Segments - 284: Jakes Moms Cookies

Episode Date: July 24, 2017

In this episode we talk about braces, blow jays, and being a creep. And also, Jake's Mom's Cookies.We're in Montreal for JFL this week! Get your tickets here.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Listen to my friends each week, oh Jake And Amir, I guess Jake's cool and smart and fun He talks about girls and drugs that he does

Amir is kinda smart too But mostly Jake on If I Were You. 80s Chic from Teddy Weeks. That's really cool, because that song built me up and it tore you down. Well, so this guy wrote two songs, one with an emphasis on you and the other an emphasis on me. When are you going to play yours? Because I fear that it might put me down, and I don't want to hear that. It's neat when it's good about me, but it's not that great

if it's not. Yeah. It's like tragedy is when I stub my toe and comedy is when you fall into an open manhole and die. Bitch. Yeah. Teddy Weeks wrote that. We'll play my version at the end of the episode, but I thought you needed that attaboy at the top to get yourself in character. I did. And I do. And I think we should actually play that same version to close the episode. Everybody, thanks for listening. Let's go. Right now?

Yeah. What a short episode. We'll do 22 minutes of ads. This guy came out with a record called We Can Go Anywhere by The Expanding Universe, and it's available on iTunes, Spotify, and SoundCloud. Oh. So there you go.

We Can Go Anywhere by The Expanding Universe. Thanks, Teddy. Cool. And thanks to you guys for listening. This is a rare Sunday episode of our show. Is this a suicide Sunday for you? No, I'm feeling good. Feeling lit.

Lit as AF? Yeah. You know, I went out last night, but I ate a lot of dinner. So I had a nice healthy base Oh so you didn't get too drunk Or too hungover No but I got two drinks and then one drink after dinner I think three is a nice amount

And then you go to sleep And you wake up and it's fine Yeah You're going to reach a point where it's like Wait a minute why did I always drink to get Trashed I always drink to get trashed? Yeah. I always drank too much on purpose.

It's weird, but you know what? I know that when we're in Canada, I'm going to do that not once, twice, but probably thrice. We are going to Canada this week. Yeah. So it's Sunday. We go to Canada tomorrow. Yeah, on Monday. So yeah, recording we're recording this on July 23rd. We leave on July 24th, and our show is Tuesday, July 25th. It might be sold out by now. Wow, that's baller, dude. And it might not be.

Awesome, too. Yeah. Hell yeah, at least we tried. What's not sold out is the Wednesday show. What? The Wednesday show. We've got a Head Dumb Live show on Wednesday. Are you crying?

What's that about? We got Twinnovation. We got Black Men Can't Jump. We have John Gabrus and who the fuck knows what mystery guest, but they'll probably be Dave Chappelle. And that's going to be us hosting. So we're going to introduce, we're going to be doing comedy in between the shows, and then you're going to be hosting Twinnovation. Yeah, I still don't have an idea. So if you're looking for a Wednesday show, in addition to the Tuesday show, tickets available

at jakeandamir.com, ifireeshow.com, and probably the Montreal Comedy, Just for Laughs Comedy Festival website. Ha ha ha dot com. Ha ha ha.

And real quick before we, I also want to mention two things. One, if you have a festival pass, you can get into Wednesday. Okay. You can get into Wednesday's show.

Okay. Two. Two. I was getting a lot of snaps from people that were like come to Toronto and we're not doing that this year we are not going to Toronto probably for another year sadly

but I don't know how long of a drive it is from Toronto T-Dot to MTL that's not that bad so I'll see you guys there on Wednesday you're gonna wanna leave now so you can get there tomorrow from Toronto, T-Dot to MTL. Nine and a half hours. That's not that bad. That's not that bad. So I'll see you guys there on Wednesday. You're going to want to leave now so you can get there tomorrow.

No, I think it's just a couple hours. All right. Well, fuck. So hopefully we'll see you there. All my Canadians, come out. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it.

Oui, oui, oui, oui. But as far as today, this is an advice show, an advice podcast. It's called If I Were You. It's the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake.

And people will email us ifirewishow at gmail.com. These people are in serious need of our help. They're in trouble. It's actually really, really in need of our help. Yeah. So why don't we try to answer a few questions and help some people out. There's a fun one today. It was a short and sweet one that

I posed on Twitter to see if we can get some insight. Did you see that? I saw that. I was, yes, and I couldn't see the results, so because you told me not to vote unless I was a girl. Yeah. Okay, so here we go. This is the question, just so we get into it. What do you want to call this guy? Braylock. That's guy? Braylock.

