Segments - 280: Broken Wiener (live in Portland!)

Episode Date: June 26, 2017

In this episode we discuss good relationships, bad shits, and ugly lovers. Recorded live at Mississippi Studios, in Portland, OR! Brought to you by Spoke.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct.

And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards. And if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do. I do. Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy.

That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general. But I still have. You're a fan of gambling. Yes, of course. You're a fan of gambling in yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which

is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action pass is? Like these are like some advanced things that I know that you wouldn't. I basically know run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah. Running is when you run and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings pick six app.

Select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose to put some money on you select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat it's that simple and for all first time pick six players check this out new customers play five dollars on your first pick set and get fifty dollars in pick six credits very cool download the new draft kings pick six app now and use code SEGMENTS. That's code SEGMENTS for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in Pick 6 credits only on DraftKings Pick 6.

The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregonconnecticut. Must be 18 plus. Non-withdrawable. Pick six credits. Expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right.

Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Yeah. Okay. Hey. Yes, dude. Portland, dude.

Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Wow, look at that Oh boy All the way up there, huh? Don't jump, man Actually, fuck it Really? Jump! That's crazy Don't do shit, make my people wanna jump

Jump, jump, jump So offensive Definitely the last thing you wanna to hear before you kill yourself. An old Chris Cross song? Yeah. What a way to go. You guys can get the seats standing room only. I love that.

Because it means more cash in my pocket. Actually, who has money to just throw at us? This is so... God, you're small. Don't raise your hand. That's... What? Don't raise your hand.

Throw the money. Good man. Who snorted? We got a snorter. All right. And a hoarder. Holy shit. You brought a bag of your own feces.

What's wrong with you? Crazy. Now I just want you to laugh and snort. I want you to snort all night long. Is that fair to say? It's a little uncomfortable. That is how he hits on people, though. So it's working?

Yes, dude. Well, the reason we're here is Spoke. I don't know if you guys know this, but Spoke is a new podcasting Listening app From Sirius XM Brought us here So give it up for Spoke

For bringing us here If you want a better way If you want a better way To consume audio content Download the app Create a profile And then that's the Meet and greet

To hang out with us After the show right Yeah So people download the app They create the profile And they can you know Take a picture Hang out And you already drove here From right? So people download the app, they create the profile, and they can, you know, take a picture, hang out. And you already drove here from fucking Seattle,

so you can take the extra step. You know what I'm saying? Oh, your phone is out. I know it. All right. Way to go. And you can do that at hearspoke.com. But for now, I don't know if everybody knows this.

I assume they do because they purchased tickets to this event. Hopefully. This is a live podcast. This is a podcast show. Everybody leaves. Oh, no. We lost them. They thought it was rock and or roll music.

No, it is. It is just a podcast. Do you guys all listen to the show? Somebody who here has never heard the show? Never heard it, right? Dragged by a friend, a loved one. Oh, you never heard of it. Hey, that's my mom's friend, Xiao Yang.

Oh. That's right. You should stand up. You should stand up because it is your mom's friend, right? My mom's friend. And whatever I say here tonight, please do not report back to my dear, dear mother. I have a cousin from Israel up there. I bet he's never heard the show.

Gilad, have you ever heard of our podcast? Ken, Ken, toda. Ken, lo? Lo, lo, lo. Yeah, that's a heard the show. Gilad, have you ever heard of our podcast? Ken, Ken, toda. Ken, lo? Lo, lo, lo, yeah, that's a no. That's a hard, hard no. You can get, yeah, you can get podcasts in Israel, so you really have no excuse,

but thank you. Do appreciate it. And you do understand English. Oh, did you like when your little cousin suggested that one of our fans kill themselves? Don't tell my mommy's brother.

This is going to be fun. If you guys don't mind, maybe we answer some questions for you guys. Maybe you guys can join in on the fun. So why don't we take a seat, try to answer as many questions as we can get through in this sweet, sweet 75-minute ride we call life. Jump, jump, jump.

Don't Blumenfeld make you want to jump! Oh, yeah. Hey, who bought us drinks? Toda, gracias. You got a mirror of the Cosmo, is that correct? Thank you. This is Pepto-Bismol. Cheers to Portland. How about it? Thank you guys for coming

to the show. What is Pepto-Bismol. Cheers to Portland. How about it? Thank you guys for coming to the show. What is a Cosmo? It tastes like pink lemonade and vodka. You know, I'm insulted, but I do love it. So I can't be that mad. Actually, this is like a party in a glass. And you're saying you can get this at the club? You cannot get into a club You went in every club line with the Cosmo

This is real good Add a little breast milk to this That's a cosmopolitan Sorry, you said Add a little cinnamon horchata milk Cinnamon horchata You said breast milk You said breast milk

You said add a little breast milk to this I'm just saying if you want a little more viscous So you can throw a discus I'm gonna be sick, let's go Alright, real questions, real people Gonna give them fake names so you can throw a discus. I'm going to be sick. Let's go. All right. Real questions, real people.

