Segments - 253: Britney Spears

Episode Date: January 9, 2017

In this episode we discuss High School cliques and basketball tricks. This episode is brought to you by MeUndies and TrackR! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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How do two wannabe has been unemployed actors slash writers somehow create a podcast empire? Watch this perverted college dropout and this late blooming nerd start the best advice show you ever heard. Long ago in college humor, they wrote jokes and made cameos in hardly working episodes. Honed their comedic flow, became best bros, put up their own video, which became the eponymous Jake and Amir show. Well the show exploded, they were always laughing as they wrote it, till it was time to throw out the status quo. Just let go of it, finished on a high note, started something new so they could grow,

and the Facebook fans already know. What's this show man jake and amir if i were you the show is jake and amir if i were you and you can email in if you're confused and they'll talk you through and mock you too metley ron at star Starbucks That cousin committed suicide Hashtag green light Jake and Amir The pilot was denied When at last they knew That true TV passed on employment

They hit the gas on podcasting And asked their friends to join them There would have been nothing left to shoot For comics less astute They would have been broke Reduced to asking Hey sir can we crash here dude They started hoarding

Recording Reporting to the landlord of Raven's Nest, the best house in the world, which they cannot afford. Hustling for C-list actors they can get to come on. Trust in the emails, give them material to go on. If they keep entertaining,

don't let the fan base erode. In L.A., they can start a new show. The show is on Vimeo now, Amir as Ruby Jade. A new pathetic character still trying to get laid. Lonely and horny might be the best thing they've ever made. But what's this show, man? Jake and Amir, if I were you.

Ha! Wow, no podcast this week, everybody. We're just going to let that song sink in. Let's do an entire If I Were You Hamilton mixtape. I want to just play that. That's a great idea. I want to play that for like anybody that needs, anytime anybody's like, hey, send us a bio.

Oh. That's just, that is, that's the ballad of our life. Saddest part about that, I'm not going to say who wrote it or composed it that's not sad that's mean i i'm gonna let it sort of go on anonymously as he didn't want he wanted credit he's got like a bunch of ideas and suggestions a shout out for somebody sick in his life and i'm just gonna say hell no let's start fresh it's 2k17 and i don't give a shit all right you get you yeah you're the you're the boss awesome man awesome man but i want you to really

think about this like this is if i were you this is crazy and i made that song oh because i played that you don't want to just not give him credit you You want to take the credit. That's my credit. It's my song. It's my right. I said it. I read it. Okay. Jeremy Hoffman. That's who made it. If you don't know, that was a Hamilton parody, two minutes plus, all about our story, our

life story. I guess he sent it to us months ago, and I just missed it. And so he re-sent it to us, thankfully. And I got to play it eventually. Jeremy Hoffman. Thank you, Jeremy. 2K17. He has no shout-out?

No shout-out. Yeah. He's not about that SoundCloud life, evidently. Wow. I did have a few notes about just some of the rhymes. You asshole. You jerk. Wow. I did have a few notes about just some of the rhymes. You asshole. You jerk.

It was perfect. The part that goes, met Leran at Starbucks, the cousin committed suicide. Yeah. That never happened in Jake and Amir. Yeah, but it's sort of just like blending references. I mean, Jesus, the amount of time that he must have put into this. The Serge can we crash your dude part just bumped me in terms of the cadence of the rhyme. That was great. It felt like.

He blended Raven's Nest with Serge. Yeah. I mean, this is like a seamless flow of inside jokes from podcasts and web series. Amir's Ruby. I'm just reading it again. Amir's Ruby Jade. That's fine. He promoted Lonely and Horny for us.

You're an asshole. That was nice. Cool. Happy New Year. Oh, wait. My mother was already on the first episode of the New Year. This is the first one we're recording after the New Year. Happy New Year! Oh wait, my mother was already on the first episode of the New Year. This is the first one we're recording after the New Year. Happy New Year!

Uh, so we're different. Uh, but this is the, literally, technically the second episode of 2017. Yeah. Uh, what's new about us? Gosh. Uh, a couple near-death experiences. I'm Buddhist now. Oh, I got a haircut.

Yeah, you got a haircut. Your hair's shorter. For the first time in how long you got a haircut? I think since, like, August. Wow. wow wait no it's got to be long august is only four months ago i believe i got a haircut four months ago when was the last time your hair was like short short oh short short you got trims i'm talking the last time your hair was this short maybe it was like lonely and horny that was was the shortest haircut I had. Oh, which was last summer.

No, last December. A year ago. January. So when you go to the barber with long hair, what do you say? I was just like, get this off of me. Yeah. And he, she. It was so long.

I was just short on the sides, long on top and i'll just tell i'll tell you when to stop don't ever let me see the bottom of his hair who was it a random uh random lady yeah rudy's rudy's yeah did she like feel the gravitas of the situation did she realize how big of a deal it was for you well she was like so so what's what's happening here and i was like it's gotta go what's happening that's a good reaction to what your hair had become. I think it was more like, what are we doing? But yeah, yeah. Are you trying to fix this or just start over?

Yeah. I guess it was kind of loaded. And before I was like, yeah, so like we're going to, I was, you know, walking her through. I was like, basically me and my brother are the only ones that think it's cool and everyone else hates it. And she was like like i get it uh and then she's like really uh kindly was like do you want to start with a wash just because i can't touch what this is because you know they i want to clean the hair that i'm about to cut you're gonna throw it away it's like washing garbage so we went with the wash. Oh, you shampooed. Yeah, I mean, it was just for her.

