Segments - 272: Return of the Game Boy

Episode Date: May 1, 2017

The Game Boy returns to discuss crushing, sweating, and Jake's feet. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Welcome to If I Were You. Look, you need some advice, and Drake and Amir can spin it all night. Yeah, so roll up and hang your coat up. So these coy divas can start the show up.

So you're just right into If I Were You show. Enroll you in the worst blast class you'll ever know. So keep it Gucci. Yeah, you better play nice. Because these two Jews and Kobe, they're hella tight. Mmm. Solid. Jazzy and marazzi. hella tight. Mmm. Solid. Jazzy and Marazzi.

It was very Marazzi. It was Marazz. Jason Jazz. Jason Drazz. If you want to shout me out, writes Isaac Balson, just look up Mildcard on YouTube. That's his full album. So Mildcard, Isaac Balson on YouTube. That's a nice pun. Mildcard. YouTube. That's his full album. So Mildcard Isaac Balson on YouTube.

That's a nice pun. Mildcard. I like that. It's like, oh, everyone knows about a wildcard. Well, I'm a mildcard. That's funny. That's actually, that's really funny. Yeah.

So that's how you start laughing? You tell yourself it's funny, then you say it's really funny, and then you can laugh? And your laugh is also, oh, you're dying. You're dying. You think any other animals laugh? Hyenas. Very good. Thank you.

But do dogs find things funny? I think they find things humorous and silly, but they don't, like, giggle. They're more of like a, hmm, not bad. And what about chimpanzees? If I were to slip on a banana peel, would they chuckle to themselves? Yeah, they would find that. Is that a... That's what I imagined that to sound like.

I feel like dolphins laugh. And it sounds a little bit like this. I've heard a dolphin that was just like, ha, ha, ha. Okay. He had a mustache and was holding a briefcase. He was on his way to work. Yeah, he folded a New Yorker in half, and he was reading it on the on the l-i-r-r and he was like hopped off the subway rolled the new yorker nice and tight into the back

pocket and then a really tight whistle for a cab uh why did you think that was a dolphin that did that it was i swear to god he had a flipper a, and a blowhole. And then the cab pulled up, it sprayed a young girl with some water from a puddle, and he went... It was a little cruel. But yeah, it was a dolphin, 100%. A sea mammal. And he laughed. And then another cab did it to him, and he's like, this is actually good. I can sort of exist both in and out of water.

Pretty neat. So thanks to Mildcard and Isaac Balson for that. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by I... And I. Jake and I. And Amir and me. Jake, I, Amir, me.

Come on over to the mic, I. What? Our friend Ivan. Hey, I. I. Amir me come on over to the mic I what? our friend Ivan hey I I there's a there was a barbershop quartet once that came to our

middle school and I still remember to this day they count the part of the song was counting in Roman numerals the wheels on a big rig

so they're like there is I I I I I I I I V V, I, I, I, V, V, I, V, I, I, V, I, I, V, I, X, X, I, and kept on going to 18. And I was enamored with them. Really? I ended up living with, not the baritone, but what's the second lowest one? There's a baritone.

Yeah. A tenor. A tenor soprano i gave the tenor a tenor and i said i'd love to just have your life for a bit and he said he could live with me do you want me to teach you how to sing yeah and you said no thank you i just want to live with you he said i could take you in for a week or two as long as your parents don't mind. And I said, they don't. And so I hopped into his. They were like all coming into.

I mean, this is. They all went into a van. It was a van. It was a van. And we hit up another middle school. And then I ended up living with Sven for, yeah, two weeks. He kidnapped you. I feel like you have some sort of Stockholm syndrome where you remember it like

you wanted to be there. But it doesn't sound like that. It was dark in Sven's house. Pitch black and dusty. How long is it, Sven? Oh, very good. Very good. But tread lightly. Sven is in prison.

And I do still love him so. And I still need him so. Because there's I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, V, V, V, I, and then all the way on. Day 18. Day 18. So if you're listening to this, this is coming out Monday, May 1st, which means we're on the road. If you're listening on Monday, we're in Atlanta. Tuesday, Raleigh.

Wednesday, D.C. Thursday, Philly Friday, Brooklyn Saturday, dead We're gonna be dead I wanna die on Sunday Oh, so you wanna be hungover and then die I'm gonna do one last night of Rage Fest in Brooklyn on Saturday

Mmm Yeah That's cool I figure why not The sixth day The sixth day That's the day where I don't have any responsibilities. The next day.

That's the day where I'll be the ragiest. You think so? Actually, I'll probably rage pretty hard on Saturday. Well, you were talking about Saturday. Or Friday. Oh, yeah. I'm drunk right now. Huh?

Yeah. That's good. Tickets still available to two of those shows. Raleigh on Tuesday and Philly on Thursday. Other three, fortunately for us, are sold out. So thanks for everybody for buying their tickets in advance. We can brag to our parents about it. Yeah, but Raleigh, wake the fuck up.

