Segments - 24: Shakespeare

Episode Date: April 15, 2024

In this episode, Amir takes it back to the 16th Century trying to stump Jake with a poem so old, it has to be true.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number, so you have to edit it out, okay?

Let's hear it. 0913662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in, but we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. too. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations. They swear! Second. Another podcast.

Second. Each app different from the last. Second. It's the Swiss Army Nightclub Show. Now let's meet your two emphatic hosts. Second. I do like you having a problem during the theme song that's solved by the end. Basically, it's solved by the chorus.

Right. We're always doing something, and then I hear the segments, and I put my hands up like somebody's lifting them up. I'm a four-year-old, and my parents are swinging me. You're having a hot flash. I had post-menopausal drip. Segments solved it. We're still in the fucking studio together. In the studio, in the lab, in the kitchen, cooking up that sauce.

Yeah, okay. This is the platonic ideal of segments. This is the perfect iteration of everything coming together. And to commemorate this momentous occasion i'm going to stump you i'm going to win for the first time ever poetry or no interesting i worked hard on these words you did i muddied the water to the point where it'll be a complete crapshoot slash guessing game. If I don't win this version of the game, I will quit. Really?

Not just the game, but the podcast, the head gum. It's all going away. Because I can't remember super well, but I don't even think you've come close. No. You always got it in one. You never eliminated the good one and it's mine. Right, right, right. Then you got it down to two and you sort of know which of the last two is mine as well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was able to come up with a hook that I think will help me. All right. We should say this is segments of podcast that whatever. Yeah. Okay. So I'm 0 for 3 so far. Yep.

I tried doing a theme like Los Angeles. I tried to do potpourri, any poem. You tried Ha-oon. You tried Los Angeles. Yeah, Ha-oon, correct. And you tried Sadie. That was your best poem, by the way. Really?

My first one? Still love Sadie. So this one, I thought the theme should be Shakespeare. These are three poems by William Shakespeare. Or are they? Oh, wow. So it's like, you know, it's kind of hard to understand. It's not really English,

but they're all kind of short. This is a gap in my poetry. Yeah. Like I definitely prefer modern poetry. Yes. To Bill. Yeah. And I spent some time on this. I would like write a draft and wait. I'm like, nah, this line is not right. Yeah. Okay. That is what it takes. I think we've at least learned that we're not just gonna any of the poems that we farted out were sniffed out my last poem also i worked on it for a while yeah so yeah and i jokingly instantly knew but then i i fucking made a u-turn an emotional u-turn yeah because you were like well it's really good as well yet by william shakespeare ends well yet that's almost certainly not you but let's go on then let's start with that yeah ends well yet

is it's if it's not if this is you that's a very poetic turn of phrase and i love it okay by the way i could have there were iterations of this where I kind of cheated, but I got rid of those lines. I'm like, let me borrow this line from this hamlet. Oh, asshole. Yeah. But I didn't. I didn't, okay? I fucking didn't.

All right. Ends well yet by Bill Shakespeare. Yeah. I'm nervous. I would be too. Because I am going to try to use how you're reading and what your body language is. Yeah, we're playing poker, not poetry. Ends well yet.

Perilous brothers rate and scheme, bargaining with death and failing. Merrily, sisters scud far off their last breath, trading their senses for wailing. Draw nearest your garments then that needeth to mend, for all that begins must needeth to end. Okay, that's... Sigh no more, ladies. Hold on, hold on. Let me digest this one a little bit. Because there was one line that sounded like you a little bit.

And it was merrily the ladies do something. Yeah, merrily sisters scuttle off. It reminds me a little bit of traipsing as he carved. All right. Okay. Next poem is called? Full Fathom Five. Full Fathom Five.

By William Shakespeare. Maybe. Or is it? Full Fathom Five, thy father lies. Of his bones are coral made. Those are pearls that were his eyes. Nothing of him that doth fade. But doth suffer a sea change into something rich and strange.

Sea nymphs hourly ring his knell. Ding dong, hark, now I hear them. Ding dong bell okay okay sigh no more ladies sigh no more ladies sigh no more ladies sigh no more men were deceivers ever. One foot in sea and one on shore. To one thing constant never. Then sigh, not so, but let them go. And be you, Blithe and Bonnie. Converting all your sounds of woe into hey, nonny, nonny.

Ooh, second one's you. Full Fathom five you don't think that's a unique phrase or kind of random is it you do you want me to read anything again do you want to just trust your instinct I'm gonna trust my instinct because the first two

the first poem moved me and the second and the third poem moved me the second one did nothing full fathom five full fathom five and if you and if you wrote one or three i do commend you because i thought they were i thought they were great so let me read full fathom five to you again yeah just so you can you don't have to commit yeah yeah full fathom five by william shakespeare yeah full fathom five thy father lies of his bones are coral made those are pearls that were his eyes nothing of him that doth fade yeah that doesn't make sense i didn't fucking finish this is the kind of shit that pisses me off because I'm really not done. And you wouldn't do that to Will Shakespeare, nor should you do that to me.

I wouldn't do it to Bill. If this was in fact my fucking poem, which I'm not even telling you it is or isn't yet. But doth suffer a sea change into something rich and strange. Sea nymphs hourly ring his knell. Ding dong. Hark, now I hear them ding dong bell now that I hear it a second time

I'm so convinced that it's you wow you don't even want to hear ends well yet or I would love to hear ends well yet again because I thought it was incredible okay are you locking in full fathom 5 I would love to hear Enswell yet again because I thought it was incredible. Okay. Are you locking in Full Fathom 5? Yes, I'm locking it in.

