Segments - 26: The Richest Man

Episode Date: October 7, 2013

In this episode we discuss periods, police and... Shakespeare? This episode is brought to you by NatureBox -- All natural food, delivered to you. Check out naturebox.com and use coupon code "ifiwereyou" for 50% off your first box! Click here: http://bit.ly/1fJcW58 See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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So trust me, i trust in you listen to my dope and bye you seize the cheese. You trust me. I trust you. I love it so much because it sounds like his voice should be singing some kind of cool love ballad. He's like, seize the cheese. Seize the cheese. What does it sound like?

Dave Matthews? It's like Dave Matthews meets Stained. The greatest band in the history of time. Oh, man. His voice is great. It's like really deep. Do you remember the guy's name? Oh, no, I don't.

Me neither. Let me check right now. Trenton Eliopoulos. There it is. And you guys, he made a really funny or weird video. I don't think he wanted it to be funny or weird. What do you think he wanted it to be? I think he wanted it to be sincere and good.

He threw a banana off a roof, I think. Isn't that... That's the definition of comedy, I think. Wait, it's on YouTube. It's called... Seize the Cheese If I Were You, Jake and Amir theme song. There you go. Search it. You trust me.

I trusted you. Oh, yeah, I trusted you. Seize the cheese. What song does it remind you of? Oh, man. When we were at Rec Room yesterday, Brian was like, it reminds me of Stained i don't when we were at rec room yesterday uh brian was like it reminds me of stained what's a stained song uh i'm on the outside i'm looking in it reminds me of uh god what's that sort of like a creed song too or incubate it's so much better when everyone is in.

Are you in? What song is that? It's Incubus. You loved Incubus, didn't you? As much as I loved Stained and whatever, Creed. I really think his voice sounds kind of like Scott's. I think it's Scott Stapp. What's a Creed song?

Can you take me higher? You trusted me. To a place where blind men see. Seize the cheese. Everyone stopped listening. This is a mashup, I think. This episode is a goddamn mashup. I feel a mashup of myself. Oh, we should say that this is a mashup, I think. This episode is a goddamn mashup. I feel a mashup of myself.

Oh, we should say that this is a best of episode, so we're just going to play questions that we've already heard before. Do you think we'll ever do that? God, I hope. I hope we hate our fans that much that we'll do that. No, they do that on Car Talk sometimes. Where it's like, hey, let's take a look at this one. This one was our favorite.

Yeah, they usually host it. Well, the one that I heard was like um on mother's day and their mother had passed away but like sweet she had like called in a couple times over like the jeez i don't know how long that's still cheating they should have done an all new episode dick well it's like how my least favorite simpsons episodes were just clip shows oh my god i remember that that was the worst i think they did one a season, which is one every 24 episodes. And this is episode 24. Is that true? So this should be a clip show.

And now it will be. Remember this guy who found a bird in a box? I still want to do that thing where we call people who have taken our advice. Right, and see how it goes. So if you followed our advice, if you wrote in, got on the show, and followed our advice right and see how it goes so if you if you like uh if you followed our advice if you wrote in got on the show and followed our advice email us again and like uh i would love we want to talk to you on the podcast and find out how it went what happened and then like update everybody uh i think it'd be really fun yeah we've answered probably over 100 questions by now yeah

that's another thing they did on Car Talk. This show, I want it to be exactly like Car Talk on NPR. They'd call somebody up and be like, oh, yeah, we told you your carburetor was messed up, and you took it to the shop, and what happened? They're like, yep, it wasn't that. And they're like, oh, no. Only on our version, it's like, hey, we told you not to get tested for herpes, and you're going to Chick without protection.

Hey, whatever happened with that? Sorry, no, this is Rob's mom he's dead oh no oops we're suing you all right hang up hang up because then it won't count in court of law all right next question that is not good logic it It counts. It all counts. In a court of law. This is If I Were You. The only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Jake.

And I'm Amir. And yeah, I don't know. I know you know, right? I'm at a loss. I really am. No, now we have to do the podcast. I really am stumped. Really? Yeah, I know we script out. I really am. Now we have to do the podcast. I really am stumped. Really?

Yeah. I know we scripted out this entire episode beforehand, and I sort of forgot what my line is at this point. No, you're reading it. Oh, yeah. What my line is at this point. You're reading it right now. Okay.

So here I am. Yeah. Okay. So anyway, the way the podcast works is we accept your emails of people who are in little desperate times or desperate places, and they resort to Desperate Measures, a.k.a. emailing us. Desperate Measures and Desperate Faces. That's another name of this podcast is Desperate Measures. Yeah, it's true.

You think DesperateMeasures.com is taken? Desperate Leasures. It's vacations that you really desperately need. Oh, or Desperate Pleasures. That's definitely a porn site, right? Yeah, probably. Desperatepleasures.com. I guess anybody going to a porn site is desperate for pleasure.

