Segments - 254: Topless Tuesday

Episode Date: January 16, 2017

In this episode we discuss new years resolutions, oral sex, and selfies. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. It's alright to send in your questions to these dudes Make sure that you read them and they try to help you Don't think of you being made fun of Cause if you're a jackass, prepare yourself for If I were you, show it's so damn fucking dope Cause if you're a jackass, prepare yourself for war If I were you, show, it's so damn fucking dope You'll never wanna miss any episode

So every Monday, why don't you please make way To listen to these dudes, Jake and Amir Moore Jake and Amir Jake and Amir Jake and Amir Sometimes I guess they're pretty chill Oh shit man it finally happened

Do you know what that song is called? It's called Damn It. I always thought that song was called I Guess This Is Growing Up. No, it's called Damn It. Yeah, it's called Damn It. You're right. Yeah. Was that fucking Hoppus that sang that?

No, it was our old- That's so dope, man. It's not. I can't believe he listens to this show. I should text him I should text Mark And just say yo man thanks for the song Hope all is well or something Do you have his number?

No Oh you just want to be able to text him If someone could get me Mark Hoppus' number I could text him and say yo man It's Jake hope all is well Thanks for the song. Of course. That's actually soon becoming our new favorite theme songwriter, Josh No Joshua.

Ooh, yeah. Who's on Instagram and SoundCloud as Josh No Joshua. Sorry, love from Brazil. He's Brazilian. Ooh, very good. He says, hope you like it. I think Jake will appreciate it. So, thoughts?

Excuse me? He said, hope you guys like it. I think Jake will appreciate it. Huh? I guess he thinks you're a Blink-182 fan. Yeah, I'm a Mark Hoppus fan. That's why it's so awesome that Mark Hoppus wrote that for me. How old was Blink-182 when they wrote that song?

And then how old were you when you loved it? Was it like a 23-year-old writing to a 12-year-old? Well, I guess I don't know how old Mark Hoppus was when he wrote What's My Age Again? Because in that song, he specifically references the fact that he's 23. Yeah. I guess I imagine that they wrote Damn It when they were 21, and I loved it when I was 15. But you also loved it when you were 21.

I mean, I love it now. Yeah. And I'm way older. Fine wine. It's aged well. It grows better with age. Yeah. I guess I loved it the max when I was like 16 or 17.

Which is pretty close to like the age of the artist. Yeah. Well, I don't know. How old is Mark Hoppus now? Like 42 or something? That's a good question. Mark Hoppus. I feel like Hoppus is a level of dude we can get on the show.

You think so? Yeah, I think so. He's absolutely incredible. He's 44. Let's see how many Twitter followers he has. It's going to be... You think it's in the M? You think he's got M's?

It's funny because I do think that, but I just have this bad feeling that it's going to be so much lower. But I think it's in the M's. Good news, man. It's almost 3M. Is it really? Yeah.

Hell yeah. So you think we can get that on the show? He won't even respond to us on Twitter. Really? I don't think so. I think we can figure out a way to get his attention. Maybe when this episode comes out. He did make a video with CollegeHumor back in the day.

That's true. Streeter might know him. I don't know if he... I feel like everybody reads their tweets, even like someone like Hoppus. Yeah, but when you're, I think when you have 3 million followers. It's just constant. Yeah, there are like some days where I don't read all of my ads and I have so much, I have honestly probably half the followers that Mark Hoppus has.

Yeah, wow. So much less than half. Half would be a million and a half. That's awesome for me. I mean, that's still pretty good. I guess maybe he will read a tweet from me. First of all, even in your delusion of grandeur, you said you don't think you have half as many. Right. So you have 70,000. So as many right so you have 70 000 so how many

is that compared to hop well you have if if half is 1.5 million yeah you have a uh one tenth of half of that one tenth of half of that so half twice and then a tenth all All right, move on. Dot org. I'm saying, if I tweet at Hoppus the day this episode comes out and says, at Mark Hoppus, hey, would you please be on our podcast? And then everyone

who wants to help us out replies to that or retweets it. Oh my God, you gotta. Then he'll think we have thousands of, I mean, we do have thousands, but he thinks if thousands of people are retweeting

and commenting on Twitter about it, then we must have millions of fans. Little does he know, we personally asked everybody listening to find that tweet. Well, he might find out that we are doing this now. I don't think he'll find this part out. I think that somebody's going to fucking spill the beans. Well, now they're going to spill it

because you told them to spill the beans. All right, don't spill the beans. Why'd you even put the spill beans in their head? Now some troll is going to spill the beans. Troll-a-la-la-la-la-la. All right, so nobody spill the beans. Everyone retweet and organically chime in. Say, yeah, this would be great.

