Segments - 28: Love and Basketball

Episode Date: May 13, 2024

In this episode we flex our high NBA and Porn IQ, in a game of trivia-- then we spend a few minutes re-writing the national anthem.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number, so you have to edit it out, okay?

Let's hear it. 0913662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in, but we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. too. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations. They swear. Second. Another podcast.

Second. Each app different from the last. Second. It's the Swiss Army knife of shows. Now let's. Meet your two emphatic hosts. Second. Whoa. We should do a live show. It's becoming a tradition. Yeah. Emphatic hopes To set it right Whoa!

We should do a live show. It's becoming a tradition. Yeah. Yeah, because then everyone can do that in the crowd. It's kind of fun. So if you're not watching on YouTube right now, when the chorus of the theme song comes out, you sort of, your arms go straight up as high as they can.

Your elbows do not bend at all. It's like you're being held up by your mommy and daddy. But your hands also don't touch. Basically do a pencil dive and then release the hands. That's the thickness and the stiffness. I think you just walk left and right. Yeah. So it's kind of like a hands up sway but really really tight. Like you're nervous about

it. Yeah. It's like Mark Zuckerberg at a rave. So he's just like trying to get into it a little bit, but he's not fully there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there. All right, we're back in the Zoom room. That's right. We're back with some brand new segments that hopefully everybody can enjoy of all age ranges. We got four-year-olds listening. We got 96-year-olds listening.

That's awesome. I wonder our oldest and youngest fan. And I wonder everyone in between. Do you know what I mean? I think it's 38 to 41. That's our target age. I kind of missed the Insulting Theme song. Is that weird to say?

It's you and a lot of people in the commenters. So we might switch back soon. I think we should. Maybe we can have Ferris make yet another theme song that splits the difference. Maybe one that's even more mean to give the people what they want. So there's a variety. That's nice. I like that.

And variety actually is the spice of life is something i have always said and or as jeffrey james would say the spice of rice yes yes indeed he's he's poisoned our minds we've been talking about rice for five years is the spice of rice um so yeah we're we're gonna play a game for segment number one we're gonna see how smart you are at basketball nba style yeah questions this was a uh this was a segment submission on our youtube so if you're watching on youtube you can leave a comment j mayer vm says can we do a segment where jake asks random nba player facts and amir has to answer figure out who the player is somebody replies i love this idea. Amir can come up with some good trivia games, so it'd be great to see Jake reciprocate.

Well, I didn't come up with this one, but I can do it. But I actually came up with a different one. Yeah, you recommended, so we can go back and forth. It's not like NBA trivia back and forth. Who cares about that? You can say, and I can do it if a porn star does anal or not. That's right. Yes.

I believe I know every porn star that's performing today. Let's keep it relevant. You can't talk to me about a 70s star. And you mean literally today. Yes. April 29th. They're shooting a scene.

They have to be shooting a browsers or otherwise again if you're four if you're 96 please enjoy this total pg light rated humor this is it's not too blue it's too bluey that's how much it's catered towards little boys and girls all All right. So I'll go first with an NBA star. Okay? Okay. And then, so you gave me, I said, you gave me the height and the college, the way it helps to. The height and the college, and I'll try to guess who it is. And then I'll give you a porn star and you let me know if she's been fucked in the ass on camera. Yes, on camera.

That's all I can speak to. Yes. We don't know these people personally, and nor do we know the basketball players. Not personally. Oklahoma State University. Do you want to hazard a guess? Cade Cunningham.

No. Okay. But you got to give me the height now. Six foot three. Marcus Smart. Didn't even need to wait. I was trying to, did you catch my hint? See how smart you are?

That's really good. All right, let me see how Cummings you are. Katie Cummings? No, that was my suggestion yesterday. She's actually on Cameo, Courtney Cummings. Courtney Cummings. There's also a Katie Cummings? No, that was my suggestion yesterday. She's actually on Cameo, Courtney Cummings. Courtney Cummings. There's also a Katie Cummings. Yeah.

All right, good. I have some questions about how you know about this, but let's start with just one to get you started. And then we can get into how the fuck you can possibly keep track of this stuff. Yeah. So I searched porn stars who don't do anal and found a list of 50. And then I've searched porn stars that do do anal and found a list of 50. Do do anal. What do you think, what do you think the,

the breakdown is? Do most of them do or most of them don't? I think these days, most of them do. Most of them will dally. But I don't know. Maybe it's kind of always been like that. Lily Glee.

