Segments - 247: Unhinged

Episode Date: November 28, 2016

In this episode we discuss one night stands, team captains and when to delete dating apps. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace, ZipRecruiter, and Leesa! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Let's get right into this episode. Of course things got real real we're full of turkey here we go oh great theme song listen to this if i were you i'd tell you what i'd do i know a way to make be you'd have a sticky situation

and a little tamerization some problems with your family oh this is the game boy here to help you make it through life. Oh, well, I hope of all the questions they pick mine. They pick mine. If only I were you. Very soothing. Damn, Daniel. That was really good.

Voice of an angel on that, man. That guy is Jesse Gold, who I believe we've used as theme songs many a time. We met him one time in Toronto. Yeah, and I ran into him in Santa Monica. He's as cool as the name Jesse Gold would lead you to believe, plus his music. Like kind of cool and kind of Jewish. yeah exactly yeah jesse's a great cool jewish name yeah because so if you want to gold is a cool jewish last name yeah do you think names have a lot to do with who you turn out to be like if your name was moysha do you think you'd be cool? I bet not. Really? Yeah.

That's like the first really big executive decision your parents make in molding your future. Yeah, it's true. Will you be a Jesse or a Moishe? Those are the only two options. Your parents wanted you to be a Moishe. That's why they named you Shmuel. And I begged and pleaded as a six-day-old for the name. At least give me an ambiguously Jewish name like Amir

that I can overcome in some capacity. They said, fine, Shmuel for middle. Thanks, Jesse Gold. You can follow him on Instagram and everywhere else, at jessegoldmusic. That's it, at jessegoldmusic. Dope. You know that song, Wagon Wheel?

So rock me, mama, like a wagon wheel. Yeah. Yeah. Is that like a popular song that a bunch of people do, or is that like a Darius Rucker song? I believe the story of that song is that it's an old Bob Dylan song. Oh. But then it was made popular by like Old Crow Medicine

something they covered the Bob Dylan song because it wasn't a popular or even finished Bob Dylan song oh really and then they just like we'll take it and we'll finish it yeah and now I think it's like it was such a popular cover that everyone's covering

floodgates are open is what I think oh mama rock me It was such a popular cover that everyone's covering. Floodgates are open. Is what I think. Oh, mama rock me. Great song. That's my parody request of the week. If you have a wagon wheel, if I were you, show cover. Ooh, nice.

All right. What is this show? This show is a podcast show, obviously. Podcast me, mama. Things got real. Oh, that's really good. Oh, podcaster rocks me. I don't good. Oh, podcaster-ots me. I don't know. Listen, I'm not the artist.

I'm just the host. You are. So see if you can make it better. You figure it out. That's me throwing the lyrics at an intern that has a guitar in his hand. He doesn't know how to play. It doesn't matter. This is an advice podcast.

So the way it works is that you download it with a podcast app, or you can stream the audio live on your computer. You can hear us talk. And the way it works is that the way the things that we say are so kind of entertaining and kind of humorous that it makes a pedestrian or boring, uh, tasks or obligations seem to fly by in a faster way. Your commute or your workout.

Right. So, like, let's say you're washing dishes. That's usually where I go to, and it seems it's a mundane or tedious task. Do you listen to podcasts while you're washing dishes? I don't. Okay. Yeah. You think other people might?

Yeah, I think they might. But when do you listen to podcasts most? Ooh, good question. Driving, I would say. So you listen to podcasts most? Ooh, good question. Driving, I would say. So you listen to podcasts most when you're driving. But the example for someone listening to a podcast is washing dishes. All right. So you're washing a dish and you're listening to us talk.

And I guess in an ideal way, it makes you laugh and it makes you happy and it makes you smile. That's what a podcast is. Yeah, and this specific one is us answering people's questions. People are often confused in life. We say you can ask us about anything you want. Any advice you need, Jake and I are proud and humbled to give it.

90% of the time it's relationship advice just because that's what people are most confused about, but we'll take anything at this point. That's true. If you have your own questions or maybe even your own theme song submissions, the email address for everything is ifirewshow at gmail.com. For this episode, I found a couple questions. You found a couple questions. I wonder if we found the same questions. Oh, I did not think that far ahead.

No, we did not. Which leads us to the first theme of the podcast. We are sort of adult children. We don't often think ahead. That's why our show is called If I Were You and Not Good Advice from Therapists. Right. Which is a much more boring but probably intellectual podcast that you should also subscribe to. So do you have any questions called FWBFTW?

No. All right. So why don't we start with that one that I found from a lady, a sophomore in college. You want to give this lady a fake name? Just so we can refer to her while still preserving her anonymity. This is really for people who've never heard the show before, huh? Not a single inside joke for the rest of this time, guys. So get all your ha, your J1, your Josh and Vance, the pinch.

