Segments - 275: Hangover Routine

Episode Date: May 22, 2017

In this episode we discuss bird names, Instagram games, and the rare F-Buddy Zone. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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From these two funny guys. They'll tell you what to do if they were you. That's Sebastian Jano Nielsen. Way to go, Sebastian. From Denmark. He's a Dane. I knew he was a Dane. How could you tell?

Honestly, I heard that sweet Danish voice, and I knew right away that he had to be from Dane. Got it. He's a Miss Reddy's from Ireland. No shit. I knew he was a Scotsman. How could you tell? I heard that sweet German voice, and I just knew he was an English chap. You knew that this guy from Ireland was a Scotsman because you heard his German voice.

I know a kraut when I hear a Russian. You're all over the place, man. All over the map. And I love you for it. Sebastian said he wrote it in 2015, but we never played it. Well, I cannot confirm or deny, but it did sound unique to me, but we never played it. Well, thanks. I cannot confirm or deny, but it did sound unique to me when I re-heard it. Thanks for sticking with it.

So thanks, Sebastian. Thanks to you guys for listening. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the entire internet that we host. That's still pretty impressive. Actually, I host a few other little small alt-right... Right, not advice podcasts. Throwaway things, yeah. They're sort of like... More like dog whistle podcasts.

Stream of consciousness whistleblowers. One of them is just me pointing fingers at someone and being like, a shame podcast. Oh. A shame cast. That's rude. Yeah, and a lot of it is people who are otherwise leading normal, fine lives,

and I'll try to find something, dig something up about them and shame them. Enough about microaggression. This is macroaggression. Yeah, on a global level. On a what level? Global level. Okay. Yeah.

You think globally, but locally. So, find those as well. They're all under different pseudonyms, so it'll be a tough find. A lot of them are kind of weird, like Adolphus Hunt. Adolphus Hunt? Yeah, that's kind of unique. That's a beautiful name.

A hunter by trade and by name. But this one is the only one that we host together. What a pleasure. The way it works is people will email us. They'll ask us for our advice. We do our darn best to answer them. But sometimes things don't go very well.

And I'll end up shaming them publicly. Your other podcasts are bleeding into this one. It's not all right. All right. This one we just showed up. I'm going to host this one as a doll fist. All right. Ready? And let me get into character. into this one. It's not alright. I'm going to host this one as Adolphus. Alright, ready? Let me get into character.

Welcome to the shame cast! Ooh, cast your shame, Blow! Blow is what I call the audience members. I hate Adolphus Hunt. He's a vile man. Adolphus is 58. He's from Green Bay, but he's a vile man Adolphus is 58 he's from Green Bay but he's like

he only watches like World War II documentaries right and he's sort of he's filled with hate yeah and he's alone so he's a loner

he got a mic he got a microphone at a garage sale and he's been sort of figuring out how to use it and and the thing that he wants

more than anything to share with the world is just like shaming people castigation yeah exactly of course now welcome to the hunt zone here we describe things in personal detail he's a little bit of a broey pirate almost yes argh matey oh Métis? Walk the plank, man. In this boogie board. Surf's up, Métis. Shiver me timbers, brah. Let's get a breakfast burrito.

Speaking of breakfast burrito, one question comes from a lady who has a question related to breakfast burritos. Hey-o. So, why don't we call this lady Nancy Cartwright. Because that's her actual name. Oh, incredible. Nancy writes, here's the deal. There's this amazing breakfast burrito and coffee stand that I occasionally stop in on my way to work in the mornings. The place also sells Gatorade, so it's basically a one-stop shop for hangovers. With that in mind, you can imagine that I'm not usually looking my best when I stop by. So,

there's always the same looking guy every time I stop, and this man is a damn dime. I'm a pretty shy person, and I would never, ever assume that he's interested in me, and I never really take risks when it comes to making it known that I'm into someone. How do I figure out if he is interested in me? Should I slip him my number on a receipt? Side note, one morning, when I stopped by to get a burrito, he slipped me a free cookie. Was this just a free cookie, or was it a hint that he's into me? What do you think you guys

would do p.s thanks for years of entertainment wow wow wow uh before we even get into the question what are your thoughts on breakfast burritos coffee and gatorade for a hangover cure would that jive with you yeah that sounds incredible i'd actually probably skip the coffee when i'm hungover, I don't like to drink coffee. It makes you a little more dehydrated. Right. It's not great for you in the morning. But doesn't food also make you dehydrated? I guess probably salty foods a little bit, but that is what my body... I think I'm more of a Gatorade and a breakfast burrito, and then I'll do an afternoon coffee, and then I'm at full. Full capacity. Well, it depends on the hangover,

I guess. Well, you've had like worse hangovers that don't, can't even have a breakfast burrito? I've had, of course, I've had hangovers so bad that I can't eat or drink until around 4 or 5 p.m. And those are the good ones. So what if you have. That means I had a crazy night. What if, what if you have a slight hangover, what's your go-to? I guess a breakfast sandwich of sorts, of jorts. Of jorts. Yeah, a little bacon, egg, and cheese, a little sausage, egg, and cheese, a breakfast burrito, perhaps. Fountain soda, water. Water.

