Segments - 241: Cam Girls

Episode Date: October 31, 2016

In this episode we discuss gratuity, jealousy, and virginity. This episode is brought to you by DSTLD.com, MeUndies, and Squarespace! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

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And if I were you, she'll write gmail.com. Ooh, a hymnal. That was actually recorded by John Thorpe from Newcastle. Not Pope John Paul? I guess he's dead, right? I actually don't know. Okay. I don't know anything. But the submission is a rewrite of an old Icelandic hymn

called Heir Himna Smyr? Oh my god. Smyrthor? Of course. Originally composed by Kolbin Tumasin. An Icelandic hymn. An Icelandic hymn. I like the hymnal Yes, Dude. Yes, Dude.

We should start a church or something. That would be cool. Because I'm actually beginning to feel like a rap god. Rap god. All the people from the front to the back nod. You shouldn't feel like that. You shouldn't feel like a rap serf. You should feel like a rap peasant.

A rap nobody. Or just a rap peasant. A rap nobody. Or just a regular peasant. Regular nobody. So thanks to Jonthope for writing that. He says cheers. He says come to Belfast. All right. Belfast?

Belfast? Is that in Scotland? Yeah, sure. All right. Yeah. Oh, yeah, sure. Oh, gosh. Oh, yeah.

All right. We're back from our tour. Completely decompressed. Yeah, dude. All right. We're back. We're back from our tour. Completely decompressed. Yeah, dude. Not feeling hungover anymore. Ankles slightly better. I mean, things are looking absolutely up. Good stuff.

We got a show. We got a show in Los Angeles tomorrow. Oh, yeah. If you're listening to this on Monday, Halloween, we have a show the first day of November. 1-1-1. Yep. At USC. Information about that show. It's a free show first day of November, 1-1-1 at USC. Information about that show. It's a free show. Free show. In LA.

Yeah, no excuses. No excuses. Information at ifireashow.com or jakeandamir.com. Damn, Daniel. Oh, God. That's sort of like a meme. What else do I got here? Oop, oop, oop I got here? Opa Daniel style.

White Vance. Vance. Vance. Can't you see that being an ad for something? God, for what? Vance? Yeah. Vance finally got Psy in an ad.

It took them this long. To get Psy. I think the Psy pistachio commercial will go down in some sort of cultural time capsule where pistachios had commercials. Psy was a spokesman. I didn't even know that. I don't remember that at all. Yeah, I remember Psy, but he was like in a plump little lime green tuxedo dancing during a Super Bowl. Pistachios? Yeah, dancing for pistachios. Good Lord. But enough about the past.

This is the future. This is the present. This is Halloween 2016. People have been emailing us their sticky situations at ifireyoushow at gmail.com. And we're going to do our darn best and our darn dest to help him out. Very good. Yeah? Darn dest, darn best.

That's very good, actually. You are a rat peasant. Holy shit. I am beginning to feel one. These are emails that have come in over the course of the last couple weeks. They're fresh. They're topical. I'm going to give you a choice.

Do you want to talk about losing your virginity first or cats cats cats new all right what's this guy's name um um um um oh you know let's keep cliff i was gonna we've got some new podcasts so we'll name this guy Eugene oh from the dumbbells podcast which is a fitness podcast that Jake and I are on the first episode of if you like fitness and comedy

this is the podcast for you the dumbbells on HeadGum Eugene Cordero and Ryan Sanger two very funny guys my friend has two cats. He had to move, and his new landlord only let him keep one. He asked if I would keep his other cat for a few months until he moves again. So I agreed to take the cat without telling my girlfriend, who lives with me.

She was upset at first, but she has since come around and loves the cat, like it was her firstborn. But my friend is moving out soon and is almost ready to reclaim his cat. I told my girlfriend and we have to give him back soon, and she got really upset. I'm going to miss him too much, but it's only been a couple months. How can I give my friend his cat back while causing the least amount of stress to my girlfriend?

Hmm. So he's cat sitting. The girlfriend got so attached to the cat, she doesn't want to give the cat back. Yeah. But the cat goes back the very next day. Well, it's, you know, it's tough. She had the cat for a few months. It wasn't just like a weekend or something, you know?