That's out. All right. Yes, your day one, your Josh and Vance, the pinch. That's out. All right. Yes, dude. Yes, dude. This is like the end of the Terminator where he sort of morphs into everything. Yes, dude. Seize the cheese, dude. Seize the cheese, dude.

Day one hack on your goose. Hashtag dope. All right. This lady's called Kenzie Boner. Nice, dude. Yeah. Listen up, Deva Roach. It's funny because Boner is a silly word and Kenzie Boner. Nice, dude. Yeah. Listen up, Diva Roach. It's funny because Boner is a silly word and Kenzie is a dumbass name.

Clearly, we're just slighted by somebody named Kenzie. Somebody at the gym just beat you up. This one's called Kenzie and I beat the shit out of him. I know it's a lady. I'm so sorry. Kenzie Boner writes writes i'll get right to the point i'm a sophomore in college and i lost my virginity two months ago what up i had been waiting for the one but then i got horny oh you never want to be horny there's only one way to

alleviate the horniness so about three weeks, I started a friends with benefits relationship, but due to scheduling conflicts, we were only recently able to have sex about a week ago. So, the second time we boned, he ended up sleeping over and we cuddled throughout the night. Now, I chose this guy for a reason. We don't agree on many fundamental issues, so I know we wouldn't make a good couple. However, after the cuddle session, I realized I'm starting to miss intimacy. So should I A, ditch this dude and wait for someone special, B, continue this friends with benefit relationship that teeters on the line of a real relationship, you know, text throughout the day, cuddle session, sleepover, goodbye kisses,

or C, lie to myself about not actually needing intimacy and continue this friends with benefits relationship while avoiding those constant text snaps sleepovers and cuddle sessions thanks love the show i'm a day one baby i don't know what that means there are no inside jokes anymore uh okay so i don't understand her three uh options maybe some of them are like overlapping let's pretend like you don't have these three options you could some of them are like overlapping. Let's pretend like you don't have these three options. You could do whatever you want.

I fucking hate multiple choice. Yeah. This is my life, my show. Well, it's her life, your show. Okay.

Still one out of two, I bet. So she's in a friends with benefits relationship and she's like, wait, maybe I do kind of like, i miss cuddling and intimacy so should i what should i do should i ditch this dude for someone special or just continue on this thing and pretend like i don't give a shit about the intimacy and there's not an option of her being intimate with this guy because they don't agree on anything yeah they don't agree on many

fundamental issues so we wouldn't make a good couple. For instance, I like him and he doesn't like me. That's the biggest fundamental issue in every relationship. What are your thoughts on me? Let's say, I think if she, it sounds like she wants something more than a sexual relationship. So since she got her horniness quenched, she might as well forget about this dude for a bit and try to find a boyf yeah or she can or she can continue with this dude while she looks for the boyf yeah that's the nice thing about friends with benefits they're kind of low stakes yeah it's either it's this or nothing while you look for a boyf so if this is better than nothing at all

then you can just continue doing it while you look for a boif. This is like sex and no intimacy. Yeah. But then searching for a boif is no sex and no intimacy. Right. So you might as well have the sex if you enjoy the sex. And the intimacy if you enjoy the boif. Coming up on NBC's The Boif. What are your thoughts on cuddling after a random one-night-stand-esque hookup?

Oh, I love it. Oh, you love it? Yeah. So even if it's like a one-night-stand thing and you're like, I'm never going to see this person again. Sometimes especially. I love to have like a girlfriend for the night. So like spooning, hugging, kissing in the middle of the night. Kissing in the cheeks.

And then you're like, all right, bye forever. If I had it my way way i would like also be able to say i love people but it really confuses people when you never see them again after that so i learned that the medium way uh i'm definitely down for i like cuddling i'm a cuddler and then do you have you ever been like uh the victim of someone who's like all right i gotta go and you're like wait but don't you want to stay and cuddle? Yeah, but no, this was a hit and run of sorts. When like that's happened,

like somebody's like, all right, I'm going to go home. Like, you know, you can sleep here. It's like, no, that's okay. Yeah. I'm usually like, that's fine too. That is an interesting rule some people have. Like, I'm not sleeping over. I don't like sleeping over.

Well, though some people it's more, not a rule, but more like they're not comfortable. They don't get comfortable. They're unable to sleep in other people's beds. Yeah, and that's fine. I think that the rule for that is always like if the person wants to fuck and leave, that's kind of like that's got to be fine. But like you can't just kick someone out of your house after you've brought them home. What if you sleep in their bed?

Do you, are you just assuming I'm sleeping there? Or do you ask for permission? Someone out of your house after you've brought them home. What if you sleep in their bed? Are you just assuming I'm sleeping there? Or do you ask for permission? I don't know if my rule should really check out. I guess it's definitely a case-by-case basis. Because I've been in a position, too, where someone was like, you can go. And I sort of felt like they wanted me to. And I was like, all right. I'm leaving then.

