Segments - 251: Santa Clause

Episode Date: December 26, 2016

In this episode we discuss the holidays, New Years Eve, and student loans. Thanks for listening this year! This episode is brought to you by the HeadGum Store and Seeso! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Monday, December 26th, the last episode of 2016. And ever. Holy shit. Thanks, everybody.

We've had a good time doing the podcast. On to the next shit, though. We'll actually be still doing the podcast in 2017. That's amazing. I was afraid I wasn't going to have a job. I was putting on a happy face. No, that was not a happy face. I was glum.

You were going out in a blaze of glory it's sure i see you writing a pretty scathing company-wide email oh yeah strongly worded send to all uh of us this episode once again is brought to you by our very own head gum store that's great uh the store is still there we're adding stuff to it all the time. Namely, and notably, a Yes Dude shirt. A Yes Dude shirt. Yes Dude. Shirt Dude. Shirt Dude. There's also a Sweatshirt Dude. Sweatshirt Dude. Warmth Dude. Headgum swag in all shapes and

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anything your fart desires is available at store.headgum.com that's store.headgum.com this episode is coming out right in the middle of that

Christmas New Year's week what a nice week what a relaxed I wonder where I'll be when this episode comes out right in the middle of that Christmas New Year's week. What a nice week. What a relaxed... I wonder where I'll be when this episode comes out. Well, it'll be right after Christmas, maybe somewhere near home.

Is it the day after, the 26th or the 27th? The 26th, yeah. Ooh, I'll be a little hungover. Very nice. I get a little plastered on Christmas. So if you're hungover... And every night of my sad life. All right, that's very nice. Sorry about that. If you're hungover. And every night of my sad life. All right.

That's very nice. Sorry about that. If you're hungover or hanging out with your family, thank you for making time for listening to this episode and listening to us all year long. What a wild ride it's been. Indeed, indeed. But we made it. So let's get right into this episode.

Things, of course, you know, it's the last episode of the year. So things got real. Let's get started. Adios. Adios. Outro Music To these nerdy Jews, they so jocelyn. Cause they know how to speak the truth. But at least that's what I do. If I were you, if I were you. Yeah. If I were you.

Yeah. Uh. Caesar cheese. Uh. If I were you, show.com. Do you hear me? I love my mom. Jackson Booth.

J Booth. That's a cool name for a cool song. The Booth is the truth. Very good. I can rap too. How cool song. The Booth is the truth. Very good. I can rap too. How's that? The Booth is the truth. Here, I'll give you the, hi, my name is beat, and then you can rap to it.

No need. All right, ready? I already proved myself. Banana. Actually, you suck at beatboxing, so I'm not going to be able to. All right. Very fair. That was, once again, Jackson Booth.

Thank you for that opening theme song parody. Of course, of my name is Shiki Shiki. That song came out when I was like in ninth grade. I was like 18 years ago. Holy shit. Like that shit wouldn't fly today. Now it's like Syria,

this and Russia hacking that. Like we have bigger issues than, uh, if it's cool, if I hump a dead moose. Oh, yeah, I guess, but I don't understand what your point is. I'm just saying, like, Marshall... The times have changed?

No, not even that. Like, I think the times have stayed the same to the point where my name is what? Excuse me? You're not good at discourse, man. i really think my name is who i don't get you dude my name is slim shady uh all right this is if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet that releases a brand new episode in the dead week between christmas and new year's eve we got one week now where nobody's doing shit you're not even gonna mention hanukkah oh yeah we're we're in the dead in the middle dead middle of hanukkah that week is the hanukkah week it's everything is happening

at once everyone's with their family i guess if you're you're traveling a lot so maybe it is a busy podcast week too possibly uh so anyway we were we wanted to release a new episode for you guys i thought maybe it would be fun to read specifically holiday questions oh i love that so it's like the game boy but we're reading only for holiday words yeah oh maybe i could search hanukkah too all right you want to start with a christmas question sure should we search something like as simple as christmas or should holiday words. Yeah. Oh, maybe I could search Hanukkah, too. All right. You want to start with a Christmas question? Sure. Should we search something, like, as simple as Christmas, or should we do, like, stocking? Oh.

I was going to do Christmas just to get us started. Okay. These are questions we've never read before, but contain the word Christmas. All right. First one. Ready? Yep. I'm a 24-year-old woman in uni.