Lily Glee. Do you know that lady? Again, I don't know if these are obscure or famous so when i say lily glee yeah i know if you're like yeah i know who fucking lily glee is uh i don't know who lily glee is i need to see a picture of their face um okay so that's fair i'm gonna look up lily glee did not look up and i do their ass I daily their ass. I see her face. She looks new. Has to be new.

I'm going to say no anal. Lily Glee does anal. Does anal. Does anal. Shit. Yes. Lily Glee does anal. I tried to, again, err on the side of newer porn stars for you, which is what you told me.

I appreciate that. And you'll tell me if this basketball, this NBA star does anal. Okay? Okay. He's six foot nothing. Six foot oh. Six. If not an inch. If not an inch.

If not an inch. 5'11 soaking wet, which he will be after doing anal. Six feet in flats. Six one in a wedge. And he went to not my alma mater, but my alma's daughter, where Gemma will go to school, UConn. Oh, interesting. Are these all current NBA players? Yes. Or it could be like UConn 6-0.

184. Wow. So we're talking about a point guard, a light point guard. And does anal. And does anal. You might have stumped me here. My first thought was Kemba Walker, but I don't think he's in the NBA, and I think he's a little bit taller than 6'0".

So I won't say kemba walker give me point guard uconn you gotta be kidding me with this kemba walker i have to stop is it it is kemba walker i didn't realize he wasn't he's not in the nba he's not he he was recently so maybe he hasn't officially retired but i believe he's playing overseas okay that's good for kemba and it's good for me because i didn't know another yukon point guard yeah i thought he was a little bit taller than that but that's fine six foot nothing yeah no i mean you basically you basically got it and he is it looks like he is playing in a french league so um but he was on my espn fantasy page which is which is why um he came, which is why he came up. Which is why you lost at Fantasy. You started him.

He was racking up points in Monaco. That's right. Cassidy Banks. Cassidy Banks. I've heard of her. Yes. Yes. And when you picture her, you have to look her up.

This is who I thought it was i had to look it up to verify cassidy banks no anal no anal there that is correct cassidy banks has never done anal so how did you just to dig in a little bit because i watch porn honestly so casually when i'm watching porn i can't even tell if they're doing anal or not. I'm scrubbing through. Sometimes it looks like anal. Sometimes it's doggy style. Are you separating the anal from the doggy style and then remembering every porn? No, I don't even like, I don't, I don't like watching anal porn. I just, I see it.

I, I remember these things. I guess I have a fascination with pornography or something. But how can you remember that she's never done it? Like, what are the odds that you just haven't happened about it? I've seen everything there is to see. I know it all. So there's not like, oh, there's a clip I haven't seen. Yeah.

You have a library of Congress in your head of every porn this woman has done, and you're scrubbing through it in your mind's eye and being like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, no porn. I have a photographic memory for the least helpful thing in the world, I think. I really think. Yeah. But I did get Lily Glee wrong, but I've never seen, I'm not familiar with her work. She seems brand new. Brand spanking new at that.

Speaking of spanking. Yeah. Okay. So you're one for two. I'm two two okay yeah um all right this next gentleman went to kansas played for the jayhawks okay good on him yeah um he is 205. That's lean. 6'6 from Kansas. 205. Yeah. Tall and slender

man. Nothing is instantly coming to mind. Unless it's one of the Morris twins. But I believe they're taller than that. I think they're like 6'8, 240. We're looking for a're taller than that. I think they're like 6'8", 240. We're looking for a shooting guard from Kansas.

6'6". Who's an absolute bucket slash Jayhawk rock chalk Jayhawk. Not much of a unit. This guy was on your fantasy team? No, I'm just on the fantasy player page right now.

I did not make the playoffs, but I won the loser's bracket, which is kind of interesting. That's actually the least interesting thing you've ever said. Really? The polar opposite of interesting. I won the loser bracket 7th place yeah dead center of our league kind of interesting

I'm drawing a blank I'll guess Devante Graham I'll give you a hint I think his name is funny oh interesting how about current team this won't count but just give me the current team you got it I'll give you a hint. I think his name is Funny. Oh, interesting. How about current team?

This won't count, but just give me the current team. You got it. It looks like he plays. Oh, he plays in Taiwan. He's in Monaco as well. Sorry, this is Timothy Lualo Cabarro. He retired nine years ago. He plays for the Raptors, the Toronto Raptors. Oh, yeah.

I should have gotten this one. It's Grady Dick. That is right. It is Grady Dick. And he gives that great dick. Do you know what I'm saying? Grade A dick. Yes, that's good.

