Segments - 271: Two Cam Girls

Episode Date: April 24, 2017

In this episode we talk about airplane problems, Buzzfeed quizzes, and weed. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Eliza, I'm emailing if I were you I'm emailing if I were you I'm emailing if I were you Wow, Dan and Maria With a Hamilton parody Dude, that was my favorite song that we've had in a long time. It works because Eliza is your actual sister's name. Yep.

And Peggy. Huh? Your other sister Peggy. Did you listen to the song? You forgot to listen to the lyrics of the song. Looking for a mind at work, work. So I think you're just singing Hamilton, which I guess is what you always want to hear.

Why did they change the words? This was incredible. Good job. They worsened it. I liked it because it was about me and my life, my family. Yeah. If Lin can actually make a musical about you, even if you like kicked him like 10 grand.

You think he would do it for 10 grand? Because the music and the lyrics are like kind of already there. Right. You just have to make it more about like like how they did like oh like he doesn't have to write a new musical he just has to change the lyrics yeah the hamilton yeah musical so it'd be like me and yeah exactly so it'd be like jake jake looking for a mind at jake jake they already wrote this one yeah this one's already written so another one would be like jake hurwitz my nameitz. My name is J.A. Kerwitz.

That's good. And there's a couple things that I've done. I actually don't want this anymore. That's fair. That's Dan and Maria who wrote it, and they have a band camp, secret-plans.bandcamp.com. Secret dash plans?

I don't know. How do you say the dash? Dash. Yeah. Secret-plans.BandCamp.com. Secret Dash Plans? I don't know. How do you say the dash? Dash. Yeah. SecretDashPlans.BandCamp.com. Recording this on a Monday morning. That's very rare for us. We like to have our shit done at the very least the day before.

I can't remember the last time we recorded on a Monday for a Monday release. Yeah. Done under the wire. But it was necessary because we spent hours and hours at the Phoenix airport on Friday. Whole day, a work day. We got there at nine for a 1030 flight. You left at six. In the PM. Yeah, it went down in the PM. It went down, it went up in the PM. The worst part was that we got on the 10 30 flight and then they took us away from the gate yeah well the 10 30 flight was actually delayed half

hour if you remember so we got on such a minor inconvenience at the time and I was like oh geez louise and that like even that remember threw a little bit of a wrench in our day we're like shit should we push things that we have in the afternoon? Because we're not going to get it later than we thought. Yeah, we might only get back at 1, which is far too late for my convenience. And then I was sitting behind another pilot and a stewardess who were flying on that plane. A steward? A steward and a stewarder. Yeah. And as we're waiting, we're sitting on the gate.

Because once we also got on the plane, they delayed us another 40 minutes because they were like, we can't take off yet. Yeah, because of congestion in LA. Yeah. They always blame it on the other airport. We'd love to take off,

but you know how LA is. It's really congested. We're ready to go here. Oh, I wish I could take off. And then the stewardess who was working that flight came and like whispered something to the pilot and the stewardess who was working that flight came and like whispered something to the pilot and the stewardess who was sitting down

in front of me and I was like, I texted you, I was like, bad news coming, bad news. She actually just leaned over and said,

get out. And then they went on the loudspeaker and they were like, we have some electrical problems. They towed us back to the gate.

I feel bad for the captain because he's like, got some bad news for you guys. We got to take everyone off the plane. Everyone's right away mad at him. What the fuck? What's wrong? We don't know.

You said it was LAX, but now it's you. You blame them. You passed the buck. And sometimes the airlines are so risk averse that the mechanical failure could be like as simple as like, you know, if like the cabin pressure went low and like some of the nozzles on some of the air, whatever,

it won't flow. So we have to just stop. Yeah. I mean, there were a time when we couldn't take off because the snack cart didn't come. I swear to God. And I was like, why can't we just take a vote to be like, we don't need the snacks.

Yeah. I think if everyone raised their hands and said snacks or flight. I don't need to eat. I packed my own stuff. And it was just a 45 minute flight from Phoenix to LA. Yeah. So they unload us. And then basically it's a scramble.

A hundred people on this flight all have to re-book. A mad dash. So everyone's just fucking calling, getting online, running to a kiosk, doing it in person. I'm hunched over, earbuds in, getting us on the next possible flight before we even deplane. Rich is standby for a one in two and a half hours.

