Segments - 274: Butts and Butts

Episode Date: May 15, 2017

In this episode we talk about geography, flatulence, and the unbearable lightness of woke. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct.

And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards. And if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do. I do. Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy.

That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general. But I still have. You're a fan of gambling. Yes, of course. You're a fan of gambling in yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which

is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action pass is? Like these are like some advanced things that I know that you wouldn't. I basically know run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah. Running is when you run and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings pick six app.

Select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose to put some money on you select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat it's that simple and for all first time pick six players check this out new customers play five dollars on your first pick set and get fifty dollars in pick six credits very cool download the new draft kings pick six app now and use code SEGMENTS. That's code SEGMENTS for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in Pick 6 credits only on DraftKings Pick 6.

The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregonconnecticut. Must-withdrawable Pick 6 credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right.

Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. I can't forget about the things I said when I was drunk. I better email Into a chew and a hunk They'll help me out And probably make fun of me Please help me Take it to me

Tell me what would you do If you Had this to be me Will you please help me Have you happened to be me? Will you please help me? I know where I'm going. Whoa. Was that trill or what?

That was fucking dope, man. What's that song? That's Lit, My Own Worst Enemy. No, guess again. Really? Yeah. It's close. It's close. It is that. What? It is.

Try again, my friend. No, I'm right. It's on the tip of your tongue. It was on the tip of my tongue, then I said it, and it was it. It's actually a lit song, so you're right about that. Okay. And the song name was? It's called My Own.

That's what I said. That's it. It's just called My Own? Sorry, Worst Enemy. Oh, you had to scroll a little bit. Yeah. All right, so I'm right. What?

Good man. Great song. That was written by Jordan Becker, and you'll never guess what state he's from. Ooh, Indiana? Close, but no. Ohio? No. Pennsylvania?

Uh-uh. Illinois? No. What's below Ohio? Oh, Kentucky. No. What's below Kentucky? Missouri?

No. Connecticut? below Kentucky? Missouri. No. Connecticut. Uh-uh. Let's go New York. Nope. North Carolina. Incorrect. South Carolina.

False. Georgia. Wrong. Florida. Nope. Oklahoma. Not that. Texas.

No. Arizona. Absolutely not. Tennessee. Nope. West Virginia. He's not from West Virginia. Regular old Virginia. He's not from West Virginia. Regular old Virginia.

He's not from regular Virginia. New Hampshire? Vermont? No. Maine? No, he's not from Maine. It's West Coast, boy. Not necessarily.

Yep. But let's just go Washington State? Nope. Have I really not gotten it? I have not. Oregon? No. California?

Wrong. Idaho? Yes! Really? Yeah! Nailed it in one! Oregon No California Wrong Idaho Yes Really? Yeah Nailed it in one Wow I never thought you'd get it

My god Good man Guess when his birthday is I could probably get that faster No Alright That was Jordan Becker From Idaho

He's got a He's got a band camp Jordan jordanbecker.bandcamp.com. Excellent, brother. So good work on that. Yeah, great song. His voice sounded like the guy from Lit. Yeah. That's kind of hard to pull off.

Dude killed it. A vocal impersonator. And it sounded like he recorded all that stuff himself. Like, that wasn't the original. Right. It didn't just, like, karaoke. Like, he laid down a drum track. Oh, you think he did it and then sang over it?

Or he, like, performed it while he was, like, he did the song while he was? I don't know. It's like, he's got, like, the full band that they all did it together. If he, like, is laying down the tracks, you know? That's cool. He should be part of our band. What's our band? Our band.

We don't have a band. Quality Control? Oh, God. What a lame name. Why? We do rapcore. So we do a lot of rap, but sort of synthy. Synthy rap?

It's like, yo, yo, are you go? I don't think so. Yo, yo, are you go? I don't think so. Or you say Ari Gold. I don't think so. Yo, yo, are you go? I don't think so. Or you say Ari Gold. I don't think so. Ari Gold. It's sort of like fan fiction rap about Entourage.

Yeah. So that one is written by Lloyd. So it's like Lloyd and Ari finally hook up. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. My name is Amir Blumenfeld. My name is Jacob Pencooper Hurwitz. And we're back from the road. We did our shows. Survived, but barely. Did we thrive? You know what? I would say I think we thrived. We thrived. I think we throve on the rove. Yeah. We did

five shows, five states, five days, five nights. Meeting people was very fun. The shows were great. Like every day we traveled and performed. Yeah. It's hard to do that. But we somehow did it. We both sat on a train and on a stage. Yeah. We would fly.

