Segments - 27: Sex Is Sex (with Pete Holmes Live At ComicCon!)

Episode Date: October 14, 2013

Comedian Pete Holmes joins us at NYComicCon for our first LIVE podcast recording. We discuss losing your virginity, getting a pet, and chasing your dreams. For more Pete, check out The Pete Holmes Show starting October 28th, midnight after Conan on TBS! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, it's Amir. Jake's not here right now. He's busy apple picking or something. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I

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I think that's okay. It's Sunday. He doesn't have to work. That's my job. Anyway, so this is a very special episode of If I Were You for many reasons. One, it was our first live taping of an episode, which was very exciting. We recorded at NYC Comic Con. And two, we had one of our favorite special guests ever. It's Pete Holmes, star of The Pete Holmes Show on TBS. So if you like Pete, which you will, you should like this episode. And if you like Pete, check out The Pete Holmes Show, which is starting October 28th on TBS at midnight after Conan. Also excited to report that we

videotaped this episode. So we're going to release that on Tuesday, the day after we release the podcast. If you're listening on Monday, October 14th, all you can do is listen to it for now. But if you're listening to it on Tuesday and until the universe ends, we're going to have that video up and available for you guys on our YouTube channel, which is If I Were You Show. And also you can watch it on your iPod or your iTunes or your iPhone because we made a separate iTunes podcast for our video versions, which you can probably find on the iTunes store. So please enjoy the audio. Please enjoy the video. Please enjoy the episode.

And thank you so much for those of you who have been leaving positive reviews on our iTunes podcast. We really appreciate it. It helps us out a lot. I still want to give you guys shout-outs. There was a lot to go through, but I just chose the last five. Here we go. Thank you so much to Loney37, Zerakresh, A Nice Sunset, Jacqueline Wiener, or Jacqueline Wiener, Salman1, and A Bee Bit My Bottom. Those were the last five people to leave positive reviews on our iTunes podcast. And yeah, if you want to do the same, we'll try to give you a shout out as often as we do our show.

We'll have another bonus episode Thursday this week. But for now, enjoy this episode, which we shot once again live at Comic-Con. Thanks, everybody, except for Jake. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. I'll tell you what I would do. If only I were you.

Shark.com. Jake and the man. Come on, Jake. You nailed it. You nailed it. All right. Thank you, guys. Thanks, Shane. Wow, loud. Thanks, Shane. We met that guy earlier today,

and he paid us $100 to introduce the show, and we didn't take him up on it. What the fuck happened? guy earlier today and he paid us $100 to introduce the show. And we didn't take him up on it. What the fuck happened? He did it anyway. Anyway, thank you guys so much for coming to our first live taping of our podcast, If I Were You. By a show of hands, how many of you guys have heard the show before?

Wow. For those of you guys only listening at home, nobody raised their hand just now. The entire room just stared at me silently. Several people just walking out. Shane's leading an exit party. Holy shit, Shane. Shane, why? We'll give you $100.

But so for those of you who don't know, the way it works is people email us. They're difficult situations. They're in a sticky place in their lives and they don't know what to do. And they're so desperate that they email us idiots for advice. My friends don't ask me for advice.

You don't have any friends. And then they... Get off me! And we do our best to answer. Luckily, it's usually just me and Jake. Sometimes we have a guest, and today we have a very, very, very special guest that we're very, very excited about. So if you guys can put your hands together for Peter Holmes.

Peter Holmes, everyone. Nice to see you. Whoa. Did you know that? Is that an inside joke? I thought that was you. No. Did you know that? Is that an inside joke? I thought that was you. No. I thought I farted that.

No. If I make a really good joke, or if anybody makes a really good joke, or if anybody makes a really good point, or really if there's any excuse to do the Usher sound, we do the Usher sound. Oh, really? All right. Yeah. One request before we start. Can we turn Amir's mic impossibly higher and Jake's mic down a little bit more?

Wow. It is so quiet. I need mine at a 20 out of 10 and Jake's at a 2. Is it really loud for you guys? No, he was just joking. It was already very high. It is getting louder.

You were joking, right? I didn't know. Nobody is here. God did that. And we appreciate it, Jesus. Which Jesus? Which one? Mormon or regular?

Extra Tasty Crispy or Mormon? I thought Extra Tasty Crispy would be Mormon. Because they took original recipe, Jesus. Added more spices. Any Latter-day Saints here today? Holy shit, the colonel himself. No, it's not me. So this is a religion

podcast, right? Yes. Mostly faith-based questions. If I were Jew. That's actually our time. That's our time. Is that our time? Yeah, thanks so much for coming. The old one joke guest.

There's a podcast. Go out strong, man. A lot of podcasts try to cram in more than one joke, but we're sort of like a one joke and out type deal, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that. Yeah. So, Pete, you want to get started?

Yeah. Doesn't this room look like the holodeck if you didn't turn it on yet? Very plain is what I'm saying. Yeah, beige. Very sterile. This is just like a pair of Dockers if it were a room. There's a lot of negative energy, a lot of negative space. There's not a lot of intimacy.

I see a lot of smiling faces, but I feel so far from you. Indiana, you belong in a museum. You're looking good, feeling good. I just want to do crowd work. I know, it's great. I have a front row seat to your heart. Are you somebody? I'm a nobody, sir.

That's what everyone told me my whole life. Stand up and take your shirt off, sir. I wouldn't believe you. You could be Scott Pilgrim. No. You can say anything you want. He be Scott Pilgrim. No. You can say anything you want. He's defensively. Scott Pilgrim has confidence.

Just a regular kid from Canada. That's fine. Okay, I know it's a visual medium, so I'll stop. Is that a... What are you? Yeah, I sincerely hope you're somebody not just here to bomb us all. Just a guy in a cape. The guy's wearing a ski mask with a black hoodie.

