Segments - 266: Danish

Episode Date: March 30, 2017

In this episode, we discuss cartoons, pastries, and the morning after. Live from Amir's house! This episode brought to you by Article.com. Head to article.com/ifiwereyou for $50 off your purchase of $100 or more. Video also available on youtube.com/ifiwereyoushow See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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That's why it's extra special. You can see us sitting on an article couch. And this isn't just any article couch. This is your article couch. We are in your house. That's correct. Thank you so much for having me. I have been trying to get over here for a fort year.

That's 20 years. Yes, absolutely. Two weeks worth of years. This is an article couch. That is the article Nord chair, another article leather chair. Article has stuff for your bedroom, your living room, your dining room, a little bit of everything. Do you have an outside? We have an outside.

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That's my shirt. I'm talking. Yeah, that's my shirt. Sure. Alright. So if you're in the need of a sofa, a chair, a table of any kind, we highly recommend Article. You can see it on their website, article.com. You can see it on this video. And if you want to get $50 off your first Article order, go to article.com slash if I were you. Open up a new tab. That's article.com slash if I were you.

$49 flat rate shipping. That's a nice shipping deal. All right. Coming from a guy who moves weight across the country, that's a pretty good shipping deal. And it's $50 off if you go to article.com. If I were you. So if you're in the need of upgrading any type of furniture in your home. Or if you want to have the same couch as Amir Blumenfeld himself.

Oh, I should look up my exact sofa so we can be couch twins of sorts. It's the semi-volcanic gray sofa that is true uh go to article.com slash if i were you thank you to article for bringing us not only back on a thursday but as part of a video episode yeah toda article let's get starticle nice yes one second i have to play this song Sure So you like StarTacle right? How does a ragtag uninvolved podcast In need of some sponsors Somehow provide me with insightful answers

How do they emerge with jokes And pokes and satire Alleviating me from a situation that dire Turns out they don't mind being rude One immigrant, American, who's happy to compute And his buddy who loves him despite the lack of reciprocity Everyone give it up for the internet's biggest curiosity They're taking your ears by surprise, giving advice, trying to save lives

And they're gonna see the cheese wearing me on these I can coin score on the Game Boy Search, drum, laughing, dude. Relaxing, dude. Just hanging, dude. Jake and me. Mom turned down the podcast. Jake and me.

I'm going to get some ass. Holy shit. And that was the inspiration for Hamilton. No, Hamilton. I think this song. Hamilton, because this song was sent to us 11 days ago. And when did Hamilton come out? Years ago.

Right. Well, we don't out? Years ago. Right. Well, we don't know when she wrote the song. It says it's a Hamilton. Don't try to act like you're cracking a case. You're not right. She said, I wrote a Hamilton-themed theme song. Original, I know. I can't quite spit bars like Daveed Diggs,

who's the actor in the show. Okay. But what are you gonna do? Best Nikita. This is like a case of he said she said. No but it's everyone saying the same thing. So he said and she said are both agreeing. But what I'm saying is that. And then there's like this third even dumber voice that's

saying actually that's not true. I'm just saying we don't know all of the facts because she didn't say exactly. We know when the email was sent but not when the song was written. Okay. so should i just fake agree with you would that give you enough of a win to shut up uh i guess so i think you could be right that's pretty neat and just to play devil's advocate oh my god when did because i think you're playing came out recently you're playing angel's advocate and And everyone is the angel. All right.

And you're a devil. I think Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote the Hamilton shit a long time ago. Correct. I think, I don't know if this song. Don't call it the Hamilton shit. All right. It's like one of the most well-respected pieces of anything ever. Yeah.

So when you say he wrote the Hamilton shit, it makes it sound like it's a tweet or something that was casually tossed aside one day. Did you see Hairspray? That one's neat too. That one? That one, the musical. What's that one about?

It's the motion of the ocean and the... Nice. Nice. Try to stop the beat. So that one was written by Nikita. Thank you. Can we get a hairspray? Nikita, if you're listening, will you write another one?

We want more of this one hairspray related. You can't stop the cast. You think anyone's ever seen hair and then hairspray oh good question it's called the the hair double feature i was trying to think of a really shitty musical and i couldn't and i guess that's because the shitty ones you forget and don't see right or like the shitty ones never even make it to broadway yeah like is there is there a notoriously bad musical cats i know that one is made fun of a lot, but is it considered bad? Yeah. I mean, I've never saw it.

Les Mis? Is that one considered not good? Is that one basic? Oh, my God. Is Les Mis basic? Hold on. BuzzFeed says it's not. But there's a fucking video of Hugh Jackman fucking ordering a latte at Starbucks. Is Logan basic? Huge jacked man. But there's a fucking video of Hugh Jackman fucking ordering a latte at Starbucks. Really?

Is Logan basic? Huge jacked man. The most basic man of all. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. Jake. We are in my home. Yes.