This was an attachment. At what point are you entitled to keep the cat? Yeah, at what point does the cat become yours? Yeah. This actually reminds me of a dark, I thought of a dark short story or a short film that I could write. Okay. Uh, it's, let's say the year is 2063. All right.

So 15 years from now. Yeah. Imagine an African-American 15-year-old girl is living in a British couple's house in London. 15-year-old African-American girl living in a British couple's house in London in 2063. Yeah. She loves her life uh

everything's going well according in her brain that british couple that's mom and dad they adopted her and she loves them she has no interest in see seeing who her biological parents are okay knock on the door biological parents that child was abducted by some sort of british kidnapping scheme to bring that daughter when she was a baby to london so she's not even supposed to be there at all so she's like thank god you're here we found you you get to come back home but she doesn't want to go back home because her kidnappers quote-unquote are her mom and dad that she loves and respects very much. So this is like some sort of weird twisted psychological thriller.

Like your parents aren't who you thought they were. Right. Not only that, but they're actually kidnappers, abductors. Right. You know, there could be another twist, too, that's like the people that come and let her, like her biological parents who tell her that her parents are sadistic kidnappers. Yeah. Like, maybe her actual biological parents died a long time ago, but these people are impersonating them to get her to, and they're the abductors. Is this what Annie was?

Is this, like, a dark Annie? I think Daddy Warbucks was a kidnapper yeah because i remember seeing the new jamie foxx annie and it was sort of like this where annie got used to that posh lifestyle but it was not like a kidnapping oh yeah and then actually you're right then her parents come back because he offered a reward oh it wasn her real parents. It was just like fakers that came to get the reward. So this would be like a bleak, not a bleak, but like a dark, twisted horror, since this is a Halloween episode, version of Annie. Is there any reason that she had to be African American? No, I just thought it helped differentiate the owners.

Diversity is important in Hollywood. Absolutely. And I think it's super important, not just in Hollywood, but in Bollywood. Like, every, like, every, yeah. So you think more white people should be in Bollywood films? I do. I think that more white people should be in Bollywood films, just so that Bollywood gets a little more diversity. I mean, this is like a cause you've taken up. And it is a life passion of mine. So I'll be, I'm blogging, and I'm doing a lot of live tweeting of Bollywood movies. I see you have a very unpopular account.

I have negative eight followers, which is sort of rare. I don't know how that happened. You're still on Vine somehow. Vine, all right, Pine. All right, but let's focus on this cat situation. Sure. It seems like the easy way to do is get the girlfriend a new cat. Oh, yeah.

Get two new cats. Replace one cat with two. I feel like there's a chance that the friend just doesn't actually want that second cat back. You can ask to keep it. Ask to keep it, and if he says no, you replace the cat with a few other cats. I think that's solid. Although cats I hear are, I didn't grow up with cats, but I hear like, some are nice, some are mean, some are angry, some are fun, some are friendly. You definitely bond with some of them. My mom

gave away our cats when we were little. Just gone? We would like go on vacation and someone would house sit the cat and then we would come back and they'd be like, oh, like my daughter really fell in love with the cat. My mom would be like, keep it, keep it. We had like 10 cats. Yeah. So like when they disappeared, it was fine. My mom did that with my Halloween candy one year. Another Halloween story. She gave away your Halloween candy? Yeah, like I went trick-or-treating one year. I think I was in fifth or sixth grade.

And then after flag football practice, she just fucking dumped it on the field. And the kids like just had a free-for-all. And I was like, what the hell are you doing? That's my fucking candy. That's insane. Yeah. Was it like a punishment? No, my mom's like, whatever. It's like, you're not going to eat all that candy. I can buy you new candy. You've had was it like a punishment no my mom's like whatever it's like

you're not gonna eat all that candy i can buy you new candy you've had costco for like two bucks like if you really need the candy like she's in her brain did you which is sort of what i feel now i'm like what is it like the fun is trick-or-treating like you don't have need to eat this it's almost traumatizing as a kid yeah yeah she didn't she didn't have the part of the brain it's like oh he probably did you hold that against her for a while? I probably let it go late last week. So we're totally past that now. And we've been working on it in group therapy and stuff.