I was also on the phone with Delta and they were like, we can't book you on a new flight because you're still on the plane and it doesn't say that your flight is delayed. Like as far as it is in our system, your flight is taking off right now. And it's like, okay, well. Which is another subplot because I was told that airlines don't cancel flights, even though they know that it's not going to take off. And they never canceled, quote unquote, this flight that we were on. Right. They just delayed it so indefinitely that everybody took a different flight. Yeah. But like, hey, it's not going to take off. And they never canceled, quote unquote, this flight that we were on. Right. They just delayed it so indefinitely that everybody took a different flight.

Yeah. But like, hey, it's not canceled. So you don't get your money back. That's how they fuck you. But you can. This is the little loophole. If your flight's delayed for more than 90 minutes, you can call and demand your money back. But people don't know to do that.

So we're on standby on a 115. That flight is completely full. We don't get that flight. That was a really fun story too because me and you were number three and four on the standby list. Yeah, which is basically if there's three or four empty seats, they just let people in off the standby.

Yeah, so there's two people ahead of us, then me and you, and then theoretically an entire list of our previous flights that was trying to get on this plane. 92 more people. And as we're, that guy's like, yeah, it's like, it's checked in full, but you know, you never know who's not going to, I've also like borderline gotten on every flight standby

that I've ever tried to. Right. It's never so full that you can't get in. And then they're, they're calling the name, after the flight's fully boarded, they're like passenger Montez passenger han we're just like counting the numbers uh they there were three people instead of four yeah they were going to split us up and i and we're as we're like sort of thinking about what we should do uh passenger montez just runs up breathlessly gets on the plane passenger han soon follows there's

the oh the saddest thing was that lady. The lady who was number one for standby. She's first in the list. We're all still standing there like a little dumbstruck that this isn't going to work. And she's just like hopeful, hopeful as ever. He calls her up. And she's like, as she's

checking in, the last passenger sprints around the corner. Asian man holding a croissant. Sorry I'm late. Out of my way, woman. Excuse me, excuse me. No standby as well. Bye-bye, bye-bye.

I'm off to LA. So then we get put on the 4.40 p.m. flight. Keep in mind we got there at 9 a.m. So this is now a seven plus hour delay. We have lunch. We're waiting around. You end up having to reschedule your 440 because you're like,

I'm just going to go straight to Santa Barbara. I was in Santa Barbara the week. It was very nice. So your flight took off at six. After a 45 minute delay. And my flight took off at five to LA. Our original flight was still quote unquote scheduled. It was like,

I should have looked to see when it took off. I bet we could find that out. Because I talked to the guy, he's like, yeah, now it's delayed till 9pm. I'm like, the 10.30am flight is delayed until 9pm? Is there anybody left on the flight? He's like, there's about 16 people. I was like, if it goes down to zero, are you flying? He's like, even if there's one person on the plane, we have to fly back to LA because the plane has to go there. So then I thought, maybe I'll wait. What if I'm the only person on this flight?

That's like such a, what a unique, rare aviation occurrence that maybe I should just wait in the airport for another three hours and get to take my own private 747. Yeah, that'd be cool. The pilot would let you blow him. Yeah. I'd get to open the bathroom. Can I give you airhead? I could sleep in the aisle.

I could sleep in the bathroom. I think you are not allowed to do that still. Really? Probably still have to just wear your seatbelt. They still have a cart? Yeah, I guess I want ginger ale. Jesus Christ. I can't believe we're going through this dog and pony show.

I'm the only one on this flight. Is this not insane to you? I would take so many funny Snapchats. I should do that. I'll go back in time and do that. Anyway, that's why we're recording Monday morning. That's why this episode is a little delayed. We also had shows last weekend.

We were in Denver and Tempe. Those were fun. We got shows next week in Atlanta and D.C. and Raleigh and Philly. The Brooklyn show is sold out. We're traveling a lot. I was saying we traveled so much, and I've never had that happen to me, and it did happen to me on probably the easiest flight

we'll ever have to take, which is like a short flight between two nice weathered cities. There was not a cloud in the sky all day. No, it was a beautiful day. That's how they get you. Anyway, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by me. And me. I, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by me.

And me. I'm Amir. I'm Josh. So we got some questions to answer. These are questions that we didn't necessarily get to during our live shows this week. There's too many good ones. Hopefully we'll be able to release one of those shows because those were good shows. Indeed.