Going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. All we need is a fake name to get us started. The guy that bought me a whiskey said Crandus, so we got to go Crandus. All right. This is a guy named Crandis from England.

Anybody here from England? Really? You're British? Hell yeah! What? He's a fucking spy, dude. You're a fucking spy? Yeah, why would he be living there? Are you the guy with the dossier? You have the fucking dossier, dude.

He's holding the fucking dossier. You have a dossier, man. Whoa, dude. You have the pee tape. You were in the pee tape? It was him in a wig urinating on Donald Trump Jr. Junior? Yeah, it's a much smaller dossier.

Shit. Okay. All right. 21-year-old from England, Crandis writes, I live at home with my mom. Definitely from England. In a small house

when I'm not at university. My mom and dad got divorced when I was young, so I'm used to having different men around over the years, which is fine. We got to snort. You're snorting at the

That's just at the divorce We should have a count Three So three so far I heard one at some point before that There's four Alright Anyway

Oh sorry She recently got a new boyfriend And he is hashtag dope A legit guy And nice to my mum Anyway On to the problem I am currently home from university She recently got a new boyfriend and he is hashtag dope, a legit guy and nice to my mom. Anyway, on to the problem. I am currently home from university and I keep hearing the new boyfriend giving the pork sword to my mom while I'm in my room trying to sleep.

That is sex. That is correct. Yeah. Being stabbed with a pork sword. My door is shut, and so is hers, but that does nothing to slow the noise. Slapping, shouting, sweating, screaming and creaming.

He can hear the creaming? Sometimes they go on for hours. Is he Clark Kent or is a four-hour session a standard thing? It's certainly not for me, LOL. I really hate wearing earplugs as they are very uncomfortable and I struggle to sleep with them in, but I feel like this is my only onion. It's a typo.

What should I do? What should I do, writes Cranda. Should I confront him and tell him to keep his mojo at bay while I'm at home? Or should I ask my mom to stop being such a dick fiend? Or should I leave them do it? Be happy she's happy

and buy some earplugs. Maybe if I keep walking in on them. What? Help me solve my problems so I can sleep freely and seize the cheese on a daily basis. Much love, Crandice.

Let's go over Crandice. Over Crandice. Interesting. Would you rather hear your mom fuck your dad or a hot new boy? Dude. I would fucking kill to see my mother, the angel that she is, upgrade.

My goodness. My dad's a... He's a troll. He's a bridge troll. He's a goat. My dad is... He's a farm animal. He's a piglet. He is the hay. My dad's a trough. What? My dad is a trough man.

What's going on in the trough? That's where the animals piss and shit and sort of drink and then spit back. And the farmer comes and his wife's not looking. So he has a quick J-O into the trough. And that's your dad? Play a little game with the llamas, I guess.

I don't know. Farmers are fucked up. So yeah, that's my father. Yeah. So if my mom would, Jesus Christ, I would have her fucking have sex with the suicide guy up there. And it would be a post-mortem. Yeah, it would... Wow. Yeah.

Rock hard rigor mortis cock dog. Don't the shit make my people wanna... If we could get everybody here to chant, we should do it. You wouldn't even necessarily die. You would probably hurt a lot of these people.

They would die. And, like, spray in her rib. Yeah, no, I would. I guess I would feel like the discomfort of earplugs is better than the discomfort of hearing my mother get railed. Yeah. But I wonder if it's better that she's railing a boyfriend rather than a dad,

because you're only hearing one parent orgasm. Just fucking grab the sheets in ecstasy. Oh, my God. Health tilt back, eyes rolled up. Are you thinking about your mom right now? What? Whose mom are you thinking about? You're talking about parental orgasms.

And you're so animated and happy. I just wonder whose parents you're thinking of. I'm just saying, imagine a mom's fucking toes curling. A mom, but like, who's the mom that you... Beats of fucking sweat on the forehead. Vein, this fucking vein. You guys know what I'm talking about, the vein. And it's a scratchy...

Ah, she can't fucking take it. It's a scratchy voice because she's been screaming all night long. But then like to imagine that's your dad, it's not as exciting. Well, no, I would love to imagine. I would like to imagine my dad had moves because then you're like, oh, I inherited those. Oh. You know? Rather than your mom's moves. Well, I inherited my dad had moves because then you're like oh i inherited those oh you know rather than your mom's moves well i inherited my mom's moves i inherited i inherited nothing from my father

except your inheritance i'm a hundred percent laura you better believe that what about your financial situation i swear to god i don't even know if my parents consummated the marriage i think i sprung from my mother's womb like jesus did i think it was immaculate i yeah no i didn't come from my dad my womb like Jesus did. I think it was immaculate. Yeah, no, it didn't come from my dad. My mom would never fuck a, she wouldn't fuck a trough.

But cash-wise, I feel like a lot of it comes from your dad. Well, the money thing, yeah. The money comes from my father. The trough of semen and shit. Semen, shit, and cash. All right, let's try to answer this guy's question. Semen, shit, and cash. All right, let's try to answer this guy's question.