She didn't want to touch me. It was dirty. It was ugly. It was nasty. And then when you shampooed your hair, were you like, oh, maybe this is all I needed? No, because I had been shampooing my hair, but it had been a minute, and I had gone to the gym. I didn't do her any favors. You hadn't showered

in days. You went to the... It was sweaty. It was matte. Yeah. You were wearing a hat. It was the climbing gym. So it was probably more the chalk that was all over my body. Oh, yeah. The chalky, chunky, dry, but greasy hair.

Oh, yeah. And then they sliced it, diced it, cut it on the side. Sliced it, diced it. Razor? No, scissor cut on the side. Oh, scissor cut on the side. Scissor cut on the side. Did any part of you want to go like extreme, like short and then leave the top mohawk?

Just because you created such a canvas for yourself. Yeah. You could have done some crazy things. I think actually like because I had sort of had like a shaved side mohawk type thing before I grew it out. And then I like, no, it was long. I was craving just like the most normal haircut I could possibly have. You wanted to be normcore. Yeah, just make me look like a nice boy from the 1950s.

Yeah, you wanted to be a guy that didn't care about his hair. Yeah, that's what I wanted. For the first time in a while. Yeah. And you haven't worn a hat since. Yeah, I wore a winter hat over the break. But that's the biggest change, going for wearing a hat for, like, five months

and not wearing a hat. I went to a wedding over the break, and just, like biggest change, going for wearing a hat for like five months and not wearing a hat. I went to a wedding over the break and just like not being stressed out about like, could I wear a hat or like would I have a good hair day

on the day of the wedding? It was your wedding. Yeah. But you know what's really funny? And then we can go into the show because I feel like

I'm taking up a lot of personal time talking about my appearance. This is important. I cut my hair. I was feeling so good, so confident, excited to see all my friends and family back home for the holidays i landed i had the biggest zit on my

nose that like i popped into like a cut it was just like this monstrosity on my nose so i like could i even though i felt better on my hair i couldn't feel like hot for 10 whole days am i just making it up or do you usually get to sit on your nose during like important things like i have memories of you dealing with that kind of stuff yeah it happened once on tour yeah uh and also again once just before like uh like south by or something where was it on your nose now? Right here, right above the right nostril. Oh, got it. Yeah. Usually it's been, in those past two times, it was dead in the center.

Yeah, like the save by the bell. Oh my God. Front and center. I have like visions of you like dabbing it with an alcohol cotton swab. Yeah, just trying to dry it out so it wouldn't look quite as red. Yeah. And then just fucking cutting it anyway so it turns into a scab. That's pretty much exactly what happened this time you just make it was like i was like all right all right

hurwitz don't touch it yeah don't touch it it's gonna be fine then i look in the mirror i'm like god damn it there's a white head under this yeah don't don't touch your nose kids you know i once had a fantasy not a fantasy but a daydream where i'm like if i had a zit on my cheek could i theoretically like vacuum it up with a straw you mean like puncture a little straw like imagine a vacuum the size of a straw that sucked so voraciously that i just put it over my zit and it would suck the white head through the pore like you know you know how when you squeeze, you're basically squeezing down and sort of forcing a volcano to erupt? Yeah.

Could you create a suction that literally just stole the pus out of the pore, like a hand punching through a jelly donut? I feel like we could really easily create this science experiment because we could just get a shop vac, a bunch of duct tape, and a little drink straw. get a shop vac a bunch of duct tape and a little drink straw oh and then just sort of duct tape it so the because the opening of the vacuum

cleaner is wide it's like we can like make a basically a funnel yeah i want a ping pong ball to a straw adapter yeah so the same amount of suction but the small small surface area probably be the it i feel like it would increase the suction because it's the same like pulling in the air but a much smaller hole. The smaller surface area. Let's do it. I just, yeah. All right.

I guess let's stop recording. Follow me on Snapchat. I just start rubbing grease on my face so that I get the zit. I'm down to give this a shot on Monday if you want. We got the vacuum. We have duct tape. I guess next time one of us gets the zit. I'm down to give this a shot on Monday if you want. We got the vacuum. We have duct tape. I guess next time one of us gets a zit. Yeah.

I mean, I always will. Actually, no, I'm pretty good aside from that nose thing. Yeah, if this was 10 years ago, I wouldn't have a problem. What about the back zits? Oh, that's pretty good. There's always a back zit. Yeah. You got one right now?

I had a shoulder guy. I had a shoulder guy. I had a shoulder guy. All right. This is If I Were You, the only zit podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Josh. What do we do? We answer emails.

If you can believe it or not, people trust us for whatever reason to dispense our wisdom about their lives. They're in difficult places. They think we'll know what to do to get them out of it. Let's see if we can help some people right now. Let's start with one of my favorite questions that I've read in a while, just so I can get into it. This guy's name is, let's call him Feuder.

Feuder? Yeah. I thought I was giving you a second. I thought you had another. No, that's it. Feud-er. Feud-er. Right.