Thanks for coming out. Shout out to Denver and Tempe. What up? Miss you already. Here's one from a high schooler who's stuck in the middle of puberty and has a penis-related problem. Cool. So do you have a high school friend of yours that you wanted to call this guy?

Yeah. Let's call... Oh, a high school friend of mine? you wanted to call this guy? Yeah, let's call, oh, a high school friend of mine? Yeah. Steve. All right, Steve. Shout out to Steve, baby. Hey, I'm a high schooler who's stuck in the middle of puberty and I have a penis-related problem.

My friends have several times made fun of me by pointing to my crotch and saying that I have a boner, even though I don't, and I don't think I've ever really had one while in school. The reason they do it is because if I'm wearing sweatpants or something similar like swimwear, there's a bulge. The worst time was when I was swimming with some people from school, and one of them, a cute girl who I had a crush on, spoke with my friend in secret about my boner, and my asshole friend thought it would be funny to tell her that,

yes, I was sporting an erection. Should I just start whipping my dick out every time it comes up to prove that my dick is rock flaccid? If not, how do I get my friends to stop doing this, at least while other people are around? Help! Please! Thanks! Soft as a rock, baby. You see that? Soft as sand.

Biatch. So should he whip his dick out is this is his problem that his dick is huge is that what he's trying to say i think that's what's going on or they just like bullying him for having even like a mound yeah bully for the mound and they're saying look he has a boner which is sort of like a reverse heckle because they're saying, look, he's got a pretty big dick. Yeah. I mean, that's what I'm saying. If they're saying this because your dick is big, then that's dope, man. Don't worry. Next time you're hard, whip that out.

It'll look like a fucking baseball bat. It'll be like, unless you see my dick looking like this. What is it? Little baby carrot. Blot out. But you never seen one like that before. You can't go to this high school anymore. Fine.

Yeah, but they were pointing. I think they're trying to, they're begging you to take your dick out. Right, yeah. You take your dick out, you overreact like that. That's definitely what they've been waiting for. Yeah that then you're the idiot then they win that's when the terrorists win i i mean my way of uh sort of diffusing any kind of situation where uh somebody somebody's like making fun of me like this like trying to ridicule me uh is always just to agree and make fun of myself even a little bit more.

Someone's like, you have a boner. Like, oh, yeah, baby. I'm fucking turned on right now. Yeah, you turn it on them. You act like you don't. You give so little of a shit that you're playing along with them. Yeah, because if you're like, no, I don't. Yeah.

I do not. That's sort of, that eggs them on, man. They're trying to get a rise out of you. Don't you get it? Don't you get it? Steve. And when you whip your dick out, that eggs them on, man. They're trying to get a rise out of you. Don't you get it? Don't you get it? Steve! And when you whip your dick out, that's them winning. Yeah.

So how do I get my friends to stop doing this? Just play along. You say, yeah, I actually do have a boner. Yeah. Ooh, and so do you. Oh, let's sword fight. What? Let's sword fight.

That's when you use your little dicks to sort of joust. That's right. Fence. Fence. You ever sword fight? Of course not. I've done light swashbuckling. What's the difference between swashbuckling and sword fighting? I think swash...

I thought swashbuckling was sort of just like a lifestyle. You sometimes sword fight, you also plunder and you bury treasure. That is interesting. Huh. Swashbuckle is to engage in daring or romantic adventures with ostentatious bravado or flamboyance. I was kind of right on the swashbuckling front. What a funny word. A swashbuckling front. What a funny word. A swashbuckler is a heroic archetype in European adventure.

Oh, look, typified by the use of a sword. And chivalric ideals. Oh, I am a swashbuckler. I swashbuckle. Reading more and more about it. Oh, it's like swag. Yeah. Do you think I have swash?

I think you have swash, no buckle. Hashtag swash. Swash buckler. Use that to them. That'll show them. In what sense? What? You might have a little dick or a big dick, but at least you have a word. They don't even have that. They just say boner all the time. Yeah. All right.

Oh, this is, we got another question from another high schooler. Oh, perfect. I'll name it after another high schooler that I went to high school with, a high school guy. Go ahead. Here we go.

You don't have any friends from high school. Well, not friends, but I can guess. All right, name a kid that you went to high school with. Simon Dardoshti. Nice. Joke's on you. Simon. Simon's a good name that nobody's ever named.

It's not that great. Do you know the name Simon? Do you know anybody named Simon? No. Right? All right. Simon writes. It's Whitney's last name.

