Segments - 24: Braces

Episode Date: September 26, 2013

In this episode we discuss whether or not it's ever okay to hide your flaws, steal money, or hit a woman. This Bonus Thursday episode is made possible by HuluPlus! Check out HuluPlus.com/Amir for a free trial of thousands of TV shows and movies. Every click helps! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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time only. Let's pause it. Okay. Redo that intro, right? No. No. I don't know how to do that. Oh my. Another bonus Thursday episode brought to you by HuluPlus.com. What? You know how much you guys love TV and movies?

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Yeah. And this is a hotel. This is Thursday. You weren't getting a podcast on Thursday until Hulu Plus came along. So if you like having a Thursday podcast, everybody's just turning it off. No, no, no. Come on, come on, come on. Sorry about the voice.

I'm sorry about the voice. Okay, look. But the sentiment still stands. All right. We'll have a Thursday episode thanks to them. So thank you, Hulu Plus, and thanks to you guys for promising to check it out. You really did promise. You swore to us.

Yeah, you swore to us, and you really are going to let us down. So if you can check out huluplus.com. We've been hurt before. Slash Amir. Check him out. Support us. Support the show. And enjoy this episode.

It's a fun one. Shut up. Okay. Okay. about support us support the show and enjoy this episode it's a fun one we uh shut up okay it's the best in the price you can'm gonna tell you what to do If I were you If I were you Wow, I like that one. That's soothing. It was okay. Hey, welcome to If I Were You, the only... No, see, it worked.

It soothed you. The only advice podcast on the internet. This is NPR. It sounded like MGMT. Oh, yeah. Control yourself. Take only what you need from it. We have to stop singing on this podcast, huh?

Why? I don't know, because I think I feel... Because legally we can't pay for the rights to the songs. No, we're not allowed. Yeah, that's definitely illegal. We have to just change the words. Also, that's another theme song where she called us dirty Jews. Did you?

Oh, that's weird. Yeah, that's a weird thing that it's okay. I feel like we never said that to each other. So it's sort of... Is that an inside joke, or is it just people being anti-Semitic? They seem so close to us, they can

razz us about that. You little dirty Jew. Excuse me. Excuse me, Lucy Cooper. I don't think you're of my religion, actually. Yeah, I don't think that's allowed, Lucy. Sorry, Lucy, you actually can't call us a dirty Jew. You dumb woman.

Especially because I'm only half Jewish, okay? No, that's not why. Oh, it's offensive. I'm just saying, like, you're a dirty Jew, and I'm half Christian. I'm half normal. No, no, that's not. I never. Yeah, there are no Jews named Lucy.

I know for a fact that Lucy Cooper, who wrote that theme song, is not Jewish. I never went to a bat mitzvah. I've been to probably a hundred bat mitzvahs, not once for someone named Lucy. That's right. Although I do like the name Lucy. Yeah? Lucy's nice. Lucy in the sky with diamonds.

Wow. Really? You're good at that. You mean it? Yeah. Cool. I really mean it. I really mean're good at that. You mean it? Yeah. Cool. I really mean it. I really mean it sarcastically.

I was nervous you were meaning it sarcastically. Yeah, I mean it really. Yeah, I mean it really sarcastically. My fears have come true. You really razzed me on that shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You insulted me, then you relieved me, then you insulted me worse. Yeah, I didn't relieve you. No. You said, you said, you said, you said, wow. I said, I really mean it. You were like, oh, please, please. You were like, oh, wow. And I was like, oh, that hurt my feelings.

You were like, you're really good at that. And I was like, oh, thank God. And then you were like, I'm saying it sarcastically. And it's sort of just like, it was more than a gut punch. It was a goddamn wake-up call. Yeah. Anyway, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet that's also hosted by these two Jews. I'm Amir.

Dirty Jews. And I'm Jake. You're dirtier than me. Only right now. And always. Yeah. Sorry. You don't value showers as much as I do.

I like... Yeah, you're right. Fine. I'm sorry. I don't even know why I'm defending myself. I like, yeah, you're right. Fine. I'm sorry. I don't even know why I'm defending myself. You're a very clean person organizationally. Yeah. So why can you go three days without showering and be okay with it?

I could go, I mean, I could go a week without showering and be okay with it. And I'm sort of the other way. I'm sort of messy, but I need to shower at least once a day. Yeah. You also like, I mean, I don't wash my hands. I'll eat off the floor. Yeah. I don't know.

Germs don't bother me. It's more like, it's my organization. As long as I'll eat off the floor. Germs don't bother me. It's more like... As long as they're organized, the germs. My organization comes from having a bad memory. I like to know exactly where stuff is all the time. Oh, and I have such a good memory that I can keep my place and my brain scattered. It's kind of true. As long as I'm clean.

Yeah. I know where everything is in my pockets right now. I could tell you the order of the cards in my wallet. Really? I believe I could. The order of the cards? What do you mean the order? Like the business cards?

Yeah, I could. Here's my wallet. Let's see if I can do it. Okay, so the first one facing me is? My ID. Correct. Second one facing, be right behind that. AAA card.

Correct. Third one? Gym membership. Yeah, that is true. Fourth one? Oh, there's a fourth one? Well, there's another layer. Oh, the next, yeah, yeah, of course.

The second tier, yeah. The next layer, I believe, is my IAC access card. Correct, four for four. Followed by my credit card. Yes, that for four. Followed by my credit card. Yes, that is true. Followed by my debit card. That is correct. Yeah.

Nailed it. Six for six. I could do the other side, I think. Oh, yeah. There is another side. All right. Flipping the wallet over. Metro card.

