Segments - 242: Snoring

Episode Date: November 7, 2016

In this episode we discuss babysitting, sympathy, and home ownership. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace, ZipRecruiter, and Indochino! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. That name is Justin. I feel like I'm going too far. We got Jake and Amir, two celebrity stars with the dopest podcast. How are you? Check the pop it go down, you know.

Yeah, time's ticking. Shit ain't ticking. So, you need that advice. Planning on rolling that dice. Yeah, so many problems. Everybody need to solve them. Nobody want to talk to. Nobody want to say nothing to the folks or family. Yeah.

Boy. Yo, yo. All right. Verse two. Yeah. Boy. Yo, yo. All right. Verse two. Oh, no. Jake's going to freestyle right for you. I don't want to.

Boom, ching, doom, da. Dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee. Aye, aye. All right. It sounds real cool when the beat drops, you know? Yeah. When it drops out and you keep on rapping, you know it's going to come back. Silence. He's in, oh, oh It drops out and you keep on rapping. You know it's going to come back. Silence. He's in, oh, oh, oh, here I am.

Yeah. Remember in, what was that, the song? It was like a pop punk song where it goes to silence and then there's no singing. I think it's the Karate Kid 2 theme song that Newfound Glory does a cover of. It cuts off and then the band goes like, am the man who will fight yeah that's the first beat drop i remember as a suburban jewish kid yeah it makes sense uh that song was written by i think he's our most prolific theme songwriter justin gonzalez that's right gonzavez gonzavez we always we should really find out. We found out.

We just keep on forgetting. Goncalves. We should remember. Goncalves. Okay. We actually met Justin. Dude's cool, as you would imagine. Yeah, dude.

So thanks for writing in again, Justin. G. Oh, his channel name on YouTube. You can shout out a channel that would help. Mr. Immigrant is his channel name on YouTube. You can shout out a channel that would help. Mr. Immigrant is his channel. I don't know if that's YouTube or SoundCloud, but Mr. Immigrant Justin, a Google search, would yield some more results for his original music. I guess this is original music. I don't know.

I'm really, really high. Yeah, you are. You snorted an edible. What does that mean? Crushed up a pot cookie, snorted it straight to the dome. Would that work? I don't know. No? If I stuck a weed Jolly Rancher up my nose, or if I took it like a pill, that would work, right? Well, yeah, yeah. If you took it like a pill, definitely. If I swallowed a weed Jolly Rancher like a pill. pill, that would work, right? Well, yeah, yeah. If you took it like a pill, definitely. If I swallowed a wee Jolly Rancher like a pill.

Yeah, that would work. If I shoved it up my ass, would it get me high? I think so. Isn't it all just about getting into your bloodstream? Yeah, but how would shoving it up your ass get into your bloodstream? Well, you've got little, I don't know. Actually, if I shove it up my ass, will it get me high? It's kind of like a cool love song.

No, it's not. If I shove it, if I shove it up my ass, will it get me high? Yeah. If I shove it, yeah, if I shove it up my ass, will it get me high? Will it get you by? Will you say goodbye?

Will it make me buy? Will it get you by? Will you say goodbye? Will it make me buy? Will it make you cry? I want to shove it up my ass right after class. This is If I Were You. If I shove it up my ass, will it make you cry? This is our weekly advice podcast where we sing about edibles going in your ass. Your anus. And also, we help people get out of their sticky situations.

That's right. I am Jake. And I am Amir. And I'm hosting this episode. You're taking the lead. I'm taking the reins. Taking it over. All these questions were written to ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. Correct. And we comb over all these questions were written to if i were you show at gmail.com correct

and we comb through all these submissions we try to help a couple people out these questions were chosen by me wow and only seen by me never seen by amir uh unless donna brazil passed them to him under the table i'm serious dude got the questions and the answers um this this episode is actually the day before the election so a lot of you are listening to this knowing who the next president is what a relief that you have that information we're living in a world where we're still sort of uh anxious for the next couple days i wonder if it's a relief or a horror. Let's find out. It'll definitely be one and the other for many different people. Yeah. Or, hey, who knows?

We might not even know who the winner is on election day. Ooh, would you take that bet? I don't know if I would take it, but I would make that prediction. I mean, it happened as recently as 2000. That's right. The year 2000. It seems possible. It seems plausible.

It all comes down to a couple key states. Everybody get out there and vote. Here we go. This question comes from a guy. Oh, okay. So I'll give him a fake name. Yeah. Real email, fake name. Here we go. Hot Chad. Hot Chad.

Yeah. Are there any other Chads? No way. Guys, I have a bit of a stickler here. I was thinking about breaking up with my girlfriend because it's exam time

and she's been so hard on herself even though these exams don't matter and it was really getting on my nerves. Anyway, I was deciding when to break up with her when she sent me a message on Skype apologizing for being so difficult and saying that she's surprised I haven't thrown in the towel and that she's eternally grateful. Oh.

Now I'm confused. Am I being a douchebag here? Should I still break up with her? I mean, she's pretty great now that I think about it, and she's clearly in love with me. I wouldn't want to break her heart. Thanks for the advice anyway. Cheers. Huh?

