Segments - 249: Snapchat (w/Gil Ozeri!)

Episode Date: December 12, 2016

Friend/comedian/lover Gil Ozeri joins us to discuss cousins, birth control, and his popular Snapchat account. Brought to you by BlueApron, TrunkClub, and the new HeadGum store! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Monday, 12-12, 2012. Sorry, Monday, 12-12, 2012. Sorry, Monday, 12-12, 2016. Nice. 12-12-12 sounded like it would be a bigger deal.

It's only going to be that date one time in history. Isn't that crazy? 12-12-12. Well, it would be, yeah, in 100 years it'll be that. Yeah, but that's it. Well, what about 12 12 at 12 12 12 that's only once ever did anyone care when that happened or am i just wasting my fucking breath 12 12 12 was when the world was supposed to end wasn't it oh that was the mayan calendar thing

i think so uh this episode is brought to you by our very own head gum store did you know head gum had a store uh Yes, dude. Very good. And it's funny you mention that because we finally have Yes, Dude shirts. Shirts, dude. Yes, shirts. Gray, green, blue, red, a different shade of blue. They come in all sorts of styles,

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Bottles and YesDude shirts. That's all we got. Remember when we were here when it was just bottles and YesDude shirts because that's about to change. We're going to be fucking H&M in a year. We're going to be Uniqlo. Merch, merch, merch, merch, merch. Merch, merch, merch, merch, merch. So check it out.

Just in time for the holidays, I think. Oh, iPhone case too. That's store.headgum.com. Very fun episode today. Gil O'Zerry was in the house. Big fan. Big fan. And you guys will be too. Things,. Very fun episode today. Gil O'Zerry was in the house. Big fan. Big fan. And you guys will be too.

Things, of course, got real. Let's get started right away. And I know the two without you. Dot com. Got a big old question. I'm ashamed to ask my mom. Hoping I'll get a good answer from these two guys. I know one's good at breaks and one's good with the ladies. Telling us all to get out of there and seize the cheese.

I've never met them but I know they give good advice. So tell me now how to deal. Tell me now is this how I should feel Hey Jake and I'm here Tell me now What you want to Tell me, tell me

If I were you Hey Jake and I'm here Jake and I'm here Jake and I'm here Rebecca with the Wagon Wheel cover. Thank you. That we specifically asked for. Gil, do you know Wagon Wheel?

The school for children? Yeah, that's right. The school for children. That was a cover of that. That was a cover of a school. Most people choose songs. Rebecca covered a school. No, it's a song called Wagon Wheel

that we talked about in a previous episode, and we asked people to make a parody. Thankfully, Rebecca Watts did. Gracias. So thanks, Rebecca. Gil Ozary in the house. Hi. We don't always have a guest,

and we rarely have a first-time guest this late in the game. You snuck into the first 250. Virgin. This is episode 249. We. You snuck into the first 250. Virgin. This is episode 249. We got you in right in the first 250. That's when things get crazy after 250. That's when they introduce third characters and the cousin. I'm pregnant.

Yeah, weird twists and turns to keep people interested. You're basically the cousin Oliver of If I Were You. Oh, sweet. Perfect. We should say that you're the permanent co-host. A spinoff. I don't even know if you know that yet. I don't. I'm excited.

Yeah. To be here forever. Lock the door. Thanks for coming all the way down to our studio and sharing all this. Oh, thanks for having me. How would our fans know who you are? Who are you? Oh, my God.

How do we know you? We know each other from new york right comedy comedy scene yeah you do comedy in new york yeah you were in a improv team or was it a sketch team with ben for a while we were both uh it's called hot sauce yeah schwarz and adam pally yeah and yeah and you three people and me yes three people three dudes those are three identical morons finally yeah uh it's pretty crazy how that improv group be like those three people are pretty successful for three comedians who did improv 10 years ago right sure yeah way above average um uh yeah i guess so yeah i mean i mean would you consider them successful?

Define success. They both seem to be happy in their lives. I mean, you're married. All three of us are probably happy. I know for a fact, not all three of you are happy. Yeah, that's right. Because I played a nasty prank on Adam Pally this morning. Did you?

No. That would be awesome. Still keep in touch with those guys? Yes, I do. That's awesome. Yeah, it is pretty great. Keeping in touch is pretty cool. That's actually what I'm here to talk to you guys about.

Text your moms. I remember last, it was last year at South By is when we hung out a bunch. Yeah, we did. With Ben and you. That was a lot of fun. For the HeadGum Festival

and that's when you started your Snapchat account was in Austin. I did, yes. Holy shit, that was the beginning. Yeah, that was that. It wasn't even a year ago.

No, it was like seven or eight months. Wow, it feels like forever. Yeah. Can you imagine there was a time in your life before your Snapchat? It feels like forever. Yeah. Can you imagine there was a time in your life before your Snapchat?

It feels like another lifetime. Doesn't it? Pain. Just so much pain between then and now. I don't want to get too into it, but does it,

do you feel like... We should preface, we've talked about this on the show before, but Gil has like the funniest, most insane Snapchat. Oh, thank you.

It's better than DJ Khaled. Wow. Wow. Which is a high mark yeah yeah i hurdle uh gil discovered snapchat or i guess you already already knew about it but you started snapping last april uh doing some crazy things when not a lot of people were watching no like it was basically me jake and 40 people seeing you pour wine down your pants yeah and like 40 people. You're like, wait, why are you jumping in public fountains for us four? That's when it felt the most worth it.

Now, many more people are watching, and would you say you're doing less crazy stuff? I'm a view slut. Yeah, less crazy stuff? I don't think totally less. You shredded your hair last night yeah not totally less but you haven't destroyed anything yeah no i haven't i haven't destroyed not not recently all right my car hopefully soon i want to talk about more after the break but we got cool let's first try at the very least try to answer some people's questions this is if i were you

it's an advice podcast so people will email us at the show and jake and least, try to answer some people's questions. This is If I Were You. It's an advice podcast. Great. So people will email us at the show, and Jake and I will try to do our best. If you were them. If you were them, that's correct. So we're trying to give these people advice. What would we do in their shoes? Sometimes it's just me and Jake.