Smart water. All water. Yeah. No Gatorade? I don't do Gatorade anymore, but that's not because I don't love Gatorade. It's just because I usually make a breakfast sandwich at home. Oh. I actually make my love Gatorade. It's just because I usually make a breakfast sandwich at home. Oh. I actually make my own Gatorade. That's gross.

Yeah. And if we're on the road, we'd go to a diner or something and get a sloppy breakfast sandwich, but you can't order a Gatorade at a diner. No, you can't. You really can't get a Gatorade unless you're at a grocery store or a deli or something. What would you say is the worst thing to eat when you're hungover?

You wake up, you're hungover, and then this is a bad hangover routine. Scallops. So you get what? Raw scallops or cooked scallops? I guess I wouldn't want like oysters or clams in the AM. Shellfish. Yeah. So you wake up, you have two cups of hot black coffee, and then you try to just shuck as many oysters as possible.

Yeah, yeah, that wouldn't be good. And then shot of mustard. Hair of the dog. Hair of the dog. Like you got drunk on mustard? No, I fucked a dog. Oh. I was so wasted.

Jesus. So now I'm just drinking mustard. Well, you did that as a pregame. You were pretty sober. I had a corona. I blew a dog. And now I want mustard. I had a corona. I blew a dog. And now I want mustard. I am a dolphin's hunt.

Welcome to the dolphin's zone. Sorry about that. Yeah, it's fine. What's your hangover food? I like ramen. I like hot, salty broth. Yeah, you do. Soup.

Yeah. I feel like I need solid food to soak up the alcohol, but you're just like, I'm going to get hot, salty liquid to mix with it. Yeah. I don't need a cold, sweet Gatorade. I need a hot, salty Gatorade, which I know sounds like I'm at some sort of perverted club and I'm ordering a shot of male cum, but I really would like some boiling hot salt water. I would like some boiling hot Spum though. I just happen to like really, really hot chicken salt. And that is not a metaphor.

I really do want broth. And this is you at an orgy ordering the broth. Brother, can you spare a broth? Yeah, it depends on the hangover, like you said. Sometimes you're so hungover you don't even want to eat. Yeah. Sometimes I want, want like you know potatoes usually it's the eyes yeah potatoes and french fries at the end of the night i'm trying

to eat usually so i like to wake up have a little hungover but also kind of full of eggs yeah i woke up having had so you don't have to worry about my breakfast. I had stuff at 3.45. Now, if this girl's question, if it were written by a guy, and he was like, and the girl at the breakfast burrito cart gave me a free cookie, like, should I slip her my number? I would be like, no. Right. She's just friendly. Yeah.

Yeah. Or it's like, you don't want to hit on a girl because she probably gets that all the time. She's just working. You don't have to constantly ask for her number. Right. But the other way around, the rules the time. She's just working. You don't have to constantly ask for her number. Right. But the other way around, the games, the rules have changed. It's totally different. I've never, I can't commiserate. I've never been instantly noticeably hot. I'm like a grower. Like, I'm like, oh, you know, I got to know Amir. And

then eventually I learned to like him. It turns out he's not as ugly on the inside. Yeah. His personality is fine enough. I've never been like, whoa, who's that? Crash cut to me playing on my Game Boy. Somebody grabs you on the face like, I need to kiss you. Who, me? I have a boil. Maybe we can talk about it on my podcast. Shave.

Hunt Zone. He also plays his own guitar on the show. Yeah, poorly. He has a whammy bar and a fender. Yeah, what's that called when you're like the a-wah-wah? Oh, the wah-wah pedal. Oh, yeah, dude. So I think I've been in this situation, uh, uh, a couple times where I used to be a, uh, a, uh, scooper at an ice cream place.