Oh, yeah. Jesus. Can you imagine if Simon Dardoshti married Whitney Simon? Her name would be Whitney Dardoshti. Wow. How narrowly close to another funny thing. All right. Simon writes, I'm a senior in high school, and I have been dating my girlfriend for seven months.

We have so much fun together, and I've never felt this way about anyone. That being said, we recently took a BuzzFeed quiz, and the result is not sitting well with me. Okay. It was titled, Are You Really Boyfriend Material? And I received the result of, of course. When she took the quiz of, Are You Really Girlfriend

Material? She received a hell no. It was a funny, cute moment, and we quickly laughed it off and went on with our day. However, later that evening, I was thinking, the results really do have some merit behind them. I love cuddling, and she hates it. I love going out to dinner and going on cute dates, while she prefers staying at home and watching Netflix. I love giving her gifts and compliments, while she barely acknowledges them. Don't get me wrong, she makes me incredibly happy. It's just that sometimes I wish she was more of a girlfriend. Is there anything I could do to make her more intimate slash romantic? Since we're both

heading to a different college in the next six months, is it worth it to stick it out and try that LDR? Thanks. I don't mind the show, except for Amir. He's a little too Jewish for me. To respect. Sincerely, Simon. Simon doesn't mind our show. That's good. Yeah, it's good. I'm happy he doesn't mind it.

He's sort of neutral about it. You're a little too Jewish for me sometimes too. I get that. I understand. So is this overblowing or does this BuzzFeed quiz have merit? It's interesting because it's like so, the BuzzFeed quiz is really lame that it's like, that it pointed this stuff out. But at the same time, it is kind of true. Yeah.

She doesn't like cuddling. She doesn't like going on cute dates. She doesn't love eating dinner together. Yeah, well, cuddling sort of... Also, one of the questions should, if your boyfriend material should be like, if you don't get the answers you want on this BuzzFeed quiz,

will it change your life? Yeah. And if he says yes, then the answer is you're not boyfriend material. It's funny to say, like, just because she doesn't like going out on dates, she's not girlfriend material? Well, she's not, maybe she's not your girlfriend material. Right. It's just like an incompatibility thing more than, like, you can't be anyone's girlfriend if you like staying home and watching Netflix.

Right. Like, I'm boyfriend material because I love going out. Yeah. What about, are you boyfriend material for someone that doesn't like going out? Huh? Yeah, it's more like a matchmaker thing. So, I love giving her gifts and compliments while she barely acknowledges them. Okay.

So, how much merit do you give to this BuzzFeed quiz? Because there's another one that's also pretty interesting. She's a Monica and he's a Ross. Really? Yeah. And that's not a very romantic arrangement at all. I'm not taking in your video that you were obsessed with making BuzzFeed quizzes. Oh, yeah. What kind of bean are you? I think somebody actually made that eventually.

That's really good. I was a Lima. Is there anything I can do to make her more intimate and romantic? I'm going to make you intimate whether you like it or not. Watch how much you love cuddling after I do this. Lay down next to me. Tie him up. Spoon me.

I think, I feel like this BuzzFeed quiz opened your eyes. Like, while that's small and petty and dumb, it opened your eyes to some things that aren't necessarily small and petty and dumb. Yeah. For example? The fact that she doesn't acknowledge or care about your compliments. Yeah. The fact that you like to go out and she doesn't want to. I think if you guys can strike a balance where you're each getting a little bit of everything that you like,

you know, she will indulge you in a couple cute dates or a cuddle session. Maybe you cuddle up until you need to fall asleep and then she'll turn away. Maybe you give her like a coupon, like a coupon good for one cuddling. Well, she would have to give him the coupon. Yeah, and he'll be like, I'd like to cash it in. Because then she would never, you know, if she had all the coupons, she's like,

I'm going to hoard them. Yeah, I want to wait until it's like a buy nine, get one free deal. Yeah, it seems like if you guys could find a balance, that's good. But if you can't, I think you're lying when you tell us that you're completely happy in the relationship.

Yeah, it doesn't sound like you're completely happy. Yeah, it sounds like a BuzzFeed quiz really through a loop. And maybe try taking another one, like which high school musical gif best defines you and your bae? That's cool. So there would be one with Zac Efron singing

and he's like, bae makes me feel this type of way. Type of bae. Some type of bae. Make me feel some type of bae. Lastly, I feel like we're ignoring the elephant in the room, which is you guys are about to be apart. So, break up.

