Segments - 270: Nipples

Episode Date: April 17, 2017

In this episode we discuss cats, threesomes, and terrible TV Etiquette. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. you say you're having some trouble with girls they keep getting away you cry every night so you email these jew Jews just to see what they say. You do you. The gay boy will come on and oh, to find an email. And did you know that one of these Jews wipes before he poos because it saves time. Seize their cheats.

YouTube their shit. And they'll teach you to get down with it. On a five-minute podcast show. If you're looking for your Romeo. That's awesome, dude. When things get rude. Jake's mum better put the podcast on low And one thing Can you just tell me

How did Jake lose his beep Because I really want to know Da da da da da Da da da da da Da da da da da Da da da da da Ha! Ha! I can't do that. Another day, another Hamilton parody. Yo, an embarrassment of riches.

That one is from Tom Holt, who it's a parody of that song. What is it? King George's song, right? You'll Be Back. You'll Be Back. He says, You'll be back. There's a terrible cut to the end, but my editing skills are that of a 90-year-old man on a typewriter.

Also, the quality is shite. Well, we liked it. That's not true. We liked it, Tom Holt. We loved it. We loved it a lot. There's a kitten in the studio, a cat. Now he's trying to get out.

I don't know what he's doing here. Is it a he or she, though? I don't know. I thought you said it was a woman, a female cat. I believe. I didn't get quite a good enough look at his or her anus. Yeah. I looked up how to find the sex of a cat.

Uh-huh. And it's all about where. Look, look. She or he is doing this cute thing where it's sort of like... She's scratching. Yeah, she wants out. Pawing at the glass door.

I mean, I guess we gotta just leave the door open because the cat's... Because before it was pawing to get in. Yeah. All right, I'm gonna excuse myself just for one moment. Yeah. And then I'll tell you more about

how to find the sex of your cat. All right. The backstory is we work in a place with many offices and I guess this cat belongs to nobody. It's been here for a while, and sometimes it came to visit us, and sometimes it disappeared. But for whatever reason, it wants to come back in. For whatever reason, this cat, we have to get a cat door. This cat hasn't let, or this cat came here and spent all day with us yesterday.

Yeah. We took it out before we closed the office. We opened it again, right back in. Right back in. And then I get to the studio portion of our office and the cat is fast asleep on the chair. Well, that's her chair or his chair. So here's the way it works. You, their, their urinary opening, their urethra, it's about the distance from the anus.

On a woman, their vagina is a small slit right below the anus. And on a male cat, their urethra is a small hole about an inch and a half away from the anus. You're telling me that a male cat does not have a dick? It does, but it's inside of its fur. It comes out when it needs it. But it looks... It's a retractable little dick. Yeah, it looks like a hole,

just like the vagina looks like a small hole below the anus. That's funny, because the way my dick works is relatively similar. So I have a little slit next to my anus, and that's my dick. So it's not relatively similar. You're a cat. Yeah, but when I need it, it jets out a little bit. You also have a tail. Yeah, I have a...

Oh, sorry, a little tail. Cat attacks you. You can't even play make the noises. It's a black cat, just jet black with green eyes. A beautiful cat. We still haven't given it a name. I suggested Gumby. Yeah, but it didn't stick. What?

That's on you. You're saying the cat didn't like it. I'm not gonna reject any name, but I accepted Gumby. But it hasn't stuck. I never had a cat growing up, but I got to tell you, they're kind of growing on me how little attention you need to give them. Low maintenance.

I'd say it's closer to a cactus than a dog. Definitely. Yeah. It's more of a succulent than a pet. Yeah. It goes cactus, one level of responsibility. Cat, three. Dog, nine.

Totally. Yeah. And there are some houseplants that are more demanding, dog nine. Totally. Yeah. And like, there are some houseplants that are more demanding than this cat. Right. We put a plate of tuna out in the morning and she hasn't even finished it. So you don't... I feel like if I didn't walk into the studio, she'd sleep in this chair for years. I'm wondering, she hasn't yet to use the bathroom.

Yeah. And I don't know what the plan is there. Yeah, and the way it works usually is there's a litter, right? Yeah. You just have like a box of sand that it'll piss and shit in. Yeah, well, when I was growing up, all of our cats were outdoor cats. So they would just sort of claw at the door. And you said they would leave and come back, and sometimes they would leave and you wouldn't ever see them again.

Sometimes we wouldn't see them again. And there was one or two times there was one of our cats whose name also didn't stick so we called her Black Kitty. So low maintenance. I've cared more for video games than that. But she was gone for several months. We thought she was dead and then she came back. Were you happy to see her or was it sort of a non-plussed casual situation?