Yeah. Hot Chad. Hot Chad. Hot Chad. This sounds like many relationships I've been in as a youth. When I was young, it reminded me a lot in the following ways. One, not empathizing with somebody else's stress, which is like, why are you freaking out? It's not that big of a deal, which is what what you can think but maybe not what you should say right um it's not necessarily great advice to try to talk people down by saying what they're

freaking out about doesn't matter right which is i think something i probably sorry i know something i definitely have done before right which is like my way of dealing with stress is like, hey, it's not that big of a deal. In a week, you won't even remember what you're stressed out about, so you might as well. It's not helping.

No. It's like, just do it. Sort of general advice for relationships is respond to how that person feels, not with how you think

they should feel. Right. So like, she's freaking out about exams, you say. So like she's freaking out about exams. You say, I understand you're freaking out about exams. Yeah. It's more of like a venting thing than like, I need someone to tell me that things that I'm passionate about aren't important. Right.

That's not good. So it's almost like they need you to just A, listen and B, kind of agree and empathize empathize and be like, yeah, this is fucking sucks, but let's fucking beat this together or something. But the bigger problem with this guy is that he has no interest in doing that. No, yeah. Nor, I guess, nor should he stay in this relationship if he's like this uh willing to give it up and the fact that she's like apologizing now that's because uh she doesn't want to lose him so he it's basically like some it's like kind of like this game of chicken in relationships so it's like this lady was rightfully or unrightfully bothering this guy and then this guy's like all right fuck it i'm gonna go and then

the lady has to be like wait actually don't i don't. I'll change. I swear I can be different. And then you have to be like, all right, great, let's stick it out. But then it'll just regress into the actual problem. Right, and she's not even saying, wait, I'll be different. She's saying, like, I appreciate you dealing with this. Yeah. You're awesome for not giving up.

Right. I think it's not a great reason to stay with somebody because they're in love with you. Yeah, didn't he say he's like, yeah. Now that I think about it. a great reason to stay with somebody because they're in love with you. Yeah. Didn't he say he's like, yeah. Now that I think about it. She does like me. She likes me a lot.

Like, yeah. And also the last sentence was like, she doesn't, I don't want to break her heart. Right. Also a bad reason to stay together. Yeah. You have to think about your heart. What, you're going to sacrifice yourself just because you don't want to break somebody else's heart? No, dude.

That's right. So what I would say is, what I would do, what I would actually do, because this is what I did, is like stay in the relationship for too long. Right. He's going to get back together with her. Just two more years. Yeah, just a couple years here and there. It's no big deal when you're 22.

What's another two years? But now that I'm older, cutting things off earlier. Yeah. So maybe he could skip that part, but maybe he has to go through that to learn this lesson for himself. So maybe he should get back together. And in 10 years, he's sitting in this chair.

That's right. He's got a sprained ankle. He's the one screaming into a microphone. You're still here at the same age. You haven't aged. You haven't aged a bit. I haven't left the studio in a decade. You're a skeleton on a couch waiting for this guy to walk in he grabs the mic your head rolls off because

you're dust at this point this is a crypt all right i think we helped him uh how is your ankle by the way it's like it's 80 better but like that doesn't mean anything like i still can't do anything even if it's 20 fucked yeah it's like your heel i was just gonna equate it to that but uh i think at least my heel has been this way for years right you can fix it there's still time i can just it's it feels weird i have to be like i have to pretend like i can't walk on it even though i can so i can walk and feel no pain and then when i try to like jump on one foot, it really hurts. So I'm like, should I just like ice my ankle

that doesn't hurt that much and rest it up and not walk, even though it feels fine? Because I have to like break through that last 20%. Yeah, I think you should, or maybe go to a doctor. Yeah, that's what I'm worried about. It's funny, because like, I feel like we talked about this before, but if anybody you knew

was experiencing this, you'd be like, go to a doctor. You're a moron. Right. And you're experiencing it. So you're like, I don't want to go to a doctor. It's getting better. Yeah. It'll just be fine in a week.

But just pretend it was your brother who was doing this. Yeah. Would you tell him to go to a doctor? Yeah. And I should, I would, I would, if I could just go and just have him look at me. But I know it'll be like I have to research where to go. I have to find out if he'll take my insurance. I have to wait.

I have to drive there. It's all pretty easy. Don't you use ZocDoc? I can Zoc it. I can Doc it for sure. ZocDoc's easy. I'm looking up a doctor for my heel today, actually. Oh, really?

So we can do it together. Yeah. All right. All right. So we're going to do that. Great. Also, this was not sponsored by ZocDoc. We can do it together. Yeah. All right. All right. So we're going to do that. Great. Also, this was not sponsored by ZocDoc. No.

Just like that website. All right. This next question comes from a gal. Ooh. Yeah, dude. Bad time. Paulina Z. Paulina Z.