He said, I don't want to let you wear earplugs, which seems like fine, okay. I don't understand why he can't wear earplugs. It seems like the easiest. What about a white noise machine? Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Anybody out there rocking like a dome? Yeah. They came for the dome. The dome's got the 11 o'clock show, by the way. That's right. It's just a white noise machine with a microphone.

So you turn on the dome and then your mom gets dome and then you can't hear any of it. That's very good. How about a sip of the Cosmo for that, brother? Oh, wow. Hit the Cosmo for that brother Oh wow I am feeling a little sassy

I would do like a porn noise machine So then you wouldn't really know where the porn is Like where the sex noise is coming from Cause I feel like if you hear white What does a white noise machine sound like Like oh fuck me Todd You would hear that You want a white sex noise machine.

So it's white people having sex. Fuck me, Craig. Fuck me, Craig. Go, Todd. Oh, right there, David. That's the spot, David. Oh, bedrooms and garden, David. Oh, architectural digest, Todd.

Oh, they're taking house number two, David Oh The split level, David Oh, we should change the seats Sean All right, final answer, next question All right, here we go One more time for Krandis for writing that

I thought that was Bravo, bravo I thought that was brave of him. That was brave. It was absolutely brave. I wonder where the dad is. Eh, it doesn't matter. Oh.

Sorry, I was just imagining he was dead. Long time widow, first time caller This is from another dude Does anybody have a dude's name? Wow I heard one

You heard one? Yeah What did you hear? I heard one What did you hear? Snurgles Oh that was a trick And you got me with it too

We got snurgles out of it Very good Was it snurgles? got Snurgles out of it. Very good. Was it Snurgles? Yes! Snurgles! Snurgles? That guy looks like he produces the white... Snurgles with a U.

That guy produces the white sex noise machine. Look at him. Snurgles! That is what you say when you cum. Is that correct, sir? Good. From way downtown. Snurgles.

Snurgles writes, I've been with my girlfriend for nearing five years now and we're getting married at the end of summer. Oh, good stuff. We've only had sex with each other ever until a couple weeks ago when we decided to be more open without sexuality, with our sexuality

and release all restraints. The perfect open relationship was formed. Those are always perfect. It's been really cool and I'm super happy with where we are and where we're going but there is he wrote that right

there is yeah there's a popping noise like a thumb coming in and out of an anus I can't even do that again oh there he is but there's just one problem one dude she's been seeing has been telling her he's developing feelings for her.

He's kind of a douchebag, and I don't see how she'd be attracted to him in the first place. And she says she feels the same way. She said he may have a weird necklace, but to me... But to me, he's just a face to sit on. Yeah, dude. I'm the guy. Should I be concerned that this guy's gonna get weird with our super chill arrangement?

Should I try to get her to stop seeing him? I'm torn. Call me Dick Sandy. Love, Snurgles Alright how about we give it up for snurgles Alright one time So to him the arrangement is super chill Everything is good Ideal

Except he thinks the guy fucking his fiance Is a little bit of a douche bag Yeah he's kind of cray cray And he doesn guy fucking his fiancee is a little bit of a douchebag. Yeah, he's kind of cray-cray. And he doesn't want his fiancee, say, to sit on his fae face. Fae, yeah. Five. Five snorts.

I've never been in a situation like this, so it's tough. Can he say, I changed my mind about the open relationship? Or what if you just start amending shit, so you get a veto or two? So you know how some people have a list of guys they get to bone? So this is like, these are five guys you don't get to bone yeah or you just do like a rule like no neck lie oh that's good yeah you can plural of necklaces you can cheat on me but as long as they don't have jewelry yeah what do you think about a leather band though that's hot yeah real thick with a button on it.

Yeah, that's nice. The snap-in kind, I'll sit on that face. If you had an open relationship, would your rule be no multiple times, no don't tell me about it, you have to tell me about it, nobody I know, nobody I don't know, where would you lean? I would say don't tell me about it, and let nobody i don't know where would you lean i would say don't tell me about it and let's go no face sitting wow is that crazy i feel like sitting on someone's face is the most intimate thing you could do i think that's more intimate than like a deep deep uh

dicking it really is if if you sit If someone's tongue is in your asshole, that's like the... That's so... Pardon me, but that's so romantic. So when you imagine sitting on face, it's always asshole because I imagine vajay... Vajay.

Do you sit with your vagina forward? Yeah, so I'd be like. But I guess that's the difference between us two. And actually that says a lot. Yeah. And not in a good way. What's that? Wait,

what was your? Cosmo kicking it? Cosmo? She thinks you're drunk because you're talking about you and I, I guess, sitting on each other's faces. Trust me, he's dead sober. There's no alcohol in the Cosmo. It's, I think, just a roofie. Is that correct, guys? You're the ones that bought it.

Which I gave to myself to loosen up pre-show style. That was at two with an espresso. Actually, we've never, we always talk about open relationships, but none of us have really been, has anybody here been in an open relationship? Woo? No, it's the same girl that wooed at the dome.

I'm starting to think you don't have any of this stuff. Are you in an open relationship right now? This guy wants to jump. Now you're ready to jump. Yeah, dog. Swing this way if you can, brother. Open relationship doesn't mean she has to fuck you. It just means she's legally allowed to.

