Segments - 259: Secret Diary (w/Geoffrey James!)

Episode Date: February 20, 2017

Friend and resident dumbass Geoffrey James joins us to discuss sibling revelry, velcro wallets, and grilled cheese sandwiches. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Swiping your way through the world today Takes everything you've got You've matched a total smoke show When you think you've got a shot Wouldn't you like to just be told If I were you, the show would take And a mirror will change your name

They'll be laughing at your shame You'll want to see if you can seize that cheese With a pitch to help your game You better hope that nobody knows your name You'll want to hear what they have to say Could be suicide or a three-way At the end of this, you'll be glad that they changed your name Cheers!

What? Cheers indeed! Did you know that that was the Cheers theme song? That was the Cheers theme song The original one Unchanged I was gonna say nice original But let's hear the parody That was the Cheers theme song. The original one. Unchanged. I was going to say nice original.

But let's hear the parody. The Cheers show ended, I guess, 20 years before you were born. Wow. Is that correct? Of course. Jeffrey James in the house. That's the third voice you hear. Good day. How's it going?

I didn't ask if you wanted headphones. Did you want headphones to listen to? I'd rather not hear my own voice. Okay, that's good. You definitely won't see your own voice. Strike one for Mr. Chess. The dumbass lives. Hey, I thought you wouldn't be doing this one in character.

I actually don't. Wait, when did Cheers end? I'll guess 93. And when were you born? 97. Wow. Cheers sitcom. Let's see here. Have you ever seen born? 97. Wow. Cheers sitcom. Let's see here. Have you ever seen Cheers? Norm.

That means no. Yeah. Of course. 93 is correct. Nailed it. So another point for me. Jeff, this is your first time on our podcast. This is my first time on a podcast.

Is that true? That's absolutely true. I messed around with my buddies back home, but we never actually, I mean, that was just like hooking up and shit. No mics.

We only shot video. There was no audio involved. Oh, wait, real quick, I should say that that theme song was written by Davey and Josh.

Piano and vocals by Davey. Editing by Josh. So it seems like it was just by Davey. What the fuck did Josh do? Edit a song? Last time I checked, you don't edit songs.

You play them. Anyway. Regardless. It's actually irregardless. What's that? Irregardless. Okay. I believe that's incorrect. It's actually correct. We all turn it around. Regardless and irregardless mean the same thing.

Yeah. But isn't irregardless... One isn't a word. Yeah. Excuse? Irregardless is objectively not in Merriam-Webster's. Oh, you read that fake dictionary? I'm a Webster man.

I vehemently disagree. Now I have to look that up. Yeah, you do. Is irregardless a word? Jeff did take his SATs two years ago, so he should be more on top of his shit than us. Is irregardless a word? From Yahoo Answers, it is a word.

Well, I'm done looking. Well, shit. I have to go back to school. Fuck. Jeff is a head gum co-worker head gum employee employee number four yeah you uh jeff's in charge of shooting uh writing and editing the originals that we make and let me tell you it's a real hoot a little bit of a holler, but more of a hoot. Just wait until I ask you a question. Of course. First 13 or so episodes were called Jeffrey the Dumbass, about you being really stupid. Since then, we've made a few other videos.

Titled Off Days. Branded Off Days. There's something not everybody knows, but all the writing and editing is done by me. So Jeff is just sort of in them. So yeah, people don't know that. I started off as a vagrant on the, just kind of in the parking lot and he kind of picked me up and said, hey, we need another body.

You've got the look. We shaved you head to toe. Of course. You are blanched or otherwise. You are whitewashed. And I think we're about like 18, 19 episodes deep at this point, blanched or otherwise. You're whitewashed. And I think we're about like 18, 19 episodes deep at this point, more or less.

That we've released or that we've produced? Yeah, we've made. Made, I think we're nearing 20. Holy shit. What a wild ride it's been. But you can watch them on our YouTube channel at HeadGum and our Facebook channel, HeadGum. People clamoring for Jeffrey to be on our podcast. We finally give the people what they want.

We figure this could be... We delayed as long as we could. Yeah, and at a certain point, you run out of people in your life that you can ask. I feel bad asking my actual friends. Yeah, and I do appreciate it. Plus, you can... We've already touched upon this before,

but you provide a different angle on life. You are 19? 19 years old. You're a teenager. For now. Although you're more, of course, for now. You're always your age for now. Yeah.

You don't have to say for now. You're currently aged your age. Gotta, gotta, gotta. Do you feel like a teenager? Because I look at you and I don't see a teenager. People don't think you're 19, right? Yeah. I mean, I feel like- Have you ever had a problem? Because I look at you and I don't see a teenager. People don't think you're 19, right? Yeah. I mean, I feel like...

Have you ever had a problem with your fake ID? No. I usually... I mean, first of all, with that, this is my first advice to all the tweensmen out there. Okay. It's just about how you carry yourself. You know what I mean? Like, it's about confidence.

I know people who look older than me and who get denied. Well, I guess it's easy to be confident when you are a full-bodied man in a 19-year-old's body. Able-bodied. Yeah. Like, when I was 19, I was, like, 121 pounds, and I didn't look like you.

So I couldn't be, like, very confident walking into a bar. Yeah, I feel like I've never really felt my age. I actually, like, I graduated high school a year early. Oh, really? I'm graduating college early and all that kind of thing.

I've always had older friends. And, like, my oldest friend is 54 years old. Jesus. My buddy Ivan. Is it your dad? 39 years young. Yeah, and, you know, I have a lot of friends in my 30s. Do you have any friends your age?

Oh, no. Not at all. Absolutely not. I wouldn't hang out with anybody that immature. That's how I like to frame it, but it is the other way around. Yeah, it is weird that I'm – it doesn't feel like I'm 15 years older than you. Yeah. I feel like I'm 30 and you're 26 or something. That's, I mean, that's a theme of my life. Sure. But, uh, constantly hanging out with people that are older than you. Yeah. Yeah. Do you feel like you're, what's your age range on Tinder?

45 to 60. I, yeah, no, it is. I think it's like 20 to 80. So it is older. Or 20 to 50, whatever the high end is. Yeah, I mean, I guess, you know. The high end. You are kind of an old soul. Like even the words you use, it feel like a little antiquated.

Yeah, I say ampersand. Yeah, you call the sandwich you ate divine. Divine, yeah. You speak like an old widower in Boca Raton. I think Jake once called me a 40-year-old divorcee and advised me to start wearing a wedding band. I do think you should wear a wedding band. And when somebody asks about your wife, you just sort of look longingly at your ring and say she's not with us. My buddy, my housemate and I actually have this running bit that we're like, we're gonna get married and then divorced within the same week so that every time she

comes to something that I'm at, I'm like, oh, my ex-wife's coming. Great, yeah, that's cool. Meryl should be here. Ugh. Christ. Here she is. A giant octopus. You're not gonna get custody, Cheryl! You're gonna get alimony. I'm not going to get custody, Cheryl. You're going to get alimony.