Pauline Z writes, Hey, Jake and Amir, one of your 08 Day 1s here. Wow. I'm waiting for both your help with this super weird problem I'm having, and before I even get into it, I know that it sounds like he's lying, but hear me out. Uh-oh. My boyfriend has told me on multiple occasions that he doesn't like to masturbate when he has a girlfriend, so in the year and eight months we've been together, he's only sorted himself out when we've been sexting. I know this sounds like a total lie, but I've told him every time it comes up that I don't mind if he watches porn and wanks,

but he just doesn't want to. This leads to my problem. We live very far apart and he works during the week and I work at the weekends. This results in us only getting to spend the night together once a month or so. And when we're having sex because he's had no sexual outlet at all, he comes almost straight away. I know this must be annoying for him too, but it means I'm not getting off. Please, please help me solve this problem because waiting a month to have sex and then having it be cut short is really starting to frustrate me. There's only so much porn and sexy Netflix film one girl can take.

Sooner or later, I'll need a good fucking. I don't know what to do. Love you guys lots. Paulina Z. So this lady wants her guy to watch more porn. Yeah, almost the opposite problem that dudes, the right end usually have. Yeah. She wants him to masturbate more.

Yeah. So he can last longer. Well, the real question is, like, why don't they have sex more than once well because he they live far apart he has school all week and she works on the weekends yeah so the first one will be bad and then the two three four five seems like he'll last longer and longer and longer you think they should be having like more sex yeah because like during during their one night yeah yeah fuck like three times yeah that's if he doesn't masturbate like if he's actually a quick guy then if you have sex too soon after the first time he'll last longer just you know anatomically he won't be able to get it up right away i here's the i think there's a

chance i think there's a great chance that he's jerking off. Oh, anyway. Yeah. He's wanking till his heart's content. Right. And then is also like, you can be, you can do both. Yeah. Just because you're training for a marathon doesn't mean the race is any easier. Yeah, exactly. So he's going to town regardless of the fact that-

I feel like he's jerking the gherkin. He's yanking the crank. He is pulling on his meat constantly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, but it still doesn't, it's not the same as sex. So when he finally sees his girlfriend, he's like... Very excited. Unless he like jerks off like literally

like 30 minutes before she gets there. Yeah, and that's why I think I would suggest something like they should have, they should like sext the night before. So maybe he's just like, at least it's slightly like pre-prepared yeah that's like a little more primed like it's almost like you guys had sex or

maybe that even fucking like riles him up more i don't know yeah tell him to edge so like just you just you know go to town until he's about to nut and then say like, don't touch yourself for the next day until you see me. He's going to like come when he hugs you. A volcano that erupts. Remember in a something about Mary, that scene where he's like, you're going to want to jerk off before you go on a date. Yeah. So you can be clear headed.

Yeah. I remember seeing that as like a 13 year old and not quite understanding the importance of that or like why that helps. And then I remember trying that as like a 13 year old and not quite understanding the importance of that or like why that helps. And then I remember trying that technique later in life. But like it almost reduces, it almost like works too much where it like reduces you to like someone that doesn't want to. Yeah. But maybe that's good for a date. So like it doesn't even put that in your memory or your brain at all.

Yeah. Definitely when I, as soon as i come i stop thinking about women as objects for a full like 30 minutes oh at least yeah if not 32 yeah it is interesting how uh when you when uh male orgasms he's just like uh i just want to like lay down here and watch tv do nothing sexual but it seems like that's the opposite for women. Like having an orgasm, just like, all right, now I'm in the mood. Yeah. That's like, it's like a guy finishing a meal and a girl just getting an appetizer.

That's interesting. I feel, I wonder if it's because guys are just so much like we're pleased way more of the time than girls are. Oh, like they're, they're having, I don't know. It's more rare for women to have orgasms so when they have one they're like this was that was great yeah let's have another one yeah like if you if you had like half the amount of orgasms as you had right you basically get reminded how good it feels to come you're not like all right that was good whatever you're like yeah i'll do it again

right but i guys can't do that. Guys can't have the multiple orgasms. It's like an evolutionary thing. They can't have their orgasming on top of each other, but you could reset after a few minutes and get hard again. Well, I guess we're getting older now. Give me more than a few minutes. Yeah, it takes me five days to get hard again.

To refill my tank. Oh, God. I can never please anybody.'re all gonna die it's almost like the semen is the the the sexual energy oh and you transfer it well then how would you explain uh lesbians what forget it what's that It's only the hottest thing in the world. Imagine two guys hooking up, but it's chicks instead. What the? Yeah, if you're two lesbians and you make each other orgasm, and then it's like, all right, let's do it again.

Let's do it again. Multiple orgasms. Let's fucking keep the party going. I guess lesbians probably have the best sex of all. Because they never fatigue and then when it happens they both want it more it's like a positive cycle instead of the negative one jesus should i be a gay woman i feel like i should be gay and a woman it's about time dude i feel like i should do people i won't even ask this question it's really ignorant unless i should

because this is a safe space it's a safe space i'm not gonna be able to probably won't be able to answer it but go ahead okay uh the transgender thing let's say i'm a man who wants to be a woman can i be a man that wants to be a lesbian woman or is it like oh yeah i can't answer that you can it's not like a sexual orientation thing well i think like the trans this part I don't actually know what I'm talking about. But what I think is there's definitely people that identify as a woman. So like you can think you were born in the wrong body, right? So I'm attracted to females. You don't even feel like...