That's good. Braylock. From Black Man Can't Jump. Braylock writes, if I see a girl on a dating app that I know in real life, would it come across as creepy to track her down on other social media and send her a message there instead? Thanks. Love, Braylock.

It's a real simple question. Can you notice a girl on a dating app and then just slide right into her DMs? Right, because the whole point of matching on a dating app is like, oh, I win. Now I can message them. Right. Can you just bypass the match part and say, fuck it, I see her Instagram. Right. I can DM her on here.

She follows me on Twitter. That's fine. So real quick, there's a lot of nuance. There's like a lot of people post, well, if this, then what about this? What about this? But overall blanket statement I posed on Twitter, if one sees a girl on a dating app, would it come across as creepy to DM her on another social media app? And I told only women to vote. And right now there's 2000 votes. Not bad. And 70% said, yes, it's creepy. And 30% said, no, it's totally fine. All right. So there's the answer.

Yeah, well. I think there's a lot of gray area. Gray area. We should discuss the gray. So one of the grays is. If you know that person in the first place? Yeah, if you know that person in the first place. And somebody, some lady wrote, it depends on if she has her person in the first place yeah if you know that person in the first place and somebody some lady wrote

it depends on if she has her handle in the profile or you went and searched for her so if like on her tinder profile it's like hey add me on instagram and it has her name a lot of people integrate their instagram to their tinder so people can see their photos it doesn't mean that they want people to slide into their dms

that's true too if it's not a match, then it's creepy, writes Marita. Ooh, I would almost think it's more creepy if you match, they don't respond to you on Tinder and you're like, well, let's find out on Instagram. On the DMs. Yeah. Some people said you'd have to match a few times. Some people said it's happened to me and I've done it too. The best move is to follow and build up compliments, I think. So you don't DM right away to follow and build up compliments, I think. So you don't DM right away.

You follow, see if they follow back. Then you slide in. I think I would have said it's creepy if you say anything about the dating app. Like if you just like slide into somebody's DMs totally innocuously and you just use seeing them on a dating app to know that they're single. Like say you, you have a friend who you've always thought had a boyfriend or

something, but then you see her on Tinder and you don't necessarily want to swipe her right, because you're like, it'll be weird if we match. But then you, but you could theoretically just pursue another avenue of communication. So you don't even swipe. You just, you see, get that information. Yeah. I mean, I probably would have swiped, right? But I'm just like, I'm picking at all this, all the possibilities here. Here's an interesting answer from Noel.

It's usually creepy, but there's always a 0.01% chance that I accidentally rejected someone and they find me and I'm happy they did. And then I said, how often does this happen? What social media sites do they pursue you most often? And she said, Instagram, number one, either a follow or a DM or a Facebook message, which is creepier. Hmm. This is another segment or hell, even another podcast idea, but we become some sort of like social code experts we we use the the people who write into our podcast who experience all these dating things and we find we ask these age-old questions the follow-ups yeah and we live follow-ups. We get like a smattering, what's a scientific word for this? Sample size?

Yeah, sample size. We accumulate some data. Yeah. We let people know what the right answer is. We formulate a hypothesis and we test it. So this person specifically asked, if I see a girl on a dating app that I know in real life, would it come across as creepy to track her down and send her a message there instead? I feel like the answer is always, are you creepy?

Because I'm normal, so when I do it, it's okay. If you're hot and nice, it's good, and the ladies will like it. And if you're bad and creepy, they won't like it. Yeah, if you generally creep people out, creeps, you know who you are. If you're a creep, and this is how, if you know you're a creep, if you don't know if you're a creep, maybe you're a creep. Ooh. Yeah.

So, like, you know you're not a creep. And if someone's like, oh, I don't know if I am a creep. Am I a creep? Your nails are so long, Cyrus. If your name is Cyrus, for example, you're a creep.

Why does Facebook, I also heard that Facebook makes it creepier. Yeah. Because it's like a personal, it's like almost like finding them on a public listing page

rather than just their Instagram. I don't know why it is, but it's true. Maybe it's because like Facebook has so much information on it. So when you get a message on Facebook, you're like, wow, this is like, I don't know. It's almost like knocking on your door.