Now, speaking of grade A dick, why don't you give me another ass, and I'll tell you if it's smashed or passed. Charity Crawford. Charity Crawford. Charity Crawford. I think I'm not even going to see her face. Are you familiar with her game? Again, you need to see her face. I do.

I mean, I think I can't really remember. So the names don't mean anything to you. You're not reading the descriptions or the titles. The names are basically nothing. Like Charity Crawford and Cassidy that's they're the same name basically yes i know to me especially but yeah to you with a fucking rolodex of porn clips i'm better with faces i thought you'd be i'm better with faces asshole. I'm better with anals than names. I never forget an ass.

I don't, no, I think she has, I think she does do anal. Do do anal. According to this list of porn stars that have never done anal, Charity Crawford is on this list as a not anal participant. Really? Well. Yes. According to Hussie Pass,

it looks like, no, I don't know. I don't think she, yeah, you're right. I don't think she does do anal. So you just, you're sort of, you see the face and you're like, have I ever seen her do anal? And that's what you're going by. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I guess so. Really talked a big game for being one for three. One for three. Yeah. You've watched every part of every porn. Like you're not doing like the skip around situation. You're like, I remember this part of this film. I don't watch every single part of every porn, but I think I like read the, you know, the title of what it is. You don't even read the title.

I'm fascinated by how you watch porn. You will just... We're on polar opposite ends of the spectrum. You will just log on to a streaming... I watch not enough and you watch too much. A streaming porn site. Are you on your laptop or your phone? Phone.

On your phone, in your bedroom? Public. Library, usually. On a bus. I have the two dummy arms going reading a fake book. You'll go. And then, yeah. You just go to the PornTube site.

You click on the top video. You'll search. Threesome. You'll search. I'll search. Yeah. You search threesome. But pretty generic terms.

Yeah. And do you have a preference? And I'm never tracking anal V-naught. Yeah, I'll search. Yeah. You search threesome. But pretty generic terms. Yeah. And do you have a preference? And I'm never tracking anal V-naught. Yeah. Is it always threesome? Or when you log on, you're like, maybe I want to see a blonde today. Yeah, maybe I want to see a blonde today. Maybe I want to see this specific person V-naught.

Maybe I want to see a threesome versus like a duality of man. Maybe I want to see a visual poem, a dance representation. You'll jerk off to a haiku. A cheerleader sucking off a football player. Cheerleader. Very nice. But I'll never remember the faces, the names, or the buttholes. But, you know, one for three, maybe you don't either.

Yeah, I guess not. But tell me if you know this gentleman who went to college at the University of Georgia. And he is six foot five. And he weighs... Yeah, that's Anthony... Yeah. It's Anthony Edwards. It's not anthony edwards really so georgia 65 205 he weighs how much 205

are you sure you're not describing anthony edwards who might be this height weight and college let's let me say he has a he has a body doppelganger in the nba anthony edwards went to college uh at georgia yeah he's six foot four oh and how much does he weigh 225 wow so we're talking about a slightly taller slightly skin skinnier Anthony Edwards who went to Georgia. Yeah. Go Dawgs, of course. Right. Drawing a blank again.

That's okay. That's okay. Don't have it. Who is it? Contavious is the first name. Caldwell Pope. Oh, all right. You got it.

All you needed was the first name. Yeah, that's why I chose him. Yeah, that's why I chose him. All I needed was his the first name. Caldwell Pope. Oh, all right. You got it. All you needed was the first name. Yeah, that's why I chose him. Yeah, that's why I chose him. All I needed was his first unique name that doesn't exist anywhere else. His first name starts with a Contavious. I should have gotten that one. That one's on me.

Yeah. All right. Give me another porn star. All right. We're really bombing this. We have to do better. I know. We have to be better.

Let's end on a few high notes. I found two with the last name Jade. Like Ruby Jade. Do you want Harley or Amethyst? I guess Harley because I don't know if I know Amethyst Jade. Harley Jade. Okay. Ruby Jade. Okay. Ruby Jade's sister. Hmm.

Harley Jade. Looking, I don't think I know her, but, but. B-U-T-T. I think, I think but is on the table for Harley Jade. Because she looks like a more polished porn star. I'm going to need an answer. Oh. And it needs to be anal.

It is anal. Yes. I, I, I, that is correct. Anal is true. The butt has it.

That's right. Um, I'm going to give you one. That's really easy. I think. Okay. And on a high note, seven foot four.