So what did girls do? Uh, it didn't happen often, but there were a couple times where I like got a number on a receipt or something. Did you flirt with them originally or did they just do it apropos of nothing? Um, I probably both happened but i was like a little bit of a flirt because i was trying to get tips you know oh so you would give it would you give cookies or the equivalent of to lady customers that you weren't necessarily attracted to yeah i would give like free stuff to lots of people in order to get tips because i could i i get to keep the tips, but I don't get to keep

the ice cream. So if they order a topping that's extra, I'm like, it's on me. And then they give you a buck or something. Yeah. I'm running this place into the ground, baby. The whole ice cream is on me. Why don't you take a full box of chocolates off the wall? On me. Just kick me five

bones. We didn't make any dollars today, but I made $430 on me. Just kick me five bones. We didn't make any dollars today, but I made $430 on me. I'm making out like a bandit, baby. Ice cream place closed on me. It did close right after I left. And it caused the owner ennui, which is a deep sense of shame. Ennui. Yeah, ennui.

He committed harikari. Yeah, after eating a banh mi. Very good. Thank you. Now, would you say it's possible that this guy has just given her a free cookie without being attracted to her? I think it's possible, but what I would say is that there's no world where he gets a number on a piece of paper and is like, what the fuck was that girl thinking?

Right. Like, never. And you are too shamed to go back there. Shame. Shame zone. Welcome to the shame zone. Hey, Nancy, you are shamed. Pew!

Wow. Ba-ba-ba-bum. I'm 50. I'm 58. So I think you could give him your number, guilt-free, stress-free. If he texts you, great. And if he doesn't, there'll always be a little bit of fun tension there. Yeah.

And then there's also the rush of, I gave him my number. Now for the next 12 hours, I'm looking at my phone. When it vibrates, oh my God, what if it's an unknown number? What if it's him? I think she says she never takes these risks. phone yeah when it vibrates oh my god what if it's an unknown number what if it's him i think she says she never real she never takes takes these risks this is like the time to take the risk the stakes are very very low if he doesn't text you it's just a guy that works at the burrito place that you go to when you're hungover don't worry if he doesn't text you next time you go

get a burrito you should be like so you still work at a fucking burrito stand. Like, you didn't text me and that's whatever. You have the one upper hand on me. You guys have Cholula and why didn't you text me? And let's get the bluest Gatorade you have. So go for it, Nancy. Go for it. Connect four.

Here's one called Snooping Boss. We'll call this man Hank Azaria. Very good. Do you think Azaria is making cash from the Simpsons? I wonder, like, yeah. Or if it's like a volunteer pro bono sitch. I bet he gets paid, but, like, I don't know. Like, do you think he can afford, but like, I don't know.

Like, do you think he can afford, does he like own his car outright or does he lease it? I think even if you have like, let's say he has like a hundred grand in the bank. Wow. Just like as a crazy example. In his savings or checking? Yeah, in his savings. In his savings. Like you're not touching that. Yeah.

Like at the same time, even if you had a hundred grand, which is like, I can't imagine he ever gets to that point. But let's just say, because it's like, let's call the far out example and then figure it out from there. Sure, yeah. Reverse engineering. Shoot for the moon. Yeah, so let's say he has, at most, okay, let's just say at most, $100,000 individual dollars. Yeah. He would lease.

He would lease? He would lease. Lease to own or lease and trade in he would lease and then depending on the mileage on the car at the end of the term decide whether or not to buy but like odds are it wouldn't be worth it to him is it something like is it like an audi or is it a passat it's a passat i was gonna say it's a VW Passat SE. So it's like a limited Passat, black, with black interior, cloth, just because leather gets hot. So he's driving the Passat into the studio, and he's doing the Simpsons. He's doing Moe and whatever, Quimby.

This is so frigging nuts, because I bet he, and you think he has like a two-bedroom apartment on street or on street? He could do a three plus two at that point. A three plus two. Does he have a roommate? A hundred grand. Yeah, he has a roommate. And the other bedroom is an office? Yeah, yeah.

I'm just going to look up quick Hank's area's net worth and see if you... If it's even close to a hundred grand. Because odds are we're going to be like, ooh, it's actually 22K. Actually, I bet he drives a freaking Prius. Wow. What is it? Wow. What is it? Wow. What is it?

70 freaking mil, dude. What are you talking about, man? 70 freaking mil. From what? I guess he's a film and television actor, writer, comedian. He's in the birdcage. A producer. That couldn't have paid more than $1,200.

He's a producer. That's one of it. Like music-wise? Did he have an album? He makes $300,000 per episode of The Simpsons. All right. And that's like not... I underestimated that.

Yeah. How many episodes of The Simpsons are there every season? But like every season. Yeah, 23. So that's like 23 times 300,000. It's like 500, 600,000 a year. No, it's 6 million a year for 28 years. Fuck me.

