Segments - 288: Butt Plug (Live in Montreal!)

Episode Date: August 21, 2017

We discuss urine, breast milk, and other bodily fluids live at Just For Laughs comedy festival in Montreal! With special appearance by friend/comedian Jon Gabrus.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Wow! Montreal! Wow! Thank you! Thank you! Wow, this is going to be a good one. I can feel it. You ever get that feeling where you just know

it's going to be a good night? Yeah, dude. Punch you in the stomach. No. Ah! Oh. Oh, no. I can't talk.

Okay. I didn't know how strong I was. That's fucking chill. What's up, everybody? Coming over here, I can see people a little bit more. Yeah, it's scary. And and my god they're hot especially you guys in a blue tank top what are you

dressed in guy doesn't give a fuck who are you wearing and why are you wearing there are a lot of strong people here me included solitary woo that's not gonna fucking cut it. There we go. There we go! It's always sad when one out of 400 dentists agree on something. I think you're doing it wrong. No floss? No. No floss. This is so exciting. This is, I think,

might be our second live podcast. Podcast, yeah. In Canada? In Montreal. We've done a couple in Toronto and Vancouver. I apologize. These suck compared to Montreal, though. Fuck those guys.

We did do 11 shows in Vancouver. Yeah. 14 in Edmonton, obviously. Remember the year and a half we spent in Calgary? That's right. We did do that residency in Ottawa. Uh-huh. That's right.

Ottawa's in the house. Ottawa's in the house. That's good. Good stuff. Good stuff. Good stuff. I have no idea what these fucking words mean. Ottawan, Saskatchewan, Halifax. That's all fine because that's all your country?

That's right. All right. Well, we're from the second best country in the world. Yeah. USA. Hoorah. First one's Russia. We don't want to die when we go back is all.

So we have to pledge our allegiance to Vlad the Inhaler. The one true man. The one man to rule them all. The one man so strong he doesn't need muscles. It's just a round beefsteak of a god all pecs nothing else that's all you need pecs and scalp

oh shit we're excited to be here tonight we're excited and we hope you are too I don't know if you guys has anybody ever seen our live podcast before and is anyone seeing it for the first time? Wow. Awesome.

Wow. Love it. If you haven't seen it before, take out your podcast app and rate us five stars on iTunes. Come on. That's insane. This is so Jewish of you.

I'm just saying. I can maybe climb the charts in iTunes. How can we capitalize on the audience? Yeah. MeUndies coupon code. They deliver to Canada. It's free shipping. Yeah.

You guys ever heard of Modol? Squarespace. What? Squarespace? God damn, would our advertisers be happy to hear that? They shouted Squarespace at us. Give us more cash. They love it more than we do.

And we love it a lot. Of course. All right, let's take a seat and try to answer some questions. Are you guys okay with that? Oh, you're moving up? Huh? I'm going to move back. Really?

No shit. I'm going to face away, bro. Man of the people, Blumenfeld. I love it. This is me. It's less intimidating when you're just looking at a screen. I don't know. It should be intimidating to feel the whole audience turn on you.

It's that mystery science theater shit. So you guys know this is an advice podcast, an advice show. People email us from all around the world seeking our guidance, our advice. That makes sense. Look at us. We're smart looking. I can't figure out how to lower the fucking mic. Look at us. We're smart.

As long as the questions aren't about anything handy. These are real questions, I should say. From real people, we're gonna give them fake names just to preserve their anonymity. If anybody has... Crandus. This is a lively crowd.

We're not going to be able to hear shit. I heard Crandus. Oh, you did hear Crandus? Yeah, yeah, I got a Crandus. All right. Good news, guys. Retire Crandus. Retire Crandus?

I mean, shit. The audience is behind it. That's our agent. So happy you finally made it to a show. All right. Crandis. Who's still very much so working. Right.

She's wearing a retired Crandis shirt. Look at this. This is insane. So cool. The Game Boy is dumb. Your signs are all rude. Don't seize no cheese. You don't want us to do...

You're a big fan, but you're mean. Kanye doesn't sound like that. She hates the hits. I love her just the same. Alright, Crandis, who is a male in high school, writes, this weekend was my senior prom and I got a hot date

that I've been courting. Yeah, that's right. That's correct. That I've been courting for two months. Everything went great. We danced all night. I even kissed her five times. Hoorah!

