Segments - 278: Street Fighter Sex

Episode Date: June 12, 2017

In this episode we discuss class clowns, mad dads, and bad tats. Questions compiled by our new awesome summer interns! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Life isn't the best place for entertainment Staking a beer is where I go These two dudes give some mad advice In the basement where they talk though I'm in a very sort of sticky situation

That's just me, so trust me and give it a chance. Now, if it's in queue to stop, mom, turn on the podcast and then we start to dance. And I'm singing like Matt Damon is the perfect human. I wish I could find Raven's nasty. So come and now seize the cheese. I need some advice about my pee. I might just go and cut my losses and find a Starbucks close to me. Come and I'll seize the cheese.

Come, come and I'll seize the cheese. This show is if I were you. We get advice from these two Jews. If we're lucky, they're search dude. This show is if I were you. Last night I was in my room it's meant to episode 122 every day to get a mirror do something new this show is if i were you this show is if i were you This show isn't for you Whoa, Seth Dyer with the Ed Sheeran parody.

You'll never guess how old that singer-songwriter is, Seth Dyer, that wrote this song. Five. Uh, yeah. He's five? Well, not five, 15. Wow. Yeah. That's five? Well, not five. Fifteen. Wow. Yeah.

That's pretty impressive. Ninth grade. Since I am so young, I haven't really made anything else except for this. But you should plug my Instagram. His name is Seth Dyer, D-Y-E-R, and his Instagram is Dyer Consequences. How do I spell it? D-Y-E-R dot consequences. D-Y-E-R dot consequences. How do I spell it? D-Y-E-R dot consequences. D-Y-E-R dot consequences. All right, one second. I'm just going to see if he posts any music there.

On his Instagram? I don't think so. He says he hasn't done any music, but he plans on producing more in high school and college. 15 years old is so young to be able to do that. What did you do at age 15? I was making jackass style videos with my friends. What do you mean by jackass style? Like I was running around my neighborhood in a Spider-Man costume. We would like put a box or a trash can on the street. Yeah. And then like as passerby would come around,

I would like leap out from the box and run into the woods or something. Got it. So in the pantheon of jackass videos, it's like... This guy says, plug my Instagram and it's fucking private. Well, you can add him. No. Too proud to request.

You are 15 after all. You're getting mad at a ninth grader i yeah not the first time uh in jackass videos there's people that do scary things there's people that do painful things then there's people that do like exciting things and then there's just like weird weird pranks like dressing up as like a little a tidy whitey boy and i was the. I was the Chris Pontius of my group. So you were down to embarrass yourself. Yeah. And my buddy Ian, he was the Steve-O.

He was down to hurt himself. Who else? What else is there? There's like scary stuff, like jumping off stuff. Well, isn't that sort of, that's Steve-O. What about the skill stuff, like the skateboarding? That was my buddy Eli. He was more of the Bam Margera

of the crew. And my buddy Kevin was the Ryan Dunn because he's dead now. Jesus Christ. Also, I would tase him on purpose. I'll tase his nuts. I was more the Johnny Knoxville, actually. And you were the Dave England.

I was the uncle. What's the uncle? Oh, Don Vito. Yeah, I was Don Vito. He's dead too. Oh, really? Damn. So my friends would sort of slap me and run away or they'll shave my head.

You were often antiqued as a child. God, even as a 15-year-old, I was like, man, Bam Marger is kind of a dick. Yeah, Bam Marger is seemingly a true asshole. Yeah, and then they would throw him in a pit of snakes every once in a while. And I was like, all right, I guess he got what was coming to him. Yeah. Which is funny because he would be like, get me out of here. I swear I hate snakes.

And didn't he like also, wasn't it him that like really came up with everything? Oh, was it? I think so. Maybe it was Johnny Knoxville. He was a skateboarder too, right? Yeah. Yeah. He was very good. It seems like if you had friends like that, you should not tell them what your biggest fear is. That seems like a dangerous game. I would love to watch a jackass documentary, but like not produced by the jackass guys uh-huh like just a really somber serious

like look and interview with you know what they what they created what they did who they were yeah almost like a 30 for 30 but it's not really about sports yeah that'd be cool i wonder maybe we can produce that let's pitch them okay hold on let me tweet at knoxville right now shit he's dead too. Oh my God. God, they live such fast and furious lives. It would be funny if Steve-O outlived them all. He seems indestructible. He is clean now.

All right, anyway, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me and Jake. I'm Amir Blumenfeld. I'm Amir Shmuel Blumenfeld. And I am Penn Cooper. Whoa. I'm going to drop the Jewish parts of my name. So. Just Anglo.

Oh, I got my 23andMe back. Did you know that? Oh, your DNA test? Yeah. And? I am 100% Jewish. Technically, I'm more, uh, uh, British and Irish, uh, and French and German. I'm more like European than, uh, so I'm like 48% all those European things.

And then, uh, 47% Ashkenazi Jew. Wow. So it's straight, straight right down the middle, basically. So if Ashkenazi Jew is a 47% chunk, it seems like the rest is made out of smaller portions. Yeah, I think those go further back. Like on my mom's side, it's like kind of mixed. They were in England and Ireland for a long time. But then I guess like on my dad's side, they're just 100%. They're from like Belarus or something.

