Segments - 250: Going Down (w/Jon Gabrus!)

Episode Date: December 19, 2016

Friend, Comedian, and Uncle Jon Gabrus joins us to discuss stress shitting, book returning, and oral sexing. This episode is brought to you by MeUndies, and Seeso! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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They got hoodies. They got joggers. They got lounge pants. A great gift for yourself and for your loved one this holiday season. So check them out. MeUndies.com slash Amir or MeUndies.com slash Jake. Uncle Gabrus in the house for this episode. Great episode. Let's get right into it. I'm excited. I want to listen to it now. Uncle Gabrus in the house for Love, John.

Great episode. Let's get right into it. I'm excited. I want to listen to it now. Bye. Things got real. If I were you I'd break it off I'd think it through

I'd take a walk Shit, tell the truth If I were you, here's what I'd do. I'd draw some lines. I'd cross them too. I'd kick them out and break some rules. If I were you, here's what I do If I were you Here's what I do

Acapella. Beautiful. That was haunting. Or is it acapella? Am I allowed to talk yet? Have at it, dude. Gayrus in the house. Thanks for having me.

That's cool that the Mumford and Sons Do your introduction music Footstop and hand clap and tambourine I feel like that was recorded in a barn After a wedding full of people With mustaches and suspenders Vests? T-Low

Vests That was good though Yeah that was really good His name is Taylor Dukes Part of a trio called 3B They love our show So they came up with a little ditty. So thanks to the at 3B trio, which is what they are on Instagram.

Yeah, next time I'm adding that twangy banjo that I know you guys got in the band. Was it acapella if they don't do the instrument? Or is it acapella only if some guy's like... I think it's acapella. It just means without any accompaniment. So a barbershop quartet is acapella too. Yes. Sick. Do you guys like acapella just means without any accompaniment. So a barbershop quartet is acapella too. Yes. Sick.

Do you guys like acapella music? Yeah. Pentatonix or whatever. Those are my guys. Although I will say I'm never, I'm not really a fan of acapella music, but every once in a while you see some like acapella cover of something and you're like, okay, yeah, that was pretty fucking cool. I remember like, you have to remember that like when you see those covers, you only like it once or twice. Right.

Like I remember I downloaded like 12 Ben Folds acapella songs on my phone and I never ever listened to any of them again. Right. But they are all dope. Acapella covers are also usually of good songs. Yeah. And so you're like, this is great. They're cheating.

Yeah. One recent that I saw that was really good was Dolly Parton, Miley Cyrus, and Pentatonix doing Jolene a cappella on The Voice. Oh, that's cloud. And it was really good. Why is a cappella such a college thing? Like, I feel like college crews love a cappella, but then there's no, like, post-college a cappella groups. I feel like it's up there with improv. You know what I mean?

It's like maybe it's something you did for fun in college, after college you have to really start dedicating your but there is a lot of good improv teams like at ucb there's a lot of great acapella groups at ucb they do improv acapella my problem with acapella is that the black guy always has to rap i feel like every time i watch acapella thing they're like and they- It's either the black guy or the really, the tiny little blonde girl or something. Yeah. Just to like flip it all upside down. Against type. And the black guy's doing the acoustic guitar with his mouth.

That's 3B Trio once again. Thanks, guys. All right. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by Gabrus. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. This is our episode 250. Wow.

Big deal. Holy shit. Goal weight. For me too. This is our goal podcast. Let's meet in the middle at 250. I would love to see Jake at 250. Oh, man.

Streeter and I once joked about, we were just talking about Streeter, but we joked about racing to our average. So when he was like 250 and i was like 150 or like let's race the 200 oh what a fucking cinch that i mean maybe it's difficult for you to put on 50 right is it easier i think it would be easier to lose 50 than for me to gain 50 i don't know well depends on what you wanted to get like if you just wanted to gain 50 pounds of anything you could probably win i would like nothing more than for you to say gabrus i want you to help me gain 50 pounds wow what would you do what you would i don't think that far ahead yeah you would

squat every other day oh you think it would be muscle you would be like just fucking it would be both it would be pasta and working out yeah it would be uh not even pasta we would just be fucking microwaving ice cream and drinking it that's like the big one that uh like when sylvester stallone put on all the weight for cop land uh that's what people do is like you just put ice ice cream in the microwave and you can drink it like it's a glass of milk and it's like 10 000 calories jesus that sounds awesome i i since i hurt my ankle i haven't exercised but i feel like i haven't gained weight i've just gotten weaker like if anything I'm like atrophying losing muscle

it's possible yeah it's pretty sad we'll get that muscle back on especially once I'm drinking fucking ice cream I think that's what

I'm doing right now you practically are so as you know you've done this show before what episode is this your fourth third time on the show I think this is my third time

and we've recorded in a different location every single time the first time was that house you guys were renting with the little thing in the back that Rosie was living in. Yeah, that was a nice day. And then the other one was the old HeadGum Studios. Oh, yes. At Commonwealth.

Yeah, and now we're here. And now we're here. Started from the top, now we're here. Started from the middle, and now we're slightly above average. Upper middle. Upper middle class studio. But I'm a huge fan. I listen to every episode. Jesus.

Just not of this podcast. Oh yeah, no, no. I'm a big Jake and Amir fan, but podcast? No bueno. Take it or leave it. We should say that Gabritz has his own podcast, High and Mighty, on this here network, HeadGum. Yes, I do. Jake and I recently did episodes of your show.

I did porn a lot of fun talking about porn and i did 90s sitcoms which you know by the way you can pretty much those are just like crystallized versions of your personalities you're like i did porn because i'm a pervert and i did 90 sitcoms because i'm the cable guy the basic cable guy. The network guy. Basic bitches. But this here is an advice podcast. We have real emails from real people. We're going to answer them or do our best to answer them.