I'm not going to give you a fucking beer. Here. Here's half my heart and both of my nuts. That's what you want. Start cutting them off. Butter knife. Happy now, Merrill. Jeff, you've heard the show before, correct?

Yeah. So you understand the rules. But just in case anybody listening out there doesn't, this is their first episode, perhaps. This is an advice show. People will email us, ifireashowatgmail.com. Questions, confused about whatever in their life. Jake and I, wise beyond our years ourselves,

do our best to advise them out of their situations. Sometimes it's just us. Sometimes we have a friend, Jeff James, in the house for this episode. This is actually good because Jeff does have his shit together more than any other teenager that I know. Yeah, I would say more than most humans. Most of our listeners would want to aspire to be a Jeffrey James. So now for three or four or five questions, they can. Yeah, of can. Yeah.

Here's a good one. We need, this is a real email from a real guy. We just need a fake guy's name to preserve his anonymity. Do you got one for us, Jeff? Gaunt. What's that? Gaunt. G-A-U-D.

Gaunt. G-A-U-T? G-A-U-D. Gaunt. Sorry, you keep saying differentT? G-A-U-D. Gaunt. Sorry, you keep saying different letters. I'm trying to catch up. Gaunt. I thought there was an N. Gaunt is too jovial for this man.

I can only assume he is thin in frame and spirit. You're a linguistic illusionist. I don't remember what you said anymore. Hoptical illusion? I don't know what that is. That is, I Googled yesterday beer puns. Uh-huh. Oh.

And optical illusion. Are you naming the beer that you're brewing? Yeah, yeah. Hoptical illusion's pretty good. Well, I didn't come up with it, so I don't feel like I can use it, but that is a beer pun. All right, I'll come up with one while you're reading this. Well, that means you're not going to pay attention. I am going to pay attention.

I can fucking multitask. Let's come up with one now before I read the first one. For instance, I already came up with, that boy's got hops. That's actually really good. Brown guys can hop. That's good. What's another beer word other than hops

that we can sort of use? Malt. Oh, yeah, malt. Yeah. Oh, you know what a really good beer name is? It would be called hopscotch. Oh, that's pretty good. Because it's sort of like, it gives you some whiskey notes.

Yeah, yeah. Nice hoppy. Like that IPA scotch from Glenfiddich that I gifted to Marty. Yeah, exactly. Exactly right. Hopscotch. What about... Hopscotch.

Hopscotch. Hopscotch. Hopscotch is pretty good. Uh, Malteser. You know, like the candy. Yeah, that's nice, too. Oh, there's that one taken. It's taken, man.

By the candy. Yeah. I can see that. All right, ready? Jaunt, gaunt, got, writes, Hey guys, for the past four years I've kept a diary. Basically just recording stuff that I've done throughout my daily life that I feel I might want to remember one day.

I know it seems weird to some people, like my girlfriend, but I'm just kind of sentimental and meticulous. I think it runs in my family because my dad and sister keep diaries too. I handwrite them all in calligraphy, then I scan them and type them up. That way I have both a photographic and text record of them. I know, I'm truly a bitch and a nerd. Recently, I discovered that I had old scanned diary entries from 2013 that I hadn't typed up yet. So for the past few days, I've been spending hours typing them up when my girlfriend and I, who live together, are chilling or doing

our own thing. This is where the trouble started. Today, I was typing up one of them and my girlfriend saw that my ex-girlfriend was mentioned in the old diary entry. She's mentioned in a lot of them because we were dating at the time. She got angry and kept accusing me of thinking about my girlfriend like she thinks I'm reading these old diary entries fantasizing about my ex. I was miserable with her. She was super controlling and just, in general, treated me like garbage. I kept reassuring her that I really have no feelings for a girl I dated in 2013, but she won't listen and keeps telling me to fuck off anytime I get near her. Also, she mentioned that too many of my diary entries from that year are about her,

so I'm wondering if she's secretly reading them. She said that she caught a glance when one of the pages fell out of a binder, but now I'm starting to wonder if the real reason the pages fell out was because she'd been reading my diary, even though I specifically asked her not to. And even though I told her one of the controlling things I didn't like about my ex-girlfriend was that she would always read my diary, then get mad at me about the thoughts I had. Like that some friend of a friend was cute or whatever. You guys once said that cheating is

up to the person being cheated on to define. So, does my girlfriend have a case for saying that me typing up these old entries is kind of unfaithful? Should I just do me? Or am I a baddie? Love, Jagat. God!

I'm God! Oh my gosh. First of all, you're not a baddie, because that's not what that means. That's like a really attractive woman. Oh, that's what I see. Yeah. I didn't know that. I feel like if this is how you behave with a diary, and this girl hasn't broken up with you

then you should do whatever you can to lock it down oh because you think diaries are so lame that this girl diaries aren't lame but writing them in calligraphy scanning them and then transcribing them that's a lot of time for some real bullshit that's a lot of effort

I can just imagine this guy like Fifty Shades of Grey style being like let me show you something. And then taking her into this room full of binders saying, this is the transcript of my life, honey. It's way less hot than being domed. You're being emotionally domed.

That's why this is a perfect case for my new app, which is a microchip that you put in the back of your throat, surgically, that logs and captures every word you say electronically. So it's not really an app as much as it's a microchip in your throat. Yeah, it's wearable tech of sorts. Sure.

And then you can be like, you can use the app to search, have I ever said seesaw battlefield? And it'll be like, according to the archives, you've never said those two words together. Okay, that's kind of interesting. Until just now when you searched for them. Yeah. Have I ever said fell by the waist side? Is it wayside or waist side?

It's wayside. Wayside. I think it's wayside, but I don't know. It's definitely waist side. You don't need the app to know whether it's way or waste I need the app to know whether Amir said it what purpose

how is your life going to change if you know whether or not he says waste or wayside any little bit of knowledge touche I don't want this argument to fall by the waist side. Very good. So bad.

You could just make this an app on a phone, because you have your phone most of the time. Yeah, but I don't think... Do you really need it to be inside your throat? I think so, because then it would capture whispers, it would capture things that happen in the shower. Also, if it's... If the tech

is inside you, it's not wearable tech. It's scarable as heck. For the low, low price of invasive surgery. Elective or otherwise. For the low, low, low, low price of invasive surgery. It could be part of a LASIK thing. So they'll

laser it open and then put it there. Put her there. Put her there like in someone's hand. But it really is just a high-risk surgery. Do you feel like this is the diary that he's keeping? Is it a big enough waste of time that if he has forgotten to transcribe a sizable chunk, he should just not do it? Yeah, my question was, how old is he?

