Segments - 239: Cousins

Episode Date: October 20, 2016

In this episode we discuss new names, new apps, and digital scales. BONUS THURSDAY Episode brought to you by Squarespace and PetNet! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. What's with these Mondays getting me down? Why do they make me beef? God, what I need is two decent guys To help me to seize the cheese Ooh, but if I were you Ooh, if you were me

Ooh, I would email it Two Jews, one looks just like Buddy Holly Oh, and Jake's married to Alan Moore I don't care what they say about my problems I don't care about that No, I don't care about that Nice! about that. No, I don't care about that. Nice.

I look just like Buddy Holly. Yeah. And you're Barry Tyler Moore. I accept it. That was written by Emily Jane Peters. And we can find her on the Tubes, which I think she means YouTube. Fair. I'm glad I called out for more Weezer parodies.

I forgot that I can just sort of put things in the ether and our talented fans can do them. Yeah. Yeah. So, like, is there anything you want to ask for now that, like, people are listening to you? I guess a Blink-182 cover would be good. Yeah, that would be nice to hear. Also, if everybody Venmo'd me some cash. Oh, that's like as

a tip or like uh not a tip it's the still the same money you're still getting money you just i don't want their charity yes you do you just don't want to call it charity i just want the cash why what's the bad about it? Just at least being called gratuity. Don't call it gratuity. Like I'm their servant? I don't think so. Oh my god. They work for me. So you want them to give you money and then

think about it in a way where it's not considered tip. Where I'm still king. A king can still take... That's probably one of the king's biggest Yeah well that's good We'll call it their dues Oh like they owe it to you

Yeah that's it Now I'm happy Now you're talking Now you get it You finally understand Blumenfeld You egghead You dipshit Thanks to Emily Jane Peters for writing that song.

This is a bonus Thursday episode. Also on Thursdays, we forgot to mention this last time, we're releasing videos on our HeadGum Facebook page and YouTube page. Yeah, we're making videos, folks. So far the series is called Jeffrey the Dumbass. It's about our intern Jeffrey and the premise is that he's a dumbass. Very well put together, though. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. He has the air of someone who's very capable and not a dumbass. But what he says... He should be taking over the world on the rise, a young man on the rise. But then sometimes he just can't walk. Yeah. So check those out on Facebook.com slash HeadGum or YouTube.com slash HeadGum. But this is our first bonus Thursday episode in a while.

It's been a minute. Jeez. I don't even know how to act. The vibes are completely different. Thursdays are so much more exciting than Mondays. We're recording this on a Wednesday, so this is going to be out tomorrow, correct? Yeah, tomorrow. Which means tomorrow we're also going to be in Minnesota.

Oh, shit, that's true. So there are some people listening to this. Mini soda. Remember that from the Jake and Amir episode? Oh, yeah, Minnesota? How about a mini soda? How did you get a soda that small? How did we get a soda that small?

I think they straight up made them that small. Oh, like Coca-Cola did? Yeah, they had little mini ones. Yeah, yeah. I remember I wanted it to be like thimble size. Oh, even smaller still. made them that small uh oh like coca-cola did yeah they had little mini ones yeah yeah i did i remember i wanted it to be like thimble size oh even smaller still i wanted it to be like a dollhouse soda or like uh one of those small cute ketchup or like sriracha things or is it no it's a hot sauce thing they make really small bottles yeah yeah that but a coca-cola classic yep i'll drink to that blink uh we are in minnesota i should say

uh our show tonight is in minneapolis then tomorrow chicago the day after detroit that's right and then what the hell are we supposed to do what are we going to do with our lives what happens after that or when we're done with the like when we come back are you talking about like after party or are you talking about like... I guess we should talk about after parties. But I was talking about the sad reality of not having another tour planned. Yeah, I guess we go back to Australia. That'd be great. All right, great.

Thanks, man. Sweet. Appreciate it. So this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Joshua. I'm Joshua, too. I'm Amir. I'm Joshua. I'm Joshua too. I'm also Joshua. I changed my name actually. Oh, I thought of a good fake name for me. Oh yeah? Yeah.

Pretty exciting. What do you think of? All right. Forget everything you knew about Amir. Introduce yourself to me. Hey, I'm Jake. Hey, hey noah oh god it's trying so hard noah noah i know uh i know uh yeah i guess because it's old testament so it's still jewish but still cool sounds like you play acoustic guitar yeah um it's jewish by accident yeah you and it fits with blumenfeld i think totally if it. You could name your son that. That'd be cool for your son. But you can't take that name. Oh, come on.

