Segments - 287: Hypnosis (w/ Brian McElhaney & Nick Kocher AKA BriTANicK!)

Episode Date: August 14, 2017

Fellow comedy duo, BriTANicK joins us to discuss olives, little sisters, the Mario Bros.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Four dudes kissing Four dudes kissing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Usually when you auto-tune something, it sounds better, right? Yeah, he auto-tuned it backwards. That was Don Keanian. Setting a very strange tone. Sorry, that was who? Don Keanian. I think he... We have to hunt him.

He told me how to pronounce it because his last name looks like Keanian, but it's not. It's Keanian. Don Keanian. Don Keanian. That's a cool name. Yeah. Weird song, cool name. It was called Four Dudes Kissing, so I thought it was appropriate because right now we're

four dudes talking to each other. Oh, we're live. Yeah. Oh yeah, we're live. This is it. Brian and Nick. Brian, Britannic. That's right. Two internet duos. That's right. Oh my god, yes. A fight to the death. From the 2008's

that specific era. We should swing. We should swing, man. Is that crazy? Oh yeah. Who would switch? I don't know. You used to have glasses and now you don't, right? I don't really wear my glasses anymore, no. Is that crazy? Oh, yeah. Who would switch? I don't know. You used to have glasses, and now you don't, right? I don't really wear my glasses anymore, no. Right, so now you're the only loser. What if we swing and we're a thruple, and I'm a solo career guy?

You're like slightly taller, less Jewish versions of me and Jake. That's what people say when they meet us. Yeah, that's what... And us, too. They're like, you're, like, more Jewish Britannic. We met back in the day in New York, comedy writers, actors. Yeah, yeah. How would you define yourselves?

If people, for whatever reason, don't know. Listen to our show for the first time. Director, actor, writer. I just say writer. That's good. I'm not saying that. Yeah, I just say plumber now. That's great. You just went in totally opposite directions. I zig say writer. That's good. I just say plumber now. That's great. You just went

in a totally opposite direction. I zig where other people zag. You guys are now in New York working for SNL. We only get you for the summers in LA. The summers are weird off weeks we sometimes have. Oh, you guys fly back? Sometimes.

Where's home base? New York or nowhere? It's kind of both right now. I feel like when I was 21, I was like, I want to be a fucking jet setter. I want to fly to both coasts and live in both places. And now I'm like so exhausted. No shit. Talk me out of it because that's what I wanted. Yeah, right.

Can we say fuck on this podcast? Absolutely not. We'll bleep it out. We'll turn it into cunt every time. He goes there. Sorry. We should bleep mine though. We'll turn it into cunt every time. He goes there. Sorry. We should bleep mine, though, right? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, do you guys consider yourself L.A., New Yorkers, literally 50-50? I guess because we moved out here to L.A. like three and a half years ago after living in New York for a decade. And we were like, we live in L.A. now. We've got houses. We've got everything. We were here for like two and a half years. And, you know, like the move from New York to LA is normally pretty permanent unless, you know, SNL comes calling,

which is a very rare shot. And of course that happens. So we go back to New York. And then, so now it's like, we were like, well, we'll see if we're gonna work there for a second year. And now we are. So it's like, I don't know.

Yeah, now you're back to being in New York, right? I think so. It's different. It can never leave you. It's in your blood. it's in your blood it's in your blood if you retire do you have a preference i think los angeles i think for sure i think it'd be really hard to like have a family in new york right like i i don't know unless you're low you have to be a billionaire you have to be really really rich like uh what was that guy? Oh, Trump had, like, his whole shit. Trump's name? Yeah, Trump had, like, he was in Manhattan for a bit, right? Of course. Yeah, he was probably, like, a three-bedroom on the Upper East. It's about, like, the one main fact about Donald Trump.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what do you mean for a bit? He was born and raised in New York. I thought he was, like, a Brooklynite. But, yeah, he was in Williamsburg for a bit. No, he wasn't. He has a family. No, man.

Didn't he have a family in Manhattan? There's the a family. Didn't he have a family in Manhattan? Did he have a family in Manhattan? What's his name? The junior? Fred's father? Yeah, Fred. Fred Donald. If you know the last part's a junior, then you should know the first part's his. Donald, Trump, and something junior.

Do you know he is president now? It seems like you have a very light grasp on it. Yeah, the more I said his name, I'm like, I fucking know this. Like, why is he in the news now? It's like every day he's doing something. Every day he's hustling. It's president.

It's a president. But we're not here to talk about politics, guys. Of course. We can't. Legally, we're not here to talk about politics. We're here to talk about giving people advice. Great. This show is called

If I Were You. It's basically just us dispensing wisdom. People write in. Sometimes they need four people's advice. So this is going to be, we're going to give people

basically double advice at this point. Let's do it. Great. What a good deal for them. All free. The caveat is that we need some fake names

to preserve these people's anonymities because I don't want to rat them out. So do you have a fake guy's name? Brian. Gruffethan. I love it. Gruffethan.

He's friends with Don Keanian, right? For sure. They heist together. Gruffethan? Gruffethan? How do we always say it? I don't know why you're looking to me. Yeah. How do you always say it? I don't know why you're looking to me. How do you always say it?

I mean, I think that sounds right. That sounds like a solid... Griffethan. Griffethan. Right. I'm going on vacation to my dad's rather large house with my wife, who is pregnant, and my three-year-old child. My sister, who's 21 and acts like she's 12, also randomly decided to visit my dad in the exact same time frame as our scheduled vacation.

Now we're in a real slimy pickle. There's a very spacious guest house that my wife and I were planning on using for our entire stay, but this little bitch beat us down there and claimed the entire fucking layout. Now she's a single little twat. Those are his words.

