Segments - 261: Daddy (w/Tim Baltz!)

Episode Date: March 6, 2017

Comedian and friend Tim Baltz joins us to discuss breakfast, fighting, and kinky dog whistles. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. The end. That was Safari Unified's podcast. Email in with any questions that you might want to ask. We got Jake, Josh, the Game Boy, Noah, and Amir.

Kobe's in the back, but you never can hear. Yes, dear. They have special guests, but not all the time. Stories of John Wolf and it's not quite crime. They always start and end with a fan-made song. Sometimes things get too real. Turn down the podcast, mom. Very soon.

We'll tell you, seize the cheese, and hope that things turn out all right. Will we ever find out if Jake lost his virginity? Do we have to see them live? Let's get on with it. And further ado, the show starts now if I were you. Yeah. Well, there's three more verses. Okay.

That was very punk rocky. What'd you think, Tim? That was great. The guy who chim you think, Tim? That was great. The guy who chimed in, oh yeah, like halfway through. Yeah. Kind of sounded like Jake. Oh, I wonder if they just took an oh yeah. Oh yeah.

That's pretty good. My oh yeah kind of sounds like Dave because I stole it from him. Yeah, we have a friend named Dave. But he stole it from Macho Man Randy Savage, I think. Everybody steals. Let's talk about it. Mach about it didn't steal it from anyone oh he made it up oh yeah sorry oh the kool-aid guy everybody steals from macho man is what i meant to say right right right uh that guy uh his name is bryce linus he's been putting up a cover

song every week this year in alphabetical order on his youtube channel so So it's Bryce, B-R-Y-C-E, Linus, L-Y-N-A-S. Was that a cover song? Not that I know of. It will be soon. People are going to be covering that. Oh, yeah. So this will be the original source material for other covers. TM, Bryce Linus.

Love that. Tim Baltz in the house. Yo. First time guest on our show yeah crazy right what took us so long and I still haven't seen the pilot I was in that's right

we know Tim because he was in our True TV pilot we have it past yeah I know we go through this every time I see it

you wanna watch it after this you have it no I don't have time we go through this every time I see it too I can't stress how not interested

I am in seeing you uh tim yeah you we basically auditioned people for this specific role and as soon as we saw tim we're like that's the guy hired him right on the spot this dumpy uptight nerd yeah that was the part uh but now you got your own shit going on uh your show on CISO. Yeah, I'm mostly CISO's bad boy these days. Oh, yeah, because you're on bajillion dollar properties. Yeah, which we finished seasons three and four. Two seasons at once? Yeah, well, pretty much.

How many episodes are in a season of that? Eight? No shit. No, nine in the first two. And then we shot the first two over the course of two months at the end of 2015 beginning of 2016 and then they ordered two more seasons which they didn't even tell their fans about until until we were done filming season three and four well they're like by the way season three i don't even know if i'm supposed to say four that's okay you're season you're cso's bad boy

yeah that's right i break all their rules you're fired man they know it too sometimes they create like bullshit rules just because they know I'm going to break them. Yeah. Keep your image up. Classic bad boy. CISO's bad boy is anybody else's good boy. That's true. That's how good they are. Oh God, I'm willing to be anybody's good boy. Your persona screams good boy though. It does. You're not rarely a bad boy, right? Are you a bad little boy, Tim? Are you a bad little boy, Tim? I'm a bad little boy. Have you ever gotten in trouble? Yeah, I take spankings pretty well.

I administer them well too. Actually, I have a good story about my last spanking. Okay. The last spanking I ever got. I mean like eight years went in between like my second to last spanking and my last spanking. I was like, my second to last spanking was at like age three. You outgrew the, yeah, so then by 11 you were, it shouldn't have happened. Yeah.

It's almost erotic. Okay, well, it was my dad who spanked me, so no, it was erotic for neither of us. Maybe for you. I'm like excited thinking about it. You like thinking about my dad spanking an 11 year old me? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. So we were, my mom is French. I don't know if you guys knew this. She's from the North of France. So when we were kids, I grew up an hour outside of Chicago and we would go, my grandparents would help travel at fly us back and we'd go stay in the North for like two weeks.

And then we would probably spend about 10 days going to one other place in the country, like the northeast near Alsace or the middle of the country. Oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui. Mais aussi, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui. Jesus Christ. You've got to say oui. Oui, oui, oui, oui, oui. Qu'est-ce que c'est? So one year. Oh, oui. Jesus Christ. You got to say way. Way. Way. Way.

Way. So one year. Oh, way. Oh, way. That's great, actually. Sail away. Sail away. Oh, way.

I want to spank you now. In the erotic way. Yes, exactly. The erotic way. This guy's always looked at me that way, which, by the way, is part of the erotic way this guy's always looked at me that way which by the way is part of the reason

why my nickname for you is daddy oh yeah oh yeah that is funny that was oh man alright so

so finish the spanking so we're in the we're in the alps we're in this tiny town of like 200 people and and there are these parasailors

that are coming down off the mountain landing in this little mountain town in this big field. And this field's like two football fields long, right? Huge. And we're walking down this gravel road, really huge. The only way it could be bigger is if it was three football fields long.