He's, let's say's say 23 a complete guess and what is he doing where he has enough time to be to transcribe everything i'm not trying to make it seems like now it's just an obsessive slash part-time job he's got some kind of weird compulsion yeah but i mean my real problem with it is like it's way too much time you're writing in calligraphy photographing and transcribing yeah just do one thing he's also taking aerial photos of him writing in calligraphy so he can make sweet little montages about certain days in his life dearest edna i write to you every night i mean yeah cross dissolve to i think of you fondly cross dissolve to forever yours I guess like you think...

Jaunt. He probably thinks of this as like, oh, this is like sleek, it's meticulous, it's archived, it's a great system. Yeah. something that he said or wrote, it would probably be more beneficial to have him just like flip through the pages than to, you know, have spent hours and hours transcribing is what I'm trying to say. My really low effort version of this is like taking photos of things that I think are interesting or that looked cool. But even then I put it on my computer and I never go back and look. Sure. So like, I don't know what the the heck those are like just photos that are like actually fun to look at i don't know what he's doing with these tomes of binders filled with paragraphs about things that happened to him that day

he's just i mean this isn't even his question so yeah we're picking on it for keeping a diary yeah but not not for keeping a diary for doing it this this hard yeah in volumes. I just think it's a little hubristic to be like, let me chronicle this for posterity. Future historians will want to know how I dealt with my ex. Especially in calligraphy. Yeah, why does he have to do it with a fucking quill? He's spending so much time on this. Why not spend this time fostering healthy communication with his girlfriend? Like right now i'm writing about my ex who i hated no i'm just

transcribing what i had written about the ex who i hated uh so specifically does this girlfriend have a case to be jealous um maybe she's annoyed at the diary and manifesting it as annoyed at the girlfriend because she can't be like, I hate your diary. I also think it's more justifiable to like let him be into it if he's writing about her or at least other things. So I don't know. I think she has a case. Whoa. You think she could be jealous?

That might be the hot take. She could be jealous. I mean, I think jealousy is born out of communication issues but i think that um well said so maybe maybe it depends on how he had this conversation with her because he says that he told her all these bad things about his ex but um and one and like has expressed to her in point like in black and white that it really bothered him when she read his diary and vice versa with her with the current girlfriend so she should respect that but he also shouldn't be chronicling his day-to-day life in binders. So I think that's my conclusion.

We'll call it a wash right now. Y'all are even. You're crazy. She's crazy. You deserve each other. Yeah, it's just too much time to be transcribing the diaries. You're fixating on the time. I know.

I know. It's a huge thing, though. I can't quit. I wish I knew how to quit you. It's just, it's just too much. You have to choose. Is it like cathartic for him to write the diary? It must be some weird compulsion. He must like to do it slash feel like he needs to do it because it's been so long at this point. But like, I, I, I maybe, oh, whatever. Fine. i think that the girl definitely read this diary yeah yeah she read the diary nobody likes to like read about your ex so she's

upset yeah i don't think this girl has a case to be mad at you about writing for about your ex girlfriend i think that's kind of i don't think so either but like also what you what you're digging your heels in on right now or like your right to write about your ex or your right to transcribe the calligraphy from three years ago. So just like drop it and do it in secret on your own time somewhere. Also, I'm looking to get some custom invitations made. So if you can send me some handwriting examples of this calligraphy, I'd love to take a look. What sort of felt tip pen are you using? The tasteful thickness of it all?

Is it serif, sans serif? What kind of flourishes are you adding? The tasteful thickness of it all. What's the invitation for? Oh, getting divorced. What a slap in the face. And I want you to be there for it I'm inviting everyone who's at the wedding

They deserve to see how the story ends To my lawyer's office Alright here's another question From another guy Do you have his name? From a guy? How old is he? You know

He didn't say The subject is sex noises I'm gonna say um top clef jean yeah top why clef's brother top clef it's i was thinking more of like a food network's branching out into music oh i see so top chef yeah as a music that's a cool idea. Top Clef might be a cool... Let's sew a name for this email, more my pitch. On what? For this music show.

Top Chef doing music. It's still hosted by... Why Clef? Sure. What about Girl Fieri as a Halloween costume? Gal Fieri? You spend costume? Gal Fieri? You spend the whole night just eating? So for Halloween, I went to Denny's and I got 30 moons over my hand.

Me dressed up as Gal Fieri. What did your buddies say? Who? So you went alone to Denny's. I have no friends. For I am Gal Fieri. All right. Topclef writes,

My brother and I currently live at home with our parents because our jobs don't pay either of us enough to move out on our own. It's a two-bedroom apartment with a loft. Before we moved into the apartment, my brother said that he wanted the loft to be his room and that I can have the second bedroom. The loft overlooks the living room and has no walls or doors. Recently, my brother started bringing home

his girlfriend over to spend nights and things have been getting a little uncomfortable. There have been several occasions when I have been woken up in the middle of the night by loud moans and groans of them having sex. My father usually sleeps on the couch. Go get it. Oh, what?

The couch, which is directly below their loft. And neither he nor my mother are heavy sleepers. I can only imagine what they've heard. Honestly, I don't care what my brother and this girl do in their private time, except this is not really private. I don't know why having my father sleep below in the living room isn't enough of a deterrent for him. It would be for me.

For them to be loud enough for me to hear them through a closed door is not only annoying and disruptive, but also shows a complete lack of respect for anyone in the apartment. So what should I do? Thanks, Top Clef. Dude's fucking jealous. He wants to fuck his brother. It's clear.

I mean... He wants to hook up. This guy's going through the loft life, brother. This is, this is like two parents. It's, it's a family living like the Rosenbergs

used to in New York. Which is three, three, just like four guys living, Dave's sleeping in a closet, somebody else sleeping in the loft, all of them fucking

paper thin. Everybody, everyone's door in that apartment was a sliding closet door. They brought ladies home and it's just like, I live in this pen. Yeah. We have to fuck here.

In this pile. Yeah. Except instead of Hank being in the room, it was, it's this person's dad. Yeah. So this guy who's living this hashtag loft life has probably convinced himself that his dad's asleep so that he can put that in the back of his mind enough to get off, even though he probably knows that people could hear. I was with the brother for a spell.

Because I'm like, you know, you're the brother. Because I thought it was two guys living, like two brothers, their parents paying for helping. Bachelor pad. Yeah. But with the whole family. First of all, no son of mine's going to get the loft over me. I'm only on the couch if my wife-to-be is pissed.

Daddy's getting the loft, brother. If I'm in the doghouse for having another beer with the boys instead of coming home again. Oh, shit, I forgot. It was our anniversary. Christ, Cheryl, it's 19. It's not a big one. I'm sleeping on the couch. I'm hearing my boy fucking give it to this girl.