I'm having a problem with Britney Spears. Well, not Britney directly, but my girlfriend is obsessed with her, and it's her birthday in two weeks. She wants me to buy her meet and greet tickets for her concert in Vegas But it's going to cost $2,000 for the ticket alone Plus flights to Vegas And hotels and shit In addition to that She wants us She wants us both to dress up

In that red oops I did it again dress So she can show Britney For my birthday She bought me tickets to Maui, so now I feel kind of obligated. Don't get me wrong, I love Britney, but should I spend this much on a weekend and dress up in a red latex costume?

Thinking emoji. Love feud. His girlfriend wants him to wear a dress to a Britney Spears concert I think it was more of a latex pantsuit But yeah Yeah She wants him to shame himself in front of her hero

For her birthday Right How low would you go? I think This is like an emotional limbo To me I would balk a little bit at the price alone like two thousand dollars is that per ticket uh for the ticket alone so yeah let's say it's per ticket four thousand dollars plus flights i'm assuming they live in the california area that's

why they're like maui vegas oh yeah they're West Coast peeps for sure. So maybe the Vegas ticket's not going to be that expensive. The hotel. I guess it's really about the concert ticket. This whole experience is going to run you about $5,000. And this is before you slip into the latex. Which I don't even know how you get that costume. That might be expensive too. Yeah.

And putting it on. How shameful. You'd have to feel really what a weird psychological experiment that might be expensive too yeah and putting it on how shameful like you'd have to be you'd have to feel really what a weird psychological experiment that would be yeah you don't just think of the moment of like you meeting britney spears wearing a weird costume that she wore yeah think about walking through las vegas in your britney spears costume getting in your like getting in your matching one with your girlfriend yeah even how about even just think about the elevator ride from your room down to the lobby and think about how uncomfortable and

sad that will be yeah in front of an asian family of four like imagine you're on the 12th floor of course you hit l uh-huh it's going down and you see, oh, stops at 11. Somebody's coming in. Someone's about to come in. Yeah. Your stomach sinks and that will happen. It's someone wearing

the Britney slave costume. I'm a slave. He walks in with the chair. To my girlfriend. Oh my God. So you go to the concert, you're dressed as Britney. I mean,

what happened? It's britney bitch it really you really are britney's bitch poops i shit it again the next day you guys are having a nice brunch a breakfast at the bellagio all you can eat buffet oh god you still haven't taken off the latex for some reason it won't slide off it's that skin tight i've also heard that this like britney meet and greet ticket thing is like not you wait in like a very long line she comes out you're like not allowed to touch her it's not like an intimate like meet and greet where you're gonna get to like talk to britney like hey like i'm a big fan, check out this crazy costume. It's like she nods at you.

Imagine what a weird level of pity Brittany would feel to you. She'll see the girlfriend dressed as Brittany, and then she'll pan left to reveal you in a similar latex suit, and she'll be like, oh, no. It's uncomfortable. I'm sorry, dude. I think you can say no. I think he can say no. I think he can say It's uncomfortable. I'm sorry, dude. I think you can say no. I think he can say no.

I think he can say you feel uncomfortable. Of course you can say no to wearing the costume. By God, you should say no to wearing the costume. But what's your reason other than? I don't want to wear the costume. Imagine this. What's this girl's life been like that it led her to the point that it's fine for her to ask that wait what's the latex costume from um let's see oops i did it again

uh oops i did it again britney there's like a scene in that video where she's talking to the guy remember that dumb little breakdown where she's like uh oh i thought the old lady dropped it in the ocean oh that was that song yeah the guy's like hey guys this well i swam down and got it for oh like he can want to dress up as that be that guy like to finish the oh my god yeah this is a real legit it is so funny imagine him wearing this skin tight latex red suit all right i'll put on the suit all right and learn the choreography for the dance the fuck are you talking about i'm not i'll learn the i want to show britney you in the dance i want britney and i to high five as to what a pushover you are and wear the makeup too i feel like it won't read Unless you're wearing The white highlights

Yeah this sounds like A real weird prank That the girlfriend Like the girlfriend's Gonna break up with him In front of everybody Is this peak Britney? Uh yeah

I think so Is Oops I Did It Again Peak bae? I guess Probably How old was Britney During it? I feel like peak Britney

Is the uh Python At the MTV Movie Awards What's the The what? Music Awards Or Movie Awards Whichever one they were What is it? Britney with the Britney with the python at the MTV Movie Awards. What's the what? The Music Awards or Movie Awards, whichever one they were. What is it? Britney with the fucking python.

Oh, what about Britney kissing Madonna? Oh, yeah. Was that peak Brit? I guess so, because it was all downhill from there. When did she shave her head? Oh, yeah. Oops, I Did It Again was in 2000. And Britney Spears was born in, oh, 87.

So that's when she was 13. What? That's absolutely. You fucking monster, man. I don't know. She was born in 81. That was 19-year-old Britney Spears doing Oops, I Did It Again in a Latex Red Suit.

Jesus Christ. Anyway. So you can hard pass. You can hard pass. Nobody would get mad at you for saying you don't want to wear the suit. Except your girlfriend. And if she does, then I don't know if she should be your girlfriend. I like, whenever I got into arguments like this, I like to imagine the girl explaining to her friends.

And be like, I don't think the friends can take her side on this. Yeah. They can't be like, fuck that guy, you're right. He wouldn't wear the latex suit. So feud-er won't get into this. Feud. Feud-er is not avoiding a feud. Oh my God, what an asshole. Yeah, he wouldn't, yeah.