I guess our jobs, yeah, when you think about it like that, we have easy jobs. Yeah. But it's draining. It's draining. It's actually pretty draining. Mom.

It's actually, yeah. I'm an introvert, so this is not easy. Are you? Yeah, I think so. An introvert? I believe so. I'm an introvert, so this is not easy. Are you? Yeah, I think so. An introvert? I believe so. I took those tests.

I don't know. And it said that you prefer, you're more introverted than extroverted. Yeah. Interesting. Because you meet and perform a lot. You meet a lot of people. I think what I heard is that, like, does it, like, leave you feeling charged and excited when you meet people and you're out and, like, with friends and stuff? Or does it, like, leave you feeling emotionally drained and tired?

Oh. So the rock is actually energized by meeting all those people? I don't know how the rock personally feels, but maybe so. That's interesting. Yeah, because I feel drained after meet and greets. So that means I'm an introvert? Yeah. But there's, like, I think there's, like, in's like in between stuff. You're not like full introvert.

There's like, I don't know if I'm mixing this up between like introvert and extrovert or like the personality type, like being ENFJ or whatever it is. Yeah, I think that's what the first one is. Those Myers-Briggs personality tests. And that tells you if you're introverted or extroverted? Well, the first letter is E or I. Oh. And it's like extrovert and then the other three. I think I'm like I-N-E-F-J. I don't know what the fuck I am.

It's awesome, though. Yeah, I took one of those tests. I'll take it again. You also did a 23andMe today. Yeah, I did. A DNA test. I'm going to reveal, yeah, we'll reveal on the podcast what my ethnicity is. You just got an email back that said,

you are 100% a sucker for spitting in a tube and giving us 100 bucks. And you're from Honduras. Or whatever. It feels wrong, but that's cool. But it must be right. All right, why don't we sprinkle in some live show stories throughout this episode, but we'll start with answering some questions. That is what we're here for.

Fair enough. Do we have any other shows to promote right now? We're going to Montreal. Oh, all right. In July. I was about to say, this is a nice episode

where we don't have to promote anything. Yeah, we're going to Montreal. Whatever. We'll talk about it later. Okay. We need a guy's name. Why don't we call this guy what?

Rick Fox? Oh, yeah. Somebody, a friend from each spot on the tour. In Atlanta, Rick Fox joined us on stage. All right. Ready? Yep. Rick Fox joined us on stage and wrote,

How's all with you guys? I need some fresh idea on a not-so-fresh subject. Farts. Sorry. That's funny to me toots i live in tokyo with my wife my dog and my flatulence filled anal cavity of course it is normal for anyone to fart but i have two underlying problems one mine stink horribly without question and two the shape of my rump ensures that all farts will be loud sounding like if it were possible for a trumpet to have a frog in its throat.

Because I don't want to subject my loved ones to the stench, I would prefer to release them outside. The problem with Tokyo is that it's so densely populated. There are people everywhere. I cannot open my door, walk into a dark alley, move behind a tree in a park, or go anywhere without seeing people. Thus, if I shoot my poot outside, someone will hear it, and it will not only stain my underwear, but I will stain my

reputation and the reputation of all foreigners. People will remember me as a whitey, releasing noxious fumes. So what should I do? What is your advice on how or where to free my gaseous ass children. Yours truly, Rick Fox. Okay. The shape of his ass makes the farts loud? He has a very, very puckered anus? I've never heard of something like that. I can get farts loud. Like, my farts can be loud if I'm sitting,

because it's like there's not a lot of room between my ass and, like, the chair or the floor that I'm sitting on. But I've never heard of the shape of an ass being conducive to loud farts. I guess like if he has a really, really tight butt, like if it's worked out so much that it's just compact. Yeah, it's the rippling. If you press your cheeks together and farted, then it would like clap, right? Yeah, it's the sound of like the cheeks vibrating. Or is it the anus vibrating?

I don't know what vibrates. Like something is vibrating. Has anyone done a Phantom Cam super slow-mo of an asshole farting? I bet. Wouldn't that be cool? There's fart porn. There's definitely fart porn. So that's, and there's probably 60 fps fart porn but i want to

see like the super slow-mo fart like i want to see the anus like the the frame rate is so slow that you can see like the take a second google it on your phone it's almost like if you've ever seen a drop in super slow motion you can see the ripples right now on your computer what what should i search uh super slow motion 60 fps 60 fps anus farting anus farting and you think there's something i think so slow motion fart porn videos from porn hub slow motion pussy and anal farting would you be interested in a super slow mo an ign community board says would you be interested in a super slow mo close-up video of an anus farting? Wow. Posted in 2011.