Wait, what should we call this lady? Rudolph. Nice. Thank you. Rudolph writes, I'm a 24-year-old woman in uni, and I just got out of a long-term relationship a few months ago and have been on a few dates, and in general I try to get out there and meet people. I'm not really interested in a new relationship,

so it's mostly been fun and a few casual hookups. I met a cool guy on Tinder before I went home for Christmas this week who takes the same courses as I do at uni, just a few years lower. We talked about how stressful school is and that we both just want to blow off steam, aka hook up, and we met for a coffee two times just to see if we were compatible before I went home, and we totally are. But now I'm home and I don't know what to do to keep him interested. My question is, should I keep texting him over break to keep the possibility of a hookup in three weeks open

or not talk to him till I get back? I don't want to be annoying. So do you guys have any suggestions? That's an interesting one. Yeah, usually people want to like stay in touch with somebody that they really like. It seems like this one's so casual. Yeah. usually people want to, like, stay in touch with somebody that they really like. It seems like this one's so casual. Yeah, so the question is... I don't want anything out of this except a hookup. So should I text him every day? I think, if anything, if you only want to hook up, text him less.

Oh, because, like, the everyday thing might lead him to believe that this is going to be a serious thing. Yeah, and it could also have that, like, same effect on you. If you stay in touch too much, you'll get to know each other too well, and that'll be hard to just casually hook up. Yeah, I feel like that's happened to me before, or making the decision, like, do I,

if someone that I've hung out with a few times goes away, do I chime in and hang on and reemerge myself every two to three days in her, in her vacation? Or do I just let her just completely leave and then come back and then reignite it? Right. I think, I mean, it seems like that's what you do. Cause it's, while you're on vacation, she might like forget about you, but it's not like she's going to come back and like be so distracted still by the vacation. I'm sorry, I can't hang out. I'm still thinking about vacation. But what I've sorry I can't hang out. I'm still thinking about vacation.

But what I've experienced is if you don't do anything, the little, you got to keep the flame going just a little bit. So like if it completely extinguishes, like three weeks of not talking, I think that might distinguish, extinguish the flame. And then they come back and they're like, I don't care or remember about you. I guess you got to leave the pilot light on. Yeah, leave the pilot light on. Maybe like a bi-weekly check-in.

Yeah. And then hope they do the same. Right. That way you're at least like keeping some semblance of whatever the embers going for a few times a week. Stoke the embers. Don't throw another log on. Exactly. Until he's throwing his log in oh yeah folks oh yeah um and the coffee date is a weird thing to do if you only want to hook up two coffee dates so that's like coffee dates two coffee dates like hello so we may want to have a

casual encounter i've had a coffee date once. Some people swear by them. I fucking hate them. Have you ever had one? Yes. Like, yeah, by accident. I mean, I've gotten coffee and there was a girl there that I was hitting on. I hate coffee dates, man.

I'm not on when I'm having my coffee in the morning. Yeah, it's like a 2 p.m. afternoon tea date. Give me two whiskeys and then we're good. I'm not charming in daytime, caffeinated. That's the last time I want somebody

to see me. That's when I'm buying airline tickets. I'm focused on my inbox. My coffee orders are also like, I need a lot of sugar

in my coffee. Right. You don't have a cool coffee order. Yeah, but I've got the cool drink order. Yeah, like old-fashioned with a specific whiskey. Yeah, yeah. That's like you have a cool coffee order. Yeah, but I've got like the cool drink order. Yeah, like old-fashioned with a specific whiskey.

Yeah, yeah. That's like you ordering a black coffee, and then if they want room for cream, you sort of laugh. No, I actually like the taste of coffee. And like the only order, like, can you make it extra hot? Yeah. And actually, can you make it extra black? No. Only grounds.

Can I just get a clump of grounds and I'll chew on it like tobacco? Yes. So, anti-coffee date personally, but I guess if you like it, it's fine. It's just weird to have two to vet a casual hookup. You've already not been casual about it. Yeah. To vet somebody over two coffee dates is the opposite of casual. It's really hard to nail a coffee date. Like come away and be like, that was an awesome coffee date.

Now I'm ready for dinner with you. The other type of date you dislike. I guess when you're doing a lot of dating, I feel like that's when people start doing coffee dates. Because you don't, like, you don't want to, I mean, I do, but generally, people, it's considered unhealthy to, like, get drinks five, six nights of the

week. So if you're, like, going out on that many dates and every single night is, like, alcohol. Right. It's a little, you know, it could throw you off kilter. so that's why it's nice to do coffee yeah i think it's nice for the lady because they can cut it off sooner like if you're getting drinks with a guy it's it's gonna last a second round yeah no one tea was enough yeah i've had a pre pre-date call once from a girl who said that she likes to call guys because uh she's gone on so many bad dates

it's like i would have saved time just like having a three minute conversation with you and being like never mind jesus christ did you know leading into the call that that's what it was no hey i want to call you first just to just to let you know that i uh i might cut it i might not do the date at all i remember getting the message about it. It's like, actually, can we chat on the phone first? And I wanted to say no. And I think you told me just to do it. Oh, good me.

I think. And she explained that it was like a trust thing that like she's, like I said, instantly aware if somebody is a weirdo. There's no need to like go on a date with somebody. Totally. What would you have said to say no? I would have been like, I don't subscribe to all these rules. Let's just keep it fun and whatever.