I would never. You are reading them like you enjoy it, though. I did ad-lib that word. Now she's a single little twat. While I have a family of three that needs the space, I've asked my dad to intervene, but he refuses to ever hurt his little girl. The only other room that's available

is a tiny little guest room with a queen-size bed, which is pushing it with all three of us, wife being pregnant, crammed inside. I feel like I only have two options, say fuck it

and go spend even more money on this dumbass vacation and get a hotel or kick this little shit stain out of the room that is rightfully mine via birthright, Big Brother style.

What are your thoughts? Am I overreacting or should I prepare for battle? Thanks a lot, guys. Also, shout out to my friend Drew. I was hoping Drew would get that shout out. Right off the bat, I'm unclear on the ages of everyone

here because I thought, oh, this is a young girl. I need to build a labyrinth in my mind to put that together. Sister's 21, he's 9. My dumb little sister, my pregnant wife and child. It's funny that this father of one, soon to be two, is acting like a petulant 16-year-old. I was going to say, my first thing is family therapy. You've got to get right with your citizen. Maybe your dad, too. I'm not sure. There's a lot going on here. I totally take the dude's side

You guys don't? Well, in what way? This girl's being a bitch The situation is, he's visiting his dad I got distracted by the twat Nick got distracted by the twat Let it be known His language could be

It's a little harsh And the fact that he's mad And writing in a podcast is very odd for an adult. So they're on vacation? Mm-hmm. It should be a vacation. Yeah, but it sounds like it. High strokes. Visiting the father.

All right. And where, do we know where it is? Nova Scotia. Yeah, I was going to guess Nova Scotia. Yeah, I was thinking Nova Scotia. Nova Scotia, right. Sister, sister, basically. Took the big guest house. Took Scotia, right. Sister basically... Took the big guest house.

Took the big guest house. I mean, that's insane to me. It seems like... She took the whole house. It seems like the dad should be like, you shouldn't stay there. Do you guys have younger siblings, older siblings? Yeah, I've got a younger brother

who's six years younger. But he's also bigger and stronger than you, right? No. Yeah, he is I feel like I saw I saw a YouTube video of him playing ultimate frisbee

he was like on a he had a top 10 thing yes yes no you're right he's more athletic but he's not bigger than me he is he's just stronger

and faster he's I will give you maybe faster maybe faster what are you what are you talking about he trains every day

he's not stronger than me I've never seen you run in my life. I run every day. You jog. Yes, correct. That's not running. He sprints. I mean, I'm just saying I'm taller than him.

My legs are longer. I'm a weird spider creature, and I can move much quicker than you might expect. Is he professional? He's essentially at the top of his field, but his field is Ultimate Frisbee. So, if I wanted to be

at the top of Ultimate Frisbee, I imagine I could as well. And I'm at the top of comedy. Yes. I'm at the, like,

third tier of comedy. You're talking like a real older brother. But at least people have heard of it. Yes, he is. Yeah. Do you have a, are you close with this guy, your brother, or do you actually dislike him?

Yeah, no, we're close. Okay, there's love there. But, so when, well, I've been on vacations with, like, my family and him, obviously, and then, like, my girlfriend at the time, and in that situation. Now fiance. Nope. Oh, sorry, I broke it down. Whoa, cut that out. now someone else's fiance and on those situations my girlfriend and i would get the master bedroom because my parents are

divorced but we still all vacation together that's kind of cool so like they all get the shit beds and i and and it's just fully understood that I'll have the nicest room. Because you still have love in your life. You get the master bedroom. I don't anymore. I've got to get a new girlfriend if I want that sweet, sweet master bedroom. So the master bedroom is just for any loved one. Would you have siblings?

I do. I have an older sister, but I have a very interesting kind of family dynamic because my sister has cerebral palsy, so she lives with my parents. So I'm a young... Where is this? This is in Atlanta. Okay.

Where we both grew up. Oh, right. So I am the younger sibling, but in many ways, it's kind of like I'm an older sibling. I see. And in many ways, it's like I'm an only sibling. Like, there's a lot of, like, ways in which the dynamic of how we interact is. So... So nothing like this has ever happened.

So you can't really imagine her being a twat or something. Right, never. You have younger sisters. And they're actually, but I have triplet younger sisters. Three of them. So when it comes to bedroom stuff, the triplets usually get the best room

because they need to all share it. They need to all be in share it. They need to all be in bed together. They need to? Well, they don't need, well, we don't often go on vacations

in places with eight bedrooms or something. You know triplets. They all have to sleep in the same bed. They sleep in the same bed. The triplets slept

in the same bed until they were 16. And they sleep in a triangle like some sort of MC Fisher. Wait, truly triplets? Yeah.

Oh my God. In the same bed. That feels like a fairy tale. It would. were 16 and they sleep in a triangle like some sort of end wait truly triplets yeah oh my god in the same bed that feels like like a a fairy tale it was it was we lived in a moss covered it's like head to toe and the head is reversed for the middle one you know i'm talking about oh that's how i see it it was they were just in a king-size bed and that's still how they sleep when we go on vacation uh some of them have boyfriends now so like if the boyfriends are there they're in the bed they sleep in the bed too my whole family goes on on vacation? Some of them have boyfriends now, so if the boyfriends are there, they're in the bed too. They sleep in the bed too. My whole family goes on vacation, one giant bed,

Willy Wonka style. Identical triplets. Not identical. Oh, fraternal triplets. Fraternal triplets. I don't know if I've ever seen that before. It's weird. They all look like sisters, and they all look the same age, but they don't look like triplets. Yeah, I would say they don't even look the same age.

Really? Like Rachel and Liza seem like they're four years apart. Really? Amir talks about this all the time. Yeah, I can't help but think of their ages. What age would you say aren't triplets and this is a long con they've been playing on you? They are younger than me, so they'd have to start. They started when they were zero and I was three,

lying to me. Yeah, you could probably lie to a four-year-old forever and he would never know. At what age do you think you're smart enough to figure it out? I think I still probably believe some lies that were told to me when I was four. That your parents just sort of forgot? Yeah. Oh, definitely. Yeah, I didn't know the name of my dad's law firm until I was 17.