It was a little scary because she came back and she was so mangy and sad and we were like, where have you been? What happened? And we nursed her back to health and then she died. And what I heard is that a lot of so mangy and sad and we were like where where have you been what's happened and uh and we nursed her back to health and then she died and what i heard is that a lot of cats go they run away to die oh really yeah so i think that's what she was doing she like ran away to die but somehow lived a lot longer than she thought survived came back you just feed you leave a bowl of food out leave a bowl of shit and piss and it'll take itself. Yeah, there's just cat food out all the time. All right, I'm sold. I'll adopt this cat. Awesome. I think we should. Well, I want

to order litter and stuff for the office and some cat food. Won't it scratch? Can we leave it here for the entire weekend? I think so. Won't it scratch the furniture? Maybe. And that's fine. With me. We could get maybe a little cat scratch post. Now we're becoming a cat family. I'm going to go on Amazon and really load up on some cat shit. What's the thing with the spider on a string? Oh, yeah. What's that?

I don't know what it's called, but I know what you're talking about. But I just tried to entertain her with a little string and she was not impressed. Cat jingly ball toy. What's it called? It has a name, doesn't it? I just thought it wasingly ball toy. What's it called? It has a name, doesn't it?

I just thought it was the cat toy. I didn't know. Oh, fuck. This is going to bother me. Talk about something while I look this up. Alright, so the cat anus, the reason I couldn't find the other hole on the anus is... Catnip. Oh, catnip is a food thing. Is it? I thought it was

the toy. What is catnip? I thought catnip is a food thing. Is it? I thought it was the toy. What is catnip? I thought catnip is a food that cats eat. Oh, this looks like it's a plant. And it like makes them crazy. Yeah, well, what is it? It's an herb? I think they eat it and it's like a cat getting stoned or like being on meth. Oh, interesting.

Yeah, I got high off that once. Once, once. Just once. Alright, what is this? This is not a cat show. This is an advice podcast. Hello! The only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. You know when I

introduce myself to people, I have to say, I'm Amir. I can't just say, hi, Amir. Yeah. Because they think I'm Amir. I'm Jake. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. You know, when I introduce myself to people, I have to say, I'm Amir. I can't just say, hi, Amir. Yeah. Because they think I'm saying, hi, I'm ear. Oh, interesting. But when I say, hi, I'm Amir, they all hear it correctly. I'm Amir. That's just a little tip. The advice on the show is a little more universal than that, but that's just a little tip for anybody with my name. Whose name? Yeah. Sounds like, your name sounds like I'm here and a mirror. Yeah. And for a long time, my aunt and uncle are like, could not find my show because they were searching Jake and a mirror. Oh, interesting.

You would think it would autocorrect to the actual show. Yeah. I bet they weren't looking that hard. I should call them out. Auntie? Is that you and the kitty auntie? Come here, kitty. Come here. Gumby? He doesn't care.

I think it's a girl. She's very furry, so that's the reason I couldn't see where her second hole is. Where the pussy's pussy is. Where the pussy's pussy is. Alright, that's... You know cats are called pussies sometimes.

So it'd be like, that's a pussy cat. Yeah. Oh, you can call her puss. Oh, that's funny. Or what about little pussy cat? What about a stinky little pussy cat? I don't want to call her stinky. Yeah. And the pussy's offensive too. Sure. And cat's a little obvious. So all three of those are out. All right. How about stinky little pussy cat?

I like that one. You just have a really short term memory. All right. You sent me some questions, right? Yes. And you think these are good ones? I haven't even read them yet. I found them to be quite primo. Okay. And then I found one that I wanted to answer. But we can get to that one later. For now, we'll start with this person who we'll call... Ooh, famous cat names. Ooh. Well, Dr. Seuss isn't a famous fucking cat.

What's the cat in the hat's name? I think it's just the cat in the hat. Okay. What's... Garfield. Garfield, yeah. Garfield is good. Hey guys, my name is Garfield. My best friend is dating a really hot girl. Now, they have this great relationship, and I don't want to ruin that, but she is really hot. I've brought up the idea of a threesome to both of them a few times, at least ten times each,

and my best friend is absolutely against it, but the girl could go either way. Here's the thing. I don't actually care about the sex, though I am a virgin. It's just that he's black, she's white, and I'm white. And I think the aesthetics of this threesome would be absolutely divine, like some yin-yang type shit. So I guess my question is, how can I convince my friend to go along with this threesome?

I've told him that I don't need to stick my dick in her vagina or anything, but he's still against it. Any tips? Signed, Garfield. Huh. What do you think? Garfield makes an interesting point. That a threesome should be about the color palette.

Yeah. Rather than attraction. Him and her together is not yin-yang shit. That's just black and white. It really has to be two whites and a black person. Him and her together is not yin-yang shit. That's just black and white. It really has to be two whites and a black person. Well, two whites and two blacks to make it a full yin-yang. Yeah, but he doesn't want that.

