Segments - 265: VR Porn (live in Melbourne!)

Episode Date: March 27, 2017

We discuss hitchhikers, fleshlights and sticky showers at the Athenaeum Theatre in Melbourne, Australia! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Then please welcome Jake and Amir. Okay. Namaste. No mic, huh?

So, all right, who needs it? Yeah, Streeter said some actually, he said some pretty fucked up shit about our leader. Our orange leader man. And I'm going to set the record straight. He would have won the popular vote.

He really would have if he wasn't mean. Right, his policy sort of lost him that, but he's still the president. Yeah. He's our leader. And your president, actually. Yeah, every A country is his.

Sorry, Austria. No joke, I thought we were going to Austria. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we have a lot of... This entire flight over, I said, what's the sausage like in Vienna to the steward? Not a stewardess. No, not a stewardess. All male flight attendants.

All male flight attendants. That's right. And I thought I had deserved it. I thought I was on a gay airline. I flew here on Lufthansa. And how was the sausage on Lufthansa, and it was... And how was the sausage on Lufthansa? We actually didn't have a sausage on Lufthansa.

I thought it was a little bit of a sausage fest. No, I had a pie. I had a pie. A shepherd's pie. A shepherd's pie, and I was railed in the bathroom by a steward. We just got here. Why are we already in it? We haven't said hello to everyone. Oh, hello, everybody. Yeah.

I'm going to tell the Amir fucking a flight attendant story in a bit. Yeah. But that was just a teaser that it happened. But y'all don't know for how long. It's called the 1.6 kilometer high club over here, right? Very nice. Thank you. Very, very nice.

I actually do thank you for that. Thank you for that. And thank you for that. Thank you for that. Namaste for that. Namaste indeed. Yes, thank you. Domo.

Domo to you. Domo to you as well. And I appreciate it. Thank you for showing deference to me. Yes. And I show vast reference to your vast deference. Yes. Very good. Thank you. For vast deference. Yes. Very good.

Thank you. For that past reference. Oh! Thank you. Okay. This is the slam poetry hour. How the frick are you guys? Yeah.

Oh, that doesn't work. Obviously not. You unplugged it completely. That's not how wires are. How is it now? Oh, even better. Oh, out. Completely out. This is highly rehearsed and scripted.

Jake does three loops around the thing and replugs it back in. Smattering of laughter is how it's... Oh, no! He's now psychic. It only shocked a little. What happened? No, it's fine Oh, no! He's now psychic. What happened? No, it's fine.

Okay. Melbourne. Melbourne? Melbourne. Melbourne. Melbourne! How the hell are you guys? They pronounce it Mel-born.

Oh, really? Yeah. I didn't know that. Like the Bourne movies. You guys ever seen those? Yeah. Matt Damon really kills the performance in that. Over here is that called...

He's like, who the fuck is Treadstone? And you find out in every single movie, but he sort of somehow forgets every time. He's very forgetful, Matt Damon. Yeah, he doesn't remember shit. It's funny. Like the fact that he bought a zoo.

Isn't it weird that... Well, that's a different movie. Well, no, I think Jason Bourne bought the zoo. No, you're thinking of We Bought a Zoo, which is a different Matt Damon movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I'm saying, I think it was the same fucking guy. I know you think it's the same

and I'm telling you explicitly. That's what I'm saying. I'm only speaking words that explain to you that Matt Damon in Born Supremacy is a different character. No, he has supremacy, but identity. No. None of the Born movies.

What about Born Ultimatum? That one is about We Bought a Zoo. All right. What about Bourne Ultimatum? That one is about we bought a suit. All right. What's Gucci, though? Otherwise, it would go on forever. Who here is from Adelaide? Yeah? Holy shit.

This dude has a gun. You're going to be the only one in Australia. Holy shit. No wonder they call it Rattalade. Hell yeah, dude. Gatilade. I love that. Gatilade.

That's really good. Thanks. When you give me those attaboys, it makes it sound like nothing else I say is funny. Gataboys. And that was how it started between Amira and the male flight attendant He made a pun So juicy I couldn't resist

It really was juicy We're having fun It's Thursday Yeah That is correct. Hi, yo. Absolutely hi to the yo. Tell these guys about the show, man.

Right. Who here has never, ever fucking heard our podcast before? Don't be shy. You were dragged here by a friend. Good. Get the fuck out. Get the fuck out. You're fine.

I'm going to win you over. Good. Get the fuck out. Get the fuck out. You're fine. I'm going to win you over. Jesus. Sorry. I'm going to win you over a bench. I'm very excited to be here. That's okay. For those of you who said woo, for those of you listening for the first time at home, this is is an advice show millennials of all ages from 18 to 21 oh something just fell down behind me i don't have to see i actually get off to the fact that i'm the only one that doesn't know what's going on everybody else staring at shit that's going on behind me It wasn't a table I saw that It was two milk crates Stacked on top of each other

The real problem is that my whiskey's gone The water's fine Let's go for Shrimpy everybody Shrimpy Sorry He fashioned a table Out of two very sturdy boxes. I don't know what you did.

Oh. Okay. What's the top? This is live theater. It's just a box of screws. Sorry, I was not paying attention during that entire thing. Anyway, so we're smart, and people from all over the globe seek our guidance, our advice. I don't blame them.