You're good at these, Gabrus. I feel like you have a soft spot for advice. I do enjoy helping younger people. You also enjoy speaking from an area of expertise, whether it's founded or not. You're like, this is what you should do. Trust me. Yeah, yeah. I like, oh yeah, I think I'm very smart.

Yeah. That's the show. Yeah. All right. So we're going to start with a guy, a guy who's a 19-year-old sophomore in college. What should we call this guy? You can give him a fake name. Oh, uh...

Sa... Sa, dude. Oh, my God, he's not. No more information? I thought we... Oh, you want to listen to this question and then name him? Yeah, like, you know,

homeless in Cleveland. Oh, that'd be cool. All right, let's do that. Hey, guys, love the podcast. I just thought I'd submit a question to my own for a change. It's going to be homeless in Cleveland, regardless of how you finish. I'm a 19-year-old, homeless in Cleveland. Oh, that'd be cool. All right, let's do that. Hey guys, love the podcast. Thought I'd submit a question to my own for a change. It's going to be homeless in Cleveland, regardless of how you finish. I'm a 19-year-old homeless man in Cleveland. No, I'm a 19-year-old sophomore in college.

And I'm not sure if you're aware, but finals week has probably just ended by the time you read this. So I guess my question in a nutshell is how do you deal with stress or stressful situations for some reason every time finals week comes around, I developed a habit of channeling all my stress straight into my asshole. I shit you not, pun intended. When the finals start to hit, I need to have an extraction plan to the bathroom laid out. Today, on the 13th of December, was my first of four finals this week,

and in the midst of my exam, my stomach moaned three times, and I thought I would liquefy myself. Luckily, I made it to the bathroom just in time, but the mess afterwards was astounding and shocking as I was lifted off the seat from propulsion. I do well on my exams, but maybe it's the pressure I subconsciously put on myself. I don't know.

Any advice on dealing with stress or shitting in stressful situations? Thanks. Happy holidays. Sincerely, Final Countdown. Final Countdown. advice on dealing with stress or shitting in stressful situations thanks happy holidays sincerely final countdown final countdown in seattle uh as soon as i read the subject line my shameful shitting i assumed this would be a good question for you this is a great question for me i am a i've had diarrhea since i was 13 this is another another quick plug. But Gabrus on the Twinnovation podcast was the funniest couple minutes of you guys talking about shit. I think you said you shit like your asshole was sneezing into the toilet bowl.

That's one way I've used to describe shitting is sneezing. The other one is like deadliest catch, like a big crab net opening and just all the shit dumps out onto the deck of the... A Bubba Gump. Yeah. A Bubba Dump. Just a boot and a fucking... Bubba Dump.

License plate. Oh my God. License plate from Nova Scotia from 1973. It only has four digits on it. They couldn't imagine more than 2,000 cars. Stress shitting is real. I get that. When you say you've been diarrheaing since 13 you mean on an offer it's just a pretty much i haven't taken a solid shit since the 90s

i wipe my ass with a hair dryer with a vhs player i uh um i get that playing sports uh even to date like if I have like a sporting event or whatever, I will shit four times before it. Oh, wow. Yeah, at least. I shit two times every morning guaranteed minimum. Jake's that way with peeing. Like when something is stressful, you're like, I got to go pee and then you got to pee again and you got to pee again. And then my asshole does the opposite.

It's like my pee hole gets as big as my asshole when I'm nervous. Oh, a penile anal exchange of sorts. If I'm nervous about something, I will, like, go for days without shitting, I think. Constipation. You're a stress constipator. I just don't even think about it. It just doesn't come out. Yeah, nothing.

Have you ever been constipated? Like, a couple days go by, and you're like, I haven't shit in a couple days. And you're like, holy shit, I'm under deadline. Whenever I travel, I won't shit pretty much. It'll throw me off for like I think when we were in Dublin I didn't shit until we got to London You guys were in Dublin for two semesters

We did a semester at sea I didn't shit until we came to port Shit or get off the port I'm the opposite When I travel if I'm like out of the country or flying a lot i'm shitting i'm never taking a full shit i'm taking four quarter shits a day you know it's like like as it comes instead of waiting yeah and and traveling also you eat like garbage so i've been on like where i like had to shit at the airport I land at.

How do you shit on airplanes? I never shit on an airplane before in my entire life for so long. And then when I flew to Dubai just to eat at Pizza Hut, on the flight back, I took my first shit on a plane ever and my second and my third. On one flight. Before you took off at the same time and one time on a first class flight in the middle of the night on a red eye i woke up ran to the bathroom and shit for 45 minutes when i came out people were like uh like you know you joined the mile high club by yourself

yeah i was coming and shitting everyone when i when i flew home from dubai i got out of john and there was five people lined up waiting and they just are i had put my head down like i felt like bernie madoff i wanted to like put a coat over my head and run back to my seat but then i had to get back up and get in line again and people were all like dude that'd be fun if you put your coat up and then didn't walk back to your seat but walk to the end of the line and was like hey come on hurry this fucking thing up here guys jesus who was in there number one only it smells like shit uh so this guy specifically you can commiserate with his stressful shit i totally get it yeah uh and i have i have stress induced shitting and also shitting induced stress which makes me like a fucking creb cycle of non-stop

you'll stress about your shit i'll stress about having to shit like i'll like that's why i shit a lot when i travel because i don't want to have to shit on a plane or i don't want to have to shit like like if when i go away with my wife and it's like like we were in paris and it's like all right let's wake up and walk around paris I'm like, I need to drink a coffee in the room and be here for 40 minutes after that coffee. I'm really lucky that mine is only piss because I know the stress. I know that feeling of like, what if I need to use the bathroom? But mine is always – like I can always at least like – I can pee in a corner somewhere. I can get away with it.

