Segments - 268: Sex Diary

Episode Date: April 6, 2017

The Gameboy invites us to his house to play a round of his sick game. We discuss sex diaries, walking with your mom, and the most illegal things we've done. This episode brought to you by Article.com. Head to http://www.article.com/ifiwereyou for $50 off your purchase of $100 or more. Watch this episode at http://www.youtube.com/ifiwereyou See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Thank you to Articles for sponsoring this bonus video Thursday episode. And they also sponsored this table being in my house. Which is even more important than if I were you. I would say so.

Yeah, because you get to eat on this table. I eat off the table. And you don't necessarily get to eat off an ad. No, I don't think so. So Article, if you've been able to ascertain so far, is a furniture online store. Yes. They save money by not having a real store. Correct.

There's no showrooms that they have to pay rent for. There's no salespeople that they have to pay wages. And all those savings are passed directly to you and you. Article sent us some furniture. For example, this bench that I'm sitting on. Yes. And this table that we're recording on.

Article has more than just benches and tables, though. They have sofas. They have beds. They have indoor furniture, outdoor furniture, dressers. I don't know if you guys

saw the episode at my house. Chairs, couches, rugs. Every cool thing you need to outfit your home, Article has. And if you go to

article.com slash ifiwereyou, it's $50 off. Correctamundo. So these prices are already low. And they're even lower if you go to article.com slash ifiwereyou. It's kind of a fun little branded episode. We get to showcase the furniture while also producing comedy content. And that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Because I really think we can do this more often.

Oh, let go of my wrist. You unpacked a suitcase in my room. I don't think that was cool. Is all. So check them out. They were nice enough to sponsor this here program. So at the very least, you can go check out article.com slash if I were you. See what's Gucci.

I don't know if you're in the market, but they got something for everybody, I would think. That's true. So thanks, Article, for sponsoring this episode. Why don't we get right into it? I got a theme song for you that'll blow your eyeballs into your brain. I wouldn't want that to happen. All right, so it's slightly worse than that. All right, good.

Who's that smoke show? Can't I see over there? I'll take a shake, or you mail out a mirror What's the answer to my sticky situation? Please help, I need some consultation Listen up, every Monday They will teach you how to slay Just write into the pigeon a meme The advice may not be very clear

TOTA If I was you, I'd email if I were you I'd email if I were you I'd email if I were you If I was you, I'd email if I were you I'd email if I were you. If I was you, I'd email if I were you. I'd email if I were you. I'd email if I were you. I bonked my head when I dabbed.

What happened? I hit my elbow. Oh. Oh. You think someone on earth has died while dabbing? They've dabbed to their death? Yeah, I think so. I think someone has dabbed to their death.

Dabbed so hard they died? That was written by Nolan, but he just wants to shout out his friends Teddy and Shay. Say that I love them and that I miss them. They'll know what that means. This song is an apology. For what? It was a dog whistle.

He obviously wronged Teddy and Shay, decided to write a song, get on the podcast, and use us to say I love you to Teddy and Shay, who, I don't know what he's done to them, but he's stolen from them, robbed them in some way. And now we're implicated in this crime.

I absolutely won't stand for it. In fact, shout out Rescinded. Shoot the messenger. That's right. Shoot the fucking messenger. I don't think so. Thanks, Nolan, for writing that. Thanks for having us in your lovely home.

Yeah, you're welcome. And just remember, as soon as we wrap this, you're out of here. I can get pretty darn comfortable here. I'd hate for you to. I can see a world where this is our home. I would hate that, frankly. Would you say your casa

is Sue's casa? No. I saw your roommate Sue in the bathroom. Yeah, well, me and Sue's casa is not Sue casa. Oh, so you have

me as casa, Me casa is Sue's casa, but your casa is not Sue's casa. So whose casa is it? Whose casa? Sue's casa, but not Sue casa.

Got it. So Sue's casa because it's Sue's casa suz casa but not su casa got it so suz casa because it's k pasa very good thank you very good thank you uh this is a politics podcast now all right so let's talk about this this this fucking craziness yeah we have to because we're recording this a little so we just have to assume in a month can you believe he said that i can't believe he said that i can't believe he did that and i can't believe the media reported it in the way they did yeah and now he's getting all mad at them dude it is just uh what a shit show what a shit show and we're talking about president pence because of course trump was impeached yes of course then we all know that all, good. Oh, yeah. This is a video podcast, I should say. Yes. We're recording this on cameras as well as microphones.

If you're listening, that's fine. You can hear it just like a regular program. But then if you want a little more action, if you're at your computer and you're curious as to what we look like while we're talking. Sound like. Or what our, oh, I guess sound like they know. Yeah.

But they could be inside our homes. That's right. We're actually shooting the third installment of this video podcast in my bathroom. Hmm? You taking a shit, me taking a bath. In the room.

Oh, in the room. Oh, it is the bathroom. Of course. And the shit room. The room where shit happens. Nice, dude. We cannot have enough Hamilton references.

I know. Oh, yeah. We're going to put it on our YouTube channel, so odds are you can watch it there youtube.com slash if I were you

I believe that is and thanks to Article for making this happen mucho appreciated yes so we usually begin the show by saying that

these are real emails from real people they're emails that came to us people seeking our guidance our advice our our wisdom. Naturally, we are smart. Oh, shoot.