Yeah. That's the last thing I'll see before I die, I assume. I'm sorry I don't recognize it, but are you, what is it called in Star Wars where you're, you know? Are you one of the, and you get the R2 unit and you're like, oh, he's leaving. You're making him leave. He's not leaving, you son of a bitch.

Whoa. You don't know where you are? You just went with the terror that lives in your heart? You're just like, however that comes out,

I like killing things. Go. He didn't even know he was at Comic-Con. Yeah. That is, that's very creative and a living nightmare.

He's just in the Chabot Center all the time. Blends in four days a year. All right, let's get started. That is, that's very creative and a living nightmare. He's just in the Javits Center all the time. Blends in four days a year. All right, let's get started. All right, let's do it. First question. We're going to give this person a fake name just because we don't want to out him as a real human.

So we'll call this person... Let's call him Matthew Super Grover. Yeah. Matthew. What's your name, sir? Me. Yeah. BJ.

Okay, so BJ writes... Ah, BJ. BJ writes... BJ writes... I have this best friend who started going out with this girl a few weeks ago. They seem to have a nice relationship, but the thing is she's been giving me these sexual looks sometimes. The kind of looks that say, I want to bang you. I think we all know that look. I don't exactly like this girl,

but hey, sex is sex. Should I leave these sexual advances unanswered or should I mount this girl hardcore? If I go for it, how do I stick this chick without getting caught? Thanks for the help. Love, BJ. If I only... I think even if I didn't know anything else about BJ's situation,

if I only heard the sentence, should I mount this girl hardcore, I would hate him as much as I still do. Yeah. You should never mount, right? Never say you're mounting. That'll really ruin the mood if once you begin making love, you go, I've mounted you.

You've been mounted by the beachmeister. Stop. Why were you giving me all those whore looks? You're dating my... Isn't he dating... Yes, he was dating his best friend. So he doesn't even like her, but he's still like, I don't know.

Sex is sex. I might ruin my friendship and my friend's relationship. Yeah. I was trying to mount somebody. You gotta mount what you gotta mount. That's true, man. And who says sex is sex if you're just like,

ah, sex is sex. You're doing it wrong. It's supposed to feel like Christmas on your dick. And then he expels tinsel all over the globes. Oh, God. That was too dirty for me. Next question. What are you doing?

Holy shit. The broken power. He's already mounted her. It's too late. She gave him those bang me lists. No, the answer is don't be an asshole, you fucking asshole. Quit being a piece of shit

and keep your fucking friendship, you fucking fuck Stop writing your worst impulses To an internet show That's This is how you lost your girlfriend right That's how I lost my wife This is probably the motherfucker that fucked my wife

I announced it or unfortunately Hey sex is sex That's what I said as I came Yeah that is A real vaginal dehumidifier Hey, sex is sex. That's what I said as I came. Yeah, that is a real vaginal dehumidifier, that whole litter. Whatever was moist is dry at the end of that one. Those are real men.

That's my group. They're in my group. I'm not proud of our group. I'm prouder of the guy who dressed like a living nightmare more than the the guy who sex is sex gotta mount something. Is there... You think there's an actual look that means I want to bang you? Right, I think this guy's never had sex

in his life, actually. He thinks every look means that. I think so. Yeah, he's got that disease where you can't read people's faces. You're giving me that look. Exactly. Holy shit, I have to mount you, I think.

I'm not gay, but hey, sex is sex. Yeah! This is fun. We've never done this show for more than one person. Is that true? You just stick to one person? We just, uh, it's either me and Jake and nobody, or me, Jake, and one other guest. Oh, I see.

It's pretty long a show. I understand. I didn't understand any of that. And now? You're still nothing. Rumbling. Alright, powering through. Next question. Wait, do we give them advice? Don't do it, right? Yeah, don't do it. Cool, go. And you're an asshole. Yeah. So don't do it, one.

You're an asshole, two. Sex isn't sex. Sex, three. It's Dick Christmas. Yeah. Or Dick't do it, one. You're an asshole, two. Sex isn't sex. Sex, three. It's dick Christmas. Or dick-nica, depending on your religion. Hornica? Caquanza? Caquanza?

You did it. Romantic. Romantic? Thank you! Thank you! We got there. Ramadick. Ramadick? Ramadick, thank you. The helpful heckler. I have one. Ramadick, you don't have sex for 30 days and then you fuck when the sun goes down. Ramadick.

Ty. You can't eat my cock after sunrise, right? Is that how it works? That's what it is, yeah. That was more accurate. Jesus Christ. All right. Good was more accurate. Jesus Christ. All right. Good work.

Yeah. Go team. I'm proud of us. Just go to the next question. Okay. Hey, guys. Guy in the hoodie, what's your name? Yeah, you.

The guy whose face is terrifying. Mark? You have such a normal name. That's what's so sweet about Comic-Con is you get to be whoever you want to be. You're Mark. You work at the UPS store. Your girlfriend Judy's a real yappy brat.

And you come here and you just live your fantasy of being a serial killer. Is this your girlfriend? You don't look yappy. You're very sweet. Oh, it's kind of terrifying to see him grab you. If you were by an unmarked van, I would have come to your aid.

Holy shit, her nose is bleeding right now. He did that. Do you need help? Blink a couple times. He can't see you, or anything. Just walk out of the room if you need help, really. You didn't dress up, though. You're just going as reluctant girlfriend?

Or are you dressed up as... Oh, you are. Who are you? What is it? Vanellope Von Sweets? Oh, it's from Wreck-It Ralph. Oh, from Murphy Brown. Right. Yeah, I've seen that episode.

Here's Sarah Silverman. Isn't she played by... The look on your face is you've never heard those words. Vanellope is real to her. Sarah Silverman, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we've learned a lot today.