Yeah, man, that classic. There were too many names, so they gave me a Nick one. They told you it was Dewey, Dewey, and Fart, and you thought that until late, late high school. Dewey, screw him, and how? Nice. Yeah, baby. What are we telling this guy?

Talk to your daddy. Relax. It's just a younger sister. Your sister should be grateful to let your family stay there. Remove her by force from the guest house. I think so, too. You pick her up over your shoulder, fucking not big brother, but dad style.

There's a pregnant woman involved? Yeah. The pregnant woman goes in and says, pregnant, get out. You've got to fight for your family. I kind of have a feeling this will work out when they show up. I mean, I guess I don't know his sister.

Maybe she's really a twat. She has to be a real ass. I will say this guy sounds like he's gonna come in real hot to this vacation. Try to kill him with kindness. I think you should, I always like, when I'm in a situation like this,

I lay everything out. Like I don't say like, you need to get out of this house right now. Yeah. I would say, you see that my wife is pregnant. You see I'm holding a toddler.

You see that this room is very, very small. Thoughts? What do you think about that? How do you think this should work? Are you the good guy in this situation? You, like, lay everything out, and you're like, let's discuss the best scenario for my family and you solo. Yeah.

Do you get the house and I get the guest room? She starts, like, smoking a cigarette, and she's like, I don't give a shit what you think. I think if that happens, then you just, like, plop the three-year-old down and you're like you're gonna stay with uh aunt witch here oh that's good did you think about aunt witch did i think about it yeah uh only as i as i said it that's good it was pretty perfect so i can understand how you thought i thought of it a long time ago i'm actually i could eat an aunt witch for for lunch today that's good yeah so it's two pieces of bread of course course, because it is an auntwich. And then the insides, of course, being...

Your aunt. Yeah. Or aunts. That's right. Pronounced aunt for no reason. Yeah, pronounced aunt because of your speech impediment. All right, we got another question from a lady. Real quick, first shout out to Drew.

Of course, shout out to Drew. Shout out to Drew. Shout out to Drew. Big ups to Drew. Do you have a lady's name, Nick, that we can call this lady? Yes. Lisa Sandwich. All right. Lisa Sandwich.

A regular sandwich, not not one. Related to the Earl of Sandwich, no doubt. Lisa Sandwich writes, I'm a 30... It's not a woman at all. Uh-oh. It's a gay male. Last name could... It's not a woman at all. Uh-oh. It's a gay male. Last name could... Wow, that's offensive.

Yeah. I didn't think that until I read it. Why did you think it was a woman? Because it comes... I'm homophobic, for one. And then two, the name that says from this person's name, and it's a woman's name. I don't know if he's writing from his female friend's account. Well, sometimes there are women's names, like Ashley is also a, can be.

Yeah, but it's not that. It basically says Laura, but then it says, thanks guys, love, and then a guy's name. I see. Mm-hmm. You have a gay 30-year-old male name? Now anything he says is going to be a Colin pizza. Colin pizza writes, I'm a 30-year-old gay male, and I'm currently renovating a house. I need a lot of subcontractors, plumbers, electricians, who I talk to on a regular basis.

One electrician in particular spent a lot more time with me discussing the project, which I found to be very helpful. I also happened to find this guy very attractive. He followed me up by sending me a video message over text asking how a project was going and apologized for his appearance as he just walked off a job site. Obviously, I had social media stalked and I saw that he's in a relationship with a woman. But could it be possible that he was flirting by sending me a video message?

It wouldn't be the first time a straight boy in a relationship who ended up sleeping with me. Is a video message a way of flirting, or am I completely overthinking this? Thanks, guys. Love, Colin. The fact that he sent a video message that, sorry for my appearance, is next level insane. Yeah. Because it's like, you have the option to text or phone call. You have the control here. No one

sends a video message. Let alone when you look like shit. You can also take five minutes before you go make your video message and make yourself presentable. Totally. You can take a shower if you need to. Well, he was apologizing for how he looked at the job site, not during the message.

Oh, really? I think so. But why did he have to send it at the job site? No way. Oh, yeah, you're right. He was apologizing for the appearance in the video message, which was about something else. Do you guys ever send video messages? Yeah, I do.

Like a pre-recorded, hey what's i think i i guess i have done it i've never done it in a professional setting yeah it's always very casual is it flirtatious i've definitely done it flirtatiously yeah yeah i don't i've i've never sent a video to some like on snapchat but i've never like done it in a text and he asked him what's like how's the project going? How's some other project going? That's crazy. Sending any text is flirtatious.

I don't really know what the signs are when guys in relationships with females start hitting on males. But this sounds like it could be. It's definitely in play. I would say be direct and immediately ask, are you trying to fuck me? Yeah. Because if so, I'm in. I don't know if I'd go there in the end.

Video message? What? Video message of that? No, one of those weird audio messages that exists for a short period of time and then just gets deleted. That's cool. And then follow it up with a bitmoji. And then write the word congrats so it fills the screen with confetti.

Are you guys aware of iPhone stickers? How you can just put stickers in text messages now? It's kind of a weird feature. No, I mean stickers. In the chat, you can basically just plop down a little gif of a kitty over previous text. Oh, like on top of previous text. It's kind of a weird feature. It's not like a native iPhone thing. I think it is a native iPhone thing.

No, I think you have to give something... You have to download a third-party thing and then give it permission to access your keyboard. Yeah, but the fact that it can go over the text bubble means, like, the iPhone has programmed that it allows it to do that, I think. Have you seen the invisible ink thing? Yeah, that's cool.

What's the invisible ink? Cool. It shows up all fuzzy and you can't touch it. And then you have to, like, wipe it. I didn't know that... What's the point of that, though?...for a long time. So I was just like. And then you have to wipe it. I didn't know that for a long time. So I was just like, I guess that text didn't work. I didn't know what was going on. Yeah, and then like you were saying, you can also send the audio, which disappears in two minutes.