And no responses? And then the response is, how slow-mo are we talking here? And then somebody responded. So I think it's needless to say that, yes, that person is interested. I suspect that there would be a good five to 10 seconds between the opening

of the sphincter and the closing. Wow, that is very slow-mo. Whoa, that's too slow. But I don't see a link. We can't... This is crazy. How can I get... Oh, here we go. Gold HD tube. Oh, wow.

This is porn, though. Is it fart porn, or is it just straight regular porn? Sexy slow-motion farts. But I don't just want slow-mo. I want... Phantom cam want slow-mo. I want... What do you want? Phantom cam super slow-mo. Well, watch the video.

Look at this one. Oh, my G. Oh, wow. Jesus Christ. This looks like planet Earth, but for pornography. You're staring into a fucking volcano. I've never seen a brown eye this big. Yeah, but bigger than your fist.

The way it looks is like a time lapse. Look at that. It looks like quicksand almost. Wow, that's really interesting. So far we haven't seen a fart. Oh, here we go. Oh. Oh, hold on.

It looks like an alien whistling. Good Lord, that's so foul. I'll never get this image out of my head of you gleefully watching this. Oh, my God. It's still rippling. Jesus Christ. And that's an SBD. It looks like Jabba the Hutt snapping. Holy shit. Jesus Christ. And that's an SBD. That's, it's still, that's an, oh, well, I guess it's slow motion.

It looks like Jabba the Hutt snapping. Holy shit. Look at that ripple. Okay. All right. Still not a phantom, but definitely interesting nonetheless. We derailed the podcast. Well, how did we come here?

How did this come to be? You mean the whole thing or just that part not my entire life oh i was saying that uh the shape of an asshole influencing the way a fart happens is it the cheek or the actual i was the cheek because as evidence from that video that was the rosebud flapping and flapping yeah but i don't know like what that was the sphincter does the sphincter itself make it louder or is it like how the how the air reverberates off the cheek yeah that's maybe it's a combination of both so it's like sphincter within and then the we really have to have a doctor on this so we can ask them about yeah an ophthalmologist uh all right so his specific question is he's saying tokyo is so densely packed that he'll

he would get outed i can't i don't believe that that can't be that i think that's almost like a good thing like you are in the most densely populated area people won't you can fart willy-nilly and nobody will know it was you for sure yeah no yeah you're good you're good especially like when i'm walking around manhattan that's pretty densely populated but it's so loud that yeah the dense population i would say like especially if you're walking if you're moving you're like yeah you're crop dusting but it's pretty it's gonna dissipate pretty fast i i think that you if your farts are loud and they smell awful you spare the girlfriend and the dog.

Right. Like willy nilly do it outside. That's fine. You can't, you can't live your life trying to fart in complete privacy every single time. Yeah. Isn't bathroom good enough? Like if he goes to the restroom and farts, that should be enough. It should be enough.

Isn't that what that song is about? I think so. It's about how a guy doesn't have to go that out of his way to fart in front of his girlfriend. Even as long as he farts, but if he says, I'm sorry or excuse me, that was really sitting in my stomach. I apologize. I shouldn't have done that. But it's happened. Here we are.

Or I like to make a little joke of it. Like, did you hear that? And then someone says, oh, that's good. All right. of it. Like, did you hear that? And then someone says, oh, that's good. Alright, let's from farts to shitty friends. This question comes to us from a lady who

we'll call Raleigh Rachel. Rachel Hurwitz, your sister. Who came to the Raleigh show. That was a great show. That was a fun show. I love those folks. So, I started grad school this year, writes Rachel, and became very close friends with two girls. We're all big travelers and dreamed of going on a big Euro trip together during our summer break. We planned routes and talked about it for a while, even if it was only wishful thinking. Then I asked them if they'd be seriously down and if I should start saving money for a plane ticket.

When they said no, they didn't have the money and maybe we could go next summer. I was cool because like no big deal, right? So I made other plans for the summer, i.e. committed to a job. Well, two weeks later, they snapchatted me pictures of them buying plane tickets and planning a Europe trip together. I couldn't help but be crushed and feel pretty shitty for a while. The worst part is they never addressed it to me or apologized. They talked about their trip to other people and posted on Facebook about it,

but didn't have the balls to confront me. I'm trying really hard not to, no, I'm trying really hard to get over it, but I can't help but get livid thinking about it sometimes. They try to treat me the same as before this all happened. They try to treat me the same as before this all happened. They tried to treat me the same as before this all happened. How do you recommend getting over this? Should I confront them or is it not that big of a deal? I hope you're on my side. P.S. My boyfriend has been trying to get me to listen to your podcast for a while. So if he hears this, he'll know I've actually become quite a fan, though I

haven't admitted it to him. Wow. Love, Rach. How do I handle shitty friends is the question. I mean, dude, that, I feel like that's so egregious. I would, I think I would stop being friends with them. I wonder. That's like such a slap in the face. It's a kick in the nuts. You know what I mean?

