Segments - 282: Is It Cheating If...

Episode Date: July 10, 2017

In this episode we discuss getting grossed out and turned on. Also, tennis.See us in Montreal! Live "If I Were You" on July 25.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Yes, yes, yes, yes, dude. Yes, yes, yes, yes, dude Yes, yes, yes, yes, dude Just listen to If I Were You They're just two Jews

They'll answer all your cues And they'll help you to seize the cheese I'm saying and praying That you will listen to if I were you. Yes, dude. Yes, dude. Yes, dude. Yes, dude Yes, dude Yes, dude

Listen to If I were you I'm crying. Decent. What? Thanks for listening, everybody. This is If I Were You. Tears are streaming down my face,

and all you can say is decent. That shattered all the glass in the studio. Sorry, I was playing Tetris on my phone. It was immaculate. It was incredible. I have to listen to it again, because I wasn't really paying attention. But I thought it was good,

the part where it was like... I mean, the first three seconds. I heard you wanted more Broadway covers, right? It's Madison Daly. So here's the most dramatic, ridiculous Broadway solo of all time. And she has an album available on Spotify, Apple Music, and most other streaming platforms under her name, Madison Daly. Whoa.

Daly spelled D-A-L-E-Y. Madison Daly. Madison Daly. What is that a cover of? I guess it's a song from Dreamgirls. Cool. Which I only sort of like vaguely am aware of Dreamgirls. Same.

Remember that movie? Not really. I was searching about it. When do you think Dreamgirls. Same. Remember that movie? I'm not really. I was searching about it. When do you think Dreamgirls came out? 2003. Close. 2006. Cool.

It starred Beyonce Knowles and Eddie Murphy. Hmm. Yeah. Hmm. So she's worked alongside a couple of the greats. Eddie Murphy, Mike Myers. Yeah. Jamie Foxx and Danny Glover also in Dream

Girls. Cool. So, is that a mostly male cast for Dream Girls? No, it started three Dream Girls. Okay. I guess it was a musical, then a movie, and now it's a theme song for us. Perfect. So, thanks, Madison Daly, for

writing that for us. And thanks to you guys for listening to us This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet Brought to you by me And I I'm Amir I'm Jake And we are back from a long holiday weekend Oh yeah

Fourth of July seemed to have lasted a couple weeks That's fine, no complaints That's what happens when Fourth of July is on a Tuesday. I don't know what's going to happen next week. You mean next year? No, next week. In your life? The 11th of July. What am I doing for that one?

Yeah, what happens when 4th of July is on a Wednesday? Do people take the weekend before off? Does it kick off? 4th of July, that's when we became a country, right? Okay. I mean, the 11th of July, that's when we became a country, right? Okay. And, I mean, the 11th of July, there's still some really exciting shit happening. Yeah, 7-11. In the founding of our country.

They were like, all right, week one, we really got to, like, we have the 13 states, and now, like, what should... And now we have to, like, build houses and roads and shit. We should be celebrating that, too. That's what Rhode Island was. Really? Yeah. The full name is Roads and Shit Island. And then they're like, alright, let's call it Rhode Island. This will be like the

first one. What about houses and stuff? Houses and stuff, if you say it fast, that's what Connecticut is. Yeah. Interesting. Little American history facts. Not a big deal. Those ones are for free. But this is an advice show. It's an advice podcast.

People will email us from around the world. They'll email us to ifireashow at gmail.com. We read the questions. Our interns have been doing a great job finding some great questions for us. Yeah, it's really taken a bit of a load off. Super helpful. These are some of the questions that our interns found that we have. Let's say they're intern tested, but mother approved.

And I am mother. You are mother, I'm sure. I am a little mother man. You are mother and I am zaddy. What? Zaddy and mommy. This is the zaddy and mommy hour. Zaddy and zommy.

Zother and Zother. This first one comes from a lady. Have you have a lady's name? Ooh, yes, I certainly do. And I'm coming up with it as we speak. The lady's name. Yes. But of course, something topical going on this day, this hour.

Totally. Is, you know what? Venus Williams. Really? Wimbledon. Is she in Wimbledon? I watched her play yesterday. I don't know if she won.

She's still playing? Yep. 36, 37-ish. Jesus, man. Federer's in this one too. Really? Yeah. It's like nothing's ever changed.

It's weird. You could have, like, been watching, been really into tennis 10 years ago, and then, like, decided, oh, I'll get back into it. And then all the best players are the exact same. Yeah. Where's Yvonne Lendl right now? Dead. Sorry to tell you.

