Segments - 264: Seal the Deal

Episode Date: March 20, 2017

In this episode we discuss typewriting, massaging, and videochatting. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. When I was a young boy I watched a podcast show online Called If I Were You Show online, called if I were you. You had Jake, the cool dude, the master, the one who got the pussy and manned the loser with no friends. And ate only chicken nuggets.

And gave pink eye to his dates. Email if I were you show. At gmail.com if you want. To get shit on by old men. Wow. Oh, wow. Stuck the landing. Absolutely stuck it. Yeah, indeed.

Ten for the dismount. Holy shit. Ten for the voice. That was a My Chemical Romance cover, actually. do you think that guy sings all the time? the one that contributed to this the one who wrote this and recorded this theme song no it's

he made a reference to his name is Robert but you don't have to shout him out unless it somehow can get him into medical school so I think he has like different ambitions right that's good

yeah the lyrics are great uh huh the song is great. The voice is fine. And I appreciate the effort. It's really hard to sing. Who's the My Chemical Romance singer? He has such a distinct, cool

voice. Yeah. It's almost like Freddie Mercury, almost. When I was... Did they have any other songs too? That's such a popular song. What's another popular My Chemical Romance song? I think they had a bigger song. Really? Teenagers scare like, teenagers scare the

living shit out of me. You know that song? No. What about Teenage Dirtbag? That was from Wheatus. Oh, okay. So that's a different one. That guy had a unique voice too. Yeah. And what about Flavor of the Week? Ooh. Her boyfriend, he don't know. That was American Hi-Fi. Oh, that one's a different one. That guy had a unique voice, too. Yeah. And what about Flavor of the Week?

Ooh. Her boyfriend, he don't know. That was American Hi-Fi. Oh, that one's a good song. Uh-huh. I think I had this idea before, but there should be an agreement between all these bands where they just get to play each other hits. That'd be nice. So My Chemical Romance gets to sing Flavor of the Week.

They should. We're all there to hear the same 21 songs, and it's a shame that My Chemical Romance gets to sing Flavor of the Week. It should. We're all there to hear the same 21 songs, and it's a shame that My Chemical Romance only wrote one or two of them. You weren't there at this thing, but a bunch of us from work a decade ago went to, I forget what it was called, but Everclear put it on, and it was Everclear and Lit. Oh, yeah, it was like the 90s tour. Yeah, and some other, I don't know, I forget what it was called, but like Everclear put it on and it was like Everclear and lit. Oh yeah, it was like the 90s tour. Yeah.

And some other, and like, I don't know, the guys that sang Butterfly or something, but not them, but like something like that. Yeah. And it was so exciting. Like when Everclear sang like, you know, they had like the most songs. They had like five or six songs that everybody was into. Wanna put my tender heart in a blender. That's not Everclear, but they should be able to play that one.

That's Eve 6. Oh, that's right. In my brain, it's E-V-E, and then I forget about the Erclear. That makes sense. What's Everclear? Who do they sing? Everclear, they sing that song, Santa Monica, you know, like, bono, bono, bono.

We will live beside the ocean. Yeah, yeah. And then they also sing, everything is wonderful now. Yeah, that seems like the same song. And like, father of mine. I mean, they're all like the same. It's all one 21-minute song. Anyway, but like Lit played, and they have like three songs,

but they had like a 30 minute set And you're like, what are we gonna Just play My Own Worst Enemy nine times We're not here to discover new Lit songs, Lit Actually, we're gonna go from the new album Yeah, like you're touring based on the popularity Of your old albums Of your three songs

Well, anyway Thanks to Robert for writing that And thanks to Lit for writing My Own Worst Enemy. Man, that's a good song. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Dun-dun-dun. Oh, God, that song's great. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the interweb

hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. Episode comes out after our Australia and Austin shows. After all of them? But I think we're recording it. Or no, we're definitely recording it before. I believe all of them? But I think we're recording it. Or no, we're definitely recording it before. I believe it comes out after. I think we're recording it before.

I think I haven't been there yet. But it's always fun to record right before we go on tour because our life is going to be drastically different in 11 days. I know. Holy shit. What's going to happen? Yeah. I don't know.

Let's find out. I had a vision that I was going to die, actually. So let's gonna happen? Yeah, I don't know. Let's find out. I had a vision that I was gonna die, actually, so let's see if that comes true. Yeah, but, like, if you have that vision a lot, like, even if it finally happens, I'm not gonna give you, like, the fucking attaboy for that. Yeah, because I've been wrong a fucking million times, and then it finally hits? Yeah, you're not gonna be like, I told you so as we fucking crash. Like, no way. You get five premonitions before I give a shit about the one that hits. It's absolutely fair, to be honest.

