Segments - 244: Female Condom

Episode Date: November 10, 2016

In this episode we discuss safe sex, inheritance, and one night stands. This BONUS THURSDAY episode is brought to you by Leesa.com and TrunkClub! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Well, you know I've been having trouble with my girl My friends, my job, my family I wanna know, maybe you can help me Turn on the fire

And seize that fucking cheese I wanna hear from you coin dudes on If I were you If I were you I'll tell you what I would do If only I were you Show.com How dare you?

Wow. Absolutely how dare you. That was by Austin Archer, who has a band camp, and it is austinarchermusic.bandcamp.com. And the Instagram handle, if you have time for two plugs is me and me comedy me and me comedy that's right

so two plugs one great song and that was by Austin Archer thoughts? yeah it was a great song it was like so many genres it feels like it had it all I thought it was like boy band then i thought it was punk rock then uh some sort of like alt funk with the kazoo yeah then it was prog rock then it was

christian rock or chris rock for short then it was christian folk then it was christian bale finally it was synth bale his cousin uh so, Austin Archer, for writing that theme song. Hey, bonus Thursday episode. All right. We need it, baby. Thursday, November 10th. Recording this the same day as we recorded our Wednesday bonus episode. Wow.

So there's a little context for you. But tell you what, this is a world that needs laughter. That's right, folks. Okay. Oh, yeah, folks. Day after the election is today. We recorded all of our thoughts onto the bonus morning after Trump cast, so you can hear that all if you want to hear what we thought about the election and all that stuff. Spoiler, we loved it.

But we wanted to separate those two thoughts yet still get them out. So if you see an episode yesterday on the feed, I think it was episode 240 something called 243, Morning After Trump. Those are all of our election thoughts.

This is just a regular bonus Thursday, If I Were You podcast. No politics, pure podcast. I would like to say just really quickly about the emails. Just the emails. I really want to just talk about the FBI. This is an advice show. It's called If I Were You.

It's the only advice show on the internet hosted by me. And me. I'm Amir. And I'm Christian Baleale and i am amir uh these the way it works is that people will email us they're in need of our guidance uh whether it be before or after trump's uh election people are confused they're scared in life. They don't get shit. And they don't get shit done. Fortunately for you guys, we are wise to certain extents. Dude, what if I was fucking Christian Bale? What are you talking about? Like if I was him.

What does that mean? If I was him instead of me. Like if you swapped bodies with Christian Bale or if this entire time you were Christian Bale? I am Christian Bale. Like, I look and act and am him, but he's here and it's me and I have a podcast and I was in Batman. I would be cooler than you because I would have a podcast with Christian Bale. And you'd be like, why does Christian Bale have a podcast? Well, I wouldn't exist in this scenario. Or I would, but I would be Christian Bale.

So who would Jake be? No one. So it seems like you just want to disappear. I don't want to disappear. I want to be Christian Bale. He would disappear. And now we're getting into the metaphysics of body versus soul and who you actually are. I would have my mind and his everything else. And I actually have one mind to tell Christian Bale that I deserve his body more than he does. All right.

You know, he did the Machinist after American Psycho. So he got that huge and then he lost it all for an indie movie. Jesus Christ. If I was Bale, I would say no way in hell. Yeah, I'd rather stay fucking caught. Yeah. I have a movie. It's called Life, and I'm jacked in it.

But these are real emails from real people. Going to give them fake names just to preserve their anonymicity. Of course. So maybe you could just make up names based on sounds or something like that. Okay. So, like, start combining syllables from other words. Forasilapa. That's good. Fora Silapa.

This one appears to be two emails. Am I only supposed to read the one on top or the one below? The one on top. Hey, guys. It's been a while since I've written, but I believe I have a doozy of a dilemma on my hands that you guys can help me out with. I've been dating this girl that I met

at a mutual friend's wedding for about four months. Things are good, but not great, and I'm considering breaking things off. After seeing this chick for about a month, I came to realize that she and a friend of mine have a lot in common and may really hit it off. Is there a way I can suggest to my friend or this girl that I think they should give it a try?

