Segments - 28: The Easter Bunny

Episode Date: October 14, 2013

In this episode we discuss MILFs, ugly ducklings, and Amir's grammar. This BONUS Thursday episode is made possible thanks to LegalZoom: Online legal services, made easy! Check out LegalZoom.com and use either coupon code "Jake" or "Amir" for a discount. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Bonus Thursday episode, doodah, doodah. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts,

including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money.

Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Hi, I'm James. I play Amir on the podcast. And I'm Robert. I play Amir on the podcast. And I'm Robert. I play Jake. And this Bonus Thursday episode is brought to you by LegalZoom. Wait, let me say it. LegalZoom. LegalZoom. LegalZoom.com. What do they do? They help you start your own business.

They sure do. You know, we recently started an LLC. We formed a limited liability corporation, and it's hard. It is really hard. Legalzoom.com makes it easy. And they're not a law firm, but they at least help you steer you in the right direction. That's right. So it's affordable and it's simple. It simplifies doing the difficult things like forming an LLC, trademark stuff, wills, even if you want. Patents. Yeah. Basically anything that's difficult to do, LegalZoom.com helps you out. Yeah, and it's the best time ever to start your business right now. Why? Because the economy's picking back up.

What, on Thursday it's the best time? Yeah. No, you silly. Now is always the best time. There's always no better time than now. You're squeezing my thigh really hard. Well, not now, now, after you're done listening to the podcast.

Yeah, but then go straight to LegalZoom.com. And if you want an extra discount, you can use coupon code Amir. Or Jake. Are you happy with that one? I really am. You really went back and forth with them. I really appreciate it.

They were able to get your little coupon code too. I got my lawyer on the horn. So if you're thinking about starting a business or doing anything business related, check out LegalZoom.com and use coupon code. I got my lawyer on the horn. So if you're thinking about starting a business or doing anything business related, check out LegalZoom.com and use coupon code Amir. Or Jake. And thanks so much for listening, everyone. Enjoy the episode. Dump the D or vax your V But never mind the blood flow when you pee Seize the cheese, dead dogs covered in fleas There's nothing that I wouldn't do if they said that they'd do If I were you

If I were you show at gmail.com Whoa, that was... It was like a nice kid song that turned into a real weird creepy kid song at the end. Is it weird that I want that to be my wedding song? Yeah. Okay. Doesn't it sound like a Rafi song? No, it sounds like a lovely bright-eyed song or something. To me it was like Rafi, and then at the end he whispers,

Kill your parents. Isn't it Rafi? Rafi? Rafi? Iispers kill your parents isn't it raffi raffi raffi i don't know i i think it's like the difference of saying well i guess it's a name so no however he said it but i thought it was like aunt and aunt there's two there's no real right way yeah come on raffi there's raffi and a raffi version of your name raffi raffi would never ever correct a little child. Right after he told him to kill his or her parents. Well, no, Rafi wouldn't do that.

That's this guy. Oh, I see. You're a wedding singer. That is our time. Thank you so much for checking in. This is a super secret short episode. Thank you, Hulu Plus. No, this one's by LegalZoom.

Oh, thank you, LegalZoom. Yeah. Anyway, this is If I Were You. Oh, thank you, legal Zoom. Yeah. Anyway, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Josh. No, you want to use your stage name. Trying it on for size there. You can be a Josh.

Right? Yeah. Jake. I'm Jake. Or Josh, whatever. You know, whatever's actually cooler, now that I think about it. It might be Josh. I'm down for whatever's the cool one. It's definitely not Josh. Especially the way I'm using it.

Hey, Josh. Nice to meet you. Hey, I'm, uh, I'm Josh. We've upgraded my towel fort. It's now a, uh, sound padding fort. We got, uh, Falcon, or Chris Hahn from our office gave a uh sound padding fort we got a falcon or chris han from our office gave us this sound padding thing and we've uh fashioned it around my table uh in a semi-circle and hopefully it sounds better than the towels when you say fashioned it sounds like we actually built something we just put it down on the table we didn't even tape it you you put up a vhs tape to sort of stabilize it, but then we realized

we didn't need it, so the VHS tape is just sitting here. I draped another piece over the TV. I'll take a picture and put it on my Instagram. Actually, you should follow me on Instagram. This is the saddest display I've ever owned. I think it'd be cool to follow Amir

Blumenfeld on Instagram. Alright, that's our time. We don't need to talk. Follow me on Instagram. Yo, my name is Josh Hurwitz. I got at Josh. Can you believe it? Oh, my God. I love it.

I'm that early of an adopter. So how does this work? People email us in if they find themselves in difficult places, and we do our to offer our sometimes terrible, but sometimes not bad advice. Yeah. Sometimes, sometimes. You know, it's a weird thing that you said, email us in. And I think we say it every single time. And I don't think that's a real thing.

Email. Everybody emails us in. What? Isn't it? Emails us, email us in. Yeah, I think so. Like email. Now that you say it it sounds it sounds so weird email email in email into us email us email us in email in us email us in don't email in us

we're we're not on the pill we're not in us in uh so talk in us to in us, us in. Email in. I don't know. We've really gone off the deep end already. Well, you can email us in or out to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. We read every single email and we go through the ones that we think will be the most entertaining for the show. I'm not even going to sugarcoat it. A lot of them are just boring, normal questions.

I'm tired of placating to you, you listeners. You don't deserve it. You don't deserve anything, except for one and occasionally two episodes a week, thanks to LegalZoom. All right, ready? Yeah. Let's dive right in.