Full Fathom 5 is by William Shakespeare. Really? That's correct. Wow. So now let's go into round two. Uncharted territory for me. Oh my God. For the complete win.

I'm absolutely floored. Now you're deciding between Psy No More Ladies and Ends Well Yet. This is just for a bonus chance for my joy. Wow. Ends Well Yet. Yeah. Or do you want to hear the other one? No, I want to hear it in the same order.

Ends Well Yet. Yeah. Perilous brothers rate and scheme, bargaining with death and failing merrily sisters scud far off their last breath trading their senses for wailing draw nearest your garments then that needeth to mend for all that begins must needeth to end i still i mean i like it i like it sigh no more ladies sigh no more ladies sigh no more men were deceivers ever one foot in sea and one on shore to one thing constant never then sigh not so but let them go and be you blithe and bonnie converting all your sounds of woe I have to say, I really like both of these poems. So this is more of a coin flip than anything.

Are you 51-49 of any of them? No, I feel like both of them have something that I think could be you. Is it the hey, nani, nani? No, like there's – it's things like that that make me feel like Amir wouldn't have come up with it. Right. Hey, nani, nani. Yeah. But then –

Does Enzwell yet have anything? Enswell yet. Like, I just think that that's a really beautiful turn of phrase. And I feel like you wouldn't have come up with that. But like, I also, man, I also really thought that the C one sucked. So maybe Shakespeare just kind of. I might just like you as a poet. More than William Shakespeare. That's cool. Yeah, I guess I'll say, I'll more than William Shakespeare. That's cool. Yeah.

I guess I'll say, I'll say, read me that first one again. Ends well yet. Ends well yet. Casey, do you have an inkling? I think I'm leaning towards the second one being you. Nani nani. Nani nani, yeah. Okay.

Ends well yet. Perilous brothers brothers rate and scheme bargaining with death and failing yeah that's too good to be you I think fuck then go on merrily

sisters scud far off last their breath trading their senses for wailing draw nearest your garments then that needeth to mend. For all that begins must needeth to end. Right.

Yeah. I guess I'll say the Bonnie, the Nonny Nonny is you. Nonny Nonny is me. Yeah. Sign No More Ladies is by William Shakespeare. Wow. Wow. Ends well yet. Is a mirror-blooming film. yeah Psy No More Ladies is by William Shakespeare wow ends well yet is a mirror-blooming poem

original that was actually really good really good I thought it was a great poem yeah dab on em

wow hit em with a nay nay hit em with a nani nani hey nani nani hey nani nani nani wow Hit him with a nay-nay. Hit him with a naughty-naughty. Hey, naughty-naughty. Hey, naughty-naughty-naughty. Wow. And all I did was put two other Shakespeare poems together. I want to know everything.

And it fucking hit. It really hit. What were you saying with Enswell yet? Well, I looked into Shakespeare poems, and some of them were very long sonnets and some of them were like long speeches. And I'm like, OK, let me read some short ones. What are they about? And they're all like love, war, death, life. I'm like, OK, this first one is about ladies.

The second one is about love or father. And then this last one will be about war or death. I see. And you sort of read an early iteration when I say, oh, hounds of war. You like saw that on my computer. Oh, yeah. When we were recording something else, I saw. Hounds of war, which is another phrase. So I'm like, okay, let me get rid of this one. Also, this poem had a line from Hamlet, which is to sleep to die perchance to dream, or to die to sleep perchance to dream. And I asked Avital and she's like, no, that's kind of like, that'll tip them off

because it's from Hamlet. It wouldn't have. So if I did to die to sleep perchance to dream, you would be like, oh, that sounds Shakespearean. Yeah. But then also like, I mean, I only remember that line because it was in Billy Madison. Oh, interesting. Yeah. It's a famous line at this point. Apparently. But then like, would that like make you think, oh, he did write that or he did borrow it? So I'm like, let me get rid of any Shakespeare borrowing.

Good. This is just, actually I did search certain words like sister's scud far off. Yeah. Scud is like another word for walking. Wow. So I used the words. So yeah, how did you find the word scud? I searched Shakespearean walking and I found scud.

Oh, wow. That's really good. You really did go deep. Yeah. You went deep. Yeah. All right. Congrats, man.

Perilous brothers rate and scheme. Like that doesn't mean anything. Rate, it doesn't. Yeah, that's trueilous Brothers Rate and Scheme. Like that doesn't mean anything. Rate, it doesn't. Yeah, that's true. That's a nothing for sure. But it was the bargaining with death and failing. Yeah. That got me.

Yeah. And that was originally not that line because it didn't rhyme. The original version was Perilous Brothers Rate and Scheme. Bargaining toward death, she. Oh, yeah. that's bad. Yeah. So you're punching it up. It's actually working.

Yeah, I punched it up. You're getting better. It made it rhyme with wailing. Mm-hmm. And then I was afraid that all your sounds of woe into hey, nonny, nonny would be like, like you said, that's not anything I would have thought of. Right, right. But then I didn't think that ends well yet is a title that

could come out of you. Yeah. At first it was all's well that ends well. Yeah. That doesn't make sense. Or that's like a famous phrase. Right. I just said ends well. Yeah. Then I added yet. Ends well yet. Wow. We should write a book of poetry. No. I really don't think that would be good. I thought that poem sucked. I thought it was good. And it's the last one I'll ever write. Really?

