Segments - 246: Hot Bully

Episode Date: November 21, 2016

In this episode we discuss the truth behind jokes and our new HeadGum store! This episode is brought to you by Seeso and Indochino! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Happy Monday, November 21st. Pre-Thanksgiving special, if I were you. We got a lot to be thankful for. Frankly, I'm thankful for you and this podcast, buddy.

Thank you very much. I do appreciate it. Thank you, which means you are thankful to me. Okay, so it seems like you just said that for me to say thank you to you. I appreciate your gratitude. And I think the best thing I can give you is to not say thank you to you. You already did. I'll thank you. You say thank you to you. I appreciate your gratitude. And I think the best thing I can give you is to not say thank you to you. You already did.

I'll thank... You said thank you. As I said, I was grateful. I'll thank our listeners for tuning in every week. We really do appreciate it because without you guys, there is no show. Yep. Play it back.

Amir said thank you to me right after I said that I was appreciative of him. Thankful for you. You said thank you. Cool. That means you're thankful. Do you think you are more important than the fans? I think I'm more important than anything.

I'm numero uno in my book. And since the spirit is giving and thanks, we thought we could start this episode off not by promoting a specific sponsor, but by talking about certain companies, sorry, nonprofit organizations that seem to need our help now more talking about certain companies, sorry, nonprofit organizations that seem to need our help now more than ever. Yes, yes, yes. A big thing that we're seeing online now is people in the wake of the election donating to companies that seem to need it now.

A lot of folks don't know what to do after the election. You guys might have been as depressed as we were, and now we're sort of looking to what are the little things we can do? How can we take action in a positive way, in a real way that can make us feel slightly better about our potential in pending doom? Money, honey. Yeah, money talks.

Vote with your cash, honey. Support things with your wallet, not just your Facebook posts, motherfuckers. So I'm suggesting Planned Parenthood and the ACLU. You can donate not only as a one-time donation, but you can set up small recurring monthly donations. That'll keep them going for the next at least four years and will feel like not that big of a burden because you're only giving you know five twenty fifty eighty three thousand dollars a month that's all three thousand dollars

a month but i did this i set up some recurring payments they uh turns out they really do need money so they make it pretty easy for you to set up these recurring payments um i did a couple but two of the ones that i really liked were the Natural Resources Defense Council. So if you're concerned about global warming and you don't like the fact that the president called it a hoax, you can actually help the NRDC by making monthly donations. Also, the NAACP Legal Defense Fund is going to help support minorities' civil rights in our country with a president who has sort of a racist history. So they need some help, too. Yeah, and if you do donate, maybe tweet it at us.

We'll retweet. We'll get the air of giving sort of circulating, percolating, moving around, spreading the joys, spreading the happiness, rebuilding, doing everything we can to help. One relatively small step at a time, but every little bit helps, of course. That's right. And in lieu of donations, we're just going to keep podcasting. And we're going to ask you for money. Oh. And we want cash from you as well.

God, that's small. Oh, my God. Why don't we get straight into this episode? We had fun, as always. We had fun. As always. As always. Let's get into it. If I were you, I'd know what I'd do. I'd write an email to a couple of Jews.

They're hashtag dope. They're hashtag dope. And yeah, it might be true they'll put your ass on blast but they'll give you good advice and you'll remain anonymous so yeah you will oh yeah

you will whether it's Tinder or a problem with an ass girlfriend or you slip into the wrong hole while you're having sex If it's global run-in schemes that are legal yet so subtle Or you really broke the law, think you might be in some trouble If you think that you need someone that's worth talking to And you don't mind that they'll end up just mocking you

If this sounds like something that you need Then you know what to do Send over your questions to if I were you Show at gmail.com You ruined it. Sorry. You retroactively made it a bad song Pow

See See That guy's name was Sri Tana He's a 22 year old in Seattle Doesn't have a music site to advertise He's just in it for the love of the game Hell yeah

He just wants a shout out Honestly it's such a thrill for shree for me to say his name oh you're so shree to hear me say shree means he's a hero for a split second shree and i'll keep giving it to him because i know how much he or shree appreciates it whereas i don't like a guy with a really tiny dick fucking something like oh I know you like it when I do that. Shree. Thanks Shree. We appreciate

it. What? Barely laughed at that really good joke. This is if I were you show. No this is if I were you. Show is just what it is. Of course. This is if I Were You show. It's a... Actually, no, this is If I Were You. Show is just what it is.

Of course. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me. I'm Shree. And I'm Shree, too. So today we're both sort of Shree of ourselves. We're at least trolling Shree. Who and he and Shree is Shree? No, I'm a man. Shree and Shree and Shree makes Shree.

What? What is that? Shree and shree and shree makes three, but instead of three, I said shree. Oh, I see. What is that original quote, or did you make it up? Like blank and blank and blank makes three. You and you and me makes three. Oh, what's that?

I've heard it before. You and you and shree makes Shree. Yeah, something. I don't know. It's a thing. That's awesome, dude. Thanks, dude. If you haven't watched him yet, we're making weekly shows on HeadGum.