We're going to read these real emails, but give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. And we'll say this one comes from someone I'll name, Peyton Manning. Peyton Manning. Peyton Manning himself writes, hey guys, I've got a conundrum for you two. I've been with my girlfriend now for two years and everything is going great and there are no problems between the two of us and I want to stay with her but she has a really hot mom. She doesn't live at home anymore so I don't see her mom a whole lot but when I do I really just want to bang her. I don't want to break up with my girlfriend but I also want to have sex with her mom. I can't help the

feelings I'm getting for her but who's to say she would even want to have sex with me. Should I talk to my girlfriend's mom about this? Or should I just try to forget the whole thing? Don't limit your advice to those two choices Any advice about this situation would be a big help Oh mercy, what a problem Thanks, Peyton Manning Wow

I like that he's afraid to give us a multiple choice question Because I berated the other person Yeah, you scared our audience into the right way. Don't talk to her. That's a bad idea. Don't talk to her about that. Do you think that there's like, I mean, there's no chance

that you're going to sleep with your girlfriend's mom. That's just a porn site. It's called mygirlfriendsmom.com. Really? I really think that that's a porn site. So it's like a specific type of MILF porn. Yeah, well, it's where, I mean, I've never seen it. Wait, you want to tell your mom to turn it down?

Mom, mommy, turn down the podcast, mama. This is Joshy reporting live. This is baby Joshy telling you to turn down the podcast, mama. I'm going to talk about fucking other moms. It's like a boyfriend and girlfriend are like having sex and then a mom comes in and she's like horrified but she's like oh you're doing it wrong and then it always turns into a threesome a threesome with a daughter yeah yeah it's pretty depraved it's not well it's not really their daughter no it is

no i think so yeah at least the one I saw was real. Wrestling's real, too. It's real to me, damn it. And hey, we're all going to go to heaven when we die, right? There's things that we lie to people about, okay, to make the world seem a little bit more tolerable. The world seems more tolerable if a mom can fuck her daughter. Tell you what, man, the Bang Bus, they're not picking up strangers. Wrestling, yeah, it's all pre they're not picking up strangers wrestling. Yeah. It's all preplanned out.

It's fake. And, uh, I know it's fake, but like triple H is real. Oh, like his storyline is when I found out, when I found out the,

uh, tooth fairy, or when I found out the Easter bunny wasn't real, which was, um, two and a half weeks ago. Uh, I was like,

I don't know how old I was, but my mom was yelling at my sister. She was like, I have to take you to school. I have to take Jake to soccer. I still haven't gone to the store to get Easter eggs for tomorrow. She just realized I was in the back of the car. She turned around and she's like,

you know the Easter bunny isn't real, right? I was like, yeah, yeah, I know. But I was shaking to the core. Then later on, I was talking to my mom or talking to my sister. I was like, yeah, I know. I was like, but I was shaking to the core. And then later on, I was like talking to my mom or talking to my sister. I was like, yeah, I know the Easter Bunny is real, but Santa's real. I get it. Easter Bunny, tooth fairy bullshit. Santa's legit.

Like, no bunny's going to walk around with eggs or whatever. Like, hippity hoppity. That doesn't happen. Har, har, har. Y'all got me. The dude with the flying reindeer. Where do we land on that? Was a story there.

Because I still very much believe in him. And furthermore, I very much so want to believe, if that makes sense. Earlier today in the car, when the Easter Bunny bomb was dropped. That was not okay, I think. I think I went into shock and I played it cool. But you gotta understand I'm having a goddamn panic attack.

Like, what else are you lying to me about? Is school, like, legit? Do I still have to do that? Or is that just like a shit you do to a six-year-old? And dad's definitely my bud. He's my best bud. Is dad real? He's not faking it, right?

He's not faking it to be like a... I don't trust you! What don't you get, mom? Everything is changed. So you told me there's a fairy that likes my teeth, a bunny that breaks into the house and puts eggs around. Bunnies don't lay eggs, right? Why does the bunny have eggs

and why does the lady want my teeth? What is she doing with my teeth? Where the fuck did that come from? What were we talking about? This guy's mom? This guy's mother-in-law that he wants to bone? Oh, yeah. You should feel happy knowing that your girlfriend is going to grow up to probably look a little bit like her mom, you know?

She's going to be hot when she grows up. So maybe you just wait it out. You'll be fucking that mom when she's your mother's or your children's mother. Yeah, you'll be fucking that mom when she's your wife. Yeah, and then you can say... And has a kid. Yeah, and then you'll be a motherfucker. Then she's a milf.

Yeah, and then you can... Uh-oh,'ll be a motherfucker yeah and then you can oh oh suddenly you have the hots for a grandma oh it's getting hot whoa you kinky little piece of shit oh my god are you into gilf porn is that what is it would you what was the porn site with my mom my girlfriend's my girlfriend's mom yeah check out my girlfriend's grandmom.com it's when the mom and the girl are fucking you, and then the grandma walks in, and she's mortified, but kind of a little bit curious. A little curious. A little bi-curious. Is there gilf porn?

Oh, no, I'm not saying probably. I'm just distracted a little bit because I'm trying to go to my girlfriend's mom on my phone right now. But there's definitely gilf porn, for sure. You've seen porn of 60,, 70, 80 year olds? I haven't clicked on it, but I know that it exists because I see the thumbnails and I scrub. I look through a little bit just to see what's up.