Yeah. I feel like you found your voice. Really? Because I do have some other drafts. It's Shakespearean. Good. Hey, nonny nonny was me too. And I also thought you thought Blythe and Bonnie would give it away as a Shakespeare thing because like that I would never know that phrase.

Yeah. No, I kind of knew that one. So I was like, yeah, but in my head, I felt like that second poem was almost like littered with random. Like, I think there is a hark in there. Yeah. It almost didn't feel like it was from the same era as the first two. Oh, interesting. So like, that one felt like it was a modern poem that you tried to make Shakespeare-y by like just throwing

in random words. And Full Fathom 5, I'm jealous of that title because that doesn't, again, it doesn't mean anything, but it feels real. I was trying to come up with something like Full Fathom 5. The alliteration is something that you and I both sometimes do in poems because we like the cadence and that i guess it reads as poetry for us also these rhyme which i think we've never done before right yeah the rhymes the rhymes actually probably hurt me a little bit yeah because

they all three of them rhyme yeah yeah well we're tied we're tied we're tied. We're tied. We're tied. One poem each. Call me a mere Shakespeare. No. Okay. Shakespeare. Nice.

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welcome back yeah to uh a changed show a better show oh my god ultimate jesus you're falling apart i'm not falling apart the studio's falling're falling apart. I'm not falling apart. The studio's falling apart. Falling apart. The studio's not falling apart. I took it apart. I didn't take it apart. I took it upon myself to become the poet laureate of Silver Lake. Stop with your turn of phrase. You know, Casey pointed out, you kind of just Frankensteined that together from other Shakespearean poems and words.

How so? I don't know how he did it. I don't know. Fucking Google and AI. It doesn't really count. Okay. It doesn't count. That's not an original work.

It doesn't count because I emulated somebody else's style. I didn't create a style of my own. Right. But you didn't argue that. I'm arguing it now. All right. Segment two. Let'm arguing it now. All right. Segment two. Let's throw it to an old school one we've done before.

Back on our last podcast, we used to do some Q&A lightning round. Yes, that's right. Fans, friends, acquaintances, lend me your ear. I, Lair Tease of Guatemala. Shit. To die, to dream, to sleep. These are questions that were submitted to us by our Instagram followers. That's good.

On the Jake and Amir Insta. Yeah, we hopped on stories. If you guys aren't following, there's a Jake and Amir Instagram account, so you can follow it. Sometimes ask us questions so fucking uniquely great. Like for example, Stolen Sheep wants to know what are our top three fruits? Ooh.

I think about this a lot. Why? What do you mean why? Why do you think about it a lot? Because my daughter's trying food for the first time and it's kind of wonderful to see her like certain fruits that I love. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I wonder what makes a picky eater. Like, does it start now? Or do you think like she'll just eat anything now and then at age six be like, I don't like raspberries. We're going to find out. I think that at a certain point they start to understand like you know saying no and becoming their own person so they might say no just just because you know just to introduce boundaries i think but um right now she eats literally everything and i also think that whatever whatever this method that we're doing um helps them you know eat and accept more foods. Were you a picky eater as a child?

As a child, I literally would only eat chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese. Okay. I had cookies every morning for breakfast. Yeah. And every single night I either had Kraft macaroni and cheese, Annie's macaroni and cheese, or dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets. What if they were just chicken nuggets but not dinosaur-shaped? I'm sure I would accept that.

At a certain point, I started eating fish sticks because they were kind of nugget-esque and I hated it. But like, yeah, my mom would cook food for the entire family, like pasta, grilled chicken. My dad would make meatloaf or meatballs. I had a special dinner every night and it was macaroni and cheese or chicken nuggets. I wonder why seven-year-olds can subsist off that for eight years. But like if we tried it now, we'd have diarrhea. I would be dead. Yeah. I remember one time I went to my aunt's house for like a taco night, but I couldn't, I wouldn't eat anything. You arrive with a little Ziploc bag of Kraft macaroni and cheese.

Actually, I'll be eating this. I was so picky that the only thing I would eat was a hard shell taco with chopped up cucumbers in it. I still remember it because it was delicious. That's probably more shameful than the dropping out of college thing. Let's get your parents back in. Yeah. I'd like to ask them. Why didn't you make Jake eat food?

I just said I was allergic to peanut butter until I was 21. You believe that shit? But now it's one of my favorite foods. So, yeah, I was very picky as a kid. So top three fruits? Well, I mean, strawberries, the goat for me. Interesting. Yeah.

Not in the top three. Not in your top three. No. I think there's a nostalgia factory for the strawberry for me. Interesting. Yeah. Not in my top three. Not in your top three. No. I think there's a nostalgia factory for the strawberry. Or factors. Excuse me. You got me saying that. If you're really thinking about fruits, I think you want to you're thinking about the...

It could just be any three fruits, I think. No, it can't just be any three fruits. It can't be any three fruits. Because you think about blueberries. That't just be any three fruits. It can't be any three fruits because you think about blueberries. That's nice because there is no waste. There's no effort. You don't have to peel into – and orange is a good fruit, but – There's seeds. There's peeling.

Yeah. It's a high-effort fruit. Watermelon is delicious, and that's probably in your top three, mistakenly so. It is, yeah. Because what do you do when you have an entire watermelon? You have to chop it. You've got to cube it. Once it's out there, it's great, but it's the effort.

