Segments - 273: Shallow Boyfriend (Live in Denver!)

Episode Date: May 8, 2017

In this episode we discuss good friends, bad people, and ugly voices -- live at Comedy Works in Denver, CO! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. This was a fun one, our live show in Denver. I had a great time in Denver. Missed it already. The show was a fun one, our live show in Denver. I had a great time in Denver. Missed it already. The show was a blast.

They provided us with some high-quality audio recording of the show. Killing it, Denver. Thank you. And they even gave us a video of the show, so we're going to try to get that online within a couple days. If I plan this correctly, it might even be on our YouTube channel. Love that. YouTube.com slash If I Were You? Yeah, If I plan this correctly. It might even be on our YouTube channel. Love that. YouTube.com slash If I Were You?

If I Were You show. Perfect. But for now, enjoy this, our live recording at the Comedy Works in Denver. Deuces. Hey, give this guy a round of applause. Stand up! Stand up! They're not gonna do it. They're not gonna do it.. Stand up. Stand up.

They're not going to do it. They're not going to do it. No standing O for standing O. What are the odds your name starts with the letter O? Bad. Fuck. You know what? I'm still going to bet it.

What is your name? He could say bad and they still, like, the odds are bad. Yeah. That's true. Maybe it's like Oliver, but with an AU at the start, top, front. Oliver. Nachos. I love that. I love it, man.

Nothing like some nachos and some pod. Oh, no, I couldn't. Sure you can. Actually, fuck it. I'm lactose intolerant. But tonight, we're only in Dover once. Snort the cheese, man. Holy shish kebabs. once. Snort the cheese, man. Holy shishkabows.

Yes, he's the cheese. I forgot about that one. Very good. You guys are good. You listen to the podcast more than we do, which is saying a lot. We appreciate it. Did anybody drive here from a long ways away?

Boulder. Out of Boulder? You took a bus? You took a bus? Did you get a handjob on the bus? Three handjobs on a bus? Three handjobs in 43 minutes on the bus. All self-administered.

What? Yeah. But you go left, right, left. It's like a different person each time, except two from the left. Yeah, half of them were from you? How could half of three? You split?

So you doubled up with somebody? It was the driver. I knew it. Good man. Did anybody drive a bus? I was the other guy. Anybody drive a bus here? Didn't think so.

What a way to lose the audience real quick, right? Long shot. Well, the important thing is we're all here now. So thank you again for coming. Has anybody been to one of our live shows before and one of our live podcasts before? Yeah. All right, Clapper.

Not too many. Where did the Clapper see us? LA Chicago and LA? Austin Austin? Does anybody else know a city? It could just

Yeah Dover Dover yeah Is Dover's soul from Delaware? Huh? Huh? What are you fucking talking about fish for? Sorry about that, guys. Sure.

But that's so exciting because we've never been here before. We've never been to Colorado. We've never done a live show or a live podcast here. Yeah. First ever. First ever. Very excited to be part of history. It's very... Oh, that's really grandiose, man.

We're excited to be a part of history? What's the... Oh, that's really grandiose, man. We're excited to be a part of history? What's the most important thing that happened in Denver? Like, you could probably count it on one and a half

handjob fingers. That's like... What happened? The gold rush? No, that was a California thing, but... No, I know

there was 64. That's when the gold rush was here? Amendment 64. Oh's when the gold rush was here. No, Amendment 64. Amendment 64. Oh, that's the weed one. All right, you know what? I take it back.

Oh, that's pretty good. So we're number three. Not bad. That's actually not bad. That's actually really good. Actually, permission to vape? Denied. Okay.

Completely and utterly fair. They took their phones away. I shouldn't be able to... You could just smoke weed. That's it. Completely and utterly fair. They took their phones away. I shouldn't be able to... You could just smoke weed. That's it. Completely legal. It's like cigarettes. Everything's fine?

Because I called 911 on a pothead earlier. A gonjuman. Yeah, I remember that. He had dreadlocks. He was a dreadlock rastaf. You find it to be a gateway drug. Is that correct? Pretty soon he's going to be fucking a turtle. I was a dreadlock rap star. You find it to be a gateway drug, is that correct? Pretty soon he's going to be fucking a turtle.

I don't know what's next. Well, that's not a drug. That's just a... Well, it gets you high. It doesn't. It gets you by. Yeah. Very good.

Thank you. It's a... All right. Has anybody never heard our podcast at all before? It's okay to clap. Yeah. People dragged here by friends. I like that.

I like that. So more about fucking a turtle. You want to get between the head and the shell. There's this mucous membrane that separates the two. Oh. That's, I mean, that's murdering a turtle. Oh, yeah, it doesn't survive. But it's just a turtle.

I was envisioning something that was pleasureful for the turtle as well. Oh. Like you guys would simultaneously climax. Yeah. No. That's interesting. For those of you who have never heard it before, this podcast is how to fuck different animals.

Moving alphabetically along, vermin. Vermin? T-U-V-U? Is there a U animal? There has to be another one with T. But after T, you are? Oh yeah, probably not. Which brings us to U. What's a U animal?