The series that we've sort of only made so far is Jeffrey the Dumbass, but who knows what the future holds. Little known fact, Jeffrey writes and edits those videos. So how dumbass can he be? You can watch this. Turns out he's moderately capable. Yeah, I took an IQ test, or I wanted to administer one with him, but I fucked it up, the moderating it. I gave him a kid's menu instead.

Excuse you. He still got a 140, which is fine. Just passable. Have you ever taken an IQ test? I don't know if I've taken a real one. I've definitely taken IQ tests online. Yeah. Are those real?

Do I know my IQ? That's the first question. And if you said yes, then you fail. How do you actually learn your IQ? Yeah. I did it on a fucking banner ad, and I did pretty freaking well. We made a Jake and Amir about that, where you'd take an IQ test.

And your banner ad got a really good score. But really, you're a dumbass, because you paid the $50 for the certificate. Certificate of genius, you bish. We should just reshoot old Jake and and amir videos not a bad idea it is it legal no okay that's not a legal idea either why don't we reshoot other people's videos then oh we could just reshoot like a few good men that's right a table read of sorts and that's what this podcast is jake and i read old time-time Hollywood movie scripts from the early 90s. Old-timey.

Yeah. Very old-timey. I'll be Colonel Jessup, the curmudgeonly old captain that ordered the, ooh, or did he, the code red. And I'll be, ooh, Lieutenant Weinberg, the sniveling Jew. And I, Daniel Caffey, the rogue ne'er-do-well attorney assigned to the case, kind of hesitant at first but finds himself in the role, trying to make up for, I don't know, a misconnection with his dead father. And I'll be a young Demi Moore.

Not the character. Joe. Joe? Joe, get in the car. Joe. I want to put Jess up on the stand. And that's how it'll go. This, I think, is episode 246 of our podcast.

Not bad. Crazy. 246. Each better than the last. What pressure. What pressure. Oh. No, we'll talk about shit later.

Let's just get into it now. We have emails. The way it works is people will email us they're in sticky situations confused scared betrayed almost that they don't have anybody else in the world to go to frightened alone flabbergasted frankly fortunately for you guys jake and i are experts at everything and so we or at the very least we're not experts at everything equally i'm the best there is at nothing yeah and i'm the best there is at nothing yeah and i'm the worst at everything which one would you rather be let's talk about it during the break

uh these are real questions from real people we're going to we usually choose three or four of our favorites this week was kind of a mad dash we're moving we're scrambling it's before thanksgiving yeah we are jake has been preparing a casserole for what feels like weeks. How's the casserole, by the way? After weeks, I dropped the casserole. I must start anew. So sometimes you bake stuff on 350 for like two hours. Jake has been baking it for 350 hours at two degrees.

Insane. Which is so cold. Yeah. And I had the casserole to start it i needed i got chickens to make the eggs but before that i had to go to home depot and build a chicken coop so i do everything meticulously so it's a noodle casserole but you can't make noodles without a couple eggs oh egg noodle egg noodle casserole oh Casserole. Oh, yeah. You were proud of it, but you ruined it. I dropped it. And it was frozen. Oh, very.

It shattered. 350 hours on two degrees. It's called sous-vide. So what we need right now, we're gonna play, um, we're gonna be playing some sort of game today. Oh! Oh! I have been summoned!

The Game Boys! Hello hello i just had to say the word game i didn't have to say so every time i say it you get sort of coming of sorts say what uh i'm saying whenever i say the word game oh i don't understand you don't get it it's so obvious that whenever i say a specific word i don't want say it now because you are so close to coming. Of course. Always. I was just saying that whenever I say the word G-A-M-E. Game. So you can say it.

Oh. I black out. You can tickle yourself evidently. Game. Oh, game. Oh, I am the Game Boy. Oh. Game Boy is a character of sorts that arrives explains the rules of a game and then plays the game it's a very poorly thought out mascot

of sorts how dare you I meticulously planned out not unlike the casserole it is very casserole-esque casserole-ian and the way it works is that the Game Boy, sometimes I, or is it still today? Oh, I missed it.

Searches. We do a search in our email, our Google inbox for a word, and we just choose a question at random. If there's only one email in the box, the Game Boy, oh, wins the game. Do you have a word to search our email box? Let's do casserole. Oh, that's pretty good. Thanks. Casserole.

Hmm. Zero. How? Not zero. All right. But I don't know if it's a question we've answered before. Really? Yeah.

Oh, you know what this guy did, i don't want to i don't want to give him daps he just copied and pasted the dictionary at the end of his email yeah i don't want that's that's cheating so there's no real casserole just delete that delete that email forever oh that's a good idea it's a nice way it's a nice punishment yeah and he doesn't know who he is yeah but everybody listening it's like I did that. It was Shree, actually. It was attached to that theme song. Thanks for the theme song, dude. Megaphone. Wow, you're getting obscure.

I like it. You have to. There's, yeah, there's two, but only one is a question. Oh, I won the game. That's really good. Thank you. Megaphone writes, so I have this friend! That's really good. Thank you. Megaphone writes, So I have this friend who is a disgusting eater.