What's the point of that, though, to get one of those fuzzy texts and then to just know one second later what it says? I guess in theory, if you're a spy or having an affair, it actually might be useful to the person. You can get away from a person and then. Yeah. Yeah. It is less incriminating. But I've never had it sent in that capacity. It's always just playful.

It's nice. So what percent certainty are you, should he be, that the video message meant? I think what you should do is, if he's interested, is you can now respond with a video message that's kind of flirtatious because that precedent has been set. Yeah. And then just see if it escalates.

Like if he sends one back that's even more flirt, it gets to the point where the guy does something that's like clear, clearly flirtatious because he's still on the fence. Yeah.

And then ask him, Nick's advice, do you want to fuck me? You don't have a limited supply of flirt. Well, you should do that as you're making out. Right.

And the fact that he's a plumber makes me think that he's obviously gay. Right? God, so many great... Unless it's a plumber. Oh, I assume Mario is gay as well. He's fucking the princess, dude. What about the princess? The princess is a fucking beard. He lives with Luigi.

You idiot. Luigi's his brother. What? He honestly never seems upset that the princess keeps getting hit. Oh, right. He's like, oh, whatever. Yeah. You know Mario's last name? It's Mario, right? Yeah, and you know Luigi's last name?

Mario? Yeah. I thought that was a fucking coincidence. No, that's true. They're the Mario brothers. Oh. And that's why. That's their last name.

Link's last name is Link. It's Link, yeah, from Zelda. What? Because they only have a short amount of ideas. Like, it doesn't matter. Just make it all Mario. Is that canon? Mario Wikipedia will say that his name is Mario Mario?

I believe so. Yeah. Someone asked him in an interview years after the fact, and he's like, yeah, it's Mario. That's how little Japanese people know about Italian people they're just like Mario Mario I don't know

I think it would suck to be Luigi be like Luigi Mario I know I have my brother's last name I didn't realize they were brothers

did you think they were brothers Super Mario Brothers what do you think you mean they're talking about them being brothers to other people

I truly never I never thought about it but I'm not I'm not rocked like you are right now that sounds fine. This is insane. I have to take a very long break.

I had a friend in junior high named Dean Yazbeck, and he had an uncle named Yazbeck Yazbeck. Whoa. That blew my mind. Why? The parents were like, I mean, we hit gold with Yazbeck. Let's just double up. Yeah, that's crazy.

We're never going to think of a better name than Yazbek. A slightly younger but taller fraternal twin brother. Did you know there were twins? No. Slightly younger. They're fraternal twins? Yeah, that's what it says. How much younger?

An unnecessary detail. They do look alike. And they are the same exact age, but Luigi was born second. I had no idea they were twins. That makes me so excited. So Mario's older? Luigi was born second. That's so detailed.

That's so detailed, but then they're named Mario Mario. Like, they didn't get that specific with that. Yeah, they spent like a day figuring out their age. And then like, last name, I don't know. Mario. Luigi first appeared in 1983. Were you guys born in 1983? 86. 86. Very good. Alright, just me then.

Did we give this guy advice? Yeah, I feel good. I feel, yeah, permission to engage. Yeah. Sir. Go for it. Alright, let's take a break. We'll thank some sponsors. You guys don't go anywhere. And we'll be back with more questions and answers after this. Hey, Drew. Later, let's take a break. We'll thank some sponsors. You guys don't go anywhere. And we'll be back with more questions and answers after this. Hey, Drew.

Later, Drew. What's up, Drew? And we're back. When do you guys go back to New York? September 4th? Yeah. Are you trying to cram in LA while you're here, or are you just like, don't do anything?

Definitely. Oh, my God. I love being here right now. You're a tourist again. Yeah, kind of. You just go on hikes. Doing hikes. Eating Mexican food. Game nights. Game nights?

You can't do that in New York? It's harder. People don't do that in New York. They don't. You don't go to people's houses. They drink alcohol in New York. LA feels like you go to people's houses and New York is like you just... You go to people's houses and you go home by like 11.30. And then in New York

it's like you go to a bar for like one drink and then leave at 4 a.m. You do see the sun a lot, right? Because of SNL. Oh, yeah. That's something that's like, you know, the after after parties go till like 8, 9 a.m. Wow. And you never, what I've noticed is you never leave an after after party being like, like, okay, I think I'm going to work my way out. I'm going to go say my goodbyes.

I'll be gone in like 20 minutes. It's like you're like in the middle of a beer. You're having a great time. And then all of a sudden you're like, I have to fucking leave. And then you go out into bright sunlight. Yeah, often it's like in a dungeon-y kind of place. And then you don't realize it's morning yet. And you walk outside thinking it's going to be the middle of the night.

And it's like full on Sunday morning. And it's going to be the middle of the night and it's like full-on sunday morning and it's not even like early morning like sun coming up there's a single person walking their dog it's like people it's like commuter time yeah that's such a bizarre way to live you're just like yeah like somebody rushing back i'm late for work yeah it's like it's like when you ever wake up really really early and like you're riding the train trying to do something healthy and then you see just like this guy is like fucking passed out. Right. Oh, yeah. Puking all over himself.

But the opposite. Yeah, I know where that guy is. Yeah. I saw a dude on the subway who was like, I don't know how this worked physics wise, but he was like a full like. 45 degrees. Like I would say even 60 degrees to the right, like somehow fully asleep. Oh, my God. Standing, too.

It was like a Michael Jackson party trick. He just got the right angle right when the train started. Actually, the right angle would be 90 degrees. And you said he was 60, which would be an acute angle. Yeah, right angle. No, I meant like the correct angle. Got it. Got it.

All right. We can go back. Boy, you really got out of your seat there. Sorry. I was like gripping the sides of this chair. Look at that. Nails dug through the fabric. Fuck.