Yeah, that's fine. It's good for her because the LDR is great Because she doesn't like going out and cuddling anyway But it might not be a great situation for you Yep So stick it out until you leave for college Or just end it now But definitely don't keep it going

While you're at school Yeah brother Alright let's take a break We'll be back with more questions and answers Maybe from high schoolers right after this Yeah, brother. All right, let's take a break. We'll be back with more questions and answers, maybe from high schoolers, right after this. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings.

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Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience.

But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey, and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do and we have returned what up uh one week until our shows it's been one week yeah our shows it's kind of it's misleading because it's

may 1st which seems far away because we're only in April. Yeah, but it's very, very soon. Yeah, so our first show is a week from today, Monday, May 1st in Atlanta. First show ever in Atlanta. That's correct. I've never been to Georgia except for the airport. And we're getting there a couple days earlier to explore the city. Oh, that's right.

The next day we're having a show in Raleigh, North Carolina. North Carolina. The day after that, our show in D.C., Washington, D.C., May 3rd. State's capital. Correct. Donald Trump is coming. Thursday, May 4th. May the 4th be with us in Philadelphia.

Show at Helium Comedy Club. Always a good time in Philly. Cinco de Mayo, Friday, the end of our trip. Arriba. Show is sold out. Oh. Friday, the end of our trip Arriba! Show is sold out Oh Other shows inching closer to it But Brooklyn has already come correct, I would say So if you can't get tickets to the Brooklyn show

Feel free to come see me in Georgia You know what? If you were a really big fan You would travel with us Like they did with The Grateful Dead Oh, that'd be so dope So it'd be like, oh, we saw you in Atlanta And then we just red we did the road trip.

Because we're doing it. Obviously, it's doable. Mm-hmm. And we're flying private, but... You can fly with us. Yeah, anybody can drive it. We're not really flying private.

It's just a delayed flight that we're on that is completely empty. For me, it's just, it's private or drive it. Like, those are the only two options. Have you ever... I've never done private, no. So you just... Drive it. I often drive it. Like those are the only two options. Have you ever? I've never done private, no.

So you just drive it. I often drive it. You're always road tripping. Yeah, I'm always road tripping. That makes a ton of sense. Because if I'm not driving it, it is private. You drive it though, right? Absolutely, all the time.

All the tickets for sale are at jakeandamir.com. You should make another image, a little sales image. And by the way, if you already have a ticket tell your friends because a lot of time we're walking around we're walking around a city or a town or whatever and people come up and they're like what are you doing here like we have a fucking show don't you follow us on twitter instagram facebook how do i reach you you're millennial so tell you text your friends text all your friends And then they walk away like Oh sorry

I thought you were Rhett and Link This is uncomfortable I am Come to my show I'm Rhett and Link Click on this link Rhett Denver was fun

Yeah That's a cool city Denver's just a great town Yeah I mean my god I'm so proud to hail from Colorado You Are proud to what? Hail from

Colorado. My grandmother was born in Colorado, Denver, actually. That doesn't mean you hail from them. It means I have Colorado blood. I'm a frontiersman, a swashbuckling frontiersman. That's really cool, actually. Yeah, it's pretty cool. I did see your bumper sticker that said, I'm a swashbuckling frontiersman. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I put it on the front of the car so people know which way I tiersman. I put it... Front.

I put it over the windshield. It's a windshield sticker. That could be a thing that catches on. Uh-huh. Of course not. Can we shout out the Twinnovation podcast? Oh, yeah. What did you want to say?

I just... They had a real fire episode on Friday. Actually they had the opposite. Oh, fire and ice. Very good. They replaced our friend Dave with ice. Do you think that's good? Does Dave think it's fair? You have to listen to the show and

find out for yourself. They've also got a Twitter poll where you can vote, and I think Dave would lose his job to a bowl of ice. Is it online right now or not yet? Do they put the ice on ice to get it ready for the next episode? They want to make sure the ice doesn't melt. They replaced Dave with a literal bowl of ice.