If you're thinking it's weird, keep in mind that this particular friend and I have each dated and lost our virginity to the same girl in high school. Love? Ooh. Ooh. Fora.

Fosa Pilipa. I have no fucking clue. Oh, shit. We should keep it simple next time. Fora Silipa. So this is sort of like a selfless homie hop. Yeah, it's a homie hop where you're orchestrating the hop between two homies. You're allowing the homies to hop.

This happened to me recently where I went on a few dates with a lady. I'm like, she's solid, but not for me. But I bet she'd be great for my friend. Were you able to pass that off? No. I only ran it by the guy. he's like i don't need to date anyone you dated and i feel like he's i want to know who this was who he's the easier person to convince the hard part would be convincing her being like hey i don't think we're great together

she's bummed and i was like but actually you should date my friend yeah and then she's like fuck you i'm not doing you any favors i'm not dating like that's the last thing i if i like someone and she's like you should actually date my friend i one time matched with someone on a dating app and she's like hey i swiped you for my friend and i was like all right but i i swiped you for you swiped you for you not because i want to hook with your friend. I think I've been there too, actually, where somebody, I was like, it was similar. It was like I was hooking up with somebody, then I sort of ghosted them. And then they came back on my radar, but they had a boyfriend and they were like, I want to set you up with my friend. Which seems kind of counterintuitive since I'm clearly not a good guy.

Yeah. But what's the harm? What the foul what's the there's no real harm in a vacuum like it really doesn't matter and it's fine and if you've only it's not like you're married to this girl and you want to set her up set somebody up with your ex-wife it's just like a lot of weird hurt feelings and kind of awkward like what if they do hit it off and then it's like yeah i dated you before you and then they'll have to hang out yeah i guess you might as well just like there there's like two objectives here one is you want to set your friend up with somebody but the other is you want to get out of your relationship and it seems like that's the that's the executable action yeah Yeah, let's focus on that.

Let's get that one done. Because I think the key is to wait. Like, I couldn't probably do that orchestrated homie hop thing that I was talking about. But maybe now that it's been six months, that girl is probably over me. She's not interested. Right, then you can sort of, yeah, it takes some time. Who was the girl that you tried to set somebody up with? I can't,

I don't even know. I think you know, but I don't want to say her name. Of course. And I don't want to then go back in this episode and edit it out or anything like that. I wonder if you can give me a hint, like mouth. I wonder if I could, oh yeah, I don't want to mouth it either, because then like you'll pick up on it. And I don't even

know if you remember that I went on dates with this human how long ago was it uh it was about um four months five months six months ago five months where the hell were we here i'm typing it out and then i'm gonna turn my computer around do you remember that oh i do yeah barely though it seems like a good match it does but you're right barely maybe she barely remembers me and i can do it maybe she's listening right now that she's wondering timing how long it took you to mouth her name so yeah wait my name did fit at the very least uh listening to the keystrokes like sherlock i want to say the name now what i just want to say it and then you'll have to edit you'll have to go back and edit the podcast yeah and you'll want to say it like sort of randomly throughout

the episode and they'd really have to go through yeah i have to remove it just from your track because what if i'm talking and i don't want to get rid of it like from the total audio my god god what a way to fuck that up yeah just to troll you yeah i'm beyond the grave what i'm a dad because i'm bail i am christian i am bail so the advice here is to break up focus on that and then maybe in a while crocodile yeah let's just not worry about this she'll this girl will find somebody on her own yeah uh okay i got another one i'll come up with the name this time okay zai zai zai zai zai zai ain't new or zai zai miss american zai yeah drove my Zaynu. Zay, Zay, Miss American, Zay. Yeah. Drove my shaz-eye to the last eye. Last eye was dry, Zay.