I fucking turned that job down because I didn't think it was high paying. I was like, I could do Moe. Oh, that's Adolphus Hunt. Adolphus is Moe. Moe is Adolphus Alright, anyway, Azaria writes

I work at a local church and recently my supervisor The pastor Called me into his office to have a quick chat It was nothing too bad except for this one thing He brought up, my social media He commented on how he didn't like What I was doing on social media And when I asked him what he meant

He grabbed a piece of paper with screenshots of things that I've liked on Instagram. To be honest, it's nothing too bad, just pictures of people doing yoga, and some photos of models, and a lot of people I follow. My pastor claims that these, quote, popped up on things that I have liked on his feed, but there are two problems with this. One, things that you like on Instagram don't just randomly pop up on other people's feeds. And two, he doesn't even follow me. How would it pop up on his feed if he doesn't follow me? He has to have searched for me, gone to what I like, and searched through my likes for a couple of inappropriate things that I've liked. What should I do? Is what I like a concern if it takes such effort to see what I liked? Should I say something to him about quote snooping on social media? Is this a concern for me because it also has me paranoid about

future employers? Help! Like seeing you guys in DC. Alright, thanks for coming. Can you see what other people like on Instagram? Like I can't go to you and see all the photos you've liked, right? I don't know. I think that's a feature on Twitter, but I don't think I could do that on Instagram.

Let's find out. On Instagram, there's that page that shows you, like, what your friends have recently liked. And then maybe he saw it there. But those are based on your followers. You know what I mean? That page, it's like, oh, Jake liked this photo, this person liked this photo. I don't quite see how you do that. But there's no page that says, okay, this is Amir's Instagram, and this is every photo he's liked.

Yeah, that would be so embarrassing. That would be dangerous. You know when they added that thing recently where it's like, if I follow a lady and you follow a lady and you liked her photo, it'll be like, this lady has 14,000 likes, including Jake Hurwitz. I know. And I actually, I sometimes, I'm embarrassed. Like, when I like something, I know someone's going to see it. And, like, sometimes I restrain myself. I'm like, no.

And then sometimes I'm like, fuck it. I gotta like this. But why do you like photos of, like, models that, like, fuck it, I gotta like this. But why do you like photos of models that have millions of followers? Yeah, I've recently sort of... They'll never see it. Yeah, I've stopped doing that a little bit. It's so weird. I guess like...

I still want to give them props. The things I like on Instagram are things that support my friends who are doing something cool. And then girls with nice butts. I can't not double tap. I have to give them daps. The girls with the nice butts, those are the ones that I really want to like, too. My friends are like, oh, whatever. I should throw them a like.

Hey, yeah, all right, you're killing it. Whatever. And then the girl's like, oh, a butt. I need to harden her else. You know what it is? You're not even liking on purpose. You just start trembling, and you double tap. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh Shaking as I reach for my penis

And then this cabin is nice I like that my friend's traveling in Iceland Oh I've liked it eight times Like As I fap The fappening I feel like I mean this is crazy You don't have you are allowed to like

whatever you want the are you like becoming a priest is it even illegal for a priest to like things on social media like what's what's the downside of liking something I guess you're wading into the world of temptation. I don't know. I would just be like, all right, bro. And then the end. I know. It's like a thing that priests can't have sex, right? But can pastors have sex? Like what are the sex rules? Like any person in the church can't have sex. This is you like talking to a nun. Like, cause I'm down to have a job I'm trying to put in my resume I want to do reverend Cause then I could fuck Can I still get blown or like is it a fucking thing

Remember the question I had yesterday Of um The whole priest Um What's it called Why is it that priests seem to disproportionately Molest young boys? Yeah, well, you never hear about a young girl getting molested.

Like, why are they always gay molesters? I don't know. Is it, like, are there choir boys and girls, or is it mostly boys that are around? Yeah, are there any young women in the church? Yeah. Are the priests opportunistic because the boys are what's near or do they get into the racket because... Because there's lots of young boys. What's the equivalent of a young nun? My new show on CBS coming this fall, Young Nun.

Like I know about nuns, but they're all 92. What's like an eight-year-old nun? What's an altar girl? A little sister. A what? A little sister. Oh, coming this fall. Little sister.

Kid sister, kid sister, kid sister. Wherever I go, she goes. And it's a little three-year-old in a nun costume. Yeah, that's cool. Wait, what? Oh, wait, what was the question? And she still laments that she'll never have a man? That's right. Okay, so

what should I do? I don't know. What would you do? Would you be like, alright, sorry, relax, don't look at my shit? Yeah, if somebody confronted me about my likes, I guess I, it's sort of hard not to get defensive.

