Segments - 245: Weird Science (w/Dan Levy!)

Episode Date: November 14, 2016

Comedian/Friend Dan Levy joins us to discuss long distance relationships and college comedy shows. This episode is brought to you by MeUndies, BlueApron, and Indochino! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. My friends are cool, I have a nice family, I don't listen to them at all. Only just these two guys I've found on the internet. Wait until you hear all the dope advice then again. What do you gotta say, Jake? And I really wanna hear from you, Amir. Yeah. All right. Thoughts? Well, I love Sublime.

And that's the most i'll compliment this lady i love her leaping off boy the idea was great uh dan levy in the house yes that's the studios that's the third jewish voice you hear so in case it sounds like there's three people talking. There is. I should say that song was written by Grandmaster Kate. Nice name. Grandmaster Kate. And yeah, as you said, it was a... Santeria? No. Santeria.

Oh yeah, it is Santeria. Yeah. All right, Santeria parody by Sublime. Dan Levy. Guys, you know lead singer Sublime died? What? When? I think it just...

I mean, the election stuff sort of taken away from him. No shit. But he's dead. Wow. I think it might have been in the 90s actually really yeah nearly 20 years ago no because when did um the wrong way come out yeah 12 years old two more she'll be uh what year do you think bradley from sublime 1994 1994 i'm going to say 96. 96 is correct. Oh! What do I win? Thanks for coming on

When Do These People Die podcast. You know what? 94 was Kurt Cobain, I think. Oh, yeah. You should really mix those two up. Someone's not a music snob like me. I like Yellowcard. When did the guy from Yellowcard die?

He's died today. Ryan Key? Whoa! You know his name? Let me check. My old roommate in college was obsessed with Yellow Card. Yeah, Ryan Key. Is he alive?

Ryan Key is still alive. Still alive. I love that. There's a place called Ocean Avenue. I love all that kind of music. I found out that that guy was an asshole. Really? I heard through the pop punk world. It's not like Woody Allen where like,

now I don't know whether to appreciate his art. I found out that Ryan Keefer from Yellow Card was an asshole, actually. Now I don't know if I can listen to Yellow Card. I heard in the pop punk scene, he was selfish and would trash hotel rooms and just didn't respect the other bands. Isn't that every musician? No, but I think... But he didn't deserve it at all.

Yeah, and they were at this moment where Yellowcard was blowing up and he kind of went nuts. This is all hearsay from people who don't matter. But anyways, apparently... It's a river started by the starting line. Yeah. So when Yellowcard started going started by the starting line. Yeah. So when yellow cards started going down, no one cared. Yeah.

They were like, fuck you. Yeah, fuck you. But I still love that song. Ryan Key. Ocean Avenue, yeah. Dan Levy, how would people know who you are? Why are you on our show? Obviously, we're friends.

I mean, you're here for a reason. Yeah, I'm here for a reason. I'm here to promote my comedy special. So you are a comedian. I'm a comedian. You're a jokester. I'm a jokester. You're a professional jokesman. I'm here for a reason. I'm here to promote my comedy special. So you are a comedian. I'm a comedian. You're a jokester. I'm a jokester. You're a professional jokesman. I'm a professional jokesman. In what capacity?

I do stand-up comedy. Old school shit. Old school shit. I wear a suit. Remember when Jake and I did old College Humor live shows with you? Oh, I was thinking that as I was driving over here. Yeah, that was fun. The other day I got an email from Tumblr that said, you haven't fun. College Humor. The other day, I got an email from Tumblr that said, you haven't been on

College Humor Live lately. I was like, oh, yeah. College Humor Live. College Humor Live. God. Meanwhile, those shows were amazing

if you look back. Yeah, that was fun. We were on the shows. Aziz was on the shows. Yeah, Mulaney. John Mulaney. They were great shows. Me and Jake did not deserve

to MC this night of comedy. We had never, like, performed before. I remember we did a show with, like, you and Anthony Jesser, Nick. Pete Holmes was on a bunch of them. They were so good. I remember there was one that I did with John Mulaney and Nick Kroll and Colin Quinn.

Oh, yeah, Colin Quinn. Colin Quinn, and I hosted it. And Reggie Watts. That was the show. And it was the day that Owen Wilson tried to kill himself. Holy shit. And we did this show in a basketball arena, and Colin

Quinn came out, and it was like, I think it was like half full or something. Half empty. Half empty. And Colin Quinn came out, and he's like, Owen Wilson tried to kill himself today. He should have my career. He should have my career. He should have my career. It was the funniest.

I was like screaming, laughing. But that was the thing with those College Humor live shows. They never knew what would happen. It was the mid-2000s. We didn't know better.

Yeah, they were like, College Humor is popular. Why don't you guys perform in the arena? We're like, no, no. Wait, wait.

Why don't we do a theater? Not everyone is going. And it was just college humor, like, thematically. Like, you didn't work for college humor. You were just a college comedian. I was just, like, a comic who was in my 20s. And then, like, me and Jake were just, like, sketch writers who were, like, 23. If you didn't know who Jake and Amir were, it was really bad for us to go on stage.