Oh, God, I hate it. Zay, Zay writes, Hey, J&A, my GF and I have been dating for around three months now, and everything is going great, except for one nerve-wracking problem. Isn't that always how it goes? Everything's not great. Everything's great. Everything's perfect, except for one issue. And the issue is this, when we have sex, she doesn't like me to

wear a condom. Don't get me wrong, neither do I, but I've always relied on the good sense of my female partners to ensure that we're wearing protection. This causes me to be unable to enjoy sex for the most part because I'm too worried about accidentally blowing the load inside her. What do I suggest? Sorry, when I do suggest we grab a condom, she'll poke fun at me saying like, what? Are you scared you'll cum in me?

And audibly moan saying condoms suck. She also tried to tell me things like girls can only get pregnant three days a month, but how do I know when those three days are? She asked me last night if she went on the pill, would I come in her? And I still don't think it's a good idea. I guess my question is, how do I convince her wearing a condoms, wearing condoms are a good thing without offending her. I'm 22 and she's 22. Okay. So they're both 22.

I'm going to have to be very careful here because I am a little averse to condoms. Yeah, you're a condom averse. I hate, yeah, but I also have an advice podcast, so I've got to be socially responsible. Yeah, you have to say not what you would do, but do as I say, not as I do. So, I...

What? What's the problem here? You go first, man. All right, here's the thing. If she's not wearing... Sorry, if she's not on birth control, then I think it's too dangerous then I think it's too dangerous. I think it's too dangerous.

I think why risk it? I personally don't dislike condoms as much as you do. I can still enjoy sex with it. I enjoy the peace of mind that it provides, both disease and pregnancy-wise. That being said, if she goes on the pill, you're looking at a very, very low chance you can still have the peace of mind while also having unprotected sex, which does feel better. Yeah. All right. I think I'm with that.

I think if she's not using any form of birth control, if all you've got is the condom, you have to wear the condom. And I don't think it makes you any less of a man to say, hey, I agree with you that it feels good, but it's not worth the risk of us becoming with child at such a young age. Have you experienced the girl being condom averse before uh yes but it's always resulted in not wearing a condom because i basically if if i'm gonna have sex in somebody uh my default is condom but if they're like i don't want one i don't would never put up a fight because i'm an irresponsible jackass um but it feels like that's more rare than the guy version. Yes.

The dip in quality on the guy's end seems to be more severe than the decrease in quality on the lady's end. Though I have heard situations where ladies can also not enjoy the condom. Right. Well, if it's not lubricated enough or something. Yeah. How's the physics of that work? Why is it more desensitized? It's the same layer of rubber in between my peen and the other person's V.

So why is it more desensitized on my end than on theirs? I have no idea. I don't know what it feels like for a girl to have sex. Yeah. And what if she was, is there any difference, like, if the condom is attached to her versus me like if i'm imagine if you will a situation in which like a dental dam or something i'm wearing nothing and the condom is just uh firmly in the vagina and i'm fucking the condom that would feel better than if i was uh having sex and the condom was moving with me you're talking about a

female condom right is that what a female condom is and is just like a tube within the vagina i think so okay i've never used one so let's say it is because i mean it has to be wider because otherwise you are fucking a very very tiny yeah the condom needs to be like stretched over your penis i don't think you just, like, aim your dick at it. My imagination, and, again, this is something we should have

figured out by now, is that the female condom is, like, it's almost like a dam that occurs beyond the point of where the penis goes. Like, it's a...

It's, like, almost like a rubber coin that blocks... Oh, like, way up in there. Yeah. I think... I was under blocks an opening. Oh, like way up in there. Yeah. I think I was under the impression that it was almost like a layer. I don't know.

Sort of like a gelatin over the entire opening. Yeah, almost like a saran wrap over the hole. Like a plastic bag or something. Yeah. I guess. You know what we should do is when we go to break, we'll look it up and then we'll have the thrilling conclusion to something you guys probably already know. It's still a mystery if 84% of people have solved it.

I mean, I have no idea what's about to happen. This is like when CNN called the election after they announced that Hillary had called to concede. Like, all right, this is it, folks. We're calling this. It's like, yeah, we already know. He just gave his speech. We're not talking about politics, dude.