I'm sorry. It's going to be fucking wasted on my twerp of a kid. Okay. Hey, it's going to be all right, Noah. Noah. Well, I don't know. I give myself the name Noah, and then he can get something shitty like a mirror. Yeah, so it stays in the family.

God, my parents fucked me so hard. When he's 33, he can be smart enough to change it like his old man. Noah. God, Noahs take charge like that. They don't give a shit about how much shit costs. I don't think Noah's a very alpha male name. But I'm not an alpha male guy. Right, but I'm saying he doesn't take charge of anything.

Oh, okay. He's like an easygoing dude. Yeah, so easygoing that he actually went to a courthouse to change his name legally. But- You probably did it online. The one thing that doesn't work is like Jake and Noah. Not as good. No, that's more of a band.

Jake and Noah. Or Noah and Jake. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. All right. So these are, as always, real emails from real people. Concerned citizens. Confused pretizens.

They're seeking our advice, our wisdom, our guidance. We're going to do our best to provide it for them. These are questions. Jake's going in blind. These are four questions I found last night. Yeah, I had shit to do this morning, so I didn't, I didn't. Well, you also texted me saying you overslept and that you didn't do anything this morning. Uh-huh. Yeah.

I'm actually a little hungover right now. All right. This is written from a female in Australia. Oh, like I just mentioned, we trying to come back, honey. Oh, wait, this is a guy. Okay, still, we trying to come back, honey. An Australian guy's name. Hugh Jackman. I feel like we've done this before, but whatever.

What else is there other than, oh, what about Heath Ledger? R.I.P. Heath Jackman writes, I'm a 20-year-old male from Sydney, Australia, and I've got a question that will require equal parts of your expertise. I live on campus and therefore have the chance to meet a lot of people from overseas, and let me tell you, there have been a fair few of you European dimes staying over here. However, that's not the point. There's this one American girl that I've known for eight months.

Keep in mind that I'm not attracted to her whatsoever, be it mentally or physically. However, the other night she got drunk and could not keep her hands off me. She kept grabbing my dick, and after I repeatedly told her not to, my basic thinking with my dick instincts kicked in, and she ended up blowing me. Walking home that night felt extremely weird, but she sure did suck a mean dick. Now she continuously messages me about fucking her and asked to come over nearly every night. Most of the time I make up excuses. However, I'm wondering if I should just smash and dash considering she's only in the country for a few

more weeks. Is this wrong knowing that she likes me and I have zero feelings for her? I'm not attracted to her, but I'd rather get a root and boot than just sit at home masturbating. Love, Keith Jackman. He doesn't have a girlfriend, right? No, he just feels bad because he doesn't like this person. Oh. You're confused.

You can't even understand where this guy's... I don't even understand the premise of the question. Not have sex? What is that to not have it for no reason? Your nose is bleeding. You can't even compute. She's only around for a couple weeks You don't have to root and boot

You can root and she's gonna boot That's what I don't get If she was around for a long time I don't think it's right to just like Fuck once and never Be in touch with that person again But if she wants to have sex with you And she's gonna leave the country

You might as well just have sex for a while. Well, I'll play devil's advocate. One, it's leading her on. She's getting like this, oh, this guy's into me vibes. Okay. Can I combat as you do this? Okay. You want me to save it for afterwards?

Yeah, give me the second one before I forget it. Two, if somebody is annoying to you a little bit now, it's going to be a lot annoying to you later. More texts, more calls, more like, I can see a world where she's like crying or like opening up to you, like, how could you do this, getting mad. So there's a world where she can get mad or upset at you. May I play angel's advocate? You may play angel's advocate you might play angel's advocate uh first of all i think it's putting feelings on her to say she likes him too much uh and like fucking her is

gonna lead her on and make her like him more uh she very well just might be an american girl from from the states came over to uh australia because she wants to fuck a strapping australian and she just wants to get it done so like she grabbed his dick she wants she wants to fuck a strapping australian and she just wants to get it done so like she grabbed his dick she wants she wants to get fucked that's gonna happen and she might be like i don't like your personality at all i think you're you're the worst but you i just need it to fuck so like they they actually might have more in common than they think. Okay. That's happened to me before. Two, I can see, I concede that usually when you're unattracted

to something about somebody, as if you like dig deeper into this relationship, it's going to be worse than you think. Yeah. But I also think since there's like an end date to her time in your country,

then... That definitely makes it seem more appealing. I feel like that's the thing that's like, all right, at the very worst, she can't like walk into your apartment one night because she won't be living in the same hemisphere. Yeah. So in that sense,

