Segments - 263: Outdoor Sex (w/Rhett and Link!)

Episode Date: March 13, 2017

Internet superstars Rhett and Link join us to discuss real friends, fake family, and the McDonalds menu. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. If, if, if, if, if I were, if, if, if I were you? Jake and Mears, If I Were You is taped in front of a live studio audience and is brought to you by Dunkaroos. Oh, that was a Nickelodeon thing.

Yeah, that was the What Would You Do theme song remastered just for us. Are you talking about Dunkaroos, Monty? Yeah. Well, what we're doing is we let our fans create the ads they want us to serve, and then we reach out to Dunkaroos later on and say, hey, listen, we already promoted your product. Has that ever worked? That never works.

This is the first time it's happened, so we don't know yet. I can tell you right now, it ain't going to work. Especially because Dunkaroos, I think, folded. You're trying to replace the kangaroo on the package, right? As a Jewish kangaroo. You might get a cease and desist, but I don't know if you're going to get it. For that song? We're definitely going to get in touch with them somehow.

Right. Even if it's their lawyer reaching out, that's a good thing. I know this isn't going to help you, but what exactly is a Dunkaroo? Oh, you don't remember Dunkaroos? It's like a cookie. It's like a cracker cookie. Yeah, it's like a cookie, and then it came with a little jacuzzi of frosting. Oh, like a Fun Dip cookie version.

Yeah, exactly. I wasn't allowed to have those or something. I don't know. We should say Rhett and Link are here because people are going to be listening, and they're going to be maybe curious as to who you guys are. But actually, your names will be in the title, so they'll know that you're here. Yeah, they already know. All right, never mind.

Rhett and Link, the- But that was Link who didn't know what Dunkaroos were. Yeah. Just for reference. And that was Rhett who was just being quiet. I knew they existed. You also didn't know, but didn't want to butt in. Okay.

Both didn't know what Dunkaroos were? Now that you say it, I was like, oh, yeah. Okay, you both didn't know what duck curry was? Now that you say it, I was like, oh yeah, but my mom was very strict about the sugary foods. My mom didn't give a fuck. All the processed meats you could eat, but the sugary stuff, no. No sugar. Oh really?

Did you guys do soda growing up? Mellow Yellow specifically, yes. You guys grew up in the South, right? Yeah. Mellow Yellow, not Mountain Dew for us. I don't think my mom realized that there was sugar in soda. Somehow that slipped through crack but like frosting that that was clear yeah you're not gonna have frost right just rub it in your face i have coca-cola right soda is fine it's

juice it's just brown juice it's sugar juice i guess we were getting sugar lots of ways like we i definitely drank juicy juice which was not a hundred percent juice yeah a lot of sugar our kids these days like are our kids gonna be eating healthier because now we know all this stuff, or do kids just always eat garbage and that's fine? Well, we've got the kids to- Oh, you have children? Try as we may.

There's at least five between the two of us. Is that true? Holy shit. Link has five, Ben has zero. Five and two. My son Lando, he turned seven today. Holy shit. Today is his birthday.

Happy Lando day. Yeah. And you see, you're giving him the soda is fine, the sugar is fine, or you're like, no. Oh, no, no, no. He has to scavenge for anything he wants. But when we moved out here six years ago, and so we've got kids older than that.

I've got a kid that's turning 13 tomorrow. Whoa, 13? He's got a kid that's already turned 13. How? Can I say how old are you? Ask how old, or is that like a rude thing? I'm 23. Oh, that's amazing.

10 years older than your son. You're a baller. 39 and 38. 38, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Still, but 13. We're from North Carolina.

We got started with that whole wife and kids thing before the entertainment thing ever happened. Oh, wow. They were smart, they bought low. Yes. They bought low. They bought Rhett and sold Link. That's what they called it. Exactly.

So when we moved out here, our wives were already pretty strict about what the kids ate, but it was like North Carolina strict. Yeah. And then when we moved out here. Which is like no frosting except on cake. No, it's like a birthday.

All the kids that they were meeting at birthday parties had never eaten at McDonald's. They had never eaten. Oh, because LA is like health conscious. No fast food. You guys came from the south. They're like, what, you don't have Kool-Aid? Right. You guys have Kool-Aid?

Oh yeah. But if they saw one of our kids with a chicken nugget, it was like, what, you let kids with a chicken nugget it was like what you let your kids eat chicken nuggets wow uh but some those friends have relaxed a little bit and then we've sort of got a little more strict yeah so yeah so you met in the middle i mean you kids like at the same like i can imagine like don't give your kids mcdonald's but at the same time it's like kids have to have mcdonald's like that's part of growing up this episode also brought to you by McDonald's like if I met someone now he's like oh I never had McDonald's I'd be like that's kind of weird right yeah are you an American yeah well

it happens a lot out here with these with these children but it's a sad but it's no more than twice a year with my kids at this point I mean it really is that yeah but that's still there but it does happen but there's gonna be like a rebellious McDonald's phase in their lives where they're going to go like supersize me on us. Oh. You know? Right. Or once they get a driver's license, they're like, fuck mom and dad.