Unicorns aren't real, but thank you. Oh yeah, urchin. I heard urchin. Sea urchin. The urchin fucks you, brother. So does the unicorn. Oh, good man. Good man. No, this is actually an advice show, an advice podcast.

We get emails from people all around the world. They're asking us for guidance. That makes sense. We're smart looking. And then what we do is answer as many questions as possible. Oftentimes, Jake and I are just by ourselves. It's lonely out there in Los Angeles. But sometimes we get to hang out with 300 of our closest, newest friends in Denver.

Denver! So if you guys don't mind, we're going to sit down and answer some questions for you. Is that all right? Oh, yeah. This is nice. This is nice. How do you do that?

So you unscrew it, and it lowers. And then you re-screw it. No, just remember to re-screw, probably at a height that's a little more comfortable for your neck, buddy. This is... I want to... This is like my texting position. Yeah.

I understand why your shoulders are hunched, but why are the legs so tightly together? In case I, like, see anything hot on my phone. Yeah. This is like, so what's a cool way to sit? I'll be like... That's pretty nice. Really? Yeah. This is like, so what's a cool way to sit? I'll be like, or whatever. That's pretty nice.

Really? Yeah. I can actually have a cigar. Well, you can't smoke in here. No. Or a joint, that's right. That's, I guess, legal to have but not to smoke in here, right? Fucking.

Very cool, Colorado. Bunch of squares. If I had it my way, you could smoke pot in a fucking hospital. I'm serious. A freaking children's cancer center.

Just bomb ripping. Why would you want to go there to smoke? Listen, we have more important issues to get to. Okay. I'll take out my phone.

Yeah, go ahead. I'm going to pour you a small glass of whiskey. This is a 21 and over show. We don't have very many 21 and over shows, so we can go blue. We already talked about

skull fucking a turtle. What's next? And getting butt effed by a unicorn. Or at least that's where my mind went. Mine too. All right, cool. So on my phone, the reason I'm looking, I'm not just being rude.

Although, let me check Twitter for a second. Ooh, interesting. Wow. The Wizards won. Can you believe that? Awesome. You win. I have in my phone some real emails from real people. All we need are some

fake names to preserve their anonymity. Crandis! Yeah! I heard Crandis and I gotta respect Crandis' hustle. Crandis was in the Portland, the Austin, the LA show. He's been everywhere.

Or she. Or she. Yeah. Do you think it's a she? I don't know. She's a pansexual beast. Yeah. Krandis, it's a them, their, thus type of thing. Those are Krandis' pronouns. It's a zur. And this one is a male.

Great. By the by. Cheers. Cheers to you. Alright, ready? by, cheers. Cheers to you. All right, ready? Oh, all right. I'll do it. Do you guys get drinks, too? Is that this kind of place? That's what's up, everybody. It's got to be Thursday somewhere,

you know what I mean? Do a shooie. What? Oh, do a shooie. Do a shooie. Fuck no, man. I already ruined one pair of shoes with a shoeie. What's the Denver equivalent of a shoeie?

Rocky Mountain Oysters? A what? So drinking it out of a bowl testicle? He says it's just weed. You smoke weed out of your shoe. So you pack it in the heel and you smoke out of the toe. Dab. Dab. That's a good call.

That was really cool. And I'll do that literally anytime you say dab. Dab! All right. Don't abuse it, though. Dab! Dab you very much. It's a compulsion. Alright.

Karandis writes, for the past year I have been having a lot of trouble finding a girl to get close with. I fell into sort of a slump, I guess you could say. A few weeks ago, a friend of mine was throwing a party for his girlfriend and insisted I come.

About halfway through the party, my friend starts making mean comments about one of his girlfriend's friends. It's true. She wasn't attractive. A real smog show, in fact. But there was no need to point it out. Anyway, party winds down, and I find myself alone with this girl. My instincts kicked in and I was determined to bust my slump. Despite her smog show state, this girl was a surprisingly good bang. We exchanged numbers and have been hanging out five nights a week ever since. Which is actually really cool. I get along with her better than any other girl before her.

There's just one problem. I can't be... I didn't write this. There's just one problem. I can't be seen with her in public. Even though I'm starting to fall for this girl, I'm very worried

my friends will make fun of me. Still, I don't want to stop hanging out with her because she really gets me. So, what should I do? Love, Crandis. Crandis. Ah, geez, man.

She doesn't really get him because she doesn't know that he's a Cretan, right? She totally understands that I don't want to be seen with her. You can see the cracks of this bro trying to come out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know what I'm feeling for this uggo, but I can't be seen with her, right? Yeah. Or can I? Because I think I love her. It's sentimental Kanye. Yeah. Eh. Eh.

He did go from slump He busted out of his slump and went on a fucking streak That's cool Respect I think it's cool to be hanging out with somebody That's deemed conventionally unattractive Because it makes you A good person

You don't care about that Thus you're not shallow I think if you're thinking about it this hard a good person. You don't care about that. Thus, you're not shallow. I think if you're thinking about it this hard, you do go back to being a bad person. Yeah. It's like a pool with two deep ends. So we want it to scoot from one to the other. Standing, standing, standing.