Correct. What the fuck? Now I'm second guessing myself. I believe behind my Metro card would be my health insurance. Yes, Aetna. And then my dental insurance. No. Oh, no, it's the car insurance.

Then your car insurance. Then it's dental? Then it's... Do I not have my dental card? No, you do not. I lost it then. See, that's how I know. Okay, so what's after your car insurance?

Then it's Starbucks. You got two more cards. Yep, Starbucks. And after your car insurance? Then it's Starbucks. You got two more. Yep, Starbucks. And then one more card, REI. Nailed it. I know. 10 for 10. No, I missed the dental.

No, it's okay. It wasn't in here. Anyway, that's our show. Thanks so much, everybody. Join us next time where Jake guesses the bills in his wallet. You want to see something really impressive? I actually memorized my credit card expiration date and pin code on the back. Here we go.

One time, 858-515-333-8586. You think if you gave away your credit card number right now, your number and your expiration date, a lot of people would start charging shit to it? Probably. At least just to see if it's real or you think that... You know what this is? Sorry, it's just it was bothering me. The new health

insurance. This covers my dental and medical. It used to be two cards. So you had it both. I fucked it up. And now you're gonna spend the next three minutes reorganizing your wallet. Because as I was taking the cards out I was putting them on the table. really kills you so i know exactly which way they have to go

but you know what those cards are really dirty and you're gonna eat a sandwich later without washing your hands and that's fine right as long as it as long as it makes you actually sick physically ill that's fine as long as they're in the same order well like it's no i'm sort of like a teacher you know like teachers have really great immune systems because they're around sick kids all the time yeah i just don't care about, but I very rarely get sick because I just build up immunity. Because you're around Jeff and Dave Rosenberg all the time. Yeah, Jeff Rosenberg is a giant germ. He has the disease of 35 kindergartners.

Jeff, I believe, has chicken pox right now, which is insane. Chicken pox and smallpox. He's tested two for two on the pox right now which is insane chicken pox and smallpox he's tested two for two on the pox exam uh did we say what the name of the show is uh i think so yes we did this is if i were you this is the longest intro ever anyway the way this podcast works is that we uh accept emails from people who are in dire straits and they need our advice. They don't necessarily need our advice. They just need any advice. And we do our best to offer them what we would do in their situation. And hopefully it helps them out.

Yeah. That email, if you want to email us in, is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. That email is just open to you. It's open to the public. First ever public email. And anyone can use it. White people, other other miscellaneous no more christians though christians and etc can use it and uh yeah you can even submit your own

theme song lucy cooper did that she called us it was hers was borderline not even want to say borderline was anti-semitic yeah she's part of the hitler youth or something we still played it so you can imagine how open we are. So please send those over too. And all right, let's get to it. Let's get right to it. As always, these are real emails from real people, but we're going to give them fake names to preserve their...

Anonymity. Anonymity. Anonymity. All right. Anonymity. Here we go. One time. Hi.

Oh, this one's from LeBron J. Hmm. Interesting. Hey, guys. Just started using Tinder after I heard you guys talk about it, but I need help with my profile. I'm 21, and I have braces. Should I let the braces show or hide them? I don't want to fool people the first thing I do, but I still want those swipes.

Help me, Jake and Amir. So this is a— Tinder owes me money. Can we all agree? Tinder owes me cash. thing I do, but I still want those swipes. Help me, Jake and Amir. Tinder owes me money. Can we all agree? Tinder owes me cash. I really feel like they either owe me cash or snatch. Cash is equal snatches. Cash is equal gashes.

Oh, I hate that word for a vagina. That's what Streeter says. What? Gash. Mad gash. Well, I mean, he doesn't say it normally. I mean, he makes fun of people who do say it. I like cash is equal gashes, though. That's really fucking gross.

But even to zoom this out even further, it's like if you have a physical thing about you, everyone has a physical thing that they don't like. The question is how much can you hide it in a picture, and is it worth hiding it because they're going to find out about it eventually? Right. I think you just got to own it, bro. I mean, I wouldn't do it like main like main picture also when do you get your braces off maybe don't join tinder till they're gone oh how dare you sorry i'm just kidding i was a late braces

user actually wait didn't you have braces in college i i had braces 11 10th 11th and then 12th grade and i was gonna have them throughout college And I had to sign a waiver I was like, I don't want braces in college And he's like, you're still about 3-4 months away from having a perfect bite I'm like, that's fine, take them off I don't want them in college I remember I wore braces for 8th, 9th

And 10th grade And when they got My braces got taken off My dog ate my retainer, and then I just have crooked teeth again. It's crazy. My dad spent so much money. No, your teeth are good.

I mean, they're fine. But they got perfect. This is what they looked like before braces. I mean, I guess maybe it was a little more crooked. But Jesus. It's weird that braces are, like braces seem like a medieval thing. Like we shouldn't still have braces.

They should be able to like surgically reorganize my teeth. And then in two weeks. They can do that. I think that's are, like, braces seem like a medieval thing. Like, we shouldn't still have braces. They should be able to, like, surgically reorganize my teeth. And then in two weeks. They can do that. I think that's way more expensive. You get veneers. No, I don't want veneers. I want you to, like, mold. I want you to physically move my teeth into a straight fashion.

And then for, like, two weeks they're sore and then they're set. It's torture. It's crazy. It is torture. Do you have a spacer? Do you have a spacer on the top? Oh, yeah. With the retainer with the key.