Would you, could you be such a supportive friend that you're actually taking this lady's side that the guy won't wear the red latex suit? The $2,000 meet and greet tickets mean i guess we don't know how rich these people are jesus christ what if these people are loaded in two thousand dollars not that much i guess then it really comes down to the latex suit how about what if you had the two options of wearing the latex suit or going to the concert. Oh, man. So it's either I have to spend $4,000 or wear a latex suit? Yeah, it's like dinner.

Who is this monstrous girl that's making me choose? I still want to get a steak with you at Tao. Oh, man. I think we should go to a hot sushi spot on the Strip. I think we should go to Vegas, dude. Should we wear red latex suits and go to Vegas? It's in the air. It is in the ether.

We're talking about it. Your birthday's coming up, brother. It's true. Two weeks from day of recording. All right, so don't do it? I would. You would not. Yeah, I would draw the line at the tickets,

but if you got the cash, I think if- If you got the ash. If you got the cash and you want to do the tickets but you know if you're if you got the cash i think if if you got the ash if you got the cash and you want to do the tickets like at the very least she's not going to be mad at you if you don't go like that like last extra it's like you scored a touchdown with the with the tickets the meet and greet and the trip to vegas yeah and then like she wants you to go for two yeah and you're like let's get the extra point let's just do the field yeah we're up three it's important for us to take this extra point lead and then she's like fuck it i want to do like a statue of liberty play let's get fucking wild with it what if he says i'll wear the fucking hit me baby one more time school girls pig mostly about it my latex allergy

i'm down to cross-dress Britney cosplay. I just don't want to wear the red. All right, next question. This one's written by a lady. Do you have a lady's name? Gushka? Gushka writes, I'm a senior in high school, and just this year, we got six transfers for our basketball team.

One of them just happens to be, and then she says his name, but I won't, who is one of the best high school basketball players in the nation. I'm kind of super into him. I mean, who wouldn't be? He's six foot blank. Again, I'm going to disguise it to keep it anonymous. Very tall, beautiful face, bound to be successful.

Just wondering, what's the best way to intrigue him? As in get him to be into me. He's already responded to be successful, just wondering, what's the best way to intrigue him? As in get him to be into me. He's already responded to a DM, but I'm at a loss of what to say to him. Need to seize the cheese before he's too famous for a commoner like me. This is so important? Question mark.

Thank you. And then she sent us the DM. Yeah, what does it say? It says holla, catch me at the next game. Clown emoji, eggplant emoji. And then he responds with a sly smile. So it's more than nothing. More than nothing, but it's definitely less than something.

Oh, she replied to his Instagram story. That's what sliding into DMs is like nowadays. Interesting. his instagram story that's that's what sliding into dms is like nowadays interesting so what's the best way to fuck uh a basketball player who's about to be a really big deal this guy's in high school now it shouldn't be that hard it's definitely gonna get like this guy's he's definitely gonna get used to fucking a lot of people if he becomes like the best college basketball player and then like uh an nba star yeah like and he's only two years away from being an nba star i do want to temper her expectations you're not gonna lock this one down no yeah i

don't think she's if she's just trying to like hook it and yeah like she wants to be able to like eight years ago say I fucked Kevin Durant. Yeah. Yeah. I would totally feel that. Honestly, I love basketball so much. I would, I'm kind of sad that I'm not a girl that I get to fuck basketball players. Well, you gave Russell Westbrook a blowjob.

Yeah, but that didn't mean anything to him. And that was last week. I blew Beastbrook. And then I sort of J-O Stephen Adams. Didn't Stephen Adams skull fuck you? Didn't the entire Oklahoma City Thunder, yeah. Okay, so you benched Run Train on you? Yeah, Nick Collison, what's his name?

Adrian Payne, Just went to town. Jesus. You rode Emeka Okafor. He's not even on the team. Does he play in the NBA at all? Emeka Okafor? Yeah. I don't think so.

I think he's out of the league. You really shouldn't have fucked him. That was a waste. Jeez Louise. So what's the best way to do it? What do you think? What do you think high school basketball players like? It feels like sliding into his DMs is pretty appropriate.

You're doing it. You're nailing it. So you just have to respond. Yeah. Well, I don't think I would like respond to this thread because then you seem a little too thirsty. Like respond, like slide in again with like a more direct thing. But I think in the DM world, the next DM will be in this thread.

Well, even if she replies to like another one of his stories? Yeah, I would say you replied to this story in that same thread what do you think clown emoji eggplant means uh that's like fun hey we're fucking just for fun eggplant is dick that's what i think i see it a lot but i've never definitely experienced what else would it be uh let's cook a fun salad together. Let's eat baba ganoush at a circus. Okay, so she's like, let's have fun sex, clown eggplant emoji. Yeah, and so I guess you just follow up with that, like next time you're free or you're going somewhere fun, whatever.

Let me know. Yeah, like let's actually meet up, whatever, something. Yeah, because you can't be you can't be too adamant but at the same time you can't be so relaxed that he doesn't actually do it right you kind of have to give him something concrete i feel like she maybe wants him to write back and be like all right where do you where can we meet but i don't think that's going to happen i feel like and the thing is like the kids on the brink of superstardom are maybe a little more guarded that's what i was going to. If he's actually a big freaking deal,

then he won't want... Like in his mind, anything can leak. So he has to be as implicit as possible. Doesn't want to get caught up in a scandal. Yeah. And then if it leaks, it's like, look, she did all the work. I was just along for the ride.