I'm just saying it came up organically. Never again. Actually, let me take a look at this Florida map. Huh. Yeah. Look at this county. We'll be right back, folks. Still 43% of precincts.

All right. What's the final advice here? We're going to answer when we get back, I thought. Oh, I think we can answer a question without figuring out what a female condom is. Fine. Well, yeah, I think the answer is that you should not feel bad about asserting your preference for wearing a condom because it's the safe, correct thing to do in this situation. But if she hates condoms so much and she's willing to go on birth control, then that's enough of a safety measure, at least to me.

Yeah. And speaking of safety measures, HHH passed in California. Can we talk about state politics? Where's HHH? I don't know. I think it's the homeless one. All right. Well, not really. It was a law that forcibly bussed them to different cities. Damn it.

Shit-shkabobs. Have you looked to see what the measures have passed in California? One of them was legalization of marijuana. That one passed, recreational marijuana. So no condoms in porn, speaking of no condoms. Yeah, what was the deal with that one? People wanted porn, there to be condoms in porn. Forcibly so. Yeah. And only the ones that are shot in California?

Most porn is shot in California. Interesting. That's a fun little fact. Most everything's shot in California. Cum shot in California. Interesting. That's a fun little fact. Most everything's shot in California. Cum shot in California. Nice, dude. You know what I'm saying? Are you looking up female condoms?

All right, let's take a break. Thank one more sponsor. Oh, my God. It's hot. We'll be right back with a thrilling conclusion of what is a female condom, saran wrap, or a rubber coin. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct.

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So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey, and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. Female condoms are what?

It looks, I believe I was right. Which is what? The saran wrap? Yeah. Well, it looks like an extra big condom. That you slide up in your DMs. Yeah, you slide, like so. Oh, yeah. That looks like a dream catcher.

Yeah. But hopefully less porous. Mm-hmm. And still catching all your little dreams so the entrance it it looks like a giant balloon sort of with a really wide mouth so the question is if you have sex well it's like if you fuck a condom does that feel as desensitized as wearing a condom and fucking a non-condomed vagina. I don't know. I don't know why people choose.

This is another thing I need to look up now. Why people choose female condom over regular condom? Yeah. Yeah, is it like you try to, is it like for guys that can't wear condoms? It's like. Well, that's like latex allergy. You'd still get it either way. Or you mean like if a guy's dick is so small that his condom slips off?

That's a good one. Or if the guy refuses to wear one or he has a latex or rubber allergy. Although it's the same material. So that wouldn't make sense either. You know what we should do is we should have a doctor, a sex doctor on, like a gynecologist or something. We can ask him all these questions. Because remember the word NuvaRing? Yeah.

Like, what's that? A NuvaRing. It's a ring. But where does that go? Do you know where that goes? Yeah, that just chills in your vagina. Right. And that's medicine coming in your vagina right and that's like that's medicine coming out of it it's not like an actual trap yeah it's not it's not trapping

any condom it's like a hormonal yeah yeah yeah yeah that's separate uh i wonder if there's any questions where we don't have to look up the answers on wikipedia coming up yeah that'd be nice you know i'm not afraid to declare my ignorance. It's part of admitting, being an adult really is saying, listen, I don't know everything. And as soon as I do, I'll let you guys know. And maybe out there, you guys knew that already. Very possible. We are in our 30s. We should know know that it's also possible that you don't so i guess you're welcome for finding it out before your own microphone as a 33 year old less embarrassing so i i much like a female condom i captured the shame for you so that

you don't have to wear one beautiful Beautiful. Any shows we have coming up? There's a few floating in the ether, but not till next year. Yeah. Should we tease cities or just let it be mystery for now? I like a little mystery. Okay.

Just know we are planning on going abroad sometime and a couple new states or one new state sometime in January or February. And as soon as that gets solidified, we'll let you know. True. Here's a funny question. Is from a male or female the one that's written, bitch aunt stole my five grand?

I don't know, actually. Let's say it's a lady. Okay. We'll call her Chuckalucky. Chuckalucky. Chuckalucky. Right. So, a bit morbid but vital to my story, my mom died almost exactly two years ago.