And Amir's like, I love chicken nuggets. Sorry. Why is this good? I'm here to see Pete Holmes. Yeah, it was. Then Kumail Nanjiani comes out and slays and we have to go back out after him.

Yeah, and be like, hey, you guys like that video of us in our cubicle? No? Fuck! Shit, because we were going to show a yet-to-be-released one. One that wasn't good enough to put out. I remember I had to do a similar thing.

I did comedy one time for MTV Spring Break, but I had to warm up the crowd in Atlantic City. It reminded me of that because I had to go out on stage, and they were like, Hey, you know, this crowd doesn't really want stand-up. You should probably just give them some candy and just, like, have them clap. They're trick-or-treating, not really at a comedy show. And I was like, no, they want my comedy. And they're like, no, no, no. I'm like, no, they just haven't seen me.

They're going to be into it once I really get them going. And I went out there, and I was like, so, I forget my joke. We want candy. No, literally, I was like, so, who likes having want candy. No, literally I was like, so I who likes having sex or whatever my stupid jokes were at that time and then they started like booing me and I was like, give me candy, give me candy and I ran off and I got a bunch of candy and started throwing candy at all

these kids. They loved you. It was so embarrassing. I saw the best comedian ever yesterday. I don't know any of his jokes, but at one point he chucked a Tootsie Roll pop at me. I just remember one of the shows we did. Do you remember the one we did outdoors at NC State? Oh, that was terrible. It was so cold. It was freezing. It was so

cold. It was kind of raining too, right? Yeah. It was very uncomfortable. And we were trying to warm everybody up. And some dude just raised his hand and I put the mic on him. He was like, we're all having fun, but we need to respect what happened at Fort Hood. Oh, yeah. He was like, we're all having fun, but we need to respect what happened at Fort Hood. It was like a shooting that day.

I remember that show because it was so cold and so dark. So bad. I did so many bad shows during that run of shows. That could be another podcast that you're talking about coming up with a podcast. Terrible gigs.

You must have done over a thousand shows? I've done over a thousand. Yeah, definitely over a thousand shows. I did a show all the time. Over a thousand colleges. Over a thousand colleges. Yeah, because I was, I mean, you guys might not remember

and the audience might not know, but in 2001, I was the funniest college comedian in America. Wow. Oh, shit. Were you a college agent at that time? I was 20.

Wow. No way. Yeah, I was a sophomore in college. Holy shit. I was a crowned king. Wow, that's pretty huge. Did you go to college at Emerson? I was 20. Wow. No way. Yeah, I was a sophomore in college. Holy shit. And I got crowned king. Wow, that's pretty huge. Did you go to college at Emerson? Yeah, I went to Emerson.

Damn, dude. Yeah, it was... So because of that, I was like, you know, doing all those NACA shows and everything. Then it's like... And I remember I went to one school. It was like Skidmore, some college I went to. And they were like, hey, you're going to open up for this comedian, Liam. And I was like, Liam?

I was like, first of all, I'm the funniest college kid in america so i'm definitely not opening up for anyone so i was like such an asshole i like called like my age you were the ryan key of comedy especially because you had an electric fiddle yeah so i called age i was like hey who am i opening up for i even heard this guy liam who's liam and they're like i don't know it's fucking bullshit you're fucking college comedian america So then they called the college to complain. Like, that was how stupid it was. And then the college was like, no, no, no. It's this guy Liam. He's very famous on

YouTube. This was like early when people weren't famous on YouTube yet. And it turned out he was the guy with the viral video Shoes. Remember that video? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Shoes. It was a really funny video. so i was like they're like he needs to open up for him because people are really amped to see the shoes guy and i was like

oh fuck you know what the fuck fine so then i go there and i meet him he's actually super nice uh-huh but again i had the attitude of like i'm gonna go on first and i'm gonna just do my jokes if you're gonna love me and as soon as i get on stage I'm like, how's it going? They're like, shoes! Shoes! Don't they know that song is two minutes long? No, the best thing about, I swear,

what happened. He played it ten times. Oh yeah. Oh God. Yeah, he came out. That guy's American. I thought he was British.

He came out, this guy Liam. Yeah, Liam Sullivan. Liam Sullivan. He was really funny. He came out, he sang this shoes song.

Oh my God, shoes. Oh my God, shoes. People went crazy, right? I'm watching it, I'm like, oh, this is pretty good. Then he's like, check was really funny. He came out, he sang this shoes song. Oh my God, shoes. Oh my God, shoes. People went crazy, right? I'm watching it. I'm like, oh, this is pretty good. Then he's like, check out this movie.

Then he played the shoes song on the video of it. People were still going crazy. Then he was like, who wants to sing the shoes song? And the kids were going crazy. Then he brings people on stage. They sing the shoes song. Oh my God. And I'm in the back like, you know,

eating a granola bar being like, are you fucking kidding me? This guy's probably making like $20,000. He's doing the same set. Three-minute set eight times in a row. So she's over and over again. Part of his set is just other people doing his set for him while he hangs out. These shoes suck. These shoes suck.