Oh, definitely, totally. It would be fucking great. I agree. That's why it's not that terrible of an ask. Yeah. So find the tweet. I'll put it online by it's not that terrible of an ask. Yeah. So find the tweet. I'll put it online by the time, hopefully you guys are listening to this. Mark Hoppus, I assume he lives in LA, right?

Or did he? I think they, maybe he lives in LA. I remember they're from San Diego. They might be like so rich and successful to the point where you get to like move back to just kind of be wherever you want. Didn't you, weren't you at a hockey game once, sitting next to him? Yeah, I talked to him at a hockey game one time.

Did you, were you a big fan, or were you like, you're everything, you're my Elvis? I played it kind of cool for a little while, and we were just talking about stuff, and I had made a joke, and then midway through the hockey game or like near the end i was like i'm never gonna get to tell him this again so i was like i'm a you're i i'm a big fan i like grew up listening to you and he's like and then he was just like thanks and then he didn't

talk to me anymore it is funny like why i would do that too if I sat next to, let's say, Larry David or Woody Allen at a hockey game. I'm like, oh my God, I have to tell him. I feel such a need. What if I don't tell him? It doesn't affect him. It's not for him. It is definitely for you. You're right, but why am I happy if I don't share this with him?

He has to know that I love him a lot. He has to know that. Otherwise I'm going to regret it. What if I live my life and I never confess to him that I'm a fan of his? Yeah. What a waste it would be. I guess it probably would have been a better experience if I didn't say anything, because then maybe he would have like warmed up to me, talked to me like a peer. Oh yeah. And then I could have like left and been like, Mark Hoppus was friendly to me. Yeah, but can you imagine like saying to your friends or people that knew you were such a big fan that you sat next to Mark Hoppus and didn't say anything? Did you tell him how much you loved him? Nah, it didn't come up.

It was... You had to tell him. How did you not say to him that you're a fan of him? I think it's like the hope is that you get like validated in some real way for loving them for that long. Right. I grew up listening to you. I think you're amazing. And you get some sort of like, that's awesome.

That's why I do it. Thanks for sharing that. Or is it the goal of he's like, that's awesome. We should be friends. I don't know if I ever thought that he was going to be like, no way i should hang out with you that's cool man let's do litter he he would have way too many friends if he hung out with all of his fans 2.92 million fans anyway i would love to have him on and talk about this i bet he uh doesn't remember being at this hockey game this is what we could talk to him about on the show. Yeah.

Find our tweet, guys. Chime in. All right. What is this? This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the interweb, hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake.

What we do is answer people's questions. They'll email us. They're confused. They're scared. They're at a crossroad in their lives of sorts, and we do our best to tell them what we would do in their similar situation. Thousands of emails. Only the best of the best make it to the show. I found two. You found two in this episode. That's correct.

Let's start with one of mine. Okay. I forwarded it to us and I said, question one. No, I don't know if I can find it. Oh, here we go. All right. Question one writes, should we call this guy Mark? That's a great idea. We're going to give him, give this real email from a real person, fake name, just to preserve his anonymity. Mark writes, I'm writing because I don't know how to properly deal with this situation.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for close to a year now, and we are really, really happy. We've known each other since my sophomore and her freshman year of college, now four years, and we're really good friends before we started dating. In the almost year that we've been together, we have never had a single argument because we agree on pretty much every topic you could. Recently, however, I discovered that she has been occasionally sending nudes to a Tumblr page that does a submission-based, quote, topless Tuesday. These were all photos that were sent to me first, so she doesn't think it's a problem. However, I think it is. I brought it up a few times, but I never went fully into it because I don't want to ruin our streak of never

having an argument. We're moving in together within the next few months and I plan to put a ring on it soon after. I feel like I should be the only person to see her naked. I feel like I should be the only person to see her naked. But she feels like it's a piece of self-expression. Please help me figure out how to bring this up to her. Love, Mark. Let's call him mark interesting question so it looks like uh maybe they maybe they do disagree on some shit i'm pretty busy right now on this topless tuesday tumblr oh is it a is it a thing uh you tell me, brother. Oh, my boobs. It's a thing. Look at her boobs. So, I think the biggest detail here is that the pictures are of boobs, no face.

Are they? Uh, there's some face. Now there's some face, no boobs. Yeah, there's several actually Topless Tuesday tumblers. This one's Face Bra. So I guess the topless part is sort of a stretch. All right, so anyway, start from the beginning. The beginning is this guy gets photos from his girlfriend,

and she wants to express herself even to a wider audience, submits her photos to a Topless Tuesday tumbler where anybody can see the nudity. And his problem is clear. He doesn't want his girlfriend doing that. Yeah. And his reason to not make an issue is because they've never had a fight. Yeah, you don't want to ruin the street.

Is the reason you've never had a fight because you're too much of a coward to bring up any time that you disagree with your girlfriend? That could be a definite reason as to why people don't fight. If somebody is so passive, then they would never fight. I don't think it's like a point. It's not necessarily a good thing if you never fight with your significant other. It's the quality of your fights that matter.