I don't need to hop on a phone call with you. I wouldn't have said that. How would you have said that? I probably just wouldn't have responded. You would have never gone out with her. Yeah, exactly. I ended up marrying that woman. Amazing. Congratulations. I was not wouldn't have responded. Oh, and you would have never gone out with her. Yeah, exactly. Cool. Yeah. And I ended up marrying that woman.

Amazing. Congratulations. I was not invited to the wedding and that sort of myths me, but I'm super happy for you. You had a plus negative one. Yeah. All right. Let's search another holiday word. Dreidel.

Dreidel. Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel. I made you out of clay. There's not a dreidel word. There's not a dreidel in our inbox. What? Yeah. No one has ever said dreidel?

I guess no one has any dreidel-related questions. My cousin just got a kitten and named it dreidel. I thought that was a really good name. Yeah, that is a good name. I'll search Hanukkah, even though it has so many different types of spells. Hanukkiah. Hanukkah is actually...

Oh, there's some questions about Hanukkah. All right. There the Jews are. Yeah. Here we are. Oh, yeah. This girl's got a real nice Jewish name, which we can't use, unfortunately.

Of course. So here's another, I'll give, let's think of another Israeli name. Sapir. Oh another Israeli name Sapir oh yeah Sapir that's a good one low key wish I this one starts with Sapir saying

low key wish I were married to either slash both of you I live in northern New Jersey shore area and since day one have loved all your videos and shit I'll just stop pretending that I don't know how this operates and start inserting Game Boy... Wait a minute.

This is... Is this a question? This might not be a question. Just a letter? Just a nice letter for us? I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Okay, then it gets starting.

I just got dumped by a guy who invited me to freaking Shabbat dinner with his whole family. I was raised Catholic and called the challah, quote, good bread. So her name couldn't have been that Jewish. I think she gave herself a Jewish name because of the theme of the question. And I thought it went great, but I was given the ax a matter of days later.

I was perfectly charming and I felt his brothers and parents liked me. But WTF? Out of nowhere, this happened. He was asking me to stay over his place each and every night. And then blammo, I was chucked to the trash like a used tampon. Please shed some Hanukkah candlelight onto my situation. So in her brain, the way the story went was she got invited to the sabbath dinner uh and days later was broken up with right i like so she thinks she nailed it but then she got broken i wonder if this is like the sabbath is his version of the predate phone call if this is sabbath is sort of a screener

yeah if you work well in a very tense environment with my entire family doing religious rituals that you're not used to, then I think we're ready to get tea. And I guess it didn't work out. I'll have to know what the guy's version of this story was. Calling the challah good bread doesn't seem like grounds for dismissal. But I wonder if it was like a, hey, we're all Jewish and she's not. And now I feel the pressure of that and I'm going to break up with her. Now I see that she'll never fit in with my Jewish family. Or is it completely unrelated? We're going to have to guess.

We don't know. Yeah. My guess is that it's completely unrelated. That'd be nice. That'd be good to think. because the other way gives her something although the other way makes it's like a regardless of how well you nailed it just because you're catholic means he didn't want to date you so it has nothing to do with you he's just uh a religious yeah i've uh whatever I hate that. I feel like he broke up with her because he didn't want to be with her anymore. I don't think that it would have had to do with the dinner itself.

You've brought ladies to family functions, quote, earlier in the game, and then just broken up with them slightly thereafter. I guess you maybe have to think about what it means to this guy to introduce you to his family. If it's something that was casual, like he's doing it, he wants you around, he wants you to sleep over, it's like, oh yeah, come, whatever. And I know that definitely with me, it was somewhat casual

because I'm close with my family and I spend a lot of time with them anyway. Right. It was casual for me to introduce people to them. But it is a meaningful thing for other people. Introducing a family in general is like, some people are like, yeah, whatever. I'll show my parents who I'm dating after three dates. And with me, I'm like, nah, if it's not a real relationship, I'm not showing somebody that i've dated even for like four months yeah yeah that's i mean that's crazy but like i i the way i treat my parents like the last step because i don't want them to like now they know who i'm dating now

they're asking me about this person it's like oh it's not as big of a deal as you think so i treat it like an important last step but you treat it as like one of the casual beginnings yeah i mean i guess i to me it's like maybe i don't know if i have like a an actual philosophy on it but it seems like perhaps i like to just make sure my family likes them right away oh interesting um but also I don't even know if that's true. I think that my family... I think you just don't care. Well, my family's also never ever...

That's not true. Have they ever vetoed? There were definitely people that they were slower to warm to. That's as mean as your mom gets, is slowness to warm to eventually love somebody yeah so I mean I definitely have full faith in my family to

embrace people that I care about right so then it's definitely not like a hurdle or a scary thing for me right alright so not D not enough information but hopefully it's not that big of a deal either way.