I don't think they're real friends. Yeah. I wonder how close, I mean, she said she became very close with two girls. And they talked about taking this trip. They said no. As soon as she had a job, they were like, let's book it. Yeah. I wonder if we should talk to the friends, like get their side of the story.

What do you think they would say? They would be like, yeah, we all talked about it. And then she got a job, but we wanted to go. But they said they couldn't, right? It's boiled down to this one point, which is like to go. But they said they couldn't, right? It's boiled down to this one point, which is like she asked them and they said no beforehand. They didn't have the money. Right. So then they could be like,

oh, then we got the money and we got tickets. We fucking hate Rachel. Amsterdam, bitch! We wanted to do like a gal trip, but like three is getting to the point where it's too many we want to do gap year without rachel we wanted the gap to be in our relationship we're bad but we do have european taste and we want to explore the world bitch

do you think every time there's like a group of three, it's always like there's some sort of weird like struggle between like two people in the third. There's like always, there's three little groupings and it's like two people in the third person or the other two people in the third. Like it's always three versus one or two versus one. Oh yeah.

That's what I meant. And then unlike, I feel like when I listened to twinnovation, that one person is always changing. Who's in the dog house. Right now it that's what I meant. And then, I feel like when I listen to Twinnovation, that one person is always changing. Who's in the doghouse? Right now, it's definitely Dave. It's been Dave for a year, hasn't it? It's been Dave for

their entire relationship. So that's a bad example. But I think it's all about finding the next duo that would include you. Or pay it forward. Find two more girls and alienate them. Don't invite one of them to a European trip. That way you feel like you're in the power position.

You've alienated someone. You've ostracized someone. You've made someone feel bad. And the universe is back to normal. I think you save up, go on the trip with your boyfriend, and have a better time. And in the meantime, unfollow them on social media and block them on Snapchat, because it's not going to get easier. You're not going to get over

it, but you will forget about it if it's not in your face. It is weird. Would you confront? Would you be like, hey, WTF? No, I wouldn't do it. I would unfollow them on social media and I wouldn't talk to them anymore. And then if they ask, would you tell them? Yeah, I guess so.

Like, why did you unfollow me? I got annoyed looking at your pictures. You said we were all going to go. Oh, my God. Rachel, this is why we didn't invite your dumb ass. You harp on everything. You're like a harp player. You won't stop harping.

You know what story we should talk about is when rick invited us to nba tv oh yeah um after doing our show during a halftime break of his like nba show he invited us to the studios where they shoot tnt halftime shows nba tv pre-game shows post-game shows and we were just at one point watching TV in a backstage area filled with future Hall of Fame basketball players. So it was me, you, Marty, Shaq, three white dudes from L.A., and then Shaq, Charles Barkley, Kevin Garnett, Ben Wallace, Rasheed Wallace, Rick Fox, Baron Davis, Steve Smith, just sort of all razzing each other, screaming at each other, saying things that were not supposed to repeat because they were off color.

And then me, you and Marty in the middle of it, hoping to God, or at least I was, that nobody would just start making fun of me. Really? I'm like, just, I felt like I was back in high school where, like, all the cool kids were, like, joking around, and I'm in the room, like, please don't turn your attention to me. Who is this guy? No, I'm not this guy. Rick, help! Wedgie? Like, there's nothing I could have done if they started razzing me. And they should have.

They should have razzed me. I deserve to be razzed. Wait a minute. Who are you pointing to the 34-year-old Jew in the room? Holding you by your ankles. Let's take a look at that. Hey, Shaq, beat this guy up. Please do, sir.

It would be an honor. Shaq was so big. He's like, it doesn't make sense that he's the same species as us. Yeah. He's just this giant, giant, giant walking around. Me and Jack, we're both human, but he's a big boy. I've pounded fists with him and it felt

like I was sort of like tapping a grapefruit. Like trying to tenderize a huge piece of steak. As he watches Worldstar Hip Hop on his phone, I'm like trying to tell him that he meant a lot to me growing up, but I don't want to seem like the doofus in the room that's

just gushing over him. I think we played it cool. Maybe too cool. Maybe too cool. Not cool enough for school. Alright, let's take a break. Let's thank some sponsors. We'll come back with more questions, more answers, and everything after this. Thank you to Squarespace

for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new.