Sometimes we have very funny friends in the house. Can I ask a question? Sure. Do you guys ever feel guilty about the advice that you give yeah one time you gave some pretty shady std advice yeah but i made good on that i told people that they didn't have to get tested for stds if they didn't show symptoms of it yeah because i was like if you had an std you would know and then somebody from planned parenthood got in touch with me and they said that was very dangerous oh wow so i went back and they said that was very dangerous. Oh, wow. So I went back and I said that they... And I said,

well, maybe you should start a podcast. People will listen to your shit. Hey, sweetheart. And then... Why don't you talk about it on your show? That's right, because you're not funny. What if I want people to die? Then I went to the doctor. I went to the doctor and they were like, because I also, part of me making

good, I said I was going to go get tested for STDs. Oh, that was nice. And I did. And I went to the doctor and they're like, what do you want to get tested for? I was like, everything. They're like, well, what symptoms do you have? I was like, well, you're supposed to be able to test. And then you look in your-

You were proved correct by a doctor. You look at your email and the email was never there at all. It was just your conscience. Yeah. Emailing you like the telltale heart. No, no, everybody get tested, even if you don't have a system, whatever. Yeah, just give blanket overarching safe.

Like, look both ways, don't drive past the speed limit. The condom advice, too. Yeah, always wear a condom, even if you're not sexually active. Even if you're not having sex. You don't know what you can fall into. Yeah, folks. So we have a question right here from, oh, this might be from a lady.

I thought it was from a guy. But it appears to be from a lady. So what we do is we give these people fake names just so we can talk about them, preserving their anonymity. Oh, you actually did this for us once at our live show. I think it was. That's right. Yeah, it was at South By. Yeah, Ben asked you to come up with names.

So for the second time ever, can you come up with a lady's name to call this lady? Desha. So spell that. D-E-S-H-A. Okay, last name? Onitis. You are good at this. Yeah.

Desha Onitisitis that's great we could can we call you every time we record yeah totally just leave us a voicemail of 20 names every week just call into the voicemail and keep leaving all right dasha onitis writes this is my second time this week emailing you with a sticky situation. For Christmas, my best friend's girlfriend asked me if I wanted to cover a song from my best friend as a Christmas gift. Now, I play guitar, but I'm really bad. I'm not even being modest. I suck ass. I'm really slow at changing chords, and I'm not precise at all.

Hell, I'm worse than Jake. I told the girlfriend that I would try out the song to get back to her, but that I couldn't make any promises because I'm not very good. My best friend even warned the girlfriend about this since I've been playing guitar for three years and I haven't played a lick of it in front of my best friend. Fast forward to a few weeks and I've gotten down the first bit of the song, and it's extremely rough. The girlfriend is very musically inclined, so I'm afraid that she'll be really critical of my horrible skills. To add to that, she wants to put it on YouTube. I'm totally uncomfortable with any of this anymore, and I'm afraid I've let it go too far. The girlfriend is really excited and has already

arranged her part, which is a violin, for the cover. I don't have the heart to tell her I'm Help! Love, Desha. Desha. Does any of this stuff ring true to you? Have you ever done a half favor and then found yourself weeks down the line you're like shit I think so I shouldn't have said yes at all

I feel like once you commit you have like a window to quit that's a good that's a nice rhyme too once you commit you've got a window to quit yeah I think it's like a marriage axiom I feel like you have like a small window but once you're down the road it's like a marriage axiom. I feel like you have a small window, but once you're down the road,

It's like changing your flight. You have 24 hours after you purchase it. Afterwards, you're just kind of stuck. What do you guys think? You can always change for a small fee and the difference in fare. I'd like to surrender my favor for $50. You keep whatever you have.

You could go just credit and then find a favor later. Yeah. What was the question? Remember with the time we said we would do somebody's student film sort of haphazardly? Oh, yeah. And then I was like booked solid for a month. Yeah.

It turned out to be a much bigger shoot than you've ever imagined. By the time you like read the script, it was too late. Yeah. Because once you commit... Oh, man. You missed your window to quit. I really did. And then I was in.

Well, what I did was like I tried to not even say yes. I was just like, I'm super busy. I'm sorry. And then he came up to me. He was like, I want you to do it. He just showed me a calendar. He's like, you just show me when you're free. That's manipulative.

And I was like, well, shit. My only excuse, this is where I learned a really valuable lesson, was to never say you're busy. Like never say an excuse that somebody can get out of. Totally. That's like blowing you and going, just say yes or no while I blow you. No, no. Yeah, I feel like also there's the thing of like, whenever I agree to do like a show, I'm always like the day of, I'm like, why?

Yeah. You fucking asshole. And I've noticed the further out it is, the more likely you are to say yes. Yes, yes. So it's like, will you do our show in April? I'm like, yeah, sure. Yeah, you don't even think about it. But if that same show is like, will you do a show this Saturday?

Yeah. I don't know if I could do this Saturday. Yeah, because you're like, I'm going to die someday too, so whatever. But then actually right after the show, you're just like, that wasn't that bad. I'll say yes the next time. I've learned nothing. Yeah. I just hate making plans in general.