Seriously, every time he picks up food, he looks like Denethor 2 from Return of the King in the scene where chunks of meat and miscellaneous juices run down his beard and every bite sounds like a cow eating into a megaphone. Last time someone told him he was a gross eater, he broke down and cried and I had to console him for three hours

before he would cheer up. I feel like he needs to fix this if he's ever going to keep up a girl, but I don't know how to tell him. How should I break the news to him? This is kind of a question we answered recently. Yeah, it seems like some people are just like sensitive to it. Yeah. This and my co-worker

stinks, how do I tell him? It basically comes under the umbrella of how do I break bad news. Yeah. This and my co-worker stinks. How do I tell him? It basically comes under the umbrella of how do I break bad news? Yeah. Am I the bearer of bad news? Yeah. Do you usually do that? I usually just err on the side of dealing with things and I don't bring it up. I'm very non-confrontational. No, me, I would never, ever. Bring up the fact. No. If anything, I would like eventually wait until I was close enough to make a joke about it. Oh. That'd be the most. Well, I guess that's how we deal with every, any conflict is like we make a joke.

Yeah. So like, if you, let's say, parked where I park, I wouldn't be like, hey, this isn't okay. You have to move your car. I'd be like, oh, so are we switching parking spots now? Is that how it works? Are you parking my spot or am I parking yours? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I say what I think in a matter that's obviously joking,

but actually not. Yeah, sort of trapping people because they can't like, oh, what, like don't be an asshole. Like I'm not, I was kidding. I was doing a bit where I was telling you exactly how I felt. Yeah, I've thrown. I was kidding. I was doing a bit where I was telling you exactly how I felt. Yeah. I've thrown it back at you. It's kind of a jokester's paradox because nobody likes it. And nothing ever gets solved either.

We're supposed to use our sense of humor to better the world. But in fact, we're just adding more negativity to it, making people feel bad, Sort of trolling people that don't necessarily deserve it. what would you do in this situation? I think we would make a passive-aggressive, not a passive-aggressive, what's it called? When you're obviously serious, but you're joking. When you make a joke, but it's something about serious. Is it passive-aggressive? No. Well, I guess it is passive-aggressive to do. Yeah, it's jokey-aggressive.

I don't know what you would call the joke itself. Yeah. Make fun of him a little bit. Maybe we can coin a term. It feels also like this guy already got told he was a bad eater. Yeah. And he cried for three hours.

Like he didn't want to just change it after that. Yeah. You would think, so this is what you do. You make fun of him for that. For crying for three hours. So you're kind of a loser for that.

And then the food thing is secondary. What did you say during the console thing? Like, oh, no, you're a great eater. You're meticulous're meticulous you're perfection if anything you're a bad crier i wonder what the record is for crying like openly like when i cry which is so few and far between it's like a quick little thing imagine crying for hours yeah can you have that much tears in you at a certain point you just tucker yourself out yeah but i don't like is crying is

so therapeutic if you can get yourself to do it yeah for you crying is like uh pulling the trigger oh on emotions dude if i like it's like oh i feel sad i really gotta i saw you stick your index finger your tear duct until tears came out oh oh i feel so much better there have been times where i was so fucking burnt up inside i just what i was like i know i'll feel better if i can cry and i couldn't do it oh that's interesting like let me just the tears sort of take the sadness out they're a vehicle they just yeah they like exhaust you. It feels like it's cathartic. It's nice. And then you can convince yourself,

you're like, I feel bad about this. Right. So is the lowest you've ever been when you felt so low, but you still couldn't bring yourself to cry? Yeah. I think that probably is the lowest I've been in a while.

Yeah, it's like, oh God, I can't even feign sadness right now over something that I do feel bad about. Uh-huh. Double trouble. feign sadness right now over something that i do feel bad about uh-huh yeah double trouble uh but yeah how do you you want to coin a term sorry for making fun of somebody to lightheartedly but to out to send a message for them to change yeah or not even not even that specific but jokes that actually are you know like you what is that word ribbing you joke about ribbing is sort of teasing though this is a every joke is the truth what's that phrase there's a little bit of truth in every

joke yeah so i want jokes that it's like words statements sentences sentiments that are delivered as a joke but are actually completely serious okay it's kind of like a whoa nice mustache dude like half sarcasm almost yeah yeah where you feel like the correct response is to defend your mustache even though you did say if you wrote it down nice mustache yeah so in the if in a court stenographer i can have the court stenographer read that back to you it's another line in a few good men but other than that uh what you're saying is a great... Is it Grave Danger or you said is there any other kind? That's a great movie.

I should watch that tonight. Sentences that you say in a joking fashion that you're actually serious about. Truthy jokies or something. Real jokies. Tweet at us if you have any suggestions. I'm at Jake and Amir. Yeah, you just tweet at Amir and he'll let me know. I'll forward him the good

ones. Alright, let me search a question. Or let me search a word. I'll search appetizer. Ooh, nice. Something leading up to the cathedral. Very good. Ooh, my cathedral is so cold. This might be a one-er. Whoa. Oh, my catheter is so cold. This might be a one-er.