Otherwise, you wouldn't be going to a porn site. Yep. So these people email us in with their sticky situations, as we call them, and we do our best to advise them out of their terrible places. And that email is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. We try to read, no, we do read every single one, and we try to filter down the ones that we love the most and want to answer the most on this podcast, and that's usually four or five per episode.

So let's get started. All right. We're going to give you guys a fake name to go along with your real email so don't worry nobody will know that it's you for example this one comes from someone that i'll call mcbeth mcbeth what do you think the theme of today's episode is um i don't know some disney shit i haven't seen hercules or Mulan in a minute, so I don't know if you're referencing that shit. The last Disney animation I saw was The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

And that was a little too gay to keep going, so I don't know if Macbeth ended up being a dude on that. All right. Hey, guys. I'm from England, and I'm... Excuse you. I cleared my throat away from the microphone. Yeah, but it picked up, actually.

It really did. If anything, this is a bigger interruption of what you're doing right now. Hey, guys. I'm from England, and I'm kind of rich and went to a private school. I'm about to start university, and I haven't really socialized with many poor people before and I'm worried I'll be awkward. Will people expect me to buy the drinks

and stuff like that? Please help a brother out. Cheers, Macbeth. So you, how rich is this guy that he doesn't know how to act around a person who's, I don't know, I'm worried that I won't be able to act around a normal or something. A poor. This does sound like a Disney cartoon. I consider everyone a peasant. To me, I'm a prince and they're a pauper and I don't know if I speak their language. I'm afraid I'll turn my nose up and throw change at some of these people on campus.

For fear that I'll mistake them for a homeless pauper, I will throw a doubloon at them. Also, he said kind of rich, but it sounds like he's the richest person in the world. Much like Macbeth was in Macbeth. Oh, interesting. And he had a bit of a tragic downfall, didn't he? I don't know if Macbeth was actually rich. I don't even know if Macbeth was from England. Wasn't he the king of something else? I mean, I can't know if Macbeth was actually rich I don't even know if Macbeth was from England Wasn't he the king of something else? I mean, I can't remember now Damn it

I should have looked it up so I can appear as though I knew it all along So you can appear smart Are you okay? Excuse you My phone just went off How is that fair? UJ cleared his throat and it was uh a bit of a distraction and i my phone's gone off and it's borderline ruined the show it's weird because

my phone i think my phone has never gone off during a podcast uh recording but then i think wait a minute i haven't received a phone call in probably three weeks you got a phone call? Yeah, I got a phone call. Who was it from? My friend Josh. Huh. Yeah. That's shit. Damn it. I think I have to call back. Yeah, I haven't heard from Josh in a goddamn year.

Josh? No. No, impossible. That's just me listening to the voicemail. All right. So this guy, another funny line from this guy's email is that he's worried he'll be awkward. But when you're worried about this being a possibility, you probably will be very awkward. Yeah.

I can't imagine how rich he is or looks that he thinks it's good. Are you walking around, are you wearing a king's robe and a crown? It's going to be fine. King of Denmark, that's where Macbeth is from from is that true yeah all right cool let people know i didn't look that up especially if i'm wrong yeah well everyone if they look it up now they'll be like oh wow amir i didn't look it up dead wrong or it's just the top google result and then everything else below it is something different well here's a question if he is rich, more noticeably rich, and he does buy people drinks, do you think that's a good thing or a bad thing? Do you want to blend in and not come off as the rich dude? Yeah, I mean, who cares?

Well, in college, everyone's poor. Right, that's what you think. Or everyone's at least a little well off because they're at a college and college is expensive. Yeah. Or at the very least, their parents give them enough money to survive so when you're at college everyone's parents are rich and every student's poor right i know although there are a bunch of uh students that don't get any money from their parents right no i'm just kidding there's i mean there's a huge uh variation some people are rich and some people are poor just like the real world that happened in college it sort of prepares you for that yeah i mean i don't know just don't shake their hands you don't want any of their poverty stricken diseases to creep up on you who knows

what they have i can't imagine how sheltered this guy's life is he's like i'm very worried about poor people well he's richy rich yeah are you are you Richie Rich? Or are you Pory Poor? I hope you lose all your money in college and then Scrooge McDuck. I need space in my dorm for my giant gold coin collection. My chest of coins. So at home I have a diving board where I dive into coins. Do I get that at college? Is that the gym? How will I know if my roommate will

bring the coin chest or if I should? I'd like to do backstroke through my billion dollars in coins. But I'm afraid it might come off weird to the poor. That's a really weird cartoon where Scrooge McDuck

just would swim in his money. Yeah, it's not very likable. You're supposed to make your main character likable. Right. But he was very likable. Scrooge? No, he wasn't. For an old rich bastard.