This is my new house. This is your new sofa. We are doing this as a video as well, so you can watch it later. You can watch it now. If you're at the gym, you don't have to like pause and then start searching for YouTube and stuff like that.

I'd say you do. Okay. Pause and search for us on YouTube. Yeah. It'll be on the HeadGum or if I were you. Are you guys catching, can you see how empty the wall is back there?

Yeah. You think I should get a nice piece? I think you should get a piece. Yeah. Like a really nice piece. A framed photo of some peas. What about a what? I was gonna do like a black

light of Belushi drinking whiskey. Oh, that's cool. So like you can't see it unless there's a black light. You know what would be neat? It's like a couple shelves and then like every can of beer. Like if you ever finish a can of beer. I've never finished a can, but I can dump the rest like a wounded soldier. Yeah, it doesn't matter. Even if you just crack it

and then stack it. So a full open can of beer. You ever do like a staff party where it's like you, every time you drink a beer, you duct tape it to a staff. And you look like a wizard because you got a fucking like 30 can staff. Have you ever done

Edward Forty Hands? Oh, yeah. So you're drinking malt liqueur, and then instead of liqueur- It's taped to your hands? Yeah, it's taped to your hands. So right over here, I was going to put a poster of that. I don't drink beer. You got your ass kicked a lot in college. Yeah.

I was nearly beaten to death nine times. You showed up with Edward Forty Handsands at the dining hall for breakfast. What about instead of beer, it's like a can of tuna? So you're just like a hoarder. All the wounded fish soldiers. Yeah, and what if you just shit into bags so you don't have to flush it down the toilet and put it in the freezer? You don't like to get rid of shit. Wait, you're talking about art now or just composting?

Whatever. If I'm not taking a dump on the floor, then I'm not doing it right. So despite the fact that this is a very special episode of this here podcast, it's going to be a little traditional too. As always, these are real emails from real people. You know what I did is I searched the word couch in our email box. Very nice. A lot of questions around this

sphere. A lot of silly things happen on a couch. Yeah, it's kind of like a sexy item of furniture. Yeah. It's like before you go into the bedroom, there's always a little couch time. Yeah, you got to do some petting on the sofa. It's the make or break furniture. You said couch, not sofa? Yeah. Oh, what's the difference? I don't think there is a difference, but there is a difference in the people, different types of people say sofa versus couch. So is it like an East Coast, West Coast thing? I'm a guy that says both. I don't like to be tied down. You're so afraid to make a commitment to anything. You think that makes you worldly? Oftentimes I'll just call it seating. So you'll say like- I like to play Kate.

And vacate. And vape Kate. oh yeah how is kate doing she's high absolutely yeah that's right uh all right we need uh a female's name triscuit um bean cool man and you wanted me to what? Come up with a name? Jessica Dorf. What was the yelling for? Huh? 30 seconds ago, you yelled Triscuit Bean.

You said, do you have a name? And then I said, Jessica something, Jessica Dorf. All right. Huh. Triscuit? What's happening? Need advice. SOS. SOS.! What's happening? Need advice. SOS.

So there's this guy who's my friend, and he comes over to watch movies and smoke weed a lot. Tonight he texts me and asks me my plans and then invites himself over. So he comes over, and we get stoned, and we watch The Flintstones. Cartoon or movie? The film. Probably the cartoon. Then he falls asleep and wakes up at the end. Oh, so maybe it is the movie. I think it Probably the cartoon. Then he falls asleep and wakes up at the end. Awesome. Maybe it is the movie.

I think it's the movie. I ask him if he's staying here tonight. And then I ask him if he wants to stay with me in my bed to stay warmer. Yabba dabba doo. Nice. He kind of just... The Flintstones. Sorry.

He kind of just asks me if I'm skiing tomorrow, then falls asleep on my couch, question mark. I've had a huge crush on him for so long and I feel so rejected so my question is do I still have hope help he is so hard to understand because he is always stoned oh so this stoner watches the flint stones stone and then he's out cold and then he wants to know if this lady's going skiing. I don't think she's hit bedrock bottom. Bam, bam. Very nice.

Very nice. Oh, you know what? Sorry, she's watching the Jetsons. Oh, okay. Of course, the fucking... Boy. His boy Jetson and Elroy. Elroy. You know, L. Ron Hubbard was named after Elroy.

Really? Yeah, his real name is Elroy Heboyd. Elroy Hubbard. Hubbard, yeah. That's right. Futuristic. All right. So, yeah. Do you have any experience with confused

stoner guys that just don't really make sense because they just get high and fall asleep yeah I don't it feels to me as if weed is a little bit of a less sexy drug you never like get stoned and then you're like oh I'm feeling randy now well I don't but I'm sure

some people do I mean maybe like you see hippies in the 70s sort of getting high and then making out. Making love. Yeah, totally. But I still don't... I don't think it's like a good hookup drug. You like the uppers. I do like the uppers.