And then somebody talking to you on Instagram is like, that's sort of like a flirtation at a bar. That one's more normal. Have you ever done this? Back in the day, I would write Facebook messages, but this is pre-Instagram. But from a dating app? Oh, no. I wouldn't see somebody on a dating app and then

find... I don't even think I ever tried to follow someone on Instagram after seeing them on Tinder. I would not do this i think i followed somebody and i was like oh we didn't match i'll follow them and hope they notice me yeah but they didn't oftentimes the dating what the dating app is a good uh litmus test as to whether or not they're interested yeah i would i would definitely not dm or message someone i

didn't know after seeing them on a dating app that to me is creepy as fuck i would only do it if it was somebody that i had a relationship with already so you're you're ready to upgrade this to creepy af now now that i understand if that's like the way the question is phrased like saw someone on tinder then but they didn't match and he wants to like dm them on some form of social media I think that's too creepy Well the results, like we said earlier are in on Twitter and 70%

say creep, but 30% said it's fine and sometimes it says I accidentally rejected someone, they find me and I'm happy they did So even if there's a 70% chance of you being a creep, maybe it's fine because 3 out of 10 times it leads to an amazing relationship I don't trust the Twitter poll because I think some guys answered just to see what was what. Yeah, 30% all from dudes saying it's totally fine. Yeah, I bet that number is

higher if we actually... 18% from guys named Cyrus. Yep. Clicking with their very, very long filthy fingers. Somebody said it's only creepy if it's you. So that's... There you go. That hurts to hear. It goes along with my theory, are you a creep? Yeah. So yes.

Yeah, I'm trying to see if there's any other interesting... I've seen people's bios be like, DM me because I don't check the app. So that would be an example of when it's not creepy. Yeah. And I've also heard of people using Bumble or dating apps to just grow their Instagram numbers. Have you seen that? Oh, no.

Or it's like a lot of really attractive pictures like, hey, I don't check this app, but add me on Instagram. That's so funny. I should do that. Yeah, that makes a ton of sense. Yeah. I'll be like, hey, I don't check this app,

but come to our Montreal show. That's a smart that. Yeah, that makes a ton of sense. Yeah. I'll be like, hey, I don't check this out, but come to our Montreal show. That's a smart idea. Yeah. Well, is that flagged for... That's my Twinnovation pitch now, actually. Oh, that's good. Just using Tinder as mobile advertising. All right, let's switch gears a little bit and talk about female orthodontistry questions.

Of course. Female orthodontistry questions. Did you ever have a female orthodontist or orthodontistry questions of course female orthodontistry questions did you ever have a female orthodontist no my orthodontist's name was dr kim and it was a man oh that's good so let's call this lady kim cool dr kim writes brace yourself for a sticky situation nice i'm a 19 year old college student and i'm about to get braces in a few days I haven't been completely bummed about it Because a lot of people have been trying to reassure me That About them even though I'll have them on For at least two years

I just have one silly problem In addition to the braces I'll be getting an expander At the top of my mouth for about six months So I'm worried I won't be able to participate In oral sex I'm pretty much single, and I'm afraid this might be a deal breaker for some. Am I overreacting? I do like to give oral to guys. I'd appreciate any sort of advice. Thanks. P.S. Amir, you had braces, right? How

was that experience? Yeah, how was giving all those dudes a head? I actually didn't give any dudes head. Oh, yeah, right. You? What I would do is I'd put the little expander key on their cock. And every month when I had to crank it open a little bit, I'd give someone a head. I love it. Did you ever have an expander? Yeah, I did. That's so fucking archaic. I had that shit too.

I mean, is it archaic? I don't think people are still getting it. I know, but it seems so like medieval. It's like a metal plate. A torture device. It's a metal plate on the roof of your mouth, and every week or two, I guess my mom would just stick a little key in and give it a half turn, and it would slightly expand your teeth so subtly. But it would basically, it felt like someone was pushing your teeth, and your teeth would

be sore and hurt for a day or two after. Of course. I never had the key. My sister did. I think my orthodontist maybe like expanded it once or something. But that's what braces were too. You had braces on and then every month you would go and they would tighten it, right? Yep. Tighten it. And then also you would, you had the bands, the bands would like pull your jaw. Oh yeah. The bands that went from top to bottom. Jesus.

Is there no better way? Has science not figured out a way to move teeth instantly? Like a nose job up for your teeth? So it's like, we can give you braces for three years. I think they have. Or I can break your fucking mouth right now and reset all your teeth. It's like veneers. They grind all your teeth down and they put caps on everything.

No, I want them to remove all my teeth and put them back in in an orderly fashion. Yeah, maybe. I mean, I think that your teeth are connected to nerves and stuff. It's probably pretty hard. Yeah. But why do your teeth have to be connected to nerves? Maybe they should. But then you could just bite stuff without worrying about it hurting.

Have you ever heard of the braces that go on the inside of your mouth? Like, I think that's what some actors do. Well, people also do, like, the In the invisalign stuff that's a that's yeah but invisalign only works like uh for a minor adjustments i don't think they're like straight up braces gotcha braces are like metal wires that'll eventually move your teeth over years so painful yeah and then you go to the orthodontist you're like is this the day i'm gonna get it off is this the day i'm gonna get it off they like, let's go three more months. You're like, oh, I ruined my summer, doc.