Sorry. I have relish on my butt. Why? I sat on a pickle a week ago. Now it's a relish. Anyway, so people write us and they're seeking our wisdom. We usually have the questions in advance, but we thought, you know what? We're on video.

Why don't we do the video debut of Do you happen to live with the Game Boy? Let me see if he's here. I'm just going to check under the table. He might be here, and he might not be.

I'm going to just see if he's here. Okay. One second. Don't hit your head we're waiting it doesn't have to be well yeah we'll cut so it's just however long you want to take it really shouldn't even be this long just come up right now sorry what did you say never mind mind. Did you want me to... I was going to see if he's here. No, yeah. It just takes a minute to find him. All right. So, okay. It really, yeah.

It's just down and up would be how it looked. Oh! Is that him? I can't tell you. No. Oh, it's not him. Not yet. That was you impersonating him.

Oh! Oh, okay. He's here! Yeah. Oh! And to think he looks just like you. He's usually in a sideways hat. You don't have him with you right now.

Not for a second. At the very least, we could try the voice. The Game Boy, the way the Game Boy works is that we have about 15,000 emails in our inbox. We do our best to find the best questions, but we can't read all these emails. So the Game Boy allows us to leave it up to the email gods to hopefully find a question we wouldn't otherwise find. We search a specific word, and ideally to win the game, we only have one question with that word in it.

Those are the rules. Those are the rules of the game. Those are the rules of the game. If there's more, maybe we can pick at random or pick a number, but we'll get to that river. Bridge? River. We'll get to that river.

We'll cross that river when we come to the bridge. So we're going to get to a river. Hopefully there's ridge there if there's not there's a ridge we'll cross that bridge when we get to the river the ridge is just the sort of the edge along the river and you want to cross the ridge i want to cross the ridge down to the river and then once we get to the river afford it what if i can't afford a ford like maybe we can go to a fjord instead all right so do you have a name orO-U-S. Treacherous. Ooh. Pretty good. There's 12 emails.

But it's not that good. It's pretty good because a lot of them are... The Game Boy has lost. I'm just giving you the benefit of the doubt because some of them is like an ad for Miami.com. I don't know what that is. A Google Plus invitation. How many questions? I would say one, two, three, four.

One that we answered. So five total. One that we answered. That's pretty good. Yeah. I would say it's not a win, but maybe you got in second place. There's two unopened emails with the word treacherous. What are the subjects?

Perhaps the most dire situation ever. It's going to be hard not to choose that one. Okay. And then the subjects? Perhaps the most dire situation ever. It's going to be hard not to choose that one. Okay. And then the second one is the most dire situation ever for sure. No way. Oh, sorry. The second one is

my mom is ruining my morning walk. I choose that one. Absolutely I choose my mom is ruining my morning walk. Which sounds like the most treacherous situation ever. All right. Let's call this guy, I'll name him Alan D. Viniacorch.

Alan D. Viniacorch. So you said the whole last name is three different words, but it is D. Viniacorch? No, Alan, and then his middle name is Dale. So we call him Alan D. Dale. Yeah. Dale. Nice.

And then his last name is. Me said, me said, me said Dale. Nice. And then his last name is. Me said, me said, me said, Dale. Dale coming and Dale wants to go home. So we're almost out of time. Dale. Me said, me said. How do you do that middle part? You said, Dale.

You said, Dale. You said, Dale. All right. That's it. All right. Alan D. Videocorch writes, Recently, I've come to the conclusion that I'm unhealthy, and I've started walking five miles every morning.

It's been great so far. I've lost some weight, and I have more energy these days. This is where my silver lining spouts an ugly, treacherous cloud of relatively minor annoyance. My mom wants to come with me every single time I go. Why can't English people get it right? It's mom. Mom.

Yeah. M-O-M. M-U-M is the reason we won the war. Get with the goddamn program. Jesus. All right. I understand that this doesn't sound like a big deal, but she walks way too quickly.

We can't walk as far since her hip starts hurting. Or whatever. And since she's there, I can't listen to music or your podcast. If I ask her not to come, I think she'll be crushed. Not only is she spending more time with me, she's losing weight as well. What should I do?

I encourage you to think outside the bun as well as inside. As well as inside the bun? All right. TLDNR, how do I ditch this stinky witch to improve my walking sitch? Yours truly, Alan D. Wow, that's a good email that we wouldn't have read otherwise. Yes, well.

My mom is ruining it. It's funny because in the email it says my mom, but in the subject it says my mom. They knew I wasn't going to answer that mom in the email shit on the subject shit. Why is that? I'm small minded. I'm racist against British people. I'm culturally insensitive.

I did. I was on the side of the mom until I found out that it was fucking with our money, our cash. He's not listening to as much of our

show as he should be. So now I'm going to say, next time you're on the walk with the bitch... This is really cool. Keep rolling. Stick out your foot. Oh my god. Tripper, smartass. I love this. She's already got a bad hip. Watch her hit the pavement

hard. Watch that hip shatter. And then you are madder at her. Like the Mad Hatter. Call 911. That's thinking outside the bun. There's been a mistake. I have to listen to more podcast ads.

