Segments - 252: eTemple (w/Laura Hurwitz!)

Episode Date: January 2, 2017

Jake's mother joins us to discuss parenthood, religion, and Jake's biggest fears. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox and Casper! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Stretching the definition of what music can be. Laura Hurwitz, what did you think? I actually thought that was, like, catchy. Like, It's kind

of stuck in my head. That was actually written by somebody who does jazz medley slash remixes of people like Childish Cambino and Kanye, who I assume are two of your favorite rappers. Absolutely. Absolutely. No, that was really cool.

I mean, just when you thought you had it, it like eluded you. Right. That was that was really cool. I mean, just when you thought you had it, it like eluded you. Right. Not unlike jazz. Just when you think you understand it, it goes to a different place. And that person's SoundCloud, if you want to hear those remixes, is soundcloud.com slash willy, willy, willy, willy. That's four willies in a row, back to back, W-I-L-L-Y. Smart. Easy to remember. Laura, Jake's mom.

That's right. My mother's in the studio. So treat her with respect and deference, please. What do you mean deference? I don't know. She's the English teacher. I just said it for reference. And reverence.

Is this your third time on our show? I think it's third or fourth, perhaps. It could be fourth, because I think she did it twice in New York and once here in L.A. Oh, yeah. I think that's true. We recorded at your house once. That's right, in that horrible little shed in the backyard. That's right.

It smelled like mold and mildew. That was fun. That shed is still there, and it still kind of smells like mold and mildew, right? Yeah. Worse than it did before. Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Only gone downhill.

You should get that checked out. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I think we should get it raised. What does that mean? Leveled. Leveled up. Raised another level.

Oh, like the entire, the idea of the shed to be raised one level. We should all be living in the shed in a way we are uh well thank you for coming back on our show oh god thank you for having me um i love it here i don't want to leave just the studio the show she's talking about los angeles right no i either one either one but i mean la in particular that's actually what I was talking about. I don't want to go. I mean, I really don't. I feel like I'm going to be like people are going to be dragging my legs and I'm going to be clutching on something. I wouldn't want to go home either if I was married to fucking dad. What? If I was married to my dad, I wouldn't want to go home either.

Oh my God. He is the best. He is the best. You know that. No, Jake just means it's weird to marry your own father. Can you imagine if I was married to my dad? Yeah, that would be weird. I wouldn't want to go home to dad either. No fucking way. I mean, that's illegal. Have you always loved LA or is this just a recent love affair?

You know what? It's kind of recent. Don't say the word affair in front of my mother. You're trying to plant all these weird inception ideas, seeds. So stop it. Rescind the question. Have you always liked Los Angeles? You know, I think... The tread light list. I'm already treading pretty darn lightly.

I think I grew to like it over the past time that Jake's been out here. Oh, really? Because we used to live in Palo Alto. Yeah. And I loved it up there, but I always thought LA was kind of weird. Yeah. But I don't feel like that. Sorry about that.

Continue. I don't feel like that anymore. I really, I mean, I just, I love it. I don't know. The energy here, it's really great. People are so friendly. It's crazy. Like you go anywhere, people say, you know, hi, how are you?

My mom is the rudest person in Los Angeles. And that's saying a lot. That really is saying a whole lot. Yeah, most people don't say that about LA. Most people come to LA, it's like everyone's so like apathetic and rude and disinterested. Oh my God, no. I mean, I went out this morning for a walk and people did not shut up. But it was so sweet.

Like this woman's telling me about her dog and this, I was telling Jake, this guy was harassing me earlier because- And you loved it. I loved it. But it was like actually sweet. I was walking down the street and the sidewalk was narrow and he saw me coming and I turned around just to give him room. And then he was saying, you know, you don't need to leave. You can stay here. I mean, he really tried to engage me. Tell me where that guy is.

I'm going to kick his ass. You're very sweet. Does it ever get to the point where like uh even uh somebody sweet annoys you like when you said somebody walked up to me talked to me about their dog um like that would annoy me would did it would it ever get to the point like after a few hours where you're just like leave me alone or you're just like this is great i love talking to strangers i think i'm always this is great i love talking to strangers um i don't know. I think that's from living in New Haven where people like avert their eyes. Nobody talks to anyone. It's just not a friendly place.

It's a town filled with people like me. Maybe we should switch places. I think so. Yeah. I mean, when you came to New Haven, though, remember you saw a friend from California. Oh, yeah. And I just put my head down and said, keep walking, brother. I don't need this right now. So you've been on the show before, so you understand that this is an advice podcast. Yes, sir, I do. So we do our best to answer these emails that come in from confused people all throughout the world. If you have your own question, it's ifireyoushow at gmail.com.

So we found a few questions today that hopefully you can help us answer uh i tried to search for questions that maybe jake and i wouldn't have the same level of wisdom as you because it comes from like a parental standpoint but then you're the smartest lady in the world mama i love you. No one's smarter than my mama. All right. Okay, so. She's a genius. Oh, my God. Got it. I love you, mama.

Oh, Jake. So. A real scholar right here. Yeah. Let me get to the first question, which is. Of course. She'll have the answer. All right.

Well, there's no right or wrong. It's just someone's opinion and i do adore her yep uh so this email comes from a 24 year old female who's happily married to her soulmate wow she's young that's right do you have a do you have a name that we can refer to this person as um let's call her Michelle. That's really nice. Michelle writes, I'm a 24-year-old female and I'm married to my soulmate. See, I wasn't lying. Congrats. Everything is fantastic. We have our own house, stable careers, small business,

nice cars, and dogs. We're perfectly satisfied with what we have. But here's the problem. For some reason, people are always asking if and when we are going to have kids. Literally everyone, friends, family, co-workers, even strangers. It's as if our lives won't be valid until we have children. Well, we aren't going to, ever. I have known my whole life that kids are not for me and my husband is on the same page. After people ask this base question, they always take it a step or two further. Some even go on to ask, why not? To which I could easily respond to a list of a thousand reasons why not to have kids. One, overpopulation. Two, free time, money, sleep, traveling the world, race car stuff, the emo phase, plus all the small things.