Awesome. Thanks, man. The doctor doesn't care because he sees kids all the time. For you, it's a fucking death sentence. When I got my braces on, they like didn't put the wire in the top right away. They just put the brackets on. They were like, it's going to hurt your teeth too much because like they did the bottom bracket. And they were like, well, we're not going to put the wire in the top.

So I just had the fucking, the bracket stuff glued to my top teeth doing nothing for like, I don't know how long it was. It must have been a year and a half before the doctors were like, oh shit. I legit think it was like a month or maybe it was weeks, but like, it's weird. You don't really have a sense of time when you're 13. It's hard. It's a weird, tough thing. How long did you have your braces on for? I think three, or no, two and a half years maybe.

Eighth grade to like 10th-ish. I remember I like got my braces off and my license in the same month. I glowed up. Best month ever. It really Wow. I glowed up. Best month ever. It really was. I had braces late. I had like from 10th until right before college. This lady is 19 getting them.

So I never even thought about like sex stuff when I was having braces. Having braces in college is tough, but I think as creepy as this sounds, some dudes are like, think braces are cute. People are into it. Yeah. You said that once, right? Yeah. I'm creepy. I like braces. I think braces are cute people are into it yeah you said that once right yeah i'm creepy i like braces uh but the expander too would that ruin you know dome i'm uniquely equipped to answer this question because uh one of the first blow jobs i ever received was from somebody with an expander. Jesus. And I take six months

off. Take the time. It was grinding? Yeah. I had a... Little cheese grinder in her mouth? I had a cut afterwards. From the expander? Yeah. And I didn't know... It was like so early on in my blowjob time that I didn't know that it wasn't supposed

to hurt a little. I was like, I was like, yeah, it's pretty good. It hurt a little i was like it's i was like yeah it's pretty good it's a little painful but i liked it she grinded and grinded and graded the the roof of my dick yeah i went home and i like found dried blood on my jesus christ my underwear on my dick and it was maybe bueno i think they have little uh expansion packs for your expanders so you can put like a little um a little gummy palette at the top to like make head taste better. Can you really?

And then you could put like little other things like that. That sounds like a weird. That could be your twinnovation idea. So more teens can give each other oral. Expander packs. I also remember when my GrindGuard came, or not the GrindGuard, the expander came off, like all this old food fell off the roof of my mouth. Like a fucking muffin from six months earlier.

A mouse lands on your tongue and scurries off. It had built up in there. Back into my stomach. A bat had made a little attic house in the roof of your mouth? Insane. Am I just overreacting, writes this lady. She's adequately reacting? Yeah.

I really don't think you should blow anybody for six months. Wow. That's also what the orthodontist told her. That's fine. That's pretty long time. It's not that long of a time. Six months? Yeah. Yeah, that's fine. I's a pretty long time. It's like not that long of a time. Six months? Yeah.

Yeah, that's fine. I haven't, I mean, I haven't given head in much longer than that. Since you had your braces. Right. Braces are fine, right? Because they're on the outside of your teeth that don't get in the way.

You're right there. What if you like sort of mush your tongue against the top of your palate expander or the bottom of it? Can you blow someone that's under your tongue and then hitting the floor of your mouth? You probably wouldn't be able to get the dick very deep if it's under your tongue.

It goes back an inch or two. I mean, I'm sure the guy would like it fine. Sure, of course. If you lick someone's dick without putting it in your mouth, it's still pretty sweet. That's also what the orthodontist told me. Whoa, you are arresting me, which is fine. I get that a lot.

I deserve this. I'm not here for sex advice is all. All right. So take a little break. Don't worry. Some guys like braces. And you know what? It seems like a long time now, but you're going to have great teeth going forward.

It'll be much better in the long run. Remember to wear your retainer afterwards. Don't undo all the work. Which is what happened to you? Yeah, well, my dog ate my retainer, so it wasn't really like anything I could do. But you weren't rushing to get a new one. Well, it went two days.

That's as early as my orthodontist could see me. And then you got a new retainer? Yeah, I have a new retainer, but it is as crooked as my teeth are now, so there's not really a point in wearing it. You know what I mean? Wow, one of your teeth just fell out. All right, let's take a break. We'll be back with more questions and answers after this.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out.

But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and

some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny, I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z.

And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz. With a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments, segments, you save 10% off your first purchase, and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial.

Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've

been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. What's up? Your mom started a business. Yeah, my mom is a 21st century woman. And she hasn't paid for an advertisement, so we can't quite talk about what that business is. That's so... But we assure you, it is an interesting one, and if you do your due diligence, perhaps you can find what that business is. It's fucked up. And until I get cash from your mama, I won't hear another...