Drowning, drowning, drowning. Or you want to be in the deep end? No, I want him to be... Where do you want this guy to be? Out of the pool. Of course. He can't swim. It's freezing.

I feel, I mean, I feel like we can, we should make fun of this guy because he's so flippant about somebody else's appearance. And it's someone that he seemingly is falling in love with. Right. He's a rude man. He's a rude man. is falling in love with. Right. He's a rude man. He's a rude man. He's a rude man. But that's true.

I think it's based in ignorance and not meanness. Like, he's almost like a caveman. Yeah. Do I do this?

I do want to give him a little bit of respect for coining smog show. I like that a lot. So I want to, like, going forward, use that. Like, for instance, this guy is a smog show on the inside.

Oh, I see. So a smog show is male or female attractive. Yeah, a smog show is male or female ugly. So this guy's a smog show on the inside. And his girlfriend's a smog show on the outside. It's interesting because you don't usually see those two kinds of people pairing up. Yeah, it's almost more rare than a really hot couple. Wait a second.

I'm ugly but my boyfriend's an asshole. Yeah, you never thought that I would like, I'm so unattractive, you never thought that I'd have a shallow boyfriend, did you? This is actually pretty interesting. I think this is the plot of Shallow Hell. This is what it's about. So what's the advice? He needs to, you got to just, yeah, you got to just be proud of being in love.

Does she have a good ass or what? That's a good question. Does she have a good ass or what? that's a good question you know what it went from like you have to be proud to be in love and then somebody says does she have a good ass and that is what's really important yeah I think that she does have a good ass cause she was a surprisingly great bang yeah

what? she's the girl Oh she's the girl Maybe she has a great ass So I say You gotta go for it Embrace her Physically and emotionally Take her out for a spin on the town

And you could wear her disguise She could be seen And you don't have to be. What? That's the fucking perfect plan. No. I'm just saying, if he's like, I can't be seen with her and he's worried about, he could be in disguise.

That's so offensive. I know. But I'm just giving him lots of, I'm giving him a couple extra options. One, be proud. She's got a great ass. Two, you go in disguise. Yeah, that's it. So one, judge a person by the content of her character, her personality. If she makes you smile, that's all that's important.

And then the other one is like you could get a mustache and glasses and a little cap and no one will ever know who you are. Okay. So those are two equally good options. Yeah. I think so. Thank you. Let's give it up for Krandis. He's trying.

He's trying. I just want to push him in the right direction. Yeah. But I'm glad that he's considering it is all. Do we have another male name? Damn, Gertrude. Gertrude? Oh, Surge dude.

Surge. Yeah, I got you, Surge. Yeah, Surge, man. Let me ask you a question, man. Oh, actually, why don't we do Gertrude? Because it's a female name. Whoa. All right.

So a female that rhymes with Gertrude. Wait, it rhymes with or is Gertrude? Rhymes with Serge Dude. Rhymes with Serge Dude. Is Gertrude. Gertrude. Yo, Gertrude. Gertrude, let's play Guess Who, man.

All right, Gertrude writes, I'm a 21-turning 22-year-old female from Western Canada who needs help with the following shamefully superficial scenario. See? It can go both ways. Yeah, mostly it's the other way, though. Okay.

Last week, this guy came up to me in the library and asked me out. He appeared normal enough. He had a nice voice. And I appreciated his boldness. So I gave him my number. He called me. Yes, actually called me

a couple days later to make sure I was real and to also inform me of his opposition to the impersonal nature of texting. Weird, but fair, I guess. Despite my growing hesitation, I agreed to drinks the following Monday. Turns out, he has a great personality. He's well-traveled, very charming,

and we share similar values and interests. Overall, the conversation came easy, and I enjoyed the evening. But here's the thing. I'm not attracted to him physically. I know. It's what's on the inside that counts. She wrote that kind of sarcastically. But there are a couple of aspects to his appearance

that are keeping me from being smitten. Namely? One of which is his unibrow. Oh. I try to remain focused on his eyes, but when my gaze inevitably ventures upwards, I can't help but think of a young Frida Kahlo. He also has a gross mouth and is a bad kisser.

She kissed him! This is you. My eyebrows are fucking dope, dude. So my questions are, if I did want to pursue this, what's the best way to suggest for him to pluck? Is it possible for me to teach him how to kiss? Or if I decide I'm really into it,

how do I, sorry, if I decide I'm really not into it, how do I let this guy down? And more importantly, is being smitten even a thing? I know you two tend to advise people out of sticky situations, but what do you think you can help this girl out of a hairy one?

Oh! Love, Gertrude. Gertrude. All right, Gertrude. All right, yeah. Keep it up. So much like Crandice, Gertrude has a stumbling block towards being in love. I mean, it's really nice how much she's trying to forgive him, too.

She's like, the one attractive quality that he has is that he's so ugly that she admires his boldness in talking to her. Yeah. I'm impressed that you don't just hide under a bridge most of the time. Good on you. I've never heard of somebody being attracted to a nice voice. I never thought about that. Have you ever thought of someone

with a nice voice? I think that's because you have a really dewy, nasally voice. Oh, is that what they're all... Yeah. But, like, I have this sort of, like, silky, sexy voice.