I was surprised that Dave hasn't been a bowl of ice this whole time. Look at this. This is an image on their Twitter of ice wearing headphones, a bowl of ice. So go online, cast your vote. Oh yeah, here it is. Dave Rosenberg. Should I vote for Dave or a bowl of ice? Who's winning right now? I can't tell until I vote. Oh. I'll vote for Dave because I feel bad a little bit. He is getting destroyed. He's down? What's the tally? 70% for the bowl of ice. Okay. It's interesting that, I don't know what the statistical word for this is, but after 500

votes, this fairly random thing of Dave Rosenberg versus the bowl of ice is at 70-30. I bet the next 500 votes will be close to this. Yeah. But why is that? I don't know, man. I'm not good at math. Isn't that slightly... Like, it's not like the odds of it being 70-30 in the other way are just as high going forward.

Right. No, it's likely that most people will prefer... Yeah, 7 out of 10. And it stays like that. Yeah. I also voted for Dave because I frankly fear what will become of him if he doesn't. He will be ice. Yeah.

All right. We have another question from another high schooler. And this one is 420 related. Ooh. We were in Phoenix during 420. Did you smoke a weed, Reefer? I ended up not getting high stoned because I feared that I didn't have like a peace with me. You feared that or did you not?

So I had like a dank ass nug. I had this like nug and I had a grinder. Well, I had a bunch of kush and some like shake. Yeah. And like, it was like sticky as shit. Right. It was sativa, so it was a body high. Did you, I had a piece that was all resin.

Oh, yeah. Did you smoke the resin out of my piece? I ended up, I used it, I sort of scooped out the burnt ash. So the bowl was sort of packed super tight. Right. And it was a sativa. That's cool. So it was a head high.

And did you smoke it or shove it up your ass? I ended up shoving it up my ass. You know it hits you faster when you shove the joint up your ass. I didn't. That's nuts. I actually vaporized it. Really? Into the ass?

You can exhale out of your butt. You know, like a fart blows air out of your butt. But you can't suck anything in. So you can take a really deep, a ghosty-ass bong rip. It'd be really nice if you could inhale through your ass. Yeah.

You inhale through the ghost of your mouth, and then you'd swallow it so down deep that you fart rings. Whoa. Fart tricks. Yeah. Anyway, another high school student. You got another high school student?

You better believe it, dude. I went to high school with... Oh, no. You were homeschooled. Dan. Dan writes, I'm a high school student who just discovered the amazing drug known as weed. Here's the problem. Ever since I started doing it, almost every time I buy off someone, it's usually oregano or moss.

And I can't even tell the difference. This has spawned the nickname oregano. What do I do about this shitty nickname and how do I get my hands on some reliable grade A kush? Please help. So you discovered an amazing drug, but it is... Weed. No, it's oregano and moss. Mostly. I love herb.

Unfortunately, for the majority of it, I'm smoking... It is actual herb. Yeah. Instead of weed, I am smoking moss or oregano uh i can't tell the difference it is hard to because drug is so you there's no like yelp review you can't be like all right so i read your reviews and oftentimes this is oregano so i won't buy from you yeah drug dealer sort of like word of mouth yeah it's like the same way with harder drugs. You just get it and hope for the best. And then hopefully sometimes somebody has a reputation that precedes you.

Yeah. I guess it's been a long time since I've been worried about weed being fake. Weed is such a nothing drug. I feel like it's not fake anymore. But I guess this guy is telling me that it is. Yeah. So how does, well, I don't know. How do I get my hands on some grade A kush?

I don't want to tell this guy how to get high. Yeah, but I mean, you should definitely at least know the difference so your friends aren't just like selling you fake weed all the time. You don't want to be taken advantage of. No, you don't want to get taken advantage of. That's true. Don't get taken for a ride here. Didn't you say you used to sell weed? This, what is this? This is a fucking sting. Gotcha journalism.

How did you get weed to sell weed? How did I get weed? My friend Dan in high school. I, yeah, it was like my friend's older brother would buy like, he was selling like a pound of weed at a time. And I would buy an ounce of weed off of him for like 300-ish dollars. So it's the same as anything. You buy in bulk and sell individually. Yeah, but when you're buying in like real bulk, it's kind of scary. You have to like do some shady shit. So I would just buy the ounce from a pallet school no big deal uh then i would separate it into eighths and grams and sell it to like people like my friends and girls i had crushes on and in sort of like a three-town radius and did you ever get high off your own supply

uh yeah i mean that's like kind of the, I think, and nobody was like making money. You sort of just like do it to always have weed so you can like look cool to people. Or that's why I did it. It's not like I even liked smoking weed that much. You were just like, you like telling people that you did it. I liked that girls would call me and need me to come over. And I would be like, yeah, you got it. How would you do it? Beepers? Like, how would they call you?