These shoes are great. So, Dan, I don't know if you know this about us, but this is actually an advice podcast. I do know that. Yeah, yeah. So basically people will email us and they're in sticky situations asking for our guidance, our advice. They'll email ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Jake and I comb through tens of thousands of questions.

It's true. Come up with, let's say, three to four interesting ones. Try to answer it. Sometimes it's just us two. Sometimes we have a friend in the house. Today we have you. Yes. You're slightly older than us, probably slightly wiser than us.

Oh, I'm so much wiser. You're a father of two. Father of two. What, two? Yeah. I didn't realize you had aiser. You're a father of two. Father of two. What, two? Yeah. I didn't realize you had a second. You're not following me on Instagram? I should.

Yeah, yeah. I have two kids. I have a three-year-old and a one-year-old. So there we go. Holy shit. Are they both boys? No, one-year-old's girl. That's awesome, dude.

Yeah, it's so cute. Having kids is very cute. That's my advice to you guys. Have kids. Who's your favorite? Abe's pretty cool. Yeah. The girl hasn't done much yet.

She's one, so she's just kind of like... She's playing catch-up. She basically just sits around and eats hummus with a straw. That's awesome. She is Israeli. Yeah, she is very Israeli. You going for three? No.

Two and down. Four, two and out. Three is too many. Three is too many. I don't understand people who have two and they're like, let's get. Three is too many. Three is too many. Can't take any longer. Yeah. I don't understand people who have two and they're like, let's get one more.

No, I'm so tired, I can't even. What would three do? I don't know. I don't even know what I would do with third one.

Well, at a certain point, Abe would be old enough to watch the other one. He's three. It's going to be a long time. What do we do for like 10 years?

Yeah, you got to wait like eight years and then have another set of two. Yeah, because like today, I'm with Abe.

We went to the mall, hung out at Disney Store and did a bunch of stuff. And then Rachel is with Romy. And then, you know, we had a third kid. Who would be the third kid? You need a third parent. Yeah. You need another parent. You got maybe or maybe just a kid who comes here as opposed to podcast. Make some money.

Oh, you and Abe should have a podcast. Oh, a baby cast. That's the idea. All right. All right. Let's try to answer some questions. These people are in need of our advice. Let's start with someone.

This is a love question that seems to be up your alley. We're going to give this guy a fake name just to preserve his anonymity. Do you have a fake name for this guy? It could be anything. Dan. That's really original. Oh, that's going to be confusing. You're right. You're right.

Okay. How about Owen? Owen is good. I like that. Okay, Owen. Owen Dan. Owen Daniels writes, You guys are absolutely hilarious.

I'm wondering if it's time for me to say I love you to my girlfriend. Right to the point. Wow. We have been dating for over a month now, and to be honest, I feel like I'm falling in love with her. That being said, the idea of saying I love you to someone scares me because I feel like it takes the relationship to a whole new level. And I don't know if I'm ready for that level of emotional commitment. She has never said I love you to me, but she has started to call me love.

She'll say things like goodnight love. So it seems like she's setting me up perfectly to confess my love for her. Also, I feel like in every way, she's the quote-unquote man of the relationship. She was the one who asked me out. She pays for herself on dates. She made the move that led to our first kiss. Plus, she's 6'3 and way

more athletic than I am. Oh, shit! Awesome! She even told me that she used to get in fights in high school. I've never been in a fight in my life. I'm softer than a sponge sponge cake do i need to man up and tell her that i love her please help thanks love owen whoa this guy has actually seemed like he's in a lot of help he's confused for sure yeah he's uh i think i like imagining him like sort of like thumbelina oh it's a really really tiny two inches first of, she's so tall. My question is, how old is he, though?

Oh, there we go. The next email says, just some background information about me. I am a 19-year-old and a college student. This is my first girlfriend. She lives about an hour away, so our conversations are over text or Snapchat, but we see each other in person about once a week. Okay, I would not say I love you yet. Yeah, because he said they've been dating a month. They see person about once a week. Okay, I would not say I love you yet. Yeah, because if they've been dating a month,

they see each other once a week. So he's seen her four times. He's seen her only four times. Definitely don't say I love you. Because you don't. Because you definitely don't, and also you're 19, so nothing matters. That's how you talk to your son.

Holy shit, what just happened? Oh, no, oh, no. Something cracked. Yeah, you can't. It's just, it's hard to, son. Holy shit, what just happened? Oh, no, oh, no. Something cracked. Yeah, you can't. It's just, it's hard to, your life, yeah, I mean. You're three. Nothing matters yet. Nothing matters yet.

Just, you know. So, would you say a month is too early for even somebody older than 19? I would say if, like, you're in your 30s and you've been sort of, like, dating and you're trying, and you know exactly what you want, then maybe a month you might be like oh wow I think I'm like falling I'm falling for you I think I'm falling in love with this person I don't think every month you go I love you I think Owen needs to fucking get his shit together

because I don't think he is in love with this person I think she's maybe intimidating him because she's 7 feet tall she's done like everything first so he's trying to beat her to just one thing which is not a bad idea. Yeah, yeah. Yes, it is.