Like, nobody's ever attracted to my voice. No one's ever, like, talked dirty to me. Yeah! Like, oh, I'm deep inside of you. Oh, you like that. That is all.

Can I talk you off? Maybe if you sit on my throat, there's enough vibration for me to get you off. Eee-off! You're an ass. I'm-off! You're an ass! I'm so sorry. You're a donkey! That was just a...

Holy shit. Wow. I have been choking on a peanut for 21 years. You're a fucking farm animal, man. I gravely apologize. Is that a thing? Are ladies attracted

to a guy's voice? Yes! Are guys ever attracted to a woman's voice? No! Oh. And this is what's wrong with the world. Yeah. to a guy's voice? Are guys ever attracted to a woman's voice? No. And this is what's wrong with the world. Alright, but back to this

kind of superficial girl. This guy's great, great values, awesome personality, great boldness. He's well-traveled, but he has a square inch of hair right above his nose, so should she break up with him forever? I think you can...

I think you can get rid of... If it's only this, this is... That's a bridge that can be torn down. Is there a mic off? Huh? I think they turned it off on purpose when I was saying, can I talk you off in a really, really loud and obnoxious

voice. And that's fair, Mr. Soundman. So, okay. you off in a really really loud and obnoxious voice and that's fair mr. soundman so okay so what you're saying is this girl can and should change and shave this man I think she should shave the man yeah or wax the man I think you like yeah you mentioned it I right you mentioned it you know if this was the other way around I I'd be like, you know what, this girl has the right to live her life in the same way she desires.

You shouldn't tell her to do anything. Don't change her, love it, or leave it. Right, that's the woke podcast that we do.

But since it's the other way around, I think she should tell him to shave. There's been fucking generations and generations. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking hold him down

and shave him. I've been changed a lot for and by ladies. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking hold him down and shave him. I've been changed a lot for and by ladies. Yeah. They know best. Girls tell me to grow and shave my beard all the time, and I do that. Just like when you say dab, I listen. You got to give the people what they want. Shave the guy.

Teach him how to be a better kisser. I think you don't even have to. Don't say you're a bad kisser. Let me teach you. Just like, it's how to be a better kisser I think I think you don't even have to don't like say you're a bad kisser let me teach you just like it's gonna be fine you'll like

you'll be good at that yes it is true motherfucker did are you wait tell me tell me why you think that bad kissers never improve

you're a bad teacher. Also, bad students never improve. To detention with you, Mr. With a bottom. And only losers practice. You better be good the first time. Or you'll be bad forever. Forever.

And I know because no one kisses like this. Wow. That was awesome. We should make out sometime. I think kissing can be improved. And de-proved. Yeah, I just think you don't have to have a conversation about it. I heard it.

I think that you don't have to have a conversation about it. Oh, I heard it. I think that you can just ease him towards kissing better. That's going to be fine. I've been with plenty of bad kissers that you just silently coach. In a bad kissing pie chart, what do you think is the biggest segment? Too much tongue? Too much tongue. Not enough teeth. This is you pulling away from a kiss on a first date.

Why, if you filled out this survey, I could improve. Would you mind rating me? And subscribe. I can speed it up or slow it down. And subscribe. I can speed it up or slow it down. Speed it up. Most people want that. So I do speed it up. I go like this.

Oh, no tongue. Yeah, I'm like a little chipmunk eating an acorn. Interesting. And what are you doing with your hands when you're kissing like that? Hummingbird fingers. Moving so rapidly. And are your feet standing on the ground? Oh, no. No?

I am hovering inches above the ground. Insane. You're magic. I'm a hummingbird man. I'm hummingbird from the neck down and squirrel from the neck up. I can see that. I'm a little squirrel boy.

I'm a motherfucking squirrel boy. It's a... I didn't like that. Star boy. Yeah. I didn't like it. Parody. I know.

It's a satire, actually. I'm holding a mirror to society. No, you're not. What else is there? Too much tongue? Too much teeth? What else is bad about this? When you just sort of, like, dead fish the tongue? Just, like, tongue in the mouth and don't move it around? How would that look?

That's like, well, here, lean in. Oh, yeah. Oh, I see. So, let's consider a good bet. It's hard to say. That's awesome, dude. We should really tell Jeff that that draws applause. Let's not.

All right. I'd hate for it to go to his head. I don't want him to ask for a raise. Shave him is the answer? I think you could shave him or wax him or pluck him, but I think you can do that. I think you're within your rights to ask, maybe pluck him. You got to dab him. Skip it.

Dab it. Bop it. Jump it. Shave it. Dab it. Dab it. And the very best thing of all. That's skip it. It's a different it. Shave it. Dab it. Dab it. And the very best thing of all... Let's skip it.

It's a different toy. Yep, definitely. So dab it. Dab it. Why don't we answer some non-superficial questions? Let's get fucking real for once, Denver. Can we get another guy's name? Tampon. Tampon.

