Segments - 240: Cavity (Live in Chicago!)

Episode Date: October 24, 2016

In this episode we discuss bleeding, tasting, and poisoning. This episode is brought to you by Leesa, ZipRecruiter, and Seeso! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Ladies and gentlemen, you may recognize these guys from their failed true TV pilot. Or perhaps their podcast. Either way, if I were you, I'd put my hands together right now for Jake and Amir. Wow, Chicago, eh?

Okay. Yes, dude. This is fun. Yes, dude. Wow. How's your ankle feeling? Fine. Oh, no.

What? All right, cool. No, it looks, I can see it swelling over the shoe. Yeah. Oh, boy. It is plump. I'm rocking a size 12 on the left, a woman's five on the right. Virtually a peg leg on your right.

That's right. I'm a plump little nugget down there. How are you guys doing? This is a fun show. This is that Friday night shit. Yeah, dude. That Chicago shit. Yeah, the Chicago, that deep dish pizza stuff.

Yeah, indeed. Kanye's from Chicago. That dude, I fucking know. I can't see. You got to turn the hat around. I can't. Do you see it's a Cubs hat? Lifelong Cubs fan right here, everybody.

I did not buy this hat at the airport today. We weren't going to call you out. Just letting everybody know. I didn't. I was born with this hat. Very uncomfortable for my mother. What's the deal with the white socks? Does anybody like the white socks? Shit, I have to go get a different hat. You're just trying to placate everybody. The back says white socks. Go socks. God, look at all these people. My God, man. This is so exciting.

You're beefing? I'm beefing. Yeah, I'm legit beefing right now. We're sharing a beef. This is so exciting. Who here has never seen us live before? Wow, solid. All right. All new, right? Crazy, right? This is the first time we ever did a podcast in Chicago.

That's right. Right? You guys tell me. All right, great. So let's do it. We did three in Evanston and six in Joliet, Illinois. I remember the Joliet show. Yeah, we did a tour, a run of Joliet shows.

It must have been seven shows and six nights at the Joliet Cafe. No one came to one. Yeah, nobody showed up. Completely empty. This was before the podcast, so why would they come? Sorry, I worked at the Joliet Cafe is what I meant to say. You were a busboy. Yeah.

That's right. I would wipe down the countertops. We know what the busboys do. Okay. So for those of you who don't know, this is a podcast, a live podcast, an advice podcast. Jake and I host an advice show called If I Were You. Yes. Yes.

That's right. You don't have to applaud, but it does feel good when you do. People will email us. They're in sticky situations. They're seeking our guidance, our wisdom, and that makes sense. I mean, look at me. I got my shit together. And we do our best to answer these questions. Sometimes it's just us sort of cradling each other, naked, sweating in like a sweat lodge type situation in our studio.

High on ayahuasca, spooning, in the darkest night. Yeah, pitch black. You don't know true pitch black until you've been in our podcast recording studio. Yeah, eyes open, closed,

no difference at all. I can't tell the difference because I am wet from the head down, slick, shiny. Yeah, like the cogs in Minority Report or something.

Yeah. That's how we do it. We're wetter still, like a sauna. Have you ever been to a sauna but complained that it's too hot because it's too stinky in the sauna? What the fuck is a sauna? You're talking about a sauna? No, no, no.

This is different. I am not sure if that's true. So I'm going to let it go. Maybe saunas an extra wet song. I don't fucking know. And sometimes we'll do it in front of all of our friends in Joliet, Illinois. And as always, we begin our podcast by doing two minutes about our sponsors. Let's face away from the audience.

This one's brought to you by MeUndies, that's right. Have you ever heard of Modal? What? Modal? You're pulling up the talking points on your iWatch. That'd be cool. Let's do the show. Let's do the show! What do you say we get a little closer to these guys?

This dude right here. Hey, the beefy man in the dope shirt. I like that. Actually, I'm going to get a little further away. Fine. Leave me alone with my dude. This guy's in a lot. I know people are listening at home can't see,

but there's a dude in the front row in a lobster costume. What are you going to do after the show? Are you just going to go walk around Chicago in the lobster costume? I already did. He already did. Awesome. Lobster man sexually assaults four. What's in that box oh so you brought a box with loose cash that's like it's such a big box

did security fucking pat this guy down it's a box roughly the size of like a portable record player, right? That's like a... What do you usually have in your pockets? Two pizzas. Checks out. Boy. So, on my phone, in my hand, are real emails from real people. These are real

humans seeking our guidance. What we do is give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. I heard a couple, I heard a couple Crandises. Yeah, Crandis, I got you. I feel you. Let's do, Crandis in this situation is a guy. Crandis writes, so here's my problem. Seven months ago, I started dating a dime, a 10 cent piece. Okay. Yeah. That's what's up. Everything was peachy. Everything was peachy and going well until my dentist appointment came about a month ago. No idea where this could possibly go. I bet you guys are wrong. I get nervous about the dentist because my teeth are really, really bad.