I wonder how that works. Like, are there 60 year olds who are getting into porn for the first time or are they just porn stars that grew up? I don't think any of these 60 year olds are wherever stars of the industry but i think there's just like these people need money they look there's like ads that are like we need 60 year olds to bone yeah yeah we we want to fuck us we want to fuck a grandma i guess if there was

like a 35 year old porn star in the 70s she would now be 60 to 70 years old yeah but i think you i mean i just imagine like 30 years in that industry, you probably get a little worn out. Well, I'm not saying she's in the industry the whole time. She can hop in and out, you know, become like

something else for a little while and dip her toes back in the porn pool. Yeah, I guess you're right. Either way, fuck your grandmother. Wait, how did that advice start? What are we telling him to do? We're telling him

not to talk to his mom or his girlfriend's mom about this. You shouldn't even talk to you. Don't talk to anyone about this. Yeah, I can't believe he even emailed us. He said anything. You emailed us in. Yeah, no, don't do anything about this. Your girlfriend's going to turn into a milf.

It's going to be beautiful. You won the lottery. They say when you have a girl you're serious about, you meet her mom. You just got to check out the mom. Just be like, okay, that's what she's going to look like-ish. Check out the mom and the dad. She's got those good genes. She's going to turn out to be a pretty cool stone fox when she grows up.

I know. I want to look like my mom when I grow up. I want to be a mom when I grow up. Or I would be a dad, right? What do you mean right? Say what you think is going to happen. I get to choose at a certain age. I used to think that too.

What? I would tell stories like a long time ago when I was a girl. What? I thought that I was a girl when I was little. This is when I was like four years old. I was like, I was a girl once and now I'm a boy because I chose to be a boy, right? I was a weird kid. That's not weird.

That's just dumb. Yeah, you weren't a weird kid. You were a dumb kid. Sure. Jakey's weird. Yeah. He doesn't know math or reading. He's kind of a weird kid.

He's a quirky little boy. Yeah. He doesn't know math or reading. He's kind of a weird kid in that way. He's a quirky little boy. Yeah. He doesn't get anything. And Easter Bunny, kid. Easter Bunny, two fairies, Santa Claus. What are the other ones? Any other things that I get presents for or money or candy? Because I'm kind of a weird kid and I want to know everything now right away.

All right. Good advice. Don't fuck your girlfriend's mom. Like you could anyway. Oh, come on. I'm serious. I challenge you. You know what?

Fuck it. Go for it. Please. Please. That's insane. You'll never be able to do that. Have that talk with her. See what happens.

Oh, my God. He did it. Oh, no. Holy shit. All no. Holy shit. All right. Next question. Yeah. This one comes from, we'll call her Wes Welker.

Wessie. Wes. Yeah. Wes. Wes. Yeah. Like Jess Welker. Yeah.

All right. A few months ago, I started banging the brother of one of my best friends. Interestingly enough, he happens to also have a brain tumor and some fairly serious medical health problems on top of being a giant, unrelenting prick. The thing is, he's amazing in bed. He is into some awesome kinky shit that I probably will never experience again. We have kind of an acquaintances with benefits set up right now, but I'm starting to wonder if all the complications are worth it i feel like i have to check in i have to check on him all the time just to make sure he's okay and i can barely stand having a conversation with him because he's so rude and obnoxious i'm also concerned with my friend i'm sorry i'm also concerned my friend

will find out somehow and murder me i know guys date crazy girls all the time if they've got enough going on for them in the bedroom department but where exactly is the line thanks the lines at brain tumor medical health issues and uh giant unrelenting prick i think i can't believe she's able to distance those two things from the sex so easily yeah i mean i don't think i've ever had sex so good that i would like hang out with an awful person but it's Yeah, usually those two things are somewhat related. If you hate someone, you can't get turned on by them. Well, I can get turned on by people I hate. I understand that.

Have you ever slept with someone that was so fucking annoying that you really hated them? Yeah. Imagine the most annoying girl, and she's just awful and rude and mean. If she was hot enough, you would still sleep with her? Yeah. I wouldn't continue sleeping with her.

But you'd sleep with her once. Yeah. To sort of like... Yeah, you'd treat it as like, this is my way of getting back at her. Right, like I deal with you all the time, and guess what? Now I'm gonna stab you with my penis.

Now you're gonna deal with me. You're dealing with me. Me. Me. Oh with me. You're dealing with me. Me. Me. Oh, me. Turn it back up now, Mom. How is she able to hear that? Mama, the dish is clean.

I touch the net. I think that you can't. What a sad thing to grunt during sex. Me. This is about me. Me. All night was about you, and now it's about me. Me.

Me. I think someone would tell you to stop. I went on a date with you. I took you out. That was for you. And this is for me. Yeah, a lot of the time, just like quietly stewing. Like when somebody really makes me mad,

it's like just being annoying or mean to me. I'm just like, all right, yeah, you're winning now. But this is the battle. And I will fuck you now. And that will be for me. I will have the ultimate win here. The ultimate W I will conquer this

That's a terrible way to think about it I'm unhealthy Newsflash, asshole Jesus Christ I got a bad value system No respect for anyone Sure, including yourself Least of all myself

But uh oh,'ve just put myself in front of other people yet again. I feel sorriest for myself, yet I hurt other people and destroy their lives. How is that fair? I'll tell you how it's fair, because I don't give a fuck whether it's fair or not. I lie to myself so

often I don't even know the truth. I've got a snake tongue. I really do. I think I have a slithering snake tongue. I think I'm a serpent with a bad attitude. With a goddamn forked tongue. Yeah, it is. Yeah.