It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a z and not where you think and it's not biz with a z so if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the greatest way to do that is

to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash SEGMENTS. SEGMENTS. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS

when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes,

and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ad somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. What's up?

New podcast on the HeadGum Network this week. Pray tell. The Babysitter's Club Club. It's basically a podcast that reviews those old Babysitter Club books one by one. So if you were a fan of those growing up, you're going to be a huge fan of the podcast. It's called Babysitter's Club Club, hosted by the very funny Jack and Tanner. So check it out. Go to headgum.com slash podcast.

We actually have a whole new website so you can, while you're there, peruse our video section, our new podcast section, and then check out the Babysitter's Club club.

Yeah, and hey, while you're there, check out the about page because that shit's on fire right now. Yeah, we made gifts of everybody who's currently working

at HeadGum. And there's some good ones out there. Yeah. My personal favorite is Whitney's and Jeff's, but Marty's is pretty damn good, too. I think Powell's is fucking the best. Yeah, that's also a good gift.

So check out the new HeadGum. And check out Babysitter's Club Club. We got shows in Montreal, but that's not till late July. So if you really want to come, you can find it. It's part of the JFL, Just for Laughs Comedy Fest. Yeah, we have two shows there. It's true. Oh, yeah, one head gum show.

Shit. We'll put that info up on our website soon enough. Yes, yes, yes. But if you want to be the first to act. But if you're legit, if you're a legit little Canadian, get out there. I got tweets that some people already bought tickets. Yeah. We haven't even announced the show.

Keep that up. Anything else? Any other funny stories that you wanted to talk about from the road? I can't quite remember now. Partying with skeets in Atlanta was also really fun. Yeah, dude. What was that place called? That underground

bar slash club? It's like MQD or MJQ. MJQ? That makes sense. MQJ? Yeah, something like that. It's like MQD or MJQ. That makes sense. MQJ. Yeah, something like that. It's like through a shed in a parking lot. Skeets described it in a really funny way. I forget what it is. Some sort of like warehouse.

I'm going to butcher it. Appreciate you, brother. Just assume he described this club you don't know about in a very funny way. So if you're ever in Atlanta, you should find MJQ, MQD, MJJ. And go with Skeets, because he has a pretty funny outlook on life.

Shit. Alright, let's see if we can answer some more Q's for you's and me's. Oh, shoot. Another girl's question. I got another girl question. A lady. Mitzi? Mitzi! Mitzi, our friend in D.C. who came to our D.C. show.

Another great show last week. All right. Hey, guys. Recently, my long-term boyfriend of four years, writes Mitzi, has told me that he'd like to try experimenting with anal on himself. Mitzi's not going to be happy.

Just assuming this isn't actually for Mitzi. I have no problem with this. This guy wants this isn't actually for mitzi i have no problem with this this guy wants to experiment with anal on himself i have no problem with this as we are both in our 20s and it's normal to do these kinds of things but my only concern is that when i jokingly said what are you gay he got really quiet and didn't uh say anything else for the rest of the night. Here's the thing. He's been known to be gay in the past, experimenting as a teenager and whatnot. He's even kissed his guy friends multiple times. So my concern is, as guys, do you think he's heading towards being gay or at best just bi? I just wanted a live opinion on this. Thanks, Mitzi.

What does she mean, at best, just bi? At best bi, at worst, gay. You can only deduce. I guess that means for her. I disagree. Yeah. It might be good for him to be gay, but bad for her because she's a woman in his life. Sure.

That's not the general spectrum of great to bad. Yeah. Do you know anyone who's known to be gay in the past that isn't gay at all? I don't know. Doesn't it sort of stand to reason that if you spend a lot of time making out with people of the same sex that

you are gay? Or at best, just bi? At by i mean i don't want to least by i don't want to stereotype or draw any conclusions but at the same time i don't know a lot of dudes who are straight who have been known to be gay in the past i guess it's fine to be uh sex i don't know. I'm trying to be as woke as I can, but like... It's okay to be woke. Like, I'm trying to be woke. Is that fine? But like, you're totally good to be woke.

That's okay. I'm saying like, it's fine to be woke. I just don't want to be judgmental if I'm woke. Yeah, yeah. If you're woke, it's totally good. Is this a safe place that I can be woke? Yeah, I'm just afraid that if you're even a little bit unwoke, I'll scream at you.

So you're being like, sexuality, you're fluid sexually, right? Yeah. That's all fine. That's totally good. The problem lies when your partner doesn't want that, to be with a partner like that. Yeah. So I guess you have to look into your heart of hearts and be like, do I want to be with somebody that wants to be pegged and sometimes looks up with other guys? Is there a correlation?