Same with pineapple. Yeah. That's why I think it's strawberry, banana, and excuse me, I'm almost done. Banana, also a peel. Yeah, but that's a pretty easy peel, and it actually works as a handle for the fruit as you're eating it, which you can't say the same thing about an orange peel or a cutie or an nectarine. Peach is pretty good, but there's the danger. I'm not even close to done.

Lightning round. I don't know why you're bored. Wow. Next question. The danger of the pit, I was going to say. Chipping a tooth. It's blackberries number three for me. Blackberries?

Strawberries. Banana, did I say? I don't know. You said a lot. Blackberries. Blackberries in my top three. Kumquats are good. Yeah. Kiwis are not going to make it for me. Banana number one,

I have one every morning. It's the perfect breakfast. I like the flavor of it too. Banana bread, also delicious. Yeah, delicious for sure. Watermelon too. The only melon that doesn't have any negative to me. It's just I eat it and I have an insatiable appetite. It's not too tart. It's not too sweet. It's just chef's kiss. And I'll go blueberry third because I don't really eat blueberries,

but I do love the flavor of blueberry muffin, blueberry waffle, blueberry pancake, blueberry smoothie. I like what it provides. And the color is awesome too. You rarely eat blue things. Blue. Yeah, that's great. So those are my top three. All right, good. Very good. How are your respective marriages, says Ann Epiphany. Fine. Let's go. Let's dive in there.

That's good. How is your marriage? You've been married. I noticed you're not wearing the ring. Yeah, I mean, it's been tough. It's a work in progress. I've been focusing on the poetry more than anything. Marriage is hard. It is an uphill battle.

I always go to bed hangry and I wake up famished. Let me tell you, I was not feeding you. It's a cold shower. It's a cold sweat. No, I've been married for five years. It's going to be. No, I've been married for five years. It's going to be six years.

We had our like 10 year of being together anniversary recently. That's good. Yeah, I don't know. It's good. What can you say? It's nice to have a partner in life. We might go on a honeymoon eventually. That's an update, but I don't know where and when yet. I was going to say because your, you know, no gifts just contribute to the honeymoon fund.

Yeah. And then you didn't have one planned. Yeah. It just kind of just felt like I was just giving you cash. Yeah. Did you give me cash? Yeah. Venmo requested it back last week.

Oh, I didn't see that. I didn't notice that. But I did see that $350 were taken from our shared joint bank account. Yes, that didn't see that. I didn't notice that, but I did see that $350 were taken from our shared joint bank account. Yes, that's correct. Yeah. That was for the, that was the wedding gift reimbursement plan. Yeah. It was a reimbursement because I haven't seen you go on a honeymoon. And if you're doing something like, oh, we're going to go to Catalina, like that doesn't count. Yeah. Like we're going to go to Big Bear. No, not for my $350. Yeah. I'd like to see you go international. Where are you going to go?

Potentially Japan, potentially Hawaii, potentially Italy. Basically wherever the White Lotus takes place we're interested in. Yeah. That's awesome. Thanks, man. Three very different locations. Appreciate it. Is it going to take place in Japan in season three?

I believe it's Thailand or East Asia in season three. All right. Would you guys ever join Ben Schwartz for his improv shows? Ask TJ Quintilian. No. No chance. What if he asked you to? I would have to say no.

Really? I would be way too afraid. Yeah. It would be terrifying. But if he asked me to, I probably would try to fart something out on stage. Yeah. It might be embarrassing, but at the very least, I'll get paid to go to Denver. Yeah, that's true. That's true. I think I put more of more stock into me being embarrassed in front of Ben or me like letting him down. It's interesting because we've never taken improv classes.

Yeah. But we've seen improv. And when I see it, I'm like, I feel like I can do it because I'm funny. It's kind of like if I was like a professional athlete in basketball, I'm like, I think I can fart around in football. I wouldn't be a professional football player,

but like I can run really fast and catch the ball. Like I'm funny and I do bits with jake so i feel like i can understand how to do improv yeah but like i mean he goes with three other people yeah four other people and and you're getting you're getting tapped into scenes all the time i don't know how to jump in the minutiae like that yeah i think that would be really tough. I think if it, I mean, if we could go on tour, me, you, and Ben, and it's like some hybrid improv crowd work, whatever, us doing bits, that's perfect. Yeah. I could love, I would love that. But you don't want to be thrown onto like the dream team.

If Colton Dunn taps me into a scene and sits me down in a chair, I'm like, I'm afraid. I don't know. I'm scared. No. What do you think is funny? No. What guy should I be in this one? Yeah, you're a dog. Ben, tap, tap, run to edit. I'm scared. No. What do you think is funny? No. What guy should I be in this one? Yeah.

Ben, tap, tap, run to edit. Yeah. I don't know the rules per se. And when it all comes together, it's very impressive. But I feel like I can be the fourth best improviser on stage without ruining the show. Yeah. Yeah. I might be wrong though.

Right. Yeah. No, I think you would ruin the show. Yeah. It might be noticeable. I feel be wrong though. Right. Yeah. No, I think you would ruin the show. Yeah. It might be noticeable. I feel like Ben should give us a shot. Top three vegetables

to own by a mere William Shakespeare. Corn! Who goes there? This is Callum Dunlop just says, come to New Zealand? What do you think about that? That could be a good fit, honeymoons as well. Yeah, that'd be great.