Tampon. So we moved away. I'm wondering if you came here to yell tampon or if that came to your head just now. He thinks he's out of privacy. Oh, you said it. It was your idea to say tampon? No? All right, cool.

Yeah, totally. Tampon. You're right. Go ahead. Dab you very much. Dab you. Okay. So many people are eating nachos right now.

I can't hear anything except for the crunch. It's making me need to pull out my fucking beard. Sorry, my mom was killed at a Tostitos factory. And even just a fucking hint of lime gets me. She drowned in a scoop. You can imagine. A scoop the size of a jacuzzi Just scoopy Nice

Thank you Ahoy boys I need Jake's wisdom regarding sex Yes I'm an 18 year old gymnast Who has recently been accepted to go to a Canadian national championship, but I suck at gymnastics,

so I'm mostly there to lose my virginity. After the competition, after the competition, there's a dance that involves booze, so I intend to do a lot of dancing, drinking, grinding, making out, the whole shebang.

I'd also like to take a special lady back to my hotel room, but there are a few complications. One, I can dance and chat fine, but I don't know how to ask a girl back to my room. Two, I can dance and chat fine, but I don't know how to ask a girl back to my room. Two, I'll have a roommate and need to know how to keep him out. Three, guys and girls aren't allowed in each other's rooms,

so I would have to sneak her in somehow without the coaches seeing. Solutions to these problems and a solid plan would be greatly appreciated. Help me seize some hot Quebecois cheese. Love, Tampon. Okay. Is it clear to anybody else that Tampon's not going to lose

his virginity on the trip? I mean, he's trying to figure out how to... All these little hurdles. The biggest one is that nobody's going to want to fuck him. Yeah, he's trying to figure out how to rob a bank. He's like, my questions are, what should I invest my winnings in? What should I do with a bag of cash that I escaped from the bank? How do I make sure my friends don't judge me for this heist?

Yeah. Excuse me? What? Never mind. Oh, wait, your microphone went off again. Oh, all right. You're fucking with me. I love it. Never mind Oh wait your microphone went off again Oh alright You're fucking with me I love it So

Jiggle it Tell me Tell me one more time It's a boy that's a gymnast correct And that's fine And That is fine. They're small and strong.

Oh, here comes one now. Backflip, backflip, backflip. Oh! Ten! Oh, yeah, he does suck at gymnastics. I guess in gymnastics terms, he wants to know gymnastics. I guess in gymnastics terms, he wants to know how to stick the landing.

Oh. Very good. Very good. But yeah, he's trying to, but he hasn't even choreographed the floor routine yet. Oh, he has not. He wants, I guess let's just go question by question. Let's see if we can provide some insight.

I don't know how to ask a girl back to my room. I think if things are going great, you don't really have to, like, you don't have to, like, walk up and be like, hi,

my name's Tampon and I'd like you to come back to my room. We've got a couple hiccups, you're not allowed there and I have a roommate, but we'll figure that shit out. If you're, like,

dancing, grinding, making out, you could sort of just be like, should we go back that shit out. If you're like dancing, grinding, making out, you could sort of just be like, should we go back to my room? That part's going to be easy if you're there. Don't worry, you won't be there. Next question. I'll have a roommate and need to know how to keep him out.

Nice, dude. You tell the roommate beforehand like, hey, I'm going to try to get laid. If you come back and there's a little rubber band on the door, you just chill for a little bit and I'll let you back in afterward. Again, this will not be a problem. It's not

going to happen. You can tell your roommate 99% sure you will be able to sleep here tonight, but just in case. I don't even have a fucking rubber band. Let alone a rubber. Nice, dude. Be safe, everybody.

Number three. Girls and guys aren't allowed in each other's rooms, so I would have to sneak her in somehow without the coaches seeing. That's cool. I think that the coaches on these trips sort of turn a little bit of a blind eye because there's like a lot of people

hooking up and fucking and stuff. Again, not you. So just sort of like follow everybody else's lead if it if it gets there but it won't all right anything else solutions to these problems and a solid plan would be great he needs the solutions sure but he also in, in addition... A solid plan. A solid plan. He barely know anything about the fucking event. I can't give him a lay of the land. I don't know where the dancing is, you know? It's after the competition. Is it in a hotel ballroom or is it in a club?

It's in a club. Oh, really? Did he add a P.S. to the email? Yep, P.S. it's in a club. Actually, really? Did he add a P.S. to the email? Yep, P.S. It's in a club. Actually, it just said P.S. Club. Which I didn't get until you asked. Okay. All right, we're wishing you the best tampon.

Our fingers crossed are for you. I mean, Godspeed. Prove me wrong, please. Ooh. Do I? Yeah, give it to me. Jake is switching microphones.

That's what's up. Wireless, dude. Love that. Actually, we're about half an hour-ish or so in, so why don't we take a break?

We'll talk to these fine people while those listening at home. Yeah. Here's some advertisements. Let's get a round of applause for the break. Yeah. Here's some advertisements. Let's get a round of applause for the break. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love.