Am I cool with that? And it's fine if you want to be with somebody who is more in line with you sexually, I think. That's fine. Am I still being woke? You are undoubtedly and unnecessarily homophobic for that. Of course. Of course I am. Do you think there's a correlation between wanting to experiment with anal on himself and being gay?

It all comes back to the spectrum, right? Yeah. You know, like who... Here's the spectrum. You're either gay or you're gay. And you like being pegged. Absolutely. I'm sitting on a pickle right now.

Crunchy Hebrew National. Affleck. I'm so sorry about that. Yeah. That was incredibly sleepy of me. I dozed off for a second and I joked about using a pickle as a dildo. I had a cat nap and I made fun of homosexuals.

Earlier today I woke up and I guess it didn't stick. I don't know. I find myself still being occasionally very de-woke. I rose but I didn't shine. So do you think, or the question is, is he heading towards being gay? He's definitely not 100% straight if he's made out with guys in the past. Is being pegged

a gay thing? What if a girl is pegging you? Is that gay? That's a good question because it's just reminiscent of gay on gay anal sex. But like men have anal sex with... Like if I had anal sex with a girl, is that me being gay?

Because it's still a dick going into a butt, which is what gay guys do. Yeah, I feel like that's, to me, that's less gay than getting fucked in your ass. Yeah, but why? Because. It's a dick going into an ass either way.

It's actually maybe even less gay because if I'm gay, or if I'm straight, and I... Projectile vomit. God, you're homophobic. You're gay. If I'm straight and I... Oh, okay.

Sorry, I misheard. And I have anal sex with a woman. It's a penis going into an anus which you take away the sex. Penis into anus, people would think. Gay. Yeah. Or dildo into an anus, which you take away the sex, penis into anus, people would think gay. Yeah.

Or dildo into anus. It's not any more or less gay or straight. Okay. So, I deduce, I reason, I would like to posit- A logic riddle. I would like to posit that me being pegged by a woman is not any more gay than me having anal intercourse with a woman. Thoughts? Yeah, I don't know. It seems, on the surface, more gay.

And I'm not saying gay in a negative or positive way. I just seems more homosexual to get railed out by a dildo. Is that fair? Are we woke to say? We need to have a... We have to have a gay guest. We should not have done this question.

Or at the best, just a bi guest. Yeah. A bi guest for the next one. We'll remember this. Do we have any bi guests? Let's table this until next guest. Yeah, a bi guest for the next one. We'll remember this. Do we have any bi guests? Let's table this until next time. All right, that's good. So let's put a pin in this question.

So if we did a bad job at answering that, tweet it. Just know that it's not our fault. Tweet at us with a potential guest that will help learn us something. We could do a gay-themed episode. Oh, that's pretty good. Have we had a gay guest before will do will help learn us something we could do a gay themed episode oh that's pretty good have we had a gay guest before? we have I think we have

but not we didn't do like a gay I feel like when we have gay guests I don't want to bombard them with all gay questions but like

it's so hard being woke I want to do an all gay episode we all fall asleep from time to time but we're trying there's plenty of people I want to do an all gay episode. We all fall asleep from time to time, but we're trying. There's plenty of people that are in comas, comatose, not trying to do jack shit, but at least we make the effort. Yeah. And when you think about it, that's frankly not enough.

We have to do more than that. Totally. All right. One last cue for you. Yeah, y'all y'all you do kill uh who do we hang out on thursday philly did we have any hands my man xavier who the guy we got kicked out of the uh that bar together xavier yeah oh yeah philly yeah Philly. My dude. Can't you see? Crying CT. Represent. Yeah, that guy's actually in a holding cell still.

Really? I should have bailed him out. Javier writes, here's my problem. Wait a second. Is this a woman? I have a pretty great ass. Oh, yeah. That's a woman.

Did we hang out with any girls in Philadelphia? Rami. Rami. No, don't say her last name. Very good. Rami writes, I have a pretty great ass. That's nice.

That's a compliment. Excellent. I don't mean to brag, but it's the sort of ass that pulls random strangers in to compliment me, and some even go so far as to slap me on the tush as I walk by. This has happened on several occasions since I was about 16, both with men and women. I've come to accept the fact that this

is just part of my life, but when it comes to sexual ass play, I can take it or leave it. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a sly finger or two every now and again, but I've never been with a guy who didn't really want to stick his dick in there. We can't stop talking about anal sex, it seems. Sorry. Tough episode. I even tried dating a couple guys that weren't ass men, but it made no difference. Eventually, they were almost hypnotized by my little brown star. Plus the farting. This is a