Especially if we're going in like the winter. You and I basically, we've done a lot of honeymoons. We've done a lot of really romantic trips that we should have brought our partners on. We've gone to Hawaii. We've gone to Amsterdam. Yeah. Remember when we were in Portugal? Yes, that was beautiful.

It was lovely. It was lovely. We felt the need to Eskimo kiss after sharing a rosé at a vineyard. That's right. We've been to a vineyard. Yes, we've been to a vineyard. That's true. We've been.

That's true. Who has the higher vertical leaps as TJ Boogie? Definitely you. Really? Yeah. I thought you were going to say you. No, I don't do. Because of all of the years of foot injuries,

I was only doing low impact stuff for my feet. I think, I think I've lost my ability to jump. Yeah. But you play basketball. Yeah. But just because I play basketball doesn't mean I can jump high. Can you jump over a tennis net?

Um, I honestly, like, I think the, the mental is a block for me over the physical. All right. Like maybe if there was a ton of cushions on the other side, I would attempt it. But it's not worth it to me. I'm too injury prone. Yeah. Like I wouldn't – in our old office, you like – remember there was that loading dock. You were like, I think I can jump up on this.

Oh, yeah. I think I can box jump this. Yeah, box jump the loading dock. Yeah. Like, even when I do box jumps at the gym, I'm on, like, the 18-inch one or the 16-inch one. Right. The lowest one. The lowest one. I don't like the idea of hurting myself.

So you think you can jump higher than me? Dost thou think? A rapier witch. Sharpen still. I feel like I could do improvised Shakespearepeare at this fucking point like i got the improv i got the shakespeare yeah there's no world where you can't throw me into verona and i can outwit slash cun anybody within my reach will you ever do a live show in london again but i'll one up that and will we ever do a live show again?

How about a live segment? Somebody asked, uh, um, any plan on doing a live segments and what do you think that would look like? Oh, I mean, that would be great. Oh, here we go. Yeah. Shank, Shank Nanigans. How do you guys think a live segments would go? Um, I mean, we'd have to do poetry or noetry at this point. It's a classic. Yeah. Would we do a mystery guest with somebody off stage? That would be really impressive because we'd have to fly said guest out. Yeah. That would be. That'd be a lot of work for the mystery guest. Yeah. If I find your second grade teacher and fly her to Minnesota. Yeah. I mean, I would have to guess it was like, I mean, I would just know that it was either Ben, Jeff. Yeah. Somebody that would come and also that we could

bring out on stage. Right. Or it would be an LA or New York show. Oh, right, right. I guess I was imagining it being in London with this person. I feel like we could definitely plan a good live segment. We just go through all the best ones we've ever done. Or maybe ones that we

didn't want to do because they're too high effort. Probably easier than the If I Were You live shows which would require us reading a bunch of questions and deciding which one is the funniest to answer live. Yeah, yeah. I guess we could also do something, since we wouldn't necessarily have to release it as a podcast, we could do a majorly visual thing and just have a big screen, too. Oh, interesting.

50 tweet live. Ooh, now that's good. That's very good. Where would we do it is the question. Not New York or good. That's very good. Um, where would we do it? Is the question not New York or LA. It's gotta be Toronto. T dot. I love that.

The six favorite form of cold weather precipitation asks J a fine for what the options are like wintry mix sleet sleet. How is it not snow? It's gotta be snow. Cause it's gotta be tied. It's dry and wide? How is it not snow? It's got to be snow because it's got to be tide. It's dry and wide. It's got to be snow. It's nice.

Obviously it's snow. Yeah. You got a question for us? Yeah. I'm getting married in July. How do I make the day all about me? A lot of good marriage questions, actually. I mean, the vows are a big part.

That's your sort of time to shine. That's the one I took the most seriously. Again, Avital's mom planned nearly the entire thing, part that's your sort of time to shine that's yeah the one i took the most seriously again avital's mom um planned nearly the entire thing but the vows were like specifically my purview i had to yeah right and potentially memorize what to say and your vows were great uh yours didn't make me cry but avital's made me cry yeah you mentioned that a lot yeah Hers were gorgeous. I took her aside after the wedding and I said, he's not the one for you. I heard what you said

and he did not. I thought I was going to have a chance to intervene, but I feel like that's not a Jewish custom because I said I don't. They didn't say anything about if anyone has a reason for them not to be wed. Have you ever heard that at an actual wedding?

I feel like that's only in movies and stuff. I have heard it at an actual wedding. And I feel like I remember just being like this. I'm so nervous. Like why would anyone say anything? Please. Favorite Simpsons episode. Do you have one?

Mark Pergola. I have one. Do you have one? I don't know if I have one. I mean there were so many that I liked. I think maybe I'll say Monorail. That. I have one. Do you have one? I don't know if I have one. I mean, there were so many that I liked. I think maybe I'll say Monorail. That's a good one. That one was up there for me when I was younger.

Conan wrote it. Yeah. Did you know that? Yeah, I did know that. I wonder if that's why it stuck. Itchy and Scratchy Land. Oh, that's good stuff. Yeah, they go to Itchy and Scratchy Land.

It's sort of them skewering Disneyland. Yeah. Pretty funny. You know what's weird? It's like I grew up watching Simpsons, I want to say as much as you. I was also obsessed with it. I watched it every single week.