So did you learn anything? Did they tell you anything about like diseases and stuff or just like, yeah, they tell you what you're a carrier for. And if you're like susceptible to Alzheimer's and stuff and, uh, no, I'm not going to, well,

according to this thing, I'm not, uh, at risk for Alzheimer's or, uh, Parkinson's Alzheimer's. And I forget the other one. Uh, no, I am very high at risk. Of course. That's why I forget the other one. No, I'm very high at risk.

Of course. That's why I make those jokes. You have to. I'm already displaying very serious symptoms of early onset dementia, diabetes, and I have a new disease. You're also completely incontinent. I'm piss guessing myself. Would you rather get a disease that is curable but bad, say a cancer, or a disease so rare that they call it Jake Hurwitz disease? Curable. All right.

Hey, it's better. What kind of legacy is it to have the worst thing happen to you? It's kind of cool you have a disease named after you. Yeah, I don't think so. So what I want, Amir Blumenfeld's disease or ABD to be. That's when your eyes and your eyes fall out and dick falls off. It's when you have diarrhea and lice at the same damn time. Can you believe that?

Sufferers from ABD have an itchy scalp and wet shit trickling down their thighs literally at all times. Hot shit too. So you have like sort of fecal matter on your hands a lot, but then you're also itching your scalp. That's right. Yeah. And there's only one cure for it. And the feces in your hair begets more lice. And the lice beget more shit somehow.

It's a nervous cycle. And there's only one cure. And that's to kiss me on the cheek. Insane. Which is why you can't cure it because I'm the biggest carrier of all. Anyway, think about it. Let me know if you want it. That's also a way to catch it. The cure is the disease. How fucked up is that? So for this episode, we had a new crop of interns join us, right? Correct. And these are questions that the interns found for us this first batch.

We gave them access, fart-blanche access to the emails. And this is the first couple questions that came up. Shout out to our interns. You know all their names? There's Gurley McGee, Guy Guy, Girl 2, and then there's Guy, the other guy. Oh, yeah. First Guy, then Guy Guy, Gurly McGee, and Girl 2. Yeah.

Who's your favorite so far? I like Girly McGee. I think Guy Guy's pretty good. Yeah. Mine's a tie between Guy Guy and Guy 2. I only like the guys. Guy 2's new. Did you read these questions?

I haven't read them yet. Do you have them? Do you have them in your head? Yeah. Oh, you have them? Do you have them in your head? Oh, you know what? We'll give them a name from, we'll name them after each of the interns. So these are, oh, that's a good idea.

These are questions that are kid tested and mother approved. You're the mother. And I get a kicks out of them. Come on, mommy, read the questions. Oh, this is funny. You're teasing me by calling me a woman. Like that's a kicks out of them. Come on, mommy, read the questions. Oh, this is funny. You're teasing me by calling me a woman. Like that's a bad thing to be.

I was just saying that you're nicked. Like being a mother is a bad thing. Like that's the negative. I don't think so. I think mothers are very strong, protective. I think so too. It's just funny to call you mommy. Been through it all.

You're amazing women. Okay. All right. So I'll call you mommy. So we'll take the position of, I think women are strong and capable and you think it's fun to belittle them. Don't call me mommy. What?

It makes me sound gay. All right. So this one comes from Guy Guy, aka John George. Oh, that's good. All right. John George writes, hi, guys. So Ia. John George. Oh, that's good. All right. John George writes, Hi, guys. So I've always been the class clown.

I was a youngster because I enjoy making people laugh. Sorry, never mind. Here we go. This is the real question. Hi, guys. So I've always been the class clown since I was a youngster because I enjoy making people laugh. The problem is I quickly realized nobody takes you seriously when you're the funny one. I started a new job recently where I would actually like to progress within,

but I have quickly gone back to the old loop of me making them laugh and them quickly laughing at my expense. I'm never going to get a promotion if everybody thinks I'm the village idiot, but I'm not sure how else to socialize. Please advise, John George. So he's a class clown, and he fears that that's not giving him respect. In the office. I like to imagine that this guy has a very, very serious job

in counterintelligence, and that he's putting his dick through a donut hole in the kitchen. Whoa! Anyway, I am a criminal justice attorney and a social worker. None of my little fart jokes are getting a lot of play in the office. If anything, they're... Putting a whoopee cushion on Comey's chair during the hearing. Who heard that?

Have you ever suffered this? The problem is we're class clowns, but our jobs were at comedy websites. Yeah, so it helped that we had to be funny. Yeah. Can you imagine a job so serious that it would hurt to be funny? Yeah, I feel like there were times at College Humor where I would get nervous that I hadn't been funny enough. Yeah, you're taking this too seriously.