I'm all about just like a nice glass of wine, crystal meth, blow two rails, coke. Oh my God. Crack. And you're fucking feeling freaky. Why the wine? It's an aphrodisiac. You don't need the Merlot aspect of that. Insane. It's a malbec. It's absolutely a malbec. The drug

cocktail. A rich, full-bodied red. And so is she. I can't fucking breathe. And I'm a slender white. What? That's you as a wine. But how would you describe the wine as slender? If it's really, really thin.

It's a borderline watery white. So white. Barely a grape. I think that there's still perhaps hope, but doesn't it feel like you've got to do sexier things if you like somebody? Don't just invite them over to watch cartoons and get stoned on your couch. That could be a sexy thing, watching TV, sitting on a couch. You just said that's not true.

That could be a sexy thing, watching TV. Yeah. That's not sexy. It could be if you're watching a movie together or watching on a TV, then you sit closer, then you're watching, then together or watching on a TV. Then you sit closer. Then you're watching. Then you're maybe holding hands, cuddling closer and closer, depending on the movie, depending on the darkness of the room.

I think watching a movie or TV can be sexy. I don't think it can be as sexy as going out and getting a drink. But that's... A night on the town. That's not necessarily sexy either. I mean, it can go both ways. That's in public. So how much sexy time can you have

when you're out and about in a public bar? You get drunk. You kissy-kissy. You hand-hold. There's a little canoodling. And then you say, let's get out of here. Let's go back to my place.

Oh, actually, getting him out might be a good idea because it seems like he's a narcoleptic stoner man who will fall asleep. What? What? He said, do you want an appetizer? This guy's just passing out. Oh, actually, this guy's just constantly asleep.

He's a sleepy stoner man. So maybe that'll be the way to do it. Like, test him out by dragging him away. Buy him a vodka Red Bull. Just wake him up. A five-hour. Yeah, if he has a five-hour energy, it'll be like dragging him away. Buy him a vodka Red Bull. Just wake him up. A five-hour... He needs... Yeah, if he has a five-hour energy, it'll be like a limitless pill for him.

He won't know what to do. He's speaking Mandarin. Is that what it is? You just learn language quickly? You can do everything quickly. That's the five-hour energy difference. I've had a crush on him for so long, I feel so rejected. My question is, do I have hope?

I think she still has hope Because otherwise he wouldn't even go over Yeah, I think there's The fact that he's sleeping on your couch Is at least like No door has been shut Yeah And it's so hard to understand

Because he's always stoned He might be stoned if you drag him out of the home But at the very least he won't be falling asleep. Yeah. And if he is falling asleep, maybe you should stop having a crush on him. Totally. If he's asleep all the time.

Yeah, that means he's dead. He's a narcoleptic stoner. That would be good. All right. So that was quick and painless. Easy one. Thanks, Sally, for writing that in. Do you have...

Actually, her name was something else by the end. I see. Jessica or Triscuit. Oh, yeah. Thank you, Jessica or Triscuit Bean for writing in. Thank you. Do you have a guy's name for us? Dale!

Dale! So many vowels. Dale! Dale! Macaroon. You shouldn't scream. I didn't. It is funny that we're having a conversation both sitting on a couch facing the same way.

Yeah, it's tough. Actually, do you mind if we watch the Flintstones? As long as I'm baked and out. Out cold and out holding me. Barney's always ruining shit for Fred. I'm serious. Kick this guy out of the curb. Actually, speaking of kicking people out to the curb,

what is this guy's name? Dale? Dale writes. Crouton. With his girl for two years. Danish. All right, I forgot about your new snacks. So in a salad, you have little Danish croutons.

And you'll mix that into a kale Caesar or a cob. And sometimes I'll omit the kale. Sometimes it's just the Danish. So little Danish croutons or just the size of a Danish? Oftentimes I'm more into just having a Danish or three. So no salad, no croutons or just the size of it? Oftentimes I'm more into just having a Danish or three. So no salad, no croutons, just a Danish and sometimes three Danish's. Oftentimes three Danish's. What'd you have for breakfast this morning?

Four or five Danish's. So you've had three, you've had four Danish's. I had five Danish's. I said four or five. I gave myself a little leeway. It was five. If I'm being dead serious with you, it was six. And I resent the line of questioning.

Let's break for lunch. I packed nine danishes. It's like a Big Mac, but literally every ingredient is a danish. Including the bun, which is two Danishes each. A Danish sandwich. Let's make this Danish. That's when you replace it with a Danish. You want to go Dutch on this Danish?

I really don't know what a Danish is, to be fully honest. It's like a flattened sweet croissant, often filled with cheese cheese oh no i'm lactose intolerant they don't have cream uh i guess it's like a middle i think what i want i think what i need is a cinnabon is that not a danish uh that's a good question new tab oh you're getting glaze on my keyboard you fucking glazer you got glaze on the home key you You got glaze on the bottom row. So one key and the bottom row?