Right, he was tough on the outside, but he was a good guy deep down. Yeah, he really was. He still swam through gold in front of many, many poor people. Yeah, you're not allowed to have just a huge safe of gold. I feel like every episode of DuckTales, Scrooge got his money stolen. Just put it in a goddamn bank, Scrooge. No, I really like swimming in it. I know, but put half of the coins in a bank and make like a coin jacuzzi can i at least you can't have a coin waiting pool yeah i really want to be able

to dive into the coins you can dive into coins that are much it's a very deep pool yeah make it six feet as your financial advisor i have i'd like to uh i appreciate what you're saying here thank you and i really think that you should put half of it on me. What I do want to do is be able to do a high dive into all of my coins. How about we give you bills? No. Gold coins. The bills might actually feel nicer.

They're at least softer when you dive into them. Breaks his neck. That was a college humor video. Oh, wait. He breaks his neck on the coins. Yeah, that's right Alright so in conclusion Treat them as you would a normal

You you you you You bum Yeah Jesus You bum They're poor of money but you're poor of Poor of heart Maybe he has a point Sometimes people without money

Treat rich people differently Fuck off man Don't they? Sometimes people without money treat rich people differently. Fuck off, man. Don't they? No, they don't, actually. And I'm really offended that you even bring that up. As a millionaire myself, I don't appreciate that. I treat you different. In fact, I'll give you $1,000 right now to shut your mouth.

He threw money at me. Here, here, take this. Paper cut in my eye. Take this ass. Ass. He's making it rain. Alrighty-roo. Next question.

Yeah. Have people ever thrown coins up in the air and said, I'm making it hail? Oh. Dude, you need to get back on twitter man i mean that's legit 50 rt 50 fave you really shit right there it really is you mean that shit yeah i'm gonna make it hail quote attribute the quote to a guy throwing coins at a strip club i'll give it to you no i don't really want it you tweet it i don't do 50 rts all right i'm a triple digit motherfucker he's throwing money at

me again all right all right all right all right hey now ladies yeah now ladies this question comes from someone who asked what's cooler than being cool huh ice cold yeah ice cold all right next question all right here it is it's from we'll call her lady mcbeth still any ideas about the theme of today's characters no it's not from is it from brave some dickens shit i haven't read that since high school all right lady mcbeth writes basically i'm having a hard time with time management and life balance i work a full-time job all day i'm studying to become a professional engineer with time management and life balance. I work a full-time job all day, am studying to become a professional engineer in the evenings,

and try to maintain a relationship with my boyfriend and keep up with my hobby as a rock climber. Work hours are getting longer, which means my time to study is getting shorter. And with all this stress, I've been fighting with my boyfriend, who is being generally unsupportive and unhelpful, and I've had less time to climb, which is my stress outlet. My question is, how do I do me while continuing to seize the cheese?

Isn't that everybody's life question? Yeah. How do I do me while continuing to seize the cheese? The trick is seizing the cheese becoming your job. Yeah. Right now she's trying to seize the cheese on the side. Right. You've got to seize the cheese on the side Right You gotta seize the cheese

Full time every day If you wake up every morning And you think of your job as seizing the cheese If you aren't like I gotta go to work I gotta deal with my boyfriend Then I'm gonna seize the cheese There's not enough time to actually have the cheese be seized

This is you in 20 years Being a motivational speaker After I die Nobody knows what the fuck I'm talking about This is me in a retirement home Sitting alone in a wheelchair But in 20 years being a motivational speaker. After I die. Nobody knows what the fuck I'm talking about. This is me in a retirement home sitting alone in a wheelchair. But in two years. Yelling at elderly people. I'm in a mental hospital.

Padded walls. I'm in a street jacket. The trick to see is in the cheese. It's okay, Jake. It's okay. Here's your shot. No! No!

No! No! No! See the cheese. shot no no no no my life is gonna be hashtag dope can you imagine having shit being taken care of for you like that you know some people have been tweeting at me um that i'm a beast in that regard i think that's gonna be my new catchphrase. Seizing the cheese. How do you become a beast in that regard? Great question. Seizing the cheese.

Well, this is how I view her problem. I already forgot the question. Yeah, she has work. She has school. She has her boyfriend, who's generally unsupportive, and she has her stress relief, which is rock climbing. Right. So I imagine her time is a pie chart.

Yeah. A big chunk of it is school. A big chunk of it is work. A big chunk of it is work a big chunk of it is her boyfriend which is uh unsupportive and unhelpful and then a big chunk a small smaller chunk is the rock climbing right sounds like the one you got want to get rid of is the one that's uh generally unsupportive and unhelpful yeah isn't that the easier one my advice to you is to reread the email and see it try to see it as clearly as we do. What else could we possibly tell you to stop?