To you, it doesn't feel like you're a... Even though you have a penis, it doesn't... If you're attracted to a girl, it wouldn't feel like you're a heterosexual. You'd be like, I'm a woman and I'm attracted to women. Yeah. Yeah, that exists. So it's like, I'm a guy and I'm attracted to women, but I feel like I'm a woman attracted to women. Right.

So you could identify as a lesbian. Thanks, man. I mean, you don't. Oh, okay. All right. I thought you were giving me something to try. Oh, no. Humans can. It's possible. It's possible, but not't. Oh, okay. All right. I thought you were giving me something to try. Oh, no. Humans can.

It's possible. It's possible, but not probable. Probably unlikely, but definitely it happens. All right. Let's take a break. Wait. How many questions do we have? We've got four.

That was number two. All right. So let's take a break right now and be back with more questions after this. Actually, you're hosting the show. You do that. All right. Let's take a break. We're going to be right back with a few more questions.

All right. Ciao, folks. Try that again. Let's do like Southern accent style. All right, all right, all right. We're going to take a break right now, and then we're going to be right back with two more questions. Howdy.

Well, howdy says hi. Oh, yeah. So let's do one like Eastern European. So like you're Polish or Romanian or something. Jesus. You can do it all right we are going to be that's french kind of french is fine just i want some options in the okay um bonjour we are going to be right back well i'm saying hello i did say hello oh at the top okay yeah is that fine with you? Yeah, yeah. Fucking asshole.

So keep going. Bonjour. We will take a quick break and be right back with trois, deux, or deux more questions. A la vivetage. That's Italian. Yeah, yeah. How do you say bye in French?

Oh, good question. Ciao. No. Ciao is universal,, good question. Ciao. No. Ciao is universal, by the way. Okay. Ciao and also meet. All right.

All right. I think we got it. All right, cool. We'll be right back. Actually, you should say we'll be right back. We'll be right back. That was really good. Not do it in a French accent.

We'll be right back. But we is actually French for yes. From us. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties,

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I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general. But I still have. You're a fan of gambling. Yes, of course. You're a fan of the league in general but I still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and I do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because I do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action pass is like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it

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um purchasing a home what an adult endeavor. What a process. Yeah, wow. That's something we both did this summer. I started mine in August. You started in September. Right. It takes about 30 to 60 days to get it all done. So by the time it got done,

it felt like it had taken an entire season. Yeah, it's crazy to like, when I was like searching my emails for documents and stuff, like to see me like just a naive little boy back on like August 1st being like, oh yeah, let's submit this offer. Yeah. Anybody can submit an offer. That's the first thing you learn.

You can just submit offers that you don't actually want. Yeah. Do you, when your offer was accepted, do you remember how you felt? Yeah. It was like 80% confusion, 20% excitement. It's like basically like when you win, again, a racing metaphor. It's like, hey, you win access to the New York City Marathon. You're like, awesome.

Wait, what? How do I? But I can't. Confused, excited, dread. Yeah, like here's a huge responsibility. Congrats. And you're like, yeah, but how do I do it? How do I do this thing?

And then it's just like an uphill slugfest. Right. Well, the first two weeks is just paperwork and trying to get a loan. Right. So the way it works is that like you promise to pay a certain amount of money and then you have to guarantee that a bank

will pay the other close to 80% of the home price. That's just kind of crazy. You say, I'll pay this, and trust me, I'm going to be able to get this money. And they're like, all right. Don't worry about the other hundreds of thousands. I got this. But you don't really got it yet. No.

And then you got to go get it. Yeah, you have to get somebody to believe in you so much that they're like, yeah, we'll pay 80% of the house. You'll pay us back over time. And then meanwhile, when you're begging and borrowing to get this extra money, you are going to inspect your house where you learn it's not worth what you thought it was. Yeah, they have to appraise it. They show you everything that's bad with the house.

Oh, yeah. And it's a laundry list. It is a multi-page document. Just everything from a small is like, oh, the shingles on the roof need to be replaced to like big issues like, sorry, these pipes are 80 years old. You know, it'll cost you a lot of money to replace them.

Like, no, I don't know that. I saw an open house and the house looked fine and I didn't look underneath the house to see how the pipes were. I forgot to look at the pipes. I looked at the window and it was a nice view. And now that we're here, I feel bad rescinding my offer because of a pipe or a shingle or a roof. And it really is, it's just like you save your whole entire life

for the bank to own your house. Yeah, so... You give all of the money that you have and it's not nearly enough. Oh, not even close. And not even a quarter of the way there. It's... Do you feel like you own a little piece of America right now or do you feel like the bank owns it

and you're sort of like the bank is your roommate? Oh, I don't think that. I think I own it, but I shouldn't own it. Interesting. Like, they gave me this house. They gave a house to a child and I have to take care of it you yeah i understand that like if something breaks i'll be like all right i'll

call the landlord and then they'll be like there is no landlord you have to deal with it one of the most fun things to me was going because every every like apartment you move into it's just like it doesn't you can like you ask like oh can i paint this wall and they're like all right well you got to paint it back. Right. Okay, okay. I don't own it. That's fair.