Yeah, the home keys. The home keys. The top row. The home keys. The H, the O, the M, and the E. The E key. Here's a crazy thing. You could probably type without looking,

but can you name every letter on the bottom row of a keyboard? Sure. I don't even want you to go in order. Z-B-L-M-O-Q? Did I get one? Z was correct. Can you name what's next to the Z? R. So wrong! R is a top row key.

Just imagine, start writing. What? You got it wrong alright X that's correct ZXC correct blank blank

MN blank blank N and then M L no no come on

Hurwitz Thick you've typed out a fucking keyboard before the problem is you don't set your keyboard to QWERTY which is the Come on, Hurwitz Thick! You've typed on a fucking keyboard before. The problem is you don't set your keyboard to QWERTY, which is the international standard. Jake goes alphabetical only.

V? No way, my keyboard's different. It has to be. It has to be. ZXC VBNM. Interesting. You can type without looking But you never like list I wonder if you could do the middle row

Because that's a little easier Yeah, A-S-D-F Okay, so now you're just This is an eye exam at this point We're on video Can you do the top row? That one's impossible Well, QWERTY is obviously the top

Oh yeah, totally Alright, focus Sure This guy, Dale, writes Oh, yeah. Totally. All right. Focus. Sure. This guy, Dale, writes, I've been living with a girl for two years, and we've gotten to the point where I want our relationship to end. Here are the deets. We met on Tinder, and I immediately moved in. I was in a dorm room, and she was in an apartment.

And after we met... Moved in, like, not making a move. Moved in, like... Oh, they live together. I got it. And after I met her, I never went back to my dorm. When I wanted to move back like, not making a move. Moved in, like, uh... Oh, they live together. I got it. And after I met her, I never went back to my dorm. When I wanted to move back home, she came with me.

So we've been together and living together for two years. We talked about moving out next month, but lo and behold, her friend backed out at the last second. That was my out, damn it. So now I'm back to where I was to begin with. I want to break up. But since we moved across the state, she has nowhere to go if we break up.

We are living in my house, so I don't know what to do. Do I tell her ahead of time and awkwardly stay roommates while she's looking for a place to stay? Do I force her to go couch surfing until she gets her own place? Do I couch surf until she gets her own place?

What the hay do I do? Love, I don't know, Dale Triscuit Bean. Something like that. No don't know dale triscuit bean something like that no it wasn't triscuit bean danish danish have you ever had a danish no i just found out what one was i feel like we haven't talked about that enough uh so the living together breakup who leaves how do you leave what do you do? You kick someone to the curb. You kick yourself to the curb. This is like a growing up thing because now I know the answer.

I've been through this. You've been through this. And what's the answer? You leave. You leave. The person who breaks up leaves. Yeah, because you don't want to say I break up and also you leave. Get your shit. You say we are breaking up.

This is really unfortunate. I'm going to get out of your hair. You do your thing. Find a new place to live. Yeah. And then you find an intermediate because you're not – I didn't move all my shit like that day. I'm like, I will go away. Here's your space.

Yep. You have the time to do what you need to do. See, this would be a more interesting question if this guy was like, I broke up with her, I left, I was like, take your time, find a new spot, and it's been four months.

Yeah. What do I do? I've heard about the we broke up but still live together situation. Don't do that. That's a hard situation. It's not good.

That's a bad situation. No bueno. That's not a good place to be. No. So you leave, she stays, you find an intermediate place, a friend, an air bed and breakfast. And then you sleep there.

It is weird that that's the full name of the company, huh? Yeah. Great idea for a company. Weird name. Of course. You know when you stay at a place. It's a bed and breakfast. Right.

So this is an Airbnb. Oh. I see. And the host will cook me breakfast? No. Okay, I'm in. Any questions about the air part? No wonder that company's going under.

It's actually doing pretty well. Really? I could have been an early fucking investor. Didn't appreciate the name, so I backed out. All right, so the advice quite simply is you want to break up. Yeah. You leave. You got to go.

She stays. She figures her stuff out. Hopefully she doesn't spend months and months there. Yeah, can you implement a time limit? You're like, hey, I'm going to leave for a month, or I'm going to leave for two weeks and like that should be enough time. Yeah. Yeah.

But then what if she's like, no, I want to stay. You leave forever. Well, then I guess, I mean, I feel like oftentimes people that are sharing an apartment can't afford it on their own. Right. They'd have to find a replacement. Yeah. I don't think it's a one bedroom.