All the small things. I blasted that song throughout my house for a long time. That makes sense. It's true. Explaining why we don't want to have kids to people who just don't get it is bad enough. But then some people go on to tell me that I will change my mind. Or even worse, they try to convince me that I should try to have kids. One time someone even tried to make me hold their baby in an attempt to give me baby fever. Ew.

No thank you. So my question is... I dropped it promptly. Not interested. So my question to you is this. What would be a good way to respond to people if and when we plan on having kids that will shut down any follow-up questions or comments they may have for me without straight up telling them to just mind their own goddamn business?

P.S. Jake, what do you think of the new Blink-182 album? Is it even Blink without Tom? It's really funny that I sing Tom Blink-182 song. Yeah, well, the subject line of this email is actually all the small things. Oh, really? Yeah. That is so interesting.

So do you want to answer that Blink-182 question first? It's not the same without Tom. Okay. But you can still listen to Angels and Airwaves and get all the Tom that you want. So, Laura, do you sympathize or remember a time where this was the case with you? How long were you married before you had kids? Seven years, actually. So it was quite a while.

She was also married when she was 19. Yeah, I was married really, really young. Teenager. I was in college still. You were like a sophomore in college. Was that normal or were your parents like, what the hell are you doing? No, it was kind of not normal, but my parents were okay with it. They had this rule that we couldn't live with anyone until, like, we couldn't live with a prospective spouse. They wanted all of their kids to be married.

Oh, is that a religious thing? Sort of, probably a little bit. And just kind of a prudish 1950s thing. Yes. It was strange. So did Sam propose because he wanted to live with you faster? No, I don't think so. I don't know.

He graduated from college and he was going to medical school, so we just kind of decided that it was a good time to get married. It saved on college. I didn't have to pay for my dorm for room and board. Oh, wow, because you just lived with him. So I lived with him and I commuted to school. Did your parents like your husband-to-be? Yeah, they really did.

I think his parents had... What did they see in him that I don't? He's so smart and all that stuff. I mean, they really liked him a lot. You're smarter than he is. Jake's taking apart a Barbie right now. Just the head. Sort of ripping hair

out of a cabbage patch doll. He's a disgruntled youth. So they were like, this is great. Marry this guy. Yeah, they were okay with it. They really were. I think Sam's parents

had a bigger problem with me. Really? Because my mother's a shiksa. Yeah, because I'm a shiksa. Oh, and they wanted him to find a kiss. That's right. I'm part Christian.

You can call me Christian. Christian part. Yeah, so that was a problem, but I didn't convert. What did they want you to? They wanted me to convert, and I started conversion classes, but then I'm not really religious, and it just seemed like so much work to go through. And I mean, you know, it just didn't seem like it was worth my time. So the kids all were, I had them converted.

Like they were mikved. We went through the whole process. Wow, I bathed with a rabbi. Yeah, it was pretty heavy duty because Sam's conservative. Is he still conservative? He doesn't strike me as extremely religious that hasn't been to temple since my bar mitzvah he had a little bit of a i don't even know if i should say this but he had a little bit of a falling out with a rabbi really yeah and he still

watches services like yom kippur he sits in front of his computer and he watches, I think, some temple in New York. He'll watch it. Did you know that? No. He does. That's not religious. Jake starts crying. This is actually upsetting me. Everything else is kind of silly, but my God, attending an e-temple. Yeah, he's attending an e-temple. Yeah. I think he just feels like that on Yom Kippur.

Right. That's a big holiday for him. I mean, you know, it just like- That's the important one. The gravitas. Yeah, I think he just feels like that on Yom Kippur. Right. That's a big holiday for him. I mean, you know, it just like... That's the important one. The gravitas. Yeah, yeah. Like if you only go once a year, it should be then. That's it. Because Passover, I mean, you know, we do the whole Haggadah.

We do all that thing, but it's kind of more lighthearted. Right, as Passover is. Yeah, right. So when you were married for seven years without kids, did people ask you, hey, when is this happening? Yeah, they did. They did. And we really wanted kids. So that's, I mean, I always said that, you know, soon.

Yeah, so that kind of got me out of a lot of things. That seems like a decent answer for this girl. Just say soon. I mean, she's 24. She's got a lot of time to say soon. Yeah. And then at 30, it's like, okay, I've decided not to have children. Yeah, I guess then you've been lying to everybody.

I think that it's time that we should start taking it back. Just be like, I'm not going to have any. No apologies. Yeah. No, I'm not going to. And they say, why not? Because I don't want to. I don't want them.

I don't want the babies. A lot of reasons. A lot of reasons. And then shut it down. But if she really wants to close people down from asking questions, though, she can say, oh, we can't have kids. Oh, that's weird. And usually people are ashamed into not saying anything more.

I wish we could. Yeah. But that's actually pretty good because you just say, we can't have kids. We can't. And then it's like, oh, my goodness. I'm so sorry. Like, you don't want to press. Yeah.

And it's not like a medical reason. But really it's like, no, I can't handle it. I can't handle having kids. We can't have kids. It would suck too much. That's funny. That's a funny tweet. I just found out I can't have children.

They would suck too much. I should bring it. I'd dust off the old Twitter. Are you of the quote-unquote old-fashioned way of thinking where it's like, why don't you want to have kids? Isn't that the whole point? Or do you understand? I totally understand. And I don't know, things being the way they are now, I don't know how I would feel about having kids, quite honestly.

Oh, really? Yeah. I think the world's like, you know, pretty messed. Oh, it's fucked. Yeah. Yeah. Like if you could go back in time, you would maybe have three of your six children. I actually would.