I've been big on like trying to track back where i some of these anxieties and issues i have i haven't gone to therapy but i've gone like i've been big on trying to sort like the starting points you're doing pre-therapy yeah and my brother has the same thing my brother will be like what like we'll be ready to go out and he'll be like wait wait wait wait and he'll go in the bathroom and he'll like come out like 10 minutes later i'm like did you shit he's like nah nothing later. I'm like, did you shit? He's like, nah, nothing came out. I'm like, you were just trying to shit? He's like, I just wanted to be done. And I'm like, why is that a thing we have? We must have tried to go to the bathroom once

where we were out, and my mom was like, ew, no, no shitting in public. Sometimes when you had a long car ride with all your whole family, like, we're not pulling over. Exactly. Cleanse your cheeks together. Because my brothers, my mom made us pose for so many stupid pictures our whole lives, like just standing in front of the sign of the hotel or whatever.

That to date, my brother, who has a two-month-old son, like the picture they sent for their Christmas card was like them all with Santa and my brother is miserable in the picture. And I'm like, you didn't even smile for your kid's holiday photo. And he's like, I hate getting my picture taken. It's all because of the duty. Yeah, it's all – I did it all for the duty. Nice. For what? Was this guy asking how he – how to come – how to get over this?

Yeah, or like any plans. Do you like – do you shit before? Like if you had a three-hour exam, would you shit right before? Would you just not think about it? I would try to get it out before i a thing that's really helped me is i am a coffee drinker and i will like when i am staying in new york working or something like that i'll make sure i can get coffee in my room or i'll buy coffee the night before and like iced coffee and keep it in the hotel fridge wow and i'll wake up earlier than I would normally do to get ready.

So you can have the coffee. So I can have the coffee, power through the shit, yeah. As a pisser, that stuff doesn't help because the more liquid I consume, the bigger the problem is. Exactly.

So the best thing I can do is sometimes, like before I get on a plane, I won't drink a lot of water. And then I'm up there and I'm fucking getting a headache. I'm super dehydrated. I have six glasses of red wine

staggered to the fucking bathroom. Puke instead of shit. Suddenly I'm shitting everywhere. I might recommend this dude wake up a little earlier than he normally would if it's an early exam. Yeah. But set himself – if he's not a coffee drinker, get a meal in. Get food in. Get that process going.

Give yourself enough time to eat a meal, digest, and possibly shit it out. Leave yourself with nothing in the tank, if you can. Yeah, go in empty. It all stems from, I was on the swim team, and you wouldn't want to have to shit once you were in the pool, because then you've got to get out freezing cold and get back to the toilet, and then shit in the toilet and come back to practice anyway. That sounds fun. So I'd always be like six minutes late to practice, but I'd be in the locker room.

My team would be like, come on, Gary Bruce, we've got to go we gotta go swim i'm like hold on i just want to make sure i'm completely done you're like vigorously wiping you know well if you're going back to the pool you probably don't have to wipe right yeah no no yeah no you just uh hold your ass open over the filter it's like suck it all in with a plunger all right i can't be that advice so uh on to the next i guess what about Amir? You take a lot of tests. You know, I'm unfortunate in many genetic regards, but I feel like I'm pretty regular shitter and pisser. I don't have any problems with that. My stomach is so far.

No, your problems are all psychological and social. Yeah, exactly. I have deeper issues than diarrhea. I'll tell you that much right now. Let's see if this one addresses it. All right. This is from another guy. let's name him after uh all right i'm in a sticky pinch and i could use some advice i wanted to write my girlfriend a song for christmas that was funny and sweet i decided to make a parody of can't help falling in love by elvis yes i'm fucking adorable i know so i wrote the lyrics and i wanted to play

an instrument at the same time i asked my friend to help me learn the piano for the song. This is where the problem occurred. He lives extremely far away. So we've been working on Skype, but he asked me for some money to hire him as a musician teacher, as a music teacher. I of course said yes and paid him in advance for five lessons. Very cheap. Now we've done two lessons and he's already asking for more saying i'll need at least 10 lessons he wants them he wants the money now how do i tell him i don't want lessons anymore he's a terrible teacher and two scott uh and sorry he's a terrible teacher and over skype he keeps cutting out while teaching and i don't have the heart or interest really to ask him to repeat what he said i've given up hope on learning this stupid song.

Thanks for the help, y'all. Love. Ebony and Ivory. Very nice. I like this post name-making. So, what are your thoughts on charging friends at all, just that general universe? Do you do that?

As you get older, the one thing, like, I don't like to charge friends we all do favors but there's not much stuff i can do in return for someone you know what i mean i don't have that much of a skill like if someone were to help me with my website i can't be like cool i'll improv coach you or cool i'll you know act in a sketch video and i don't want to be doing that but i think as you you get older, like for me, like I'll have a friend, if a friend wants to help me with something, I will, like I have a friend

who's recutting my reel for me. I said, let me pay you. And they're like, please, no, you don't have to. I'm like, let me so I can tell you what to do. And they're like, okay, that's fair. Like then there's no guilt

about asking for more notes. There's no, I'm no guilt for like, hey, do another round to edit. There's no, like, I'm like, I'll give you the money. money it's just i'd rather give money to a friend than a stranger right i don't mind paying for you know uh goods and services what about couch crashing do you still do that um only with very specific people you cash crashed with us one night in uh

last year yeah in austin well that was a bed crash oh i guess i slept there that night too i just don't remember it you passed out in the kitchen so shit face i dropped that glass that was the first time and i think only time i've ever seen you feel shame yeah like you've i've seen you like destroy many things but for whatever reason when that happened you broke a glass you felt bad yeah i felt bad and i didn want it because I didn't want to clean it up. I just wanted to go to sleep. I was so beat. But like, can't leave broken glass on a shared house floor.

Yeah, that's the one thing where you can't, I'll get that tomorrow. Yeah, that's like the worst idea ever. Everyone's crawling around. So this guy specifically, friend extorting him for more lessons. It sounds like this guy's a little bit of a bad pupil. He says, I miss stuff that he says, and I don't have the heart or desire, frankly, to tell him to repeat what he said. It sounds like you just don't want to learn the piano and you're blaming the teacher. So his idea was to play a Christmas song for his girlfriend, but he is not musical?