It is 412, though. maybe i'll leave at 9 30 i think this is what everybody hopes out of a one night stand but why does it feel so mean i should go i'm gonna leave can i cuddle you before i love you i'm yeah it is funny it's like you have a basically a girlfriend for the night it's such a loving way to sleep with someone that might, in fact, be a stranger. Yeah. You might kiss them goodbye like you're going to work for the thousandth time. It's funny how that's more intimate. Like, you can literally, like, you know, you penetrate somebody.

Yeah. Or have someone enter you. Sure. Swapping bodily fluids, coming in front of, like into someone or on someone or with someone. Something that your best friends haven't seen. The most intimate thing in the world. And then like you're, you don't want to like stroke someone's hand in the morning. Oh, that's a little too real.

Yeah. Because once the light comes up, the magic is over. I guess I always imagined it was like, once I leave the room, the magic is over. You shut the door. Yeah. In this room, in this cocoon of lovemaking, I think – It's a theater. I feel like we're in a relationship.

Yeah. You're maybe walking to the bathroom naked. You're opening the fridge. It's very boyfriend-y. Oh, yeah. Chugging milk. Totally nude. Oh, that's good.

And she's like, can you not? And then you're like, okay, here we go. Wipe my milk mustache off belch and say you don't love me anymore yeah you give her a gross kiss and she sort of like laughs and is disgusted at the same time it's very cute yeah that's a movie and then you plop down next to her in the bed and she's like oh shit my mom's calling and then you're like oh let me guess she's asking you about like i know some really weird like intimate information yeah how did you know about my aunt elise uh don't worry quiet kensy this wasn't about you

uh so in conclusion uh still have fun you can have fun with this guy you don't need to be in a relationship with him but if you find yourself maybe growing too attached that's when you should cut him off yeah that's what's up yeah all right unless he's getting attached to then it's kind of like oh did we just morph into yeah df and gf maybe that's fine i wonder how many relationships start with a quote-unquote one night stand because that's maybe how the first date goes and you don't know if it's a one-night stand or the beginning of a marriage. How many marriages started with a one night stand? Interesting.

I thought we were one night. And how many wedding speeches ended with? I'm trying to think about my relationships relationships. And I believe only one of them began that way. That's right. And of mine, one of them began that way. That's right. And of mine, one of them did too. So the rule is one always does.

Amazing. It's called the one rule. The rule to rule them one. Wait, two of mine did. Oh, shit. Sorry. The exception to the rule. The exception proves the rule. Very good. I've got a relationship question of my own from a lady. it oh shit sorry the exception to the rule the exception proves the rule very good i have a i've

got a relationship question of my own from a lady um oh you mean a lady named dove gray yeah that's a cool name yeah dove gray i'm sorry i'm just looking at a tab on my computer and it's that's the name of a carpet yeah yeah paint chip that makes a lot of sense too uh dove gray this is actually more of a sex question than a relationship one all right pass well come on dove gray writes hey jake hi amir i absolutely adore you guys on the podcast you seriously make my day thanks dove gray i have no question i've been seeing a guy for a while now who is really into dirty talk. The problem is I don't like the word pussy because it sounds gross, yet vagina is too clinical. Do you guys have any tips for dirty talk?

And what's a sexy way to refer to, you know, my parking space? Hope you guys enjoyed your holiday. Duff Gray. So she has to say it. Or she wants to make a rule that he can't say it the reason i chose this is uh because i think there's a right answer oh i want to see if you get there and by the way you that is two different ways to interpret it and i interpreted it as she wants to say it and she wants to come up with a different way to got it like i want you to eat or chow down on my x my blank is so tight my blank is so wet and she thinks vagina is too clinical and pussy is too crass well you want to say like oh yeah uh my vagina's so wet that

sounds like some sort of issue yeah uh my pussy's so wet i, I still think that sounds hot, but maybe I'm completely wrong. So there's a word for that that's in between vagina and pussy. Did Donald Trump ruin pussy for us? Is that one of the other fucking things that he did? That's what I'm most mad about, I think. He stole that word from perverts. So my is so... I'm trying to think.

Now I'm at a complete, like, I'm just trying to think of any adjective. Like box is kind of like really crass. Yeah, it's gross too. My twat is the worst, I think. Yeah. And cunt is bad too. Right. I think slit's the worst. Are you serious? Yeah. And cunt is bad, too. Right. I think slit's the worst. Are you serious?

Yeah. Slit seems really gross. My slit is so wet. You said, wait, I'm not saying that's the answer. I'm saying that's the worst. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you said that's what she should say. Oh, God, no.