He just wants the yin-yang that's sort of skewed in his direction. He's also a virgin, but that's unrelated. He also doesn't want to have sex with this person. He just wants it to be a threesome. So he'll actually still be a virgin after the threesome. So what do you think is an ideal world for him? I think, well, I guess I personally feel like he has to stop asking. Yeah.

I would, uh, this, yeah. Okay. He said he's asked 10 times each. I would gather that would get annoying. So it's, I mean, he's basically heard no 20 times. He won't take it for an answer. The girl could go either way, or she's just sort of being polite to you because you're her boyfriend's best friend. Yeah, the meanest girlfriend can be to her boyfriend's friends is saying probably.

It's up to Jerry. Yeah, all right, well, if it's up to you, dude, let's fucking do it. I mean, I think it would be some yin-yang type shit. That's probably why he's saying no. Can I convince him? Didn't Dave do this to you once? Yeah.

Did I tell this story already, though? I think so. You came home, and Dave was mad that you wouldn't have a threesome with him? Yeah. I brought somebody home, and I went to the bathroom, and I walked by Dave's room. And Dave mimed fucking to me. And he points to him and to me, and he was nodding. I was like, what are you talking about?

It was like threesome. And I was just so taken aback. Like you had brought home five slices of pizza. He was like, and I was just so taken aback. Like you had brought home five slices of pizza. He was like, and I was like, no. I was surprised that he was even like really felt like he needed an answer. Like it seemed just like a shut up dude type thing. And I was like, no, of course not. Yeah.

Why not? What is wrong with you? You're a fucking loser, dude. The weird thing is that he was just as offended as you were. Yeah. He was just like, how could we not do this? I mean, first

and foremost, I'm not the sole, I don't solely make the decision. Yeah, Threesome has to be unanimous. I have so much to lose by broaching that. I'm already good. It's funny to imagine if the situation were switched, how a girl brings home a guy and a girl's like, can we both fuck this guy?

The guy would be like, what are you doing? Say yes. But there's no situation where a girl would be like, what are you doing? Say yes to the guy. Well, there was. This happened the reverse with Dave. What? Where he brought somebody home who did want to have a threesome with us.

Whoa. Oh, wait. A girl wanted to have a threesome with you and Dave. But Dave brought her home. Got it. And not like a girl brought Dave home and she's like, can me and my roommate fuck you? No, no. It was like, can I have sex with you and Jake?

Yeah. God. Can I fuck Jake too? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Dave, and she was the one asking and Dave wouldn't let it happen. Wow. Yeah. A hypocrite.

I know. Did that happen later? Yeah, it was afterwards. And I still give him shit about it. Would you have done it? Of course. Of course. Of course. Of jorts.

Of jorts. I wouldn't have fucking hesitated. You'd want to have sex with somebody and Dave? Yeah, that's a fun bonding experience. Yeah. And she was black, so it would have been this whole yin-yang type shit. My question is... The most important kind of sex you could have.

How can I convince my friend to go along with a threesome? I don't think you can convince him of anything. If anything, you have to, I guess, bribe him. I mean, at a certain point, he'll only cave for cash. Yeah. Well, everybody will cave for cash. That is the tattoo that you have on your... That's a chest piece that you have.

It's called cave for cash. And you, ironically, did not pay the tattoo artist. No, I didn't K4 Cash. I told him that I don't need to stick my dick in her vagina, but he's still against it. Yeah, of course he's against it. He gets to have sex with his girlfriend, and he only has things to lose from this situation.

I disagree with everything that this guy's about, and I don't think that he should press this any further, but I do have advice if he's not going to relent. Okay. I feel like you could ask, your new quest could be that you want to watch them have sex. Because a couple, I think, can convince themselves that that's hot. I definitely, as a couple before, like thought that was sexy.

That is something I've never even thought of. Watching your friends have sex? No, having sex to an audience. You've never done that? Yeah, never. People watching. Never. Does it turn you on a little bit? that why you're i'm intrigued i don't know if it's hot or cold i imagine it would be too like sex is already

there's so many like unspoken communication happening and like slight like you know nervous things going on just between the two people having sex let alone like thinking about what other people are thinking or doing. I mean, it's a different kind of fucking, but yeah, totally. What you've had sex in front of a live studio audience.

Um, yeah, there was like that special episode of full house. Yeah. And you ended up opening for them. That's right. Getting me and Kimmy Gibbler, both blue Bob Saget.

No, wait, that was a dream you had. Oh, shit. It's still happening. You've had sex in front of an audience? Yes. Okay.