Which has never happened. No, two and a half. Has that happened? So this one's two football. This guy is landing like 100 yards away from me. I'm 11. I pick up a piece of gravel, and I throw it in his general direction. His general direction, right?

Trying to hit him, or you're just having fun seeing how far you can throw it? Yeah, but I'm 11. Still now, I can't throw anything 100 yards. Yeah, of course. Not even John Elway with a Vortex football could do that. Oh, my God, John Elway. It hit the stance. Oh, it's just brett farve next um and my dad comes so i i come up like 75 yards short of hitting this parasailor right

of course embarrassingly short to the point where one would think from the outside he wasn't even trying to hit this guy he was just throwing a piece of gravel in the direction of this parasailor yeah my dad comes up behind me and spanks me on the butt oh like instant spank not like i'm gonna punish you later no like instant spank and i think he was mad about other stuff i know he got to the bottom he was going through some shit with my mom he got to the bottom of you though quick spank got to my bottom and i turn around and i look at him like excuse me sir, sir. Like, how dare you? Yeah. And the whole time, he spent the next half of the day mad at me. My mom and my sister went on this hike that I couldn't go on because I was grounded or something.

And he sat there fuming, and I wasn't even mad. I just kind of stared at him like, why are you upset? Yeah, if you can question the rationale for this spanking, you're too old. That was the basis of your character, Shrink. It's like trying to get to the bottom of this guy, which happened to be your father. Yeah. Why are you mad? There's a ton of spanking in Shrink.

Shrink is the show that's coming out March 16th on CISO. Holy shit, that's soon. Yeah. All right, we'll talk about that in great, great depth later. But for now, we have to answer some questions. It's usually just me and Jake. Oh, this is perfect for a shrink, actually. Oh, yeah. You play a psychologist, psychiatrist?

I play one on a streaming platform, yeah. So these are... A bad boy, upset platform. Tim, as I'm sure you know, these are real emails from real people. Wow. People will email us. They're in sticky situations.

Is this Tim's first time on our show? It is. Wow. I mean, I've listened to it. Of course. Wow. I mean, I've listened to it. Of course. Wow, nice twins. We haven't even said the name of the show. This is If I Were You.

And it's a device podcast. Sometimes just me and Jake. Sometimes we have a friend. Today we have Tim Baltz in the house. Vortex. Get in the chopper. Stop shooting me. Anyway,

these are real emails from real people. Dylan, you son of a bitch. What's that? Another Schwarzenegger thing. Sorry. Alright, so this is from a guy. We just gotta give him a fake name if you got one.

Sure, yeah. Chad Bunz. Chad Bunz. Chad Bunz writes, I'm a freshman in college and my girlfriend of one year now moved to Alabama to go to school there while I live in a different state. Our relationship has been going strong until recently.

She would come back during holidays and we would spend a lot of time together While I live in a different state. I hate it. the entire time talking about how conflicted she was and saying she didn't want to break up with me. For lunch on her birthday, she invited her new crush and the douchebag made fun of me the entire time. When he left... All I want for my birthday is to have lunch with my crush and you.

As he derides him the entire time. When he left, when we left, he texted her all night, comparing the situation to a cliche love triangle and trying to get her to leave me while I was still there. I'm close with her family. I really like her, and I didn't break up with her while I was there. Now I'm back home, and I'm wondering if I should try to keep this relationship

going until summer when she can come back, or if I should preemptively end it so as to not let her break up with me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. Love, Chad Buns. Wow. I hope his name's not really Chad Buns. Did you guess it? Did he guess it? Is it Chad Buns? It's close. It's Chard Boone. Chard Boone. Swiss Chard Buns. I was in a situation similar to this in college, actually.

Oh, really? Yeah, I had a long-distance relationship for two, three, two and a half years. Where were you? Where was she? I was in Chicago at my college, Loyola. And she was, well, I was a little older. She was in kindergarten at the time, which doesn't sound very hot now it matches up because she's legal no now she's in college actually we had a long temporal distance so the time of our lives was also a long distance anyway you are under arrest uh where was she she was in uh she

was in my hometown which is an hour southwest joliet illinois yes nice she was two years younger than me i made a joliet joke in chicago i had a chicago show that went over really well i don't know if i ever told you that i kept making joliet references and people loved it really was the tat does the town of is it like a whipping boy is it oft ridiculed yes okay it's not shelbyville by any means springfield you know joliet has a lot of pride and it is an all-American city and it's a great place to come from. But yeah, so it's just outside the suburbs. The suburbs have basically grown to meet Joliet and Joliet has grown to. Now it's about 140,000, 150,000 people.

But when I was growing up, it was like 80,000, 90,000 people. Wow. And it was an old steel mill town that bottomed out and then spent like 15 years just really sadly waiting for Riverboat Casinos to show up. Up the stream. Yeah. Nothing today, guy looking through binoculars. I guess we'll have to keep playing dice. Yeah, it's a whipping boy.