All right. So these are, as always, real people, real emails, fake names. This one is written with someone who has a fake name given in the email. So I think we should call him that. Okay. So he says, well, it starts off by saying, first of all, please call me Mr. McQueefington. We could never have come up with a better name. So thank you.

Love the show. Been a huge fan of yours since College Humor. And I am in need for advice. Is there a Mrs. McQueefington? Nice. Thank you. Is there a Mrs. Mr. McQueefington? Call me Dr. Mr. McQueefington? Nice. Thank you. Is there a Mrs. Mr. McQueefington? Call me Dr. Mr. McQueefington.

I'm a 21-year-old guy living in L.A., and I find it difficult to close the deal with girlies. It's been over a year since I got laid. I'm great at approaching them and holding a conversation, but by the end of the night, we end up parting ways, and I never seem to see them again. So I guess my question would be, Jake, what are your top tips for sealing the deal? I need to seize the cheese, and I'd rather not end up killing myself in a Starbucks. Thanks, Mr. McQueefington. So there is not a Mrs. Mr. McQueefington. He's trying to find the Mrs. Mr. McQueefington. He's trying to find the Mrs. Mr. McQueefington. Are there specific quote unquote closing tips or is it just the same tips

and as an aggregate at the end of the night, you hope that they add up to somebody wanting to sleep with you? I mean, there's nothing that like, there's no tried and true formula. It's, shucks, man. Some of us are born with it you know what i mean i'm just sort of hot and funny that's uh that's good and now i'm famous and pretty rich so could you get any of that done jesus that was awesome uh No, let's see.

I think, first of all, it helps to not give a fuck. And it's hard to even pretend to not give a fuck when you give a lot of a fuck. So you have to be willing to walk away? Yeah, you really do. So you're saying not push it, press it. Yeah, I mean, don't lay all your cards out on the table like, hey, I really want you to come home with me now. I want you to come home with me now. I want you to come home with me tonight. Right.

It's always, I guess I always find it easier to extend the night in ways that aren't like, come back to my house. So if it's like, we had one drink at one bar, like, well, hey, let's check out this other place. I like this other spot too. Then you've gotten two drinks and you're like, it's getting later and later.

And then you're like, let's get another drink or let's go to this restaurant or something. This after hour spot. Yeah, an after hour spot. I don't know why I said food somewhere. I would never do that. So there's that. And then there's also the notion that like, I couldn't entirely tell from this email, but it seemed like he sort of, if it's not one and out, then he starts from scratch somewhere else.

Yeah, like you can build a little bit. Yeah, it's fine to have sex on the second, third, fourth, fifth date too. Six, get the fuck out of here. It's been too long. I think he can at the very least get some sort of form of communication, a phone number, an email address, a Snapchat, an Instagram. Keep the line of communication open. And sometimes when you don't go for it really hard at first, that only pays dividends down the road. Yeah, people appreciate, I think people underestimate how annoying it is for girls to be hit on by desperate guys.

So when you're just normal, you really don't have to be much better than that, though you should be. But I can't even tell you how many times I've been on first dates and people have just been taking a breath and be like, you're normal. Thank God.

Yeah, this is good. This is good. You're not insane. I didn't even have to do anything good or impressive yet. Just by not being a needy creep. A needy creepy. Or a creedy neepy. And then when they say, thank God you're normal, you just look at them and start smiling and shaking.

Oh, you have no idea how normal I am. What's that? I can't do the Hannibal Lecter thing. That's your inhaler. What was my question? It wasn't a question. One-night stands are tough.

I don't have a ton of one-night stands. You're saying you build a little bit? Yeah, I'm just good at building, and then I'm good at spinning lots of plates, so it sort of seems like you have a lot of one-night stands, but really it's just a lot of one-night stands. But really, it's just like a bunch of hookup buddies. Yeah, one-night stands seems like it has to be very mutually agreed upon. It's hard to convince somebody who's not down to do that.

I don't even like one-night stands that much, to be honest. Why is that? I like having sex one time with people that I know well. That's nicer. So it's like one- night stands in that way. Like we'll only have sex once. Got it. So think of it as a Hanukkiah.

You're hanging out one, two, three, four. Oh, yeah, pop. That's the shamash. Yeah. And then you're back down to a five, six, seven, eight. Forever. Oh, it's a forever. It's a long Hanukkiah.

It doesn't end after eight days, eight dates, eight crazy dates. Yeah, but it's sort of like one, I guess like one night of fire. I like the Seamus. Yeah, the Shamash. The Shamash. Yeah. And then like that's the last night of Hanukkah.