God, that was dangerous. I swear to God, I got that. I had that i had that for like i don't i also don't know how long i had it now because like time moved so slowly i think i had it for forever i might have had it for six months and it might have been two weeks i have no idea i just know it was miserable and an expander that's an expander i remember i ate a chocolate muffin the day i got it and when i came off there was still chocolate muffin in it. Oh, God. Just like six months or maybe three weeks of just... What about space?

You called it spacer, but for me, spacers were little rubber bands they put in between your teeth. Well, there was a jaw spacer and then regular spacers, I think. Mine was called an expander. Oh, jaw expander. That made me look too. And you put it... It's like a car roof on your route. It's like a metal tin disc.

All of our fans in England are like, what are, sorry, I don't understand. I don't get what orthodontistry is in general. I remember when, my mom got braces when I was in high school. Whoa. She like, she needed them. Mama, hey mama. Did she ever get back to you about being on a show? No, but didn't that episode just come out on Monday?

Yeah. She was in Tennessee. I think she hasn't listened to it yet. on a show? No, but didn't that episode just come out on Monday? Yeah. She was in Tennessee. I think she hasn't listened to it yet. Yeah, okay. But what the fuck, mom? I remember she picked me up from school and she had the braces, and I was so unsupportive. That must have been not easy as a 40-year-old. Mom's a loser.

And I saw it. I was like, oh, no, they're so bad. I feel guilty about that to this day. But yeah, orthodontistry is like such a medieval torturous thing. Like you crank your teeth slow. Once a month, you crank them into a tighter, more different position. And then like for the next day, you just can't eat. They hurt?

Yeah. It's like, oh, I have a toothache on all my teeth. Right. My whole entire face hurts. For a day and a half, I can't bite. Because it's filled with metal also like if you if anything ever happened to your lips they would just bleed because your lips are just oh they pressed against the sharp metal in my mouth i feel i a lot of my face and

it was like gushing blood and it's just i just had scabs for a fucking week a lot of our fans are like listening to this with braces and I hope this is making them feel better. Or maybe it's just making them feel a ton worse. I mean, yeah. It's one of those things that really doesn't get better. It's just going to suck every single day until they're gone. But then when it comes off, your teeth are going to look great for six months. And that's it.

No, they shift back. No, they do not shift back. Your teeth aren't perfect anymore. No, they're not perfect. But how they were were really bad. They were really crooked. Fine. And they are not shit that. Your teeth aren't perfect anymore? No, they're not perfect, but how they were were really bad. They were really crooked. Fine. And they are perfect, actually.

No, my teeth are perfect. They really are perfect. Except for the fact that when I smile, the gap in between my two front teeth don't align with the gap in between my two bottom teeth. Other than that, it's pretty much... Look. Look at me. Oh, yeah. Also, look look how open that's so weird like i have you're not moving your jaw at all that's just yeah i have like an overbite where if i eat a sandwich and like a piece of lettuce

is in between my two like my front teeth and my bottom teeth it'll just slide right out because i can't i don't have a full closure interesting but you know what I'm still like a well-rounded nice guy I just have I mean there's nothing wrong with you I mean your teeth are okay uh and you generally suck as a guy I'm not saying they're connected I'm just saying don't call yourself well-rounded that makes sense yeah you're wondering hey you're lowering my mic your ear and you're doing what are you doing with my levels get off Hey, you're lowering my mic, your ear. And your neck. What are you doing? What are you doing with my levels?

Get off of me. You're hurting me. Either way, what should this guy do? Put his braces in his profile picture or not? I would just bury him. I would do no braces on your main picture and then three pictures in, show him the truth. It's tough. Do you want to show the truth now or do you want to delay the truth later?

I would almost want to show the truth now because you do you want to show the truth now or do you want to delay the truth later i would i would almost want to show the truth now because right then you don't want to see someone swipe you to the left aka uh disregard you in person right you want them to do it in the privacy of their own home if they're cool with braces maybe they have braces too then they can swipe you to the right and when you show up to a date you could be extra excited yeah it's very true it's kind of like when you use tinder should i swipe to the right always because then when i get a match i won't be as excited, but I'll get more matches. Or should I be super selective? Rarely get a match, but when I do, it means a lot.

You just know it's dope. Yeah, I would. I mean, you want to be meeting up with people that are going to be cool with the braces. You don't want that to be a thing that you have to talk about. So just put the braces, not in the profile picture, but have them there. Because they're not like who you are your profile picture doesn't have to have braces they're not permanent but i mean yeah like a lot of people sort of hide who like a lot of a lot of uh like i don't use tinder but i've seen you do it

and a lot of times it's like two girls in the on the front page what are those what are those girls trying to do i think well i mean i think they're they're like insecure i guess but like usually you have to just go through their pictures and then you find out which one i had a friend my buddy uh had swiped this girl to the right he's like i don't know which girl she is there's like a different permutation of three to four girls in every one and he has to like play mastermind to try to narrow it down and then he's like i went on a date with her and she was cute i still don't she could have been an even sixth girl like i had no idea he just had no idea who they were i've been dating her for six months i am not sure which one she is yeah and usually a good rule of thumb is if there's two girls in the profile picture it's the uglier one because the hotter

one would never put an uglier one in their profile picture because they don't want to be mistaken for the uglier one i've also seen hot girls that are like do it to almost seem down to earth i think or maybe they are down to earth or maybe who knows why anybody does anything but they anymore they i've seen hot girls uh like not have not be the uh only person in their profile picture so a hot girl and then a less attractive friend and she's the hot girl? Yeah. In the main profile picture? Oh, yeah. It's rare. It's rare, but you see it. It's rare.