But you don't like to commit at all. It's my least favorite thing in the world. What about RSVPing to like, like we're getting birthday party invites, let's say. You're getting the paperless post. Are you RSVPing yes or no, or are you leaving it? I RSVP to everything yes, because I like people to have like a little like,

oh, look, Jake's on top of that. That's what you can always say no, right? You can always say no later. I mean, I guess that's just answering the question. I'm a big RSVP yes, text no, like day. Yeah, I'm a huge. That's the move. I'm a huge say no, and then if it's likely I'll show up,

then it's like pleasantly surprised. Either way, we lie. Lie first, tell the truth second. So what would you say to this person specifically it's too late for her to lie i think so she's a couple weeks down the road she can't she can't pull it out now i it sounds like she's not practicing she's been weeks she's not doing the work it has been weeks and i haven't gotten any better i know she has not been sitting with the guitar the entire time desha sucks ass i think she has a leg to stand on though in like putting it online

and she could say like I would rather you not do that. That's true. You got to find the thing that changed since you agreed to it. So yeah. The rules of the game

have changed. Yeah you've broken the contract therefore it's null and void. Like if you said yes to a show at UCB and then like the day before they're like it's actually

going to be at the pit and you'd be like I can't do that. Yeah, definitely. Oh, are you crazy? I'm a UCB only kind of guy. Oh God, it feels so good

when you want to cancel and somebody else cancels. Yeah, because then it's all the shame on them and all the joy for you. You know what I liked about Desha's question?

That she used the word hell as like a pivot. Like what? Like hell, I didn't even want, like I haven't heard that in a long time.

Oh yeah. Bye God. Yeah, bye God. Wow, just skimming this email, she never used the word like that.

You were gonna say that regardless hoping I wouldn't call you out. That's what you like about yourself. Hell, I love it too. Wait, it's not there?

No, it is. I'm just joking. Oh, okay. I actually haven't found it. But you were right about me. I see a little notebook that you brought that was like, bring up the hell thing. Yeah. You just crossed it off.

Test the waters about the hell thing. And then say like, for the next question, be like, I like the part where she complimented me. All right. So you're saying too late you gotta commit I think so but you got the little out of the YouTube thing yeah

then it's just embarrassing yourself in front of your friend and your girlfriend his girlfriend agreed okay alright next question comes from a guy

so we need a guy's name oh Roy smooth save Roy So we need a guy's name. Oh, Roy. Smooth save. Roy, I saved it at the last minute. I think I saved it, right? Agrego.

Roy Pagrego. Roy Pagrego. God damn, these names are good. Dear guys, for Christmas, my workplace is having a adopt-a-family drive where we buy presents for families that can't afford it. My coworkers are all attempting to gather as much cash as possible in order to buy some pretty expensive gifts that some kids have asked for. Things like an iPod and a $200 doll. My coworkers have asked me... Whoa.

They still make iPods? iPod Touch. My coworkers have asked me to dig into my pockets to donate multiple times now. However, I'm a college student that is trying to save money. I also think it's a little fishy that a kid who's supposed to be poor is asking for such expensive gifts. I know it sounds terrible, but I don't want to give up my hard-earned cash. How do I tell my coworkers this without them hating me? They all know that I just got my paycheck, so I can't say that I don't want to give up my hard-earned cash. How do I tell my coworkers this without them hating me? They all know that I just got my paycheck, so I can't say that I don't have any money.

Does it make me a bad person to not want to donate to this specific charity? I look forward to your reply. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. What do you think? What are your initial reactions? Instant feedback. gut thoughts.

I mean, I feel like he can say, I mean, if he really has an issue, it sounds like it depends on what his issue is. If it's like, I don't want to give my money up, that's one thing. But if he's in a situation where he really can't give money, then I don't think he should be forced to do it right i don't know yeah at what point is the gift of the money that you give better than saying no at all for example saying no is probably get better than giving a dollar no that's not true yeah you're saying you can give a dollar i think a dollar isn't a slap in the face i well i guess a dollar's a slap in the face? Well, I guess a dollar's a slap in the face. So at what point does the dollar

amount become better than saying no? I mean, a dollar... No is a slap in the face, too. No, but no is like you have... You're making some sort of moral stance. He also has the option to say fuck you. Which is like slightly worse. Fuck you, there's no, and there's a dollar.

Those are their three options. Fuck you's a real... Fuck you's a punch in the gut. $1 is a slap in the face. But a $2 bill, that's just interesting. So you're saying $5 is fine? I think he's got to legitimately ask himself how much he can give. It is sort of rude to assume that everyone can give the same amount of money.

But nobody's expecting him to do the full price of the doll. No, yeah, I don't think. He's not going to the American doll store and buying a little Kirsten. A Rebecca. We all know Rebecca's the best one. Is there still a Kirsten? I don't know, actually. I never had American Girl dolls, if you can imagine.

But you have nieces, and you buy them American. You've been to the American Girl doll store more recently than I have and somehow you know rebecca rebecca's the jewish one that's that's the extent of my knowledge you did just say like rebecca's the best one and then say i don't know girl dolls i don't know kirsten i said uh how about just that last question does it make me a bad person to not want to donate to this charity i think it makes you a bad person to not want to donate to any charity now we're opening it up let me think about that let's take a four-hour break to this to this specific charity maybe not i've been in that situation where i'm like looking at a charity and then being like oh this one's for toys for kids but isn't there like sex trafficking yeah i want to donate to that one or if it's like hey this one saves raccoons in asia and you're

like wait why don't we do humans in america why is he so against this one uh specifically i think he thinks that uh poor people shouldn't be asking for such expensive gifts that's ridiculous that's absolutely ridiculous. So you're saying it's okay to not want a gift. Poor people should want, like, what? Like a fucking lettuce for fucking Christmas? Just give me a can of beans, sir. Yeah, that's what they already have in the stereotype.

I think you don't want to get, you do not want to, like, scrooge yourself and get into this situation of, like, okay, poor people can have beans and not iPods. What about the cup and ball? Or the ball on a, a lot of ball on a strings as shitty gifts. I don't know. The paddle ball where you really don't want to lose the ball.

Yeah. That string's expensive too. I don't know. Can you just do just a ball and a paddle? No string? You're poor. This is what you deserve. Don't have any dreams.

Nothing comes back to you. Yeah, it's a single use. So you smack the ball and it's just forever gone. So what's the advice here? Just give a little? Yeah, give what you can. Give a little bit. I don't think that anybody in this company is going to be like,

hey, you only gave five bucks. We all know what your paycheck is. Yeah. Give a little bit. I don't think that anybody in this company is going to be like, hey, you only gave five bucks. We all know what your paycheck is. Yeah. You should give a little more. Because they don't know what you do with your money. And are you really making a fucking huge stink about this? Yeah. It's just a charity.