It's rare that it's like two people fighting to stay in the place. Right. Unless it's an awesome place. Yeah. I don't think it's a one bedroom. It's rare that it's like two people fighting to stay in the place. Right. Unless it's an awesome place. Yeah. And I think that's a reason why a lot of people jump the gun on moving in together

is like, you know, if we pool our money together, we don't have to have roommates. We can get a dope ass one bedroom together. Yeah. And then you move in,

you do that, your house is awesome, but you realize you don't like each other and you're like, okay, well we have to move out, but I have to leave this awesome place now. want to break up with you not the house yeah i

like the house can you keep on paying your half the rent is that legal yeah it's legal to pay it it's just unfortunate no one would do it it's unfortunate to have it legal to pay it, sad to rent it, good to lease it, okay to own, fine to default, and bad to go to debtor's prison. Why fine to default? I don't know. My dad always told me that, but that quote doesn't make sense, actually. Yeah, can I credit karma? Your score is, oh, very low.

My wrist is broken. Actually, with all of our ailments they usually happen in the bottom half of our body i don't know what happened if i hurt myself from the waist up you got stitches in your pinky the other week that didn't help that was an example of it um yeah both of my feet are injured right now that's not good i walk around like a fucking pirate that has two peg legs yeah because i'm so unsteady and scared. Because limping is just favoring one foot. Yeah.

And you can favor no feet. You're just, you're like stumbling. Weirdly enough, when I hurt my left foot and I limped on my right for the last two weeks, my right heel, my heel is hurting less and less. Oh, because you're using it more and more, it's hurting less and less. Yeah. I don't know what it is, but I'm like, maybe I'm limping in a new way or starting to favor my right foot instead. Oh.

Because for so long, I have no idea what it is. But for whatever reason, right foot's feeling good. Left one's hurt. Interesting. And in a totally new place, the top of it. You never really think about the top of your foot. Yeah. Like I'm walking on the bottom.

Yeah. Why does the top hurt? What's going on at the top of your foot. Yeah, like I'm walking on the bottom. Yeah. Why does the top hurt? What's going on at the top of a foot? What's going on there? Ah, God, that does hurt. Yeah. Turf toe or what are we thinking? Yeah, I turf toed it.

So that means you bent your like big toe back? Yeah, it's sort of like rolling your ankle, except it's like rolling your toe. I hyperextended my right toe. Yeah. So if your foot was a body, you hurt the foot of your foot. Oh, very nice, but that's enough. I'm just saying, like, your feet hurt so much, even your foot's foot hurt. Now, that's more than enough, man. Let's move on. Next question. You're so fragile that... I wonder if it looks like I'm hitting you in the video. Okay, let's try it.

Well, on her camera. On that camera, Jeff. Maybe on this camera it does. You punch across the face. Not everything is an argument. Yes, everything is an argument. Let's argue it. Point, counterpoint.

I want to take the position that not everything is debatable. And you agree. That is the... Your Honor. All right. The end. That's enough. Let's take a break.

We'll come back. We'll answer some more questions. But we wanted to thank, one one more time Article for bringing us here for outfitting this room for outfitting my house for outfitting your house fitting we thoroughly appreciate it Article and if you can take a look

if you're watching it on YouTube you can see the quality you can see Amir's shitty house filled with nice furniture it really ups the value absolutely I love the Nord chair Shitty house filled with nice furniture. It's really putting lipstick on a pig. It really ups the value. Absolutely. Absolutely it is. I love the Nord chair.

I love this Senny volcanic gray sofa, this leather chair. I have a dining table, dining chairs. They have bed stuff. Recently, they got outdoor furniture that they didn't have available when I started ordering from Michael. How do you feel when you – I know oftentimes when you're at home, you're lonely, scared, depressed, angry, and sometimes hangry. Yeah. And he depressed. That's when I'm hangry and depressed.

I'm he pressed. I'm starving and sad. Starving. And mad. It's sad thing. And had. That's when you're hungry and mad. Yeah.

And I'm glad. You don't eat enough. That's when I'm eating grapes with a lad. But do you enjoy the feel of the sofa? Is it a cozy sofa? I mean, we got kind of lucky because we were just blindly trusting Article to send us comfortable furniture. We knew it looked great, but we didn't know it felt great. They don't have showrooms, which allows them to not mark up their furniture.

So the couch that we're sitting on was a cheaper couch than the one that you had originally bought. Less than $1,000. Yeah. Less than $1,000. And we're here to tell you that you don't have to worry. You don't have to be afraid that these sofas and chairs aren't comfortable. We sat on it. We took the risk right away because we're trying them out, and they're great.

Yeah. They're very comfortable. And everything they have is pretty darn sturdy. When I was doing furniture shopping, you know, I was browsing around, and some pieces looked great, but then when they got here, they weren't great. Right, right. All these pieces are very sturdy, and they're when they got here, they weren't great. Right, right. All these pieces are very sturdy and they're actually built well and they're actually comfortable and they look good and they're inexpensive because they don't have a store.

What they do have is people like me and Jake telling you about them. That's what's up. So if you want to, I don't know, maybe get a dresser for your bedroom or a bench or a dining room table, you don't have to break the bank. You can go to article.com. What's that? I just said coffee table. Got it.