I understand that it's giving him a very finite end date. So I can understand the gray area. But I will say that sometimes it might not be worth it. Like if somebody you're really not attracted to wants to have sex with you and you find her very emotionally and physically unattractive, it might be better to, as he says, just sit at home and masturbate. Yeah, I guess if you're emotionally and physically unattracted to somebody,

there's not much of a point in having sex. I would just challenge his assertion that he's not attracted to her because he did get an erection when she gave him a blowjob. Yeah, but then he said that she's really good at it. So maybe that's an attractive quality. As long as there's one redeeming characteristic, you can go for it. What would you do if you were him?

I would have had sex with her that night. And then, again? Potentially. I don't know. Probably. Sober meet-ups, hang-ups, or just like this, I'm drunk and it's late and I might as well check in on her. Probably more the drunk and late night ones.

Yeah. I get that. Ain't nothing wrong with that, though. Yeah. As long as everybody's cool. As long as everybody's on the same page. Yeah. Nobody's taking advantage of anybody.

We're all an equal understanding. Yeah, why don't you just be completely honest with her? Be like, hey, you're great at having sex. page yeah nobody's taking advantage of anybody we're all we're all an equal understanding yeah why don't you just be completely honest with her be like hey you're great at having sex that sounds great i just don't want to lead you on in any way that way yeah you you're experiencing this thing a little more guilt-free if you are feeling guilty at all maybe that's what i would do i don't know that is what you would do it's hard to put myself That is what you would do. It's hard to put myself in the mind of a sexy 20-year-old Australian male.

I mean, my God. Can you imagine? Imagine his hair. Long and blonde, probably, right? Just like Heath's. All right. Why don't we answer a female question?

About time. Do you have a lady in your life? She's 19 and, let's say, American. Oh, right. I was just trying to think of Australians. Yeah, but not all these people are from Australia. Demi Lovato. That's really good. Is she 19? Seems like it could be. Hey, guys, I need serious help, writes Demi. I'm 19. And I've been with my boyfriend for two years. When we first started talking, my boyfriend and I both agreed that we wanted to get married young. Recently, we haven't been doing that great at all. I don't feel like he cares about me at all and is only staying with

me because breaking up is inconvenient, although he says this isn't true, so obviously I'm confused. He's also said that he's changed his mind about marriage and wants to wait until he's 30. And I don't want to get married now, but I'm not dating anyone for 10 years. I'm just not. Now, this is where it gets sticky. I met a guy on Whisper, and we really enjoyed talking to each other. So we moved it to Snapchat. It soon escalated to chatting nonstop and then calling.

Recently, he told me he loves me. He doesn't know that I have a boyfriend, and my boyfriend knows that we're friends, but not to the extent it's gotten to. I don't want to end things with my boyfriend, especially because things have been great as of recently. But he's afraid to step up, and I don't want to date a man-child, and I definitely don't want to date him for 10 years. This guy I'm talking to loves me, and I definitely don't want to date him for 10 years. This guy I'm talking to loves me, and I love him too. Oh, no. I just think that, and I love him too.

I just don't think that I love him. 10 different people wrote this email. I just don't think that I love him romantically. Recently, I told him that we should just be friends, and while he seemed cool with it, he backed off about 90%, and I miss him. Should I wait for my man-child boyfriend to step up? Or should I tell him that if he doesn't step up now, then we're done and explore my Snapchat guy further? I don't want to lose either, but I feel like I'm in a position to lose both. Help!

Thanks, guys. I hope you don't think I'm a terrible person. Love, Demi Lovato. I don't think you'm a terrible person. Love, Demi Lovato. I don't think you're a terrible person. I think you're incorrect in much of the way you handle your business. It's hard. She's a teenager. What the fuck is Whisper?