Work you have to do because that gives you money. Yeah, studying to become an engineer, okay, that's good. You know what you're working towards is a job where you'll seize the cheese every single day. That's right. And so we're left with two things, one which you describe as a stress relief and one which you describe as generally unsupportive and unhelpful. Right. Has a mountain ever been unsupportive or unhelpful? When you send it? No. Yeah. You know what? You send that shit. So, yeah. Can you imagine if we were like, give up climbing? Yeah. So, we want your life to be

a perpetual cycle of school, work, unsupportive, unhelpful at night. And you just repeat that until you die. So do something hard all day. Yeah. Stress out all day. And then you can go home and sort of feel like you're untaken care of. So shake that bottle of two liter soda all day. And then when you come home, instead of squeezing the cap open, just have your boyfriend shake it up some more go to bed at night even more stressed out and then uh begin that process over and over until you die yeah rock climbing's tough don't do that yeah who wants a stress relief when you can have a stress period period that's funny like she should have her she's probably on her period hey uh, chick, we appreciate that you think your boyfriend's unsupportive and unhelpful,

but have you checked the monthly calendar? And maybe it's that time of the month for you. Odds are you're not on the mend. You're on the rag. Anytime I've ever been accused of being a jerk, I swear to God I think that chick's on her period or some shit. If not her period, then like the days before it. Because like a lot of it can like manifest.

So there's like a 10 day. Every four weeks, there's two weeks where my chick is just like ragging it. Yeah, dude. She's ragging it so hard. She really is. She's just PMSing and shit. And she'll admit it, but like not in the moment. She'll be like, stop bringing it up.

Don't say that it was because of that. So sometimes I'll be being a dick, and my girlfriend will call me out on it. I'm like, oh, you're PMSing. She's like, no, I'm not on my period. I'm like, well, you're probably thinking about some time. Oh, my period's coming up, so I'm in a shit mood, even though it's nothing that I did. That happens. Yeah, yeah.

And then I'll pay her some cash i'll give her a freaking like uh like a purse or some shit from chanel and they'll fucking get over in a goddamn heart yo girls love gucci girls love chanel girls love girls love fendai girls love fendai and prada okay you gotta understand and if they don't love that shit if a girl doesn't like a Prada purse, then she's on the rag. If a girl doesn't like a Prada purse. I give a girl a Prada purse. I say, here's your tampon holder, babe. We have to stop.

I feel like if anybody started listening in the middle of that and didn't realize that we were being assholes on purpose, they'd be like, I feel like you could show that part of the podcast to some asshole dudes. We'd just love it. They'd be like, yes! Every Tucker Max fan. Well, that's our way of appealing to everyone. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we act as though these people,

so they don't realize that we're making fun of them. They love it, and then we're also appealing to people who don't like those people. Or everyone hates us because people who don't like those people are like these guys think they're being funny but that's actually a sexist bit and then people who uh who are actually sexist are like these guys are making fun of us next thing you know uh-oh we have no listeners holy shit i would consider wait, yeah, where were we?

Get rid of your boyfriend. Yeah. That way you won't need to rock climb as much because he won't be as stressed out. You'll get rid of more time than you need. Or you won't have to worry about, like, maintaining your relationship. You'll just be climbing. You love climbing. I love climbing, yeah.

But you haven't done it in so long. I know, because I broke my goddamn foot. And how does it feel now? To be perfectly honest, it still hurts. So I haven't been running or climbing, which are two things I like to do. But I also hated being on crutches in that rolling scooter so much that I'm afraid to go back to the doctor. You'd rather live the rest of your life like this

than to spend six more weeks on a rolling scooter. I'd rather just wait until it gets a little more unbearable and go see the doctor and ask if something's wrong, which is what I did originally when I broke my foot. I waited for February, March, April, May. I waited for three full months to go get x-rayed. And you were walking on a broken calcaneus heel bone. Yeah, I had a calcaneus fracture.

And I was just walking on it. I basically got it to heal as much as it ever possibly would without a surgery. No, without just like, you know, getting off it completely. And then I was like, oh, it still hurts. I don't know what to do. I went to the doctor. He's like, it's broken. It's fractured. I'm like, oh, it still hurts. I don't know what to do. I went to the doctor. He's like, it's broken. It's fractured.

I'm like, oh. Anyway, use this wheelchair for the next six weeks when you're in England and Iceland. No. Meanwhile, you had just spent three months at home anyway doing nothing. Yeah, because I couldn't really walk. But I would just try. Oh, whatever. Fuck me.

I suck. Let's go. Let's get one last question in before our break. This one comes from McDuff. Oh. Simpsons. Duffman. McDuffman says a lot of things.