Just help out and be quiet. with my money in any way. I think about just occasionally spending $30 on a porn subscription or something or $200 on a bar tab when I'm trashed. I should just not buy nine vodka Red Bulls when I go out. And then you could do this. Yeah. Or you should get hammered at home and just open up a giving website.

What is that called? The charity advisor? Let me figure it out. I could straight up buy an American Girl doll store if I just streamed free porn from now on. If I could trade in my cum for You would have saved like

four families. Starving families in Africa if they could eat my seed. I'm so sorry. I'm just nodding. Charity Navigator is the website that tells you specifically which charities are, I guess, better than others? And they sponsor this show.

Yeah, they should. We would take money from them. And the answer is always your foundation, isn't it? Weird. Yeah, spelled Navigator slightly incorrectly so that I got all the money. No, it's charitynavigator.org. Alright. Let's answer one more question before the break. Yeah.

I want to get to a sexy one. We usually get a lot of sexy ones, but those are two non-sexy ones. Here's a sexy one. This one's called Friends Cousin. Okay. Sounds like each person had sex with their friend's cousin.

It's a 16 year old's name a 16 year old male's name Joyce Joyce Pepsi Joyce Pepsi or is it Joyce Joyce Pepsi Joyce Joyce Pepsi it's like duck duck duck goose

at the Pepsi headquarters Joyce Joyce Pepsi Joyce Duck, duck goose at the Pepsi headquarters. Joyce. Joyce. Joyce. Pepsi. Joyce. All right. I'm 16 and a junior in high school and I have a bit of a problem.

I'm in love with my best friend's cousin. She's a complete dime and a total smoke show and just a great person to be around. She's 17 and a senior and doesn't go to my school, so I don't see her often, but when I do, it's always a great time. I really want to... Is this Sinatra writing this? Hell, we really have a kickback. I really want to ask her out, but there are a couple of problems. First, I don't think she even knows that I like her,

let alone that I'm in love with her, so I have no idea what she would say if I asked her. Second, I don't know how my best friend would react to this. He said jokingly in the past things like, bro, if you dated my cousin, we'd be related. He was high when he said it, so I'm not sure if he meant it. So my question is, should I try to get over her because it's just too complicated? Should I talk to my friend first to see if he's okay with it? Or should I just seize the cheese and ask her out?

Any advice would really help. Also, since she's a senior in high school, she's going to be going to college next year, and I'll have to wait another year. So would it even be worth it to ask her out at this point when she could be leaving in six months to college? It went from Sinatra to Woody Allen. I mean, how could you say that? Thanks so much for your help. Love, Joyce Pepsi.

Joyce, Joyce Pepsi. Joyce, Joyce Pepsi. Thoughts? I guess he's probably, he's worried that he shouldn't ask out the cousin. Yeah. Because his friend might get mad. Well, two reasons. One, she doesn't know that he likes her,

which is not a real reason not to ask someone out. Yeah, that was the first question. It was just silly. That's the reason to ask someone out. Yeah, exactly. You find out. Should I ask her out? I'm afraid she doesn't know that I like her.

Without her knowing that, the question sort of feels like it's coming out of left field. Yeah. And two, would you date your friend's cousin or is that too complicated of a sticky situation? Of course not. Friend's cousin. Friend's cousin? It's not like it's, you know, a sibling or something.

I mean, even then it's like fine. It feels like just ask, I guess, the friend and say, hey, listen, I'm going to do this. Well, maybe don't even ask permission. Definitely not. Yeah. Just say, hey, I, I'm going to do this. Maybe don't even ask permission. Definitely not. Yeah. Just say, hey, I'm interested. You better not hurt my fucking cousin. Gilar, you're married.

Yes. Is she happening to be your best friend's cousin? Well, the cousin is my friend. You're married to your cousin. You eliminated the middle man. I wonder if you can go back and then now become friends with your wife's cousins. That way you can sort of relate to this guy. Family sort of re-zoned the guys.

Yeah. Would you date a friend's cousin? I think so. It doesn't feel that, I mean, like, it doesn't feel that crazy. You realize that cousins could be male. So what you just admitted to was that you were willing to be gay. Hey, why not? I mean, I don't, yeah, i don't see an issue unless it's like

yeah just say hey i'm gonna do this if he has or she uh has an issue they'll say hey look i have an issue with it and then you say and then you say why yeah you say fuck you again yeah what about uh cousin man what about sister friend sister still okay a little weirder um it would i mean it would depend it would depend on the situation how like if how long do i know this person for twins twins siamese best friends twin male twin in a wig occasionally kissing the friend this sounds like it did the guy when he was high he said he had an issue is that what it was he was high he said this is so unrelated to this thing i think yeah when he was high the guy said if if you dated my cousin we'd be related which is untrue right yeah that's

not how dating works very complicated because i fucked my own cousin uh and then i like the the mental out that he's giving himself like you know she's going to college anyway in six months it's not gonna work yeah maybe i shouldn't do it six months is a real long time to date somebody that sounds like an excuse that sounds like an excuse so what we can say because it's easy to be us is just go for it just go for it even though it's scary would you ask the cousin for permission first i wouldn't ask the cousin not permission i would i would bring it up and like not even in a way of like i'm gonna ask her out i'd be like man i have like a huge crush on your cousin is a more sly way and then he and then he's like oh i can help set that up i think she

likes you too oh that's that is the dream obviously of course says she likes you too yeah but what if she did what if he's like i wouldn't do that then do you still go for it well i guess you could maybe glean some information yeah so that's the not asking for permission part yeah i feel like asking for permit it's like why what it why does another person get to decide whether especially with cousins man are you so close to any of your cousins that you would like care about who they dated uh no not care but it would be i guess kind of interesting it would be it wouldn't not it would not register on me your cousin yeah it would i would be like huh that's interesting like i would understand as a human being if it affected someone

else's life and i would be like look i get whatever, but you sort of weigh like what you want versus those things. I don't know. Honestly, if it was just time, does this guy spend with his cousin? It'd be real weird if you dated my cousins really run a gamut. You can have cousins that are like one out of a hundred or like cousins that are like borderline cousins that have never met. Yeah. Yeah. Just like Frenching cousins. It's cousins just like you just fucking kiss them and that's all you have a sister right i do yeah yeah uh would you be down or okay or has any of your friends ever made out with your sister people yeah not made out possibly uh definitely uh i yeah i don't know um but uh yes people i know who i've been friends with before they dated my sister have dated my sister. Oh, and did they tell you?