Now, also vital, my family is hell. They're all arrogant, alcoholic, obnoxious assholes, and they didn't take the loss well. My father and I at one point had to go to the hospital security to remove them from the building due to general screaming and some petty theft. Now, my mother's thinking wasn't too great in the last few months and she had some sort of government cash in for when she kicked it that was not in my name that she wanted to put in my name. Free five grand. Some sort of consolation, right? Wrong. My ailing mother failed to remember the bank this was associated with, and my dad did no better. Turns out my aunt had been hoarding it away in her name, no doubt due in part to her Scrooge-esque husband, and despite a conversation

between her and my father on what could have been my mother's dying wish, she withheld what I believe is my cash. Now my dad and I have to pay for some bullshit government tax on it while I struggle to pay my car insurance. What are your moral views on this situation? Should I talk to her personally? Could it get aggressive? Is it wrong to dislike your family even if you think they're shitty

people? Thanks in advance and hope to see you live soon. If it helps, I'm an 18-year-old girl in Western Canada. So I was a lady the whole time. Oh, good. Love the show. So, mom left daughter money.

They can't figure out how to access said money. Mom's sister figured it out and is now hoarding the five grand. They have to pay taxes on it? Yeah, as if they received it. Well, that seems wrong. Yeah, because it's like, oh, you did get the money, but it's like, no, I don't have access to it.

It's like, hey, I don't know what you have access to or not. You still got to pay 50% to uncle, whatever the Canadian equivalent of Sam is. Samantha. On Samantha. What are your moral views on the situation? It seems like if she's going to take the money, she might as well at least pay taxes on it.

And if she was your family member, she would, this is like a legit robbery situation. Yeah. your loss by the way yeah that's uh that's another bad thing uh lost in this email does it say is the sister is her aunt her mom's sister or her dad's sister i'm guessing mom's i mean you have to be mom's yeah otherwise what's she doing? Dad's sister being like, I'll take it from here. Brother's wife, dead wife. I guess you have to lawyer up.

It seems like. Against your family, but then it's like getting into a whole other situation where you start up to paying other people. This is what I would do. Step one, tell aunt. See if you can figure it out face to face. Step one, say you need to talk. Step two, say come on, it's just...

Talk to the bank. See if you can get it from the bank. Because that... How to save this money. Step two, talk to the bank. Maybe they can give you access to it. If it's like a... They're the ones holding it and giving your aunt access.

Step three. I mean, the money's gone, right? There's not like she has access to the money. It's five grand. It's already gone. It's got to be gone. She's using it. She's using it and abusing it slowly but surely.

Step three, talk to the government. Maybe you don't have to pay taxes on it. You can prove that you never actually got the money, that your aunt stole it. Someone is responsible. And stick her with the bill. Yeah. Between your aunt, the bank. The best thing you can do is at least stick your aunt

with having to pay the taxes on it, because she probably already spent all the money. Maybe she doesn't have the, like, two grand of taxes or whatever it's going to be. That's a common problem that happened even to us. It's like, we made some money, we spend it all, and then it's like, oh, you have to pay taxes on the money you're like oh that money's gone spent dude i can't pay 50 because i don't have it anymore i learned that hard lesson as a i think it was 24 or something

that's another one you can take with you any anybody that's uh younger than us learn from our mistakes my dad used to always say uh you know like everybody's got like a saying from their old man or something yeah my dad never said anything like poetic but he said he always said make sure you brush brush your teeth and remember to pay uh income tax oh or remember to pay your to remember to pay your tax i think it was yeah remember to pay your federal income tax yeah that way at the very least you have good gums and you're not in jail yes and I have

shitty gums and I am in jail listen to my dad folks unrelated to the taxes though and then my other bit of advice is to talk to the aunt with your dad. Because if your aunt is anything like some people I know, they don't respect people who are 30 years younger than them.