Let's Raleigh, Raleigh. And why don't you do your research triangle and come to the show? This is why they're not going to come. Yeah, that makes sense. Well, I'm going to get my Philly of Thursday's show in Philadelphia. And I want to be having brotherly love with my brothers. We love each other. Come on down to the Helium Comedy Club,

where we'll do jokes and brotherly love of all channels. And much like the Liberty Bell, you'll be cracked up. Very good. And if you need an autograph, I'll sign it with a pen. Sylvania. Have a cheese stick. They're all right by me. But as long as you come to the show first.

I am crying. So let me just get a little... All right. So we're looking for questions for the show so much. So we thought it would be fun if we can play a little game. We haven't? Oh! Oh!

Oh, my God. Oh, I have been summoned. He's back. Oh! God, we haven't had the Game Boy in a while. He has been lonely. Where have you been, Game Boy? I go into a blackness

for months, months at a time. A deep hole where I feel neither space nor time. For those of you joining us late in the game, the Game Boy is half game, half character. Oh! All game! A robot that's orgasming. Constantly!

Wherein Jake and I search our Gmail for words or phrases that we think could elicit some fun random questions. So rather than finding the best questions for us, we'll let the gods decide. And the way to win the game. The game god. And the way to win the game is by finding a word that only appears in one question. Remember how happy you get when that happens, Game Boy? Oh,

no better feeling exists. That's when I orgasm the most. So you orgasm with every... Always. But then you want to, in addition, win the game and that's when you orgasm the most. That's the max climax.

And the word is tetherball. Wow. That's the max climax. And the word is tetherball. Wow. That's pretty specific. Yeah. Tetherball. Nothing. Dodgeball.

Okay. Is that two words or one? One. Dodgeball. Close. Real close. Two. Oh! And it's a classic two. There's no spam. There's no guy trying to game the system. These are two real authentic questions that we've never answered. One called Help Please, and the other one called Shit's Going Downhill. Ooh, Shit's Going Downhill.

Shit's Going Downhill. Do you have a name for this dodgeball player? Sure. Let's call him Durham. Nice. If you live in Durham, you better come and eat ham at the show. Dur-ham.

Nice, dude. Durham, right. So here's my fucking issue. It seems like a lot of shit's going downhill at the moment. I work two jobs over the summer. The first one has me going batshit crazy. It's like this day camp where we make the kids run a game show with local public access TV guy Doug. Did you say game?

Dude, this guy is fucking crazy. He constantly yells at the kids and will laugh uncontrollably at dumb shit. It honestly ticks me the fuck off. He rarely listens to any of the instructions given by the camp counselor and wastes time. The kids skip camp

because of this shit and they constantly tell me how they want to play dodgeball or whatever. The other day, I was with a friend getting some iced cream and I ran into Doug. He told me that he had just left the camp after working on the game show for about eight fucking hours. Then I saw Doug get two ice creams and eat them alone outside. The director is a racist fuck who molested me when I was in fourth grade,

so I don't like talking to him. My other job is a lifeguard, which is great, because I get to chill out and listen to your show. My question is, how do I get more hours as a lifeguard and tell Doug he's fucking insane and get the camp director he molested you, you'll get fired really quick. Yeah, okay. So this is an example of a question that's pretty elaborate but doesn't have too many debatable answers.

If you tell someone that they molested you... Well, you would tell somebody else that they molested you. You don't tell the person that molested you that they molested you well you would tell somebody else that they molested you don't tell the person that molested you you tell on him actually that reminds me one time yeah that actually threatened me this just goes to show how often threatened me ill-conceived that i lived with sven and then he threatened me just let the record show that I had to play along but the bit was set up by Mr. Ramir Blumenfeld so you tell someone

that they molested you sorry you tell someone else that somebody molested you he gets fired tell Doug he's fucking insane you don't have to tell Doug he's fucking insane Doug fucking knows he gets it he's Doug and then how do you get more hours as a lifeguard? Quit the other job. You just quit the

camp job. Well, I think you have to ask for more hours first. You have to ask your boss. Yeah, sure. I think you just say like, hey, I can't do the camp job anymore. Now my hours are open if you want me to do more lifeguard shit. I hope this guy got his act together because shit really was going downhill.

When did this email come in? July of 2015. Hmm. Oh, yeah, he's dead. That makes a ton of sense. Doug ended up going on some sort of killer rampage. Doug was insane. He killed somebody.

Do you want to read the other dodgeball question? Sure. Since I have it open, we can get rid of both dodgeball questions in one fell dodge. Let's do it. Let's call this guy Doug, based on the last question. So my school is having a dodgeball tournament, and two of my friends are putting together a team.