Let's learn a little more. Mark writes, I'm 19 years old and I'm turning 20 in two months. I've gone to second and third base with a couple girls, but I live in the South, so both girls ended up being too conservative for home play. I haven't had any action in a year, and I'm feeling a little psyched out

by still being a virgin at almost 20. I got on the subject with my co-worker, and he recommended visiting one of those high-class hotel escorts, so I can get the whole thing over and done with. Mm-hmm. That's the right reaction. Do you think that that would be a dumb idea, or do you think that

that would actually help out? Thanks, Mark. Can I just submit that his friend who told him to go to an escort was probably BJ from the first letter? Hey, sexy sex, throw down some money, who gives a shit? You gotta mount it. Cash up front, mount, move on. Ruin a friendship.

I'm BJ. If you don't have a girl, just fuck the money. Roll up a hundred dollar bill and fuck the money. It's like getting a BJ from Ben Franklin. A BJ from BF. Old Ben Franklin blowjob humor. Pretty standard. Pretty standard.

Well drawn. Nobody's safe. We go after them all. Hampton, you're next. I'd also like to say, if you're concerned about losing your virginity, stop saying psyched out and using the base system. That's not fair. That's not fair. It doesn't work with a girl if you're concerned about losing your virginity, stop saying psyched out and using the base system. That's not fair. It doesn't work with a girl if you're like,

oh, baby, I'm on third right now. Come on. Oh, the umpire's dusting off home. Oh, God. That's what you call taking your panties off, dusting off home. That is so fucked up.

I'm so sorry. There's a play at the plate. Oh, he's out. Yeah. I don't know if you've ever been listening to a comedian talk and realized he's offensive and then you realize you're that comedian. Yeah, that just happened.

That's what just happened to me. I'm like, I don't care for this guy. And it's me. Am I the only one who thinks he should fuck the whore? Well, I don't know if that's very sensitive to the night-walking community. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I'm trying to be like...

A high-powered, classy escort, sex-positive, empowered, working woman. Yeah. He should fuck her. Either way, put it in the butt. Put it either way? Put it in the butt. Put it either way? Put it in the butt? Sex is sex, right, brother?

He's only 20. 20's not that old for him to start worrying about Plan C. Yeah. What's Plan C? Plan C is the prostitute. Oh, I see. Plan B is the abortion pill. Plan C is the prostitute.

Plan A is actually finding someone to sleep with. Yeah, I think he's too desperate at too young of an age. I agree. When I was 20, I hadn't been to third base or second base. I haven't even picked up the fucking bat yet. I've done a lot of batting practice. I was still at big five looking for helmets. Trying to find a used one for half off.

So I think the true answer is just relax, right? Relax. That's the nice answer. Yeah. Jake's answer is... 20 years old is too old to be a virgin. Says the fucking good-looking freak next to me. You fucking weirdo. Beat it. This is comedy. It's for the weird faces likelooking freak next to me. You fucking weirdo.

Beat it. This is comedy. It's for the weird faces, like this one and this one. You're over here. Why are you leaning on a motorcycle, smoking a cigarette, like, you want to go back to my place?

Why are you fucking currently? I don't understand. I am the high-powered escort. Holy shit, there's someone giving him a blowjob out of his table. It's Ben Franklin. Well, you bifocaled slut.

I don't know. I don't think anybody... I was 21. I was about to turn 22 when I lost my virginity. Anybody beat that higher? Who's the oldest person here that's still a virgin? Oh god, awful question I'm serious man Come on stage and say it

Say your age and say how far you've gone And I'll fuck you right now Let's get the damn thing over with You know what, let's bring up the top two Just so I can see the next champion After I've met the winner What's that? I'll take that offer

Oh shit I know I came to Comic Con to get laid son in them. What's that? I'll take that offer. Oh, shit! I know I came to Comic-Con to get laid, son. Sex is sex. Sex is sex. Sex is sex. Sex is sex. I gotta fucking do it. Is this insane?

This feels more than right. It feels wrong. Finally. No, I think this guy could at least don't have sex, don't lose your virginity to a high-powered escort. That's your story for the rest of your life.

That's a good story. Actually, I think that's bullshit. Having a story for the rest... Who tells their virginity story like it's a good thing? No one does that. You don't have to have a special virginity. You can just fuck whoever you want. Yours is notoriously awful.

Yeah, but so is yours. Mine's like, at least, it's bad, it's embarrassing, but yours is, like, boring. Well, which is worse? I don't know. I think they're both the same. I will not. I absolutely will.

Sex is sex. Sex is sex. Sex is sex. Sex is sex. Sex is sex. Sex is sex. Sex is sex. 45 minutes. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. No. This is your nightmare.

I lost my virginity to a mirror. All right, it's sadly open. Not me, but somebody named me. All right, Jake's not going to do it. Should we move on to the next question? You realize we're all just imagining something worse than what it probably is. You know what? You're actually not. My car's not...

I know the story and I assure you, his is worse. What? Were you in Taken? What happened? First of all, Mark was there. Were you in Taken? I have a very specific set of turn-ons.

They're going to fuck you. How old were you? 20 is too old. You can say that. 14. That's too young, you fucking creep. That's too young. I don't think it was okay. He was a man in the eyes of Jewish God.

It was post-bar mitzvah. Toe down. It what? Was? Toe down, baby. Yeah, bar mitzvah's 13, boning 14, therapy 15, podcast 27. Seven years of crippling

loneliness. And then Ben Franklin S is your D at age 29. And then I'm dead by 30. Perfect. I think that's gross. You're just playing shoots and ladders and then you're like... I'm gonna hide my pee-pee! Like GoldenEye in a basement.