Oh, what if you write back to this DM and you move it over to Snapchat? Because then all the messages he's taking can disappear, or at the very least to see if you start screenshotting shit. But what about moving it to phone? Or is that more concrete? If she's like, here's my phone number. Yeah, you don't want to text.

I say... Is it too legit to quit, though? Yeah. Oh, it is too legit to quit? No, it's not legit enough. That he would quit. quit yeah so you have to keep it with all within dming yeah but i i think you i think you send over your snapchat oh you move it to a different app entirely yeah snapchat so then it's more flirtatious and it disappears in the and there's it's it's like talking on a burner cell phone right any any any like like hint he has of like,

you know, being outed. Not wanting to be like too out. Yeah, exactly. Right. Like get caught out. And if you're on Snapchat,

don't take a screen grab. Then it lets them know. Yeah, exactly. Didn't, this just made me think of something. Remember when we were in Miami for the Super Bowl and you were texting a football player?

Yeah. And you, or you guys were DMing on Twitter. And you invited us to a party. Yeah. remember when we were in miami for the super bowl and you were texting a football player yeah and you or you guys were dming on twitter and you invited us oh yeah yeah and you wrote back holla yeah and then he didn't he was he was typing in a really cool way and then we were at dinner with like a bunch of like producers on this thing that we were working on and i'm like i don't know how to respond to like this football player because i want to seem cool but i don't know how to do that i don't know like what because i'm like a 25 year old white comedy writer and he's a football player so he's like yeah roll through around whatever and i don't want to be like that sounds great thanks thanks dude should i drop your

name at the door right exactly like yeah a lot of logistical questions. And so I think I crowdsourced it and the table or at the very least one person convinced me to just write back, holla, H-O-L-L-A. And that was the last time I texted Joe Montana. Let's go to break. Should we say who it was? It's kind of a weird coincidence now and it's not outing him in any way. Yeah, yeah, that's true like he didn't do anything bad and neither did i yeah but i guess like since he's been caught up in scandal since since it sort of makes it feel like oh yeah whatever sure we can say it it was joe montana i

don't know what to say no No, it was Ray Rice. Yeah. Yeah. Whether you know who that is or not, that just completes the story and actually completes the first half of this episode. Great first half. Let's take a break and we'll be back with more If I Were You after this. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support

because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody,

but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

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And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results.

It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we are returned. It is January of Fish, which means our shows in Hawaii and Australia are even more so right around the corner. Hawaii. Hawaii. Hola. Wait, how do around the corner. Hawaii. Hawaii.

Hola. Oh, wait. How do you do it? Hola. Aloha. Aloha. Aloha. We'll figure it out before we get there.

Aloha. Hawaii, February, Friday, February 17th. And then- Honolulu. That's right, Honolulu. And then Melbourne and Sydney, Thursday, March 16th, and Saturday, March 18th. We are coming back to Australia.

I'm so pumped. And we're going to Streeter. Those shows are going to be crazy. If you haven't purchased tickets yet, they are going faster than normal. We sold these shows out last time we were there. Let's try to do it again. Fuck yeah.

Those are going to be fun. And tickets, all that information is at our website, jacobandmirror.com. Last time we did, was it Melbourne on Friday or Saturday? It was, yeah. Yeah, it was Sydney on Thursday. Wait, no. I thought Sydney was like, ended up being like a Monday or something. It did feel like a weekend, but I don't know if it was the weekend.

Oh, wait, no, it, because we raged after. Yeah, it was Friday, Melbourne, Saturday, Sydney. Yeah. And then the next day was like all the way across the country. Yeah. Didn't we have a day off to, or no? To get to Perth? Maybe we didn't.

Oh, man. I thought it was so fucking hungover. So check us out. Come party, come hang, come laugh, come love melbourne on the 16th in sydney on the 18th of march um what else anything um no but hit us up you know like hit us up hit us up if you have something cool or interesting to do in australia i feel like last time we were like we were traveling every single day and this time time, since we only have two cities, we're spending a little bit more time.

We're also like, we have like several days after, we're only doing two shows, and then we have several days afterwards in Sydney. My goal is to meet an Australian footy player who can like take us around. Oh, you want to meet an AFL star. Yeah, that's what's up. A Nat Phyfe type.

I want to fucking party with Phyfe. Really? Can you imagine? Is Phyfe on Twitter? What a strike. Oh, what a strike. Nat Phyfe. Last time we were in Australia, we took in two Aussie Rules football matches and just soaked it in so much, became huge fans for about a week.

I really do want to go. Yeah. Oh, shit. Do they play during this time? I don't know because I didn't stick with it. But everyone told us that the best Australian rules football player, the Michael Jordan of footy, was Nat Phyfe, Nathan Phyfe. Let's see if he's on Twitter.

Do you think? We could slide into his DMs with a clown emoji. And an eggplant. We get arrested at the border by Nat Phyfe. We land and he just beats the shit out of us. Wait, this can't be right. No. This says Nat Phyfe.