All right, you want to try to answer some more questions? Yeah. Shit. Hold on a second. You guys can talk amongst yourselves. What happened with you? He's got to lean over. Never mind, it's back.

I couldn't get to 60 degrees. Tried to find some non-relationship questions, but we can only get so far. So let's talk about eating out girls. Oh, boy. Wow. We need a guy's name. Brian, it's your turn. Ashley.

Spelled? Spelled A-S-H-L-E-Y. Nice. Oh, man. I feel like every letter you were thinking about, maybe this is going to go, we're going to go crazy. Maybe it'll be a number. Traditional as hell.

The funnier you are, the less funny you have to be. Big ups to Drew. That's interesting. I mean, Drew's still hanging with us. Drew always a pleasure. Ashley writes, here's my problem. I'm always cautious about germs around me, like sharing drinks with friends or using public restrooms. But that doesn't interfere with most of my life, and I like the peace of mind I get from being clean.

This does, however, cause a problem in sex. As you know, sex can be gross. Sweat. Juices. Spit. All of this is fine. Even sexy for me until I have to put my mouth where her honey is. What?

Whenever I go down on a girl, I feel like throwing up and I have to stop. This feeling is worse if she's not clean-shaven. I hate hair in my mouth in general. I think the problem is I can't forget that this is where she pees from, and I feel like I'm lapping up her pee particles. I don't want that in my mouth. What have you guys... sorry, I want to become better at sex and there's only so much I can do with a dick. Have you guys ever tried something that you thought was gross in bed? How did you get over it? My solution now is to take oral sex off the table for both parties

as I am not too excited about receiving blowjobs either. This has worked in my past relationships. However, I want to provide any future sexual partners with a fulfilling experience. I'm a single 23-year-old male. Of course you are. Thank you for any help you can give me.

Lots of love, Ashley. There's a lot going on here. Nothing like having a healthy sex life, like taking oral sex off the table. It is a non-starter for me, and I make that abundantly clear on the first date. I at least like that he's like, I also don't like blowjobs, because I feel like we've gotten plenty of questions that are like, I don't want to eat out, but I love getting my dick sucked. That's what's most interesting to me about this.

Because who doesn't like it? Have you ever heard of such a thing? Do you experience such a thing? Have you? I feel like you just, I don't know. I mean, I guess if he says so, then he doesn't. I mean, you don't believe him. We can't tell him that he's wrong.

I believe him 100%. I guess, I think this is just something where it's like, you gotta get over it. It sucks, but it's like, it's gotta get over it it sucks but it's like it's sex is we i remember when i first started having sex when i was a real young guy oh yeah four four holy shit uh no i wasn't that young uh I was seven. I was really seven. Yeah, I mean, at first when it's... Yeah, I remember being like, oh, this is like, oh, it's gross.

Because, oh, we have to work with the places where we pee. But then you just have to grow the fuck up and get over that. I don't really know how to do it. If you don't want to just take the time to do it yourself. Maybe hypnotic therapy. Wow. Have you ever used hypnotic therapy to get over something? I've been hypnotized on stage in a Vegas show.

Oh, God. Did that work? There is a video of this, and it is spectacular. Nick has the DVD. I will never watch it. Wait, you actually got hypnotized? You got hypnotized? I don't remember a lot of it.

I thought that was a joke. I'll tell you, I walked into this. No, it's real, my friend. I was a full skeptic. It was like a Vegas hypnotism show. And I've been reading about hypnotism a lot, and I was like, I really want to be hypnotized.

And I was like, I don't really believe it. But we went to the show, and Brian and our other friend Aaron got hypnotized. And they were fucking hypnotized. They were really hypnotized. Oh, yeah. No way. It's amazing.

I can tell you about it. It's like you guys saying, no, magic is real. It actually happened to me. That's the thing. I think hypnotists are actually really frustrated because people lump the two together. Basically, getting into a hypnotic state

is a very natural state that happens to literally every person every day. When you fall asleep at night, that place you go to right before you fall asleep where you're like not asleep yet but you're definitely not awake, that's the hypnotic state. And when someone hypnotizes you, they induce you to that state for a prolonged period of time. How do they get you there

if you're not tired though? You are getting sleepy, dude. They say a lot of words, they lead you there and then they rub their little spoon in their teacup. They do. Get out style. It's a very particular way to relax you using your voice.

And you have to really trust the person. And when you get there. You have to want to be hypnotized. What happened when he was hypnotized? So this is how I knew that it was real. It's because I've seen Brian on stage, you know, Infinity. And I know how he is on a stage

and I saw him being that way at the beginning of the show, which is like he's very friendly and he wants to like, please, he wants to like, you know, he's like was doing everything that the hypnotist said and was very cooperative. And then as soon as he was hypnotized,

he became this, like, full serial killer. What? Like what? Like, just was just kind of like, just like, like, his eyes were, like, half open, and, like, he's just, like, talking in a really, like, deep voice. And what did they make you do? They...

I mean, a lot of things. I mean, the more G-rated stuff was, I remember when he made, do you remember when he made his belt a snake? Yeah. I remember being so fucking scared of that snake. I almost couldn't breathe. I was sweating so much.

I mean, towards the end, I had to fuck a male blow-up doll. That happened. And that was the G-rated. With your actual dick? No. I was just humping it. And then did they tell you

that they were gonna to do that? Well, they said that we were all having a porn audition. They bring out the blow-up doll and they're like, this is a very hot sexual partner for you. Go at it. And then were you actually fucking it like you were trying? Everyone had girls, then I didn't have one at all. I was like, I want one.