He doesn't like you for whatever reason. Yeah, I mean, that's the real takeaway. He did break up with you, so you can relive every single thing that led up to that and what are the reasons, but it doesn't even matter. Fuck this dude. Yeah, fuck him. I forgot we didn't even bring out the Game Boy to search these questions.

Yeah, I guess because the game... It's like a holiday version of the Game Boy. Ho, ho, ho. Oh, that's really good. That's all I got. He's just a robot with a Santa hat. That's all I can muster. All right, different holiday word.

Do we dare search a Kwanzaa-related question? Yeah, let's be uh let's let's be open open-minded uh nope nothing in our inbox about kwanzaa enough how about new year's eve oh that's a fun one what are your thoughts on new year's eve are you like the kind of guy it's like there's too much pressure fuck it or you're like yeah it's actually it is forever night i love new year's eve you're into it best yeah one of your favorite holidays it's definitely up there better than halloween looking forward to it more than halloween oh yeah i think so because there's no other costume pressure yeah because new year's eve everyone is just like look awesome you know yeah that's i like that. Be handsome. Yeah.

Get dolled up and kiss someone you love at midnight. That's perfect. That's what I want to do on Fridays anyway. All right, we got a New Year's Eve. On Fridays, I like to kiss people I hate. On the mouth. New Year's Eve guy. Name?

New Year's Steve. I love that. Steve writes, So I'm 18 and my girlfriend of a few months is 17. New Year's Eve is coming up and I've been looking forward to watching my favorite college football team play in the national semifinals with her before we ring in the new year with the first New Year's kiss for both of us. But there's a problem. She's decided to inform me the other day that she is planning on going to a frat party at a local college with a group of friends

on New Year's Eve instead. Me, not wanting to miss the football game and also having strict parents, I don't want her to go so she can be with me instead. This is a great question. She wants to go really bad, though. I don't have any issues with drinking or partying, but the thought of her hanging around a bunch of drunk frat dudes on New Year's Eve

instead of being with me just puts a bad feeling in my stomach. We talked about it for a little while, but we eventually got into a big fight. Do you think I'm wrong for feeling the way I do? What do you think I should do? Thanks a lot. Love, whatever name you might call me. New Year's Steve. New Year's Steve.

This is a great question. You're not wrong for feeling the way you do. You're wrong for acting on your dumb feelings. So what do you think is dumb about it? Everyone's feelings are dumb. Like you can... They're so hyper-personal that it's hard to empathize. Right. Jealousy. It's like everyone has it, but it's not like a good trait that we've all got. Right. Like, it's helpful in some regards. But when you are going to stay at home on New Year's Eve to watch a football game. Yeah.

And you are mad that your girlfriend's going to go to a party. Yeah. And you feel like the solution is that she also stays home and watches the football game that you want to watch. You're not right. Yeah, I feel like he these two things that he feels can't both be. He can either say, I'm putting my foot down,

I'm watching the football game, which is fine. Totally. But you're watching it by yourself. Your New Year's Eve kiss is you... Or he can say, I'm coming with you to the frat party. Well, I wonder if that's something he can say, I'm coming with you to the frat party. Well, I wonder if that's something he can say. He'll be like, if you're going to that party, I want to be there too. Yeah, I mean, as long as it's not like something she's doing with just her girlfriends and he's just like inserting himself.

But he can't also say, I want you to be with me and also I want to watch the football game. Yes. So you choose one of your two things that you have to do. Right. It's very fine for people to want to go out and party on New Year's, and it's very fine for your girlfriend not to want to watch a football game with you. So, like, exactly. You could be like, hey, let's party together on New Year's. I know that partying is important to you.

So I'll skip the game. And you are important to me, and I want to spend New Year's with you. So let's do that. Yeah. I'll skip the game. And you are important to me, and I want to spend New Year's with you. So let's do that. Yeah. Or watch the football game by your lonesome, and your girlfriend's going to go to a party. That's a real, it's like in Batman where he has to choose between whose life to save. Harvey Dent. He looks over and sees the TV playing a football game, and he looks over at his girlfriend doing a fucking keg stand.

And they both blow up. No, I wanted to go to the football game. I wanted to go to the football game because somebody gave him the address and he thought it was to the stadium, but it was actually to the frat party. Such a fucking great movie. Uh, all right,

let's take a bit of a break, come back and answer some more holiday themed questions with a holiday themed Game Boy oh thank you as well to CISO for sponsoring this episode hell yeah CISO thank you CISO

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specials like Dan Levy who was a previous guest on our show, very funny guys and you even get a free trial that's two months free for CISO if you sign up with our offer code IFIWEREYOU so check them out, go to CISO S-E up with our offer code IFIWEREYOU. So check them out. Go to CISO, S-E-E-S-O.com. Use promo code IFIWEREYOU. That's all one word. And you get two free months,

and then it's just $3.99 a month after that. Amazing. That is insanely affordable. What a great value. What an amazing company. And if you're listening to this over the holidays, you're probably at home without much to do. So why don't you fill up that time with some grade A laughter. Har har har har. And start with CISO. S-E-E-S-O dot com. Promo code IFIWEREYOU.