That's the thing that's driving me crazy. It's like, why don't you have your friend just pay your friend to record the song? Oh, that's pretty good advice. Yeah, and then you could sing over it. Is that? Totally. Yeah, you don't need to. Actually, I'm not really good at singing either, so I have two friends.

Yeah, why is this? First of all, I've got notes on this dude. How long have you been with this girl? Because if you think you might break up, she will tell this Christmas song story for the rest of your fucking life and not in a positive way. I've got, yeah, I've got two thoughts. One, you want to learn how to, you want to learn the hardest instrument. One of the hardest instruments.

Piano? Do the ukulele and play the song. You can do that yourself on online videos. It's like I wrote a song and I want to learn to play the harp by Christmas. Hopefully my theremin instructor that I deal with exclusively over Slack will be... I've been in a situation where I recorded a song for a girl that I was into at the time, and it's still hard-baked onto my iPhone. Wow.

And you really don't want this shit out there. No. Do your best to not actually record whatever you do. It's hard to adjust GIFs based on whether you think it'll eventually come out or not like you sort of have to like live in a world where like this person will appreciate it and i can't maybe in five years that's fair but just play it for her live don't show that's good don't show her the don't make a video yeah please don't make a video yeah or send

it over snapchat so it deletes put on youtube but ideally unlisted or password protected right and it's crazy that his friend wants to bump it up to 10 lessons unless this guy sucks so bad at piano and his buddy wants to yeah what like it just seems if you delineated all right cool i'll pay you for five lessons he can't ask you to do 10 i mean he can't the two lesson mark is a little early to be like trust me the more, it won't be enough. Yeah, it sounds like the musician friend is having a hard go wherever the fuck he is. You could probably just be like, let's stick with the five,

and after five, if I need more, I'll let you know. But maybe I'll be able to cobble this together. Can you imagine what a piano lesson would, like what is it more than just telling you how to, like where to, how to play the song? Like what is the lesson beyond that? That's an interesting question. I've never taken a music lesson.

I've taken two versions of music lessons. Piano? Yeah, and piano and guitar lessons when I was little. They tell you where the notes are. Practicing over and over. What's the difference between lessons 6, 7, 8, 9, 10? It's practice, really, I guess. But you get better at practice and you learn.

There's a lot to learn on the fucking piano. But more importantly, he's only trying to learn one song. He's not trying to learn how to play the piano. Yeah. So it shouldn't take ten. I feel like I could learn a song if it's just a matter of memorizing the order. Well, when I learned the piano, I learned the Jurassic Park theme song and the Star Wars theme song. So I think those are simple

enough. Who knows? If you arbitrarily pick an Elvis song that you want to cover, that might be a hard one on the piano. He could fake it, I bet. If he's doing a video, he could be like, hey, you record the piano. I'll hide my hands. Lay that as a track underneath. So I'm singing only.

Is this a video that he's doing for his girlfriend? The only reason we're thinking about video is because that's how he's learning the piano oh yeah if it's just a song you don't have to prove that you played the piano at all and also i bet you you could pay less than you're paying your friend to get piano lessons from an actual piano instructor that will come to your home oh that's a good one like take real piano i think i think what we gotta talk about with this guy here is uh what's your fucking what's your end game here son i don't think he wants to learn the piano if you don't want to learn the piano you want to learn how to play one song yeah one

song maybe piano's not the right move you know what i mean or learn your one song get it from your friend give him a fucking couple of bucks and get out of there but don't give him the full 10 don't go for 10 unless you need unless unless you think you're going to need five more. But this dude is like fucking pyramid scheme. This is like, that's not like when you sign up for a gym and they give you like five free personal training sessions. Then the second you use one,

they're like, you know, this package is that you're doing great with this. You know, they're just trying to, it's not going to be enough, man. Eight CDs for one penny.

What is it called? The Columbia, Columbia House. Oh, by the way, listeners of Jake and Amir, a CD is a way people used to listen to music. We don't have time to get into it.

Pennies are an archaic form of payment. They're like really small bitcoins that are real, IRL. That's weird. It's not a waste of material, I guess. Coppa, baby. All right, let's take a break. We're roughly halfway done with this episode. We'll be right back with more Gabrus after this.

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Holiday's coming up. Holy shit. I can't believe we took a full-blown 90-minute break. You did have the diarrhea, you said. Yeah, well, I'm dry. I'm empty. I'm a husk of a man. Have you ever seen a video of shit coming out of your butthole? Do you know

what it looks like when it's coming out of your butt? Do you have a video of my... Do you have a toilet cam here at HeadGum? Would you like to see that video? Are you interested at all? You paid me $5 to see it and $100 for me to delete it. I hate to only talk about shit, but I do have a couple more poop questions for you. Did you ever see a video of yourself shitting?

I once did. I didn't see poop coming out of the butt, but I did videotape poop coming out of my butt. From a side angle. So the cheek was covering the opening. But to just see it drop? Just to see what it looked like when it dropped. You edited it. So the cheek was covering the opening. But to just see it drop? Just to see what it looked like when it dropped. You edited it to make the shit go into your ass. That's correct, too.

As a joke. You played it backwards. Yeah, it was like poop going. It was really actually upsetting. It was poetic, really. This was, you said, for your senior thesis? Yeah. B minus.

Not bad. Not terrible. My teacher was a fucking pervert. He said he would like to see more shit come into my ass. Yeah, my teacher was a real shit freak. Nice. Any huge holiday plans coming up worth mentioning? For me?