What the fuck? I came back from a two-month holiday in New Zealand to find a dead owl carcass in my bedroom floor. I have still not attempted to move it. It has created a pungent stench that ought my house. I guess he means throughout my house. My friends think I should get it taxidermy to display in my living room. Is it morally right to stuff a dead animal? Thanks, guys.

It's definitely hygienically wrong to leave one on your floor. This guy's from Scotland, which is, now that I think about it, maybe where Macbeth is actually from. Or Macduff. I don't know. There's something thematically relevant. Either way, it's not morally wrong to stuff anything other than a dead animal. A dead animal is the only thing that it's right to morally stuff.

And chicks. Just get a freaking chick head like over my mantle that's not what i meant what did you mean never mind uh is it morally wrong is that a thing that uh people who are really into animal rights are against i think what the animal is dead i can't imagine it being a problem i feel like you're if you're against like animal like hurting animals whatever it's like you're people hunt animals and then have them stuffed or mounted. So they're probably against that whole thing. Yeah, but if an owl died of natural causes.

If you come across a dead owl, I can't imagine anyone has a problem with slicing the back of its rib cage open, peeling it open like a book and then putting in some sort of gauze until its torso is so stuffed full of that cotton that it's plastered in that petrified dead state. Being a taxidermy guy must be like... A taxidermist? A taxidermist, is that what it is? Yeah. Yeah, that must be a really hard job. Because I imagine it smells bad.

I imagine it's kind of disgusting. And then also you have to like, be sure to seal up everything just to make it's like the animal never smells bad. Yeah. That's hard. I bet every job that except for ours is hard. Right? Yeah.

Like any real job. No, it's probably easy to be like a toll booth operator. No, but then you, what you're dealing with is the, uh ennui of being so bored on a day-to-day basis that you can't imagine where one day ends and another begins it's just so monotonous that uh your life a professional golfer that's easy oh yeah that one's tight yeah i'd be down to do that if this podcast shit ever falls through i'd be down that rich guy from question one is listening. He's like, what's a job?

What's a golf? I only play polo and cash. I hunt man. The most dangerous game of all. Yeah, I mean, I think you can stuff it. Be kind of cool. At least get it out of your room, you fucking weirdo. I just love that there was a dead owl carcass.

God, how did that happen? Yeah. Maybe owls want to go inside to die. That's beautiful. Yeah. We spend all our lives inside, and I'd love to be outside when I die. Yeah, an owl is just like, I want to be close to something. Exactly.

For the first time in my goddamn life, I'd like to feel warmth, and I'd like to be safe. I'm like an owl in that regard. I'm nocturnal. I can't sleep at night. Yeah. I would rather die in this guy's bedroom than live outside of it. Yep. I'm a lone owl, if you will.

And I'm always asking myself, who am I? Who? Who am I? Who? Who will I love? Who's going to love me? Who? Who?

Who? Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who let the dogs out?

Who? You turned so quickly there. Yeah. Suicidal to Baja, man. Isn't that weird? And he's back. I can turn on a dime, but I can't get one. I can turn on the dime, and I can never look back.

You know? That's why I'm fucking psycho. I'm liable to go psycho. Oh, Michael, take your pick. All right. Break time. Let me stretch it out. Let me stretch it out.

You guys can't tell, but Amir is pantsless bent over, touching his toes. I really wish I weren't seeing this. I'm doing nude calisthenics. Stretching it out. We should talk about how I do every podcast in the complete buff. Yeah, complete buff. Because Amir, what you have to understand is that he drapes all of his clothes around his apartment so the sound doesn't bounce off. So I have nothing really to wear at this point.

Every day is my laundry day. I wanted to talk during the break about how you got pulled over twice in a span of 24 hours. Yeah, this weekend was the Woodstock Comedy Festival, this past weekend. College Humor had a show there. Josh Rubin, I mean, he helped put it on. It's his hometown. Yeah. And Woodstock is great.

It's like this very cute small town yeah it's like this awesome hippie town where like a lot of people went there in 1969 for the festival and never left yeah and now they still talk about it yeah it's cool um but it's really funky it's in the catskills beautiful town um and you almost got arrested twice yeah well three times actually if you consider the first day where the cops trailed the back of your truck and never pulled you over. Right. So I guess let's start there. I drove my truck up.

Yeah. First day, day one, we're taking like joy rides around the back roads because it's just, it's beautiful. Perfect day. It was blasting music. And like there were four people in the back of my truck. Which isn't safe. No, it's illegal. You you can't it's clicker ticket

you know you need to get out of seat belts so we went to this amazing reservoir came back we're we had like we had like a two mile stretch on sort of this main route where the speed limit was 55 so i was like doing 55 with people in the back of my truck even the back of the truck you mean like the bed of it the bed yeah yeah just People not allowed to be there. Cop starts trailing me. I'm like, oh, I'm getting pulled over, right? You were in the back of the truck, and you're like, do you have to pull over? I was like, his lights aren't on. I don't know.