When asked about going to the dentist, my girlfriend was concerned about my dentist anxiety and asked to see my teeth. Fuck no, I said. I won't let it happen. I have one cavity so bad that sometimes I have blood

in my shit do I have to read the rest of that sentence? or can you guys connect the dots? it is kind of a riddle he has a cavity so bad he shits blood. His mouth is so not good that it's affecting

his anus. Yeah. Feet away. Blood. Dr. Kanye confronting a medical mystery Kanye the periodontist does not approve I have one cavity so bad

that I sometimes have blood in my shit because my mouth bleeds so much there you are anyways so casual, so cool enough about me whatever There you are. Yeah. Anyways. Never matter. So casual. So cool.

Enough about me. Whatever. Going to fix my teeth is obviously more of a recent thing. So how do I Jedi mind trick my girlfriend into forgetting about my teeth whenever it comes up? Which is probably more often than it should. I worry she'll break up with me if she looks in my mouth. P.S. If she doesn't break up with me, I know kissing would be different,

but do you think I could still go down on her without her thinking about my mouth of shame? Love, Crandice. Give it up for Crandice. Mouth of shame. How did he get out of it the first time? She's like, let me see your teeth, and he's... No! How do you not see someone's teeth?

It's not like he's hiding them in his closet. But cavities aren't in the front. They're on the top of the teeth. A cavity can be a hole in any tooth. He says his teeth are so bad he shits blood. Are you telling me this girl can't see that? I don't know. Well, I'm not condoning his teeth.

That's for sure. It seems like his problem is way more so the teeth than hiding them from his girlfriend. Hiding his teeth yeah focus on the real problem at hand what is he wearing a surgical mask always how do you how can you never show any i can understand hiding your bottom teeth like you can't really do that then there's some people that hide the tie yeah no actually i can I can't do that one. Trump does that a lot. The, like, right? Listen, we all love Trump, but come on.

What is he hiding? His taxes, his top teeth? Something's got to give. You should be a pundit with that shit. Really? Yeah. A pundit? I shouldn't have played the Trump card.

You got a little bit of booze for that pun, which I understand. That's understandable, yeah. So he's hidden his teeth this long, however possible. Now he's going to the dentist, where should be going to what is the ass doctor? Oh, a proctologist? GI? IGGI? Gastrointestinal? When you shit blood, who are you calling? Yeah, GI.

So you should be going to that doctor. But he knows where the blood's coming from. It's not in his butt. A hole in his mouth so deep that it bleeds always? I guess there's... I'm not a doctor, but... You're not in anything.

I'm a Cubs fan. Unless they lose, then the Dodger hat comes on. Then it was rigged. Alright. I think, if you're swallowing blood, why does it go into your shit and not your piss? Oh, let me think about that. I think he's're swallowing blood, why does it go into your shit and not your piss? Oh, let me think about that.

I think he's got another problem. I think in addition to his bad teeth, he has a bad ass. Yeah, when you drink stuff, does that water go into your stomach or does it go bypass your stomach straight into like the bladder? I don't know because sometimes when I drink a lot of whiskey, my shit is sort of different. Yeah. Whiskey shit. That's what they call it.

And also the whiskey dick. Whiskey makes everything better. Or a lot worse. Ding. Heh. So this guy has bad teeth, a cavity, a hole in his tooth so bad he shits blood. He wants to know how can he hide it from his girlfriend. The answer is...

You can't. You cannot. Nor... I think she probably already knows. I think he's sort of... Oh, yeah, definitely. She knows you have bad teeth. Yeah.

And she's still down. She's still down. Yeah. That's nice. What if he was going down on her and one of his teeth fell out? Oh. What if one of her pubes wrapped around the cavity? Oh, shit.

Yeah, like when you floss and they close the door? Yeah, your old man used to slam the door. That's right. Oh, it's not disgusting. He's the one that's doing it. We're just describing it to you. Hypothetically. Yeah, all we're doing is saying things.