There's a chance the dad likes it, right? Yeah. None of us are parents so we don't know the type of feeling we would have if our son was having sex and we could hear it. Are we a little bit proud? Yeah, this is what yes, all women is railing. People like us being like, all right, yeah, my boy, if he's railing

somebody out, good for him. But nobody better touch my fucking daughter. I didn't even mention daughter. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about a boy. Have you ever heard your brother had sex? I don't think I've heard him have sex, but maybe I have. Oh, wait. Yeah, I guess I have. Yeah. So when you were fucking him, he was being loud? That's actually, that's totally enough out of you, man. It was the same joke, man. I'm just fucking around with you guys. Well, it's not funny. It's actually sexual harassment joke man I'm just fucking around with you guys well it's not funny it's actually sexual harassment that I'm doing it or what I'm doing and we do have to take it you're the boss baby

we all crack open a beer I guess but like that's not bothering I've never been in a position where I was like hey I know that you're waking up mom and dad and also dad is sleeping out underneath your room ever been in a position where i was like hey i know that you're waking up mom and dad right also dad is sleeping out underneath your room i think it depends on if it's the older or younger brother i think if it's a younger brother you would say if it's an older brother it's kind of a

weirder position well the whole thing is weird the whole thing it's a frat house people are fucking in the loft yeah dad's sleeping on the sofa i guess i would say no no girlfriends in the loft when it's my parents are there yeah yeah are the parents visiting or do they all live they all live there will wonka style bad grandparents there too alternating head to toe in a bed glass elevator all inclusive and every time they step out of the house, they kind of somersault onto the ground and stand back up. Is that not a little fucked up that Charlie's grandpa only got out of bed

when Charlie got a golden ticket? He's earned it. He could fucking walk the entire time. He wasn't bedridden. Yeah, for my graduation, you weren't that excited, Grandpa Joe. You said you were too sick to walk. I'm so old and frail. We've been taking care of you in this fucking bed for years

and now I've got an opportunity to go meet Willy Wonka. Willy Wonka, he said. Jump out of bed. Let me get my britches. Sorry, Grandpa Joe, you're a little opportunistic and manipulative, aren't you? I'm starting to think you like candy more than you like me. Here, my boy. Quiet, Charlie.

Out of my way. I want a candy bar. He's got a golden ticket. Grandpa Joe says, I've got a golden ticket. Well, it's actually... And I haven't even decided who I want to take yet. There's four grandparents in here. I'm going to turn into a large blueberry.

No, you're not. I'm going to bring Grandma. Fuck! Oh, I'm so sick. This might be our last day together. You witch. This kid's got two options. Okay.

It's Uno. I think he trades rooms with the bro. He's like, hey, you know what? You should take the room with the door because you have a girlfriend.

You deserve privacy and everybody can hear you fucking her. So do that. You got the loft you deserve. The other one is he... Oh, God. So do that. You got the loft you deserve. The other one is he... Oh, God.

Ouch. To the X degree. Last night got the loft, but tonight I bounced back. The other one, he can move out. Yeah, but he can't financially afford it. I think if you aren't... If you're not in a financial position

to live on your own move out of your parents place you don't earn the right to fuck in an open loft to be in a sexual position yeah if you're making six figures

you can fuck in front of anyone if you're making six figures you can fuck on your mom on the couch while your dad's sleeping yeah exactly right

and it can be your mom that you're fucking he'll be watching his Roku TV and you're just fucking. What is that? It sounds sick. There's a little dick

coming out of your mouth when you do that. That's the sound of aliens. This is the sound of sex? Do it again. It is kind of. Oh, it's kind of slow though. Slower, so go a little slower.

That's a fucking... This is foul. It's a flush metronome. Have you ever had sex with a parental unit nearby? No. Pussy. You have? It was a disaster.

Describe it in grave detail. Oh, no. Oh, the detail should be graver still, young Jeffrey. Graver and graver until we're completely submerged in the grave. You don't have to tell us. Yeah, never mind, man. Legally. In fact, it was illegal of you

to ask. I had sex with my girlfriend's parents in the room. In the room? In the room! They were in the room where it happened. The room where it happened. The room where it happened. The dad where it happened. The room where it happened. The dad's putting on a fucking musical outside. I want to be in the room.

Why do you assume you're the only ones in the room? Was it a hotel? It was a motel. Oh, really? A Holiday Inn. It was... A Holiday Inn Express. No, it was in my studio apartment.

We hosted... You and your girlfriend fucking in your studio apartment. Your parents are in the studio? Her parents. I wouldn't dare. Even weirder that you invited her parents and they accepted. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's more affordable than a hotel.

I did also get a blowjob once in a hotel room that I was sharing with my mother by my girlfriend, not my mom. That was the gist of it. No further questions. Your mom's going to hear that. She probably knows. Now. She was wide awake. It was 2 p. Now. She was wide awake. It was 2 p.m.

Everyone was watching. When you're young, you do a lot of fucking crazy shit. Sorry, I feel like I'm being put on blast. I'm just being vulnerable in front of y'all. And Jeffrey's fucking said he's done this. And he's grilling me just as hard as you are, Mr. I never got laid. You would have if you had the opportunity. No, I wouldn't.

I would not have sex in front of my parents if I had the opportunity. It wasn't in front of them. That's not what happened, he said. They were out cold and it wasn't my parents. It was her parents. He said you got a blowjob with your mother. That's not fucking. It was within the same leased space.

It wasn't in front of them. I'm not trying to justify it. It wasn't in front of them. I'm not trying to justify it. It wasn't a goddamn sex show. Well, you don't know which way they were facing. It could have been in front of them. Exqueef? Did you orgasm? Exqueef me?

Did you orgasm? In which situation? The blowjob. Yes. If you must know. And that's the last question I'll answer on the subject. Of course. I'm mostly done.

Absolutely of jorts. Did we answer this guy's question? I still don't know if Jeffrey had sex with his parents in the room. No, absolutely not. You just saw the blast that I was put on and you're changing your tune. Yeah, absolutely. I'm singing a different tune. I guess what's the closest you've been to your parents is a question anybody can answer.

Yeah, and I don't want to. His question was, have you heard a sibling have sex? Yes. And then the other one was, what do I tell his brother to get away from this Shabazz Napier?

Actually, his only question is what should I do? How about we just answer what would you do if I were you? All right. I'm close enough to my brother where I could say, hey, I do? How about we just answer, what would you do if I were you? All right. I'm close enough to my brother where I could say, hey, we can all hear you. I can hear you fucking in my room, which means dad can right below you, which means probably

mom can because it's a very small apartment. Right. You're right. I would probably not tell my brothers, but maybe tell my parents. Asshole. What? You fucking narc. You would narc your brother.