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And we're back. Alright. That was fun. We talked about your toe a lot. Yeah, that was mostly my turf toe injury that I got in Hawaii. It's now 3 a.m. in Denver. You went on. You waxed philosophical about the toe for six and a half hours. Mostly

slam poetry. But everybody is still here and we appreciate that. Do you guys want to answer some more questions? Maybe you can help us out. If you're listening to this, we're going to be in Tempe tomorrow, but... Oh, come on. It's too late. It's way too late. What do you think about holding straws like this?

I actually... I disdain it. I didn't realize that you've been doing it for a long... Have you been doing it for a bit? Just like as if it's a joint. Is that been doing it for a bit? Just like a... As if it's a joint. Is that how you would hold a joint? Oh, yeah.

It looks like you're holding, like, a Cruella de Vil cigarette. Oh, yes. We simply must remove the Dalmatians. Your wrist is so limp. Why did Cruella just want to kill dogs? That's insane. That was a villain.

That was a villain, man. And fucking's insane. That was a villain. That was a villain, man. And fucking Ursula. That was a fucking villain. Now we have fucking what? Trump? That guy's not killing any dogs. He's not fucking any mermaids. I don't know, man.

I don't know if we should be drawing equivalency to Trump and Ursula. Yeah, I guess he's not that fat. Neat man. Ariel was greedy. What? She has 20 thingamabobs and she wants more? Who cares? No big deal. I want more.

I feel like she's... But she's talking about wanting more than just her life under the sea. Like life above. Under the sea. Under the sea. You guys should see that movie. It was really good. It's about this fish loser chick

who becomes a hot girl that can't talk. So the perfect woman. She's the hottest you can be. You either have gills or you can't talk. So the perfect woman, which is the hottest you can be, you either have gills or you can't fucking speak. With a flat head so you can put a beer on her.

Don't applaud. Don't applaud. Alright, this is the most woke podcast there is. Alright, let's try to answer a few more questions. I mean, we're already here. I love the lights.

Put your hand in the air. Watch out. See this. What? I don't know. Can you get a guy? Actually, point to someone in the back and get a name from them. Right there, because we skipped over that.

It's a guy. No, right over there. All right, give me a boy's name. Paul. Oh, you were not ready for this. What was it? Amir. Regis Philbin.

You take... I heard Regis Philbin, and I do appreciate it, but you take all the time in the world, and you come up with a name. We could be here for days. A guy's name. No, you're not. You're turning around.

It's you, right in dead center. Right there. A guy's name. We could be here for days. A guy's name. No, you're not. You're turning around. It's you, right in dead center. Right there. A guy's name. Toby? That's pretty good. Toby is a guy's name. Toby. Toby.

Give it up for Toby. Alright, let's get a real good one, though. Toby was neat. I'm kidding. No, no, Toby. Toby, Toby, Toby. We can't do that. Like the band. Tony, Tony, Tony. Wait, Toby or Tony?

She just... Tony the Tiger or Toby, like, Toby McGuire? Tony the Tiger? Alright, now I McGuire? No. Tony the Tiger? Alright, now I actually do want a different name. I thought she was saying Totany, like Rodney, but Rodney, but Totany. That's pretty good, too.

So let's go to Totany. Totany writes, my ex-girlfriend just floated the idea of going to a musical festival with my mom. This seems weird as fuck to me. She texts me periodically and I respond which is fine.

I suppose she still keeps in touch with my mom which is fine, I guess. But I broke up with her because I don't want her in my life anymore. Anyway, the idea of her going to a three-day music festival with my mom just goes way too far, in my opinion. The ex seems, like, unaware that this is weird. Should I tell my ex to fuck off with this noise? Should I say that's cool and then ask my mom to say no?

Am I being a diva bitch about all this? Maybe Jake can help me out because he's had similar problems with his exes. And his mother. Although this... My mother does nothing wrong. She's a saint. She's a queen. She's a goddess.

But yeah, she talks to my exes a little too much sometimes. Although this isn't quite as dastardly as my mom telling my ex that I failed out of college. Telling to step off my mother. Love toadney. Toadney. A toad's knee. I am so curious what festival it is.

Are you? I assume every music festival is Coachella. Well, Coachella's happening now. Yeah. So there's a chance that this ex is on ex. Nice. With his mom. Rolling face with Mama McGuire. Totany McGuire.

Will you fucking make out with me? Your son won't and I just want your fucking DNA on me. If I threw away kiss your mom and your dad, that's like we're still together. Jesus. That's the kind of weird fucking realizations you have at music festivals.

Yeah, and that's awesome. That's why we fucking go. You're dehydrated in the EDM tent listening to the chain smokers talk about fucking Boulder. Yeah, was that song more popular here near Boulder? More popular? It was so insanely popular. You think it could be more popular here in Denver?

Yeah, equal it sounds. Equal. We'll never know. And we don't want to. Would you tell your... I don't think you could tell your girlfriend what to do. I think you gotta go to your mama. I guess you don't have to be like...

If she's like, hey, I'm gonna ask your mom to fucking electric zoo or something. We're gonna road trip to Knoxville. Yeah, you don't have to... I'm gonna go to Bonnaroo with your mom. With your mamaroo. This sounds like a fucking threat.