People didn't laugh at any of my jokes today. I need to step it up. I have to be funny. Yeah. Y'all want to play quiplash? That's a quiplash. So how can you,

how can you, you don't want to be less funny. That doesn't seem like it's good. I feel like they're, I'm inferring

that he's doing a lot of like slapstick, you know, this guy's like an actuary and he's walking into a boardroom and mushing a pie

in his face. Like that kind of humor. We imagine 1950s Jerry Lewis walking around sort of yelling at people. Waka waka. Holding pets while they're being put down. I feel like you could still be fun. Like you can have a good sense of humor, especially if your job is sort of like a dry kind of job, you know? If you have even a little sense of humor, especially if your job is sort of like a dry kind of job, you know? If you have even a little sense of humor, you might be able to use, like, that's also called charm. You could be charming and funny and quirky and a little silly, but you don't have to be like big ham bone piss your pants to make people laugh. They don't have to be laughing at you. Can you be charming without being funny?

Mm-hmm. You're just nice and British? Yeah, I think you could... Well, you could be charming, and you could... I think you could be funny in lots of different ways without, like, cracking jokes. You could just, like, be nervous

and have an interesting vocabulary, and that's, like, funny to people. That's, like be nervous and have an interesting vocabulary. And that's like funny to people. That's like what Hugh Grant is. Yeah. He's a little bumbling, but charming. But he's also funny. But he's not. Yeah, I guess so. But I think he's not, he's not like outwardly funny. He sort of finds himself in funny situations and his word choices are different. Yeah. You could also be charming by just being really polite, I think. You know what would be cool? If as a human you could trade in some stuff for other stuff. So, for example, I would trade in some comedy and I would sprinkle a little bit of like...

Abs. Yeah, abs and dick. So, would you be 10% less funny to have 10% more dick and more abs? Let's see. What's 10% of a foot and a half? I really have an 18-inch cock. That's a problem. It is.

I'll sacrifice comedy to make it smaller. It's way too long, and it's always soft. It won't get hard. It's a soft little fucking straw wrapper It's a bird Wait, so it's a straw wrapper? You said it was 18 inches It is 18 inches, but it's a straw wrapper

So it's very thin And a thin little paper cock 18 inches schlong It's a noodle It is a little noodle It's a fucking noodle It's overcooked Overcooked and underdelivered

It is not al dente It is al fucking noodle. Mm-hmm. It's overcooked and under-delivered. It is not al dente. It is al bunday. I don't know what that means. Anyway, sacrifice some of that classic joke. Al bunday. That could be a cool short film. It's like everybody has like Xbox stats, like comedy, vertical leap, impressibility,

introversion, outroversion, and then you can trade and adjust accordingly. Oh, yeah, that's cool. I mean, that's like when you're setting up a video game character. There's only a certain amount of boxes that you can go and sometimes it would be like all strength and none of the agility or speed.

Right. What do you... I guess that's like the future. That's cool. I'm trying to think, what am I... What are you high in? What am I high in? What am I low in? I guess that's like the future. That's cool. I'm trying to think, what am I? What are you high in? What am I high in? What am I low in? I guess I'm high in comedy, low in math and like numbers, being smart at math. Being good at math? Yeah.

But would you trade it? Like, do you necessarily wish you were better at math or it doesn't really come up that often? I mean, think I was better at something? I feel like that's all like strength things. I would like to be able to run fast and jump high. Oh, athletics. Yeah.

Oh, you know what? I have like sort of bad coordination. I'd rather have good coordination. Hand eye? Yeah. Or hand cock?

Hand eye. Hand eye. Yeah. Of course. Amazing coordination between my hand and my cock. You jerk off with your left hand or your right? Left.

Nice. Yeah. But I dribble with my right. Interesting. I think that's because you got it. Well, do you watch porn? Do you use a computer to watch porn or a phone to watch porn? Yeah.

Or do you use your imagination? I would say it's a healthy mix between those three. Those three? Yeah. I can use my imagination. I've jerked off with my imagination in 10 years. Why? I save that for when I'm fucking.

There's only a certain amount of imagination points I get every lifetime. And if I waste it when I'm alone, what I do is I use my computer when I'm fucking. That way I can use my imagination when I'm alone. And I use my tablet when I'm jerking off. My iPad. I'll use the back of both of my heels, too. So I'm hands-free. Yeah, I have a Bluetooth.

Oh, aren't you in like your, so you're doing a headstand on your forearms against a wall. A plank of sorts. Yeah, heels around your 18-inch noodle. Dick. I'm sitting Indian style. Yeah. Indian style, upside down. Uh-huh.

And you're watching TV like your phone is on the floor. I'm looking like Dhalsim, right? Okay, so I'm using yoga dick, and then it's, like, coming out of there as fire. So that's sort of a Hadouken. Yeah. It's also, it can be interpreted as a Hadouken, or a

lit spot Kadouken. I think I'm gonna start saying Hadouken when I orgasm. I think that's nice. Hadouken when I orgasm. I think that's nice. Hadouken! That's really good. I'm close. I'm close. Oh, oh.

Hadouken! Yeah. And I feel like if the lady appreciates a good Street Fighter 2 reference, then she'll stick around. Do you imagine it's Ryu or Ken? Ken. Because they both do Hadouken. Yeah, that is weird. I picture myself as Ken as well.