Ew. Christ. Slit, twat, cunt, pussy, vagina. Bob, if you're still listening, I guess you could just keep it up at this point. We've said the worst we could possibly say. Is there a less sexy way to say it than me brainstorming adjectives? All right, what do you think it is?

You don't say it at all, brother. Down there, clit? You don't say it. Oh, you don't say it? No. So it's a trick question. Yeah, dude. So the adjective I couldn't think of

was actually the right choice. Yeah, you just talk about other shit. You talk about his shit. You know what I mean? So she wants... Put your cock in me. Oh, give me that dick. Fuck me.

Spank my ass. Lick my tits. Whatever, you know? And I'm so wet. You don't... Like, make the vagina you. Like, oh, I'm so tight. Is it tight?

You know? So it's as if the vagina is talking. And I'm, yeah, exactly. It's the, you have to. In this moment, you are the vagina. Vagina. So two eyes on a little vagina, not on like some sort of animated oyster. That's kind of a decent way to think about it.

Yeah. If you are the vagina, then you get to say, like, I'm so wet. You don't have to say, my pussy is wet, or my vagina is wet, or my slit is wet, or my collar. Got it. So, like, in this world, she's a cartoon clam. Two googly eyes. Oh, you could say that's another one.

My clam is so tight for you. And she's saying, ooh, kiss me here. But she actually means her vagina. Yeah. You say lick it, or lick me. Lick me is kind of weird. But suffice to say, this is obviously the correct answer. So you're saying don't reference your vagina at all.

Just don't say it. I want to give her a word just because she really wants a word. We gave her the right answer. You want to give her a word, fine. But I stand by my answer. So Jake says no word and and I say, down there. I'm so wet. Down there?

Mm-hmm. Oh, no. Yeah. That's my suggestion. Maybe, I guess if any girl was saying it to me, I'd think it was hot. But you saying it to me, my penis just crawled up inside my navel. You just passed the gay test. Yes!

I was so worried because I've been in a relationship with a man for a long time. But I have noticed it's been loveless. Alright, so those are some options. Solid options. That's what I call answers. We're about halfway through our 45 minute episode, so why don't we

take a break right now, come back with even more Q's and A's. That's great great because I have to pee. Perfect. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that,

we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple,

intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly.

Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday?

Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, visionlifters. Yeah, visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think.

And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain so again you go to Squarespace.com

slash SEGMENTS you save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial thank you Squarespace and we have returned yes dude how was your thanksgiving it was really nice yeah we should say we're recording this before thanksgiving but we can have the conversation

as if it happened that's cool or did you survive the thing uh no i died really yeah jesus right i'm dead i died over the weekend that is gonna be so dark if it happens. Dude, can you imagine? The posthumous podcast. I'd want you to run it. Really? Yeah. You mean that, dude? Actually, no.

I'd really want you to end the podcast, dilute head gum, give it up, chop it into little pieces. All the podcasts become independent. You stop any writing projects. This is so selfish. Yeah. I just don't want you to succeed without me i guess people would be like oh jake might have been holding him holding him back the whole time got it i guess i can start some like some maybe start writing some of my own shit that could be like a little no like i wouldn't want you to write anything well i'm saying like maybe i can even write something about your passing or like some sort of semi

autobiographical dark comedy. Yeah, but even if that went forward and it was successful, then it would be like, oh, Amir was a better writer without Jake and I really wouldn't want anything like that. I can make it a little worse than, I can even make it a little worse

than I would actually make it. Right. So I would make it a little worse and I would call it your name. I would say to Jake Hurwitz, I would dedicate it to you. So it'd be like a love letter to you. Yeah, that's kind of cool. But I would make it a little worse. And I would call it your name. I would say to Jake Hurwitz, I would dedicate it to you. So it would be like a love letter to you. Yeah, that's kind of cool.

But I would really, again, I would hate for something to like... It would be critically panned. Huh, that's pretty good. Oh, fuck you, dude. Is it just me? Is it just me? Is it just me? Yeah, we're recording this before Thanksgiving

releasing after so it's tough to say how the holidays were but you can you can safely estimate that we ate a lot yeah

oh you can be like ugh I fucking I feel like I haven't worked out in a few days right I tried to get a good

workout in today yeah before we leave oh your last the launch off one yeah oh I'm gonna bring my I'm bringing my

climbing shoes home hopefully I'm gonna climb with my brother a little bit. That'd be nice. Yeah. How did that go when you climbed with your brother? I ended up only, I was going to, I brought my stuff home. I was going to try to climb two or three times, but we ended up just climbing once.

And even then it wasn't a good session. We just went and got cheeseburgers afterwards. Cheeseburgers mid Thanksgiving. I would like to, I'm going to go on record and say, I think I will, so I know I'm going to get really drunk on Wednesday. Yeah. Hungover Thursday for Thanksgiving. For Thanksgiving.