Like, do you have... Not the quantity. Do you have fights and disagreements that you can discuss rationally without blowing up at each other and understand and empathize with the other person's point of view and not lose your patience and see the fight through to the end? That's a good fight. That's an interesting fight. And you want to have those fights. You want to have these disagreements and discussions. Yeah.

It makes your relationship evolve. But then if you're like, oh, we never fight and I don't even want to get these like disagreements and discussions. Yeah. It makes your relationship evolve. But then if you're like, oh, we never fight and I don't even want to like get into it at all. That's not necessarily healthy. That's just like you guys, you know, sweeping things under the rug that. Yeah. Never. Get that lumpy ass rug. You're eventually going to trip on it, you know?

What was that? That was, I made sort of, I think, a decent joke. Size. Yeah, and then I sort of laughed like a dolphin. I see. That was you laughing at the joke, not somebody pantomiming somebody slipping on the rug. Oh, yeah, yeah. That was me laughing at my own joke as if I were like...

Like a dolphin. Kind of like a dolphin. kind of like a monkey. Like, ah, ah. I see. I see. Like a dolphin doing a trick where it's sort of making noise for the audience and maybe skimming across the top of the lake. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Nearly entirely. What's the opposite of submerged? Post-merged. Uh-huh. Yeah. Just the bottom 10% sort of gliding across the top of the lake. Yeah.

Making noises, waving to the crowd. And that's what you said at the end of a joke. I do think it was a good point. You sweep enough things under the rug and you're going to trip over the lumps. So the question, how about this deeper question is is is this something that would perturb you and why what's the deeper psychological thing beyond uh his rationale which is these photos are meant for me only yeah it's weird i don't know i don't think like they're photos of her they're meant for whoever she wants to share them with. So, but why?

I mean, I would also be a little uneasy. I guess I wouldn't. I would also be uneasy, but not because I would be like, I'm the only person allowed to see you naked. It would be more like, what if like my parents saw this somehow? What if my friends found out? What if like, I don't know. But is it them seeing it or is it them judging your girlfriend being like, hey, now everyone thinks you're kind of crazy and that's a bad look for me.

Right. I guess, and that is a weird thing. In theory, it is fine, whatever she wants to do with the photos. But I guess my question would be like, why did you want to do this with the photos? Yeah. What did you get out of this that we can't provide for each other? Yeah, validation probably. I remember talking to you once about how certain ladies on Instagram just post pictures, sexy pictures of themselves. And I was like, that's so interesting because i wouldn't do that but what i my version of that is posting funny pictures i always want the pictures

to be funny because i think i'm funny oh yeah that's my value for some people men or women their value is their looks is like i want to just post hot photos they don't have to be funny they don't even think about making them funny. They just want to be like attractive, attractive, attractive. Yeah. There's also the idea that you have, somebody like you, you like go to shows and people come and see you

and people take photos of you, but there's not necessarily a lot of like, you know, for people that post a lot of photos themselves, what other outlet do they have of photos of them being posted? Sort of like up to them. Yeah, they have to do it. And I also sometimes post pictures of myself that I think I look good in. I'm like, oh, that's a good picture of me.

And I have to like post it, but then I have to post it with a funny caption. Otherwise, I have to like wink at everyone and be like, post it with a funny caption otherwise i have to like wink at everyone be like you can't make fun of the fact that i'm posting basically a headshot because i'm gonna make a funny comment yesterday i'm handsome here my facebook profile picture yeah i wrote i'm handsome it's like the next level of being like i know that you think i'm just doing this because i'm think i'm handsome i'm gonna undercut it with a joke it's like no now the joke is that i'm plainly saying in the caption i'm handsome you can't say it yeah the eminem theory if i'm gonna make fun of myself tell them something they don't know about me i don't know how we got into this oh self-expression

yeah so this lady wants to self-express herself, express herself by posting topless photos of her on the internet. Can this guy have an argument about it? You can definitely have an argument about anything. Who knows if you're in the right? Right. Is there a right? No, because it's not illegal to post photos of yourself on the internet topless or otherwise well i guess if you're underage but she's not so she wants to post these photos

uh you don't want her to post the photos yeah i think you've got to really examine why you don't want her to post the photos uh it's a hard hard question to ask yourself. And maybe it is just like straight up, I am jealous. I don't want other people looking at your naked body. I think that should just be for me. That's like a cool privilege I get

for dealing with your other shit. I think that's like a little controlling or something. Maybe it's not. Who knows? But that's not like what I would be super concerned by. Right.