So you're currently in an open? With one partner or multi? One. One lucky human. You and him or her? Do you mind me asking? Him. Okay, you and a him hanging out, open relationship.

You get to sleep with other people. He does too? Yeah. Who do you think's winning that game? She's pointing to herself. Get your numbers up. It's 43 to 2. That's another good rule.

You can hook up with someone, but then he has to match you. You can't ever be more than one apart. You always have to be ready to call a good rule. You can hook up with someone, but then he has to match you. You can't ever be more than one apart. You always have to be ready to call a mercy rule. If it's 7-0, 11-1, or 18-2, the relationship's over. Yeah, you've got to bench yourself for a little bit. You've skunked him. So what's the point of having a relationship at all if you get to sleep with other people?

Why don't you just not be in one? Yeah. You thought this was a comedy show? No. Like, what's the good part of the relationship that you're still getting? Oh, it's a long distance. So you never see him.

You fuck other people. So the good part about your relationship is you can fuck whoever you want, but you also still get to talk to someone on the phone all the time i got to skype with him four and a half hours a day and i all right so i can fuck whoever i want i need to keep track with two different time zones right that sounds convenient is it an ldr did it start long distance or it started short it went away then you're like, if we're going to do this long distance thing, we've got to be able to hook up with other people.

The latter. Cool. So by the end of the show, everything goes well. That guy's dead, and you're broken up with your boyfriend. We're sort of doing like a Tony Robbins thing up here. We want to help everybody. Sorry if we chose suicide for you.

That's how little we think that that would help you. Dark. Yeah. Absolute pitch black. Total. The show's death and come. You guys knew what you were coming for. So here we go.

So he's torn. What should he do? I feel like he's got to embrace the open, allow the face it, or just go back. All right, we had a little fun and games, but no more sitting on people's torn. What should he do? I feel like he's got to embrace the open, allow the space it, or just go back. All right. We had a little fun and games, but no more sitting on people's face. I feel like, yeah, you're right. If you have an open relationship, you can't start making it un-chill.

You know? It's got to be full chill or just like standard rules. Yeah. What's standard? Standard rules is don't cheat on me. I don't care how cool his necklace is. Good luck, Dick Sandy. Godspeed.

Spurgles? Snurgles. Snurgles, Snurgles, Snurgles, Snurgles. All right. Snurgles, yeah. I'm sorry. We need another man's name. Wait, what was it?

Harry Potter. Harry Potter. Original. Harry Potter. Wait, what was it? Harry Potter. Harry Potter. Original. Harry Potter. You don't understand. It's spelled like H-A-I-R-Y. That would be a really great porn star's name, actually. Because he's already working in the dirt because it's a porn thing, right?

So he's digging. It's scat porn. So he's putting a little rose. And then he would do a gay thing with Sirius Black. That's spelled S-E-R. Maybe we can pitch that to SiriusXM.

Really? Yeah. Is that crazy? Because they're looking for branded content. Oh, the spoke executive is leaving. Oh, alright. Fair. Alright. content is oh there the spoke executive is leaving oh all right that's fair uh all right harry potter so excited so excited for a popular film harry potter hasn't had enough time in the fucking limelight he's got to take over my show too Fine You win this round Just kidding, Rowling Alright, ready? Harry Potter

So I've been taking fiber pills Nice dude Very good man Harry Pooter You read the question beforehand You wrote it Good man. Harry Pooter writes,

so I've been taking fiber pills and now my shit comes out real nice. Yeah, you gotta give it up for those people that keep it healthy, man. All is well, except for the fact that this wet mess that comes out is rancid. So not real nice, right?

Well, it slides right out. It just smells a bunch. I'm talking about some serious chemical warfare type shit. I would take this trade of smelly instead of painful any day, but the people at work have started to more than notice the change. They've become angered by it. When I'm shitting in a stall, I can hear people mumble in disgust. And soon they all clear out of the bathroom.

Fortunately, no one suspects that I am the infamous diarrhea fiend. But I'm afraid I'll be caught soon. At lunch break, all my friends do is share who they think it is and what they've heard, and I keep my poker

face the entire time. Yesterday, someone literally looked under the stall to see what shoes I had on. Who the fuck are you? You smelly bandit. I predicted this was going to happen beforehand and had been keeping my shoes out of sight the entire time. But he wouldn't leave. It was like a fucked up game of chicken.

Who's going to be the first to leave or get yelled at by the line leader? Luckily, I got away with it that time, but I don't know how long I can keep this charade up. I crawled through a duct above the toilet. I would have stopped taking the pills before this all started, but it feels so good.

I don't want to go back to having shits with the coarseness of sandpaper. Also, without the pills, my dump sessions take too long, and I can't get back to my post in time. This has been going on for two weeks, and I think I only have a few days left. Seriously, what do I fucking do?

I feel like I'm trapped in a world where the only options are pain or embarrassment. Please help. ASAP. Love, Harry Pooter. Harry Pooter, everyone. Yeah. Ooh. That is, that's fun.

