Segments - 269: Mom on Blast

Episode Date: April 10, 2017

In this Twitter lightning round episode we discuss pigs, jeans, candy, beards, Los Angeles, ice cream, bangs, the kiekel, and the worst kind of person! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. you can't find such good advice from just any podcast show you can try to help yourself out but the tension's gonna grow and you can try to rule her by yourself, but you're just no Romeo. Cause if I were you, I'd ask her out, and I'd say my goodbyes when it's time to move out. I would not take so low as to go with John Wolf Wig. Cause you can't stop the cast, ever since these two dudes began this little show.

Yeah, they could answer every question from cram. So they're gonna help me rid myself of all of my last dismay. You can't stop these dudes from being cool or using what to get back. You could always sit in Starbucks and just wait till you die. So please just try to seize the trees and we could all just agree to say that you can't stop the cast. Jazzy. Do you know what that's from?

Hairspray. Yeah. You can't stop the beat. Ask and you shall receive, says Nikita, who wrote that you can't stop the beat from Hairspray. Did we ask for Hairspray or we asked for more Broadway? Oh, you did specifically say Hairspray, right? Yeah, Hairspray did come up recently. So thanks, Nikita, for writing that.

I will say that I've been getting a little sloppy with the theme songs. And so I've said this before, and I'll say it again. If you sent a theme song, and you're like, this is pretty good, and I haven't used it, odds are I just forgot, or I haven't checked, or I missed it. Basically, let's start from scratch. I haven't used your theme songds are I just forgot or I haven't checked or I missed it. Basically, let's start from scratch. I haven't

used your theme song and it was pretty good. Send it again. Send it in. And use the word theme song, right? That's how you find it. Yeah, I search song or attachment. But I started searching more and more and then I forget which ones I listened to and it's all messed up. But I'll be good from now on.

Really? Yeah, I'll be good. You're gonna be good from now on good i'm gonna be a good boy from now on all right i mean i want to be a good boy i feel like yeah you're just setting yourself up for i won't fail okay ever again all right starting now you know you should be easier on yourself uh i will say that some of them are approaching three minutes in length we don't necessarily need a song that long yeah that we appreciate i mean two minutes and 30 seconds is don't necessarily need a song that long that we appreciate. I mean, two minutes and 30 seconds is perfect. No, I would say, no, that's, again, I would say 30 seconds is perfect.

Yeah, but I mean, if you have a gem and you need to go three, four, Stairway to Heaven was seven minutes and 42 seconds. Okay, so your advice is in direct confliction with mine. I'm saying don't go very long. It might be a good song, like Stairway to Heaven, but even if Stairway to Heaven was written for our podcast, I would say it's too long.

Really? Yeah. All right. Well, I mean, it's easier because you look at the theme songs, so it's easier for you to be like, it's just easy for me to say that they should be long. We don't need to play five minutes worth of songs in our podcast. Yeah.

Yeah. But I mean, I don't mind. I think of a TV theme song, a jingle. Those are usually short. All my favorite jingles are usually nine to 12 minute long. Like for example, what? The Party of Five jingle. No, okay.

Not a jingle. Theme song. And it's not nine minutes long. Yeah. Or the Cheers one. Yeah. You know the cheers one you're recalling everybody knows your name yeah that's like 40 seconds max there's like a long

instrumental no there's not all right no there's not all right there's not an instrumental all right and it's definitely not seven minutes say it to each her own what are you talking about i let me look it up you You do not have to do that. Look at that. Here's a 22-minute Cheers theme song. Jesus Christ, man. What are you saying? That's the episode, Lang. No, it's not the episode.

Come on, Don! So thanks to Nikita for writing. And if you've written a theme song, send it back in. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by me. I'm Amir. I'm Josh. We've done a lot of episodes recently. We've had some bonus Thursday episodes the last two weeks brought to you by article. And then we even have videos for those episodes. We have clips of those episodes. So if you're still listening and still caught up, wow, we applaud you. If not, welcome, welcome, welcome to episode, I think this is going to be 269.

Really cool. Fun fact, guys, Stairway to Heaven is seven minutes and 55 seconds. That is really cool. That's cool that you said that. So if you tweeted at me that I was wrong, go back and delete your tweet, little fuck. I already know. You think someone, didn't you say it was seven minutes long? I said it was seven minutes and 42 seconds.

It was still pretty close. It was pretty close. Yeah. I just don't want some little fuck out there. You're getting mad at someone. No one's said anything to you yet. I'm going to refresh this podcast first thing on Monday and see if anybody fucking tweeted at me. I doubt it.

I so doubt they did. But we've had some great guests on recently. We've done some video versions of the show. We haven't done, in a bit, a new format that we're testing out, the lightning round Twitter edition of the show. That's when, instead of reading your emails, we answer some quick hits over Twitter. So I tweeted earlier today, hit us with your questions.

That would fit in a tweet, and we'll try to answer as many as possible on Monday's episode. That's what's up, baby. Got some good feedback for the first time. Let's see if we can fuck that up. Let's see if we can ruin it. Let's see if we can take the ill will and cash it in for some nasty tweets. Some

poor feedback. And I don't even want constructive criticism. I want some nasty feedback. Yeah. That shit that's like not helpful. That's that shit I don't even want constructive criticism. I want some nasty feedback. That shit that's not helpful. That's that shit I don't like. Do you have any good ones right off the bat, now that you're scrolling through Twitter? I had one that I liked, actually, yeah.

