Segments - 258: Sex Farts

Episode Date: February 13, 2017

In this episode we discuss hot sauce, lasagna, and gas. The three major food groups. This episode brought to you by Dove Men+Care! Help us and our sponsors by taking this survey: http://wondery.com/survey/ See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N dot com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. a problem and you don't know what to do There's two Jewish

guys who will hear your cries and tell you, yo, do you, you never have to worry cause they'll always lend an ear Just send your questions to if I were

you, with Jake and me That's that La la land shit that's that croony shit that's that jazzy up to date up on your lounge act shit would you believe that that was written and recorded by a boyfriend and girlfriend from the UK? Yes, I would believe that. Well, I was lying. Whoa. It was recorded by a lizard. Husband and wife.

No, it's true. Ben and Hannah wrote a Frasier-esque ditty from Surrey, UK. Please let me know for which episode you use it. I'm about 20 episodes behind at the present. What the fuck is that? Delete the song. What? Delete it.

From what? The record. There's no record. The public record? The record. There's no record. The public record? The public domain? You're very confident. For the record? And, oh, that's a good name for a podcast.

Oh, for the record. Yeah. And it's like just people making stances about albums. Yeah, it's a good name for an album label, actually. Really? Yeah. Should's a good name for an album label, actually. Really? Yeah. Should we start a label? Or at the very least, start calling HeadGum a label instead of...

Oh, that's good. So we'll call it an indie label. Yeah. So somebody at a bar would be like... Like if you meet a cute girl at a bar and she's like, what are you doing? Well, let's start from the top. I don't want to get to that. Because if I meet a cute girl at the bar, she's not going to say, what are you doing?

She'll say, what do you do? Jesus, you have low self-esteem. I meet a cute girl at the bar and she's like, what are you doing here? Yeah, like, why are you here? You know I have a restraining order against you. And I'm like, oh, I actually do comedy. And then she says, oh, like stand-up? And I'd be like, actually, like stand up, you wench.

I have a label. You've been maced many times over before you say I have a label. And then when I say I have a label, she thinks that. Record label. Right. She thinks like cool record label. And then you're like, she's like, who have you signed? And you're like, Dave Rosenberg.

Yeah. And she's like, I have you signed? And you're like, Dave Rosenberg. Yeah. And she's like, I don't know that artist. No, but nobody wants to be like, I don't know that. Well, you could just say the name of the shows. You say, oh, yeah, we signed High and Mighty. And Twinnovation. Yeah. Like, oh, that actually sounds pretty neat.

Yeah, you should listen to it. They have this one 45-minute long. No, no, no. You don't want to tip your hand. Yes. About iced coffee. That's pretty, yeah. Yeah, OK. 45 minute long no no no you don't don't want to tip your hand track yes about iced coffee that's pretty yeah

yeah okay but don't call it a 45 minute track well I would say just call it a track I would say listen to episode 72 it does an episode

wow they'll know it's a podcast got it okay I think alright so I'll say I run a podcast network slash indie label indie don't say podcast network.

Forget it, man. How do I kiss them? Maced again. Hey, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet that's completely global, completely international. You're listening to it live. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. Not necessarily listening to it live, though.

We're recording this a week before. That's true. I guess nobody's listening to it quote-unquote live. Except for me and you. We're supposed to be answering questions. People who will email us in rough places in their lives and sticky situations. They're in need of our guidance, our advice. This episode is no different. Let's do it.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Bing bong, bing bong, bing. All right. What? I don't know. It's making a theme song. This question is called penis malfunction. Oh, then it came to us from RoboCop.

Why is that? Because he has malfunctions. Oh, like a robot wrote this. Yeah, or Professor Gadget. Got it. Hello, you fuckers. My name is Robocop. I'm from Germany, 24 years old, and I'm experiencing a penis malfunction.

Like Amir, I make up the lack of sorry, like Amir, I make up the lack of good looks through jokes and find myself surprisingly successful. He, but when it goes down dirty lane, the following happens. First,

sex. I come super fast. Bad. Second sex I don't come at all and my erection is weak Very bad I don't trust pharmaceuticals And have tried all sorts of natural aphrodisiacs Like applying a hot sauce

Same results I am living a life of pain Please help me P.S. I have a porn addiction And I masturbate around thrice daily. Here I also have to apply a lot of force to get to work, you know what I'm saying?

Love the show. Day one listener. Robocop. Okay. Alright. Let's do it. I don't appreciate the insult. The saying I'm ugly at the top. Get over it, dude. I mean, yeah, I guess he finds me funny, which is nice, but lack of good looks through jokes? He didn't say that you were ugly.

He just said you lacked good looks. Oh. You have looks. You have a look. Oh, I see. He's not attractive. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get that.