Jesus, did you do that to yourself? No. Oh, my God. It happened. I looked in the mirror one day, and I blinked sideways, and I was like, am I turning into the fucking snake that I am? And I took out my tongue and I was like, I swear to God, I think I nut venom. I really do.

I think I nut poisonous venom. This is like some sort of modern adaptation of the metamorphosis where an asshole becomes an actual snake. Yep, that's me. Actually, that would be a really nice short film. I would love that. I'd love to write it with you. Yeah. And co-produce, or co-EP.

And I'd love to fuck the AD on set. Well, we don't even know who the AD is. I'll cast her. You'll cast an assistant director? Well, I fuck her in the movie. So the movie is about you as an actor. The movie is a documentary about us making the short film but i'm fucking the ad jesus non-simulated brown bunny blowjob style i do want to cast chloe savigny chloe

savigny um once again i've forgotten the question uh should this girl keep on fucking the guy with the brain tumor and how do you like have a? How do you have such a serious medical condition like that? That usually makes people more down to earth or appreciate life or something. No, no, no. He's down to do some kinky-ass weird shit in bed. It's so strange to have that kind of issue and then also be sort of unsympathetic to be such a dick. What do you think this thing is that this brain tumor guy is willing to do that nobody else is willing to do?

The kinky shit. I don't know. Probably doo-doo, pee-pee, poo-poo? What do you think? Unless he's shitting on you or something, you can probably find anybody that's into some kinky shit that you're into. Don't feel like this guy is the only guy in the world into kinky shit. Or the only guy with a tumor.

Maybe there's another guy with a tumor that doesn't have such a bad attitude. Maybe, yeah, maybe it is the tumor. Maybe she's just like, oh, Jesus Christ, I want to talk about tumors. If it's butt play, rough sex, choking, I don't know. That sounds like some pretty standard kink stuff. Maybe it's feet. Does she like feet? Yeah, but if it's like crazy shit, maybe she should stick with them because odds are she's not going to find another guy asshole or otherwise.

No, that's not true. I think if it's really crazy, go online and find some kind of weird— Not weird. Hey, you're not weird. You're truthful. Yeah, everyone's normal. She's just a strange motherfucker. She's a weirdo, I think.

You like to be punched in the eyes during sex the left eye specifically not and not like punched near the eye i need like a girl with the smallest fist and then when i open my eye really really wide to be able to punch my eye like a kid hitting a beach ball i really do think it's one thing to like fuck someone you're not crazy about, but it's another to continue a relationship with him if you really can't stand him. And also if it's going to ruin a friendship, because your friend is definitely 100% going to find out if you keep doing it. She's probably going to find out now anyway.

Yeah. But at the very least, if you don't want her to find out, I would stop. Although if this brain tumor thing Is like for serious Maybe he's like Doesn't have a lot of time on earth You might as well Bang the shit out of him

While you still can And then when he goes away It could be a little secret Between you two When he goes away Yeah Why don't you say what's gonna happen He's gonna die of brain cancer

Alright How's that Is that real enough for you It hurts I wish you didn't say that But at least It's the goddamn truth. And then at the funeral, you can have your own little special moment to yourself

between you and the spirit of this crazy person who really, I assume, shit on your face. Here's what you do. You make a clay mold of his penis, all right? I'm serious. You like that, D? If you like that, D, you can get a wax cast of that peen. I really think you can. And turn it into what? A dildo?

Yeah. You want her to do that? I don't really do. That's your advice. My advice is to turn his penis into a dildo. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

Okay. So let it be known, Jake's advice is to turn his dick into a dildo. That's what's up. Which is your advice to literally every other question on this podcast. Yeah, I'm just saying, you do you, make his P in a dild. Turn his P into a D. Yo do you. Yo do you.

Should we take a break now or do one more question? Let's take that break. I really need it. Really? No, let's do one more question. Well, this would be sort of the halfway point. We're like at the 23-minute mark. Or do you want to...

We usually take the break like towards the three-quarter mark. Yeah, let's take the break after this. All right. So this is kind of fun. We got an audio question. Ho! We like when you guys submit recordings of yourselves so we can hear your sweet, sweet voices

instead of me struggling to read your email. Yeah. And we'll call this one... hear your sweet, sweet voices instead of me struggling to read your email. And we'll call this one, this one was from a lady, a lady actually named Julius Thomas. Julia Thomas. Yeah, Julia Thomas. All right, Julia Thomas says, Hey, Jake and Amir, I really love the show. It's so, so, so good, and it makes me laugh all the time.

My question is, how do I get the right kind of guys to like me? Because I'm a sophomore in high school, and I haven't had a real relationship, and I'm really, really lonely, and I just want someone to tell me that I'm pretty, or just to be there for me and hold those normal chicky girl emotions that I despise. But I still feel. So, yeah, that's my question. You loser! What? I'm lonely!

Barf! If you haven't met anybody now, then you're lonely. Barf. If you haven't met anybody now, then you're done. Check out. Buy a cat, yo. You're an old maid. It's not going to happen, all right? You're 15. You've never been in love.

Ugly ducklings don't become beautiful swans. That's a fairy tale, sweetheart. They become ugly swans. Yeah. Ugly swans who are going to die alone. Understand that? Oh, I want someone to hold me and tell me I'm pretty. How about this?