This guy said... That's that shit you do like. This is that shit that I do like. Father of Dragons, Bassman5000 wrote, when are you going to shave your beard, Amir, and when are you going to grow yours back, Jake Hurwitz? And I feel like mine is grown back. Yeah, you're growing back.

Mine is maybe longer than yours now. Yeah, I trimmed mine. I had it actually professionally trimmed, which I've never done before. I paid somebody $10 in Australia to trim my beard because I think it had gotten too long. I wasn't enjoying it anymore. It was getting stuck in my beard.

I just felt gross. I felt ugly. You did not like it. I felt, yeah. Well, I guess that's what happens at the end of every beards run. It's like, this is too much. The headache is not worth the pain.

I'm thinking about cutting it constantly. Yeah, that's most of the time while I have a beard, I'm thinking about cutting it constantly. I would look better with a mustache. I couldn't even eat food at a certain point. It was like getting stuck in my hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get crumbs all over your face. You were happy with the trim then? Yeah, trim, I went still a little longer than I've had before, but it felt more manageable. Right now your beard is still longer than you've ever had. Yeah. And I am due for another trim. So you want to basically go back to what you had before, but it felt more manageable. Right now, your beard is still longer than you've ever had. Yeah. And I am due for another trim. Do you want, so you want to basically

go back to what you had before. I want short beard rather than stubble. And short beard is what you always had, would you say? No, I've had stubble before. Like you can see my face

underneath the beard. That's what I think the difference is between stubble and beard. Beard is you can't see the skin underneath. Stubble is easier. So you want to keep the beard.

I wasn't even close to being done, you little shit. Jesus. Yeah, that's all I have to say about that. You said you weren't close to being done. I'm saying, let me wrap it up. You're not saying let me wrap it up. You said I wasn't close to being done.

By the way, I was agreeing with you. I was just trying to... To reiterate, a beard is when you can't see the skin underneath. That's it. That is when I started talking. No, I'm saying, but I said to reiterate. And then you yelled, oh, I'm not even close to being done. You little shit.

Yeah, you're in a sour mood. I did get cross. You're being quite cross. That thing's funnier than the way people talked in the 40s. All right, next question. When is Amir's family ever going to be on the pod? Ooh. We've had all the members of your family on the podcast,

but never any of mine. Not all, though, right? My mother, of course, my dear mother. Your dad's never been on the show. My dad never. My brother has been on sort of. Liza was on. Yeah. Yeah. There's some more Hurwitz's, but zero Blumenfeld's have been on. Yeah. Four Hurwitz's and just one Blumenfeld to me. Yeah. Who of my family would make the best guest? I mean, probably your dad, Jerome. Yeah, that's what I was thinking too. Plus he's a professional doctor, so maybe we can find some OBGYN questions. Oh, definitely.

I can answer them scientifically. That'd be really fun. All right, you got another question? Yeah, I do. One second. Okay, so you don't. Yeah, no, I didn't. How much is an acceptable amount of money to pay for a pair of jeans? Oh, that's a really interesting question. Yeah. So I think there's a timeline of one's life and that number changes. Do you remember what money was like to you in high school? I can't quite remember.

Like I remember having money, but I don't know how I got it and how I i valued things well like there was definitely when i was little i wanted toys and i remember something being like the earliest concept i have of money aside from like my dad not wanting to take me out to the ball game something mcdonald's is cheap yeah and i think that was more less about like spending money and more about a health reason yeah. But there was a stuffed pig that I really wanted when we were on vacation, and it was $19. And to me, that was like... That's early. Yeah. But I mean, I was not three.

I was like eight or something. Yeah, so again, I think that's just your dad saying that you're too old for stuffed animals. Well, it was kind of a cool toy. You don't get like it was wearing a leather jacket. That is pretty cool. Yeah, it was actually a pretty cool pig, man. I'm sorry for saying that not being stuffed in it. I had the pig for a long time. You didn't end up buying it. Yeah. Well, so my mom bought it for me, but I remember $19 was like, this is a bridge too far for my dad. Yeah. Like, I asked him every day on vacation for him to buy this pig for me.

Yeah. Not happening. Not gonna happen. Last day, I let the waterworks fly, dude. I played the game and I won. I wanted the toy and I got it. My cup runneth over with tears. And with pigs.

I ended up getting ten pigs. And pigs do fly. Mommy felt quite bad for her little angel. My father had to buy an extra seat on the plane back for all of the pigs. I was bequeathed. It felt good that day. Mommy treated her little prince quite nicely. I am mommy's little piglet. O treated her little prince quite nicely.

I am mommy's little piglet. Oink, oink, mother. Your little bacon boy requested a treat, mother. And who are you to deny it, father? My pig pen is now a playpen. More pigs, father. Never enough. I want my entire room to be filled to the brim like a pen. So, I guess that was like the earliest concept of money, like $19 being a lot. And then I also remember in high school, my friend Steve

being like I like to have $10 like that's enough to buy a sandwich or something that's good and I was like yeah $10 is the perfect

amount of money to have I can't imagine eating more yeah and then jeans yeah like I remember like

first having a job and like $100 seemed like way too expensive for jeans. Oh, yeah. And now if I saw a pair of jeans as a 34-year-old professional, young professional, I'd be like, $100, that's not that bad at all. Right. Because I think we've been exposed to the $200 jeans. Yeah. It's all relative.