Right. I'm going to drive to McDonald's at 10. As soon as I had like a little bit of money and a driver's license, I was at McDonald's every single day in high school. You're at McDonald's. We went to Hawaii last weekend. We ate at McDonald's every single day in high school. You're at McDonald's. We went to Hawaii last weekend. We ate at McDonald's three days in a row. Very health conscious. At one point late at night

you ordered a chicken sandwich and then also a breakfast sandwich. Oh, well, of course. You had dinner and breakfast all at 2 a.m. Did you say in Hawaii over a weekend? That's right. Yeah, we were recently in Hawaii. The real embarrassing story is that we went to Hawaii together for a weekend. So did we, by the way.

Regardless, we went to Hawaii together for a week. Really? We went to Hawaii together, yeah. When, recently? Over Thanksgiving. We took our families. We all went to the same place. Oh, that's great.

Yeah. It's so beautiful. Where'd you guys go? McDonald's. Do your kids all get along with each other? Yeah, they do. We were in Kauai. Oh, very nice.

Yeah, very dope. Hawaii's a magical place. I didn't see. What island were did. We were in Kauai. Oh, very nice. Yeah, very dope. Hawaii's a magical place. I didn't see, what island were you? We were in Honolulu. Or Oahu. Okay, there's not agreement here, so you weren't together. I was in McDonald's.

I was in a city. It was really weird. We haven't even said thank the fan who wrote this song, so thanks Alex Sexton, who's written for us before. He actually helped us out when we went to Austin that one time. Sexy Sexton. Se Alex Sexton, who's written for us before. He actually helped us out when we went to Austin that one time. Sexy Sexton. Sexy Sexton. Thanks Alex Sexton. A lot of drumroll at the top of that one.

He's earned it. Did you notice that? Quite a lead in. Yeah. At first I was like, is this only gonna be drumroll? I legitimately thought that. Play it again. Should I? Yeah, because you're thinking this isn't an intro, this is the song. Just the beginning. Play it again. Should I? Yeah, because you're thinking, this isn't an intro, this is the song.

Just the beginning. Here we go. All right. Technical difficulties. I've never had to... It is my word. It is my word to you. Oh, yeah.

It was like a drum roll before the drum roll. It was longer in my mind before we had to listen to it again. Yeah, that's true. I should have said let's listen to it again. I roll. It was longer in my mind before we had to listen to it again. Yeah, that's true. I should have said let's listen to it again. I thought it was normal length in my mind, and that was longer than I thought it was. Oh, okay. I think overall it was good that we listened to it again.

So this podcast is we record eight minutes and then provide commentary for the first eight minutes. What did you think of the Hawaii story? It was pretty sweet. Rhett and Link, how would you describe yourselves? Comedians, internet entertainers, entrepreneurs You're basically kind of living in the same universe as Jake and I Yes You guys are like taller, older, more successful versions of me and Jake That's just a gracious

And you found true love and created offspring So you're really, yeah Oh yeah, and you also have five children. God damn, we're so far behind. We have to start having kids with each other. This is insane. I'm already 34. Like, I'm not 13 years behind them, but I am in a certain way.

Yeah, well, it's just a different stage. You guys are going to be welcoming the newborns as we're pushing the children out of the house and beginning to live again. Oh, I'm so jealous. That's cool. It's like when somebody just finished working out, and you're getting to the gym, and you're like,

fuck, I want what you have. You already worked out. I want to be eating my recovery meal. Yeah. God. But then it's like, I didn't want to wake up early and work out earlier, so it's like, I can't have it both ways. Right.

Unless, no, I can't have it both ways. No, you can't. You're a teenager. You could adopt a 16-year-old right now. Well, you could do the Insta family thing. I don't know if you're currently dating anybody, but- What's Insta family? That's when you marry into someone who is divorced but has children.

Oh. Yeah. Or never divorced and has children. Or you just become the second husband. That's also a thing you can do. That's a nice idea. That's not what I meant, but okay, that too. Am I too young to be a second husband?

No, definitely not. I think you're right. You're in the sweet spot. I've got to move back to North Carolina and find the ladies that married at age 23. Back to North Carolina? Well, not back, but... Two there for the first time. I'm going to kill one of you and assume you're lying.

That's all. I mean, it should definitely be Link, right? Yeah, I can see that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you have any children who are so young that if I killed you and became you, they wouldn't really realize it? No, Seven is the youngest now. Oh, yeah, he'll definitely know. He kind of knows who I am now.

He knows, Lando knows his daddy pretty well at this point. But what if Amir got a McDonald's all the time? Yeah, right. Suddenly I'm the cool uncle slash daddy. But it's weird that this is the first time the four of us are getting together. I mean, honestly, right? Isn't this weird? Because, I mean, for all these years of being on the internet and stalking you guys.

There's only a handful. There's only a handful of those internet duos. It's true. And there's very few that look like more attractive adult versions of us. We should find the slightly less attractive version of us. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Slightly less attractive version of us.

That way we'll feel as good as Rhett and Link do right now. Maybe they're 27 and 24. They also have six kids. Jesus Christ. But this is a long time coming. I mean, Jake, we had a chance meeting at Lil Dom's. Yeah, that was really exciting. I had no idea how tall you, I was nice to not be surprised by how tall you guys were when you came here.

Yeah, right. I mentally prepared. Did you prepare a mirror, though? I don't think I did. Yeah, I was, I'm 5'11", and you're, what, 6'7"? Yeah. So that was, I don't know, emasculating. Especially because you got here and patted him on his head.

Yeah. Well, i didn't show you my penis though oh yeah it is out right now holy crap my god man i'm hopping into a baby bjorn and he's carrying me out of here uh so you know what a baby bjorn is though that's yeah that's i do have i do have friends with children you can definitely be a second all i have to know is what a baby bjorn is to become a father. We didn't know anything. A second husband. Well, then you also have to meet somebody that will sleep with you.