I was afraid that he was insulting me. No, no, dude. Doesn't he talk like a Trump tweet yeah bad exclamation point my erection is weak sad uh i wonder if he's living a life of pain because he's jerking his dick raw and then pouring hot sauce on it yeah i got hot sauce on my dick i would would, uh, my dick up. I hear I also have to apply a lot of force. Yeah, why is he masturbating thrice daily if he has to apply so much

force? Yeah, like, it should be that hard to come when you're masturbating. Ugh. So, and he also, he's tried, he doesn't trust pharmaceuticals, but he's tried natural aphrodisiacs, like applying hot sauce. Right. So he doesn't trust pharmaceuticals, but he's tried natural aphrodisiacs, like applying hot sauce. Right.

So he doesn't trust medicine pills. I'd really hate something prescribed by a doctor. I want to go to Whole Foods and fuck a sriracha bottle. That would be ideal. I just don't know what's in these pills. But I do know what's in a bottle of Tabasco sauce that I just empty on my dick like somebody who likes hot sauce on their wiener schnitzel. Same results, he says. He's living a life of pain.

Right, of course. Your dick is burning. That's painful. So as licensed physicians, we can give you the following. Just general advice. Masturbate less. Yep. Smile more. Smile more. Which means don't, what would hot sauce on your dick? How is that an aphrodisiac? I've never heard of it before. I don't know. Well, it's supposed to be like some kind of like numbing agent or something, but it doesn't seem like it numbs anything it's maybe it like rushes the blood to your dick because it's like there's there's there's a there's an emergency afoot for

me so to google right quick yeah um i've never known of any food to turn me on as much as you know pictures and videos of the opposite sex so i'm not really sure what the nat what a natural aphrodisiac could be whether it's applying hot sauce or not people say seafood or oysters is an aphrodisiac but i i find those quite disgusting it doesn't seem like he's in the need of an aphrodisiac he's in the need of like an earth like a get your dick hard remedy or something well isn't that an aphrodisiac is it gets your dick that what an aphrodisiac is? It gets your dick hard? No, aphrodisiac is like when people want to have sex. I don't think it has to do with like...

Aphrodisiac is more the mood, not the physical hardness or wetness. Also, if anything, he does kind of need the opposite because he says he comes super fast and he masturbates too much. So you need to put something on your dick that makes you not turned on, which might actually be the hot sauce in retrospect.

Is there anything on the internet about hot sauce in your dick? Just a pretty funny Yahoo answer thread where the first question is, got hot sauce on my penis and it really burns. What should I do? So basically I had Tabasco sauce with my dinner and some got on my hands. I washed them thinking I got it all off then I masturbated and then the

that guy basically fucked a burrito we can just go through the dog and pony show of a guy on my hands we know you fucked a burrito at the very least a quesadilla somebody responded just use lots of soap and water clean it with a cold water you will be ok got it on my hands and I walked... No, he fucked a burrito. At the very least, a quesadilla. Somebody responded, just use lots of soap and water,

clean it with the cold water, you will be okay. I did that before. Trust me, I was one to fuck not a burrito but a taco and it didn't come out very well. Hardshell. Hashtag a hard shell.

I don't know if this will help, but take a shower, then find some cream and put it on after taking a shower it helped my boyfriend when I was going out with him because I did something

I wish I did not but good luck Jesus she must have done the ghost pepper ghost pepper challenge and blew him yeah

at the very least a burrito she was a burrito I think coming too fast is like it's not great but you can like. Coming too fast is like it's not great, but you can like over, like

sex, as long as it's not something you're doing like just once, like you can get have sex once, come too fast, and then like get ready to go again. Right. So you're saying you'd rather come too fast than Not at all.

Not at all? No, I'd probably... Because one is like cool, like, sorry, babe, I couldn't get it up. But it's a lot cooler than, oh, I came too fast. I would rather come too fast

than not be able to get it up. Oh. There's a difference between not being able to get off and not being able to get it up. So you'd rather... So in order, the worst thing is i can't even get it up yeah like i cannot even get an erection no like you were just like playing with my flaccid dick and we're we both feel like failures okay second one one shame step below that i came too fast no i think one shame step below that is I didn't

come. We're talking about the worst. Oh yeah, worst. So one shame step above? Yeah, one shame step above that. No, I guess below because you feel less. No, let's just stick with going up. Okay.

Is coming too early. Because then you feel like a loser, but somebody else can feel like a sense of an accomplishment. Because they got you off super quick. I'm sexy, yeah. And then not being able to come, because at least everybody gets to have sex, and you don't necessarily get your release,

but at least it helps you get their release. Or she got off, yeah. Right. Ideally. Yes. You never hear about females that come too fast. Premature female ejaculation. Right.

It's just, that's just like great. Well, I think it's... Because that's not an issue. We should have a woman guest on the show to talk about it. But I think girls can have multiple orgasms during sex. So it's no big deal. You can have one and then keep on going. Guys, you sort of have one and then you've deflated that little balloon there.

This is funny. An article from 2011. Premature orgasm affects women too, studies suggest. And the picture is this stock photo of a guy apologizing to a woman at the end of the bed. Like she cooked him dinner and he'd forgotten. Men aren't the only ones who might find themselves peaking too early in the sack. According to a new study, a small percentage of women also experience premature orgasm. Namaste.