Yeah, for you. Nothing exciting, just, you know, my in-laws are divorced. Oh. And I have a mom so it's uh three christmases for us three oh i'm getting a tattoo whoa yeah first tattoo my first tattoo at 34 no that is any tattoos none that must be a rare like have gotten a drunken tattoo on your ass in college right but uh my dad when i was a kid did something really cool he's like if you want a tattoo write it down or draw it put put it in an envelope, open it in one year.

If you still want it, you can get it. And then one year later, I opened an envelope with a picture of a shark wearing sunglasses, flexing his muscles. I would get that now, dude. Now I like it again. But when I was like 18, I was like, what was I thinking? That's a really good lesson. Yeah. So what's the tattoo of?

I'm going to get the outline of Long Island, I believe, just to fully lean into the douchebag that I've become. You love it. I love it. I miss Long Island. I do. So would I be able to see it from where you are, the T-shirt right there? Yeah, maybe.

Hopefully I'll get the guns popping in time for that as well. I like that. Would you ever move back to Long Island? No. What about the East Coast? I mean, I think in my head I think that would be cool, but I honestly, it's really just much nicer out here. I just like it way more.

And I now have two nephews, so that's the only thing that would make me want to be East Coast more. Yeah, as the family starts growing out there. Yeah, exactly. And especially if I eventually have kids, I'd like them to be around their cousins. where's your wife's family from uh westchester just outside of new york as well oh shit so it really makes sense for us to live on the east coast but i want to be in hollywood hollywood but also four years of living out here with not a lot

of tv work so apparently you could do high and mighty from a fucking apartment in fucking Seaford. And the dollar would go a long way over there, right? Yeah, not too bad. But Long Island is 30 minutes from the city. And Tim Dillon, a Long Island comedian I really like, I heard him quoted as saying, 40 minutes from the city and 40 years. Because it's like fucking Trump country over there. I don't want to start ailing. No, we're going to start saying Merry Christmas again.

I'm serious. It's man of the year, not person of the year. That was just trolling people. He was just saying it, so we'll tweet about it, which will work, but still. Strong on a tattoo. No text. Would you ever get a tattoo?

I don't think so. Because again, I don't have any, I don't have the thing where I would open up an envelope and be like good idea me lakers yeah you don't have you don't have an element of your personality that's like interesting is not the right word i couldn't say that with a straight face instantly identifiable right like there's nothing i would be like oh the only like the lakers or basketball and it's like you get a lakers tattoo it's like i can't get a basketball tattoo unless you play basketball like if you really like it but like lebron james has some basketball tattoos that makes a lot i might get chosen one on my back like he does but other than that i

wouldn't get one maybe if i if you were forced to get a tattoo if i was forced to get a tattoo yeah if you like if you were like you have to get a tattoo and it can't just be like a dot on the bottom of your foot what what would you get? So the one that I keep saying as a joke where maybe I like it now is Milhouse from The Simpsons on my ass. Oh, I think that's really good. Oh, I like that. No, I really do because now you're just reminding me of – like I just realized how similar to Milhouse. Right, exactly.

It's like a cute little character that I really liked. And then it's on my butt, which is kind of a funny place for it. I think, yeah. And also very hideable. Yeah, very hideable. You have to switch your swimwear, but otherwise, no more thongs. Before the whole Woody Allen thing, that would have been a good tattoo. But now if he's an actual child molester, I feel bad.

Yeah, you wouldn't want that on your tiny little boy butt. I once ordered a Woody Allen painting, and I had it up for a while, and then the whole thing reopened. I'm like, I feel a little bad. That was in your Bill Cosby room, right? Yeah, yeah. That I had no problems with to this day. I like Hitler's art. Jake's getting two tattoos removed

right now. Oh, yeah, that's true. Are you? Yeah. Look at his ankle. I knew you had an ankle tattoo right he's got two on my ankle so that one's going away this one's a word every tribal son okay and what was the other one it was the word every but it's almost gone every e-v-e-r-y yeah it's like a it's i actually i'm gonna have to put the every somewhere else on my body because I have a family house where there's like a poem on the wall that says, it is always every summer in this house. It's like our summer house.

Oh. And everybody in my family has one word from that sentence. Oh, that's so cute. And I'm removing mine. Why are you removing it, though? Because I dislike my family. I don't like – I really did not like the way the two ankle tattoos looked. I'm removing mine. Why are you removing it though? I dislike my family. I don't like,

I really did not like the way the two ankle tattoos looked. Yeah, that's fair. That sounds like if you told me, but that's also like, that's some 20 year old shit right there. Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't have removed the,

everyone, but when I was in the doctor's office, they were like, we could remove this one too for the same price. And I was like, Oh, I would rather have it on my arm. Right.

Sure. Yeah. Go for it. You're going to get really funny you're not technically you're not technically getting a tattoo removed you're getting it moved i'm getting it yeah yeah yeah a tattoo moval that'd be really funny they're like we could just graft this onto your back like a big scar like chunk he's getting the tribal sun on his neck it doesn't take just green all around words aren't the only thing i ever really wanted to get tattooed uh but i can never choose the word yeah it's because i

love courier new i'm obsessed with that font courier new yeah yeah and all lowercase courier new is like i always think of like the way ee cummings signed his you know you were like it was always all lowercase that's my sister actually hasier New. Her word is this, and she has it on her wrist. That's kind of cool. Yeah, but I could never think of a word. The only word that would make sense would be a kid's name or Tiffany or something like that, but that's weird to get your wife's name tattooed on.

I feel like that's a jinx. That's like a divorce jinx, right? Totally, totally. Also, how am I supposed to cheat on it if people ask it? Who's Tiffany? I'm like, my mom. She's dead. Fuck you.