I would still have those six kids. I mean, I feel like they're like. Even Rachel? Chick's a joke. Easy does it. I feel like if you. Easy fucking does it for themselves. You're setting me up. It's Goddamn flesh and blood you're talking about

You can talk about Liza like that But not Rachel Alright Liza's a joke Oh my god you guys What? But I mean I feel like I had six like really good Contributing I mean they're Really good people

I guess when you go into it, you don't know how your kids are going to turn out. So I don't know. I certainly didn't intentionally have six kids. I mean, that was just like, you know. Dumb luck. Dumb luck. Me and Hannah were actually the only on-purpose babies. You have four tiny little mistakes after. Scampering

about. The perfect two. Hither and thither. Hannah, Jake, uh one through four mistake her wits two out of six ain't bad that was like lebron in the finals and nobody sort of gave him any guff uh i think that's the best advice to say we can't yeah yeah i mean it really does just kind of shut people down. They don't pry. Yeah. They're polite. And then it's funny.

It's like, imagine if someone's saying, we can't. And then you say, why not? Why not? What gives? And you sort of poke and prod at the woman's womb. Is it you or him, sweetheart? Let me take a look at his nuts. Oh, all right, cool.

Here is another question from a guy. This question is from a man in Pittsburgh. Do you have a Pittsburghian guy's name? Well, actually, see, I'm going with this election theme. So I had Michelle, and now I want Bernie. Bernie? Yeah. All right.

We're feeling the burn. We're feeling the burn. This is Bernie from Yeah. All right. We're feeling the burn. We're feeling the burn. This is Bernie from Pittsburgh. Recently, I've realized that like REM, I am losing my religion. My parents are regular church-going Christians and have always brought me to church under the assumption that I too am Christian, like they raised me. I cannot stand to sit in church any longer and I'm tired of them signing me up for church-related events.

How do I tell them about my lack of faith? I know it would disappoint them and they might get angry. What should I do? Should I man up and go to church for the next two years until I go to college and can move out? Or should I tell them now? Thanks, guys. Love, Bernie. Wow, that's interesting. I think manning up would not be just going to church. I feel like that would be the opposite of it. Of manning up. Yeah. I mean, even though that's- Should I man up and just do whatever they tell me to do?

Man up and be a sheep? Yeah. Sheep up and be a man. Sheep up, men. I think that's a, I mean, that's a tough question. Are you more or less religious than your parents were? Oh, way less. Way less. Like, I am, I say I'm an agnostic because I want to have, you know, like a little bit of an out in case God does prove himself or herself to, or whatever to me.

I didn't say I didn't believe. I just said I didn't know. I didn't know. As he throws you into hell. I'm still questioning. still questioning yeah that's it you should have been sure later laura oh yeah brother macho man god uh so did you have to ever tell your parents like by the way i'm not as religious as you um i think they figured that out kind of somewhere along the line. I mean, I went through, like, church and confirmation, and I did all those things. And I even taught Sunday school.

You taught Sunday school? Yeah, isn't that weird? That's pretty intense. Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty intense. But my heart was never – and I always felt like I was sort of telling stories. Yeah. And I was amusing kids by telling these far out fiction folk tales.

Yeah, it's like Aesop's fables or something. That's how real they felt to me. Yeah. No, I always think, I mean, it doesn't, I think organized religion is just a tough sell if you're at all a person who thinks a lot you know tends to overthink things and i do like too critical of a thinker to believe blindly yeah to have faith in this whatever yeah to have faith period but you have it seems like you do have faith um i have a lot less faith this year than i've had at other points in my life. You're this close to believing in God. Yeah, or at least in like the human principle or something.

Maybe he could prove himself to you by striking Donald Trump with lightning. That would work. And delivering us the president we all wanted, Mike Pence. Mike Pence, none the richer. Yeah, I think God would have to strike down like... A whole line of people. Yeah, I think God would have to strike down like... A whole line of people. Yeah, like 24 people. How far do you have to go down to get to somebody?

Well, I guess if... I bet if the top even three people were struck by lightning and died, we would do some type of real examining of the whole thing. Yeah, like what's going on here? I don't think the pro-president Tempore steps up after Trump hence. Hard pass from Paul Ryan. Oh, shit.

You know what? I don't want the job. Like, three lightning strikes and then everybody else is probably like, I'm not gonna pass, pass, pass. And then they'll all be putting Hillary up there. Oh, that'd be good. Okay, waiting for her. Strike her, God! Right, now it Hillary up there. Oh, that would be good. Okay, waiting for her. Strike her, God. Right, now it's her turn.

It seems that children are less religious from their parents. Or is it just a, in your expertise, is it I want to do the opposite? Like do atheist parents create faithful children? Right, well, we have little religious kids. Right. Is it like I'm going against what my parents think? They don't know the real me? Or is it like we're all becoming less and less religious? I'm wondering. I don't know. My brother is kind of more religious, I believe, than my parents were.

Oh, really? More so than your parents? Yeah, I think so. I was raised congregationalist, and he married a woman who was Episcopalian, and he's like a deacon in the church. I mean, he takes it really seriously. Am I a congregationalist? I mean, half at least. What kind of Christian am I, Mama? That would be the kind that you – I mean, that's what we are. They're kind of like Puritans, but modern-day.

Modern-day Puritans. That's kind of it. It's a lot nicer than a filthy Jew. You never really hear about, like, can your parents be so religiously Christian that they would be disappointed in you marrying a Jewish person? I don't really hear about that. I think my parents were super open-minded and not actually congregationalists or like the first ones to be like open and affirming with like gay marriage and stuff like that. They're very. Got it. Yeah. So it's a stuff like that. They're very. Got it. Yeah.