But not – I mean I found out. I don't remember exactly the timeline. But no one has ever gone like – Can I have your sister's – Can I do this? I feel like that's almost like – it almost makes the woman feel like, what? You need permission? It's like she's an object that she's there to be like you know bargained over well if you do this with her no i am the gatekeeper to my sister

exactly all roads to my sister pass through me yeah also funny the question is inherently misogynist if you're 13 years younger than your sister you ask the little boy next to her may i have your sister's hand pay the gotta pay the older brother tax, man. I'm gonna give you a knuckle sandwich, brother. I think it is weird. Anytime it's happened with my sisters, I usually find out after. Like, someone will be like,

oh, I, like, asked. Yeah, like, I'm dating your sister. Yeah. And then I have to sort of be like, oh, all right. Good to know. Yeah. GTK, brother. All right, oh, all right. Good to know. GTK, brother.

All right, cool. Let's take the break now. We'll thank a few sponsors while we're away. And we'll be right back with more Gil after this. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that,

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It's gum.fm slash s-e-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody,

but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday?

Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting.

Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's kind of like having a new personality. It's funny, I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz, with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah.

So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace and we're back how many people watch your snapchat oh come on what you have to reveal that here is it a private is it a secret um you don't have to say if you're not comfortable. No, I'm fine. Wait, let me take a sip of my drinks when you say it. There was a time around... Oh, my God. He actually did a spit take on his computer.

There was around like 50,000 views per snap when Snapchat updated their sort of program. They updated so it doesn't roll into the next snap oh my views went down did you notice that you know my views did go down and that happened but i didn't realize the correlation yes yeah rolling into the next snap yeah which i guess is better you know more who's actually clicking on your name to watch the right the numbers are more honest but lower yes interesting that's pretty crazy now it's like a bat down to four people again your name on snapchat is dj kalita so you

were just getting spill off uh that's crazy 50 000. From just literally zero. Yes, from zero. 50 grand is like... Were you like one of the first people that just like, almost like a kid that started on Vine and like, you're like one of the first people that started on Snapchat, right? I don't know. I don't know how long it was. Were you guys on it for a while before April? I think it was around for like a good while. Snapchat used to be more of a messenger thing.

I don't know when stories... Like sex pics for kids. Right. And then the stories thing was just like... I was on it when it was sex pics for kids. Oh, yeah. You were the pioneer. I was the one collecting all the kids.

All right, children, let's do it. Yeah, the idea of using it as content creation didn't come until later, I think, where it's like, oh, they're telling us how many people are watching. I can do something with that right i guess most people use it to you know whatever to do sort of like whatever you know just snapping what's around them and what they're doing sort of right do you uh do you and i do that less and less i guess do you ever chat or use that functionality or is it i do

yeah i mean people will send me videos and oh it's open you're open i'm totally open what's your snapchat name we should say it's gil ozeri that's g-i-l-o-z-e-r-i oh perfect uh do you are you like kind of i don't want to say ashamed because that's like putting too much like pressure on it but like are you like scared of like oh i'm not just a snapchat guy or like you're totally embracing the snap yeah i don't care i mean it's it i mean like i i because you've been doing comedy i've made fun of people who are on vine so like i i can take it also i i get that it's snapchat i get what it is but also i'm like the only thing that's sort of defining about it is that it's like quick stuff. But I feel like I could release all these things on any platform.

And it would still be the same sort of content. I mean, some of my stuff is like 10 seconds, but other stuff is like 10 snaps. You know, the bit is 10 snaps. And it's like a minute and a half. Yeah, the death ofman stuff yeah oh thanks man i thought you were actually going to die or hurt yourself with the death one where you try there's one where oh the business one where i jumped off the uh thing yeah um you you had to you had to get over on the traffic side of a highway overpass. Yes, sure.

That was like a dangerous little thing. That was a dangerous one. Yeah. Also, just because we're talking about all these snaps, we should also say that they're on Instagram at gillazerisnaps, right? That's correct. So you can watch the backlog. Yeah, so everything that we're talking about, people can still go watch. Yes, they're all uploaded there on my Instagram account. But yeah, I mean, I would love, because it's so stupid, it's on Snapchat,

I relish in sort of making people think that I'm doing something really dangerous or stupid or whatever. I sort of feed off people going, oh my God, I'm worrying about you. Which, you know, rightfully so, but I still like... We really thought you were going to...

In the beginning when you were running across the traffic intersection... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sweeping up a pine cone or something? Yes. Is that one of the earliest ones? Yeah, that was. That was real early. Yeah.

Or like riding a wheeled office chair through traffic. That's right. Yeah. That's right. Also, didn't you duct tape yourself to the side of a car recently? I did that recently. I did my own homemade sidecar. Have you ever gotten in trouble with the law in any way?

A couple times, yes. One that was a failed snap where I was at, you know that Target on La Brea and Santa Monica? I frequent there a lot because I need, like, you know, I do a lot of props, like, stuff. And so I have to get, like, I'm always at Target. And it sucks. That's one of the problems, like, with my Snapchat is that I'm at fucking Target or the 99 cent store or Ralph's, like, four days a week. Anyway, so I'm at Target and I, you know, those, like, the gate, you know, arm bar thing?

Yeah. The bar? Yeah. So I was sitting there in the car with my sister. I was like, oh, let me ride that thing. I was like, you film it. I'm going to go ride it. As in, like, side saddle it?