Yeah, and then if you can make your lady go all the way, she can be like, spinning side clit! And then she just starts rotating like, you know, 360 degrees over and over. Chun-Li, is that who that is? Yeah, Chun-Li, upside down style. We should, on our Twitch, we should play Street Fighter. Can we do that? Oh, I can.

I imagine you're just a Dhalsim, you in the corner, punching with long arms. Not even punching, I'm just getting up and throwing you, unblockable, cheesing all the way down to zero energy. You're bad at video games, but you have, like, there's one thing you can do in each game that's endlessly

annoying that people you always win. Like in GoldenEye, I'll use proximity mines to my advantage. That was, oh man, I think we talked about this on the podcast, but that trip that we took where I was running the table, I beat everybody at GoldenEye, but the one thing I couldn't do is beat you with proximity mines. What's that level called, or it's like two floors? Not the temple? Not the temple? Not the temple.

The facility? It's two floors, but like the floors are like almost translucent so you can put a proximity mine underneath. Oh, I think that's the facility. Yeah. Anyway, we should play this on our Twitch. Shout out to our Twitch, twitch.tv slash headgum. We've been playing games.

We've been having fun. We've been chatting. We've been playing games. We've been having fun. We've been chatting. We've been interacting with fans. If you don't really know about Twitch, we didn't really know about Twitch before we got started. But it's fairly easy to watch along. You don't necessarily need a Twitch account. You need a Twitch account to subscribe that I think you can watch when it's happening live.

And we usually post about it on our Twitter or Facebook. So check out the twitch.tv slash headgum. Trying to do it every Friday. And for advice to this guy, I think you can continue making people laugh. That's a great quality. But you don't have to be the clown. You can be the comic.

There's a difference between a clown and a comic? There sure is. All right, Next question. This one also comes from a guy, but let's give him a lady's name. Oh, you know what? Riley. That sort of can be interpreted either way. That's a unisex. Yeah. Female intern, but it could be also a male's name. Okay. Hello, boys. I'm a high school junior dude in the U.S., and I have a weird predicament. So the other day I was with my dad at the high school because he plays pickup basketball with some other dads in town, and I thought I'd join in to shoot some hoops. While talking to some of the other dads, one of them jokingly asked about the inside scoop on his son, who's in my grade.

I don't really like to lie, so I was just bluntly honest. I flat-out told the dad in grave detail how much of a dickling his son was. Looking back, I basically berated the father and went on about how his son is a wicked roach and how he's actually a really big idiot. I wouldn't have been so candid, but in the past years of high school, the kid has been really mean to me and my friends. Having the dad there, I saw the opportunity to go off. I don't really regret what I did because the bitch kind of deserves it for raising the spawn of Satan.

But now my dad's mad at me for being a coy boy of himself. He also told me that I can't come with him to basketball anymore. Anyway, what should I do? Do I really apologize because I don't want to? Loving kisses from yours bitchly, Riley. I like the question. Oh, there's a PS here. Oh?

PS, I was a little nervous to go back to the school the Monday after because I thought that the son of my dad I yelled at was going to beat me up or be mad at me because I basically tattled. Of course. But the dad must have been pretty upset about it and yelled at the kid or something because ever since then, whenever I'm around, the diva roach averts his eyes and uh gaze and honestly looks scared of me and what can i do aka tell on him until he's yelled at should i tell on him until he's yelled at uh i like the idea of like do i have to apologize like as if it like

actually does anything like i really don't mean it I don't want to say I'm sorry. Fine, I will. I'm sorry. Oh, it hurts me so much. It changes everything. It hurts so much to say it. Fuck. This is funny.

He told on a friend. He told on a bully to his dad. What a weird thing. Would you rather raise a bully or a nerd? Nerd. Loser. I'm raising a bully. You or a nerd? Nerd. Loser. I'm raising a bully. You're a nerd.

Exactly. I want to raise my kid to be such an asshole he would beat the shit out of me if given the chance. Wow. Yeah, that's right. A nerd would also beat the shit out of you. It seems like it worked. This guy is seemingly scared slash nicer to him. Yeah. like it worked this guy is seemingly scared slash nicer to him yeah i mean i don't think they're i at first so i just don't like that this guy hid behind the the guise of like i had to be

honest like don't pretend to be a no like you did you went off you don't have you don't have to uh like really throw this kid under the bus. That's not being honest. That's like being, you're being opportunistic. So at least own the fact, which I guess he does by the end, admit that he straight up wanted to ruin this kid's life. But you never have really carte blanche access. I keep saying that. But you never have free reign to tell on a kid to their father.

So when the opportunity arose, especially because the dad asked them, he can... It's weird that this would be an opportunity, though. I would never have done this. If somebody's like, how's my kid? If he's a piece of shit, I would just be like, I don't really know him. Oh, really? Yeah. But if this kid's been tormenting you, it would be kind of fun to be like, you know what?

Funny you should ask. He's a pretty big asshole and nobody likes him. Yeah, I mean, he's got a lot of cojones to do that. Yeah. I think the proper channels would have been to talk to your dad and then that dad could have talked to the other dad. Dads talk to dads. Kids don't talk to dads. Oh, that question had a funny email subject, isn't it? It's like some weird rhyme that doesn't quite make sense. Made us laugh.