You ass. I would assume my father can hear. It should come from him oh okay disagree what i i would i would fucking call a house meeting right at the time let's climax i would make it a fun game let's play who can hear chinese fire drill for the ages marcus i can only assume is his brother's name, you get the couch tomorrow, I fucking move into the loft, and Daddy-O gets the room. Can we

agree on that? And your girlfriend still gets the loft, Marcus. That's right. She'll be sleeping with Mother. The Fonz. Hey! You hit a jukebox, it just breaks. It really hurt your hand. Shards of glass. Oh, fuck. The really hurt your hand. It's shards of glass. Oh, fuck.

And the wrong song starts playing. Come in your life. Fly me to the poon. Nice. Let's take a break. I'm sad on the inside. We'll thank a few sponsors. And we'll be back with a few more Qs and As

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Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so

intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah.

How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right.

Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah.

Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch just use that coupon code segments to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain hell yeah so again you go to squarespace.com slash segments segments you save 10 off your first purchase and then use the coupon

code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace we have returned we hath returned jeff have you ever been to australia yeah really i've been to uh sydney really melbourne oh yeah been to uh what was that last one oh no yeah i regret doing my act um and my uh my sister's uh uh longtime boyfriend is actually from australia he He's an Adonis. Jesus. Really? Yeah, I think I've told you about him. You did. Yeah, he said he was an Adonis.

Yeah, Oxford graduate, Rhodes Scholar. Jesus. Sir Jack Fuller. Sir? Soon to be Sir. He's a knight? He's knighted? He's knighted in my eyes.

A Greek god. And eyes in my night. He once cycled from Sydney to Melbourne. You know how many miles that is? No. Neither do I, but it's very similar to San Francisco to Los Angeles. We couldn't drive it, I remember that. Because they do kilometers. Exactly right.

It's probably like 400 miles, right? Of course. And he was like on a fucking whim, too. He like woke up one day and was like, yeah, let's fucking drive. I'm gonna fucking do that. Oh, god damn. Can I see a picture of him? Oh, absolutely. Oh my god. My sister and him are a fucking power couple.

My sister works for Pan America. She's like, worked with Damn, can I see a picture of him? Oh, absolutely. Is he hot? Oh my God, my sister and him are a fucking power couple. Is your sister hot? My sister works for Pan America. She's like, worked with Hasan Minhaj, brought him over and like, and fucking... Do you think they had a Minhaj? That's the fourth time you've brought this shit. Fourth? Of course.

While you look that up up I should say that I brought it up because we're Jake and Eric going to Australia we're doing shows in Melbourne and Sydney with Streeter

on March 16th and March 18th tickets still available on if I reshow I might do that fucking biking thing the one where you bike from one to the other

if we have to be Melbourne I don't think because Melbourne is the 16th and then Sydney is the Saturday we have two days we have Sydney's on Saturday I don't think you can bike

200 miles in two days. So I could fucking whip it on a whim. Whip it good. Yeah, whip it real good. Devo style. You just get hit by a bus in Sydney? That would mean I made it. Oh.

I get hit by a bus on Sunday after the show. Unrelated. Peak physical condition. All right, we got a picture yet or not yet I absolutely oh god alright

they're all good I can't choose he's so hot we're also going to Austin Texas have you ever been to Austin Texas I've been

I've never been to Austin actually I've been to San Antonio and that's it oh yeah I had a film in the San Antonio Film Festival

how when I was this is 2012 I'm sorry. This guy kind of looks like me. Let me see. You asshole. He frankly does.

I'd like to, I can't see. It's too far away. It's just fun to me to hear that. My sister's a son of a bitch. I'm handing the phone to you. You won't even lean forward. Your hand is so frail. They both work in

New York right he works at BCG makes well I'm not gonna say how many he makes but you know six figures so you know

you compare those fucking power couples and then you look at me and I'm like yeah I'm trying to be funny and shit we pay you around $200,000 a year

yeah but that's like not the six figures that he makes yeah he makes close to seven yeah he's a sharp dude. Yeah, he does kind of look like Jake. He does. I'm sorry. This is the power couple.

And I mean, I graduated Oxford, but I wasn't a Rhodes Scholar. That's pretty tough. So you graduated Oxford? I went to Oxford, yeah, I graduated from Oxford. You graduate, so you have a degree from Oxford. A degree? That's what graduated means. Right. No, I graduated Oxford. I graduated Oxford. You're like missing a word, but me. Right. No, I graduated Oxford. I graduated Oxford.

You're like missing a word, but it didn't mean anything. I graduated Oxford. What does that mean? It's like I'm above that shit. Like I graduated the idea of going there. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a wordsmith. I graduated Oxford.

You're talking... I graduated that way of thinking. Do you know what I'm saying? You're talking the opposite of circles around us because we know exactly what's happening. It's a roadblock. You're very much so stagnant and we've kind of cornered you. I'm puddled.

You've talked yourself into a corner. You've puddled me. Indiana Jones style, just face melt. Only you don't make it under that dropping door. You've been crushed by the weight of logic. Can you imagine if in Raiders he the bolder bested him? I do like the idea of him sliding under the thing, reaching his hand back for the hat,

and then just put it fucking right. No! The hat wasn't that important. I could have just bought a new hat. Why did it have to be hats? Why did it have to be hats? Why did it have to be hats? We're going to Austin

as well. South by. March 11th. Absolutely south by. Saturday. It's not only our show, but a bunch of other HeadGum shows. If you're in Austin or you're in Australia, tickets still available. Don't delay. Just buy them now. Today. What's that? That's an alternative way of sex noises.

Oh, well you do that or I'll do that. Yeah. And then you, you do that, or I'll do that. Yeah, and then you do the squish. And then I'll do the guy's noise. Gah, gah, gah. Goo, goo, goo. Oops! It was an accident the whole time.

Holy shit. Or whatever, or the on-purpose way too you think there's an accident way and an on-purpose way yeah you can fall into or just do it for real how many times in your life have you felt fallen into love oh god not love into falling into love is always an accident folks wow can you explain what that means say more about that. I'm really curious as to what that means. I actually wrote my thesis on this. On what?

Wasn't it Oxford? What is that? It was at Oxford. I wrote my thesis at Oxford on this, on love. On Oxford Road. On the human condition. Okay. I don't want to hear more.

Let's answer another question. Makes a ton of sense. This one's called Velcro wallet. Oh, no. Do you have a Velcro wallet? excuse you absolutely I don't have a Velcro wallet I had a bifold then Jake upgraded me with the fucking card thing oh you have that little

just a card thing now I upgraded you? oh it's a billfold of sorts oh that's very very tasteful Shinola brand Quite nice Who's your leather guy?

