Segments - 26: Tarot

Episode Date: April 29, 2024

In this episode Jake discusses his favorite show, then looks into Amir's future.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number, so you have to edit it out, okay?

Let's hear it. 0913662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in, but we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. too. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations, they swear! Second, another podcast. Second, each app different from the last. Second, it's the Swiss Army knife of shows.

Now let's meet your two emphatic hosts. Second. Yeah! The song amps me up, man I was implicated and involved In a daily fantasy Controversy Scandal? Scandal, a scandal of sorts

I was paying off a player To exit games early and he was uh telling me which games he would leave you were shohei ohtani's uh interpreter right yeah okay i remember so i was this translator from english to japanese to hebrew and he never used me he never used me. He never used me. But you did. You wired yourself large sums of cash. Four and a half million dollars. To the tune of 4.5 mil. To the bookie. Yeah. On the books. In his name.

To the bookie. Off the books, actually, I should say. Off the books. In the bookie. Over the table. Under the law. And then we are sort of funneling. Not unlike beer chugging.

Funnel to ass. You were butt chugging. I was beer chugging funneled butt chugging i was butt chugging so it went me to bookie to show hey yeah and uh yeah out the ass very but for now i'm assuming my alter ego as the host of segments a classic podcast. It's me and Jake, and every single episode is a little bit different. I just wanted to reiterate to people, because we haven't really gone over the premise in a while. Right. It is just new show every 10 to 15 minutes to 20. But yeah.

Yeah. We gear shift. We change it up. Yes, exactly. Exactly right. Do you know how to drive stick? I think, yeah. In a do or die situation, I could make the car go.

I learned in Iceland, whenever it was that we went to Iceland, was it 2012 or something like that? Something like that. That was the last. It was basically the first and last. I've done it twice. When we almost did the Ford Fiesta road trip. Do you remember? We picked up the car and it was a stick shift.

Yeah, it was branded content. They wanted us to drive from city to city doing meet slash tweet ups. This was sort of early days of Twitter. So we didn't really know how many people followed us and if they would show up but the most important part was that we shoot videos driving from city to city in the world's smallest car it's not the world's smallest car that wasn't its claim to fame right it was just uh that's just what it felt like when i was in there with

four people it wasn't we also did uh spawn con for fiat which actually is a really small car oh this is different because i remember dave having to drive the fiat which was a really yeah that was different but yeah dave just drove the fiat to boston we were i don't think we were in charge of driving we were like giving it away to somebody um and we took the train and he drove the fiat up because it was supposed to be at the show but but we like showed up and they're like it's it's a stick shift so i hope you guys can do that we're like we can't yeah we don't know i think there was like another influencer the car was like passing hands and it was like in a parking lot in long island we got on the train we went all the way out there to pick it up we got there and it was a stick shift like i can't drive this they never fucking told us the most important thing yeah i

hope you have the secret skill set it takes to drive this car as you pick it up today and jeff rosenberg knew how so he drove out there or he took the train out there we drove it back home to connecticut where i spent the weekend trying to learn to drive a stick shift and i kind of did but i was like i don't have enough we drove to north carolina so i was like i don't have it to drive to north carolina i have it to maybe go to vons yeah and then we'd rented a stick shift in iceland because it was a lot cheaper and jeff knew how to drive it and i just drove it every once in a while but i got good by the end so i was confident then i was confident then and i but i was driving in a downtown reykjavik i knew how but now i haven't done it since so i'm sure i'm i'm not good between

that and knowing how to change a tire i feel like there's a few car things i just don't know how to do yeah tire that one is that one's hard i definitely don't know how to do. Yeah, tire, that one is hard. I definitely don't know how. I came from a AAA family. It's don't try it yourself. Let an expert do it for you. Yeah, it's hard to imagine me being in a situation where I need to change a tire, but I don't just call someone. I'd have to be out there really, really far. I definitely have seen somebody change a tire. Have you been in a car that needed a tire change and you watched someone do it? Yeah. And it looks pretty simple when someone else who knows what they're doing is doing. Yeah. I would love to learn, I guess. But it's one of those things that I'd like to learn just

in case, but I still can't imagine a time, even if I knew, that I'd be like, I'll change this myself. Because someone else could always do it faster and better. And there's always the carjacking part, which seems like the really dangerous part, which is lifting a car with a crank. Right. And you're like, okay, I'm pretty sure it's up there, but one false move and I'm crushed to death. So it's not really worth me figuring it out. And I'm already paying for the AAA roadside assistance anyway. Be ashamed not to use it.