What happened? A bottle fell. I took this over. I apologize. It's fine. It's live TV. That's going to happen. You remember the Oscars, the whole Moonlight shit, how they fucking won. Who ended up winning? It ended up being the, what's the most obscure one? The River Hatch. Oh, Hacksaw Ridge.

Hacksaw Ridge. That's right. Gibson walked away with it. Insane. Yeah, you feel bad to tell your mom that she can't walk with you. But at the same time, it's your special moment of the day. But at the same time, she carried you inside

her for nine months. And you're the reason. You have to love your mom as much as you love yourself. I say more. You know? So, if it was, if I were in your position, I'd walk with, I'd walk to the end of the earth with my mother, if I'm being totally honest. I would walk through the doors of hell, and I'd say, Satan, you take me before you lay a finger on this woman.

She's an angel, and she belongs in heaven. What the heck am I doing here, devil? We went on a walk. All of a sudden, I'm at the gates of hell. You're telling me come in. You're here because you told somebody else to trip their mother. Okay, well, why is she here, Satan?

She walked you here for no apparent reason. God, she's amazing. Thank you, mother. And you burned her. Not cool, devil. Lucifer, you ass. No wonder you get a bad rap. You're a real meanie.

You're worse than anyone. You're a douchebag, Satan. You've been a dickling since I got here. Yeah. Who's to say what you've done to bedevil people in the past? The temperature here is way less than comfortable. It's warm. What is it, 88?

But humid. Yeah. Indoors. You horn is it, 88? But humid. Yeah. Indoors. You horned-tailed demon. Man. You're a demon man, man. So, what would you do? I think you'd go on a short, quick walk with Ma

until the old hip starts to hurt. You drop her off at home, and then you continue on the walk. You take two walks. You're losing more weight and your mom's losing weight. You can look at the second walk as your time to catch up on the podcast. First walk as a time to get to know your mother. Two walks, two loops,

one mega exercise. One short one, one second, medium-sized one. Easy peasy. Lemon squeezy. Ain't nothing wrong with that. That seems like the best of both worlds. You get to walk with mommy. You get to walk with yourself.

And then maybe she'll pick up the hint and be like, oh, you don't want to walk with me at all. And be like, no, it's not about that. I just want to listen to a podcast. And I'd hate to ignore you, mommy. I want to learn everything about you, mother. In fact, why don't we split this earbud, mother? You in one and I in the

other, mother. Actually, my hip's pretty sore. I'm going to go lie down. One second, mother. Get away from me. Oh, mother. She had a knife the whole time. Let me search a word. Seatbelt?

Is that one word? Let's do it as one word. Because I think it is. No. Nothing. No one's ever said seatbelt? Yes. There is one.

You've won the game. Blumenfeld. Oh, I didn't know you had it in you. Wow. It starts with a typo So thank god He spelled seatbelt correctly Hey guys Call me Antoine

Antoine Faster your seatbelts Alright And prepare your anuses Cause this is gonna be a long one Hold on I haven't prepared my anus yet Is your anus prepared?

I need another minute. All right. Now I'm good. So here's la problema. In high school, I'm in high school, and I just got out for summer break about a week ago. During finals, I was at a study hall when I noticed someone left their notebook in the library. I figured I can guess whose notebook it is if I looked at the first couple pages for a name. Eventually, I figured out who the notebook was. She was a girl I had a few classes with who,

to be honest, seemed pretty chill. But for the first couple of pages, she became almost half, sorry, but for the first couple, but for the first couple pages became almost half the notebook when I started reading what seemed to be a girl writing some sort of extremely detailed sexual fantasy about a few guys I knew as well as me. Extremely disturbed, I decided to give the notebook to one of her friends to pass on to her because I couldn't bear to face her after that. Summer break started, and it seemed like all the days were filled with, sorry, all my days were filled with was her Facebook messaging me to hang out. She seemed like a perfectly normal girl up until this discovery, and I don't want to tip it off that I know about the literatica, but I also don't want to hang out because I'm pretty creeped out by this, to say the least.

So what would you do? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Interesting conundrum. P.S. Obviously it was a girl. Sorry, I do my best proofreading after I hit send. And that's, wow, yeah. No. He still even then didn't do a lot of proof.

Didn't he say girl? Yeah, he did say girl. And some other sentences weren't great, but I think we got the gist, which is basically somebody found a secret porn diary and now he feels weird facing this lady in public or private. She wants to hang out with him and he doesn't want to do it. Yeah.

I'm surprised. I'm taking it back. Because you thought he'd be turned on by the literatica? Yeah. And want to hang out with him and he doesn't want to do it. I'm surprised. I'm taken aback. Because you thought he'd be turned on by the literatica? Yeah. And want to hang out? Yeah. Have you ever read something you weren't supposed to? And it changed you? It's been a long time, but yes. It's hard to

unread. Yeah. You snoop, you find something out, you want to pretend like it didn't affect you, but it does and now you don't know what to say. I really don't't want to do that because you found it in a way that's not good so you can't implicate yourself right so i would think the easy way to do it is to just not tell her definitely don't tell her that you read the journal that's horrifying you don't have to hang out with her yeah you don't have to tell her i don't want to hang out with you because i read the journal there's a billion reasons that you can say i don't want to hang out with you because I read the journal. There's a billion reasons that you can say I don't want to hang out with somebody.