Who wouldn't? We do our best to offer it to them. Oftentimes, it's Jake and I chilling in our little studio, recording into our microphone box, dispensing the advice all over the Internet, all over the world, wide web. And sometimes we're in a room with... Very good. Very nice. Ziggy-zoggy, ziggy-zoggy. Sometimes we're in a room with over 500 of our closest friends. Will you guys join us on this journey to try to advise? We got a lot of emails from Australia, actually.

People here are just as confused as Americans. Even more so because they sound weird. You guys don't know how to say words, man. Like, it's not lift, dude. It's like elevator. Sometimes I say lift. Do you? Yeah.

Yeah. Shrimpy again, everyone. Shrimpy. Is this just a Coca-Cola? It's a whiskey and coke. And that's just a whiskey. And this is a knife. Skull, skull, skull, skull, skull, skull.

I'm not skulling. There's way too much sugar in this. I don't even want it at all. Here. All right, so that guy. You skull it. For those of you listening at home. Skull, skull, skull, skull, skull, skull, skull, skull, skull, skull. Wow. so that guy you you skull it for those of you listening at home go go go go go go go go go

go wow wow just uh i want to catch everyone up uh if you're listening at home skull means chug jake lifted up a glass of what appeared to be mostly coke didn't want to skull it because he's afraid there's too much sugar in it. Gave it to a 14-year-old tweenager. I'm just kidding, man. For the people... Oh, he's diabetic, so it is pretty dangerous. Oh, no, he's going to all sing.

EpiPen, EpiPen, EpiPen. That's another chant. But thank you guys for joining us tonight. This is very exciting. We're very happy to be here. Yeah. I know, yeah. Woo is correct. I feel like I'm going to get a haircut on these stools,

which is kind of fun. That's nice. You already got one today. Yeah. What do you guys think of our haircuts? Real sharp. Yeah, that was about the reception we gave to the barber. Yeah.

I would say tepid. And 30 bucks. All right. Yeah, that was about the reception we gave to the barber. Yeah. I would say tepid. And 30 bucks. All right. So, as always... Hashtag taupe, indeed. I hold in my hand real emails from real people. What we do need is a fake name just to preserve their anonymity to get started. If we need...

Crandus? I heard Crandus. Did you hear Crandus? I heard Crandus the other night in Austin, Texas, and somehow Crandus has followed us to Melbourne, Australia. So thank you, Crandus, for coming to this show. And yes, this person's name'm Crandis. Writes Crandis. I'm a 14-year-old. That's right. So tread lightly, fuckers. I'm a 14-year-old, and I've recently jerked off successfully for the first time. Thousands and thousands of failed attempts.

Skull, skull, skull. I finally got it fucking right. There's no wrong way. All right. My problem is that I've only jerked off to VR porn. I have ejaculated four times in total to some sweet, sweet 360 degree content. When it's 360, are you jerking off to something behind the porn? Like you're fucking somebody and you're like're like oh that's an awesome sconce

i'll come to that sorry can you stop editorializing sorry yeah yeah oh i wrote the email uh i have tried regular non-360 vr porn and it just doesn't do it for me please recommend some ways to get over this problem because i cannot imagine living in VR porn. And it just doesn't do it for me. Please recommend some ways to get over this problem because I cannot imagine living a life where I can only come with a VR headset on. Love, Crandis.

Let's give it up. Man. It seems dangerous. VR porn is too immersive. Yeah. He's wearing a mask. Like, somebody could walk in the room. But somebody could walk in the room anyway.

Yeah, but, like, you sort of, you can, like, see it out of the corner of your eye. You can't see that when you're fully inside of a porn. So it's better. Well, it's better for, like, being in the moment, but then, like, your mom could come in, and your sister could come in, and your dad could come in, and then you're, like, all of a porn. So it's better. Well, it's better for being in the moment, but then your mom could come in and your sister could come in and your dad could come in and then you're like, all of a sudden you're at your

grandparents' funeral jerking off because you didn't realize that the whole service was happening all around you. I would say don't bring the headset to that setting at all. Totally. But you're not 14. 14-year-olds were so connected to the devices and shit like that. Totally. But you're not 14. Like, 14-year-olds were so connected

to the devices and shit like that, you know? Yeah. They won't, their heads are stuck in the iPhones. You're telling me, bro.

God. I'm trying to think back of when I was 14. Yeah, what was the first thing that you jerked off to? If you don't mind me asking in this. Yeah, as long as this is

a very secret conversation between two friends. Just don't mind me asking in this. Yeah, as long as this is a very secret conversation between two friends. Don't turn to your right. Mother? Mother? Surely you remember. You were there, Mother. You taught me

everything I know. For you spanked it first, Mother. Oh my god. Come on. I sucked her boobs and that's fine. Your dick was fully inside your mom. Absolutely.

At one point. Yeah. Within the last year or two. What? What? What? Huh? When?

Why? How? Where? Who? Wive. First, I remember, I remember. So when I was 14, the year was 1997. 1897.

1897. I'm 134 years young. 1997. What was happening in 97? The internet was very young. Just applaud if you weren't even born in 97 yet. Okay, so you have to leave. This is an 18 and over show.