So for the first two years, no, for the first year, year and a half, she was there. Then she went to college in southern illinois and that was like five hours away the salukis yes southern illinois university uh nice poll and um and she was there for a year so we did that for a year and then she transferred to a college in chicago and that was the last like six months that we were together so do you recommend these long distance relationships they're tough tough. I mean, if I were to just give a real quick answer to this guy, I would say if separation is probably making it hard for both of you, it sounds like it's making it hard for her in the sense that she's falling for a douchebag. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Which I, who would take this

invitation and be like, yeah, I'll go to lunch with you and your boyfriend. As long as I get to make fun of the little prick. You little pants old dick turd. I'm a fuck your girlfriend. Yeah, he's from Alabama, too. You know he's from Alabama. Roll Tide. War Eagle.

Motherfucker. Hell yeah, motherfucker. War damn Eagle. Roll fucking Tide. I mean, look, you got a couple options. One, you stick it out. She's probably going to break up with you. Two, you break up with her just to cut it off because you got bad feelings about this.

But really, look, break it off. Then she's going to go be with this douchebag. And she's either a person who deserves a douchebag or she's going to be with the douchebag and realizes that she fucked up and come back to you yeah but i don't even want this i don't even i wouldn't even want her back i think what she's doing is pretty bad why would she if she's not it's weird to admit feelings for someone and be like but i don't want to break up so it's like so don't tell me about the feelings no i've heard of people admitting feelings because they feel guilty it's so guilty that you say like i have a crush on this person and you know and like if you're an understanding uh guy or gal you're like that's cool like i i like get those things too but like as long as you recognize that that's like fleeting

and meaningless and what we have is more important than we can like move on but the fact that she's like and i also want to invite him out with us. I want to see this through. Like, yeah. So then it sounds like you're not, it's not necessarily like a harmless crush. It's a harmful crush. I would say any crush, don't tell me about it. If I'm in a relationship with someone, I won't tell you about my crushes. You don't tell me about your crushes. If they become debilitating crushes and crush us, then we'll deal with that. But for now, you don't have to tell me everyone that you have a crush on. Yeah, I'm with you on that i would rather not know but i think there there are people that operate in a different fashion you know there's one thing we might

be overlooking is that this is some kind of kinky dog whistle this guy's not picking up oh that they were trying to cuck this guy invites her crush to lunch He makes fun of him the whole time. And the guy's like, not into it. I like a creepy dog whistle. Kinky dog whistle. Oh, kinky dog whistle. That's a punk rock band name. Kinky dog whistle. I don't think it's that.

I think this girl's being disrespectful. It's funny that he's like, I want to break up with her before she breaks up with me. That's his only reason. He just doesn't want her to do it first. Yeah. It's the last upper hand he'll ever have because she did such bad things. She gave him a lot of reasons to break up with her

already. Yeah, that aren't based on just, like, you know, the humiliation of being dumped. Well, I mean... He's endured some humiliation already. He's young, though. I mean, he's in college, you know? I mean, I know that I stayed in that relationship because this girl at the time was was my type you know and so it was and i came from a hometown and and she was you know she was she was from my hometown really cool and outside the

box and so that was great it was very intoxicating to me it was hard for me to see past our problems when you're when you're younger your tolerance for tolerance for an unideal relationship is so insanely high. It's crazy. I'll stick it out for three years and be miserable most of the time. Because it took me 19 years to get her. I can't wait another 19. Yeah, yeah. And then when you get older, your tolerance just gets very, very short and thin very very short and thin too short yeah my name

is too short they man right now i mean my girlfriend and i i was like you know what i'm the thing i'm gonna have oatmeal for breakfast today mix it up because usually we have breakfast tacos it's pretty elaborate and it's good yeah it's a nice go-to every day it starts the day off right you have breakfast tacos every day that's a goddamn treat five probably five days a week you're spoiling yourself tim i am i am and my fat little face is proof um and then you go to oatmeal and i go to oatmeal just to kind of change it up whatever yeah and uh and you know i i mean i i jam i jam it full of the good stuff. Yeah, of course. Bananas, sugar, nuts, what have you.

Cinnamon, dates, cinnamon. I cook the cinnamon in. Wow. While I'm cooking. You do almond milk? I do coconut milk. Very good, man. A little sweet, a little creamy.

Ever made oatmeal tacos? Sick, dude. Anyway, my girlfriend was like, yeah, i don't really like oatmeal in the mornings and i and i had this reaction like dude settle down don't read into this which is so dumb but you know i'm getting older so so when do you like oatmeal or do you not just like me ever meanwhile this guy sat through an hour-long brunch with his girlfriend's crush berating him and then like laid in bed as they're texting all night that's grounds for dismissal yeah i think you should if you love her let her go and then find

someone that lives near you regardless yeah yeah it's easy for us to say and so he should do it the end um all right let's uh next question is from a guy you have another dude's name we need your help again it's a high schooler oh a high schooler all right how about um like mike m Mitchell? I like that. Classic. Yeah. Dude eats oatmeal every morning. Mike Mitchell's the name of the guy that bullied the kid in the last question. He took Chad Bunz to task. Wait, your boyfriend's name is Chad Bunz? I gotta have brunch with you two.