Honestly, it's really good to never know how to change a tire. Yeah, because then you'll... It's a waste of time to change a tire or to even learn how to. To even learn how to do it is a waste. If you don't have a driver, what are you doing? I don't know how to talk. I have an interpreter. Yeah.

And he tells everything for me. Exactly. Okay. First segment idea I had was something I feel a little left out about. Everyone in the company is talking about this television show. Yeah. And I don't ever know what you guys are talking about. I feel left out. So this segment is called Sell Me This Pen. Oh, good. All right. But the pen is the idea of this show you guys are watching so sell me on this idea

of the show slash pen okay uh the show is the traitors uh it is on peacock and it is a show you already have peacock hey you can use my login yeah it's got peacock bud i rocket moneyed it away um well you remember to watch a football game six months ago and haven't re-upped since exactly um you remember your brush with um mafia right yeah when i was accused of trying to ruin the game. Yes, exactly. I thought playing the game well, operating on a hunch. So Traders is very similar to Mafia. The rules are there are, I think it's like 10, whatever it is, 10, 12 people in a castle. Reality show stars. Yeah. So not always.

I think there are like different seasons and different, there's like an Australia Traders and there's a US Traders where it was like regular people but mixed with some reality stars. Is it Traders like I'm trading or Traders like Benedict Arnold? Yeah, double crossing, backstabbing. So the premise is Alan Cumming, you know him? Yeah, people said I used to look like him. Oh, amazing. Yeah, he's an incredible, incredible host. It's insanely campy. He's always wearing amazing outfits and amazing makeup.

He's like going so over the top. But you've got 12 people in this house. I'm just going to say it's 12. The first night, two of them are chosen to be the traitors it's in in mafia it's akin to being uh the the killer what is it yeah yeah yeah um except it's so it's basically mafia but it's happening in real time so okay all 10 of these reality stars 12 of them you see them interchangeably now go to sleep for the night, but actually go to sleep. You know, not like in Mafia where everyone shuts their eyes.

They all go to bed. The two traitors meet each other for the first time, and they decide who to murder. Or as Alan Cummings says, murder. Got it. Yeah. So it's actually their meeting. They're not just lifting their heads up while everyone looks down right exactly they meet in a different part of the castle and they decide who to eliminate from the game by killing them okay um the person they murder gets a letter uh they leave the castle

immediately the next morning at breakfast everyone walks in the door except for the person they murdered this is the traitors yeah yeah the traitors are among them in this game it's called the traitors and the faithful um and do they do the voting and say these people should leave and you killed your own or you killed the mafia right exactly so they're they're kind of like you know suspecting people they're like going off in groups and talking about who they think it could be but then also during the day they're competing in these challenges for immunity physical challenges yes you can find a shield and be immune uh to that night's um murder it's like mafia meets survivor yeah and then like

you could you're also winning money in these challenges to go into the overall pot. So I think by the end it was like about almost $200,000 that they were competing for. And it's entertaining because the people are entertaining or it's just fun to see them try to kill people off that they're either right or not? I think it's entertaining because, you know, just like any reality show, you start to root for certain people. I particularly like this season because there were no like – you know like some of these reality shows, there's a sob story. You're like, oh, this person's mom is sick. They're trying to get money for their family. And it's like, oh, man, now I have to like root for them. I'll do it really bad if they lose.

This one, everyone's a reality star, so you kind of hate everybody just baseline. So, like, if somebody gets voted off, you're like, oh, that's fine. They're also not, like, dead broke. They're just in the reality show circuit. Do you have favorites or least favorites? People? Yes. And it did shift as the show was going.

