Segments - 256: Jew Trip

Episode Date: January 30, 2017

In this episode we discuss cousins, crushes, and commitment. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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And thanks to you guys for supporting our sponsors and supporting your loved ones by buying them some MeUndies. Once again, that's MeUndies.com slash Amir or MeUndies.com slash Jake. Use Jake. Yay! Yay! I thought I was smart Thought I was right Until I fucked up my life

I thought that I had issues But now I know it's true So it comes time to write And let the podcast gods decide Here's my situation What should I do If I were you Wow.

That's soothing. How'd you like that? I liked it. It was a slight parody, adaptation of Fight Test by Flaming Lips. Do you know that song? Oh, really? I thought the guitar sounded like... Yeah, what does the guitar sound like?

That postal service song. Oh, yeah. They will see us waving from such great heights. Yeah, that too. The Flaming Lips song is, Thought I was wrong, thought I was right. I thought it better not to fight. I like that one.

This guy's from Seattle named Aiden Avery. Double A. Double A? Uh-uh. That's funny. That's like Alan Avery almost. Oh, yeah. Double A? Uh-uh. MCO. That's like Alan Avery almost. Oh, yeah. Shout out to Matt Walton from our old video special, Fired.

Thank you, Aiden Avery, for writing this song. This is episode 256. As we mentioned right before we started recording, that is a record for us. It's a record. That is not only a record, it's our most recent episode. Untested, unbroken. Amazing. It's also the 255th time we've broken our record, which is a record.

Wow. It's also, at 256, this is the end of the 16th episode chunk. No shit. So if you divide our shows into 16 chunks, this is the 16th episode. That's really awesome for us. That's really cool. And thank you guys for listening to every single one of them.

And if you haven't, don't start now. What do you mean? I mean, if somebody's listening for the first time and they're like, maybe I'll get into this podcast, I can tell you right here and now, toe fuck off. Yes. I only ride with my day ones,

not my day cums. So if someone started listening from the top and got all the way to here, which is already a huge ask that's like probably donating days and days of their life. I will tell you now, this was a waste of time. So if they did do it,

you're saying it's a waste of time? If they did, if they started listening a couple weeks ago, started episode one, came all the way up here right fuck you yeah you should have started when we started oh my god i know who my real friends are so not so you're saying you don't like the people that haven't listened to every episode and then even in the small subsection of society that's listened to every single episode and caught up, you're devaluing. You wasted your time and you wasted mine.

So who do you like at this point? If they weren't at our very first show at the... Oh my God. Where was that place? It was in Lower East Side. Was it Piano's? No, it wasn't Piano's. It was like the sugar factory or the cake factory. Cake shop. Cake shop. Lower East Side. Was it Piano's? No, it wasn't Piano's. It was like the Sugar Factory or the Cake Factory.

Cake Shop. Cake Shop. The Cake Shop. If you weren't at the Cake Shop, you could fuck off. You don't even fall into this category. I was at the Cake Shop. But you haven't listened to every episode. Well, I did every episode except for one.

Actually, the only person you're probably describing is me. You're my day one brother. And you don't like anybody else. I'm just kidding. I love you. You love who? You. Right.

You already said that you loved me. That wasn't the issue. I was saying that you only loved me. I'm playing. I'm playing. I'm playing. I love you, man. Do you love anybody else, though?

I hate them. So you're not playing. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us, I'm Amir I'm Jake we actually do thank you for listening truly the way this podcast works is that people will email us their sticky situations, their difficult places

we do our best to advise them out of it how it usually works for 255 episodes we have um chosen our four or five favorite questions and answer them well not every time sometimes we do game boy that's right sometimes we play a game actually is the game boy here oh you want to do well i just wanted to talk to him i wanted to float a different game idea by him did you say game oh all right great he's here uh so what do you think about this idea for a game game boy uh yeah you're not entirely

needed uh oh so instead of and correct me if we've never done this before uh instead of choosing questions at random based on uh searching certain words we just read the last emails we've received the last four emails or however many chronological order because some of these may be bad some of these might not even be questions we don't know yet so we're just no matter what they are we're gonna read them that's right what if it's spam well then you lose the game okay it's back we'll push we'll push the back back We'll push by those really quickly But I think this is a good way To smack

Everyone says oh you guys are choosing specific questions Well this is literally we're just going In order of the most recent emails we received Alright let's do it Sometimes we have to reward random chance too It's not about who you know It's about why you know And when you know

And who you when and when you how and when you how oh and yeah oh and yeah oh and yeah oh and yeah we got an email that was good actually Yeah, that didn't sound bad. That was really... In the jungle. No, that's bad. All right. Yeah, but the high-pitched part was actually... Wee! Yeah.

That was actually really good. In the jungle, the mighty jungle. Hey, dude, why don't you... We'll do the singing part. You do the high-pitched part. Well, I'm great at humming. I feel like I could sing, too. You are great at humming, and we want everyone to play their role to perfection. I'll do the singing part. You do the high pitch part. Well, I'm great at humming. I feel like I could sing too. You are great at humming.