They're nice. You can go to article.com slash ifireyou, and not only are the prices low, but you get an extra $50 off if you use that URL. That's correct. So go to article.com slash ifireyou, browse their collection. I mean, this is a really nice bed. I don't know what to tell you guys. Their stuff is really well made. Go to their website and see what we're seeing this second.

And I feel like if you're at the point where you're ready to graduate from an Ikea-type store, I mean, this dresser, the Kola, the Kola collection. Oh, my God. You don't have to spend a lot of money for some awesome furniture, especially if you go to article.com slash ifrvu, $50 off. And what did you say? It was like $49 flat rate shipping. Yeah, you don't have to pay an arm and a leg for shipping.

And they came here and assembled the furniture. So I didn't have to assemble. White glove, brother. Yeah, that was a solid get too. Check them out. Can't recommend them enough. They also call you. This is the last thing I'll say.

Okay. This wasn't even a talking point. But they call you to schedule your delivery, and they're so flexible. Like, I scheduled my delivery. Like, I had to reschedule it. I had to, like, change the address on one of them. It was great. It's funny because you did write the addresses on them perfect.

Yeah. But you just had to change them a little bit. Yeah, just a little. I flipped the script. Yeah. I just wanted to on them perfect. Yeah. But you just had to change them a little bit. Yeah, just a little. I flipped the script. Yeah. I just wanted to test them out. And? Incredible.

They passed. So thanks, article. And check them out. Do check them out whether you need, I don't know, anything in your house. They're great. What else can we say? All right. Should we try to answer a couple more questions?

Let's do it. See who we can help. I saw, and I'm looking at your inbox, there was a, go to the inbox, inbox, right there. Inbox, inbox. There was a, oh, summer camp. I just want to read that one. Oh, blind? Yeah.

We never read this email. No. It was written to us at 4 a.m. last night. Yeah. You ready? Subject summer camp. I mean, I feel like it can't be bad here we go spam 2 000 words oh this is good not too long all right okay uh let's call this guy bus face grapefruit Grapefruit! That's our episode. Huh?

That's the end of the show. Really? Did it take me a while? I go into this... Trans of sorts. Yeah. It's like tunnel vision, except the reverse, where I only see a black hole. It's like you're wearing binoculars backwards.

Yeah. So everything seems super far away, despite the fact that it's close. Small. I'll never get there. I'll never get there. And then I'm in it, and I scream something.

In this case, it was bus face grapefruit. All things. And I'm just like, what the friggin' F am I even doing? What the friggin' F? Yeah. What the friggin' F, man?

What's the second F? Fuck. What the friggin' fuck? Fuck. And friggin' is instead of fuck. Well, yeah. So what the fuck? I don't want to curse too much.

Bus Face Grapefruit writes, I'm in a really sticky situation And I need your advice I'm a teen from Israel Hell yeah Amir has been there In junior year of high school And I really want to go to summer camp As a counselor somewhere in the states

For half the summer The problem is I don't know if I can waste all the time at camp Because after the summer There will be a lot of tests For the army And I would like to study most of the summer. So should I take this summer and study for what I'm going to be spending three years of my life doing

or should I go to camp and have a great time and may finally have my first kiss or even hook up? If I do go to summer camp, do you have any tips on how to hook up with someone in a summer camp or a funny story about it? I never went to summer camp, but I think it's hard to not hook up in summer camp is summer camp or a funny story about it i never went to summer camp but i think it's hard to not hook up in summer camp is what i've gleaned i mean i had some broke ass friends who at the very least got an hj at summer i know freaking over no are you kidding me well he is jesus christ i hate that guy over isfer's my favorite. Who jerked him? I mean, Christ, actually, we brought her down.

Let's talk to her. Jesus Christ. Sniffing another day. Slut shaving. I mean, if you're about to go to the Army for three years, don't spend the summer studying. Spend it hooking up at summer camp. But then what if he doesn't study?

I think you still get into the army because they kind of need you in it yeah it's mandatory army so it's funny if the army gives you a test if you fail you don't get to go to the army yeah or is it the opposite where it's like he failed and now his punishment is the army i don't know there's a lot of people that proudly serve. Absolutely. You're a draft-touching coward. I was actually... 30 different jokes came by, and I feel bad saying all of them. All of them, yeah, of course.

We appreciate our armed servicemen and women. To be sure. So, how about best of both worlds? You go to summer camp, hook up, you have two long flights, and a lot of long nights. Whenever you're not like, fucking

finger deep in poon at summer camp, that's when you could be studying. Yeah. Would you say? I would say. Okay. And I am saying. Alright. And I appreciate you saying it for me, because I didn't want to go to the third base one. You didn't want to say poon. I didn't want to say poon.

That's fair. It felt off color in the moment. It felt off base to say it for me, too. Off third base. Yeah, but you know what? Everybody goes to summer camp, and they're all trying to get to third base with each other. So it's a nice thing to do and to have and to be there. But you don't want to get picked off.