At first, I got her to make a deal where she would kiss me if I kissed a boy. Huh? would kiss me if I kissed a boy. But by the end of the dance we were smooching without any gay prerequisites. Yes, dude. It's not even the question yet. This is just setting the stage, as they call it. We went to a party after prom, and we were kissing, drinking, and smoking weed. I went outside to get more drinks,

and when I came back in, she was kissing my best friend's brother. Which I had done earlier so I could kiss her. I got really sad and talked to my friends for a while, but later we made out again and had a really deep conversation. Help! There's still help.

We fell asleep next to each other and when I woke up, she had peed on me. Soaking most of my shirt and a pack of zigzags in my pocket and about five people pissed themselves that night probably from the jungle juice however I drank very little so it wasn't me

I was bone sober as I kissed boy after boy and bone dry in the morning I am so sad I'm so sad, Crandice writes as I kissed boy after boy and bone dry in the morning. I am so sad, I'm so sad, Crandis writes, that she kissed this boy on this night

that I had planned for a while. I still like her a lot, but I don't know what to do. She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. Please help. Love, Crandis. Let's give it up for Crandis.

Jesus Christ. Did he start the email by saying the night went well? Yeah, I mean, they kissed five times. Two gay, but three for real. That was pre-piss. I would blow a guy if it meant I got to smooch the hottest girl in the world. Jessica Alba's agent. And would she pee on you too?

Whatever. Small price to pay. The peeing thing was completely apropos of nothing. It never came up at the end. There was a lot of shit that happened and I still don't know what the question is. It's fucking high school, man. It's kissing a guy, it's kissing a girl,

it's pissing on me, it's smoking weed, it's drinking, it's getting high, it's prom, and it's all good. Yeah, it's because the zigzags are soaked in urine. And I will fuck you up. God, that fucking yellow sticky ass shit. Can you tell I rarely get high? I do an edible, but it's mostly when I, yeah, when I just eat a little kidney stone or something.

So this guy is wondering what to do with this girl because you kissed another guy. I like to imagine it as... So did you! Several times. Seems like it's even so far. Yeah. Wouldn't it be sadder if she kissed his best friend's younger brother? Who wasn't? He's nine. Yeah.

When will I get to go to prom? And I didn't even kiss another guy, homo. He's wearing a little boutonniere. I'm just a little proper prince in fourth grade. Sorry, grade four. I can't talk like you guys. Can we talk normal for the show, at least?

Do you mind? Why don't we try to answer a specific question, which was, I'm so sad that she kissed this boy, I don't know what to do. Not a question. That's just unfortunate. It seems to me like this girl, this is the classic case of the guy is not as cool as the girl. Hell, I've been there. I'm there right now.

I'm like, yeah, I'll kiss you. Kiss a guy. All right. Oh, I'm going to kiss someone else. Sure, yeah, I'll kiss you. Kiss a guy. Alright. Oh, I'm gonna kiss someone else. Sure, whatever. Pee on me. It doesn't matter. I love a golden shower. Burn. I'm soaking wet. And it's

fine because I got the smooch. This guy seems a little out of his element. A little out of his league. I say take the smooches where you can get them whether you kissed a guy got pissed on or whatnot it's all good cuz it's all smooching the most beautiful girl in the world you can't change her she's probably a cool 12th grader the least person yeah she went to prom so that's it that's 12th grade to me do you guys have prom here and do you also piss on each other afterwards?

Awesome. Yeah, I think I'm more along. I'm in with Montreal on this. It's fine. You got pissed on. That's kind of neat. It's better than getting pissed off. Yeah.

And she made out with somebody. But she also made out with you. Pretty good. Hell, I'll take that. You made out with people, she made out with people. And everyone got pissed on, and that's prom. Now let's talk about summer camp. That's when she's going to do...

She's going to take a shit on your stomach and 69 your friend's dad. And you should take it if it meant you getting any further than a kiss. A hand job that leads to nothing. That's worth all the pain. How do you feel about the

bargaining was something that happened to me when I was in high school too. Where you say where somebody was like you do this embarrassing, and then I'll let you kiss me. Or like, you do this embarrassing thing, and then I'll show you my nipple. Oh, interesting. And you just debase yourself because that's how desperate you are. Yeah, is it more embarrassing to say yes or more embarrassing to say no? Because like, no means the game is over, you're not having fun.