I watched all the reruns. I love Simpsons. I had the books. Yeah. I had the dolls. But like I can't remember it the way that you can. Yeah. It's like it's not a part of my memory as much anymore.

But is it a part of your sense of humor? It must be. Yeah. But like you can, you know all of the episodes. You know the jokes. Yeah, like Simpsons trivia. Yeah, I wouldn't know that. Well, I used to VHS record them

and give them titles and rewatch it even beyond. I went above and beyond. Wow. So maybe that's why. It's gotta be. Okay, you're 18 again. What job would you do now? Alex Sundin. Probably student. I would probably go to college, be. Okay. You're 18 again. What job would you do now? Alex Sundin.

Probably student. I would probably go to college. Yeah. Right. Yeah. 18. It's pretty young. Yeah.

I wasn't equipped to do anything yet. Would you, is there a different job? I guess if you went back now, you had all of your knowledge, you're 18, you would still go to college? Is it 2024? Ooh. Let's say no. You are going back in time.

Okay. I would invest in Amazon, Microsoft, NVIDIA, Whole Foods. I would invest in Apple. I would put my entire life savings into- How much money do you have when you're 18? $91. Yeah. But yeah, I'm making 3,000 X by the time I reach this age.

And then in 2024, I diversify. I go straight to small market caps. So no job? What? You're just a day trader? Sorry, I'm just giving myself investment advice. I put 10% aside in high yield, yield high risk low reward index funds i thought about this recently like even i guess going back that far wouldn't make sense but i was like if i

went if i had a time machine i went back to 2020 yeah like i still don't know if i could make a ton of money right like i don't you haven't been paying attention i haven't been paying enough attention to the stock market i guess bitcoin is the one thing that I... But even that went high and then dropped. Yeah, crypto for sure. I would be, yeah, I would just be like, okay, so like buy Apple stock, which I'm pretty sure was really expensive then also. I think Tesla and Nvidia specifically, which is like this software that powers all the AI is going crazy. Oh, Nvidia. That's good. That's a good tip. It's a good tip for your 18 year old self. But this guy wants to know what job you'd have at age 18. Job at 18. I think the spirit of the question is if you're 18 today, what would you go into?

I see. Maybe like he's 18. Right. I feel like it would have to be lean AI something like AI bot editor or illustrator or like, because there is, it's not as simple as I know how to use it and then it just happens. It's like you still have to know how to use the tool. Yeah. Even though the tool is very powerful. Right. I do think it's going to replace everybody. Yeah.

So you have to work with it, not against it. I liken it to like when the computer came out, it's like, okay, illustrators still exist now, they just use a different tool. Yeah. But like the hand illustrators maybe took a hit. Right, yeah, they'll be less. So editors, writers, artists are now gonna have to use this new tool, so you might as well like get in now,

because I don't know how to use this stuff either. Right. I see like AI samples online, I'm like, I don't know how to sign up for this. I don't know if this is like only for a certain select few people. Yeah. I didn't dig into it. Me, I'd be a fitness influencer.

That's awesome. Yeah. So you'd do a thousand jumping jacks in a day. I would look hot, be rich, and have an awesome apartment. I would be Mr. Beast's beast. Yeah. I would fucking say. I would have a YouTube on it. I'd have a YouTube. A plane into space. Beast's beast. Yeah. I would fucking say, let me fly a plane into space.

Yes, yes. I would be like, I'm going to put a 100-year-old in space. I'm going to put the oldest and youngest person in space. I ate a thousand donuts and this is what happened next. I drank so much I died. And it's just juice. Right. Kind of like when you got food poisoning.

Exactly right. Exactly right. All right. One last question. Yes. Who has the highest vertical leap? Huh? Oh, wait.

We already answered that one. What's an American city you still haven't been to that you want to visit? I haven't spent much time. This is also a good question for where we should have our first segment's live show. Yeah, well, that was a Canadian city, I thought. Toronto. Yeah, Toronto. You said you'd never been to North Dakota. Yeah, that's, yeah, never been to North Dakota.

I think you should watch Fargo and go there. Yeah? I think you should watch Fargo and move there. I think you should go there in the winter. I would love to, yeah. I think you should freeze to death in Fargo. Yeah, I got it. Die in North Dakota.

This is your last day, and it's your last date of being. You know what I mean? Like, bye-bye. 50 up, 50 down. At the end of the day, ends well yet. Take all your garments that needeth to mend. Yes. For all that begins must needeth to end.

Now, when you heard that. It was gorgeous. It moved you. It was gorgeous. And I wonder what AI tool you used to write it. Because it wasn't just you. It wasn't just you. You were Googling.

Yes, you were Googling. You were copying. You were pasting. You were changing one word for another. Yes. Yes, I get it now. But you want me to go and bargain with death and fail in Bismarck, I see. In Bismarck, ideally.

Haven't spent too much time in Dover. I'd like to spend a week in Delaware to see what happens. Yeah. Yeah. Who's a no to that? Maybe I'll be tall and give you a hall pass. Can I have a hall pass for anyone in Delaware? Would you take that bet?

Avital says you can have a hall pass for the weekend, but you have to spend it in Dover. Interesting. And if you don't use it, there have to be repercussions. Like, I wouldn't just fly to Dover and try to have sex. And she's like, and if you don't, then you owe me like $100,000. I'm like, oh, shit. Now I got to go to fucking Delaware. I don't even know where I'd go.