I killed her. Yeah, a word is what I would... I was going to get what the hell dash Jack Burton, which is like quoting Jack Burton, who's the Kurt Russell character in Big Trouble in Little China. Yeah, you can do a movie thing. That feels weird. I don't want to explain my tattoo i think

that the only way to really do it to me is like to have a whole entire sleeve or a shitload of tattoos then nobody's asking you like oh what's this one mean yeah right like when people see my tribal son they're like what does that mean to you like i don't fucking know i don't know the sun and the 90s i enjoyed the summer and sub. Why don't you get another tattoo of the explanation? That's a good idea. That way you can just go, it's over here. Is it talking out of turn to say, doesn't Streeter have the Cabbage Patch signature

on the bottom of his foot? No, he has established 1982. And a Celtic cross. Right, but isn't that what the Cabbage Patches have? Is there established with the year that they were made? Yeah, that's a good onebage Patches have? Is there established with the year that they were made? Is that what it is? Yeah.

That's a good one too. That's really funny. Very dystopian. Yeah. This is all about Streeter. Yeah. This is a Streeter. Welcome back to StreeterCast.

What else do you like about Streeter? I would be one of ten people who listen to that. Yeah. A podcast about Streeter. That was a really nice and mean thing to say about Streeter. Right. Because I would listen to it, but I'm assuming only nine other people would. Yeah.

Actually, unlike anybody else, I like Streeter. Hey, I don't want to be a contrarian here, but I think Streeter's an all right guy. I know how most of you feel. All right. Do you want to answer a couple more questions? Is that the premise of this podcast? Yeah, and let's leave the world of test taking and get into the world of pussy eating. All right, do you want to answer a couple more questions? Is that the premise of this podcast? Yeah, and let's leave the world of test-taking and get into the world of pussy eating. This is another category I feel confident to speak about.

Shitting and pussy eating is like my two things. One begets the other. And look at this. This one starts with, hey, at the ripe old age of 34, I most certainly fall into the older demographic of your podcast, but I still need your advice. I've been happily married for eight years, and I love my wife very much. Our sex life is great. In fact, it's gotten exponentially better over the years. Here's the issue.

My wife rarely lets me go down on her, like maybe once a year if I'm lucky. I really enjoy doing it, and I feel guilty that I get head, but I can't reciprocate. On the very rare occasions that I get to venture south, it's immediately following a bath, and I'm only allowed to stay down there for a few minutes. I've asked her why this is, and she says that she doesn't like it because I'm so close to her bum hole. Don't worry, I don't want to eat that Milky Way magic star. And that she finds the thought of it gross.

Have you guys ever come across this before? Is she lying to me because I'm actually really bad at it? I've tried watching female-friendly porn to get tips, and I'm not going to use the advice of regular porn by spitting on or slapping the poor lady flower. DJ style. Should I let it go and let it be an annual treat? Or should I probe deeper?

Sorry this hasn't been an amusing question, but I really hope you can help me. Oh, this is a fucking genuinely good question. Who is this guy? Torture Tongue. Nice. Very good. That's a very good question. So have you ever experienced this you've been married

forever so maybe you don't have the breadth of knowledge but do you have the depth of knowledge to understand where this guy's coming from i could understand where this guy is coming from that's not a problem in our house right we the beard rides are free flowing free flowing i really i'm a very i'm very very into uh cunnilingus right very much enjoy doing it i'm very good at it according to my audience according to the one person that matters that thinks that i mean i have only been eating one pussy but it has been for over a decade so i've gotten pretty good if practice makes If practice makes pussy, then you're the king. Copy that. That tracks all the way to the end.

Your other tattoo says practice makes pussy. And that's just because when I was a kid, I just wanted to play in games and skip practices. I've experienced this, the lady that doesn't like it. Yeah. Whoa, really? Yeah. That makes sense.

Wait, a girlfriend? No, not a girlfriend. I feel like a girl would like you to eat her out because then you would stop talking i think it well while he's down there he is saying practice makes pussy uh i think it's people if a lady isn't so comfortable with her vagina like how he says the the bath thing yeah like if you're insecure about it then you don't want somebody close to it let alone the closest you could possibly be. Right.

That's, this harkens back to a health class. I remember I made some joke where the teacher's like explaining sex and she's like, ladies and boys, you know, you don't have to go right to sound like, yeah,

that's where you get a blow job. And I like made something funny. And my teacher goes, you think putting your mouth on someone else's genitals is less intimate than sex? And in that moment, I realized, like, it's definitely more intimate. Yeah, that's the most. Right. Even though, like, blowjob always traditionally comes before fucking, there's something that's, like, biologically intimate.

Yeah. Oral sex is, like, my favorite possible thing. Yeah. So you'd rather climax during that than sex sex? I guess I'd probably if I don't know if they really I'd like to do both. At the very least they're tied. And it's definitely called sex sex? Sex sex.

If you have like a simultaneous orgasm while you're 69ing, mom, turn off the podcast. I think that's the best. I think that's probably the best. Wait, hold on. Mom, my mom, turn off the podcast. I think that's the best. I think that's probably the best thing there is. Wait, hold on. My mom, turn it on. Because I am turned on. Because we have to have

one mom listening at all times. It's a weird game. My mom told me she actually does turn off the podcast when I tell her to. Oh, really? Yeah, so she'll have stopped listening to this episode.

All right, cool. Let's talk about how hot your mom is. Great. Wait, I should have done it while she was listening. I've dealt with this problem with a real significant other before. A real one?

Yeah. You're saying Amir's is a doll. Yeah. Mine's imaginary. If you have oral sex with somebody that's a casual thing, they're like, oh, I don't really like it. That means that they're not really comfortable with a stranger having their face in their box that and that's understandable but if you're in a

really eight-year relationship you better like be down with the person you love like get an up-close uh santa your muff you know what i mean i'm really freewheeling because my mom's not listening yeah wow we're really hitting with the synonyms here. I love it. I love Muff. I don't know exactly where I was heading. I think I know where you're headed. And I think we need to track back. You need to find out what her holdup is. Yes.