Next question comes from someone we'll call Heathcliff. Heathcliff, I think, is the best TV theme song ever. So if you guys are curious. Heathcliff, Heathcliff, no one should terrorize the neighborhood. Yeah, exactly. But it goes on for about a minute and a half. Yeah, it's really good. So Heathcliff writes, my best friend.

It's better than Scooby-Doo. Scooby, Scooby-Doo, where are you? I got some work to do now. Yeah, that's a pretty good one. I miss theme songs. They don't have it anymore. When we have a TV show one day, we should have a really nice one. I miss theme songs. They don't have it anymore. When we have a TV show one day, we should have a really nice, minute-long theme song.

Yeah, that explains. It should be a premise theme song, like Gilligan's Island. All right. Heathcliff writes, I'll just jump right into it. My girlfriend has the worst TV etiquette I've ever experienced. We've been dating for five months, and I really didn't notice anything until two months ago, since we'd mostly go out and do things when we went back to my place.

There wasn't a lot of TV watching going on, if you know what I'm saying. A little details, I'm 25, working full-time. She's 22, finishing up college. So back to the topic at hand. She won't stop talking when I'm watching a show or sports or anything, really. It's just nonstop questions and jokes, and even worse, the jokes are usually terrible. When I've tried to ring it up, she just pouts and says, sorry for trying to talk to you, but she doesn't change what she's doing. What's even more frustrating is that when it's one of

her shows on, she talks and asks me questions, and God forbid if I'm not paying attention to The Bachelor, she gets mad. Recently, she mentioned that her lease is up at the end of May, and I think she's hinting at the fact that we move in together. Outside of this one issue, I adore this girl, and she makes me really happy. I'd really hate for something this trivial to ruin what's otherwise a really great relationship, but it's starting to get at me. Any advice you can get to get past this situation would be pretty ace. Thanks, Heathcliff. I just love this question because I've been here before. Yeah, it's a very specific problem is the TV or movie

watching etiquette. Have you suffered this? No, not specifically. I wouldn't say I've been with someone who was annoying to me when watching TV. And when you're watching TV, are you a talker, a chatter? I'll make the occasional joke if someone looks stupid. Of course. I'm not going to ask questions throughout. I remember when I was growing up, I would always ask my brothers

why a show went to commercial break. I'm like, why was there a commercial there? And they'd be like, well, there's like a conflict and they haven't resolved it yet. I'm like, oh, okay, interesting, interesting. So you didn't know that there was a conflict? And then why was there a commercial there?

But why was it for Huggies? I don't get the ad. Wait, you've experienced what this guy's experiencing? Yeah. Which is what? A girlfriend who talks throughout a show. And I like to be silent. Bone silent.

When I miss even a word, this is why it's tough for me to watch TV with people, because I like to rewind. Wow. I really don't like to miss anything. Rewinder. Yeah. That's like the other side of it, like paying rewind. Wow. I really don't like to miss anything. Rewinder. Yeah. That's like the other side of it, like paying too close attention. Yeah, I mean, to me,

I bet I annoy people because I'll rewind maybe 40, 50 times as during, you know, the first half of a 15-minute short. So then the first seven and a half minutes of a YouTube video. I've rewatched it and a half minutes of a YouTube video. I've re-watched it from the beginning close to a thousand times. I probably,

in an hour-long show, I probably rewind two to three times. Wow, that's pretty big. It's not like, yeah, but it's just like the ten-second skip back. What are your thoughts on closed captioning as a form of understanding a show more? I don't love it, but I don't hate it.

Interesting. If somebody needs to have it, I'm like, like when I go home, my dad really likes to have it because he can't hear as well. Yeah. I'm like, totally cool with that. Yeah. What about you? Yeah, I also don't mind it. I was like, oh, I guess it does help me because invariably you won't understand something.

Right. But then I do, then I feel like I'm missing visual stuff. There are certain shows that I would not like it on. Yeah. Like Real Housewives of Orange County probably needs it, but Real Housewives of Atlanta you could probably get by without it. Right, right. Well, you know Danny, she said the funniest thing.

She was like, cash me outside. Yeah. Yeah, how about that? And then there was Leanna. Yeah. Do you remember what Leanna said? I'm not here to make friends. Yeah. How was like, cash me outside. Yeah. Yeah, how about that? And then there was Liana. Yeah. Do you remember what Liana said? I'm not here to make friends. Yeah.

How about that? But then she was friends with Leandra. Right. And then she was like, cash me outside. And then she said, how about this? Yeah. I wonder if those are anybody's names in those shows. The question here is, what can he do about it?

I thought this guy was like, this guy doesn't like this girl at all. It surprises me to hear that he's so annoyed by her during TV. He's like, but otherwise, it's great. I love her. It's like you think if this thing annoys you, it's like the last straw. There's like a tiny little kernel in there, too, that you, like, and the worst part is her jokes aren't funny. Like, oh, wait a second. You her jokes aren't funny. Like, oh,

wait a second. You don't find her funny. You don't, that's a problem. But is that a huge problem if you're not a comedian? Like, a lot of people

just aren't funny. Yeah, that's true. Like, can you imagine living in a world where that just doesn't bother you?