Someone's never going to hold you, and you're ugly. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You went off into a weird place when you said that. Yeah. You were reciting someone else screaming that at you. My parents. Oh, come on. You're beautiful. You're a sweetheart. You're pretty.

She did have a pretty voice. Yeah. She was a sophomore. Never mind. She sounded nice. She sounded cool. Holy shit. I think the thing we were trying to get at is by age 15, no one's had an amazing relationship yet.

Yeah, I'm a sophomore in high school and I haven't had a real relationship. Yeah. Yes, enjoy the next 10 years of not having a real relationship. You know what? I'm 30 and no one's ever held me or told me that I was pretty. So, yeah, it takes a little while, sweetheart. You've got to find a guy with a brain tumor. I'm serious.

That guy will fucking change your world. You know, you... Oh, jeez. First of all, you are beautiful. You're great. You're the best. And just because nobody is in a relationship with you right now doesn't mean that you're not awesome.

Yeah, the problem is you're hanging out with 15-year-old boys who are, I think, at age 15, the worst people ever. Right. Oh, I mean, I never got better, but yeah, that's, that's when the peak of awfulness. 15 year olds are like half, half adult, half children, greasy zombie men. So I think the trick is to just like yourself without needing anybody else for validation. And then people are going to like you because you're a cool, confident person yeah you can also get validation from non-dudes like uh your friends or your family yeah or two nerdy jew guys on a podcast not necessarily us because we don't like you but i'm sure uh you can find

another podcast you know the saddest thing in the world is if she just started crying and turned the podcast off before we got it we stopped doing the bit. They're right. No one's ever going to hold you. Unplug. Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. A guy asked her out, but her self-esteem is too low to say yes. Yeah, you have a long life ahead of you. People are going to ask you out.

It's going to be great. Yeah, 15-year-olds don't ask people out. That's not how it works. No. I mean, I wasn't in a real relationship until I was 20. How old am I now? 30? 30.

So it's going to be like in two years. Hopefully. Yeah, I can't wait. Someone's going to hold me and shit. Yeah. You're beautiful. At night, I squeeze myself and I tell myself that I'm pretty. And I'm starting to not be able to believe myself anymore.

Right, I wouldn't. Because I can't. What? When I came in today, actually, you were wringing out your pillowcase and I'm starting to not be able to believe myself anymore. Right, I wouldn't. Because I can't, what? When I came in today, actually, you were wringing out your pillowcase because it was soaked with tears. It filled up a glass. It filled up a pint glass to the middle.

And you chugged it. You said, these are my tears. I want them in me. I was so appalled. They go back from whence they came. I never cried See See all the salt water is still back in my blood

That means I was never sad Oh my god You're still crying as you're doing it though Alright Now it's definitely break time Break You know what I wanted to do was start thanking people that leave iTunes reviews Because

You know what I wanted to do was take a nice that leave iTunes reviews. Because you know what I wanted to do was take a nice little breather, and I'd understand that this is a break. Holy shit. Because you're about to make it about some fucking podcast shit. So what? The break can't involve me thanking people? Okay. You're mad at me.

I'm pissed. You're mad at me. Not at you, at the world. Because of what? I hate pissed, yeah. You're mad at me. Not at you, at the world. Because of what? I hate myself. Sure. All right? I would hate you, too, if I were you.

I woke up being trapped in my own body, and I'm going to go to bed a prisoner to myself again. So I can't thank these people? You can. I'm just going to be pissed. But just know I would have been pissed. Even if we stopped, you made me a smoothie and gave me a back rub I think I would be angry I'm not going to do that

Okay So the last I feel like we should start thanking people That leave iTunes reviews because it helps out the podcast So you know Help us help you So thank you Ray Barton Lagamman290

TZ Kingsley and and Sophia Pandy. And if you want to leave a review, we'll try to thank you in the next episode too. Y'all are the best. It helps. I don't know why, but iTunes aggregates their ranks, podcasts, and one of the factors is reviews. Yeah, and we really, really, really, really,

really want to be Adam Carolla. What? I'm serious, man. Adam Carolla's got a super successful comedy podcast yeah i want to take that in great down why don't we why don't you set your sights on something close like we're so far behind him yeah i really think we're gonna pass adam carolla i don't think so he's 10x uh what we do audience wise uh even if every single listener leaves thank you sandy pandy keep those reviews coming i'm serious but just listening to the podcast also helps don't think that we're

pissed at other people no no no if you ain't leave a review get off get off our shit i'm serious that's the literally the least you can do yep is sign into iTunes, find our podcast somehow in the store, and then leave a positive review. And don't leave that four-star shit. Yeah. That's going to mess with our rating. Because we yelled at you, you're going to leave a four-star review? That's not all right. Dicks.

Did you want to talk about anything else on our break? I guess not really. Is this coming out tomorrow? Yeah, Thursday. Oh, cool. So if you guys are coming to Comic-Con. Oh, yeah. We're going to be doing a live podcast taping at Comic-Con with Pete Holmes.

I wonder if Pete knows about it yet. Oh, you know what else we could do is talk about the live tour that we're going on in November. That's true. But I don't know how to tell people to find out about that. All right. We got an exciting announcement coming up. Not yet, though. Or maybe yet, and go to our jakeandamir.com site,

and it'll tell you all about it. This is the worst promotion for this tour ever. You guys sold three tickets yesterday. I guess people were confused about whether it was real, didn't know where to go to buy the ticket, and then you told them to go to a URL that didn't promote the tickets at all. More to come soon, all right? Google it.