You see it. Have you ever met with a Tinder? Not like totally rare, though. I mean, I feel like almost half the time when I'm like, oh, I hope it's this girl, and then it is. Half the time it's very rare, then. It's really rare.

If it's half, then it's rare. What was the question we were going to ask? What? Have you ever been blown away with how different someone's real- real life appearances versus how they represent themselves online yes like holy shit you're much worse usually once was worse than once was better and i've had people on tinder where they're like you look better than your pictures and i was like what's really well in general you're more attractive than you are in your photos you're

not photogenic me yeah wow yeah you're not photogenic you're you're more attractive than you are in your photos. You're not photogenic. Me? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, you're not photogenic. You're mean. So fine, if I'm not photogenic, you're just a bad person. Yeah, but you can't capture that in a picture anyway. You actually sometimes can. There's a picture of you kicking a dog. There's a picture of you flipping off a toddler. There's a picture of you sort of giving your dad a paper cut.

So, yeah, that comes off in the photo. You can tell you're a bad guy. There's a picture of you sort of stepping on a cat's tail and you can sort of tell it's on purpose especially if you sort of like uh you're you're scowling yeah at a charity event there's one of you holding a can of uh kerosene outside of uh what's it called the burning orphanage no not the what's the uh the habitat, the place where you rescue dead birds. Oh, the Humane Society? Yeah, right outside of Humane Society. There's you petitioning for the closure of one. Yep.

This is all my Tinder profile. When the cops came through me and Dreyse and Nex to a burnt down house. With a can full of gas. And a handful of matches. Handful of matches. Oh. Tinder. Still haven't found out.

Oh, is Tinder and matches matches a thing is that like a yeah yeah because it's like i mean again their logo is like a little flame it's like let's create the spark whatever you know keep the flame alive there's a lot of fiery stuff yeah it's really cute all right anyway one last thing i'll say is that some people are attracted to braces i hooked up with a girl with braces once and it was uh i mean she was 14 but you have to understand i was eight yeah uh i mean sometimes it's kind of sexy when i don't know it was sexy for me sexy to hook up with a girl with braces yeah because like she's innocent and young yeah she's seen unless she wasn't but she seemed it because the braces oh wow huh yeah maybe i'll get braces shut up dude that'll turn you on

what you said it would no i didn't i absolutely didn't say you getting braces would turn me on it would but i would never admit that i wanted to get into how weird it would be to uh to uh become an orthodontist to be able to choose any profession in the world and you want to choose the one that tortures teens. Yeah, but you also, I remember when I got my braces off, I was so happy. Yeah, so you're torturing, torturing, torturing, releasing into the wild a beautiful young 16-year-old. Beautiful. All right, next question question number two this one comes from someone

I'll call Chris Bosch 6 foot 11 inches 260 pounds out of the University of Texas it's actually from Dwayne Wade

but we're disguising his name to preserve Dwayne's anonymity Dwayne's anonymity. T-Wade, I know you're listening out there. Hey, best of luck this season, man.

DuPain, LeBron, Dwayne Wade. This is a very, sorry. Hello, Jake and Amir. There is a very tough rotund girl that lives in our uni halls and always comes to clubs with my group. When she gets drunk, she gets violent. A few times she punches and kicks me, especially if she sees me eating meat, as she is a vegetarian.

A few times she has even knocked me to the ground on nights out. I've told her many times to stop doing this, as it is odd, but she won't. Should I just give her a beating and teach her a lesson? Regards, Chris Bosh. What is this weird school you go to oh it's an english school oh i see no braces i would i would i would never advocate hitting a woman but this is as close as it gets it's so like a rotund girl who's really uh physically fit and can hurt you and it's also

i mean and you can't defend yourself yeah why do you think you can just give her a beating just oh me and all my girlfriends are gonna break into a room with uh with socks filled And it's also, I mean. And you can't defend yourself. Yeah, why do you think you can just give her a beating? Just, oh, me and all my girlfriends are going to break into a room with socks filled with nickels and just sort of give her a beatdown to end all beatdowns. Oh, the old nickel sock. We're going to send her to the goddamn ER. It's also funny that this girl is like, she's a vegetarian, so she cares about the well-being of animals, but will just beat the shit out of someone that's eating meat. I'll beat the shit out of a human before I ever kill a chicken. I really think people that are into fair trade and all that stuff should just be violent. That's how shit gets done, right?

Yeah, actions speak louder than words, as long as you're not hurting an animal. So from now on, if we get you eating meat,arians are just gonna punch you in the face you're you're like a scab during this during a strike or something she's like a physical activist like the kind that like cause like break-ins at like animal hospitals and stuff yeah yeah and they're like oh they like free animals and they like toss red paint on people and yeah like environmental terrorism oh shit that's cool that's actually really sexy all those people deserve beatings yeah what do you do if you if somebody's already you've talked to them several times would you try maybe holding her hands so tightly that it does

hurt her yeah but like you're actually not physically harming her right like you're squeezing it so tight that she gets the point she's only really really in pain because she's struggling to let go yeah exactly that's her or like you can shove her like get away from me you went if you shove her to the ground it's not technically hitting uh-huh if you get away from you wench yeah and then you push or you shove her into the ground and she gets the message but you technically didn't strike her like spraying uh spraying a fire extinguisher all over a room or something yeah. Like destroying her personal property? Physically scaring her. You know what I mean?

Intimidating her, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just get a knife and brandish it every once in a while? Yeah. Brandishing weapons? Physically threaten her? Or like slice a little bit of her leg fat off? Oh, wow.