And we want everyone to play their role to perfection. I'll do the singing. You do the humming. Here we go. We in the jungle. You're abandoning. We need you to hum while I sing. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, baby. All right. So we're recording this Thursday at 10 a.m. We received an email. Most recent email was last night at 528 in the morning. So I guess five and a half hours ago. Last night or this morning, buddy?

I don't know. How do you quantify 530? 530, I'd say. If you're healthy, it's morning. Yeah. If you're kind of a party animal, that's a nighttime. All right. Let's read the question and then give him a name.

So this guy writes, I'm a 19-year-old dude man in college. That's why he's like writing at 530. Oh, yeah. You don't know what he's capable of. I was hoping to go through this semester with no social predicaments and focus on my studies, but bad luck got the best of me. There's this sweetie I met through a friend who is the ultimate sweetie. She dresses nice, is nice, looks nice, talks nice. She's everything I've wanted, but I have a hard

time talking to her as I rarely see her. And when I do, I freeze up. On the other hand, another girl from one of my classes came up to me and said her friend likes me. I don't really like her that much, but I also don't want to be mean and turn other away. I still want to be friends with her. Should I try harder for the ultimate sweetheart, or should I seize the easy cheese? This is a pretty classic question. Yeah, I feel like we get a lot of questions of like, which girl do I go for? Right, the sweetie or the non-sweetie?

Well, the sweetie or the non-sweetie? Well, the sweetie or the easy. And not the easy being like a slut, like the easy being like someone I know I can hook up with because someone has told me that I could. Oh, so it's like, do I go for the layup? Not a high degree of difficulty. Or do I go for the gold, maybe fail, but still go for it anyway?

Yeah. So let's call this guy Usain Bolt. Oh. Because I think he should go for it anyway. Yeah. So let's call this guy Usain Bolt. Oh. Because I think he should go for the gold. I think you should do both. But I don't think he can because they're friends. Wait. Did the girl who he likes tell him that her friend likes him?

I think so. No, wait. Read it back because I don't know if that's true. On the other hand, another girl from one of my classes came up to me and said her friend likes me. So there's three different girls. Oh, these are unrelated. Yeah. Okay, so these girls are unrelated. Yeah. So then maybe he can go for both. Because if the girl who you liked said that her friend likes you, that usually means that she doesn't. Right, is that how it works? Or if she's really getting fucking crazy, then she does and she wants to see how you play it. Wow, has that ever happened?

Where, like, I like someone, I'm going to tell him that somebody else likes him just to see if he says no, but I actually like you. It's happened to me plenty of times where a girl's like, oh, so-and-so wants to go out with you, and I'm like, well, I want to go out with you. Whoa, that really puts that person in a tough spot. Yeah, but it usually works. And the times that it doesn't, hell, I don't mind. I've alienated people before. I put them in really weird predicaments because they have to go back to their friends

and they're like, hey, what did Jake say? I don't think he's the kind of guy you like because he sort of just blatantly hit on me. No, that's the kind of guy I like. I love guys that hit on you. Margaret. It's always Margaret. Should I try harder for the ultimate sweetheart?

Yes. Yeah, try harder and seize the easy cheese. Yeah. Well, maybe not try harder because sometimes that sort of is bad, but go for it for sure. What do you think about this idea of like this one's easy, this one's harder? Is that fine to say? Well, yeah, because it's not necessarily easy. It's just easy in the sense that you can go into it with full confidence because you're already aware that that person likes you.

Right. It's way easier to know ahead of time. Right. I feel like you would hook up with a lot of more people if somebody has been trolling you your whole life and walking up to you and be like, that person likes you, that person likes you. And you just have that confidence. There was one time when our friend Vinny Payone did that to me at a party. He said, that girl likes you. He said it to me and a girl. They were like, oh, hey, Jake so-and-so says you're really hot. And then he went up to her and he so and so says like you're really hot

and then he like went up to her and he was like Jake like thinks you're really pretty and then we like hooked up

and found out after the fact that neither of us wow had said anything to Vinny but we both did want to do it wow that's a good wingman

right there he's like a cupid yeah he was fucking putting love making match making and you ended up marrying that woman which is so cool that woman is my wife wingman right there. He's like a Cupid. He's the fucking best. Yeah. He was fucking putting lovemaking, matchmaking. And you ended up marrying that woman,

which is so cool. That woman is my wife. What time of day, completely unrelated question, but it reminds me how this email was sent at 530. What time of day

do you think you've been awake the least? Hmm. First of all, this guy might be on the East Coast, so that was probably

sent at like 9 right? sure what time of day do I think I've been awake the least? that's right I bet 5 5 in the morning? more so than like 5.40

because that could have been like high school time to be awake I had a real hard time getting up in high school. I used to like, my, everyone would try to wake me up. It was like, my dad would try, then my mom would try. And then my sisters like would be getting up from school and they'd be mad because like my dad keeps on yelling my name.