Do you think that you could have sex in Dover in three days? Three-day weekend. You think I could bend over in Dover? Nice. No, I don't think I could just because at my age slash current, I have this muskiness about me these days where it's kind of almost an antiferum that repels me. Right, yes, yes. Could I use an app? You're decrepit.

Yeah, could I use an app? You could use an app. I feel like with an app, I don't know, it's still really hard. Yeah, really hard. Yeah, really hard. Even at the height of my powers, we were going out, being a little more noticeable, slash did live shows and like the best version of myself. Yeah. It wasn't a 100% success rate. And now you're putting me at this age in a smaller city.

Dover. Giving you one weekend. One weekend. I mean, I could potentially go out on a few dates, but who's to say what will end up happening? You'd have to fall in love. It wouldn't just be like a fling. You'd have to woo someone. Match on Friday, go on a date on Saturday,

say you need to see her again. Sunday afternoon delight. Yeah. No, I'm saying no. I can't do that. Okay. And nor do I want to. Cool. That'd be a fun segment, though, to try. Me explaining this to Avi. You see,'d be a fun segment, though, to try. Me explaining this to Avi.

You see, it's like a segment, though. Yeah. So it's like sometimes you come up with poetry. Sometimes I try really, really hard to cheat on you. Yeah. We'll see what happens. It'll be in Delaware. So odds are nothing will happen.

Have you spent any time in Delaware? I mean, I don't think so. I think I've only been through on on the like i've spent time in maryland um and i think that's really probably the closest i ever got to just going through it you've been to andover but not in dover that's right that's right thanks for watching guys wow quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments and we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love exactly it's a survey that lets us know what you think about uh the ad experience but in order to do that we need

to know a little bit more about you our our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do all right last segment yes yes yes um you came up with potential log lines for films that don't exist yet. Yes.

And we're going to see if we can flesh them out into a fully formed idea. Yes. Ideally, you are going to give me kind of like a synopsis based on this tagline. Okay. Not a log line. This is a tagline. This is what goes on the poster. Under the title.

Yeah, under the title. You can title the movie. You, under the title. You can title the movie. You can cast the movie. You can give the synopsis. This is me sort of being an AI. Yeah. Okay. Love is a battlefield, literally. Oh, yeah. I think you don't need the literally, right? Really? Yeah, because everything is sort of a double entendre. Okay, so we'll lose the literal. Love is a battlefield. I'm serious. Okay. I like the song. Love is a battlefield.

Could be for the trailer. Right, exactly. A remix, yeah. Maybe like a Top Gun, but like the lady that Tom Cruise, did you see the new Top Gun? Yeah. Like what if she's like now trying out to be like a co-fighter pilot? Oh, that's good. So it's like him versus, instead of the enemy, it's him versus her in a way.

Right. So Top Gun 3. Yeah. Maverick versus, I forget her name. What's a female goose? A gander? Yeah. Maverick versus gander.

We are young. Heartache to heartache. And they could call it top bun. That's good because he has a man bun. Yeah. She has a man bun. It's just a bun. At that point, yeah.

She has a bun because that's how she gets the flight helmet on. That's cool. She has a top bun in the oven. Yeah, that's good. That's good. She has a Top Gun in the oven. Yeah, that's good. That's good. We are Bun! I mean, she does sail in the fucking Top Gun, too. You remember that scene?

Yeah, I love that. She's trying to figure out how to sail. She's like, let me show you. You gotta go like this. So they're co-pilots. Yeah. And yeah, you've already got the stars. It's Tom Cruise and whoever the lady was.

Yeah. And it's pretty perfect. What was her name? The lady in Top Gun. Do you remember Casey? Jennifer Coolidge? Garner? Jennifer something.

Not Coolidge. Jennifer something. Connelly. Connelly. Jennifer Connelly. Yes. All right, cool. Okay, so Connelly's attached.

Super attached, actually. That's when she's literally attached to the film regardless of if it goes or not. Yeah, that's when you stapled her hand to the script. She has to do it. She can't go anywhere without it. She's handcuffed. The perfect crime can only be solved by someone imperfect. That's all on the poster?

The perfect crime can only be solved by someone imperfect. Yeah. Before it was the perfect crime can only be solved by an imperfect man. But I wanted to leave you room in case it wasn't a man or even a human. Interesting. What is an imperfect man? It's a detective, but he has a lazy eye, which is what Columbo is. A vice.

Somebody with a vice. Yeah. An inherent vice. Right. Somebody with a vice. Yeah. An inherent vice. Right. But that's most like detective movies. It's like John McClane, like he's a drunk. Yeah. So you come up with your diehard, your John Wicks.

Yes, exactly. Yeah. What's this one guy's fatal flaw? He's a detective, but. But. Yeah. Like Sherlock Holmes, but. Yeah.

Yeah. He's got one leg or something. No, no, it can't be like that. We can't be ableist. I don't think that we, I think it should be. What about a deaf detective? Deaf-tective? Detective.

So he can only see. I'm not calling that person imperfect though, because that's really problematic. So then what the fuck is imperfect without offending anyone? I don't know. He's, he's, he's obsessed with balloons because that's really problematic. So then what the fuck is imperfect without offending anyone? I don't know. He's obsessed with balloons. He's a lunar. Oh, that's cool. Like he gets off to balloons.

That's actually really offensive, though, to a lot of people that love balloons. I'm fetish shaming. Yeah. Kink shaming. That's what it's called. Yeah, you can't do that either. Okay. Calling someone an imperfect man is like, I feel like my back's against the wall here.