But yes means you're kissing a guy that doesn't want to be kissed by you. I don't think he was assaulting guys to kiss her. I thought it was like... It is weird though. How do you find volunteers to be like, yeah, I'll fucking take one for the team. Yeah, because that guy's not even kissing the girl. What does that dude get out of it? He's not even getting the prize. Holy shit.

I had not thought about how dark this situation was. I used to play a game in high school where my friends had to point to someone at a party. Oh that's awesome, you had friends. What? I didn't know. Yeah. Sorry, go ahead. Anyway, my friends. That's so neat.

Friends. Do you mean kids that went to your high school? What's that? That didn't like you very much? Yeah, they liked me fine. We were friends. It's fine. I don't know what you're getting at. Well, you don't have a lot of friends, but go on.

So my friends in high school... Ow. You had one or was it two? Now that I think about it, it was college. It was college. All right. Okay, now we get it. They would point to a stranger at a party

and you'd have to touch them. It's kind of a weird little game, so they'd be like, touch that guy, and I'd be like, alright. And the guy would be kind of confused because why did a stranger Jew touch his shoulder? Did he steal his bank account information or not?

And then we would up the ante if we got drunk, hug that guy, or point to a girl, hug that girl. The girls would kill at that game because it's like, yeah, hey girl, you have to hug that. Okay, they're making out. That's fine for him. Now I'm going to touch

a guy. In my teeth. All veneers in your mouth, right? They're like little chiclets, dang them for my gums. Alright, I think we answered that question. Allow yourself to be pissed on. That's fine. Thank you for agreeing.

Thank you. Did we ever properly cheers? No, I don't think so. Cheers, and cheers to you guys. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you. Feels like a Friday a little bit. I can't believe it's Tuesday.

Do you guys have school tomorrow or something? Yeah, but Canada, you guys turn up on a Tuesday, right? Yeah, tepid woos. I love that. It's a summer Tuesday. Yeah, yeah. You know, like, that's like a real Thursday. That's totally it.

I love it. It's a summer Tuesday. Your phone just died. Did it? Yeah. Ah, shit. Christ. I thought I charged it on a summer charger. That's when I hold it up to the sun. Is it battery trains?

Fuck. Why don't you point to someone and get a girl's name? Because when they yell, we can't hear anything. You were at the first hand. Anything! All right, you have to... Jake has to slap you in the forehead as hard as he can.

No, no, we just need a girl's name. You can make it up. That's great. You didn't raise your hand. Huh? Yes, I will. Deafening silence. I'll be able to pronounce it. Tell me what it is

that's not on me she laughed a little bit when she said it no no no give me the name I'm going to show you how fucking cultured I am watch this Marcia writes Watch this. Marsha writes. I'm deaf in my left, and a little bit in my right.

Marsha Leon writes. I'm a 19-year-old girl from England, oddly enough. By way of France, I guess. And yesterday afternoon, I endured the most embarrassing moment of my life so far. Pray tell. My boyfriend and I are starting to have anal again. Good stuff, good stuff.

So I decided to wear my butt plug. I obviously eventually needed to use the bathroom, so I took it out and cleaned it and left it on the side while I went to the loo. So British. But then I left the bathroom and completely forgot the butt plug was in plain view. Next thing I know, my brother, who's 23, is shouting my name, so I go upstairs to see what he wants, and he

comes out of the bathroom holding the butt plug. Yeah. Asking if it was mine. Would have been worse if he was wearing the butt plug. I just said yes and ran back to my room with it while he laughed. Now it's really awkward between us, and I'm worried he'll tell my family. Or worse yet, people we both know.

Help, what do I do? Thanks, love. Marja. Let's, love. Marja. Let's go to for Marja. Okay. I feel bad, because I read this question, and I never really thought about what a butt plug does. Does it just ready your anus

for anal? Is it just an anus for anal? Is it just an anus expander? Yes. It's sort of shaped like a spade and you put it into your butt to expand your anus.

So I think they should rebrand the whole concept. Because sort of being tangentially aware of butt plugs, I imagine it was like, I'm going to shove it up to plug something for some reason. Now that I say it out loud, it doesn't make a lot of sense. Why would you want to plug anything? You thought it was preventative.

Yeah, I thought it was... Hey, if you hate anal, put in this anal guard. It will plug your ass from any intruder. Otherwise, call it like a sphincter expander. Don't call it a butt plug. Butt plug is fun to say and spell, but I just think it doesn't...