Whoa. Yeah, because the other ones are spam from BJ's restaurant. Again, the guy that attached the dictionary. Somebody forwarding me an essay that I wrote, which I guess he found, digging up archives. And then this email, which is a question called Gluten Nonsense. There's only one email is that appetizer yeah amazing hey guys a long time fan and listener and it seems like i have a problem of my own that i hope you can advise me on one of my friends has had stomach issues her

whole life bloating and gas and it recently occurred to her to try and go gluten-free to see if that helps at all she claims she feels better and when she stays away from gluten, but there have recently been several scientific studies and articles that reveal that unless you have celiac disease, then having a gluten allergy or intolerance is a myth. I have sent her several of these articles and insisted that she get tested by a doctor, but she seemingly ignores my suggestions. She has become increasingly difficult about this and recently complained on a night out

when everyone else tried to order appetizers that she would not be able to eat them. There it is. Yeah, appetizers. When we then had to change our order dramatically. She's also incredibly inconsistent. At happy hour a few nights ago, and it was just the two of us,

she ordered a burger and ate it all with the bun. When I questioned her, she claimed she really just wanted one and was willing to make the sacrifice. A few days later, though, at a picnic, she whined about forgetting a gluten-free hamburger bun and was forced to eat her burger plain. She and her husband also brew beer that she now claims that she can't drink and going out with her can be challenging. So, it almost seems like it's a social thing for her, as if going gluten-free is a cool thing to do. She claims that she would not have to be gluten-free, but never listens to what anyone has to say

or goes to the doctor. What can I do to make her listen or convince her that her problem is clearly something else? It is really putting a damper on our friendship with the group. I've read this question before. Oh, really? Is it in two answer? It is marked as, like, decent.

This is the same thing. You gotta... I love this question. You gotta do the jokey, fakey, jokey, truthy joke. I don't even think that's the answer here. I think this person cares way too much about what their friend fucking eats. Oh, you're taking the friend's side. I'm not taking any side.

I'm just saying this doesn't matter at all. Yeah, well, it matters to her because it's weighing on her because she goes out and then her friend is in a nasty attitude. Yeah, well, fucking ignore that. The only thing I can sort of see is when the friend is like, well, we can't order those appetizers because I can't have them. I would be like, well, then you don't have to eat them. But we agreed upon these appetizers. Yeah. The person that has the gluten allergy can't dictate the meal for everyone.

They have to be, they're excluded. You live with vegans at home. Oh, yeah. How does that work out? allergy can't dictate the meal for everyone right they have to be they're excluded you okay you live with vegans at home oh yeah how does that work out they're the fucking work and i do complain and i do bring it up uh and i mean it was like vegans or veggies my sisters and my mom are a rotating – like sometimes they're vegan, sometimes they're vegetarian. Occasionally one person will like break and eat meat for a while and then go back. A beautiful year, yeah. But it's never been a big deal in my house because people just keep their dietary – like if they have a dietary preference, then they like,

my sisters will get together and they'll cook vegan and vegetarian food. Right. But nobody's ever said to like, my dad and me and my brother, like, hey, we can't eat chicken. So you guys aren't going to grill tonight. Right. Like, no, well, we are. You guys can have veggie burgers.

It's split directly men and women in your house. Yeah, that's true. There was a time when my brother was at least a vegetarian, and I was also a vegetarian for a few years. Years? Or at least, maybe not two, but at least a year. Wow. When I first moved to New York, I was a vegetarian.

Oh, yeah. What's up with that? My girlfriend at the time was a vegetarian. And there you have it. Blood into me. So you're saying just ignore this friend, whatever. I just think if people have dietary preferences or restrictions, then that's on them to figure out. And you can't announce to a table of people like, hey, we have to get non-gluten appetizers for everyone because one of us has a gluten allergy.

Or maybe she doesn't. I don't know. She won't see a doctor. And did you know you can't have a gluten allergy? That's celiac disease, which is a testable thing that she won't find out if she has. Yeah, well, maybe she does have it. Also, sometimes I feel like doctors don't know everything about these brand new diseases. This shit.

Yeah. You hear those NPR podcasts all the time. Yeah, I would also not bring it up because, dislike confrontation did you clean your shoes they look very clean uh yeah i tossed them in the wash oh really uh-huh damn look at that damn damien uh all right uh do you have a word yeah but i'm not really done talking about this gluten thing oh you want to keep going i don't know what do you think man i said i would i would this is something you should probably bring up because it's bothering you but at the same time i wouldn't do that because i would just i i dislike confrontation

more than i dislike the situation it is just funny i would we can't move on but it's so funny to me like how much this person clearly cares about it's like they're they're watching like a hawk her every move oh you ate why'd you eat a burger just now and then like oh well you your husband you you why are you guys brewing beer yeah you know what's gonna happen stay out of my life when it boils over every single insert of in her mind of this person eating glutens will in the past four years will just like burst out be like you know because at my birthday party you had a cupcake and then two weeks later you said you couldn't have anything and then you've been brewing beer so how does

that work out you're like whoa like this lady just getting like her sliding off like sliding across a little document that's like this is every time you had gluten in the last year did your stomach hurt yeah oh my god so funny yeah i've been looking also rummaging through your shit and a lot of it is pretty solid stool so i know it's not i took a stool sample to a doctor and turns out you do have celiacs so i apologize for giving this journal but you're welcome it's like when trump said you know hillary started the birth removing and i finished it so you're welcome god damn it yeah sorry president trump president-elect. Barack Obama's still my president. Woo-hoo!