Really? I don't recall. It's like, I yell dad, and now mine thinks I'm bad or something like that. One second. All right. I archived it because I thought we were done with the segment. Actually, as I archived it, I was like- You deleted it permanently?

Yeah. I yelled one dad and now mine is mad. I yelled one dad. So you must say, I yelled at one dad and now mine is mad. I guess like as a dad, I would be mad if my kid was like rude to another dad. You'd be a mad dad. I would be a mad dad. You got to respect your parents.

So like you went off on one dad, your dad's mad. You got to be like, I'm sorry, dad. My bad, dad. Yeah. I didn't make to make my dad mad. I don't think that's your place. So he shouldn't have done it. And now, going forward, what can he do?

I mean, you might as well, like, you've gotten what you wanted. You wanted this kid to get in trouble and have it get back to... Yeah, he just wanted him to have a little nasty time at home. I don't think that his intention was to make the dad upset. So you should do your best to make the dad not upset. Otherwise, you're the bully. You just bullied a dad. How is that fair?

So your bully is in trouble. That's good. But the dad feels upset and bad. So you should apologize for that. That's fine. The net outcome is still positive. It's still pro you. And if the dad is that mad, ask the grandfather

what he thinks. Let him know that his dad didn't do anything. Granddad is the ultimate dad. You don't want to make grand mad. That would be the worst type of mad. All right. Let's take a break. Let's thank some more spawns. Let's be back after that. through for less than 350 yards and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff then you should play pick six from draft kings which is an official daily fantasy partner of the nfl wow so if you like watching football and it sounds like you do i do yeah i do a lot this this can really heighten your joy that's right i grew up a raiders fan and now i'm just a fan of the league in general but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like

football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action pass is like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kings pick six out select between two and six players for you to put some money on you select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple.

And for all first-time Pick 6 players, check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in Pick 6 credits. Very cool. Download the new DraftKings pick six app now and use code segments. That's code segments for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six

credits only on DraftKings pick six. The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregonconnecticut. Must be 18 plus.

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Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love.

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Guess who's back? Guess who's back? Guess who's back? I know you like us. Our show in San Francisco coming up is sold out. What? The next day we have a show in Portland that still has some tickets available on June 20th. Wow.

Our show the next night in L.A. is sold out. Then in July, we have a F.I.R.E.U. show in Montreal as part of the Comedy Festival on July 26th. Now that one's worth taking a vacation for. And then the following day, there's a whole HeadGum showcase with the Twinnovation boys, Black Man Can't Jump, me, and you are hosting. You're hosting Twinnovation. Oh, yeah. I'm going to guest host Twinnovation boys, Black Man Can't Jump, me and you are hosting. You're hosting Twinnovation. Oh, yeah. I'm going to guest host Twinnovation. How's that?

I'm very excited. So you're going to take over Carnell's seat. Oh, yeah. Does he trust you to do so? I'm a little worried this whole thing is an elaborate ruse or something or a prank, a public oinking of myself. Uh-huh. But I've got nothing but love and respect for the mama bear. You have to show her deference.

So, oh, wait. So our show in Montreal is July 25th, which is a Tuesday. And then the HeadGum Live, which we're hosting, is Wednesday, July 26th. And those are, I think they're both in the same theater? The Maison? Yes, yes. Both in the same theater? The Maison? Yes, yes, both in the same theater. I'll put the link up on jakeandamir.com so you guys can buy tickets. Yeah, check those out.

Buy your tickets now, because I think at some point they go to just, like, festival pass holders or something. I don't know how it works, but buy tickets. Cool, great, awesome, fun, friendly. Oh, this poster looks nice. Amir Khan hooked us up with an awesome HeadGum Live. Yeah, go check out the poster.

What else we got coming up? You're going camping next week, so we have to pre-record a podcast. Oh, yeah, baby. Where are you headed? I'm going to go to, I'm flying from, my cousin's getting married this weekend. Actually, we don't have time for this. Let's read another. What do you have?

I'm going to Connecticut tomorrow. Cousin's wedding. Cousin's wedding. Then from there, me and my bro flying to Seattle. I think it's really cool you didn't say gay wedding, by the way. Really? Very progressive of you. Well, he's married a woman, but that's...

Got it. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So it was. But it's kind of... But it would be fine if it was gay wedding. Totally.

And I probably wouldn't have said he's marrying a... It's almost really... It's really woke that you didn't say straight wedding. Oh, yeah. Just like... Well, actually, I meant to say straight wedding, as they all should be. Got it. Okay.

Uh-huh. Back to sleep with me. Uh-huh. I won't even stir. Nice. Then I'm going to Seattle with my bro. We're renting a van, a Volkswagen Westfalia. A Nissan Quest.

And then we're going to drive to Olympic National Park. Which is in Western Washington? Yep. Right near, by the Pacific Ocean. Okay. And from there, in Camp Two Days, and then we're going to North Cascades National Park, which is one of the most under-visited national parks in America. I believe it gets around 27,000 visitors per year.