Like, sometimes you feel bad. Basically, I feel like you're always rooting for the underdog but uh there's two p i didn't know anybody going into this show except for ct and trichelle from real world which maybe you know as well because you were watching real world back in the day do you remember these guys is they from like seattle or hawaii or something i feel like i only watched a few seasons ct is from real world paris i believe and trichelle is from real world vegas oh um ct i think is the most compelling person on tv in the last decade he's like he's so fucking good uh yeah he he's incredible. So yeah, and then every single night they're debating who the traitors are.

They're voting them off and then getting a reveal if they were traitors or faithful. What if they get them in two and it's like we have this whole show of 10 episodes. How do they fill the time? That is exactly. They cheese the game a little bit. So like after I think after two nights, they still hadn't gotten any traders, but the traders are allowed to recruit one more. So then there's three.

And then I think one of them or two of them got eliminated. There was one more. And then the person was able to recruit another. So basically anytime you're down to like one, they can recruit somebody. And then by the end, there's one final roundtable. And then there's a ceremony where everyone that's left in the game is allowed to basically vote until they believe everyone standing there is a faithful. And if they're all faithful, they win.

And if there's even one traitor, that traitor wins. Wow. Okay. So this is like the grand finale the grand finale and yeah go ahead uh i'm gonna show you somebody tell me if you know this person ready okay um i'm screen sharing oh yeah bergie yeah okay so Oh, yeah. Bergie. Yeah? Okay. So, remember when you won the cameo game? Yeah. So, this is a cameo from Bergie to you. No fucking way. Yeah. Oh, my God.

What is he going to say to me? Bergalicious? You've got to be kidding me. He better be fucking nice. Tell me if you can see and hear it as i hit what is it what is what do you know about this guy by the way um he really came into his own on the show he came in um everybody was kind of like oh bergie is is weak he's a follower um he doesn't really know how to play these games we're gonna walk

all over him um and then he but he made some really strong alliances he uh won one of the challenges it really helped out with one of the challenges like led everybody it was the cemetery challenge um and yeah he was like a fan favorite he's just a good boy. All right. I bet he's going to say something really mean to me now. This is a cameo. I got you. From Bergie. Let's see. If you guys are watching on YouTube, you can watch along.

If not, you can hear along. Okay. Let's go, Jake. What is up? It's Bergie from Love Island Season 5 and The Traitor Season 2. And I got this cameo request from Amir because Amir lost a bet. So that freaking sucks, Amir. Jake, congratulations on winning that bet.

I'm supposed to give you a pep talk. It's just for fun. And you guys are just friends. Anyways, Amir told me I lost a bet to Jake. And now I owe him a cameo from his favorite reality star bergie who else and i'm sorry this kind of took so long to get to you but i've been like traveling in florida and i just got to chicago i'm in my hotel room doing absolutely amazing i did a meet and greet last night and i'm completely hung over but we are doing some cameos jake and amir we got. We're doing them. I hope you guys are having a fantastic day.

But I'm here to tell you, Jake. How are there two more minutes? There are two more minutes to this cameo. Dungeons and Dragons podcast and being a new father. I think the amazing thing there is being a new father. That is such an exciting time in your life. He doesn't care about D&D, huh? The full potential.

I'm super excited to be a father one day. Obviously, I do not want a kid right now. I'd be freaking out. But when I'm ready, I'm super excited to be a father one day. Obviously, I do not want a kid right now. I'd be freaking out. But when I'm ready, I'm super excited. And so Jakealicious, keep being that amazing father. Be Jakealicious to your child. I don't know what your child's name is, but be the best Jakealicious you can be

and raise them right, do whatever you need. I'm having fun on this pep talk, so let's keep it going. I just want to say thank you for being a fan, Jake and Amir, allowing me to be your favorite reality TV star out of all the reality tv stars especially if you watch traitors like those are like people on television for 20 years i was just on television for three months and then went to scotland for a month and then you know i'm only relevant for four months i don't know how much longer this is gonna last but i enjoyed every

moment and jake that's what i would give to you enjoy every moment you never know when things can end it can end abruptly it can end uh over time but just enjoy the ride enjoy being a father enjoy being a new father keep working that dungeon and dragons podcast that sounds awesome i never played dungeon and dragons but my brother did all the time in high school. And after graduating, I'm like, you need to meet with your friends. And I have no idea how to play Dungeons & Dragons, but I definitely should get into it. Yeah, I think he talks about, like, Boulder's Gate 3, too.