Do you remember saying I love you for the first time to your wife? I think so. But it wasn't like as memorable as proposing that you remember every detail. I think she said to me one time when she was sleeping. Oh. She said it to you while she was asleep? While she was asleep. She thought I was sleeping. Oh. She said it to you while she was asleep? While she was asleep. She thought I was sleeping. That's so cute.

It's pretty cute, right? So, do you not remember how into the relationship it was? Did you shoot awake and let her, would you like, I got you.

No, I just was like, oh shit. You know, I guess it was, I was like, I pretended to be asleep. I pretended to be asleep. Yeah.

Really fake snoring. Yeah. I fake snoring. I wonder what percentage it is that girls say it first versus guys. You think it's mostly guys or mostly girls? I think it's probably, you know, I have no idea. It's a hard one. Probably guys. Because girls are like maybe more willing to talk about their feelings.

Yeah. So like dudes at this age are like, you know, like whatever. Like, I don't know. Well, I think girls are more likely to talk about their feelings. Yeah. So like, dudes at this age are like, you know, like whatever, like I don't know. Well, I think girls are more likely to talk about their feelings, but I also feel like guys, girls are also,

I guess when a girl is like very aware of like how men are, I feel like she's not going to say I love you because she knows that could scare them off.

Right. Which means they got it. Because like you said, it takes it to a new level. Yeah, it does take it to a new level. Does it? Do you guys agree with that?

Not when you're 19, though, because Owen, your life doesn't matter. It's just so we're very clear about Owen's life. I mean, at 19, you weren't even the college comedy student of the year. No. You were a year out from that. I was a year away. Do you recommend waiting until it's like a more real relationship? If I was going to be like real serious with him, I would say, Owen, you're basically in

a long-distance relationship and you're in college. And that's my biggest mistake in my life is I have a lot of long-distance relationships. So I would not only sit, I would say not only are you not in love with her, I would break up with her. The full 180. The full 180. You agree with me. Long-distance relationships are the worst.

I do. I advise anybody in college in a long-distance relationship to break up. I agree with me. Our relationships are the worst. I do. I advise anybody in college in a long distance relationship to break up. I'm so mad I didn't have an older brother who didn't just say, hey, don't date your high school girlfriend for a year in college and then don't meet another girl and date her while you're in Boston. She's in Philadelphia.

And then when you break up, don't start dating someone in Canada. How did you do that? I'm a fucking idiot. Because you break up, don't start dating someone in Canada. How did you do that? I'm a fucking idiot. Because you're touring, dude. I mean, yeah, I would go so far as to say, like, don't even have a girlfriend until you're, like, 26. Oh.

Oh, wow. I was more of a relationship person, though. Like, I was more like Owen. Yeah, it sounds like it if you had a girl in Boston. I was, too, but I look back on my life and I didn't have Canada. I think I was having more fun when I was single than when I was in relationships. Well was too, but I look back on my life and I like Canada. I think I was having more fun when I was single than when I was in relationships.

Well, yeah, but you were just always, yeah, that's who you are though. Some people would say the opposite. They have more fun in relationships. That's true. That's crazy. They have more sex in relationships. That's crazy. But it's definitely a large part of the population.

I mean, I've been fucking all day, guys. Hell yeah, dude. Awesome. You know I'm talking. How long have. I mean, I've been fucking all day, guys. Hell yeah, dude. Awesome. You know I'm talking about. How long have you been married? I've been married six years. Although in my special, I said seven. I was wrong.

And Rachel was there. And she was like, and I did two shows. And she didn't correct me. Oh, really? And she was like, I don't know why you keep saying seven years of marriage for six years. And I was like, oh, fuck. Not that anyone cares about that. Seven sounds pretty good, though.

Seven sounds more legit. Six and seven are so interchangeable in terms of relationship. Exactly. Plus fuck! Not that anyone cares about that. Seven sounds pretty good, though. Seven sounds more legit. Six and seven are so interchangeable in terms of relationship. Exactly. Plus, you've known her longer than that. We've been together for a very long time. Yeah. Anything we haven't said about the topic of saying I love you? Yeah. No.

Don't say it. Break up. I'm with Dan. Alright. There you have it. Alright. Here's a less relationship-y question. There you have it. All right. Here's a less relationshipy question. Different guy's name. Ooh. Theodore.

Theodore. Right. I'm in a quandary that could soil my reputation forever. I've had my Twitter for five years now, and I've never come up with a good bio. Wait, sorry. Start this over because that's insane. I'm in a quandary that could soil my reputation forever. I've had Twitter for

five years and I've never come up with a good bio. I have a filler right now until I can come up with something great. I'm thinking something witty, memorable, shows off my personality. I don't want to do the classic bio that lists a series of descriptions about me. I want something different. You two seem like you have a creative enough mind to help me out.

So here's my question. How do you guys create your Twitter bios? Do you go for something funny or straightforward? Also, if you have the chance on the podcast, could you look at mine and give me advice on how it could be changed? Is this a suicide note? A suicide tweet? Without outing who he is, I looked up his Twitter bio. Okay.