Oh, yeah. I see it right now on Google search. Yeah. I can tell why. It is just black, rocky terrain that's too cold and slippery to navigate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, look at this park. It is just a slick, wet rock.

It's unwelcoming is what it is. Everybody should Google it. They call it the American Alps. Oh, yeah. It does kind of look like Switzerland a slick, wet rock. It's unwelcoming is what it is. Everybody should Google it. They call it the American Alps. Oh, yeah. It does kind of look like Switzerland a little bit. Yeah. Are you going to get a cool hiking stick? I guess maybe I should.

I'm actually worried because we booked these, like, all of our campsites and we're, like, planning on swimming in all these lakes. And then I looked at the weather for the next week and it's like 50 degrees during the day, 29 at night. Yeah. Saturday's weather is high of 43, low of 30 with sleet. Yeah. That's crazy. Well, thankfully I'll be in Connecticut on Saturday. Right. We got to start looking at Monday. Yeah. Monday's actually worse. High of nine, low of negative 27. Look at this. Yeah. Frozen tundra.

The weather icon is just these frozen little bricks that appear to be falling out of a black, black cloud. The icon for Thursday is just you and your brother's dead body frozen inside a van. Weird. What's that movie? Into the Wild Style. Oh, yeah. Are you

going to Northern California? Yeah, this week I'm going to Northern California. I have one niece and a play, one niece and a dance show, which should be very cute. Nice. Yeah, two nieces for the price of fun. Which one?

Older one dance, younger one play? Older one play, younger one dance, and it is a hip-hop dance. Is it really hip-hop? I've gotten some sneak previews, and it's to the Missy Elliott song. My midway. It's crazy, no elaborating. I've gotten some sneak previews, and it's to the Missy Elliott song. Oh my God. This is so progressive. And if they're lucky, Uncle Amir might join both performances. I'll get a little brandy drunk. And if the situation strikes me or if the courage arises in me.

Unacceptable. They'll want me as part of the show and I will be very happy to oblige. Interesting. I feel like the inspiration and courage will both arise and strike because I've heard you practicing up here in the studio late night. Yeah. So you're preparing. It's not just like going to be on a whim. That's right. And they'll want me on part of the show because I am, after all, a cellwebrity.

Wow, loser. That's so awesome. It reminds me of, I used to watch my sisters play softball and I would like pitch. I would like have catch with my dad behind the backstop. Yeah. And I would always imagine that the coach would like see me throwing and be like, you have to play. And the women's softball. A little kid fantasizing about being on a girl's softball team. A younger girl's softball.

They were older. They were older. There was a lot of talent on that team. They were the warriors of softball. I can do the, what's it called? The underhand fast pitch? The windup. Yeah, the windup and the strike.

Throw in high heat. God, I would love to throw some chin music, sort of scare some of the girls off the plate. Brush them back. Yeah, off the plate. Let them know what's what. Man, Cascade National Park. I'm just looking at photos.

It looks extremely epic. High altitude plus a lake. It's Monday when this comes out right now, right? Yeah. So I am arriving. Well, actually, I'm going to be in an Olympic National Park for Monday. But follow my ass on Instagram, at Jake Hurwitz. There's going to be some really beautiful grams and stories.

Of course. All right. Should we get back to the questions and answers? Yeah. Let's give the people what they want. Oh, this one's from a lady. Let's call her Lauren. Lauren.

Dear the podcast. I'm a lady. I've got a sticky situation. This guy I knew from kindergarten through high school contacted me out of the blue. He was a jock type and I stuck to the art world. We were more like acquaintances than friends. He actually dated a few of my friends and confided in me a bit. But we haven't had any contact since high school and we're 26, 27 now. He lives in Chicago and I'm in Philly. He contacted me to ask for a tattoo designed and applied by me.

The problem, I'm not a tattoo artist. I bought a tattoo machine a couple years ago and gave myself a few shitty tattoos. Jesus. I told him all this, showed him pictures, etc. He doesn't care. He even offered to fly me out to Chicago to do it. Whoa. Thinking this would never happen, and out of the hilarity, I agreed to do it if he ever visited Philly.

Well, he's coming. What should I do? He has tribal tattoos, so, like, I know I could give him a decent small design tattoo on a thigh or something. Also, the dude's a smoke show despite the tribal, and there was quite a bit of sexual innuendo

and flirting in our messaging. Should I just avoid him entirely, meet up with the intention of tattooing, but bang instead? Or give him a friggin' tattoo and then bang him? Appreciate your thoughts. Oh, that sounds painful, giving someone a tattoo. I've always thought about receiving a tattoo, but the idea of giving someone a tattoo, like wiping the blood away. Yeah.

How do you get a tattoo machine? Anybody can just get that? I think they're just for sale. A tattoo machine? Yeah. Like the little gun? Yeah Like the little gun

Isn't it attached to something? Or is it a portable little gun that you can bring anywhere? Let's see I mean, it's portable I don't think it's like I think it's attached to a nitrogen-oxygen tank, right? And then you pump it with your foot like a wah-wah pedal And as you're pumping it, it's piercing the skin.