Like, my brother's, like, an awesome nerd in that area, but that's not my cup of tea. But, like, I could definitely see myself getting into it, especially as I'm getting older. You know, like, I'm not doing college football anymore anymore and i have a lot of other options out there so maybe i'll have to give you dungeon and dragons podcast a listen to uh but anyways jake keep being jakealicious thank you for letting me be your favorite reality tv star at the moment um but keep on watching tv yes i'm just kidding keep enjoying doing what you're doing enjoy the ride and that's my message to you in this pep talk. So let's go, Jake. Amazing. Amazing.

I really thought he was going to insult me. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. That delighted me. That was a great cameo ad. Just you loving every second. It's true. That was a high effort cameo. Two and a half minutes. It's true. That was a high effort cameo. Two and a half minutes.

Really good stuff. So I wanted to get you a cameo from somebody you loved. And I looked at like sports players from like the Yankees and Red Sox. And they charged like thousands of dollars. And then I remembered the show. So I asked Allie and Katie who of these people would be good. And they both recommended Bergie. Yeah, Bergie's reallygie yeah and then they're like

also make sure she he calls you jakealicious that's why he like remembered halfway through and then just kept saying it that's so funny yeah he definitely was hung over great pep talk meant a lot to me it actually really meant a lot to me i can't wait to show that to jill i think he was just reading a script, really. It wasn't like that. It wasn't a script. It was off the cuff. He said to keep going with the D&D podcast, and that's really cool to hear.

Were you considering that? I was going to pack it up. I was going to call it quits. Fergie gave me the strength to keep on going. Hell, I was going to run away from the family, but he was impressed that I was a dad, so I guess I'll keep on doing it. I like how he's like, my brother's into all that nerdy shit. I guess I should give it a try too. Yeah. He's like, oh, that nerdy. He's an awesome nerd. Awesome nerd. Because this is a pep talk. You're an awesome nerd. You're not just a nerd. He kind of looks like you a little bit he's got like the same hair and

facial features i could see that um i enjoyed that the pep talk included kind of like uh a nod to to death and decay enjoy it because you know it could end abruptly or it could end over time yeah man knocking on his hotel you said i can stay past noon. I did a late checkout. Doing like reality show junkets in Florida and Chicago. Yeah, God, living the dream. All right. That was a good intro to the show and a good intro to Bergie and a good intro to Cameo, really.

Yeah, check it out, man. Good segment. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments.

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Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point exactly eons it feels like yes so you know how easy it is to use

their simple intuitive drag and drop design technology yes yes yes easy to create easy to sell easy to promote square space is my all-in-one first stop one stop shop yeah it's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and

some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z.

And not where you think. And it Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments.

Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Funny. And we're back. Yo. All right.

Next segment. You were thinking we should do some Mad Loops. That's right. I was looking up different road trip games, trying to remember what I used to play as a kid. Because it involves fun ways to pass the time that are not super visual aka perfect for podcasting and i remember how much me and my family loved mad libs we um we would we would play these i mean even just like at home at night like when we weren't on trips this was just like all-american family fun yeah yeah it's very like 1960s before television we had to write silly stories to pass the time yeah exactly actually

can we do the game where we just look for out-of-state license plates and punch each other that one did come up as well yeah we can also do yeah punch buggy yeah that's pretty good yeah hold up not california yeah all california just three cars parked in front of their house all right okay let's do the other one all right uh so the way it works obviously is i wrote a short story um with some keywords uh missing and you're going to fill them in nice really nice yeah well i do need an adjective that's the first so this one's about your dick come on man come on sorry yeah let's just try to keep it pc let's just let's do yeah dick dick let's have fun within... Huh? No, let's... Dick-like. Yeah.

Dick-like, that's not... Penile or whatever. Penile? It's like senile, but... Over-relating to... Yeah. Is that... The shaft.