Thanks to CISO for sponsoring. CISO's our last sponsor of 2016. See you guys next year. Let's do a montage of all the sponsors that we had set to Vitamin C's graduation song. So it would just be the HeadGum store in this? Oh, for the whole year. Oh, the whole year? As we go on.

Nature Box. We remember. Squarespace. All the times we. Mile IQ. Had to gather. Wow, what a deep pull. I love that.

Thank you to all our sponsors. Thank you to CISO. Let's get back to the episode now. And as our lives change. And we are back. And we are going back to Australia. This is the first episode, I think, that it will come out after our tickets are available for our return shows in Australia. Hell yes.

I cannot wait to come back. Do you know I had Vegemite with breakfast yesterday? Oh, really? You're getting back in the mood. Getting back in the mood. I have missed that place very much. So we went to Australia with Streeter two years ago and two things are changing. One, we decided to come back

when it was warmer, hence the March date. Smart on us. Yeah, so it's March 16th in Melbourne, March 18th in Sydney. And then we eliminated three of the five shows. That wasn't just

because we didn't want to. Well, that's the difference. We're only doing two big shows, one in Melbourne, one in Sydney. Unfortunately, we can't go back to Brisbane, Adelaide, and Perth. Yeah, but you guys, we all know it's a quick jaunt from Perth to Sydney. Yeah, we've been on that flight. It's a quick 4.43. You're in and out, off the plane, partying with us in Sydney.

So hopefully if you live in or around those cities, you will come see us. It's going to be Streeter doing stand-up, us doing our live show, but really it's so much more than that. Yeah, we have fun. And we have extra fun with you guys. Last time, that

was when I tried crowd surfing for a couple times. Yeah, that was a fun one. In Melbourne, it failed. In Sydney, it worked. I think Sydney is the same theater. We're going back to the Metro Theater. And in Melbourne, we're going to the Athenaeum Theater. Definitely mispronounced that.

Athenium. Athenium. Athenium. Athenian. But the tickets information. Athenian? Athenian? I don't know.

Plus the accent. I'm so far off, I bet. Right. Remember, we mispronounced Melbourne for a long time when we were doing it before. Yeah, that was a bad situation, too. Embarrassing. But tickets available at ifireeshow.com or jakeandamir.com. We're probably heavily promoting it at this point.

Not too many tickets for these shows. And we're only doing one show in each city, so you want to snag them ASAP. I believe we sold out both of those cities last time, so do it now. That's also true. So we'll see you guys down under hopefully very soon.

Other than that, I don't know what else there is to say. I mean, we're in the middle of our holiday season. It's, it's, we'll have some more stuff to talk about in January, I'm sure. Yeah. Keeping busy. Uh, all right. You want to search some more questions?

Let's search Santa. Oh, now we're talking. I love Santa, man. What? Santa's awesome. Why? He gets me guests, dude. What? I love Santa me guests, dude. What?

I love Santa. Oh, God. Claus? No, I know. Do you know him? Santa? Claus? Yes.

Yes, I know Santa Claus. Santa Claus. I'm just... Old jolly Saint Nick. Saint Nicholas himself. Yeah, he has a bunch of elves that help make the toys, and then he- All right. I found a Santa Claus.

I was just letting you know who he was, and I didn't know if you- Sleigh, flying reindeer, North Pole. A lady. A lady. You know that guy? Mrs. Claus. That's his wife. You do.

All right. Good shit. Mrs. Claus writes, my mom- Motherfucker loves cookies. And milk. He can't get enough milk. Big ass white beard, red hat, red pants, red jacket, black boots. You've seen the guy.

Big buckle, Cadillac. Kenny Canes. All right, go ahead. My mom told me about a month ago that she wanted Billy Joel tickets for my dad, or from my dad for Christmas. They're children and I have to coordinate these things. So bam, like the best daughter I am, I helped my dad find tickets, and he happily bought them. And they weren't cheap.

Fast forward a couple weeks, and my mom is suddenly freaking out about money, saying how things are tight, and to tell my dad not to get her anything for Christmas. Just a bit of a backstory. My dad is completely clueless when it comes to finances, so my diva mom whining about bills doesn't faze him. Anyway, I wanted to say to my mom, um, do you not remember that you specifically told me that it was number one on your wish list,

but I just kept my mouth shut. So what should I do? It's not like my dad is going to sell the tickets. He already thinks he's a god for getting them in the first place. I'm thinking I should maybe remind slash warn my mom so she doesn't have a bad reaction on Christmas morning. But I'm sure my dad would be bummed

if he found out that I ruined the surprise. So what would you do? Help a sister out for this first worldliness of first world problems. Oh, this is a nice question.