Oh man, that is where it was. Was it in the stacks? The library? The mines? No, yeah. I got laid in complex. Proximity mines? Yeah. Good choice. Thank you.

Ah, job. This is something we've never done. Get a question from someone we can physically see and talk to. That may be

a fun little treat. That's right. We should call their name and they can come up and read the question. Is it okay if I read your guys' real name? This is a question about dealing with a

dog. Allison B. Are you here, Allison B? You're here? Is it okay that I said Allison B? It's okay. Come on stage, Allison B. Let's give it up for Allison B. Allison B. writes Oh, I wrote, how do you get a dog? Get right in there

How do I get a dog without having to care for it every day? How do I get a dog without having to care for it every day? Step one Never, promise me, never get a dog Step two Step two, get one of those Japanese, you gotta feed me, beep, beep, video game dogs. Get a cactus. Step three, what you're looking for is called a cat.

Step four, thank you for playing. Wow, that was fucking quick. That was efficient. So a dog is a little much? It's mostly I'm not home all the time. Yeah, and they got diarrhea and shit. Yeah. Diarrhea and shit, you can believe it. And you don't want a cat either.

I'm allergic. You're allergic. To dog shit or to dogs? No, to cats. Oh, to cats. She's allergic to cats. Got it. So get a dog and get like a manservant. I think I cats. Oh, to cats. She's allergic to cats. Got it. So, get a dog and get like a manservant. I think I might just stick to YouTube clips. YouTube clips of dogs? Just yearning?

That's like only watching pornography and never fucking when you were 14. Hypothetically speaking. You know what you need to do? Do you have a boyfriend? I do. Where is he? At a different panel. He's at a different panel? You know where he should be? Break up with him.

At home, taking care of your dog. That would be nice. Yeah, get one of those real submissive types. You'll meet a bunch here. Mark, for example. I didn't mean that as an insult. I mean as one of us. One of us. What do you think? I think I'm a tough guy? I am a real submissive boyfriend. We'll do it. What's your boyfriend's name?

Trent. That sounds like a guy who shouldn't be here. And he's not going to take care of his dog. Here's what you say. Who let the dog starve? Trent. Who let the dog starve? Trent. Who fed the dog and didn't complain about it?

Caleb. Find a Caleb or a Vern or a Gene. Yeah, you need a Gene. A Gene never killed a dog. That's absolutely right. You'll only find Gene with some peanut butter. Come on, Comic-Con, I know you know what that means. You guys are fun.

You meant peanut butter on your dick. I meant make a dog Ben Franklin you. I think we're coming close to the record for Ben Franklin blowjob jokes. We passed it at one, I think. No, no, they shattered it. There was a Xena panel in 97 where Lucy Lawless just wouldn't stop saying, eat my box

Ben Franklin. She actually tied a key to her clitoris and walked outside in a goddamn storm. Franklin invented the first dildo. Wow. That's accurate. Anyway, don't get a dog.

Although, have you thought about getting a dog And just feeding it every other day Or one of those Rick Moranis Honey I Shrunk the Kids things That kind of mousetrap style feeds the dog for you Oh yeah What? You gotta watch that movie It's a good movie

That movie came out before anybody here was born And so I had never seen a movie Before 1983 Did we help you with your dilemma? Sure She's gonna go get a dog right now Let's give it up for Allison Thank you

Thank you Allison You can get a lizard Nobody gives a fuck about a lizard Thank you, Allison. Ooh, you can get a lizard. Nobody gives a fuck about a lizard. Yeah. You can kill as many lizards as you want. They're basically disposable. Just buy a lizard, don't feed it,

wait till it's dead, and then go get another one. And the new one can eat the carcass of the old lizard. That'll give you twice as long of a lizard life. Lizards are lizard food. Yeah, hot lizard on lizard action. Liquefy them like in the Matrix. L for L, hot lizard on lizard shit. Somebody said what? In the Matrix

they liquefied the dead to keep the people in the pods alive. Is that true? Jesus Christ. Where are we right now? I thought we were in Mark's basement. What? All right, let's read another at-home question. Cool.

This one comes from... What's your name, sir? Xavier? Cool name. Nice. Is Professor X's name Xavier? You should just... What is that?

Oh, Charles Xavier is his last name. Is Xavier your's name Xavier? You should just What is that? Oh, Charles Xavier is his last name Is Xavier your first name? Is your last name Charles? Charles, yeah Now Remember the joke about what Exhibit's real name is? Xavier Exhibit That is one of my favorite jokes.

I thought you came up with that. I did. I just wanted to give you some credit. All right. No, I thought you came up with it. All right. Next question from Xavier. Hey, guys.

I'm a freshman at the University of Illinois. Nice. But it was not easy to get here. My mom really wanted me to stay at home and commute to a local college. After a full year of begging, she finally let me go. The problem is that I really hate it here. Don't really wanted me to stay at home and commute to a local college. After a full year of begging, she finally let me go. The problem is that I really hate it here. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of babes, which is the real reason

to go to college, am I right? The problem is, school is too hard, I hate everyone in my dorm, and we suck at the sports, plus my roommate is a total lightweight and pukes every night. So please, please, please help. Should I go back home with my tail between my legs and admit

I was wrong or stay in Champaign Urbana? That's where the University of Illinois is. Love, Xavier. Well, Xavier, I think what you really need to do, there's a third option. You could go back home and your mom would be like, I told you, and you'd

never take another chance for the rest of your life. Or you're already far away. Now just go to any other school and be like, it's like I'm still at the University of Illinois with my weird lightweight roommate. There you go. But I feel like he won't like any school with this attitude. Well, yeah. That's possible. There's a million options for little Xavier here.