It must be so hard to get six kids ready for school at the same time. Well, it helped that like five of us were saints and I was an asshole. So it was like everybody else got up on their own and then it was me that wouldn't wake up. My dad used to like put cats on my head. He would like throw the cat under the covers.

But then I would wake up, go up to the shower, turn on the shower and fall asleep on the floor. Like some sort of nonviolent narcoleptic sit-in where you are nonviolently protesting school. Would not allow it. I would not wake up. Walking the door so that they can't walk in. Every single day. But yeah, so I think, I just think five is the time that I've at least been up because

540 feels like, you know, I might've done that a bunch for like flying to New York or something. Right. What's yours? Yeah. I would say somewhere in the fives has got to be, because four is like when you go to bed, when you stay up late. Five is like sun is coming up. You've seen four plenty of times. Yeah. Five does seem like a rare AM, 5 AM. Yeah. That's a rare one.m. Five a.m. Yeah. That's a rare one. Shout out to anybody listening at five a.m. We know you're out there.

Donald Trump tweeting. Yeah, exactly. All right, next question came three hours before that, at one a.m. That I've seen before. Oh, yeah. Celebrity Deadpool is the subject. Okay. Maybe we'll call this guy Ryan Reynolds.

I'm setting up a celebrity Deadpool. Totally anonymous, $20 buy-in, 20 picks for your list. Next time a big-name celeb dies, I check all the lists, and if you have the name, you win the money. If two people have it, you split it. Then you can either draft a new team, keep your old team, or opt out of the next round. Are you guys interested? I'll be setting it up on a private website so everybody can see the rosters so they know I'm not just robbing y'all blind.

You can write in Ben or Thomas and then murder them. Saw you guys in Boston and loved the show. Best Ryan Reynolds. Well, Ryan. That's fun. What do you think of that? A little morbid. Would you be okay making money on a celebrity death? I guess, in theory, sure.

Why not just choose the oldest celebs? There should be an age cap. Like, wouldn't everyone just put, like, Strom Thurmond and Betty White? Oh, yeah, Betty White's a pretty good one. Would you feel bad making money off her death? I feel bad making money off Betty White. Oh yeah, Betty White's a pretty good one. Would you feel bad making money off her death? I feel bad making money off Betty White's death, but Strom Thurmond

I feel pretty good about. Think he's still alive? I do think so. That's awesome, dude. Strom Thurmond. Do you want to join? No, he died. He died in 2003.

Whoa, really? Yeah, he was 101. So he would be a good one in this 2003 celebrity. Oh, Bob Dole. Bob Dole's a good one. I mean, George H.W. Yeah, it seems like, are these people celebrities? I think so. Well, we should ask this dude, like, are you, are politicians allowed or is that, I mean, what does it have to be a movie star? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good question. Like, are there rules?

I would say, so for my rules, I would say nobody over the age of 80. But then maybe nobody would win. But then people might, yeah, you want to see someone die on the list. Right, but then can I choose George H.W. Bush? Can I choose Ross Perot? Can I choose Bob Dole? Or are these people not celebrities? Sure, you can stack with politicians.

And then, I mean, that's part of the strategy, right? Right, you would want to choose I guess anybody that's technically a celebrity, right? Dole could easily live like another 10 years or something. I don't know, he's 93. That's two years past Strom Thurmond

and modern medicine's amazing. But he looks hot. Dole has an eight pack. Would you want to do this, guys? That's his question. I don't think I do. It makes me sad when celebrities die. I mean, it makes me sad when anybody dies.

Right. Let's go to the next question. Before I implicate myself any further. Yeah. This lady wrote to us at 8.30 last night Ready? Yeah Hello, I am, insert name here

Hola I am female, 19, and a loser Well, I told my crush I liked him And to my surprise, he didn't immediately push me away Well, we have been talking, to be honest He doesn't seem very into this And I asked him why he didn't push me away. And he said, no, it's cool now because I gave you a chance to actually conversate.

And I enjoy you as a person. WTF does this even mean? Was I friend zoned? Am I getting any dick? Also, am I being a pushy prick? Thanks. Love. Inertia. any dick also am i being a pushy prick thanks love inertia oh yeah why inertia uh just because her name was insert name here so i took the first word and i turned it into a female word yeah i thought it was something more scientific insertia which is she wants dick insertion into her that's very good uh so this

guy said no it's cool now because i gave you a chance to actually conversate and i enjoy you as a person yeah you sure you have a crush on him dude sounds like a robot what is this what do you think this means do you do you i don't know do you think it's possible that this guy is shy and he doesn't know that he has feelings for her. And then it's also possible, like, don't you want to, like, admit that you have a crush to someone that, like, reciprocates and then you guys can have a crush on each other and everything's hunky-dory forever? Yeah, that's nice. You're right. But, I don't know, sometimes, like, you hear stories like, oh, I had to work for it and it was hard at first and it was worth it because it paid off and I finally won the person over. And the other guy is like, oh, I had to work for it, and it was hard at first, and it was worth it because it paid off, and I finally won the person over.