Yeah. And don't publish the journal. Well, that would be rude. That's not even on the table. I'm saying, like, to do it as a blog, revealing one chapter at a time. Yeah. I mean, wouldn't... Slowly releasing it, and then...

It sounds like you're secretly on the sly giving him... I would never. ...some sort of evil advice. If she ever found out that it was being leaked, slowly but surely she would pay top dollar, and I would hate for her to be in a situation where she's being blackmailed. I'm saying I wouldn't want to blackmail her. He doesn't even have the journal.

Imagine the world, how mortified she would be if he stole the journal, published it, and had her pay him to stop. You're an impish child for this. I was saying never do that. You have a job. You can make money. You don't need to blackmail people. Yeah, and that's why I don't think he should blackmail people either.

He's in high school, which is disgusting. Don't set him off on this path of treachery, for lack of a better word. What's the most illegal thing you did in high school? I sold large amounts of marijuana. Next question. Can I get a pound or a kilo of that sticky green?

I think I still have my Kinect. Oh, my God. Yeah, you're calling me FBI. Swordfish. Was that his name? Yeah, you're calling the FBI. Swordfish. Was that his name? No. That's the code word. You just get swordfish delivered?

His name is Monkfish. Oh, that's great. Now he's just delivering seafood to people, which is fine. We used to have the codes, like, I would call. Yeah, I had a beeper. Cool. Oh, yeah, I had a beeper, dude. I also had a burner cell phone, but back then they were all burners,

so I had a really cheap cell phone. When you're that rich, they're all burners. The code was you'd call and say, like, can you burn me a CD? And then I would make a CD and bring it to one of my friends. Oh, that's good. And would you put the marijuana inside the CD? No, it would just be in a bag. That's cool.

And then what if you actually wanted someone to burn a CD? Would you be like, hey, can I get like an eighth of weed? Yeah. Oh, no. I really, I genuinely want the CD. I need Third Eye Blind. I know it's a code, but in addition to that. Santeria by Sublime.

This is the track list or you want this? Those are different strains of pot, dude. You've got to get with it. I'm sorry. Now I'm really confused. The status was that I used to go, I used to, on these deliveries when I'd bring my friends weed,

I would tell my mom that I was going to the gym. So I spent months going to the gym a couple times a week, and I never ever went to the gym once. In high school? Yeah. Did you sign up for a gym? We were members of a country club gym

that I was allowed to go to. That's really nice. Yeah. It was a good gym. I go there that I was allowed to go to. That's really nice. Yeah. It was a good gym. I go there now with my brother sometimes. Oh, that's really nice. And then sometimes we're in New Haven hawking meat. Selling meat. Yeah. What's the most illegal thing you did in high school? I think I beat up a crippled teenager.

So it was a 12-year-old lady. That was when, yeah. She was in high school and you were, that was like two weeks ago. So what did you, not the most illegal thing you've ever done to a high schooler. Oh. I said, yeah, the most illegal thing. That I did in high school. In high school, yeah.

And not in a high school because I know you often go to high schools and do a lot of fun shit. Now, yeah. So yeah, all that now. But I mean, when you were a freshman to senior. Yeah. What's the most illegal thing that you did? I set off, oh, but this is again last week.

I was going to say I set off a lot of fire alarms in my old high school. Yeah. But again, that's when I was a 34 year old. When I was 18, I was wondering if I did anything. I did some pretty fucked up shit last week, but that's all you mean like when I was in the high, not when I was at a high school cause I spent a lot of time. I feel like. I feel like, yeah, we have to. This has to be clear by this point. You're saying between the years of 97 and 2001, when I was like 14 to 18. Yeah, what were the illegal things you did? Yeah, because I set off a fire.

But again, this was days ago. I know. But I did it in a high school. Yeah, you're on the lam right now, right? I saw a wanted poster of you by the 365 in Silver Lake. Yeah. It's crazy. It was a raccoon with sunglasses on.

Yeah, but I saw it right through the police. What did I do? I once... Did I tell the story on the podcast once where we were chasing a group of girls with a video camera? Oh, God. That sounds very fucked up. So we were making jackass-style videos,

like fake pranks where I would be the host and my friend would be a contestant against a stranger contestant. And then I'd be like, all right, who wins $20? And then I'd give the $20 to my friend and then another friend would come run and steal the money out of my friend's hand. Be like, oh, that robber stole the money and let's see how the stranger reacts stuff like that very avant-garde

very it was mostly uh visual art uh and then like there was gotcha journalism a lot of gotcha journalism and then there was at one point we're in high school and like videotaping like people driving and so we were in a car and i forget like we were trying to get people to say things or do something but like we're to them we were just like you know chasing after them with a video camera illegal uh they go to a house they didn't even know yeah i did not know them strangers they go to a house like oh that was a silly old weird time uh then somebody came out of the house with a gun and i was like hey were you chasing those girls? And we're like, ah! And then my friend pedaled to the metal, skid away,

and we're like, holy shit, we were so scared that we all slept in my friend's one room because we were afraid to leave his house for 18 straight hours because we were afraid somebody had a gun. Jesus Christ. Yeah. If you're listening out there, ladies,

we didn't want to do anything bad and we're sorry that it was actually pretty dangerous and kind of messed up for a group of teenage boys to be chasing people

with a video camera especially when their parents and guardians have guns yeah or at the very least boyfriends or something wow

if you're listening and you happen to be in that story on the other side I'd love to hear what it sounded like from your your angle.