I remember there wasn't really downloading videos yet. There was mostly like porn images on the internet. Right, right. Perhaps some QuickTime or real video files that you had to download. That's hot. I'm still jerking off to quick time video. Yeah, Doc QT. Oh, yeah.

320 by 240. Really blurry shit. It's a goddamn gif, basically. It's a fucking buddy icon. Oh, man, the 14-year-olds don't know what a buddy icon is. And we had the internet There was stuff going on even before the internet The first thing that I jerked off to was like a magazine that I found in the woods

Was it a mad fold-in? Like the back page? No, no, it was like a penthouse Oh, that's even better Yeah, yeah, totally It was awesome So it was magazine Then like internet video

Now you put on a headset and somebody's Blowing you Awesome. So it was magazine, then internet video. Now you put on a headset and somebody's blowing you? And I guess you could be fucking a fleshlight? Yeah, the first time I remember, I guess I remember really jerking off to playboy.com image that loaded one row of pixels at a time. And now we're living in an era where you guys, we're going to be able to like print out a vagina soon enough. A 3D.

Yeah, put on a headset, and then we might never need to leave our houses again. It's actually, what I was thinking is that VR headsets might save society because... Our leader, Donald Trump, is going to save society, but go on, tell me more. Beyond Grand Ruler Trump, imagine living in a world where everybody's hot. So, for example, you really like someone's personality, but they're an uggo fuggo, which is fair.

Fair and fine. You put on the headset, and they're a goddamn eight. So, even in your wildest fantasies there's still 2 points less than oh I can't download a 9 look at me I was rejected from the app store by a 9

Steve Jobs said I was quote 2 Jewy which is insane because he's 2 dead yeah that's right Chewie. Which is insane because he's too dead. Yeah, that's right. I got him after all. You got the last laugh on Jobs. So you like someone

but you're not necessarily attracted to them. You put on the headset. They look like whatever you want them to look like. So in my brain, it's Vanna White. She's blowing me, but it's actually I don't fucking care fat say jack or a dog that i trained to fucking suck me off i mean i'm serious i'm gonna train a dog to suck my dick while i wear a headset of vanna white

blowing me just so we are is that illegal I just want to catch everybody off guard. Is that illegal? Yes. It's animal cruelty. Is it illegal to say it? Yes, also illegal. Really? Shit me. That's hate speech.

So a 14-year-old said, I'm worried I won't be able to jerk off to anything but VR porn. Yeah. And that got me thinking. I guess your advice is that he can fuck a dog. See, this is exactly the type of Hillary shit that got her in trouble. It's gotcha journalism. You're putting words in my mouth.

Shillery. I'm not going to... Yeah, shillery, rot, and clit torn. I'm not going to... I would never fuck a dog. What I would do is train it to blow me. Yeah, all right. We're going blue.

This is that 18 and over shit. That's what's up. I basically, my advice to this guy, I know we've had a lot of fun tonight, but let's cut it out. There's nothing wrong... Everyone relax. Don't resist the evolution of technology. There's nothing wrong don't resist

the evolution of technology there's nothing wrong with using a headset this is the same email written 20 years ago is saying I found porn on the internet do you guys know what that is and there's videos and I'm afraid I won't be able to masturbate if it's not a video sure fine there's videos everywhere

soon there's going to be headset VR's everywhere and it doesn't matter that that's what it takes to get you off because it's probably awesome i haven't experienced it yet but i'm i'm ready willing and you have google glass in the corner you're watching this is a fake arm i'm jerking myself off uh i say embrace the future wear the headset don't worry it's probably going gonna end up replacing actual intimacy so you won't even ever have to have sex again yeah, you're ahead of the curve, buddy

what's your advice to this 14 year old? I think you should download some 60 frames per second porn you don't have to see the full immersion but I understand that you like high def so why don't we just, yeah, we'll just scale it back from there, I think that's acceptable so just out of just to dispense some knowledge,

movies are like a 24 frames per second video, like old VHS is 30. This porn that you're talking about is so fluid, it's moving at 60 frames per second. Yeah, it's like more high def than if you were actually fucking somebody. So it looks just like a real, but it's still a flat. You've never watched 60 frames per second porn? I've seen clips of it on the subreddit. On the subreddit? There's a 60

FPS subreddit. I love knowing just a tiny little bit about your porn habits. That was a little snippet. We all learned something. A mirror is a fucking puzzle and we're putting it together so slowly. Does anyone know what that subreddit is? What is it?

60 FPS porn. I fucking use it too. I'm a fucking mod. I'm upvoting this shit. Uptoke me. To karma blevin. Let's give it up for Crandis one more time.

Thank you, Crandis. Thank you, Crandis. Let's answer a question that's not about a teenager's dick. Let's see. Finally. Let's see. Let's see. Let's see. Oh, they're all about that. Oh, fuck. Here's one about a teenager's clit.

That's fine. What a coinkydon. That's even more illegal. Alright, we need a girl's name. Jeef? Geet? G-E-T-E? Wow, that was so clear.

You came here to shout geet? All geet geet, motherfucker. All geet geet got geet. To the geet-o. To the geet. Hey. To the Geet. Hey guys, my name is... I was gonna read the real fucking thing. What was that? Fine.