And the other guy is like, yeah. Yeah. She worked for it. She wore me down. Erosion over time. Whittled me away. We had a chance to converse, eh? I enjoy you as a person.

I still believe in passion. That's what I want. I want you feeling the passion. Especially at age 19. You're only 19, yeah. You should be feeling passion. That's what I want. I want you feeling the passion. Especially at age 19. You're only 19, yeah. You should be feeling passion. Right. So you're saying pass on this guy?

Yeah. Isn't it easy to just say pass? Yeah, sure. Pass. Pass. That was easy. I don't have to do it. That's good for me.

But how do you uncrush on someone? Oh, you know what helps? You try to just tell yourself things that you cannot prove. So if I have a crush on someone that Ugh. Oh, you know what helps? You try to just tell yourself things that you cannot prove. So if I have a crush on someone that doesn't like me, I could be like, oh, that person is probably stupid. Yeah. Yeah. I don't really know if that's true, but I don't want to be with someone who's stupid.

Oh, I can't. Like, he doesn't like me because he has a micro penis. Oh, that's good. And he doesn't want to get intimate with anybody. Yeah. There you go. Oh, what a bullet I dodged. Or you can imagine finally being with that person

and then wasting a lot of years of your life and then he ends up doing something bad to you. Right. And you're like, oh, I wish I could go back in time and have him just say,

I don't want to be with you. That's a way, that is like a tried and true way to get over somebody. It's, there is like a name for it. Something ridicule. What is it?

You just like take a feature that you never liked about them that for while you had a crush, you overlooked. Right. Or maybe like when you really liked them, you're like, oh, they've got a little mole

on their forehead and it's like, it's so cute. They're characteristic. And then like, when you don't like them, you're like, and they have a fucking ginormous mole on their face.

That's good. And it's like taking, it's like, I swear to God, it's growing. Yeah. So protruding, it looks like a unicorn.

So yeah, you're like. It's like the opposite of what you do when you're in a relationship, which is focus on the good stuff. Yeah, you. You want to do the opposite.

Right. Focus on the bad, even if it's superficial, minute, not that big of a deal. Sounds petty, works like a charm. Hi, I'm Tom Petty. It might big of a deal sounds petty works like a charm hi i'm tom petty it might sound like me but i won't back down nice dude uh we should say that

we have new shows coming up not only are we going to australia in march on the 16th and 18th yeah we're now also is that what it is yeah march 16th march 18th we're also sy that what it is? Yeah. March 16th, March 18th. Melbourne and Sydney. Yeah, Melbourne on the 16th, Sydney on the 18th. We're also going to Denver on April 19th? No, yes, April 19th. April 19th. And Tempe on April 20th. And Honolulu. On February 17th. Yes. And there might be a chance that we've announced the South by Southwest shows in Austin. So we're trying to hit as many cities as possible. Yeah, dude. This is an international and national tour.

If you ever want to watch this podcast live, drink with us, hang out with us, party with us, have a fun time, we're going to be in many, many cities, hopefully near you. Hopefully you can make it out Hopefully tickets are still available And the information for all this stuff is at ifireyoushow.com Correctamundo Or jacobdamir.com Correctamundo Let's try to answer one more quick question before the break

Hut hut hut Hut hut hut What's up boys I have a problem This was written at 6pm Yesterday up, boys? I have a problem. This was written at 6 p.m. yesterday. Okay. What's up, boys? I have a problem. So try to wrap your fat Jew cocks around it.

Love this guy already. I'm 15 and a freshman in high school. My name is blank. But since you will need an alias, I doubt it matters. So my cousin is my age, is one of my best friends at at school and me and him hang out a lot you never hear about a similarly aged cousin sure that is in your grade did you have any cousins in your grade like same age same thing not me but my sisters did oh that's funny i never yeah i never think of like yeah this is me and my similarly aged cousin which is totally doable yeah my all of

my family members have similar age cousins. I'm the one awkward age. So problem. So, oh, sorry. No problems until he starts hanging out with this girl. Now this girl didn't immediately take to my quirky, irreverent humor and soon got tired of me. They aren't actually dating, but she acts like they are, which I wouldn't care if they

were, but what she is doing by acting like they are and having him not hang out with any other girls is stressing him out, and he has told me that he really likes her. This happened to me last year, and I really regret not either making a move or ending the friendship. I know we are far too young for this drama, and I sound like a privileged retard,

but I don't want to see him go through what I did. Any advice would be helpful. Sorry for the long email. Thanks. This dude's language is very, very brash and sort of makes him unlikable. But his problem is it's a very kind-hearted thing that he's worried about his cousin. Yeah, he's worried about his cousin. The kernel here is that this guy is a good guy.