I like this. This is like some sort of shitter mystery. Yeah. Who pooped it? What's fun. I like this. This is like some sort of shitter mystery. Yeah. Who pooped it? What's your shit schedule like nowadays? Oh, you know me, man. I'm very regular. I usually wake up around 2 a.m., explosive diarrhea.

Then a quick little jaunt of insane constipation around 9.30. Then I'm in the ER from around 11 to nooner where they are extracting rock hard glass-like diamond shit from my rectum. It's shiny and small. And then 4 p.m., I'm sort of just taking the liquid shit at work. Not in the bathroom, but just dragging. You call it the hot wets.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those will cut through the concrete in the parking lot for sure. Those are acidic. And then I'm falling asleep in a fever dream. What time is that? Oh, that's around 2 p.m. after the acid shit starts to dissipate.

Okay. No, I don't have a regular schedule I'm just you know Whenever the fuck I feel like it That's really cool dude That's pretty chill Are you on a sketch? I'm on a sketch

I'm on a morning sketch Morning sketch? Wake up shit? Wake up Have a little Have a banana Y'all know how much I like my nanas And then what comes out

Can only be described as a brown banana. You only eat banana peel and all. That's right. And then it comes out. As I push it in, it comes out. That's how stuffed I am. Interestingly enough, you do push it into your ass. It's the circle of life. Yeah, and then I

switch it up every other week. Well, you push it into your ass and it comes out of my mouth. So I would say my shit schedule is every day I regurgitate a banana. But have you experienced this? Have you experienced the stinky shit? Have you experienced the fibrous shit? Have I experienced a stinky shit?

But on the rag? What a flattering question and I appreciate that. When you know you're going to have a really smelly shit, it's a courtesy flush. There's a name for it. You just flush the toilet as you're shitting.

You know what I noticed pretty late in life is the ones that stink the most are you look down and it didn't get all the way underwater. It's like creeping up out of the water, like sort of a seal just coming out. I didn't want to leave you, butthole. It dies there never let go

those are the ones that smell if it goes completely submerged that's the water for you it's an insulator it keeps the stink I feel like if you well this guy just needs to get ready and then like as he's shitting

flush the toilet and then the smell is taken away oh so it's just like instant going down. Yeah. What is poo-pourri? You spray it on the toilet before you shit? How do so many people know about poo-pourri in this audience? Do they want to sponsor our podcast?

You carry poo-pourri around with you at all times? Wait, it's just a little bottle? Do you just have it? It's like binaca. It's that small? And you can use it as a mouth spray as well? Absolutely. So before someone shits in there, you just...

Right. So the girl with the guy in the necklace, she will spray before she sits on the boat. That's right. That sounds like a good advice. Yeah, poopery, that works.

Extra shoes. That's what I was thinking, dude. You get a pair of Crocs popped in the backpack. You put them on before, like, as you're shitting. Like, this shitter has Crocs. I fucking knew that, dude. No, it's not him. shitting, like, this shitter has Crocs. I fucking knew that dude.

No, it's not him. It's Harry Pooter went in there with a backpack, but I assume he's not wearing Crocs. You know what you could also do is you just,

like, fucking, one day, you just watch somebody, they're washing their hands, and then you, like, put them in a sleeper hold

or something, drag his lifeless body outside and be like, I got him. That was the serial shitter. And then you spend the rest of the time shitting somewhere else. You've evaded the moniker of diarrhea fiend forever. And I'm sure you've committed murder, but it's a small price to pay.

Or poopery is also fine. You can get that on Amazon, I imagine. Use our coupon code for sure, though. Oh, yeah. Do we have one of those? Yeah, I think so. All right. Thank you for the advice. We're about to halfway point, so why don't we get a round of applause. We'll take a little break.

Thank you. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience.

The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey, and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S.

Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help.

I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah.

How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday.

So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter,

which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to

squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready

to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Wow. What a whirlwind that was. Whoa, ho, ho, ho. Our longest break ever, an hour and a half. That was an amazing break dance, by the way.

Thank you. It was so cool. I've been studying on the DL for the last nine years. I didn't know you could head spin. That's nuts. Yeah, I've been doing a head spin. That's nuts. Why did you think I brought a helmet here?

It's so cool. It was insane to me. Just really neat that that happened. All right, now that we're back from the break, why don't we get, finally, finally, a question from a female. Does anybody have a... Yo, Harry Potter fan yelling, Hermione Granger.

Wait. Mo? Mo? Did I say it right? All right, good, Mo. I say Mo, and they're like, Mo, and then I say Mo, and they say Mo. You just say, when I say Mo,

you guys would just go like this Now I get it She was saying no No Moe Moe Moe Moe writes Recently I started doing some stand up comedy

I'm a 17 year old female My problem is this I recently did a set at my high school showcase. It went over really well. One guy even said he recorded it so that he could have it for when I'm famous. The problem is my dad.