I didn't want you to have to find out like this, but he's dead. How did you want me to find out? I wanted you to tell you. I didn't want you to have to find out like this, but he's dead. How did you want me to find out? I wanted you to be surprised. So you did want me to find out like this? No, no. I didn't want you to ask. I wanted you to just one day be confronted with the fact. Yeah, that's what's happening.

That's what this is. That's exactly how I found out. I am shocked. I'm surprised. One day I'm confronted with that fact I feel like somewhere you knew you wanted someone to come up to me

and say by the way Yvonne Lendl's dead alright sorry about that weird goal you had alright Venus writes hey guys my name is Venus and I love your show I've written in a few times but I think I need the most help with this. My boyfriend and I have been with each other for a little over a year and have always been

very sexual. But for some reason, I constantly gag at his cum. I can't help it. I just do. I love giving him blowjobs and I want to stay intimate, but it's a huge turnoff for him. I don't know what to do. I have blown him till he came and I swallowed, but I only started gagging when he said he was. Hmm.

I have blown him till he came and I swallowed, but I only started gagging when he said he was. When he said he was coming? Got it. Like, if he comes on my stomach, I gag. If I see it, I gag. I don't want to Oh, so if she sees it, she gags, and if she just swallows, it's fine? Interesting. I don't want to gag, but

it just happens. I want to have sex and pleasure with him without gagging, but I can't help it, so how can I see cum and not gag? Is there a way I can get used to it and not gag? Any advice will help. P.S. I'm not grossed out by it, but that's just the way my body reacts.

And I've seen his cum thousands of times, but yet I'm still gagging. Thousands. Thousands of times. Okay. That's like three times a day, every day for two years, she's seen his cum. And gagged every time. Yeah. It's a turnoff for him if she gags at his cum.

Oh, come on. It's not that bad. It's just my seed. What's so bad about my seed? You're making me feel self-conscious about the jism that comes out of my cock. You know how some people have like the nail on the chalkboards thing, like the goosebumps? Yeah, yeah. Like, do you have one of those things? Yeah, I don't like, I can't stand like the thought even even of pencil on paper, but the lead is really dull,

and it's sort of the pencil lead and the wood of the pencil scraping on paper. Such a specific thing. So like an unsharpened pencil sort of scraping against a wood. Or like crayon that's all the way at breaks, and then you're just like scrub like the paper against other paper. So what is it? Is it paper?

It's wood on wood that you don't like? I guess, but it's really like, I think it, I could imagine just like a piece of wood on paper, and that would kind of be fine. It's like the writing utensil. It's like the dullness of that, and like the scraping.

Interesting. It makes me very uncomfortable even to talk about it. Mine is, I also dislike the speaking of it, but it's the, the, this should be its own podcast.

Yeah. Come on and talk about what gives you goosebumps. The grooves of a record, like really thin fucking grooves and like just scraping it with your finger, fingernail. Oh, I love that feeling.

Oh, and then the worst is when I press it against the pads of my fingers, which already have grooves, against the grooves, and it's just, it's like, you know, sometimes binders had like the two, like the hologram grows like this

and this or this or that. I could rub my hand around that all day. I hate that shit. I wonder if that's genetic or like some like weird repressed part of you at like age five was like abused by something. Did that beat you with a binder? Yeah. It's like, why is it different for some people? Why are there like groups of it?

Like some people don't like the nail on the chalkboard. Like that's a common one, but that doesn't really bother me. Some people don't like the like fork on a plate. Yeah. That one doesn't bother me either. Yeah. that doesn't really bother me. Some people don't like the fork on a plate. Yeah, that one doesn't bother me either. Yeah, that one doesn't bother me. But yeah, for whatever reason, the grooves of a record really, really get me. Makes your skin crawl. So what if you have that with cum?

Then it's not hot. The thing I don't get about cum is that's the end of everything. There doesn't need to be anything hot you do after the cum is out. Yeah. Then it's like the sexy time is over. That's like, that's the confetti cannon at the end of the party.

Everyone sort of. After that, you clean up and go home. Hobble jogs to the bathroom. Unless this guy is also, is like, if he can just eat his own cum and stare at it and be like,

this is hot, then he doesn't, he doesn't have a leg to stand on. Yeah. It's like, all right, if you can drink a vial of your own cum without gagging. Then it's fair to tell your girlfriend that it's hot when she does it. I wonder if you can rewire your brain.

Like, is there a hypnosis or a therapy I can do that would get me over my goosebumpery? Is there even a word for that feeling? The idea that someone does something that gives you goosebumps? Yeah, some sort of a hypnotism thing. Yeah, is there a way to rewire it? I got very, very familiar and internet with it and maybe looked at it under a microscope or something.