And then it's also hard to keep on doing you. Like he's not, I just know that he's not going to go through his phone, see somebody in down dog and like want to like it, but just know my priest will see this now or my pastor will see this. Yeah. Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? I don't understand the relationship.

I guess just start liking lots and lots of photos. Oh, that's good. It feels like if you like just... Throw someone off the scent. Yeah. If you like only the yoga photos and only the models. But he did say that he's liking friends. But just, you know, keep on going, machine gun fire. Yeah, and then be like, I like everything, pastor.

And I do mean everything. And then find out what the fuck his Instagram handle is and see what that motherfucker likes. I don't think, if you don't have an Instagram,

I don't think you can see what somebody likes. He must have a secret one or something. Wow. Find out the rat account. Yeah. Not Father John.

Oh, that can't be me. It says not at the top. It's actually correct. It wasn't him. It was Father Ryan. Oh, that can't be me. It says not at the top. It's actually correct. It wasn't him. It was Father Ryan. Is this a concern? No, I don't think this is a concern for future employers. You're fine.

Yeah. All right. Let's take a break. We'll be back. We'll answer some more Qs, some more As. And you are listening to The Hunt Zone. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love.

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So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah.

But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.

Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters yeah vision lifters with a z and not where you think and it's not biz with a z so if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that coupon code segments to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to Squarespace.com slash segments. Segments.

You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Whoa, whoa, whoa. How are you feeling? Feeling good. What's your plan? What's your social media plan going forward today? What do you mean? You plan on posting something to

Twitter, Facebook, Instagram? Are you going to snap? Are you going to chat? How is your Snapchat open rate nowadays? Oh man, I don't know. I haven't looked at it really. I'm looking at, I'm more into, oh wow, I'm at 49,000 followers on Instagram wow you are dangerously close to that 50k mark yeah can I would love I just want to see

a fucking M next to my name oh my god can you fucking imagine if everybody listening could just give me a follow right quick at Jake Hurwitz

it would not be it wouldn't get you but I'm already at 49k I know but it wouldn't give you 951,000 well I'm saying if everybody listening gives me a follow. And if we have over a million listeners.

We don't. Oh, that sucks. What? You thought we had a million listeners? That sucks to hear and to know. I'm sorry, man. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you.

Damn it. But 49,000 is a lot. It's pretty good, but it's not like free vacation a lot, you know? Oh, you want people to like sponsor you to go. You're squinting and nodding at me. I'm also crying. You're proud right now for no reason. I don't like that about you.

How's our race to 170 going? Yeah, that's a good question. Jake and I are about, how far are you from 170? As's your weigh-in. Jake and I are about, how far are you from 170? Five or six pounds. As of last weigh-in, I'm down to 174 from 177. That's pretty good. And I'm like around 165.

So we're trying to meet in the middle. 170. You're trying to shed a little. I'm trying to gain a little. Yeah. But I feel like we'll both look better for it if we're both at 170. Yeah, 170 is a solid weight. Where do you want to gain? Where do you want to see the most of your gains?

Good question. It is my ass. Eyebrow and ass. My right eyebrow, I'd like to have a little lump of fat over it so I'm always doing the rock thing. And then my asshole, so a chubby little sphincter. A little donut. I want a little fucking hostess donut. That sucks. I want a little fucking hostess donut. That sucks.

I want a little crusty ass breadcrumb. Why does it have to be crusty? You wanted it to be fat. What's the donut that's just crummy? Like cake crumb? Yeah, I know what you're talking about, but I don't know. I want that. I really just want it. As an ass.

No, I don't know. I guess, yeah. Somebody asked me once. He's like, all right, so you want to gain, like, muscle. What's your ideal body? Because I also don't want to be too muscular. Right. Like, what's the ideal?

What do you think my ideal body is? I guess, like, your chest and shoulders you'd want bigger and your waist smaller. But do you know? You want to get that vicious V. I guess, do you know of any actors or friends of ours that you would say, like, that's the body I want? Oh, definitely not friends of ours. Actors?

Oh, the perfect body is Brad Pitt in Snatch. Yeah, but that's so big. He's not that big. That's pretty lean. Oh, but he's just chiseled and cut. Let me show you a quick pic. Because I fear I'm more of an Ed Norton. And I don't even mean junior. I mean Edward Norton's father, Ed Norton Sr.

And I don't mean when he was young. I mean now. And he is dead. I have a granddad bod. Yeah, I don't think... I think it would take years of effort and practice and working out to get there. Look at this.

I don't think that's crazy. Hold on. Pass me the phone. All right. Oh, yeah. It's not nuts. I thought he was... He's like lean muscle.