I'll bleep it out later. It's fucking Geet. I don't know. How did you know? My name is Geet. I'm having an issue and my boyfriend acts like I'm overreacting. So I wanted to get your opinions. And the opinions of a bunch of people from Melbourne. Yeah, maybe we could all weigh in together.

For some background, just so you guys are caught up. We're in a long distance relationship. And a while back we had a huge fight after a lot of little fights because he did something that really hurt me and i told him i was done with him he got really upset and in retaliation within an hour took the girl i was worried about as his date to an event and took all of our pictures off of Instagram. That's gonna happen. Low blow.

Within a few days, we had everything sorted out again. We were solid. Oh! So solid. Rock solid. Got it out of his system. Anyway, that's why I wrote you the email to tell you everything's good. We're all goopy-eyed. Ciao, that's why I wrote you the email to tell you everything's good.

We're all goopy-eyed. Ciao, love geet. Ciao for now. She continues, I adore him and was just as frustrated that he had been neglecting me and spending all his time with the girl that I mentioned above. After we worked everything out,

I asked him to put our pictures back up on Instagram. Fast forward a month and a half later And his social media still isn't fixed No it is Our anniversary was a few days ago And he promised he'd fix it by then Yeah that's right, you're right to laugh After me continuously asking him about it He still didn't.

He keeps apologizing and says he will fix it, but never does. I feel like his social media presence... Sorry? I feel like his social media presents an image that he is single. And after some things in the past, EI cheating allegations... EI, EI, oh, no. There's so much to unpack about this girl that he brought to the event. Things in his past.

That makes me uncomfortable. So my question is, do you think I'm overreacting? Is it reasonable for me to want it handled? And to question why it was taking him so long to do something so simple that he knows matters to me so much? And do you think he might be dating someone else and that's what he's hiding? Love, Geet. It's an interesting way to frame the question.

Like, do you think I'm overreacting? I don't. I think you're upset and I think that's normal and I think that's fine and he's definitely cheating on you. I think... You think she's adequately reacting. Yeah, I think she's... Well, I think she's overreacting to what she perceives to be the problem.

So... Wait, you think he's cheating? I don't think he's cheating. I think he's just not about to re-upload 15 Instagram photos. Which would show up... You can't backdate that shit. You can't call Mark Zuckerberg and be like, there was a glitch.

And a bunch of really specific Instagram photos are gone. And I have to put them back up in the order. I think, but for the most part, cheating allegations are usually facts. Not a lot of people like... He did instantly take her to a date prom date dance thing nobody

ever is like i hooked up with your boyfriend as a lie right that's usually pretty accurate i'm not trying to like lie and say i hooked up with him if i do that it's like me being really really honest who said he hooked up with anybody that's the fucking allegations it's in the middle of the email oh but she's she can't prove it. I.E. cheating allegations. Who do you think was allegated? I think that the allegations were on this dude and the girl that he took to the event.

And you think they're founded allegations? I think they're allegation facts. Oh. I think it's fake news. I think it's... I absolutely think it's fake news,. I think it's fake news. I think it's... I absolutely think it's fake news, and I think it's sad. And the only way you would know about it is by wiretapping

this girl. And I really think you wiretapped her. And ask me how I know. How do you know? I saw it. I read it. On where? I read lots of things. I actually have a very good brain.

Anything else? WikiLeaks. John Podesta. Thank you, Anthony Wiener. So let's try to answer these one at a time. My question is, do you think I'm overreacting? No. Do you guys think she's overreacting?

A little bit? I guess round of applause, overreacting. But it's not a question about her overreacting. She's reacting to the wrong shit. She's like, I'm pissed that he's not re-uploaded the photos to Instagram. Be pissed that he's actively cheating on you with somebody else. Like, react to that. So fine, she's overreacting to the Instagram thing.

Next question. Is it reasonable for me to want it handled? No, because this is not the fucking problem. If he posts the 15 pictures... This is one of the questions? No, I'm just saying. All right. This is her brain. If he posts the 15 pictures... This is one of the questions? No, I'm just saying. All right.

This is her brain. He reposts literally 15 to 30 pictures of us. Uh-huh. Back to back. To back. To back. To back. To back.

To back. To back. To back. To back. To back. To back. To back. To back.

To back. To back. Back to back. That girl goes away because, hey, I don't want to be with you if you're fucking posting 35 pictures of your girl in a row. I guess that's actually kind of true. That would be like a little bit of a magic pill right there. Do you think you might be dating someone else?

Well, not dating, but fucking, yes. I wonder what went down at that prom what makes you think it was a prom what's the Australian prom we get what Deb formal debutante

they said formal yeah but I've heard some Debs and I heard some Debs in emails before. Did Debs say formal? And formal said Debs. Formal said Deb, yeah. I actually debuted once. No shit.

Yeah, I revealed myself. To thunderous booze. Uh-huh. It was a waltz to waltz cotillion, and I was dressed to the nines. And it was just you and your dad there, solo dolo? Uh-huh. I was a woman of the night that night.

That's right, huh? Indeed. Just me and my dad. I like that. Thank you. All right, so I think we helped this girl out. No, we didn't, but that's fine. She gets what's going on.