And I was walking through my house with the contractor and I was like, could we just like take, make this window bigger? Right. And he was like, yeah, we can do anything. Huh. I should ask the person that owns it. Hey, bank, do you mind if I make this window bigger? Bank of America is like like no actually you uh you

really can't do that right and every apartment you're in feels temporary because it's like a one-year lease i'm like i don't want to like fucking like start breaking shit and moving outlets i'm like yeah like even hanging up a tv it's like all right you can get an electrician to move the outlet so that the wires don't come down i'm like i'll just have a wire there for 12 months and then i'll leave i was was, that's, I even, I just like, rather than go through the wall or anything, I like bought a little wire hider. Oh yeah. Which I never hung up.

Just doesn't matter. But now I'm like thinking about where I'll put my TV and it's like, I just want everything to be fucking perfect. But I also have never felt less handy. Like, using a handyman, how cool would it be if you were that handy and you're like, you know what? Let me fucking hang up this TV.

You know what? Let me make the window bigger. I can do that. Yeah. Well, I feel like being handy is something I could do like in my apartment. Like I would know how to like, you know, hang stuff. But I've definitely been in apartments where I like hung things two different places, you know, hang stuff. Yeah. Like, but I've definitely been in apartments where I like hung things two different places, you know,

and like hit a hole in the wall. Yeah. Accidentally. But when it comes to my house, I'm like, I don't trust myself at all. I want a pro touching everything. Yeah.

I want a professional. But I'm looking forward to like the little stuff, like fixing leaks and stuff like that. Yeah, I still don't know how to do that. I wonder if there's a class that teaches. You know how you have Miguel? Yeah. How many classes would you have to take to be as good as Miguel?

Would it be years and years of experience? Or could you take a one-month crash course? He went to college for carpentry. He went to carpentry school. Yeah. But I don't think I can go to carpentry school yeah um but i don't think you i can go to carpentry school and come out as good as mcgill he's also been working for 40 years right uh so that was another thing when i was walking around with because miguel did like some little stuff around the office and it was mostly like a i guess I asked him to remove a built-in bed, remove an extra closet to get more space.

And then I was talking to him about painting and flooring. And I was like, oh, yeah, and I'll have to get someone to do that. And he was like, Jake, I do that. What? You magic person. Leading it to kiss you? I do everything. Miguel, not here.

I wonder if I would have to pay extra money to uh be an assistant to miguel oh yeah just slow him down would it help miguel if you were there to see miguel it would definitely not help him but i would i would love to just be like an apprentice with him on my own house oh that's nice yeah that way he's like teaching you that's what we should have done i should have asked him but i was too Yeah, that way he's like teaching you. That's what we should have done. I should have asked him, but I'm too nervous. He's like such a good carpenter. Even something as simple as like somebody is painting the interior of my home.

And they're basically making it one shade of white to another shade of white. And I'm like, how can you tell which part of the wall you've uh painted already like how could you if they look so similar which one has a semi-gloss which one doesn't they can like see the difference i feel like i would need to change the wall color completely to see which part has been painted already yeah but the painter has such a keen eye between like swiss coffee and bone white and china white and this white. I didn't even know that paints had different finishes too. There's like matte, eggshell, lust, like whatever.

Yeah, semi-gloss. And that's just something that like, they knew exactly what I should put up. I was like. I guess this is how you do find out. Right, so maybe, I mean, I guess I just hope that I remember. Yeah, in 30 years when you buy your next house.

Let's see. All right. We'll take photos when it's all ready. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You put a photo on your Instagram. I did. So follow Jake Hurwitz on Instagram. I could really use the love, folks. And I will also post a picture of Jake's home on Instagram.

That's really nice. Yeah. We both live in the Raven's nest of our dreams. The Raven's nest that we could afford. It's not the Raven's nest we deserve. It's the Raven's nest we can afford right now. Imagine the best house that we could afford. All right.

Let's see. This next question comes from another lady. This is the Sadie Hawkins episode, besides the first question. Yeah, besides the fact that men chose the questions. That's what we should do, is we should have a guest choose the questions once. Yeah, we just make them weed through 15,000 emails. Thanks for coming on our show.

Zabar. Zabar. Rofesh. Zabar Rofesh writes, What up, boys? I'm in a pickle. Not a literal one. That would be weird. A figurative pickle, if you will. Again, I was not brined in cucumbers.

But speaking of pickles, crunchy in particular, my father is a very loud chewer. Strange, yes, but it's so bad that I can hear him eating a salad all the way from other parts of the house. No exaggeration. At first, I didn't mind because it was minuscule and I was like, hey, those chips are crunchy, but whatevs. No, not whatevs. Faster than I thought, my father has gotten more stubborn and all the more clueless and careless with his eating habits. Every time we sit down to eat, I fear I am about to tear my ears off of my head and throw them down the street

because only then would I be saved from his god-awful chomping. The man is able to take any food and slurp it like it's fucking soup. Mother-trucking soup. When the man eats chips, I can feel the table shake. It's insufferable.