What am I supposed to do? Well, I'm not perfect. What is that? What do you say? And then for the trailer there, we're playing, I'm not a perfect person. I'll deal with. And the reason is you. Different song. Right?

I think it's the same song. Okay. But I'm going to deal with the soundtrack because I have to talk to Warner. We have to get the rights. It's a whole bunch of legal mumbo jumbo. Yeah. And I don't want to get you involved with those negotiations. Because of your talent. If you say we need the song in the trailer, that really cuts us off at the knees.

That fucks our leverage up right then and there. The perfect crime can only be committed or solved by someone. Solved. Yeah. Oh, committed is pretty good too though. So the guy is also the assassin or. Yeah. Oh, what if his imperfection is that he's a criminal?

So he's like, I'm solving this crime, but I actually committed it. Is that what memento is? Where it's like a guy's trying to solve a mystery and it's like him, but he doesn't remember that he did the crime to begin with? And he's leaving himself clues? Do you remember that at all? Memento? My memory of memento is he's like, Joey P pants is using him to kill people that he's like saying like that guy killed your wife but he doesn't he forgets it and he forgets but is he also the guy

trying to solve the crime like a two-faced situation solve it i think he's he wakes up and he's like who am i what are these trying to figure out who he is yeah interesting i want the criminal to be the detective. Yeah. I browned out and committed a crime, and then it's like, I'm fucking trying to solve this mystery, and it's me. Yeah. Yeah. That might be the Bourne identity, too.

Okay. Saving the world is his latest homework assignment. Womp womp. So it's a kid's movie. He's 12, but he's also fucking Batman or something. But he's not perfect. Yeah. Nobody's perfect.

Don't worry. We'll always give this character a flaw. But it's like a sixth grader or a seventh grader who's also a superhero. Yeah. Kind of like a bat kid. Ooh, bat kid is good. Because he's also a bat kid. Yeah. For like a baseball team. Like a Robin kid is good. Because he's also a bat kid. Yeah.

For like a baseball team. Like a Robin. Yes, exactly. Are there any child superheroes? The Incredibles. Are there any? Kick-Ass is pretty young. Yeah.

But like. Robin is young. I'm a crime fighter, problem solver, and also I have to do algebra homework. Yeah, right. It's kind of Spider-Man-esque. Like, oh, I got to do algebra homework. Yeah, right. It's kind of Spider-Man-esque. Like, oh, I gotta go stop this bank robbery, but I might get grounded by my uncle.

Come to think of it, why do I care what my uncle thinks at all? I'm fucking Spider-Man. I shoot fucking cum out of my wrist. It's not cum. Well, it's something. Yeah, it's thread. Yeah, right. It's webs. It's wet.

It's wet. It's webs. It's wet. It's not semen. Yeah. There's no way. That's part of the movie. It's like, remember that Disney show that Ben was doing the voice for?

Like, Randy Cunningham, fifth grade ninja. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like Daryl McMexican, seventh grade fucking dude. What's his superpower? He can do homework really fast. So he's just a smart kid. He's cheating. He's a nerd. He's a nerd.

Yeah, because it's always like fantasy wish fulfillment with these things. Right. Where it's like, you're a shy fucking high schooler, but also they don't know that at night you're a cool dude. Yeah, you're fighting crime. Yeah. Who is going to play Daryl McMexican is the question. Well, it's got to be someone who can jump high. And it's got to be someone who's 12. Or at least can play 12.

Interesting. I haven't seen you without a beard recently. Do you think you still got it? And it's got to be someone who's 12. Or at least can play 12. Interesting. I haven't seen you without a beard recently. Do you think you still got it? I'm afraid to shave because I think I have this rash. Yeah. It's an abscess more than a rash. It's open. Is it possible that the main character, that's what makes him imperfect?

From the side of your face, I can see your tongue. Like that's not supposed to happen. Right. Through the cheek. I have a translucent cheek. Right on, right on. It is tongue in cheek. Right on, right on. It is tongue-in-cheek. Right on, right on.

It is not super attached is the thing. Ends well yet. Why don't we finish this episode the way it was meant to begin? With a poem. An actual farce noir, if you think about it. By a mere Shakespeare Blumenfeld. You're so fucking proud. No, I'm not that proud.

I'm just happy to be joyous and think about the way that I won and you lost, really. So if that makes me proud, then I guess you could say, death be not proud, for she rang to him. That's just something I invented

off the top of my head. For she rang to him. So you just something I invented off the top of my desk. For she rang to him. So you can honestly tell how good this one is. Ends well yet. Perilous brothers rate and scheme, bargaining with death and failing. Merrily sisters scud far off, blast their breath,

trading their senses for wailing. That's good. Nearest your garments then, that needeth to mend, for all that begins must needeth to end. Oh, I slammed my laptop on my dick! Oh! Oh, I'm shitting myself! Get yourself a Shakespeare, if you both is what I'm trying to say. Yeah. All right, thanks for myself. Get yourself a Shakespeare.

Do both is what I'm trying to say. Yeah. All right. Thanks for listening. Thank you for watching. Always on the YouTubes. Always on the Spotify. That's right.

The Apple Music. Wherever you listen. Of course. We're also making videos on patreon.com slash JA. Every Thursday, if you want more of us. Insatiable appetites. You can head over there. And we'll be back next week

shan't we let's do it namaste goodbye everybody that was a hit gum original