You know when you take too much... Are you talking about the army? Oh, dear God. Yes, of course I'm talking about the army. So stay alert, brother. All right. Let's get to one more furniture-related question.

Should we briefly say that we're going on the road to many, many places? Oh, that's true. But when does this episode come out? You know, I think maybe after our Australia tour. All right. Welcome back from Australia, buddy.

Thank you. How was it? It was pretty good. It's funny if this is just on YouTube and we're both in a prison somewhere off the coast of Tasmania. Australian prison in Cairns. Yeah, this was a fun little a respite that we had the calm before the storm before we both got thrown

into this videotape against us somehow so here you go they were talking about a super cut of me saying poon teenagers over here well this is probably illegal alright let's get to

one last question yeah so that's all you want to say about the tour oh yes shit you're right where are we all you want to say about the tour? Oh, yes. Shit, you're right. Where are we going?

You say that while I look for questions. We're going to Hotlanta, Hot Raleigh, Hot D.C., Hot Philly, and Hot Brooklyn. Three Hots, one Not. Not Brooklyn. Nice. I'm saying Not Brooklyn is not the Hot Not one. We're going to Brooklyn. Yeah, but it's not the Hot one. And Denver and Tempe. I'm saying not Brooklyn is not the hot not one. We're going to Brooklyn. Yeah, but it's not not the hot one. And Denver and Tempe.

I think you're... Those are the not hot ones. You might be confusing people rather than illuminating where we're going. We're going to every city I said. How's that? They fucking get it. We need another lady's name. Actually, why don't I give it to you?

Let's see here. Pasta! I can say, like, Sarah. Tanner! Last name could be dresser. Because that would be like, your nose is bleeding. You're crying, you're sweaty. You're upset. You said Sarah?

Or I would mention doing pasta. You mentioned pasta and I said Sarah. How about Sarah pasta? It's perfect. It's Fonte's perfect. All right. Sarah pasta is really, really bad at dealing with the morning after a hookup i never know what to do the peak or trough is it of the situation took place in college

after seeing this guy that i had a huge crush on several times i finally stayed the night with him he was so nice and respectful and even cuddled with me afterwards and that's not my style but i did it anyway until we. Until we fell asleep. It got weird when I woke up a few hours later. Ha, that's what you said. That's not my style. There's nothing cooler than admitting when something's not your style. It got weird when I woke up a few hours later because I heard him in the bathroom

with what can only be described as extreme flatulence and I assume diarrhea. Kanye's got some sort of irritable bowels in his mouth. Who's going to change Kanye's diaper? I pretended to be asleep and not notice because I felt bad for him. And am I a decent person? And I am a decent person. Sure. Or so I thought. The next morning, I tried to leave while he was still sleeping as to avoid the morning after awkwardness. He woke up while I was walking out of the bedroom and said good morning, to which I responded good morning and then left and he never talked to me again. I feel like figuring out how to deal with awkward

mornings is something I should have learned in college. And I thought I had them figured out until that specific encounter. So my question is, is it rude to leave in the morning while the guy is still asleep? Should I wait until he wakes up and talk to him before leaving? What do you guys prefer? And what do guys prefer in general? Thanks. Love, Sarah, pasta. Okay. Everyone's got different preferences. Yeah. I like the... I do prefer the sleepover.

A lot of guys are like, I prefer to sleep in the bed by myself. Oh, yeah. No, I don't like that. So we're both on that page. I'm a cuddler. I'm a snuggler. But I don't know if that's average or not. I can't really speak to what's average.

Two out of two. I assume we're not in the minority there. What about in the morning? Do you prefer the sneak out, the say goodbye, the hang out? I definitely do not like a sneak out. If I wake up and somebody's gone, I'm like, what did I do wrong? Got it. That's probably why the guy hasn't called.

Oh. He might be afraid that he did something wrong. Yeah. I mean, he probably flashed back to him shitting all over his bathroom. He's like, she heard shit. And now he's like, I'm uncomfortable. Right. So no sneak out.

Do you like a sneak out? I don't like a sneak out. But what I do perhaps enjoy is the sneak out light. The, hey, I'm going to go whisper wake up, saying goodbye really warmly, and then leaving. I definitely prefer that to an extended brunch. Yeah, because then- Or like, hey, we're watching TV. Should we order breakfast?

Right. That's my nightmare. You just don't want to assume anything. I always assume- You're the smartest in the room. Yeah, why do I assume I'm the smartest in the room? I always assume that the person doesn't necessarily want to spend a lot of time with me, so I'm like, hey, listen, you do your thing, I'll do my thing. If this was meant to happen again, it'll happen again. Nothing too good can come out of hanging out for an extended period of time

right after that. It's always easier to leave when you're the sleeper over. Yeah. Like, but what if you wake up and you're like, hey, hey, you gotta go. Yeah, I don't want to kick someone out. You have to like follow a lead there. Or you can say like, I gotta go. I'm leaving my house. You stay here, do your thing.