One of my friends asked me to be on the team, and I said yes. Later, he texted me and told me that my other friend didn't want me on the team because I, quote, wasn't good enough. To be sure, I'm not a great dodgeball player, but I'm not terrible either. I was hurt when he said he didn't want me on the team, mostly because we are good friends,

and I don't think he should exclude me from this team just because he doesn't think I'm good. Am I right in being hurt, or am I being too sensitive? What can I do about this situation? Love, Doug. You think he's being oversensitive or is that the right amount? That sounds like the right amount. Dodgeball is sort of like a silly fun game and if someone doesn't want you on the team because they say you're not good enough, it feels like it's easy enough to take that personally. Yeah, but at the same time, do you want to fight for your right to dodge? Or do you just say, fuck that guy. I don't want to be on your team. Yeah. If, if you're easily

hurt, is it better when you like get news like this to just be like, Oh, whatever. And then you like go off or is it better to like dig your heels in and be like, no, I really want to play. Cause like, you're just, then you're're just setting yourself up as a punching bag. Like, you're not good. Yeah, well, that doesn't matter. It's like, no, well, everybody else thinks you're not good, too. Yeah, it's kind of weird. Now the whole entire, this whole everybody, all of our friends will all tell you that you shouldn't play.

Yeah. And now you're also the guy who demanded he play, so you better be really fucking good. So if you are sensitive, is it better to just, just like go off and sulk and you'll be fine? There's something sad about doing that though, where you're like, if I do that enough, then like I, you start to feel bad because you never stand up for yourself. Right. It feels like dodgeball is the kind of thing where you could like practice and get better. Oh, like how do you, no, I think dodgeball is just purely athletic. You already have to be a good runner, jumper,

thrower, and catcher. I don't think you can practice dodging. You can definitely practice dodging. I think you're either good or you're not. And frankly, the fact that you're saying that, you're not good. It's clear to me now that you're not good. It's clear that you're not very good.

You know what dodgeball is all about man it's about blocking the balls coming at you with a ball oh my god just directly you hit me in the face you can dodge a wrench you can dodge a ball so you

what's your bit of advice to this guy um I think wait so he signed up to play, and then another friend got him removed from the team? That's right. Two friends started a team. One said, come on in. The other said, whoa, not so fast.

He's not very good. I think that the friend who said you're not good enough is in the wrong. So I think that you can team up with the friend who invited you in the first place to veto that guy. Well, the question is, what would you do if you were him? If this happened to you, how would you react? If somebody said you're not good enough, I would probably tell the other friend to shut up and I would uh be on the team like you don't make the like you don't make the rules if you want to be on a different team you go be on a different team remember the dodgeball team not dodgeball uh baseball team we were on like the New York company team.

The Silfs. Yeah. Our shirt said Silf, which is sandwich I'd like to fuck. I had a picture of a sandwich because it was a busted T. I remember. That could be our team name. Because that was the one that we had the most extras of. Yeah.

We had the most extras, so that became our jersey. And there were some people that were really good at baseball. I had never played baseball before, so I was awful. I didn't know how to play at all. I didn't realize how difficult baseball was. I'd swung a tennis racket before, but I couldn't adjust my swing to be a baseball. And then playing outfield, I would often just let the ball bounce in front of me because I didn't want to try to catch a high pop fly. Yeah, because I was afraid

the ball was coming. Lose it in the sun, smack you in the face. So I felt like this guy, well this guy doesn't even think he's that bad, but I felt a little bit bad being on this team being like I'm sorry, I'm not that good, I apologize. And everybody's like, no, it doesn't matter. We want you on the team. Yeah. So this is like the opposite of that where like

somebody else is saying, like, I guess it's easy to be like, if you say I'm bad, then people are quicker to like come to your own, to your defense. Yeah. It's all about being self-deprecating. Yeah. That's why I would be like,

no, it's fine. I don't want to play. And I'll see if how, how it shakes out with the other people. If it's like seven against him, that's one thing. But if it's seven against you,

then I don't want to be there. Interesting. That's how I would do it. Yeah. All right. Let me's how I would do it. Yeah. All right. Let me search another term. Go ahead. I'll search Quebec.

Very nice. Oh. Quiet, Game Boy. Sorry. Don't apologize. Just shh. I will from now on. Dude, from now on.

Good. Start now. Starting now. No, starting from when I said now. So not when you say now. Just shut up. I'm sorry. Have I offended you?

Oh. He's kidding. Can you turn off his mic, Blumenfeld? Oh, no. There's. I should be a fucking ventriloquist, man. I do this like voice shit and it's like really fucking good. There's 94 emails about Quebec, but I would say 91 of them are from a

list that we're on for Michael's Art Supply. Because at the bottom of everyone it says, to receive Quebec emails in French, click on this link. So there's only a few unread Quebec genuine emails. One of them is called Girlfriend's Friends. The other

one is called Love, Friends Friends. The other one is called Love, Friendship, and Shit. Hmm. And then a third one called Should I Date My Camp Counselor? So I think I'm going to choose Love, Friendship, and Shit. Okay. I'm a literature student living in Quebec,

Canada. I found myself in a shit place recently, and I really need your help. For the past two years, I've grown closer to a guy on my sports team. We've become really close friends, one thing leading to another. I got to know his girlfriend way better than I used to. Problem is, I fell in love with her, or something pretty damn close to that. This guy is one of my best friends,

and I would never try anything with her. The thing is, I can't take her off my mind. What would you guys do? By the way, I love you guys. You helped me overcome hard times. And if you guys want to, I could come to your Montreal show and ask this slash elaborate this question on stage.