Three oatmeal's and watch this. There was a fight the other day at my high school. Not so much a fight as one guy just pounding on another. And I just sat there and watched it happen. I've been upset with myself ever since. What should I have done? Jump in and help or risk getting myself in

trouble for beating up the first guy? What would you have done if you were me? So he's such a coward that he did nothing, but he also has the self-confidence to know if he jumped into the fight, he would kick the other guy's ass. Yeah, the first guy's ass at the very least.

Okay. Did you ever see a fight in Joliet High? Yeah, dude. Hell yeah. It was raw. I went to public schools. There were four active gangs. Really?

Yeah. Was it called Joliet High? There were two public schools, Joliet Central and Joliet West. I went to J schools. There were four active gangs. Really? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Was it called Joliet High? There were two public schools, Joliet Central and Joliet West. I went to Joliet Central, which was on the east side, which is less, you can't even say affluent. There's less money on the east side. And the school was about 2,500 people. And it was about a third white, a third black, a third Hispanic. Okay.

And so there was always kind of tension the weird thing was is that it was kind of an anti-breakfast club high school joliet west was more like a traditional breakfast club high school you know same like kind of class structure within the high school whereas central where i went if you thought you were cool there were so many people just looked at you and ridiculed you you think you're cool no one was in any way there was no popular kids all nerds no no not like that at all just like people that were they didn't buy into the cool stuff like that it was it was it's just the dynamic of the town that specifically the dynamic that high school was it because of the breakdown i think demographically at the school you weren't really it was like well two-thirds of the school is probably

going to look at you like what what's your thing nobody cares so how are their fights um people tried to be cool probably probably i mean you wait you remember actually seeing a fist fight oh yeah i remember freshman year so freshman year i'm coming in at like 5'2", 100 pounds. Soaking dry. Yeah. And I remember it was a four-story. 5'2". It's this gorgeous old building. It looks like Stateville, which is actually just outside of Joliet. It was built in 1904, I think.

It's all marble. It's all like, oh, it's a gorgeous old building. And I remember walking up the steps and looking out into, there was like a t street that that stopped near one of the big main doors and i remember looking out and i was just kind of like taking a pause adjusting my backpack and i saw this dude come out one guy hands him a padlock the guy puts it in his hand jesus and just decks this dude in the back of the head and the guy out cold immediately of course and then like my classroom happened to be one level up overlooking the same street.

Holy shit. And like an ambulance comes up, gets this guy. Good Lord. Yeah. But then my sophomore year, we had a principal come in with a zero tolerance policy and totally cleaned it up. Wow. The Rudy Giuliani of high school principals. Because he's a racist.

Yeah. And he dresses in drag for life. Yeah. Would you do, would you, have you ever broken up a fight? I would never, especially in high school. Maybe now seeing high schoolers fight, I would perhaps have the courage, depending on the size of the high schoolers, but I'm not the kind of guy that's about to break up a fight. Yeah. I mean, if I'd been in high high school i don't think physically i would have been of service you would have just been some sort of paper towel someone threw in the middle of this brawl well by junior senior year i'd gotten into power lifting because i was a varsity athlete so

true yeah well power lifting uh soccer no shit yeah what is like were for soccer you were like clean and jerking power lifting i hope people are googling my legs right now i've never cleaned and jerked anything clean and jerk wait are you serious about being a soccer player yeah and you were doing weight lifting any varsity athlete could get out of gym class pe class by going into power lifting which is way easier you didn't have to do anything or you could just do whatever you wanted. And we had a couple psychosteroid heads that would just go nuts. And you'd watch records get broken every week.

Jesus. Yeah, it was fun. But mostly I ate my lunch during that period. Oatmeal. Got jacked. Ice cold. Would you break up a fight? I was thinking during this question, this is like, I had an experience in New York? I was thinking during this question, this is like, I had an experience in New York

where I was outside the subway and I was watching like two people get into a fight and like a sort of crowd was like forming around and I was like, I should, this shouldn't happen. Like I should break this up. But I was too,

I was like, it felt like there was enough people that something was gonna like it was gonna get broken up and then somebody sort of tried to break it up and somebody else that was watching was like no let them handle it wow and then like but i just felt so uncomfortable and i didn't do anything and i just left and that like ate away at me for a week or two and the next like a couple weeks later i saw and i saw another fight on the street in the and uh some dude was like crossing crossing the road and like punched the hood of a car and then the guy in the car got out they started arguing and then they started fighting and the dude in the car like

suplexed the guy on the ground and this time because i'd like dwelled on it for a long time about how i was a coward i didn't't say anything, I broke up that fight. How did you do it? I just screamed as loud as I could. Hi! Hi! And they froze. Oh, so you broke it up with your words.