Slabbing. Yeah, like you're sort of trimming a turkey? I guess I would also just talk to your RA. I don't know what the equivalent of that is in England, but talk to some authority figure at school maybe. He doesn't want to be a pussy about it. Oh, tell on her? This girl hits me.

Oh, you can't hit her. This girl's probably named Becky. Is that safe to say? Stop hanging out with her. Can you just stop hanging out with her? Well, she tags along and goes to the clubs. All right, next next you're done yeah give up there's nothing you can do except beat her but i'm not gonna fucking say that on

the podcast okay maybe give like opposite advice but like in a way that's actually advice so for example what shouldn't you do wink oh i mean whatever you do don't Don't throw a swift left hook To her neck You do not want to Rabbit punch her in the neck And you don't want to Push your thumb into her eye That's something you wouldn't want to do

Also don't take your heel And give like a swift kick to her Like a thigh meat Yeah that's not good. That might bruise her pretty bad. Ripping out her earrings would be something. Oh, God. Don't do that.

Okay? And just like grabbing her nipples and squeezing. Oh, Jesus. I'm just saying, don't do that. Now I'm getting turned on, you ass. Yeah, don't like grab her nipples and squeeze them and and pull her towards you and don't let one thing just lead to another and be like whisper like you you like it rough do you holy shit you keep hitting me what if i hit on you yeah i'm gonna slap you with something else

yeah like bend her over your knee and yeah spanking or something yeah i'd be like, oh, I'm going to hit you back. Oh, I'm going to hit you back. Oh, I'm going to hit you back. Oh. Oh. We're both jerking each other off. I really don't know what to do aside from... Spank her, I think. She's earned a spanking. She's earned a grade B spanking.

I'd like to spank a rotund girl. I really would like to spank a very tough rotund girl. That is the sexiest thing I've ever heard you say. It's funny because it's true. All right, let's take our little intermission now. Oh, not bad. Oh, you know what we have to do? Yes.

Finally give our shout-outs to our Harry's buyers. We really fucked that up. We said if you forward us your receipts from Harry's, Razors, that we'll give you a shout-out, and we forgot to do it. Sure did. So this isn't technically a break right now. This is work.

Yeah. Please don't charge us for this next 30 seconds. So we really do apologize for not mentioning you earlier. Kevin B., James H., Fariba H., Noah K., Keith S.,

Herbert C., Mike D., Jack D., Tanner W., Raymond S., Christian N., John K., Mason A.,

Eric J., and Jake R. Ooh, I thought it was going to be me oh no we don't have to give you a shout out you're already the star of the show aren't ya? oh come on man that's what you wanted to hear that you're the star you're the funny one

I am the star of the show oh during the web series I get to get all the laughs and everyone loves Amir but now this is my fucking time to shine Amir's my god damn co-pilot what the fuck, man? Say that. Say it. If you mean it, say it.

Yeah, it's finally your chance to ride on my coattails. Yeah, it really is. You really think so. You really think so. I really do. You think you carry the heavy weight. I think I carry the, I think podcast-wise, I do the heavy lifting. You really do.

I bled for this podcast, you know, man? How so? I got blood drawn for my STD test after I mistakenly told a bunch of impressionable tweens that they couldn't get herpes unless there was an open wound. Yeah, so that's what's up. Holy shit. Sorry, our first fight. A lot came out there.

That wasn't us. That was, um, no, no it was you it wasn't me i'm not like that he's like that i hate to point fingers but uh here we go right at you buddy uh should we is the break over shit oh let's mention our shows now so we don't have to even do it at the end we have a show coming up at comic-con who's gonna to be at New York City Comic-Con? Me, me, me, me. Oh, I am. Shut up. Shut up. We'll see you there.

Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. If you're going to be at the New York City Comic-Con, we are doing a live If I Were You with Pete Holmes, which is probably going to be the highlight of our podcasting lives. Yeah, it's true. Pete's just this very funny comedian. I'm sure you guys know him already. He has a show coming out on TBS called The Pete Holmes Show, and he's going to be part of our live show,

Alive at Fire U at NYC Comic Con. Which is very, very exciting. Pete's probably my favorite comedian. One of my favorite stand-up acts. It's weird because we knew Pete before he was a stand-up comedian. So to us, he was just like a funny dude. Right. And then we saw him do stand-up.

I mean, I didn't hate Pete because I didn't know him, but I used to really hate when he would come to the office. Because his laugh would be very loud. And I was not part of the cool crew. I was too scared to turn around, so I was at my little intern desk listening to Pete crack up. Cackle. And I was like, I think that Pete's laugh is so enjoyable

when you're in on the joke with him, when you're making him laugh or he's making himself laugh. Like just around, you know, like when you're in the circle. Right. But I was just like trying to pretend like I wasn't paying attention to you guys. And just like hearing him cackle. I was like, oh my God, it's in my ear. Well, hopefully we're going to be on the inner circle of it come NYC Comic Con time.

All of us will be. And it's going to be amazing. That beautiful, beautiful laugh. If you're there, do that. And if you're not at Comic-Con, you can come to a live podcast taping at Brooklyn at Littlefield on November 6th. Part of New York City Comedy Week, something? And please come. It'll be awesome. Something like that.

Yeah, yeah. And that'll be our first official If I Were You podcast taping. And we're going to tape it and put it online, too. And we're trying to take audience questions and stuff. So come and participate. Be part of the show. And you said you'd kiss one person on the mouth. Yeah, I did promise it was going to be you

but it is somebody who's getting kissed on the mouth. That'd be nice. We could all have a little kissing booth or something. Oh, that'd be funny. Sell your little kisses. Yeah, for free. I'll smooch anybody that asks. I really will.