Yeah. It's complex. It's complex, but I think I know the answer. Okay. Don't say or do anything. The tickets are good. The present is perfect.

People freak out about money and then stop all the time. You know, I think that this, the money freak out is not going to last as long as the desire to see Billy Joel in concert.

Whoa, uptown girl. Sorry, it says Billy Joe Armstrong. Oh, awesome. Don't want to be an American idiot. I keep misreading it. Billy Idol. Oh, I miss dancing with myself. When I had the chance, I'd ask the world to dance. I'd be dancing with myself. When I had the chance, I'd ask the world to dance.

I'd be dancing with myself. Celine Dion. On a jukebox. Once more, you open the door. People often say, I wish you wouldn't get me that gift, but I don't think you can actually get mad

at somebody. You shouldn't have. Yeah. I don't think people actually get mad at somebody. You shouldn't have. Yeah. I don't think people actually get mad at gifts. I think they get polite mad. Yeah. Like it's like, oh my God, why'd you do this? No, you really shouldn't have gotten this for me.

I don't know anybody who's like, why did you do this? You really should not have done this. Don't give it to me. Yeah, I'm sure that's happened because people are awful. But I've never personally heard a story of it happening. I'm mad at you. I think that your dad's going to give her the concert tickets. It's going to be great.

She's going to forget about money momentarily because she'll be so excited to see Mr. Joel. And if she wants, she can sell the tickets because it's her gift now and she can sell it for cash. You can always sell the tickets later for double face. Actually, I'll pay you triple face because I'm on the hub right now. And I will pay you face. What does that mean? I don't know. That's the best part. I wish you didn't ask.

All right. I'm going to search latke. Ooh, very nice. Nothing. Really? There's one, but it's a uh theme song submission cool uh what's another hanukkah thing uh dreidel dreidel we fucking i know i'm just kidding dude elijah uh we're grasping at prof prophets uh uh what's another fucking hanukkah thing or christmas

thing or tree christmas tree yeah christmas tree elf christmas has a million things hanukkah thing or Christmas thing or tree Christmas tree yeah Christmas tree elf Christmas has a million things Hanukkah is the one that has fucking three search Maccabee and oil oil any oil related question or maybe it'll be a miracle and this oil question will last for eight episodes. Imagine an oil question. Oh, no oil. We are out of oil. Oh, here's an oil. All right, we got an oil question.

What happened on the eighth day when the oil lasted eight days and then it ran out? Yeah. Did they have more oil by that time? They had moil oil at that point. Really? Yeah. At that poil and toil, they had more oil. What a coil.

Yeah. There was, I was listening, I was at Two Jews Talking, which is a podcast on the HeadGum Network, and they did a Hanukkah episode, and they were talking about the origin of dreidel, how like Jews used to study, but then like if somebody bad was walking by, they had to be like pretend to be playing games, and that's what the dreidel was. Oh. Which is kind of like the opposite of like what do now, where it's like, they're playing games, and then somebody comes like, oh shit, we were studying, we were studying. Back then, studying was considered so good that they had to hide it by playing games. That's crazy.

Thank God those Jews are just playing dreidel, the best game, a top. All right, here's an oil-related question. From, let's call her related question from let's call her actually let's call her latke all right actually let's call her sufganiyah which means jelly donut hi my name is sufganiyah and i'm a 19 year old sophomore in college i'm a sociology major and as a result i have become more socially conscious and politically liberal. My boyfriend of a year and a half who I met in college is essentially the opposite. He is a conservative Republican and all about big corporations. Specifically, his career goal is to be a lobbyist for a big oil or tobacco company

while I would like to work for a non-profit. My question is, do you think we are doomed in the future? We get along in literally every other way. We love spending time together, smoking and watching Adventure Time, hiking, sailing, playing with animals. In every other respect, we totally click. It's just the political thing that comes up

and we tend to butt heads, but we are still respectful. Are our differences too significant to work out, especially career-wise in the future? I'd love to hear your advice. Yes. Break up with this fucking idiot the future. I'd love to hear your advice. Yes. Break up with this fucking idiot. Really?

I was going to say no. Oh, yeah. Do it. Break up with him. Dude, he wants to be a lobbyist for a tobacco company? Yeah, but... Fuck you, man. But they get along in every other way. No, they don't.

Yeah, they do. They said they smoke and watch Adventure Time. They like hiking, sailing. So they both like cigarettes. Yeah. What if she also likes smoking? Okay. Yeah, they do. They said they smoke and watch Adventure Time. They like hiking, sailing. So they both like cigarettes. Yeah. What if she also likes smoking? Okay. That's one thing.