So it's a very like liberal form of Protestantism. Yeah. So, yeah, I think other parents might have been upset. Like if I were raised like a strict Catholic or something. They'd be like. Really like you cannot marry a Jewish person. That actually, yeah, that probably would have upset them. And I know, you know, Sam's family was definitely a lot more upset about the other way around,

because I know it's matrilineal. And there's a whole bunch of... And then where did your children lie on the gamut? If it's like Christianity on one side, Jews on the other, are they all relatively clumped in the middle? I feel like it. Jake, you might, I don't know how, what your feeling is about that, but I mean, do you feel like you're, you all got your bar and bat mitzvahs. Do I feel like I'm religious? Are you religious at all? No, I'm a vehement, I vehemently believe that God does not exist.

He's not even, he doesn't even want the out. Yeah. He doesn't want the out. I'm good without the out. Wow. You're that certain. You'll risk hell and high water. That's the worst kind of water. Hell and hard water.

Maybe I shouldn't say I'm a vehement atheist because I feel like some atheists are like really want to push that on everybody too. I don't give a fuck at all. Really? That's awesome, dude. But what about your siblings? Are they more like you? I mean, Eliza, this is an interesting thing.

Eliza's always praying for things. Oh, she's not really. This is crazy. Do not bother. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. She does. She says that as a joke.

Nobody in the family is religious. I don't know. Do you think Eliza's actually praying? I actually think she might be. I'm just saying. No, Eliza just thinks it's religious. I don't know. Do you think Liza's actually praying? I actually think she might be. I'm just saying. No, Liza just thinks it's stupid. Liza was a nun for Halloween, too. Do you think that makes her like...

I don't know. I sort of think it might a little. Let's get Liza on the horn. Let's fucking figure this out. No, of course not. She's not religious. Nobody in the family is religious. No family of mine.

I didn't even know that... I'm honestly skeptical that my father attends an E-temple. He does. I'm going to text him. I'm going to text him right now. We'll find out after the break. Yeah, that'd be good. Actually, I think he has a really busy day today at work. Yeah, but –

So we better call him. He might ignore the text. Actually, I'll have a rabbi FaceTime him. So the question here specifically is how do I tell them about my lack of faith? I think he should just tell them how he feels. I think he might be surprised. I mean, it depends on how dogmatic they are. But I know if one of my kids came to me, like, I wasn't upset at all to hear Jake say that he's a complete, you know, a vehement atheist. I mean, that I think everyone kind of has to form his or her opinion.

Oh, you didn't know that about Jake specifically? I actually didn't. I thought that Jake was a little more like kind of spiritual or something. I am spiritual, but that means I believe in like the beauty of the universe and life more than i don't believe that that god did anything i think the world's crazy and cool enough on its own without being like some uh some somebody created it in six days like that's i don't think that's true yeah it's probably closer to seven right well because if you count the rest there's the rest. Which you do if you're pumping iron. You have to let your muscles grow,

God. Don't blow your load on six full days without a single rest. Isn't it funny? He created the world in six days and on the seventh day

he rested. Then didn't he rest on the eighth day too? Yeah, did he then go back to work? You created it in six days and then you've been

resting since then. God. Do something with your time, bro. Like, what's the newest food, God? Did you create a new world? That'd be so funny. If anything, we'd be fucking losing animals. How do you explain the dodo?

What would you do if a smarmy little eight-year-old was asking you that in Sunday school? Yeah, yeah. She'd give him a spanking, which is what my mother was ultimately fired for. She would spank Willie and Nilly. Willie, Willie, Willie, Willie and Nilly. So I'm sure, Jake, you would just say, don't fucking do any of this stuff.

Yeah, I mean, you're going to stop. This is going to be a hard conversation to have with your parents in two years. So you might as well just like start it now. But you, at a certain, like, this kid is still before 18. Like, you still went to Hebrew school and stuff. You weren't like putting your foot down at a certain age. Well, I guess the Hebrew school ended at when I was like 13, 12 or 13. 13, yeah.

I don't think I was doing anything I didn't want to do past like 16. Can you confirm or deny? Yeah, that is totally true. It was hard to get him to go till – there was one time he actually hid in the house. He hid under his bed. Planking under the table. I see your feet. I hid under the bed for like two hours

rather than go to Hebrew school. This is true. It really would have been a lot more fun to go to Hebrew school. Yeah. You're just like, I'm so stubborn,

I'll stay under a bed. There was another time that we were going to Hebrew school. My dad had a two-door, like a coupe. Jumped out of a moving car. And, well, my sister Hannah and I, and Hannah got out,

and I was, like, crawling in to get out, and she shut the door, like, forgetting that I was in there, and the door shut on my head. So I started, like, bawling, and, like, I can't go. I can't go. And this is, like, there's, like like a loop to drop people off so my dad was just like fuck it and he we he drove he's like all right fine and he we drove home and i'm like lying down drinking chocolate milk watching aladdin it was like 15 minutes later he's like

all right you're better you're gonna go you're just you'll just be late and it like really threw me i was like no no we already did this. I got out of it. I'm watching fucking Aladdin now. We lived two minutes away from the temple. I so easily could have gone back. Classic. Did you ultimately go back? I believe I did have to go back.

Yeah, I feel like dad would not have let that rest. Yeah, how did you send kids to Hebrew school if you didn't even believe this stuff yourself? If they're like, I don't want to go, you don't believe in it. Would you be like, yeah, you still have to go? Or you'd be like, yeah, I guess you're right. Nevermind. I think I was pretty much, no, you have to go because that was something Sam and I kind of decided on. Oh, there was a conversation. Yeah. Yeah. We said we were going to have everyone It never felt like you need to go and learn the religion. It was just like, this is your responsibility. You have to go. That's it ever, it never felt like you need to go and learn the religion. It was just like, this is your responsibility.