And that doesn't have anything to do with the podcast. It's just sort of how you live your life, right? Yeah Like you have no standards So you'll pretty much smooch anybody or anything I kiss girls, kiss guys The only person I would never kiss is myself Why is that? Because I'm not real

What do you mean you're not real? I wish I didn't exist I'm invisible, I'm small I am, yeah, I think I'm What? I think I'm a little bit of a, uh, a little bit of a, uh, despicable, despicable little shit. Why do you think that? I don't know. No, too much self-loathing. I'm, um, I'm going to celebrate myself. You really are a – you're just two extremes of the same human. You're like at one end you hate how you are sometimes and how you act, and then within the next hour you're a god.

You think you're one of the most impressive people on earth, but you're never in between. That's not fair. I never say I'm a god. I'm the most impressive. But you think so. I mean I guess I like – You have the confidence of someone who's like exuding cockiness. Right.

I have confidence. Yeah, I get confident. I mean I guess there's not i mean i guess there's times where i'm like i'm on top of the world i'm on top of the world everything happens for me and then there's times where i'm like i'm a piece of shit i deserve to die yeah um but i think that's normal everybody all day thinks they're a god and an asshole but i never get very high or very low i guess it's just like people have it to varying degrees and i'm extreme i'm this i'm a zen buddhist in that regard i think no you're sort of just like people have it to varying degrees and I'm extreme. I'm a Zen Buddhist in that regard, I think.

No, you're sort of just like an emotionless robot. I'm sort of like emotionally involved in that regard. No, you're sort of like emotionless. No, I'm like... You're stunted. I'm a mature adult in that regard. You are, you're nothing. I'm sort of everything in that regard. In are, you're, you're, you're, you're nothing. I'm sort of everything

in that regard. In that regard, I am, yeah, I'm better than you in that regard. You're saying this in a mirror.

I'm better than you in that regard. I'm better than you because I'm the real thing and you're just a goddamn reflection. Yeah, this is you

having too much confidence. All right, back we go? I suppose so. Hold your nose and fall backwards into the goddamn swimming pool of questions we're about to enter. Come with me. There's time for maybe one more.

Under the sea. Darling, it's better. Downward, it's wetter. Take it from me. Out in the sun, they play all play all tape all right here we go um oh here's a good one this one is from chris birdman anderson whoa another email from duane wade he's pathetic hey guys every day some dude from work goes on a starbucks run and having the closest office to

the boss i would always carry him his coffee recently he started tipping me for the coffee let's just say he makes a lot more money than me so his tips were very substantial i don't think he knows that i'm just keeping the money for myself am i just an asshole or am i doing the right thing it's definitely not the second one right yeah those are the two extreme am i an asshole or am i am i a robin hood i think am i sort of a social vigilante uh a secret uh humanitarian in that regard you're what are you talking about am i doing am i doing it right he's stealing tips because he's the one actually. Is this right? There's no other gray area.

Well, to be clear, I think the boss is giving him a tip to give to the guy who's either going on a coffee run or making the coffee at Starbucks. There's two middlemen and he's just taking the tips. He's definitely not tipping you for walking the coffee into your office. I mean, you should just like think about it like this. If everyone in the office found out what you'd been doing, would you feel like a huge asshole? Would you basically feel like you needed to quit? Or would you feel like you're doing the right thing? How is this the right thing?

I think you can. This is sort of a Seinfeldian problem. I can see Costanza in this problem. And I think the trick is to convince yourself that he is tipping you. That way you're doing that you're doing the fine like start doing nice little things for like service you know like bring him a napkin yeah and see if maybe ask if he needs anything else and then you're like okay i've earned this tip um until then i mean you're stealing is what's happening right but not really because he is

as far as the guy's concerned as far as the guy's concerned, he's giving him a tip. Okay, he's not stealing his money because he's giving his money away. He just assumes that the money's going somewhere else where it's not. I guess maybe if one day you get found out, you could be like, but you know the money's not going to you. I don't know. I would, this is like, it's like if you suddenly start getting too much money in your paycheck. Yeah, would you say anything? But you have to because eventually someone's going to catch it

and you clearly have known all along and you didn't say anything. You can plead ignorance. You can act dumb. I don't think you can when it comes to that kind of thing. Oh, you weren't tipping me? Oh. Oops. Oops.

You stole money. I don't know what money is. Everyone's so... Is that what this bill is? I've been eating the money you give me. You're fired. Oh, I'm fired. You're a simpleton.

I ate a coin the other day. What does it mean? How do you expect... Is this wallet or is this a meal? I ate money. You're a NASA engineer for crying out loud. I still don't know. You're building space shuttles.

Can I eat it? Yeah, if you're playing that dumb, you're not going to keep your job. Just break open a piggy bank like a wonton and pour the insides into your mouth if you ever get caught. I eat money. That's a new character we've never done before impossibly dumb idiot um i ate i don't know a box what's the cereal and what's the box it sounds like ros Rosie's voice. I just, I don't even know. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I know, I know. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I ate a nickel. I don't know, I'm crazy. Oh, that's sort of like a Tom Hanks, I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. Wilson! Wilson! I'm sorry!

I ate a bag. I ate a bag, Wilson! Oh, I ate a hat. I'm sorry. I don't bag, Wilson. Oh, I ate a hat. I'm sorry. I don't know what food is versus things. Wilson. What's happened to us? Oh my God, we've been recording for nine days straight.