Wow. Yeah. Just her, me, and all the kids that ate my candy. Yeah. They were on my kill list for a while. So I know for a fact Doug Greenspan took a milk dud that he has yet to repay. I also didn't even like him. So I fucked his wife. So we're even on that end.

All right. That was the cat question. Okay. Here's kind of a real one. Really? Yeah. Pray tell. It's called, this next question is from a lady.

I think the subject is how I usually say that. The name will be Susanna Wolf. Susanna Wolf, who's the host of... What Did I Miss? A news and politics podcast that you and I also were the guest of. So the theme here is if you want more of us, while still introducing yourself to another HeadGum podcast, whether it be fitness or current events, we got you covered.

Yeah, we got real political on that podcast. And you can go to HeadGum.com and find those podcasts wherever podcasts are sold. That one I think is $80 a month. That's not bad. What if we just did that? We just started valuing podcasts and selling them. Bad business plan. Right.

All right. This lady, Susanna Wolf writes, I just turned 30 and the large majority of my friend group has reached a point in their lives where they're getting married, having kids and buying houses. I haven't reached those milestones yet myself, though I would very much like to. I'm single right now and it may be a while before I do. In the meantime, I can't help but find it difficult to see my friends and peers moving forward in their lives. What I feel is jealousy. I'm not some diva, but a feeling of being stuck or left behind. My question is, have you ever found yourself in a place, personally or professionally,

where you felt like you were falling short of your peers? And how did you deal with it? Thanks for reading my question. I've been a fan for years and I feel like we're falling short of your peers. And how did you deal with it? Thanks for reading my question. I've been a fan for years, and I feel like we're old friends at this point. Love, Samantha. No, Susanna. Susanna Wolf. Yes. Cool.

All right. Have you ever felt like that? Yeah. I think in showbiz, quote unquote, or like comedy or entertainment, every time you fail, it's really easy to see who succeeded at what you failed at. Yeah. So you'll get close to getting a part, and instead they'll go with someone else, and then there'll be an article talking about that guy. Yeah, and all of your friends will comment on that article saying how nice and talented that guy is and how much he deserves it. And that even goes for writing jobs.

I know a lot of people that submitted to shows didn't get them, and then their friends got them. And it's like, oh, you deserve it. You're the number one guy at that job. Even all of our friends that we used to write with at College Humor all went on and got late-night TV writing jobs. Yeah, really cool jobs. Do you feel left behind by those people? I guess in a way like i feel like uh motivated to try to keep up like i don't want to be um the guy that came out

of that class and it's like oh everyone did well except for that guy yeah yeah yeah so like in that way i feel a little bit stuck or left behind and not that we haven't done anything like we also have our own things going on but it's easy to point and be like why why didn't I get that far why didn't I take that path yeah that one's the best yeah this person's the furthest ahead right uh Sarah yeah is the person that's right yeah we all know that literally head writer yeah so that's that's the winning by definition yeah. Do you ever feel stuck or left behind? I guess I may be a little bit less so because I am fortunate enough that I was younger than all of our friends at College Humor. Oh, interesting. I always felt like the baby of them.

You looked at the age. Yeah. So it's like, oh, that person just did that, but I also have two years to catch up. Right. Interesting. But, yeah, I guess i don't i mean i think i feel pangs of that but never stuck in a rut of it like when somebody when i see a deadline article of like someone getting a really awesome uh show picked up or something i'm not like oh god i haven't done anything i am like just fuck i gotta do

something i want that to i want that article to be about me one day. Yeah. I think at least now, since our pilot's gotten passed on, we've like stayed busy enough. We always have like a hope in the back pocket. A plate spinning somewhere. Yeah.

Like, oh, this could go forward. And if it does, everything would be awesome. Yeah. I've been learning to enjoy the maybe. Like, living in a world where maybe is better than no. Like, they haven't passed yet. That's a great place to be. I got opportunities here.