Wow. It's really tall. That's it? Feels like you should. Yeah, there's not a lot of seven foot four guys. Historically, it's a Mark Eaton. Historically, it's a Chuck Nevitt. We're talking about modern players. I think it could only be Boban or Wemba Nyama.

But if you went easy, then I say victor wim banyama but he didn't go to college he played in france um do you want me to i can give you the weight they're all going to be very heavy okay what's the weight well it seems like one will be a lot wim bba Nyama is very skinny. Yeah, for a 7'4". He might even be 7'5", quite frankly. 291 pounds. Okay, so that's giving Boban. That's feeling Boban-ish to me. Yeah, Wemba Nyama is 209 pounds.

So like almost 90 pounds lighter. Boban is correct. Did you see what Boban did the other day? No. 209 pounds. So like almost 90 pounds lighter. Boban is correct. Did you see what Boban did the other day? No. Alright, we'll end with this. He's on the Houston Rockets, but he was on the Clippers at one point. So the

crowd loves him because they're playing their last game of the season. The Rockets are playing at the Clippers. The Clippers are not rooting for the Rockets, but they love Boban. They're cheering when he scores because it's the last game of the season, the Rockets are playing at the Clippers. The Clippers are not rooting for the Rockets, but they love Boban. They're cheering when he scores because it's the last game of the season. It's meaningless. Boban gets fouled with like a minute left.

The game's kind of decided. He misses the first free throw. The crowd goes crazy because if a player misses two free throws in a row, the entire audience gets free Chick-fil-A. Boban at the line realizes this and says, OK, you guys want free chicken? And they're like, yeah, we want chicken. He's like, OK, this is for you.

This is for you. This is during an NBA game at the free throw line. He throws the ball at the rim, misses on purpose, raises his hands up, and everyone just gives him a standing ovation because he basically gave through a free throw incorrectly, poorly missed it on purpose so that everyone got free chicken. And did he yell, do you want free chicken while he was on the court? He's like, all right, okay, this is for you. This is for you. You want it? Okay.

Like a wrestling match. Like a wrestling match. I wonder if there's coaches who are like, don't miss on purpose. Why are you being nice to these people? What was the score? It was game seven of the nba finals they lost by two amazing no i think they were up like the rockets were like up by like 15 or something so like the free throw really really didn't matter yeah and the season is pretty

decided like are they fighting for anything in in their season no okay so it really doesn't either team fighting for anything it's a fake. And he gave them the chicken that they wanted. That's so great. I told you my Beaubon story, right? No. I went to the Knicks game with Ben. And we're sitting like courtside, like in the announcer's booth, basically. And I guess he knows Beaubon somehow.

Yeah, Beaubon is like around knows Boban somehow. Yeah, Boban is like around actors and comedians. He's like a very nice, friendly guy. He's also 7'4". And crazy. He's in a bunch of commercials. Yeah, yeah. He's been at HeadGum. He did a Here to Help podcast. Oh, that's right. Right in this room. So, but Ben is like, I'm

gonna say hey to him. And he's about to check into the game. He just comes over. Oh, the Knicks were playing the Rockets? Yeah, yeah, the Knicks were playing the Rockets. He comes over. He's about to check in. We're right there.

And Ben is like, hey, Boban. And Boban just turned, recognized him. And Ben put out his hand. And his hands are like three human hands. They're so big. He looks like a CGI giant. He has giant ears. He's a giant person, and his hands are enormous.

So Ben raises up his right hand to, like, dap him up. Beaubon looked at Ben and, like, studied it for a second, and then with his giant left hand just went down and gripped just two of Ben's fingers, like the tiniest, most gentle finger hug. It was just... Pulled them clean off. Swallowed them whole.

It was so tender. It was beautiful. And then did you ever see or say hi to Boban after that? That was the only moment. No, that was the only moment. And he had like fallen down or something. It was like some kind of hard foul. And Ben was like, are you okay?

He was like, yeah, yeah, I'm fine. And that was kind of it. Boban doesn't feel much. It doesn't hurt Boban. That was great. All right. I think we were fine at that give me one more porn star okay good i was gonna say piper perry perry no

you'd got it you fucking knew it how did you know so fast i know piper perry why are you giggling oh i know no i don't i have no idea i just i just knew who that one was and then you knew that was how i imagined the whole segment it should have all been that easy it should have all been piper and it should have all been boban yeah thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology?

Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help.

It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah.