He has a really bad attitude. He hates school because they're bad at sports? Yeah. And because he hates his classes? Yeah. Well, he sucks at his classes. Oh. Sorry, you hate school because you suck. Wait, you suck at your classes? The school is too hard.

He said he's pretty smart. Well, this guy isn't the real Xavier. Oh. Yeah, that's just the name we chose. Oh, he's pretty smart Well this guy isn't the real Xavier Yeah that's just the name we chose Oh he's emanating a discomfort That I thought Let's just yell at him like he's Xavier Change your attitude dick No wonder your answer was so genuine

Yeah it was very Yeah because he's right there He's close enough to punch you in the face If you said what you wanted to Now that I know he's right there. He's close enough to punch you in the face if you said what you wanted to. Yeah, now that I know he's not here, fucking grow up, you piece of shit. That's Xavier. Keep strong, you know?

It's always hard the first year. I didn't like my college the first year. Nah, that's not really Xavier. You're a real wuss, and you need to tough it up. Come at me. Yeah, well. What do you think? You haven't answered a goddamn question yet.

I'm sort of a reader in that regard. If you hate everyone in your dorm, you're the problem. Yeah, you're that weird guy. There's never, like, you're with 90 other people, and they're all assholes. Doesn't everyone suck? No, man. Everyone gets everyone suck? No, man. Everyone gets along except for you, Xavier. It's this email.

Another couple self-help emails manifesto. That's what we're dealing with. Like Unabomber style. The next thing he writes will be, to the government. He'll still email us at ifireadyshowatgmail.com, but it'll be addressed to the government. Just in the two subject, the government.

Please forward to the government at government.gov. I don't want to help this guy because he's sort of an asshole. So I want to tell him to go home with his tail between his legs because he failed. Go live with your mom forever, sir. That's what you deserve. I think it's easy to hate college, though. Maybe you just... Well, that's one of the big misconceptions.

People are like, it's the greatest time of your life. It's not that great. It's way better once you're out. You got to... Like, I went to college, didn't like it. Well, I dropped out, but also they didn't want me back. So it's sort of like a mutual relationship. Yeah, it was like, I don't want to go to you anymore. And they're like of like a mutual relationship. Yeah, it was like,

I don't want to go to you anymore. And they're like, well, you can't. And I was like, good. And they're like, no, no, no, not good. Mandatory. Whatever. Not whatever. Please leave. Fine, shut up. We won't shut up. We actually are the school. Give me my fucking transcript.

You're trying to transfer. You failed every class. And then I went to a different school, and then I dropped out of that one. Could have gone back. Didn't want to. Third school, dropped out again. Wow. Yeah.

Three for three. And then finally, I went to my fourth school and also hated it and dropped out. So shit, you don't need to go to college if you don't want. I'm up here with Pete Holmes And Amir Blumenfeld That's true, and Ben Franklin's under the table Giving him a rim job

So everything works out Drop out of school Drop out of school Drop out of school Ah yeah, that was good, good commitment You guys aren't gonna drop out You commit to things and stick them out Promise me you won't

You'll commit to school like you committed to that chant. Very little-y. Yeah. Let's take another person who's actually here question. Xavier. No, he didn't write in. Natasha. Natasha, are you up in here?

Up in here? Natasha? Natasha D. Is that you? Natasha. Did you ask a question about your career path? Let's come on up, Natasha. Ben Franklin blowjob.

Natasha, do you want me to read this for you? Do you want to read it? I want to read it. She wants to read it. I'll read it. How dare you, sir? I've gotten a paper cut.

How is that fair? At what cost? Alright, make sure to get really close to the camera. Real close, real close. This close? Oh, closer. Kiss that microphone. This is how you get off. Do you sound? Kiss the fucking microphone, Sasha. See how I'm kissing it? Can you mount it? Pretend you're kissing my metal lips.

I'm not comfortable. Go ahead, Natasha. I can ask my question now? Yeah, yeah. Okay. So I'm about to graduate from college, and I need to decide on a career path. I really like neuroscience,

but I'm also a pretty banging opera singer. I'm serious. So I could do either. Which one should I choose? Well, I guess I want to hear you sing opera first. I want to see you perform brain surgery. And then we'll compare and contrast. Yeah.

So your question was, you're really good at neuroscience, you're really good at opera. Which career path would that be? Wait, sing opera real quick? Really? Yeah. You wrote it, so you kind of have to sing it. I'm done.

I'm done. Wow! I'm done! I mean... Neuroscience, right? Neuroscience. That was... Wow. I don't know what opera's supposed to sound like, but that was gay, right?

Yeah, that was like... We like Blink-182. Yeah, you'd be like, All the small things. Yeah, can you do like, Voices are supposed to sound like, sweetheart. Tom DeLonge. Sorry, that kind of pissed me off. It made me cry, and I wasn't ready for that.

That was incredible. Thank you for that. I've never been that close to an opera singer before. Yeah, wow. Thank you for that. I've never been that close to an opera singer before. Will you kiss the microphone again? So what's the career path with opera? How does that work? I'm

not sure. I think I kind of just go to an opera company and audition and then just go from role to role. It's a very unstable career. You kind of don't know where it's coming. But people have told me that I can do it. Well, you're lovely, but it's an unstable career.

It's a niche market. You diss! And it's a language no one understood. Jesus Christ. Even though they were joking, most of the country is uncultured rubes that'll be like, what? And everybody has a brain,

so go with neuroscience. No. And then while you're operating or whatever the fuck, sing some of that shit. It'll give them something to live for. There you go. Stop making things better for people.

No, I hate that advice. You hate that advice? How many people told you not to do stand-up? How many people told you that was not a viable career option? Yeah, there aren't too many TV networks dedicated to opera. I miss network. Well, there are theaters dedicated to opera.