I had a cell phone. Huh. Yep. I had a burner. Very chill. And you could do it, like, on IM, too. And I would, people would say, like, I either made them a CD or made them a hemp bracelet or necklace, and then I would go and deliver it. Oftentimes a blank CD or a hemp necklace and also some weed.

All right. There you have it. Don't sell drugs. But if you do, I guess, why don't you talk to somebody that, just talk to somebody smarter than you. Yeah, find out where the supply is really coming from. And I think if you, like, aren't smoking by yourself, you'll be less likely to be smoking fake weed. Like, smoke with a bigger group of people who smokes weed regularly. They'll know what they're doing.

Also don't smoke weed. Well, weed's fine. Okay. All right, last question. I'm in love with two cam girls, right? No. I'm in love with two cam girls. Who's that guy that sings that song?

Ooh, I'm in love with the Coco. I don't know, no. I'm in love with the Coco. Coco, I'm in love with the Cocoa. Right. No. What's his name? What?

OT Genesis. Does that sound familiar? Nope. OT Genesis. I've never even heard that. Song's a one-hit wonder. OT Genesis writes, I'm in love with two cam girls. I tip them about as much as I can afford, which is $500 a month,

which isn't that much considering I'm trying to talk to them every day. I'm also in debt, but whatever. In return, they're very affectionate to me. I'm not so delusional to think that I'll be able to have a real romantic relationship with either, but at the very least, I'm definitely friends with them. I buy them thoughtful gifts based on private jokes. I write handwritten letters for God's sake. They're usually online at different times, so there's never been a situation where I've had to choose between the two, until now. For a little background, some cam girls will attend conventions where fans can shake their hands. Girl A asked me to go to an upcoming convention

in a few months. It's her first, and she wants a friendly face there, someone to be supportive. It wasn't until later that I realized Girl B will also be there. They're using the same platform too, so they'll be camming it up from the same booth. Hell, they might even be right next to each other. I'd feel weird trying to play devotee to both at once. So what should I do when I show up? Even if I split my time between them, I'll still have to decide who to hang out with first. What would you do? Oh dear. OG Genesis. He's scared that one cam girl will get offended that he's hanging out with the other. I'm scared you're going to get offended when there's a line a thousand people deep to meet these cam girls. And they all feel like a devotee to them.

Oh, you've been cam chatting with other boys. I'm starting to feel like you make some kind of living through this shit. Here's $20 for you to retire and hang out with me and me alone. I think it's fine to use the cams and it's fine to get something out of them, but it's not good if you get to the point where you, you do recognize that you're not so delusional that you're going to run away and marry one of the cam girls.

She has a cam and he is her man. You are being a little delusional to think that she's not, it's not her job to make many men feel like, and women, whatever, feel like this, right? It must be hard if you're a cam girl and you actually have a crush on someone. It's like, if you're a stripper and you actually have a crush on a client or a Hooters waitress and you actually like someone, because everyone like now goes back to like the, she's obviously not hitting on me. She's doing it just for her job. But at some point, a stripper will be like, no, I actually like you. Yeah, but it's so rare.

Yeah. So just assume that it's not happening to you. I think it's fine even if, like, assume past the point of it being obvious that she doesn't actually like you. Yeah. God, he tips $500 a month. I mean, I also have a problem with him doing that.

If he's in debt, that's no bueno. He should tip more Yeah, you really should You should move into a smaller place And trade in your car so you can tip a bit more Yeah, if you're only tipping $500 a month I'm afraid these cam girls won't be actual friends with you I think you should just choose You should at least choose your favorite

Because then you'll be saving $250 a month This is like a pornographic Sophie's choice. How can he decide which ones to get? Like she'll, she'll still like you if you tip her $200 a month. She'll just like you less. Well, someone else will tip more. Why is this considered so like, if, if your female friend was doing this, you'd be like, that's crazy. Don't do this. Be a cam girl. But if she was like an actress in any other regard, you'd be like, this is fine. And she's like, I act on web chats and guys pay me to act scenes.