But so is sphincter expander. Think of like an orthodontist. Do you guys ever have an expander for your jaw? With a little key? So it's like that for your asshole. It cranks it open slowly over time. So that

when your loved one is ready for it, it slides right in. Your ass is nice and wide. That's right. Isn't that the point of the plug? Well, I don't think you really want the butt to be too wide. I think that part of the pleasure is sort of the tightness.

So the question is, if there's a butt plug, do you remove it right before anal sex? Otherwise, doesn't it return to its natural... You don't fucking push the plug all the way into somebody, out of the mouth. Every butt plug is designed to be thrown up at some point. So how long are you supposed to wear this thing? Honestly, I've never used one.

I've never fucked with it before. Loser. This is only going to have joke answers. But has anybody used a butt plug before? No need to shout out no. We'll assume if you don't yell, then that was the default. We are assuming that most people here haven't. So why don't you, if you've used a butt plug, shout woo.

Oh, you didn't think, you waited. You waited. That actually wasn't her saying woo. From, you didn't think? You waited. You waited. That actually wasn't her saying woo. From the front row. That wasn't her saying woo. She actually farted through her butt. It was like a decoder. It was a whistle.

That's right. It's a little kazoo. Sorry, now I'll look at you and talk to you like a human being. Can you explain to me... Expand. Nice. Widen... Widen our horizons.

Well, um... It's used in... It's used for prostate stimulation So it's like an anal dildo You're saying that a gentleman with a prostate Could use it and find pleasure in that For pegging Of course

So this is completely Does anybody use it as an anal expander I'm asking the question. We're your parents? It's fine. I'm just wondering. We are so far from helping this girl. We're just in the last 10 minutes trying to figure out

what a butt plug is. Sorry. Continue. Maybe you should use my microphone so people can hear you. Very nice. You can share this one. We're just here to help. We love you.

And we want to know why there was a little lava lamp by the sink, honey. You're the mother now. Yeah. I'm the aunt and this is your dad. We're the mother now. Oh, yeah. I'm the aunt, and this is your dad. We're incestuous and freaky like you. Now turn around and let me see if it's bejeweled or what. I can turn the mic off at any point.

Just let me know. No, well, what do you want to know? I mean, I think I know, but why don't you tell Amir what a butt plug is? It's not holding anything in. It is, well, different sizes.

I mean, I'm assuming this girl was probably using it on her boyfriend, although it doesn't really matter. You think she was using it on the boyfriend? Oh, I know. I don't know. I don't remember the question. I'm just trying to talk about butt plugs here. She was using it on her. I don't remember the question. I'm just trying to talk about butt plugs here. She was using it on her. She was wearing it all day.

She took it out to take a shit and that's when her brother found it. Okay, so I guess she was using it to expand her... She hadn't done anal play in a while and maybe her boyfriend's penis was bigger than the butt plugs. Ha!

So... a while and maybe her boyfriend's penis was bigger than the butt plug. So is that a common use for it? Is that average? I want to buy one for my anal leakage and I'm worried about getting off by accident. I have fissures is all. I've got IBS, but no fetish. Yeah, it's a pretty tight seal. I mean, you could. Thank you very much. Well, I think I'm fully equipped to answer this one Yeah, so now your brother found it

That's right Blackmail him Or did you find his butt plug? That's exactly what's up Mom, dad, you come out ahead of the story You gotta go buy a fucking bigger butt plug So when your brother, when he's like, look at this,

you're like, oh yeah, well look what I found in your room. Oh! It's so big! And it's still covered in shit. It's a fucking traffic cone. Next question. We obviously saved the day there. Congratulations, thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, Monchak. I'm gonna buy one on Amazon and see what happens. Really? What's the worst? Are you prime? That could happen. Yeah, I am prime. Awesome. Free shipping. That butt plug is inside me, vibe. At the latest, early Friday.

You know, for $9 extra, they will insert it into your ass. The address? Oh, funny you should ask. Drop it up here and then put it in my ass. I'll be behind my mail slot. Take it out of the box and put it in mine. Own your tip?

You can fish it out of my ass. That's right. I shoved two nickels up there. Or loonies, if you're listening in Canada. Oh, you're so cheap. Ten cents for such extra help. Good Lord, he cut you off. Oh, here we go. Another question.