A lot of my jokes were aimed towards him. My mom was there, and she recorded it, and now my dad really wants to see the recording. Should I tell him that no one recorded it, or should I just suck it up and let him watch the video? Don't know if this is TMI, but he was a cult leader in the 90s.

He doesn't know that I know he was a cult leader. Huge fan of the show. Love you both. Very excited to see you in Portland this Tuesday. Love Mo. Did, does anybody here wrote that? Did someone,

did someone here, did someone here's dad lead a cult? Yeah, no, she's 17, right? So she would get kicked out as soon as she raised her hand. Well, I figured if her dad is that convincing,

he could probably call the venue and figure something out. I thought my dad was a piece of shit. You know, just because you're a cult leader doesn't mean you're a bad guy. It just means you're very persuasive. Yeah, what kind of cult? That's a good question. I think...

Because there are good cults. Cults sort of get a bad rap for, like, the suicide thing. There's a good cult? What one? Scientology. Scientology's not a good cults. Cults sort of get a bad rap for the suicide thing. There's a good cult? What one? Scientology. Scientology's not a good cult. That's one of the worst ones. Judaism.

Not yet. You want to go there? I love it. I'm just saying, just because something's a cult doesn't mean it's bad. I feel like that's the definition of cult it's led by a very persuasive leader of sorts but like you're thinking like office space was a cult classic comedy

yeah that could be a cult but then not like oh this you know breathing only air and not eating food and dying is a cult thing too yeah that could be another type of cult so there's some good, there's some bad. You can't really put your finger on which one is which.

Well, you can usually identify the bad ones by the ones that make you kill yourself. Is it illegal to convince someone to do something? We're asking for this guy still. Oh, no, there was. It just happened. It just happened. There was a text message and the phone call. What about in the 90s?

If I say, if I convinced you to give me money, is that robbery? Or am I just like kind of cheap? Right. Well, if you convince me to give you, yeah, no, that's like a pyramid. Oh, no, pyramid schemes are illegal, right? No, pyramid schemes are separate. But is being like a bum illegal? Like you could ask for money.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. And if I'm like, hey. We should obviously be lawyers. If I'm like, you're really going to go to hell. Your Honor, is that illegal? And he's like, yeah. I'm saying We should obviously be lawyers If I'm like you're really gonna go to hell Is that illegal? And he's like yeah I'm like oh really? I rest my case

I didn't know that And I don't think my client did either Jury Did you guys fucking know that shit? Yeah I mean we knew it Really? Shay you guys should be the lawyer, and I should be the jury. You talk shit about

your dad. No, I don't. Leading to bitchness. Do you want your dad to find out that you think he's a gourd My father Tread lightly fucker Alright You take my father's name out your damn mouth

You called him a trough of shit I called him A lot of things with love And you come over here You call him a trough of shit No you said that That's not cool man What?

That's not cool at all That's not fucking chill That's really not My dad's a noble man He's an honorable man He said a farmer Jacked off in a trough Ew

You're cross And that was your dad You're cross This is how you make people laugh Hardy har har No Farmer jerk off in a trough That's funny to you?

I mean, it is funny, but that's easier. You're a sad man, and my dad is a proud man, and my dad is a rich man. Yeah. That's right. All right. I guess if I were you in this situation, I'd be like, Dad, don't worry about the stand-up.

Come to my next show. And then the next show is all about how cults rule. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And when Haley's Comet comes back around, let's kill ourselves. Right, Daddy-O? You may suck as a comedian, but you're a good daughter.

And you know what? I wish I could say that about myself. You could make a lot more money as a... You should really be sitting in the Cosmo. Oh, yeah. I wish I could say that About myself Good man Bartender

Never let me see The bottom of this ass And I won't let you see The bottom of this sass That should be the caption For the photo of Amir sitting on my face, or any of you who have yet to post it. Bartender, never let me see the bottom of this ass.

Man, that's good. That's funny. Tragedy plus time. That's why we have a lot more on the Heaven's Gate cults. That's right. Yeah, I feel like everyone says the cults are about the suicide and the kill yourself. And granted, I made some pretty dark jokes earlier. Hell, who hasn't?

Well, none of these people have. Of course. They're better people than you. But I feel like there's some cults that just extort people, and that should be fine. If I can convince you to give me cash, maybe we'll call it an idiot tax and I deserve the money. That's fine. Isn't

nice shoes a cult in a way? You don't really need the nice shoes. That's what I'm telling you. Nike and fucking Adidas. You guys walk around flaunting that logo. You're wearing Nike. Really? Also I am. All hail. Phil Knight.

All right. Oh, here's a good question. How about somebody up there yell a guy's name? Shia. Shia. Shia the frigging beef? La beef? Shia the frigging beef.

Oh, my God. That A-list celebrity. God. God. Wow, you think he's at the show? How insane was it that we got to shoot with him? Yeah, I don't know if you guys, have you guys seen all of the old Jake and Amir videos? We had...

We had the Transformers, friggin' Indiana Jones, even Stevens, Yeah, Megan. The guy that was legit dating Megan Fox in our web series. That's insane to me to think. Just absolutely. Shia, the freaking beef. This was after Holes, though, right?