Yeah. He wants to work for a company that murders people. Oh, this is so cut and dry for you, isn't it? You bleeding heart liberal. I have a bleeding heart liberal. How dare you not see the gray area? There is no gray area. Tobacco is actually pretty good for you.

You take away the nicotine. No, it's not. And big oil? Yeah, what kind of car do you drive? A gas-guzzling Toyota Tacoma. I actually drive a Leaf. What? And not the car.

Did you see me earlier today sort of drifting down towards work on a fucking maple leaf? I think if you get along in literally any other way, and this other thing is not forcing you to have a lot of big fights, you're not doomed for the future. I think you're doomed for the future. I think that people get more set in their ways as they get older. And this rift is small now, but it's going to grow and grow and grow. And this is like right now,

all he wants, he wants to be a lobbyist. Imagine when you are with the lobbyist. Yeah. Or it's going to be like one of his things where he's just saying that to like get under your skin. I don't know. How do you,

what is one want to be a lobbyist? Like, is that a thing that you want to do? Is that a thing that happens? Or do you just like really like money i yeah i have no idea i still don't entirely know what a lobbyist does i know they try to win influence or whatever but like how do they why does that get them money yeah are they actually in the lobby is that how it starts like congressmen are going into congress and there's a guy in the lobby he He's like, can I talk to you?

I'm a lobbyist. I'm a lobbyist. I'm here because I like cigarettes, and I know you do too. Actually, smacking a pack, packing a smack. Why don't we go outside and fire a couple of these bad boys up? You know, I like to smoke them two at a time. All right. Two different thoughts.

Cigarettes give you cancer everybody that's that's not the argument here uh all right what's another let's get through one or two more uh holiday themed game boy quest uh search results uh ornament ornament for those of you joining for the first time i'm searching our gmail inbox so people will email us ifireyoushow at gmail.com. And we have thousands of emails in here. And now we're just searching our Gmail for specific questions. No ornament. No ornament?

No, no ornament. Good Lord. Little drummer boy. Holy shit, there's a million. I bet Little Drummer Boy might be in there. No. Give it a shot. I did.

Give it another shot. It worked! Silent Night. Very nice. Holy Night. Do you know that song? Silent night, holy night. Just a yes or a no is suffice.

Sleep in heavenly peace. I'm going to search Santa Claus. Okay. Didn't we already do that? Did we? No, we didn't search Santa Claus. Ooh. All right.

We got one Santa Claus question. The Game Boy has won. Hell yeah. Only one Santa? Yeah. The rest is just like spam. Alright. Day one listener, new friend caller, let's call this guy Santa

Claus. Recently I began dating my high school crush several years after we both graduated from high school. She's a goddamn dime. Super sweet and intelligent, essentially the girl of my dreams. While she went to university and studied political science after high school, I found a good job paying, this is like the opposite of what we just read, I found a good paying job and began investing in real estate without pursuing a higher education.

Cut to the present where I own a lot of properties in our hometown and she has recently moved in with me with a lot of student debt. She has not so subtly hinted that i should be using my extra income to pay off her debt but i was very straight up about my desire to not pay for her years of education should i suck it up and pay student oh should i suck it up and play the student debt santa claus to this girl or stick to my guns and make her work it off herself. P.S. We are both 24 years old. Don't go paying off your girlfriend's debt. That's not, no. You're not going to do that.

What about fiancé? I think fiancé and wife, when you've made that kind of commitment to each other, then it becomes a little more normal. If you're just boyfriend and girlfriend and you're paying off her fucking student debt, that's crazy to me. That's, yeah. I mean, but is it that, I mean, I agree that it's not great, but is it that far removed than like a boyfriend and girlfriend living together and the boy pays a little bit more in rent because he makes more money? It is far enough.

Yeah. It's far removed from that. Because you're, I mean, the guy is still paying less rent and it's like, you know, I love you. Everybody pays what they can. Right. Not I love you. I'm going to pay off your creditors. Letter to the creditor.

But what if it's not the whole student debt? $50 a month, $100 a month, baby, anything you can give. No, you got to draw the line. You can't do that. And she shouldn't be asking you. I think it's one thing. It's almost like it's a separate thing to me whether or not he should do it and whether or not she should have even asked. Oh, so you're offended that she asked. She is not so subtly hinted at is what she said.

Yeah, I don't think that she should be putting you in that position. I mean, maybe a solution without be putting you in that position. I mean, maybe a solution without straight up putting your foot down. Also, I would, first of all, I would just never,

ever even bring it up. She can not so subtly hint all she wants. Just don't take the hint. I know what you're going to say, but you're going to say sexual favors for the cash, right? So like 50 bucks

for a blowjob and like 20 bucks for anal. And then like at the end, you add up the tab and like pay off the student debt based on how much she blew you is that what you're gonna say there's i think that's kind of there's a chance that a wide swath of our listeners are very effective about what you just said i was just guessing i think that uh you could give her some kind of a job like being – if he owns a lot of property, like you say, why don't you be the landlord for this place and you can earn a little bit of passive income? Just the same way that you've made a lot of money off of real estate. She can enter into that by being the landlord for one of your properties.