Is this in Snatch? It's not nuts. I thought he was... He's like lean muscle. Is this in Snatch? That's Snatch. Maybe you're thinking of like Brad Pitt in... What's that one where he plays Achilles? Okay. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What if Brad was one of us? Nice. Thank you. Wow, this is a cool animated or a cartoon of Brad Pitt and Snatch. What if Brad was one of us? Nice. Thank you.

Wow, this is a cool animated cartoon of Brad Pitt and Snatch. So maybe Brad Pitt and Snatch is the dream bod. That is the dream bod. Hey, we're all working towards it, I'll tell you. I mean, like the shoulders. I don't know how you get those nice rounded fucking shoulders. Yeah, shoulders are the ones that hurt the most because it's like, it's a joint. So like whenever you're lift, whenever I'm like stretching my shoulders

and lifting with my shoulders, I just feel like joint pain. I think it's just where you're weaker it hurts the most because like my shoulders don't hurt, but my legs do. And your legs don't hurt. Right. Like chest and shoulders are easier for me.

Yeah, and for me, those are the hard ones. And I like don't look forward to doing squats. Actually, your brother kind of has that going on right now. He's got the Brad Pitt and Snatch bod. And the Brad Pitt and Snatch hair. Wait, is he? No, his name is Micah. Right, that's different.

But I was going to say, if it was Brad. Are you brother of Brad? I could be. I mean, damn, look at this at this dude yeah it's a fucking fox uh anyway yeah all right come find me this summer meet me outside how about the uh i also want to buzz my head yeah i want the courage to just shave my head you want to go straight shave i thought you want to do a little bit on top. A little bit on top and shorter on the sides. What are you waiting for?

An opportunity? Opportunity, the courage. I'm also fearful that if I do it it'll be bad and I'll look like a little wiener head for a little bit. I mean, it would look like that for like two weeks. And then what? Then you're a little prick? Then it would grow back. Oh, sorry.

I thought you were saying then it would look. But you'd still be a small coward on the inside. Don't you worry about that. It's what's on the inside that counts. All right, do you want to answer some more cues? Yeah. Do we answer fuck buddy or bird quandary next? Ooh, let's go fuck buddy and on bird quandary.

I like it. All right. Harry Shearer writes, you think when Azaria gets paid, he gets direct deposit or he'll get a check and bring it to the bank? And he has to wait in line at the bank. It feels like now that I know how rich he is,

it has to be direct deposit. Do you think he knows? Do you think he checks? Do you think he ever logs into his city bank and he's like, I wonder how much cash I have? No, because you probably at that point, you have to have money managers and stuff. And I bet he has a freaking four bedroom now that I think about it. 70 mil. 70 mils.

And still a roommate because you can't. The rent's too damn high. Even the mortgage on that, you hate to pay like $29,000 a month. Oh, you think he has a freestanding house? Yeah, absolutely. I thought maybe like... More than one. Upwards of two.

Right. I bet he, I mean, he must have a compound. I wonder if he ever even leaves. Doesn't he just record Simpsons just in his basement? Yeah, I heard that. That's what Harry Shearer did. He just built a studio in his house because he no longer wanted to drive in.

That's that fuck you money. That's that Kent Brockman money. All right, Harry Shearer writes, What up, Penny Koops and Andy Bloom? I like that nickname. I've been a fan for years, and I'm happy for your success. Here's my problem. I know Jake or even Amir wouldn't call it that,

but it's a problem for me. I get stuck in the fuck buddy zone, and I can happy for your success. Here's my problem. I know Jake or even Amir wouldn't call it that, but it's a problem for me. I get stuck in the fuck buddy zone, and I can't get out. I meet woman, and we hang out and start fucking, and it never progresses. I've been single 11 years. I'm 30 going on 31, and it's getting boring. I know most people have problems fucking in general, and I have problems turning that into a relationship.

What can I do to change that and turn it into a relationship? Or am I pretty much fucked like good luck Chuck? FYI, it's not a one time fucking thing. It's we never go out. I go to her place or she comes to mine and we just fuck. Seriously, I want something more.