But then you have to also, you got to, once you have that discussion, you've got to be willing to have the ensuing argument because you guys are diametrically opposed on this one issue. Foes. Yeah. Please help me figure out how to bring this up to her uh probably very plainly simply stating oh bt dubs i feel really uncomfortable when i see photos of your naked body on the internet yeah and she'll say why and you'll say uh this is what you've this is where you've already decided exactly

what you're gonna say so but i think whatever his reasons are i think a bad early the very least bad sounding reason is because these belong to me because i think that will turn her off because that seems very possessive right like photos of her naked body belong to you. And that's sort of like the doofus meathead immediate response. Like, because they're my tits. Yeah. But like there's like a more thoughtful way of phrasing that. Like you do feel like these tits are just for you to look at because it's a special bond between you and your loved one. Yeah, they're private parts.

A very intimate, private thing. Literally private. That you would imagine that you only want to share with each other and because they're being shared her tits are being shared with a wider audience i feel like it's diluting this the the specialness of seeing them when you guys are having your own intimate moments yeah so that is sort of a long winded way of saying they're my tits but like i i think that you come the pure heart rule once again rises you say

you say there's only so much specialty coming out of your breasts and you're sharing it with the world and I get less of it how about how do you like this live stream he starts J-ing oh she loves it what

how can you love this self-expression this self-love you've got to explore it from the most uh from the most loving aspects of your of your mind don't think of it as like they're my tits you can't show them to other people you have to think of it why as like, they're my tits. You can't show them to other people. You have to think of it, why do you think they're your tits? Or why are her tits so special? And why do the things that happen to her tits and the people who see her tits, why does it make you feel good or bad or otherwise? And it's not just strictly because they're your tits. It's because you care about the tits a lot. Yeah, you basically can't force her to do it. You have to sort of give her your thoughts. And then she has to make up her own mind to say, you know what,

the positive feelings that I get of posting my boobies aren't worth the negative feelings that I'm inflicting on to my future fiance. And the last thing I'll say on this is to be very patient because just like you're trying to change her mind to not put her tits online, she may try to change your mind to let her do it. Yeah. Or to at least to not let her do it, but to feel comfortable with her doing it. So be open to that too. I will say that if it's the photos of the boobies without the face, he has less of a leg to stand on. Yeah. Well, but what if her argument is like, my face isn't in it, so it's not a bad thing. Like I'll never get, they'll never find out that it's me. Yeah. I would, to that, I would say people might find out it's you. How? There's identifying things on your body.

You could find out what email address submitted them. There's ways that this... If she's like, oh, I'm submitting them and it's totally anonymous, it's a safe space. Yeah. I don't think that's necessarily true. Right. So she's got to be cool with it it potentially being uh a known fact that those are her tits but wouldn't that bother you less if there was faceless yeah it would definitely

bother me less but i'd still like want to know why she felt like uh she wanted to do it all right all right let's uh get to another question let's call this guy travis this one is one that you found he plays the drums in my favorite band alright Travis writes I'm not sure how to proceed with a really far out woman I've met recently I think there's a real connection here the only thing is she's dating a friend of mine

uh oh bum bum bum her and I always seem to catch each other's gaze. We share a lot of personal and creative stuff and tend to engage in a healthy amount of physical contact. Not to mention, she seems to be fine with our slowly, increasingly flirty conversations and seemed to be cold towards her boyfriend,

sometimes turning away from his affection and sticking up for me between normal guy-to-guy ribbing. I've considered that she might just be a flirty person, but I haven't seen her being like this to other guys. We've hung out once on our own, and there was some really serious conversation, like how she doesn't feel attracted to her boyfriend and how he smothers some of her favorite activities of her personality. That particular time felt a lot like her first date. We walked around the park, got coffee, went back to my place to smoke some of that wacky tobacco and chill with her cat.

My friend and I are fairly good pals, but I've been seeing our friendship differently after picking up some weird vibes when I once brought a dime piece around him. How do I navigate a sticky sitch like this? Hugs and kisses, Travis. Definitely feels like some of the weird vibes you might catch from your friend could be because you're stealing his girlfriend. Very openly and plainly. Imagine if you were dating someone and I was just like, yeah, we walked around the park, got coffee, got high, and hung out with her cat.

That wouldn't be okay. No. This guy also seems like he's super hypersensitive to the point of projecting. He's like, oftentimes she'll side with me on certain guy-to-guy ribbings that I've noticed. I think she sort of stole me a gaze during one argument, and I felt like she was implicitly... We often catch each other's gaze. It's like you stare at her a lot.

Sometimes she has to look at you by default, by accident. This is like that Friends episode where Chandler was a better match with Joey's girlfriend. Oh, yeah. Remember, and then Chandler went into the box with Joey's girlfriend. Oh, yeah. Remember? And then Chandler went into the box to apologize. I do remember that. But then eventually Joey told him to run after her because, you know what?

Sometimes people just do belong better with other people. And did they? I think they ended up dating. That person was Monica. Monica. It is interesting like sometimes sometimes people's girlfriends just belong better with other people i guess right yeah just by borderline by accident uh destiny fate i don't know what you want to call it like somebody might be an all right fit with one person but a much better fit with his friend have you ever felt like that about one of my girlfriends?