Yeah. Because I think a lot of women think they're concerned that they smell. Right. That's a thing. And I know in my history without getting it like you kind of have to explain like no i like the smell that is yeah that's you think it doesn't smell like because it doesn't smell like uh lotion or body wash yeah it's bad no and i'd honestly prefer like i don't want you to take a bath i want you to like i want to see you after yoga Yeah I want post spin class You trust dude Treat my face like another spin class

I'm sorry but just cause your vagina Is like near your asshole That's another reason why I want to be down there And also by the way It sounds like if your wife's having a hard time With you eating her out in the front She's not going to want it any other way But don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Eating ass is a delight as well. I mean, the vagina is just a road running to the star on the map. But I think what we're talking about here is he needs to find out, he needs to have a frank conversation with her, because if it's something he really enjoys doing truly and not just out of guilt of getting blowjobs, if he truly enjoys doing it then he he should have whoa excuse me that's my stomach let's take another 90 minute break we're on the top floor right we're in your belly right now um i think if that's something you

really want to do then you in your marriage it's going to be healthy if you get to do it. Yeah. And this is also from experience. I remember the way that I got over this hump was to basically convince this person that it was like that that really turned me on, that I loved the way they tasted and smelled. And that like any of their hangups were like not shared by me. They were my turn ons. And maybe this guy hasn't had like a frank discussion with his wife like she might have been like i don't really like it like oh cool whatever me either i don't yeah i don't care but like she should know that this is what i mean he calls it a once a year treat i know so if it's a treat for his birthday and it's and she he said only for a

couple of minutes i think there's like like a full shower and a soak beforehand. Right. You got to tell her, look, this is what I really want to do. And then you have to, the next time the opportunity arises, you have to go out of your way to make her feel so comfortable. If that means she has a glass of wine, light it up, light up candles, play her favorite music. Tell her the whole way through how much you're enjoying what you're doing i love your smell i love your taste seriously make her feel as comfortable as beautiful as amazing show her all the reasons why you love it right exactly

and because trust me if you like doing it man that's going to be something that ends up being like a little bit of a uh stuck in your craw about your marriage because like that's like if if i if you didn't get head from your wife and you wanted it why wouldn't like how could you not start thinking about that getting it elsewhere or something like that you know what i mean and definitely eat her ass well that's your advice for anybody that's what you also said about the guy who couldn't take a exam without shitting yeah get your ass eaten bro brah brah um everyone should have this makes me feel bad because i because i feel like also maybe she would never orgasm from it because she's just too blocked but she should open herself up to that and he should be he should fucking lay out the rose petals roll the red carpet out and say like

here we go we're gonna do this and you're like you're not like you're gonna like this but like i'm gonna do my best or find out what her hang-ups are if it's like oh i don't like it being that close to my ass it's like okay maybe i just pull your underwear to the side oh i don't want to i don't want to lay down i feel unflattering at the angle maybe it's about sitting on the face maybe or maybe she doesn't want to sit on the guy i want this guy's wife to sit on my face i love use i want to play fucking soak the beard with this guy's wife that's what we call it in my house i had a long day john i uh i gotta just gotta have a glass of wine and soak your beard okay Hey, let's do it.

I signed you up for a Bikram yoga class, and then I'll pick you up at 8. Yeah. Also, it's something I got very good at because I was a quick ejaculator. Oh, yeah, that'll do it. Yeah, so I was a— So it slows you down. What? It slows you down.

No, well, it makes sure she gets off at least first. Right. You know what I mean? So it's getting her to the one-yard line, and then you both cross the finish line a lot of quick ejaculating is like has to do with taking the pressure off too right like if if i go down on somebody and they orgasm then i'm like okay this like the stakes aren't super high and then i last longer anyway right exactly because you're like you and also like you don't get so worked up yeah yeah has this got too real i'd love i know i'm hard to swing with you

yeah hey jake if it's cool with you could you eat out my wife oh god i'd hate to intrude but wiping my beard let me just get it as dry as possible i need you to do it poorly just so she has something to weigh it against. Do you have time for one last question? Yeah. Great, bro. It's like a 45-minute question. Oh, it's just a quick 10-part. Roman numeral 1A. This is the table of contents.

All right. This is from, I can't say his name. Here it is. Ready? A year and a half ago, a friend was at my apartment, and I was telling her about a really good book that I had just finished. She asked if she could borrow it, so I lent her a copy. Over the course of the next year and a half, we wouldn't really see each other that much and eventually grew apart. We're still on perfectly fine terms. The thing is, I've been trying to figure out a way to get my book back from her

with having as little interaction with her as possible. I'm not really one to catch up with people. I'm kind of an awkward little Jew asshole. And honestly, I don't understand why people feel a social obligation to pretend you're friends with someone you don't really want to talk to when you bump into them, or in this case, need to pick something up that you lent them a year and a half ago. And I know what you're thinking. Why am I making this such a big deal? Well, you're totally right. I'm just a neurotic crazy person who doesn't have the energy to make small talk with this now stranger. Can you guys think of a way that I can pick this book up under the pretense that I don't want to catch up with her, but without coming off as rude?

Or am I being too wishful? Is there no way of avoiding having to grab a coffee for 45 minutes just to get my book back? Help! Thanks. Love? Uh, Jew Asshole. Self-named Jew Asshole. Um, yeah, I would say maybe amazon.com oh and buy your own fucking book yeah dude just buy it i wonder why it's this is a one-of-a-kind book well i feel like he would have mentioned it if it was like autographed or one-of-a-kind or first edition

one-of-a-kind he said let my copy is as personalized as it got so i don't understand why his copy is so right it's like when he's like talking about getting his book back and he goes i don't know why i'm being like this maybe it's because i'm a little like you don't have to say you're a jew if you're really upset that a book you lent out 18 months ago isn't back it was the bible you're definitely neurotic yeah i agree have you ever done this have you ever like lent someone something like i just fucking keep it i don't want to deal with you anymore. Maybe even an ex-girlfriend.