I got opportunities here. Sure, 98% of them will be a dead end, but at the very least, there are avenues to be explored. Yeah, I think we're lucky to be in a position where there are maybes. But would you say this is jealousy? She's like, what I feel isn't jealousy, but a feeling of being stuck. Or is it like micro jealousy? I guess it's micro jealousy. I mean, it's looking at yourself through the lens of, or looking at other people through

the lens of yourself in some way. I think an easy way to combat that feeling is like, take joy in what you have that they don't. So they're getting married and having kids, you're single. Think about all the advantages that has. You go home, you can do whatever you want. You don't have to deal with a- Cry alone in your room.

Yeah, instead of listening to a baby cry, you get to sleep in as much as you want. You get to set your own schedule, so you look forward to the things that you do have that they don't have. Anybody buying a house, they have to deal with mortgage, an alarm system, home insurance, property

tax. Yeah, we did just buy houses. Yeah, so we know that shit. I would sell mine in a heartbeat if I could. So why don't you, instead of looking at your neighbor's yard, think about what they're thinking about you. And even though it's different, you can justify to yourself that what I have is good in a different way. Yeah, that's solid advice. I would say even to just like, I don't know.

It's almost like not even thinking about it in terms of what's in your yard versus their yard. Just about like what's in the world. Like be happy for them. That's not your path. That's something that's good for someone that you care about. And then stay busy with your own things like there's no reason that these that their happiness can't be or like their success means your failure and their happiness means your uh loneliness could all be good right and another another way to that i think about that like

that you can that can perhaps be helpful is like this mathematical thing where it's like if they're if they're mathematical first place out of a thousand and you're like third there's still so many people that are behind you it's like yeah you guys might hate numbers yeah you know they might be a little bit ahead of you but then like look behind you and like look how much worse it can be that's true not not just being alive right now is great, but think about all those people that were born in other countries that have nothing going on, that have to struggle implicitly. They can't even escape it, even if they wanted to.

They would switch with you in a heartbeat. And the one issue that you're dealing with is the fact that you're single versus married is not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. Right. Across a huge spectrum you're very close to your friends it feels like almost dangerous to me to look at things like hey at least i'm not getting beheaded by isis right now yeah like that's true but it's also i don't like to minimize anybody's uh dis discomfort or sadness you know like of course things could always be way worse.

Like, hey, you're not dying. That's true. Yeah, maybe you have health. Yeah. But I feel like rather than focusing on how much worse it could be, I don't know. I think if you focus on just, like,

how good it is without thinking about how bad it is or, like, or if you are thinking that it's sad then you can feel that and then move on yeah to me saying like my life could be way worse is almost uh it's minimizing it too much and i love it so those are two different ways to deal with it quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly.

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Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive,

drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have

also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held.

They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah.

So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. That Trump talk in this ad reminded me that we made a new Jake and Amir video. That's true.

For the first time in how long was it over a year and a half 18 months it feels like a long time yeah we we thought got back in the saddle jake and amir donald trump is too good of an idea too rich i have fertile soil to ignore so we just did another episode yeah we could do one dust it off the old laptop yeah wrote it very quickly we the words just flowed out of us trump had been writing it for us really it's amazing i mean like that video was twice as long as any other jake and amir that we usually would have made and we still left a lot on the cutting room floor oh yeah we didn't even talk about the 10 sexual uh accusers coming forward we didn't talk about hashtag drain the swamp.

We didn't talk about his comments against the Mexican judge, the mocking of a disabled reporter. I don't think I even mentioned the wall. I mentioned immigration, but not the wall specifically. I mean, Jesus Christ. We could do 10 more Trump episodes,

but we won't. If Trump wins, we have to come back entirely. Oh man, that's another reason to root for the guy. Oh God, actually, nevermind. No, we won't. If Trump wins, we have to come back entirely. Oh, man. That's another reason to root for the guy. Oh, God. Actually, never mind. No, we won't do it. So the video is on College Humor's YouTube channel right now. It's called Jake and Amir, Donald Trump.