Danger enthusiast. Uh-oh. That's biting off mine a little bit. So, Dan, do you know your Twitter bio is? My Twitter bio, I think... I can tell you what it is right now. Yeah, tell me what it is. CISO comedy special, Dan Levy, colon, Lion, November 17th, number one king on Snapchat.

That's true. That's true. That's what my... Number one king. Number one king. That is a fact. Don't Google it. Jake's is...

Wait, I just want to say that this guy, I think, took his Twitter bio from my Instagram bio, which is just enthusiast. Oh, that's a good one. Oh, that's a good one, though. Yeah. Yeah, it's a nice Instagram bio, but my Twitter bio, I don't know. Your Twitter bio is, I am a comedy writer who loves Annie's macaroni and cheese. Accurate.

Pretty good. My friend, Annie, she thinks she loves writing people's Twitter bios, so we can maybe hook this guy with her. Oh, really? Oh, shit. She told me that my Twitter bio should be goofball with an edge. I love that. Twitter bio expert. Goofball with an edge. Theodore could

take that. That's pretty good. Yeah, you can take that view. So what does that mean? That means like silly, but... It means you're silly, but like, hey, I'm also serious. Like, yo, I'm the number one king of Snapchat. Exactly. Go on my Snapchat. You're goofy.

I mean, I could definitely... You're wacky, but you're cool. You have a bomber jacket on. That's hip. Should I fucking delete my entire thing? I was waiting to do it, but I got to promote the special. Yeah, no, you should. I mean, wait, what's your Twitter bio?

Oh, mine is chill dude, which I think it was when we made the Twitter account for the video we made in like 2007. I think the funniest thing about your Twitter page is just at the top is a giant cookie. Yeah. My, what is this called? Headline photo? Yeah. It's just a high-res image of a chocolate chip cookie. I love chocolate chip cookies.

It's a good thing. People, who doesn't doesn't like chocolate cookies do you have a pinned tweet i do have a pinned tweet do you have a pinned tweet yeah i do yeah do you have a pinned tweet me no yeah there's there's a lot of also i mean i haven't i don't i haven't tweeted in a while i got trashed during the election and that was the first tweet that I tweeted that wasn't like a promotional one. Hey, guys, it honestly helps if you get drunk was Jake's election night tweet. Yeah. I really was very drunk when I tweeted that. You were so drunk you tweeted. I know.

I didn't know what else to fucking do. So can we think, three comedy writers, can we think of a goofball with an edge for this guy? Okay, so what does he do? What does he do? What does he do? What's his brand? What's his brand? God. Come on.

Let me look up his page. I think he's a coal worker in West Virginia. Awesome. No, I don't think so. He's from South Carolina. He seems to be kind of cool. His picture is like a black and white. Oh, he looks like a cool guy.

Yeah, sort of a cool guy with a beard. Oh, that's a solid bio. Wait, that's it. Cool guy with a beard. Cool guy with a beard. That is it. Or cold guy with a beard. Oh, COAL.

Cold guy with a beard. No, cool guy with a beard is pretty good. Cool guy with a beard. Cool guy with a beard? Yeah. Is that edgy enough? Or just don't judge my beard. Oh, what about coolest guy with a beard?

Or judge me by my beard. Judge me by my beard. Judge me by my beard. Judge me by my beard is great. I like judge me by my beard. I love that. Coolest guy with a beard too is good. Yeah, that's sort of, I like calling yourself the best in some, like how yours is number one king of Snapchat.

Yeah. How about, yeah. How about best beard, best beard in Hollywood, even though he doesn't live in LA. Oh, that's good. Voted best beard by. Yeah. Voted best beard in Hollywood, even though he doesn't live in LA? Oh, that's good. Voted best beard by... Yeah, voted best beard by Beard Monthly. Oh, that's pretty good. Want to see his beard?

Want to see how good it is? It's not that good, actually. I mean, it is a good beard, but it's not like a beard beard. How about number one beard in Northeast? In South Carolina. Exactly. You've got to throw people off. That's edgy. All right. You gotta throw people off. That's edgy.

All right. Hopefully we gave him something. Let's take a break and come back with more with Dan Levy. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey

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Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah, it's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's

so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com?

That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think.

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You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace hey we're back with dan levy um let me ask you one more um advice question since we only have you for so long uh uh uh uh another guy's name. He's shitting it out. He's shitting it out. Horace writes, Newish listeners, and won't hear this until I catch up, but I have an interesting question.