Not one of your girlfriends. I wonder if I ever felt like that with any girlfriend, any friend's girlfriend. Again, what comes to mind is something that I talked about recently, where I went on a few dates with someone. I'm like, you belong with my friend better than me. I've never like, I've never wanted to steal a friend but I've thought like, oh, this fit would be better with them. Yeah. But, it must happen,

right? And it sounds like this guy's very willing to sacrifice the friend to hang out with the girl. He loves the girl and he's sort of like, I like my,

me and my buddy get along. You're a lifelong friend. My friend and I are fairly good pals. So, is there any way to i think you have to you can't have both yeah i think it's especially with a friend if you the most you can really do here is like immediately stop pursuing it and then and you just yeah and like if a natural ever comes up with the this girl should be like i don't want to pursue anything until like while you're with my friend oh and

then that's that's very wink wink yeah if they're single if she's single then it's another hard conversation you have to have with the friend yeah like, like, this is kind of weird. Do you mind if I date her? Yeah, but at the very least, that's like a weirdness that can grow to, like, everyone is going to be fine and normal again. Has that ever happened in your friend group? A girl dating two guys within it?

Hmm. Yes, I know that it has. I can't think of it off the top of my head. Maybe, like, it was, it was junior high and then later on. Yeah. Well, I mean, even in our group of friends, people have all slept with each other and dated. Yeah, hooked up, but like legit girlfriends.

Right. I can't think of anything like that off the top of my head. But it had to have happened. Right? It had to have happened right it had to have uh i think the key is like how much time in between was there another girlfriend in between i feel like every like five to seven years that person is completely different so like if somebody in my friend group dated my first girlfriend it wouldn't be like whoa that, that's kind of weird. It's like, oh, it's been like 15 years. Right. And we're kind of different humans.

So this guy has to wait 15 years. No, not 15, but let's say, let's say one relationship to distance, distance himself from. Oh,

that's, I guess that's easy. So she can't be back to back. I, you mean like he wants, he, his friend needs to date somebody else. Yeah. And break up. and then he can be like.

Oh, maybe that's what it is. It's more about the friend finding someone else. Because then the friend can't be jealous because he's in a relationship. Yeah. So like once you're a friend is with somebody else, he can't be like, fuck, I'm jealous of you. Because that's sort of a slap to his current girlfriend. It's like, wait, why aren't you just happy in our relationship? Yeah.

I guess that makes it easier but i still think that as long as the two people are single then it's then it's then it's like fine it might be weird but even but it will also eventually be fine yeah because you can be upset and then you think like well i guess i have no reason to be upset we did break up right all right so here's what you do. Let it naturally end. It has to naturally end. You can't force the end. Stop going on dates with her because that's going to come back. She's going to eventually say, I've been on five dates with your friend.

And then once it naturally breaks up, wait a little bit. I say, wait until your guy finds another girl. Jake says you don't have to wait that long well i guess it depends on what he's like what if he's just like i want to enjoy being single right then you're like oh well shit i really want you to i really like you to settle down again with me uh all right that's it that's the that's the that's the advice also sounds like this guy just straight up wants to end his friendship with the guy and start dating this girl. Oh, yeah.

If you really don't care about the friendship with the guy, you might as well just go for the girl. I regret that. I think you'll regret that, but go ahead. All right. Let's take a break. We'll come back. I'll answer two more questions.

Chit, chat, and the other right after this. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology?

Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody,

but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah.

But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying

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now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey, and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do we have returned new year's resolutions do you have one fuck you know i failed on my last New Year's resolution. Which was what? Make my heel stop hurting. Still hurts? Yeah. As much?

Yeah, yeah. Zero improvement in 365 days. There's still things that do, that make it improve. Like when I spend all morning like rolling it out, stretching and like rest. Yeah. Yeah. I can like do things that make it feel better. Right. I do those as often as i can but yeah there's still no like i i fantasize about just being able to walk and not have pain and

that hasn't happened okay so is this year do you roll it over you say fuck that one let's fucking read more um i'm gonna i i'm gonna roll it over i've been like real hell-bent on... I have not slowed down. I started physical therapy on the heel now. And that's been minor improvements. Do you think that if in a thousand lifetimes you're living the last year,

there's one where you've healed your heel? I think so. I asked the doctor that I saw most recently if there was any hope for me after getting pain free. You turned your physical therapy into actual therapy.

Yeah. Is there a hope for me to be happy again? He did my assessment. We did a couple exercises. He's like, yeah, so do you have any questions for me? And I was like, will I ever be better? Is there any hope for me being able to run? Level with me, doc.