It's like, what's the most expensive jeans that you want, and then divide it by two. But I think it's sort of a parabola. Because when I was in my 20s, I was like, 220 bucks, that's the price of jeans, baby. And these look good. And now I'm coming back around and being like, $220 is fucking insane. You don't need to pay that. I could buy a goddamn ottoman for that. I could buy, what, 10, 11 pigs for that much cash. So I think $80 to maybe $120 max. Yeah. That's the price for jeans. I would say, here's the thing. You spend like $50 to $100 on shirts that you wear once every week or two. Jeans you wear every day.

You don't have a lot of jeans in the rotation. So I think of clothing as the more often you wear it, the more money you can spend. I spend several hundred dollars on my glasses because I wear them every day. My jeans I wear two, three times a week. Sometimes I go full weeks wearing them. I can spend $150 on jeans. Shirts I wear like once every week or two.

I probably don't want to spend that much money on them. Right. $150 on a shirt's crazy. Yeah. But on jeans, I don't think that's that bad. Is this question how much you should pay on jeans or how much we do? I think how much is a good price to pay for jeans. I think if it's good jeans, $100 is a good price. Yeah. Is the long, the short answer.

You could get like Levi's at Urban Outfitters for like 60 bucks, right? Yeah. But you can do better than that. You really should be wearing cage, rag and bone. If it's not diesel, it's not diesel. Was that your question or mine? That was mine. Let's see Traveling to LA this summer

What's the best place to meet new people? Says Robin Anderson Best place to meet new people In Los Angeles Yeah I have a unique answer Oh go ahead Tinder

That's not how you make friends Yeah that's how you meet. Best place to meet new people is online. You can meet a lot of people online. Oh, I see. It's not a location, but rather an app. Yeah, you can meet friends on Tinder.

Groups of friends. They have the social thing. You meet people there. Oh, yeah, that's true. I feel like it's a good or at least a decent pickup line to say that you're only in town and you're looking for wrecks, not like somebody to... Not looking for sex. Yeah, but where should I go? Which beach should I go to? I need advice from a local.

And then maybe if you're lucky, they'll say, and I'll show you around. And then you have a little town girlfriend or boyfriend for a couple days. And that town is Los Angeles, and there's many places you can go. This place is actually Holly weird. It really is. It's Holly wild to a certain extent. Got a question? Yeah, this one's actually kind of nice.

This girl says, do my homework, please. And then she screenshotted a worksheet. Oh, all right. I mean, I guess, should we just go one by one? What's the subject? Well, the questions are, it looks like World War II. Okay, this one's going to be tough, but I can try. The picture is not ideal.

What country was invaded by Hitler on September 1st, 1939? And what was the British and French response? Poland? Yes. Is that the answer? That's the answer. And the French response was to fucking lay down and take it. Because they didn't do shit for anyone in WW2.

All right, here's one that I don't know the answer to. Who did Hitler attack in April 1940? What was the importance of this? Oh, he killed himself. So he attacked his own brain. And the importance of it... That was 1945. I see.

Okay. So it wasn't a trick question. Very good. Very, very good. Here's one. Favorite animal. Oh, this one's cute. That was on our homework too.

So it's sort of World War II slash a personality test. Here's a question from Luca Tonar. What's the funniest thing you've ever witnessed? Funniest thing you've ever witnessed? Yeah, that's tough. Man. Do you remember the last time you cracked up? I mean.

Maybe earlier today when you said that you were your mom's little piglet that was funny i was laughing pretty hard then i remember cracking up so hard watching the south park movie when i was 13 in theaters like i'm like i have to like leave i can't breathe i'm like crying this is too much i really can't i wish i that sounds nice i wish i remember the last time i i'm sure i did there was parts of the road trip that we'd taken with John and Giancarlo where we were so tired we were laughing a lot. Like, when you get really tired, anything is funny. Delirious laughter. Yeah, that's the best kind.

When your eyes are burning. Man, that was, God, that was really, yeah, that was really fun. But I don't even know what it was. Playing the fried chicken song? You got one? Another question? Yeah. I'm trying to think

of the last time I laughed really, really hard. Well, actually, there's one question from somebody else. Meme Daddy says, what was the last thing

that made you super happy? Super happy? Yeah. I feel depressed now that I can't think I'm happy all the time. What made you fry your fists? now that I can't think I'm happy all the time. What made you cry?

Fists. I did. I pumped my fists with exuberance recently, but I can't remember what. Maybe one of our live shows, like coming off the stage at one of our live shows or getting. Yeah, doing my shooey in Melbourne felt really, really, or Sydney, sorry, Melbourne.

That was a pretty solid moment. Doing my shooie in Melbourne felt really, really... Or Sydney, sorry, Melbourne. That was a pretty solid moment. Doing my shooie. That made us super happy. Drinking whiskey out of my shoe made me thrilled. That hot tub in New Zealand that we sort of spent time in with Streeter. Oh, yeah. That was a nice time. That was nice, sharing a hot tub with you.

Shooies and U-eats. I was pumping my fist for that. Yeah, you did get out and go, Yeah! You did the Dean scream. What do you see yourselves doing in five years? Oh, Jesus Christ, this thing again. What's something you lost but never found?

Oh, that's even better. Is there something that you lost that you still think about that you wish you could get back? Interesting. Something that I lost that you still think about that you wish you could get back? Interesting. Something that I lost that I never found. Huh. Huh. There's got to be something.

I've got two things, and they're both clothing. Clothing related. Oh, yeah, yeah. I lost some clothes. What's your favorite? I had that green jacket that somebody took from a bar. I put it in a corner corner and it wasn't there. You liked that jacket.