I feel like anytime you lend someone something in modern culture, you're saying, I'm not positive. I'm going to get this back. Yeah. Remember when DVDs were a thing that you would borrow and let other people borrow? And it was hard to keep track of who has your DVDs. Tiff, I was a big DVD guy. And my wife lent my downstairs neighbor a few DVDs. And she didn't know which one she lent him

he took a couple and then he gave back a couple but i was like missing some movies and i was like so furious i was like so unnecessarily upset but i couldn't even tell you what movies were you know what i mean like so but i was just mad that what like someone got one over on me i guess but if you lend someone lend someone something, if you're not good enough friends with this girl that you might not speak for 18 months. Yeah, you shouldn't have lent her the book. You shouldn't have lent her anything. Or you should know that it's giving. Does he want to read the book or does he just want to have it back in his library?

We don't know. If you already read the book, man, don't be a fucking loser. Yeah, it is funny when you want the book back that you've already read like the book is done for you i still i used to like hang on to books for a long time now i started giving them away yeah i don't know you don't need what do i you have like a collection of like the trophies like i finished this one look at all the books this is how smart i these are all in my brain the reason i have books the reason i buy books well first of all i still can't do e-readers and stuff. And the reason I buy books is so that I can give them or lend them to people under the auspices of like –

like I have a couple of friends that we sort of just give each other graphic novels and we're like, read it, give it away, keep it, whatever. We'll just pass it around. Read it and weep. Yeah, read it and weep, motherfucker. Four aces. What about a surrogate, somebody else at her house at a certain point? Right. He's got to have some mutual friends.

That's a good piece of advice. Oh, right. Yeah, you say, if you're going to see this girl, pick up my book. Right. Something like that. Otherwise, you do have to do it personally if you do want this specific book back. Yeah. I mean, the best you could do is say, like, hey, I'm in the neighborhood. Can I drop by? And then you say hello. And you're like, I wish I had time to. Yeah. I mean, the best you could do is say like, hey, I'm in the neighborhood. Can I drop by?

And then you say hello. Like, I wish I had time to catch up. I have another thing. I mean, two lies. It's a lie that you're in the neighborhood and a lie that you have something to go to. Yeah. If you really don't want to interact with her and you are socially awkward enough that you don't want to interact with her, but also awkward enough that you want that book back, here's what you do. Okay.

If she has a date, does she have a job? If you know she has a job, you say, hey, so random. I want that book back. Here's what you do. Okay. If she has a date, does she have a job? If you know she has a job, you say, hey, so random. I want this book back. A friend of mine was asking about it because it's been a year and a half now. So there's a good chance she doesn't even have the book anymore. Hey, if you still have it, I'm going to be in your neighborhood tomorrow. I'm assuming you've got to go to work or something. Leave it in your mailbox.

Leave it underneath this. Put it behind, you know. Leave it out in public because it's a book. No one will take it. Put it on your stoop and I'll come grab it. I like that. Or you say like, hey, I'm going to pick it up. Are you home?

She says yes. But like you make sure there's a time when she has to leave by and you say, I'm running late. Just leave it on your step. I'll pick it up. Yeah. And then you're just sitting across the street in your car, fake reading a newspaper, watching her leave until you get a fucking arrested we know he has nothing to do because

he spent this long obsessing over getting his book back this makes me so curious what the book is yeah right doesn't is this like i'm so i like it's like a mysterious father's diary yeah yeah i mean it would have blows dust off of it it's the Necronomicon. It's just a fountainhead. He's just a douchebag. Michael Crichton's The Sphere. I would love it if it's like a mass market paperback. It's $3. It's in a dollar bin at B. Dalton.

The Da Vinci Code. All right. Good advice. Good tips. Good hangs. Good jokes. Good episode. Hey, thank you so much. I love Good advice. Good tips. Good hangs. Good jokes. Good episode. Hey, thank you so much.

I love giving advice. I love giving advice, especially when the person can't be there to go, actually, that sounds – I'm like, eh. You know what's good about your podcast is like you could host our podcast, but nobody else could host your podcast. You know what I mean? Like nobody else can be Gabrus. Right. I could host your podcast for 5,000 listeners. Thanks, man.

I needed to hear that. Is there anything else you want to plug before we peace on out of here? Please, no. Follow me on Twitter or on social media or Snapchat. Hell yeah. And listen to my podcast, High and Mighty, on the HeadGum Network. If you want more of us talking to each other, I'm on Gabrus' episode. Jake's on an episode. Yeah. We're both on an episode at a certain point yeah

you're both on the first episode and also uh if you start listening to my podcast or or you want to listen to my podcast tweet at me with topics you'd like to see me talk about that's something i'm thinking about getting into is learning about shit for listeners what episodes did you say you had in the can already that are coming out? That are coming out. I have one about game shows coming out. I have one about weddings and one about comic books with a comic artist and illustrator,

illustrator and writer. Oh damn. Great. And I've got a few more brewing that I think are going to be pretty exciting. That means they're about beer, right? Some of them. Awesome.

Sick dog. 10 episodes about beer. I love that. You're going to do an hour about ollies. That's how sick it is. All right. More of Gabrus on the High and Mighty podcast on HeadGum. So if you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions, like Tyler did, send it all over, if I were you show at gmail.com. The opening theme song,

uh, was by Tyler, the trio three B. Uh, and then this closing one is Maya who did a ukulele, second ukulele reference on the episode. Good stuff. Uh,

thanks so much for listening. Everybody will be back next week. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. is a show by Jake and Amir to answer questions from people who are full of fear

yeah if you got a problem I'll help you out yeah bro you have to tune into the if I were you show da dum dee dum da dum dee dum just enjoy the show

da dum dee dum da dum dee dum you're really gonna like the show. Gigantamere, Gigantamere, Gigantamere. Hope you enjoy the show. Gigantamere, Gigantamere, Gigantamere. If I were you, I'd show. The only advice show in the entire world.