He's a good guy with a good cousin. And his cousin, I think... And a fat jew cock but wait a minute when i read the question i'm like so this girl acts like they're dating my cousin says that he really likes her but then uh the one bad thing is that he can't hang out with other girls is really stressing him out the cousin out so so far the cousin said that he likes her the girl acts like they're hanging out and he's just projecting the idea that he's stressed out. I think what I think is happening is that he's worried that his cousin has been,

even though I hate this term, friend-zoned. That's in his eyes, right? Oh, I thought the cousin is with someone, and that girl is like, I can't have you hang out with anybody else. I think his cousin is friends with somebody, trying to break in, has a crush, and she's like acting like they're dating or something and taking his time away from other girls. But they're not hooking up is how I interpreted it. Got it. 15-year-old drama shit.

Right. So how does he get the cousin away from this woman? I mean, he can't do anything. Your cousin's going to learn the same way that you did. He's going to waste a little bit of time. Yeah. It'll be fine. It seems like this is when you learn the hard way.

This is when you're developing all these things. When you're 15, you're allowed to be making lots of mistakes like this. Yeah, and that's how... It's good to make these mistakes early, because if you're not doing this stuff now, you're probably going to be doing it at age 25 or 35. And that's when you really, really don't want to be doing it. I mean, and you end up doing it then too. Right.

I believe this guy is Australian because at a certain point he said the word Métis that I skipped. He's either Australian or a pirate. Killian's Irish red. All right. alien or a pirate. Killian's Irish red. Alright, so I sail the high seas to be a parrot on my shoulder.

Walk on a plank. Pirates are coming back, dude. Pirates? Fuck zombies, man. Nothing's funnier than a fucking pirate. Dry your sword, you blarney bros. Easy, easy.

Yeah. So all pirates are Irish? Duh. I am Pirish. Half pirate, half Irish, 100% Killian's Irish Red. You're a potato,

so am I. Let's take a quick break, thank a few more sponsors, and we'll be back with more questions that were received in a chronological order right after this.

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It was good. Did you complete your resolution? What was my resolution? To get ripped, jacked, shredded? Yeah. I mean, not complete, complete, but I think I'm on my way. That's it? I've been going to the gym, climbing as much as possible. We're leading relatively healthy lifestyles.

Oh, yeah. Because we're not traveling. We have no excuses. Yeah, I'm trying to, I guess like my goal date is to be, I want to get as healthy as I can before Australia because that's going to be. We're going ham.

Yeah, yeah. We're going absolutely ham. Absolutely ham. Yeah. And I'm eating ham and I'm eating bread. Yeah. Oh, it's a ham and cheese croissant lifestyle on the road for me. Oh, yeah, folks.

It's that hashtag ham and cheese croissant lifestyle. Hashtag hash browns with breakfast, brother. You had hash browns yesterday with breakfast. Of course. I have to start shit up. I have to shock my body every now and then. Yeah, that's going to be exciting times. What else is happening in February?

God. Oh, yeah, Hawaii show we already talked about. President's Day, of course. Ugh. Ugh. We're fast into Trump's presidency. Who knows what's going to happen in February? I assume he'll be, would you bet on him being impeached by the end of the four years? Wait, were you at the bar when I asked this the other day?

Oh, would you bet on? I was like, how many people here think he's going to last four years? And everybody, no one thought so. Yeah, but that's a tough question to ask a bunch of liberals that hope he's not going to last four years. He's biased. They're, sorry, they're biased. Him too a little bit. Sure. I feel like he skews right of center.

Yeah, that's going to be, I don't know, whatever. Trying to think of anything else we should get to before we get back to the questions. Maybe we should just speed through some more. Are you ready? I'm having fun. All content episode. All content all the questions. Maybe we should just speed through some more. Are you ready? I'm having fun. All content episode. All content, all the time. Here we go. This one's called Jew Trip to

Israel. I'll take it from here. Yeah. Chaya writes, I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year and some months now. Everything has been fucking great. Before me, he went on a lot of dates, including a date with someone he worked with. Nothing went past one date, but he remains friends with this girl, who I've met.

There really isn't too much to hear, so I can't say anything mean about her. Except one of her friends told my boyfriend that she wanted to fuck him on a Vegas trip that she invited him to. At the time, I didn't think much of it. I don't give a shit what she wants. But then her being a Jew and my boyfriend being a Jew decided to do the free Israel trip thing together. I told my boyfriend that taking a 10-day trip with her, someone who disrespected our relationship, should not even be friends with him and that I'm uncomfortable with him going with her since she wanted to have sex with him, even though he's in a serious relationship. Am I being irrational by telling him not to go with this desperate broad?

I know he will not do anything with her, but the idea of her being a trashy whore and trying something leaves me uneasy. What do you guys think? I feel like this question, I feel like, despite the voice that you read it in, like, I don't think she's being unreasonable. I think she's... This is the most logical reason to fear. Like, people meeting and hooking up on a birthright trip is... That's the purpose of birthright.

Yeah. Birthright is invented to make Jews fuck each other to make more Jews. That's the point. Especially because this girl's not Jewish. Birthright is invented to make Jews fuck each other to make more Jews. Yes. That's the point. Especially because this girl's not Jewish. And you better believe that when you go to Israel, you fall in love with Israel. And the idea of making Jewish babies definitely, definitely comes into your mind. Yeah.