And they gave me a guy and the whole audience went crazy. And you don't remember that. Vegas shows are mostly homophobic jokes. Of course. It's crazy. So you don't remember that uh i remember it kind of the way you remember a dream like that's sort of the way i remember it's like kind of hazy and like you were not in control yeah not really no so what could he have made you do could he have made you kill yourself well that's the thing apparently you wouldn't you would never do anything you wouldn't do in real life so

if he said go kill your mom or something you'd'd snap out of it. But you also don't know what your boundary is because I wouldn't think I would just fuck a male blow doll on a Vegas stage, but I did. And really went at it. Brian sat on his face.

I was like 69. Yeah, yeah, the 69s. And when you did it, were you like, I'm actually fucking a thing or were you like trying to do jokes?

I wasn't trying to do jokes. I really wanted to do another Donaldson. There was no sense of the audience. I remember hearing laughter or applause and being like, what is this? Why are they there? It's like a wall of sound. It wasn't even people. It was just like, you have no fear.

All your fear is gone. Two highlights of the show. That weren't even those. Yeah, there wasn't that. When they went around and asked everybody their porn star name. They asked, like, they were like, and people were saying porn star names. And Brian said a pretty reasonable porn star name, which was Dick Dog. And in this, like, low, like, Dick Dog, like, serial killer voice.

Then our other buddy Aaron, who is, I mean, we could do an hour-long podcast on this frickin' character. But he said his fucking porn name. Everyone was saying weird sex names. In this hypnotic trance, he said Calamine Potion. And it stopped the hypnotist in his track. I'm just like, Calamine Potion? He must have thought of that before, right? I don't know what.

No, because who would think of, like, what is even the purpose of saying that? Second, the guy, the thing he had to do was every time he heard a certain song, he made Aaron dance, like, river dance style as fast as he could. And Aaron is, like, a good dancer. Like, was trained and is, like like a good dancer like is like was trained and is like a good dancer and he went at it so hard that he puked that he had on stage he vomited he had to leave go to the bathroom puke wall while hypnotized and then kind of like wandered back up onto the stage he didn't know that he was doing that he was still in the trance the the fugue state yeah he kind of was like I

have to like I think he knew he had to puke, obviously, because he, like, raised his hand and went, I have to go, or something. But the fact that he returned to the stage was amazing. I want to see this DVD so badly. I remember, like, it's so funny because I remember watching other people on stage and being like, why are the people on stage laughing? Like, the audience is going crazy, and all the people who are hypnotized are just, like, dead-eyed and staring at nothing.

Then when I was on the stage, and, like, you guys were all laughing, I remember being like, what the hell are they laughing? I couldn't figure out what was funny, why you thought it would be funny. How big was the audience? Pretty big. Yeah, a big Vegas show.

I don't know, 500 people? That's crazy. And did you know that you were going to get chosen? No, so here's what happens, is they have, like, 100 seats on the stage, and they say, all right, come fill up the chairs. So you have to go up on stage in the chair. So anyone can go up.

So the idea is they're trying to get the people who are most susceptible. So if they just choose you at random. It's like an audition. Yeah. So if you go up and fill the chairs, you're already kind of an extrovert. You're already sort of ready to do it. And then once they get you in the chairs, he kind of inducts everyone and tries to see, like,

which eight people are going to be the most susceptible. And you were chosen, because you were most susceptible. It was also, like, a lot of our friends that were going were not into the idea of seeing a hypnotist show.

And I was like, please, God, let one of our friends get chosen. Otherwise, we're just seeing a bunch of strangers, like, goof off. Were you at all skeptical after? Or were you like, No, afterwards, I was fully, I was like, yeah, that was fucking real. We're going to Vegas

tomorrow and I really want Nick. Would you do it? Would you go on stage? I don't think so. I don't think I would work on me. It can work on anyone. That's the thing. Anyone can be hypnotized. If you want it. Yeah, I think it probably can work on you that only like the people who are really susceptible can have to work on them on a vagus stage that quickly.

That's the thing. And you're saying, so with hypnotherapy, they can just inception you, give yourself like, okay, you're no longer afraid of this. And then when you wake up, you aren't? I've heard of different people. I don't know. I mean, I think it's. Yes, you decided for smoking it. Yeah, but I've heard people, some people be like, yeah, it worked for me.

And some people be like, I think it's. me, and some people be like, I think it's on a spectrum. Yeah, I heard some interview with someone who did it for smoking, and they were like, yeah, it worked for a bit, and then it didn't anymore. Yeah, it like wears off. Well, solid's like getting a cortisone shot or something, just like Yeah, I also feel like there's a placebo effect of, oh, I just paid like

a thousand dollars to this guy to say it. I better not smoke again, otherwise I'm an idiot. It needs to work. Yeah, that would be funny. It's like, I'm not going to hypnotize you. Just pay me $1,000 to quit smoking. You don't want to pay me and then still smoke.

That would be a waste of your time. That's a light $1,000 on fire. In response to our friend Ashley, though, I would say I used to not like... Ashley? Whatever. I used to not like olives. Oh, I hate olives.

And I trained myself to like olives. So I think, you know. I'm like halfway there right now. Really? You guys, I fucking hate those things. I can avoid them, but now like if I have one in my mouth accidentally, I'm okay. You can eat it on a pizza, put it in a salad, that's all right. Oh, man.

Pearl of the devil i don't know that many people like go down on a girl the first time and are like this is great yeah i think it's probably if for me certainly it was an acquired taste like beer or olives i remember seeing like in a coffee magazine for the first time when i was like in seventh grade or something and i saw somebody eating somebody out i was like like, that's insane. Do you know that, like, and I, like, talked to my dad. I was like, do you know this happens, too? You talked to your dad about it?

Yeah. Yeah, because, like, my parents had taught me about sex. And I was like, you didn't tell me everything. What's this one? Liar. You're talking to your dad. Did you know about this? This is disgusting.