What can I do? Signed, Harry Shearer. P.S. I'm black from the the hood wtf is hooking up is it fingering is it fucking is it making out i hear you guys talk about it but i don't know to which degree jesus christ this guy's the man he's so chill i think hooking up has like changed like when when i was a kid or not when i was a kid but i feel like when i was in high school hooking up could have just been making out yeah and then at some point in adulthood it's like did you hook up now we just made out like that's that used to be hooking up yeah that's kind of true but i still feel like if you if i said you hook up with that girl and you

said yes i would still follow up and say did you fuck so it's not fully it's it's not guaranteed fucking right but also like if you said did you hook up and I'd only like made out with somebody in a bar I guess I'd probably say

maybe I would just be like a little but we only made out I still think hooking up is making out what do you think is the bigger increase of happiness

from nothing to make out or from make out to sex ooh nothing to make out yeah I kind of agree sex? Ooh, nothing to make out. Yeah. I kind of agree with that. That's like, it's, it's almost like that you've convinced someone to be attracted enough to you that they are enjoying making out with you. And then once they make out to have sex with them is like a less of an increase than from nothing to make it. If I mean, all I really need in my life is to be able to lean in

and know somebody was about to kiss me back, and then I could probably be good. Oh, so you don't even need to make it. I don't even need to actually. I just need, like, the tiny little ego inside my body needs to know that it's a possibility. So the endorphins, the seed that you're watering, is the idea that someone is attracted enough to you

to want to have sex. Me, me, me. So you take that joy, you run home, you jerk off. Jerk off. And you're not doing it. Into a cup, drink my own semen. Look in the mirror, scream, hoorah! I'm growing!

Clarice! My semen is poison. I'm anemic. All right. So besides drinking your own semen, what would you say... This is the second time in the podcast today that we mentioned

drinking a cup of... ordering a cup of semen. What's gotten into us? We are bad. Ooh. Ooh. Going from sex to a relationship. It's interesting that I feel like we get questions all the time that are like, how do I get out of the friend zone?

And into the fuck buddies. Yeah, which I've said many times is not a real thing. Friend zone, that's not like a punishment. It's just you're a friend. There's not really a zone that you're restricted to. Anyway, it's weird to be in the territory that everybody wants. Yeah. Having sex with a crush.

Without the relationship obligations. But want something more. Yeah. Which I guess is a natural desire is companionship rather than just sexual gratification. I guess, may I be so bold as to suggest, have you actually articulated the way you feel to these people? Oh, be like, hey, why don't we, instead of going to your place, why don't I take you out to dinner? Then we fuck. Yeah.

I think a lot of people that are disappointed with their sex and relationship life haven't actually done enough to take charge. They're just hoping it happens for them. Right. They're just like so passive. Like, well, this girl doesn't like me. She never shows any signs. Do you show any signs or do you just kind of sit around and complain all the time like a loser? Yeah, that's true. It's a lot of, maybe a lot of relationship problems, questions come from the fact that like, I feel all these things and my boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't know about it yeah how do they magically know about it why doesn't everyone just know exactly what i'm thinking i'd hate to bring it up to be so bold as to bring it up i remember there was one time where i was like talking to a girl at a bar

and then she started talking to another guy and i I was just sitting there stewing. What the fuck is this? Like, she's just going to ignore me. Like, I thought, this is, this sucks. And then I was like, oh, what if I go talk to her again? And I did, and then we went home. That's nice. Yeah, it was a real happy ending to the story for me. I was that other guy, though.

Yeah, of course. Insane. And the girl was your wife at the time. Take my wife. But I think there's a lot of self-pitying and wondering why people aren't making it easy for you. But everybody feels that way. Everybody's sort of wondering what other people are thinking,

and they can't really make decisions until you say what it is you think and feel. Yeah, you have to give them the knowledge for them to make an informed decision. Otherwise, you're just guessing and hopefully it aligns with somebody with what you're thinking. Exactly.

So this advice might result in a couple heartbreaks when you tell somebody that you're in the fuck buddy zone with that you really like them and they're not interested in that way. But if you keep on doing it, keep at it, you'll eventually find somebody that is down. And good luck.

Godspeed. Let us end with a bird quandary. Of course, as we end every podcast with a bird question. Welcome to the bird zone. This is the aviary. I'll add some little bird

sound effects in the background. Yeah, yeah. Larry Bird, let's call this person, writes, I attended high school in Calgary with my best friend. Her and I have been the best of friends for two years now

and tell each other absolutely everything. This is great and all, and I care for her very much. However, she's begun to act strange for two days ago now. She's purchased two birds, common bred generic birds if it matters,

and has adamantly refused to tell me their names. When I first found out about the birds, I asked the question any friend would ask, what are their names? And was answered

with a simple yet cold no. I didn't think much. I narrowed it down to a simple mood swing and moved on however i tried again the next day between classes yesterday i casually said word for word oh hey about those birds you never mentioned their names she responded with stop obviously i have stopped asking i respect her boundaries however this has gotten to me significantly. Have I crossed a line? Have I offended her? I know I should just let it go, but goddammit, I really want to know those birds'

names by now. I can't ask her again, clearly. I also can't go to her house and see them, as her parents are very Christian and do not want me, a male, around their daughter. So, I feel totally stuck. Should I give up on the birds? Have I missed something huge? Apologies for the frantic phone, email, and any grammatical issues, as I am quite nervous at the moment. Sorry for the essay length as well. Thanks.