Yeah. You been to one? I know they exist. I don't know. I mean, look, no, he does make a valid point. I should tell you to go for your artistic dream, but I am saying you should do both. I mean, you don't have to do opera for a living.

Now you're making me feel like I should tell you to do opera. Drop out of school. Drop out of school. Drop out of school. How do you say that in Latin? Is it Latin or is it Italian? That was Italian. That was Italian.

It had Latin. Is it Latin or is it Italian? That was Italian. That was Italian. It was, it had Latin. You uncultured bigot. It had Latin nuance to it. Like the English language. Yeah, I don't know. You'd have to,

you know what I would say? Find somebody that does opera for a living and ask them. You know what I mean? Well, yeah. Can't you just like go on this path? like sort of you can take classes like neuroscience classes keep on practicing singing and then uh this sounds like step can you delay this decision any longer than you already have what can you delay making this decision any longer than you

already have um well i have to apply to the graduate schools for neuroscience now. Right now? Yeah. Today? I'm in the middle of it. Don't worry. Oh, fuck. But then, like, if I don't have an actual opera career, then people won't want to hire me because I haven't been singing. Why don't you just apply to graduate school and then see if you get in? And if you do, then you can go. And if you don't, then you become an opera singer.

The classic opera fallback plan. But I wasn't sure. If I'm not a doctor, then you can go. And if you don't, then you become an opera singer. The classic opera fallback. If I'm not a doctor, I'll just go into the opera. Toporati, 1963. Yeah, just find a fat Italian eating a sandwich with 18 different meats in it and be like, how did you do it?

Well, I studied neuroscience and it didn't work out. And now I'm a famous opera singer. That's all you guys need. You're amazing. Thank you. Holy shit. Lose the TV show.

Oh, thank you. There's going to be a lot of opera on the show. So I hope we helped you out and we probably didn't. No, I think it was actually helpful. But if nothing else, you sang so lovely and everybody cheered real hard. I think there's an opera scout here. Yeah. Oh, shit.

Thank you so much. Thank you very much. Her dilemma kind of sounds like the plot of an opera. That story. Yeah. Yeah, that's cool. Like a modern opera? You should write your own opera.

Or like this patient is brain dead and then she starts singing sadly and the electricity starts getting into her passageways. Keep singing! Keep singing! No, it's working. That would be the first time opera woke someone up. Oh!

Served! Take that, opera! Served! Service! served take that opera served service yeah do you tip 20% on that service Jesus

I love opera it's lovely I don't love opera I love the hitman level where you go behind the opera the what fuck you I thought

I thought these were my people BJ loves it yeah BJ's into it. Thanks, buddy. Don't let my glasses fool you. I know nothing about video games. Yeah. I'm into fantasy football.

Are you? Fancy football? Yeah, fancy football. It's like butlers playing football. Butler University, specifically. You ever see Tom Brady attend an event? Yeah. That's like fancy football That's where I get off like the Met Ball

You literally found the only type of fantasy That isn't represented here You know what I like Following sports Fucking beat it this is our time You kicked everyone out of this room Single handedly Not these people you

Should we keep going should we take a break What do you want to do I don't know man shit You want to talk about your show everyone out of this room single-handedly. Not these people, you. Should we keep going? Should we take a break? What do you want to do? I don't know, man. Shit. You want to talk about your show? BJ wants me to. BJ's your agent, right? BJ is my agent. Well, yeah, it's going to be on after Conan

four nights a week at midnight on TBS. It's called The Pete Holmes Show. It's going to have a lot of stuff that I think you guys might like already, like the Batman videos that we've done with College Humor will be represented on the show. Yeah, thank you so much. And we'll be doing other, you know, not just a panoramic comic book stuff, but we just shot a series of nine X-Men sketches, which is very exciting. And other stuff that, if you're

familiar with my podcast, we'll kind of have that. Yeah, okay. Thank you. Yeah, that's very nice. Thank you. It'll have a very similar sensibility to the podcast. Nobody coming on the show is promoting anything. It's not really about plugging a movie. It's about friends joking around. Yeah, I hate plugs.

I fucking hate when people just start plugging their shit. It's not about that. This is a fucking free-flowing conversation. We don't have to talk about shit. Anyway, when is it on? Midnight? When is it on? When is it on? TBS? When is it on? TBS at midnight? That is so funny.

I'm being honest. That was like her opera singing of comedy. That was like virtuoso. I didn't even realize I was plugging while I was talking about how I don't like plugging. But yeah, that's basically the show. And the monologue isn't really going to be pulled from the headline set-up punch

that we're kind of used to. It's going to be more in line like my stand-up. So I hope people like it. PeteHolmes.com for more info. Yeah, that's it. Thank you. Would you say this is your dream job? Did I?

Would you? Have I? Can you? 35 minutes later. Din? Mew? Kern? Din?

Of course it's a dream job. I've always wanted to have a show and just a home for all the different things that I do, and this is a perfect fit. And, you know, I used to kind of keep it to myself because it was so preposterous of a dream to say I want to have a late-night show. But there are people, professors of mine in college, that called me and were like, this is a thing we talked about in college, and here it is happening. So it is really surreal and wonderful.

I'm very grateful. Is the logo your handwriting? It is my handwriting, yeah. That's the kind of budget we're working with. We need a logo. There you go. Now take a photo of me fucking the sky. And we got it. That was what we asked for.

That was your pitch. That was my elevator pitch. I'll write my name and I have sex with air. Put me on after Conan! And they did it. Sir, sir, put down the gun. We'll put you on after Conan. We will put you on after Conan.

All right, let's get to two more questions from the audience. Hell yeah, let's do it. Michael F. talking about staples. Are you up in here? Michael F.? There he is. Right over there. Come on stage do it. Michael F. talking about staples. Are you up in here, Michael F.? There he is. Right over there. Come on stage, everybody. Michael F.