These greasy, acne-ridden Jew boys came into my house. We knew it was a joke. My boyfriend just wanted to put them out of his goddamn misery. Oh, sorry. He ended up shooting three of my four friends. I was the lone survivor. All right, let's take a break to thank Article again for not only bringing us here,

but for supplying us with some awesome furniture. Yeah. What can we say about Article that we haven't already? You know what I wanted to bring up? The fact that when we moved to L.A., we Airbnb'd for nine months, 12 months? Two years, I think. Right. Yeah, there was an Airbnb.

Then we moved into a more permanent holiday rental. Yeah. And then we moved to another Airbnb, another Airbnb. Finally landing at a partially furnished place that we leased for a bit. Sure. Basically, we never, ever had to make an adult decision. We never bought a single piece of furniture. We went from crummy apartments in New York to Airbnb, and now is the first time that we have houses.

And this is the first time we've ever started actually buying real furniture. Yeah, and the problem with buying real furniture, especially online, is that you don't really know the quality because you can't see and feel the quality. Yeah, you're like, I want to go to a showroom. Then you go to a showroom, and it's $2,500, and you're like, I don't want to be here. I'm just going to order everything at Overstock and say, fuck it. If my house burns down, that's fine. Yeah, who gives a crap?

Fortunately, with Article, it's high-quality stuff. And you can believe us because we're actually sitting. We're actually feeling the furniture. This is the table that I wanted for my house. You can see how stylish it is if you go to article.com. You can see the chairs that they have. They look great. And we're here to tell you that they actually are well-made.

Yes. And the way they save money and pass along savings to you is that they don't have showrooms. They don't have stores. They don't have employees that are there to sell you the stuff. Correct. And you don't have to mark it up. $49 flat rate shipping. So you don't have to worry about paying an arm and a leg for that.

And the delivery people assemble the furniture in your home. Yeah. So they bring it to you, assemble it, and leave. The ideal delivery man. Usually they come here, kick a box around, and then stay for a couple hours, weeks even. Yeah. So if you're in the need for something for your bedroom or something for your dining room, like the table, something for your living room, like the sofas that I have.

They even have outdoor furniture now, storage furniture, decor, something as simple as baskets, vases, pillows, poofs, rugs, lighting, anything. You better believe I bought a poof. It's up in the loft, brother. That's a good poof. That's a nice poof. That's a solid poof. Yeah, it's a good poof.

So go to article.com slash ifireyou. That will give you an additional $50 off your order if your order is more than $100. Hell, yeah. So you get $50 off. They're your order is more than a hundred bucks. Hell yeah. So you get 50 bucks off. They're already low prices, high quality stuff. You don't have to break the bank. You're not spending five grand for a sofa. Some of these sofas are less than a thousand dollars.

Yeah, dude. Inexpensive. No more going to like the Goodwill and Salvation Army for couches. I did that for a very long time. Hoping to gosh, they don't have some sort of skin disease on them. And they all did. They all do. They even have some mod velvet stuff.

They got a velvet pink sofa and a velvet blue sofa. I was going to get one for my bedroom instead of a bed. That's actually pretty dope. Yeah? I thought you were going to say that's actually pretty dumb. That's actually not good. Everything on the website. This is a giant blue leather section.

They have something for everything. So go to article.com slash if I were you. Check them out. Support the program. They brought us here on a Thursday. On a Thursday. They allowed us to make this video podcast, which is pretty fun. So we wanted to say thank you to Article.

And thank you to you guys for checking out Article. I think the coupon code will expire in a month. So you want to make sure that you get something soon enough. Do it ASAP Fergie. Very good. That's nice. Really? Congrats, man. ASAP Fergie.

That was good to say. And Hurwitz gets the joke of the fucking podcast. Come on, it's not like that. It honestly wasn't. It's exactly like that. Truly, it's ASAP Ferg. I missaid it. I don't know. How long did it take you to come up with that?

It was... You were late to here today. Were you coming up with a fucking golden joke? I wish I could take it back. I hate the joke. It'll actually be delivered ASAP Ferg. And that's the Louisville gift. It was fucking good when you said it.

It's the delivery. And much like these delivery men, I do assemble. Get out of my house. What? Absolutely out of my house. One last time, article.com slash ifireyou. Thanks, article. Should we answer some more questions?

Yes, please. I mean, we're already here. We got the mics. We got the cameras. It's only fair. And if the Game Boy is still here... Oh! He's here! Oh!

Do you have a word to search? Beehive! Huh? So fast. Beehive. Let's see. Beehive. Another compound noun.

Uh... Another compound noun. No, only fake ones where people include a lot of words at the end. Fuck. Another word? Please? I got a good one, actually, if you want to pass. I did, but go ahead. Guarantee.

That's not bad. Ooh, a lot of them. Too many. I'll go unread guarantee, because a lot of them are spam. I see. Do you have another word while I search for this? You broke my train of thought.