If you don't come, I'm going to bring your mother. Yeah. How's that? It sounds like she's like playing a game where it's like, I have to go to Bonnaroo with your mother.

And make her cheat on your dad. Jesus, what a weird game of MASH you're playing. And we're going to live in a shack with Shaq and have nine kids. Can you tell your ex-girlfriend what to do? You can't tell her what to do, or you can, but she doesn't have to listen.

But you could say, you don't have to be like, it's fine. Go ahead, ask my mom. She can live her life. You could be like, ask her, but that's fucking weird. I'd prefer if you didn't.

You can say these little things. Like, you don't have to be like, so chill about it. And then to your mommy, what do you say to mommy? I think you gotta be like, Mama! Don't do Molly!

With Molly! Sorry, don't do that voice, it turns me on a little too much. Really? Yeah, I just like that you... Yeah, no, it's like, God, it's so hot. You're coming! Yeah. I'm trying to just, I'm overheating.

Ga ga ga ga goo goo! Oh! Oh, the game! That's how the Game Boy was born. Someone talked him into existence. You're saying don't say anything to Mom? I think you go to Mom rather than the girlfriend. You go straight to Mom? Yeah.

So you say to the girlfriend, Yeah, ask my mom. That's awesome. She should get out more. She only mostly hangs out with my dad. Yeah. She you say to the girlfriend, yeah, ask my mom. That's awesome. She should get out more. She only mostly hangs out with my dad. Yeah. She has a book club this Saturday, but I'll see if she can instead roll face with you

while listening to Bell and Sebastian in a fucking field. Instagram stories of your mom making out. Fucking twerking on stage. Avicii, poor champ, pained down her ass crack. She's on BuzzFeed. She's a fucking gif.

Nine moms that know how to get it and one that's a fucking embarrassment to her son. She's a gilf. Oh, a gif I'd like to film. Film. Film? Gifil. Yeah. Gifil to film

What do you think You think you can say So you think you say something to the mom I think you say Mommy don't you dare You breastfed me mommy And that was enough Sorry so you

I don't You breastfed me And that was enough for you To do with your life And now you're good You don't get to have fun me, and that was enough for you to do with your life. And now you're good? You don't get to have fun, Mama. You peaked when I was two, Mother.

No more life for you, Mommy. I've already sucked you dry, Mother. I sucked the life from you. You mustn't rent a house in Indio, Mother. I don't care if there's a hashtag dope pool, mama. You don't get to go. Dab. Dab. Did you say dab or dad?

Dad. It is dad's call. Oh, yeah, why don't you go to your daddy? Oh, I don't think you need to go over. Oh, daddy. You'll never guess what mama's doing this weekend. The women are conspirating against Oh, daddy. You'll never guess what mama's doing this weekend. The women are conspiring against us, father.

That's right. My ex and your current are canoodling. Down at I Wish I Knew More Music Festivals. What's another one? Austin City Limits. Yeah. Governor's Ball. Oh, yeah. Lightning in a Bottle. Lightning in a Bottle's a good one.

That's right. Mama's yeah. Lightning in a bottle. Lightning in a bottle is a good one. That's right. Mama's renting an air bed in bed. She says it's a real chill spot. Oh, you could just invite your girlfriend's, ex-girlfriend's dad to Burning Man. Oh. And you're like, I'm going to be out of the fucking desert with your old man for a week.

I'd love that. Really? Yeah, he's a dentist and he doesn't get out much. Oh, hey, kiddo, I'm really excited. Rips off his shirt, nipple rings. Of course. John B. McLemore style. Yo.

Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. S-Town, what's up? Who has time for one more question? We're at the last one already. We've been here for about an hour, but I like our chances. We have one more lady question.

Becky! Becky? That was so fast. You guys had Toby. You had girl names ready? Becky, you came with ready? And then it took you five fucking minutes to come up with Tony?

Which is a girl's name. Toby could have been a girl's name. The last name's gonna be Becky because I respect your hustle. First name from way back there. Olivia. Gordita. Oh, Gordita.

Gordita Becky. Gordita's her first name. Her parents are that high all the time. That's right. Oh, I feel like I'm pregnant. Oh, shit, I am. Gordita. Gordita. Gordita.

Oh, it's cheesy. Fiesta potato. Yo, Kiero, spend the rest of my life with you. No. Absolutely no. That's fair. No. You're ab amusing me now.

And I love you for it. Gordita Becky. Gordita Becky writes, My best friend has a habit of cheating on her husband. Not really a habit. This always happened when she's been drinking and is blacked out. Last weekend, she was in town visiting for my birthday, and after a lot of partying,

her and a couple of my friends came back to my place. She ended up on top of some guy in my bed, and I ended up sleeping in the bathtub to get away from all the moaning. I live in a studio. Good on you. The next day she woke up embarrassed and guilty and called her husband as she always does and told him that she was

blacked out when it happened and she was taken advantage of like she always does. He's now mad at me saying I should have taken better care of her on my birthday and she's off the hook again should I tell her husband what I really saw he thinks she is an innocent angel that can do no wrong I do feel guilty for not intervening but I was drunk too and sick of having to stop her from being her slutty self.