Oh, right. The whole sex situation. Well, not necessarily. No, they've already made the kids. With the Insta family. Oh, yeah. The Insta family. Yeah, you just have to be there.

That's great. And then I can Instagram the family. Right. To complete the Insta family. Then you rake in the likes. You rake in the kids. How many kids do you guys have? Five.

Five total. Three and two. Perfect. I'm in. Consider me in. It wasn't an invitation to be one of our- With their family. I see.

For another- I see. For people we don't know or never associate with, you could join that family. Got it. It's just advice. It's like a teach a man how to fish situation. Yeah, you're just equipping me with the knowledge to go off and do it myself. Yeah.

Okay, so I have to unsend a few emails if you guys know how to do that. This here right now is an advice show, though you wouldn't recognize it as such based on the first, let's say 19 minutes um but uh what happens here is jake and i get emails from people all over the world and they're seeking our guidance and advice we do our best to offer it as they should as they should because after all we are two single white guys uh sometimes it's just ourselves sometimes we have more knowledgeable people in the house so ideally you guys can provide an extra layer of wisdom that jake and I can't even provide. Yeah, you already announced the Insta family. That was a snipe.

Are you guys good with advice in general? Do people come to you with advice? Are you guys wise beyond your years? We give a lot of unsolicited advice. Link is, in just our day-to-day interactions with people, he's the advice guy. Oh, really? If somebody even hints at needing to know about something or just is kind of exhibiting some uncertainty

about anything, Link kind of goes into his advice mode. So I'm expecting that will happen. I feel obligated to help people by giving them advice that's usually bad by accident. You're gonna be a great guest on this show. I'm sincere about it uh so these are real emails that's the that's an alternate name for our show bad advice by accident uh these are real emails from real people all we have to do is give them

fake names because i don't want to refer to them as their real names that might out them in the real world right uh so why don't we start with ret why don't you give me a guy's name that we can call this person uh beauregard i like that beauregard beauregard two names twice yeah got it sorry two names once one name twice two names twice four names which is not what you say beauregard beauregard beauregard beauregard uh beauregard writes hey guys love the show so there's been a guy at my work who got hired three weeks ago. I work at McDonald's. What? Are you serious?

And he is already better than me at almost all the positions. Well. He is also really handsome and has a British accent. So everyone likes him more than me. I worked here for a year and before he got hired, I was the top dog and all the managers liked me. Now people like him more than me. But one of the problems is that he is really nice to me publicly. However, I always see this malevolent glint in his eyes

like he's saying he wants to take me off my throne. What can I do to make this guy seem worse so that he is worse than he is so that I can be back as the king without making it too obvious. This is so simple. This is so simple. Oh, you already have it.

Yeah. He's really good at everything at McDonald's, and he has a British accent. He's going to move away from McDonald's very quickly. This guy is going to- Just wait him out. Yeah. He says words like malevolent glint in an email. No more than a month left of McDonald's employment.

So nothing to worry about. The way McDonald's works is that it's sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Everybody that's too good for McDonald's will eventually leave, leaving this guy the king. Yeah. Right. They'll move to Chick-fil-A. I turn over. They'll get too good for Chick-fil-A.

Wow. And then they'll go to something else. Denny's, perhaps? Yeah, I don't know. We might just move out of the restaurant business altogether. Holy shit. Can you imagine being that British? Wow. He's on his way imagine being that British? Wow.

He's not even working. You know it. You don't work in food services? I like to imagine a very handsome British guy working at McDonald's just killing it. Yeah, right. Killing it and grilling it. What do you get, mate?

Yeah. Is that a British thing? I can do the pies? I'm sorry. All right, old chap. Did you guys ever have a job like that? A McDonald's type job? Never fast food.

I was a loner. I would mow grass. Oh, self-employed always. Yeah, I mowed some grasses. Pushing or riding? Oh, I was a rider. Nice. Good man.

He rode the lawnmower to the yard across town. He was on the lawnmower literally riding down the road and then would ride right into the- Walkman on? No, I was just the drone of the lawnmower. It was like- Loved it. Zen.

It was like my zen. It really was. I would think about lots of- You have shirtless jean shorts? I'm trying to picture a young kid in North Carolina thinking of a porn. I would be barefoot, but then you weed eat barefoot a few times and you don't do that anymore.

That's very bad. Barefoot weed eater, yeah. Do not weed eat barefoot. Is that a summer job, the mowing of the grass in the south? No, it was... All year. Like nine months out of the year.

Wow. And then... Lots of the year. Wow. Lots of grass action. Does that smell bring you back? When you smell that freshly mowed grass, are you instantly brought back? Yeah, it's like going into a trance. Yeah. Do you have a ride-on mower out here in LA?

Oh, no. Nobody does. No, no, no. It'd just be a really charming thing to keep. That doesn't exist. You rode the mower to Los Angeles? No. charming thing to keep. That doesn't exist. You rode the mower to Los Angeles. No, we gotta, I feel like I should make my kids do it, but we've got a guy. Well, everyone in LA has a guy.

Like when you get a house, it comes with a guy. Well, all the houses around me, we all share one guy. It's not like the guy's just like, if I went home right now, he'd be squatting out there waiting for the grow again. When we first moved out here and they were like, the gardener is in Cluedo, I just like, if I went home right now, he'd be squatting out there waiting for the grow again. When we first moved out here and they were like, the gardener is included, I was like, we've made it. Yeah.