Did it feel weird to be – did it feel like we had taken 18 months off or was it just like, oh, we're back? It felt like – it felt like there was – it felt like we had taken some time off. I think the finished product looks like we, it doesn't look like we missed a beat, I don't think. Yeah, and we don't look that much older. It's not like 10 years later, it's like a friend's reunion where Joey is now gray-haired and kind of bigger.

I feel like we look relatively similar to what we did when we were shooting the videos. That's probably true um so it's you know how did it feel for you was it hard uh you had to do more acting than i did i think this was a an insane amir one right i think once i got in the groove of it i did feel a little embarrassed like shooting like it was almost like sixth year college student coming back yeah like yeah no i could still i could still hang with you guys, right? Well, it's funny.

We know a lot less people in the college Uber office now, too. Yeah. So at least before we were yelling stupid shit, it was in front of our friends. Yeah. And they had seen it for a while. Now we're yelling it in front of funny strangers. So I felt a little bit aware of what I was yelling. Because you never want to be yelling and then also be not funny.

You can yell and it's funny, but you yell pussy a lot for that video. Yeah, I like yelling pussy. Yelling pussy was good. But everything else is a little off-putting, I think. Cool. I wanted to mention that. Video's doing well, by the way. I saw it was trending.

Did you know that YouTube has trending videos now? No way, really? Yeah, it was like a top 10 trending video on youtube dope how many views did it have it has uh half a million in a day fuck yeah and if all those people again just bought me undies wow what a what a wild ride can you even imagine so much modal not enough in the world total modal uh all right should we answer some more Qs? Uno mas. Or actually a couple more, whatever you want to do.

Yeah, we got time. The problem is when I loaded the Trump video to look at it on my computer, it froze my computer. So right now I'm just sort of stalling. Got it. Of course. And now, you know when you click a lot of buttons and then like nothing happens and then they all happen at the same time? Oh, no. Do you have an old computer? No, I have a new have a new computer actually really i just got lots of shit open i mean tabs on tabs on tabs you're thinking about buying a

new macbook pro or no no this one's this one's new enough for me this is i got a year ago screen shit though i'm probably gonna do it yeah you should pull the trigger i would be jealous is that crazy an ipad mini i don't know do i like ipads uh no i think i think it's another thing that you don't need because you can use use your phone when would you use an ipad and not your phone i don't know there's something just kind of sleek to me about like walking in laying on a couch reading an article on an ipad yeah i guess that's a cool look and especially if you can use it as like a remote control for your TV. Oh, yeah. So you're like reading an article on a nice couch.

Oh, yeah. Well, the article is not about couches. You're on a nice couch reading an article. Right. And then you're like, oh, let's watch Netflix and chill. Yeah. So you click a button, the article minimizes, and then Netflix pops up. Yeah, the lighting changes because you got the Philip Hugh light bulbs.

Yeah, the smart light bulbs. Oh, man. My house is going to be fucking... It's a smart house. Smarter than you, I think. Well, take it easy. Because I can also turn shit off. Me and Alexa.

I can't understand you. All right. Here's the exact opposite of the last problem, which was a sweet lady who was just a little bit lost in life. Classic evil man question. This one's called Cam Model Sucking Me Dry and I Do Not Know Why. All right, let's give this one to, is there another new dude podcast on our network? Yeah, I thought there was another podcast that we did. What's a new show that's straight

bawling uh oh ian carmel's all fantasy everything where we drafted uh we had a fantasy draft for sandwiches we all made uh teams of our five favorite sandwiches i think i won well of course you think you won it was your team out of So did the Twitter poll. Twitter poll actually had Carmel on top. Reddit thinks I won. The whole poll was rigged, I'll tell you that right now. A lot of people are complaining. I actually think I'm winning. How is that a good thing that you think that?

You're going to be wrong then. All right. What's his name? Oh, yeah, Ian Carmel writes, Hey, dudes, day one listener, second time writing in. Here's my sticky situation. I've always been fond of jerking it to cam models, but recently I've been trying to save up for a new laptop and pay for school as I am a second year college student. My problem is I am throwing cash and coin at this cam mistress that I don't necessarily have.