Follow your suspicions is what you're saying. Break up. Break up. Jesus. It's him, though. All right, one more time for Geet. Geet, Geet, Geet. Oh, Geet, Geet, goddamn.

This one's... What'd you say, Alan? Did two people yell Game Boy? I don't know if he's here. Oh, Game Boy actually doesn't have a passport. Yeah, Game Boy. He was at customs and they were like Where's your passport? He was like, oh

Yeah I don't have any form of legal documentation Oh no That's actually a really good Game Boy impression He was detained and aggressively probed Probed?

Yeah, the thing is, Gameboy's from Sudan, so he couldn't travel under the Muslim ban. He's not allowed back in the States. Do we have a female name for this female question? Ali? I heard Ali in the distance. Wulch? Wulch? Groach?

Gulch. There's someone saying Gulch. Croissant I like. I like croissant. We've heard croissant before. I like croissant. All right. That's the guy that blows up the theater.

Croissant's a good name for like a lady that has pigtails that resemble croissants. Would you say two croissants or is it like one croissant? It's obviously the second one. You dumbass. Namaste. Namaste to you.

And namaste to you guys. Thank you again for coming tonight. Alright, Croissant writes, I have a dilemma. Long story, shart. Nice. She's doing well so far. You guys like her

more than the last girl, I can tell. I picked up a hitchhiker over the summer and I ended up fucking him. Oh. How quickly? I can't ask her that.

Sure. He's a straight dime, a total smoke show and to top it all off he's from Prague. We chilled together for a few days and I really began to develop feelings for him and on that last day before he left me he told me that he really liked me.

Yeah. He really did. He used those words. I really like you. Thanks for the ride and the ride. Nice dude. Yes dude. When he had to leave

I dropped him off on an on-ramp On I-15 Immediately run over by a semi I really like you I had a little cry in the Walmart bathroom Where is I-15 in America? I-15 goes through, I believe it's like a

northern highway through Iowa? The Midwest, perhaps? Yeah, that guy... That guy believes you about as much as I do. Actually, you know what? I-15... Never mind. I think it runs north to south a couple months

there's a there's shut the fuck up nobody here fucking knows except for that guy he's the goddamn drifter. He's the Czech fucking hiker that you fucked. In America, odd number of highways go north to south. Did you know that? Yes, that's why I said it fucking did. Christ. I'm just saying. It's all.

Anyway, this chick picked up a hitchhiker from Prague, fucked him, dropped him off at a Walmart and cried. A couple months later, he messaged me on Facebook and told me he has chlamydia. Of course! Of absolute course. I had harbored a little fantasy about going to visit him in Europe, as I've never been, but he told me that it's sort of, but after he told me that he had chlamydia, it sort of filleted any feelings I had for him. I started seeing someone

else, but after that went up in flames, we began Facebook messaging. The hot prog man messaged me first. We were talking now, and we seemed to have really great chemistry again. What would you guys do here? Should I keep messaging him? How big of a deal is it that somebody gives you a curable STD?

Is it crazy for me to want to travel halfway around the world to visit him? By the way, I'm an 18-year-old girl from the western United States. All right, yeah, so I-15 runs from Sacramento to San Diego. Oh, you know it's part of the Vegas trip, isn't it? That's exactly right. Good man. What was this girl's name? Crisant. Let's give it up for Crisant. She really told a tale.

I guess, well, you know, fair. You got chlamydia. That makes a ton of sense. I feel like the story is like, that's amazing. You fucked a hitchhiker and you only got chlamydia. Yeah. Especially from Prague.

It's like, check, please. That's awesome, dude. Chaps would really be here. So this girl got chlamydia. I don't think that's grounds for divorce. I don't even think she got chlamydia. I don't even think she got married. This guy called her and said he had chlamydia,

which is sort of just like some weird confession. Impressive that he had a phone. Yeah. You pick somebody up from the side of the road. As a Prague Czech hitchhiker of sorts, Which is sort of just like some weird confession. Impressive that he had a phone. Yeah. You pick somebody up from the side of the road. As a Prague Czech hitchhiker of sorts, in the middle of perhaps Nevada. Perhaps.

Or Arizona. Fucked her and said, I have BT dubs. This is going to sound cray cray, but I've been fucking my way across America. And somebody gave me a sexually transmitted disease. I blew 19 truckers, and you were the one. And wouldn't you believe, I got the clap. It is a curable STD, right?

It's like an antibiotic cures it? Yeah, I think it's a couple of days on the pill, whatever. Ten days. Ten days? Wow. You're a goddamn chlamydia pro, brother. Nobody kissed that man. That's right. You a goddamn chlamydia pro, brother. Nobody kissed that man. That's right.

You can get chlamydia through kissing. I don't know if that's true at all. I don't think it is. Perfect. Maybe she had it and gave it to him. I guess she is the kind of person that fucks hitchhikers. Yeah. That's a good question.

How many hitchhikers did Yeah. That's a good question. How many hitchhikers did she fuck that month? I would say even if it's one, bad parenting. You blame the parents. I think she had bad parents. Uh-huh. I think if she picked up

a hitchhiker and fucked them, daddy messed up. And mommy's getting off scot-free. Mommy's fine. Mommy had a lot on her plate. Yeah. She had other shit to deal with that generation. I think it's fine.