Yes, my dad is able to take any food I dearly love and make me go through hell just to eat it. Tacos? Nope. Pasta? Hell nah. Pizza? Forget about it. My father is making me hate pizza. And I'm not the only one. Every time my dad so much as takes a forkful of whatever's on his plate,

I can notice the visible cringes on everyone's face at the dinner table. We've gone so far as to alter what we make for dinner, but the dude is still managing to turn it into an all-you-can-chomp fest. Yes, we've tried talking to him, but alas, to no avail. His claim is that he does no such thing. How the hell do I tell my father to quit maniacally munching till kingdom come? Please help me.

For God's sake and for the sake of my sanity and my ears. Thanks, dudes. Zabar Rofesh. Rofesh. Rofesh. She, yeah, her dad seems to be the Tasmanian devil. I guess I even said, what food would make the least amount of noise if you ate it? Or can any food be loud?

The least, beans? That's good. Rice was gonna say yeah rice it's hard to eat rice loudly yeah but i guess you can you can yeah it's like the lips knocking together yeah uh i guess i empathize with both sides of this as kind of a loud eater myself like when i'm by myself i think we've talked about this before and i'm not worried like if you eat alone in the woods and nobody's there to hear it doesn't make a sound yeah i'm pretending it doesn't i can't hear it if i'm creating it when i'm by myself i'm shoving chips in my mouth i'm eating over a sink it's loud it's sloppy i had i had a real bachelor's dinner last night oh really trying to cook myself something very nice. It was a rice bowl with tempeh, a fried egg, some kale,

chopped tomato, avocado. That's nice. And there was one other ingredient. Did I say fried egg already? Yeah. Some avocado. Yeah. Really nice. It was a really nice dish. A nice, yeah. And I was placing everything in the bowl, trying to make it look real pretty. A bulgogi of sorts. And it just got so big and it started overflowing i just

dumped it back into the pot that i had made the rice and then you ate it with a wooden spoon drenched in sriracha and then you shovel it into your mouth oh man and then you eat it over the bowl so anything that falls just falls back into the feed bag oh yeah just completely hunched yeah fold it in half over on my couch over my coffee table. What are you watching on TV during that? That was the OKC. Oh, that's good. A man's sports professional men's basketball game.

Katie going off. Yeah, just shoving food into your mouth. Going ham as I'm eating fake ham, tempeh. Tempeh, yeah. But at the same time, I can understand being like this is too loud i'm not even enjoying food everyone's telling him not to do it yeah but he is the dad so like he made these kids and now they've grown up to like yell at him so like i can be like what what are you mad about i made you i'm feeding you this is a small complaint to have it turned into like a silly thing i feel like

everybody should go out and get like um construction headphones like big noise canceling construction headphones like uh what's it called air traffic control yeah so you so then everyone sits at dinner puts on their headphones and it's like a little bit of a joke like ha ha but then it's like seriously daddy you dad, your beating is this bad? Yeah, I can't do it. Yeah. The ugly cousin of eating loud is snoring. It's like eating loud that you can't help.

Are you a snorer? I think I'm not a bad snorer, but I'm a, like, 50% of the time snorer. So, like, there's been situations where people wake up mad at me and i'm like how'd i do last night yeah i didn't sleep at all actually you ruined my night of sleep and thus my day i'm like oh sorry and when i snore it means i'm in the deepest most relaxing sleep so i wake up feeling great oh like i'm deep deep in it the the dreams were dense i wake up fully refreshed next to someone who's very mad jeff rubin once had a funny line where he's like snoring is like being a werewolf like you just like come back to and you're like so what did i

miss and everyone's mad at you you killed a villager last night right but it's not to the point where it's happening every night uh so i've never like done too much to prevent it yeah well it's usually just like you could flip over on your side and stop snoring yeah but then like some people i know they're like no i have to like a buddy of mine went to like sleep therapy thing and like wears a mask to his like sleep now because i guess there's different reasons to snore right well also i think it's just it's it's a bad pairing to be like a person that snores with a light sleeper yeah light sleeper i've never dated a light sleeper before oh i've dated light sleepers masks white noise yeah object silence no bueno yeah i have my sisters are light sleepers and i'll be like downstairs when i'm at home like downstairs watching tv everything's fine and then all

of a sudden like it's like a fucking apparition my like sister's just in there she's like jay turn it down or i'll kill you it's on mute it mute! I'm reading the closed captions! I know, but the light. You sleep lighter than I'm awake. My eyes are open and I can't see the TV. And it's keeping you up. Sleeping is so particular, though. And you can't choose it.

It chooses you. So I can't choose to become a light sleeper or a heavy sleeper. And the odds of your sleeping habits working out are so slim like have you ever slept over a lady's house and they're like i only sleep with the tvs on like what a specific thing like you need like to fall asleep to flickering images and like tv yeah i have i have been there but i can sleep any i can fall asleep to anything. So it's never been like. Right. But if you were a light sleeper. Right.