I don't even know if that's... I guess that is an adjective. Right, right, right. Okay, fine. All right, great. It's in there. Really trying to have just a nice, wholesome fun here. I need another adjective.

Okay. Penile is the first one? Yeah. Penile is in there. Locked. Quick. Quick. Quick.

That's good. Q-U-I-K-K. Okay. Quick. Give me, not quick, give me a noun. A noun. Give me, not quite. Give me a noun. A noun. Give me, give me,

give me a noun after midnight. Uh, how about something fucking wacky as hell? Yeah. That's the idea of Mad Libs, but you know, don't make it too wacky. Like a table.

Let's keep it within reason. Table's pretty good. Yeah. Actually, a table's not that funny. Now that I think about it. How about a slice of ham which would actually be really i need two so do you want to do table and slice of ham or do you

want to do yeah all right let's do slice of ham and a taser right and i actually did just see a nevada plate so okay so wait so we Okay. So we're not doing table. We're doing slice of ham and taser. And a taser. All right. Got it. Taser. And I need another adjective.

Slick. Huh? Slick. No, adjective. You said quick last time yeah lick is a lick is a verb real flick oh slick flick slick that you get all right uh a. Give me a profession. A pussy doctor. No, but like in actuality, let's do something normal. Pussy doctor is fine. Really? It's going to work.

I think they have a name. Yeah. An OBGYN. Yeah. Give me a body part. Or like a researcher. Oh, body part could be funny. Yeah, it could be.

Just go on with a body part. Like a wet shoulder. Wet shoulder. That's an adjective too. Yeah, but like a really greasy shoulder basically. Yeah. Something real. Flick.

All right. Oh, verb. Give me a verb. To great. Great. G-R-A-T-E. Unless you're calling that verb great. No,'s good um great great is good yeah like grating parmesan or something uh another profession yeah yeah i was gonna say grating a wet shoulder or something yeah you don't get to write the story you just say the words

imagine if a ham did it give me me a profession. Give me a profession. I will. Okay. You already said pussy doctor. It's so. Internet explorer. What's so hard about that? That's actually really good.

Not just an explorer, an internet explorer. Okay. A browser. A place. A porn house like a fucking living room that they do porn in okay um give me a year no how about fucking 280 all right good imagine a year so close to zero it's give me a noun david all right great we're done it's a proper noun a real proper okay so that was story yeah next segment the end you just read them back to me

the story is called slice of ham taser chalet shoulder table there is a coy jew devil man named amir blumenfeld with the tiniest little penile dick you've ever seen. Yeah, right. It doesn't even make sense. He thinks his dick is quick, but it is small and gray. Not really. Well, if I knew that that's what this was about, I would have said, huge cock. You had no way.

You had no way. You had no way. His net worth is dwindling. His assets are nay and void. I didn't say any of that. That was entirely written by you. The only thing he has going for him is his slice of ham. Let me do bank account. And some would say his taser isn't that slick but the truth is that he

is a small gray penis loser that has no prospects for the future sorry to tell it like it is i didn't say any of that none of that was a blank amir used to be more of a pussy doctor, but now he is a full on has been loser with a minuscule gray dick and a gray wet shoulder to match. If you see Amir on the street, I would grate the other way. I don't know if gray dicks are contagious, but I doubt Amir was born with one and he must have caught it from someone. Perhaps it was the internet explorer who he slept with in a porn house back in the summer of 2 AD.

That would make sense, actually. In conclusion, Amir sucks and you can't convince me otherwise david a lot of that negative stuff was baked into the fabric of the story there was no there was no not going to the great dick there was no not saying look the other way it was all bad some of it was gonna happen for sure yes exactly they weren't variabled in there by me that's fair although it is funny that i called my penis penile at a yeah we're both just making the same kinds of jokes right a gray wet shoulder to match is pretty good too

and that's what you used to do with your family just sort of make fun of each other like that well when we played with the family we'd all go around in a circle. So I would only usually get one to two words in per story. Yeah. And I always used to get the adverbs. Yeah, they would often be ass, fart, penis, et cetera. And I was 25. I have two more stories.