You have to go. That's it. And it felt more like a cultural or secular thing. Like I felt like that was just being able to have a Jewish identity. I just felt like that was really important. But now all of you say you're Christian and Jewish, which is like kind of interesting to me. I almost say that's like what, yeah, it is weird that I would still say that because I don't consider it myself either. Yeah, because you're pretty much not anything.

That's true. I don't know what you are. You're like a secular humanist. I think that's what they call it. If you're just like... I'm actually going to go back to being Puritan. I'm already halfway there with a beard. All right, let's take a break and we'll come back with more questions for Laura and I guess us too.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one, first stop, one stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can

figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's notarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah.

But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah.

So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know

that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it.

It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we've returned. Hola.

Hey. We touched upon this briefly at the beginning, but you're desperately trying to move to Los Angeles. Yeah, I am. Is that an actual thing or you want to be bi-coastal? I guess for now I want to be bi-coastal because I still like Sam, despite what Jake is saying over here. Everything I try to convince her to do.

But I think eventually we want to end up here. I mean, I love this state. It's like the best. California is a great state. It is. There's no doubt in my mind. It is. It's the best state.

Sorry, everyone, but it's just true. But there's still a lot of good other states. Like, being the second best state is also pretty good. What up, Vermont? You know you're listening. If you had to choose half a year to live here, would you do it when it's super cold in Connecticut? Oh, absolutely.

The thought of going back to 30 degree weather, 20 degree weather, it just... It's like a November to May thing in LA. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe October to the beginning of June. Oh.

I don't even want to be chilly. I'd hate for me not to sweat ever. That's how I, I mean, I know that's crazy, but I love- No, that's how I feel. That's how you feel too? Yeah. I moved to New York and like every winter I dreaded it and I disliked it. Don't you sort of dread it like on a visceral level

yeah like you just feel like you could die yeah me too I really grew out of the weather thing like I don't care that much yeah

I'm like amused when it's really cold yeah I hate it I hate it too that's funny so hopefully once you do move out here you can be a permanent

fixer on our show oh that would be so much fun and then eventually we can phase out one of the other hosts I don't know we we'll discuss it'll just be me and my mother mommy and me but the podcast i wonder if that is a podcast mommy i feel like it is probably did you ever go with jake to mommy and me um yes i did i did and the fuck is mommy and me it was like a

gymnastic it was at uh Little Rascals. Huh? Little Rascals Gym. I remember Little Rascals. And I would sit with you and you would do things and, you know, I would like make you roll over. It's like, I don't know, like training. This is when I was how old? 19. I don't remember rolling over before I was 19.

Did you see anything in Jake as a two-year-old that you still see now? Yeah, actually, a lot of stuff. You can, like, extrapolate. Yeah, I mean, he had a rather short attention span. What? Jake just left the room. He saw a Rubik's Cube out there. Ah, it's square.

And he also used to pee frequently, which is something he still does. I still do that for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. Absolutely, I still do that. And he gets scared a little sometimes when things are, sorry, I have to. Sometimes you get like, you know, you can get freaked out a little bit. By what?

I don't know, like scary things, like suggestions of freaked out a little bit. By what? I don't know. Like, scary things. Like, suggestions of things that are scary. Like the future. You did recently tell me that you're afraid of ghosts. Yeah. Yeah. Like, that kind of thing.

But not like, I don't know. Yeah. Sure. I'm afraid of ghosts. And on the contrary, I ain't afraid of no ghosts. Nah, nah, nah, nah. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. All right.

Do you want to answer a few more questions? Oh, yeah. That would be fun. These ones are a little bit more in the realm of what we're used to. Some relationship advice. This one is from another lady. You want to stick with the theme? Yeah, we'll call her Hillary.

Chillery Hillary Clinton writes. I haven't seen Hillary tweet much recently, actually. Really? She did a delete your account one yesterday. Yeah, she's still on it. She hasn't been that active on Instagram either since the day. The O-G-I-G. Yeah, weird.

Anyway, I've sent a few things to you in the past, but I'm in yet another sticky situation and would love your input. About three months ago, I started dating a new guy. We're fairly solid, and I like him a great deal. About a month before we started dating, he hooked up with a work colleague at a conference out of town. Recently, that colleague has started going through some serious personal and professional difficulties and has been calling and texting my boyfriend for moral support. I've heard a few of these calls and they're not sexy, but they're intimate. He swears nothing romantic is happening, but it still makes me really

uncomfortable. I am a naturally jealous person and have ruined things with past boyfriends because of my irrational jealousy. So I'm asking you guys, am I being irrational? Should I trust my new guy and ignore my nagging worries? What would you do? He's heading out on another work conference in a few months, and I'm totally dreading it. Love, Hillary. It's kind of thematic. She's dreading something. She's a naturally jealous person. Is jealousy natural? I think to some people it is. Do animals get jealous?

Are dogs jealous? They get jealous if another dog has a bigger bone. Oh, yeah, and they want the bone. Yeah. I don't know if they covet the bone the same way. They covet the bone. You think weeks later they're like, oh, Rex had a really big bone last week. Now he's going on a bone conference and I'm dreading it.

This seems like the most rational time to be jealous ever. Is the talking to somebody you hooked up with. This is the crazy thing about jealousy to me is that it makes everybody crazy. It makes you feel crazy. It makes you like doubt all of your instincts because you're like, shit, am I just feeling like this because I'm jealous? I'm insane. Like maybe I shouldn't, like maybe I should be jealous. Maybe I shouldn't be jealous and I, whatever. But if you need a little coaching through your jealousy, if your boyfriend hooked up with somebody and then continued to talk to them and have intimate conversations with them, A-OK on the jealousy.

You're good. That's fine. Is it still jealous if it's earned? Like if somebody cheated on you, are you jealous or then it becomes angry? Right, right. Or I'm not jealous. You're a piece of shit. Yeah, absolutely.