Your mom's like, trust me, he doesn't. That's enough. No, I'm joking. My father pleases my mother. I remember my dad told me what masturbation was like I had been masturbate I have been masturbating since my hands found my dick like and I thought I invented rose and I was like you guys I thought I'd come up with it cuz I was like I don't know if you guys know this but if you rub your hands on your dick, it feels great. So I was doing it constantly and my parents would be like, stop doing that. But they wouldn't really tell me.

So you were doing it like as a, like a really young kid? Young. Yeah. I mean. Like when I was fucking, you were doing it. Yeah. Brian had been fucking for several years. I mean, I don't remember exactly when, I don't think I was associating it with sex. I just was like,

this feels good. Then, I remember I saw The Thomas Crown Affair. Great movie, by the way. The remake with Rene Russo, which is filled with softcore sex. And I remember kind of being like, I bet if I

do my little hand... I wasn't jacking off the way you normally do it, but I would kind of just rub my hands generally on my dick. It's like you're starting a fire. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, I bet if I do that at the same time as I think about Rene Russo and Pierce Brosnan fucking on his marble staircase, it'll feel good.

And it did, and I was like, I figured something out here. And then what? Then there was an episode of Dawson's Creek that I had to watch with my father. That was the rule if I wanted to watch

Dawson's Creek. And the masturbation came up. And I was like, what's that word? I've heard that word. And my dad said, It's what you do all the time. It's how you embarrass our the time it's how you embarrass

our family it's when you take your hands and simulate sex on yourself and I got like beat red and I was like

oh fuck I've been doing that all the time and you have to watch Dawson's Creek with your dad just because he doesn't want to watch it alone

right it's like when you have to watch The Wire with your girlfriend like you can't watch an episode with Adam or he'll get mad. I think it became that, but it started at

I was like, all my friends were watching Dawson's Creek. My mom was like, it's inappropriate. And then they were like, alright, fine, you can watch it, but you have to watch it with your father so he can, like, walk you through stuff. So after every Dawson's Creek, we had a sort of talking dead of sorts where he would explain

You should start a podcast. That's nice. Talking Creek. Talking Creek. So you're saying it's an acquired taste. You can learn to love this. I think suck it up. Yeah.

Pun intended. No. But yes. I think suck it up because when you eliminate oral sex, you have finger sex and penis sex yeah to have and there's only so many options yeah yes i have a question yes i do because like i don't care about the germs associated with sex like is it is he right in any way shape or form like are there p particles on your penis or your vagina like is that not not really, no. For sure, right? There's pee particles. Well, pee comes out of it. Why wouldn't there be?

Well, pee comes out of a different hole in a vagina. more sterile than saliva. See, that's a thing. Well, yeah,

that's true. I don't think there's germs in it. Well, pre-cum, I know in the dick, I don't know anything, I'm a fucking idiot, but I think pre-cum

is like, it's like, cleanses your urethra of any piss particles or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think pre-cum is like, it's like cleanses your urethra of any piss particles or whatever. Yeah. But I don't know if that happens in the vagina. Or if pee particles are kind of fine. Pre-cum is still...

I get this on my hands all the time. They're going to be around. It's just part of it, pee particles. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, you got to... Don't think about it. I feel like I was...

Yeah. If you're a neat freak and you're like, I need to wash my hands all the time. Yeah. I guess what I'm saying is saying is there are germs everywhere in the world. You're never going to be completely clean, and you might as well not make the thing you don't, like you're going to be grossed out by, like something that feels fucking great. Yeah, it may not have any more germs than anything else. You're just like, in your head though, it seems like it does.

Yeah, I feel like if I opened up every bathroom door with my mouth, that would be really dangerous and bad for me. But is it any worse than making out with a chick? Would you basically do that now? Would you like, you open, you wash your hands, but then you open a bathroom door and you touch a door handle, you touch a desk, you touch a surface, you touch money,

and then you put that in your mouth. I'll take a shit, I'll eat ribs, I'm sucking on my fingers, it's no big deal. This may be a crazy theory that's not backed up by science, but I like to think that there's probably an article that supports it. This is a crazy idea. I think it's good to have

exposure to germs because you don't want your immune system to become like a bubble boy for sure. Yeah, that's like when you give your kid chicken pox early on. There's a balance probably. He is late to the game if he's 23 and doesn't like

going down on somebody. I feel like I was judgmental at first though, but I am remembering how much I do not like olives and I just like, I'm so stubborn. No, it's so different. It's so different. This is giving pleasure to somebody. If a vagina tastes like an olive, I don't know if I would. Here's a question for you.

But would you give the olive to other people? If it made somebody really, really happy, would you put an olive in your mouth just for a minute? You could spit it out afterwards. I guess so, yeah. Depends on who's olive. I am uncomfortable all of a sudden. Just like vagina. I wouldn't just eat someone out because it made them

happy, per se. I would need to have a connection with them. I do it mostly for other people's pleasure. Yeah, I need to please. I have two questions for you, olive hater. One, do you like pickles or same thing? Pickles are fine. I don't love them, but they're fine. Because they're very similar to please. I have two questions for you, olive hater. One, do you like pickles or same thing? Pickles are fine. I don't love them, but they're fine.

Because they're very similar to olives. Not to me. Oh, no way. I disagree with that because I love pickles. And I like olives now, but it took me. I liked pickles from the jump. Interesting. I always imagine they're the same thing.

I hate pickles more than olives, actually. Wow. And then the second thing is, if you can get hypnotized to like olives, would you? If I didn't have to pay for it. Yeah. But, like, you'd want to, if you could snap your fingers and like olives, you would do that.

Yeah, sure, because I'd like them. I'd have another thing to like. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So maybe this hypnotherapy thing isn't such a bad idea for Mr. Peaky Eater. That's not what we've been debating. But it was a...