They were not. Yeah, exactly. That's really funny. Sorry, I need to have a fan on. Oh, I can't have any noise at all. Yeah. All right. Well, I need a,

I need a little nightlight in the corner. Right. It's got to be pitch in here. Do you need that stuff or is that like what you think you need? This is me not empathizing again. Yeah. I don't know. i don't know i

don't know i guess um is it like is it a habit thing is it right is it like fulfilling expectations so you feel comfortable enough to fall asleep or is it one of those things where like it doesn't matter if i actually need it as long as i think i need it i do need it because it's my brain that's true i don't know. I just don't sleep anymore. To bring it back to this guy with the, or this gal with the loud chewing pop. Yeah. I think you've got to keep, you've got to turn it into a joke. Yeah.

Because then that won't make you feel so weird about bringing it up all the time. And it will like, you guys will say it with a laugh laugh but your dad will probably quietly be shamed into yeah i was gonna say maybe the opposite be like we just won't eat with you and then he'll be like forced to be like all right fine like i'll change that's too sad a little sad when it might work we want to make him sad it's the thing oh yeah sad dad i i hate i hate thinking about a sad dad. Sad mom, though. I love that. That's hilarious. Yeah, a bum mom.

All right. Well, I think we helped. Okay. Maybe. Next. We should get a bell. Ding! Next.

We should get a producer that, like, dings the bell when we finally answer the question. Oh, that's good. Come on. Hey, have we not? All right. Now we talk about snoring for nine minutes instead. Okay. This last one comes from a lady with a husband.

Okay. See. Lady with a husband. I'm thinking. Oh, another lady. Yeah. The all lady episode, except for the first question and the two guys hosting. T.D.J.

T.D.J. So like, you know how some ladies are like two initials? Yeah. This one's three. Three. Hi, I'm T.D.J. T-D-J. So, like, you know how some ladies are, like, two initials? Yeah, this one's three. Three. Hi, I'm T-D-J. With a space. Yeah. An initial and a comma.

That's right. T-D-J. T-D comma J. T-D-J writes, so I'll just get right into it. My husband and I were visiting his parents this past weekend. In their house, they have an upstairs office that kind of used to be my husband's hangout when he lived there. Side note, we're both 25.

Wow. Young hub. While we were hanging out there this weekend, my husband turned on the computer and we both realized that his old computer account was the one open. We were a little weirded out because he hasn't lived there in four years, but then I thought this account is like a time capsule from when we were dating. Let's explore. I knew I wouldn't find my husband's old porn because he's smarter than that just to leave it there on his parents computer

but i was still curious in general so we went for the firefox history the last searches were for porn stars and specific categories of porn just google just google searches for deep throat vintage porn mature porn names of different old porn stars. I looked at my husband like, what's happening? And he, with a pale face, pointed my direction at the fact that these searches were from today while we were there. We were both grossed out realizing that these were his dad's searches from today. We went with his mom to the grocery store earlier that day so that could have been when it happened. But his dad was supposed to be watching our baby nephew.

We sat there in silence watching our two-year-old niece play. We were just sick to our stomachs. I felt so bad that my curiosity made everything weird for the rest of the weekend. I feel even worse now because I'm afraid I've ruined my husband's view of his dad. How did kids in the 80s find their dad's Playboys and act totally chill about it? I get that porn is whatever, and I'm not about to judge, but his parents really don't have the best marriage. I feel like we have this secret now that his mom most fucking likely doesn't know about,

and I feel disgusting. I want to talk to my husband about it, but when I tried once, he said he never wants to talk about it again. I would hate to bring it up if he's in the process of forgetting it. What would you do if this happened to you? How would you try to get past the fact that you know your dad looks at porn

and you know his specific searches? Should we just try to forget about it? Please help us. Love, T. DJ. Yeah, I would not think about it after like 30 seconds later like what's the i don't understand how is this a bad thing well i think the the main unfortunate takeaway is that the dad was searching this while he was supposed to be babysitting right but like maybe the kid's taking a nap i don't know what the two-year-old's doing i can't judge who am i to judge like that's speculative too like we're we can assume or we can hope that the two-year-old

wasn't like taking a nap in the room or playing in the corner right which i'm pretty positive that wouldn't be the case yeah you know when you're surrounded by people you gotta there's very slivers thin slivers of opportunity to wink it. Yeah. So I don't know. Do two-year-olds have cribs? Yeah. Can they play? At the very least, they still got their old cribs.

That they can be put in. Yeah, no, I think two is maybe too old for a crib. But they can definitely be, I don't know, I feel weird taking this guy's side. Like, yeah, they could be playing along. I kind of agree. She literally says porn is whatever. Like, I'm sure my husband looks at porn.

Like, she recognizes that he deletes the history. Yeah. But then she finds the dad's porn and she's way up and up. Like, this is unacceptable because they have a bad marriage. But what can you do? Porn doesn't make a bad marriage. Porn just, if anything, helps the bad marriage. The weird thing is, is the two-year-old situation. But is this your job to start investigating?

I definitely jacked it when I was supposed to be watching my brother. Yeah, but you were like 13 and he was 5. It's a little weirder if he was like 62 and the two-year-old is to be watched. Yeah. Thinking about dads generally, like do you think your dad looks at porn? I don't think so. I don't think my dad does either.