She actually promised us a percentage of sales. Proceed. Mrs. Hurwitz, you showed your hand. You've overplayed it, and underplayed it. What is it? What's the biz? My mother has made the best cookies in the world. I can attest to that.

As long as I have been alive and probably before. Yeah. And I recently implored her to start selling them. And she is going to from the domain name jakesmomscookies.gov. Blogspot. Dot org. Backslash. Cookie.

Bitly.cbz slash slash. No, it's just jakesmomscookies.com. Yeah. And if you live in America, you can order them. Which you should. Which you should. Which you should. Which you should. Which you should do. You can order my mother's cookies. She's going to bake you a batch lovingly and send them to you.

So up until now, the only way to eat Jake's mom's cookies was to know Jake personally, like I did. And I got to eat the cookies and they are the best cookies ever. They remain soft forever. And if you are lucky enough to eat them fresh, they're the best thing you've ever tasted. Yes. And I've actually, I've frozen them and microwaved them, and they hold up pretty dang good there, too. You can at least see the pictures of these cookies.

I mean, my God, they are thick, soft, and delicious. And oh so chewy and chocolatey. But now, best part yet, you can actually have Jake's mom make you cookies. Which is insane. And deliver them. And she'll deliver, send them to you overnight? Send them to you. Jesus.

This website looks great, by the way. It's a Squarespace. Did you make it? No, my sister did. Very good. Yeah. Her witzes are all very, very talented. Everybody but Micah.

Order a dozen of Jake's mom's cookies and they'll be perfectly packaged and delivered to your doorstep. What if we just sell like a thousand? Is your mom able to fulfill a thousand orders? I very much doubt it. I think she said she wanted to do a limited run. Okay. So we say there's a limited run. There's a, get them all you can. No, let's get it a thousand in. If she got,

if she gets a thousand orders, we'll figure something out. Yeah, man, if she gets a thousand orders, I'm going to be fucking rich with the rev split. Yeah.

90, 10. Yeah. In our favor. Mother, you should have never signed the podcasting agreement. Oh,

mother, we own everything. Oh, mother, we own your children. Rachel, Sarah, and Liza are my daughters now, mother. I have them pulled in hand over fist, mother. Samuel isn't just my daddy, He's my husband, mother. I've stolen everything from you, mother. Including the love for me, mother. Now no

one loves me more than I do. They're my cookies, mother. I'm now baking them, mother. Why is this happening? I don't know the recipe, mother. You're shoving me in the oven, mother. It burns. Oh know the recipe, mother. You're shoving me in the oven, mother. It burns. Oh, so good, mother. Jake is in the cookies.

Yes. So you can get them right now. Jake'smomscookies.com. Holy shit. I have a good feeling about this. I feel like how many, what's the most cookies your mom's made in one time? Like 100 for a bake sale or something? Probably.

I think she makes, I bet she's only ever made like 50 to 100 max, maybe for like a swim meet or a bake sale, yeah. We are about to put her to work. That'd be great. She, I, yeah, that'd be so dope. What if we could help my mom retire as a teacher and just be a fucking baker? Well, she sells 10,000 cookies a day. She'll be a millionaire in five years. That's not bad.

It's not bad at all. Cool. Well, maybe I'll order some because I do like them. That'd be nice. I'd appreciate it if you would support my mother. Do you want to say how much they cost?

$22.50. Wow. For a dozen. Did you decide on that price point? It's less than $2 a cookie? Yeah. You can charge more, you fool. I didn't decide on the price point. She did.

Change it. She's costing me profits, mother. The margins are too slim, mother. I'm afraid we're not maximizing revenue, mother. They're slender like my waist, mother. There's a pull quote from you. What did I say? I love these cookies almost as much as I love my mother herself, writes Jake Hurwitz.

You know me. That's saying a lot. These cookies look great. At the very least, go to the website, jakesmomscookies.com, and see how nice it looks. And then order some. I don't know. Send us a Snapchat or a tweet of you eating them. I bet you can win them for the website.

So at the very least, go order them and then promote it on social media? Yeah, if you can. At the very least. Damn, Daniel. These do look great. Karen Karen-ule. Karen Karen-ule. We should bring some to Montreal.

Oh, that's a solid idea. Did you remember to pack your passport? I have not packed yet, but I'm going to pack my passport for sure. What's the weather like in Montreal? I feel like I always enjoy it a lot. Yeah, it's like a little cooler than New York City. It doesn't get too hot. Temperate and sunny and nice.