Do you want to do more? Let's do one more. All right. All right. So give give me this one will be lightning round watch how fast i can do it uh number eight see yeah uh give me a food um fucking um a cheese like this is like kind of putting me on the number give me a number four the nine and a half okay okay uh body part elb oh now i'm like starting to get nervous because it might be about my great still pretty fast no normal looking dick uh Verb to Josh.

Like to Josh somebody. All right. Like if this one's about a small dick, I don't necessarily have that. I'm Joshing or something like that. Yeah. Noun. Let's do normal guy. Or good guy, actually.

Okay. Funny guy. Give me another noun. A cool dude. Who gets play. You're adding adjectives. And like when he goes to a bar. That's enough.

I've had cool dudes who gets play, but there's nothing more. Place. Islamabad. Islamabad. Islamabad. Islamabad. Got to give me another place. Denver. Okay.

Just have to fill that in. Plural noun. Visors. Perfect. Amir Blumenfeld is eight years old, but he looks to be almost 1,000. He is gaunt, wayfish, and doesn't have a good diet, mostly subsisting on cheese. He hasn't had sex in 49.5 years, but if he did, it would be bad sex to have because he is so frail that the pumping motion would cause his

elbow to turn to dust i fear that if he had an orgasm he would josh his funny guy amir should probably abstain from the cool guy funny is that should probably abstain even from kissing because his lips don't seem to get very good blood flow they are often chapped and on the verge of falling off onto his cool dude who gets play i wonder why amir doesn't just go off to islamabad and live in solitude perhaps it is because he is broke and couldn't afford to live in denver let alone islamabad i would give him the money if I thought he would use it to go away but he would probably just spend it on visors

the loser the end the end slash carrot yeah they can be fun they can be a lot of fun to have this would also be a good Jake and Amir. I'm surprised we haven't done Mad Libs yet.

That's true. That's true. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties,

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Okay. We are back. And I thought you might enjoy a tarot reading done by yours truly. Are you certified or? I found an online tarot card thing this morning. Of course. In a way. And I am a spiritual guy. So I often find meaning in events, people.

Have you ever done tarot? Yes. Yes, I have. My mother did a tarot reading for me when I was 11. I was given the death card. And it is what it sounds like. No, yeah, I have done tarot before. My mom did do tarot readings when we were kids,

and I also did one kind of recently when Jeff and his girlfriend came over. She did one for us. So you get it. Okay. So, yeah, I get it. So let's first of all choose one of these avenues. I think you should let me, let's pick between a love reading, past, present, and future, or the week ahead. Got to do the week ahead.

Yeah. Okay. That one sounds more practical. Yeah. Okay. And it is a practicum. All right. So let's shuffle the card.

We're shuffling now. We're sh the card. We're shuffling now. We're shuffling. We're shuffling. That's the key to a good tarot, I think, is the shuffle. It has to be random. It has to be random. It has to be me. These cards are shuffled, and we are about to draw.

So you can see my cursor. Tell me. Oh, we're going to draw seven cards here. Okay. Yeah, that one just looks good this one yeah or is it that one yeah just do seven in a row from there really doesn't matter yeah okay that's really interesting i mean if it was a true shuffle, which I trust it to be. Yeah.

It has to be seven in a row. Okay. It's tower inverted. I see. So this is really interesting. Your first card in the one slot is the page. The page of cups. That's also a bad list. Excuse me.

Excuse me. The page of cups. The page of Gubs. The page of Gubs. Two unrelated things. A messenger, creativity, humor, and possibilities. Creative possibilities abound. Explore new ideas and new dimensions of ourselves. Now new options open everywhere, including spiritually, also a message from far away. How interesting is that

then, excuse me, that we are number one, trying a new option spiritually on our comedy podcast, humorously trying something new, i.e. tarot, a message from far away. Oh, I wonder where I am, New York City. I wonder where you are, Los Angeles. This is a modern message. This is Zoom. This is the internet. We are going across continent, transcontinental connection here. Okay. That's very interesting and very apropos. I think we can both admit that we are grounded here in a reality where we are both believing wholeheartedly in tarot and the power of these cards and now that you're on board why don't we move on to the second card excuse me sorry all your browser all your bookmarks are porn they're really distracting there's different keyword searches smut zines that you're trying to write yeah it's your writings fanfic smut here

the six of pentacles is your sex card your next card uh the six of pentacles generosity charity giving prosperity and sharing wealth assistance comes from generosity and selfless action a kind soul a desire to be fair in dealings, a conscious knowledge that roles could be reversed. What does this mean to you? It doesn't. It doesn't mean anything. Really? Because this is happening today.