Then the rest of the ones are just, they all actually did run out. Oh, you like the ones where the Shamash is like off to the right. Yeah, a little lopsided Hanukkah. Oh, yeah, that's nice. So you prefer not to just sleep with somebody you just met that day? I mean, that's obviously fine, too. But I think if I was like, my preferences and what I do most, it's probably like infrequent hookups with people that I kind of know. Right.

So it's almost like spinning plates rather than catching something that night. Yeah, that catch and release or whatever. Yeah, like a fish. That ain't my shit. I also, personally, I feel like I don't attract the type of ladies that like one night stands either. I feel like I attract the type of ladies that appreciate the slow play like that. Which is fine. You're going to get chlamydia a lot less, if at all.

That's true. I have had chlamydia a lot less recently. I'm down to not having it. I had it a lot last year. Now I'm just totally at zero again, which I prefer, really, honestly, if I'm talking quite frankly and candidly. All right, so maybe pump the brakes a bit.

Don't worry about sealing the deal, as you say, that night. As it were. Keep the conversation open, and then it'll eventually happen. And use your first name instead of, like, Mr. McQueefington when you introduce yourself to people. Yeah, the problem is I see it in the email signature. It's Fartsmith. Fartsmith McQueefington?

Yeah. That's such a tough name. Yeah. Fartsmith McQueefington. Well, I guess you go by your middle name. Oh, no. Yeah, that's even worse. What are you talking about? It's already Fartsmith McQueefington. I know. What could be possibly worse?

It says Cockrash. Fartsmith Cockrash McQueefington. Absolutely insane. His parents damned him to hell. He had no option. He had no other option. Fartsmith Cock Rash McQueefington. Here's an email.

A similar email. Similar sphere. Different person. Let's call this person Mr. Mc... It's weird because when I say pussy fart, that's considered a queef blue yeah like that's off color but mr mcqueefington got away with it yeah well cock rash was pretty blue of course uh let's call this guy dude smith hey dudes dude smith here i'm a 25 year old coy guy who has a history of being the worst when it comes to girls like real bad so bad that at 25 i've never had a Oh.

That's right. Should I give up or is my dick doomed to stay as dry as the Sahara desert, or do I still have a shot? I also live at home with my parents because I can't afford to move out right now, and I fear woman won't go for that. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. Thoughts?

What durst do you do when you're 25 and living at home and you have never had sex? I feel like this is a good place to start. It's nowhere to go but up. You're at zero right now. So I feel like you got a lot of room for improvement. Zilch. Nada.

And I'm all about the micro improvements. You can get a haircut. All about the micro improvements. You can grow with the micro-improvements. You can get a haircut. All about the micro-improvements. You can grow with macro-improvements. No artificial improvement. Growing hair, cutting hair, gaining weight, losing weight, shaping, sculpting, spending six months sort of making, trending towards a better physical you. I like that. That's actually really good advice.

For the first time in your goddamn life, you hit the nail on the head. Which is what? You thought of something I wasn't thinking of. Which is what? I was going to tell this guy to jump off a fucking bridge.

Jesus. His dick was doomed to stay as dry as the Sahara. That's the best way to lose weight. And now I see the light. That makes a ton of sense. Yeah.

You've got, you're like in a shitty spot right yeah and he wants perhaps rock bottom he's trying to go to zero zero to 100 yeah like he wants to go from like virgin in his mom's basement feeling sorry for himself to fucking tens right yeah so i think you're right you take the girls out the equation. You make the goal self-improvement. Six months, you're like, hey, we're going to table sex for six whole months. If you can handle it. Like, I'm not even going to think about sex. I'm going to think about getting an eight pack or whatever it may be.

Right. You, you know, you go on a diet, you exercise, you take in some literature, nurture your body, nurture your mind, practice yoga, meditate. All that good stuff. Like upgrade your wardrobe slowly if you have to, if you can't afford it. Yeah. Shout out MeUndies, that's what's up. Suddenly you're feeling better. Yeah.

More confident. Six, eight months down the road, you're feeling good, you're looking good, you're feeling better. Yeah. More confident. Six, eight months down the road, you're feeling good. You're looking good. You're feeling confident. That's going to exude from you. Yeah. And that's going to attract you a mate. Then you take that attitude.

You reintroduce yourself to all the people that knew you back then. They're impressed. They've seen the improvement. And you can even join a dating app or a dating website suddenly you're not the bottom of the barrel anymore you're at the middle of the barrel which is a great place to be because you probably are you have the personality of someone who used to be a loser which is probably the best kind of personality to have because your confidence is at an all-time low heck i want to fuck you and i will will. And I have your email address. I'll reach out to you.