As I jerk off to them in their cam room, they plead and beg that someone tip them. So me being the grave giver, me being the giver and hopeless romantic that I am, I give in. I really don't want to tip, but I feel bad as I am just here masturbating while they moan my name. I guess I could stick to porn, but it's just not the same as a live smoke show begging you for my huge load in their mouth. My question is, how do I resist the temptation to stop these diva models from sucking me dry? I'm currently in the library writing this to you two Jews

as a hot student librarian shelves some books. How do I approach her and ask her out as well? Should I just find a real girlfriend instead so I can please my needs, so she can please my needs? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Love, Ian. All right. First of all, not a real great reason to find a girlfriend

just so she can please your needs. Why don't you please your needs for now and you can have a girlfriend when you actually care about her? Is this a hole in your porn knowledge, the live cam? Yeah, I don't fuck with the live cam because I don't get any pleasure out of that live interaction. To me, that's too... Too personal.

Yeah. So if somebody gave you a free hundred minutes of live cam, would you test it out out of curiosity? I'd test it out out of curiosity probably i test it out out of curiosity maybe but i i don't think that i like i i would not like being in a in a room with somebody uh or on a cam with somebody where they're like looking at me and i can see them and they're asking me like what i want so why do some people love that i I don't know. Well, maybe some people are like not shy in that situation. They get off to,

uh, being like dominant or assertive or, you know, or the vice versa. And they're like, they like to be dominated and they like being able to tell somebody what they want. Yeah.

I've never obviously done this live cam stuff either, but, uh, that's more to be expected. i would say people would assume you have and i haven't no uh so this guy is saying he doesn't want to tip them is that how it works with tips i i literally have no idea how it works i think i i think that um some cams work differently there's like some where you like pay to go into a private room with somebody maybe some are like public and they operate on tips.

Yeah, it's like a karaoke situation. I know I've seen like porn sites that just have recorded set like cam sessions that just will replay them. Like what's the difference? Oh, you just I wonder if there's a money in a porn site where you get a girl to do this shit. And then you either digitally insert people's names based on what they are or you just record it you know like when you go to a gift shop and they have like those license plates with like the top 200 names they say your name right so like this would be like oh justin i really love you justin so like you choose justin porn and then

it's like a woman telling justin off and then you don't know if it's live or not. This is the future of VR. Yeah. For sure. So you either record every permutation of noises so it can build a name or you record like the top 200 names and you can choose. Like this guy maybe has. This might be the future of porn. Like some kind of weird science type thing where like you put goggles on and the person.

Knows your full name yeah yeah i only get off when they start fucking screaming my own social security number at me so hot it's so fucking hot how did you know that so do you work for credit karma uh so how do you feel uh what's the question specifically uh how do i resist the temptation over these models to suck me dry? I guess you could like... Not tip? Yeah, block the site. I don't know, man.

Isn't regular porn enough? Isn't that enough? You're already jerking it to people fucking. He needs to get cucked. Yeah, is there I just don't even know there are sites where you could just like tip with not real money

oh that's good I guess no because that would be a pretty bad idea for a porn site bitcoin only non actual currency I'm currently in the library how do I approach her and ask her out as well I would say minimize this question before you walk over there. Yeah.

You don't want her to see this. Numero uno. And doesn't it seem like these are two different things? Like even if you had a girlfriend, he would still want this stuff. Yeah. It doesn't matter how like in love you are with somebody. You still like to look at porn.

Right. The cam things, it's dangerous. I think the way to do it is just really, it's almost like dieting or something where like you want to give yourself a cheat day or something. Cold turkey? No, I mean, I think that you don't have to say you're never going to do it. Just do it sparingly.

Say, I'm only going to use a can. I'm going to splurge when I... Splooge? Yeah, I'm going to splooge and splurge for Christmas or to treat myself if I get a good grade on this test and I'll spend some money. It's almost like going to a strip club or something. Yeah, it's like having a really cool dad.

So it's like if you make your grades, I'll give you some sessions with the live cam girls. Yeah, why don't you try that? Just say I set some goals and if you achieve them, then you reward yourself. But treat it as like a dessert or something, not as like something you're going to do every day. Yeah, it's like you don't want to get to the point in your life where you're eating ice cream at the end of every dinner.