But how'd you like to own freaky tuesday interesting freaky tuesday so that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change but ultimately it's not a full body swap right mostly you're just concussed yeah which is new just kind of like having a new personality yeah it's funny i consider myself a vision lifter which is why i recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one,

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We got another great recommendation for a segment from AsCoolDanny on Instagram. Yes, that is correct. They recommended that we revamp, that we rewrite, that we punch up the national anthem. Yeah, it's sort of light work and easy for us. We're musicians, comedians, and patriots most of all. Yeah, and we have a Patreon. We're Patreon and Patrionic. Do you know what I mean?

We're Patrionic and Patrionic. And Patrionic. Do you think you know all the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner? I think so. How does it start, though? Can you just say it? It's Osei, Can You See? I'm just kidding. Osei, Can You See? I'm just kidding.

Osei, Can You See by the Star-Spangled Light? No. By the dawn's early light, what so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming, whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight and the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting. No, no, no. Really? Or the ramparts. Oh, or the through the night that the flag was still there.

Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave. Woo! We are the land of the bees and the home of the wave. Hang ten. Happy wave, everybody. I wonder if I would have been able to remember if I was singing it. It's harder to speak it. But Francis Scott Key couldn't have known the key.

There was no tune to it, and it was just a poem so and what was it but a love letter to to his country after a battle i was going to say how does this rank for you as a poem specifically um i don't usually go for poems that rhyme but i think i i don't think you can i don't think one could argue that it's not moving. It stirs something in you. It really conjures up the image. And it makes you feel patriotic, even if you don't give a fuck about America. Part of me thinks that if we do change the national anthem, it should just be another American song. Oh, you mean just like make it Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen or something?

Yeah, or This Land is Your Land. Yeah, This Land is Your Land is not bad. It's kind of interesting for an American national anthem because it is sort of what we did. This Land is Your Land. This land is my land. Standing on Texas. Like, oh, this land is your land? Bye now. This land is your land? This land is my land.

From California to here. Yeah. Okay. It's a weird time to write a new national anthem because half the country hates the other half. So how do we bring those two people? How do we get these two very diametrically opposed population segments to agree on anything, let alone a song? Yeah, that's interesting.

So we should kind of do something that bridges the gap what is like it should honestly sound like old town road because it's like that's a country song and also a rap song and also a pop song right that everyone seems to get along with yeah so like a horse um it's a horsey back it's a horsey back kind of day um that's when we uh that's when we all go along this oh it's a horsey back kind of day uh yeah it's okay to be straight it's okay to be gay so that's kind of something for you already lost the left and the right at least we're on the right side of history yeah yeah. Oh, interesting. I was trying to say something

that everybody could get behind or that it's someone from all the... You could also say, try to only make it things that they can't disagree with. Yeah, but a lot of people do disagree with that. It's okay to be gay. Right.

Obviously not us. Yeah. So let's do stuff that nobody can say anything about. The sky is blue. Yeah, it has to be do stuff that nobody can say anything about. The sky is blue. Yeah, it has to be so vanilla, so bland that people can all agree on. Yeah. So it's like. Mountains, roads.

And again, it is, it will be to the tune of Old Town Road. So it's like, I'm gonna take my. Why is it yours? Something, not a horse. You know, like you can't own an animal. Yeah, I'm gonna, okay, not even I. yours not a horse you know like you can't own an animal yeah like i'm i'm gonna uh okay not even i uh there's a horse we're gonna have there's a horse over here there's a horse over here there's a horse over here at the side of the road yeah yeah um the sky is blue or so i'm told that's kind of interesting there's a horse over here

at the side of the road the sky is blue or so i'm told so i'm told and uh and there's trees and i'm gonna eat this hot dog with a fork and a knife no no no because then the hot the there's there's beef eaters and there's vegetarians and vegans yeah well it could be like a vegan sausage right well i feel like it doesn't have to be a meat there's probably some you know people on on the right who like don't even like yeah impossible like the the sausage impossible yeah the fake and the impersonation they don't even want to know how the sausage is made actually exactly give me another porn star uh riley reed riley reed of course of course yeah yeah if we could insert her into this song okay so so far we have a horse. We have the sky being blue.

And we have the fact that there are, we can say like, there are beaches. There are deserts. Right. Like this land is your land style. You just say what there are. Yeah. Yes. People can't get mad at the fact.

There are beaches here. There are deserts around. There are cities as well. And trees abound. Deserts around. There are cities as well. And trees abound. Seattle is in Washington. Seattle to Miami. With Nebraska in between.