I don't know what to do here. So I just kept on going exactly 55, the exact speed limit. Took a left off the route, and he just kept on going. How? He was just taunting and teasing you. How am I that lucky? But that was just the the pre-log to what was gonna happen later that night right so um so then that night maybe that

gave us the power to try it again right i just felt so brazen felt like no one could touch me you were invincible so the next night we um no that night that night oh yeah that night after the show we'd been i um we celebrated. There was a VIP after party. I should just say after party, not VIP. Fuck me. There was an after party. For very important people. For me.

There was an after party for everyone who did the show. And we got some champagne. There was socializing, hanging out. Then we're planning on going to a bar, like a local dive bar. Vinny is from the town over, and he was taking us there. I had you in my truck, Shawbuck in my truck. Maybe I shouldn't name drop people. But those people weren't breaking the law.

And then there were two people who will remain nameless, but one of them is Rosie. I will call them Macbeth and Lady Macbeth. In the back of the bed of the truck again. So we're driving there, going down these back streets. Within two minutes. Sirens. I'm getting pulled over. Like, oh, fuck.

Because I also had a glass of champagne. You're not supposed to drive uh under any any circumstances like that yes i mean um so anyway the cop comes up he's like what's going on like two people just in the back of the truck like you know they're not allowed to be there right like i know yeah uh do you know why i pulled you over fuck there's a million reasons uh which one do you want so the car that ahead of us uh that vinnie was driving comes back they get the two people out of the bed of the truck and they didn't get tickets they didn't get tickets i mean i'm gonna get their tickets oh uh so right i mean maybe they get tickets and i get tickets but whatever so then he asked me if i'd been drinking told me my like

my license plate light is out yeah asked me if i I was drinking. I was like, yeah, I had a glass of champagne, but I'm good to drive. He's like, I swear to God, man. I don't understand. You've been drinking, man. He's like, get out of the truck. Got out. Took a field sobriety test. By this point, two other cop cars.

This is the second time this year that I've been in fucking trouble with the police. The Iceland thing. It's only when you leave New York do you get accosted by policemen. So three cop cars, three cops, all giving me... I'm getting a sobriety test to a goddamn audience because the other car is still there. Oh, no, they just left. And me and Mike are in the car. Mike's sort of freaking out because he thinks he might get arrested for driving while while intoxicated and I'm just laughing taking photos you're taking so many pictures

so I take the sobriety test I have to touch the tip of a pen follow the pen with my eyes without moving my head I had to stand on one leg and count to uh I just count one missus or one one thousand two to 1000 until he told me to stop. I heard that because the back window was open. So I look, I look outside and you're just like counting to 20. I'm like, wow,

it really is like they do in the movies. Yeah. And then I had to walk the straight line, nine paces, pivot, turn nine paces back. And, uh,

I mean, I'm not trying to brag, but I nailed it. Yeah, I really fucking really nailed it. You're like stood on one. I don't, I'm not even sure I could do that right it. Yeah, I really did. I fucking really nailed it. You like stood on one leg. I'm not even sure I could do that right now. It's a count of 21,000 on one foot. And then, but at the end, he made me blow into the tube.

Which is what you call when he asks you to suck his dick. Yeah. Which, I mean, I can't fake that, right? And now to get off, you have to blow my tube. Tell you what, do you want me to blow the breathalyzer or you, officer? It's very clear what you're asking for. The cuffs are on. Hey, hey, oh, kinky, I like that.

Put me on my knees, officer. Ooh, arrest me, sir. Oh, you want to do it in the back of the cop car. Hey, okay. You getting in too? Sir, are we role playing? Is this Road Dome? Because there's a goddamn gate here.

Hey! I'm trying to suck your dick, man. You're going to arrest me? You're going to make it really hard on me. What about you? You're a male prostitute, I think. I'm suing you. This guy's drunker than I've ever been drunk with power fight the power you fucking bully uh so then i blew into the tube

and it came back that i had had something to drink which i was honest about um but he so he was like go back into the into the truck uh and then at some point i mean i like the whole time i'd been like friendly a little bit jokey self-deprecating that i was stupid for like you know doing everything i had been doing right and i also like they knew that we were in town for the festival so he comes back and he's like so um i should be giving you all kinds of tickets i have your car towed but uh my partner here likes you so so get out of here it's like what zero tickets nothing untouched and didn't the partner say so what do you guys do for college humor yeah yeah he did and uh i was just like this is amazing spin around, go back to meet everybody in a parking lot,

blasting Jay-Z's 99 Problems. Just felt like we really took advantage of them. Yeah. So thank you so much, Officer Jones of the Woodstock Police, for letting us off. Jake was hammered, and you just let him. As promised, here's your shout-out on the podcast for your son. So we got off.