And then peace out. Do you ever leave somebody here? I'm okay leaving because usually if they're here, I trust them to a certain extent. It's never like a stranger danger. But it's also a guy leaving a lady here, which is like, I feel like a lady has to trust a guy more. Right, right, right. Also, what was I going to say? Oh, in the morning, I don't feel like I'm my best self.

I'm never like waking up and be like, my breath smells great. My face is awesome. I'm good to go. I don't need a shower'm my best self. I'm never waking up and be like, my breath smells great. My face is awesome. I'm good to go. I don't need a shower to brush my teeth. Let's have eggs. Yeah. So I'm usually excusing myself for personal reasons where it's like, I have to freshen me.

Because last night, I probably didn't get to floss. Yeah. So you need to go home and use your water pick. I really would like to use my water pick. And you hadn't slept with your grind guard, so we know you didn't get a full night's rest. Yeah, I'm getting some sort of, I'm getting molar damage just being there. Now let me tell you, let me ask you a question, a query, if you will. Do you think having morning sex alleviates the awkwardness?

Because I find that it does a little bit because then it's like you're saying, listen, last night wasn't a complete insane, drunken, forgettable mistake. It was a fun time. I still like this in the morning too. Yeah. This is fine in the morning as well. This is a good time. And now that that is complete, now we can, you know, spend the days our separate ways. And then if it's going really well,

you can text all day. And like, I feel like that's the highest extent separate ways. And then if it's going really well, you can text all day. And I feel like that's the highest extent of it. Yeah, yeah. The nighttime fun, the morning thing, texting all day. You don't have to spend all day together. So that's my advice. So how does she make it a little less awkward? What do you guys prefer?

I think she played it right. No, she tried to sneak out. Yeah, I guess she got caught. It wasn't like a wake-up. I don't advise a sneak-out ever. Not even a saying goodbye in the morning? I think you have, even if you're like, sneak, even if you want to like get dressed and dip real quick, I think you have to say,

you have to announce that you're leaving and that everything is good. But you announce while you're getting dressed, like as you're leaving? Well, I mean, if you really want to, if you are like so scared of having an interaction in the morning that you want to get up, get ready, and just lean over and be like, hey, I have to run. Thank you. Last night was fun.

Whatever. Do that. But I do not think just get dressed, don't say anything, leave. And fine, if you do that, if you're really, really nervous, then send a text. Oh, or what about the note leaving? That's pretty cute. Yeah, but you don't need to write that. You don't have to rubbish through somebody's drawers and write to Ben. that if you're really really nervous then send a text oh or what about the the note leaving that's pretty cute yeah but you don't need to write that you have to like rubbish to somebody's doors and

drawers yeah or you bring your own station they wake up they're like hey you're robbing me uh no i'm not eating half of a banana you leave you have danish that's why i have little cards that say last night was a and then a blank so I just need a little mini golf pencil, and I'll rate it. You want to grade? One through ten, and I actually prefer if the lady rates me two. Jesus Christ. Kind of like a comment card at a restaurant.

Or like an Airbnb experience. You get an email, Amir has reviewed you. Review him to see the review. And I don't really have a review. I just want to sort of grade myself. You troll. I'm on Yelp. I just want to sort of grade myself. You troll. I'm on Yelp.

I actually have one and a half stars on Yelp. Have you ever seen your Lulu score? My what? Your Lulu score? No, I haven't seen my Lulu score. That means it's not good. They only advertise the good ones. The Lulu leaderboard.

Is Lulu still an app? Do they still do that? I don't know. It seems pretty invasive. It really is a Yelp for humans, right? But only for dudes. Oh, yeah. And it's only for ladies to review guys?

Yeah. What can possibly go wrong? All right. That's our advice. This is what guys like. This is what guys prefer. It's not. Don't sneak out.

Fair? Fair. All right. We're just about out of time. Thank you again, Article, for showing off your lovely furniture in my home. Your house is a showroom. We're actually going to allow some visitors

to come in and peruse. I've raised this window and we just see people window shopping behind us. Gawking photos. Japanese tourists taking pictures in front of my house. Article.com slash ifire were you for $50 off. And check them out. Highly recommend article.

The opening theme song was written by Nikita. It was that Hamilton parody. Closing one. Written by somebody whose only name they gave was Koi Daggers. I wonder if we influenced that in any way. I know I'm selling daggers on the side, so I've been selling little shivs on my Etsy store. Oh, so that sounds a little coy.

Exactly. And if you have your own theme songs or your own emails for us to answer, the email address for everything show related is ifireashow at gmail.com correct uh good night everybody thanks for watching thanks for listening we'll do another episode at your house soon all right listen to if i were you listen to if i Were You with Jake and Amie They will try and help you

They are too fun gorgeous. Give them a try. They will do their best for you. That was a HeadGum Podcast.