And if you're out there and you do do that, please let us know. We'd love to hear from you, too. Tweet at Amir. DM me specifically. All right. Have we helped this guy out? Not really, but just masturbate less

and don't worry so much. If you come too early. Just like... Say, ooh, sorry I got so turned on. Turn it into a positive. And then you can go down on them or something until you get your dick hard again and then have sex. And I think that usually works. Maybe wait longer between first and second

because he says, I don't cum at all and my erection is weak. It seems like just a matter of time. At a certain point, the second sex become first sex again and you want to find the right middle ground right where it still feels like second sex rather than the first sex of a different session you're talking circles around me i have no idea what that meant but yeah i i like let's say you have sex that's the first sex then you wait six hours and you have sex again is that the first sex again or is it second sex i guess that the first sex. Then you wait six hours and you have sex again. Is that the first sex again? Or is it second sex? I guess that's first sex again.

Right. Four hours, suddenly you're in the gray area. Move on. And that's where you want to be. This is you explaining it. Absolutely move on. All right. Ooh.

This one is called polyamorous puzzler. Ooh, let's call her Poly Pocket because... That's actually her real name. Really? Yeah, she signed it. Her last name is fucking Pocket. Pocket, yeah. That's insane.

That's a cute last name for somebody. Hi, I'm James Pocket. Jane Pocket. Jane Pocket. Jane Pocket, if you don't pay attention in class, I'll start to hit you with a ruler, Miss Pocket. That's illegal. Is it now? That's absolutely illegal, teacher. Especially because you're a 34-year-old Jew

speaking like Mrs. Doubtfire for some reason. You're a cross-dresser middle school teacher. Oh, no. Polly Pocket writes, First of all, love your show. Been listening for years. First time writing in. I'm in a happily polyamorous relationship.

And a few weeks ago, I met my boyfriend's other partner, and we really hit it off. It was like our boyfriend wasn't even there as we swapped stories and laughed. And she even opened up to me about her past. I was super into her and she seemed super into me. After meeting her, I brought up hooking up with her to my boyfriend and he was down. Yeah. Things were looking great, but about a week later, I ended up dumping my boyfriend for completely unrelated reasons. It ended amicably, but he was

pretty crushed. So here's my question. Can I still seize the cheese with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend if she's down? Or would that put too much salt on the wound and be too cruel? Feel free to mock me mercilessly for my Escher-level puzzle of a love life, but I'd really like to know what you think. If it helps, I'm a 24-year-old woman. Great. It does help me picture you as the hottest girl ever. She's so hot. Anybody in a polyamorous relationship must be hot. Yep.

So, girl is in a polyamorous relationship, wants to fuck the guy's girl. Other girl. Yeah. I definitely understand why this guy is super upset that he got dumped, because he was like having threesomes with two hot girls or at the very least hot in your mind yeah which is good enough for you in my brain if they're as hot as they are in my brain oh my god oh yeah you are oh tabasco sauce yeah holy shit it is a natural actually what's the one with the lady on the label?

I believe that's the Cholula. Very good. It's not Tapatio. That's a man in a sombrero, I believe. There's only three things it can be. It's a woman doing some sort of chore, a man in a sombrero, or a chili pepper. Yeah, sriracha, isn't it a chicken?

Oh, yeah, why is that? I don't know. Because it tastes great on chicken. So is it mean? Is it mean to hook up with your ex-boyfriend's current girlfriend? That's what the dude signed up for with the polyamory thing. Yeah. I feel like once polyamory is involved, all bets are off.

Anybody can do whatever. Yeah. You are not allowed to be into polyam, and then also be possessive of anything. Yeah. That's the whole fucking point. It's like free love. You've got to have a threesome by having this like free will and free love lifestyle. I don't know if he did get to have it because she broke up with him before that situation.

They didn't have it? No, I really don't blame him for being fucking devastated. Because it's like, oh yeah, I'm down to have a threesome. And then she breaks up with you. And then she's like, actually, I'm just going to fuck her without you. Yeah, that's too bad. But sometimes you fly too close to the sun. I don't think that, I think he might be mad at you. Do I think he can be mad at you or should be mad at you? It's hard to be polyamorous and also mad because it seems like you're just a carefree kind of dude. Yeah. It's like, how could you do this to me?

I was fucking everybody and anything in my group, and you ruined that by doing that too. To me. I guess you can be like, you're not part of the group, so you don't get to do that. Yeah, the thing I still don't understand about polyamory is like, why would you complicate it and have like three girlfriends that you're not allowed to fuck outside that it should be about just like everyone can love

everybody. Right. Polyamory for the world, not for this closed unit of six people. Like that's even worse than just having a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Then you have to have like several girlfriends you have to worry about. Yeah. And then do you have to divide up the amount of worry that you have?

Like, do you go on dates with three at the same time or do you have to divide up the amount of worry that you have? Like, do you go on dates with three at the same time or do you have to schedule them out over the course of a week? We should really have somebody that's in a polyamorous situation on the show because I have, I've got concerns. Yeah. Like my, I guess my biggest question is, can it like, much like veganism, can it last forever? Like, can you be polyamorous in this group for always? Or is it just like you go through years of doing it and then you have to, like, settle down and start eating eggs again? Yeah, it seems, I bet it's pretty rare. It seems pretty rare that it's, like, a true success through and through.