Like, where's his home? The gardener is included. And as far as the butler service, when can I be expecting him? Right. I would like a lemonade. But I mean, I understand this guy wants to dominate, you know, the Mickey D's.

As shitty as the throne is, it's still a throne. It's nice to be on top somewhere. What if the other guy has an accent? He didn't mention that, but I assume he must have a better accent. It'd be funny if this is all he wanted. He's British and I'm just French. What is this worldly McDonald's that they live in? How can I be the Burger King? Maybe work at a Burger King.

Yeah, there's an idea. Where everybody is the Burger King. I like also that he's like, publicly he's nice to me, and privately he has a mean look in his eye. A level and a half. So private that he won't even admit it, but it's just us two. Where are the private places at McDonald's?

What are all of the positions? He's better at every position? There's fry, burger flipper, order guy. at McDonald's. What are all of the positions? He's better at every position? Yeah. There's fry, burger flipper, order guy. Well, I think that's what you do when you get a job at McDonald's. They rotate you through everything

in the first couple of weeks. I think I've heard that from some people. Oh, interesting. It's where they find out if you're better at taking orders. They find your strengths. That's cool.

Well, when I look back there, when I'm ordering with my kids, when I'm taking care of them, my wife isn't around. There's drawers. I don't know what, what's with the, do you know what I'm talking about? There's a lot of orange drawers back there. At McDonald's?

Yes. Are they ovens? I think it's like heater things. And they're like. I'm sure they serve a purpose. Do you know, you guys haven't seen the drawers? Like little cubbies that they pull out and there's like a sausage in it so you're talking about just storage space at mcdonald's it's like heated sausage storage or whatever like that's what i want my drawers at home to be

yeah heated just open it there's an egg mcmuffin there yeah well i'm a griddle i don't want the egg m McMuffin. I can't believe you guys have not seen the drawers. Can you write this guy back? Maybe I have seen the drawers, but it didn't register because there's drawers everywhere. Of course there's drawers. Yeah. You assume.

Like, have you noticed the doors? There's also doors. Doors and drawers. That's what McDonald's are known for. So this guy can just wait them out. Handsome British people are not long for McDonald's. What about some kind of sabotage? Oh. So you reach

into his pocket and you pull out a quarter pounder with cheese and be like, oh my god, Nigel's skimming off the top. Do you guys see this? For sure. He has a junior Mac. You guys notice that there's three big Macs? Oh yeah. And I've been very tempted to go. This is one of my personality flaws is when I see the new sandwich advertised.

In fact, this has happened multiple times in my life. When I see a commercial for a new sandwich, I get in the car and go get it. Oh, really? Yes. From the commercial? Yeah, yeah. That's their fucking dream. Yeah, yeah.

You're so susceptible to advertising. Oh, I'm so susceptible to advertising. So whoever is actually sponsoring this episode today When you go back and listen I will sign up for that service You're driving there right now It's legal Zoom You have to get a will now

I might file for divorce Just to use your coupon code And then when you go to McDonald's And they've got a new item And it's in the window I also fall for that every time. You can't even live in America. But I'm trying to get anything healthy, so I haven't had a Grand Mac yet.

You see a billboard and you're just spinning a U-turn on Sunset. Holy shit, I have to see nine movies today. This is insane. That seems like a supersize me. But I haven't had it. I'm exercising some discipline at this point, so I haven't had the Grand Mac. But you can bet your ass I know all about it. Wait, so what's the difference between the

Grand Mac and the Big Mac? The Grand Mac is just bigger. It's what the Big Mac should have been all along. Like wider? We're talking like diameter here. More patties? Girth? It is wider, and I think the patties are a little bit thicker. I think it's like a full half pound of meat. Whoa. Wait, so is it like,

is the Big Mac the regular thin hamburger patties, or is it the quarter pounder patties? The Big Mac is what is on a cheeseburger. Is it? I mean, it's a regular burger. Regular patty. Their burgers are so thin. They're so thin.

And they're kind of sweet, and I don't understand how they're sweet. So the Big Mac maybe is the thin sweet patties, and then the Grand Mac maybe they use the quarter pounder patties, which is the bigger hamburger patties. It's actually bigger around. I think Mac, maybe they use the quarter powder patties, which is the bigger hamburger patty. It's actually bigger around. I think they made a whole new mold. It looks like a restaurant.

Same beef, different mold. We broke the mold for this one. They just made a wider mold. Does that mean they got wider buns, too? Yeah. Wider buns. Really? Yeah.

Wider buns. You guys are going to have to get one now. I do love Big Macs. Yeah, it is a Big Mac. I don't think I've ever had a Big Mac. What? Yeah. Wow.

Because I always used to get chicken stuff from McDonald's. I don't know if I've ever had. I rarely did I get the hamburgers. You were all Filet-O-Fish most of your life, right? We brought up the Filet-O-Fish a couple episodes, maybe 50 episodes ago. It is the most underappreciated sandwich. Well, it was us two and a friend. We'd never had the Filet-O-Fish a couple episodes, maybe 50 episodes ago. It is the most underappreciated sandwich. Well, it was us two and a friend. We'd never had the Filet-O-Fish.