Which is good timing. Yeah. You're indoors, you're eating a lot of food. Guilt-free-ish. Right. Oh, God, I love, God. Thanksgiving is one of the best. Yeah, because it's all food.

It's funny, I used to hate Thanksgiving when I was younger. Why? I think because it was like time away from- Family time and not friends. Yeah, exactly. And now I miss my family. I see my friends all the time. I'm sick of my fucking friends.

Yeah, when I'm doing Thanksgiving, it's just family time. And we're on like go to bed at 10 p.m., wake up at 7 a.m. time. Yeah, so you're not going to go out on Wednesday night. No, yeah. No going out Wednesday night. It's like I'm going to be at my brother's house with my nieces hanging out with them then maybe yeah then maybe watching basketball or something and then if one of them is down like the eight-year-old was telling me about this like new club that just opened up in downtown uh sf yeah yeah so downtown san francisco way yeah she i guess she knows the

bouncer so how because she does like gymnastics with his kids so she's eight uh-huh and his kids are eight yeah she like got it how did she get in good with the bouncer and like know that she needed to get you because she's like my dad's a bouncer her friend who does gymnastics with her it's like my dad's a bouncer at that new club you're not gonna bring her obviously to the no yeah it would be me and her it would be me and her yeah and then we would get service somewhere yeah well i don't even know if we have to pay for the bottle service but if we get it like that's such a plus because then we get like the vip table and you can like sort of look this is your does your brother her father know about this no we probably won't it's like our little

secret type thing so we're like super hungover the next day yeah damn I think this is illegal. Yeah. In fact. You guys are both hungover. It's funny to imagine an eight-year-old hungover. That has to have happened, right? Definitely. I don't think it's funny, though, when it happens, I bet. It's probably really, really sad. Because when you're hungover now, you know what you did. Yeah. An eight-year-old does... I don't think an eight-year-old could comprehend, I drank, I made crazy decisions, and now I'm paying for it today.

That's, like, the nice thing about a hangover. Right. You're like, you can recognize you deserve this. This is the consequence. The tax. Yeah. This is what I'm paying for the fun time. An eight-year-old is probably just like,

I feel very sick, and it's so sad. There must be some sort of childlike abuse of parents getting their kids sick or drunk, right? Yeah, definitely. Because no six to eight-year-old would willingly drink alcohol. Remember how disgusting it was when you have a sip of your parents' wine

and it tasted like poison? Yeah, I remember that, but I remember also my little sister liked the taste of beer. Some babies like the taste of beer or wine. Yeah, you get a little whiskey on your finger and you stick it in the baby's mouth. I bet they don't like that.

But maybe like an old-fashioned or a... Or a Gin Ricky. A four-year-old drinking a Cosmo, sipping on a martini while reading a newspaper. They definitely make drinks sweet enough for adults to like them. You like your drinks super sweet sometimes. Yeah, that's true.

I'm sure I... Yeah, maybe like your drinks super sweet sometimes. Yeah, that's true. I'm sure I, yeah. Maybe I can. Not anybody in my family, but I would like to get an eight-year-old drunk. Oh, no. What? This is so fucked up. All right. Do we have, oh, wait, it's my turn.

Yeah, it's your turn. My turn to ask, answer, or ask you a question. Yeah. This one is from a dude. Okay. You got a name for him? Tad Daly. Because we do things a tad daily around here.

I recently matched with this babe on Hinge. Hinge! And we arranged to get brunch together the next day. Brunch went well, and we decided to go back to my place to smoke. We ended up spending the whole day together. We went to the zoo, watched a movie, went to a party at night. She slept over. Fast forward a few days, we've hung out two more times, continue to have fun together, holding hands, kissing frequently, cuddling. I even went as far as to delete Tinder and Hinge from my phone as I don't see the need for them at the moment.

Wow. This morning, however, I decided to re-download Hinge to see whether or not she was still active on it. Okay. Lo and behold, she's still on there pretty much every few hours during the day. I could just delete Hinge again or unmatch her, but I'd sort of rather talk to her about it. What the fuck do I do here this is really gutting me but surely it's too early to ask her to delete or not use it i could tell her that it makes me feel shitty that she's still on there but i'm not sure what good that will do me aside from

forcing an ultimatum me or hinge what are my options here oh man hinge haven't heard that Oh, man. Hinge. Haven't heard that word in a while. Is it just hinge? Is it just hinge? Yeah, it's a little bit of a tricky conundrum. I mean, like, there was no... What was the motivation for him to delete it in the first place? I think this guy's moving way faster than her. He's like, two dates in i'm like this is

the one i'm deleting this shit yeah and then he like re-downloads it and he's like wait a minute i'm not the one to her i guess like it it's fine with it's fine if you delete hinge and you're like i really like this girl i don't need to match anybody but it is sort of an unreasonable expectation for you to uh assume that she needs to be going at the same pace as you are. Yeah, I think of this as like cheating. So there's no rule. You can't say like don't cheat. You can't say don't whatever.