Right, like, you never hear, like, oh, my parents or my grandparents are in a polyamorous relationship. Yeah, well, I have six grandparents. Yeah, they all live together. They're all sucking and fucking back there. It's so hot. Grandma, stop turning me on. Christ. Oh, my God.

You're all fucking doing each other. I can't eat my fucking cereal without getting hard, Dad. You said it was grandma before. My dad and my grandparents are all just blowing each other and I can't help but be fucking hot. That's not polyamory, that's incest. What kind of cereal are you eating? I'm having a cornflake. It's the size of a fucking baseball mitt.

What the fuck is this? I'm coming and eating a sheet of fucking corn. And it's all my great aunt's fault. Because she's blowing my cousin. I don't know what to do or think about it. Christ, Ethel. There's not even milk in this bowl. It's just literally a deep fried sheet of notebook paper.

And then it's not cereal. What? It's not cereal and your parents molest you. I'm laughing because it hurts. Or there's some sort of gas leak in here. I mean, Christ. Go for it. Go for it. Go for it. for it Go for it

I forgot what the question was Go for it Whatever it is Whatever your situation Go for it How do you start a polyamory? Does it take three? Or can I be like

Find a girl who's down to add more I feel like Have we talked about this on the show? How I was in a polyamorous relationship. But you were recruited late in the game. I don't know. I want to know how it started. Right.

I mean, I think it starts with two people. Who are down to be open. Who are like, want to have threesomes. Who want to have like, sort of an open relationship. Okay. And then those two people get a crush on somebody. And they're like, we should all just like, we should all be together. Right.

You know, like your threesome turns into brunch the next day. Yeah. Like an afternoon romp. That's nice. And then you're like, oh, well,

why don't you stay over and watch a movie? I'm like, hey, maybe we're just like a fucking trio here. And then like with that trio, she's got a crush on somebody else

and then she's like, oh, can I like tell my friend that like we should all, you know? Yeah. And it just like expands. I think that's the way it works. And then there's also like,, can I tell my friend that we should all... And it just expands. I think that's the way it works.

And then there's also polyamorous mixers and stuff where people who believe in that kind of thing, they go to the same parties, they hang out with the same people. It's like, oh, this person's in an open relationship. I know this person's in a polyamorous relationship. We're all fucking... Isn't it funny to imagine like you think there could be a polyamorous relationship where everyone's just like instead of free-spirited they're all just like very logical and practical like me so like or would it just have to be me not fitting well

into a very spiritual polyamorous quartet yeah i don't know if there's a lot of logical polyamorous people or like yeah it's people that like don't really yeah they don't know if there's a lot of logical polyamorous people or like yeah it's people that like don't really yeah they don't really think about consequences it seems like there's not a lot of neurotic could see you like being into it because it's like low commitment low stress well i guess i my personal belief is that it's not really low commitment it's like high commitment to several people instead of one right that. That's why it's a little, it's not good. It's just hard to be in a neurotic polyamorous relationship. I think so many relationships do, like, the thing that undoes so many polyamorous relationships

is when people, like, catch real feelings for people and everybody's a little bit possessive. But don't you think they would consider themselves as having real feelings? Or this is more of a non-real feeling? Like, can't you see, like, consider themselves as having real feelings or this is more of a non-real feel like can't you see like i love you i love you like isn't that part of the polyamorous i guess this is probably the thing that a lot of people deal with is like sometimes you're you you're like oh i i care about this person but it's like i like my freedom and i like being able to hook up with other people. And then, and like, but I bet there's also some people who believe so much in the philosophy that they're like the best thing I can do.

Like, I love this person so much and I want them to have orgasms for many people. That's what I believe. Yeah. But I feel like those people are few and far between. It's hard to find. Yeah. It's hard to find those people.

Especially if like, if it's one out of a thousand and five of them are already in a relationship yep that's true they're all like clumped together in these polyamorous circles yeah it just generally to me feels like a little opportunistic because it's like oh i can have threesomes and fuck other people that's perfect i wonder if there's a hierarchy within like there's one guy that's fucking everybody and then like there's somebody at the bottom of the totem pole that's not really getting that same situation like it's not communism there were there was some like radio show that i heard about the oneida commune in upstate new york that like sort of dealt with there was like free loving and everybody could fuck everybody

but there was like kind of a couple uggos on the. There were some people that didn't get to fuck everybody. And it was just like their wives that they brought to the commune getting fucked. Right. Cause it's like, does everybody have to be the same level of hotness? Like, can it be a polyamorous circle with one hot guy and four uglies?

I mean, or what if four hotties and a single ugly, are they still fucking each other as much as possible? This is really something that we should explore, actually. Yeah. We should film a documentary on us going to Burning Man. Just talking to people. How does it work?

We're getting fucked. All right, let's take a break. Let's thank some peeps. We'll come back. We'll answer some more Qs. Toe-da. Right after yous. Good night.