fully butt-themed episode. I feel like a lot of our episodes are. We're buttsmen. So my question is, do you think there's a way that I could learn to get pleasure from it? I can mostly get past the pain part of the point, but it still doesn't do much for me. Have either of you ever not liked something sexually

but then grown to change your mind? Amir, have you come around to anal at all? Also, is butt fucking more common than it is? I've tried talking to my girlfriends about this, but they all have no experience with it. A little background on me. I'm a 26-year-old female, white, 5'1", 110 pounds. I think part of why random people don't mind slapping my ass

is because I look pretty innocent, and often people think I'm younger than I am. That's weird. Uh, thanks for the help. Love you guys. Love the show. My friend saw you guys in Denver a few weeks back. Hope you guys come back soon. Denver! Random shout out to Jake's mom. I'm also part of a big family and my mom is the dopest queen around. No, mine is, but that's awesome that yours is number two. Oh, come on. Yeah. Alright. So, this lady has... Illegal that people slap your ass, especially if they think you're young.

Yeah, when I was 16, men and women slap her ass. I find that hard to believe that women slap her ass. But maybe at parties. I'm just going to try to ignore that part, because she's not asking for advice about that, though it's not good. Yeah, that's it's it's not good yeah that's true but still um hmm hmm hmm so what do you think i desperately want to see this person's ass of course well that's what you say about every people who write in this girl just happens to have

a great ass uh can you can. Can you commiserate? Can you understand? Can you feel this girl's pain? I mean, I can commiserate with all of the people that she's been with that are just sort of obsessed with worshipping her ass. It's kind of interesting to have something that is so valued and to be indifferent about it. Yeah. is so so valued and to be indifferent about it yeah uh i don't know if you're gonna if you don't like anal if you're gonna start i think it has to do with how comfortable you are with your partner more than like how much you like butt play in general yeah like if you really really love

someone and they really really like something that can rub off on you. Right. But you're not going to just be into strangers. Yeah. BF-ing. Like, you got to really like butt stuff if you're, like, doing that on a first or second nightstand. Well, so that's it. I guess, like, I could because I really like butt stuff.

Yeah, but you'd have to find someone who also really likes butt stuff. Yeah. Have you ever had butt stuff on a one-night stand? Yes. Anal one-night stand. Yes. All right. That seems like two ships that hit each other in the middle.

An anal nightstand. Yeah. A very rare anal nightstand. Because it's like a long shot on both sides, it seems, coming together to have one magical night. Right. Was it better than regular nightstands memorable i guess yeah above average but not necessarily the best ever i guess i was like a pretty unique experience yeah uh to get exactly what you want uh has it changed have you ever not like something and gone around to like it whether it's butt stuff

or other stuff i do i guess maybe i have but it probably in the context of what you're talking about like actually beginning to like the person right and then wanting to give that person whatever it is that that person likes yeah well and also i think just like when you really really like somebody uh them being super turned on or like them orgasming is like such a turn on it makes it so hot to you so even if like it's something you didn't think was hot before like their their excitement rubs off yeah ha ha ha so i i don't think you're going to ever like anal more, but maybe you'll like certain people and boyfriends more, and that'll make you like it a bit.

Oh, so it's all about enjoying that person's presence, wanting to give that person what you want. And I don't think that you need to give everybody everything that they want having to do with your butt. You can treat it like the treasure that it is. Yeah, just because you got something special doesn't mean you have to give it up in a sexual capacity.

If anything, that's why you shouldn't. Is, well Amir, have you come around to anal at all? I still haven't, it still doesn't appeal to me the idea of BFing if I could be so bold and honest. It's butt fucking more common than i think it is it's funny that you're like i'm not really into it and then you just watch slow motion uh

and is farting yeah well that was sheer curiosity more than what it would feel like uh butt fucking more common than i think it is how common do you you think it is? Like a random straw poll of 20 of your friends, how many of them do you think have done it? I bet, it feels like it's something most people have experimented with, but probably few people do regularly. True. So you think of 20 of your closest friends, how many of them do you think have done it once? Over 10? Yeah, 15 to 18.

Wow, so I'm in that big of a minority? Two of 20 haven't done it? I think so. I would have said lower. Like 10 people have out of 20. I have no idea what the actual numbers is. I talked to my girlfriend about it and they don't have any experience with it.

You think it's equally distributed amongst men and female? How much they like it have any experience with it you think it's equal equally distributed amongst men and female how much they like it or guys like it more oh it's interesting i bet guys like it more but i don't know um where does that land on the gay spectrum do you think that's a little more gay what to like anal more than not yeah interesting like you're effing a butt yeah is that more gay than not? I don't know more gay than having sex with a vagina

I guess I don't care I wouldn't even masturbate because I think that's gay because it's giving someone a handjob well yourself I saw you blowing Marty up here that was that was a weird day you know what that here. That was also like the...