It's not that hard. Google Jake and Amir and then your city name, and if we're going to you, then hey, it'll pop up. It's not so well. You guys have to do the heavy lifting. All right. Should we take it home? Let's bring it home.

Let's get to one more or maybe two more questions. Uno mas. Dos mas. Duo mas. All right. Ready? Y'all. Hey, dudes.

Oh, wait. Who's this coming from? Oh, oh, oh. Eric Decker. Oh wait, who's this coming from? Um, uh, um, oh, oh, oh, Eric Decker. Oh, nice. Thank you. Nailed it. He's a good looking guy. Yeah, shit.

From Eric Decker writes, so I'm 17 living in the UK and I'm pretty confident that my girlfriend has me completely whipped. It's just that no matter what we are doing, she always seems to be in absolute control and could pretty much make me do whatever the fuck she wants. It's not that I resent her for it or anything. It's just that I hate the fact that my friends and even some of her friends now are picking up on the fact that I'm a bit of a bitch and a pussy when I'm in this relationship. Does this make me weak? I really don't want to lose her, but I hate being whipped. Any advice on how I can turn the tables and make her the pussy in this relationship? I love Eric Decker.

I was so with you until the end. When you don't want equality, you want the top spot. You little shit. Well, he wants the top spot for as long as he's been the bitch and the pussy, then we can call it even. You're like a supervillain.

You want equity. You want vengeance. You're like some nerdy little nebbish scientist who's been wronged. You feel slighted your whole life. Then somehow you're like, oh, wait a second. I want to hurt everyone. I want the powerful spot. No, it's not about that.

You can also see him getting angry through the course of the email. He's like, I'm kind of pussy whipped. I don't really hate it, but it kind of pisses me off how much her friends and my friends give me shit about it. How do I make her the pussy? I really hate being the pussy. What? You said you didn't mind it, but by the end you said you hated being the pussy. I really think he's just, oh my God, there's so much resentment here. I think, wasn't it Eminem that said, I'd rather be a pussy-whipped bitch, eat pussy, than have pussy licked with a clit ring in my nose?

What? I'd rather be a pussy-whipped bitch. Rap it like he did. I'd rather be a pussy-whipped bitch, eat pussy, than have pussy licked with a clit ring in my nose. Quit ringing my flows. If y'all leave me alone, you wouldn't say what i told i wouldn't have to go eeny meeny miny moe i'm slim shady yes i'm the real shady all you other slim shadies are just imitating uh is that from what song is that from uh i don't know uh uh grab a

home by his toe oh there's really nothing left to say i can't explain it I think my dad's gone crazy Is Haley in that song? Yeah, she sings I think my dad's gone crazy You don't know that song? No Really? Well, I mean, you know every Eminem song I feel like actually you're

You are a racist Because you like rap But the only rappers you like are Eminem and Macklemore We're talking about this guy being a pussy whip Let me see your phone. Holy shit. Not a single black artist. Holy shit.

Your wallpaper is Himmler. Jazz, but you got Kenny G. Kenny G. The Macklemore of jazz. So inspirational Yeah you should listen to My Dad's Gone Crazy That's our advice to you man

You're gonna be a pussy You really are So first of all you never flip the Once you're in the Less dominant position You're never gonna become the more dominant one That's not necessarily true. You can't flip it entirely.

I flipped it before. You can't flip it. I flipped it before. You can't flip it. You can't flip it. The trick is to stop caring about your girlfriends. Suddenly, by proxy, by default, you have the upper hand. Right now, you're like, you like her a lot.

You love her. So she says, oh, let's go here. You're like, yes, of course. I want you to be happy. So you're never going to be able to be like, no no i don't want to do that because you like her too much right the trick is you need to start cheating on her emotionally and physically grow a little distant start resenting her you say you don't resent her why don't you start resenting her a little bit that's going to bring you further apart from her you're not going to give a fuck about her

anymore then she says hey let's do this and you're like you know what no i don't really feel like it and then she's like excuse me and then all of a sudden guess what buddy you're not going to give a fuck about her anymore. Then she says, hey, let's do this. And you're like, you know what? No, I don't really feel like it. And then she's like, excuse me. And then all of a sudden, guess what, buddy? You're in the top spot. You're top dog. Problem is, now you want out of the relationship. The only real issue is that once you want out of the relationships, you don't care what her friends and your friends start saying about it anymore.

So you're caught in between being a pussy and not giving a shit. You got to be single, dog. I swear. You got to be single, man. We'll hit the town. You wing for me. I wing for you. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, people think that being single is lonely, but it's not. I'm with a different girl every night, and I'm just emotionally fulfilled. Maybe I wake up alone, but I don't go to bed alone. I'm only alone during the day Uh oh I'm alone with my thoughts at night After the bitch has fallen asleep But it's like whatever I don't give a fuck

Cause my thoughts are just about suicide I can get past that What? I will say If you break up with your girlfriend I would love to meet her I just think I think I can find my soulmate And I think she's gonna fix me I will say if you break up with your girlfriend, I would love to meet her. I just think I can find my soulmate, and I think she's going to fix me.