So you're saying ostensibly hire her. Yeah, and put her in a position of power where she can earn some money to pay off her student debt. I don't think this guy should just be like straight up sugar-deadying and giving her money for the student debt. So you're saying maybe she works for you instead of just gets free money for you. Yeah. Isn't that also kind of a sticky situation if she's your employee? Yeah, but I don't think that this would be like a straight up employee thing this would be like i'll let you run this house and you can keep some of this money but you're saying once they do decide

to get married that debt is now shared i think that once once they decide to get married i don't i guess i don't think it's like automatically, but I think it's a much more worthwhile conversation to have then. If you want to raise a family and one of the members of the family is in debt and you have the means, then it makes sense to me. really don't mind having avoided since i'm uh leaving leading a loveless life without a wife is one planning a wedding seems terribly stressful to me and two the idea of like figuring out the financial implications of a prenuptial agreement basically saying like if you leave me you don't get half of my money yeah those both seem like things that I don't mind having not dealt with in my life. I think that, to me,

planning a wedding seems like the most fun part. You get to plan a huge party. That's great. I love planning parties. Prenup does sound awful, which is exactly why I'll never do it. And I'll just regret it later on when I get divorced. Yeah, that's sort of your attitude.

It's like, why deal with stress now? Hopefully it doesn't ever come back to bite me in the butt. Yeah. But I mean, like, I also, I'm hopeful enough that I'm going to be fucking loaded that when I lose half my money, it won't matter. Yeah, and I'm hopeful enough that I'm going to be dating someone who's going to be a straight-up billionaire. And they're the one who's going to fucking desperately want to sign a prenup.

And you're going to say, don't you love me, baby? You think I'm in it just for the cash? And as they're responding. She's a 98-year-old oil tycoon's mistress. All I see is a bag of cash with a tongue. And that's the only orifice i care about because i like to kiss estelle she's still a 98 year old uh all right so that's the general advice is not to do it unless you're willing to commit to live with your person for the rest of your life and then at

that point you can have a separate conversation about whether this debt is shared or not. Would you do a joint checking? Would you go that far? What's the default? Is the default no prenup or prenup? And is the default joint checking or not? I'm not sure. It feels like it's so different now. Yeah.

I mean, I would just... Holler we want prenup. To join my checking with somebody it seems so complicated like i'd rather just have my own and she could have her own and if she needs money then i'll just like wire i don't know a wire transfer it does but then isn't that weird to imagine your parents having two separate bank accounts yeah i mean i don't i yeah i don't know I don't, I, yeah, I don't know. I don't, I can't imagine my mom like logging on and looking at her bank account. So, but that's just because she never has had a bank. I think that my dad just has it and my mom has cards for it.

We should talk to her. She's, she's, we're hoping to get her on the podcast next week. We can talk to her all about her financial situation. Oh, that'd be great. Let's fucking audit her. She'd love that. Let's audit her on the next episode she would totally so we'll pull up the savings account and be like do you remember this transaction i'll read my dad's credit card uh number uh aloud on the next episode oh then everyone can sort of go through and everyone can use my daddy's money like i do freely thank you santa sam to claws sam to claws I do. Freely. Thank you, Santa Claus. Santa Claus.

Santa Clown. My father's a clown. I thought you liked him. He's all right. You're all over the place, man. I love it. I love Santa. All right.

Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Happy New Year. Good Kwanzaa. Happy New Year coming up, regardless of when you listen to this episode. Thank you, guys, for listening. Another year of If I Were You in the books. Hell yeah.

We appreciate your continued patronage. Thank you for telling people about the show. Thank you for listening yourself. Thank you for submitting questions and submitting theme songs for us to use at the beginning and end of every episode. The opening one was written by Jackson Booth, the Eminem parody. This closer is written by Rafe, R-A-F-E. I think he had something that he wanted to talk about. Oh, Rafe? That's my boy. Really?

Yeah, Rafe Mollick. Yeah, how do you know that? He hit me up a long time ago when I was an intern at CollegeHumor. Oh, cool. So, RafeSongs.com is his URL. Check him out. He writes some good songs. We'll be back next year. 2018. What?

Holy shit, we're taking a year off. No, we'll be back on Monday. Later, everybody. Jake and Amir, the podcast show is here. And it's pretty clear they're gonna help you. If you wanna save the world, if you want to get that girl, they'll tell you what you need to know,

which is you're young and your problems don't matter yet. So get laid. And they're Jewish.