Isn't Whisper the one where you, like, don't know who you're talking to? Wasn't there something where, like, you're chatting but anonymously with strangers who happen to be in your vicinity or something like that can i look it up yeah sure i think i think it came up in a podcast where it's like you arrive in a city and then like it just opens a chat window and it's like kind of like uh the chat roulette thing where you are chatting with someone but you don't know who exactly they are and they don't know exactly who you are

but then if you like them, then you can move it to a more permanent thing like Snapchat. That's sort of assigned to your actual person. Are you downloading Whisper right now? God, no, not downloading. I'm just reading about it. And? You're correct.

Allows users to send messages anonymously and to receive messages or receive replies. Users post messages known as whispers, which are displayed as text superimposed over an image automatically retrieved from Whisper's own search engine or uploaded by the user. It's kind of like Tinder, but everyone's matched with everyone. Everyone's talking to everyone.

Post Secrets used to be that popular blog where people would just post their secrets. Anonymously, yeah. Right. It feels so good to get it off my chest in a way that doesn't actually implicate me in any way. That sounds like one of the most dangerous fucking apps because it's like, oh yeah, everything's anonymous, but it's not.

Someone knows. It's all connected to your fucking phone, people. This is not anonymous. It can become unanonymous at any time. Zark Fuckerberg probably knows because Facebook's investing in it. Jesus Christ. I mean, like, you text it. Everybody's seen, like, the iCloud get hacked and people's emails get hacked and you said things you didn't want to say there.

But, geez, you literally use this to post incriminating things. That's right. Not anonymous. It's like putting a note in a wall. Oh, except it's fucking attached to your ip address and your phone number anyway um good lord good lord anyway this lady is i would say romantically confused she's she's a teenager so i feel like she's feeling all these things all at the same time. I love this guy.

I don't like this guy. My boyfriend, I want to get married. Maybe I don't. I think everything is firing and the synapses are going off all at the same time. And she's like, depending on her mood or time of day. Yeah. I mean, one thing is clear. You date somebody from 17 to 19 and then you start thinking about other people.

You fall in love with somebody you meet on Whisper and Snapchat. Then that means your relationship's not necessarily built to stand the test of time. And it's good that you're finding out now instead of 10 years down the line when you're thinking about actually marrying with somebody that you've been with for 12 years and it's not going to last then either. So the thing to do here is break up with your boyfriend and not because he couldn't step up and not because he's a man child he's a man child he's also evolving and he's changing too just like you are and it sounds like you shouldn't be in a relationship because he is changing his mind

about when he wants to get married you're falling in love with strangers over anonymous apps you guys just should not be together yeah that's good that's good. That's fine. This is what I'll say. If you're really meant to be, break up and then down the line after you've explored other options. You'll reconnect on Whisper. Yeah, reconnect on Whisper, Snapchat. Once you're a fully formed adult, I'd say like who you are at 17

is so different than who you'll be as a grown up, quote unquote, that it's silly to tie yourself to someone at that age because like, let's say 35 is who you'll be at age 60. I know. Actually, it feels,quote, that it's silly to tie yourself to someone at that age because, like, let's say 35 is who you'll be at age 60. I know. Actually, it feels, I think that's kind of, there's something to that theory.

I know a couple couples that, like, were together when they were young. Yeah. And they spent, like, college and post-college apart and then, like, reconnected. Oh. And I think that's really important to, like, have that growth. And you think that, like, oh, I'm not going to want to be with this person after they fuck a bunch of other people. Right. And you know what? Sometimes when you're like 28, 29, 30, you're mature enough to realize that that doesn't actually matter who they fucked.

If anything, it helps them grow and mature in a way that you couldn't because they're dealing with life and love and breakups and heartache. I feel like that's the new high school sweetheart is that, You know, like our parents were high school sweethearts, went to college or went to prom together, got married young. Now it's going to be like, they were high school sweethearts. Of course they broke up for, you know, a baker's dozen years. And now they're back together. Hooked up with a ton of other people. I mean, my mom was everywhere.