If my niece went up to me and asked for cash, I would laugh her off. You would slap her across the face. And if my brother did it with my niece, I'd have to listen to her. Because your brother could still kick your ass. Actually, my niece can kick my ass, too. If you and your two brothers all got into a fight, who do you think would win? Ooh, good question. I guess my oldest brother, because he's strong and weighs the most.

You think he's more than Ben? Ben's got long reach. Ben's got long reach, but he's slender like me. Your ear's thick, and I feel like he's got dad strength. Yeah, I feel like he would just spear tackle you. Yeah. Uh-huh. And then look at Ben and go, start running, bitch.

And Ben would. He would take off because he would see me there and he would say, not me. Long strides on that one, by the way. He's a gazelle. Ghost gone. Cloud of smoke. Ben shaped. You reach for it.

He's a mile away. Help me, brother. There are no brothers in a fight. All right. Next question. God. What a fucking... What happened last night?

No. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Focus. Eye on the prize, baby. Eye on the prize. Let's call this guy Shy. S-H-A-Y.

We're having fun Comedy's real Yeah We're laughing Because this is an escape What's up dudes Writes Shy Listen to the show

Every Monday And sometimes Thursday Hey Macarena Shy's listening on Thursday today I'm not a fan of Hooking up with girls randomly But I had my first

One night stand A few weeks ago And I don't know What to make of it I at least least try to know slash like someone beforehand to make sure everything is cool before we take things to the bedroom. But this was a heat of the moment move and drunk me couldn't pass it up. We both walked away the next day. I guess, uh, I guess mutually feeling it was a one-time deal. But why do I feel so weird about it? Most guys I know are the bone and walk away types, but I think it's just douchey. I don't

like feeling like this, but who knows if it could happen again? Is there anything I could do to step away from the hookup culture that everyone else seems to be okay with? Or should I just go with the flow like everyone else? Note, I'm 25 and really have been having sex for the past four years or so. So this guy doesn't like... One night stands. One night stands.

Keep at it. What? I think he's got to keep at it. So like keep seeing this girl or keep one night standing until he's desensitized like the rest of society. Yeah, you can get there. Yeah. When they go low, you go low with them and have more one night stands.

Oh, the weird thing about one night stands is that how do you know if it's a one-night stand until you like what if you hook up with that person again so isn't it only truly a one-night stand when you die thus eliminating the need or possibility for the second night of standing uh i guess you could lead some sort of weird religious cult with that like true one-night stands where you fuck and then kill yourself yeah because that's the only way to make it truthfully a one-night stand. Otherwise, there's a possibility of hooking up again, and then it becomes a two-night stand, which isn't really a stand at all. It's a sit. It's a two-night

sit, and a three-night lean, and a four-night lay. Ooh, I like a lay. Yeah. Have you ever had sex with somebody and just, like, not gotten their number? Uh, yeah. Maybe so, yes. So that's, i think that's a good way to know that it's a one-night stand when you're on a trip or something too yeah oh like when you when the odds of you seeing that person again are so slim uh yeah uh one night um or what was i gonna say? The not knowing. Oh, have you ever had a two-night stand? What a rarity.

If you were to line up all the people you've slept with in order of how many nights you've spent with them, wouldn't you say two or three is the most rare? Two or three? No, not for me. That's probably the most common. I like to do shit twice. And then,

so two is more common than once. Mm-hmm. Interesting. I'm not counting two times in one evening. Yeah. Okay, like one night and then another night

and then you're done. Sometimes years in the future. So you're... I'm on like a 10-year cycle. For real. You're like fashion. Yeah. I like to revisit shit.

Oh, really? But only once. I don't know know i'm a fucking weirdo so you're uh you're a sequel not a trilogy man yeah big into sequel that's another rarity what movie has there's a sequel but not a trilogy like this movie did great let's make another one and that's enough we're done it's over it's fine the sequel was good how many of those are there is there a number two but not a number three

Alvin and the Chipmunks the squeakquel yeah but there was two squeakwels yeah then they did a couple like a road trip and a chipmunk

sequel without trilogy is a google search but you say you have more of those sexually than One Night Stands I don't believe that more of those sexually than One Night Stands? I don't believe that.