It's like we grew up not eating seafood, so we never got the seafood at McDonald's. So we all went right after the podcast to get our first Filet-O-Fish together. And? I don't think any of us could eat more than two bites. We were so disgusted by it. It's just half a piece of cheese on it. They don't even do a full piece of cheese. That is the weird thing about the cheese.

Half a piece? Half a piece. And then it's like this creamy sour sauce. I haven't had one in 10 years. I don't think it holds up. It could also be the McDonald's that we went to. They're not consistent. We also didn't grow up with it,

so there's no nostalgic appeal to this trash food. Right. Several people do. That is their favorite sandwich. What do your kids order? Are they chicken nuggets? We also didn't grow up with it, so there's no nostalgic appeal to this trash food. Right. Right. Several people do. That is their favorite sandwich. What do your kids order? Are they chicken nuggets? Chicken sandwich? Burgers?

Yeah. My kids, you know, again, this is in the Netflix generation. Of course, they've seen all the documentaries. So when we say we're going to, sometimes it's just like we're out and we've got to go to breakfast quick. And my older son would be like, Dad, I'm not doing it. You know that that meat comes from a thousand different cows. Wow.

Disease cows. The kid talking you out of McDonald's. That's so crazy. Yeah. And I'm like, Locke, we need a quick breakfast, man. You can just get an egg or something. We just got to take care of this really quickly. But yeah, so I mean, chicken, if anything, yeah.

They won't do the burgers. I know people who like, I guess you can kind of convince yourself that the McDonald's breakfast is not. Like you said, it's egg sandwiches. So it's like, it's not terrible in the same way that like eating a couple cheeseburgers from them. Right, sure. And the hash browns, big fan. Now you can get them all day. This basically sounds like McDonald's.

I can't believe you're going on and on about McDonald's, but you've never had a Big Mac. Now you're going to have to do that after this. I think I was such a picky eater as a kid that I would get everything plain, so the Big Mac never appealed to me. But maybe I should try the Big Mac sooner or later. My first Big Mac.

Sort of sabotage that, or just wait it out. Can we help this guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think wait it out is the right answer. Wait it out is the right answer. His rival is going to be gone. That's where I disagree with you. It's not that he's going to move on.

It's his rivals are going to move on. That's what I said. Well, then I agree. Oh, yeah. Did you miss the whole point of what I said? I thought you were saying he was going to move on because he was. I said the British dude that's good at everything is not going to stay at McDonald's. Yeah.

You were thinking of your answer while I was talking. Obviously. And now that I got it, I have to agree. You only thought of it now. And I agree. If you're a king and you have a rival, you've got to keep them close, right? And the McDonald's is his domain. He should theoretically

want it to do well. So he should be happy that he's got this British servant, if you will. It's like a mini revolutionary war happening when this is McDonald's. American versus British. Maybe he can warn people Paul Revere style.

This kid is like Varys or something. Got it. Maybe I should watch Game of Thrones also. I, and this kid is like Varys or something. Got it. Maybe I should watch Game of Thrones also. I'll watch Game of Thrones while eating a Big Mac. Two birds, one throne. Get it done. Like Game of Thrones, if anything happens, like if he ousts you,

you can just burn the McDonald's down. Jesus. That was in Game of Thrones. No, it wasn't. Sure. You just want him to burn a McDonald's. Let's take a quick break. We'll come back.

More Rhett and Link. More questions and answers right after this. We promise to talk even more about McDonald's. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o! DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct.

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Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one first stop, one stop yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah.

How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday.

So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. vision lifters yeah vision lifters with a z and not where you think and it's not biz with a z so if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments.

Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we have returned. What just happened? An ad? We all fell asleep.

We all took a 21-hour nap. Yeah, I think an ad. An ad should have just happened. If all went well, an ad just happened. It was great. Thank you. Rhett was convinced. He's there now.

Taking action, man. On his way to loot the undies right now. I'm at the link. He's eating a hamburger. Regardless of what the ad was, he just He's there now. Taking action, man. On his way to loot the undies right now. I'm at the link. He's eating a hamburger, regardless of what the ad was. He just wanted a Big Mac. You guys have a book? Is that true? Yeah, Rhett and Link's Book of Mythicality.

What's the deal with the book? It's coming out in October. You can preorder it now at bookofmythicality.com. But it's essentially, when we started it, we were like, well, what can we do that is sort of like bringing Good Mythical Morning, our daily variety show, into the literary form? We talk about all kinds of stuff that interests us. So it kind of started as like a fact book,

but then quickly it turned into more of a memoir. We ended up kind of telling stories from our shared past. We'd known each other forever since we were in first grade. Whoa, you met each other in first grade? Yeah, so we just tell a bunch of stories from our childhood and growing up and went to college together and then, you know, even some of the stories

as adults and we're kind of exploring what mythicality is, which is kind of just the way that we live our lives so if you want to be like us, you'll read this book. I want to be like you. Yeah. Me too.

So the subtitle is A Field Guide to Creativity, Curiosity, and Tomfoolery. Very good. Tomfoolery. I like that. It's a cool name, actually. I'm going to start going by Tomfoolery. That'll be me now. Well, the funny thing was is is like, after we came up-

It's gonna seem like you wrote our book, too, which is perfect. We came up with a subtitle. Uh-huh. And then it was, you know, it had gotten through everything. It was officially out there on Amazon and everywhere else where you could get it. And then Link is like, is Tomfoolery a racial slur? I was like, I don't think so. Suddenly, I went white.