Yeah. But then also, I think that it's fine that you don't like that you just avoid it but when it's come well i think it's pretty easy to like the to me the solution here isn't like you better get used to his cum because it's going to be on you it's going to be around you the solution is like okay so just don't come directly in her line of vision that's like the solution isn't get her used to the cum. The solution is get the cum a little more low profile

in the relationship. Yeah. It doesn't need to be first and foremost. And if you... Front and center. It seems like this is the smallest problem you can have with someone. Like you get along with them, you're attracted.

They get along with your family. You have the same values. You have the same friends. You can get a like hangout for days in a row. And then if you could scroll all the way down to the list of attributes that your partner needs, the last one is, can they see my cum without gagging? And if everything else is fine... That's a deal breaker.

That's a non-starter. That's why I bring a little square of my cum in a napkin to every date that I go on. And I just sort of slide it across the table like I'm making them an offer. And then when they open up and I see how they react to it. That's why I've never been on a second date, folks. Because they've never, of course, they wouldn't appreciate that. They wouldn't appreciate the sight of your cum, date one. Of course. So the question is, how can I see his cum and not gag? It's fine that that's just,

you don't have to worry about that. It's fine that you do gag. It seems like one way to do it is to like get, like people get over phobias. I wonder if it's the same thing. Like you see it a bunch and you become desensitized to it. But she says she's seen it

thousands of times and it seems like it's not helping. I don't know. It's weird. Irrational fears or not even fears, but disgusting. What is it? Irrational reactions. Yeah. I guess like this would be a bigger problem if she was like, every time, like he has something wrong with his teeth and I always gag when I see his teeth or I hate his breath or, you know, something about his personality. Yeah, his posture. But this is such a small, it's such a small thing that I truly think you don't need to correct it.

Just try to avoid it. And if he's upset, tell him to fucking relax. Yeah. So what you're saying, it's not even a problem. Yeah. All right. Next question. Oh, this is an interesting one.

This one is from a human male. Oh, perfect. Tomas Birdic. I love Birdic. Tomas Birdic. That's my man. Right. I got onto the Tinder scene last year after a five-year relationship went south.

I had some solid success for a few months, but I've grown weary. Doing random hookups was fun for a while, but I'm kind of over fucking people I can't hold a conversation with afterwards. That being said, I'm not looking for a relationship either. Just someone who's cool with occasionally hanging out and hooking up, who I, God forbid, also enjoy talking to. Am I trying to eat and have this proverbial cake too? In my experience thus far, it seems like most either just want to fuck buddy or something more in their words. Is there a middle ground between these two?

Sorry. Is there a middle ground between the two just not plausible in an app dating world? Toda. Love, Tomas Birdik. Is there a middle ground between the two, just not plausible in an app dating world? Todah. Love, Tomas Birdik. Is there a third option? If one is like sex without being attracted to someone, and the other one is a relationship, this guy wants something in between the two. A casual relationship.

Yeah, a casual relationship. But is a casual relationship just what you call the first couple weeks of a relationship? I don't think you have to. I've definitely had casual relationships that last a bit. And it's known to not lead to anything? I mean, I think the only thing that leads to stuff is, like, exclusivity. That's when you become the boyfriend or the girlfriend. Or when you see each other so often that you don't even have time to do other stuff.

Right. That's why I always make sure that I'm never exclusive. Yeah. You want to slow down the relationship train like Spider-Man. Grind it to a halt. Just fucking holding back. Come on. Stop.

Stop. Do not gain momentum. Naughty little webs. Of deceit. Come on. Stop. Stop. Do not gain momentum. Naughty little webs. Of deceit. Lies. Lies. Anger. Dishonor.

But it's weird. Like, it seems like there is sex without emotional intimacy. I have that in relationships, too. I have that in relationships too. I have that in relationships too. And then there's everything else. There's like sleeping with someone you like that you want to see and you like hanging out with.

And if sometimes that evolves into a relationship, sometimes it doesn't. I think you can have sex with people that you like and you want to see. And it's like, you don't have to have casual sex with people you don't care about. You can have casual sex with people that you like and you just value your freedom and the, you know, the idea of having multiple partners and stuff.

Like, you can have both. So you're saying, he says, is the middle ground between the two just not plausible in an app dating world? How do you, do you, like, bring that up right away? right away like by the way i don't want to be in a relationship or do you just act in a way that shows that i always am in favor of not having a conversation not having a conversation and you show things with your actions uh so you act like a deceitful little imp child you'll be like, I can't hang out today. I'm going to a party. And they're like, okay.

But why shouldn't I be invited to the party? But then they sort of have an internal breakdown. They don't say that. Yeah, they're just wondering. They spend the night upset. Yeah, what's going on? And then they see pictures and Snapchats of you hanging out and having a great time. And then it's like, oh, why wasn't I invited to that?