Yeah, it was after Holes. Post Holes, but pre-Transformers, I think it was. That's another caption for the picture, is post-hole, pre-Transformers, I think it was. That's another caption for the picture, is post-hole. Pre-transformer. Shia the frickin' Bean writes, the other night I hung out with some friends at a bar and I met a girl who was a friend of one of my friends

who I already knew. We talked for a while, and maybe it's because I was drunk, but I said we should hang out, and I asked for her number the next morning I felt bad because I have a girlfriend

we've been dating for three years and she's currently on an extended work trip some 10 hours away from me she won't be back until mid-August. And I don't want this girl to think I asked for her number for some romantic reason. I don't even remember if I mentioned that I had a girlfriend

because I was so drunk. Oh. Can I ask this girl to hang out in a platonic way? Should I just not and delete the number? Should I ask her to hang out when we're with mutual friends? To add to my question, I'm super lonely without my girlfriend. We know. And I don't have many friends.

How can I make more friends and hang out with people more often without coming off as needy or horny? Love? Oh, Shia the Bean. Shia the Bean. Let's give it up for Shia can a man with a girlfriend befriend another girl

that's a friend no zero zero tolerance you have a girlfriend you cannot befriend a girl under any circumstance meet up with her one on one

I can do that, but I will fuck her eventually. So, yeah, you can do that if you are down to end your relationship, or at least lie to your significant other forever. So why? You say no because you'll want

to have sex, or because you will have sex? Because I will, but other people might want to, But I can fucking do it, you know what I'm saying? Can you befriend a lesbian that wouldn't have sex with you because she's not sexually attracted to you? I don't know about that. You're saying

you befriend a lesbian, you still have sex with her? Straight up, when I'm with someone, I don't know if I should have friends. Even if it's a guy, you'll fuck a guy. I think i could fuck anyone all the time i'm always wanting to so it's it's about the guy more than the girl who trusts him or something i think i guess my genuine answer i think it yeah it takes a lot of context i think you could have a straight actual platonic relationship with somebody but this relationship

that this guy described it didn't sound very platonic because he somebody. But the relationship that this guy described, it didn't sound very platonic, did it? Because you met drunk. Yeah, you met drunk and you didn't tell her that your girlfriend existed. So it doesn't really sound like a platonic kind of thing. Is there a lady out there with a boyfriend right now of three-ish years?

Glasses right here, standing up. Okay, your boyfriend... He's right here. Oh, your boyfriend's right here? Do you trust that motherfucker? Would you let him get a drink with a friend that happened to be a woman? Probably not.

What if it was a friend that predated you? So like an old friend of his. Maybe. If you were there too. So not a solo one-on-one. Just doing like referee shit. What if he, oldest friend in the world

is a very unattractive gay woman. Still, oh, that's fine? That's fine. Very unattractive straight woman. Can we ask the boyfriend? You can do it. So he can get a drink and befriend a woman

as long as she's less attractive than you objectively. That's a good rule. No, no, no, no, it's not. I fuck people that are less attractive than people I love all the time. I almost do it exclusively. What about the boyfriend? Would you let your girlfriend...

Did you say yes? Or you haven't said anything yet. Would you let her hang out? Your girlfriend goes out with a bunch of lady friends and she's like, I met this guy, he's really nice and friendly. We're going to get a drink on Tuesday. Because you know Portland turns up on a Tuesday. I know it, I know it, I know it.

So what do you say to that? Fuck that guy. Whoa! You were telling her to fuck him? Whoa. That's hot. As long as you're there. That's awesome, dude.

Just make a cuckold of me. I think it depends on the girl. It depends on the guy. I don't know. Would anybody here just like not even bat an eye? You raising your hand right there. What? Sorry, we got to repeat that.

We have to repeat that into the microphone for those listening at home. You're in Portland, Oregon, correct? Your boyfriend... That much we know is true. Everything else could be a lie, and I hope to God it is. Your boyfriend is currently in California with a girl he used to date? How did he spin that to you?

What did he tell you? What kind of mental linguistic sorcery, what Jafar staff did he put in front of your face that lets you... Agree to that? He hypnotized you. You're under a spell. I mean, I'm sorry, honey, but he's getting his. No, no, no.

We don't know that for a fact. I'm sorry. So why is he in California with a girl he used to fuck? He did invite your sister. This guy sounds awesome. Do I ask more questions or should we leave it at that? No.

Did you say he invited your sister? Leave it at that. Game over. Yeah, cross-examination. No further questions, Your Honor. I will tell you this. If he comes back and nothing happened, I guess

you're forever trustworthy. You've given him the ultimate test. How on earth will she know that nothing happened? He has the pinky promise. He sent the question? No, he's fucking somebody else, man. You know, maybe the joke's on us.

Maybe your relationship is built on such strong trust. He can go away to fucking Hawaii with all of his ex-girlfriends. You know he's going to be thinking about you when he's fucking her? And that's not cheating. That's absolutely not cheating. I was thinking of you the whole time, baby.

