make the drive to the Twin Cities, baby. And then Chicago on Friday, Detroit on Saturday. Tickets and all that info at ifireyoushow.com, jakeandamir.com.

I liked that theme song so much. Let's hear it again. Grant. Wow. With the world has turned if I were you theme. What's his SoundCloud? Give him a second shout out then.

Grant Roberts won. Oh, yeah. Grant Robertson. Ooh. Grant Robertson won on SoundCloud. There we go thanks Grant thanks for listening

we'll be back soon bye peace turns and lets you near. The solution does not seem near. But don't worry cause help is here. If I were here, Jake and

I, if I were you, Jake and I, if I were you, Jake and I, if I were you Would you be kind to me? If I were you Sure that was a hate gun podcast