Oh, that's pretty good. Train of thought? No. Oh. Just locomotive. Just Facebook. Locomotive? Yeah.

No. Zero. Are you okay? Succumb. Ooh. Only 16. It's not great. It's not bad.

Three in a row. Let me get... Or actually, these two. Oh. All right. I'll give you two options. Okay. Poop squat tattoo

or will two beautiful bastards help a boy in need? Poop squat tattoo. Perfect. Oh, wow. This says attachments of photos. This is perfect.

It's a visual question for a visual medium. I need friendship advice. I have a birthmark on my back. It's the brown kind, kind of like a freckle. I've always had it, and now I think I want to customize it I had this idea

to get a tattoo of a man I'm gonna get it rims and a fucking spoiler spinners I think I had

sorry I had this idea dice in the mirror if anything I thought alright you want to customize this freckle I had this idea

to get a tattoo of a man squatting and pooping just over the mark. That way it looks like the man had just pooped it out. I think this is a hilarious novelty tattoo. I think it's subtle. I think it's tasteful. I doubt I'd regret it.

But when I presented the idea to my friends, they recoiled in disgust. Even just mentioning the idea changed their opinion of me. However, my cousin said it would be funny. And my uncle volunteered to do it. So my question is, should I follow my dream or succumb to peer pressure? P.S. I've attached some pictures I found on the internet so you can get some idea about what I want. All right.

We've got to open these for sure. How big is this tattoo? Like a mole the size of a tattooed duty? Well. All right, here's what we got. Ready? The first one is nonsense. Is that just the color of the mole?

All right, this is the first. This one makes sense. This is clip art. It still says stock photo of it. Of a man sad on a toilet. It's funny that that stock photo says can stock. It's a pun. All right.

So the poop, I think, would be right here or something. Sure. Right under the butt. As if the toilet was clear. Gotcha. The second photo kind of makes no sense whatsoever. I mean, how is this... Where would the poop be?

I guess it's an old man with a walking stick holding the smell of your back. Imagine that there's no cane, that the pants are down, and he's sort of like squeezing. That's like the face that he wants. Yeah.

I cannot believe how much effort he's put into finding samples. I can't believe how little effort he did. into finding samples of this. I can't believe how little effort he did. I mean, this is just an old man walking. I mean,

he found, this is pretty, it's pretty effortful for an awful idea. I don't hate it. Jesus. I think it's unique. It's,

I mean, there's a good chance that you have to get the mole tattoo removed, or like the mole itself removed. And then you just tattoo the doody. Of course you tattoo the doody.

No. A tattoo-dy. No way. A tattoo-dy doody. Brother, this is a really dumb idea, man. I'm with cousin, which is why I have that shirt that says I'm with cousin. I think peer pressure is sometimes a good thing. Yeah, like if everyone is right and you're wrong.

Yeah. There's like some peer pressure around like, oh,. Yeah, like if everyone is right and you're wrong. Yeah, there's like some peer pressure around like, oh, you know, don't... Recycle. Huh? Like how you should recycle. Oh, yeah. Okay, good, of course. Or to vote.

Yes. Like, I don't know if I would vote today if I didn't see everyone else voting. Yeah, that's true. That's good peer pressure. Mm-hmm. And then the peer pressure, yeah, so similarly, when you're going to get a really dumb tattoo

and all your friends say it's bad, I think it's smart to listen to them. Sure. However, have you ever seen a body, for lack of a better word, deformity, worked into a tattoo? Yeah, I think there are some tattoos that are like, you know, people who like lost limbs or something,

like do something cool on the nub or the stub. Right. That's neat. That's pretty, yeah. But I mean like moles and birthmarks often are cancerous and need to be removed. So I think the point remains like there might not be a little natural duty. But why not turn that cancer into an answer?

And the question is, how do you like your duty? It wouldn't be the question. Medium rare, with a slice of apple on the side. And that apple is American pie. Because this idea is as good as gold. Let me work back real quick. I want to try to work back through that. The slice of the apple on the side is American pie?

100%. So it's not an apple on the side. It's pie on the side that's apple pie. As American as. And because there's apple pie there, that's to show how the idea itself is gold i guess because apple pie and is that fully american fully approved certified beef so america you're adding stuff sorry so yeah you take away the beef because i don't i that i said at the end yeah just as a throwaway so this idea is gold gold you're this is all to say it's a good idea

turn can't yeah i started with turning cancer to the answer and also yeah but real quick because in the middle you said how do you like your duty yeah how do you like your because i don't know i think that's where i got the beef thing from because earlier i mentioned you like poop no medium rare i was just saying that does that imply that some people like it cooked further medium well or well done uh-huh and some people like it cooked further? Medium well or well done. Uh-huh. And some people like it raw. And I'm talking about a well done tattoo.

You're actually talking about a medium rare tattoo. It is rare. It is rare to have a tattoo that's unique. I think there's a lot of pictures of awful tattoos. I don't think you want to ever be up for consideration for one of those. I think it's one of a kind. I think it's unique. I think it's cool. I think it's turning something negative into something positive. I think when you show it to people, they'll at the very least say, oh, that's pretty silly and fun. He already told people about it and they recoiled. They recoiled at the idea and treat him differently as a guy.