Just shoot me fucking straight, man. As long as I come to grips with that reality, maybe it won't kill me anymore. And what did he say? He said yes, but that it was going to be hard work and it was going to take a lot of effort, which I'm totally down for. I have not missed a day of the exercises

since he's given them to me. And can he explain it? Can he explain why you have pain always? down for i have not missed a day of the exercises since since he's given them to me and uh can you explain it can you explain why do you have pain always um not really it the most anybody's ever been able to explain is just that like inflammation is really really tricky and stubborn and if i've had it for like many years it's's really hard to fix it. Right. And that my body's also been like compensating for this pain in ways that I could never even understand. Your ear hurts? Even like my center of balance has shifted from like the middle of my body to the left side of my body because my left leg has been the one doing more of the supporting. Yeah, you're constantly doing gingerly walking on one side versus the other.

Exactly. So, stuff like that. And he's like, he's also testing, like, the way I breathe and, like, the muscles in my buttocks. Oh, yeah. I saw him squeezing a few of your buttocks. Yeah, he buried his face deep into my

buttocks. He told me a flatulence. He said, does this tickle? Yes, it does. Dolphin noise. So my resolution is to sue him. Use the cash to hire the best podiatrist in America to just put me under the knife, cut me open and take a fucking look. Amputate my foot. I don't even care.

It's interesting if they're like, we can cut off your foot and you would feel no pain. We'll give you a blade. I would almost definitely be down. I don't think that they could really guarantee that I'd feel no pain though because I'd have to learn to walk without a foot. Right.

Or give you a prosthetic foot that wouldn't hurt yeah that's like some sort of really low stakes episode of black mirror yeah i'd really want to the ability to potentially go back right if necessary uh so that and uh to get ripped uh you're gonna get ripped i'm gonna get ripped that's fun again how does that differ are you changing it up or you just going to continually do what you're doing? I don't know. It feels like getting ripped is also kind of intrinsically tied to my foot feeling better. Oh, like you can only get so ripped on an injured foot. Yeah, the best shape I was ever in was when I was doing sprint training.

Right, running. I haven't really been able to do that at all. And also those explosive CrossFit movements and shit. Jump and shit jumping yeah jump rope and burpees and shit that seems like something i really want to do and every time i do those i it hurts the fuck out of my heel yeah have you ever straight up just tried to sprint just to see what it would feel like at some point over the last four years, I definitely have tried to sprint. Like what if it just hurts as much as walking does anyway? Yeah.

That's actually one of my other resolutions is to just straight up sprint and see what happens. Just to see. Yeah. I definitely, I know that like doing burpees and jogging and jump rope did increase the pain. Oh, that's good.

So I imagine that sprinting is going to be the same. But I'm going to sprint on the track, which is a little more bouncy. So a lot of physical resolutions. I'm just going to go at it, get after it. What about you? I want to just become a better person, fix myself emotionally. I also want to make my fucking pack stronger i was just saying be nicer to others uh try to empathize more uh see my like fucking dope clothes

what i want to like really really i want my wardrobe to be on fleek and on point for the rest of the year what were you saying i was just saying if i can just empathize with let's say five people a day then i put like enough good spirit i get like a new pair of shoes it's every day of the week yeah that's fucking lit yeah i would borderline say it's lit af what were you saying about fucking connecting with a homeless dude or whatever what's your what's your real resolution oh my actual one is to work out more well specifically I'm working out with Billy

our really strong friend so since I hurt my ankle I was like inactive for two months so I told Billy New Year's resolution I'm gonna work out with you

every day Monday through Friday in January cause he works out every day does he work out five days a week or seven days a week

he goes to the gym four to five days a week and then days a week? He goes to the gym four to five days a week, and then he does basketball and other stuff on the weekends. So he goes to the gym nearly every single day. So he's exercising every single day. Yeah, but literally at the gym every day. So I said, I'll go with you. That'll kickstart my fitness.

I'll see if I... Because he did this with another friend of his. I guess I don't have to say his name uh but he that that guy gained like seven pounds of muscle in a month i'm like oh i want to try that fat too or was he already he was he was lean he was lean he was kind of like me like he didn't really have any fat and then he like shredded it got more muscle gained seven pounds in a month was he like super proud of himself yeah he was proud of himself does he could you notice the difference in his body uh i think so i didn't i didn't i didn't really know this friend beforehand but seeing him now he's all like pretty much as strong as i am and he had never worked out before wow yeah that's pretty cool he's like but he's like

a lean strong guy in general he's like doing stuff with his hands and so what if uh i mean if you work out every day in january with billy yeah that's only one month are you gonna like keep it up that's the question yeah i don't know i'll see how i feel at the end of january i'm like am i exhausted and tired and this isn't worth it or all right let's fucking do this yeah seeing results that i want more first it's been uh like a week and a half of doing it? It's all, it's actually been a week. So we're recording this on a Wednesday. So we did Thursday, Friday, then Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. So how does it feel so far? I feel like I'm working. Usually I go to the gym and I'll like run on a treadmill for 20 minutes and I'll do like, all right, today's biceps and triceps. And I'll do like one exercise

of one and one of the other. I'm like, this is good. And with Billy, his cardio is all one day. So there's some days we get there and he's like, all right, let's do biceps today. And we do five or six bicep exercises. Then he's like, all right, and now back exercises. And it's six back exercises. So I'm definitely getting more sore with him than I ever have because I've never done six back exercises in a row. Are all these exercises targeting like one very specific muscle in your back? Yes. So he's not doing like six exercises that are all like on your...