It's like, oh, she's not funny, but neither am I. I do, there was, so we're both trying to just not funny

and that's fine. There are plenty of shows where like the, oh wait, maybe we even talked about this, but like Superman. Oh yeah. Clark Kent's like really hot. Yeah, but he's not funny. He's not funny. Yeah.

The Lois Lane doesn't really laugh. Yeah. Unless she's cracking her own jokes. Sure. But there's not like silliness inside their house. No. Just serious shit. Yeah.

But I think we, I think I might have brought that up. Anyway, this is what I do and did and solved this problem oh I know what it is what is it you watch the show without them beforehand

no I straight up if they start talking I pause oh wow oh yeah all the time in the world what do you

what do you have to say whatever and then like that's annoying enough to people who don't like to pause that they'll stop talking. Is that the definition of passive aggressive? Because you're just being passive about something that you really hate and then you hope that they get the hint?

But I don't – I mean I guess I think that's more – that's less passive aggressive to me and more like just – Passive. Yeah. Like I don't care. I mean I would – I guess like – Like Passive. Yeah. Like, I don't care. I mean, I would... Like, aggressive would be yelling. To me, it's like the lesser of two evils. Right.

Or the lesser of three evils. The most evil being talking during the show. The second most evil being, like, having a fight. Like, shut up! Shut it! Sorry, you're scaring the cat. And the third, the least evil is just pausing while we're talking. Right.

Because I don't want to miss anything. But we pause and talk, tell you you're blue in the face. But you're ready to pause every 30 seconds? I would rather do that than miss the show. Do you hope that she gets the hint? They always have. So they do. They're like, all right, I don't want to keep pausing the show.

But I've also never, I've only been with people who when I pause, they're like, oh, you don't like when people talk during TV. I'm like, I just don't like to miss stuff. And then it's fine. But I've never been with somebody where I'm like, hey, I want to listen to the show. And they're like, oh, sorry for trying to talk to you. Also, your jokes are never funny. I guess you should be sorry for trying to talk to you. Also, your jokes are never funny. I guess you should be sorry for trying to talk to you, to someone during the show.

Jeez Louise. All right, all right, all right. I say watch it beforehand. You say pause the show and hopefully they get the hind. Tight. All right, let's actually take a break right here. We'll come back. We'll answer more questions right after this with Jake and a cat.

Let us know what you think we should name him. Or her. Her or her. I'll take a picture of her anus or his anus, and you guys can let me know what you think. Awesome. Thank you, dude. We really got to thank some sponsors. All right.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions,

they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday?

Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting.

Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new.

It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a z and not where you think and it's not biz with a z so if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS

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now is your chance to make your voice heard folks take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do hey we're back um i was just saying it's funny how there's going to be moms named britney soon so it'd be like, hey, Britney, will you make me and Travis dinner tonight? Britney is a mother. Britney Spears is a mother. Yeah, exactly. But soon Britney's will have children old enough for like...

You'd be like, Britney is like such a millennial or young person name. Yeah, exactly. It's like, hey, Britney, can Tom come over? It's like, that doesn't seem like I'm talking to a 50-year-old yet. But it will be the case soon. Yeah, exactly. It's like, hey, Brittany, can Tom come over? That doesn't seem like I'm talking to a 50-year-old yet, but it will be the case. I guess that's kind of true. Have you ever thought about what you're going to name your kids? Definitely. I already got a good one. What is it?

Well, if it's a guy, Max or Noah. Max Blumenfeld or Noah Blumenfeld. And if it's a girl, let's run it again until it's a guy. Stinky pussy cat. What's new, stinky cat? Oh, puss.

We could call her Allie if it's a girl for Alvin, and then Alvin if it's a boy. That's good. Actually, Max can work as a lady's name too. Maxine. Yeah. Can Noah be a girl's name? I mean, I guess anything can be. Do you know what you're going to name your children Maxine. Yeah. Can Noah be a guy's, a girl's name? I mean, I guess anything can be. Do you know what you're going to name your children? Totally. They've got to be, oh,

you know what would be good for Hurwitz? And you kind of would like it because it's an all-American name. Pray tell. Henry. I did, legit, I wanted to name my kid, I guess Henry could be the long form, but I wanted to call him Hank. Yeah, Hank Hurwitz. Hank Hurwitz is great. But Hank is short for Henry, right?