Good fight. Yul. Yul. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode Of our show The NFL is back That's correct And the best part of football season is Checking out the post game stats I want to know which wideout scored more than

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Void where prohibited. One per new customer. Non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell,

easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held.

They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great.

Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters.

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What's up? Whether you like it or not, we are back and we are better than ever. Speaking of back, your back is back. My back is back. My back was hurt. Now I'm feeling good. Since recording the last episode, I got stitches from a gym accident. We're dying.

Every episode is a new injury to complain about. I dropped a weight and my pinky kind of exploded open. You were popping your pinky like a zit. And I had to go to the hospital and somebody stitched me up. How many stitches did you get? Four stitches. Four stitches. Four stitches that sort of zip my skin together like a jacket.

And you get them off on Friday? Yeah, my father can take them off. He's a gynecologist, so he deals with stitches occasionally. And he has a kit that will allow him to sort of take the stitches out of my pinky. A kit that he usually uses to take the stitches out of vaginas? Yeah, if necessary, he can... Does he clean those tools or just throw them away when he's done? I believe it's a one and done type kit. But if it's at home, maybe it's just wash them up, throw away, put them up.

Put the vagina tools in the dishwasher. Yeah, just let a deep soak in a hot tub. Take them out, wash them up, throw it down, stink it up and it's good to go and your your pinky is amputated? it is golf, yes, it was dangling off when I got there and they said if I act quickly

they could probably save it and I ended up having to take a pretty long shit by the time I got out I was refreshing Instagram for a bit I wanted to see if anyone had viewed my story. Turns out they haven't. What a slap in the fucking face. Fair. We're coming to

Austin as part of the HeadGum Live podcast festival. That's what's up. It's not just us. We're performing with Black Men Can't Jump, Twinnovation, High and Mighty. This is Why You're Single. That's right. Complete Guide to Everything.

Who Weekly. And a bunch of other people and friends are going to be there Saturday, March 11th in Austin. I think it's worth driving to from Houston. Yeah. And Dallas. And Dallas. So if you're in the Dallas, Houston, Austin. Fucking Amarillo.

Really. Goodnight, Texas. I want really, goodnight Texas. I want to see you all there. In Texas. That if you live within, it's going to be a very, very fun way to spend a Saturday because it's also part of the festival. So you're going to have a lot of great things to see

and funny shows to watch. And we're going to be there just eating, drinking, joking, laughing. I'll be chilling throughout every show, actually. Taking pics with anybody that wants to take a pic. Taking pics, taking pills, you know what I'm saying? What? Oh, Advil?

Yeah. I don't think so. Vitamin D. Aleve. What's that? Aleve. That's really nice. Aleve.

That's what I'm saying. To go get the molly. I hate that. Me too. We're also coming back to Australia. It's funny. We're going to be in Austin on Saturday, and we have a show in Australia five days after that.

That's fucking tight. Our show in Melbourne is on March 16th. Our show in Sydney is on March 18th. We're doing just two shows in Australia. Last time we did five. Last time we did five, we sold out Melbourne and Sydney. This time we're only doing two. So we're getting some people traveling in.

Tickets will be sold out. Shows are moving quickly, so buy the tickets as soon as possible. Please, please, please. I don't know if it's first come, first serve, or you can actually buy better tickets now. I don't know either. I think they do some kind of like VIP tickets, too.

Yeah, there's some incentive to snatching them fast, so don't delay. Buy today. And then we're also going to Denver and Tempe. We're going to have an East Coast run in May. We have a busy couple months. For all of our dates, check out jakeandamir.com or ifireyoushow.com What else

about us that I haven't even mentioned yet? You're working out. You're in your second month straight. Of course, that's good. I'm growing a beard. I have a longer beard than usual. At my behest. Yeah. You're sort of forcing me to grow your second month straight? Of course, that's good. I'm growing a beard. I have a longer beard than usual. At my behest. Yeah, you're sort of forcing me to grow a beard.

You know what I'm getting now is like, when I play with it, I'm getting like beard dandruff. Oh yeah, that'll happen. Is that from the hair? Is that from the skin underneath the hair? That's the skin underneath the hair. You think that's fair to me to have that? Well, I think what you need to do is get some beard oil.

See, this is what I didn't want to get into. Now I'm like part of this whole beard culture world. I don't need the oils. I don't want the moisturizers. You already used my beard comb. That's what I'm worried about. It's a slippery slope

and pretty soon I... You need the oils. I really think at the very least you need the oils. You need to make your beard nice and healthy. But isn't...

Is the oils for my face or for the hair? A little bit of both, buddy. I don't want to put oil in my skin. Well, I mean, you can't see the beard dandruff anyway. Well, sometimes if I wear a dark shirt and I play with my hair, you can see it on my shirt. Oh, well, then you really need the oils. And then the oils do what?

What do the fucking oils do that I have to get the fucking oil? That actually makes sense, actually. Jesus. I don't know why I snapped. I'm so pissed. I think it was a beard thing. Yeah. And I don't know why it caused that.

Yeah. No, that wasn't fine. That was not cool. That wasn't good to have it. Yeah. Any other things we can do before we get back to the questions? You can give a shout-out to anyone, actually. Really?