Yeah. It was a good jacket. It was a good jacket. I had a really, an incredible flannel and an amazing cardigan that I oft wore together. And the flannel was lost in a breakup. So you didn't really lose it. You know where it is. Yeah, but I asked,

I mean, she lost it. Yeah. I followed up. And then the cardigan? And the cardigan was, that was lost the night that we were, or that I was almost arrested

in Iceland. You just blacked out. Yeah. Well, yes, I left my cardigan at the bar, but they had sort of let me get away with murder. So I didn't want to go back the next day and say, do you have my cardigan?

They might have said, here it is, and also you owe us $500. You owe us 8 million Icelandic kroner instead. Ooh, what socks are you dudes wearing? What's your go-to stance nowadays? Yeah, I like stance, but I think right now the socks I'm wearing are from Richer Poorer. You know, my favorite pair of socks

are a pair of polka dot no-shows from Richer Poorer. That's a cool step in sock evolution is wearing designed no-shows. Yeah. It says like, yeah, there's designed and nobody's really going to see them. It's kind of like the undies for your feet. Yeah.

Feet undies. The undies should have socks, don't they? Do they not? Mode all socks. Yeah. Can you imagine? Yeah. Rich or poor stance is our free sock tip.

Yeah. Got one? Do you have another one? If a girl has a child, is that a deal breaker for you? Ooh, great question. No, it's not. And for me, yes, it is. Wow. Yeah, I can't handle that responsibility. I can't be a daddy right now. You date someone and then you're also a daddy? You're not the daddy. Yeah, but you're pretty close to the daddy. If you're just dating, you're not a daddy.

Yeah, but then eventually you're working towards becoming a daddy. A stepdad. I mean, if all goes well and you get married, if you meet your soulmate and that woman or man has a child that you'd be a step-parent. Yeah, I can't have that. I don't begrudge anybody that goes for it, but for me personally, I wouldn't get involved in that situation. I'd be too afraid of the responsibility. And I would welcome the responsibility, but do a bad job with it. So those are your only two options. You can either try and fail or never attempt at all.

Andrea asks, what are your beliefs? Oh, so that's a bot learning how to ask questions? What are my beliefs? Oh, here's a recent belief of mine based on conversations that we've had in the office. I don't think people, or I should say, I mean, some people do, but I think the majority of people don't know what's recyclable and what's not. And they're just guessing.

Like you told me I can't recycle a Ziploc bag, which just really blew me away. You can't recycle glossy magazines. Like I just, I've, I've been dumping any paper product in the recycling. Yeah. You're saying that's not true. Um, I, yeah, there's paper towels. You can't do, uh, paper towels. One that I know you can't do. What about mag colored magazines? I mean, sorry, sorry. Newspapers like the Sunday funnies. I believe you can do that. I think that's fine. But this is...

I agree. Not everybody knows, including me. I do know that you can't recycle paper towels. Yeah, which seems weird to me. Well, paper towels are the last line of recycling. Meaning? Like, paper products have been recycled, recycled, recycled, and the final thing they make is paper towels.

That's the end of their life. Got it. They die after that. So you're supposed to, you dry something with a paper towel and you throw it away in the trash. That's garbage. Doesn't that seem counterintuitive?

Yeah, well, you know what? That's why I bought rags and now I don't use paper towel anymore at home. Would you say you've gone from riches to rags? Why don't you shut the fuck up, you little twerp? Come over here and I'll sock you one. And I'll suck you one. And I'll suck you one.

Get over here and I'll blow you, you little twerp. Wait, what? You want to blow me? Yeah. Oh, you're going down. Or I'm going down on you at 3 p.m. after school. You're like some sort of gay bully. Sexy bully.

Let's take a break. We'll come back. We'll answer some more questions. Let's thank a few sponsors. And we've gotten through a lot of questions. I'm proud of us. Me too. All right, we'll see you soon on the other side of this ad break.

Hi, we're back. What's up? Here's a question that can lead us into our live show plugs. Can we hang out in Atlanta? Oh, yeah. We're going to be in Atlanta for a minute. We're doing a lot of shows. Some of them are inching close to selling out.

None of them have sold out yet. I know Atlanta and D.C. and Brooklyn are close. And then even before that, we're going to Tempe. No, we're going to Denver on 419 and Tempe on 420. Yeah. Man, we're on the road a lot this fucking month. That's seven shows in about three weeks. That's too much. So if you live in Tempe or Denver, we're doing a live podcast there on the 19th and 20th. And then the 1st through the 5th of May, we're going to be Atlanta, Raleigh, D.C., Philly, New York, Brooklyn show. It would be awesome if you guys came out.

So far, we haven't had a negative review of any of our live shows. So if you're like on the fence, I don't know if we'll have fun. Just know you will have fun. We'll have fun. Yeah, you're going to have fun. I'm going to do a shoeie. Oh, regardless of if they know or ask for it. I don't care.

You're just going to begin drinking whiskey out of your shoe. I might do it on the plane just on the way there. Yeah, you did a Jet Bluey on the way home. Very, very good. I like that. Hey, man. What? Good stuff.

Bravo, dude. Jet Bluey. That's their new campaign. I guess instead of giving you water in those little plastic cups. It should be. They give it to you in little shoes. So that's our plug for our live shows. Come hang out with us for crying out.

It won't be fun if you're not there. It'll only be fun if we see you. It'll be like me and Jake on a stage alone and it's not good to have that. Also our YouTube channel, HeadGum's YouTube and If I Were You's YouTube has been posting a lot of funny videos. So if you want to see the last couple podcasts as a video

or some Jeffrey the Dumbass videos, check out our HeadGum and If I Were You YouTube channel. Here's a picture of the pig toy that I got when I was a kid. Is that really it? Yeah. Let me see. So what am I looking at here? This is plastic?