Love you guys. This is actually pretty good timing because we might come to Montreal this summer. Oh. This is about the last Montreal show. So this guy's living in French Canada and says he loves his friend's girlfriend and can't turn off that part of his brain, but at the same time doesn't want to act on it. So what should he do?

Should he just distance himself from the friend? Say, listen, I can't tell you why, but I can hang out with you anymore it's it's a pretty crazy reason i love your girlfriend and if i'm around her anymore i'll have to act on it and the girlfriend doesn't even like him or we don't know we don't know i don't know how much how much can you love someone that doesn't even like consider you like when you're yet when you're in't know. How much can you love someone that doesn't even like consider you? When you're in high school, a lot. Like the crushes that I feel are like with people that I interact with, that I dearly reciprocate. I've never been like that girl that I hardly ever talk to, but I see occasionally I am so deeply madly in crush love with her.

Oh, that's me. I see somebody, I like pass somebody on the street, and I imagine my entire life with them. I meet somebody at a party or at a bar, and they're my soulmate. And then on the contrary, I date somebody, and I'm disgusted by them. So the more I get to know somebody, the grosser they are. And then the less I know somebody, the more potential they have.

And I'm in love with the potential, with the idea of a person. I'm in love with the po-po. Yeah, that's good. I get it on the down low. So that line didn't really change. No. I'm in love with the co-co. I'm in love with the cocoa. I'm in love with the potencho.

Nice. It's sort of an extra syllable, but it's fine. Could you ever be in love with somebody that's dating a friend of yours? Like, do you have that capability? Not now, but earlier, yes. When you're younger, there's less women in your life. Would you admit to that being the case at one point in your life? At one point in my life, that's definitely happened.

Crush on friends GF? Crush on a friend's GF. But it's when you're young. Like now, people have dating apps. The world is like much larger than it was. The girl and guy pool is bigger and deeper than it was when we were younger right when we were younger like my friend had a girlfriend and that was like you know the one girl i met in a month so like that's the only one i could like oh so your your crush points have

to be allocated to certain ladies and if you only meet one then she gets all your crush points i think so and but if there's like thousands meet one, then she gets all your crush points. I think so. But if there's like thousands of other options, you have to spread your crush points equally. So I think that actually this guy has no excuse. Like the world's big enough. Your reach is long enough. You don't need to be crushing on your friend's... GF.

Yeah. It'll be cooler if you get your own GF and then you could do double date stuff with you and your friend. That's fun. I can't take her off my mind. What would you guys do? So what would you guys do?

Would you hang out with them less? Would you? No, I'd probably hang out with them more. It'll get old. Oh, you just got to envision her doing some terrible shit. If you really get to know her, you get to start finding her faults. Honestly, I've been in love with every single person that I've ever met, I think. I've at least imagined having sex with every girl I've ever come across.

Imagine like instantly or like later on, you'll imagine it just for one go around. I think usually instantly, but probably eventually, I at least imagine what my life would be like if I married that person, somebody. And that could be somebody that gave you a coffee at Starbucks or somebody's cousin, a teacher, a professor. That is a,

that is a Starbucks crush you had, right? Yeah. Do you like to remove her name from the podcast? It's fine. She won't listen. She'll never hear it. And if she does,

what's up girl that shit that i said about liking everybody it was a bullshit lie it's only you baby uh so what would you guys do you would hang out more i think i just wouldn't change anything and i would know knowing myself that i would not that I'm not actually in love and that it'll pass and it'll fade. Yeah. I mean, how bad could it be to not be with someone you have a crush on? Is it debilitating to the point where you're actually depressed as if somebody broke up with you? Yeah. I mean, when you're younger, yes. It seems like pretty extreme.

Yeah, it's still now. That's why they call him a crush. That's the 16 candles line. Oh, because you get crushed. Because they hurt. Yeah. But she's not even rejecting him. He can't even act on it.

That's somehow even sadder. Get over it. Get over yourself, Poindexter. Wasn't his name Doug? Yes. Doug Poindexter. Amazing. What also helps is getting a crush on somebody else.

Yeah, that's the fastest way to do it. Just take your crush soul and move it on to a different human. This virus that attacked her, remove it from her and give it to somebody else. A crush is a virus. That's right. Interesting. Interesting outlook. A crush is the flu.

And there is no vaccination. Blues have vaccinations. Do they? You get a flu vaccine. I'm saying a crush is like polio. You cannot cure it. Polio was cured. Was it?