I was like, oh, no. Is there some root to this word that is racially motivated? You got to be careful. Thankfully, it has nothing to do with anything racial. Yeah. Who is this? It's like a Tomcat kind of thing or something. Got it.

I don't know where it comes from. But if it was like Uncle Tomfoolery. Yeah, Uncle Tomf original Tom? It's like a Tomcat kind of thing or something. Got it. I don't know where it comes from. But if it was like Uncle Tomfoolery. Yeah, Uncle Tomfoolery would be bad. Right, but it had nothing to do with that at all. That's actually the book Jake and I are writing, which is sort of like racist little foolish pranks that you can play on people of all ethnicities. Good Lord.

That's awesome. You said it comes out in October. Yeah. But available now. Yeah, you know You said it comes out in October. Yeah. But available now. Yeah, you know, there's a whole system now. If you write a book, you've got to get all the pre-orders in because they count towards. Once the book is out, it's boring. It's passe.

Nobody cares about the actual book. I've been thinking about just making a book that's only pre-order, never comes out. That's a great idea. If you could do the cover art. Yeah, the cover art, pre cover art pre-order will come out in 20 let's say 19 get it now you get you you get the pre-orders 10 000 100 000 at 10 a pop suddenly you're a millionaire you don't have to write a book or you can whatever 10 000 or 100 000 it's like a kickstarter at that point yeah for a product that will once again never be released. So again, like a Kickstarter.

So you remember the coolest cooler, that thing? It was that crazy cooler? Oh, yeah. I vaguely remember that. That was like $195 and it had a blender in it. Yeah, he raised like $3 million. No, he raised $15 million for it. One five.

And it's a cooler that had everything on it. And he made one and took it to Panama. And then all of a sudden, all this shady stuff started happening, and he said he needed $15 million more to complete the whole thing. And then he had all this stuff filed against him. There's a dude that just released a YouTube video

that kind of chronicles the whole thing. He just blew that money. But you can still get one. Did he try to make the coolest blender? Did he try to do it? He did. And you can get it

on Amazon for 200 bucks. And it's the coolest cooler. Oh yeah. It just happens to have a blender. I apologize. And like a Bluetooth speaker and stuff.

It's stuff. Super heavy. You know, $15 million. It's like an everything bagel, but it's cooler. But you can get it. Apparently you can get it. And listen, I may be completely wrong here, but my understanding from watching one video was

you can get it on Amazon. You can go and buy it if it's in stock, but not everyone who gave the money up front automatically got a cooler. A lot of those people are still waiting for their cooler. Instead they just got a video saying, hey thanks for the cash, we'll try to make the cooler soon. So it's not exactly like a pre-order

that never materializes, but that's the problem when you've got a really good Kickstarter idea. But we should clarify, the book is written. It's real. We have done this. So it's not a scam. Definitely, it is guaranteed. So if you're on the page for the cooler right now,

open a new tab. Again, their cooler comes out in October. I think I might be misremembering certain things, but Rhett and Link have a cooler coming out in October. Oh my god. Actually, let's answer one more question. maybe two more if we got the time.

Sure. Yeah. Let's do rapid fire, too. Okay. So we'll try to give some quick answers. All right. This one actually happens in October. Hey, guys.

Oh, wait. Link, do you have a fake guy's name for this guy? Gerard. Very nice. Gerard Giovanni. You want your name to be Gerard. Very nice. It seems like Gerard Giovanni. You want your name to be Gerard. You said it in a way that was like, You saw it in my eyes.

I'm Gerard? Gerard, right. So in October, I broke up with my girlfriend of two years. I broke up with her because I couldn't see a permanent future together and thought it was better to end it. I think this caught her off guard.

A few days ago, we met for the first time since the breakup to swap possessions and talk about things. She lives about an hour's drive away, so we wouldn't have bumped into each other. The talk went really well for about four hours. It was very friendly, understanding, and balanced. Towards the end of the conversation, the idea of friends with benefits came up, and we decided to go with it and proceeded to have some pretty amazing sex. Afterwards, we parted away as friends. Is there any way of this actually going to work out?

I feel like there are a lot of ways it could go wrong, but at the same time, who wants to turn down free hot sex? Any advice would be appreciated. Love, Gerard. This is a very Gerard question. Yeah, right. I sound like the kind of thing Gerard would get. Double G. Well, I've never turned is a very Gerard question. Yeah, right. Double G. Well, I've never turned it down, but I've never been offered it.

Zero for zero. You miss a thousand percent of the shots you don't take. First impressions, what do you guys think? Gerard, I'm sorry. That's how I felt at the top. Then I was like, oh, congratulations. But I'm ultimately, if I'm to boil it all down, sorry and then i'm is how i felt at the top and then i was like oh congratulations but i'm i'm

ultimately if i'm to boil it all down it's like there's no way this is gonna work yeah well did he say that you got to drive an hour to get together and it's like they didn't have more investment than i think they didn't agree right it wasn't like she's she's still he thought it caught her off guard right is that what he said oh the breakup it caught her off guard, right? Is that what he said? Oh, the breakup caught her off guard. And then they had a four-hour conversation that was balanced and ended in them having sex and discussing being friends with Ben. Because I think it would be very different if you had both kind of just come to the conclusion that like, one of those like, I think we both know this relationship's over.

Yeah. And then the emotional quotient is like even. Yeah, yeah. Four hours is not enough to get so unblindsided that she actually is only thinking that the benefits is enough. This is not free hot sex. Yeah, not free. This is not free hot sex.