I was engaged in a three-year relationship. I broke it off because it was unhealthy and marriage wouldn't fix it. I find myself months later going through Tinder and messaging and matching, but not knowing what I want from it. It isn't so much the wanting to jump in a new boat or to go out and smash. Most women my age are looking to settle down. Should I be upfront with my I don't know what

I want intentions or should I just be in the moment? Thanks for the help. Insert fake name here, which is horse. Yeah. So this guy guy is basically asking he's out of a relationship he's going out on these dates does he have to like clarify right off the bat hey i don't want to be anybody's anybody's boyfriend or does that just come up organically this sounds like an amir blumenfeld problem yeah it feels like i don't know i i feel like when do you bring it up basically it's hard because it's such a you're gonna be an asshole either way either i feel like if it's i mean i never did that so i just don't know i feel like you went straight from relationship to marriage pretty much yeah i almost feel like and i feel like maybe you could

answer this better than i can but it's like i almost feel like, and I feel like maybe you could answer this better than I can, but it's like, I almost feel like in those, if you're only looking to hook up and quote smash, then it seems like you should just be doing like the quick, like, I don't know, Tinder bumble things and don't keep on hooking up with the same person. Because I feel like once you're, once you're hooking up with the person more than once, it's like. Yeah. Once you start going down the line and then you say, you know what?

I'm really only looking for something casual. Well, what we start going down the line and then you say, you know what, I'm really only looking for something casual. Well, what we've been doing for months and weeks isn't casual. We've been dating. I have a friend who's always like,

oh yeah, I'm dating this girl and now she's like so bummed that we're making up. It's like, well yeah, because you're a really good catch and then once you're like, oh, I don't want to be serious, it's like, wait,

but we've been together every night. Yeah. Because guys are so terrible. That's what they do. They're i don't get it it's like it's like i mean what she meets my parents and now like i have to be her boyfriend yes exactly that is that is a that is a dilemma i faced before or it's like oh i like hanging out with you but i don't want to be in a relationship with you but i still want to keep hanging out also if you're hanging here but if you are hanging out all the time you're in a relationship with that person But I still want to keep hanging out with you. But also if you're hanging here, but if you are hanging out all the time,

you're in a relationship with that person. Right. But not if, I guess, then at a certain point you have to cut it off before like, there's like milestones.

So let's say I was hanging out with someone for a couple months and then their parents come into town and I'm like, oh, that seems like a big deal. Like I don't necessarily

want to meet the parents. Maybe I should have this conversation. But have you seen the Ben Stiller movie? You know, Meet the Parents? I have not. So what I've been doing is I've been cutting things off way too soon.

I'd rather cut it off too early than too late. But then you don't know if you're with someone who you could be falling in love with. Exactly. That's the rub. So I'm cutting off maybe mediocre potential good but not greats. And I don't know what they're capable of developing into because I fear getting too far down the relationships that I don't necessarily want to be 100% invested in. Well, you want to be alone in your house in Silver Lake forever? That's the goal. I mean, obviously, that's a dream.

But I don't know if I can make it a reality. I don't know if I can make it a reality. I don't know. In my brain, it's like I will find someone that I do want to meet their parents that that doesn't freak me out with. And then that's the one that I go down the line. Have any of the people that you've been with for many years ever, like, had you ever known that right away? I guess the ones that lasted several years, I was excited to take these next steps with. But I was also like 22, 25, and 28. So I was younger then.

So I just felt like this is part of the plan. Sometimes I worry about you. I don't think you're going to give anybody a shot. Yeah. In my brain, it has to be great. And I know, I don't know if you think the same thing about him because I don't know your personal life really. But let's get into it. I feel like what happens is as you get older and you're more successful and stuff,

and like you start to have these things that you expect the girl to have. And I feel like these girls who these guys are sort of like creating like weird sciencing, they become impossible. Oh, like I want a girl who's great here and also great here and also great here. Yeah, because now you're getting older and you're, like, experiencing different things and you're like, oh, I like this person but not this person but, like, when I was 25 all I cared about was this. Yeah. But, but, but, yeah. I really like the term weird sciencing.

It's so true. You really are trying, and I, I have friends who do this, like, you're trying to weird science the perfect girl but the truth is, like, the perfect girl happens when you're together and you guys, like, create it together, you know? Oh, shit. They perfect girl happens when you're together and you guys, like, create it together. Oh, shit. They have to weird science themselves with me and I become weird scienced to them. Yeah, you can't just, like. Right, because you're not the kind of guy that could be weird scienced into existence either.

But I'm a very specific person. Yeah, you're, like, annoying. So, like, if you're looking for that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm looking for a beautiful. Undateable.

I'm looking for a beautiful, talentedateable. I'm looking for a beautiful, talented... I want her body with her religion. ...super business-savvy girlfriend who likes a guy who's kind of annoying. This is my personal ad. This is my Tinder bio. And fuck it, my Twitter bio, too. Twitter bio. How's that goofy with an edge?

Yeah, so this guy's specific question is should i be up front or not mention it uh a lot of it is also like how you date someone like is it like hey midnight come on down and meet me and my buddies at a bar or is it like hey 7 p.m on a tuesday i want to take you out to dinner the expectations there are probably different so i feel like if you're taking someone out to dinner or hanging out with them at a museum during the day, those feel like legit family, not family, but relationship steps. But if you're just texting her at 1243, hey, are you up? Then it's like the unspoken rule of this is probably not a serious thing is conveyed without him having to say it.