Well, then I went over there and like the – I went over there. And as I went over there, the guy that was on the ground got up and ran away. You created a diversion. there and as i went over there the guy that was on the ground got up and ran away and then the dude that was punching him was like he attacked me you saw that right and then we called the police wow yeah wow so at the very least you can scream yeah that's what you should do hey hey hey rather than like getting in there and fucking pulling people apart. Yeah. I mean, I think you could probably assess the situation. Like if somebody's just like pounding on somebody, maybe you should try to pull him off if he's like going to crack his skull or something.

Yeah. I don't know. It's so hard because I'm not strong. Like I feel like if the people are bigger than you, you shouldn't get in the way of the fight. I think that if it really... Like, if it's two huge dudes going at it, what am I supposed to do? I bet there's, like, people that are trained to break up fights. But to me, anyway, it seemed like just, like, breaking the concentration and, like, taking the air out of it a little bit...

Yeah. ...was enough for everybody to be like, holy shit, all right. Like, I don't think any... It seems rare that somebody's like, I'm going gonna punch this guy till he's dead yeah but if like there's a fight happening maybe i think you could probably what if you just scream police i feel like that would scare people enough to stop that's a good i mean introducing confusion and kind of you know diverting the attention or diffusing yeah the the the energy right there it it can help if you're not willing to jump in i i had a cousin jeff who has gotten into a lot of a lot of fights oh no jeff's not his name uh

no but he's dwarf yeah my cousin dwarf but he's great but he can bench like 350 pounds he was in the army reserves for six years like he's a rough and tumble guy and he told me once because he's like 15 years older than me i'm one of the youngest i have 20 cousins on my dad's side and i'm one of the youngest oh my god and i loved i loved playing sports with all my older cousins and they kind of treated me as this little like you know this little i don't know mascot almost where they're like well protect the mascot you know and and he gave me advice he's like look i would work out in his garage and uh and he's he said you started talking he's like you know you ever get in any fights and i'm like no not really i'm not really that kind of guy he's like all right well here's some advice for you um never fight a dude bigger than you odds are

you're gonna lose that that goes for me and he's like six three you know 275 or whatever and uh and he's like and then if you do have to get in a fight with someone that's bigger than you or or uh or you know someone that you think is going to kick your ass if you can and this is a dude who has a ton of like i guess integrity for fighting there should be no honor among thieves right right but you're like if you're down to fight then you could like claw and stab and bite and this was his point he's like kick someone in the nuts with the with the toe of your foot it will destroy them and it will at least take the air out of them and for long enough for you to get the hell out of there the toe of your foot and then the last thing was he was like

never fight a wrestler ever never fight a wrestler because they know how to beat you up because they can get you on the ground and just like annihilate you i would if i was fighting somebody i'd be so scared to kick them in the nuts because i it feels like there would be a like there's a chance you miss right you catch their thigh or they like block it somehow and then like you and then that's they are an enraged bull especially if they catch your foot yeah and they're like what are you doing you're gonna kick my fucking ball they can break your leg. The inverse of the advice he gave you is kick smaller people in the balls. That's what he told you to do.

Wow. And all this time I've been inverting it. But yeah, that is what he said. Find a smaller person and kick them in the balls. And I said, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Fucking Jeff was the man, man. All right. That's what we would have done in that situation.

Let's take a break. Think a few more peeps. We'll be back with more Tim Balts right after these. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it.

It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's g-u-m.f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct.

And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards. And if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do. I do. Yeah, I do a lot.

This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general. But I still have... You're a fan of gambling. Yes, of course. You're a fan of gambling in general.

Yes. And I do have an affinity for the silver and black. So if you like football as much as me, which is not likely, because I do know a lot. Do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players.

I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first-time Pick 6 players, check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits. Very cool.

Download the new DraftKings pick six app now and use code segments. That's code segments for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits only on DraftKings pick six. The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregonconnecticut.

Must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions. Pick 6 is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer. Non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash.

Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. All right. We're back with Tim. But actually, first, real quick, we we gotta shout out the citizenry raffle winner. Oh shoot, who won?

Yes, the winner of the citizenry Palermo Tripolina chair. Please be me. None other than, it's not you. Yep, it is actually an alias I made to win the contest. Yes, if your alias was

Christine Harrison. It wasn't. Sorry. That's a real other human, and that's a gut punch. Yeah. But I guess I'm happy for her. Gut punch, that is a gut,

that is an ass slap. So she won the citizenry raffle? She won the citizenry raffle, but don't fear, because there's still some citizenry goodness. You guys can check out their stuff, which, as we said, is handmade, local artisans.

Just some real tasteful, tasteful shit to upgrade your places. And you can go buy anything you want there and use the coupon code IFIWEREYOU at checkout for free premium shipping. That's not bad. That's what's up. I ain't mad. I ain't mad. I ain't mad. So what's the URL?