Shinola Let's see if I can take a bite out of this It's sweet Yeah I got through it See that card's in my mouth Your gums are bleeding You better believe it You thought it was fruit leather

What is this card that you just gave me? Buy 9 sandwiches get 50% off your 10th. That's my punch card from the sandwich that we got earlier. That is a fucking bad deal. And how dare they? Is it worth 50% off the 10th? Give it to me for free. On a $10 sandwich.

Give it to me, babe. When did you buy this? I don't know, last fall. Good shit. It was definitely an autumnal purchase. I can't quite pin it down to the year. All right, Velcro wallet. Oh, what's this guy's name?

This guy's name is Clarence. All right. It's how you say it, not how you spell it. You spell it V-I-T. Clarence. It's pronounced Clarence, but I how you spell it. You spell it V-I-T. Clarence. It's pronounced Clarence, but I spell it like it. It is V. You got to say it like Jimmy Stewart from fucking...

You can't say Jimmy Stewart. Clarence. I did not know the movie. Yeah, no, it's A Wonderful Life. I said it first. Perfect. I'm not usually the type of person that cares too much about what people think about me. Judging by the subject of your email, we don't think so.

You've already emailed in, so you do very much. A little bit. But a recent predicament has really stopped me in my tracks, and I was wondering what your thoughts on this situation would be. I have this wallet that I've had since I was 14, which fastens with Velcro. I've really never thought too much about it. It's always just been my wallet. Recently, though, one of my friends was making fun of someone for having a

Velcro wallet, and I mentioned that I had one. All of my friends proceeded to make fun of it, and apparently this is something that the whole world agrees is weird-slash-childish. But up till this point, I just wasn't even aware of this perception. Like I said, I've never thought about it. It's just practical and I've never saw any reason to buy a new one.

So my question is, should I buy a new wallet to avoid mockery or would the true loser thing be to do something just because people made fun of me? It's not like they go on about it all day, but whenever I pull it out on a night, they all laugh at me. However, my fear is that if I buy a new one, they'll think it's even funnier than I did because they laughed. They did so just because they laughed at me, if that makes any sense to you. Dealer's choice. That makes a lot of sense to me. This is something I've experienced in this office. Yeah. The KeySmart. The KeySmart. so i bought online a key organizer called the key smart this is insane this is a free advertisement for fucking key smart kind of because i'm gonna come out against it yeah where the story goes so just so you guys know we're not getting

paid under the table that's right so it's basically with this little wrench key organizer so i have five keys instead of dangling about, I put them in this KeySmart. It puts them into this harmonica-sized metal holder. I bring it out. I bring it to the office. Instantly, everyone's making fun of me. First of all, I did not make fun of you. Okay, Marty and Whitney

made fun of me. Yes. They thought it was stupid. They thought I was dumb for buying it. Who buys stuff off Facebook advertisements? They thought it looked silly. They thought I was dumb for buying it. Who buys stuff off Facebook advertisements? They thought it looked silly. They thought it wasn't practical. Why don't I just get one of those key, what's it called? The carabiner things?

I think everyone has one. That thing. But I don't like that thing. That thing jingles and you have to fasten it to your belt. I'd rather just have a key chain of sorts that I can shove in my pocket when necessary. I like that it fastens to my belt. I'd rather just have a key chain of sorts that I can shove in my pocket when necessary.

I like that it fastens to my belt because I don't lose them. And I frankly like a jingle because I know they're there. Also, the way I do it is you clip it and then you like

slide it into your back pocket so you get the best of both girls. So you sit down, where does it go? Is it still in your pocket or do you take it out? The even best part, first of all, it's in your pocket.

Second of all, you can kind of slide it. So you're at, like, it's not actually under you. It's to the side of you. Yeah, it's, there's not really a jingle on this. Except when you take it out when you're walking around. Yeah, and we are, with this one, we are sponsored by it. It's Apple. I mean, I love these things.

Is it Apple-less? It is Apple-less. I got mine over on third. So, but now I'm in the situation where if I didn't have the KeySmart anymore, suddenly I'm opened up to even more mockery. Appalus indeed. You changed your attitude based on us mocking you.

It's kind of like this weird emotional chess where it's like, we'll make fun of you if you get it. We'll make fun of you even more if you change it. Yeah, I know what you did. You doubled down. You made the background of your phone a Key change it. I know what you did. You doubled down. You made the background of your phone a key smart. That's what I did. I said, I held so firmly my pride that I made the back of my phone a key smart.

I was thinking about getting everyone key smarts for gifts. I think you changed your phone number to 188-KEY-SMART. I did. Which is too many digits. Not even legal. So I'm getting calls a day i'm a sales rep if you take if you take away like the you know the the tug of war like you're like you're gonna make fun of me no i'm gonna make fun of me like that type of thing do you like the key smart yeah i mean i

like the key smart even with the tug of war that's why i got the key smart I think it changed my life for the better. Like I had a ton of keys, thick and otherwise. Thick and thin. And the key smart's the only thing that's with me thick and thin. Because I have five keys and when I put them in my pocket, they always like, they wouldn't fit Before you had loose keys in whichever pocket you so desired. Yeah, one in my shirt pocket, two in my shoes. This thing kept it organized, kept it flat, and makes it so that I can carry it conveniently. And best of all, it's three times as heavy as the keys. Well, it's not that heavy. And it's easier to find because it's green. I also think, I mean...

Do you have it on you right now? No, I left it on my desk. There's a bit of a difference because the KeySmart is a solution to a problem. And it basically acts as the same as what we have jake that's what it isn't like the velcro wallet everyone has a wallet they all serve the same purpose yeah and it is like um you know unless it's like givenchy or some shite where it's like god bless you like i think it is like it is looked upon as like kind of childish kind of youthful right but then can't you can't have had it since you're 14 this guy's had it since he was 14 that should be

reason enough to upgrade yeah and i think that it would be more of a personal development a step in his in growth than it would be coward like cowardice right but i can see his fear of like oh my god you change your wallet because we made fun of you then that opens up more making fun of that being said if he divorces that line of thinking, if he was going to get a new wallet anyway, although it would be kind of a fun fuck you to get a new Velcro wallet. Oh yeah, the Velcro was like,

kind of like coming undone. But present it like, hey guys, got a new wallet. And then they all start laughing like, yeah. Check it out, two strips. Double security. You could get a Velcro. I think like Herschel makes smaller, slicker, hipper Velcro wallets.

You could still get a Velcro wallet. Remember when your brother got that clutch? The male clutch? Oh man, I made fun of him so much for that. I can't even wear it, but does he hold it? He never, not anymore. A folio of sorts?

He did, I mean, it was, that was the craziest. I made fun of him so much, I was like, you have a purse, like,

and it's not even a convenient one, like, with a strap. You have a wallet that doesn't fit in your pocket. You have a clutch.