I'll make it happen. Thanks, pussy fart. No, dude Smith. He says, I also live at home with my parents because I can't afford to move out right now. And I fear women won't go for that. Maybe don't bring that up right away. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, again, that's also not a permanent thing. That's something you can strive for. You say, like, I live with my parents to save money, not because I can't afford

anything else. A lot of people do that. Yeah. I'm trying to save money to do something even better with myself. I donate so much money to charity that I feel bad

even spending it on myself. Totally. The best situation to be in is one where, like that you know you have a tangible uh goal problem is like when you if we get email sometimes people they've already like you know they have what they thought they wanted and they're there and now they don't even know what to strive for this guy sees the the map the plan it's set for him. So this is kind of a good place to be. So it's almost like all the negative stuff you're saying is a positive because you're starting

from a place where you know where to go and you probably know how to get there. So send us a picture of you. We'll locate all your problem areas. We'll let you know. I'll highlight that. I want to fucking Richard Simmons this dude real bad. What does that mean? I was listening to that Richard Simmons podcast, and he would meet people at these mall shows, these really overweight, unhappy people. Yeah. And he would change their life in an instant, be like, today, it starts now, right?

And then you think they would never hear from him again. Uh-huh. And then a week later, he would call them, and then he would call them every single week for a decade, two decades. They lose 100 pounds. He's just a fucking hero. Jesus. Yeah, Richard Simmons is the man. And now he's just gone?

Essentially. He's missing? Yeah, everybody should check out that podcast. After you rate and subscribe this one. That's right. You have to write us five stars leave a review it's all good because it's all now it's helping us on itunes and we appreciate climbing the charts yet again always as always all right let's answer one more question i want chart blanch. Nice. Thank you. John Davies. John Wilkes Davies writes, a few weeks ago, I got out of a longish term relationship. I've had a lot of my girlfriend's stuff in my room at college, and I gave it all back to her. However, her roommate also reminded

me that I had my ex-girlfriend's Game Boy SP and a copy of Pokemon Leaf Green, which I left at home. Now I'm home for spring break, and I'm getting ready to give it back to her. But here's my question. Should I delete the save file I created and have been working on? I've logged close to 100 hours on it, and my Pokedex is extremely close to completion. Even my national Pédex. It's obviously the save file is just my name. So I can see why she wouldn't like that.

But I also don't want it to seem like I did it as a slap in the face because I don't want her to enjoy the fruits of my labor. So I'm a little confused. What do you think I should do? Love, John Wilkes Davies. That's actually a little confused. What do you think I should do? Love, John Wilkes Davies. That's actually a good question. I think if it were me, I would leave it in there and pretend like I didn't even look or play.

Yeah, just play dumb. Yeah. It's like unfollowing someone on Instagram. That shows an extra level of effort. Right. Whereas if you really truly didn't care, you would either keep following them, or, in this case, not delete your saved Pokedex game

on their Game Boy SP and copy of Pokemon Leaf Green. Yeah, of course. I mean, you can't even play Leaf Green on a Pokedex, and if you're on an asshole. You're just as much of a nerd as this dude is. You're lucky that you like basketball instead of video games. It could have gone either way. Every day you should pray to the only God you know that you fucking like sports.

For whatever reason, instead of sci-fi you had to be nerdly obsessed with something at least it's like a cool macho shit god himself just fucking threw a dart at a board and it landed on football it could have easily fucking shifted one inch to the left of star trek one inch to the right to i don. Oh, God. I guess that would have been fine, actually, too. Eh. Yeah. I don't know. You liking sports really helps us out in the real world.

I guess everybody has an obsession. Yeah. You have to spend your time doing something. I know. And mine's porn. It's really annoying. It's so dumb. How sucky is that?

It worked like during Gay vs. Podcast. Yeah, that's true. It works during like dude conversations. Yeah. Like when people are finally opening up and having dude talks. Yeah, that's true. I sort of like retreat a little bit and you're like, let's fucking talk. Like what porn do you like?

I always get so dirty after those talks. I'm always like a little bit buzzed and i'm just like it just like bro it's really locker room it really is locker room talk uh what does this guy do i think you it's nice that he's trying to be so thoughtful yeah you're you're definitely overthinking it. I imagine she's not going to care either way. I think that's the real answer. Yeah. But you might as well just leave it in there in case she wants to change the name and have the amazing Pokédex.