Everybody is just like, how does that happen to you? Because everyone's kind of happy that they don't have to deal with bailing me out of jail. But everyone's also a little bit mad because you get away with everything, don't you? You shouldn't have done that. This is just coming off the heels of your STD exam being clean. Yeah, so then I like making jokes all the next day like yo bad shit doesn't happen to me like i'd be nervous but like i don't know man um i like everything works out for me i'm a beast in that regard uh sam rice texted me it was like

his um his wife elaine texted him and said nothing bad happens to jake herwitz is a good name for a Nickelodeon show. And my novel. Because the next night we got in trouble with the police yet again. Yeah. We were trespassing, blasting music. On a bridge. On a bridge, on a reservoir. Having a dance party.

Yeah. Me and Amir and our two friends just pulled over on a bridge, trespassing, blasting Santeria. They must have thought they pulled over like four 16-year-olds. Hey, all right, you little kids. Oh, Jesus, you guys are 30. I think I feel bad for you. You're already in some kind of jail here, some emotional prison. You guys aren't 16. You're old enough to have 16-year-olds.

Jesus. Tell you what, we're going to let you go, but if you want to, you can jump off the bridge. Also, if you're looking for a job or a career, can I suggest joining the force? It's pretty fun. You pull people over. You don't give them tickets.

Yeah, you sort of do your deeds to society, and it seems like you guys are just suckling off the teat of our resources. Not really doing anything with your lives. So they did run, they took everybody's license there. They ran all of our licenses. They told us we weren't allowed to trespass. They gave me yet another sobriety test.

And then they came back to the window and they were like, here's what this is. This is a written warning. A notice of warning. And it means nothing. There's no record of it. So what you can do with this piece of paper is have it framed or literally shove it up your ass.

It is, as of right now, more meaningless than the actual paper it's printed on. They just told us not to come back and trespass that night. So we drove 100 yards up, pulled a Yui, left, yet again, blasting 99 problems. I said it would be funny if he just drove right into a wall after that. Right off the bridge. Good night, America. We'll see how smart you are when the canine

cuffs got 99 problems. No! No! And then, as a postscript to that whole story, Streeter got three tickets from the Woodstock police the very next day for not doing anything wrong. Yeah. He was like waiting at a McDonald's. He was like, yeah, he was waiting on a curb at a McDonald's to pick up friends who had all performed at the Woodstock comedy show for free to raise money for like charity. And Streeter got three tickets.

Did nothing wrong. nothing bad ever happens to jay kerwitz and everything bad happens to streeter side out those are the two shows that are on nick at night all right good story yeah should we try to squeeze one more question in the moral of the story here though is to not drive drunk and don't break the law. You have to understand only I get away with it. Yeah, yeah. Unless you're Jake, like, don't pull that shit. Right. But you weren't, we should say that you weren't very drunk.

You had one drink over the course of many hours. Right, right. I don't drive drunk. And you passed two sobriety tests. Yeah, you don't drive drunk, kids. And if you're going to drive drunk, be me. Yeah. Actually, I'd like to test out my theory tonight.

I'm going to kick it up to two glasses of champagne. Champagne, here we go. All right, real quick. Last question. Ready? Yeah, let's do it. This one comes from... Sorry, I'm just clearing my throat.

And here we go. let's do it jesus man i'm not gonna be able to use that you peak sorry about that all right uh hey dudes love the show so oh wait this one comes from William Shakespeare. The man himself. Holy shit, the author himself, the creator. All right, now I know for a fact it's Pocahontas. So, I've been going to this restaurant and bar called Twin Peaks. It's very similar to Hooters, but the girls wear even skimpier outfits. I've noticed that there are some guys who have multiple waitresses that always come up to them and sit next to them and talk and flirt with them I really want to have the same kind of interaction

with these waitresses it's not like these guys are really good looking or anything so I'm not really sure why these girls seem to flock to these guys at first I assumed that maybe the the guy was a friend of one of the waitresses but it's not like they always go to the same guy either I'm not looking to hook up with them since I'm in a serious relationship. I just want some harmless flirting. I'm kind of shy and the drinks don't seem to be giving me much liquid courage. What should I do? This is so sad.