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Henry Hurwitz. Henry Hurwitz. I like it. Alliterations are good. But I feel like if you're gonna,

if you, if you wanna just call your kid Hank, you might as well name it Hank. Like, I, my name is, I have been Jake my entire life, but I'm still, like, legally Jacob. Oh, you want it officially.

So it's, like, complicated a little bit. You want the legal name to be the nickname. Yeah, because then you don't have to, like, have two names. I have, like, my name on my cards is, like, Jacob Hurwitz and on my passport. And, like, some places, like, use my full name, Jacob. And then sometimes, I don't know. I run into a little bit of... Interesting.

Interesting. Okay. Let me float this by you. Please. Kill yourself. I don't want to do that. You're clearly not happy with where you are in life. I want to be dead.

You're not enjoying the lot you've been dealt. I'm happy. So fucking jump off the bridge. I'm sorry I have frustration. I don't want to be dead. All right. All dead. All right. All right. All right.

Never mind then. Bad suggestion. End of my life. Clearly. We're talking about how I want to have kids. You're not into it. Forget it. Let's move on.org.

I want to procreate. We're going to Denver and Tempe this week. That's what's up, baby. This episode comes out on a Monday. On Wednesday, we're in... On Wednesday, we're in Denver. Denver. On Thursday, we're in Tempe.

On 420, dude. Yeah, brother. Tempe's supposedly a very fun town. I don't know if I've ever been there for an extended period. I don't think you have because we did, there was a College Humor live show at the University of Phoenix, which I think is in, or University of Arizona or something, which is in Tempe. And you were not there. I did it with Pat Castles. University of Arizona or something, which is in Tempe. And you were not there. I did it with Pat Castles.

University of Arizona or Arizona State? I don't know. University of Arizona. One of them's in Tucson. Oh, yeah. University of Arizona is in Tucson. Arizona State's in Tempe. Got it.

Either way, it's going to be fun. Shows, tickets are still available at ifireyoushow.com. And then in a couple weeks, we're going to, we're doing our huge run, which is Atlanta, Georgia, Raleigh, North Carolina, D.C., then Philly and Brooklyn, which might be sold out by now. So grab your tickets as soon as possible. Tickets for all those shows at jakeandamir.com or ifiwereyoushow.com. Yep. This is our first ever podcast in Denver, Tempe. Atlanta.

Atlanta. I guess everywhere else we've sort of been. But even when we were in Raleigh, it was only for Duke students. Yeah. These are going to be first-time shows for hopefully everybody there. Come through. Come on down. That tour might hurt us, the Monday through Friday.

I mean, we're biting off more than we can chew. But I think it'll be fun. We'll just be fried. I feel like that's what, that's why this will be a fun tour to go to because we're going to get very wacky. Yeah,

we're going to get silly. Delirium is going to set in. That's good. Anything else you shouldn't mention before getting back to the questions? I feel like we got to,

I want to make people subscribe to our YouTube channel and how do we do that? We offer them cash incentives. And how do you offer a cash incentive when all you've got is a cat? You have to be inventive. So we're offering cat inventives.

That's right. For every subscription we get starting today, we'll invent a cat in your name and honor and set him free. Pretty neat. Pretty neat if you ask me. You're talking about HeadGum's YouTube channel. Yeah. YouTube.com slash HeadGum. YouTube.com slash HeadGum, where we are making videos.

Every Thursday. We saw a depressing stat today that we have way more men subscribed to the channel than women. Oh. So ladies. Why don't we only ask women to subscribe? Lady. Fine. Yeah, that's a good idea. And actually, dudes, why don't we only ask women to subscribe? Lady, fine. Yeah, that's a good idea. And actually, dudes, why don't you unsubscribe while we're here?

Oh, that way we can level the playing field a little bit. So if you're a dude that's subscribed, unsubscribe. And if you're a woman that hasn't subscribed, subscribe. Or why don't you just change your sex on your, like, Google, in your Google account. Or just change your gender in reality. That's even easier. Like, trans issues are actually pretty hot button right now. Yeah.

I heard that there was, like, a pretty big shit going on. There was? I was like, there was, like, a thing. And I was, like, floored to hear about it. I know. I can't believe it's an issue you know that we have like very very strict men and women bathroom laws here at head gum yeah i hope everybody knows that yeah we have a woman's bathroom and then the sink for the guys to take a shit in yeah yeah you do and i will and i often do how about catlin as a name for this cat. Huh? Catlin? How do you spell it?

C-A-T-L-I-N. Oh, that's pretty good. Catlin? It's almost like a typo of Caitlyn. Yeah, well, it was Catlin Stark is a character from Game of Thrones. Typo is a good name for a dog or a cat. Typo's pretty good. Oh, let's call her Typo.