That's funny. Not my president, and then dot, dot, dot, until January 20th. USA. U-S-A-V-A. Dear me, dear me. Do you have a word? Fuck. None.

Wow. Or do you want to do the latest one with fuck? That's a good idea. Which was sent two and a half hours ago. Amazing. All right. It's a lady's name. I don't think we've given any fake names yet.

I've just been using the word. Oh. But I feel bad calling this lady fuck. Fuchsia. Fuchsia. That's a good word for the next round. Long time fan, first time being in a fantastically disastrous garbage fire. Yay!

Let's get down to brass tacks. My boyfriend of two years and I are in the process of breaking up. It's mad complicated. He's German and I'm American, and we were planning to go to California where I'm from for Christmas and New Year's. We live in Germany. We've already gotten the tickets and planned things and he's never been to the US. So this was going to be a big amazing holiday together. Basically

my dilemma is which of these three things to do. One. Ask him not to come. Which would suck because of the money, etc. Two. He comes but we are friends. Which would be super fuck and awkward. Three. He comes and we we are friends, which would be super fucking awkward. Three.

He comes and we break up when he leaves to go back to Germany. I was already staying in the U.S. for an internship. Well, as you blokes can tell, I'm in a major come-apart and need your guidance. I guess I'm not quite sure what to do, so any help you could provide would be greatly appreciated. Literally anything you can offer would be magically delightful right about now. Much love and thanks. Fuchsia. Fuchsia.

I like the way that email was written. Yeah, they gave us options. A come apart. We've heard that word before on here, right? Didn't we talk about it once? Yeah, Middleditch really liked it. Yeah, come apart. I love it.

All right. Option, I choose option A. Clearly. Obviously. It's very easy. Easy for you to say. Yes. I love it. All right. Option, I choose option A, clearly. Obviously. Asking not to come. It's very easy. Easy for you to say. Yes. You've been in this situation before.

You know how hard it is. Because when you're breaking up with someone, emotions are at an all-time high. That's why they say breaking up is... What's that word? Easy to overcome, I believe. Not that big of a deal. Yeah, breaking up is fine. To do.

They say that breaking up is fine. To do. Remember when. It does. It's going to be worse to come with him to the States. Yeah, this is one of those things where it's easy in the short term to say, fine, you should come with me. It'll be fine. And then it'll ruin a trip.

It'll ruin a trip. You'll have this trip. When he's here, it will be easy for the next few weeks because you will have made the easy decision and you don't have to deal with the consequences yet. But when you're dealing with the consequences, it will suck. So think about, even though I never do anything like this, think about the holiday and your trip, and you would much rather be here without your ex-boyfriend. Yeah. Or without some German kid posturing like he is your boyfriend for a few more weeks. Think about that part, not the hard conversation part.

That part, that part, that part, that part, that part. Yeah. Conversation part. That part, that part, that part, that part, that part. Yeah, it's a lot of, another common theme is, this is hard, so I'm just going to make it slightly worse for a longer time. Yeah. Kind of like my ankle. Not walking on it would fix it. But I don't want to do that for a month. So instead, I'll just be in pain forever.

Yeah, isn't that weird? I should just suck it up, fix it, condense the pain of, the slight pain of two years into much inconvenience for four weeks. You know what's annoying though? I did that when I hurt my foot. Yeah. I was on crutches for six weeks during England

and Iceland, seemingly sucking it up, and then I went off the crutches, and it still hurt, and now it still hurts three years later. You know what would be a good superpower or something in the future is transferring pain. Have you ever thought of that idea?

Yeah. Let me show you how much this ankle hurts and then I send it to you. And then you don't accept it back. Yeah, and then you're like, all right, that does suck. Well, I got to go to lunch. Where are you going? you're sprinting away

see if you can catch me sucker i think my brother asked me one time it was like it was like after my heel had been hurting for over two years it's like if you could would you give me just half the pain so you could so it'd be slightly easier It's almost like he should offer. It's weird for you to say, you know what, man? I would give you half the pain. He offered in a way that made me almost believe that he could do it. You praised it like it was going to happen. I guess, sure, man.

Could you take a little more than half? Do you feel it every single day? Some days are way worse than others., do you feel it every single day? Some days are way worse than others. And do you feel it every single step? Uh, some steps are way worse. No, it, uh,

it really is like, if your pain went away, would you notice it instantly? Oh yeah. First step, you'd be like, holy shit. Every step has a tiny little bit of pain.

It's not, it's never like completely pain free. Then there are like times when I, if I'm like walking all day at the end of the day it really hurts um or if i'm walking on a hard surface for a long time it'll really hurt but then sometimes like if i if i stretch it really well and if i roll out if i do every all of that stuff and i usually do that uh my first couple steps after stretching it for a long time are almost pain-free. Have you ever done physical therapy?

No, that's going to be the next step, actually. I'm going to the podiatrist. Our podcast is just the fucking foot and ankle podcast now. God. But I am going to go to physical therapy starting late November. My New Year's resolution was to be pain-free. Yeah, well, you have four weeks. God damn it.