But isn't it like not cheating? Isn't that a jealous like it isn't the truest form of jealousy like someone actually cheating on you and then it's like when someone's oh my boyfriend's talking to a girl i'm jealous if they hook up are you still jealous no then you're vindicated so you're jealous is jealous like am i explaining this right i'm kind of having a hard time yeah no You're having a heart attack. Like, if your jealous is correct, is it still jealous? No, it's well-founded. It was like you had a suspicion and it's confirmed.

That's like, okay. But is that the purest form of jealousy? I don't think it's still jealousy. Because jealousy is some sort of like you shouldn't be feeling this, right? Like it's not right? Right. Like, you're not, you're not, it's not earned. Right. But is it,

or is it, is it jealous still? No, because it's been proven. So then you're not jealous anymore? Well, it's gone beyond jealousy. It's like, yeah, I was right to have this. Well, that's relationship jealousy, though.

Because can't you like, I could be jealous if somebody else like, wrote a really great script that was getting made by hbo right and that's not like i'm suspecting anything yeah oh this is happening and it makes me jealous because i want that for me yeah jealous is just wanting something for yourself but then like when it's relationships it's not because it's like he's talking to this girl and she's like i'm jealous because you're doing that it's not like i want to be talking to this girl i guess you're you're saying i want your time and intimacy the

same way right and if they're hooking up it's like i want that to be with me yeah but then that doesn't seem like jealousy that seems like adultery i think so too and also i think what jake the script analogy like that envy, which is like a different. What's the difference? Can I read the definition between envy and jealousy? Yeah, I feel like there's a difference between the two. So jealous is feeling or showing envy of someone and their achievements. And envy is a feeling of discontent or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions,

qualities, or luck. So envy appears to be the root emotion. Jealous is just feeling envy. Yeah. And jealousy is a feeling that is not necessarily, you know, founded. Right. Look up boondoggle. Okay.

Fuck. Not a word. Awesome. Actually, it's a work or activity that's wasteful. Nice. Much like searching the definition of boondoggle-less. Yeah. All right.

So you're saying this feeling of envy is fine. I'm saying break up with this motherfucker. Break up? I agree. I would break up with this guy. I would have broken up with him after he fucking cheated on me at a work conference. Well, it was before they were going out. Oh, before?

Yeah. Yeah. That makes it a little bit better. But to continue the relationship, I don't know how she said to him, please stop this. I'm not comfortable with it. Maybe she's afraid to coming off. Because she's jealous in the past and she has a history of being jealous. Yeah, of being irrationally jealous and it's ruined other relationships.

I think this is irrational jealousy. I actually did – I misheard it and I thought that he cheated on her. Oh, yeah. So now I'm a little less incredulous. Okay. But I do still think that like there's no reason that it had to be this guy that the girl is like leaning on for like all this emotional support with whatever the fuck she's going through. Like that's – this is how really like affairs start. Right.

Totally. Right. She's staying emotionally relevant in his life. Yeah. And then they're going to go on a work conference. Yeah. Yeah. Uh-uh.

Not good. But like you can't tell him not to go on the work conference. No, you just be like, hey, good news, I'm coming too. We're both going to be in the work conference. Me as an innocent bystander. Yeah, that sounds like a tough situation. An innocent spystander. Very good.

Thank you. Very, very good. Thank you. So am I being irrational? No. Should I trust my new guy and ignore my nagging worries? Oh, no. Don't trust the new guy and don't ignore those worries.

They're completely well-founded. Don't you have to trust the new guy and don't ignore those worries. They're completely well-founded. But don't you have to trust the new guy? Like, what other options do you have? I would just issue an ultimatum. That's a dangerous game, too. Maybe so, but to live with that kind of, like, worry and concern. Also, if she's, like, a jealous, it sounds like that's kind of part of her nature. Yeah. I just think she needs someone who's not gonna, mean it's just like you don't need to necessarily do ultimatum you just need to have the discussion you say i am feeling this way i'm jealous and uh you know you don't have to question

its rationale or uh validity you just say i am feeling jealous this is making me upset what do you want to do about it and if he's a good guy, then maybe he'll help and you guys can talk and figure out how to alleviate your concerns. And if he's like, don't be jealous. I'm going on the work conference, babe. Then fuck him. He sounds like he should be an understanding guy because he's spending hours on the phone with his co-worker who's going through some kind of crisis. So if you're going through a similar crisis, you better spend some time with you too. Yeah.

I don't spend hours helping even my closest friends, let alone a girl I hooked up with three months ago. That's the thing. And also emotional dependence on another person. I mean, that's a really intimate relationship, even if there isn't like sex involved. It's emotional cheating. Yeah. I mean, I think that's...

Which is way better than the other kind of cheating because you don't cum during it. Exactly. Unless it's really good advice. Ay, ay, ay. We've heard things from people that received advice from our show. Mom, turn down the podcast. What would you do is the last question she asked. So you would issue an ultimatum?

Well, I guess I don't know his side of it, but I think she just has to just be completely clear with him about how she's feeling. I think that that's important. Jake, what would you do? I would probably say, this is making me feel upset. Let's talk. Stop talking to this dude.

Yeah. Or would you say? I think, well, I would say like, I don't think I would issue that ultimatum. Like stop talking to this. Uh, I would be, I would be like,

when you do this, it makes me feel like this. Now that you have that information, what do you want to do? Do you think any of this has to do with what the other person looks like? Like if she was, if you were with a lady friend and she was talking to somebody weird and gross, would you feel less threatened?

Yeah, way less threatened. Would you even have this conversation with her? Probably not. But you can't just discount that, like, oh, well, so it's only looks? Like, yeah, that's why people hook up with people. Right. Because they're attracted to them. And they must be attracted because they hooked up on the road.