Yeah, Typo. Hey, Typo. It's actually her blood type, too. Yeah. So it works out. My blood type is Typo. As in, it's actually her blood type too yeah so it works out my blood type is type o as in it's misspelled oh glitch is also kind of a cool name how's that glitch oh but i think i think you're supposed to name animals two syllables really i thought that i heard that animals only remember

one syllable well i heard that you always think i'm wrong about shit uh all right let's answer a few more questions we got two more to get to all right uh your last question is titled nipple insecurity it's from a female cat is there a female cat i once normal from garfield is a female right or i thought she was a female cat. Is there a female cat? I once... Nermal from Garfield is a female, right? Or I thought she was a female, but it's actually a guy. Oh, interesting. Nermal. Yeah.

That's a cat? Nermal the cat. It's like the gray cat that Garfield hated. I thought it was a female, but it's actually a male cat. Interesting. Yeah. Yeah. Or is it the opposite?

Nermal's gender. Yeah. Yeah. Fans have often mistaken him for a girl kitten because of his eyelashes and his seemingly effeminate personality and the tone of his voice. But Nermal is actually a male. Okay. So... What is a female cat? A bitch.

No. That's a female dog. Yeah. A female cat is a cunt. No, I... Isn't it? I'm asking what in pop culture... I see.

What cat is it? I see. What pop culture cat? I see. Yeah. I see. And you added yourself. Huh.

Okay, let's rack my brain here. A slanderous bigot. You rack what little brain is in your head. Let's call him normal either way, because I assumed it was a female cat all along. Okay, sure. Normal writes, the question is probably shallow, but it's been bothering me since my early teens. I have larger areolas than I think is normal for my boob size. I don't know if you guys understand bra sizes, but I'm only a B-cuff,

and I feel like my areolas would be more suitable for a D. I've never shown anyone my boobs, mostly down to my insecurity with my nips. I know it's not much I can do in this situation, but I might as well ask. Does this matter to guys? Is there something you care about? Are boobs just boobs?

I'm curious to what you two have to say. Thanks. Love you guys. Come back to Ireland. Aye. Aye. Nipples the size of potatoes. Arr.

Yeah. Canariola. Oh, no, areola. The size and circumference of a Killian's Irish red. Now, that's the ale difference. Nipples as long as a bagpipe. Irish red. Now that's the ale difference. Nipples as long as a bagpipe. Down at the Guinness factory, we used to eat areolas.

Yar. Killian's Irish red. Pater. Pater, he, da, da, da, da, da. So what is... I was thinking she needs to send me a photo of her breasts. Oh, come on. Grow up, dude.

Yep, I see the email you forwarded. Oh, I didn't mean to forward this response. Let's see your little saucers. Oh, my God. The teacups. Let's see if your B-cups are actually teacups. So here's just backtracking out of this enormous PR nightmare. It's a PR fright there. Has this ever, I don't think it's ever occurred to me.

I've noticed bigger nipples and smaller nipples. I've never paused to the point where it stopped me from doing anything about it. It feels like this is something that I, I didn't, I don't know if I ever cared about it, but it was like more of a discussion point when I was 13 to 16. And like that was, that was when it was probably bad news to have a body that was like drastically different than anybody. But as I've gotten older, it doesn't,

these things don't matter to me. I wouldn't, I don't think at all. You don't give a shit. No. So I think that, I don't know how old this person is, but if they're young,

then I say, don't worry, it's going to get easier as you get older and start dating more and more mature gentlemen. And if you're already mature, then I say, throw caution to the wind. Yeah, if this is your biggest issue, you are good to go.

Size of your nipple, that's very inconsequential. And not even size of the nipple, size of just the areola. Right, the actual nipple. I've seen nipples that are long, and I've seen nipples that are short. I've seen areolas that are big and small. But I've never paused to think, oh, that's not a good one. It's all good because it's all boobs. And boobs are exciting.

Is there anything that you are particular about? I don't specifically like, and this is just a personal thing. Do you know what I'm going to say? Flat butt? No, pierced nipples. Oh, we're just talking about just straight boob things yeah i was talking about nipple talk when i'm talking about just on a personal level i don't like the piercings i feel like it hurts me to touch i don't want to like touch it with my mouth i don't want to touch with my fingers i just don't i don't think it's particularly i'm not into that yeah it just

seems like it hurts like i see it i, I'm like, oh, God. It like gives me like nails on a chalkboard. I don't know if I had that severe of a reaction. There was a time when I was younger when I was like, I want my girlfriend to have pierced nipples. Did you want to touch it? I don't know. I guess. And do they get hot when it's in the sun?

I don't know. Maybe. I don't like it. It freaks me out? I don't know. Maybe. I don't like it. It freaks me out. I don't care. But the actual physical attributes of an areola or a nipple or whatever, you don't have to worry about that. I wouldn't say guys care about that.