He's the one that's never doing it. You're the perverts that are picturing it. Ugh, gross. Anyway, so it's like a lasso of pubic hair at that point. And the way that cavity works is that it's a hook. What? The negative space creates a hook in his teeth. I didn't realize that.

Is that how cavities work? His cavity. His fake cavity. Oh, also his anal cavity, which is producing blood from his mouth hole. Yeah, he should get his anal cavity filled. That way, it's the same

thing. The doctor puts on the fucking sunglasses and he does the laser. Oh, the drill? Yeah. The Novocaine first. Let's move on. Because I'm sure his girlfriend already has. She's accepted him for what he is.

So, yeah. Why don't you enjoy her? Because who knows when you'll find somebody that doesn't mind that you're shitting blood from your teeth. Let's go to Alfred Crandis one more time. Should we ask Lobster Man for a female name? Oh, that's a nice idea. He just opened his mouth and 40 sardines came out.

Oh my God, you're getting into character. You're a crustacean, man. Are you crustacean? You are half crustacean? That's good. You are chugging water like you need it to survive. And it's salt water. I can see. That's what you brought in the box.

Glasses of salt water and kelp. I was told there's no food here's what you brought in the box. Glasses of saltwater and kelp. Holy shit, it's full of seaweed. I was told there's no food here, but you're eating kelp. Kelp. I need some seaweed. Kelp. Not just any seaweed?

Kelp. I don't know the rest of this one. When I was young. All right. Do you have a female's name? That's pretty good, actually. Did you come up with Fontaine Overy on the spot? Somebody else.

You alley-ooped Fontaine Overy? This isn't a test that you had to cheat. He didn't have to whisper the answer. You could have said anything. That being said, Fontaine Overy was the correct answer. Okay, so he said Fontaine, you said Overy together, Fontaine Overy. Now that we know the origin story. Fontaine Overy writes...

He's on Twitter. Apologize. I didn't mean to interrupt you there. Want to mansplain anything to you? I'm not going to say anything. Honestly, I apologize. Bin. I'm not going to talk.

Yeah. Whenever you're ready. So I've been... No, no, no. Let's do it. No, just joking. So I've been seeing someone for almost a year, and I really care about him.

We have so much fun together, and he's super sweet and caring and funny, and our sex is pretty good and active. Oh. But here's and active. Oh. But here's the thing. Oh, dear. Here's the thing, she writes. Here's the thing, Fontaine Overy explains.

I think he has a micro-penis. I guess. Of course, I don't like him any less because of it, but it definitely impedes me from having a fully satisfying sexual experience because I can't really feel him when we're having sex. We've never explicitly addressed this part of our sex lives. As our relationship continues, I feel like it should be discussed. What are your thoughts? I can't tell if he knows he has a pretty small dick and just hasn't said and just hasn't said anything because he's embarrassed or if he's expecting me

to say something he outwardly compliments me on my physical characteristics all the time and i really haven't reciprocated. He goes down on me every time we have sex because I've yet to orgasm from sex because of the penis size. Yeah. Is it wrong to just avoid complimenting him? Should I address this problem? Kelp!

What? What the fuck? How did you not? It was you! Ah! Oh, sorry. Help. I misread that. All right, let's go to Fontaine O'Reilly.

All right. So, first I think it's funny that she described her sex life as pretty good because they were having it. Yeah. So, the other thing I will submit is that he isn't expecting you to say something about his small penis. That's his greatest fear.

That and, like, snakes, I bet. Snakes give him a complex because they're so long and thick. Oh, yeah. Micro penis. Why did it have to be micro penis? Snakes give them a complex because they're so long and thick. Oh, yeah. Micropenis. Why did it have to be micropenis? Harrison Ford looking at a tiny little... Yeah, little dicks. Like chattering teeth.

Why do the dicks have teeth? Because I'm tying it back to the first question. Do you know what a micropenis is? Fuck no, I don't. But you did, you sent me a Wikipedia article about micropenis. Yeah.

So now I, so what I thought a micropenis was, was like this medical condition where your penis is like the size of a, I don't know, Lego, a small Lego, and not even a two by three,

a one by two Lego. Ooh. And like it had like a medical term for it, I don't know, Lego? A small Lego? And not even a 2x3, a 1x2 Lego? And it had a medical term for it, but people just called it micro-penis for short. But that's not true. Micro-penis is indeed a small dick, but it's not the size of a micro-machine, which is a very misleading name. The way it was scientifically defined

was 2.5 standard deviations below average. Do you know what the average dick size is? Five. That was so fast. Is it five inches? Five and a half.