This isn't stuffed? The body is stuffed. The head was plastic, yeah. The body is stuffed. Oh, I see. So it's like a, this is a big sort of, should I say, is this a gay pig to you? No, he's not a gay pig.

He's a Harley Davidson pig. He's wearing leather boots, leather assless chaps. He's not wearing assless chaps. Leather jacket, a leather hat. He is wearing a leather hat. He's wearing a leather, he's a leather daddy. So how'd you find that toy? How did I find it?

The hat's not necessarily leather. It's just black. He's got an earring. He's got some warts on his face. He's a cool pig. And he rides a Harley. And what the fuck do you ride? A fucking Mazda?

This guy doesn't have to take any advice from you. I'm going to see if I can buy one. It's funny that that's what you really, really wanted as a kid. It really was. About $25. They've appreciated in value, Daddy. Father, what a wise investment it would have been for you to have spent $19 in 1996. This is so funny.

I can't believe I can still buy one. If you bought one and sent it to your dad, would he remember what it was? I think he would, and I know my mom would. Classic dad v. mom. My mom's a thoughtful little angel. Chris Armstrong writes, have or would either of you put Laura Hurwitz on blast? I've never put her on a public blast. But you've put your mom on regular blast?

I've gotten into fights with my mom. Fist fights, right? I think the maddest I ever got at my mom was when I was in college. And I was my freshman year at Moravian. And I was applying to transfer to yukon the school of champions yeah that was the holy grail so me and my friend steve who i mentioned ten dollars in the wallet steve yeah uh we both wanted he was at school in philadelphia i was at school in bethlehem we both didn't like it we were like we're gonna move we're gonna transfer to yukon

this is the dream. Yeah. Meanwhile, I also broke up with my high school girlfriend while I'm in college. Very exciting time. Sadly, I had a.5 GPA, so UConn didn't want to accept me for some reason. 2.5, 3.5? 0.5. 0.5. What? 0.5. They.5. What? 0.5.

They revoked my scholarship at Moravian. 0.5 is what? Half D's and half F's? Yeah. And I'm surprised I even got any D's. I didn't deserve the D's. So I was rejected by UConn. Of course. And for some reason, my mom

was still talking to my ex-girlfriend. And I guess, and like, for some reason, my mom was still talking to my ex-girlfriend. And the person that I really didn't want knowing that I got rejected from UConn, my mom told her. Oh, I see. And then she like was talking to me online and with a lot of snark was like, sorry, you got rejected from UConn. Your mommy told me. Oh, and sorry you lost the leather pig, too. You're rubbing it in. So I put my mom on blast for that.

And I'm putting her on blast right now for it. You still haven't forgiven her. I mean, I have forgiven her since. But that was, that really, that got my goat, man. That got my pig. Did you just, like, hang, like, go blind with rage and, like, just pick up a landline and call your mom? Yeah, I did. I was like, why did you do that?

Hello, mother. Mom. You told my fucking girlfriend! Ex-girlfriend. Did you ever put, yeah, the question was about my mom, but did you ever put your mom on a blast? Yeah, I'm trying to wonder. Oh, yes. I think I told this story once before where my mom gave away all my Halloween candy to my flag football team in sixth grade.

So she, at the end of a practice or a game, dumped my entire lot of Halloween candy onto the field because it's just cheap candy. And if I wanted more, I could buy more. Oh, this is the hardest I've laughed in a little while. How dare you. Mother. Mother. I've earned that candy by dressing up like Bart Simpson, Mother. The neighbors gave me the candy, Mother.

I asked for the Tootsie Rolls, Mama. They're not for you to give away. You've invaded my pillow sack, mother. You know I've got a sweet tooth. Buy me another costume, mother, so that I may re-earn the candy, mother. I will go door-to-door tricked or treated on November 3rd, mama. Let's see here. When are you coming to Michigan?

We don't have plans to come to the Midwest, but that'd be another fun tour to do. Yeah, I'd like that. We're inching closer towards being in Montreal this summer. That's kind of like Michigan. Yeah. That's a, it touches a great lake. Mm-hmm. Uh, if today is Monday and I say, I saw you last weekend, is that one day or eight days ago explain your reasoning i would i i would say if i said oh i saw him last weekend that was eight days yeah if you were saying i saw somebody and if you're talking about weekend i know because this weekend i still think is the one ahead even on monday you know i guess on a guess on a Monday, if you say I saw you this weekend.

Yeah. That's past tense. I saw you last weekend. I think the way to phrase it is, oh, I saw you this past weekend. This past weekend. The one that just passed. And this weekend would be the one coming up? Yeah. Even on a Monday? Even on a Monday.

On a Monday! Going up! What else you got? String cheese or mozzarella sticks? I have to choose one to eat for the rest of your life. Mozzarella sticks. Yeah, does anybody prefer non-deep fried anything? Is the steamed version ever better?

Like a grilled chicken sandwich versus fried? Yeah, well, I mean mean maybe if you had to choose grilled chicken or fried chicken for the rest of your life it feels like that's harder well that's harder only for health reasons right you know which one's better yeah but like you can't do that yeah because then it's like i'm i'm sort of like i'm i'm relegating myself to never having like a healthy salad i will always have fried chicken. Well, then I guess you could have salmon in the salad. Yeah.