Get her done. All right, let's take a break. Come back, answer more questions with the Game Boy. Ta-da. Oh. Oh. BRB. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments.

And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s.

Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats.

I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards. And if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow. So if you like watching football,

and it sounds like you do. I do. Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan, and now I'm just a fan of the league in general, but I still have...

You're a fan of gambling. Yes, of course. You're a fan of gambling in general. Yes, and I do have an affinity for the silver and black. So if you like football as much as me, which is not likely, because I do know a lot, like do you know what a nickelback does

in a cover two defense? Or like do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kings pick six app select between two and six players for you to put some money on you select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat it's that simple and for all first time pick six players check this out new customers play five dollars on your first pick set and get fifty dollars in pick six credits. Very cool.

Download the new DraftKings pick six app now and use code segments. That's code segments for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits only on DraftKings pick six. The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling.

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Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we have returned. HeadGum has a store now. We had shirts for a while and some water bottles in the office and water bottles ideas for shirts but we never really had a singular good place to see them

all uh right now if you go to head gum.com there's a store tab and if everything goes well uh there should be water bottles on there there should be head gum swag on there i There should be HeadGum swag on there. I got a HeadGum sweater. And I think there should be some YesDude shirt. Oh, shit! YesDude! YesDude! YesShirtDude! Finally a shirt that says what we're all saying, which is YesDude. We should also get a That's Awesome Dude shirt.

That's good. I'd wear a That's Awesome Dude. I could wear a YesDude shirt. That's Awesome Dude we should well we should give all those profits to jeffrey well whatever uh he's a dumbass he doesn't know the difference uh phone cases stickers a little bit of everything uh so check out head gum and then soon we're gonna have uh some swag from all of our podcasters but we're starting with uh our show and HeadGum generic for now. Actually, this hoodie is pretty dope. Yeah, dude.

If you can wear a purple HeadGum hoodie, represent the brand. Is it actually purple? Yeah, purple, seafoam green, slate gray. Oh, very nice. Kangaroo pouch. It's soft. It's good. It's a hoodie.

And it's all on HeadGum.com. And you can see the store from there. Should we talk about our Hawaii show? We already just blew the... We screwed the pooch, man. Hawaii 5 show. We're finally going to the 50th state. Dude.

Da-da-da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da-da. Do you remember the specific dates? February. It's February, but I don't know exactly. We don't have the details yet. Sorry.

But we'll get them. We'll get them to you as soon as possible. If you live in Honolulu, holy shit, our first show's in Hawaii. Every show, every trip feels like a fun vacation. And this one's actually going to be a fun vacation. Just me and you sipping Mai Tais on the beach. Just, yeah, wearing leis and doing a haka. Yeah, a haka.

Well, not a haka. A hula. A hula haka. Okay. Hula haka. Hula haka. The, oh, I got the dates. February 17th and February 18th.

Friday and Saturday. Dope, dude. We're going to rage in Honolulu. Though, yeah, I've never been to Hawaii as a drinking adult. I've always gone on family vacations there. I don't know what the nightlife is like in Hawaii. I think they party. Great.

I'm in. Cool. Should we answer some more questions? Yes. Whose turn? Yours, because I did fuck. Stocks. Maybe somebody has some questions for us.

Yeah, I would love to let them know how I invest. How are your stocks doing these days? You know, I try not to check. How's that going for you? Sometimes good, sometimes bad. At the end of the day, it's not money that I need right now, so I'm just going to ride with the market. It's not what you invest in, but when you invest.

And who you invest with. Slowly entering the market, keeping my money active, making sure that my money works for me. It's working for me. That's right. Oh, folks, making sure that my money works for me. That's right. Oh, folks, Tesla is rebounding. Oh, no.

Oh, yeah. What's your number one stock tip while I look? I guess I'm a moron, so don't listen to me. But I think you maybe told me to invest in companies that you like. And I did that. And it's way more fun to watch because I'm like, oh, I'm watching Nike stock go up and I'm watching the Starbucks stock go up. And I know those companies and they're my friends. And I'm helping them out because I'm buying shit.

Right. And I spend my money all the time there. So it's kind of nice that I'm making a little bit of cash. There's too much, too much. Oh, here's a question about stocks okay all right there was there's a lot of spam about stocks but this is a real one hey guys uh we'll call this person uh stocksy nice it's a honest anastoxia oh i like that anastoxia right just uh just to jump into it without too much background i'm a gay female college student living in the conservative Midwest.

As you can probably guess, it's kind of hard to find other girls who might be interested in a relationship. And it's been a while since I've even started talking to another lesbian lady. Recently, what I can only assume is the gay goddess changed my fortunes. I met a girl through a mutual friend who was cute, funny, sweet, and definitely gay. We have tons in common, and there's clearly mutual attraction, etc. And long story short, we've been hanging out and texting quite a bit. I really like her, and there haven't been any red flags so far. Well, except for one thing.

When she's texting, she insists on using rage faces. Yes, like the memes from 2010. The troll faces and whatnot. Instead of using emojis like a regular member of normal society, she constantly sends me images like this. They kind of look like pencil drawing, Ren and Stimpy, very extreme rage face emojis. Even worse than Forever Alone guy.