It's gotta be six and a half somewhere. Is what the guy should say. So the way it worked was that it said that it was like two and a half inches or less. If you were in the bottom two percentile of dick size, you have a micro penis. So when she says she thinks he has a micro penis, she just might see a small penis that's not technically a micro penis.

I guess if you're debating is it micro or not, then at the very least it's too small. What was the question? He compliments me, should I compliment him back? Oh. So he'll be like, I really like your butt and boobs.

And... What private part of mine do you... You couldn't... Tit for tat. And I do like your tits. And your tat. Your tattoos On your vagina

What do you like about my dick? Why does a compliment have to be about his dick? Oh, so she can switch it up I like your shirt Oh, thank you So, hey, I really like your tits And I think your shirt's pretty good I like the way your vagina tastes

And I like the way your vagina tastes. And I like the way your mouth tastes. And what do you think about my micro-dick? Oh, you already know. Oh. Why, it keeps me up at night all the time. What does... What does... What good does telling him his penis is small do?

It doesn't make it grow. It... does telling him his penis is small do? It doesn't make it grow. I like your idea of complimenting another part of his body until he forgets that he has a dick at all. You could compliment everything around it. Yeah. I like your balls. Yeah, can a micro-penis have average balls? Or is it all part of a package deal?

You gotta talk to God, man. We have a lot of doctor questions tonight. Can I drink blood and not shit it? Do your balls have to be small, too? This is like 6th grade

sex ed, and these are the questions we're asking. Yeah, that is kind of fun. Remember, there are no dumb questions, everybody. Does anyone know micro penis affects balls? Here's the thing. No? That guy has a micro penis. Oh my god! Get him on stage!

Let's flick it! Boing, boing, boing, boing! If there's at least a hundred men in here, which there probably is, odds are two of them have a micro penis. No. Yeah. Bottom 2%.

What? If we all line up by dick sizes, this guy knows what I'm talking about. But the good news is two of us have macro dicks. Yeah, that's what's up. All right, fine. Let's do it. 100 guys on stage? If you don't want to do it, then that proves you have the, fine. Let's do it. What? 100 guys on stage?

If you don't want to do it, then that proves you have the micropenis. I'll do it. I swear I'll take my dick out. And you promise everyone else will? You do have a micropenis. Oh. Look at this big swinging dick. Ding.

It's half of a rubber band that snapped already. From his claws. Half of a penne. Oh, just an elbow. Oh yeah, an elbow macaroni. A dick the size of a nipple. A dipple. Or a nick. I like dimple.

So better not to mention it at all rather than to like try to play coy can she straight up lie and compliment him or will he know oh you can lie and say I like the size of your normal sized dick and he'll be like yeah I guess I haven't

seen a dick before I'm blind so it's average. Jesus, it's so small that saying it's normal is hot to him? Yeah. I fucking love your average size. Oh, yeah, right in the mean. You know what I mean?

Should I address the problem? You're saying yes. No, you're saying address the penis. Oh, she said lie. Lie. We all say lie. Lie, but about the penis. It's good to lie to people you love.

Those are the people you have to lie to the most. It shows that you care. It's love. Respect. I lie all the time. But you lie in the other way. By saying I have a huge dick? Yeah.

That's not a lie. Chicago, this is the moment I've been waiting for. Exactly five inches? At a certain point, penis size becomes detrimental, right? Like, would you rather have a three-foot dick or a three-inch dick? Three foot. What? You'd rather have a yard than fourth in inches?

A yard, yeah. I could go for a dick slightly smaller than the one I already have. It's four and a half feet. I really don't think it can get too big. I would rather, yeah. Obviously, a yard is too big. It would go down past your feet. I really don't think it can get too big. I would rather, yeah. Obviously a yard is too big. It would go down past your knee. That's right.

That's you jerking off right here. Oh, yeah. You would like that? I do like that. Again, not a good thing. Move on. You're feeling fake pride for something that's not really good. Awesome.

All right, let's give it up for her for asking that question. Fontaine Overy? I thought it was Fontaine Volva for a second. Overy is good. You want to call in someone for the next name? Oh. Did you hear something that you liked? Yeah, I heard the first person yell Django Wait, no, I want to

Something from you two Corduroy Morris? Wait, no, no You chose the last one Now stop it I'm trying to hit on these two women. What's the name?