I was like, it's the dumbest thing in the world. Like, all of the things that you don't want to drop, now you have to hold outside of your pants. But it is fun. Why are you so angry about your brother getting this clutch?

I guess it's because I respect him in most regards. And then he made this one horrific misstep that I needed to correct so I could continue to be proud of him. Or is it like when he, is it like this weird thing where it's like, if he changes, then I'll feel like I helped him out in some way. Yeah. I mean, I guess that there's a little bit of that. I think it was, I was more tied to my pride of being like, my brother's a cool guy. And then I saw him do something that was uncool. Like this needs to be corrected quickly. Yeah.

Does this ever happen to you? Make fun of? Group mentality? Or on either side? My housemates, and this would be great to get your guys' opinion on this on the record. My housemates made fun of me for, I live with like seven people in this house, because I go to USC, fight on. University of South Carolina, you should say.

Yeah, go Gamecocks, baby. No, but I had like, I mean, I like to cook every now and then. And so one of the things I like to make are like really gourmet grilled cheeses, right? We're talking four cheese blend. We're looking at Gouda, Parmesan. Yeah, actually, I've never done Parmesan. But Gouda, Gruyere. Second cheese you're already lying. cheddar, and provolone mix. You know a Gouda with Parmesan is a nice kick.

Yeah. Real nice kick. Very nutty. You should toss in that Parmesan. Maybe I will. All right. Good stuff. And so I like to have softened butter.

So I would just put it out on a plate. And so it was just butter out in the open, which I feel like is a pretty normal thing in Italian kitchens and such. Not that I'm Italian. But they fucking razzed me. They chided my ass. They chastised me and castrated me. And baptized me.

And they fucking splashed me with holy water and it sizzled. The baptism by fire. And I was just like, this is a normal thing. I always grew up with a butter tray. They were just like, then get a butter thing I always grew up with a butter tray so I got they were just like then get a butter tray and I fucking got a butter tray

I absolutely caved what were they making fun of you for you just had the butter out on a plate yeah I mean I'm not gonna buy a butter tray

unless they fucking make fun of me which they did well if it's such an eyesore for you guys then I'll get a butter tray so they're like why did you leave

butter out on a plate? Yeah. And I'm like, because that's a normal thing to do because you need soft butter. Otherwise, you have to put it in the microwave. And they're like, yeah, just put it in the microwave. I'm like, no, because then it melts. And then the rest of it's still hard as ice. I'm like, what are you talking about, put it in the microwave?

I mean, they're right to get a butter tray. Yeah. I mean, aesthetically, to be sure. Yeah, but then once you got the butter tray where they're like, see, this is what you should do. Or they're like. No, they were like, it's still insane you have soft butter out. I'm like, what? I can't win with you guys.

I mean, I guess the question really is like, how much... Don't you want your friend's approval for stuff? Like, you do value their opinion. Yeah, but then sometimes it can get to the point where they... Like, sometimes it's true. Like, with your brother and his clutch, I can see that it's kind of objectively one way or another. Right.

Then there's some stuff where it's like, what if you fundamentally disagree? Like the key smart. The key smart, for an example, I prefer it. Or like the thing in my car to mount my phone. Oh, the iClever. Yeah, yeah. I mean, the theme here is that Marty makes fun of you for literally everything you do. Right, but sometimes I kind of agree

with it subconsciously, and sometimes I'm like, I think you're wrong, and I'm right. Yeah. I think in the end, and part of it was that it's in a shared kitchen space, so that's why I wanted to get it.

And it just looks, it does look better. So I wouldn't have gotten it if I didn't slightly... Jeff, this was five questions ago, the butter thing. You haven't let it go. Where are you putting the butter?

Margarine. On the cheese? Sorry? In the grilled cheese sandwich or on top? Have you ever made a grilled cheese? You butter the pan? You butter the bread. You butter the pan and the bread.

Do you butter the pan or just the... You butter the bread. I butter the bread. I pour a little bit of olive oil into the thing, and that creates a little bit of a disconnect between the bread and allows the cheese and heat to melt the cheese while toasting slower. Do you do a little garlic and salt and pepper in the olive oil as it's heating up? Very good.

Go fuck yourself. I love, garlic makes everything better. And you leave, you leave the garlic press? Excuse me, I'm talking to you. We do have a garlic press. Yes. Gifted to me by my lovely mother. Do you leave the butter out throughout the day or just during the meal?

Oh, I mean, it depends. I mean, it's just, if you get a new stick of butter, you put half of it on the butter out throughout the day or just during the meal? Oh, I mean, it depends. I mean, it's just if you get a new stick of butter, you put half of it on the butter tray. And then you just leave that butter tray out in the open? Of course. So all day, all night, the butter's outside? Outside, exactly right. That is interesting. I've never seen that.

You know what I might have done in your situation is just buy soft butter. Just move out. Because you can buy the tub of butter that's already soft. That also might be a good idea, but I like the natural shit. Yeah, yeah. I mean, your whole kitchen's a butter tray. Everything's good. Butter tray.

Let's call the episode there. This was a lot of fun. It was. Yeah, it was mostly fun. Yeah. Joke. The, uh... Oh, wait, i just got it

now i just got it and i hate it i didn't get it until now absolutely just die so for this because i feel like i didn't we didn't quite answer this but i think that you you always combine like a skepticism of like my friends are just razzing me but also with like you know your your knowledge of do i deserve it a little bit and this guy i think he does recognize like hey i do need a new wallet they're making fun of me because i need a new wallet maybe i should just get a new wallet when you came to me and you're like your bifold's too thick i was like first of all like really and i was actually this is maybe a learning point yeah because it was like it oh it is pretty thick.

And you showed me your little thing that's like thin as ice. And I'm like. You know how ice is bone thin. And bones are thin as ice. My bone structure is very frail. And I was like, that could be nice. And then I came across it when I was browsing in Silver Lake with my buddy Tucker. Classic Tucker. Tucker. And yeah with my buddy Tucker. Classic Tucker.

Tucker. And yeah, shout out Tucker. That fucker. Tucker was actually hit by an ambulance. How ironic is that? Exactly right. His name is Tucker Click. Really?

My friends came up with the name Fucker Clit. Nice. In very poor taste. Very much so. Not unlike the butter. They workshopped it for a calendar year. For a calendar beer. Nice.

Growing up, you just had butter out? Yeah, my mother always had butter out for toast and whatnot. It seems like with dairy, you have to refrigerate it. Okay. Is that not the case? I mean, you don't leave it out. I mean, the butter maybe lasts a few days. That's why you only do half the stick.

You're working your way through that butter, basically. Oh, yeah. Like, in a country kitchen, you're cooking with it a lot. You half the stick. You're working your way through that butter, basically. In a country kitchen, you're cooking with it a lot. You're making biscuits. You're making gravy. In a single family home in Cleveland, Ohio. Now on these gourmet grilled cheese, is it just the cheeses or do you ever put tomato in there? Do you ever put some bacon in there?