Yeah, you leave it in there. You're avoiding the worst case scenario, which is her thinking you deleted it on purpose. So you're avoiding that conversation. What about changing the name? Can you do that? Well, that's a whole other thing. Why did you change your name? Yeah, just leave it. Leave it in.

Give it back. I don't know what a Pokedex is, but it sounds fucking hot. It really sounds hot. Whoa, I can't even say that word correctly. What's wrong with you? The opposite of cold is hot. This is Whoa, I can't even say that word correctly. What's wrong with you? The opposite of cold. Is what? Is hot. This is so weird.

If a girl is like a 10 out of 10, she's sexy. Yeah. What? Hot. Whoa. This is insane. Hat. Hit.

Het. Hot. Hot. And lastly, but not leastly. Hot. Oh, shit. Jesus. I don't know, man there we go all right great uh let's take a break we'll be right back with more questions and answers after this thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats.

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because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah, running is when you run, and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on.

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Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks,draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love.

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It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ad somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. We have returned. Did you get your first massage ever today? I sure did.

Really? Your first one ever? My first massage ever. Never gotten a massage? Never. I guess I got one from like a significant, a Sig O or something. That's really hot. Yeah.

I've never gotten an actual massage by a professional. And? It rocked my world. It was great. Was it expensive? It was, well, tell me how much you think would be a nice deal for a massage. I would say, I would guess $120 for an hour long massage. All right.

It was 110. Oh, wow. You got a good deal. I sure did. How long was your massage, though? 25 minutes. That's the problem. And she was actually texting for most of it.

And it was the Sig O kind. And she charged me double. Triple. The Seuss did it again. And I had to do the massaging. What the fuck is that? Fair. So hour-long massage.

Will you get it again? Highs and lows. Anything unexpected. All right, so I'd never gotten a massage. I think she did not necessarily know that. So when I walked in, she was like, all right, I'm going to step out. I'm going to clean up, get undressed, get under the table, or under the blanket

and then fully naked or you stay in your B&Bs well this is the problem she like left and I was like I don't know what to do

what's the answer how nude do I go is it my is it like just my shirt I was wearing sweatshorts

and I was like I don't think I go full nude that seems aggressive yeah air on the side of slightly clothed yeah so i did just i just

did underwear yeah okay that felt right yeah um and then that was i mean that was like the biggest hurdle that i faced and then she came back and she said no no that's that won't do i didn't that's way too nude you're supposed to put on the extra clothes. I told you to put on a winter parka. So she comes back. You're under the towel. You're ready for the massage. Oh, yeah.

Face up, down? Face down. I told her that my heel hurt and that my left foot also hurt. Right. Two injured feet. And she just massaged my legs, massaged the feet. Then my upper back, I guess like all over. Just like, fuck.

And man, like I could feel the muscles like moving around and releasing and relaxing. Did she like, you have a knot here? Did she ever do that? Or was like working on a specific thing? She did. She was like, your right foot is like, or your right leg is like way, way tighter than your left. So she spent more time on my right leg. Is your right leg the one that has been hurt for longer?

Yeah, three years. Yeah. So that's the one that was tighter. Yeah. Which makes a ton of sense. But it felt, I mean, it felt nice like to walk after the massage. Like she definitely loosened up the leg a lot. The coolest thing, my favorite part was like, so I flipped over and she was like massaging my arms and my chest.

And then like basically just like lifted my head and sort of like rocked it. Yeah, like rocked it from side to side, up and back. Like, and you don't it's such a strange sensation have you ever just like lie down and have someone hold your head it's so fucking heavy yeah every time it's like a separate part of your body yeah you have to like do something to it right if you're like even just holding it up takes neck muscles and hold it and like lying in bed you can like lift your head up and it's just weird it's a strange sensation to have your head be weightless and she like pulled it a little bit and like cracked the bottom like the base of my neck i don't know that was incredible so if you're rich

you think you have one of those every day i was fantasizing during the massage about head gum becoming like so successful that we have a like a-rise and I can hire this lady to be our in-house masseuse. Wow. And a corporate masseuse or something. We could just go in there and get a massage. So if somebody was like, here's $50,000 this year, but you have to spend it on either a private masseuse or a private chef, what would you choose?

Ooh. I guess, I mean, I don't know. Because you can cook your own food. You can make. You can't massage yourself. Right, that's what I'm saying. It is interesting, though. Like, I mean, private chef is, it's really hard.

That's a hard pill to swallow. I'd hate to lose either. Can I have 100 grand, sir? I guess, yeah. Or like, will you take 25? Oh, you want to start haggling? Yeah, I like only need the private chef during the week. All right, will you take 25? Oh, you want to start haggling? Yeah. I like only need the private chef during the week.