You're doing great so far, dude. And I'm talking about your name. Half a sentence in and you stumbled. Watch how it's done, motherfucker. What's it? The name. For those of you listening, at home Jake just dropped his dick yeah baby

give me a name what is it wait that's your name that's her your fake name is just her actual name Rebecca can you give me a fake name? Ashmeel? Okay, Ashmeel.

I like it. That's Jewish enough for you, isn't it? Yeah. Call me Ashmeel. Right. That guy loved it. For one. Your rabbi? Very good. Cinnamon toast and...

Cinnamon toast and... Cinnamon toast and... Cinnamon toast and... Cinnamon toast and... Cinnamon toast and Cheerios. A lot of lobster guys dancing. I love it. You're coming to fucking Detroit with us, dude.

You have to go on the plane in that. Yeah. Well, you packed a purse. We're good. I want to make a dark movie about how we befriend you

and force you to never take it off and you get sad at us. All of your dreams turn into nightmares. Yeah. We spend the third act in a sauna. That's a hot

sauna. You can't take it anymore because that doesn't breathe. Ashmeal writes, Hey guys, not so much of a relationship problem as it is a little bump. This is going to be an enormous problem. My girlfriend has a hatred of swallowing.

So far as she won't even spit. If cum gets anywhere near her mouth, she'll freak out. She says it's the taste that's gross and that's what bothers her, but she's only tried twice, so how could she really know? So, being the curious boy that I am, you already know where it's going, right? Not every time,

but most times at this point. When I jerk it, I'll have a sly taste. Sometimes I'll even nut straight into my own mouth for the sake of a convenient cleanup. So that's not a sly taste. That's drinking directly from the spigot. Yeah. That's the Pauly Shore wheezing

the juice. And now it's tasting, dare I say it, good? Really, my question is, how do I convince my GF to try again without telling her that I eat my own cum? Big fan. I hope you can help.

Love, Ashmeel. Ashmeel. Okay. I don't even think it's possible to get the force to have it conveniently in your mouth? Okay. You can...

It would have to like shoot up like you're holding a... You know when you hold the hose but like cover 99% of it? Yeah. Maybe if you did that. You're... For a smart guy, you're thinking about it all wrong, Blumenfeld. Am I not thinking it outside the box? Upside down is correct.

Upside down. What you do is sort of like... I regret this. I don't want to do the demonstration anymore. I mean, when you have a hog as big as yours. So what you do is you take your penis out of the cuff of your jeans. It's growing every bit.

Use the chair. I don't need the chair. Use the force, Jake. I see. So it's sort of a waterfall situation. You let gravity do the hard work. I'm going to stay down here because that actually took a lot out of me. We ate a bunch of Thai food before this.

Yeah, I saw a little patsy you come out of your butthole. That was tofu. That was blood. That was blood. That answers that. All right, so I guess you can do it if you're that much of a... Did you guys took photos while I did that? That's a goddamn invasion of privacy. I was jerking off just then.

That's cool. Just tag me, whatever. Imagine being that much of a neat freak though yeah i just need to be so neat that i drink all of my cum i'd hate to even have like paper towel in my trash yeah i want to reduce my carbon footprint so much i'm sucking my own dick i guess like well first of all you try something once and you could probably say you don't like it. So, oh, the girl that tried it twice? Yeah. Come so nice, she tried it twice.

That's really good. Drink it once, shame on you. Drink it twice, shame on me. Yeah. Shame on P. Slut shame. Absolutely. Absolutely not.

That's not right, folks. And that's what we're here to say, guys. We are the people to speak to that. We are ready to mansplain the whole situation to you. And here's the problem. Girls usually just have it wrong. Yeah, they don't get it. Anyway.

No, I have something. I was saying, I know what semen smells like, but I never thought about what it tastes like. Could you guess? Would you say it's sweet or salty or bitter or dairy? Like what? Don't compare it to another thing I can't have. That's fucking poison.

Bleach? Oh, but I don't know what bleach is. Compare it to like the inside of a bagel or... Because then I'd like it. Acidic and what? Acid acidic and salty like lemon juice like lemon juice and salt oh like a yogurt sauce like a tzatziki no tzatziki is good what tzatziki what about like ocean water oh that's good so you take just like sure like i don't i didn't get it a little tzatziki a I didn't get it. A little tzatziki, a little ocean sauce, some cum for taste. Well, then you're adding cum to the thing you're trying to describe. But a little bit of cum.