I'm starting to feel like a diva ass for this yeah so i i guess i i know i think it is just about like being uh it's the pure heart rule all over again you just you you say you'd be honest you say i like hanging out with you i just don't want to be in a relationship and you know that doesn't have to be about the person it's just like i'm not ready i don't want to i don't want that in my life if you feel like that's what you need and i can't provide it then feel free to stop hanging out with me um that said i i'm a fan of having those conversations what usually when somebody brings it up i think it's weird to like be on a date and tell somebody i'm not trying to see you. Because it's just like, it's closing the door before it's-

Opened. Opened, yeah. Yeah. Might as well like let that person decide what they're looking for and then you acknowledge whether or not you can provide it. You want that or not. Yeah. I like to answer questions rather than like, after they're asked, rather than like, by

the by. Yeah. I don't know what you're thinking, but here's what I'm thinking. Yeah. It's like the difference of telling the truth versus just not lying. Like, wait, why didn't you lie to me? Like, I didn't lie. I just didn't bring it up. I didn't say anything. Yeah. How can I lie if I'm silent? uh i don't know like there are like pros and cons to both and it kind of depends on the other person uh it really does depend on like i mean if that person is you if you can clearly tell that that person is suffering and uh wants to be in a relationship

and you guys not being in a relationship is hurtful, but you like sleeping with them, then that's pretty clear that you're being an asshole. Yeah, but if she seems to not care, goes days without texting you and is hanging out with other people, and then it seems like this is a mutually agreed upon thing. Yeah, and if you feel like there needs to be a conversation, you can always have one. But it seems like if fuck buddies on one side and something more is in the other,

this middle ground isn't directly in between it seems like it's more towards something more than just a fuck buddy i guess yeah i guess so but that's fine like i think fuck buddy is i think that's a flawed premise i think that's a weird system to have you mean zero zero like i don't like anybody but i still need to fuck something, so it should be you. Just be a little better, and you can find somebody that you like, at least like a little bit, and like to fuck. You don't have to, just because you're horny doesn't mean you have to ruin a friendship. Oh, you think because it starts as a friendship? Yeah, it's like, ah, I can't get laid by anybody. Maybe we should just be fuck buddies.

But nobody ever, like, really is like, let's be fuck buddies but nobody ever like really is like let's be fuck buddies because i don't care about you it's always like one person giving up and another person being like i finally get to fuck my crush and it's i don't know it's just a bad idea you mean it's rarely like it's 1 30 a.m and one person texts the other one because they're drunk and horny and saying i don't i couldn't find anyone to sleep with. Do you want to hang out? And then that person feels the exact same way. Yeah. I mean, that happens. It's just lightning in a bottle. And I think that fuck buddy, I think that we can elevate ourselves to, if we're not looking for true love, at least look for something better than a fuck buddy.

And I think it's more popular or it's more possible now with the app-based dating because there's like such a richness of choices that you can find somebody that is looking for exactly what you want, which is like a casual relationship that's not fuck buddy but not relationship. How about this? He upgrades from apps to websites. Seems like there's more effort in like an OkCupid type site than a Tinder type site. So if you're investing a little more, it feels like the bottom rung is no longer fuck buddy, but this middle ground that he's looking for. I fear that the websites are a little bit too relationship forward. Yeah.

I think the apps are about sex and the websites are about relationships. So I used to avoid those things because then you're entering into a casual thing with somebody that you know is looking for a relationship. And I think that's a recipe for disaster. Maybe there's this, maybe the middle ground is where we should launch our system. Because Tinder is like, fuck, buddy. And OkCupid is like something more. What's in the middle of this casual? Yeah, it's whatever our dating app is. Yeah.

Which is, it's not even an app, it's a mobile site. So it doesn't exist on the internet and it doesn't exist as an app. You can only load the website from your phone. Smart. Somebody did hit me up and say that they would help us build a dating app. Right. But would it be swipey? I think it has to be swipey.

I think it absolutely has to be swipey. What if it's game-based like your snakes versus blocks game? Ooh, that's a good idea. So you're like avoiding people you don't like and then running into people that you do. And those are the balls. I guess there's,

what if it's instead of like swipey, it's like rank based so you have you have five people uh five pictures and you like drag one to the top one to the bottom one to the second like oh that's good oh like one through five yeah and like those five people have uh the rank things too they have yeah they have rankings. So it's almost like- You know, that's how residencies work. If you go to residency in America, you interview with like 30 places and then you submit your rank of like,

I want like UPenn number one, USC number two. And then they do the same thing and you match with the person. Do you only match if you put that school number one? No, because if your school put like your school, let's say your number one school is University of Pennsylvania. They put their top five. Yeah, right. I'm a Yale-y through and through. Okay, your top school is Yale.