By vaccination. I'm saying there's no antibiotics. It's like strep throat. This is crazy. A crush is a headache. There's no magicp throat. This is crazy. A crush is a headache. There's no magic pill. Yes, there is. For headaches, there is. Right, but you can't just take two

of these and calm in the morning. Stop equating a crush to all these easily solvable diseases. There are other ones that can't be cured. I'm just saying, if you have a crush that's tantamount to having diarrhea, and there's no potion or drink Pepto-Bismol settles your stuff. Jesus, if you have a crush that's tantamount to having diarrhea, and there's no potion or drink you can... Pepto-Bismol.

Settles your stuff. Jesus, do you really not know? I'm just saying, you can't have, like, a crush's long hair. You can't just cut it. You literally can do that. Anyway. All right. Enough about me.

Let's take a break. We'll come back with more Game Boy after this. Can you come back? Game Boy, do you have to go anywhere? Oh! Okay. I have nowhere to be. Ever.

All right. We'll be back. Shut up, Game Boy. Bah! BRB? Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-oh! DraftKings.

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That's code segments for new customers to play five dollars on your first pick set and get fifty dollars in pick six credits only on draft kings pick six the crown is yours there you go anything to add yeah i was gonna say gambling problem call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregonconnecticut. Must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions. Pick 6 is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer. Non-withdrawable Pick 6 credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our

show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology. Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com?

That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own FreakyFriday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.

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Have we recorded a podcast without you having hurt your heel, or does the heel injury predate podcast? Ooh, good question. I think heel injury predates podcast. You think so? I do think so. Okay. So for the entire run, you've had either a broken heel or heel pain in your right hip foot.

Correctamundo. Now, recently you took a spill in Ibiza. You hurt your left foot. Yes. That is a toe injury, turf toe. Hyper-extended my big toe injury. In the left foot. The ligaments, joints in my left foot, they call it turf toe.

That was two months ago. Two months ago. Now the latest remedy is you cut a hole in your shoe, for one. So you took... Go on. Your shoe is sliced open at like the bump of the big toe on the left foot. Yeah, where I have sort of a bunion on my left foot. And it was, the doctor said that my swelling maybe couldn't go down because it was sort of rubbing against the side of my shoe.

Sure. She recommended that I cut a hole. Sure. Which I did. Uh-huh. She also injected me with some steroid injections. Uh She recommended that I cut a hole. Sure. Which I did. Uh-huh. She also injected me with some steroid injections. Uh-huh. I got a toe spacer, and I have been taping my foot to make it so my toe doesn't really

bend. Uh-huh. And then the corn, the frozen corn that's attached to it. That's just to sort of reduce the swelling. I'm trying to make it so there's no inflammation in the old foot there. I believe there's also a bone bruise right on the bunion itself. Okay. But great news. Ask me about my heel pain.

How's your heel pain? It does not hurt. Since I've hurt my left foot, my heel has not bothered me. Zero? In the beginning, it was sort of painful for, in the last like, I would say two to three weeks. There has been no heel pain. Interesting. Do you think it's related?

I have no idea. How could it be? Is it like when you pee a little bit on your pants and then to get it off, you put a lot of water around the whole area and then they both sort of disappear together? Oh, interesting. Or is it more like...

It's that. So I did... Will you remember you pissed on my feet? Yeah, and I told you it was raining. Or is it more like I hurt my toe, so let me punch you in the face, and then you can't think about your toe pain? Yeah, I would think it was that, but then... I can give you another metaphor.

That's fine. They were both not great. There's a small noise in your room, a water dropling. Bloop, bloop. Oh, yeah. So you put on a fan. A white noise machine. Suddenly, you can't hear the dropping anymore because the fan is

louder than the drops. I guess it's maybe closer. I don't quite see how that was different than the... Let me tell you one more. It's fine. Yeah, go ahead. You're staring at an eclipse. Right. And you need sunglasses, right? Yep. But as you're doing that, you break your heel.

Oh, that's the one. Three years later, you hurt your toe. Your heel doesn't hurt anymore. Yeah. So I could understand that if my left foot was super painful, like why my right foot would bother me less. But my left foot is just, it's not like super painful. It doesn't feel like pain that would trump the pain of the right foot.

So right now, what is it out of 10 in terms of pain? My left foot? Yeah. Probably a two or a three. But when I push off with my left foot, like if I needed to go on my tippy toes to reach something, or if I very unfortunately was climbing and I needed to put my weight on my, put my weight on my left toe on the wall. That's when it hurts. Then it probably shoots up to about an eight.

With a very little warning. Yeah. And then I, I mean, it just. So if your left is around a two or three, what was your right when before, right before you injured your left? My right is probably at a constant four to seven depending oh so that's pretty high so it's higher than your left yeah my right it was like a decent amount of pain like the kind of pain where i would like second guess going to the store or like getting up to get something because it would hurt my right heel too much

to walk there for For years. Yeah. And right now you're saying that pain is gone. I imagine that if my left foot didn't hurt, I could break into a full out sprint with no pain at all. Wow. Which is amazing. And I want my left foot to heal so badly so I can test this theory that the right foot is healed. How's your back?