Oh, Michael F. doing what he do. Do you want me to read this one, or do you want to read it? I'll have you read it. There you go. Good call. Great call. Leave. Move your lips so it sounds like you're doing it.

Yeah, lip syncing. So I currently work at a Staples as a computer technician. And just recently, the position for lead tech supervisor just opened up. Now, my best friend of maybe 10 years lives, breathes, and maybe even eats Staples. That's how obsessed he is. He has been working the hardest he's ever worked for something trying to get the promotion. The other day, my manager comes

up to me and offers me the job. I can give two excuse my language motherfucking shits about that place. I don't even try. Should I scumbag him over considering I actually need the money to put myself through school

Or should I give it up and give it to my friend That's a good one Noble Very noble that you're even considering it Even if he doesn't do it It's noble for you to even ask us about it Is your friend here right now? He's not

Damn it, this would have been really easy I'm going to say before we get to the advice, I think it's probably a bad idea to cross a man who gives a fuck about staples. This man will destroy you and categorize your remains in a very clean and easy to find way with food and snacks by the register. I just, you don't want to cross him. Yeah, he's going to hide your body

and say, that was easy. No! I was waiting for mine. I was sitting on that. Oh, okay. Sorry about that. You just... Why did the manager choose you?

Is your guy, like, so obsessed that he's annoying? He's like, I don't want to promote this asshole. He gives two... Is it like a Dwight Schrute kind of situation? I wouldn't say so. He's a good tech,'t want to promote this asshole. Is it like a Dwight Schrute kind of situation? I wouldn't say so. He's a good tech, but I guess I'm better. So, okay, well, here's the reality. You need the money.

It's not your decision, and they came to you. Right. If you pass up the promotion, do they automatically choose him? You don't know that. I would say so. I would say they would give him the position. But you don't know that. You could ask.

You could play dumb, buddy. Will you give it to the lunatic who keeps reorganizing the post-its? Yes. Just eating staples? Yeah. Zakenya. I'm just thinking Lion King style. Do it.

Take the money. Take the money. Does anyone think you shouldn't take the money? Losers. Fred Chip's more valuable no you're saying you should take the money yeah okay so the one person that raised their hand thought like misheard the question right yeah who thinks he should give it to his friend ten years not long How long have you been friends? Ten years. Not long enough. Not a lot of hands. Real friend will get over it.

A real friend would get over it, says Professor Xavier Charles. I think he knows everything. That was beautiful. Be honest, how much do you like him? I mean, no homo, but a lot No homo, but a lot A smidge of homo? Maybe, yeah

Desert island alone for six months, no rescue coming You gonna sneak it in there just for warmth? Yeah, you are That's what you tell yourselves that it's for Day two For warmth, I don't know. I don't think rescue's coming. It's a tropical island. I'm not very cold, but...

This is Disneyland. Oh, okay. You know what I would say? Because you don't give a fuck, and because it does seem like something you could do somewhere else, maybe you do give it to your friend and just get another job. Okay. I agree. Boom!

I say it's not your decision to take the job. Okay. I agree. Boom! I say it's not your decision to take the job or not. That's the manager's obligation. He gave it to you. To say no would be slapping a superior in the face. You would be a bad employee not to take the promotion.

So take it. Don't break it. It took your mother nine months to make it. Don't break it. It took your mother nine months to make it. I'm with Amir. Take it. You know what I don't think you guys are doing? Which is what I did to consider my answer. I'm picturing my best friend at my job.

Oh, I did not do that. I'm being real. As far as when I was looking at it, it's just like faceless gray computer people. I was like, yeah, fuck them. I need the money and they offered it to me. But when I picture my sweet, wonderful best friend, you gotta be like... See, what I'm doing here is I'm making him my best friend.

And I want him to have a good job and I want him to make the money. And I would tell you the same thing. Make new friends, but keep the old one and silver the other's gold. Holy shit, did you just make that up? No. That's fucking right. But at the same time, if you take it, that's gold. Holy shit, did you just make that up? No. That's fucking right. But at the same time, if you take it, that's fine.

Just use your money to buy a new friend. Like an iPad. How much of a pay rise are we looking at? Like double of what I make right now. Like double? Take the money. Money is so good, dude. Are you shitting me? Do you realize you can't buy shit with friendship?

Right, money, like... You can't buy shit with money, dude. You can't get an iPhone 5S with fucking friendship. No way, it's because of money. You need money. The other thing, though, you take it, you don't give a fuck about the company, and they want you to be like your friend,

and you're not, so now you got more money for what, fucking churros to eat alone? I'm sticking with my original answer. The last thing you want to do is wrong staples. I agree, actually. That megacorp is very shady. They will kill you.

They're a shitty company? Well, I can't really say. They did it. There may be people here. I don't know how to people listen to say. They did. There may be, you know, people here. Yeah, I don't want a lot of people listening. They have spies everywhere. They did this on season one of The Office

where they offered Tim the promotion and he gave it to Gareth. That's beautiful. I did quote the original Office. I thought I was in a safe place. There's no answer to this question. I need to meet this guy. If I don't like his face, I'm going to say take him away.

That's why he asked us. You need unbiased advice. I don't know your friend. I'm telling you, you know him. You're stuck in that situation. Gun to your head. What do you choose? Oh, Jesus Christ. Actually, I have a gun. Mark, bring your weapon up here.

You know, listen to your heart. I guess. You would take it? I mean... You'd take the job? Well, see, now you're making this hard for me. I thought you guys would help me out. No, I see you.

First of all, you might be a better employee. You might be well-suited for it. What if you're a better... What if you're going to be a better lead technician than this guy? Yeah, you've got to think about staples here. About the company. You got to think about education.