You went to Israel as a half Jew and you came back as an Orthodox rabbi. So your fear of them, I mean... She's not Jewish. They're both Jewish. It's funny that this girl's like, I know he won't do anything. I think he will. So...

It's tough to say. It is hard. I don't want to put the fear of the Jewish God in her. But the whole... But this is, yeah, this is like, I don't know. This is a tough situation. He's going away on birthright with this Jewish girl. Yeah.

I mean, I want to say. The girl's definitely going to try to. And he's definitely going to do it. I want to say that like, you know, you, unfortunately, you've already lost your boyfriend. Well, here's the thing. This is what I'll, I'll, I'll leave you with some cold comfort. What better way to test your relationship? Is this guy for real? Or is this guy not worth hanging around? Yeah. I mean, I think the test is if he goes to Israel with this girl. Oh, if he even goes? Yeah. Because you can go to birthright by yourself. He doesn't need to go with a girl that's, if he even goes? Yeah. Because you can go to birth right by yourself.

He doesn't need to go with a girl that's trying to fuck him. So what? He's going to go on a different trip, not with her? Yes, that'll be better anyway. Why? Because you get to go and meet all brand new friends instead of somebody that's going to destroy your relationship. I don't know.

That's easy to ask. The thing is, if you're jealous of this girl that wants to fuck him, you could theoretically be jealous of all the other girls on the trip who will inevitably want to fuck him. And of the hot Israeli soldiers that want to fuck him. Yeah, and then it's like, who do you stop being jealous of? What about our co-workers that wants to fuck him? Basically, if you have a... It sounds like you might already be a little jealous, like you're jealous of the co-worker. If you have a... It sounds like you might already be a little jealous, like you're jealous of the coworker. If you have a good...

If you have a good boyfriend, other people will want to fuck him. That's sort of the weird catch-22. You want a guy that everyone wants to fuck. But then you also want a guy that doesn't want to fuck... You can't have it both ways. If you want someone that no one wants to fuck, you date a bad guy, and you don't want to do that either.

Right. So you want to date someone who's so great, just like your guy... one wants to fuck, you date a bad guy, and you don't want to do that either. Right. So you want to date someone who's so great, just like your guy. Everybody wants to fuck him. But he's also so great that he's not going to fuck other people. Right. But how can she know? How can she prove it?

She won't know. And I also think he fucked this girl. This is exactly how, I don't want to name names, but this is exactly how someone met their wife. Yeah. So this is how plenty of people meet their wives. No, but like literally in a relationship with someone,

going to birthright. Yeah, a friend of ours was in a relationship, went on birthright, cheated on his girlfriend, came back, broke up with his girlfriend, married the girl he met on birthright. That's right. Again, this is not what this girl wants to hear, but at the same time, maybe she has to hear it.

We've got nothing but respect for you. We love you. We love you. This is a tough, tough situation to be in. We also love this. That's why we're giving you the tough love that you need. But I don't want her to be like, it's not 100% going to happen. There's a chance that he remains faithful. There's a chance he doesn't% going to happen. There's a chance that he remains faithful.

There's a chance he doesn't like this other girl. There's a chance that he doesn't even go on birthright. A lot of people talk about it, and then they go to sign up, and they forget. So maybe don't make a big deal about it yet. Can you imagine this girl's feeling when the guy goes, he's leaving for Israel. They hug at the airport, and then it's just fucking 10 days of unadulterated alone romance time in Israel. And you're doing so many bonding things.

Like you're going to the fucking Holocaust museum, like crying your eyes out. You come out, then you're like going on a rafting trip. You're like hiking up a mountain. You're partying in Jerusalem or in Tel Aviv. It's a whirlwind. Yeah, you're feeling in Tel Aviv. It's a whirlwind. Yeah, you're feeling a lot of feelings. It's summer camp, basically.

And like fucking camping out at night under the stars. I think there's an inherent problem that this dude wants to go to Birthright with the girl that wanted to fuck him, actually. Oh, you think it's kind of a dick move? Yeah, I do. Interesting. I get wanting to go on birthright. That's cool. But I don't think you need to go with somebody who has expressed interest in having sex with you.

Yeah. I think you can't, like, if you're in a relationship and you tell your girlfriend that a girl made a move on you. Yeah. Then it's off the table of you going on vacation with that girl but why like what what do you mean why what if you're like i don't like this girl what i can't just i can't ever be around a girl that wants to fuck me yeah that seems like it's precluding a lot of things like if a girl that has nothing on me like what if a girl liked you uh and she just happened to work in your office do you have to quit your job too too? No, but I probably wouldn't tell my girlfriend

that somebody tried to fuck me. Yeah, but what if she heard from another friend? I would say it was a lie. Look, I'm saying if you... If it's one-sided, it doesn't matter. I don't think that's necessarily true. It's never that black and white. But if you have somebody that makes a move on you

when they know you're in a relationship, and you share that with your significant other, I think that precludes you from telling her like, oh, hey, Stacey wanted to fuck me. Also, I'm going to go on vacation with Stacey. Like, you can't do that. Oh, yeah, yeah. This is a tough one. What if the Jews are meant to be? Now you're fucking, you're some sort of reverse racist what if what if the other two people are meant to be and we're saying you can't meet each other

you want you want you want what birthright wants which is only jews procreating although what if he goes on birthright there's going to be other single ladies on the trip like at a certain point he's going to have to go to israel spend an amazing time with some Yeah, but there's a difference between him going on vacation with other single people and him going on vacation with somebody that explicitly wants him. I like that. The subject is Jew trip to Israel. Is there any other kind? How is your Jew trip, Chad? Well, there's no Jews named Chad, but you know. Mercy.