Or a nice soie. Yeah, you never see deep fried salmon. Huh. Get at me, Twitter. And this time do at me. Young Axel writes, have we been saying people's names the entire time? No. No, we haven't.

Okay. I don't hate ice cream, but I don't like it as much as everyone else. Is this normal? Should I pretend to like it? Am I weird? Help. You kind of are this way. Yeah, that's why I wanted to answer it.

So you don't love ice cream? I don't care for it. When do you get it? Almost never. But when do you get it? When do. But when do you get it? When do I? Yeah, like when would you be like, yeah, I'll do it. I guess if everybody, if I was with a bunch of people that were going to get ice cream

and everyone got ice cream. So it's like a fitting in social thing. Yeah, well, I mean, even then sometimes I will get like a sample. I just, it's so rich and cold and creamy. I don't need a lot of it, you know? I got ice cream in Australia. We were walking around. Yeah, that was nice.

Do you consider it? No, I didn't think about it. But I did get a sample. I did't need a lot of it, you know? I got ice cream in Australia. We were walking around. Yeah, that was nice. Do you consider it? No, I didn't think about it. But I did get a sample. I did get a sample. Yeah. But you didn't even... It's a tough thing to do. Could the sample have been good enough

for you to have pulled the trigger? No. I like to have a little taste. Yeah. The tough thing is having a sample and then not getting any ice cream. Yeah, that's a good acting job. And then she's like,

okay, do you want anything? You know what? That flavor wasn't quite good enough for me. I think a good acting job. And then she's like, okay, do you want anything? You know what? That flavor wasn't quite good enough for me. I think I'm all right. Thank you. Yeah. And then you have to run away before they make eye contact.

It's like when you try samples at a farmer's market. This is our turkey jerky. It's like pineapple teriyaki flavor. That's good. All right. Did you want to? No, I'm okay.

Yeah, we locally sourced. All right, fuck off. Just wanted and needed and got a free taste. So there I am. And I've already forgotten your name. Do I want your card? No, I don't. Peas in the room.

Why don't you get a real job? Well, I am an accountant during the week, during the weekends. Good. Why don't you get a better hobby? Well, I do. I also am a semi-professional soccer player, and I do this turkey jerky thing on the side. Gee whiz, you're fucking awesome, man. I'll have a quarter ounce.

That'll be $95. Fuck me. Soccer does not pay the bills. Your accountant, is that a write-off? What is the worst type of person? Writes, Caged Edgar. Caged Edgar. Cage Edgar.

What's the worst type of person? A dumb, angry, stubborn one. Dumb, angry, stubborn? Dumb, angry, stubborn. But what if you're dumb, angry, stubborn, and hot? That's pretty good. Okay. So, an ugly, dumb, stubborn, angry, a stubborn, angry, dumb. Angered, stubborn, angry, dumb.

You're basically just describing like Steve Bannon. Yeah. I guess I do think he's the worst person. Because he's like mean and also forcing other people to not be nice. Yeah, but I think he's smart. But then that begs the question, is that even worse if you're like intelligent and you're mean? Right. You're like, you know what you're doing.

Yeah, like is the meanest thing to be a dictator and like sort of, I'm not saying that he's a dictator. I'm saying, let's start from scratch. Was Hitler meaner than like his dumb executioners? Right. Because he was like intelligently brainwashing people versus just the idiots that would be like, yeah, I'll do anything. I'll carry out the order of killing people.

Yeah. Like that's pretty bad. That's a bad, they're both bad. But what's the worst? I think the evil mastermind's the worst one, I guess. So you can still be smart and the worst person. Yeah. For sure.

Because you do more net damage. The worst kind of person. Oh, or if you're like rude to waiters. Yeah. Just like a nasty rudesman. Or like if something costs like $24.01 and I give you $25 and then instead of giving me a dollar back, you start like counting out 99 cents. Like, all right, the 99, it's like four pennies, three nickels. Why don't you jump off a frigging bridge, huh?

I'm talking to you, not the guy counting out the change. I like this question from Zaria. How do I start my life over without moving? Start your life over. Today is the first day of your life. This is the first day of my life. Can you do it? Does he talk about when you read that, did you imagine moving cities or like just moving

apartments within the same city? I guess moving cities. I think buying new stuff. Haircut is a good one Yeah start fresh Change your face You can change your face over the course of a couple months I think

Yeah that's true Face Haircut Beard Glasses Those are three things This is coming from a woman Yeah that's what I'm saying

How different her life would be With a haircut A beard And glasses That's true I think it's a woman I don't entirely know How about bangs?

I'm serious. Like, what about bangs as like a fucking restart? What better way to say, hey, I'm ready for the day than a gosh darn power bang? Bang. Yeah, a single bang.

I was going to say rearrange your room. Oh, that's good too. Like, yeah. Why don't you read up about feng shui? Can't move your house? Move your furniture. Yeah.

Your bed doesn't have to be on that wall that it's on right now. No, it doesn't. Unless you don't want to block a closet or a window or something. Absolutely not. But yeah, you can rearrange your room. Your dresser could be different. You can buy a new duvet. Oh, that's nice.

Give yourself a throw pillow. Yeah. Let's just upgrade the room and read a book of poetry. That'll really clear your head. And I say bangs. I'm down with bangs too. So bangs plus that. Rearrange the room.

Open the window. Get some fresh air. That's important. That's good. Read poetry. Yeah. And getange the room. Open the window. Get some fresh air. That's important. That's good. Read poetry. Yeah. And get yourself a bang. Exercise too.