Suddenly it just starts to taste like unflavored ice milk. Yeah. And that's not a place you want to be. You really can't jerk off to that at all we got one more question but we also have one more sponsor to thank so thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode

Squappa you know how sometimes in your life you're going to reach a point where you're going to have to either build a website for yourself or for a friend or for an older relative of yours oh yeah buddy like your dad's like you know I think I need a website for my business For yourself or for a friend or for an older relative of yours. Oh, yeah, buddy. Like your dad's like, you know, I think I need a website for my business.

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IsThisButter.com. What's that? It's sort of like I can't believe it's not butter, but it's for a new butter service called Is This Butter? Oh, so you can't, you're still in disbelief that it's butter or not. Yeah. Like I can't believe it's not butter. And then also in between, so butter, I can't believe it's not butter.

And then in between that is, is this butter? And that's for all the butter that you genuinely don't believe it's not butter. And then also in between. So butter, I can't believe it's not butter. And then in between that is, is this butter? And that's for all the butter that you genuinely don't know if it's butter or not. You're legit confused. Right. Margarine. Butter. I don't use that butter. You could put milk up.

If it's like a Tumblr, if it's a, or not a Tumblr. Yeah. If it's a, but if it's a blog. Right. If it's a blog. Yeah. We just, yeah, you just post things on there and you're like, is this butter? Okay.

And then you do a Q&A with it. Of course. You can link it to your Twitter. Got it. I understand. I'm still pitching. I know. Is this butter?

I want to get to mine, though. All right, go ahead. Queds. Duh. Sorry, I threw up. Queds. Q-U Sorry, I threw up. Queds. Q-U-E-D-S. Dot com, baby.

That's a five-letter domain. Queds.com. Easy to say. Queds.com. Easy to spell, actually. It's kind of cool, and it can be, it's ambiguous and open-ended, because Queds can be anything. Queds can be a game. Queds can be a drug.

Queds can be a blog. It can be a celebrity name. We don't know what Queds is. It can be a game. Queds can be a drug. Queds can be a blog. It can be a celebrity name. We don't know what Queds is. It could be a lifestyle. And maybe someday somebody famous named Michael Queds will want that website and you can just extort him for all he's worth. Finally. So if you want to buy Queds.com or IsThisButter.com or

any custom domain, you get it for free with a year of Squarespace. And you can start your free trial today at Squarespace.com. Enter offer code IFIWEREYOU to get 10% off your first purchase. Todah. Squarespace, set your website apart. Boy, one last question. Mm-hmm.

Hell yeah. This person is losing his virginity. All right. That person's podcast is... Jamie Lee. Jamie Lee. Best of the worst. This is a man, but imagine

the man is named Jamie. Guys, really need your advice. There's this girl I used to hook up with pre-college. We were quote, friends with benefits until she said she liked me. So we stopped doing that. Recently started talking to, I recently started talking to her again. It's been getting steamy and we've talked about having sex next time we hang out. The thing is, it would be both of our first times. I moved away from New Jersey to North Carolina and I don't really have feelings for her.

I feel like this might turn into the same situation four years ago, but I feel like there's an emotional connection from her that isn't there anymore, so maybe not? If I do see her again, should we just do it? Do I give my virginity to her, or save it for someone meaningful? Do I risk leading her on again, which I admitted was a douchey thing of me to do, although it seems like this would be no strings attached. Should I keep hanging on to this option or cut her off? Any help would be appreciated. Love, Jamie. All right, Jamie. What do you think? Sounds like he's not ready to have sex. I would say this is pretty good for a first time. Like, it's a friend that you've hooked up with before. Like, it might not be super

meaningful, but like but I would say, it's like if you studied for a test and the professor walks up to you at the beginning of the test and is like, hey, I'll give you a B right now if you get the hell out of here. You're like, oh, maybe I'll just take the sure B rather than wait and hope to beat that score.