Oh, the back hurts. I am 31 and dead. Alright, solid update. Keep you guys posted as things develop every six months or so. How's your body feel though? Body, ankle almost entirely healed. Sometimes I go

through spouts of feeling feverish for about three nights in the last, let's say three months. Some sort of dehydration sets over me where I feel very headachy and nauseous and I have to force myself to go to sleep early. You've been coming down with spells. Yeah.

My humors are very out of order. What do you think that is? I don't know. I need to get a fainting couch just in case. It's either... A plunge pool. Some level of dehydration where I feel like,

oh God. Do you not drink enough water throughout the day? Maybe not. Or it was like when I got my new glasses that my... The first headache started,

so like maybe the prescription or my eyes getting used to that. But then I went weeks without feeling anything and then it came back again. So I don't know if it's one thing that caused all three

or different ones throughout the different reasons for every single one. Yeah. Anyway, let's see. We got another question to search? Oh, yeah. It's your turn. Is it?

Yeah. Oh, oh, thermostat. Oh, that's pretty good. Thank you. Thermostat. Oh, that's pretty good. Thank you. Thermostat. We got one question that we might have answered already. Interesting. And one question that somebody just put a whole ton of words after to try to get us to Game Boy it.

So you think we might have answered one of these questions? Yeah, because I had forwarded it to me already one day. Let's read it. But we already answered it. But did we, are you sure? No. Read it to me, let's see. You want me to read this whole question,

and then you'll say, oh, actually, we answered it two years ago? Yep. Okay. Hi, guys. My roommate is a kid. Oh, I've heard this one. Why don't I read the one

that we haven't answered? Well, because you said it was one that somebody attached the entire dictionary to. Oh, no. There's a new one. There's a third one which is unanswered.

Oh, all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Completely unanswered. Yeah, here we go. Does this mean I won the game? No, because there's been two. Fine. Here we go.

Jesus. Go ahead. What do you want to call this guy? Let's call him Stickler, because one of us is a fucking stickler for the rules. Game Boy, do you think this is fair? Game Boy, this is insane. Jake is being a sore loser. Shut it!

No one invited you here. We summoned you by accident. That's an invite. Hey, guys, I'm on a two-day road trip to go up to Denver, and we stopped overnight at a friend's place. The town we're in can easily be described as the middle of bum fuck nowhere, and the friend is only here for a summer internship.

I'm out in the living room for the night and sleeping on the couch. As I write this question, it's almost 3am, and I've been tossing and turning on the couch for a few hours now. The thermostat is set to 60, sorry, the thermostat is set to 76 degrees, and I'm sweating onto this leather couch.

My body just gives off a lot of heat for some reason, and it's radiating on this couch or something. At this point, I'm worried that if I don't change the thermostat and get the temperature down to something reasonable, I won't sleep at all. And there's still six hours of driving left tomorrow. But the thermostat is a very personal thing, and I don't want to be rude to my friend who is nice enough to put us up for the night. Should I change the thermostat down to a temperature I'm used to, say 72 degrees right off the bat, or do I change it incrementally until I find the highest possible temperature to sleep at so I don't disrupt the host very much, or do I just suck it up and try to go to bed? It is important to note that this janky apartment, the air conditioning unit,

is loud enough to potentially wake someone up. SOS, please send good advice vibes my way. So this has definitely already passed. It's funny that he was trying to get to sleep and he constructed such a long, like it should be noted. Yeah. Didn't you say you're now setting,

making rooms cold to go to bed? Oh, yeah. What is your cruising altitude now? Around 65. That's so cold. Yeah. That's so cold. Yeah.

Which is weird because 65 degrees out is kind of a nice day. Right. So why is it on a thermostat so chilly? I don't know. It feels, I guess because you're like, well, I sleep in just underwear. Okay. So there's that maybe. But I guess when you're inside, your body used to like 70, 72 degrees.

Yeah. My house is usually around 70. Right. And then when I go to bed, I have programmed the Nest smart thermostat to go down to 65. After you go to bed? Around 11. So it'll go there. So it'll go there in the house, yeah.

So it's like you're prepping the house to get cold. Yeah. And I sleep like a fucking baby. And like a good sleeping baby. Because babies, some of them don't sleep very well. So I sleep like a good one. Here's a question for you. Do you schedule the nest to say,

all right, once I'm asleep, you can kick it back up to a normal-ish 72? No, I mean, if I wake up. 65 all night. Yeah, I mean, I'll wake up if it's 70 now. It's too hot for you. Yeah. And what do you do on the road?

I set the hotel thermostat to 65. You need it to be cold. I need it to be cold to sleep now. And the eye mask? I've been sort of trying to wean myself off the eye mask because I don't want to be one of those people that really just can't sleep. Right. So I've been no eye mask lately.

Off and on with the eye mask. Yeah. But this guy is at 76. Too hot. That's, no, that's on 10 of them. Would you think two shits before changing a thermostat? No, not if it's at 76. That's egregious.