Oh, my goodness. My dad was a pimp from 22 to 30. Couldn't tie him down, but then my mom came back. Two real swingers. So why don't you do that? Why don't you give that a shot? If you love something, let him go. I have a feeling if you just got rid of your boyfriend for a little time,

you hung out with this Whisper guy, there's a chance you won't like him either. Oh, yeah, but think about all the other people you can meet on whisper and tinder and snapchat like oh my have a ball yeah have a ball and have them all uh but we you're not a terrible person right i don't think she's a terrible person but i do i don't think that you can put your breakup on your boyfriend it's it's on you you're going distant you have you have met somebody on whisper and didn't stop it moving to snapchat and didn't stop it moving to phone calls and are keeping this he's a man child you're keeping a like a pretty bad secret

from your boyfriend right now so like you're a woman child yeah no i don't i just think she's putting a lot of blame on the boyfriend for like why she's straying from the relationship. And you should just accept the fact that it's fine that you've done that, but it means that you shouldn't be in a relationship. Also, calling someone a man child isn't really an insult when they're actually teenagers. That is a man child. Definition. You're the man of children. Now that I'm 31, when people insult me and say that I'm acting like a 19-year-old, then it hurts.

Yeah. But a 19-year-old acting like a 19-year-old, that's pretty good. That's accurate. That's fine. Status quo. At worst, he's an 18-year-old, a slightly younger man-child. All right. Let's take a break.

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Yes. And I do have an affinity for the silver and black. So if you like football as much as me, which is not likely because I do know a lot. Like, do you know what a nickelback does in a cover to defense? Or like, do you know what a play action pass is like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kings pick six apps select between two and six players

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There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes.

So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday?

Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah.

Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain hell yeah so again you go to squarespace.com slash segments segments you save 10 off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace and we are back what up what up uh you you wanted to mention Oh, yeah, that guy that came by the office.

And we're, so we're on, we're on a new podcast app called Laughable. Do you know what Laughable is, little buddy? Yeah, it's a, it's a podcasting app to discover, help discover new comedy podcasts. Right. So you just download it on your iPhone. And then not only do they have like every episode of If I Were You, it's also a nice – because the iTunes store is kind of confusing. So this – it has like every HeadGum podcast right there on the Laughable app. And the final cool thing that they do is like if you like listening to me or Amir or Jeff or Dave or Mike, you can click on that person's profile. Oh, right.

And it shows every podcast that they've ever guested on. And he had to do that by hand. There's no algorithm to find that. Yeah, he's just an insane man. So I clicked on my name, and it's like every time I've ever been on my mom's podcast, or every time I've ever been on the fantasy basketball podcast, or every time I've been interviewed, even with you or not.

Even in non-Hedgum podcasts. Because if you go to Hedgum.com and the People's page, that's all the times you appeared on a Hedgum podcast. Right. He does every podcast. Scarborough County dudes. Yeah, exactly. Or if you want to hear more like Ben Schwartz,

it's like him on Comedy Bang Bang and him on our show. So if you're looking for an easy way to discover new podcasts, comedy podcasts, Laughable seems to be a cool way to do it. But what else? What's going on in your life, man? Let's see here. You sprayed the old ankle? Oh, yeah. That was new.

I played basketball and I jumped up for a rebound. So a basketball game that didn't matter. I was trying to get a rebound that mattered even less because it was such a small part of that game. And then when I landed, I landed on Billy's heel. Billy's the strongest man we know. Yeah, and it crushed you. And I rolled my ankle. I landed on my foot sideways, basically. And I fell to the ground. I was an adult sort of trying not to scream in pain. I don't know if you've ever felt extreme, instant, surprising pain. I broke my heel.

Right. But I thought you said even when that happened, you're like, oh, that was, it didn't feel as bad as it actually was. I didn't writhe on the ground. But I mean, that was like probably the most painful thing I experienced in my adult life. Yeah. So I land, I twist, I roll my ankle. I'm writhing on the floor, squeezing like my ankle area. I don't know.

Natural instinct. And someone said the first thing I yell, which I don't even remember was, Oh, sorry, guys. Like for stopping the game? Yeah. This is going to be an inconvenience for a little bit. My first instinct when I was in the most pain I've been in forever like for stopping the game yeah like this is gonna be an inconvenience for a little bit my first instinct when i was in the most pain i've been in forever was to apologize to everyone else

for ruining their game and then they're like no it's okay it's okay i'm like oh really and like i just like flashing forward i'm like all right i can't go out tonight uh i can't i really hope i can walk by the time the tour starts fuck i just two to three four i don't know if it's broken i don't know if it's broken i don't know how inconvenient this is oh man like when you're when you're getting sick you you have like a few like hours or days you're like i think i'm getting sick i can mentally prepare myself oh no i think it's happening you try to stave it off yeah oh it's here the ankle injury is just like i'm fine everything's great i'm playing basketball And now I can't walk for a few days.