So it's like you're saying, cum tastes like strawberries and cum. But not so much the strawberry part. Yeah, strawberries are a reach. But they can also, does it taste different based on what the human had to eat? Absolutely. Oh, it does. It could be more bloody. More bloody maybe if the guy has a cavity.

You can't, she came here with her father, so this is really. That's interesting. So it can be sweeter if necessary. Because I'm pounding back cinnamon toast crunch every day, dude. My shit's straight cinnamon sweet. Because I love my baby.

It's just dust. It's the chef. When Amir jerks off, he just comes, that little chef guy. What's that chef's name? The chef? Chef Boyardee? No, no, the chef from the fucking cereal. Oh, Wendell.

Wendell, the three chefs? Snap, Crackle, and Pop? No, those aren't the... Snap, Crackle, and Pop? No, those aren't. Snap, Crackle, and Pop is Rice Krispies. So there's three different chefs at Cinnamon Toast Crunch? Are there three? I thought there was just one. Just one?

Is it Wendell? Nobody knows? That's bad marketing. And that's another thing we wanted to talk to you about. Because you all know Captain Crunch. Anyway. So it tastes like, the closest we can pause it is yogurt sauce with semen and seawater.

How about tapioca? Does it taste like tapioca? All right, all right, hey. This is supposed to be a safe place. We're just spitballing. Does it taste like a spitball? What if I dump a piece of paper in almond milk for a day,

take it out so it's like a wet wood nut paste. That's sweet though. What? That's sweet. Almond milk is good. Too sweet. Okay, it's that with cum. We'll never get to the bottom of it. What he has to do is put a little bit on his hand

like breast milk and then you taste it. You're doing that often with breast milk? Just to see if it's too warm for the baby. What baby do you have? Nothing yet, obviously. I don't even know what semen tastes like. I mean, I'm so far away. I feel like the good news is that now

you don't need your girlfriend to like swallowing because you like it enough for the both of y'alls. So that's the silver lining there. She's not going to drink your cum. It seems like you can't convince someone to do that. You just sort of have to like luck your way into somebody that likes it or not. Well, my theory was always like I can't.

I'm not going to like tell anybody that I would prefer if they like swallowed or had my cum in their mouth because it's not something I would do with my cum. So if you don't want to, I'm like, that makes sense. I feel the same way about it but this guy at least he has tried the cum he can recommend the dish if he's prepared it so if it's not about convincing her while saying he didn't eat cum it's all about putting down a fucking glass that looked like it had milk in it and it was like your turn sweetheart let's go shot for shot that's a it's not a bad idea if he can refrain from drinking the glass while he's while he's waiting like while he's saving it up you know yeah i imagine it's really

tempting for him that's right so the advice here is do tell her you is it drink or eat when it comes to semen i'm looking at her like she's the expert sorry we're having a conversation here drink it is drink cum i've seen both on porn sites yeah thinking about like porn a porn hubs uh video titles you would definitely see like yeah asian whore eats cum yeah and i And I'm not saying that. Pornhub is saying that. He's just quoting them in a negative way. You also wouldn't say I drank a bowl of clam chowder. How's that for a taste profile? Sip?

Sip? Sip cum. Oh, sip cum. Directly from his penis. Yeah, like you're fucking drinking cognac. Chugged? That's the worst word. I'm disgusted.

Wow. And you were talking about ripping out pubes, or teeth with pubes before. Right, so that's what we're dealing with here. So tell her, hey, look, I've been there before. I've tasted it. I wouldn't advise this. Oh, you would say no, nothing at all?

I think if you tell your girlfriend that you think she should try the cum again because you've been eating it and you love it then you don't have a girlfriend anymore then you can drink all the semen you want cheers to that this is cum alright

let's take a break, let's take a quick break if you're listening at home let's get a round of applause as we... Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards.

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do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah, running is when you run, and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players

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Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode ofkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah.

Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning

customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right.

Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store

or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready

to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. They want you to do the Game Boy. You guys know the Game Boy, right? I thought he was... Wasn't he here? Is the Game Boy here? I think I saw him on our flight.

Hold on a second. Let me see if I can find him back here. All right. Oh! Oh! The Game Boy's here. Oh! I am the Game Boy.

Anybody who has not seen our show before has no idea what the fuck's happening right now. It looks like you're saying something dumb on purpose to a fake laugh, but it's actual. It's real for whatever reason. This is actual art. Oh! How about you?