I feel like... We've always said it was fine. He's got a set for himself. It's like, you like you gotta go down on the next ten girls you hook up with and if you still

hate it then yeah I don't know then I guess find a girl that really hates blowjobs I just feel like

also they exist they're in our podcast sometimes too if you get in a relationship with someone you really like you kind of will like it more it will just

I think that will help that was on my mind too yeah if you're just hooking up with strangers and you really like, you kind of will like it more. It will just – I think that will help. That was on my mind too. Yeah, if you're just hooking up with strangers and you're like drunk and you don't care, then yeah, I can see how that would be. That's another good piece of advice though. Get drunk. Yeah, you got to get drunk. That also helps. What are your thoughts on olive oil?

Love it. All right, we've got to end the show. I've always wondered why olive oil is so much better than olives. Olive oil is good, but you have like – I can see a hundred olive-related questions that you've been jotting down in the note on your computer. Pickled red peppers? I have no opinion. Good man. Great man.

That was the right answer? Yeah, I'm not walking into that hornet's nest and getting on either side of that one. I have a hundred index cards. They're just different pickled vegetables. All right. We're just about out of time. Anything you wanted to plug before you get the hell out of here keep in mind 100 million people

will be listening to this oh baby I guess if all 100 million of you could go to Britannic.com at separate times so it doesn't crash oh that's good watch our little videos our stupid little videos

that was your big thing when you were in New York, right? You would make these kind of epic like Jake and I were churning out two videos a week forever and then you guys all garbage. We made you one a year. But it was like highly produced. Much higher quality though. Yeah.

Definitely. Subjectively. Yeah. Do you have a favorite? If people just want to check out one. I like the most recent one, the faux pas. It's like a time travel one. Yeah, that was pretty. I like On the House. That's probably one of my favorites.

Oh, yeah. That's our favorite probably. You know which one sticks in my mind? It's the free throw one. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The foul line. Foul line?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. All right. So that's three recommendations. Yeah, there you go. Brightanic with a CK or just a K? CK. Brian, Nick, and Titanic all mushed together.

I like that that's the part that people might be confused. The whole name is such a nightmare. Wait, why Brytanic? We talked about this in a podcast two weeks ago in this exact same room. Because we were trying to figure out a name. We were like, hmm, let's see. Oh, okay, Brian and Nick. Brian and Nick.

Brytanic. Brytanic. So you didn't spend a lot of time? I think we saw like you got Jake and Amir. Okay, Brian and Nick. Brytanic. I think we saw like you get Jake and Amir okay Brian and Nick. Britannic. And we're like that's perfect. Everyone will pronounce it correctly always. And when we're 31 years old we'll still be

referred to as like Britannic. Like this made up word. It is pretty cool that you can create it's kind of like what we did with HeadGum. It's like once you know the word you can just register it's kind of like what we did with HeadGum. It's like, once you know the word, you can just register it for everything

because nobody ever thought of Britannic. Right, no, yeah. If you Google it, it definitely will only show up. There is a very funny, I don't know if you've seen Dunkirk yet, but there's a brief little clip in Dunkirk where there's a ship that's pulling up that says, like, the new Britannic on it.

It was a ship. Which was like, you know, it's a British that's pulling up that says, like, the new Britannic on it. It was a ship. Which was, like, you know, it's a British ship or something. A British Titanic. But it's spelled, like, slightly differently, but it's, like, kind of in the font that we use. That's insane. And, like, it was a very fun moment in the very dramatic film. You go, ah. Edge me!

And back to death. People getting massacred on a beach. People ever come up to you come to like I feel it's so embarrassing like oh my god you're um uh and I'll be like oh from Britannic they'll be like no and we grew up in Atlanta what is what is that word you just said it's like oh god no I don't even want to no we're cousins I'm so sorry I never it's a weird family reunion make them get there yeah how do I know you learn that after a while. The same exact thing happened to me, but it only happened once where somebody was like,

how do I know? What do I know you from? And I'm like, Jake and Amir, College Humor. And they're like, no, did you go to North Haven High? I'm like, oh, goddamn me. Yeah, it's like, why did you say your name and another person's name? It's a piece of shit, and I'm sorry. All right, opening theme song, again, you say your name and another person's name? It's so easy. It's shit, and I'm sorry. All right.

Opening theme song, again, was written by Don Kianian. Closing theme song is by Maky? M-A-K-Y. Maky. Maky. McKay. McKay. The dude from Montreal.

Yeah, McKay Lavender. Wow, that's a cool name. And it's a great song, so listen to all two minutes, everybody. And his website is blowfoam.com. That's a pretty good one, too. If you have your own questions or theme song submissions, the email address is ifIwereyoushow blowfoam.com. That's a pretty good one, too. If you have your own questions or theme song submissions, the email address is ifiweryoushow at gmail.com. Thanks to Brian and Nick

for coming by. Thanks, guys. Thank you. Thanks, gents. I'm glad we got you in the first 300 episodes. That was a goal. Every night. Down to the wire. Cool. We'll be back next week. Bye. Boom clap. One time right. Boom clap.

One time whoa. Boom clap One time right Boom clap One time whoa Boom clap One time whoa Boom clap Podcast show what you talking about Jake Amir getting in your mouth Maybe not your mouth but you're tired You better have sex and your daddy's sleeping on the couch Maybe maybe you wanna be

Relationship to chicks a dime, your mama's a bad bitch You're loving your side chicks, you're playing with mad dick But you love her though She used to be your best friend But you fucked on your boyfriend And she used to be your dad's friend Now this shit is a whole mess You wanna move out but you got no money

You want some advice but they acting funny But they acting funny, what's the joke bro? Listen, you wanna move out But you got no money You want some advice but they acting funny. But they acting funny. What's the joke, bro? Listen, you want to move out, but you got no money. You want some advice, but they acting funny. Fuck, man. That's the pinch in the mirror. Whoa. J-A-M-P-I-C-A-T-S-H-O-W. Podcast show. That's the podcast. Podcast show. Whoa. Outro Music show that's the podcast show podcast show that's jake amir podcast show jake amir the podcast show The podcast. That was a hate gun podcast.

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