We haven't recorded any of this. This is not even plugged in. It's so funny to think of just, we don't record this and have this conversation. This is how we speak to each other. This was the part, before we ever recorded, this was what me and Amir did. Yeah, we'd speak into microphones plugged into nothing. And they were like, you know what, we should just click on the on switch.

Yeah, just answering questions. We hopefully got to an email address that may or may not have existed back then. So, I say, keep the money. Are you serious? Yeah. Keep the money. Seize that cheese, yo. He is seizing the cheese.

Seize the cheddar. You are a hashtag dope. You understand? We're just getting all the t-shirts in right now. Cool. Those are two pieces of advice. Take them or leave them. What would you guys do?

That's always what you're allowed to do with our advice. Yeah. Jake says, don't do it. I say, you know what? You might as well go for it. You're not making a lot of money. This isn't your career. You know who else is making a lot of money?

The poor guy that has to go to Starbucks, who the tip is actually for. Well, then he should have walked the drink into the box. Why don't you at least start going to Starbucks? No. Why don't you be the guy that goes to Starbucks? No, absolutely not. I'm too busy.

I want to punch you for this. And what? What do I do when I get there? Ugh! I want coffee! How did it work? The amount that you're defending him makes me blame you for the crime.

How is that fair? How is that legal? All right. Last question. Let's squeeze it in. Let's do it. Ass. Ass.

This one comes from a lady. Ooh. We'll call her Patricia Riley. Okay. Are you okay? That's fine. You're falling asleep. Holy shit, you're resting your forehead on the pop guard of the microphone.

Yeah, this thing... Yeah, it works. It would be a pretty comfortable pillow, actually. All right, let's finish this episode before you fall asleep completely. There's got to be some way to make a pillow out of this. All right, let's finish this episode before you fall asleep completely. There's got to be some way to make a pillow out of this. All right, hey. Focus, come on. I'm serious.

Come on. I know, I know. No, I'm dead serious. Remember to listen to the question when I read it. Excuse me. I have a phone call to make. No, please do it after we're done. Hey.

Hey, Dad. Fuck you! You never believed in me, and I just thought of a crazy ass pillow design So who's wrong now? Alright, Patricia Riley writes Hey guys, I just moved into an apartment Hey guys, I just moved into an apartment Do I still owe you $1500 now?

I do because they were for car payments And my pillow design is worthless Fair enough, dad I do because they were for car payments and my pillow design is worthless. Fair enough, dad. Angsty teen, but he's also really logical. Fuck you, dad. Actually, I went too far, dad. I realize you're just sort of trying to help out as best as you can, dad. Yeah, and I realize I resent you because I'm dealing with mostly my own shit, dad.

Yeah, just that puberty is very difficult. Dad. Yeah. I'm not okay with myself, and thus I project it onto you, Dad. And that's not fair, is it, Mom? Dad. I know you're just making me go to school because, you know, on one hand it is legal, but on the other hand it's going to make me a more well-rounded individual in the long run. But at the same time, I really don't appreciate it now, guys.

All right. Alright. Sorry. Alright. I think I love Katie now. I know she's my little sister. She's freaking annoying, but I'm lucky to have her. Dad. Hey, Jake and Amir.

I just moved into an apartment with my best friend of 15 years and her fiancé. Living with them has been great, with the exception of him constantly hitting on me. Anytime we are alone together, he finds a way to grope me or talk provocatively. Up until recently, he didn't bother me one night and uh-oh rubbed his boner against my back i told him to stop fucking with me but he just laughed it off as a joke i don't know what to do now because he is still super inappropriate i want to tell my friend but i don't want to damage our relationship and i don't want to be that girl who ruined theirs help me please patricia riley i'm appalled. I know. About what, though? That she didn't turn around and suck his D? Jesus Christ. He's doing it. He's talking about... Be flattered, you slut.

Shut up. No. You can't. No. Absolutely be flattered. No. I bet nobody else wants this. I stopped it. We're done. This is D against the back of your throat. You know what? He should be putting his D against the inside of the back of your throat. This is criminal. What he's doing is illegal.

Bullshit. Bullshit. He could be arrested for this. He's groping you? I'd love to see her try. Oh, no. To see what she does to me. Or him.

What? What? What? You sick fuck. The judge knew he was full of shit. So he gave her 25 years. And I vomited tears. The courtroom, he screamed, She lies, that little slut!

What a scary courtroom that is in Sublime's Date Rape. Yeah, I mean, that's pretty fucked up yeah uh you flirting is bad enough but the but the sexual harassment is a whole other groping and you by the way you definitely do want to be the person that that comes between them and ruins that relationship your friendship's going to be fine as long as you're honest yeah she doesn't want to marry a guy that rubbed his boner against your back. Right. They should not be together. That guy should be dead. Even if he did like stick it up against their back and be like, this is a hold up. Give me all your love or something funny like that. It wouldn't be good. Is that what you would say? That's what you did? I'm saying even if he like stuck his dick into her back and was like,

uh-oh, this is a stick-up. I can't even get on board. Now help me get my stick-up. You're doing this dick? That wouldn't be worth it. That's not okay. You're doing it alone. You're doing it alone.

That's not all right. I'm not participating. Even if he stuck his dick against her back and said, all right, you know what? Put the money in a bag and nobody gets squirt. Even if he did that, that would be so fucked up. That would be so fucked up. That would be so messed up. I, you're, I think you're a molester

for this. What? Yeah. Excuse me. You're some kind of sexual deviant. You're a sex offender. We're joking about it? Amir's a sex offender. No, absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, and he does have to tell you this.