Why don't the lady who helped us with the butt plug question get to name this other lady who has a question for us? Not about butt plugs, if you can imagine. That's a very sweet name. Hannah. Hannah. Right.

Oh, that's good. Yeah, thank you for finding it. I missed it, but hey now. No, you have to say hat twice. Hat, hat. Yeah, that's good. Solid. The Aflac deck.

QQ writes, Hannah, I'm dating this dude and it's going pretty well so far. We did the nasty last week for the first time and it was awesome except for one part When I caught him beaming down with a huge smile During act two What's act one I assume butt plug related but I'm not Is it normal for a guy to smile during intercourse, or is he a serial killer?

That's a good question. Yeah, Jesus. You can imagine this guy just, like, coming up behind her with a pair of scissors, smiling as she's writing this email. He's nice and all, but I get a creepy vibe from him and I'm not sure whether I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. Do guys

usually smile during sex? It's never happened to me before. Is this as weird as I presume? Love, Hannah. It's good for Hannah. Yeah. I feel like we can answer this question very easily with an informal audience poll.

Is smiling during sex creepy as fuck? Is it fine? There is... Why did you say yes? It's a guy in a clown costume. I can never not smile. I'm like this all the time, ladies.

It's hard to tell what you look like when you're having sex because you never see it. I think the girls would know more than us. Because maybe I am smiling. I'm enjoying myself. What face am I making? Fucking... It doesn't have to be disgusting.

This is awesome. Go ahead and make your face that you make during sex. What face am I making? Fucking... It doesn't have to be disgusting. This is awesome! Actually, this... Yeah! Go ahead, make your face that you make during sex. No. It's like... And then sometimes I'm cracking up because it's so good.

A maniacal cackle? That's right. I'm like the fucking Joker after seeing myself for the first time. Jesus. So what are you supposed to do? Are you supposed to be stone-faced during sex? Are you supposed to be turned on but not smile?

Oh, that's good. Yeah. Jake's doing the Patrick Bateman slash Gene Simmons tongue out point. Because you're pointing to everybody that you're fucking. I imagine this is happening in the worship. It's like after a good three or a slam dunk, you're sort of doing the hell yeah anger joy. Oh yeah, go give me that.

That's very sex. Sometimes I'll raise the roof. Your penis is completely limp live condom fell off So is it weird I bet it's not completely weird it's better than a friend It's better than crying Yeah, but you're not you're saying everything is better then. It's not as good as fucking normal. What's normal? Stoned face?

This. That's also weird. Everything is weird in a vacuum. Just don't look at each other. Oh my God, that was so telling. You look past everybody. Jake puts on an eye mask. Because we're all dead inside And once we know that truth

We can all come at the same time You rock an eye mask and earplugs Oh yeah white noise machine You're like trying to sleep on an airplane Just like You have that pillow The round pillow That's fine too

You spied on me you were getting dome on that jet blue flight over here tear of chips and fucking head baby so would you say this is so creepy grounds for termination serial killer 100 are you saying give this guy the benefit of the doubt maybe he was just happy to be fucking you i I would never see this person again. Yeah. What if the girl was smiling when you were having sex with her? Would that be fine? No, yeah, that would make

sense. I don't know. Smiling is weird. We know you're happy. Just like, fuck. You're supposed to be putting effort in. Smile is like... Why don't we take a look at your sex tape? Oh, this is insane!

Oh, you know what? I forgot to bring it. Bateman move? So it seems like it's split. You're saying it is creepy. I'm saying that it's fine. I don't think it's split. There was like fucking a lot of people saying it was creepy. Yeah, but when you hear a whole crowd laugh, like... Honestly, it was just that guy that said it was creepy. Yeah, but when you hear a whole crowd cheering. Honestly, it was just that

guy that said it was fine. It was me throwing my voice. Is it fine? Okay, there's two. There's three. Who says it's not fine? Can we not fine? Honestly, it's getting a little less.

I think I dug my feet in a little too much. Now they're going against you rather than smiling during sex. It's hard. Totally. We're getting a completely blind survey. We'll ask these people on the way out to fill out a card.

We'll read it on the podcast next week. That's nice. Honestly, I think everybody that said it's not creepy should get fucked by somebody looking in their eyes and smiling. And then I'll ask them. All right, why don't we take a break? We're at about the halfway point of the show.