Yeah, I was going to say. So she knows he's attracted. Oh, don't get emotionally close to anybody. That's a fucking crazy thing to say. So it's like you could just oh don't get emotionally close to anybody that's a fucking crazy thing to say so it's like you can just say don't get emotionally close to anybody who's also hot yeah that's the recipe for a relationship let's say i care about this person and i'm attracted to them oh shit yeah i mean that's the worst thing you can be as my boyfriend or girlfriend but you know he's attracted because he slept yeah so i mean it's like that's been established that he's sexually attracted to this other person and

absolutely yeah uh let's answer one more question one last question yes do we have time you also didn't say what you would do in that situation i would probably bring it up but not in an ultimatum type way wow so i'd be like you know it's kind of weird that you still talk to that guy in sort of a joking way where I'm like not coming off as a jealous, angry guy, but like kind of my way of like dealing with most actual confrontation is make a joke about it. Oh, man, that would drive me crazy as her girlfriend. I think it's kind of fucked up that you talk to that guy,

sort of laughing about it. Yeah, I don't know. You guys are both a lot more oblique than, I mean, I think I would just say, hey, you know what, that really, I really feel jealous and very upset when you do. I would be like just like so direct and I want you to stop doing it.

Yeah, that's probably the right way to do it. But I can't imagine sitting someone down and like having a very serious being like, it really makes me upset that you do this. Oh God, that's all I can imagine. We're both wrong. Only me more so and you not at all.

All right. An 18-year-old collegiate lady is writing the last question. Oh God, who can I... Maybe Nancy for Nancy Pelosi? That's very nice. You really didn't want to say Melania, huh? Our first lady to be. That's very nice. You really didn't want to say Melania, huh? Our first lady to be.

Flea-o-dee-ours. Is she the first non-American born first lady? I heard or I read something that there was one other one. Somebody married a non-American. Oh, was it W? Was it George Bush? No. Or no, was it somebody?

Non-American first lady. Okay, no, that was Laura Bush. Forget. Or no, was it somebody? Non-American first lady. Oh, okay. No, that was Laura Bush. Forget that. No, she wasn't. No, it was someone, there was someone else. Yeah, like this president married a daughter of an immigrant or was an immigrant, and then she moved into the White House. I'll just make one up and say- Willard Fillmore. Priscilla Fillmore. My go-to made-up present.

Oh, here we go. John Quincy Adams' wife, Louisa Catherine Johnson Adams, was the only First Lady born outside of the U.S. Interesting. Where was she born? Louisa Adams was born in London. Wow. That really hardly counts.

Yeah, yeah. Because back then, London was the second president, right? John Quincy Adams was the sixth president. Anyway. Everyone was from fucking London then. Yeah. Yeah, like Martha Washington wasn't from America.

There wasn't America yet. I'm really kind of pissed off about that definition. Anyway, what's this lady's name? Nancy. Nancy. Pelosi. I recently just started my freshman year of college and it's going great.

Within the first week, I met this guy who lives in the dorm above me and I immediately liked him. We started dating a month later and it's been amazing. He's funny and cute and sweet and we even do

that annoying couple thing where we finish each other's sentences. Hee! Hee! I'm alone. Here's my issue. Even though we fool around like six to seven times a week, he hasn't made

me cum yet. You almost edited it for my mother. I almost said orgasm. He hasn't made me cum yet. Now I don't... Say it again. I'm okay. Now I didn't think much of it at first because I've never actually been with anyone before. Like, not even a little bit.

And I figured it was just nervous because we've been dating for a month and a half and nada. I've started faking it mainly because I'm kind of embarrassed. It takes me so long and honest. If I'm honest, it kind of turns me on. To fake it? I guess. Interesting. Do I tell him I've been faking it this whole time and shatter his libido?

Do I keep faking it and just hope that the big old alley-oop eventually happens? I really, really like this guy and I see a future between us, but I can't keep going up to his place and coming back to mine and masturbate to kink porn. I can't believe you chose this question for me. Yeah, this is actually why I did it. I don't want to make everyone in this room very uncomfortable. Let's turn the temperature up. I don't want to break up with him, but I'm starting to make everyone in this room very uncomfortable. Let's turn the temperature up. I don't want to break up with him, but I'm starting to really get sexually frustrated.

Also, should I? Jesus Christ, Jake. How dare you? Why don't you read this question? No. Also, should I be going down on him more? Wow. I've only actually. The gall.

I've only actually given him a head once and he goes down on me all the time. Does that make me an inconsiderate lover? I don't mind giving him head and I actually kind of like it, but every time I try, I chicken out. Any tips? Why aren't we having sex yet? And honestly, I don't even want to and I can't imagine, I can't even, and if you can't even get me off during foreplay, please help. What would you do if you were me? As always, love the show. Sincerely, Nancy. All right. A lot of stuff to unpack. And we're out of time.

Yeah. Oh, my God. That was a big one. That was. Why don't we focus on the big question, which was, if I've been faking an orgasm with a guy for months, do I ever tell him? I chose the question because I wanted to know how women deal with an inadequate lover. My mother has been with a subpar man since 1992.

All right. So what are we thinking? Is Papa a good lover? How dare you ask? Oh, my God, Jake. Okay. I'll get back to this question, shall I? Let me redirect.

And I don't think there's any- Both of you guys are touching your hair so much. I am. I'm actually blushing. My soul is trying to crawl out of my body. This is a really fun experiment for me. This is so scary for me. I would say I wouldn't tell him. I agree i i like the idea of keep faking it until it

happens hopefully i i'm completely on the same page hopefully one day the flip switches and it's like maybe one day when you're old be like you know i didn't really have an organ for the first two months but then yay did something great and it happened that's right and you don't even even need to tell the truth ever you You can just like not say anything. One of those lie forever moments. I think it's probably worthwhile to – it's not worthwhile to say, I've been faking it. What are you going to do to correct this? But I do think that you shouldn't just continue faking it hoping that he gets lucky one of these times.