Good luck. Keep us posted. Yeah, yeah. Let us know. If you want to go on a date to make your boyfriend jealous while he's in Israel, I'm all for doubling down on my Christian half. Oh, that's good. I'm half Protestant. I'm very proud.

Yeah, you should go on a Catholic trip to Rome. That'd be nice. All right, let's see if we can answer one more question. A Catholic trip could also be to Israel. That's, of course, correct. For Jerusalem does have a Christian quarter. Furthermore, this person named is a gay 16-year-old at college. Next.

This guy wrote an email yesterday. Hello, I'm a gay 16-year-old at college. How? It's like the last two years of high school at a separate school. All right? And I'm struggling with my love life. It seems that all gay men my age just want to fucking chuck as many other gays in the area. I've had a bad experience with multiple gay guys in my area,

and they've all done the same fucking chuck system to me. Am I putting off the wrong vibes? How can I find someone that wants to settle down? Or should I just wait for uni? Thanks, guys. Oh, so I think he's like in some sort of British country where college is the last two years of high school in a separate school before uni.

Anyway, he's a 16-year-old gay guy that's getting fucked and chucked a lot. So he's an old soul. He wants to settle down with somebody. Yeah, even at age 16. I mean, I cannot relate to it, but... Am I putting off the wrong guys? I think you're just, at that age,

people are more eager to, quote, fucking chuck. Yeah, when you're 16, more people are fucking and chucking than fucking and sticking. Sticking. But I'm thinking about sticking. I guess you can be honest with people before you hook up. Hey, I'm not just down to fucking chuck. I guess you can hold out for longer.

I know that's probably a good strategy. It's like I don't sleep on the first, second, third, fourth date. And then it's like if someone wants to stick around and really make a connection and then fuck me, then that person's worth it uh i guess it's cool that you're 16 years old and already feeling that way i think it's fucking and chucking days were probably when he was like 12 and 13 and he's over it now people also go out they you know yeah there's like ebbs and flows with this like maybe when i was 16 i was thinking about settling down it's like oh it's so nice i want to have a girlfriend to go to a movie with. Yeah. But then you do that for a little bit.

And you're like, actually, I want to have some freewheeling single time. Did you tell your parents about girlfriends? Did you brag about that? Or were you kind of shy about it? Were you like, I have a girlfriend, mom, at age 14? Oh, no. I was kind of shy about it. But then what do you do?

Like, can you drive me to the movie? I'm going to see it with Cheryl or whatever. I mean, I think that like, I don't, there weren't a lot of, I had like one girlfriend in high school, so it wasn't really, it was not really an issue. But we would, I'd have like girls over and my mom was always, I guess this was more of it. Like I was hooking up with girls and I didn't want my parents to know about it. And then they would always be like, oh, is so-and-so your girlfriend? Like, no, she's not. Right. Because I was like hooking up with girls and I didn't want my parents to know about it. And then they would always be like, oh, is so-and-so your girlfriend? No, she's not. I was like hooking up with people. And then when

I had a girlfriend, maybe I was like, I might've, maybe I was excited to tell them because they like hadn't seen me have one. I don't really remember. Yeah. I was always like so shy. I didn't tell my parents anything. Like I didn't even want to like go on dates. Cause I'm like, oh, I don't want my parents finding out or asking about this person or all this stuff. And that's not changed. Yeah. And here we are 34 years later

still keeping them at an arm's distance. One last question? Yeah. We have time for one last question. All right. The question after that seems like it's very urgent so maybe we should read that one it's i think i'm in trouble with four exclamation points and then there was a follow-up

that said update on my situation with three exclamation points okay let's see if i can get through this this is a guy we'll call him um mordecai. Still thinking about the Jewish. About 18 months ago, I dated this girl for a few weeks. Let's call her Maisie. We both decided that it wasn't going to work and we went our separate ways. We sort of kept in touch and slowly became really good friends. We live in different cities.

I in London and her in Manchester. And this makes it rare when we get a chance to meet up and just chill. She started to date this guy and I'm actually happy for her. And she is really open about her relationship and sex life, which I don't mind as I share with her. I share mine with her also. She's very recently started to talk about how she isn't having a satisfying sex life with him.