Do you have a guy's name for us? Micah? Your brother's name. Are you okay with that? Absolutely not. Take his name right out of your mouth. Laura, Mickey, Laura? That's my mother.

You don't talk about her. Mickey? Wait, what did you say? Mark Paul Goosler? So that's a mispronunciation of Mark Paul Gosler's name. It's a different person? Yeah, yeah. His name is Mark and his last name is Paul Goosler. Awesome. Mark Paul Goosler writes, hey guys, right into it. So I'm finishing baking some Easter bread and I already told the girl that I'm seeing tomorrow about it and she seems pumped.

I made bread last night? The problem is that as I was rolling it out, I noticed some dark spots in the dough. I thought maybe it was some sugar and yeast had clumped. No, no, this was mouse shit. I have noticed some scurrying about, but I thought my flour was out of reach. Apparently not. So now here I am.

I picked out as many as I could find. I had a sly taste. And after asking about the safety, it seems like it shouldn't be too harmful, but am I right to serve it to this girl? I'm past the point of motivation to make more bread. But I don't want her scared to come to my house she isn't super comfortable with mice for context I'm 21 and a male she's 25 and a female and a bit of a neat freak so what would you do if you were me?

I'm thinking of saying I accidentally got some raisins in there like tiny bitter raisins is he asking for our advice on how to feed her the mouse shit? Don't say, huh? This is poison.

He didn't research it well enough. You can die from eating rodent feces. Oh, lighten up, man. It's called the hantavirus. Look it up. Oh, now you're a doctor all of a sudden. I read Wikipedia. And? It's called the hantavirus. You can get it from ingesting rodent feces or urine.

And then what? So what? You die. Okay. Meaning? I guess the... What are you talking... Meaning he could be found guilty of murder.

He doesn't want to make more Easter bread. I know what you're angling towards. He can't make more Easter bread. What is Easter bread? It's not Easter. It's not Easter? That means this is an old question and this woman is already dead. What, you can only make Easter bread on Easter?

I feel like Easter bread is a big fuck you to Passover. Like, ha ha ha. We can have bread. In fact, it's called Easter bread. There's mouse shit in it and we still eat it. It's so fucking good. How's the matzo with bitter herbs, you little Jew? God, you think everything is a slight, don't you? Anti-Semite writing me these hates?

And what's that mouse shit supposed to mean? Oh my God. Jesus? What's that mouse shit supposed to mean? I know what it is. I know what it is. Oh, my God. Jesus. What's that? Say that again. It has a hard-boiled egg. It has a hard-boiled egg in the middle? And the little tiny little bits of mouse shit.

It's bread with a hard-boiled egg in it? And it has sprinkles. Sprinkles on top. Oh, so that's an... It's delicious. It's magically with a hard-boiled egg in it? Sprinkles on top. Oh, so that's an... It's magically delicious. Wait. It's actually delicious. Oh.

You're Jewish and you know what Easter bread is? Oh, it's a New Jersey thing. Okay, so this guy's from the East Coast. He hard-boiled an egg. He put some mouse shit in his Easter bread. He wants to know if he should poison this lady or not. I like that he's like, by the way, she's a bit of a neat freak, so she might freak out from eating the

mouse shit. You know what? I'm pretty fucking dirty, and I also don't want to eat mouse shit. Yeah, like, sometimes I'll let laundry pile up, but I'm not about to squeeze a mouse's ass into my mouth like toothpaste and eat the mouse shit. Yeah, like I don't dust my TV every week either.

I'm kind of a messy guy, but at the same time, I'm not stepping on a rat, seeing what shit comes out of the ass, and eating the shit. Like that's the tube of toothpaste that you don't... That's the tube of toothpaste. It's scat porn. It's Disney scat porn. Easter bread doesn't sound that good to begin with

There's a hard boiled egg and sprinkles That doesn't sound too bad Mouth shit's like a god damn improvement Yeah fuck Easter bread Okay If it's not too late don't give her the mouth shit Don't eat around it Are you the kind of guy that's like, oh, bread's a little moldy.

I'll eat around it. Don't answer for him. He might want to say yes, and he doesn't feel comfortable. I'd rather be moldy, and then I wouldn't eat that piece of bread, but then there's another piece of bread in the same bag, and that's not moldy, so that's fine. Question mark, is it? Do people accept me? Is that okay?