And they think if he gets it, they'll be like, all right. That was a test, dude. Bravo. You failed. Remember the joke of if I took your wallet and threw it so far it hit the sun, you'd be kind of impressed? Yeah. So this is like that.

Like if I said, what if I took your wallet, threw it towards the sun, you'd be like, that's annoying. But what if I actually fucking did it? What if he actually got the tattoo? I think they'd be like, wow, now I've gone beyond mad, I'm now impressed. If you took my wallet and threw it into the sun, I would be annoyed for a second, but then I would be like, you're amazing, you're Superman.

I'm gonna like cancel my cards and get a new shit, but like that's crazy. Throw something else. But because that's a feat of superhuman strength that would blow me away. This isn't something I don't believe he'll do because it's so impossible. It's something he wouldn't do because it's so dumb. Do you get what I'm saying?

Yeah. I guess we can just agree to disagree. You like this tattoo. Not on me, but I would say if somebody showed it to me, I'd be like, oh, that's funny. Where's... You do the... The mole is on his... It's on his face.

Hmm? It's on his face. It's a McGill Gorbachev. The size of a diamond. It's on his back, right? Yeah, yeah. A guy taking a shit and then the shit is the mole? That's funny.

Like, I don't care who you are i think everyone finds that funny i don't find it i think everyone finds it hilarious i mean you know that they don't because his friends all you're cracking up at the thought and i am too a little bit you have this tattoo i have it of course mine is the other way around though it's the tattoo of a mole and then on top of it is a birthmark I have that's a photorealistic depiction of this man taking a shit. You guys, you are soulmates with this dude.

We are equal but opposite. All right, should we answer another question? Yeah. We got time for one more. All right. What do we got um corner corner that's such a common word all right there's a bunch a lot of them are a lot of them once again we should really just unsubscribe to shit we are just these are all touch of modern emails

yeah exactly everyone's on touch of modern alright Thanksgiving how do you feel about the big they got me it's spam fuck it I'm ordering a turkey this is insane I gotta follow through with it

again I can't freaking find oh here we go I need help uh we'll call this guy steven stanley stone stanger whoa those all start with s do they i guess i didn't even think about that and they even have a second letter in common actually let's call her nev campbell oh neat party of five i'm a rising high school senior, says Nev Campbell, who recently, about a month ago, came out of a two-and-a-half-year relationship

with my first-ever boyfriend. The breakup was a mutual decision between the both of us, so there are no hard feelings or any romantic feeling towards him anymore. As a result, I've recently noticed that my mind has been going a little boy crazy, and it's trying to figure out a way to put all these romantic feelings towards someone else. Now, don't get me wrong.

I'm not looking for any kind of committed relationship at the moment, especially with school and college applications around the corner. But I would love to find some nice, cool guys to have something casual with. The biggest problem is I'm stuck at the same high school with the same people since freshman year and I want to branch out a little and find guys

that I haven't known since I was 14. I've been thinking a lot about joining Tinder when I turn 18 in a few months. But would that be weird for me to join

while I'm still in high school? I would love to know if A, it's even worthwhile to join and B, how else I could find some new romantic interest. Thanks a lot for your help. Nev Campbell. What an honor. I mean, it's so cool that you wrote to us this is actually kind of

cool PS will you come to Atlanta so we can meet you we have a show in Atlanta very soon hell yeah May 1st we're in Atlanta that's right then Raleigh then DC then Philly then New York that's right May 1st through the 5th tickets may still may still be available. So snatch them now while you can, Nev, and anybody else that wants. That's on Star Wars Day. May the 1st be with you. May the 2nd be with you. Cool.

No, it's May the 3rd be with you. May the 1st. May the 5th be with you. Jeff is shaking his head at me like I'm fucking wrong. It's got to be June the 4th. Sorry, like, oh, June 4th? Because it's the 4th. So June the 4th be with you. Yeah.

Yeah. If only there was a holiday called May. Oh, that'd be good. Named after the month. It should be first. It's basically the same pun. May the first be with you? First and force and fourth and force. Oh, fourth is closer to force than first.

They're kind of equal. Maybe if, you would have a case if it was, if first didn't have a T at the end. May the first. First is as close

as fourth. May the first be with you. May the first. May the first. Yeah. May the fourth be with you. Yeah. I guess it's good

because it's sort of like a lisp. Yeah, fourth. May the fourth be with you. Anywho. How do you meet people outside of high school? I would say high school is too young for Tinder because then you're only meeting creepos in college

and you're still in high school. I don't know. I would be so... High school would be such a weird experience if I had Tinder. If you had a smartphone at all. Yeah, that's true. A lot of crazy shit that I wouldn't want to deal with. But here we are

in that world. Tinder too young? High school too young for Tinder? I don't know. Your radius is set to 18. That's a high schooler. Yeah, but my maximum is set to 19. That's true. That's a freshman. Yeah. But my

radius is set to 70 to 80 miles away. So there's a thin ring around where I live. I call it the ring of 18 to 19-year-olds. And it's an illegal ring. You are under arrest. Of course. Makes sense. You're done here.

Absolutely. You're absolutely done. No, I would say 18 is too young. Wait until you're at least in college to join these apps. That way, I don't seem like a creep anymore. But how do you meet people in high school? I think you, well, the way I did was, I didn't go to summer camp, but a lot of my friends did.