Love, Larry Bird. P.S. I hate to say this, but she isn't on her period, as that ended last week. Jesus Christ. What? Did she really say that? Yeah, P.S. So you know when her period, as that ended last week. Jesus Christ. What? Did she really say that? Yeah, PSA.

So you know when her period is. You know when she menstruates and she won't tell you the name of the birds. I know your cycle. The least thing you can tell me is the name of the birds. Fuck it, I'll guess until you tell me. I need to know! What's a good name for a bird?

Tweety. Yeah, that's a famous one. And Karen. That's even better. I don't know what I was thinking with Tweety. Compared to Tweety, Karen is crap. She's got two. Karen and Tweety.

Those are the names. The end. Case closed. Yeah, why is she being so secretive about it? No. I must know the names of the birds. Stop! Get away from me!

You're crazy! You're obsessed, Blary! Why does she have such a debilitating lisp? You don't need to know about my birds! This is the type of shit that goes on in calgary like these are hashtag calgary problems we've all been there we've all seen the twitter account we're worried about the obstruction of justice here in america you're thinking you're we're worried about russian invasion over here and you're thinking about fucking bird names. I wish I had your problems. Why do you care about the bird names?

Don't ask. Stop asking and maybe it'll slip up. This kind of stuff does really eat away at you, though. When people are just... She must want him to freak out. Or maybe she's embarrassed or maybe she didn't name the birds yet. Oh, that's interesting. Or maybe she, like you said, she wants you to want to know.

And the less you care about it, the more she'll be like, fine, I'll tell you one name. You're like, I'm not even interested. That's so quintessential you. Yeah, a little mind game. You can play those. You can really fake caring. Oh, yeah, I can fake caring and I can fake not caring. Oh, yeah, you can fake not caring so well. Oh, yeah. I can fake caring and I can fake not caring. Yeah, you can fake not caring so well.

It's crazy. What's an example of me faking to not care? When the Lakers are losing and Marty's teasing you. And you start, like, rooting for the Blazers or something. Yeah, rooting for the other team just to rub in the fact that I don't care. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I would say I fake Karen so much, you should call me Farron from now on.

Oh, hi, I'm Farron. This is another podcast. Yeah, Farron. It's sort of a fashion blog slash liberal e-zine slash... Where you play a woman that everybody must know as a man because that's the voice that you use. Yes, this is Farron. I guess we're going to be talking about a new Target collection

that's coming out. All right. A collaboration with DVF. Holy shit, you guys. Farron is back. Farron alert. This tube top has to go on me. On me.

I think you ask a friend. Find her closest friend and you say, I will tell you when she gets her period if you tell me the name of the birds. Tit for tat, quid pro quo, yes or no. You'll want to know when she's menstruating as much as I do. Oh, or you free the birds. Set the birds free.

Steal them. And then she'll post a wanted ad or call them around, like, wander around her yard calling to them. And then you'll know their names. Farron! Adolphus! and then you'll know their names. Farron! Adolphus! Where are you? Feed the birds!

All right. You'll find out the names. Feed the cheese. Okay. Thanks so much for listening to this podcast. That's it. If you have your own questions,

your own emails, your own theme song submissions, send them all to ifireyoushow at gmail.com The opening theme song was written by a guy named Sebastian. This closing one was written by a straight-up band called the Cane Breakers from Louisiana.

We played one of their old ones from 2013, and here's a brand new one. And they have an album right now at Cane Breakers. Cane is C-A-N-E, breakers.com. Thanks for listening, everybody. Thanks for keeping those theme songs coming 275 episodes that's number 275

oh I should say we crossed the four year mark hell yeah happy anniversary to us our podcast is now four years old

who would have thunk it our new little project is longer is lasting longer than an entire presidential term what a time to be alive

especially because this one's gonna be two years. Know what I'm saying? Ha! What? Sorry. We'll be back next week, y'all.

Todah. Good night. Good fight. Goodbye. Ciao. Ciao. Ciao. Ciao. Jake and Amir Have a podcast

Where they answer something else Only one Hosted by France and the Mitch And sometimes a game boy We don't know what to do We need some help from two Boy, we don't know what to do We need some help from two, yes dudes My boyfriend is corny

My Tinder game has no hope I'm just lonely and horny. I want to be hashtag dope. That was a HeadGum Podcast.