Yeah, okay. So it's 130 there today and it's haate and sunny and nice. Yeah. Okay. So it's 130 there today and it's hailing. Tomorrow's low is four. Wow. Yeah. And that's a sleet. That's an ice rain. So this is like the... It's the asteroid from Armageddon weather scenario. It's bad. It's a nasty, nasty weather. And now that I pull it up, I was on Celsius. It's actually 412 Fahrenheit. I mean, it's the core of the earth. It's absolutely magma there. It is a little rainy, but on Tuesday, it should clear up. Cool.

Just in time for our show. Highs in the 70s, low in the 60s. I mean, that's just a really nice weather. Yeah, that's a nice long sleeve shirt weather. Oh, weather. Oh, you're making cookies weather. All right, should we try to answer some more questions? Yeah, I'm ready. We got to're making cookies weather. Oh. Alright, should we try to answer some more questions?

Yeah, I'm ready. We gotta get out of here. It's a Sunday after all. Dating app and braces we did. Oh, here's a... Do you want to answer something on crushing and something on Batman? Ooh. I guess... I'm curious. I want Batman. Okay. From another lady.

Let's call her Mother. Mother writes, I really like superheroes. Like, I'm really into superheroes. I get excited when new movies come out. I read the comics and I get into heated debates with close friends about who would win or lose fights. But here's the problem. I met a guy and he's actually nice and intelligent

enough that I don't hate everything. There's actually only one problem. He's really into Batman. And I hate Batman with a passion. He's easily the worst superhero in my opinion because if you take away his money, what do you have? A bitch in a bat suit. If you weren't bit by a radioactive spider or hit with lightning that contains the speed force, I can't take you seriously as a superhero. Of course, this is just my opinion. But when I speed force, I can't take you seriously as a superhero. Of course, this is just my opinion, but when I told him that I didn't really like Batman, he kind of brushed it off and said, that's just because you don't know a lot about it. I had not told him about my obsession because my family said it was weird and I didn't want to scare him away. So should I correct him and tell him that I actually do know a lot about it

because I've liked superheroes since elementary school? Or should I just keep lying so he thinks that he's teaching me something, especially since I probably know more than him? Any advice is helpful. Love, mother. Mother, don't let him mansplain superheroes to you. I say you keep your trap shut and pretend he's telling you the things for the first time. Don't be yourself. Be his.

Hoorah! You'll never have a husband if you belittle him. By saying that, you know, shit. Yeah, I think that's the root of the problem, not the Batman issue, is the fact that you're hiding your true self from this guy. Do you like Batman? Yeah, I like Batman. I don't think he's the strongest superhero because

obviously he's not but you gotta i i feel like you can definitely i don't think she should be writing off batman as like completely worthless i think you can i mean debate it with the guy if you have a heated debate with your friends then you should have one with this dude maybe he'll change your mind. I think Batman you take away his money and you have a man who really cares about justice. And I think that's a pretty noble fucking thing. I feel like he's not

a superhero. It seems like he's just a hero in a suit. Like if I was in a bad suit would I be good? A suitor hero. Yeah, I mean he's a hero. I don't think, maybe he's not a superhero. This is the debate you should be having with him. You should tell him what you really like and how much you really like

and maybe he can learn more about you and maybe he can learn more about Batman. I actually asked my friend who's a huge comic book nerd if Batman is not really liked by super nerds like this girl or if that's an unpopular opinion. And he said that if anything, nerds go out of their way to defend Batman too much. Super nerds love Batman.

Yeah, I thought that Superman is too easy. He just can't be killed except for by a weird little rock. Yeah, what if you got on the rock and you're fucked? He's the strongest, fastest, he can fly, shoot lasers, be invisible. Didn't he reverse time once? Yep, he made the Earth spin the other way and he reversed time. That seems like an easy way out. That seems like it's not good writing.

A little deus ex machina right there. Yeah, it's like inserting something that you can just, oh, by the way, he can reverse time. So that's what he can do too. Batman is maybe a little bit more nuanced. It makes it a little more accessible because he's a normal person. Yeah, he can die. He's got a secret identity, which is kind of fun.

So why does all of them do? Yeah, all right. So two issues. One, Batman's fine. And two, you are fine to tell your boyfriend that you love superheroes. Yeah, I think you should enter the debate with an open mind.

That's my one caveat. Did you ever say Batman versus Superman? I did. Who won? I'll tell you who won. Not the audience. We lost. It was awful.

I saw it three times. I must have lost 60 bucks at the box office. I mean, I think Lex Luthor won. I believe, and honestly, I think Lex Luthor won. I believe, and I honestly, I watched it, and I can't remember, but I'm pretty positive. Well, I know that Batman won because Superman's dead. Yeah. But then, like, Batman didn't really win because he was duped into thinking Superman was evil.