This is just inexpensive hot sex that comes with a lot of emotional strings. No, there's like a lot of... This is hot sex with a bill at the end. Oh, yeah. But an emotional bill. Yeah, right. Yeah. The worst kind. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't I don't fully understand being with someone for two years, breaking up, having blindsided and like turning down free hot sex. Like free hot sex seems like the sex you have after you break up with a stranger, not with girl that you just broke up with for two years that that part really doesn't compute it's also not that casual to drive an hour to see each other for like a friend with benefit situation well if you think about it they can both drive half an hour meet in the middle and then they're like having sex in a car yeah which actually is pretty hot. So I changed my mind. All right. Would you... Shit, I'm into it. Real quick, if you were them, would you have casual, hot sex, friends with benefits situation

with someone you just broke up? Yes or no? No. Stick with your plan A, man. I think I would try it for a while. Yeah. I would try it for a while, but it would be a big mistake. So learn from him.

You can have lots of free hot sex with a ton of strangers without going back to your ex. Yeah, I would say don't do it. You have more hot sex single than you do with a friend with benefits. I think this has come up before. The least hot sex is sex with someone

that you've been sleeping with for the last two years and just broke up with. It's always kind of hot to sleep with your ex. Just once, though. So it's like, it's boring just broke up with. It's always kind of hot to sleep with your ex. Just once, though. So it's like, it's boring, boring, boring. Let's break up.

Oh, now it's hot to have sex with the same person you shouldn't be doing it. Just about the context. I think what you're forgetting, though, is how hot it is to exchange your stuff. That's the part that he mentioned that I'm like, ooh, yeah. Sex is kind of always hot, isn't it? It's still sex. All right. Oh, by stuff, I meant your possessions.

Oh, I thought you were talking about bodily fluids. No, they had to exchange their things because they were breaking up. Yeah, this is your sweater. That's hot. Oh, baby. Let's answer another quick sexy one, just since we're all here.

How about you give a first name you give a last name we combine to make one ultimate fake man uh smibbins that's good smurphy smibbin smurphy who was the ghost writer on your book uh need some advice my girlfriend and i have been dating for about four months and things are going great we communicate well we love spending time, and neither of us are bored. Here comes the problem. We don't have a place to have sex. I currently live with my parents.

She lives with her aunt and uncle, who I haven't met yet. Normally, I would seize the cheese at my place in the basement. Those were the old days. I recently found out that the vent in my basement leads to my brother's and parents' room so they can hear everything. With that thought in my head, I'm on a one-way trip to Limpsville, and she's paranoid about it as well. Any suggestions as to where we can have sex to help a brother out? We thought about a little Airbnb or hotel room, but they can get pricey. P.S. Both of us are in our early 20s and don't know if this matters,

but we live in Canada. Oh, it matters. The funny thing is, I was going to ask, where do they live? Because outdoor sex is some of the best sex that you can have. Outdoor sex.

Nature sex. Yeah. I've never had outdoor sex. Yeah, I mean, you gotta be discreet about it. Where do you go? Tell us about it, Rhett. I mean, had outdoor sex. Yeah, I mean, you've got to be discreet about it. Where do you go? Tell us about it, Rhett. I mean, beaches.

Wow. That is really... Why are you looking at me? You remember Hawaii. You guys both, I feel like you've never had outdoor sex? No. I've had plenty of outdoor. We're like, this room is broken up appropriately.

You're horrified. I'm into it. So Canada is a problem. You do it in the summer, yeah. I don't know. I mean, a nice weatherproof sleeping bag. Oh, interesting. Body heat.

Camping. You get the right bag, especially with another person in it. You can get a bag. You're putting a body heat. Nothing's going to freeze off. You can get a two-person bag. Yeah. Nothing's going gonna freeze off?

No. I think this is, again, every- It gives you incentive to work harder. It's just an opportunity. So it doesn't freeze off. This is one of those classic circumstances in life where your limitations lead to innovation, right? Yeah, necessity is the mother of investment.

Exactly, and I think that this is, you can't be complaining about it. Definitely, you know, not at her house, not at your house. Don't sneak around. Find a good sleeping bag, a two-person sleeping bag. That's nice. And find some nice spots. I mean, it's Canada.

I mean, that's the problem with Los Angeles is it's very difficult to get away from people, even on the beach. But there, I mean, you just kind of walk a couple of miles in any direction. You can find some real seclusion. Yeah. It's like Fargo over there. Right. Just a snowy bank. Yeah.

Have you guys ever been caught doing this outdoor style? No. You've been caught? Not like caught. Nobody was ever like, hey, stop. But there have been plenty of times where like, hey, stop. That's what she was saying. Jesus Christ, man.

Hey, all right, you caught me. Hands up, still gyrating. Yeah, I've been like walked in. I've been discovered for sure. Outdoors, you're talking about? Yes, outdoors. Was it a beach, a forest, a park? I've had sex in some very, very public places actually.

For example? A bar. A bar? A bar. The corner of it. Indoors? Yes. For example? A bar. A bar? A bar. The corner of it. Indoors? Yes. Indoor in the middle of a bar?

Yeah. So like not outdoors like in nature, but like in a bar. So walk us through that. I really don't want to. Is it a rectangle? I mean, you're already at the most embarrassing part. Yeah, yeah. You can save a little face.