Love, Gordita Becky. This husband sounds pretty chill. Yeah. He's like, oh babe, babe, babe, don't worry about it. I know that's not on you. No, I had a beer. You did?

Who lets you have a beer, sweetie? My fucking best friend. Oh, I was, I had a beer. You did? Who let you have a beer, sweetie? My fucking best friend. Oh. And then I fucked my guys. Oh, Olivia, you cunt. You absolute wench. You wench, Olivia. What have you done?

You cheated on me. You did. Come to think of it, I also had a white wine. You had a what? A white wine. A white wine? A white wine. What color was the wine, Olivia? Why can't you hear me? I'm saying a white wine. You had a what? A white wine. A white wine? A white wine. What color was the wine,

Olympia? Why can't you hear me? I'm saying a white wine. What do you mean, what wine? A what wine? No, a white wine. A wet wine? No, a white. When did you have the wine? When wine? In between fuck

sessions. Oh, I could not hear that. Put your friend on the phone. I don't want to talk to you or the guy you cheated on me with. I want to talk to somebody who was there. I'm at my wits end. You slept in the bathtub, did you?

You're responsible for this mess. You can't really intervene from the tub, can you? I trusted you. Not her. Is it cheating if you're drunk? Yeah. See, that's when I agree.

Here's the thing, man. You do a lot of really stupid shit when you're drunk. I'm not excusing it. It is cheating. But I feel like I'm gonna just back away from this. Yeah. All the way. I'm gonna slowly stop

where I was going. Because the decisions that you make when you're drunk aren't yours, because you made the decision to get drunk in the first place. So if you're somebody that cheats on somebody all the time, and then you're like, I'm going to get drunk, you're sort of saying,

but a little bit lying to yourself that you're going to cheat on somebody. Wouldn't you say? Or, what if you're a really observant Jew, you have other people do shit. Bring everything back to this, by the way. So if you're a really observant Jew, you can't do anything on Saturdays.

So you hire people to turn on light switches for you. Or you set an elevator to go up automatically up and down, so you're not pressing any buttons. So what if you hire Scott Free in heaven when God is like, did you? Sorry, in 1994, did you press a button?

No, I hired a Catholic. No, it wasn't me. I swear. My coat hit it on the way. Sorry, dude. You have to go to hell. You know my rule. But Jews don't believe in hell. Sliding down. What does happen then?

You're fine. So wait. If Jews don't believe in hell, and you have to do all this shit to get into heaven, what happens if you don't get into heaven? It's still heaven? These are questions I should have asked at Hebrew school. But fuck it. I'm asking

you right now. I believe there is the Olam Haba, which is the world to come, of course. Of course. Any other Jews here in Colorado? Can you confirm that for me? The only ones here. But there's no Jewish hell. It's not a fear-based paste.

Which brings me to my invention idea. A fear paste. I put it on your skin and you're scared. You know Dreamcatchers? So this is a fear paste. You smear it on your walls and the nightmares get stuck.

Thoughts? Well, that's sort of what a dream catcher is. Yeah. I don't think you could get the patent on this one. Back to my original plan for this girl who can get away with cheating as long as she doesn't drink. You force other people to make you drink. What?

I'm gonna fall asleep with my mouth open. If a funnel should end up in my mouth or ass, I'm not gonna stop it. I feel like this isn't the question that they asked. What?

You're answering the question as if it's like the girl that wrote in and she's like, how do I get drunk without my own permission so I can cheat on my husband and say that I was drunk and someone else got me drunk. What was the question? Because I'm pretty sure I said fake nap while somebody sticks a funnel in your ass. And then there was the whole fear paste thing. Yeah, that was a sidetrack. Okay,

let's go with the fear paste. Final answer. If you're the friend, what do you do? Do you level with the husband? I feel like he's in so much, what's it called when you, denial. Yeah. Yeah, he's in denial.

He can't get cheated on because his wife is constantly wasted. And when she's wasted, she's now responsible for her actions, somebody else's, and it's not even the guy, it's the friend who let it happen. Why don't you distance yourself like you did earlier from the entire

situation? I still say you sleep in the bathtub. Here's what you do. You want to fade away from your friend's husband? I guess fine. That sort of works, but here's what I think you should do. I think you should do I think you should

I think you You hook up with the girl The wife Not girlfriend That's fucking serious cheating That's real shit You hook up with her Right?

And then The husband is like Oh you got her drunk And then you say No I didn't Oh Actually you don't even have to hook up with her Get her

Have her drink apple juice or something. So she thinks she's drunk. She acts drunk. She cheats on it. It's a placebo. It's fucking sugar water. And then she cheats on her husband, and he's like, you got her drunk?

And then you're like, no. She just doesn't like your dick. For those of you listening at home, Jake just took his dick out. And we're back to a standing ovation. More than I deserve. Guys, I think that's our time. Did you guys have fun tonight?

Guys, thank you so much for coming. We appreciate it. Thank you.