Yeah, I think we should institute a new segment. All right, give a shout-out? Yeah, or shout someone out. All right, shout-out to my sister, Rachel. That's it? Yeah, shout-out. Just like a little personal shout-out? Yeah, like like what's up

you said I could do that so I said you're making me feel weird about it now I was hoping whatever it would be like who did you want me

to shout out you are you serious who else your fucking sister we've been co-hosting the fucking show I know

all this for hundreds of episodes you've been we've been talking to each other for an hour. I know, but you never... Sorry, so you want me with my shout-out to shout-out you. Nobody shouts me out. Why would they shout me out?

Because you're the host of the show. They don't have to shout you out. Not on this show, but in general, nobody's ever shouted me out. So I was giving you an hour. People shout you out all the time. They do say nice things about me, but they never say shout-out to. If you want, I'll give you a second shout out. You can be to anybody.

Who do you want to give a second shout out to? Shout out to fucking Whitney. What are you saying right now? Our employee Whitney. Okay, three shout outs. Marty. What the fuck is happening? How many shout outs do you have to have before you start shouting me out?

Mike Carnell, Nick Rad, Jeffy and Davey. Sure. Laura Lane, Angela Spira. And Amir Blumenfeld. Oh, my God. Me of all people. A shoutout. Yeah, you, Amir, my coolest dude.

I don't sound like that, do I? Thank you for the shoutout. I do appreciate it shout out man thanks here's a question subject line mid coitus fart I have been there I've been there is the guy's name

Jake let's cut to the chase I fart a lot my farts are like wild beasts and are best left to roam free across the plains but when treating girls daily nightly and ever so rightly i have to cage the beast and it grows angry holding one fart is okay another and there is noticeable tightness around the midriff. But after holding three farts, the pain begins. It fucking hurts. It's okay to go to the toilet once. They don't usually care. But soon after, the excuses become thinner and thinner, and I'm struggling to make up realistic reasons in the moment.

I'll sometimes go to the bathroom and just fart continuously for seven or eight seconds. Jesus. I try the side duvet waft, but I'm conscious that the more I do this, the more I risk terraforming the room. I'm actually proud of my farts, but wish there was a valve to turn it off during sex, so I don't have to trip to the bathroom every time a fart beast tries to rip itself out of my English anus. Have you guys ever experienced this? What are solutions? What are the solutions I so desperately need? Thanks, boys. Love, Jake. Gee whiz, man.

I didn't realize it was that. Serious? Yeah. It was like a fucking gas leak. It's funny. I've held farts in before, but I've never separated it as like, all right, I've held one fart, and now it's waiting at the door. Oh, I just held farts in before, but I've never like separated it as like, all right, I've held one fart and now it's waiting at the door.

Oh, I just held in another fart and that one's waiting. Oh, now they're all pushing. Yeah, it's like a fucking three stooges trying to wedge through one door and they can't make it out. I just think of it as like a gas buildup. Yeah. You could just, yeah, maybe you need to frame it a little easier on yourself. It's just a tiny little gas buildup, not like three people banging at a door. Yeah.

I wonder if when you hold in a fart, have you had to hold in a fart recently? Yeah. Yeah, sure. I wonder where that gas goes. Because when you fart, there's a nice release. And if you just squeeze, do you get the little bubbling in your stomach? Do you like to get that, and then it just sort of dissipates? Hmm, I can't really, no, I don't think so.

You just sort of, but it does feel like a stress. Like there's oxygen in you. Yeah, yeah, you can feel that, I guess. But I don't ever feel it go, bubble up and go a different direction. But it eventually has to go away. Like, you can't just balloon and balloon to the point where you're, I don't know, like a Oompa Loompa getting pushed away. Right. Or like the blueberry, what's it called? The guy that ate the blueberry?

Oh, well, isn't it veruca salt that she turns into violet violet turns into the blueberry that the the oompa loompas roll away right right it wouldn't happen like that if you just didn't fart for a year well i mean i don't know how much gas is like in a fart like how much get is it really like a large like if you farted into a bag right and it was a solid. How much space does it occupy? I would think the way to figure that out is to. Fart into a bag?

No, a balloon. Right. Well, you'd have to tie it. You'd have to tie your balloon knot to the balloon knot. Yeah. How would you get your balloon knot so closely? A tight seal. Yeah. So I thought of that too.

Really? Yeah. How? thought of that too. Really? Yeah. How? What you would do is you would have to flower your anus. Fuck, squeeze me. You'd have to flower it. I heard you. I don't understand what you were talking about.

Like, do you know the shape of a flower? How it sort of- There's so many different flowers. Starts taut at the stem and blooms up towards the sun. Oh, see, wait. You'd sort of shape your little brown eye to be that of a tulip or a rose. You need your butt to be inside out. That's correct.