Let me tell you what I have done. French onion soup grilled cheese. So that's our time. Thank you so much for coming on. Now let me ask you about this, and I think it's a really interesting opportunity. Of course. Avocado. Not inside, because I know it's not good hot. You slice it up real nice, put it on the top.

Have I ever told you about my breakfast sandwiches? No. Brioche bun, toasted. Crushed avocado. Not stirred. With sprinkled on chopped onions right chopped onions what about red pepper flakes excuse you excuse you for having a good idea go on two eggs over easy smoked hickory hickory smoked bacon sriracha that's where you get your little red pepper sriracha sriracha Sri Ratra. Sri Ratra. Sri Ratra. Frank Siratra. Hot me to the pan.

Let me sink in. Now, that's over easy eggs. That's maybe a little underdone for my taste. Well, I do both sides. So it might be over easy. It's a fried egg. Fried egg. With the runny yolk.

Of course. So you take that first bite and just oozy yolk. Oozy, yeah. Hangover killer to be sure. Eggslut-esque, would you say? Don't they use all those ingredients? The thing about Eggslut is that it's not revolutionary. Eggslut is the name of a restaurant.

And it's not revolutionary. I changed the game. What did you change that Eggslut didn't have? Can I come over? I don't even care about the egg sandwich. I just want to prowl around with you and fucker Clay. Coming this fall, a new podcast. Jake, Jeff, and Fucker.

All right, we actually are out of time. Wouldn't you know, we went the full hour this time. That's going to happen. We had fun. Time flies. We're about to go climbing, right, Jeff? Absolutely. Get some V4s in.

That's what's up, man. And then drink a V8. What's that now? Never mind. I'm just going to have a hot tomato juice. I leave it out in a butter tray. Open it up. It comes out like the shining.

I watered down Campbell's tomato soup, and it's a drink for me. Lukewarm, room temp at most. If you have your own questions, your own theme songs, submissions, the email for everything is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Jeff, thanks for coming on the show. Do you have your own questions, your own theme songs, submissions, the email for everything is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Jeff, thanks for coming on the show. Do you have anything to plug?

I don't know. Yeah, I mean, thanks for having me, first of all. Yeah, just new HeadGum videos every Thursday. Heck yeah. If you go to USC

or in the USC area, I do improv every Friday at Ground Zero, 1030. That's a really offensive name for a venue, wouldn't you say? I was appalled when I...

Because I named it. I did look it up. The name came before the tragedy, but that doesn't excuse it. Change it. Change it at that point. So if you're in the area, just improv. And I have a

sketch on Funny or Die, the waterproof phone. Oh, there you have it. And don't we have a sketch in the Cleveland Film Festival. Oh, yeah. Yeah. This is insane. Linsay. Oh, actually, we're not supposed to announce it until March 3rd.

Oh, never mind. All right. Well, we'll leave it at that. What was I going to ask? Oh, yeah. Has anybody on campus ever been like, hey, you're Jeffrey the Dumbass? That's awesome, dude. Yeah, I actually, oh, shout out,

I think his name is Dominique. I'm just going to shout out the three people who've done it. I was back home in Cleveland and this guy came up to me at a burger place and it was the first time and that was pretty cool. Thanks for watching, Dominique. He said, Amir, you're his favorite, he said. Wow, really nice. Thanks, Dominique. And then he said, Jeff was number two, and I think that rounds out my top five.

Well, Dominique's a fucking girl's name, bro. Sorry, Dominique. He's 270 pounds, 6'4". Makes a lot of sense. And he's coming after me. He's actually a WWF superstar. Duh, just my dumb luck. And then, yeah, some people come up on campus in class once.

Really? Your professor? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Shouts David Weber. Professor. History class. Yeah. Let's take a break right now because that's awesome, dude.

If you have your own questions and theme songs, like I said before, email addresses ifireyoushow at gmail.com. We'll be back soon. Opening theme song was written by Davey this closing one it's pretty great but it's kind of long

so I kept it towards the end it's Kevin making a really nice long rap for us so thanks Kevin thanks Davey thanks Jake thanks Jeffrey

James in the house what's your Twitter handle? it's at don't play no James spelled exactly as you wouldn't think and then Instagram

is I am Jeffrey James and then jeffreyjames.com was taken dot com exactly as you wouldn't think. Instagram is IamJeffreyJames and then JeffreyJames.com was taken dot com. Dot net. Good site. Good man,

good feats, good eats. Have yourself a grilled cheese and listen to this. Later, guys. We should do a grilled cheese off here at the office. Oh, for sure.

I would fucking smoke that ass. Dude. With smoked ham. You have to have my favorite grilled cheese, white bread, a microwave, straight cheese wrapped. Alright let's go. Make your shit yourself, call them a laxative. You attracted them, call them magnative.

You want the war from them, call them Odin. I made the cosmos and we get going suck the deer tickle testicles loki are you playing hammock call them thor feel a spark call them zeus make you wet call them poseidon cause in your bed they'll be residing oh they call the shots i'll be a bullet you like my rhymes call me a poet they will make your motor run call them an oil change cause they're going down call them a poet. They will make your motor run. Call them an oil change. Cause they're going down. Call them a stock exchange. Oh, going up.

Call them an elevator. They'll be big, like the Burj Khalifa. So mean to them, I say, see you later, alligator. Motherfuckin' fightin' those fuckin' men. They're makin' hoes all over the bank. Takin' names. Call them the Yellow Page. This shit is hot.

Call me Inferno. This shit's the realest. This shit's antibiotic son ooh keep you healthy shit's staying symbiotic shit's embellished call it hypervolatile but first dear jake and amir i got a quandary of fear a quagmire on wheels and i'm tired excuse the pun but a damn good rhyme whoa here's the time gotta introduce these smooth moth fuckers there's jake proclaimed butt fucker dirty in the mouth i am. Kick you in the mouth with a fucking roller rink. I couldn't find a rhyme for pink that well,

so I hope you're a good roller skater, I guess, Jake. Oh, shit, gotta get it back into it. Next, there's a mirror back to the car. You gotta let him steer. Don't hand him a beer. Running this podcast not down to the ground, but up over cars. So famous they spit on neo-Nazis.

Yahtzee. Hot to the touch. Can we get lunch? Please, I'd straight pay for a brunch. We could become good friends. Kevin, G, and A. Three badass dudes running LA. Get back to me soon so I can save up money.

Your podcast is sweet like motherfucking honey. Sorry, God, I've tried for a little bit, but here comes the whistle. Whoop, there's a train starting this podcast with a fucking bang. Mom, I'm not trying. Mom, I'm not. I'm not trying. I'm not. That was a HeadGum Podcast.

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