And she did with me. She says she regrets that we didn't make things work. And I honestly agree. I figured that we would kind of move past it and it would not be an issue anymore. But she brings it up every time we talk. I don't know if she's hinting at wanting to hook up with me or if she's just reminiscing. I'm so confused because she seems to be really into this guy she's dating. And I don't want to be the one that breaks it up.

And this could be her true love. But I don't want to hook up with her. But I do want to hook up with her as she is incredibly good looking we are meeting up next weekend to chill and just kind of hang out do you think i should bonehead you think i should try and make a move if she's into it great but if she doesn't uh want things to get weird between us but i don't want things to get weird between us as she is a great friend and then one day later update on my situation. He hooked up with her. This girl I was meant to meet up with started to sext me.

At first, I was apprehensive, because I know she has a boyfriend, but I started to get into it when she agreed to send me nudes. I also asked once, and I didn't really need to push her to get it. Sorry, I only asked once, and I didn't really need to push her to get it. Sorry, I only asked once and I didn't really need to push for her to get it. I know I shouldn't assume this means we will definitely fuck when we meet up. I know she has a boyfriend and I'm usually good.

I'm usually a good guy who believes in karma, but I really wanted to fuck this girl for a while and I definitely don't want anything like this to happen to me. I'm aware that this would be cheating and he's not my boyfriend, but I've reminded her on numerous occasions that she's in a relationship and I think that just makes her want to do it more. Should I

seize the cheese and just try to fuck her and not worry about the consequences? Help! Update on my situation again! Nine exclamation points. I am fucking her! I'm currently inside her! Does this mean she wants to fuck? I was quite apprehensive at first! But with each passing thrust, I really feel like she's into me.

And I'm into her. Opt in on my situation. We've had sex four times now. Do you think she wants to hook up yet again? I don't want to read too much into the coitus, but I'm starting to get vibes that she's not really into her other boyfriend. Jeez Louise, man. This is the opposite of what we usually get,

which is like a guy like, hey, this girl looked at me and then walked away. Do you think she's into it? Should I go for it? And this girl's like, yeah, I like you. I'm sending you nudes. I'm sexting you. I want to hook up and hang out.

And he's like, do you think she's into me? I think she needs to break up with her boyfriend. That's what I would say. I wonder if she even has a boyfriend i think the i think this girl definitely likes you it sounds like you want to give it a shot and not just fuck like he says he he wished they gave it a shot when they were texting before yeah so i think you say if we are you i don't want to do it while you have a boyfriend i don't think you should fuck her while she has a boyfriend i don't know if this guy's playing dumb or he's actually this love dumb, but this girl is obviously into you.

Oh, yeah. You're a full-on moron. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe he used to be unattractive and he still has that mental image of him. He's like, no girl can be into me, but she is sexting me. She probably just wants to sext and would hate to have my dick, even though she said she preferred it to her

boyfriend. Yeah, and I kind of agree with her. I also had fun having sex with her. It sounds like neither of you guys care about the boyfriend very much. So, why don't we just remove him from the equation? Oh, he said, P.S. We can call him Junior. That's a pretty cool name. I like that. Alright, Junior. Listen up. Go for

it. Connect four. You can probably, and will probably hook up with this girl if you haven't already. This email was sent yesterday, but you'll probably only listen to this after the weekend. Let us know what happened. We want to follow up up on this guy. We want to know how many times he slept with this girl. Can you imagine after all this, he makes a move and she's like, whoa, you misread this situation. Where did that come from?

Those nudes were very, very platonic. I really think that you should make sure she breaks up with a boyfriend. First. Yeah, don't do it unless she breaks up. The relationship is so thin and flimsy, I barely call it cheating at this point. I mean, she's clearly checked out

in every possible way. Yeah. Which is exactly why it's cheating. Yeah. Whether she breaks up with him before or after, it seems like it's gonna be moot in the long term. A foregone conclusion. But I think that... Make sure that the breakup happens. Alright. Cool. The end. That's it. That's all. If you have

your own questions or theme song submissions, send them all over to ifireadyshow at gmail.com. Sometimes they'll be great and we'll read them. Sometimes we'll just play this game again. I don't know. I think it worked out. Let us know what you think. Tweet at us. Snapchat us. Instagram. Vine. We're on

Vine. They closed Vine, but we figured out a way to keep it going. We invested our own money. We're the only people left on Vine. They closed it for everybody but us. The opening theme song was written by Aiden Avery. This closing one was written by Amelia. Let me see if she had anything that, Amelia had anything that she wanted to plug.

Did we have anything we wanted to talk? Oh, the HeadGum store. That's awesome shirt. Available right now. That's awesome, dude. The shirt. And we should have Jeffrey on the show store. That's awesome shirt. Available right now. That's awesome, dude. The shirt. And we should have Jeffrey on the show soon. That's really true.

Amelia. Amelia Sween. That's it. Thank you, Amelia, for writing this theme song for us. We'll be back next week. Toda. Goodbye. Good night.

Adios. Adios. If I were you and you do you Then you'd be doing me You'd make all my dreams come true If I were you