And then not God bless America. And it's like, that is America. Land that I've seen. So he's seen it. And it repeats. And you don't have to have an opinion. That is America. Land that I've seen.

And seen. So it's neither good nor bad. It's just saying that the sky is blue. There's Seattle and Miami. Two pretty vastly different cities. Yeah, and there are mountains and there are deserts. And you're just saying that's America. Not that it's good or bad, but it's land that I've seen.

Yeah, that's what it is. And yeah, is it better? Now that I'm saying land that I've seen, I feel like it should be to the tune of God Save the Queen. Isn't that like the British one? Yeah, yeah. What does that one sound like though? God Save the Queen.

I mean, this one is terrible. I'm sorry, United Kingdom, but this is one of the worst national anthems I've ever read. It starts, God save our gracious queen. Long live our noble queen. God save the queen. Send her victorious,

happy, and glorious. Long to reign over us. God save the queen. Like, that's giving her too much. Victorious and glorious is a pretty, that's a fun rhyme. And then rule over us, I see. I don't know. There's something there. But I don't think it beats our national anthem, Land That I've Seen. Yeah.

God save the queen. What about Land Where I've Been? Land Where I've Been? I've Been There. I've Been to this land. I've Been There. What are you playing? Can you hear this?

Can you hear this? Yeah. Okay, the music is pretty good. And it's to the tune of... I think we should steal the music. We have, haven't we? Isn't that the same of like land of liberty of the icing that's god save our queen of the icing is god save our queen we've stolen shit from them from the brits to Miami to the Nebraska in between

God save our America land that I've seen perfect we kind of nailed it it was a struggle at first but like it wasn't that hard when we spent

8 minutes on it we got there and we got there good not only did we get it we kind of improved on a timeless classic that probably took his ass years to figure out should there be a rap verse between any of this old town road like a little yeah like a like a bridge and nelly comes out or like ludicrous my outfit's ridiculous but it's like during the national anthem yeah yeah that's that's really good illinois is ridiculous and why indiana is on the left and Wisconsin's on the right. Yeah. All right. Yeah, that's perfect. And then you soldier boy.

Well, ludicrous. Well, this is pretty much he, when he comes into the lab or that's what I call the recording studio. Yeah. The studio lab. So like, yeah, he'll figure it out on the day basically. Right. But the, like the, the meat and bones is there the full english breakfast of it yeah god save our queen style in is there in pieces yeah it's called land

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Thanks, DraftKings. One last segment to rule them all. That's right. This one is one you came up with yeah we're gonna do everybody a favor and give you some opening dating app lines because i know it's a struggle out there um we we did we used to have a dating app it's it is now defunct but i do know i believe there are no less than three couples who are engaged because of Orion. So. Potentially married by this point. We did our work.

But, yeah, I feel like one of the tougher things to do is come up with that first line. Yeah, I think the newer dating apps makes it a little easier. You can, like, comment on individual photos or like questions and answers that the person put. But there are still ones that are just like, all right, throw it into a chat. Good luck. Yeah. So that's why my first pitch for an opening line on a dating app is you – Tell me a porn star and I can tell you if they've done

anal are you are you lindsey has blocked you really you look so familiar um okay uh how about we'll so you you message this dating app you say we'll see becky i'm a goddamn catch and there's so much better for me out there than you you fucking whore all caps three exclamation points and then you respond immediately to that you say uh sorry wrong text how's your thursday smiley face but just the emoticon smiley face so a colon a hyphen and a parenthetical yeah yeah thoughts and yeah well my first thought is that people will think it's real because most guys are kind of insane yeah if you've seen enough crazy people but for the the man or woman with a good sense of humor maybe they'll be like lol that was fucking nuts ha ha ha like it's like a good sense of humor, maybe they'll be like, LOL, that was fucking nuts. Ha ha ha.

It's like a good, it's a solid. So it's a good way to separate those with a sense of humor. I would be really afraid to send it. Yeah, I'd be afraid to send it, but I think it's funny. Yeah. Maybe don't use the word whore though. Yeah, yeah, for sure.

I felt weird even saying it now, but I think it really sold the unhinged aspect of it. Yeah. What if you follow it up with the classic, oh my God, I'm so sorry I was talking to my aunt. LOL. I copied and pasted. It was a copy pasta. And I'm an imposter. Here comes the hot step. Sorry, I'm still thinking about the national anthem. Voice note. What about this one? Sort of based on what we were joking about earlier. My first message to somebody else is, Amir has blocked you. What the hell?