I think you're good. You are cured of chlamydia. If you ever had it. Oh, yeah. What? She never specified that she had it. She just said that he had it. He had it.

Makes a lot of sense. Yeah. He seemed like a nice enough guy to Facebook message her and give her the heads up. Yeah. That attaboy, that BT dubs. I think you should totally go to fucking Prague and get AIDS. What? That's where this is trending.

That's where this is trending man even if it's trending that way there's many steps to climb before reaching the apex of AIDS mountain genital herpes hepatitis then we're gonna go back down to syphilis cause that one's curable and then up to AIDS

it's a it's like an EKG yeah of STDs nice thank you is it called stis over here okay so let me reread that question even though she only mentioned it once so would you guys say how about round of applause for go to pra and Follow Your Heart. That's pretty good. And don't be shy. Can we get a round of applause for Fuck This Guy He Gave You an STD?

I heard a lot of ladies applaud for the second one. Really? Yeah, I heard a lot of high-pitched woos for Don't Fuck the Guy That Gave You Chlamydia. I don't know what that makes me think. I say go to Prague. That's kind of fun.

Of course you do. Who says don't go to Prague? Who feels very adamant about don't go to Prague? Okay. You really don't want them to go to Prague? No. Terrible idea. Why is it a terrible idea? Why would you go to Europe?

She just hates Europe. Chlamydia is fine. I'll get syphilis if it means... What's a country without borders? That's Trump's America. Why would you what? Yeah. That's what I thought.

I want a case against going to Europe Too young? You don't know? Oh, she said 18? It's called the gap year, mate You asked the question more carefully than I did Jesus, you guys are all amateur economists And I love you for it

Alright, one more time for Croissant, for croissant. We're about halfway through with the show, so why don't we take a break? You guys can keep rolling, but at home we'll cut it off. And let's get a round of applause as we go to break for people at home. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it

out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah.

How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.

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Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action passes like these

are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first-time Pick 6 players, check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in Pick 6 credits.

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expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Guys, you can hit the lights now. Oh, yeah. Get rid of... I don't need to see anybody's horrified reaction to Jake's

story. I've never seen so many anybody's horrified reaction to Jake's story. I've never seen so many mouths. A gape. One person's mouth was actually a grape. My mouth was a grape. Don't lean into me so closely. Just a little... A little grape. Oh, yeah.

A little mouth of grape. We're coming to Australia. Oh, no, never mind. We're already here. Oh, that's right. All right. Let's get serious. You guys are right.

Who am I to have fun? I just get mad at everybody. So selfish. And another thing. Yeah. You're right. This is brought to you by Blue Apron. Yeah.

You guys can have home-cooked meals at home. Just not in Australia. Oh, shit. Oh, do you guys know about a shooey? Do they know? They fucking invented the shoeie. So for those of you listening at home, somebody told us that a shoeie

is when you drink beer out of a shoe. And that's about the most Australian thing I can think of. Do it. Do it. Sorry. A few follow ups Who's your representative so I can grill them about this

You seem to know what the fuck's going on Is a shooey a new thing Is a shooey a newie It's been around for a while People have been drinking beer Has anybody here done a shooey Or is it just something you You have And is it just something you... You have?

You have? And is it just beer, or can you do other drinks too? It could be anything. Because I was thinking of going matzo ball. Don't try to convince us to do it. Amir's wearing $200 sneakers. It's not happening. I'll go matzo ball soup with it.

I'm just afraid about beer giving me gas. And how do you make sure that the liquid doesn't drizzle out of the porous holes of your shoe? Does it have to be like a leather boot of sorts? Just gotta roll with it. Yeah. Do you think that anybody

is like, do you think they're concerned about anything when they're drinking beer out of a shoe? Like the last thing you're worried about, I hope this doesn't drip anywhere and get, it's in your fucking shoe. Yeah, because all I'm thinking of is like stuffing my shoe with a newspaper and leaving it out on a balcony

for a day. Like, how do I dry that shit? Did you throw away the shoe? You used the shoe? It's a little moist the next day, but that's fine because it was beer. The shoe's not fine. The shoe's not fine. It smells like fucking beer. Not anymore. Are you wearing the shoe you did a shoeie out of? Goddamn right.

You threw it away. How many beers can fit in a shoe? Two in the shoe. Two beers in a shoe? I'm talking about, well, four if you do both shoes. What's a gum boot? Is that when you fill up a boot with gum?

Just chew the fucking gum? I feel like... I mean, I would never do it. Would you ever do a shoeie? Yeah, he would. That's the fucking pitch. Actually, you'll fucking do it right now. Jake's the man, you guys.

Do a fucking shoeie. No. What? Of course not. Of course not. He'll give you the shoe. Sorry. You'd think I'm more likely to do it out of a stranger's shoe.

That's actually a good question. Would you more likely do it out of out of a stranger's shoe. That's actually a good question. Would you more likely do it out of yours or a stranger's shoe? Yes, mine. But then you'd ruin your shoe. I don't fucking know that guy. But then you'd ruin your shoe. I don't care. What about Shrimpy?