You have to delete it. You just have to be so good that the person actively chooses you over any other partner. So if you're like a great guy, then she'll eventually delete Hinge on her own volition. And it'll mean more because you didn't ask her to do it. You feel like you've never said to a girlfriend, like, hey, by the way, one of the rules of dating is that we don't cheat on each other?

Yeah, I would never say that. Right. Yeah. You just sort of assume that's sort of, that's like that unsaid one. Yeah. We didn't have to go over that in the intro date. We just assumed that it's not good to cheat on other people.

It's kind of the same rule as like when I have to stop seeing other people. Yeah. Like if it starts feeling where it's like, wow, I am legit in a relationship with this person, hopefully that other person feels the same way too and it's not like six months down the line and she's still dating others. Yeah. I mean like it's only been a few days few dates three dates i mean these but these dates do sound kind of epic well you know they just they got brunch got high went to a zoo and a movie and a party and that's that describes four and a half weeks of a relationship i don't know yeah i don't know when she has time

to even go on hinge right now. She's unhinged. Actually, when I was reading this, I took a note. I'm like, going to the zoo is probably a fun date. Especially if you go stoned. Oh, wow. Imagine seeing a fucking elephant high. Like the elephant's high? Yeah.

And the eight-year-old that you brought is drunk. Yeah. So I gleaned from this, you should go to a zoo uh aside from that don't ask her to delete it you can't ask her to delete it don't bring it up it sounds like i wouldn't even say anything i would not do a single thing about it just continue to be cool uh and then maybe she'll just delete it on her own yeah on her own volition and i feel like when you if you need to talk to her about it you wouldn't want to frame it as like so do you want to delete hinge yeah i want to say like let's should we uh should we stop seeing

other people or dating other people and i've like you know what i've done is like i've kept apps going longer in the background because it's like oh i'm not swiping but at the same time i don't people or dating other people and i've like you know what i've done is like i've kept apps going longer in the background because it's like oh i'm not swiping but at the same time i don't want to deactivate yet you know like because there's something fun about like what if i spend three months with this person and then i go back to the app and i got a whole pool of people that have swiped for the last three months oh that's fun and then when you finally delete that that's when it means a lot more because you're like oh shit I'm really just turning my back on all these people. Yeah.

I guess that's one of the hard things that us millennials have to deal with. Right. Especially if you meet someone on these apps, you know they're using it. Yeah. God, the dating pool is so enormous. It really is. It's hard to get out. It's the middle of the ocean, unfortunately.

And unless you've matched with a speedboat there's no end in sight alright the end next question by the way did you hear Gabrus on Twinnovation? No it's the funniest

it's so fucking good that's out right now if you guys have not heard John Gabrus guesting on Twinnovation it's like two of my favorite podcasts collided uh it's so funny i should also mention that i was on barely friending i can't talk as glowingly about it because it's me but uh if you want to hear my voice talking about i think we talked about casual sex on that as well oh hell yeah uh barely friendingending episode 77 with special guest me, Amir Shmuel.

Shmuel. Shmuel. So if you guys need more DJ Shmuel. In the house, if you guys need more podcast content, I'm going to listen to

that Twinnovation tonight. Maybe while I'm running my dishwasher. Oh, there you go. It really, God, it's so funny. They like, Gabrus is just

the fucking quickest and Dave is the dumbest so it's a match made in whatever the difference between hell and heaven is yeah i mean you just have to hear and also gabrus had like never heard the show before so like when dave's pitching he's reading a manifesto off his phone gabrus is so confused that's great what the fuck are you doing what is this jave does this every week just talking about the singularity and john is like i don't think you know what it is it's true it is fun to like hear an outsider perspective on twin evasion because they have such a shared language and ecosystem that nobody dare question. Yeah. All right. And also like somebody that's just like Gabrus that comes in, has no interest in like trying to,

to like cater to their audience. He's just like himself making fun of Dave. It's great. All right. Anyway. Yeah. This is coming from a 15 year old boy. Oh,

yeah. What's his name? Diddly did. Did what's his name diddly did diddly did diddly did writes i am a 15 year old male turning 16 next april and i have a sticky situation on my hands i'm currently in my high school's 21 and under soccer team and i'm thinking of quitting because of this shithead team captain he's pretty pretty good. Well, on the other hand, I'm not the best. And even though I know this myself, he keeps reminding me that I'm shit every time I see him. As I've said, I know I'm not the best, but I'm definitely not the worst. Even my other teammates say I've improved and that I'm not bad. He's even told other teammates that he would tell the coach to not have me start the games. I have a couple of years left in high