The URL is thecitizenry.com, the-citizenry.com, and the coupon code is if I were you. Upgrade your home decor game, everybody. And thanks to Christine for winning our first chair raffle. Go get that chair, baby. Tim, Shrink, March 16th. Yes,

on CISO, which is available on Apple TV. You can get it through Amazon, I think Google Chromecast, or whatever it is. We ran ads for CISO, so I believe if you don't have CISO, there's a great chance you can use promo code IFIWEREYOU to get two free months of Cso that would be

great to watch this show all all eight episodes of shrink land at the same time more succeeding and there are full episodes 22 minute 25 or 30 minutes actually damn yeah yeah so what's the plan to make more to to hopefully i mean it'd be great to have another season you know uh obviously like it hasn't even come out yet so we gotta wait and see but CISO was very happy we we were very happy with what happened we filmed it in Chicago in September and October um used a lot of great people from from Chicago Chicago people that live here LA people that we know and love uh Mary Holland is in it yeah oh man she's so funny yeah she's great some some great people John Lutz Tammy Sager, Greg Holliman from Strangers with Candy, TJ and Dave, the legendary improv duo. They play different parts in it.

Joel Murray plays my stepdad. Megan Fay, who is in Transparent, who's actually from my hometown of Joliet, Illinois. Wow. Yeah. Double Joliet reference. Yeah, and I'd never met her before. Wow. She plays my mom.

Some great, great people are in it. And you play a shrink analyzing people. A shrink. The quick byline is basically my character graduates from medical school, does not get accepted into a teaching hospital, a university hospital, which is what doctors have to do. Of course. So he's over half a million dollars in debt. He's about to lose his medical license. And in the state of Illinois, you can become a clinical therapist if you register 1,920 supervised hours of clinical therapy. Is that true? Yes. Okay. So he basically defaults to doing that. He starts doing, and you can't charge them and you have to get it supervised.

Okay. So he starts doing free therapy in his parents' garage because he's been forced to move back home. And then he seeks out a supervising therapist to sign off on his hours. So the thrust. Do they have to sit in the room? No, but he records everything. I see. So they listen. So the thrust of the season, of the eight episodes, is him getting a supervising therapist to sign off on this, slowly getting better know being pretty bad at it at times and navigating

kind of his post medical school life with the fact that he's this much in debt he has to get a part-time job um he has to log you know like eight hours of this stuff a day without charging it's like a full-time job without getting paid yeah yeah awesome yeah i'm in it's great and it uses a ton of improv um with some great improvisers. And oh, Joey Romaine, who was in the fantasy. Oh, man. Yeah. He's a force of nature.

Yeah. He's in a bunch of episodes. He's so funny. That's great. I love Joey. Sweet. We can check it out. I'm going to check it out starting March 16th, you said?

March 16th. Hell yeah. Actually, we're going to be in Australia when that comes out. Really? Have you ever been to australia i never have we're doing shows in melbourne and sydney on march 16th and 18th uh live versions of this podcast oh my god yeah and then we're in south by southwest or we're in austin the weekend before we have a whole head gum live show on saturday march 11th so So you go to Austin, Australia. That's right.

That's the name of our next dude, Austin, Australia. Alphabetical order, baby. Austria's next. Austria's got to be next. That's great. You guys, Australia loves you, right? For whatever reason, we have a lot of fans in Australia. They're listening right now?

They have to be. They better be. They damn well better be. And we'll see you guys there. Tickets are still available at jakeandamir.com. Are you going to South by this year? I'm not. Awesome.

Yeah. We'll see you there. That's Austin, dude. No, because South, no, no, no. I have to do press stuff for Shrink. I'm going back to Chicago to do some stuff. Oh, cool. Yeah.

That's fun. All right. Do you want to answer some more Qs? Yeah. So this is a female's name. Our first female name that we need from you. Ooh. All right, do you want to answer some more Qs? Yeah. So this is a female's name, our first female name that we need from you. Ooh, all right. How about Jessica Adams? Even your female names have a male name in them.

Are these supposed to be, I'm not supposed to be like, you know, could people be like, Jessica Lantern? Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's really funny. Let's do that. All right, pretend I asked you for to be like, you know, could people be like, Jessica Lantern? Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's really funny. Let's do that. All right. Pretend I asked you for the first time. All right, all right. Can we get a name for this female?

Jessica Adams. Oh, shit. Jessica Adams, oh, shit, right? I have this gal pal. We'll call her Cheese. See, she's good. Yeah, nice. She recently decided she's ready for her first tattoo she wants to

branch she wants a branch with little break off branches that represent important things in her life her husband her two dogs etc the thing is she said she wants one of the branch off branches that represents me overall cool tattoo sure sweet of course good? Abso-fucking-lutely not. I can't handle the commitment of having a lifelong friend. I definitely can't handle the commitment of being represented on somebody else's body for the rest of their life. Don't get me wrong, I love tattoos. I have a few shitty ones on my own body, but they don't represent shit and it's my body. What if we break up and she just has this reminder of me on her body for the rest of her life do i just assume she won't relate the obscure branch to me if we break

up do i seize the cheese shake her and tell her it's a bad idea coming off as a shitty person because i'm assuming our friendship won't last do i get a matching tattoo to make it seem like i have faith in the friendship how do i snake and weasel myself out of this like a cow would? Deepish pull from a Jake and Amir episode. Help me, Jake and Amir. You're my only hope, but I'd like your input. Extra info, we've known each other for two and a half years. She's 28.