And I don't know. And it's confusing because like, did you hear it pop? I'm like, I didn't hear it pop, but it felt like it popped. Did it pop? I don't know. Is it broken? Is it bleeding? Is it bruised?

It's like getting struck by lightning. Just like one second, everything's fine. Next, everything is in shambles. Yeah. It's like, I've never dealt with like personal tragedy, but it felt like the low stakes version of that where it's people like, I don't know, one minute it was good and then the next it just all went away. They say it never happens to you.

Right, exactly. So it was like that, but just with my foot hurting. I'm carried off the court by Billy and Oren. They bring me to the sidelines so they can continue their game. I'm sort of just on my back contemplating how bad this is.

Is it broken? Do i have to go to the hospital excruciating pain that during that uh that i'm like squeezing it and it's sort of like throbbing but subsiding so like it was like a pang of pain and then just like a slow throb you're thinking like oh i can walk this off this is yeah maybe i can like limp off it's either like i can limp off or like i broke it and i have to to get a cast and crutches for weeks. Oh, man. Laying down, I tried to stand up. I can't stand on it. I can't put any weight on it.

Billy then has to take an ace bandage that somebody had and wrap my heel, ankle around it, because he knows how to do that because he plays rugby. I don't know how to wrap my heel because I've never played a sport where I injured myself. Of course. Then Billy lifts me up, basically. Fireman carry. Borderline fireman carry. Again, all the way home. All the way, basically a quarter mile to my car. So they're lifting me up and I'm like... Could you drive? Because of my left foot. Oh, it's your left foot that you hurt. They basically plop me in my car. I'm driving with my right hand. My shoe is

off. I get home. home i'm parked you know like 30 feet from the elevator and i have to hop on one foot all the way home holding my shoe and i was thinking how sad it would be and like how this probably happened once where a guy is hopping on right his right foot and like he rose yeah like that's i've been more than one thing for sure that's so sad uh then i get literally i when i was when i had my broken heel and i was i used to hop upstairs on my left foot there was one time where i twisted my ankle and it hurt for like it was it was pretty painful but it was one of those things where you're just like you know also sometimes when you twist your ankle you can you're like oh fuck and then you walk off

you're like oh yeah yeah i just tweaked it i dodged a bullet yeah that's yeah that happened to me and i was i went through that same like worst case scenario thing like holy shit wheelchair i don't even wheelchair which is actually might be a step up from the scooter you had oh yeah i would have loved to be in a wheelchair but you someone has to push you everywhere especially motorized or you get like yeah that's they gave you a wheelchair at the airport i pushed you around in the wheelchair oh that was incredible just absolutely incredible everywhere i went i act like we went to a museum i think in london everywhere i went that like it felt like should have a wheelchair i used to ask if they had a wheelchair because it was such an upgrade it was so nice why stand when you can sit yeah uh then i got home my my i took off the bandage and it was

like kind of like that scene in batman where the joker like took off the bandage and it was like kind of like that scene in batman where the joker like takes off the bandage and sees it for the first time huge swollen ankle like it looks like there's a little grapefruit underneath the skin i send you the photo because we're supposed to go out dancing that night i was at dinner when you sent me that photo oh no wait not at dinner i was at i was at lunch uh with two of the people we're supposed to go out with that night and i just just like looked at my phone and was like, oh! And I showed it to them

and each of them had the same reaction. It was so swollen. It was so weird. It was like, I guess when your body is hurt, like it sends fluid to like protect the area. And it was so like banged up, maybe ligaments strained or torn or whatever, that there was like a pocket,

a bubble of fluid to protect it. I really felt like someone was pushing a tennis ball out from inside my ankle. It was so big. It was so disgusting. And then I'm like, I think I can't go out tonight. I have to lay down for 48 hours. It was really sad because it was Shabbat Shalom motherfucker dance party at Booty LA. A Jewish-themed mashup party,

which was basically like a second bar mitzvah that I missed. Fortunately, you went on without me. I said you should be brave and go on without me, but I really wanted you guys to not go. We had already bought the tickets. Yeah. Three days later, feeling fine. I can walk on it now.