Yeah. So this guy is 12 beers deep writing this question from his phone in the bathroom. Of Twin Peaks. Twin Peaks. How are the outfits skimpier than Hooters? Yeah, Hooters is like as close as you can get before calling it a strip bar legally this probably just is a strip bar so yeah the outfits are even skimpier than hooters if you can imagine um they'll bend over and spread their ass cheeks in front of me they'll pick up a wing with their vajay if you can imagine so nowhere along the line did this guy think that like maybe these dudes tip the waitresses and maybe the waitresses at twin peaks are flirting with people

in skimpy outfits sitting on laps to get tips by the way these guys this guy is describing what would be my biggest nightmare which is going to a hooters and have a waitress flirting with me like that would i would hate that so much i i want to be this guy i want to be this stripper repellent um i maybe i talked about this story on the podcast but i went to a strip club for the first time um jeff rubin had never been to a strip club uh-huh um i think he's okay with me telling the story because he did nothing wrong in this and but i was there with jeff rubin and pat and uh they like it was they had and they felt uncomfortable in a strip club. That was not their home. Scene.

And I'm just like, I'm fine there. And some lady came over, and she was, strippers, this is what happens. She was just like, can I sit on one of your laps? And both of them just pointed to me. So, well, what can this guy do to be the guy that people point at? Just be confident. I mean, you don't have... I don't know.

I think you have to just go there a lot and start tipping them and then they're going to eventually realize, oh, this guy tips well. We're going to go be friends with him. They don't have real... Yeah, it's money, but you don't have to to have a lot it's not like you need to be rich you just need to be like a little bit generous with your tipping yeah because this is twin peaks

after all this isn't hooters right this isn't a classy joint like hooters yeah this is uh this is have you ever been to a hooters go i've been to a hooters once in san diego and we've been to a strip club before together, right? Yeah. Tight. But it's not like they were bumping and grinding on me. Right. I mean, you wouldn't pay someone for a lap dance.

Yeah. No, I would not. Right. I've lost. Jesus. I've lost. Actually, this is a funny story. At Spearman Rhino in Vegas, a bouncer cut off my thumb.

Why? Because I was like i paid two thousand dollars for a lap dance and uh i didn't pony up the cash afterwards my card was declined dance but i had uh set up the chair just so so they couldn't barge into the room until i was done yeah and then they came and i said yeah good luck getting money out of me i ain't i ain't got it i ain't got it and i ain't gonna have it he said and i and this is like i had a giant gin stain in my jeans and i was like and yo i already got off so i'm out and then they're just like ow hey no what is this and

then it's just like put my thumb on a coffee table i was like what the fuck are you doing man what the fuck is this what is this shit and then chopped it right off put it in a bag gave me some ice and they told me which way the hospital was and i was like really it's like that you ain't even gonna call me an ambulance man my phone's dead my phone's fucking dead and then i like fainted on the way to the hospital turns out the dancer she felt bad for me she followed me out there to see if i was gonna make it she saw that saw that I wasn't. She called 911 from her phone. She thought that you weren't going to make it. Yeah, she knew I wasn't going to make it.

She called 911 from her phone. I got the thumb surgically reattached. Yeah, it all worked out, man. It did not all work out. Yeah, I did. I got a free lap dance. That's worth it to you? You'd cut off your thumb and surgically reattach it for a lap dance?

I got that health insurance. Thank you, IAC. Nothing bad ever happens to Jake Hurwitz. But if it does, it all works out. That's our time. That's our time. We are going to be at Comic-Con. It was officially announced.

Whoa. Yeah, New York City Comic-Con. It's time to promote it then. Yeah, if you're going to be at New York City Comic-Con. It was officially announced. Yeah, New York City Comic-Con. It's time to promote it then. Yeah, if you're going to be at New York City Comic-Con, come to our... We're going to do a live podcast taping, I should say, with Pete Holmes. Yeah, so even if you hate us and you listen to 45 minutes of a podcast right now, come for

Pete Holmes. He's going to be awesome. I'm super pumped. We're hoping to get as many fans as we can over there, so check it out. The specific information will be on the New York City Comic Con website. And we'll post it on Facebook when we know more. And if you can't come to that because you don't want to go to Comic Con, you can come to our other live podcast taping, which is going to be November 6th at Littlefield in Brooklyn.

There are still some tickets still available for that. Damn right. Thank you so much for listening to this whole weird show that we just did. And if you want to be a part of it in some sick fashion, you can email us too at ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Yes, and I'll keep on submitting theme songs too. Oh, yes. That first one was from some guy whose name I don't even remember. Neither do I.

Trenton Eliopoulos. How did we forget? YouTube username Overdrive is classy. Trenton Eliopoulos. How did we forget? YouTube username Overdrive is classy. I'll never forget his name. Oh, sorry. You should say his YouTube name without me talking over you. Overdrive is classy. Yes, but we can't forget his voice. Yeah. Trust in me.

Trust in you. And this last, our outro theme song is another original submitted by Grant Singer and Jake O'Reilly. Thanks, guys, and thanks for listening. If I were you If I were you I'd walk a mile in your shoes

And then I'd have your shoes