No, I probably have more One Night Stands. But I think I have a surprising amount of... Sequels? God. All I'm seeing is Star Wars. All I can see is Star Wars. Well, that's... There's way more than...

Three. Yeah. The thing is, if you search sequel or trilogy, the internet just assumes you're talking about Star Wars. Oh. As they should. All right, so this guy does not like Uno Night Stance. Yeah.

He does not like them, Sam, you are. I think that makes him good. I think that's a good thing to have. I think that makes him empathetic and thoughtful. I don't think it's a bad thing. I don't think it's a bad thing, but I don't think liking one-night stands is a bad thing either. It just... If I were to impose a trait onto a son of mine, I would be like, I'd rather him not like one-night stands than like them. Oh, no.

I want my son to fuck. I want my daughter to fuck. I want whoever wants to fuck to fuck. And whoever doesn't like it doesn't have to. Yeah, but I'm saying I'd rather... You'd rather choose. Yeah, if if i could choose i would say oh it's nice to want to have some sort of emotional connection with the person you're sleeping with so you don't have to have it but it's nice to want to have it the fact that he wants to have to have it is pretty nice not the fact that he has to have to have it obviously he doesn't have to have it but he can want to have

to have it he should want to have to have it i at the very least think you should want to have to have it obviously he doesn't have to have it but he can want to have to have it he should want to have to have it i at the very least think you should want to have to have it you're giving me a migraine somehow i think you should have to want to have it uh well do you do you fuck no so you want your son to have a different oh i want my son to be much more empathetic than me yeah i am i am mentally disconnected oh i see yeah don't don't don't be like me little one little boy uh i'm able to i'm able to even go you know longer with ladies before uh while still not being like emotionally connected right well. Well, I guess, I mean, I think that the, to me anyway, the thing to do here is to separate, what am I trying to say? Church and state?

That's for one thing. You know, it is good to want to have a connection. It's especially good if like the person that you're sleeping with wants to have that. Because I know I've personally confused and hurt people by like making a one-night stand into something that they did not think was going to be one night or like making sex at one night stand when they thought there might be more yeah uh but then i think it's also fine to recognize when somebody wanted to just sleep with you once that's okay has that ever happened to you where you're like oh let's hang out again like nah one night was good um some version of that yeah it was like should i get your number and like no you don't have to all right now i want it uh

i'm not gonna look you up on facebook yeah i don't i don't really have facebook who doesn't have that at least you have instagram you have a cold do you hang out at the whiskey then that's where we bad i'll see you again won't i oh? Oh, my freaking post-nasal drip. Oh, shit, man. Well, I definitely gave you a little bit of a sniffle, so I'll be with you for the next eight days. Let's

all up together. Eat soup and rent movies. I'm Harry Carey now. So I think that this guy, I think it's cool to want to have to have it, the connection, but you don't have to want

to have to have it, do you know? Now you're on board. Now I'm on board now that I got it. All right, cool. That's it. Let's get the fuck out of here.

This is a bonus Thursday episode. Hope you enjoyed it. Hope you appreciated it. Thanks to our sponsors for bringing us back on a short week. We will be back on Monday, as always. As always. As always. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

The opening theme song was, what was his name again? Archer. Yeah, Austin Archer. Austin Archer. This closing one is Eric, which is based on a song that we sang sort of as a joke on a previous episode recently called If I Shove It Up My Ass.

So, thanks to Austin, thanks to Eric, thanks to you guys for listening. If you have any more theme song submissions or questions for us, the email address for everything is if I were you show at gmail.com. Now let's let Eric take it away with his personal rendition of if I shove it up my ass. I cannot wait for this. If I shoved it in my eyes, would it get me high? Would it make you cry? Would you say bye?

If I shoved it in my eyes, would it get me high? Would it make you try? Would it make me buy? If I shoved it in my ass. Night after night. I'm shoving in my ass. And it gets me high. If I were you. God. Let's put that at the end of the next episode too.

That's too good.