It says Tuesday. We're recording on a Tuesday. You better figure out what it means and fast. Number under two because there's seven days in the week jackass so yesterday was monday kind of interesting that all that stuff was telling me something that already happened that's not the future it was what was the week ahead ideally we started this yesterday ideally we started this yesterday um tuesday look the page of cups the page of cups is that that was eons ago the table of corn this is the six of pentacles this is fair dealings you have to okay fine don't say fine

what are you dealing with today what's on the rest of what's what is the next what is the first thing you're doing after this zoom is probably eating lunch okay and are you splitting lunch with somebody are you going to try to offer less at the lunch counter are you trying to wheel and deal here somehow i'm gonna try to barter for a sandwich i'm gonna go to wax paper and say i don't have my credit card on me can i exchange a joke or an ad read on the show? A desire to be fair in dealings. For an eye of glass. Yeah. Really

great sandwich. Alright, well that's today. So be on the lookout for dealing fair and true. Okay. Now this is very fascinating. Wednesday, this is tomorrow. This is imminent. This is the night of pentacles inverted by the way which is actually a pretty big deal in the tarot world that you can actually

take this to mean the opposite motherfucker routine conservatism a methodical approach and diligence a hard worker unwavering dedication to detail and to getting the job done you're done delayed gratification now the diligent person, excuse me, who works consistently towards a goal, responsibility, and in the inverted meaning, yes, exactly, to be stuck in the daily grind, to feel trapped by a routine or restrictive approach, a sense of impatience, a rigid person or perfectionist, almost like you've had enough of this tarot reading, like you are so steadfast and not believing this to be true that you're had almost like you've had enough of this tarot reading like you are so steadfast and not believing this to be true that you're not gonna change now that's rigidness

yeah now that's brutal bud you don't think this is anything yeah they're all so vague and you won't believe but that's actually that's that's you feeling stuck in your daily grind you're immovable you are being a knight of pentacles inverted at this very moment okay okay shall we move to thursday then yes yes and if we can do a friday too let's wrap it up the page of wands now that's a big fucking deal that's a bfd i'd rather see that on a friday but that's enthusiasm exploration discovery and free spirit okay enthusiasm for new ideas is indicated in desire and a desire to embark upon adventures

of discovery creative solutions are born yearning for freedom and travel let's talk about this you have any travel coming up uh yeah i mean i'm going to new york in may that's kind of interesting i bet you're going to be booking some yearning by any chance freedom travel are you excited to come here we'll be planning your honeymoon anytime soon is Yeah, maybe. I don't know. Okay. Well, I can appreciate that you're not that enthusiastic today because, again, it is Tuesday, and you're only feeling the six of pentacles, and you're trying to be just in your dealing, so you're being even-handed with me and not trying to tip your hand which i do appreciate but you just wait till thursday and you're gonna feel bonnie bonnie and and and mary i'll tell you i'll tell you why than bonnie fly than bonnie yes indeed okay as well yet style let's move on top and start crying. Oh, no. No, no, no, no. This is bad.

This is really bad. No, this is great. The magician. No, inverted. I think you're just holding it backwards. Flip it upside down. Well, I'm not doing anything. That's the tarot deck. That's God herself.

That's mastery, skill, concentration, and resourcefulness. Don't make me do the opposites. The skill may be there, but execution and follow through are weak. Okay? That's what it's saying. The tarot and I agree that you're kind of a low-key piece of shit, lazy ass wannabe poser. Yes, the tarot read my mad libs and it agrees. Overconfidence or carelessness may actually lead to sloppiness, Blumenfeld.