school. Then I'm off to college. I was wondering if I should quit the team and not deal with that shithead anymore, or should I push through and stay on the team? My reason for staying in the team is so that I have something on my CV. Do colleges even check sporting achievements? Is it important to have this on my CV? Please help me. Thanks in advance. Diddly did. All right, a lot of thoughts there. Number one, high school under 21 team. Who's on the high school under 21 team who's on the high school over 21 yeah that person shouldn't be on the team uh that's illegal uh i was thinking if i was 15 now would i listen to podcasts would you listen to podcasts i probably if i was 15 I don't know like did the 15 year old

version of me do things like listening to yeah I guess I probably would've cause I was like watching funny internet videos

and listening to like Adam Sandler CDs right I liked comedy albums right right right so yeah if there was like a way

for me to get more comedy I probably would we would be like comedy nerds listening to comedy podcasts yeah i bet um all right so and then what else what else this reminded me of is i remember two sports memories when i was around this age number one i don't know if i ever talked about this but it's a really funny story there was when and when i was in eighth grade, so when I was 14, there were basketball tryouts for middle school basketball. And there was only like 80 kids in my grade, but like half of the grade tried out. So there was like 40 dudes trying out. So the rule in middle

school was, especially at my middle school, because it was a private Jewish middle school, is that if you wanted to play, you could play. They'll just make more teams. So there was the A team, the B team, the C team, and the fourth team, the saddest name of all. Imagine something sadder than the D team. It's really loud. It's so sad. And I was smart enough to know it. It was called the NBA team. The NBA team. As if we were so bad to make us feel better. Wait, there was after the D team? No, it was A team, B team, C team, and the NBA team. As if you were so dumb and bad at basketball.

We're not even going to legitimize you by saying you're a step below the seat, guys. Yeah. So I tried out, and I thought I did pretty well. But when they started listing off the teams, A team, all my friends, B team, some of my friends, C team, not even me, NBA team, all the people who have pretty much never played basketball before and me. And I'm like, oh, my God, this is mortifyingifying some of them are happy because they're on the fucking nba team but i have to like tell them no that's it's patronized really bad guys yeah try out uh so i i was in a situation where i'm like this is kind of embarrassing maybe i should just quit i don't want to play with all these people that never played basketball before scrubs but i played i

stayed with it it was actually really fun because they appropriately put me on the worst league but i was the best player in the worst league so compared to somebody that's never played basketball before i was like averaging 18 points a game because i can actually like shoot you could dunk all of a sudden so it felt great to be the best player on the worst, saddest named team. Oh, that's funny. So that wasn't quite for college, but it did remind me, it reminded me or it gave me the idea

to tell this guy to stick it out because quitting is probably even sadder than getting made fun of while being on the team. Yeah. I mean, fuck this guy. I just, I had to answer this question because I team yeah i mean fuck this guy i just i i had to answer this question because i had to say fuck this team captain who's like picking on you that's the opposite of what a team captain is supposed to do yeah but you know high school

sports it's all just it's like a combination of every terrible hormonal douchebag asshole thing happening at the same time high school sucks but i and i the other thing i wanted to say is that he's only 15 like he might not have had his growth spurt yet you know like you are so tiny when you're 15 if you started if you like practice playing soccer and keep on playing for the next four years you will get a lot better it's it's also funny because when you said um he's only 15 i thought you were talking about the bully so it'd be funny to be like if this guy gave him a comeback he's like what the fuck are you being a bully for you're only 15 like just start acting like you're 33 dude you're so like you're picking on me you're a fucking 15 year old dude yeah how old are you i'm 15 too i'm just saying we're both 15 it doesn't matter

because we're all 15 compared to adults adults, we're kind of losers. Actually, I'm fucking the English teacher's wife. Really? Jesus. How do you have a mustache already? I'm 33. I'm the coach. Are you?

You should be on the over 21 team then. All right. Do you want to answer one more question before you have to go? I think you found three. I only found two. Oh, yeah. I have a third and final question. Hell, yeah.

All right. This is from a gal. A gal. We'll call her Abraham Gal. Or a gal for short. Okay. A gal. Abraham Gal writes, So I've managed to get myself into a bit of a situation.

I broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago. No problems. It was very mutual mutual and we're still good friends. But when we broke up, the only rule he had was that I wasn't allowed to hook up with my best friend. My best friend and I have always been extremely close and he has always been fairly affectionate to me to the point that it sometimes used to annoy my boyfriend while we were together. But there was never anything between us romantically. So at the time of my breakup, I agreed thinking it would never happen anyway. Problematically, after my breakup, my relationship with my best

friend began to change. We became closer, and our relationship became more sexually charged in a way I had not anticipated. Oh no, but she promised her ex! Since then, we've both fucked a few times, and it's been fine. But we don't want any more than that. We definitely don't want to date each other, and know we're better off just being friends.