I'm 23. She's married. I'm single. I'm a Gemini. We're both right-handed females. I'm a Gemini we're both right handed females she's a Gemini is the other girl

a Virgo? you know what it doesn't say but probably she's either a Virgo or a Sagittarius absolutely and you know

that this girl that wrote in is a Leo forever and for always Jessica Adams oh shit what a whirlwind what a whirlwind what a whirlwind

quick thoughts impressions I mean my first thought initially was let cheese do what she's gotta do whatever but then one of them's 28 and Mary and the other's 23 yeah that was the one that threw me where I thought okay you're still you are still

in a phase of your life where you're kind of creating lifelong friendships, but you're not committing to them. You're in a weird like post high school or college phase where, you know, your friends are in flux kind of, you still have your good friends from home and maybe some college friends, but it sounds like this girl is there neither yeah this girl is i guess a bff for now right 21 to 23 28 to 23 no i'm saying she they've been friends for two years so this oh yeah when she was 21 right right but did she did she stand up at her wedding you know it doesn't say because if she didn't but we do know what hand is their dominant hand. Right. They're both right-handed. Right. Yeah.

Does that do anything? Thoughts? How does that affect this? I was gonna say something, but now I just realized one of them's not left-handed. So, scratch that. Who cares, I think, if somebody got a tattoo of, not only of me, but of something that represented

me. And not even something that really represents you it's only a branch on a greater tattoo yeah it's part of her tattoo she says will represent you whether it does or not doesn't matter it almost sounds like it's something that she said to like placate you oh yeah one of the branches is uh like a branch for my dog and my husband and uh and you. Yeah. Girl. I gotta put a stop to this. And then this girl has shitty tattoos herself.

And this other tattoo doesn't even seem shitty. So I don't know what moral ground she's standing on. It's funny that she's like, I have shitty tattoos, but they're on my body.

That's worse. This one will be on her body. I think the worst bit of advice I've ever heard is, should I get a matching tattoo? Yeah. Obviously that would dig a deeper hole for you to climb out of. That's certainly the wrong answer.

Yeah. I wouldn't do that. Just let it happen. Look, tattoos are always, you know, they represent a time in your life. And so they evolve as you get older. So if that branch becomes less meaningful later, cool, that's life. If it gets more meaningful or it stays the same, that's life too. Whatever.

My butterfly tattoo is case in point. It's not quite as... It's not quite a case and it doesn't have a point. But you know what? It's fine and I'm not mad at anybody aside from myself for getting it. Do you have one? Oh, there it is. Yeah.

Oh, nice. For anybody listening i'm spreading my ass nice it's a beautiful colored in butterfly and i i see how the uh the butterfly's big open mouth is your butthole yeah and it oh here comes the caterpillar it's hungry oh no the caterpillar's coming out oh lord a Lord. A lot of little larvae. Yeah. And they're just squirming around. That's enough. I didn't mean to open this Pandora's box. Oh, and it is a Pandora's box.

And it is open. Tim, you don't have any tattoos. I mean, look at you, man. You're clean cut and just right. Damn right. Would you ever get a tat? Probably not. I mean, I would, you know.

I thought you had a chess piece. Chosen one? Chosen one. Yeah. I got Delonte West's face on my back. That's amazing. Fucking LeBron's mom on my chest. On my back.

So he's fucking the mom on your chest. That's a tattoo on your back. A tattoo of your chest on your back. I wouldn't rule it out. I haven't had anything propel me to do it, probably because for most of my life I've felt like, nah, I wouldn't do it. I like the idea of a clean body.

Yeah. How often do you shower, man? In the mornings. I get that oatmeal. I get that oatmeal. I get that shower in. I am feeling good for the day. I wouldn't rule it out, but it would have to be pretty significant. Yeah.

Have you ruled out getting a tattoo? I mean, I haven't made a rule because I don't even think about it ever. So I would say probably not a tattoo. I would say 95%. No, higher. 95%. Yeah, like what's a scenario? Can you even invent one in your head where you would get a tattoo?

Drunken pact between many friends on the best day of our lives after we've agreed to do something insane, if something even better happened. I see. I understand. Okay. Oh, we can make that happen. I mean, I'm trying. I'll meet you in Vegas. The wheels are turning.

I want to get you a Tetsu. It's like, if we're in Vegas, and my buddy puts $100,000 on a roulette spin, and it hits, we all promise to get a little dollar sign on our ass that no one will ever see. All right, fine, let's go for it. I want you to be that ass.