That's fine. But if she's like, I take off my clothes and talk guys off, you're like, oh, that's disgusting. I wouldn't say it was disgusting. But I guess I would be like, you should be careful because a lot of people record those and post them online. Yeah, but there's something. The only thing I would really worry about is if somebody was doing that just to get by for now, and they were like, it's not going to mean anything. It's just like a webcam

it's it disappears do the cam girls get naked or do they just talk uh i think different ones do different stuff there are definitely people that are like shoving their fist in their ass on yeah and then there's also ones that are probably uh fully clothed yeah because different people have different fetishes but like if someone was close you, like you wouldn't want your sister doing this. If I found out my sister was like a fully clothed, like J-O-Y talking webcam girl, and that she was making thousands of dollars a month, I don't think I would be like, you should not be doing that. I'd say disgusting things into a microphone for a living too.

Hey, we're all part of this. We're all cut from the same cloth, baby. It seems like there's a market for that then. There is. Like non-sexual or non-stripper type ladies. Yeah. Fully clothed. Yeah. Talking guys off. Yes.

For a lot of money. Uh-huh. The gears are turning in your head. I want to be a pimp. Is there one where they don't see, like, I want to do it for blind guys so I could just pretend like I have a woman voice. Not even that. Can I be that for a gay? I think that guys make a lot less money.

I don't know for a fact, but it just seems like there'd be way more guys willing to do it. Would I have to see them? Or could I just... You have to see them. I have to see. It's a two-way mirror? I think it depends. I've never actually used it, but I think there's some like that are, you know, when you're camming for a group of people, so you're not seeing everybody then, but then they can like pay to take you private. And then I think it's like, can I back and forth? Do you mind if I practice just a little bit before the end of the show? I don't want to, no. I want to see your hog. You couldn't cancel. That was not hot. Take off your hog belt. Let me see that little piggy. Okay. Oink, oink, oink. You see that rock flaccid here. Yeah, a little pigtail. How is it so curly? How is your dick curly? It's a loop-de-loop. You're a swashbuckler to the nth degree. Boing. Oh, yeah. It's a doorstop. It's a fucking spring. Spring has sprung, and it's your

little coiled dick. I love it, dude. It looks like a fun straw. All right, that's enough. That's absolutely enough. My dick is small and curled like a ribbon. You don't have to rib me about it. It's a god when you use a scissor to curl the ribbon. Yeah, I don't know what it is.

Curling? Yeah, that's what someone did. All right, so don't worry about offending the cam girls. They're used to having many men vie for their affection. Yeah, I definitely assume that there's lots of people there that think that those girls are their, that they are also like those girls' number one guy. Yeah. That's like their job to make you feel like that.

Yeah. And they're doing good. Just play it cool. So keep up the good work, cam girls. Yeah. Don't take it so personal, personal OT. Enjoy the convention. Why would you want to go to the convention?

So you could see the girls that you have a crush on in person. Those things are big. We were in Vegas like twice during AVN. Do you remember that? I thought that was an award show. I didn't know it was just meet porns. Well, it's everything. They do the big award show, but then it's days of the convention center where people just walk around and meet their favorite porn stars and take pictures with them and stuff. Yeah. I guess I always think of it as sports, so I guess I would go to a place and meet

sports guys. Totally. There's no real sports conventions, though. Does Kobe ever talk you off? He doesn't have to, but I'll watch some highlight clips from that series he had against the Suns in 2005 and just fucking go to town. I mean, some of those shots were unbelievable. Insane. Unreal.

All right, cool. Thanks for listening, everybody. Sorry for the delay. Hopefully it was worth the wait. Opening theme song, closing theme song, questions, I'll deliver them all to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. The opening one was written by, do you remember, Dan and Maria? Mm-hmm. And this closing one is a Hallelujah parody.

This is my favorite episode. These are two of my favorite songs. I'll also, now that the podcast is over, and you've got, you're free to open up some new tabs. Go to jakeandamir.com, buy tickets for Raleigh, D.C., Philly, Atlanta,

and Atlanta, Hotlanta. Those are going to be fun shows. Thanks to you guys for listening. Thanks to Dan Maria. Thanks to Sam. Todah, and we'll see to Dan Maria. Thanks to Sam. Toda. And we'll see you next week. Enjoy. Later. Toda.

Toda. A secret phrase Called the game I have to play But you don't Really care The podcast Did it Well it goes like this I need advice I need some

Help from These two guys Who love their moms I need advice, I need some help from These two guys who love their moms but also love Matt Damon Find who you show, find who you show If I were you I'd show I need some help, bro If I were you I'd show That was a HeadGum Podcast.