Yeah. Who's the Forever Alone guy? I literally don't know what to do i don't want to be a dick and tell her to change the way she texts because that feels super shallow but it is extremely off-putting to see these weird relics of early internet on my phone and would frankly be embarrassed if i if one of my friends of these faces pop up saw one of these faces pop up while i was texting her. It's just strange. I don't want to say something wrong and ruin my chances

with one of the only gay girls I have a shot with on campus, but I'm seriously off-put by this texting development. Do you guys put stock in how a potential love interest texts? Am I being a circle-jerking diva, or is it okay to be concerned

with this kind of behavior? Love, anastoxia. Anastoxia. I have definitely been there where I was like, did not like the way somebody texts and it totally turned me off. But that was when I was not in the same situation where there might be only one person

that I could hook up with. Yeah, it seems like the beggars can't be choosers saying is very much so in play here. Totally. You spent the first paragraph complaining about how you can't find anyone, and then you said you thank the gay goddess for sending you someone awesome to you. And then you said that you didn't like that person because of the way she texts. Yeah, at a certain point, you have to prioritize what you see in a person and between cool uh homosexual living in the midwest uh attractive hot uh a lot of common interests when you get down to how the the emojis she

when she texts seems like a pretty small issue yeah i also think uh because i do understand like when you're flirting with someone and they do something that's super off-putting, it just like, you can't really help it. So I would say that people change up the way they text a lot. I bet she's not going to stick with the rage faces forever. Yeah, maybe that's... Why don't you just start using something better, like just regular emojis or giffies or something. See if you can drive the conversation away from the rage faces. And if anything, it's a good sign because this person is being themselves. They're not acting on their best behavior. I feel like when I'm

most into someone, I'm texting weird jokes, silly things, lots of emojis i'm saying like bad jokes on purpose i'm i'm texting damn daniel i'm texting opa gangnam style all floodgates are open there's definitely someone that's got that is like yeah been like you know what never mind this guy isn't as funny as i thought he was he's doing side jokes that is true but the person that is into it it's like oh i'm myself around this person right that's sort of yeah it's like, oh, I'm myself around this person. It's like a litmus test almost. So this lady is, don't let her fail this litmus test. You know what that is?

Because I think that your damn Daniel and Psy jokes are the funniest too. See? That is the truest version of you. Opa texting style. I didn't think that anything would ever overtake oppa gangnam style but I think damn Daniel did for a little bit has it been a year since damn Daniel no

it's only been like two weeks it's just so weird you think that it's been longer yeah when did the damn Daniel because I remember we were in our old house so that's at least over six months ago a 2016 oh no let's see Yeah, when did the damn day? Because I remember we were in our old house, so that's at least over six months ago. A 2016, oh, no, let's see.

A 2016 viral video. Wow, it has its own Wikipedia page. March 9th. So it's eight months old. Really cool. Damn, Daniel, that's lasted a long time. Damn, Daniel, you stayed super relevant. Jesus, Daniel.

I had no idea it had this staying power, Daniel. I'm so proud of you, Daniel. I mean, damn, Daniel. Wow, the person who did it, Daniel himself, was born on 9-11, 2001. What? That's such a lie. Yeah, it's a lie. April 4th, 2001. But still, they are young.

The 9-11 thing was a weird thing I had. Actually, I can edit the Wikipedia page. Damn, Daniel, you were born on a really dark day in American history, Daniel. Thanks for spreading your light, Daniel. Back at it again with the white... I'll stop. There you are uh uh so anyway it's funny you stopped there i can't take it too far i've only made three 9-11 jokes damn daniel i shouldn't make the fourth um how let it go let it it go. Let it go.

It's not that big of a deal. Rage faces. Actually, I might send this rage face to somebody today. That's a fun idea. Sort of test the waters. What is this thing? I bet there's a lot of people who don't know what it is. I had no idea what it is.

But now that I see it, it's sort of familiar. It's like a Reddit thing. It's a meme. All right. Do you have a question or something to search? Yes. This might be the last question. Oh, my God.

Let's make it count. Tigress. Oh, so specific. Nope. Nothing. Tiger. Tiger. How do you spell that?

T-I-G-E-R. No, I think it's a Y. No. Yes. I do. A lot of questions. I'll give you three subject titles. Ready?

Okay. Kim Jong Slutbag. Huh? Will I Get Ditched for a Nude? Hmm. And Stop the Music. God, I guess Kim Jong Sl jong slut back the most compelling but i do want to say it like will i get ditched for a nude but whatever um oh another lady we keep finding the game boy the game boy is not as sexist as the other hosts. So, what did you search for this?

Tiger. Yeah. Tigress writes, but I Tigress. Very nice. So, I'm an illustration student this summer. While I'm looking for work, I've been doing some commissioned portraits on the side. Nothing too expensive, just some extra video game money. And I find it to be really good drawing practice.