You need it, K-N-e-a-d you need your butt you need your butthole until it's shaped a lot like a glass or a ceramic vase a vase of sorts yes and this isn't a type of thing where it's a quick fix it's more of an erosion that shapes over time. It sounds like you're asking people to physically deform themselves. Like they're turning their anus into a hose. What I'm asking is for people to physically reform themselves. It seems like it would be just as effective to tie the balloon around a funnel and put the funnel into your ass. Of course. Like a small plastic mouthpiece or something.

I see. I mean, how dare you? I was just suggesting it for this guy to count the gas that he's farting. To turn his ass into a pink sock. Do you think scientists could count the size of farts if necessary? Obviously, I wouldn't want to take them away from cancer research, but the smartest people on earth. Yeah, they probably could do it, but it'd be a real shame if you took them away from trying to cure real shit. Just because you're curious.

Well, when we're done with all that shit. That said, I bet somebody's done it. Yeah, when we're done with all that shit, I want to know if you can measure the size of farts. Yeah. At the very least. After you've extended the life expectancy to a couple hundred years. Let's say 120. Yeah.

Well, we'll take a 10-minute little break. Like at Google, how you're supposed to work four days and then spend one day on your own shit. Right. So this is like spend four days curing diseases, then one day measuring farts. On my shit. Yeah. On my farts. So how do you fart without noticing?

Well, the problem with farts is that even if you do a silent guy, a silent but violent-er, they can still sometimes smell. You do silent but violent? I do silent but deadly. Yeah, yeah, I do both. SBD. Yeah. So even if you get away with it in the moment there's a chance

and you know what your farts smell like sometimes there's a stinky fart sometimes it's not so much but there's a chance that they'll smell it I mean is he talking about he said post coitus or mid coitus he's talking about when she falls asleep

they're in bed together but the subject was mid the subject was mid. The subject was mid. That's correct. Well, farting while you're having sex, I think you can hold that in. It's not like it's super painful to hold a fart in for like... His gas isn't...

Oh, shit, what's the name of that? The gas leak up in Northern California? Oh, the BP oil spill? No, no, that was the oil spill. Oh, of course. You? No, no, that was the oil spill. Oh. Of course. You're talking about a different, the Exxon Valdez oil spill? This is so not worth my time to look up.

But? There was a methane gas leak in... Oh, yeah, where was that? I thought that was in Sea Valley. Porta something. Portola Ranch? Porto Ranch, that's exactly what it is. Yeah, that was in the valley. Anyway, yeah.

So to make my joke awesome, his asshole is at the Porto Ranch gas leak. Or the BP oil spill with fucking diarrhea on a fucking seagull. Nothing's a funnier visual than having diarrhea on a seagull. Oh, no. Hey, what'd you do this weekend, Charlie?

I shit on a seagull. Wet style. I got the fucking runs and I shit it on a seagull, wet style i got the fucking runs and i shit it on a seagull yeah oh yeah oh yeah no no i diarrhea on a seagull yeah oh yeah i got a fucking yeah i got a real case of the rias dude and i fucking yeah i shat it on a bird dude it looked like the goddamn Porter Ranch gas leak. No, that was a gas leak. It looked like an oil spill, man. What? So I think it's more, here's my thing. I think it's more forgivable and easily excusable and betterly timeable to do it during sex.

Because during sex, there's already noises. There's stuff that's going on beyond your control. You do not want to ruin the mood. It's not ruining the mood. Yes, it is. No, it's not. Have you ever pressed your body together with someone and made a fart noise and it's a fun little moment?

Yeah, but I mean, you can tell the difference between we made that noise or you just farted. I think it's better to fart during sex than during the cuddling after sex. And I think if you're having a one night stand, just don't do either. Unless it hurts so much

and you have to choose. What would you choose? After. For sure. When she's asleep. A quick little spoon toot. Spoon toot riot. Throw back a bottle of farts. Spoon toot riot. Riot. I'm going fart to your fart, fart, fart. So you're saying you're the big spoon. Your anus is facing away from the lady. You wait until you hear a semblance of snoring. It can be a precious little almost silent snore.

And then you let out. I would squeeze one of my cheeks out wide so that you can hopefully let out more of a high-pitched dog whistle fart than one of those thick, loud motorboaters. I guess I would probably stay awake, stay awake, accumulating as much of the gas as I can, and then go to the bathroom, what he's talking about, rip ass. Oh, the rip ass.

Yeah, and then go right back to bed and try to fall asleep as quickly as possible. I once read a, I think it was some sort of advice, maybe it was a humorous advice, but I can't remember now

if it was humorous advice or real advice that we were just cracking up at. It was like what to do when you have to fart on a date. And it said to go to the bathroom and get on your hands and knees because if you need to fart, the best thing to do, the gas will rise. The best thing to do is to make your asshole the tallest part of your body. I've done that before too. On a date or just in general? No, not on a date. Just generally. Like if you have gas, you'll get on your knees.

And then just keep your ass as high as possible. Oh, yeah. And then just let it all rise out of you like a volcano. It's true. It's cool. What? It works. Yeah.

It works. There is nothing better than having to fart and then just being able to. Like if you've been holding it in and then someone leaves and then just like, you know, fart blanche. Oh, yeah, yeah. Fart blanche. Yeah.