Yeah, like, get on it. Like, hold on to it. You know, in my full body. Closer to the tip or closer to the base? Right in the middle. Like, full body. You pay for the thing, and I will rise with it. Hopefully it can carry your weight.

Yeah, hopefully it can carry my weight. Little, I was so stupid. I was just like, she's like, oh, okay. I didn't see anyone around. I, like, as soon as I get on the thing, it just collapses to the floor. Me holding on to it, full body, the whole arm just falls off immediately. It was like made of fucking tissue paper. And like

four security guards run out. I didn't even see the offices. They were right there, the office. Guns drawn. Yeah, guns drawn. Like shooting first. And I was just like, and they were like, what the fuck are you doing? And I was like, I just tried to get to the other side. He's like, what the fuck are you doing? And I was like, I just tried to get to the other side.

He's like, I saw you, you shit. Like, I saw you get on and try to ride it. I was just like, no, no, no. And we, like, argued, and then they held me there for, like, I don't know, half an hour or whatever. And then finally decided to let me go. It's funny because he probably deals with dumb teenagers doing that. All the time. And you're just, like, a well-dressed 34 year old comedy writer wedding ring wedding ring he was like you're married

you fucking should be ashamed of yourself and you are yeah i am i'm so disgusting i remember there was one early on that i guess ben shot where you were going it was the beginning of the day it was like 9 a.m you're on the way to write with him and you saw a puddle and you tried to circumnavigate the puddle but as a joke you just fell in face planted into the puddle soaking yourself perfect thing that i do yeah i do extremely simple things but really incredibly wrong perfect and i was like thank you was this part of the plan and And Ben was telling me that, no, when you come up with the ideas, it's almost like you're a slave to your own mind.

You can't not do it. Yes, now I have that issue. You're like, fuck, now I have to get wet. I have to, yes. Even though, what did you do after that? You were soaking wet at 9 a.m. I was just soaking wet. So what do you do? You have to go home?

Ben gave me shitty clothes that he like never wanted back because you've jumped in another puddle yeah yeah you put yourself in situations that inconveniences yourself so much i did have an obsessive like need to i because i i mean you may have heard this before i'm from like we may have talked about it before but i had like a problem putting things out like i like creative shit like i was like i have talked about it before but i had like a problem putting things out like i like creative shit like i was like i have to get it perfect i was like a perfectionist sort of perfect yeah perfect and then uh when snapchat came i was just like oh i can just shit stuff out and like put do whatever is funny and then it's sort of it's turned into it did turn into for a while

a thing where i was just like oh fuck i have to keep this going i can't stop because well if i don't then i'll if i stop for one day you know i'll i'll stop forever and then also like i'm i this is what i wanted to do i wanted to feel like free to put stuff out right and now i'm doing it and now i i didn't want that to stop right and so for like seven i think last month i i did one every single day it took me a while to just decide to do one a day right and then it took me a while to say okay i can skip one day here and there right you were doing weekends yeah it was doing i was doing i had done every single day for like seven months straight and it was like some of them took like three or four hours to do do you have a day job when you're doing this i did i had i worked i wrote on like

that show it's coming out big mouth on netflix yeah uh carola milani's thing and then i just was on another period and i was i would so i would work the full day just come drained be drained come home at like six seven o'clock and then snap for three hours and then just fucking pour water all over your kitchen exactly pour salt in your bed bless my wife she was like filming all of them and she was there ever anything that she was you know she's holding the phone she's like you know what no you can't do this yes yeah so there are snaps that like but i will i like i will if i really want to do something i'll try i'll push it or like whatever are you like i'm really sorry but i thought of one where I put pepper all over it. Yes, I'm sorry, but I have to like throw a pickle jar in our kitchen and like –

It's a real glass. As long as you clean it up. She's just like, I'm not – just, yeah, she goes into the bedroom, locks the door, and she won't come out until everything's clean. Do you like come into the bedroom after like, hey, it all worked out? I'm like, yeah. And then I'm like, I did a a perfect job and then it's just like there's glass everywhere my cat has like is bleeding his paws are like bleeding and i'm like i did it it's like homer building a birdhouse it's just terrible um what's the what's like uh

just one example of a something that was to date like you almost did it but then ultimately decided that you couldn't do it do you have any regrets or any any ones that you wish your wife was willing to film oh my god um i don't know if i i don't know if i like that my wife was just like no i can't do this or what about the one there's been a bunch of why nots where that that one that's here that's why i sort of was like all right i'll stop oh you stopped why not I think well I haven't done one for a long time

I only did two days of it the first why not we should say for those of you not familiar is Gil just slowly shoving a full mug of coffee

off a table it's beautiful and it shatters that was like cinematic just like you really and that's like what I loved about watching those too

like it was so guttural but it lands on the floor it shatters and there's just coffee and ceramic all over your kitchen floor. But those ones I've done full days of, like, all right, this is a day where I'm just doing why not stuff. Inconveniencing yourself. Yes. Which one was the biggest inconvenience? Like, for an eight-second video, what did you do the most damage? Just for some context for everybody listening, I remember one where you poured vinegar on all of your shoes.

Crisco, yeah. Crisco on all your shoes. You poured milk out in the trunk of your car. Yes. You drove your car and hit something. I crashed my car a couple of times. Once into a tree and then at the arc light. Are you leasing or owning?

You own your car or lease? That's why I keep that car. I have like a shit car that I bought when I first got to la yeah like an old ford mustang it's like 15 years old and i cannot get rid of because i use it to like as a prop yeah as a prop it's basically a prop in my snapchat um all right yeah so what was the most what was Why not? Well, I did the, oh, God. I poured, like, water, yeah, the shower onto, like, my bath, like, overflowing the toilet.

Like, it was all over my living room. Yeah, overflowing the toilet. That's crazy. Yeah. Doing stuff like that. The other, a few weeks ago, I did, like, I put a garden in my bathroom, and it took forever to clean. Forever.