Yeah. Killed him. Fucking whatever. It was so bad. It was so bad. I feel like any superhero movie can be great or bad depending on who writes it. Yeah. I don't love Batman,

but I love the Christopher Nolan Batmans. Right. For the most part, every action movie now is dope because the action scenes are so real and awesome. Yeah. So you really, you make it or break it with the writing. You're kind of an action movie connoisseur in that you watch as many as possible.

What would you say is the best and the worst? The best? Probably the Christopher Nolan Batman. Like the Dark Knight, I don't think anything beats. The Avengers is more fun and I really like that. Right. Did you like Guardians of the Galaxy? Yeah, the writing on that's really fun too.

Yeah. But I usually like a grittier movie. Did you like Deadpool? Yeah, I liked Deadpool a lot. The worst one? The worst? Suicide Squad. Jonah Hex.

Assassin's Creed. Oh, what's that one with Channing Tatum and Mila Kunis? I really want, I see them all. They're fucking. You almost walked off the plane during one. It was so bad. I saw you try to tug. That was November, man.

Yeah, I was trying to tug at the emergency exit row. Just desperately trying to get the door open. Let me off of this plane. I've had enough. All right, let's try to answer another question before we get the F-O. This one's right up your alley. Oh. I'm a 24-year-old guy.

Perfect, just like me. What about your brother? Oh, he did just turn 24. Even better. Micah writes, I'm a 24- old guy Perfect, just like me What about your brother? Oh, he did just turn 24, even better Micah writes, I'm a 24 year old guy and I got a bit of a problem on my hands I'm currently in a relationship with an amazing girl For about a year and a half now It's the first time I've ever found someone That has every quality I look for in a person

She's smart, beautiful, funny And we have many in-depth conversations And a great sex life However, my problem is that I wind up getting some feelings for every attractive girl I meet. I remember hearing Jake say once that he imagines a life together with every girl he meets. I feel like that and I have the same problem.

I don't ever cheat on my girlfriend, but when I'm crushing on other girls, I feel like I'm emotionally cheating on her. It's to the point where I feel like I can't even be friends with other girls because I feel like I'm cheating. This happens to me every long-term relationship, but I really want to make this one work since she's perfect for me. How do I stop having crushes on every girl? Am I an asshole? Is this a more common thing that I think? Or are some people just not built for monogamy? Help. It's a heavy one to end the show on. Yeah.

I remember one thing you said to me when there was a girl that I really liked and let's call her Maya. Because that was her name. Yeah. And I was like, shit, I should just like, I should go out with Maya. She's everything, like she's perfect. And you were like, Maya's problem

is that she's not 12 other girls. Okay. And that really resonated with me. And it made me realize like, even though somebody is that she's not 12 other girls. Okay. And that really resonated with me. And it made me realize, like, even though somebody's perfect for me, doesn't mean they're perfect for me right now. I see. So I stayed single for a little while. Oh, because maybe this guy is too young to settle down. I think it sounds like your heart's still racing, man.

And just because you found somebody that's really great Doesn't mean that they're right for you In this moment Especially if you're feeling guilty Because you can't stop having feelings For so many people Maybe you gotta treat it like a buffet Like you're starving You're like just give me all the food

I want it all And then eventually you'll become so sick of eating You're like all I really want is one good meal And that's when you go back to this person. With your tail between your legs and you beg her for another chance. She's already fucking engaged to a guy who was already emotionally ready for her at age 24. Or hell, she might be enjoying the buffet. And that's fine too, because sometimes you're at a Vegas buffet and sometimes you're at

chicken pot pie. Yeah. If you can eat sensibly at the buffet, you could do that the rest of your goddamn life. But me, I got eyes bigger than my stomach and I want the pot pie. Yeah, if you can eat sensibly at the buffet, you could do that the rest of your goddamn life. But me, I got eyes bigger than my stomach. And I want the pot pie. I want the pancakes. I want the eggs. And I want the cheese.

You're just thinking about food now, right? What do you say to do for this dude? It seems like you can't stop crushing on girls. You can't convince crushing on girls. You can't say, you can't convince yourself not to crush. But maybe he is at a point in his life that he's not ready to settle down. Maybe he's gotta just, you know, indulge

himself in these crushes. I actually don't know, we don't know here if he if he's able to get the girls or if he just crushes on them. What if it's an unattractive dude and he actually found someone and he's like, get the girls or if he just crushes on them. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. What if it's an unattractive dude and he actually found someone? He's like, I keep having crushes on other girls,

but it's not like he'll end up hooking up with any of them. That's interesting. Well, he should still, I feel like he should still see it through. Yeah. It is hard to tell a 24-year-old who has crushes on every girl to settle down

because that's not going to happen. Yeah. I think when you're 24, it's okay if you're not ready to settle down. Yeah. It's okay ever if you're not ready to settle down, to happen. Yeah. I think when you're 24, it's okay if you're not ready to settle down. Yeah. It's okay ever if you're not ready to settle down, especially now. Yeah, but I wonder if there's a way to convince your brain not to have crushes on people.