That's unfair to you. That's unfair to everybody. That's unfair to the environment. You could make a strong case, I think, if you're in Colorado, for 73 max. Absolute max. The thermostat in the house should really never be above 72. Right.

So this guy, you you think is completely allowed to set the thermostat in the middle of the night to 72 100% it's not like a too personal don't fucking change my thermostat somebody that has a thermostat at 76 and is under a bunch of covers in their bedroom they probably won't feel that

till the morning it's gonna be fine oh interesting you sleep better in in the cold that's like what bundling up is all about you get it's chilly outside you bundle up you get warm and then you'll sleep better i don't know the fucking science behind it whatever it is it works man oh baby does it work no No phone. Yeah, what other sleeping rules do you have? I don't look at my phone for like, I try to, you try to do an hour, but can't really do that. And then you end up like setting your alarm and you're like, oh, but like, what's Twitter say? Write real quick. Yeah.

But I pretty much don't look at my phone for like at least a half an hour before bed. What do you do? What's the half hour? It's just getting ready for bed? I just sort of like edge, tease myself? What's the half hour? It's just getting ready for bed? I just sort of like edge tease myself. What's that? I spend just tantric masturbation. For how long?

I make a nice little routine of like putting on some lotion, flossing my teeth, brushing my teeth. It's a long nighttime routine, getting some water. Where's the lotion going? I put it under my eyes, on my hands, arms, chest. You're lotioning up. Oh, you lotion your chest. I lotion my chest. See, before you go to bed, you are just a greasy chested man.

Yeah, well, it's made as a quick-drying lotion, but yeah. I'm slathering myself with lotion. Okay. A thin layer throughout your entire body. A greasy little lotion boy. Slithering under the sheets. I am a slick little seal,

a tadpole who found its way out to dry land. I'm leaving a trail from the bathroom to the bed. I'm like a snake. I am clammy and wet. It is a thin film. I look like I'm white. What do you do

to go to bed? I don't do shit, man. You put in the mouth guard. I'm watching MTV2 until 3am. It's loud and I'm fucking passed out. And I'm pissed. I'm mad. My head's off the couch. Anger dreams. And my feet are on it. So like I'm getting red in the head. You do the, your

um, uh, mouth guard. You sleep better with the mouth guard. So like I'm getting red in the head. You do the, your mouth guard. You sleep better with the mouth guard. Yeah. I do, I do, I think four oral things. Four. What are they? I got my electric toothbrush to brush my teeth. Then I floss after. I do, I'm a post floss. I'm a post brush flosser. Interesting people are relatively split do you do a pre pre brush floss or a post brush i do a i do a floss a rinse a brush oh so you floss and then brush yeah i like to do the most of my damage with the brusher with the toothbrush then i floss getting you know the the deep heart to reach places. But doesn't that plaque then just like sit on your teeth? It goes from inside your crevices to onto the teeth?

What? Do you do a deep rinse after that? So after my floss, I will water pick, which is a water sort of little mini hose. What made you want the water pick? I didn't want the water pick, but now I can't live without the water pick, as always. Do you travel with the water pick? I didn't want the water pick, but now I can't live without the water pick. As always.

Do you travel with the water pick? No. Oh, that's good. So last time I was at the dentist, she's like, do you floss? And I said, yes. And she's like, well, you have a lot of hard-to-reach grooves in your teeth. I would recommend using a water pick every night. Did she sell you the water pick? Well, she didn't sell it to me, but she knew a guy and I got a really good deal.

It was $400 for the water pick. Yeah, dude. They're fucking fleecing you. And actually, he gave me 10. And if I sell nine, then I'm borderline breaking even. Fine, I'll take...

Can I get a baker's dozen? I'll try to hawk them on the secondary. I want you to take more because I think you could probably sell more than I could. All right, fine. I'll take...

I need you to take 144 of these things's one case i'll do 100 i'm putting i'm putting you down i can't give you 100 i gotta sell them by the case let me give you a case all right fine two cases that's 24 grand let's give you two cases that's 48 grand and what can i turn that into honestly if you sell them at retail like like at cost, at retail, like not even making that much of a profit, you lose $100 per water pick. This sucks for me. So $48,000 times two. Let me give you four cases. You're making bank with this.

Then I put my grind guard in, of course. My grind guard. Which is riddled with plaque and grease. I never touched that. You soak it in Coca-Cola all day. With my teeth. My computer almost fell off. Jesus Christ.

Somebody listening is just like, a mirror screeched in the middle of the... I only scream like water got too hot in the shower. That's my only way of screaming. I don't go, ah! I think I was scared once for real, and my scared scream is like... It was like, oh! You were shocked. Not like a, ah!