Are boobs just boobs? I really do think most guys are so excited to be seeing boobs and touching boobs and playing with boobs that... We don't have boobs, so boobs are exciting to see. Yeah. Yeah, and evolutionary skill. boobs that we don't have boobs so boobs are exciting to see yeah yeah and on an evolutionary uh skill you know the reason we like boobs so much is because they're like bouncy and fucking crazy right no you're talking about like that's where we get fed so we know i'm saying like an evolutionary right from the earliest beginning of time.

Boobs were just like fucking crazy and like they're so hot. That's what I'm saying. No, right. I don't think... Evolutionarily. You are saying the word correctly. I'm not doubting you. We were swinging on trees.

We came down. We decided to walk across the golden grasses of Africa. We went from hunched over to standing upright and and we did this all uh and and we we relied on boobs being fucking dope the entire time it's pretty cool so when you see boobs and you're like oh i want to touch them like just know that your ancestors saw boobs and they were like i I want to fucking touch these.

You know? I don't even want to start. Like if I were to start correcting you, it would take. In what sense? I'd have to like start dissecting piece by piece to figure out what's wrong and then rebuilding. It would be a gut renovation of your entire sentence. Right. And psyche.

I don't have time to do that. We didn't swing on trees and then evolve from, you said from the water to the golden grass of africa four boobs i think our four our forefathers no yeah that's so much later forefathers is like the 1700s you're talking about like washington adams and our great ancestors okay they were they were apes. Yes. No. All right. Sure. Chimpanzee, basically. Monkey people. Yeah. We did evolve from a different... They left the tree. Okay.

Yeah. They left the tree. Sure. Just continue because I'm not entirely sure. Do you think that we evolved from lizards into monkeys and then... So they're monkeys. Okay. They come down from the trees.

Okay. Where are they? On the grass of Africa, you said? That's right. The golden grass. That's right. And that's in order to... What?

See and touch and feel boobs. That's right. Oh, brother. I don't know if that's right at all. But I do know one thing. Garfield loved lasagna. He really hated Mondays. He hated Mondays and he loved Italian dishes.

I wonder if his favorite part was the noodles, the sauce, or the ricotta cheese. He didn't actually dissect it. He didn't get very far into that. I'll tell you what my favorite part of lasagna is. Yeah. The meat. Actually, I like the cheese. He didn't actually dissect it. He didn't get very far into that. I'll tell you what my favorite part of lasagna is. Yeah. The meat. Actually, I like the noodle. The cheese is pretty good, too.

But it wouldn't be shit without the sauce. And the meat, that gives it that extra flavor. The noodle gives it that extra texture. The cheese, that's some extra flavor. And the sauce, don't forget about the texture and the flavor there. What's the best part of a lasagna? The fucking meat. The sauce. The cheese. And the noodle, don't forget about the texture and the flavor there. What's the best part of a lasagna? The fucking meat, the sauce, the cheese, and the noodle. The texture, the flavor, the temperature.

You gotta eat it hot. Or cold. Is it too many of the way? Or room. Best temperature for a lasagna? Would you say room? No. That's the worst.

I would say room. You want it to be Luke? You want it to be the same temperature as the air? I think the best temperature for a room is Luke. And I think the best temperature for Luke is room. So your friend Luke's... Luke room. Hi, I'm Luke room.

The worst temperature you can be and have and see and smell. I was named after the two worst temperatures. Oh, my Lord. All right, I'm glad we got to the end of this episode. I think we learned a lot. For sure. Thanks for finding those questions. Help us name this cat.

Help us name the cat. I like typo. Help us subscribe to HeadGum on YouTube. Thanks for everyone who's written in. Thanks for everyone who's written in. Thanks for everyone who's coming out to the shows. Thanks for everyone who submitted a theme song like Tom Holt in the opening. And Maddie Sales here with an outro. Those email addresses, or the email address, I should say, for every question, every theme song submission, every cat suggestion, is ifireashow at gmail.com.

Hit us up on Twitter, too. Yeah, tweet at us. Let us know if you're coming to the show. We're reading those ad mentions. I'm reading the ad mentions. That's what's up. It's a rolling AMA. You know, I've almost been on Twitter for 10 years now. Really? Yeah. Happy anniversary, man. Thanks, man. I needed to hear that.

You did need to hear that. So, thanks for listening, everybody. We'll be back next week on a Monday. I hate Monday. Nice. Nice. Garfield. And I don't know what to do

So I email if I were you show.com Tell them about my STDs And how I failed my SATs Jake is the cute one And Amir brings all the fun I got four or five questions to ask you Like what would Jake or Amir do? Well, Jake could probably fuck everyone in town

And Amir would explain love using bar graphs Huh? That was a HeadGum Podcast With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's You pick a McDouble or a McChicken Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money.

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