Damn right. Okay. And then their five people all chose Yale. Then you don't get to go to Yale. Yes, I do. I'm legacy. Never mind. Let's go to break.

No, it's all good. They have to put you in their like top eight or how many people they have. And if they get their top choices, if they all chose Yale. But if one of them chose Harvard instead of Yale, then they go to, like, their ninth. And then it would be, like, you. So, like, there's this whole middle person that it's called Matching Day. It's, like, on St. Patrick's Day or something. And it sees where you matched.

And some people don't match anywhere. And some people matched with like three schools. Wow. But they only go to their best. So if it was like this, residency matching, but for dating. So you, like you said, rank your top five. And then girls are also ranking their top five. Right. And if you're somebody's number one, and they're your number one, you match and you find that out the next day that's pretty cool it's kind of like swiping but it's a little more gamey what i was thinking of was instead of seeing like you're standing before not the single girl but her five friends because you know it's like i know what kind of guy you would like before your friend does yeah so like if I'm single, I have five friends that are looking at girls and they choose based on who I am

because you guys know me better than I know myself. Right. So as a guy, you're basically, I don't know how it works. So girls, single people sign up, their friends have to sign up with them? I guess. Yeah, you would have to have, it would be your profile that we're swiping on, right?

Because it wouldn't be like pictures of me. What are you talking, and who am I in this situation? So you're the single guy. Yeah. And me and Billy and Marty and Jeff the dumbass. Okay. We create a profile for you. Yeah.

It would have to be pictures of you. Yeah. I guess the weird thing would be like four of us all swiping. I think it would have to be like just for one. Swiping for women. We talked about this before, I think, once. The Wingman app. So that's like rather than multiple people, it's just me.

Swiping for me. For you. Or were you saying that you were swiping for five single friends? No, the other way around. Okay, yeah. So I think it's got to be just one person, one single friend. Wingman app. Yeah, wingman, wingwoman.

All right. Well, the conversation continues. We'll do it someday, folks. Let's take a break. Thank a few more sponsors. We'll be back after this. And we're back. Montreal show is fast approaching. Insanely fast approaching. Do you know when those are? July 25th and 6th? I think that is correct.

We have our show on Tuesday. Yes. That's July 25th. Which is almost sold out. Yes, that's close to being sold out. And then we have the HeadGum Live. Yeah. Which, frankly, is going to be a better show. It's going to be an insane one. That's on the 26th. Yeah, me and you are hosting the HeadGum Live show. You're hosting Twinnovation.

Most in two shows, that show. Yeah, and then there's also Black Man Can't Jump. And who knows what other special guests will be there, because this is a gosh darn comedy festival. We know John Gabrus will be there, but we don't know who the fuck he's going to bring. And we're just going to try to get as many funny people onto the stage all at once.

So if you're around Montreal, and if you like comedy in general, this is just a fun weekend to be there. Yeah, you should definitely just go to this festival. Go to jaykinamir.com or ha-ha-ha.com. Great URL, JFL. Yeah, and come see us july 25th tuesday and then uh wednesday july 26th yeah and july 26th everybody why don't you come to rage because

i think we're gonna tear it up we're gonna tear up the town after that show because that's a wednesday and in montreal wednesdays are the new thursday really i didn't realize that so wednesday is thirsty thursday yeah so thirsty thursday is now sort of a low-key type night so like wacky Wednesdays are the new Thursday. Really? Mm-hmm. I didn't realize that. So Wednesday is Thirsty Thursday. Yeah. So Thirsty Thursday is now sort of a low-key type night. So like Wacky Wednesday is when people get like fucking turned up. Nice. And then you're hungover.

You're thirsty for water. Exactly. You're done fucked for Wednesday. And Friday, which actually used to take a dip because of Thirsty Thursday, is now back. That's a bit of a rage fest. Yeah. And then you're going to keep that going through Silly Saturday and Sunday Fun Day.

Absolutely. And then it's just another Manic Monday. That's when everyone's sad. Yeah, so they're sad. Because I did Molly on Sunday. Absolutely. It's a Suicide Monday, they call it. I also wanted to shout out today's HeadGum video,

which is doing really well. If you go to YouTube.com slash HeadGum video, which is doing really well. If you go to YouTube.com slash HeadGum, watch all the videos. But especially Jeffrey the Dumbass Noir was a great episode. Yeah, that was written by not Jeffrey, but George Saba. Jeff's friend and our intern, George Saba, wrote it. Edited by Jeffrey, starring Jeffrey. And Eagle shot it on his fancy cams. Yes. So it looks great. It's well-written, well-acted. You're wrote it. Edited by Jeffrey, starring Jeffrey. And Eagle shot it on his fancy cams. Yes.