Let's get a round of applause. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards,

and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do i do yeah i do a lot this this can really heighten your joy that's right i grew up a raiders fan and now i'm just a fan of the league in general but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like

football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kings pick six out select between two and six players for you to put some money on you select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first-time pick six players, check this out.

New customers play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits. Very cool. Download the new DraftKings pick six app now and use code segments. That's code segments for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits only on DraftKings pick six. The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregonconnecticut, must be 18 plus, age and eligibility restrictions

vary by jurisdictions. Pick 6 is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited, one per new customer, non-withdrawable. Pick 6 credits expire in six months, limited time offer.

See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes,

and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. so if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online now is your chance to make your voice heard folks take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah Yeah, you do. We have just a few questions left, but I thought it would be fun if we brought Gabrus back because he was so funny at the time. Maybe he can help us out.

I'm going to start with John Gabrus, everybody. John Gabrus! Back in black! Two chairs? I love it, John! John Gabrus once again, everybody. All right. Here I am carrying out my own chair

like some sort of shithead. And they had a chair for you. I'm here with... Fuck. What? One girl just fucking pulled out a gun and fired five rounds. Shoots a beer in the head.

Mr. President! Why me? How drunk were you at the top of the show versus now? I was less drunk at the top of the show than I am now. That's all the information I'm gonna get. That's all of it. That's the whole thing.

That's the only thing. All right. That's the only thing I asked. All right, John, do you have a guy's name for us so that I can read this question to you? Yes. Day Dawn.

That's really nice. D-A-E apostrophe D-O-N-N. The second D is capitalized. Why? Oh, I said that now. Day Dawn leaves. Wow. Sorry now Day Dawn leaves. Wow. Sorry, Day Dawn.

Everyone say, sorry, Day Dawn. Sorry, Day Dawn. That was almost a lot of them, actually. That was plenty. I feel powerful over strangers. Day Dawn writes, I've been dating this chick for a couple of years now Okay he's

She's not a chick anymore right She's a full blown chicken now Feathers, eggs Everything I look for in a bra God Day Don you're creepy I see you're fucking a rotisserie chicken Hey Kenny Rogers ain't the only one that spins them chicks.

That was good. I just set it in there and forget it in there. Dating this chick for a couple of years, she's a dope mamacita and possibly the woman of my dreams. Well, the other day I was watching porno, and I fucked up. I didn't open an incognito window, so when I was finishing up, I went out for the night,

and the girl got on my laptop to watch Netflix or some shit, and she apparently was curious about my browsing history. Is this Kevin James who wrote this? Why is this the most sitcom set up ever? She ended up looking at my browsing history and ended up seeing all the porn I watch. I'm very into BBW. Do you know what that is?

Big, beautiful women. That's correct. Or as I like to call them, women. Uncle Gabrus has a sickness for the thickness. I'm glad we brought you on. Not a bit. I'm very into PBW

both in porn and in real life. Maserati Monica. Wow. You couldn't even contain yourself from shouting yes. Did you write the question? Yes, Maserati Monica! I'm more of an Ashley Graham London Andrews type guy, but continue, Maserati Monica! I'm more of an Ashley Graham, London Andrews type guy, but continue.

Maserati Monica and Vanessa Blake are my jam. The bigger the booty, the more I go woody. Slant rhyme. Slant rhyme, that's fine. So the problem is now my GF is mad at me because I quote fat chicks.

I mean, she is a nice thick slice of fuckberry pie herself. Because that's what I find attractive. I genuinely think she's thinking about breaking up with me over this. I've tried to make her see the reason, but she can't get over it and thinks I'm just using her

as an outlet for a fetish. What the hell do I say or do to keep this girl in my life? Love, Day Dawn. Let's go for Day Dawn. Day Dawn. I don't know if we should clap for Day Dawn. Do you think, do you guys have the power, I don't know how your podcast works, but do you have the power to shut off Day Dawn's internet and not let him have the internet?

Because he sounds undeserving. You're saying you blame Day Don and not his girl? You don't call a woman a slice of fuckberry pie and expect to get laid ever again. I had a fucking qualm with how he doesn't delete

his fucking search history. When I jerk off, I don't do anything in my life faster than clear the history. I have fucking burner laptops. Yeah, dude. I'm crushing a new laptop under my boot heel by a sewer once a day. I am nutting and quitting and restarting and erasing.