Never mind. Wait a second. How about just dinner? Jeannie! Are you serious? The fuck is that? I didn't make the call that quick. So you're definitely having more massages.

This is the end game. Yeah. I'm going to do it again. I want to find this masseuse because she lives in LA now that I've shouted her out. You think you can maybe find, like, shop around and do, like, or this is the person for you. You're good to go. I guess I've never gotten another massage, but this one seemed like the, I don't know.

It seemed pretty great i it definitely didn't leave me being like i need to go and see who else could do a better job yeah you're like this is this is perfect enough for for my liking yeah all right uh have you ever gotten a massage uh yeah but i don't remember loving it i remember like oh that oh, that was fun. But I wasn't like, I didn't leave like needing to have another one. Right. Well, you know, well, when was it? First of all, maybe a year and a half ago. Oh, that's pretty recent.

What was the occasion? It was funny. I was watching football with Marty on a Sunday. And it was when we were living together. Oh, I kind of remember being on this group text and not being there. Yeah. It was like he found this ad for an app that was like, I bet it doesn't exist anymore,

but it was like Uber but for massagers. So they'll come to your house if you press a button and massage you. Yeah. And it was like supposed to be like $80 for one person, but it was like $80 for two people was the promotion. They're like, all right, yeah, let's get a massage. We'll each pay 4040 and get a massage.

And somebody came to the house, massaged us, and then left. An hour long each? Yeah. That's kind of amazing. I wonder if that app still exists. Where did they set up the table? In the old recording studio. All right.

Anyway, you can find this. I think it looks like it's one down dog.com slash massage oh that's how you found it yeah because i i was doing yoga at one down dog and they're like by the way yeah i got a newsletter and i was like i've always wanted to do a massage one down dog.com slash massage this episode is brought to you by you're just trying to hawk your wares for free massages. If that happens, so be it. I'm not gonna stop it. Alright, let's see if we can answer

a few more questions before we have to GTFO. We gotta pack. We gotta go. That's true. Another dude. This one is about Omegle. Maybe we'll call him Omoliver. People still use Omegle? I guess this guy does. Let's get into it. I'm a 22 year old guy and I've been dating the perfect girl for about two years now.

And I'm very happy aside from the regular things in a long-term relationship, like kind of wishing you were single so you could be young and sleep with random people, et cetera. Recently, while getting very baked, I decided to go on Omegle. And this girl showed me her tits without prompting them, without any prompt from me. And I have to say, after two years of seeing the same titties, it kind of gave me a rush. Needless to say, I've been frequenting Omegle from then on, and my attempts to cyber sex have been quite fruitful. Is that cheating? Should I feel bad?

What are your thoughts on this moral gray area of sorts? Love, I'm Oliver. I'm Oliver. 22 year old. Is Omegle the only one? I thought there was another one too. Chat roulette? Chat roulette. Omegle is basically you open the website and it shows you your video chatting with a stranger. Right. Is that what chat roulette is too? Yeah. And it was a website, you know, designed to meet people. And I would say within 21 minutes

was used primarily for cam horse. Yep. Very quickly did the porn industry usurp Omegle, take over Chatroulette, and it became a cam porn website. Very quickly. So,

Tim, the tool man, Taylor uh is it illegal no is it amoral is it cheating it's i would say it's i don't know calling it a gray area is is almost letting it skate a little too much it's a dark gray area like you are going on omegle for the express purpose of finding someone who's not your girlfriend to get you off yeah but is that like such a far cry from porn yeah where you're like i'm gonna watch a videotape of somebody else to get to get off i think the difference is you can interact with this human and potentially fall in love with them. Right.

It seems to me that almost like... That's true. Yeah. And like intent going both ways, right? Like when somebody films a porno, their like intent is to make a film that gets many people off. And like, who knows? Right. Nameless faces. But when somebody is like on Omegle getting, giving you, like, showing you their breasts,

they're trying to get you specifically off. Like, you're both in this moment that's sexual together. I think you could always put it as, like, no, that's not necessarily true. Because, like, if you're just saying, if my girlfriend knew, would she be really pissed? The answer is obviously yes. Yeah.

But then some girlfriends are mad when The answer is obviously yes. Yeah. But then some girlfriends are mad when guys just look at porn. Right. Or like look at somebody's butt. And I don't necessarily think that that's the healthiest. Well, there's three parties that should be weighted in terms of judging things, cheating v. not. Yes. The one person, the man in this case.