Are you in there holy shit they're here already the courtroom i just pressed 911 i held and i i let the call connect for that whole entire bit and they just sent someone i even asked they just took it upon themselves you should report this guy definitely to your friend. Maybe to the police. Yeah. I mean, if he's like inappropriately groping you and touching you, he's not allowed to live there. At the very least, you shouldn't be marrying your best friend. I'm serious. I don't know.

I'll follow up with this. But if you live in the tri-state area, I'll come and personally kick the shit out of him. Even if he's bigger than me, I'm scrappy. I'll find a way to fucking kick the shit out of him. I'll hit him with something. Yeah, I'll do that too. I'll fight dirty. I don't even give a fuck. I'll fight him too.

Me and Jake will take him down. I'll scratch, bite, claw his eyes out, pinch, kick. He doesn't want to mess with me. I'm going to kick his ass. I'll find a way. I don't care how big he is. All right, yeah, he's in Jersey. Yeah?

He's in Jersey. He's like this auto mechanic, 6'3", 220. All right. And he's actually waiting for you. Give me auto mechanic, 6'3", 220. All right. And he's actually waiting for you. Give me that shower curtain rod. Take down the towel. Give me the rod. I think if I blindside him, I can hit him in the back of the head.

That's going to get him down. Then I'm going to kick him in the neck. You get arrested. I'm going to stomp on his hands. I don't care. I'll go to jail. Jesus. I ain't afraid of jail.

I ain't afraid of no ghost. What does he say? Oh what's what's that i ain't i ain't going to jail watch oh don't believe me just watch oh don't oh i thought oh i thought the lyric was oh fucking never mind so jake says definitely do something about it uh he'll beat the shit out of him and i'll'll just say, definitely tell someone. Unfortunately, I don't believe in physical violence, but I will totally use my words and try to talk him off a ledge. He's sort of a wordsmith. Yeah.

Hey, hey, bucko. Ow! He's slapping me with his dick. It is a turnoff. More than. I think you're so invested in the situation that you feel bad about ruining their relationship. But you shouldn't because this guy is a monster. He's a deviant monster.

Yeah. So tell your friend about it. That's what we would do. If we were you. Oh, sorry. If we were you. Didn't get better. One more try.

If we were you. That's not bad. But it wasn't great. If we were you. That's not bad. But it wasn't great. If we were you. Cha. Cha. Anyway, that's our show. Thanks so much for listening, everyone.

Thanks for the emails. Keep them coming. That email, again, is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. We need your questions. We need your theme song submissions. The one at the beginning was from someone named Lucy Cooper. And we need your just. We just need your questions We need your theme song submissions The one at the beginning was from someone named Lucy Cooper And we need your We just need your positivity

Please just We feed off the energy We talk into this void and we put it online And we hope to God that people listen to it But we don't know We need your money actually I'm going to set up a PayPal Excuse me

Actually if everyone could venmo me five bucks no no yeah no i don't know how many people listen to this fucking thing but if every single one of them like venmo'd me five bucks yeah it's no skin off their back it's five dollars a lot to some people no no no you really can find it you can can find $5. I'll give you a week. We have sponsors. Look under your couch cushions. We have sponsors. If your parents leave money out for emergencies, Venmo me. We have sponsors that pay us and then people can support our sponsors.

I know we have sponsors. I'm saying I want this money in addition to the sponsors. Oh, wow. You don't get that I want more money? No, I do. You don't get that I want more money? No, I do. I just can't believe it. You don't get that I'm asking for money so I don't have to do shit and I get shit? That's not how it works. People watch TV. They watch the commercials. The commercials pay for the content

and the people watch the content. And I love that. We have our commercials. We have our sponsors. That's how we keep the podcast going and that's a necessary thing. Anybody who listens to the podcast gets that. What I'm saying is in addition to that in addition to that i want five bucks from everybody who listens or not it's not gonna happen why not it's just not that's that's not how it works people expect free content a lot

of people that would prohibit a lot of people i'm not what are you trying to you get i'm not saying i won't make the podcast i'm podcast. I'm not charging for content. That's another reason why they won't do it, because they know they can get it for free. Right. You thought you really could just grab several hundred thousand dollars right now from people? I thought, I really thought. You could crowdsource your fucking retirement fund? Yeah, I really did.

I thought that if everyone Venmoed me $5, I'd be... Okay, truth is you can't. Okay. All right. No, that's a hard thing to hear. It is, but it's the truth, and I'm glad you're hearing it.

So anyway, cool. Thanks so much for listening. Ta-da, reba. Ta-da, reba for listening, and if y'all want to do a mitzvah... Oh my God. I'm not letting you die. Son of a...

You are insane Yes What was that little box that we had in Hebrew school? Tudoka? A Tudaka box? Tudaka Oh, Tudaka? Tudaka

Tudaka Yeah, it's like charity Right Tudaka Tudaka That's Everyone listens to this podcast Sababa

Again, we really appreciate it So thank you so much Sada she kulam. Everyone listens to this podcast. Sababa. Again, we really appreciate it. So thank you so much. Toda raba. Lehitraot. Sababa. Ken, bruchim abayim. Beshara. No, this last theme song,

the outro theme song, is by someone I believe named Alex McRitchie. And if it's not, then I'll re-record that person's name after we're done. Thanks so much for listening, everyone. Bye. Bye. Bye. Am I just breaking down? They can't help If I were you When you don't know what to do

If I were you I'd ask these two That was our episode. Once again, it was brought to you by Hulu Plus. If you can check out huluplus.com slash Amir, it would help us out very, very muchly. Very muchly. Appreciate it.

Thanks, guys. Bye.