Fart blanche access to your asshole. Yeah. When like, I completely agree. Yeah. When I stand or something leaves your apartment and you just get to fart for the first time. Yeah. That is just as good as coming. Fart for the very first time.

We should do some sort of song together. Ideally with Madonna, but not necessarily so. Yeah. It's about how you get to fart for the very first time when somebody leaves your apartment. Like when your fart beats. Yeah. Next to mine. the very first time when somebody leaves your apartment like when your fart beats yeah next to mine uh last question for you do you think women fart less than men oh i think they do but why but how i don't know i don't get it and then you hear about some people i don't want to stereotype

but it is women who are like yeah i just i don't know i don't fart i fart And then you hear about some people, I don't want to stereotype, but it is women, who are like, yeah, I don't know, I don't fart. I fart when I go to the bathroom. Yeah. Like that's, if I had to go to the bathroom to fart,

I'd be there all day. Why, I'd have to live in the bathroom. I'd have to sleep on the toilet, mama. You wouldn't want me to eat your famous turkey lasagna, mama, on the toilet. You know how gassy it makes me and how fartsy I become. Mama. Oh, mama.

Mama, I mustn't eat the lasagna on the toilet, mama. You know how I must have it. I'm ticklish when it comes to lasagna as well, mama. Oh, it makes me giggle, mama. Don't make me go to the bathroom to eat your lasagna and tickle myself and fart and laugh, Mama. Interesting fact here. Interesting. I can't wait to hear it. The average person produces about half a liter of farts every single day.

And even though many women won't admit it, women do fart just as often as men. In fact, a study has proven that when men and women eat the exact same food, women tend to have even more concentrated gas than men. Why is that? Now, why is that? Well, that is interesting to say that we only produce about half a liter of gas every day. Yeah. So that's a pretty under-deflated balloon. And this is facts that we can learn without having to turn your asshole inside out as

a mere suggestion. Well, I'm just saying, just press around the rosebud. can learn without having to turn your asshole inside out, as Amir suggested. Well, I'm just saying, just press around the rosebud. You know, ring around the rosy? You know that old childhood song? Oh, yeah. Sorry. I'm looking at this article about farts, and it's so interesting. What else does it say? It said, fragrance-free farts come from swallowed air. Oh, rather than food. Mm-hmm. Interestingarts come from swallowed air. Oh, rather than food. Mm-hmm.

Interesting. Swallowed air. Healthy foods that are high in sulfate, like broccoli, cauliflower, almonds, and Brussels sprouts, lead to fouler farts. Oh, interesting. That sounds... Actually, those are the four ingredients of a really good salad. Yeah. It makes a lot of sense. A lot of healthy people have very, very smelly farts.

The average person farts more than 10 times a day. More than? Over 24 hours, the average person can release up to 2 liters of gas. I wonder if you fart in your sleep or you have to be awake for it. Like, will your body fart in your sleep? Will your body fart it out for you? Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah, totally. Will it? Yes. You promise? Have you never heard people fart in their sleep? I assume they're, like, you know, trying to fall asleep or they're maybe waking up. Just for a second, just to rip ass. Yeah, I guess I've never heard someone in the dead of sleep fart.

I've had some, but I've like woken myself up with a loud fart before. But does that mean like you're farting in a dream and then you force it up? I don't know. I mean, you can cum when you're dead asleep, so I think you can fart. Don't get me started on that, man. You know my ideas. All right. If you have your own questions or your own theme songs, send them all to farts at fart.fart.

No, ifireyoushow at gmail.fart. No, sorry. Ifireyoushow at gfart.mail. I think I said that correct. Yeah. The opening theme song was written by Hannah and Ben. Remember that classic jazz standard? I loved it. And this closing one is written by Josh.

No, Joshua. Remember that guy? I remember that guy. He's back. He wrote a couple of covers, but this one's in a ridge. I like that shit. Again, we're going on the road. So if you want to hang out with us, we're going to be in Austin, Australia, Tempe, Denver. Soon to be our first show in Atlanta coming up.

Oh, yes. It hasn't even been announced yet. So we shouldn't even say anything. Don't say anything. Shh. Someone's farting. Sorry for this stinky episode. Things got pretty, pretty stinky.

They really did. A lot of fart talk. But that's okay. Now fart noise is. Who's mature now, baby? You actually did shit a little bit. I saw that. Jake's anus is the highest point of his body, so I don't blame him.

We'll be back next week with some more Q's and A's. Thanks so much for listening. Todah. Good night. Good week. Good morrow. Good afternoonrow Good afternoon Good evening

And good fart I'm in a sticky situation You see my girlfriend And she thinks I'm fucking crazy because i spend all day watching youtube if you want me i'm pretty sure you'd like it too because i spend all my days watching these two jews oh baby you should try it, I mean they have a podcast too It's called If I Were You Oh, I cannot stop

I think I have a problem I think I have a problem I'm watching too much of you two guys. So I think I have a problem. And I think I'm gonna be single again. Fuss. Baby, come back. It's just a show.

It's just a show. Baby, I love you. That was a Hate Gum podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only.