So this lady is a sure pretty good. This is a pretty good way to lose your virginity to a friend. You can beat it, potentially, perhaps, but you can also do a lot worse. So maybe it is to just better to rip off the band-aid, sort of get through that virginity, the first sexual encounter with a friend, even though it's not quote-unquote meaningful, it's still, I think, better than bad. So I say, go for it i think if it's if you're uh this confused and thinking so much then you maybe it just sort of goes to show that you're not quite ready don't cut me off

you were totally done talking you also i don't know how old this guy is but you're telling you're telling a young a young kid he's 11 he's 11 god damn it dude fuck me yeah i know i mean i don't i'm not usually uh responsible but i think that it sounds like he's not quite ready for sex no he said he hooked up with her pre-college so he's at the very least in college that's that's good that's good but he might be a doogie hauser type uh med school at 14 shit i. I think that you should have sex with somebody that you know that you want to have sex with. Looking back, virginity is not like, I guess I have the story that I tell live, but... Take you out of the equation. Right.

I think that it's a much bigger thing when you're going to lose it than like 10 years down the line and you already have. But I still think it should be something that you don't doubt. Yeah. Or will he always doubt it and he might as well get the first one out of the way? I don't think you'll always doubt it. I think people come into their own and are ready for it. So in some sort of weird bizarro world, I'm saying, yeah, go for it. Have sex with this person.

You're saying, let's wait. Don't have sex yet. Make sure it's a little bit more meaningful. You're not ready. Interesting. Yeah. It's weird. We really should have said, I should have said what you said. Yeah. You want to just re-record or maybe Freaky Friday it? We'll sort of sprint at each other full speed and see if we change our minds at the same time.

Completely erect, see whose dick touches the other guy first. Yeah, some sort of erectile jousting situation. So instead of giving you certainty, what we did was give you cases in either direction. That's nice. So if you're listening, maybe you can cut the parts out of the person talking that you disagree with. That way it seems like someone is at least telling you exactly what to do. Yeah, we gave you two cases. You get to choose.

You're welcome, I guess. All right. Thanks for listening to this episode. Thanks for listening at all. Our traffic is growing, actually. So thanks to continued support and, I guess, for telling your friends about the show. Keep telling your friends. Who knows? You guys are on a road trip. Maybe friends about the show. Keep telling your friends. Who knows?

You guys are on a road trip. Maybe they would like us. You don't know. And maybe this is the first episode that somebody new is listening to. So thank you for joining us.

Thoughts? Thoughts? Let us know everything, whether it's a new theme song submission or a question of your own. IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com

is the email address for everything. You guys are not emailing into a void. We are actually reading these emails. So it's ifireyoushow at gmail.com The opening theme song was written by, gosh, it was that Icelandic hymn.

Oh yeah, John Thorpe from Newcastle, England. There we go. And this closing one is written by Eric. Thanks, Eric. Thanks, Eric, who resubmitted his theme song. Oh, that was another thing. If we haven't played your theme song There we go. Because there's a chance I forgot. I'm going to put it in an episode. Then everyone's going to yell at me and say, actually use that in episode 102, and I'll feel a fool. So if we haven't actually played your theme song, resubmit it to us. Again, email address for everything is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Happy Halloween. Todah for listening.

We'll be back next week. And if you're in LA, come to our free live show tomorrow. We're doing a free live show at USC. Please come. Thank you. See you there. Bye. Later.

Later. Yeah, this is a bad idea This is Jake and the Music Files Podcast show Real emails, fake names Doesn't matter cause it's all the same You should probably break up But don't even give a fuck Or kill yourself in a star But smoke trails on the wall Pulling up doesn't work at all

Then you're a girl and you got class I'll stick your cucumber In your ass And she's a dime She's a piece She's a bestie But she's sleeping With all your friends

So cool That's gonna buy you a car A Caesar cheese Wherever you are If I were you I'd tell you what to do Don't take any advice From unqualified Jews

And if it all goes wrong Just write a theme song and send your emails in too If I were you, show at gmail.com If I were you, show at gmail.com If I were you, show If I were you show If I were you show Oh, if I were you show At gmail.com That's a man with the theme song

Right, bitch