So it looks great. It's well-written, well-acted. You're in it. Oh, yeah. I'm the worst part of it, but check it out anyway. Yeah, at youtube.com slash headgum. All right. Shall we get to answering some more questions?

I'm down if you are. Ah, fuck it. Awesome. It's on the show. First theme song was by Michelle, Sarah Daly, Michelle Daly. Oh, fuck it. Awesome. It's on the show. First theme song was by Michelle, Sarah Daly, Michelle Daly. Oh, your new foot issue. You have a new foot ailment. Of course. I always

have a new one. Yeah, so obviously your broken foot's been lingering for years. Then there was your turf toe, which started in February. Fully healed or not yet? No. Actually, that is, I don't think I have a new foot ailment. I thought you had a

ingrown toe. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. I do have, I have, yeah, never mind. My feet are fragile little glass people. So your ingrown toenail is out on the heel broken one or the turf toe foot? The turf toe foot. Got it. So the toe that got the turf toe

is now also has an ingrown toenail but that one that's gonna be fine i've had an ingrown toenail before and it all worked out yeah that one's not afraid of that what i'm what i am nervous about is the turf toe which has yet to go and that's been february so that'll be six months soon enough and everything i read about turf toe was like three to five weeks. The longest I saw was like maybe six, you know, but, and I,

and I'd done everything I was supposed to do for that one. I taped it. I iced it. I rested it. I didn't climb for, for months. Uh, didn't run.

Can't run because of the heel. So of course, uh, but I'm a little pissed. I'm a little pissed. I'm now, you're now starting to get mad at your feet. Yeah.

Like they're a different person or something. Right. It does not feel like they belong to me. Because they're so far away from your brain, it feels like different parts of your body. I'm thinking about getting that thing called Quell. They were almost an advertiser with us, but then they didn't. Is that when they surgically remove everything from the knee down and you get those blades? Yeah, that's cool.

Yeah. Wheels. That's that thing where you like tie, it's like that like copper shit or something on your calf. And it like messes with your brain signals to make you think that you're not injured. It like rewires your head. Is that like when like athletes are wearing black tape on like their shoulder and calf and you're like, what is that? I don't think so because that's just athletic tape got it all right well i'll keep you guys posted i'm all for it uh we need another tennis star's name male or female let's go male roger

fedra writes my name is roger federer i just graduated college at the ripe old age of 22. I met a great girl during my last semester of college, and we decided to move in together for the summer before she heads back for the upcoming fall semester since she has one more year remaining. My question is, we've always had the issue of me being too big down there when we get down and dirty. Oh, yeah.

I really have strong feelings for her. Yeah, and you got a strong cock, too. And probably the first girl I've been with where I genuinely mean it when I say I love you. Recently, she went to the doctor, and there's a tear that's been repeated since being with me, and her doc said to wait on sex for six weeks at least. Last night, I had to reject her coming on to me,

and honestly, I don't know what to do. Intimacy is incredibly important to me, and I don't want to be jerked for over a month if I know I got a sweet lady to please in the next room. If you were me, what would you fellas do? Should I truly wait and jerk in sadness or break up due to this limiting factor in our relationship? Any advice would help.

Thanks, big fan, you to you. Best, Roger. or break up due to this limiting factor in our relationship. Any advice would help. Thanks. Big fan. You do you. Best, Roger. You know that meatloaf song, I'll do anything for love, but I won't do that? Yeah. That's what he's talking about is jerk off for six weeks.

I will do anything for love, but I won't wait six weeks to fuck you again yeah six weeks that is a bridge too far yeah is it i'm this is the first time i ever said i love you and meant it but but damn six weeks is a long time yeah baby you know what this was i said love not lust i mean christ lifetime man but not me when you love someone you're willing to wait five, five and a half weeks tops for them to be ready. Top six, baby. God, what if her vagina is like your feet and six weeks becomes six months? Ooh, becomes six years. Suddenly you can't fuck anyone. You got to look out.

That must be tough if you actually love someone and then they're like, sorry, you can't fuck me. But you know what? You said you love me, which is kind of unconditional it means it's only six weeks it's not that long with time yeah and isn't there things she can do to you that you can't do to her yeah like he makes it sound like the only possible way to be intimate is either fucking her or i either fuck or i jerk off i wonder if she can masturbate the only issue a tear, which means it seems like she just can't, you know, put his massive member in her. Yeah. But perhaps she can masturbate and you can masturbate and you can feel some sort of.