You've got to start coaching because she's saying like she goes back to a room to masturbate. So she knows how to get off. She's got to be a little more verbal with him. And I think you could always do that in the form of like positive reinforcement. Like when he's doing something that, you know,

will eventually get you off. You say, don't stop. Keep doing that. Yeah. And that'll be that. I think, I think that's the way to do it.

Also, they haven't had sex yet. That's true. So it'll be interesting to see if she gets off on insertion rather than stimulation. That's a total possibility. And mom, how is dad as a... God. I'm just kidding. I really don't want to know.

Yeah, I was thinking you would absolutely not want to know. You can get back at Jake by actually answering these questions. Easy does it. I think I totally could. Easy eight. I'm calling the shots. But I think she can probably do things almost non-verbally that would be helpful to her and helpful to him. I don't think she needs to.

All right, Ma, you're actually making me sick. Sorry. It might be just too necessary. That's valid. That's valid. Yeah, I think that that goes a long way. Do we need to answer this question of should I be going down on him more? If she said she likes it, then do it more.

I'm sure, like, I don't think he, it's not like he doesn't like it. Yeah, it's not like he's objecting yeah there is a something in the ether or like some unspoken rule about like you know if I do it then you have to do it too as if it's like that's the even playing field like and a lot of girls think that like guys do it so that they do it to like that is that like a tip for tat kind of thing yeah because it's both it's the same thing but uh yeah yeah it's definitely like uh it's a it's a social contract yeah i don't think that it's not like one that you can really formally uh breach yeah like a hope everyone understands the implicit rule yeah i think it's even even probably less than like holding the door for somebody and having them say thank you.

On the grand scheme of social norms, an even playing field of oral sex goes before holding the door open and saying thank you. I think it's probably more along the lines of like waving somebody the turn and they like usually give the wave, but if they don't, it's fine. Yeah, it's fine yeah yeah if we're ranking every uh polite manner which we are i'm i'm just thinking though like she seems to be worried that she's selfish and that she's like not being honest like she has all these worries that are actually probably a little bit legitimate or something so i don't know i know she sounds like she really likes the guy i mean i think again maybe it's time for like a conversation not about i think we can let the sex part of it go but i just wonder if

there's like something that's where i don't know they're not feeling like equivalent or on a par i don't know it's also she's 18 doing this on a par. I don't know. It's also, she's 18 doing this stuff for the first time. Yeah, that's true. I think everybody's like having fun exploring everybody's bodies and it's like fun and sexy, but it's, you know,

you haven't like learned people's tricks yet. Yeah. It usually happens after a couple more months and, and some like candid conversations and stuff, which i think that you grow into there's no my advice wouldn't be like have this conversation now just do your thing yeah keep it up just keep it up and just yeah sex is like tennis you're not going to be good after six weeks like well i was actually pretty naturally gifted at tennis i was a phenom

in some regards and the the opposite at sex. Sex and tennis are inversely proportional. The better you are at tennis, Andy Roddick can't get off. At love. Cool. The end? Yeah. Anything more to say? Yeah, I feel like I'm being too hard on a lot of these people by like making them have conversations and being like way too earnest.

Oh, that's good. That's a beautiful thing. Conversing is good, but I think – Honesty is important. Honesty is, but like, yeah, I got to lighten up. So I say 18-year-old, just keep moving forward. Doing your thing. Doing your thing.

It's all going to happen and it'll be great. Do you know what age all of your children lost their virginities? Jesus Christ, dude. What? How open are you with your children about this sexual thing? Do the triplets tell you? Yeah, I know when they did, and I know when Hannah did. I don't know you, and I don't know Mike.

I never pried into what was going on. That makes sense. I mean, you guys never shared it, and I didn't pry with the girls. I mean, I just kind of knew. Well, we're not having this conversation. Yeah. jake do you know when i lost my virginity no when everybody in your family did uh just micah there we go boys will be boys uh cool all right thank you for being on our show again oh this was so much fun thank you for having me it's wonderful I hope that I will be local

next time. Oh, that'd be great. Next time we record in your new home in Los Angeles, probably. Mother, tell everybody the name of your podcast. We're actually out of time, but thank you so much for listening to our show, if I were you, for more episodes of our show. What is your podcast? It's called The Easy Chair Podcast. And what

is it? What's the logline? And it's short stories and also, once a a month we have a special little episode called should have swiped left and it's with hannah jake's older sister who is still single and she does a lot of dating that's just what she does interesting so jake and hannah discuss hannah's dating life and usually dating debacles that's pretty fun yeah it is pretty fun. It really is. Jake has really good and sensitive and thoughtful advice.

That's right. He really does. Surprisingly. Crazy, right? You wouldn't know it by listening to this show, but I guess he turns it on for yours. So The Easy Chair. The Easy Chair. On the HeadGum Network.

Yeah, on HeadGum. And it's awesome. It really is. And I have a lot of guest writers and stuff. So yeah, it's awesome. It really is. And I have a lot of guest writers and stuff. So, yeah, it's interesting. Cool. So if you want more Laura Hurwitz, check out the Easy Chair. And we'll be back next week with more questions.

If you have your own, send it on down to ifIwereyoushow at gmail.com. Theme songs. We need more theme songs. The opening one was written by Willie, Willie, Willie, Willie. And this closing one was written by Chris Stare. Ooh, awesome name. He's named one is written by Chris Stare. Ooh, awesome name. He's named after the coolest thing, stairs. Yeah, I don't know.

We'll be back in a single week. So talk to you guys. See you next year. Yeah. No, this is actually the first episode of 2017. Happy New Year. Yeah, Happy New Year. Happy New Year indeed.

Gotta be better than 2016. Starting now. Gotta be better than 2016. Starting now. Could be worse. So you've got some problems And you're hoping to solve them Well, today's the day that you do Cause chicken and me Are finally here

And if I were you Stars now