No, this can't be. What is it? This says Nat Phyfe has a thousand Twitter followers. And he's an AFL footballer who's 22 years old. That sounds about right. And then he hasn't tweeted in two years. Maybe he got it when he was an amateur. And then, oh, weird.

Does he have an Instagram? There's lots of different mediums where we could slide into the DMs. Yeah, what's the Australian versions of Instagram? It's probably like butt-fucking a kangaroo. I'm serious. God, you think the world is... All right, we'll do some more research later

as to how we can stock this. Oh, wait, no, this guy is on Instagram. Oh, yeah, this is more. Okay, now we're here. How many Instagram followers? Nat Fyfe on Instagram has 121,000 Instagram followers. That's not bad. And his last one was a couple weeks ago.

All right. Is his name Nat Fyfe on Instagram? Yeah, Nat Fyfe. No number? No number. Just Nat Fyfe. And he is just a cool, long-haired, blonde, Australian football god. This is what you wanted your hair to look like eventually.

Your brightness is too low, but I'm sure you are. You want it to be like this jacked Heath Ledger type. Oh, yeah. My God. Very cool. At the very least, I'm buying that shirt. At the very least, I can be like Fife in that way. I'll buy some green cleats and a footie ball.

Oh, and he's also a surfer. That makes sense. All right. Shall we try to answer some more questions? Yeah, I'm ready. Let me see what we got. I want to make sure I read these correctly. And I don't know where my email is so i can't do that um until

i open up the tab take your time i am a couple months back into fife's instagram and what do you see wow just a guy who's got it all isn't it cool to be like a superstar in your country and then he comes to america and nobody knows who he is? That must be a weird feeling. Yeah. Like, don't you guys know I'm the best athlete ever? Who's the most famous person that's not famous in America? I think it's like those Bollywood people.

Oh, that like can't go anywhere and then they come here and nobody knows who the heck they are. And I wonder if they are literally the most famous people in the world because of the population. I wonder if there's any version of that in reverse, like the most famous person in America that goes to London and nobody knows who they are. Probably. Would it be like an American football player? Like would Tom Brady? But people would know who he is in London, right?

Tom Brady. I mean, there's probably plenty of musicians. I feel like if the guys from Chainsmokers went anywhere. Yeah, I mean, I don't even know who he is now, and I am in America. All right, ready? Yeah. Let's see, let's see.

Oh, this one's about high school. You got a high schooler's name? Yeah. All right, cool. Twang Didelman. Okay. Twang Didelman writes, I'm a high school freshman in Toronto and I'm in a bit of a predicament. I'm new at my high school, but I came from another school nearby with a lot of other people, so I've had a bunch of friends going into my first year. Here's the thing. Oh, this guy sounds like the dude that went to another country and wasn't famous. Here's the thing. I'm conflicted about who I want to hang out with. On one hand, I hang out with a group of friends who are pretty innocent, and I feel very comfortable around. But on the other hand, I hang out with another group of

friends who are quite less innocent, with whom I frequently get drunk and high with, and so on. I'm not pressured into anything or anything, and I actually have fun with this less innocent group, but I feel a lot less comfortable. In this group is a very close friend who I've been bros with for three years. He's the Jake to my Amir, and if I were to leave this friend group, I'd kind of be leaving him, which I don't want to do. Please also take into account that we've kind of grown apart a little, and it feels a bit weird and slightly awkward whenever I'm with him just alone, so I feel like it's okay keeping him as a friend when we're together in this group. Now, it may seem like the obvious solution is to just hang out with both group of friends, but to be honest, I feel like two different people around each group

and it's probably not good for me to continue this whole double life. So who should I be? What should I do? Thanks for the advice. Long time fan. Love. What do you call him?

Twang. Deedleman. Do you remember the groups of friends, the cliques? Yeah, it was definitely, I think this is not unique to Twang. This happened to me in high school too. So you can't, you couldn't choose. You had this or that.

I was like the coolest nerd or the least cool popular kid. You were like in the middle of these two leagues. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you were either the best minor league baseball player in the world or the shittiest major leaguer. Yeah. And definitely like in the popular kid group, it was like, because I made the guys and I made people laugh. No one was ever thinking he was cool or hot.

There wasn't like a girl that I could hook up with in, I guess, either group because the nerd guys didn't hang out with any girls. Right. So did you guys have names for the group we had names oh you did we just had the cool like the popular kids oh you would call them like we're gonna go hang out with the popular kids you would say the popular kids um i think no i guess i didn't ever i didn't have like a discussion with my friends be like oh the popular kids might hang out yeah just called them by their names yeah but like definitely that was the the assumed right by like senior or junior year of my high school since there was only like 80 kids the cliques the cliques were so well established that they had

like names what were they so our group was called the kramers because we had two kramers in it because uh we had a set of twins whose last name was Kramer. So like the most of them are named Kramer. So these guys are the Kramers. So it had nothing to do with like your personality being like Michael Richards on Seinfeld. Yeah, oh yeah, different Kramer. Then there was the Franklins

who was like a bunch of Persian kids. One of them's last name was Franklin. He's very creative on the naming front. He doesn't say like what the cliques are about yeah yeah that you do that describes like generally the people right i got it but the kramers didn't or the very least kramers didn't mix with the franklins no you didn't want to mix between franklins and kramers but then some of the kramers were in the capulets yeah we couldn't do that but my group was not the like drinking partying group.