So you better get your head out of your ass a failure to leverage one's best skills what happens on friday let's talk about what you're doing on friday because you are gonna have to you're gonna have to buckle down you're gonna have to book yeah i think we're doing like um an office tour for people who are in town for a podcast festival on friday oh all right so you i can see you kind of being lackadaisical about that you've got your overconfidence this is your office this is your network oh come on in it's cool it's casual but actually you have to dial in and you have to impress people you have to be on your toes and you have to be going at 100

i don't think so that's that magician pulling a trick on you you have to be going at 110 okay don't take your don't take a sip of coffee while i'm speaking to you do not do that again it's like how do you care it's like i'm boring you or something and you need you need a sweet distraction it's like you don't believe tarot is fucking real and you're trying to you you ask me what i'm doing and you back into the explanation i didn't say the the friday tour thing yeah yeah well i asked i have to ask you what's going on so we can apply the tarot it's not like i'm i'm i'm saying what you have to be aware of and then you're

telling me what you're doing and i'm saying oh well this is what the tarot might say in that given situation i can have a half-ass this i can have a sip see now you're now you're hung up on this one weird thing that i said like like when i didn't want you to drink i'm actually the page of cups so i'm allowed to do whatever the fuck i want with this thing yeah yeah yeah let's you are i see that you're trying to bargain with me because it is tuesday yeah on a tuesday look at you with your dealing with me i see that you're trying you're negotiating just like the card saturday saturday saturday is the queen of wands bitch yes and it is inverted exactly everything's inverted i think you're holding your computer

upside down social adeptness and determination wow and the inverted reaming meaning excuse me you got me saying it the inverted reaming is socializing and connections come easily, but they may not be the true source of power. Do you understand that? Stick a wand up your ass. True power comes from within. An introverted time for an extrovert. That means nothing. Now, well, you might make a connection, don't you think, at this Friday tour.

And you might think that that connection came easy, that you were social and that you made a new friend. But remember, that friendship, this access that you might get from handshaking the right guy. Oh, you're in marketing at Apple. Oh, you're on the buying side at Spotify. Do you do ad placement for AG1? Let's get coffee. Let's keep this conversation going. Yeah, you know, I like basketball too. Why don't we go to a game sometime? You think that that relationship is the source of power, but you are mistaken. I wish you would remember

what you might learn from the Six of Pentacles on a Tuesday and be a little more just with your dealings and a little more generous and not so opportunistic because the true source of power i'm not he's about to die you have to let me go the true source of power comes from within it comes from within fine now let's go to sunday let's go to sunday yeah that is inverted and it is the tower everything's's been inverted. We're talking about chaos, upheaval, sudden change, and yes, revelation. Yes. Fine. This is a time of internal transformation and change, creative destruction, opportunity from chaos. Okay?

Also, put aside ego and superficiality and be honest with oneself. Now, what does that mean to you? What are you doing on Sunday? Are you playing basketball? Are you getting brunch with anybody? Probably. My microphone died, by the way. We're on to just the video audio at this point.

So, yeah, I am playing basketball. Go with that. Do you not even realize? Didn't see that coming, did you? Well, no, I actually did because that's chaotic. That is upheaval and that is sudden change, a.k.a. the tower, a.k.a. your Sunday, a.k.a. inverted. But I see an opportunity with this chaos. Do you not?

I do not. It's that we get to end the show. Yeah. it's that we get to end the show yeah and that is the power of tarot namaste that will be another cameo from Bergie that will cost you

I did not do that for free I did not read your card for free that's Bergalicious there was a few other people on the traders maybe I could save them for a rainy day I did not read your card for free. I don't want to do that. That's burgalicious. There was a few other people on the traders. Maybe I could save them for a rainy day. CT, that would be huge. That's all I want in my life.

Also, John would be pretty amazing. All right, that's it. That's our episode. I'm definitely out of time. You guys are probably out of time. Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching, if you are. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And you can watch more of us over at patreon.com slash JA.

We've only been doing it for five or six years now. So there's a lot of content behind that page, paywall. That's correct. That's correct. And until then, we'll see you next week.

Bye, everybody. Later. That was a Hiddem Original.