Last month, this girl who used to bully me in high school for being fat messaged me on Facebook and said she wants a portrait of her. Now, I'm not one to hold grudges or anything. High school was a while ago, and I have moved on, so I agreed. Once I said yes, she started stipulating and had all these super weird conditions for the painting. First, she absolutely had to be painted in person because she loves the attention of someone drawing her. Second, she wanted to be painted lying on a tiger skin rug and naked with a really serious face

like some mix of a porn star and a North Korean dictator. I really, really didn't want to do this. So to get out of it, I told her I usually only paint people on my computer and from reference, she offered to pay me three times as much as what I wanted to get the charge initially. Oh, sorry, three times as much as I was going to charge initially. I thought she was fucking with me, but then she sent me the money through PayPal as a gesture of good faith. I have no idea how to get out of this now, and I can't really afford to turn down $600 when I'm up to my eyeballs in student debt.

But I really don't want to draw this psychotic bitch naked, and I especially don't want to do it if it's all part of some kind of weird ego boost for her after how she treated me for six years of my life what should i do wow what an interesting question to have found i guess what would you do basically let's start there i i would do it what better way to get back at this person than to help them waste six hundred dollars on a dumb ass painting oh wow what, okay, I like that as a start. What if you paint her a little worse? So you'd be like, yeah, get naked. And they're like, all right, I want to draw some like,

you know how your back skin is greasy. So I want to get the shine just right. Yeah, but then she's no better. Give her little complexes. But then she's no better than the bully. Well, when you go low, when they go low, you go lower. Lower still. You go underground. It's called fighting in the trenches.

They go low, you go underneath them. And further still until we're all in the core of the earth burning alive. So that's one way to get back at her. In case you're worried about making sure that you're not taking it from somebody who bullied you, you can sort of fuck her again.

Fuck her just as hard as she fucked you. Why six years of my life I thought she was a high school bully? Yeah, I guess maybe their high school started in seventh grade. It was like seven through 12 or something. So you would do it? I mean, it sounds hot to me. So I want to do it just so I can like, you know. Well, in your version, it would be you painting a bully male naked on a tiger skin rug.

Oh, right. So I'm not looking at like this hot bully who would mean to people like totally naked on a tiger skin rug. Hot bully is a funny porn search. Hot bully? Yeah. There's definitely porn for that. It's like dominatrix, but just like wedgies and shit. Right.

Oh, for sure. They have like giant test porn where the girl crushes you with her ass and stuff. Yeah. You are squeezing your balls right now. I'm jerking off right now. Which I shouldn't say that's unique to the question we're answering right no I know

I always do this yeah I guess yeah I mean if that was my if I made money from drawing and somebody I hated

wanted me to draw them but if I needed the money I don't think I'm so proud that I wouldn't do it just do it just do it at the very least

it'll add something to your portfolio it'll move your quote up now you can start charging $600 and be like like 600 who gives you 600 like oh you know that hot bully that used to terrorize me yeah i made this yeah oh living well is the best revenge i think i i've been in some sort of a similar situation to this and i found that it was like a little bit empowering to like to really not hold a grudge and to treat that person just like I would treat anyone. And it was kind of,

it's kind of nice. And especially if this person is like, you are sort of in the power position here. They're, they really want a favor from you. They want to pay you money. Ooh, this was sent in the money.

This was sent a couple of months ago. I'm going to reply and see if we can get the photo. Well, the picture, not the photo, not a photo of the naked girl on the tiger, right? No, I want to see a photo of the painting. Okay, cool.

Yeah, I want to see it. Maybe we could put it on the website. If it comes up. All right, that's it. The Game Boy is out. Goodbye, Game Boy. Back to your attic. Oh!

Oh! Oh! He's shrinking somehow. Yeah, he's the size of a little, I don't know, figurine. He's a figurine. If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions, that address, email address for everything is ifireadioshow at gmail.com.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for spreading the word. Do you remember who made the opening theme song? Sri. Sri ain't. Sri. Going nowhere. Sri ain't. Oh, this one, the outro is Blink-182 cover. Dude, that should have been the intro. Well, I wanted to explain what it was, and then it's also a little bit long.

So it's a nice outro song. Blink-182 cover from Josh No Joshua. A special song. This one is from Take Off Your Pants and Jacket, one of Blink-182's lesser known albums. Oh, yeah. This is a guy that we've done before. So it is SoundCloud Josh No Joshua.

This one is the Stay Together for the Kids parody called Stay Together for the Jews. This is not what we've played before, right? No. I don't remember. So thanks, what we've played before, right? No. I don't remember. So thanks, Josh No Joshua on SoundCloud and Instagram. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back after Thanksgiving.

Oh, have a good holiday. Have a good turkey day. Don't eat too much. Wait, this is coming after Thanksgiving? This will be the Monday before Thanksgiving. Oh, right. So we're saying the Monday before Thanksgiving. Oh, right. So we're saying in advance of Thanksgiving. Sorry, we're recording this in May of 2019.

So it's hard. Yeah, we're recording this from the future. Back to the future. All right, let's get out of here. Bye. So is your life going poor? In a situation you can't ignore? You've got a problem

You can't solve it It makes no sense at all I've got a solution to do Send an email to these two Jews Free advice You'll laugh all night Listening to If I was you We'll see advice too You gotta believe you do

Yeah, alright Okay, relax, Romeo. That was a HeadGum Podcast.