Education. Oh yeah, fuck yeah, you're right, man. You got to think about your education. This is where it comes. Yeah, you need that money for college.

Fuck your friend, whatever his name is. You know what? Go put yourself through college, get a really good job, start a company, hire your friend.

This is so frightening start your own staples actually, I would love to invest in your education myself I would love that alright, cool I'll double your salary, I'll quit your job tomorrow kill your friend what are we talking about?

I had a stroke should this guy get a dog or not? it's a hard one. It's a hard one. Alright, we tried. You got two go with your jobs and one stick with your wife. Simpsons.

Yeah. I just don't want to go into a Staples in 50 years and see an old man like, why are you still working here? He's like, well, I used to have a friend. Now I have staples. Shut up. Just tell me where the toner is, man.

I don't know. I'm confused by the future. What's toner? Why are you wearing Google glasses? Those were never in style. Those are so retro. Let me fly away. He just hits the ceiling.

Oh, right. Ceilings still exist. I love you, familiar ceiling. Well, we got some sadness out of it. We had some laughs. We learned stuff. I'm mildly aroused, and thanks for playing. Thank you very much.

We're almost out of time, but we can get through one last question. One last question. How are you feeling about that, Pete? OLQ, baby. Let's do it. One last Q. Scott M. in the house About hooking up

With two different Or three different babes There he is My dude Player This guy's a player He's a player He's a cosplayer

Yeah he can read it Scott He's gonna read it Confident group Here at Comic Con Whoa shit Ben Franklin just went Over there to blow him.

We're all under the table on all fours. Alright, get as close as you can to the microphone because we want our listeners at home to be able to hear. I'm gonna hope none of them are listening to this because that would be worse. This is probably also one of the douchiest things I've ever asked. In the past week I met, went out with

or hooked up with three different girls and I don't... Can I stop you there? Nice. No question, I don't need advice, I just wanted to call you and say that to everybody. And yeah, pretty much I know if I mess this up, I'm going to be in a dry spell for like six or seven months, so what should I do to avoid that? Nobody goes from three chicks to dry spell.

That attitude's hurting you. Why do you think you're going to go into a dry spell? It's happened before. You don't go from three to dry. Your dry spell is fucking two girls instead of three. My life is a dry spell, sir. Look at me. People don't know who I

am. You're handsome without glasses. You don't realize how difficult that is for someone like me? Without this crutch on my face? I'm ugly without them. I'm bone ugly. Amir says this to himself in the morning every day. When you've had dry spells in the

past, the week before those dry spells, how many people did you fuck? No, it always turns out that I meet a couple girls at the same time, and then I try to pick one, and then I mess up, and then I meet none for a while. Feast or famine. Are you on Tinder? Yes.

Dope. Should I check if I have any matches right now? Yeah, go for it, man. You're never going to have a dry season. No dry spell. You're in monsoon season now. This is a wet season. This is goddamn Thailand. It's raining pussy juice on you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Pete, don't say raining pussy juice. I'm raining... I can't do you. You say it and I'll try and sound like you. It's raining pussy juice. It's raining pussy juice. I'm Jake and I'm try and sound like you. It's raining pussy juice. It's raining pussy juice. I'm Jake and I'm good looking.

I'm Pete. You son of a bitch. Once I'm drunk with power, I will destroy you. Here's what you do. Fucking relax. Keep, you know, enjoying your plenty. And then when one of the options strikes a chord in your heart, you go, hey, you and me, sugarplum.

Don't say it like that. Then you throw a coin in a wishing well, and you have some children, and then one day you tell those kids, your daddy got it wet with three different women one week. And then you have some good lore to tell them. But I think it's

a confidence issue. You need to relax. Everybody's going to be really excited. You came up here tonight. I bet there's lots of people in here that would sleep with you. I know that guy

is up for anything. So relax. How old are you? 24. 24? Oh, then shit shit you're running out of time Fucking he was boning 10 years ago 24 Playing Candyland in his underwear

With a fucking weirdo girl You I'm just so uncomfortable It's like I did it to your sister You're so upset So yeah, relax. He's into it and enjoy it. How do you still have a confidence issue

after hooking up with three girls in a week and a half? That doesn't work. Are these girls super, super low self-esteemers? Oh no, it's just fun. It's fun to... I know what you're doing right now. You like it. You're like, shit man, I'm having so many problems.

Which one of these girls do I like? My life's hard. No, it's not. We're having the best time ever. You're like Heisenberg. You didn't do it for your family. You did it for yourself. Enjoy it.

Use Tinder. Yeah. Also, for all you know, each of those girls is having sex with three other guys as well. So you might have a nice little constellation, as we call it in the polyamory community. Thanks for coming to Sex Nerd Sandra.

I've been Sandra. And you've been Jake. And you've been Amir. And you've got to wrap this up. Sex with Sandra, everybody. Sex with Sandra? Is that what you said? This has been the Savage Lovecast.

Thanks for joining us. Why are you still here? Go fuck something. He just dives off stage into a pussy. And then it carries him away. Far, far away. To a place none of us can go, but we all want to. Well, you can go there. Jake's like, far away. Wow. To a place none of us can go, but we all want to.

Well, you can go there. All right. See you there, buddy. Jake's like, only three? You are in a dry spell. That is our time. Thank you so much for you guys for coming. Thank you, guys. And thank you, Pete Holmes. Yeah, Pete Holmes.

Thank you for having me, and thank you guys for playing Pete Holmes thank you for having me and thank you guys for playing along and please watch the Pete Holmes show you can watch the Pete Holmes show starting October 28th

at midnight and you can listen to our podcast every Monday at whenever the hell you want because it's a podcast so that's sort of

how it works thanks so much everybody bye everybody have a good Comic-Con.