Yeah, he'd be like, this one is for these two muscles at the top of your neck. This one is for your lower back on the side. So we like pick up a weight and sort of dip to the right like a little teapot short and stout it's like these are supermans and they'll they'll focus on the small of your back like right next to your spine and he's like what will happen is i don't know if it'll actually happen to me but he said what happened is to him he does these things called super sets which are little sets within your sets so like we'll do a bicep workout you know like three sets of 10 or he does 12 10 8 then after the 12 after the 10 after the 8 he does a he picks up a lighter weight and just does 12

uh in addition to the three sets he does like sets within sets interesting and he's like and those little things basically add up to like an extra day at the gym he's like sets within sets interesting and he's like and those little things basically add up to like an extra day at the gym he's like it's little muscle groups that like are in your stomach or in your back or your side and after a while they all just combine to make he basically like treats it as like a voltron combining to make a tight toned strong jacked body cool but he's been working out for like 10 to 15 years and i've done it for five days but i feel stronger i think we're probably comparable at this point just because we've both done it the last five days uh but i i'm um his other billy's other thing is to eat a lot more

protein uh so billy eats like probably twice as much food as I do. But in addition to that, focusing on protein, protein, protein, like protein shakes in the morning, a lot of meat during the day, protein shake at night, like before you go to bed. This is also,

I don't know if anybody listening knows this, but Billy played the personal trainer in episode seven, I think, or maybe. Yeah, of Lonely and Horny. So you can see how quite jacked he is. Yeah. Yeah, so it's sort of life imitating art. But yeah, I do feel like sore in my chest muscles for the first time ever.

My calves are sore. Like we did a leg day like properly where my calf muscles got sore for the first time. So follow my progress. I'm posting shirtless selfies every day to my Instagram. Topless Tuesday. I'm doing topless Tuesday and Thursdays. We'll see how long it goes. So far, so good.

I'm in it to win it. No regrets. Five days in. I haven't quit yet. But there's still time. Because my other New Year's resolution is to quit sooner. That's nice. Yeah, pull out faster.

Let's mention real quickly that we're going to Australia and Hawaii. Hawaii on February 18th, I believe. And Australia March 18th and March 16th in Melbourne and Sydney. Tickets still available to both shows. Live podcast slash, I want to say we're partying down probably. We're definitely going to party in Melbourne and Sydney. So it's like a comedy show slash party slash night out. I'm going to rage in Fitzroy.

That's right. You best believe. I'm going ham and lamb. Lamb would be a city next to Sydney maybe, but it's not. Tickets, all that information is at jakeandamir.com or ifireyoushow.com. I believe we sold out both of our shows in Melbourne and Sydney last year. That's true. So tickets are a limited resource. Grab them whilst you can.

All right, should we answer? I think we're almost out of time because we talked a shitload about our resolutions which are incredibly vain just improving our physical sense uh but maybe that's important you know yeah you have to feel good about yourself ultimately yeah it's all about self-image um and let's answer one last question that you sent to me that you said was good i haven't read it yet. And I forget what it says. I can't come without visual stimulation. This one?

That's about right. Tom? Yeah, well, Tom's not really in Blink-182 anymore, but let's go with it because he's my favorite. Unless Mark Hoppus comes on the show, then he's my favorite. Tom writes, hey guys comes on the show Then he's my favorite Tom writes Hey guys love the show I'm in quite a predicament and could use some advice My girlfriend and I have been dating for around

Two years and we've been having sex For around that We've been having sex for around the same time During that time of the month For her she's super cool And continues to pleasure me without reciprocation Not really down to earn my red wings. But the issue is I can't come just from blowjobs. I have to either secretly

look at pictures of other girls or like watch porn with no volume or snap a pic, anything taboo, and then I do hide it when I finally come come i don't want to make her feel like uh like she's shitty at it uh and she's not but my issue is i would like to come without it i feel like a douche so i would love some i would love some help thank you very much love tom so this guy's looking at porn while his girlfriend blows him? I cannot. I could not believe that he's surreptitiously watching porn on his phone while he's getting... You have a bad imagination.