Sure. The other person, the man in this case, the other person, the female in this case, and then the third, a tribunal of non-partisan, non-biased judges. Is that us, or is that the Omegle Camel? That would be me and you, or three strangers

on the street, or perhaps a group of friends that aren't related in any way to these people. They would each rate it on a scale of one to 10. And any score above 20 is cheating. Doesn't this feel like just like one of those petty crimes that it's like, hey, it's not great, but it's also kind of fine. Like he's not, you're not like.

Hence the gray area. Yeah. You're not cheating, cheating, cheating. You're just cheating. You're cheating light. Cheating light. You're diet cheating. Yeah. Now with. Cheating light. You're diet cheating. Yeah.

Now with zero calories. Here's the question, I guess. Like, does this keep him from cheating on his girlfriend? Or is this like the door that leads to him cheating on his girlfriend? Yeah. Is this better or worse than going to a strip club, getting a lap dance? I think worse because at a strip club, you don't ejaculate. Yeah, but you're feeling boobies rather than just seeing boobies.

Yeah, but also at the strip club, that's like somebody's job. And frankly, it depends on the strip club if you're allowed to feel the boobies. Sometimes you're not allowed to touch. During a laptop, it's like physical grinding versus digital. Yeah. But then I think, I mean, I guess everybody would have a different opinion. I think that strip club is a little more playful because you go with a group typically. The people are paid.

They don't actually care about you. On Omegle, it's sort of like two lonely people looking for something to experience and to orgasm together. Yeah. That feels a little more intimate. So you're saying cheating or no cheating, yay or nay? Drum roll. I'm going to tell you that you're feeling guilty, and that's the correct feeling. Do what you want with your guilt. I like the question of should I feel bad.

Yes, you should feel bad. But if you don't, if somebody tells you you should, do you then feel bad? I don't feel bad. Should I feel bad? Yes. Well, I feel pretty bad. Well, you made me feel like shit. Okay, so now you feel bad for the wrong reasons.

You don't feel guilty. You feel bad. I can relate to that, though. I'm pretty good at feeling the way people tell me to. Yeah, just tell me to feel bad or not. All right, feel bad was, I guess, general question the general answer yeah and can you either i think he he can either make a change i mean you could watch porn that's like old recordings of a of a cam show huh there you go yeah and then just pretend you you memorize it

so much that it's like you're basically yeah just and there there are are also some live cams that are with lots and lots of people watching. So maybe it's the one-on-one aspect that's the harder pill to swallow. Yeah. All right. There you have it. One last question? Sure. Yes. one last question sure white noise

sorry I was deflating for a second let's call this guy Moises Alou huh I know baseball players name I remember Moises Alou Moises Alou son of Felipe Alou

writes my name is Moises Alou I'm 23 years old and I'm living in the south I have a boyfriend of about 6 months now who I really like a lot and everything seems to be going swimmingly except for one thing. He's always been really interested in 60s culture. Obsessed with Mad Men. Collects old records.

All that jazz. And recently, he bought a typewriter off a coworker. My problem lies with this typewriter. He says he wants to bring it out with us next time we go to the park and write on it publicly, like in front of people. I just don't think I can handle this. The thought of it just makes me cringe. Am I a bad person because I feel like I would be horrifically embarrassed if I was seen in public with my boyfriend typing on a typewriter? I just feel like they're laughably outdated. You're lugging an incredibly loud 15-pound metal machine around a park that you can just use your laptop. It's

comically inconvenient to me, and I truly feel embarrassed he's even entertaining the idea. Should I express my embarrassment about this, or should I just let him live his life and deal with it? Help me. Please. It's an upgrade from when this guy

brought a printing press to the pool that time. That was way too much. Yeah. He's always bringing this old industrial equipment. He brought a loom to a jacuzzi party. It was so weird. A freaking loom? He was weaving on a loom.

I remember I saw this guy at a B'nai Mitzvah. What is he doing? What did he bring? What machine did he bring? What machine was bring? Like, what machine did he bring? What machine was it? I'm trying to tell you. I want to know what outdated technology. All right.

So he was boot blacking? He was legit, like, hot iron hammering train nails. Horseshoes. Oh, trains. Yeah. Oh, he was making nails. Yeah, he was making friggin' nails. At at the where at the b'nai mitzvah Oh my god, it's crazy. That actually reminds me of something the same dude. Yeah, I think it's the same dude

What was he doing and where what he did what he did? I'll tell you what he did first, but he dragged the world's first supercomputer Yeah, it's the size of a living room Where did he assemble it? I living room. And he assembled it. Where did he assemble it? I'll tell you where he assembled it. Go on. It was a social setting. It absolutely was a social setting.