Is it just an open rectangle? You're by the dartboard fucking somebody? It literally was a dartboard, yeah. So is there like a hallway that's secluded? There's like a little, there's the bar, and then there's sort of like, it was an L. Like an alcove. Yeah, the dartboard was an alcove, and it was dark. So next to the bathroom, or just like this hallway to nowhere?

It was a hallway to nowhere. It was a hallway, the hallway was like a long little hallway towards the dartboard, but the light was off. Were people throwing darts around you? You're like dodging darts. Pin the tail on my ass. What a party game. What's the discussion? Is there like a negotiation?

No discussion in that situation. No, it was, I mean, everybody's made out in a bar, right? That happens all the time. So that was happening And It just For some reason It just progressed

For some reason Yeah it was such a weird reason Well I think we were saying like We should go Let's like Let's go home somewhere But she couldn't And I couldn't

And there was like Nowhere else to go And there was a hallway Yeah And there just happened to be a hallway Yeah Well then But I didn't get caught that time Nowhere else to go. And there was a hallway. Yeah. And there just happened to be a hallway. Yeah. Well done.

But I didn't get caught that time. The time I got caught was on the beach. I was like having sex and somebody walked by. And they didn't say anything. With a metal detector. Y'all see any glass bottles or... Is that what they're looking for? Oh, yeah. I guess the opposite of glass.

Was there a blanket involved? Yeah, but we were above it. Above the blanket? Yeah, on top of the blanket. Wow. Nobody's going to stop you. Yeah, I think in that situation. You're just as horrified when you walk right up to two people having sex as you are if you're having the sex.

Yeah, can you imagine? Nobody wants to acknowledge anything in that moment. What kind of human would be like, hey, stop that? Hey, you quit it, you two. I guess if you were with your sex. Yeah, can you imagine? Like, nobody wants to acknowledge anything in that moment. What kind of human would be like, hey, stop that. Hey, you quit it, you two. I guess if you were with your family and you saw that. Well, that happened to that couple on the beach. I don't know, this was in the news a year ago or so.

And they both got charged with something pretty serious. But they were- Triple homicide. They were like on a crowded beach. Oh, they just went to town. I think I remember that. I think they may have been a blanket involved. I don't know the details, but it was like, yeah, we've got kids and families all around.

Right. If it's the middle of the night and somebody's taking a beach walk and you're discovered, that seems more fine, more acceptable. Have you ever seen that, I think it was an old internet video of two people having sex during a baseball game or something like that? In the stands, somebody was zooming in. You're like, wait a minute. That woman is riding that guy in the bleachers. Yeah, I remember that. I do get it, though.

I mean, baseball is rather boring. Yeah, that's true. I do get it, though. I mean, baseball is rather boring. Yeah, that's true. And sex makes boring things exciting. Yeah. I'm glad we can agree. I don't like to involve darts in my intimacy, though. That makes a ton of sense. That is scary.

Yeah. At worst, skee-ball, but darts. Right. Or what's the sack of- Cornhole? Cornhole. Oh, yeah. That's at least linguistically appropriate.

Right. It's getting closer. Good man. All right. So nature walks? Nature sex? That's the- Outdoor sex.

Yeah, yeah. Outdoor sex. I dig it. I'm with that. Yeah, I'm down. I mean, I've never had it, but it seems fine if you're okay with it. I think we're out of time, but is there anything left you guys wanted to talk about before we head on out?

Have you ever had sex with a Big Mac? In the beach. I'm fucking a Big Mac watching Game of Thrones on my phone. Now that's tomfoolery. And we're back. Yes. One last time, the book, name?

Bookofmythicality.com, where you can pre-order Rhett and Link's Book of Mythicality. Tight. Of course, you can find us on YouTube. Oh, yeah. So how do people watch your YouTube videos? Well, you could probably try not to watch one of our videos. And if you go to YouTube, eventually one is going to be served up for you. But Good Mythical Morning is our daily show.

Daily video show. Yeah. And we've got a YouTube Red series called Buddy System as well. Season one is out. And we may or may not be working on a second season. Ooh! Jake and I are coming on your show.

Yes. Would you guys come on our show? Definitely. Jake and I are coming on your show Yes Would you guys come on our show? Definitely So hopefully maybe that episode will be out I don't know how much you bank in the future We gonna get you to eat something nasty Oh boy Can't wait

It's a big bag Alright cool Thanks Rhett and Link for coming by Yeah thanks for having us Super fun Glad to finally do this Yes Opening theme song was written by Alex Sexton.

Closing theme song is by Joseph. I think he had a cool name. Let me look that up. That wasn't Joseph? No, he had like a, oh yeah, his stage name is The Last True American Hero. Wow. It's a long song. It's a little jazzy, so we're going to close with it.

And if you have your own questions or theme song submissions, that email for everything is ifire were you show at gmail.com thanks again guys we'll be back next week if i were you for jake and amir if i were you i would be wearing those shoes I'd marry Susie Lou cause she's not like those other girls you're into

if I were you I'd drive your Lamborghini real fast Pick up Tracy Chapman, we'd have my money, not spend it on cocaine and others like you're prone to do. And if I were you, I'd call my mom and tell her I love you call my dad and tell him thank you for paying for my extravagant lifestyle even though i'm 22 and if i were you i'd buy my friend joe some sweet cake and maybe tickets to go see the next.

If I were you, for Jake and Amir. That was a HeadGum Podcast.