I mean, I have no idea. I guess I'm comfortable enough that I would ask him. That'd be really funny. But he's definitely not comfortable enough that he would answer. But like there's something classy about like, oh, our dad had,

our dads had like porno magazines or something. Yeah, Playboys. Like they had a Playboy or a Penthouse. That was the more risky one, you know? Yeah, and then you find them. And like – and by the way, I never even – I like searched for my dad's Playboys and stuff and he never even had that. Right. He would just J-O to like old accounting magazines.

Oh, yeah, the tax code from 1892. Just a thick – I remember trying to open it once and it was all the pages stuck together. Oh, yeah, the tax code from 1892. Just a thick... I remember trying to open it once, and it was all the pages stuck together. Oh, my God. But when we're old men, we'll be looking at porn. Perhaps. On a computer. Well, the computer equivalent.

An iWatch. Yeah, maybe it'd be kind of interesting if one day you actually got to have sex with Siri or Alexa. Oh, that's what they're fucking priming us for. Why do you think they're such sexy female voices? It's really strange. It's never like, yo, what can I help you out with? Yeah. Oh, you're making my dick shrivel.

What's the weather in Cupertino? Uh, 68 degrees. I don't want to fuck you at all, Siri. They basically program it to sound like a femme sex bot. How can I help you? Is that what Siri says to you? Probably. And then it's like, eventually it'll be like, the weather is 64 degrees.

Actually, I can get you off, too. Well, don't mind if I do. What would you like me to say to you? It'd be funny, like, in the future you could see how many times you had Siri talk you up. People have probably gotten off to Siri at this point. What would you ask? What you'd need to do is find out where it's 69 degrees and then, like, she would have to answer. And, like, you'd have to assume that she's winking at you.

I'm sure. It's currently 69. Let's see if she'll do it. All right. she would have to answer. You'd have to assume that she's winking at you. It's currently 69. Let's see if she'll do it. Where is it 69, though? Do you want to guess this area? Siri, talk dirty to me. I'm not that kind of personal assistant. Yet.

Do you have the iPhone 7? Siri, say 69. That may be beyond my abilities at the moment. But if you upgrade... Yeah, what's another dirty thing we could try to get Siri to say? Can you say like, Siri, can you address me as Big Boy? Yeah, let's see.

Siri, call me Big Boy. You would like me to call you Big Boy? Yeah, let's see. Siri, call me Big Boy. You would like me to call you Big Roy? Not Roy. Big Boy. You'll need to unlock your iPhone first. Ooh, that's kind of sexy. Oh, you're undressing me in a way.

Siri, call me Big Dick Motherfucker. You'll need to unlock your iPhonehone first what the fuck why wait isn't it already unlocked because they don't want you to change the settings let's see you would like me to call you big dick motherfucker That has a nice ring to it Oh my god Coming Oh Siri

So how will she ever call you that So Siri what's my name Siri what's my name You're Jake but you asked me to call you Big dick motherfucker That's a little insulting actually siri just assume my name is the big dick motherfucker don't tell people i asked can you let everyone know that you're calling me that on your own volition you came up with

it yourself actually after seeing the pictures on my iCloud i begged you not to call me that you insisted sure thing big dick motherfucker i can't i begged you not to call me that and you insisted. Sure thing, big dick motherfucker. I can't believe they can do that. Yeah, it probably only works for me, actually. What are you talking about?

I bet not, I bet she wouldn't call everybody big dick motherfucker. You probably have to, you know. Burn it in a fucking weird way. They have to, you have to feel the shaft

along the left side of the iPhone and if it goes past it Siri's been in my pocket for the last couple years so she she knows my hog alright so you would say that this girl could

probably take a take a tip from her husband and start trying to forget this ever happened it's okay that guys look at porn it's okay that your husband looks at porn it's okay that your husband's dad looks at porn yeah you know obviously maybe you shouldn't have done it while he was babysitting but as long as the kid's still alive which she's unfortunately not but it seems to be unrelated i really i have a hard time getting over that yeah uh i would say get over it but at the same time i would understand why a lot of people would

be mad at me for giving that advice yeah maybe you don't let the dad watch the nephew completely by itself anymore yeah and if anybody asks be like i have this weird inkling that he um was a naughty boy big dick motherfucker while he looked at it last. All right. That's it. That was good. That's our show. I like when you take the reins.

It's more relaxing for me, actually. Well, yeah. That's how I feel every podcast. Oh, shit. But we can swing if you want. Oh, that's nice. What was that opening theme song? Oh, it was Justin Goncalves.

This closing one is by Rachel. Easy. So thanks, Rachel, and thanks, Justin. theme song oh is justin goncalves uh this closing one is by rachel easy uh so thanks rachel and thanks justin and if any of you guys have your own questions or your own theme song submissions what is that email if i were you show at gmail.com we will be back next week thank you everybody if you got a problem and you need some advice email email Jake and Amir's If I Were You show. They'll probably just make fun of your sad, sad life, but that's okay. But what rhymes with show? You should email these two Jews.

They'll tell you what they would do. Even though they're both substantially better looking than you you should email them anyway seize that cheese email them anyway they're not chinese but they're racist anyway if i were you show at gmail.com if i were you show starts now that was a hate gum podcast If I were you show starts now.