They call that mutual masturbation, folks. And that's fine and that's good. Maybe if you have a nice, if you really relax, you could do a little like 69 action. That's probably the most intimate thing you can do, I think. Or you fucking edge yourself for a month and a half. Bring yourself to the brink of it day after day for 40 days straight. Look at how fucking sexy that will be when you finally get to fuck again after six weeks. And then you just literally explode like a water balloon, far too plump for this world.

I mean, just the slightest bit of give, a little bit of friction, and the whole thing goes kapow. Now that's hot. There's cum everywhere on the ceiling fan, on the walls. It's just like this question is gagging somewhere. She doesn't even know why. That's how much cum there is in the air. If you were me, what would you fellas do? I've suffered through this.

Really? Yeah. You've had to wait? I've had to wait. Care to share why or it's too personal of a story? It's a similar thing, a tear. Oh, really? Yeah.

And then it's just like, sorry? I'm holding off? Yeah. It's like, hey, we can't fuck for six weeks. Let's get a second opinion, babe. Who is this quack? Maybe the tear is just your vagina, because a lot of the times it is kind of a gash.

Jesus. What? I love you, babe. Jesus Christ. But it's fine. Six weeks goes by. It happens. There's no point in, like, making a little paper cut and fucking that.

A paper cut? Why don't you get a fleshlight? She can hold it near her vagina. Yeah. And then she like tears her thighs because it's like

the rubbing. You're fucking the fleshlight too hard. Alright, let's try to answer one last question because we found four good ones. Oh, did you just fart?

No. Okay. And how dare you accuse me of something like that um trying to find this one it was a goodie well take your time man yeah it's only a podcast right well this is a live show unfortunately what what been going really really poorly no not a single laugh from the peanut gallery. Oh, this one's interesting. It's just an ethical dilemma. Okay, ready? Yeah.

Let's call this person Patrick Rafter. Oh. The Raft, man. The Raft, man. So I've been dating a girl that I really like for the last 10 months. I'm not in the States this summer, but studying abroad. And I'm not great at checking my phone, so our communication has been rather fragmented. We were having a conversation the other day, and she seemed a bit nervous

and mentioned to me that she had something to tell me. She told me that she had made out with her best friend, who's a girl, on 4th of July and apologized, as if I was going to think it was cheating. Now she and some of her close friends had done this every so often before we started going out when they were drunk at parties and whatnot. We are both actors and are both very sexually free, so it's not unusual at all. And despite this, my girlfriend has never considered herself bisexual. Anyway, I told her it didn't count as cheating, and that I didn't really care, and she seemed a bit surprised. So I'm curious, and I assume you two have differing opinions on this, but would you consider this cheating?

After all, it is 2017, a person is a person, so in theory, shouldn't this count as if she kissed a guy? Either way, I probably won't change my mind on how I feel regardless of this specific case, but I'm curious what you two think. I think it fits nicely with some of the stuff you were discussing with Gabby and Allison. And before you start, Jake, assume it isn't a potential segue into a threesome. Love, Patrick Rafter. Uh, yeah, seems fine to me. Is it less cheating than if she made out with her male best friend?

I think so. Because. It's funny, we had Gabby on last week. Gabby and Allison just asked her a bunch of polyamory bisexual question. And now we're back to another one and we don't have her here. This girl doesn't provide the things or like doesn't satisfy the needs that she would get from the guy, right? Because it's a girl on girl. She did this other thing that's like pretty different.

I think I would feel more nervous if it was like somebody could just step right into my shoes. Right. And steal my girl. Well, what if this is like a recurring thing? Like what if she made out with her a bunch over the last 10 weeks while this guy was studying abroad? Would you rather a girlfriend make out with a girl over and over? Like, kind of like have this mini relationship or make out with one guy once? Oh, that's a good question.

And we'll answer it on next week's show. I don't know. Thanks for listening, everybody. This is crazy. Why would you end the podcast this way? I'm thinking of cliffhangers. What about, here's a, let me pause at another theory. Okay.

Is this a question? Yeah. If your girlfriend made out with another girl drunk at a party, they were like, they went into the bathroom and they made out for a little bit. Hot. they they were like they went into the bathroom and they made out for a little bit hot now conversely why it's too hot to handle uh conversely now they're on a beer pong table a hundred people cheering and egging them on and they they're making out. Which one is worse? This secret, intimate, I have to have you kiss, or a rush for everybody, we're performing, and everyone's chanting as we make out kiss?

I think I'd rather have the private moment. Yeah. Me too. Because that's only hot for two people. So my girlfriend is only... She's not turning on random other guys. Instead of like a hundred dudes with boners. All right.