Do a shoeie out of Shrimpy's shoe or Shrimpy does a shoeie out of that guy's shoe? No one's doing a shoeie. Boo. I'll do a shoeie. Boo! I'll do a booie. That's when you boo out of my shoe. And it's off. Fill it with a beer.

Somebody, oh, quick. Boo! It works. What if we just put a whiskey in the top? Oh, that's nice. Just a shot. And then you could at least pose for a photo. A shoddy.

A faux shooey. A foey. Alright, we need... I'm going to point at someone and you give me a 23-year-old male man's name. I know, I want to point to someone. How about first row, second story over there? Shooey! Shooey! Very original.

Shooey, Dewey, and Louie. Shuey writes, I'm a 23-year-old male. My friend is a 22-year-old female. I'm gay. She's straight. We were talking about sex while she was doing my nails. We're wondering if it's... That's fine.

We're wondering... Sorry. fine we're wondering sorry no please all right grow up that's fine that's all we're wondering if it still counts if i were to put a fleshlight inside of her and then I... Does he want it to count or not? Like, where's he coming from? Canada. So, for those of you who are confused a little bit, a fleshlight is... I don't know, Jake, describe it. You've fucked one before.

Oh, come on. It's a... I mean, it looks like a flashlight, and it's a... What would you say the diameter is? Actually, let's keep it simple. What's the radius? I don't know what either of those words mean. All right, give me the circumference and I'll sort of

reverse engineer the area of the circle of the fresh light. Nine. That is enormous. Really? Would you say it's the thickness of a can of Coke? It's like a magma.

Yeah, it's like a little bit more of this, right? So his question is if he shoves that water bottle sized light It's like the top of this glass The top of a, let's say, airline cup Sure, yeah If he puts that inside of his gay friend's

vagina So she's straight, he's gay Okay, and he fucks the light Is that sex? It's something worse straight, he's gay. Okay. And he fucks the light. Is that sex? Is it? It's something worse. I don't want to judge anybody, you know?

But that's not beneficial. Because what's, like, it's the, you should just put the fleshlight somewhere else. Yeah, like her ass. It's like a little gay to straight converter.

So he puts the vagina... Now we're in Mike Pence's America. Absolutely. Y'all know about Trump, but you don't know about our vice president. You want to talk about conversion. I mean, I can't plug my phone

into the wall here without a little adapter. Yeah, so you end up sticking a flashlight in it, fucking the outlet. That's electric. It's electric. Boogie, woogie, woogie, woogie. Okay, so the question is, if he fucks a flashlight that's inside of a woman, is it sex? You're saying?

Yeah, it's just like a... Can we get a round of applause for yes, that's sex? It is. Can we get a round of applause for no, that's not sex? I feel like the same people just didn't stop applauding. It's just a really, really, really thick

condom. It's a condom made of plastic with a silicon lining. That's what it is. I think there's too much of a buffer there for it to be sex. Sex is electricity, and that's too much of a... What's the opposite of a conductor? Insulator.

That's right. So if you were dating somebody, you're like, hey, I want to hear about your past sexual partners, and the girl was like, well, I want to hear about your past sexual partners. And the girl was like, well, I fucked one drifter from Prague. Okay. And then I also jerked off to a lot of VR porn. You're like, well, that's not sex.

Don't worry. That's not sex. Yeah, that's fine. And then she was like, and also I held a fleshlight inside my vagina and someone fucked it. Okay. You would be like, that's not sex? This is what I would say. Go ahead.

It's sex for the girl that got penetrated, but it's not sex for the guy that fucked the fleshlight. No, fuck you. That actually, no, no, no, just kidding. That was pretty, like, not woke of you. The girl got penetrated, but the guy didn't penetrate a girl. He did penetrate. His dick was inside the vagina, inside the fleshlight.

What do you say? Is that double penetration? But let's say the fleshlight is 10 inches long and only two inches are inside of her, and then he penetrates it six inches, so there's still two inches of vertical displacement where the dick did not penetrate the vaginal

opening so she yes had sex but he no did not and I say fuck you absolutely not you're editorializing where the fleshlight's sitting in her vagina you're saying that today

junior a fleshlight sitting in her vagina. You're saying that it's too much of a thing. Today, Junior! You guys, don't applaud like he came up with that originally. They're too young to see it. How about, I think, we've both sort of, you make your case, I've made mine, and then we'll have the jury decide.

Alright. I forget what I'm arguing for. You're saying it's sex for both parties. Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, are there juries in Australia? Wow, you just lost them.

Fuck! Fuck, mate! I really... You go first, I'm gonna seat the floor I do better with counter-argument Guys, you look great tonight Your penis is fully out Absolutely Inside a fleshlight Sex, as I in the dictionary defines it

Is penetration Of course, we've all been there before Or not, it's fine. No, you need to judge. Was the woman penetrated? Yes, he says the fleshlight entered her. Did the man enter the woman? Not necessarily. I posit to this court that the man did not actually penetrate the woman, for he fucked the fleshlight and as far as i understand it the fleshlight is a flashlight length phallus device with a sponge tip shaped like either a coin slot an anus or a vagina and he was able to enter it and exit without necessarily entering or exiting the vagina at question.