So it's a lot of friends of a friend. So you either have to do shit like youth groups, like camp, like whatever fucking Model UN, or be friends. You've got to do Model UN. There's a lot of fucking ass to be had in Model UN. Yeah, especially if you're a diplomat. I did mock trial,

and the entire thing was a goddamn orgy. It was a cock hile. I swear. It really was a cock hile. What's a cock hile? So like, you know when you hail things? Sure. So that's like hailing a cock.

So little antics. You could have said cockpile. Like a pile of cock. You shot me in the face! Ow, man! That's crazy! So I would say either do this stuff or have your best friend do it. Then she goes

to the events, she invites you. Yeah, that's a good idea. Two options. How did you meet people that weren't in your high school? Having, like, friends in other towns. It was helpful that I, like, moved around a little bit. Yeah. So, like, I moved to a new town when I was in high school. So, like, my friends still hung out with their friends from my old school.

And, like, I could meet girls through them. Connections and connections. Back in my high school in my town, I was a loser and nobody would talk to me. So I didn't introduce them to anybody. But that could have been the case if I was cool. So if you're cool, just meet other people from other schools. And if you're a loser,

then you have to have a friend in another town introduce you. There's always out-of-town kids that go to a party or go to some event, like a fair or a carnival. Oh, I want to go to a fair. That's so fair. There were a couple fairs in my town. I had a couple unfairs. Your parents had an affair.

Yeah, I had an affair, yeah. Your dad had a mistress and your mom had a mistress. Yeah, and my dad had a mistrial. And then I had a mattress. Actually, Yeah, and my dad had a mistrial. And then I had a mattress. Actually, that was at my mock trial. It was. Wasn't that a cockpile? He perjured himself on top of the pile.

On purpose. Yeah. Is that the answer to Ned's question? Do other shit or meet other people that do other shit? Yeah. I mean, it's hard. She's worried that she's two-boy crazy. That's fine.

You're a senior. Hook up with some underclassmen. See what's up. Oh, underclassmen. Yeah. There should be a Tinder for underage people. Oh, I'm getting arrested. I'm arresting myself.

Yeah. This makes sense, actually. This is Minority Report. You're committing a future crime as soon as you have that idea. I created a company that did illegal stuff. I created Silk Road for underage Tinder. Oh!

Slamming my own head. The Miranda rights. That's fair. That's good. We done did it. We done did it. Thank you again to Article for the furniture. Article.com slash ifireyou if you want to get your own stuff.

Shout out to Jeff and Marissa for helping out. Yes, thank you guys for video shooting it. Who knows the countless hours of post-production you're going to do. Yeah, because the first cut won't be okay. Oh, no. The second one will have many notes. Marissa, this won't do at all. Third one, we're off the grid.

Take a pass on your own time. Fourth one, let's scrap it. Let's see something from scratch. Fifth, we just upload the raw, uncut GoPro footage. We say, thanks for your time. Throw up subtitles. We'll ask you to do subtitles. Do you realize how time-consuming that would be?

And not just subtitles. We want to do a a graphic word video. Music video. With all the shit coming in. Different size. Yeah. Cock Heil with a little Hitler gift. Hitler with a penis for a mustache. That's a good one.

Somebody get that tattooed on there. What about a shirt that says Cock Heil and it's Hitler with a dick on it. They'd have to have been there for the mock trial joke. They'd have to have been there for the mock trial joke. They'd have to understand that it was a pun on something I said for anyone to really get it.

Don't you think? Troop. Fast troop. Don't act cool, man. Nah, you troop. I did make... I printed close to 1,200 shirts. And they won't make sense or read to any...

Nah. That sounds like a pretty big investment for you to make. Oh, yeah. No, it was like 20 grand. So you're like in the hole for that. You're not going to be able to hawk these shirts. Oh, no. No, that's a stunk cost.

Is that a problem for you? No, yeah, that's a big problem. All right. Well, you're acting really cool. I got no money. That's a problem, problem. I got no cash. That's a fucking problem.

I mean, this sounds really bad, right? Do you need to borrow money? I might need to borrow money, yes. All right. The opening theme song. money. I might need to borrow money, yes. The opening theme song. Nah, you're true. The opening theme song was written by Nolan.

That was the Meghan Trainor parody. Did we ever give him credit? Yes, he gave a shout out to his friends. Closing one is Tony Spaulding. It's a Vance. Tony Soprano? Tony Spaulding. It's a Vance Joy parody. Thanksrano? Tony Spalding. It's a Vance Joy parody. Thanks, Nolan. Thanks, Tony.

Thanks, article. Thanks to you guys. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening. Email address for all your questions is ifiryshow at gmail.com. Dot com. We got the dot com. Very good.

Nailed it. I'm going to press play now. It's going to play, and we're going to get the heck out of here. I thought you were gonna sleep over i was scared and i needed advice i was scared so i emailed if i were you show these two coy jews know where it's at. Sometimes they're joined by dupes or carrot slaps. If I were you, if I were you, show at gmail.com. I was in a sticky situation and I needed help so I emailed Jake and Amir.

These dudes helped me with my problem, made fun of my mom and then they put me on blast. I love you.