Now the swelling has gone down and the bruising has gone down. You can't run and jump on it, though. Yeah, no running and jumping. Does it hurt when you walk on it now. Now the swelling has gone down and the bruising has gone down. You can't run and jump on it, though. Yeah, no running and jumping. Does it hurt when you walk on it? It feels like a bruise, not so sprained that I can't walk. That's good. But now it's starting to get cool colors. It's purple and kind of yellowish green.

I'm looking forward to the next steps of it. Did I heal super fastly? Sure. That's kind of impressive, actually. A lot of basketball players take weeks off. And I think I diagnosed myself with a grade three sprain, which is legit fractured bones. So you diagnosed yourself based on how bad you thought it hurt. Yeah, it killed.

So other people that have more of like a high tolerance for pain might have called your sprain. Absolutely. Grade one, if not anything at all. I see. And now I'm fully recovered. Bones completely healed. Well, it was never broken. Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows? But I'm glad to have survived. Good work.

Enough about my problems. Why don't we answer some other people's problems? Very nice. Including a 17-year-old from Canada whose name is? Justin Trudeau. Justin Trudeau writes, I'm 17 and I accidentally ordered three packages to my old house. I moved five months ago.

One of those is a digital scale for selling weed. What do I do? All the packages will arrive in separate shipments and I would like to minimize my interactions with my parents about this. Thanks, bitch. Oh, he sent them to his parents' house. Yeah, that's... Did you ever have that scale? I did.

Didn't you, like, sell weed? Yeah, when I was in high school or maybe, like, a little in college. I can't remember. Did you have the digital one or you had that real shit? I had a digital one. So it was like you put it on and then it says how many grams or ounces yeah and then that's a cooking scale people use it for cooking as well you can measure out coffee grinds on that thing yeah this is you talking to his parents well i would just i was measuring oregano it said a pinch of turmeric and i didn't want to overdo it you're

getting into high-end coffee grinding and that they'll buy that. I'm an espresso man. Yeah, I think it's fine. So you just say you're using it for different purposes. I'm using it to cook. And your parents would believe you if you told them that? I don't know. They'd have to. Because I'm their little baby.

You have to buy the lie. You have to believe the lie. All right? You have to buy the lie. You have to believe the lie. All right? You have to buy the lie if you want to abide. The fib is fact. That's good. Yeah. The lies become truth as you believe them to be so.

And then you're unimpeachable. You haven't actually used the scale for weed yet. There is no evidence. You say, fuck it, fine. If you don't believe me that I'm going to use this to cook, then return it. I don't even care. And then you ship the thing to your actual house. The other two packages are a grinder.

And two pounds of marijuana. Yeah, I was using the weed to cook coffee. Which is still bad. That's honestly worse. It still gets you high. All right. There are ways to basically lie about it. You can, and I mean, I don't know how recently you did it,

but you can also contact the shipping facility and have them reroute the package. Getting real technical about it. Real MacGyver. All right. Let's answer one last question. Fair enough. Let's about it. Real MacGyver. All right. Let's answer one last question. Fair enough. Let's do it.

College student living in Europe. Named? Harry Styles. Yes, dude. Harry Styles writes, So I started university a month ago, and I plan to meet a girl there who's my cousin's cousin. I've been talking to her for a month now, and we seem to be getting along real well.

I'm starting to like her and was wondering if I could move forward with her or if, in her mind, the idea of being related, not by blood, meant we could only be friends. Thanks for the answer. Cheers and to-da. Love, Harry Styles. Cousin's cousin?

Yeah, which could be your brother, but I think he means cousin's cousin in the opposite direction right right like a married a cousin's married to a sister whose cousin is this yeah i mean in the olden days that's who you had to marry you know this is you telling your friends listen i mean my options are limited uh back in the olden days that's considered the best thing best possible outcome i feel like olden days, that's considered the best thing, best possible outcome. I feel like when you meet somebody that's like this close, but also this far removed. Yeah. It romances on like everybody's mind.

Oh, really? Like it's a weird forbidden incestuous thing? I don't know if it's like forbidden and incestuous, but it's like the first thing you do is be like, wait, we're not actually related by blood. I don't know. Maybe I'm just fucked up. Would you be down? I don't think I know any of my cousin's cousins. I know, but hypothetically, you met a cousin's cousin, and they're not related to you.

Oh, yeah, of course. You'd be down. Yeah. You wouldn't be afraid. Yeah. I would be so anti it. I would be like, all I'm thinking about is explaining to people, my friends, how we met. Like, yeah, it's my cousin's cousin.