Jesus. Just close your eyes for Christ's sake. Is she just under a bunch of covers? Listening to music? He's taking out a magazine imagine just like forgetting to put put the volume off the porn oh my god oh oh pre-roll sorry babe one second oh i'm gonna not i just really have to watch apple movie trailers while you blow me i can't come without visual stimulation can you relate to this Blow me. I can't come without visual stimulation.

Can you relate to this? No. I mean, getting a blowjob is pretty visually stimulating. Yeah, it seems like the blowjob is doing the heavy lifting. What's getting him over the goal line is a photo? Yeah, I don't think. At worst, can't he close his eyes and imagine somebody blowing him yeah close your eyes that's what that beatle song is about close your eyes and i'll picture a girl fucking fixtures that's what gets him off a fucking a woman riding a sconce how are the sconces in your house

the sconces are really coming together and they're coming sconce upon a time very good i forgot you were opening that sconce store this we ordered a bunch of sconces for my new house and uh one of them is too dim. I always thought sconce was just the thing that you put the bulb in. That's the fixture, yeah. But we got like a specific bulb. Yeah, it's like the point of the thing is to have the exposed bulb. Yeah.

So it's got to be sort of like a vintage-y looking Edison bulb type thing. I ordered some brighter ones online we'll see if they do the trick you think I'll keep you posted everybody at sconce upon a time tumblr.com sconce upon a time uh how can I feel like a douche I would love some help uh close your eyes and think of something else don't look at photos while your girlfriend's blowing yeah at the very I guess like if you really feel like you need some sort of extra visual stimulation maybe just like put something on a mantle or like near your bed have a photo i don't know i i don't like the idea of him like get like somebody a blow job is such a an intimate nice gesture it's it's such a favor

do you think a blow job always comes with a hand job. It's such a favor. Do you think a blowjob always comes with a handjob or that's just a bonus? Do you think a handjob is part of the blowjob or like not necessarily? Maybe not necessarily. But maybe that would help if she's... Used her hand more? Yeah, both hand and blow,

two jobs for the price of fun. Yeah, I mean, that's definitely the best way to get a blow job. Is to get a hand job too. Yeah. Well. Or do you have to say that or just say? I guess you could say use your hand or maybe you just wait till she uses her hand and then

you say. I like it like that. You got sold. You got sold. Singing. I can only come while doing karaoke. I really think you should be able to close your eyes. You hear people that can't cum from blowjobs, and they're like, oh, I can only really cum from sex.

Right. But you never hear anybody that's like, I can't cum from blowjobs because I'm not looking at anything. The best part about sex is that I can see a picture of my girlfriend not sucking a dick. And that's what I like the most. What if he's looking at a picture of her? That's kind of nice, but you could also just look at her. Yeah, but her face is down. You're mostly seeing your own mons pubis.

It's a nice she can't get mad if you look she looks up and you're just staring at an eight and a half by 11 inch framed high res glossy headshot of her yeah that's true i guess you could just like take a really sexy photo of her and keep it by your bed oh that's nice or make a mad fold in so it's like actually someone else but then when she looks up you snap it open and it's actually a bird. That's a smart idea. Some sort of optical illusion. Is it an old woman or a young lady? You could strategically hang something somewhere.

But I just feel like you should be able to, maybe you need to change your blowjob positioning. Like, I don't know. I just don't know what their setup is. Like what versus what? Back versus side? Yeah, like maybe he's lying on his back and he's a little too rigid.

Maybe he needs to get a little more comfortable. Maybe, like, the side is the way to go. Or maybe he, like... Yeah, I don't know. I think that there are other factors that aren't your visual stimulation. It's something else. So do that instead of looking at photos of other girls.

Yeah, definitely don't look at photos of other girls while your girlfriend's blowing you. That's sort of a mean thing to do. All right. If you guys have your own stupid questions, just kidding, they're not stupid. If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions, send them all over to

ifireyoushow at gmail.com We're coming to Hawaii. We're coming to Australia. Buy tickets. Hang out with us there. Live podcasts. Live shows. Live parties. Do hang out. The opening theme song was written by Josh No Joshua.

This closing one was written by Josh No Joshua. This closing one was written by Hermes Winters. Lovely singing voice. Her Tumblr is chronicbedhead.tumblr.com So thanks Josh No Joshua. Thanks Hermes.

Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next week, if you can believe it, because we're back every single Monday. Thanks, Todah. Good night. Good fight. Goodbye. Cheers.

Jake and Damir, oh, could you help me with my problem? See, the issues that I have are too complicated I seem to lost my way Maybe I'll just go as day If I mess up, do you think I'll be hated? Maybe I should email If I were you And listen to you too

Give me the answers To my situation Cause I need advice From a podcast station To show I'll come the blow Learn to take it well I hope that you two guys

Can get me out of this hell My whole boss is the cheese Jake and I'm here Won't you help me please That was a HeadGum Podcast The $5 meal deal at McDonald's Means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money.

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