I'll give this guy a fucking tat. I feel like, what's the shame? How hard can it be? And then how do you do colors and shading and shit? Interesting. If it's like a pen, how do you do it so that it's shaded? It comes with little ink cartridges, just like a computer. Yeah, but like with a pencil, you sort of lighten up.

Tattoo machines are like kind of cheap. Really? $100? That seems, you sort of lighten up. Tattoo machines are like kind of cheap. Really? $100? That's cheaper than a tattoo. That's too cheap. And what about the ink? Is this the high-end shit? I want that good shit.

It looks like it's like a little briefcase with lots of different ink colors. Cartridges. Oh, that seems painful. All right. Why not give him a tattoo? What's the downside? That you fuck up? You already don't have a relationship with this guy.

He wants it. You've given him all of this, like, everything. It's all out on the table. Like, I don't really know what I'm doing. Here are pictures of what I've done before. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, I like it. Just make sure to clean the needles.

Don't give him a mere Blumenfeld disease. Because I have used those. It sounds like she bought one that I was selling off Craigslist. Really? Yeah. I was selling a used tattoo kit. That you use to tattoo your scalp so it's covered in lice. Do you think that there's a used tattoo, what's it called?

Tattoo machine? Uh-huh. On Craigslist right now? Yes. Used tattoo machine? You don't have to specify used, I don't think. Yeah. Yeah, look at that.

How much are they? It's called a Neo Tat Tattoo Machine foot pedal. So there is a little foot pedaling going on. Interesting. I mean, if you put it on his thigh or somewhere, then that's like a little sexy, and he can also cover it up easily. I will say, if you really don't want to tattoo him, he is 100% taking this trip to bang you,

so you can just like meet up, pre-tattoo, say, hey, like, let's get a drink. We do the tattoo tomorrow. You guys fuck. You talk. You like, whatever, and then you playfully be like, do you really want a tattoo, or do you want to just like keep on hanging and fucking for the weekend? You're saying you don't trust that this guy's flying to Philly just to see her to get an amateur tattoo?

Yeah, I think you could get a tattoo anywhere. For cheaper than the price of Philly. Yeah, yeah. And you, I know people like choose specific tattoo artists, but that's usually based on a really specific idea they have for a tattoo. Not like, I'm desperate to get tattooed by this amateur tattoo artist that I knew when I was in high school. He's just trying to fuck. I wonder if you can buy a tattoo removal machine. I guess you can buy them, but it'd probably be pretty dangerous because it's a straight up laser.

Those are, I think, much more expensive. Laser. Let's read the next question. I wasn't done answering this one. And I'll finish it. For $1 million. Oh, my God. Mini-me.

Mini-me wouldn't fly today. He wasn't very woke. Absolutely not. I'm trying to think if I had something to say. Oh, yeah. Jock and art lady is a pretty cool duo. Yeah, I like that. It's like a sitcom.

Yeah, jock and art lady. Or the other way around, artistic guy and jock girl. Yeah, it's like Dharma and Greg. Was Greg an athlete? I bet he was in high school. At the very least, an athlete. And you know Jenna Elfman was tattooing people on the side. She was a field hockey star, actually.

All right. Give him a tattoo or not. Have sex with him for sure. Oh, yeah. What if he's like, for the tat, I want to do hash marks for every time we fuck? Then I guess tattoo his dick really hard. The first one. And then every time you fuck, you can have a little fuck.

See how much he wants to do it the next time. That's right. All right, one last question. Oh, yeah. This one is from George. We have a John George and just a George. That's correct. Got it.

All right. Hey, George. That's correct. Got it. All right. Hey, dudes. Love the show. Here's my sticky situation. I have a customer that comes into my store about once a month. This lady is a nightmare. She's at least 80 years old, weighs over 350 pounds, has horrific body odor, and a fuzzy white mustache that you would not believe. Fuzzy white.

Yep. On top of all that, she has a very bossy and overall rude personality. She's the old lady version of Batman's villain, the Penguin. I could handle the once a month visits, but now she's discovered the bar I go to every Monday with my friends and goes out of her way to go there every week. She even joined a shuffleboard league at the bar. She knows me by name and will call out for me to come give her a hug as soon as she notices

me. I try to ignore her as she waddles up to our table and actually invites herself to sit down. She has a disturbingly creepy, flirty vibe about her. She will often mention how unhappy her husband makes her and jokes about how she wishes

she was younger so I could see her wild side whoa when she drinks a lot she will even pull me in and try to kiss my neck gah my friends have absolutely had enough of her they refuse to move our bar night to a different day and insist i should tell her to kindly fuck off i can't help but feel a little sorry for her since she is an older lady with obvious health issues. And as much as she drives me crazy, I can't convince myself to tell her to hit the road, whether in a civilized manner or yelling at her

like my friends want. What would you do if you were me? Thanks for the advice. Love, George. This guy's fucked. He can't do anything. I think you should tattoo

the old lady. I thought you were thinking of the last question. Oh, okay. Okay, okay. Every once in a while, life hands you a little checkmate where you can't move in any direction without being fucked. Yeah. So you have to fuck the old lady.