And I think she's a 17-year-old in the UK. If she's hot enough to date Eric Decker, she's definitely DTF for me. ED. No, I really do think that you can find equality. Maybe have an honest conversation with your girlfriend. And if it keeps up, then just break up with her because it's not worth like feeling so insecure and feeling like, you know,

looked down upon by your friends. I feel like I know more relationships where the woman is the dominant one. I don't know a lot where the guy is. Yeah, me either. But, but that's just cause we're't know a lot where the guy is. Yeah, me either. But that's just because we're friends with a lot of pussy loser dudes. Pooh nannies.

We're not friends with Eric Decker. I bet Eric Decker and his relationship doesn't treat his girlfriend with any respect. The coolest guy in the world. And he catches TDs on Sunday. And catches TDs on Sunday and STDs on Saturday. Hi, I'm Eric Decker. Uh, yeah, no, you, I don't know. My advice is to talk to your girlfriend, I guess. Or what if you don't have an outright conversation about it? Cause that'll piss her off. What if you just start

putting your foot down every other time? So she's like, turn off the TV or let's go here or you have to do this. So you'll say yes a little bit but then throw in some no's. Suddenly you're not saying yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. You're saying yes, yes, yes, no, yes. And then it's yes, yes, no, no, yes. And then it's yes, no, no, no, yes. And before you know it, it's yes, no, no, no, no. But don't do it just to do it. And then you're saying, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, up for yourself, Poindexter. Come on, Poindexter.

Take a swing, man. What's that mean? Don't punch her. No, no, no, don't punch her. Please, I'm begging you. Should we get one more quick question in? Let's do it. Okay, here we go.

This one's a good one to go out on. We'll say this one is from Demarius Thomas Hey guys, so recently I Hey guys, so I recently received a mail You want to do this one? Hey guys, so I recently Oh yeah So I recently received in the mail a shirt of mine That had been missing for a couple of years

It was an important shirt to me because it was a graphic t-shirt Of a shark painting I had made when I was a little kid. I quickly put together from the note that was written inside the box that my ex-girlfriend from college, who I dated for three and a half years, had sent it back to me. We broke up a couple of years ago, and since then I've gotten married and had a baby. In the note, she had congratulated me for all the exciting things happening in my life, but did not sign the note, which seemed kind of strange. Should I email her or write her back to say thank you for sending the shirt, or should

I just let bygones be bygones? Also, the last time I ever saw her just so happened to be the day I met my wife. So it's been a while since I've been in contact with her, and I don't really think my wife would love it if I started being in contact with her. But the past aside, I do think it was a nice gesture to send me back the shirt. What should I do? Demarius thomas love demarius thomas she didn't sign it but he knew that it was from her i guess through the return address um i think he just gathered he said he gathered from the note right right and maybe like he just remembered the last time he had that shirt was he was with her

so he's wondering whether he should thank her or not over email i mean it sounds pretty it's it's it sounds like she just wants closure or she he just wants clothes sure you got it everyone you got a fucker i'm the hell? What? What are you talking about? He has a kid. So? What? So he has the fucker because he has a kid? You do you.

Jesus, man. Jesus. Awful, awful advice. It sounds like you're fine. You don't want to start a relationship. You don't even have to tell your wife. You got the shirt back. Email her.

Say thanks. I appreciate the note. The end. If you're in a really loving, committed relationship with your wife, you should have a joint email account so she should be able to check every email that you send. Yeah, you guys have a joint email. You have one cell phone. Yeah. I mean, my girlfriend, after the first week, sort of required me to have a joint email, joint cell phone, and then she could also have her own separate shit. So she has her own little side shit going on, and then we have the dual one. Yeah. Yeah. And you don't have your side shit.

Well, I'm not allowed to have side shit. Nor would I want any side shit. She explains it better than me because, like, she would get pissed even at me talking about this. How do I make her the pussy? All right, that's it. How do i make her the pussy all right that's it how do i give her the side shit uh my advice is to let her know you got the shirt and say thank you but like don't ask a question don't leave it open open-ended cease communication and then

if she responds to that and like tries to open it back up shut it down would you say cease the cheese uh i wouldn't ever say that no and i also uh don't think you should ever say that ever again all right fair enough all right i'm also for emailing her very quick tersely hey got the shirt thank you so much at least you're not ignoring it which might make it weirder it's like i think so like if you ignore it it's like it turns like a nice gesture into like some kind of weird seductive yeah it turns it taboo when it's not necessarily i've had that situation in like a different place where i'm like i have a girlfriend and then like an ex-girlfriend reaches out and then it's like oh god what do i do do i reach out or do i not reach out like what's worse yeah because it doesn't mean anything to me but at

the same time i don't want to seem like oh i'm still so affected by this ex-girlfriend that I can't reach out back to her. Yeah, and as soon as you hide it, it's like, oh, wow, that makes, I think I'm having an affair all of a sudden. Wait, why'd you hide this email if it was so innocuous? I don't know, because I didn't want to have this conversation. Because I also don't tell you when I get coupon codes from J.Crew. They're all the same random email. It doesn't mean anything. But if it didn't mean anything, then why are you hiding it?

I'm not hiding it. Do you get what I'm saying? But do you get what I'm saying? I love her. Is that fair? I still love her. What's that from? I think actually it's from Thomas Middleditch.

Oh, yeah. Because I loved her. I killed her because I loved her. We should have Thomas on the show. That'd be fun. Thomas, if you're listening. He's not. I know for a fact he's not.