Oh, my God. No, not like that. Not by blood. But still, the damage is done. It's a stigma. My cousin's cousin. You just say family, friends. But someone will fucking find out that it's a cousin's cousin.

And then you'd be like, why does that matter? It's my cousin's cousin. It's not my cousin. I don't know. It it just feels wrong there's like a stigma attached to it i'd rather not even deal with it ever fine she's a 10 did you know that did you know that she was a dime i know and i feel bad i don't know i i feel so weird about it i can't get over it it's sort of like what can you get over if you really don't care like it didn't even seem to phase you at all oh yeah you actually answered the question thinking it was just the cousin what can you get over if you really don't care? Like, it didn't even seem to phase you at all. Oh, yeah. You actually answered the question thinking it was just the cousin.

I mean, it's not like my sister. Right. Jeez. Cousin's cousin, that's not relation. By the way, your cousin's cousins are your sisters. Think about that. Yeah, I mean, I understand. Oh, my God understand oh my god you fucking don't even do not bring my sisters into this yeah imagine your cousin uh yeah i mean you never met like let's say you're i can't imagine my cousin's cousin because i don't think i've ever met my

cousin's cousins it would be you know like how it's your mom's sister or your dad's sister's – which cousin are you closest with? I love all my cousins equally. We'll say my cousin Madeline because I think she listens to the podcast. I don't know if she still does. That's your mom's sister's daughter? My mom's brother's daughter. Right. So if Madeline's mother, who is my aunt but not by religion. Right. So if Madeline's mother,

who is my aunt, but not by religion. Exactly. Had a sister. Had a sister. And that sister had a different husband. Yeah, different husband. So far,

so we're completely out of my family's bloodline. And that had a daughter. That family, those two humans had a daughter. Yeah. And those two humans had a daughter. Yeah. And she was really beautiful.

Yeah. And you're like, yeah, we're both Madeline's cousin. That doesn't freak you out a little bit? No, it's funny, if anything. We both have the same cousin. Cousin Madeline. And now we're fucking? It's a little weird.

Yeah. I mean, it's a little weird. But it's so like. yeah i mean it's a little weird but it's so it's so like not enough to stop you i just feel like it we it weaves around every obstacle so perfectly stuck the landing yeah it's it's it's completely fine it it checks every box we're all good on every front yeah you it wouldn't slow you down at all it's i it's kind of funny. Does it give you pause? We would both have the same aunt. Yes.

Which is funny. The way you say it. It's all funny. You're amused by it. So many people had their first kisses with their cousins in the garage during family reunions. It's definitely a thing. Now you're getting a little too close for comfort. Well, I mean, I would never do that.

No, of course not. All right. Call it kissing cousins. Yeah, both of the K. All right. So if I were you, I would not do it. Jake would do it. Sounds about right. That's sort of like the answer to all of our questions.

Jake says it's cool. Amir says proceed with caution with such caution that you're not doing it anymore dive right in alright cool that's it bonus Thursday episode in the books thanks for listening

I don't know what else to say we're on the road this weekend hopefully you can come out and hang out with us if not we'll be back Monday with another regularly scheduled podcast. Yes, tickets still on sale for our three shows. So if you're on the fence, I don't know why you've stayed on the fence this long. Jakeandamir.com is the tickets for everything. Oh, shit.

The email address, if you have your own questions, is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Opening theme song was a Weezer cover. Closing one, also another Weezer cover the closing one also another weezer cover hey yo let me look who did this one uh uh uh uh yes uh josh no joshua on soundcloud wrote this my name is jonas cover interesting i introduced myself as Josh with this podcast. Josh, no Joshua, though. SoundCloud. Thanks to Josh. Thanks to you guys.

Thanks to... I read that as Josh? No. Joshua. Oh, so it's the opposite of what he wanted. And Emily was the one who wrote the opening theme song. All right. We'll be back on Monday. Bye.

Cheers. My name is Josh. This is a year we give advice for anyone to hear oh don't you know if i were your show it's a podcast that's

so damn hashtagged out. Send your questions in to these two Jew friends, and I guarantee you'll laugh your ass off. So make sure to tune in every week to listen to these funny guys speak. They may make fun of you, But only if your rat has hope Rat has hope If I were your show I can't do the hey. I'm sorry. That was a Hate Gum Podcast.