I want your ass on my ass. Before we left, I wanted to explain the daddy joke just because it was so funny. Do you remember the origin of the daddy joke? Oh, I do yeah thank god all right so we're eating lunch it was while shooting right yeah it was when we were shooting the pilot for whatever reason i like i i made some kind of joke like to the pas or something like because they were calling you know they're like everybody's on walkie talkies and stuff and i so i calling you know they're like everybody's on walkie-talkies and stuff and i so i was like i want my like my nickname on set's going to be

daddy so i'd be like all right dad like daddy's flying in like daddy's yeah i wouldn't be like where's jake uh jake's makeup or whatever like no like daddy's in wardrobe daddy's like daddy's coming in yeah uh you're when you're in the bathroom they say the code for the bathroom is 10-1. It's like, Daddy's 10-1. Anyway, it didn't stick with anybody except for Tim. But you would say it at the least opportune, least cool time. I remember eating lunch. It was never like, oh, way to go, Daddy. You nailed that take.

It was... I think during lunch was the first one one day one day at lunch I like didn't I didn't like the lunch or something and I was like where do we

like why did we get it from here or whatever and nobody's really responding and then Tim is like I find the meat to be a little dry too daddy I don't remember that at all I'm sorry about your failed lunch plans daddy it was always something like that so they're just like so lame and sad and like i do remember that what was what's great

is that if i don't see you for like you know three or four months and i see you and that's the first thing out of my mouth and it feels like you've forgotten about it. But I definitely haven't. Oh, no. I forgot about the origin, but God, no, it does crack me up. Hi, Daddy. Hi, Daddy. Oh, hello, Daddy. Do you mind if I get a soda from the fridge, Daddy?

Do you remember when Rick Fox cheated in beer pong against us, Daddy? As I fucking do. Did he really cheat? Yeah, he did. Against me and you? Or against you and somebody else? No, who was it?

It was me and somebody. I mean, we were all playing in and out. I don't know. It wasn't George Basil, was it? No. No, but it was somebody. How did he cheat? So I bounced one in on him and it should have been two cups it was two cups I bounced one in and he was like he was like oh it's never gonna

happen again I was distracted and then um someone pretended to throw one I threw one and it would have it would have landed and ended the game in the first cup. And he swatted it away thinking that it was a bounce or something like that. He was like, oh, no, no, I thought it was a bounce. I'm like, that was going in. He's like, well, we can't prove it. I mean, I've rarely ever been this sure of a ping pong ball. You're about to Doug Christie punch him in the chin. Did he go on to win?

Yes, of course. Fox never loses. You know that. That's a tough pill to swallow, man. Sometimes you gotta swallow that pill, daddy. He's back. Alright, any last things to plug before we head out? No, check out Shrink.

So March 16th on CISO, but then it also comes out, the pilot comes out March 9th on Amazon. And 16th on CISO but then it also comes out the pilot comes out March 9th on Amazon oh cool and you know go to CISO TV and they'll have

clips in the next couple weeks sweet anybody I think the CISO ads that we ran were like maybe within the last two months

yeah so if anybody signed up maybe they might even still have it when shrink comes out yeah and if you haven't yet I think

there's a great chance it's still available. The promo code that is if I were you show, which is when you're checking out and it gives you two free months. Cool. Thanks for coming by. Finally. I know, man. Gracias.

Thank you guys. Thanks to all those emailers. Yeah. It's like it's been so long and here we are again. Override. If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions that email address for everything is ifireyoushow

at gmail.com the opening theme song was written by do you guys remember his name Bryce Bryce Linus yeah nice

oh really good lord I was never gonna get it closing one is by somebody named Jeff or Jeffrey and he's got a

jazzy little ditty for us Jeff or Jeffrey let me put it on jazzy little ditty for us. Jeff or Jeffrey? Let me put it on my computer. That was like a guy's... Oh no, it was another dude's name. Josh No Joshua? Yeah, this is a different guy. Jeff No Jeffrey. No, that's not his actual name. I'll get it. You're right.

I should give him that. Okay. The stage name is The Last True American Hero. And his name is Joseph Drevitz from Portland. Do you know him? We've played one of his songs before. Oh, really? Awesome.

This one was great, but a little too long. So I decided to end the episode with it. So thanks, Joseph. Thanks, Bryce. Thanks, Tim. Hey, thanks, Amir. Thanks, Daddy. We'll be back next week.

Later, guys. If I Were You, for Jake and Amir. If I were you, I would be wearing those shoes. I'd marry Susie Lou Cause she's not like those other girls you're into If I were you I'd drive your Lamborghini real fast Pick up Tracy Chapman

We'd have a blast And we'd never go back If I were you I'd save my money Not spend it on cocaine And hookers like you're prone to do And if I were you I'd call my mom and tell her I love you

Call my dad and tell him Thank you for paying for my extravagant lifestyle Even though I'm 22. And if I were you, I'd buy my friend Joe some sweet cakes. And maybe tickets to go see the Knicks. If I were you, for Jake and Amir