Although some of the cool Kramers still did. You would have been a cool Kramer. Really? Yeah. What an honor. Because I went to parties and I was like afraid of like, I didn't want to get high in high school. Right.

I was like a don't do drug Kramer. But then there were the cool kids who like straight up just smoked pot even in ninth grade. So the cool kids just do drugs, huh? Is that what it is? I don't know. But why are they doing, when did you smoke pot for the first time? It's when I was like 14 or 15, eighth grade, ninth grade.

And who taught you how to do it? My friend, Tom. He was 11. He was a year older than me. I mean, like we hung out every once in a while. And then one day he was like, come over after school. I have a surprise. Wow.

And were you scared to do it or are you down? I was a little scared to do it. I was like, I felt. Did the don't do drugs thing register at all to you? It wasn't about the don't do drugs, this will disappoint people. But it was more about what will it feel like? I have no idea what this thing is. Yeah.

And then, and I like remember thinking I didn't want to do it, but then like, you know, really not wanting to disappoint Tom in the moment when he had it. And like,

I remember also walking down, I was like, I bet it's going to be pot. Like shit, what should I do? Fuck me. And then, well,

then I tried it. And? It was fun. Did you get high the first time? I don? Fuck me. And then I tried it. And? It was fun. Did you get high the first time? I don't really remember. I think I did a little bit. That's awesome, dude. Yeah, it was kind of fun.

So if you were to go back to your future, past self, basically where this guy is right now, what do we call him? Twang? Twang. If you were to go back to your past self, which is where twang is right now, would you tell them, listen, stick with the nerds? Or would you say, you got to be a cool kid? I would tell them to keep on bouncing, man.

I know that's not what he wants to hear, but you hang out with as many people as you can. It's the best way to get a sense of who you actually are. Listen, we all know that's not possible. This is high school after all. He's been doing it. Were you doing both? Yeah. Oh, you didn Were you doing both? Yeah.

Oh, you didn't have to choose? No. I would hang out with my loser friends, and then if any of the popular kids called me, I was... I was like a fucking heartbeat. Bye, old best friend. I'm going to do something called weed. It was a little bit like that. I mean, I think I had like my favorite friends and i liked hanging out with the cool kids because i did like uh i liked being like making them laugh and i liked

doing drugs so it was definitely more like i was trying to do that i don't think high schoolers should do drugs yeah that's fine it's fine that I think that or you agree? I think they shouldn't do drugs. I'm just telling in my experience. Got it. Good then. We agree. 15-year-olds shouldn't.

Also, weed's fine. What? Weed's okay. All right. Who should I be? What should I do? I'll say hang out with the less cool people

just because this is if I were you this is what I would do in your situation I didn't hang out with the cool kids I was scared to do drugs I turned out alright usually the nerds maybe end up doing better than the cool kids if you did a quick scan of the nerds that you're hanging out with and the cool

kids who's in a better place right now in my head yeah the nerds and the cool they're all fucked everyone but me is bad uh i don't know it's i mean uh you think about mike carnell he wasn't like a a nerd yeah that dude's directing uh for Seth Meyers now shit but he went through a rough patch

for sure and turned out an even better person oh fuck now I don't know what to think I really don't know what the answer is

I don't think that it's like quite so black and white as like the cool kids get fucked like peak in high school and then are bad afterwards and the nerds yeah there's definitely gonna be exceptions but is there a general rule I don't even know cool kids get fucked like peak in high school and that are bad afterwards and the nerds yeah

there's definitely going to be exceptions but is there a general rule i don't even know i think that the general rule is like people that are self-reflective tend to do better and it sounds like this guy's self-reflective see this is a sociological experiment that i think is either amoral or unethical or just a gosh darn waste of people's time. But I would like to see like how the kids who are considered cool at high school ended up doing as 30 year olds versus the kids who are quote nerds. Yeah, it seems like there should be a study. Maybe right after we suck the zit off your back, we can do like a 30 year study with cool rats and stuff.

Oh, that'd be cool. Rats and stuff. The rats that do coke and the rats that just solve the maze. Which rats have more enriching lives? All right, let's answer one more question just because we're here. Is that okay? It's fine with me. I have to pee a little bit, but I'm going to be okay.

All right, let's see what we can do here. A quickie, if we will. Here's a quickie. Let's call this guy Dady Dady Dada oh Dady Dada alright one second I'm trying to read

hey Dada what's your name Dady Dada actually we're out of time awesome I have to piss Dady Dada writes my girlfriend of high school and I go to the same college which is a great thing because it would have sucked to have split up our strong relationship. She's an amazing girl and I see us lasting a very long time. That's what, so what's the problem you ask? The only thing that she, the only thing that is bothering me is that she's very religious and she wants to save herself for marriage. In fact, your boy won't even be able to make it to third base. Even that isn't the problem. I respect her and her decisions sexually. The problem is the massive blue balls she lives me with. When we engage in any somewhat sexual activity, it's cut short and it's quite the

tease of grandeur. I've never been one to watch porn more than a couple times a week. Is watching porn the only way I can successfully get my needs met? I guess I'm asking if you guys can help me get off some way I don't already know how. Toda Rabah, longtime fan. Wow. So this guy, two funny things. You're looking into different ways to cum besides jerking off. Is there a pill I can take that'll satisfy me and make me cum instantly without having to look at porn? It seems like you should be having lots of wet dreams. It's funny that he's like, she's very religious and won't have sex with me, but that's not the problem.