Just like there was pounds of soil in my bathroom. I'm like, why? Why? There's some that take so much longer to clean. Another one was perfect cookies. I baked cookies, and there is still dough in my tiles. How many glasses have you broke? You always shove things in your glasses.

Yeah, one or two. One or two. You shove dough into your glasses and look like they break every time. Yes, they broke. They broke. I just remembered another one where I got in trouble, which was I did this one called nap where I slept in the middle of the highway. I took like a nap in between the thing. And like, as I'm sleeping there, and Emily's like above the highway, like taping me,

an off-duty cop pulls over. And he's like, what the fuck are you doing here? Because I was in a full tuxedo. He thought it was like some maniac. And I'm like, I'm just shooting something. He's like, get the fuck off the highway or I'm going to fucking arrest you. And so I had to like go excuse me hey i'm out of here did we get it it was just like did we get it yeah and it's hard because she has to get it within snap you

can't upload videos yeah that's right you can't just shoot and then hope for the best yeah so what's next what's the goal with a snap specific skill set the cameraman she is amazing at it like well i have sometimes i'll have a few other friends my friend jason berger does helps me um to give emily a break and my sister helps me um but there's like you know certain things that you have to shoot in a certain amount of time and the music is like a big part of my thing all right how do you line up music you're just like playing from spotify yeah you have to like sometimes you have to do it at a certain time and like you you have to uh sometimes you have to use two phones and stuff wow yeah um it's annoying so what's what's the next step or like ultimate long-term goal like is it just keep going until you're getting millions of views and figuring out is money an issue and part of it at

all yeah i mean like it's it's it's expensive it's expensive to do um i'm so my plan is hopefully to you know i'm developing into a show now a sketch show so oh wow i'm hoping you know great yeah and turn it into something bigger almost like jackass but not jack sort of yeah like a surreal version right yeah where you're hurting yourself yeah it's more like a um you know jackass all dave england yeah i guess jackass hurts themselves they do but i mean my goal is not to sort of like push the limits of my body it's more to just like try to do something funny or surreal or how do you do that surrealist jackass is a great uh way to describe the snapchat yeah uh have you ever done like branded stuff if people like would you put a Coke in a door-to-door door salesman?

I haven't. Weirdly, I have a ton of like products in there. I just like to do like shittier versions of product and stuff. Free product placement you've done. I mean, I've done stuff for Snapchat. That door-to-door door salesman was originally for Snapchat. Oh, that's cool. But yeah.

Sweet. And you're all in you'd like do you prefer this to like tv writing or is it just a different muscle it's a different muscle i like them both but this i mean i'm like this is me being fully creative and i get to like i get to you know choose do all different types of like you know i'm choosing music i'm doing art stuff like all the stuff I Photoshop and like, right. And so I get Photoshop.

Yeah. I Photoshop all the labels and all the labels. Yeah. And so, yeah, I get, I feel like I get to do a bunch of different, you know,

things. And this is like, this is a hundred percent. You is a hundred percent. Me, me being a weirdo. Yeah. Well,

I'm glad, uh, we all get to see it. Yeah. Uh, Gilo's area on snapchat thank you guys no doubt uh do you have time to answer one more real question of course from a real person yes uh this is a a male 26 year old so we need one last fake name. Yidio Stache. Full name? Yidio Stache, yeah.

Stache is the last name. Of course. Yidio Stache. Stache. Have myself a problem with the GF. Some quick background on us. We were both virgins prior to knowing each other and have had no STDs. She is 20. I am 26.

Now let's rewind the clocks a year ago when the GF and I started dating and became sexually active. It was about two months in, and she was extremely horny, and from that point forward, she was almost always horny until she finally went on the pill. It was about two months after that that I noticed that her sexual appetite diminished to next to nothing. Her and I have had small conversations about why this could happen

and this is what I thought had been the case. The pill had lowered her sex drive to nearly nothing or I'm not that attractive to her anymore. It's gotta be number two. Or, according to her, sex seems to hurt and is causing her burn and hurt.

And I had thought this to be vaginitis or a yeast infection by pain being incorporated into sex. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy with sex becomes pain. And yes, even lube eventually leads to it, although prolonged. Okay. Now, we've reached a point where I'm sexually frustrated. And in turn, I've become upset. I've become upset, making her upset. She always apologizes that she's never horny, but sorry doesn't fix the problem.

I insisted she goes to the gynecologist to see if prescribing a different brand of birth control could change her sexual drive. Am I being a jerk for insisting for her to see a doctor? I try to be empathetic with her, but even I have limits where she will have sex with me maybe once every two months. And ultimately, what do you two experienced guys think what her and I should do?

Am I the problem? Does she have a problem? Or is it this tiny pill that's the problem? Horatio stage? Virgilio stage uh horatio stage virgilio stage yidio yidio stage uh what do you think uh he sounds he sounds like a bit of an asshole because he's mad at her i think anytime you insist your girls do something to her body you're being an asshole she has to want to do it uh well, he's looking at it the wrong way. She probably wants to have an enjoyable sexual experience as well.

Right. So he has to stop thinking of how much it sucks for him and how he can help her. But she seems to be fine with it or complacent. She's apologizing. She's feeling bad. I'm sure that they both want the same thing. But he's turning it into this thing like, I'm being deprived of sex because of something you did right well i mean like i can sympathize

with him for like wanting sex or like whatever but like it feels like you're right he's like sort of looking at it as like this is a pro who's to blame here is it my girlfriend or what is i needed someone to blame or the pill she's taking yeah just like i get it like just sort of like i'm sure she wants to like no one wants to make you feel bad or also not have sex like but she also doesn't want to go to the gynecologist does he say she doesn't want to go yeah he said i insisted that she goes to see the gynecologist to change her sexual drive am i being a jerk for insisting that she should do do did she say no but she didn't say she didn't want to go uh oh interesting i guess i read it as she didn't want to um but maybe she did anyway no did she say like she doesn't want to have sex because

she associates it with pain uh yeah i think he said that was one of her theory his theories that sex seems to hurt at her causing her burn and hurt. See, just the fact that you called it theories makes me think that they're not communicating as much as they should. Like, he should know exactly what she thinks and why she doesn't want to have sex. Oh, and then once you have that... You shouldn't be developing theories. You should be talking to her and finding things out.