That was a weird day. You know what that was? That was opposite day. I was in a mood. I was feeling particularly woke that day. That's why I did that. We can't ask this person for a picture of her butt, right? No, but I was just going to sort of like look at her name on her email and Google her and see if I could find any.

Are you a little surprised at a 5'1", 110-pound lady having a great ass? No, I'm perfectly. Wouldn't you think she was a little bigger than that? I feel like sometimes small people have like a nice little bubble butt. Bubble butt. Oh, yeah. There we go. At age 16, Jake slapped me on the ass as I walked by.

No. No. When I ask why, it's because ass as I walked by. No, no. When I ask why, it's because he thought I was younger. Jesus Christ. What? That's what it says. People often think I'm younger than I am. It was character assassination. Absolutely character assassination.

And a little bit of a slander. All right. Is there any other stories from the road? Philly, you partied with those two guys. Yep. You walked around. You got along with them so much that you invited them places. You got kicked out of a bar, did you say?

We got kicked out of the first bar. Before you were even drunk. It was like a sit-down place. And they went up to the bar and they ordered shots. And they didn't give them to us. And they're like, you can come to the bar and take the shots. We're not going to bring them to the bar and they ordered shots and they didn't give them to us. And they're like, you can come to the bar and take the shots. We're not going to bring them to the table because you guys are being vulgar. This is a church.

And I was like, there's a rule against swearing in the bar? It's like Vegas. You're allowed to pretty much do anything except swear at a blackjack table. What rules are we talking about? And then we got into a little tiff with the server who was upset that I guess we were being louder than other people. But, like, it was a bar. I'm actually kind of, I'm pissed at it still. I wish, if I remembered the name of it, I would put him on blast and ask the Twinnovation Nation to oink them out or something.

I think it was Chili's. I think that's what it was. It was a Chili's to go? Yeah. It was in the airport. That's why they were upset that you were swearing and asking for shots. What about, what do we do in, there's stories, but I can't tell them. What do we do in New York, or in D.C.?

Oh, D.C.? Oh, we sort of took it easy that night well we went to that crazy club that was like i went to the bathroom in it oh yeah scary ass bar that we went to the bar was frightening it was like filled with graffiti on the inside and out it was like it was a very loud bar that that like someone broke into an hour before set up a couple bottles of whiskey. It smelled like diarrhea and weed. And then you're like, I'm going to go to the bathroom.

I'm like, holy shit. It already smells like a bathroom out here. I can only imagine what the bathroom is. I walked in. I opened the bathroom, and it looked like I had accidentally broken through a wall into an abandoned warehouse or something, like a murder scene. And I was so taken aback that I didn't even step in. It people like a murder scene and i it was so like i was so taken

aback that i didn't even step in like it looked like a murder scene and this girl was walking by and she's like yeah that is the bathroom and i was like is this the men's or the women's and she was like mostly women going here and mostly men going there but it doesn't matter god that's so woke she didn't even care about the gender She doesn't even see gender Yeah well The other bathroom was just a hole in the floor Which is what the entire bar Kind of looked and smelled like

It was a hole in the wall We don't have to say the name of that bar either But you don't remember I don't know the name of it at all Good to be back If you have your own questions Your own theme song submissions Send them all to ifireyoushow questions your own theme song submissions send them all to

ifireyoushow at gmail.com again we're coming to Montreal for Just for Laughs at the end of July if you're a fan of the Babysitter's Club check out the

Babysitter's Club Club on HeadGum very funny show hosted by a couple of very funny people and the opening theme song was written by

Jordan Becker remember that this closing one was written by Erin who doesn't need a shout out she is the opening theme song was written by Jordan Becker. Remember that? This closing one was written by Erin, who doesn't need a shout-out. She is submitting a theme song for the love of the game. Guys, we'll be back next... You know what? Not even guys. People. I'm sick

of that shit. Male-specific pronouns. Guys. No, it's not guys. We'll be back next week. It's people. You have a Pepe the Frog sticker on the back of your computer. You cock. All right. Thanks to Jordan Becker.

Thanks to Aaron. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next week. Bye. You know I think I've got a problem. I'm wondering if you guys can help me. There's this guy that I love but he doesn't love me I look for ways to say I love you

But it's nothing that he sees I don't know what all I should do So just help me please I get a feeling I should give up But my heart won't let me lose touch Jake and Amir, I really fucking wanna get the D No, but really, what the fuck do I do? That was a HeadGum Podcast With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's but really what the fuck do I do?