Oh, that's good. Why? That's sort of playful. What did I do? It's like sort of a tech slash casual neg. Yeah, yeah. Or it's like, why did you block me? Or it's like, oh, I actually thought you block me or it's like oh i actually thought you

blocked me or go fuck yourself i don't want to talk to somebody that blocks me but at least you guys are talking right what if you just text block and then you'd say they say oh sorry i didn't know i don't know how these dating apps work how's it going hashtag unswiped hashtag i meant to go left hashtag that one's pure with nothing with like yeah no positive angle to it at all how about this one you okay you write and you say hey this is jake's mom he told me that he didn't want to try dating apps, but you seem like a nice girl. And then you respond. That's nice.

You say, my God, so embarrassing. But my mom is right. That was actually my dad. Yeah. LOL, just kidding. That was actually my dad slash on. That was actually my dad. He's a pervert. That's good. Okay. Or, okay, here's another one,

just right off the blue. I'm just blue skying here. You can take it or leave it, whatever. If you want it, have it. If not, no skin off my back. I'm out of the game anyway. You can use it or you cannot. That's right. Yeah. What do you think about that? Oh, I see. That's perfect. No, no, that wasn't it. That wasn't it. You start with, instead of negging, you go full self-deprecating. LOL, let me guess. You meant to swipe left, didn't you? Jesus, no. Don't worry.

This happens all the time. You're a good-looking guy. Go ahead and unmatch me now. I don't think I can handle the rejection in a week or two. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Okay. That's good.

How about... What do you do? Isn't there a saying that's like my yellow flag or my red flag? Oh, yeah. My beige flag is making up too many flag colors. Perfect. What's your teal flag? How about just what's your teal flag?

Because it's kind of confusing. It makes me be like, what are you talking about? What is that? What's a teal flag? Oh, it's like sort of like something about you that's neither red nor green so like it could be that you like carrot ginger soup mine is that i love carrot ginger soup actually mine is that i own a vest what if what if you just send them an uber gift card it's a really expensive opening message but if you love it yeah you if you love it, yeah, you can do it.

I've done it a couple times now. You just go to like Uber Eats. You can pay for a gift card. And then it's just a link. And you can send it via message. Wow. So you say. Okay, let me spice that up.

You say, opening line. You two have only matched, not talked. Hey, sorry, I don't think this is working out, but let me at least get you a $50 Uber Eats gift certificate. Excuse me? Yeah, I mean, like, why do we even go through with the dog and pony show for a second and third date?

We all know where this is headed. It's not a great, great fit. So the least I could do is get you Patsy and a mango lassie. Yeah, you can bundle stuff. They can pick up things from two restaurants. It's the least I can

do. Throw in an $11 pint of Brambleberry from Van Leeuwen. It's literally the least I can do. So you're breaking up with Uber gift card. That's a good way to break up too. Yeah. Yeah.

At least you can have some free food. All right. What's your teal flag? We're breaking up. Here's an Uber Eats gift card. You had the Jake's. Oh, this is Jake's mom swiping. Yeah. Is there something, what about, like,

is there a way to send a picture as an opening message that's not insanely creepy? Maybe you're not even allowed to do that. That would make sense. You're probably not even allowed to do that. I've seen pictures. I mean, it might be, like, blurred, and it's, like, click here to view, but I think you can send.

Oh, interesting. Because, like, I want to, if there's, like, an innocuous one, it's, like, imagine just being, like, oh, like, here's a quarter from your birth year. Terrible example. But you hold up something and then the background is, like, either something really impressive or insanely scary. Like, your house is on fire in the background or there's an infinity pool so an opening message that's not about yeah you you send a photo but it's more about the background it's it's because you know all right summer's almost here it's you with the thumbs up but in the background your house is on fire.

A conversation starter, to be sure. Okay, how about this one? Your first line is something that says, quote, I think I can help you there. There's many options for opening dialogue lines. Here's a few that you can use. Hey, how's it going? And then whatever. And then you say, oh, shit, shit, shit.

I think I copied and pasted too much. I saw that. Hey. I saw that something similar on Zillow the other day, looking at a house. The description was, here it is. Parentheses are for suggested edits. And bold is for suggested cuts.

And then it was just the rest of the script. Yeah, just clearly ripped exactly from an email. So that version of that. Yeah, either like so it says like you're my first message to somebody named Lindsay would be like, hey, I'm here. Thanks so much for the check. I got it. For the $5,000, here's three opening lines. Hey, Lindsay, how it's going?