All right, fuck off. How about this? What about cheese? If cheese is moldy, you just cut off the moldy parts? Or you throw the whole... Cheese is mold. That's fine. Cheese is mold. Seize the cheese is right.

Cheese the mold. Don't fuck with mold. Mold is bad. Don't eat the mold. Don't fuck with mold. Mold is bad. Don't eat the mold. Don't feed the mold. Don't do anything with mold. He's not even talking about mold. He's talking about poop.

I'm just saying, if we take it one step back. This is not a mold debate. That's, this is, this is shit. So either say, I'm so sorry the Easter bread got infected with baby Jesus' tears, a.k.a. mouse shit, or say, listen, I didn't want to feed you mouse shit. She'll appreciate that. No, you don't want to tip your hat

that you have mice shitting in your food. Oh, because that makes his house seem less sanitary. Yeah. That it's even an option. Here's what you do. Burn the bread. What? You burn the bread.

Burn the whole thing down. Burn your entire house down. That'll fucking kill that critter. All right, let's not. We've already said enough about this mice murderer. Let's give it up for, what's his name? Mark Paul Goosler. Oh, yeah, Mark Paul Goosler.

I'm afraid. We have time for one more question, if that's okay with you guys. Let's get a name from the back. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Is anybody in the balcony? There are people in the balcony. Benedict?

That's pretty good. All right, sure. Cowbell? Tonga? Taka? Benedict Tonga. Benedict Tonga, right. Thanks up there.

I'm a freshman in college, and since I moved in, my masturbation rates have subsided substantially. I jack off when I'm alone in my room or I go to the bathroom. That said, sadly, that is not when my brave roommate is doing. He jerks off into bed at night thinking I'm asleep, but I'm wide awake. I hear the entire process in misery. I try to hint that I'm awake once by coughing,

but as soon as I go quiet, he goes back at it again. Back at it again with the fapping. What should I do? Good joy! Wow. Two people, unrelated, unknowing of each other. You guys should be roommates.

They want to, like, race or fence or paintball. Jousting is what it's called. Jousting? Yeah. When two people jerk off in the same room? Well, I guess jousting is more when two people run at each other with their erect penises and whoever hits the other person first... Has the bigger dick.

Or the quicker hand. Isn't that what Dave and Jeff used to do? Yeah. They used to play penile tag, it sounded like. Yeah, they're not here to defend themselves, but they did do that. I'll say, since they're not here to defend themselves, Dave used to dip his dick in pink paint, Jeff in green,

and they used to just go at it playing tag. Count the marks at the end of the night. Forehead's worth double. And this is not when they were young. No, oh God, no. This is a game I literally invented last week, so they must have played it recently. You invented it?

Mm-mm. Did you? What now? Pinky Greeny? You're like President Snow and they're like the Hunger Games people Yes, that's right The Horny Games, every night

Oh, like you wouldn't watch that live stream I absolutely would Have you ever masturbated with somebody else in the room? This isn't a question about me So yes I have and so is every dude in here I haven't I have not You so is every dude in here.

I haven't. I have not. You've never masturbated with somebody else in the room? No. What? I really should pop that cherry. In an epic way. Now's the time.

Now's the time. Now's the time. Now's the time. Mouth, say tongue. Mouth, say tongue. Mouth, say tongue. If everybody promises to close their eyes. I have an idea. I have an idea, actually. Oh, alright.

Go for it. So I'll try the cough at first. You be the roommate that jerks off because you've already admitted to that fact. And I'll be the model citizen that tries to not hear it. Okay, Jake and I are asleep in our dorm room. Oh, I'm not asleep.

I really fucked up this scenario. I was sleep jerking off, but I'm awake. Okay, okay. You're awake. I'm trying to fall asleep. I'm bravely doing this. I'm a hero. You brazen man. I'm not the hero Gotham deserves,

but the one it needs right now. The one that seeds right now. Okay, ready? Eyes closed. Well, I'd have to hear you a little bit. So you'd have to make a little noise. Does that sound like a little too much like joking? Yeah. Here we go.

All right, that didn't work. Back to fapping. This is where my idea comes in. Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh. Oh yeah. Oh, fucking touch yourself, you little bitch. Fuck yeah, you little bitch. Come for me, you motherfucker.

Oh, come for me, you little bitch. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. bitch. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! The Game Boy is born! That's our time. Thank you guys so much for coming. Thank you.

Thank you very much. That was a HitGum Podcast.