Oh, exercise. Go on a fucking run. Running feels good. Sweat. Get a sweat on. Yeah, dude. We got time for a couple more questions. Desperate Tim writes,

Just out of a couple year relationship, should I seize the cheese with a new squeeze or stay a singlesman so out of a new relationship should he jump into a new one no or should he just enjoy the single ride enjoy the single ride brother but what if you meet someone that's great do you say uh sorry it has to wait yeah yeah i think it does yeah this is sort of goes back to your theory with ice cream. Yeah. I'd like to taste them all.

Just a taste. And then I'm going to walk away. Yeah. And then I'll ultimately like to disappoint you. You know what's crazy about ice cream, now that we're talking about it again? Sure. One scoop is so much ice cream. They can give you two flavors in one scoop.

It's too much. Yeah. And you can get two and three scoops. One scoop is nearly a pint of ice cream. This is why I don't like ice cream. Because it's way too much. Don't get me so much. It's way too much.

I don't need to walk around with literally a pint of ice cream in a cone. Yeah. And a cone is already like a cookie. You're basically having a waffle. Yeah. It's bad. It's a bad situation.

But then there's fro-yo. What are your thoughts? Where do you land on Pinkberry? Absolutely anti. Because it's not even It's a bad situation. But then there's fro-yo. What are your thoughts? Where do you land on Pinkberry? Absolutely anti. Because it's not even as good as ice cream. Yeah, I mean, the only time I'll really enjoy ice cream is if it's like summer day, I'm on vacation with my family, and we have got Friendly's ice cream in the freezer,

and I make it, or my dad makes it for me on a cone. My daddy making me ice cream. He's got a lot of nostalgia for that. He bought me a piggy and then he makes me nice and plump. But don't you crave a little sweet thing? Like I always finish dinner. I'm like, now I would like a little bit of frozen yogurt. At the end of the night these days,

I enjoy a morsel of dark chocolate, but I really only need a morsel. I don't need like- A single dark chocolate covered almond. That's like such an adult dessert. Yeah. At the end of the night... It would be a single one.

I would probably have two or maybe three if they're dark chocolate covered almonds. That's such like a 30 year old thing. It's like at the end of the night, I'll have a piece of bitter chocolate and that'll be my life. And I truly only have a square. A single square of bitter, salty fudge.

It's even sadder if you know how much I enjoy it. Because it's a lot. I am awash with emotion. The relief washes over me in an awesome wave. Last question. Oh, this is kind of a stupid question to end it on. So just search for a better question. But is Marty's full name Martin?

I don't know. It has to end it on. So just search for a better question, but is Marty's full name Martin? I don't know. It has to be. Oh. It is. Okay. Martin Kekle Michael. The Kekle. The Kekle.

We should tell the story of the Kekle. Oh, that's pretty good. So let's end with that. All right. And this is also an open pitch to HGTV, which is where we want to pitch this TV show. So when we were moving to our last home together, we wanted to have a house that had enough space for our studio. So we were looking for a three bedroom with a den, a really nice big home that we can spend some of it working, some of it living, some of it playing, some of it having fun.

Which allowed us to like up our rental budget. Yeah. So we're seeing some nice houses. However, in these houses, not all rooms are created equal. No, there is always a master. Of course there's a master. Which is why we started calling each other the master. The master deserves to be in the master.

The master is the master. Everyone wants to be the master. Yes. And that's what be the master. Yes. And that's what the show is. Right. It's a roommate competition where three roommates compete to see who is the master. And the master will have oftentimes a balcony. The master will, of course, have the en suite.

It will have the en suite. It will have built-ins. It will get southern and northern light. It is exposed. It is a corner office. It is a masterful view because, after all, it is the master. You are a masterful you. Second to the master is a room usually designated as the second bedroom.

It's not quite the master, but at the same time, it's not the worst room in the house either. Hence, we called it the mini master. There's the master, then there's the mini master, because the mini master is pretty close to the master, but not quite. It's got a nice size closet. It's not an en suite, but it's got a private bathroom. Yeah, it's just out of the hall. You got to walk into the hall.

You have to walk into the hall, but it's still, it's probably going to be your own personal bathroom. Yeah, if the master costs, let's say, $1,000, the mini master is somewhere in the 800 range. Yes. And they might have a Juliet balcony, but it does not have a walk-on balcony. Oh, absolutely not. And you can stand at the threshold of your closet, but you will not be walking in. And if it is a Juliet one, there will be no Romeo. Wherefore art thou master? You will not be getting a kiss. Tis the east, and Juliet is the masteress.

And then, in most three-bedroom houses we've seen, so there's the master, there's the mid-master, and then there's some sort of maid's quarters. There's a room that's borderline not a room. That's wet, small, unwindowed, un-doored, un-moored, and un-adorned. It was, let's say in the 1700s, it's where you put the hired help that just need a place to lay their head at night

before serving you each and every day. Yes, the room is soiled and you are spoiled. Yeah. If the master is 1,000 and the mini-master is 800, the small, small shitty room is around 250. 250. So when living in these places,

it was tough to decide who got the master, who got the mini master, who got the third bedroom. So I had an idea, which was... You... Well, I'm trying to think of the stipulation. I think it germinated from like, you can have the master, but we are going to call you Kiko. That's right. And then we just started calling Marty Kiko.