Hey, how's it going? Hey, we should date sometimes. And what's your teal flag? For three more, please Venmo me another $180,000. And then you write unsend, unsend. Oh, unsend is also a pretty solid first message because they would only see unsent. And it's like. Oh, so you sent it and it just in parentheses says unsent message.

Yeah, yeah. That's good. It's like, what did it say? This is, do you remember? I think I talked about this on the podcast before, but when I was single, I would sometimes just open up like random messages and start typing and then stop in hopes that somebody was like looking at my message and they'd see the three dots. Yeah, I'm sure that always worked. Yeah, definitely. I was staring at our conversation and the three dots popped up and went away.

Wondering if I should text you. I was looking at our text thread, wondering if I should text you. When I saw three dots, then they stopped and I had to reach out. Just warning you, I am a bot and i'm using this account to grow my instagram followers i'm at 12 so far but it's going pretty well for me something like that yeah the self-deprecating route one that i did often use was if somebody's name was spelled two different ways being like hey sarah don't you hate sarah's like one with an h one without an h yeah usually have some sort of built-in resentment for people who have their names spelled in a different way i do i remember that one actually that did it usually work no never worked um what

else else parentheses unsend dick pic parentheses shit that was my dad parentheses what's your teal flag parentheses what's your teal flag is perfect i think we ultimately landed on and i think we were inspired by my shirt which i don't know if you're watching on YouTube, but kind of looks like a teal flag. Right. I have my own teal flag. What is your teal flag? Yeah. Because that just instantly is a playful message. My teal flag is that I didn't win my fantasy team, but I won the loser's bracket.

There doesn't get a flag tealer than that. A flag so teal. A flag so genteel it means nothing. Yeah. Your teal flag is nothing. What's the most nothing? What's the most innocuous thing about you? The most neither good nor bad fact about me.

I had clear braces. Yeah, that's perfect. But even that like indicates some level of upper middle class that I can have teal braces or clear braces. What do you mean? Like you had clear brackets? Instead of metal, like, yeah, we like upgraded to the clear brackets. Oh, there's no metal. No metal.

That's cool. That's very cool. It didn't help that much because it was still, you know, chunky's no metal. No metal. That's cool. That's very cool. Didn't help that much because it was still, you know, chunky white metal instead of steel. Uh-huh. Yeah, not perfect. What's my teal flag? What if the opening message is just, can I buy you a new pair of headphones? Or do you need a new pair of headphones?

Instantly enter into a sugar father relationship. I'm looking to be Finn dominated. Can I send you a $300 Bose gift card? What if you... What's your address? Okay, so you just, you write accounting number and then eight numbers and routing and then you write nine numbers or whatever. You send that and you say, shit, that was a copy and paste thing.

But relationships are built on trust. So how's it going with the little sweaty emoji. You can even lean into it. Be like, here's my account number. Here's my routing number. Here's my social security number. My life is an open book. I need to trust you implicitly if this is going to work out at all. So go ahead and either steal my identity

or go out with me. Either way, you have all the information. By the way, good luck getting anything because I've messaged this to several other women and I am bone. I've been bled dry. I'm liquidated. Oh, and my teal flag is that I didn't eat sushi until I was 25. All right.

A lot of options there. Yeah, some really really good options if you use any of them and they either worked really well or poorly yeah please let us know tweet at us dm us put it on instagram put it on our subreddit we need to see how we did yeah uh and for more of us you can watch our patreon patreon.com slash ja we're watching uh jake and amir episodes live commentary on nearly every single one at this point yeah last week we watched one that i loved i forget what it was already do you remember which one we watched last week no i remember there was one episode where we were crying laughing you liked it so much and then the next episode we had our head in our hands because we were so ashamed to share it.

I think that was the Guitar Hero video. I remember those ones more than the Good Ones. Yeah, the Guitar Hero video is so – oh, God, it was awful. Yeah, there's some high-quality episodes coming out right now. Some hangers and bangers. Yeah. So check that out at patreon.com.ja. Thank you for listening listening thank you for watching

hit us with your segment ideas obviously we like using them if you if you're watching on YouTube you can leave it as a comment below and hopefully if it inspires us to either use it or maybe do some sort of version of it I would say we should go out with the national anthem that we

wrote and recorded but we don't have a high-res version of it. Maybe we can record it this week and then we can play it the following – Yeah, at the top of next episode. I've seen this land. Perfect. Bye, everybody. That was a Hiddem Original.