Yeah, the ex-girlfriend reach out is a difficult thing. It's true. I mean, I never, ever. I never handle it well. Whatever is the right way to do it, I don't do it that way. It's true. If I ignore it, it's bad. bad if i reach out back then it's like extra bad it's so weird because it really does go both ways like we're if i'm with somebody and an ex gets in touch with me it's like yeah fine that's nothing but then if like i'm with a girl and she's like talking to her ex i'm like

hey what the fuck what's this well we're still friends like no you don't get to because the thing is i think it's because with your relationship with your ex you know that it doesn't mean anything you're like right i'm totally over it it doesn't affect me emotionally at all but then with her relationship with her ex you don't know if that's the case yeah you don't know you never know like i feel like for me don't be worried about my ex future girlfriends of mine don't worry about my ex's contacting me. Worry about all the new girls that I haven't slept with. That's the threat. You understand, like, oh, man, you have a connection with that person.

They're getting in touch with you. No, yeah, I don't care. I see people on the street that I want to fuck all the time. You should be threatened by them, not the girl that I've already been with and I'm now bored with. Right. We broke up because I was tired of fucking her. Everybody else, you know, you were at one point new to me. You understand I like shiny new things, right?

My ex-girlfriend and my mom are like two girls you don't have to worry about. And you do have to worry about literally every other person. Oh, not her because she's ugly? No, no, no, you do. You do. She's above the ex-girlfriend, just to put things in perspective for you, honey. I don't care at all.

If I haven't been there, then I want to try. I want to go. But if you even so much as have a fucking cup of coffee with your ex-boyfriend, I will lose my shit. Yeah. That's not fair. I guess it's because you it stems from like not trusting yourself oh because you're like oh man i mean i i i'm i could

cheat on somebody so like they could cheat on me yeah but then it goes back to my thing of like i'm never worried or jealous because it's like all right if you want to be with someone else go be with someone else i'm not if me stopping you is what stops that from happening, then this relationship isn't very good to begin with. You never ever get jealous or worried? No. Cause it's like, oh, what? You want to go and have a coffee with someone else? Oh, you're going to fuck me. I know it. I have to stop it. All right, good. I stopped it. Now we're in a committed relationship again. Thank God I stopped it. Yeah, I guess that's, I mean, that's true, but I wouldn't, I don't think I would ever stop it, but at least I worry. At least I'm like, oh man, I hope nothing. I hope she doesn't. Uh, I guess it's never, I've never like caught a

girlfriend being like, yeah, I've got like drinks with my ex-boyfriend and then like, we're going out and we're going to a weekend away. I'd be like, oh, that's kind of not okay. Yeah, of course. That's, I mean, that's, I think, I really think it's just because I'm such a monster. So my girlfriend is like, oh, I'm going to go out tonight. I'm like, oh, well, when I go out, I try actively to cheat on you. So I think you're the same bad as me. But when it should be the opposite, like if you go out with those intentions, you should allow your girlfriend to do the same.

Of course. Well, I just should never have a girlfriend. But the fact of the matter is, that's not gonna happen. It's a double standard, and I more than embrace it. Yeah, I look forward to it. I celebrate it. I get to do things that would piss me off if she ever even thought about. It's a one-way

road, girl. And it leads to me being depressed as shit, alone, and scared. Oh, no. That it leads to me being depressed as shit, alone, and scared. Oh, no. That is our show. Solid episode. All right, cool. And we'll hang out the rest of the day?

Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I have to meet some other friends. I sure would rather not be alone. All right. Yeah, maybe you can find someone else to hang out with. I don't know. Who?

Listen, man. This is it. All right, i'll try to find one of the rosenbergs but just please don't leave me till i do at least until they text me back i don't like being alone man why do you say that so cool and confidently i don't like being alone though i'm protecting myself saying in a silly voice means it's not as true. Yep, silly voices. That's why I actively hurt people before they can hurt me. God, you are so self-aware for someone who's so broken. That's weird, right? It's like you already do go to therapy,

but you don't actively seek to change anything about yourself. You just fully understand what's wrong with you. Right, yeah, it can't be fixed. Yeah. All right. Hey, that is our time't be fixed. Yeah. All right. Hey, that is our time. Thanks so much for listening, everyone. Oh, totally forgot to mention, that first theme song that I love so much isn't by Rafi.

It's by a guy named Lars. Holy shit. Yeah. Of course. One of my faves. And we are still accepting, reviewing, using your theme song submissions. We haven't repeated, I guess we repeated once for the video episode, but we try to keep two new theme songs for every episode.

That first one was from Lars, and this next one is from James. James. Oh, and if that email again, if you want to email us in, is ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. We also have a live podcast taping coming up at NYC Comic Con, so check that out,

and also at Littlefield in Brooklyn on November 6th. Still tickets avail. Anything else? I think the reason it's weird is because email us in. You have to say something after. Email us in your theme songs. Email us in your questions. So you can't be like,

all right, so yeah, that's email. Email us in and we'll... When I asked you for anything else, I didn't mean anything else that you wanted to make fun of me about. I'm not making fun of you. Yeah, sure you are. Constructed criticism. Sure you are.

No, this is making fun of me. Right? This is how you take it. This is how you take it. This is how you take it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is how you take it. This is how I take every constructed criticism.

Yeah, yeah. I guess I'm shallow. I guess I'm petty. I guess I'm small. You're using air quotes, but you are. Yeah, that's exactly right. Thanks for listening, everyone. Later.

Later. If I were you, this is what I would do. I would email Drake and Amir. Get their point of view. If you've got a problem, they could fix it. If you're coming in now, you're right on cue. Because if I were you, free falls now. That's it. That's our Thursday episode. Free falls now.