One bathroom one, five beer pong ones, or 10 ones with a cousin who happens to be a guy and gay and ugly. I'll take the uggo. I'll take the ugly cousin for 10 hundred, Alex. You have to be ugly. And she breaks up with you. Deal. It is weird. Why do we think that making out with a girl is not cheating?

I guess. Or do you? Because this person, she says, like, she doesn't identify as gay or bisexual. It seems like it can never lead to a real relationship. But then it's like, okay, so if she is bisexual, then it is cheating. And if she makes out with a girl doesn't that kind of make her bisexual in some at least a little bit way i don't know it's all fine because it's all hot it all happened on a freaking beer pong table man it's

all fine because we're all specks of dust floating through space and time and it doesn't fucking matter because we'll all be dead and so will she and so will you and you're an actor who's sexually curious and diverse. And I want to kiss you too. You're talking directly to Patrick Rafter now. I just want to fucking

pull his ponytail back and have at it. Have you seen Patrick Rafter recently? Longer hair? No, completely bald, 210 pounds. Jesus, how do you know his exact weight? I'm just guessing. That would just be so sad. Patrick Rafter.

I mean, he probably was close to 210 pounds anyway. Yeah, he was pretty tall. If anything, that means he slimmed down. Oh, he did cut his hair. And he does kind of look bigger. But he looks kind of good, too. He kind of looks like a more handsome Mark Cuban. Interesting. Yeah.

I absolutely have to see this. I want to see some before and after photos. Oh, yeah, I could see that. He kind of looks like Matt Leinart. Yeah, he doesn't look like Mark Cuban to me. He's a little bit like Mark Paul Gosselaar. Oh, yeah. Do you like his hair shorter or longer?

Absolutely longer. He's the only one who can rock a ponytail, and that's preferable to anything else. I mean, he's got great hair, right? Yeah, dude, it's a fucking beast. And an awesome jaw. And a smile to melt my heart. And a fucking Australian accent in a serve and volley game that can melt hearts.

I mean, I'm serious. He's averaging 98 miles per hour on a second serve. And that's on ace rebound hard court down under melbourne style which tournament did he win did he win a tournament yeah dude i'll say 1999 wimbledon i think he won the u.s open really patrick rafter wikipedia shirtless really oh i was just saying. He did. He won the US Open twice. Twice? Yeah.

Damn. And here's a picture of him without a shirt. And my God, is he hot. Oh, I mean, he's good at tennis. The hottest sport there is. Could you play professional tennis shirtless? Like, is there a rule against that? Not at Wimbledon.

You have to wear all white. Yeah, but if you are white, how about at the French Open? You can wear whatever the hell you want. All right, here's another Patrick Rafter brain buster. All right. See if you can wrap your cock around this Rafter riddle. Where is he from?

I thought he was from Australia. Yeah, but there's a fucking, what town is he from? Adelaide. You think he's from Adelaide? I thought he was from Australia. Yeah, but there's a fucking... What town is he from? Adelaide. You think he's from Adelaide? I really do. I think he's from Sydney. Oh, I really do think he's from Adelaide, mate.

Oh. See if we're playing Patrick Rafter Jeopardy. He's from... Oh. He's from Australia. Of course, we knew that. But where specifically? How could you tell?

How do you know? And does it matter? It doesn't matter. You know what's sad? I think my favorite tennis player of all time is Andy Roddick. Really? Yeah. Oh, he was born in Mount Isa, Queensland.

I don't know where that is. And so we dig deeper. This is part of our other... We should have ended the show pre-Patrick Rafter. Of course. All right, one last question. Is Andy Roddick older or younger than me? Oh.

I would guess older by very little. That's correct. 36? He's four months older than me. Wow. Yeah. Good on Rod. All right.

Well, that's our tennis podcast and our advice podcast. Thanks so much for listening. If you guys have your own questions or theme songs, send it on down to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. So few of our fans will know who Patrick Raftery is. Well, that changed today because now nearly four of them know. Whoa, Mount Isa is so far away from anything I know of in Australia. How the hell did he even have a racket, let alone a court to play on? The opening theme song, remember, was

Madison Daly. My God, what a voice. This closing one is from Alex Capo. If you want to see us in Montreal, tickets are available at ifireashow.com or jacobnamir.com. Thanks for listening, everybody. We'll be back next week with

a fun guest for you. As long as that person doesn't cancel. We'll be back soon. See ya. Later. Bye. Well they've got poison in their tongues And their advice it cannot be undone

Smile and wave as they shoot you down And make you feel like you're the clown You got to hold on to that burden If that you will seize the cheese And forget your head And go with the flow.