The problem is that she leaves me with blue balls. It's like, no, the original thing is the problem. Yeah, you have a symptom of the problem. Yeah. The problem isn't that she stabs me a lot. The problem is that I'm bleeding to death. Oh, I see. So is there a different way to get off other than jerk off?

Jerking off? And that's probably the best way that's going to happen for you, I think. Yeah, I guess you can accidentally... Have sex with somebody else yeah an oopsie daisy uh but i think like sex and stimulation from other people would be cheating on her yeah so stimulating yourself is kind of the a number one way to go yeah so your two moves right now are get married which a lot of people in this situation do at too young of an age in order so they can have sex or two uh leave yeah you don't have to be in a relationship that's right and then maybe she'll be like okay maybe they're having savings

myself isn't well all right don't get into the manipulative thing like that's but if she says we should break up because i'm not comfortable and and then she's like, okay, never mind. I won't do the saving myself thing. That makes me a little uncomfortable. I understand what you're saying. That scares me. Do you ever hear about guys saving themselves, or is it mostly a lady thing? I hear about both.

Guys being like, I'm not having sex until marriage. Yeah, I guess I hear more of it from couples. I don't know who's the impetus. Yeah, but I think I hear more like, from couples i don't know like who is the impetus right yeah but i i think i hear more like we are saving ourselves for marriage although aren't hand jobs not third base couldn't she do that i don't know we should really consult the priest all right priest come on in uh so you what do you think you think he has to either masturbate until they get married? Yeah. I think that maybe also he should check in and be like,

do I want to marry somebody that's this religious? Maybe he's religious too. Yeah. What if he's religious too? Don't just think of her religion in terms of not fucking you. Think of it as, you know, do you want to be with a very, very religious person? It's kind of weird because if this is literally the only problem, it will go away once they get married. Yeah.

But at the same time, I feel like weird to advise them to get married. That seems like the easy way out. I don't like not having sex before you're married. Sex is such an important part of any relationship. Yeah, what if it's bad? You're compatible. No sex, no living with each other? Yeah,

that's weirds me out. What's the deal with that? What's the religious thing about that? It's like a waste of semen? I never read the Bible, but yeah, I think it was a waste of semen.

Imagine how hard, because you're not even supposed to masturbate, right? I guess maybe. Like, does God really expect you not to nut

until you're married? I think the, I guess the religious thing is like, you're not not to nut until you're married? I think the... I guess the religious thing is, like, you're not supposed to spill your seed and let, like... It's like a waste of what God gave you. Yeah, I guess it is a waste of semen. Yeah. So it's just, like, you should really only be having babies. But it's sort of weird, like, sex before marriage, because...

Is it marriage? Is it because, like, once you're married, then you start having babies? Yeah. Wouldn't it be just as religious to be like, we're going to start having sex now. No birth control, no anything. We'll have babies. It's to have babies.

Yeah. You could also do that. And it feels like God would be like, all right, that's fine. Next episode, let's just read the Bible. Soup to nuts, Genesis to the end. That sounds cool. See what happens.

Genesis is the first one? Well, we'll figure it out on Monday. What's the last one? Exodus. Rogue One. From Genesis all the way to Rogue One. We're going to read everything that's ever been written. All right.

That's it. We're out of time. Thanks for listening. Todah. Happy New Year again. Opening theme song was Hamilton Parody. Closing one was Don, who wrote this Yes Dude sort of remix of sorts.

Yes Dude. Oh, email address, if you have your own questions, is ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. Now that we're done with this episode of the podcast, we wanted to recommend another HeadGum podcast to you guys. Oh yeah, if you're taking a long trip and you need another podcast to listen to. Or if you're just interested in more podcasts to consume, we've been hearing nothing but great things,

and deservedly so, for our newest HeadGum podcast called Who Weekly. Yes. Which is Lindsay and Bobby, and it's a pop culture podcast. That's right. If you are a fan, if you are a consumer of the reality TV scene, D-list celebrity, People Magazine, TMZ, pop culture, subculture. Or if you want to get caught up, because honestly, that's not my bag usually, but I listen to a couple episodes of their podcast, and it's just straight up funny.

It's a really funny show. It deserves a wider audience is what we're saying. So if you're interested, if your curiosity has peaked a little bit, head over to headgum.com and check out the latest episode or two of Who Weekly. We really think you will like it. As for us, we'll be back next Monday. Toad off for listening, everybody. Oh, shit. This guy, yes, dudes. This guy, Don. Don. Don, Don, Don, Don, Don, Don, Don. Yes, dude. be back next monday uh toad off for listening everybody oh shit this guy yes dudes this guy

don don don don don don don don yes dude he had something to say and nah i need to i need to i need to pull it oh yeah there we go don uh kianion kianion is that name. That sounds like a name we would make up on the show. And he had a Squarespace site for his band, www.wolfriot, wolf-riotwith2ts.com. You're not making it easy on me, Don Kianian. Don Kianian. Wolf-riotwith2ts.com. If you like the song, check it out. All right, Toto, goodbye. Thank you. What? Like salmon and rice, the Jewish equivalent is lox on a bagel. Oh. That was a HeadGum Podcast.

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