Or like, ah! But it was like, I, not like a, or like, but it was like, I was like pretty, pretty happily surprised that I at least You were aghast. Yeah, I was like aghast,

like, whoa, you know? When was that? No, it was actually more like, oh shit. And then it was like,

oh, I got this. And then I like, yeah, it was so like, I was freaked out and my natural response was like,

I'll handle it. That's what I meant to say. That's what you said when you saw a cockroach in a shower. Oh, I'll handle it. I'll handle it. All right, so you have carte blanche access to at least set it down to 72. I think you can set it down to 72. 72 is the perfect answer.

I wonder if you just like break it and you're like, your thermostat broke in the middle of the night. I guess you maybe set it way too high or something. And if he's like the type of guy that's like, you know, I'm going to spend a lot more money, you'd be like, all right, how much is the energy going to cost you to change it? Here's $20 for letting it crash on your couch. You can pay the difference. It was too – I was under the impression that it was cold outside, so the guy cranked up the thermostat. Huh. But you're saying it was

hot outside and this person didn't have their AC on. Yes. Interesting. That's a different way of looking at it. Then maybe you should ask for a fan. It is one thing to turn somebody's heat down, but it's another thing to turn somebody's air conditioning on.

I guess you could turn it on and give them a little bit of money. That's a nice idea. So you're saying if this guy had an air conditioner that he didn't turn on? If he is, like, sleeping no air conditioner in a house because he's trying to save money, then I think it's a little more rude to be like, I'm going to turn on this thing and waste your energy and cause you to lose a little cash. Rather than it's already on and set to 76. Then if it's on and it's cold out and you're heating the house to 76, then turning down the heat is at least... It's like you are saving him money.

It's less energy. Right. Yeah. I don't think it's so cold and he's heating his house to 76. I would assume it's hot outside and he's cooling it down to 76. Interesting. Either way, you can set it to 72. Let us know what you did.

Please. This was 21 years ago, so we'll see. We shall see. Really cool. Wow, first email ever. Crazy. Do you remember your first email address? Uh, yes, it was Jake Snake 2013 at Hotmail, I think. Jake Snake 2013? I believe so. Why 2013? I think it was my girlfriend's at the Times initials. It's TM 2013.

Oh, because T is the 20th letter and M is the 13th? Yeah. So Jake Snake and then a little homage to your GF at the time. I think as long as T is the 20th letter of the alphabet. All right. At Hotmail.com. At Hotmail.com. Good man.

Thanks, dude. What was yours? Boner Patrol. Well, that's your current email too. Yeah. But the O's are zeros. Is Boner Patrol an available domain by the by? Let's check it out.

Just in case we have to do a Squarespace ad in a bit. It's not available, but you can buy it from an auction site for two grand. That's it? Yeah. That's like less than the price of a case of water picks. That's right. Which, by the way, you do owe me. I don't want to pay.

We'll discuss offline. All right. That's it. That's our time. Thanks to Game Boy for coming by again. Thank you for having me. Oh. And thanks, Jake, for stopping by as well.

Yeah. Well, I'm always here. The Game Boy is the fucking guest. Get out of here, you fucker. Oh! Cool. We're on the road this week, so come see us. Shows in Atlanta.

Raleigh. Tickets still available. D.C. Philly. Tickets still available. And then finally, Brooklyn. Oh yeah, I wanted to say about Philly. People are saying that they can't go because it's 21 and over. But it's actually 21 and over. But it's actually 18 and over if you bring your mommy. You have to bring your mommy?

You could probably bring your daddy too, but... I bet it's 18 and over with anybody 21 and over. A guardian, yeah. That's what I think. And I wonder if they won't even check that. I wonder that too. And I wonder if these shows are sold out, if you can still buy a ticket if you go to the box office or something. Anything's possible. There's always a way to get more people in the venue.

Find a way. Find a way and have fun with us this week. For those of you who are looking to write emails to us asking your own questions or your own theme songs submissions, the email address for everything is at fireyoushow at gmail.com. The opening theme song was written by Isaac. This closing one was written by Charlie Busse. B-U-S-S-E? Busse? Busse?

Charlie Busse. Busse. Charlie Busse. Thanks, Isaac. Thanks, Charlie. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next week. Toad out.

Bye. Ciao. Jake and Amir. Jake and Amir. Jake and Amir. Jake and Amir. I can Amir, Jake and Amir I can't wait to hear if I were you like every week They give you fake names for your anonymity

This is if I were you the show, if I were you the show If I were you the show, if I were you the show They give you fake names for your anonymity I can't wait to hear If I were you like every week Jake and Amir will answer your questions Help you make a good impression With that cute girl in your class

They can even help you get some ass Milkman, milkman, milkman, milkman Milkman, milkman, milkman These dudes don't need no introduction, man Cause it's if I were you the show If I were you the show If I were you the's If I Were You, the show. If I Were You, the show. If I Were You, the show. If I Were You, the show.

I can't wait to hear If I Were You like every week. They give you fake names for your anonymity. Cause it's If I Were You, the show. If I Were You, the show. That was a Hate Gum podcast. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, That was a HeadGum Podcast.