Yeah, I think that you're better to answer this question. rule of this is probably not a serious thing is conveyed without him having to say it. Yeah. I think that you're better to answer this question. I will take a because I will tell him that I think that he should not be up front and just date these girls and see if they're actually like cool

and then just date them for real and get married and have two kids and live in the bathroom. I agree with that a couple times. I don't think you have to say anything up front as long as you're honest sort of throughout. It's not a rule that you have to state your expectations in the beginning. But as they come up, then it's good. It's the pure heart rule that I talk about. I benefited always from having a despicable reputation.

So nobody ever thought that I was trying to date them. What about girls on Tinder that don't necessarily know your reputation? Do you say your reputation out loud? Do you hope that they just know it subconsciously? I don't think I've ever had a problem with people figuring out my reputation in the very early stages of a a tinder date also i mean

tinder is like that's way more casual i think if you're matching and going out with somebody on tinder then you don't have to like your bio on tinder doesn't have to be like i'm looking for something casual right that's what everybody's doing it is kind of weird like the idea of casual like uh i'm going on dates with someone like how is that casual or is that normal it's still the same amount of dates there are still dates i'm still hanging out with someone what does it mean that like casual about i think casual is just uh is just like a nice way of saying like hey i just want to hook up with you yeah exactly it's basically saying i don't want to be in a relationship what i like tinder for is the amount of people that i can fuck yeah tinder

there are plenty of girls that like can fuck. Yeah, Tinder seems... But there are plenty of girls that like Tinder for that, too. Tinder is just like Uber for fucking, right? It used to be, but I think now it's used as a dating app. So, like, people... It's not a foregone conclusion. I thought Bumble was a thing to actually try to meet people. Yeah, I think...

I mean, I think they're all sort of for trying to meet people and sort of for trying to fuck people. And everybody's using them for their own purposes. And it's pretty easy to deduce the kind of date it's going to be. Yeah, and it's also... I guess I agree with what you're saying. If somebody says, let's go take a walk in the park, I would probably be like, this isn't... There's also girls that seem very sweet that i feel like uh those are the ones that i

like want to like be up front with because like they don't look like party girls that are down to hang out casual i this is the thing i don't understand is that really all you want though well not necessarily girl no no i'm just saying you do you do mostly want a party girl yeah right now i do mostly want a party girl really but at the same time if i met hasn't it been right now for the last three years? Yeah. But I haven't met anyone where I'm like, oh, I'd be down to be in a relationship with this person. But isn't that because you're... Like party girl, like, because the girl doesn't, like, do coke off your dick and stuff?

Like, what are you talking about? It's someone that wants to casually hook up without necessarily, like, meeting my family. Oh, okay. But your family's so close. I know. That's the hard part. They're always in town. They're like, fuck, get out of here.

Hide in the pretzel aisle. Yeah. I don't think I've met anyone where I'm – like the ladies that I've cut off too early, I don't think I – I don't ever regret being like, shit, what if she's like the one that like I could be engaged to right now. But you also don't meet with the girls that you think are sweet because you think that you – No. I wouldn't say I cut off sweet girls before I meet them. I meet everybody. And some are sweet and some are more like... But you don't follow through on the sweet girls?

Sometimes I do. The lady that I hung out with the last several month period was a sweet lady. She wasn't like a crazy party lady. Social security number, uh yeah wow but it is a it's it's a weird gray area where you want to date someone like i don't want to like not go out on dates but at the same time like this person doesn't want to be in a relationship but dates invariably lead to relationships, so like when do you cut it off, when do you state the case, so I guess my general advice is that to

don't lead them on in terms of how you're meeting them Okay. A lot of late night a lot of inebriated meetings rather than like sober afternoon movies Like let's get a coffee and go to the movies and then swing by Zeno.

Yeah. Say hi to the doctor. I think, yeah, that you should save for when you're ready to be in a relationship. Yeah. Is my advice. Yay, nay, thoughts, pros, cons? Yeah.

I guess I would probably abstain from inviting people to, like, sober-ish dates. But I think you could do something in between like midnight meet up with me and my friends and let's go sit in the park. Drinks. Yeah. Drinks in the park. I'm just so like – I can't – I'm so far away from that. I don't even know.

Are you jealous of people in that relationship or are you like so happy you don't have to deal with this shit no i'm just like it sounds it seems too exhausted too exhausting for me but only because i'm already exhausted but these are problems that don't matter and this is like what single people have the most fun doing is it's not actual anxiety i don't think i think this is like the most fun thing you like we're thinking about the different people this guy gets to fuck that's like that's that's the single person's joy that's the exciting part you have like actual problems like uh raising yeah children like if your son has an ear infection like oh no yeah my son has to know about donald trump as president when he's like you have to like get that shit right like if this guy fucks up then he like sort of has Like, oh no, my son has to know about Donald Trump as president when he's in elementary school.