No. You're thinking again of the last question. She's already kissing his neck. I'm saying she's in Philly. Oh, God. A weirdo just has a crush on you. Yeah. And then you can't tell her anything because if you do, you're an asshole.

You really, I definitely, you cannot. First, your friends are being assholes if they're like, we don't want to move the bar. We want you to scream at an old woman. Change the bar. Change the night. You guys don't have to go. It's Monday night. You guys can do something different.

I want to ask. For a bit, just to throw her off. Just move it three weeks in a row. Is it ever fine to just sit someone down and nicely tell them to leave you alone? Maybe if they're not an old person. So if they're an old person, you can't do that? Game over. If it's an old person, you're not...

I think you're not allowed to be mean to old people. They have it the worst because their life sucks and they're still alive. Or do they have it the best because they've lived the whole life. That's the worst? To be done? Nobody wants to be done. Yeah, but if you're offending an old person, they're going to be dead soon. If you offend a young man, they have to live with that. So the last thing she hears before she dies is like,

is her crush telling her to go fuck off and nobody likes her and she's disgusting. Well, he doesn't have to say it like that. His friend wanted him to yell at her. Oh yeah, but can't you be like, I'm saying, is it rude to sit her down and be like, listen, you're very frustrating to me. I don't like you.

No, it's rude. Yeah, of course you can't do that. So what can you do? You're just stuck. Well, I think you can easily on the day be polite and just be like, it's great to see you. Have a shuffleboard. Enjoy your time.

I got to go see my friends. I think that's like polite. Oh, can you be a little rude to her? Yeah. So maybe if your friends are going to be this aggressive about it, you got to go to her, keep her away from your friends. You just run interference.

She's not going to be alive that much longer. Just say hi, bye, the end. Or you just move the fucking night of the, of the, of the, of the bar.

Yeah. But she'll find him. She'll find him. She's, he's only putting a bandaid over the problem. He's not getting to the root of the issue. Just go to a different bar on Mondays. You have to do something mean to her, or she'll keep liking you. This is crazy. No, you don't.

I would be a little rude to her. You would be a little rude to her? Yeah. You're a bad person. So I'd be like, hey, hi, I gotta go. Not like entertain her. I would not give her what she wants. But would that make her just hungrier? Potentially. It seems that does happen. He's

tried to ignore her and then she sits down at the table. Yeah. There are some people that don't read social cues. This is why I advocate moving every three years. Switch it up. New life. New you. You take the good with the bad. You won't see your friends again. You can drastically change your appearance. Get a nose job.

Dye your hair. Shave head, tattoos, the works. Change your body, change your face. Change your face. Yeah, you can get dental work or a nose job. Dental work to look different? You can dye your eyebrows. So what's the dental work to be different? You could have teeth pulled or added. Added? Yeah. You can get dental work to be different uh you could have teeth pulled or added added yeah you can get

dental work to add teeth you could get veneers so your teeth will be uh bigger and different that's interesting idea that's disgusting okay big fake white teeth or gray they don't have to they could be any color if they're fake big fake grays so So move to Denver or Dover, depending on where you're from and going to. Change your teeth. Two sleeves of tattoos, mostly white supremacy, and then one like a Disney reference just to be a little coy. Yeah. And then big gray teeth, buzz the head, dye your eyebrows light, light blonde.

Yeah. And do like mutton chops. Gel. A lot of gel too. Gel in the beard. Yeah. That's so gross. So bad for you.

Though I guess if you're graying your teeth, what's the diff? Right. Then you could put on 25 pounds like an actor trying to gain weight for a role. And your role is a guy that's getting the fuck away from this woman. Get out of Dodge, dude. All right. Thanks to you guys for listening. Thanks to our interns for coming up with those questions.

Or at least finding them, I should say. The email address for everything, if you have your own questions, is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. We now have more than just one or two people reading it. So the odds of you getting found are greater. Yep, shout out to the interns. Thanks, folks. Opening theme song was written by Seth Dyer.

Remember him? And this closing one is a... Let me find out who wrote it, but it's a parody of that song Africa, which is a really hard song to sing. And this guy tried his damnedest, actually. Let me search Africa Toto. Oh, yeah, it's David Warner.

David Warner made a parody of Africa by Toto. So thanks to David, Davey and Josh, as I should say, who wrote this theme song. Thanks to Seth, who wrote the opening. Thanks to the interns for finding the questions. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back if Jake survives his camping trip. And for ease of death.

In one week. Later, guys. I hear my brother cry out in the night As he and his girlfriend climax in the loft Of our family's condo I'm not quite sure if this is right Since my dad is downstairs sleeping On the fold-out couch of our living room

I think that I would like to move What would you two do if you were me? I could really use a bit of common sense. There'll probably be a hundred jokes or more at my expense. If I Were You is a podcast show. If I Were You. Well, they can teach you how to be a shadow gonna need your help because my life

is really sad ooh That was a HeadGum Podcast. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a mcchicken then get a small fry a small drink and a four-piece mcnuggets that's a lot of mcdonald's for not a lot of money price and participation may vary for a limited time only