And then it became clear that we were going to make a say in the maids quarters. So we started calling the shittiest room of all the houses the Kiko. Yeah. the maid's quarters so we started calling the shittiest room of all the houses the kekel yeah so he saved a lot of money probably over a thousand dollars a month saved by living in what we now call the kekel but my favorite part of this is we were um we toured maybe like a dozen houses probably more with um what was her name uh gosh i Me too. You should really know. Maggie or Charlotte? No. Jan? No.

She seemed like a Jan. Oh, oh, oh, it's on the tip of my dick. Rebecca? No, it was Patty. Yeah, sort of like a nice Midwestern lady real estate agent. Yeah, so she was bringing us around to every single one of these houses, and every time we were walking through, it was like, around to every single one of these houses. And we kept on, every time we're walking through, it was like, all right, let's see the master. And now

the Kekul. She had no idea that we're doing the dumbest bit. Saying like, you're staying in the Kekul. Well, I don't know if I can afford not living in the Kekul and I don't want to live in the Kekul. And then the last few houses, she was like, all right, this one's the Kekul. She got it. She started doing the bit. So with the HGTV show about three roommates finding a house, figuring out what rooms to live in, would it be called The Master or would it be called The Kekle? I think it would be called The Master because that one sort of instantly wrecked. And then The Kekle will be the funny thing that you learn from watching the show.

That's like the inside joke. Yeah. Someone will be staying, ending up in the Kikol. Oh, God, the bit that we used to do, too, about, like, the mini-master carrying out the master's bidding to whip and beat Kikol. Kikol, master is going to find himself a little thirsty in the middle of the night.

Kikol, why don't you eat your shoe? Kikol, I'd hate for the master to have to get out of bed tonight and urinate. Kiko, I need you to sleep at the master's bed. Open your mouth so that he may use you as a human toilet without having to walk to the bathroom. And at a certain point, you would, like,

stick up for the Kiko. Mini-Master, that won't be. I'm like, Master, please. I'm just trying to be humble. That's enough, Mini Master. Allow me to beat the shit out of Kekul for you. Quiet. He just angers me so, Master. And then we would find...

Kekul struck me, Master. What did you learn to think for yourself, Kekle struck me master What did you learn to think for yourself Kekle? Kekle did the strangest thing to me last night master He expressed sadness for a situation Do you know understand where Kekle's learning? Basic human emotions like guilt, jealousy, greed Master you should see this Kekle painted this picture of you

It has a certain level of unhappiness. Should we replace Kekle, sir? That won't be necessary, Mini Master. I'd love to change Kekle out for a fresh one. I fear this one's becoming a little bit too self-aware. We'll change him out for you, Mini Master. There's all these bits about Kekle rising. Oh, man. Love it. Maybe we'll change him out for you, Mini Master. There's all these bits about Kekle rising.

Oh, man. Love it. So, do you live in a three-bedroom? Tell us about your Kekle. Hashtag Kekle. All right. That's it. And that's what we call Marty.

That's the episode. Fun times, good times. Let us know if you liked it. Lightning Round Edition Part 2, I guess. The opening theme song was written by Nikita. This closing one was written by, I believe his name is Devin Penn. Little disclaimer, he said he uses the N-word in it, but he's black. So we deemed it appropriate. It's not for us to decide.

That's right. We're playing it as an outro theme song. A good rap by Devin. Thanks to Devin for writing. Thanks to you guys for tweeting. Thanks to everyone else who's been writing theme songs and questions for us. That email address for everything is ifirayoushow at gmail.com We'll be back

I think in a week. Is it Marcy? The real estate lady? Yes, Marcy. That's what's up. That's your right. You're right. Is it Marcy, the real estate lady? Yes, Marcy. That's what's up. That's, you're right. You're right. It is Marcy. God damn it.

Good work. Thanks, Marcy. Find her on Zillow, folks. We'll be back next week. Hopefully, we'll see you at one of our shows. Tickets for all of them are at ifireyoushow.com or jakeandamir.com. Peeve. Dos. Sit down.

Be humble. Podcast trippin'. They got all the jokes, advice, and life is what you missin'. Hey, if you never knew how to act around the women. All your boyfriends' micropenis fell out while y'all were swimmin'. And now your friends seen it. And now they laughin' at him. That's my two favorite truths. How to act about it. Jake is a hunk. Amir ain't no punk.

Jake got a beard, but so does Amir. But Jake's is longer and it's kind of red, which is chill. I like that shit. If it was mine, I'd spike that shit like a mohawk on my fucking chin. I used to not know how to ask all the questions. Then I started listening to this and learned some lessons. It's too chill. Guys, they're not wise.

They don't sympathize. They don't tell no lies. So if I had body's guidelines. If I were you, what the fuck would I do? Guys, hella wise, they don't sympathize They don't tell no lies, so It buys by these guidelines If I were you, what the fuck would I do? Probably ask Jake in the mirror how they feel I said, now, if I were you, what the fuck would I do? Probably ask Jake in the mirror how they feel I said, now, if I were you, what the fuck would I do?

Probably ask Jake in the mirror how they feel I said, now, if I were you, what the fuck would I do? Probably ask Jake in the mirror how they feel. I said, now, if I were you, what the fuck would I do? Probably ask Jake in the mirror how they feel. I said, you know, this is what happens, man. If you don't pay attention to the truth, funny as we love, man. So heck, bro, if I were you, if you were me, if we were everybody, then everyone would see how good this thing is, man. Heck, until I die, everybody know, man.

The road don't block, triple, man. This how until I die, everybody know, man. I rode the whole block tripping, man. This how it go down, man. Everybody know. Peace out. That was a HeadGum Podcast. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets.

That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.