You have to get that shit right. If this guy fucks up, then he sort of has one person that's mad at him, and then he gets to adjust moving on. You fuck up with your son, and he's there every night. Yeah, if you take your son to the movies, and he thinks it's casual, but you're down to see other three-year-old boys like that's gonna get weird very weird science a new son can i get a son on tinder and be like yeah what other kids are in los felos right now i kind of want someone who's a little more athletic uh all right dan yes um tell us about your special special before we leave oh well it comes out on thursday in a couple days holy shit so this is monday november 14th your special comes out november 17th thursday november 17th yeah it streams

on cso which is you know the new nbc uh streaming comedy platform of course you guys know we did uh cso ads oh awesome yeah before yeah no it's uh it's awesome. They've been, and CISO's great, and I just feel like the special's gonna be good. Is it, was this your first special, second, third? It's my first hour special. I did, like, the Comedy Central half hour. I did a Comedy Central hour album, but this is my first, like, hour special in a theater. I filmed it in Seattle.

Damn, and when you're a stand-up, that's the holy grail. That's the end point, right, is this hour special, right? Yeah, I have no more jokes. But yeah, it was good. I mean, I did, you know, I really, because of like

writing for the sitcom and stuff, I haven't really been like touring in years. So like last year, I kind of like got my shit together and, you know, went on tour and, you know, went to all these different cities and got the hour ready and then filmed it.

And it was six months ago. I can't believe it's already coming out. I'm proud of it. I think it's good talking about everything you need to know about me. Hell yeah. My wife, my kids, HGTV, my seven-year marriage, and my love for real estate. The big five.

The big five. And again, that special is called? Dan Levy Lion. Dan Levy Lion. What's your favorite HGTV television show? Property Brothers. Property Brothers is really good. Yeah, I love those guys.

What's your least favorite? You like Chip and Joanna? I like Chip and Joanna. The problem is, and I talk about this in the special, is the problem with all these shows

is that living in California, it's very frustrating because everything's so cheap. Oh, right. When Chip and Joanna fix up a house in Waco that costs $98,000. I mean, literally a house in Waco

is as much money as you guys pay for the rent. So it's like every episode is like, we're looking for a six bedroom house, six bathrooms, seven acres. And their reno budget is like double what they pay for the house. Literally, it's like, and our budget, $2,000. Well, if you do that,

I might as well live in fucking Waco. I know. But I don't want to do that either. I don't want to either. But no,000. Well, if you do that, I might as well live in fucking Waco. I know. But I don't want to do that either. I don't want to either. But no, I do love, I like Chip and Joanne. I love the prod bros though, because I like the structure of that show. I love seeing the computer images of what they're going to do. I love those guys.

I think those guys are great. They're really great. That show is funny to me because like, don't they give the family a tour of a house that like, that's perfect for them? And then they tell them the price and the family's like, oh, man. Yeah, it's almost like a prank show. We love it. We want it.

Ha ha. You can't get it. You're poor. Let me show you this show. Let me show you this house. But then the reality is they take a house, and they fucking make it awesome. Yeah, that's cool. I actually ran into a couple that I recognized who were on House Hunters.

I took a picture with them. That's so funny. Celebrity couple, spotted. I know, I was like, wait a minute. Can I,

are you on House Hunters? Can I take a picture? They're like, okay. It's so weird. Why'd you choose House number two? Yeah,

what's wrong with you guys? I heard those shows are like so fake that like they literally move couples out of their own home, show them three houses and then move them

back into the house that they already chose. Oh, I'm sure because also the show, the HGTV is like so fucking popular now that like they can't keep up the content.

You guys know how hard it is to make content. Imagine, fuck it, just go into this house, tell them we're going to rent it when we want

and we'll put up posters. Next house. It took me like four months. I mean, well, it took me a year and a half to find a house and then like once I found

the house, it was like five or six months. Have you seen miniature house hunters where it's like house hunters, but for tiny houses? I think tiny houses. This is perfect for me. It's like a bedroom and a cot.

That depresses me so much. 180 square feet. They're like, do you want to kill yourself in this one? This one or this one? This is my reading chair and also a compost toilet. Wipe out. I'm a dog.

Fuck off. Dan, thanks for coming by. Thank you guys for having me. I love it. Hell yeah, dude. Dan Levy, Lion, on CISO. Thursday, November 17th. What's your Twitter handle? At Dan Levy. Easy. Come on. And Snapchat. Number one king on Snapchat, guys. What's your Snappy? Dan Levy Snappy. Dan Levy Snappy.

Dan Levy Snappy. Dan Levy Snappy, that's good. Wait, didn't your Twitter used to be Dan Levy Show? Yeah. You got Dan Levy. I got Dan Levy. Hell yeah, dude. I know, I'm so pumped about it.

Upgrade. I know. If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions like Grandmaster Kate, send it all to ifirereyoushow at gmail.com. Remember the sublime opening. We heard the first half at the top and here's the second half. Thanks to Grandmaster Kate.

We'll be back this week on... No, next Monday. We'll see you next Monday. Bye, everybody. Mondays and Thursdays is when it comes out. It's something I'm excited about. And I seize the cheese, seize the cheese, seize the cheese It's something I'm excited about

And I seize the cheese, seize the cheese, seize the cheese With Amish and the bench Ooh, yeah, huh Then Schwartz and Thomas Middleditch What do you gotta say, Jake? And I really wanna hear from you, um, yeah Cause it's advice that I need Whoa, if I were you, show show that was a hate gum podcast the five dollar meal deal at mcdonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

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