So I have two questions. One, how bad of a person am I for sleeping with my best friend when I promised my ex-boyfriend I wouldn't? My best friend and ex are also very good friends, and it would completely fuck up the good friendship I have with my ex. Two, do I have to tell my ex-boyfriend this happened? Not many people know, and I don't think there's any way I will get back to him unless I tell him. I don't want to hurt him, but I didn't mean for this to happen. Anyway, thanks, and sorry for the long email. Love your show. Big fan for years. Todah, Abraham girl. That's really funny. I love the idea of Abraham entering a pact after breaking up with someone who's like, all right, you got to break, we'll break up, but you can't hook up with your old boyfriend. You're like, all right, fine. Done deal. Shit. You don't get to

make rules. You don't even want to do rules in the relationship. Yeah. That shouldn't even be stated if you're still in the relationship, let alone after you break up. And it's so, that happens all the time. Whenever you break up, there's just like a couple of things that the person doesn't want to see you go and do. And of course, everybody agrees to these things, but it doesn't hold any water after the fucking fact. Yeah. I don't even like the, hey, let's stay as friends thing. And that's completely within the two people.

Once you start bringing other people, that guy never made a rule. Right. And you never like get hit up by somebody like a couple months later and they're saying, you said we were going to be friends. Yeah. Like, oh, well, that's just, you said we were going to be friends. Yeah. Like, oh, well, that's just something I said to not hurt your feelings in the moment. I thought we both knew. Yeah. I didn't think we were off to play basketball together on Saturday.

You know, shit that I do with my actual friends. Yeah. Oh, God. So no, you don't owe your ex-boyfriend anything. The one stickiness is the fact that the ex is friends with this guy yeah so he's like it's kind of sad but he's like can you just not fuck my best friend i just i can't i don't think i can live with that i'm down to break up but promise me you won't fuck my best friend and that's i i guess i would say that she probably shouldn't have fucked her ex's best friend that's like a little messy that's a sticky that's a little messy but her ex's best friend. That's like a little messy. That's a sticky.

That's a little messy. But it is her best friend. Yeah, if it's, I guess like the three of you guys were best friends and you're just fucking everybody, that's fine. Yeah. Do you think she has to tell the person? I think that she was allowed to do it. I think it's fine that it happened.

I think it's more fucked up on the guy's behalf. Right. Like if your ex-girlfriend fucked me you'd be more mad at me yeah because you and i have the relationship that you should respect her and i don't have any relationship that needs to be respected it's a love triangle but only two of the nodes are connected yeah it's a love carrot i guess like it's more up to your the guy that your best friend the guy that you've been fucking to tell tell your boyfriend or ex-boyfriend. Or not tell him.

Or not tell. But then it's a secret. I would rather that he knows. Because it's definitely the kind of thing that he might find out. And it seems like the longer a secret's being kept, the more it hurts. Oh, I would say the opposite. If you found out that I had slept with your ex-girlfriend eight years ago, you wouldn't be that mad. I guess I wouldn't be.

No, I wouldn't be like eight years ago is definitely, yeah, that's different. But it would probably eat at me a little bit. Right. But if you found out that you break up with someone today and I hook up with them tomorrow, that would hurt the most. Right. Yeah, yeah. But I think if I broke up with somebody eight years ago and I found out you started hooking up with them the day after, maybe I'd still be mad that you kept that secret for so long. Yeah.

Has that ever happened to you? A friend hooking up with an ex? I don't think so. Tight. Yeah. Maybe it has. Not in like a meaningful way i also have almost never cared about an ex have you ever hooked up with a friend's ex uh

i don't think so good dude maybe i have i don't know baller dude it's never i've never done it in a way that's like come to a head that I can think of yes dude yes dude there's somebody out there that's listening that's like you fucking asshole chick not even me

Broomhilda 8 foot 4 712 stones I still love you alright that's it post Thanksgiving episode in the books

if you have your own questions your own theme song submissions, please send that shit over to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. The opening theme song was written by Jesse Gold. The closing theme song is written by Lucas.

What was your podcast recommendation again? Oh, Twinnovation. John Gabrus from High and Mighty. Gabrus on Twinnovation and mine was me on Barely Friending. So check him out if you've got some more time in your drive and want to listen to more of us. Highly recommend it.

While you're washing the old dishes. Wash that dish, bro. All right, we'll be back either Thursday or Monday. Bye. Ciao. Welcome to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the Internet supposed to bite us on the beard and on the change. Ciao. I don't want to feel obsessed with being cool You gotta do you That was a HeadGum Podcast.