So, in my understanding, and I assume if you're intelligent to yours, objection leading the witness, sustained. Anyway, I think that... Sorry, the objection was sustained? Yes, but I sort of brushed it off because my point was made. Order. Order. Absolutely order.

Did the woman have sex? Yes. I'm not here to question that. Did the man have sex with the woman? Hell, I'm a normal, intelligent person, and I say no. And now let's hear from an idiot. Sorry, the defendant. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you're looking hot as fuck tonight.

Let me ask you a question. Man explored the outer reaches of space. He wore a space suit. A couple inches thick there. Did man not penetrate the outer reaches of the known universe? Did man not walk on the goddamn moon and plant the goddamn American flag on its surface? Did he not? Irrelevant.

I rest my fucking case. All right. all right now so let's hear about remember applaud for what you truly believe now it was for the coolest who here thinks that the man much like Jake Jake agrees with this the man who here thinks applaud

and don't applaud for both who here thinks the man had sex with this woman and who here thinks that the man didn't have sex with this woman? You know in your heart.

Well, it's too close to call in my opinion. And that's how Trump won the goddamn election. You know who else lost the popular vote? All right, thanks guys for walking us down. What I want to say is memory lane, though I never have any recollection of what just happened. Do you guys have time to answer one more question? Good.

What? Game Boy? I'll read the question as the Game Boy. Oh, that's really nice. Game Boy. Game Boy. Here's a question from a long-time listener from Denmark. All right. And his name is Lod. That's actually very apropos of the question,

and we'll get to that at the end. First-time writer, oh. Long-time listener from Denmark. at the end. First time writer. Oh. Long time listener from Denmark. I'm afraid this might be too distracting to read the entire question. Here's my sticky situation. Oh, I live with my brother and my father. It's a freaking man cave.

Oh. We all get along really well, but there is one problem. When my dad's done showering and it's my turn, he always leaves clumps of semen

spread all over the shower floor. His load. Load! Usually I just spray it off, but it takes at least 10 minutes. Because the semen is so sticky. Now I just scrub it off with my father's washing sponge. Sweet revenge.

But I'm still gagging as I... I'm still gagging as fuck. I slipped on it I slipped it... I slipped on it once and it... I slipped on it once and hit my chin against the seed. Chill. That was once you.

You know? Absolutely. Absolutely. From whence do you came? I almost puked, which is why I decided to write in and get your help. How the hell am I supposed to tell my dad that he needs to clean up after himself so I don't have to step into a disgusting semen shower? Any slick way I can slip in a hint or something like that. Love, load.

Let's get it for load. Wow. So this guy's dad like fucking comes Spider-Man webs out of his dick. Ten minute clean up. It is a clumpy little thick situation. Fucking gorilla glue just out of the urethra. Yeah.

And it is tough because he was once that seed. And that's a weird place to be. Oh, yeah, you were there. What's that? Buy him a fleshlight. Buy him a fleshlight's not terrible. Are they waterproof?

Fleshlights? Yes. So quickly. Aquaman with a boner screams yes instantly. Why does he have to shower after his dad? Thank God it's not a bath. Oh, geezez, Luis. I mean, shower before him.

That's the answer, correct? No, no, no, because, I mean, that's a fine answer. Sure, shower before him. Dad wakes up too early, you don't want to deal with that. This is what I say. Go ahead. You sit the dad down and be like, I've seen this seed. And he says, God, excuse me, I'm from Denmark.

God, oh, God. And then you say, that's right. My little brother, your second son's been fucking a deviant pervert little Jew boy jerking off into the shower. Oh, nice. And he says, oh, yeah, I shall talk to him post-haste. The dad fake talks to the fucking son about, I don't know what people

in Danish do talk about. Danish is, I assume. The dad then says, holy shit, I got away with murder. I'm gonna stop jerking off or buy a waterproof fleshlight available only on the HeadGum store. We should do HeadGum fleshlights. So H on one side,

the lightning bolt over the slit. Yeah, and then, well, the slit should be your mouth. Absolutely, wait, what? Your little face. It'll be a fleshlight with glasses at the top of it. And a beard.

And a beard below. My beard does look like a mom's pubis anyway. So it stands to reason. Come on, your beard looks great. Give it up for Amir's beard. Thanks, man. I needed that. Yeah, of course.

What about just letting the dad jerk off in the shower, not cleaning it up, sort of making a little drizzle castle of jizz. Oh, that's good. To the point where, yeah, the semen sort of freezes over the water. That's nice. And then the shower is completely unusable. The dad sort of has to act at that point.

Or, yeah, you build that little castle of sticky seed. Then you take woman's little eggs and you pour it all over the castle. Goddamn insane. Pretty soon, there's just feti growing hither and thither in the shower. Brothers and sisters, and it's no longer a man cave, it's a family cave. And I think that's the most important cave of all.

Good night, everybody. Did you guys have fun tonight? So did we. Australia, Melbourne specifically, you guys have been such an amazing crowd. Thank you so much for coming out. And thanks again for Streeter for doing stand-up comedy at the beginning of the show.

And thanks to wearenice.co.au for bringing us. Again, thank you again so much for coming. We really appreciate it. Thank you, everybody. Good night, good night, good night, good night, good night. Good night.