That's an interesting quandary. Would you rather have somebody that you loved fuck someone else but think of you the whole time or fuck you but think of someone else the entire time? Wow. Yeah. I gotta go fuck me. Really? Yeah.

Really? Because at least I'm having sex. And she can think of fucking Elijah Wood or whoever the fuck she used to date. That's the hottest celebrity you could think of off the top of your head. Oh, you know, not fucking Christian Bale's ex. I think that's, I honestly think that's legit doable for me.

You fucking up with Elijah Woods ex? Yeah. Samwise Gamgee? Maybe. Wow. Sexy. I mean, I feel bad for her going from Elijah to this wood, but hell, I'll take it.

That's the pickup line. That's my Tinder bio. I'm looking for one woman. Do you guys have time to answer one more question? Uno Mas. You guys have been awesome. Thank you so much for coming out. What a fun show.

We'll definitely be back. Whether you like it or not. Oh, here we go. This is a good one. We need, let's go all the way up there, upper deck. What did she say? Spurgeon? Hell yeah, Spurgeon.

Spurgeon. Sturgeon writes. Spur, with a P, I think. Okay. All right. I have a serious problem on my hands. Recently, while me and my girlfriend of four years were getting down and dirty,

she was riding me when the unthinkable happened. Good night, everyone. We mustn't think of it. When the unthinkable happened. My wang slipped out, got bent backwards, and I heard a pop. I immediately recoiled in pain. It's been two weeks since this happened.

Oh, we got a snort. That was the sound of the pop. Don't this shit make my people want to snort? Snort. I heard a pop and immediately recoiled in pain. It's been two weeks since this happened and despite wrapping the little general up in a makeshift cast,

it refuses to work properly. Now my girlfriend is threatening to leave me if I can't get the coy diva to come out of its shell? Scream. My question is,

do either of you know any natural remedies that would... It really has to be natural. You didn't have to go holistic. This is your penis. What would... Natural remedies

to fix my heart problem? Please help. I really love this girl and I don't want to lose her. Todah. Love. Sturgeon. Spurgeon. Sturgeon.

This is. No. You're talking about splint plot. Like I'm making a splint of popsicle sticks. This is the most important thing on a guy's body. It's the fucking deck. You go straight to the goddamn ER. I don't care.

Like, Jesus Christ, why is he talking about doing like a natural remedy? Yeah. Burning sage along his shaft. That's right. Make sure the cheese is in a positive spirit. Fix it. And let the power of negativity compel you. Why negativity?

What? What? I didn't know you could break your dick. You said yup like you broke your dick. You said yup like you broke the dick. Have you broken your penis? No. No?

But you just know that it could happen to somebody that wasn't you. Isn't it a muscle? You would sprain it or strain it or tear it? Sprain the tissue? Do you watch porn where this happens? It seems like they would cut around it. Do we have a doctor in the house?

It damages the tissue? Have you broken someone's penis? You know this to be true? And what do you... No, I don't want to imagine my hard dick bending any which way. Bending?

So, kind of like bending a popsicle straw? Sorry, popsicle straw? You guys, Amir's from Israel. He hasn't had very many normal popsicles in his life. We have straw. And I'll give you a break, honey. What do you...

What would you do? What would you do? Your penis bends, pops. I'm doing something awesome. Sex. Right. And it... And it pops.

Pops. Like a fucking Pringles can. Just... Once you pop, the fun do stop. That's what I'm saying, dude. I guess I would... My dad's a gynecologist so that would be my first...

That's usually Mir's pickup line too. I can get you free birth control. I would make sure it's opposite day Call my daddy and be like Alright listen pops Iron pun intended

I know you're all about that cervix or whatever But I need your help bad I heard it pop I don't know what the fuck happened I think I strained my dick muscle Thoughts? So you're advising this guy to call your dad? I never brought I mean I've twisted my ankle. Maybe I'll do a little rice or something.

You gotta rest the rocket, ice the icicle, compress the cock. Of course. And elevate the elephant trunk. And that's all the fucking letters of rice, guys. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I do deserve the applause.

I do deserve the applause. And maybe if it still hurts, maybe pop a couple Advil up there. In the... It has to go straight to the source. It doesn't have to do that. Well, when I have a headache, I swallow it. And what do you do in your... I'll sit on a bottle of Tylenol's face.

God, that's hot. I mean, I don't know what to tell this guy. Your dick's broken. God, that's hot. I mean, I don't know what to tell this guy. Your dick's broken and you're writing a podcast. Where did you go? And you're not even writing for us to ask a doc.

You're writing a podcast to ask for natural remedies. Icy hot. Icy hot? I've put icy hot on my penis. It's the worst thing that you could possibly do. Do not do that.

You put Icy Hot on your penis and come to my next show and then you'll ask, oh, you're asking not why not, you're asking why did I? Yeah, why did you? That's our show, folks. Thank you. Thank you guys so much. Portland. We had an awesome time. I really

appreciate you guys coming. Did you guys have fun? Great. So did we. Namaste. Have a happy Tuesday. Thank you. We'll see you soon. Thank you, guys.

That was a HeadGum Podcast. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.