You should be like, hey, this is what she says. This is why she doesn't want to do it. This is how she feels. As opposed to also assuming, like am i like not attractive to her that's all like you can't like a like start to like take it inwards and stuff like that feels stupid it seems like the idea of a diminishing sex drive does happen over time but this is from from the pill definitely yeah i mean i don't think just a diminishing sex drive from they they're both so young, and like also once every two months, that's, even for people that are like, have been together

a long time, that's a lot. The pill does affect sex drive, though. But you, I mean, and you could definitely switch it, but you should, they should talk to each other, it feels like. Yeah, if she switches it, it should be because they've, well, actually, she's decided to switch it based on like, what they've just well actually she's decided yes i'm like what they've talked about for their relationship or whatever not because he's insisted that she goes to the gynecologist yeah i also wouldn't get insecure she'll let you know if she's not

attracted to you anymore yes exactly like breaking up if she read this email she might but the fact that she's still 20 makes me feel like it's more than just like, oh, after a few years, her sex drive has just diminished. This is just, it's two months into, like two months ago she was very horny and now two months later she's not. Well, it could be the pill. It just feels like it's sort of conjecture until she actually says this is what's happening. Right. He never says this is exactly why she feels this way, right? No, I guess not she said

there it was painful right yeah that's like a possible reason why you wouldn't want to have sex why would it become painful oh because of according to him vaginitis or a yeast infection could be the shape of his dick oh i guess i didn't think about that he does have a jagged little penis yeah he has a knife very rare yeah very rare uh so sharp so sharp and thorny a rosy knife cock that's his problem yeah he's an alien all right so talk to your girlfriend figure out exactly why she doesn't want to sleep with you and then address the issue from there. Yeah. And also remember to talk to her from a place of, I want you to be happy and feel sexy. Instead of finding someone to blame.

Like, well, why aren't you fucking me? I'm upset now. Yeah, that's good. Am I not hot enough for you? Do I have the right to yell at her now? Can I raise my voice towards her? I've scolded the woman I love. What if I get her far away from me

so I have to scream so that she hears me? That way I still get to raise my voice. I don't think you understand. I haven't come in months. I'm backed up. I'm backed up. I'm full of razor blades.

I can't even jerk off because of my thorny little dick. I have a jagged dick and I want to scream. What do I do? That is the title. All right, cool. One last question I wanted to ask you. Did you shoot, do you have a, by your Snapchat, do you have a long list of ideas?

I do, yeah. I mean. So you like know what you're going to shoot next? Sometimes I'll do stuff like i'll see stuff in the moment but yeah i'll definitely have a list of like not just because i'm like sitting down and going whatever but like oh we're like oh that would be funny that would be funny let's and i just add it to a nice big list is there anything on the list that you are dreading knowing that you're going to do it there's a lot of things that i'm like i just can't do that right

wow i just can't either monetarily or just like i cannot bring myself to do it like on an airplane shit yeah exactly i do not shit on an airplane all the there are things yeah there are just a list on the list and i'm just like no and i've said no every day to public you don't want to put a lot of that it's because of it's in public like none of my snaps are pranks on anybody else yeah i don't i don't want to do like i don't even want people to react when i'm there right in fact one of my favorite ones is when you got an entire restaurant to laugh at you uh which one was that you got a restaurant to point and laugh to boo me i'd rather not people not react if i'm doing something weird i sort of want to be treated like peewee herman we're like they're oh that's just a you know that's just him he's just weird right

like i like it's not interesting to me to prank people but i like but yeah there's a lot of stuff that i have would have to do in public and either ask permission or just like just deal with i don't know yeah and i'm just like I can't. I can't do it yet. I think why you can get away with it is because you are so funny and smart in real life that like I can be as dumb as I want and you don't feel insecure about coming off as dumb. No.

Because you are very confident. The dumber the better, baby. Right, exactly. But if you're actually dumb, I feel like you're – I mean they're also like 10 seconds like you know i don't know it feels like part of it is just like be like the point is to be so sort of silly and yeah you know do your in-laws or parents watch it oh yeah my mom loves them oh they love she loves my dad less so um he just just like he doesn't know how to use snapchat either he's just like when i'll post something on facebook or whatever israeli dad yeah my israeli dad your mom watches them on snapchat my mom watches them on snap and on

instagram too it's so funny to imagine like a mom she like she probably only has one snapchat that she looks at yeah her whole story feed is just it's just one it's just mine yeah yeah it's awesome all right last one last time your snapchat name is gilary. Gil Ozary, yes. And then on Twitter, if you missed the old one, that's Gil Ozary Snap. That's correct. And on Instagram. Tight. Is there anything else you want to plug before you have to go?

No, that's it. Perfect. Thanks for coming on the show, dude. Thank you. This was so fun. Yes, I love you guys. Let's have you back before episode 498. Yes, that's right.

I'm living here now, so I might as well. Episode 498. Oh, you're living in the studio. Yeah, perfect. All right, the opening theme song was written by Rebecca. And this closing one, another Wagon Wheel parody written by Grace. Hell yeah. Rebecca the American Doll.

That's right. Yeah, the Jewish American Doll. Buy your Hanukkiah today before Hanukkah. It's going to get sold out. The closing one is by Grace. Thanks for listening. If you have your own theme songs or your own questions, the email address for everything is ifireyoushow at gmail.com.

Thanks again, Gil, for coming. Thank you. No doubt. We'll be back next week. Later. Later. Later! No matter what, you'll be so happy you asked Email them in, their advice is ideal Don't you worry, things will get real

Hey, why were you? Email them in, they'll tell you to break up Or ask about your Tinder hookup. Hey, why were you?