Is that like a therapy thing? We keep talking about therapy. Can a therapist tell you not to have crushes? Or would a therapist say to let your – there's a Mary Oliver poem, and one of the lines in it is, let the soft animal of your heart love what it loves i think that's the line let the soft animal but can't you change your heart if your heart is ultimately destroying you uh mary oliver yeah well mary oliver was much more wholesome i think she's talking about like nature rather than fucking lots of people. Oh, wow.

I just matched with Mary Oliver. Is she alive still? I think every poet is dead. That's interesting. How fucked up is that? I think Mary Oliver is still alive. Good for her. Yeah, she's still got it.

So maybe Jake is right. Maybe you're not ready for this monogamy thing. Not that you're not built for it, but you're not ready for it now. Let the soft animal of your body. Sorry to interrupt. Soft animal of your body, love what it loves. Yeah. Okay.

Sorry. The soft animal of your body. She's saying that this guy's not ripped or anything? That he's a little fucking teddy bear? I think so. I think Mary Oliver needs a fucking stud. Yeah, well, she died in 2009. I'm so fucking sorry to hear that.

No, she's alive. That's amazing. She's 81. Good for Mary! And you know what? She's a fox to me. So you're not an asshole. It is a common thing.

Some people not built for monogamy. Maybe some people are not. Remember we had Gabby Dunn on recently. She said she's not built for monogamy. It's totally possible to not be built for monogamy. Maybe some people are not. Remember we had Gabby Dunn on recently. She said she's not built for monogamy. It's totally possible to not be built for monogamy. Maybe there's a polyamory. I think there's a girl someday that's going to really make you turn it off.

Yeah, a lady that's so good, she's better than having crushes. And it might be this girl, but it just might be in four years. Well, who knows? Let us know. Keep us posted. Let the soft animal of your body love what it loves what else did you

have to thank before we got the F out we gotta thank the Toppo boy for sending us some sweet swag you had a Toppo shirt

in an Instagram post recently I got mad Toppo shirts I love Toppo I'm wearing Toppo shorts right now and they made a little unique URL for us

yeah I don't know if it actually tracks anything but you guys could check out Toppo because it's just stuff that we wear. Do you know the URL? They sent us backpacks. Toppo Designs T-O-P-O Designs

dot com slash if I were you. So if you go to Toppo Designs dot com slash if I were you, you can check out what they have. It's like an outdoor adventure clothing and accessory site. Yeah, dude. It's like an outdoor adventure clothing and accessory site. Yeah, dude. It's like mountain meets urban, classic meets modern, outdoor, fashion, lifetime warranty. Shout out to John.

Thanks for the backpacks, boss. Keep the shirts coming. Keep the shorts coming. Hell, I need a bathing suit and I want a hat. I want a knife and a fucking short. I really want a kayak and a hog. I want a tent and a lunchbox and a hammock and a slap on the ass, John. I want a pail and a vest, bitch. Oh, he no longer is sending us anything.

Of course. They took down the URL. Nor do we deserve it. I want a fleece and a kiss on the fucking palate expander. Ya bish. Alright, this has been a fun week. We're going to be in Montreal. I don't know what else to say. Starting tomorrow.

AKA today, if you're listening to this. America was nice. We're going to give Canada a try. And we're coming with a lot of our friends. So check us out there. And if you live far, far away, hell, we'll be back on the podcast as always every Monday.

Todah for listening. If you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions, send them all over to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Ooh, Teddy Weeks

opened us up with a Jake-themed theme song and he's going to close it with an Amir-themed theme song. Thanks to Teddy. Thanks to everybody

for writing in. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back soon. theme song. Thanks to Teddy. Thanks to everybody for writing in. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back soon. Toda au revoir, as they say in Montreal. We'll see you next week. Bonjour. Bonjour. Jake and Amir, but mostly Amir Who does all the hard stuff that lets us all hear

The wonderful podcast he's in Called If I Were You, with Amir Open your mind and open your ears To the sagely wisdom to which we adhere From only Amir, from jake you should only take a mirrors and thomas middle ditches that was a hateGum Podcast.