It was a family reunion. A family reunion? Yeah, he's my cousin. And he brought the fucking original computer. The world's first supercomputer. And you know, I actually saw him at a quinceanera. What was he doing at that? At the quinceanera, he was also doing something

quite inconvenient. In terms of like... And quite old-worldly. Oh, I see. He was blowing glass. Oh. He was blowing glass. Like smoking weed out of a bong?

Uh-uh. No, he was full-on blowing windows and vases out of hot molten glass. Like it was a Ren Faire for a second. Yeah. And this was where again? At a quinceanera. And why were you invited to that?

Why were you at the quinceanera? It was my niece, Sonia. Who? My niece, Sonia. At a quinceanera. At a quinceanera. And this guy. He was blowing glass.

He was blowing glass. That's really cool. That's really, really cool, man. Hey, man. That that's dope man thanks dude hey sir dude i got a new accent bro what do you think man yeah man i spent like four years in mexico man it's not enough time that's whatever. You change the way you talk. Yeah, dude. Let's fucking talk differently.

Surge, man. Surge, man. Check out this offensive accent I came up with, man. It's crazy, dude. I got like a mustache, man, now. Jesus. What, dude? I'm serious, dude. Whatever. Leave me alone, man. Alright right i'll leave you alone dude let's fucking hang out though sir man you're not good yo page me dude

i got like a beeper now dude like what's the point man i'll just get a fucking phone dude I have to fucking call you from a burner man he can bring a typewriter we're out of time of course typewriter is a-okay would you be ashamed? kind of ashamed a little bit embarrassed Uh, we're out of time. Of course. Time fighters A-OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you be shamed? Kind of ashamed.

A little bit embarrassed. I mean, it's a little embarrassing, but it's not like a, it's not a deal breaker. It is kind of weird to like be at the park and imagine like. It's like a cute setting though. You can imagine it being like in a little like. It's like a hipster chic thing. Yeah, like it being like in a little like, I don't know. It's like a hipster chic thing. Yeah, like a Zooey Deschanel movie or something. Yeah.

Like, you bring your typewriter, I'll bring my ukulele, and we'll write some prose, and we'll sing it together. Oh, that's fun. Let's write a poem on paper, on typewriter paper. Yeah, I think that's the vibe. So I think you should actually lean into a little bit. Curate it for your fucking boyfriend just once. Pack a little picnic, a little red checker it for your fucking boyfriend just once pack a little picnic a little red checker bag oh that's cute you dive into the whole 40s vibe tell them to

write something about you and wear it where yeah wear like some really weird 40s garb suspenders yeah like a little newsy hat that's nice and a long sleeve cloth off off white shirt yeah and big thick pants that don't have zippers because they weren't invented yet that's right everywhere cargos or pantaloons some sort of swimming pants and ride a ride a big wheeled bicycle yeah have girders like socks with the little suspenders funny to romanticize not the 60s but like the 20s were the 20s one of the ugliest eras? The 10s? I guess the 10s. I'm really into the 10s recently. We should have a 10s party.

Everyone dresses like your favorite thing from 1916. I'm a penny farthing. And I, a glassblower and a quinceanera. Alright, cool. Take it easy a bit. This, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, Take it easy a bit. soon becoming our most prolific theme song writer. Thanks to you guys for writing in. Thanks to you guys for listening.

We really do appreciate it. We really hope we survive these shows so that we can come back and tell you all about them. And we're just so thrilled to be touring so much. We've still got dates coming up in Denver and Tempe and Raleigh and Atlanta and Philly and D.C. and New York. Come find us. Come party with us.

Come hang out. The tickets to all those shows are at jacodemir.com. Toad out for listening. We'll be back next week. Peace. Peace. Peace. Somewhere over the podcast.

Fuck, man. I can't do it. Don't worry. Just give me the guitar. Just give me it. Jesus. Fine. Take it.

Yeah. Let me show you how it's done. One, two, three, four. Somewhere over this podcast Boringness prevails But for our luck we are Before that boringness is not here Somewhere over this podcast entertainment's gone

But we're really far from that The proof that you need is this song There's a possibilities of questions to be answered Thousands to make fun of Without that it's not done Make style and laugh but never choke Cause if they're out of words, just make a fucking fart joke. Going over this podcast.

Jake would be the nerd. Amir would be the fucking sex addict. Ready to make someone from the bum. Bum is ass. Oh, yeah, I know. I got it. Oh, okay. I got it. Good, good.

Thank you. That was a Hate Gum podcast.