Before I fucking spurt out that last bit. It's burning my house down. It's broken in half over my knee. Signing up for a new identity moments after I ejaculate. The Jason Bourne of porn. You're Jason Bourne. The Bourne identity. You know my name.

Who am I? You are CFNM. Clothed, naked male. We know. Only Jake knew. Okay. I get it. You don't have that in Canada yet.

In Canada, it's universal nudity, eh? Just wait. So do you commiserate with this guy? Do you think your wife, for example, could catch you masturbating and be so offended by what you see? Or does she know what you're looking at? I think she... It's a touchy subject when you have to tell a partner what you've been jerking off.

When do you have to do that? You don't ever have to unless you've been caught doing something. Or you hear your partner's like, hey, let's watch a little something together. And then all of a sudden you're like, I can't show you the shit I've done. All my suggested videos are incest right now.

I went down a rabbit hole and I can't climb out yet. My only saving grace in this world is that I don't have an actual stepmom. Because I watch a lot of stepmom videos where if I had one, I'd be humiliated.

Honestly, dude, I think it's just in the ether. I don't care about the fuck. Like, I will be jerking off to what I think is regular porn and then the girl goes, you like fucking your mother? No. No. She just has the same last name as me.

Are you on any level believing the stepmom stuff or are you just like her saying that while they're fucking? I don't need to see like a marriage license. I like the pornos that start with her holding up a marriage license to the camera. I'm actually married to this porn actor's

father. But I'm his stepmom. I just need a laundry basket in the shot for me to come. I need to see chores have been recently done. The more... The dishes are finished. Yeah, the more front porch a porno has, like, the more setup there is,

the more into it I am. Yeah, yeah. I don't even need nudity to come anymore. I need fucking storylines. Oh yeah, dude. Character development. I straight up have tried to search based on outfits.

Which is when you know you've lost your mind. When you're like, can we get a girl who's wearing dark denim once in a while? How come none of these chicks are ever in rompers? I want them to dress like they're going to brunch in Manhattan. Brunch porn.

Brunch porn, I swear to God, Squarespace. Somebody look that up. It's brunchporn.com. I swear to God, Squarespace. Brunchporn.com. Brunchporn.com. I got an idea where I'm a waiter. I don't want to meet

the actress named Bloody Mary. Ooh! Ooh, get it? War paint. Gabrus goes there. Gabrus goes there because he's been married for a decade. What, are you going to take five days off a month?

What the fuck are you supposed to do? Do you do incognito? Are you incognito? I check my email incognito. Oh, very good. I leave, there's no paper trail. I only go on the internet at internet cafes in Mogadishu. I would be hard-pressed to stand in front of, like,

a jury of my peers and explain my porno choices. Because they... You know, like, it's just one of those things where you're like, I don't want anyone to see how I eat when I'm alone. Yeah.

No less the shit I'm watching right before I crank it. There's another question that starts with, November 14th, 2014, you searched blank. Oh, it was the weekend before Thanksgiving, so of course I was knee-deep in turkey porn.

Turkey porn. So is there anything this guy can say to his woman? He can say to his woman that what he masturbates to has no effect on our actual relationship. Have you ever had a sex dream about one of your coworkers or a friend that isn't me? Oh, I know, that's very unusual, but that's okay because it's a fantasy and shit like

that happens. But this fantasy is so close to her, I feel like that's a perfect out. Doesn't he want you to masturbate to women around you? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, good lord, no. Yeah, it's not good. You like fat chicks, and he's like, obviously. Yeah. Oh, she doesn't know? Worse. That's the hardest. The hardest

part of liking plus-size women or BBWs is never letting your partner find out she is one. Why? You have to be like, but you're not one of them. Of course not. So I find them hot and you ugly. I find you wildly unattractive. You're so skinny, it's disgusting.

Would you rather? The best move you could do in a relationship as a guy, I can't speak for gay dudes or for women in relationships, but as a straight man in a hetero relationship, the best thing you could do is, any time a girl is on TV, just go, she's too skinny. If you just keep going, eh, she's a little too skinny for me,

Not my type. Your sig-eth will go, she is. That's an unrealistic expectation for women. You're watching a Melissa McCarthy movie? What is she, a size four? Who's a size four?

Would you rather your significant lady watch porn of people that look like you or the opposite? Ooh, that's tough because my wife actually has, she, we talk about

stuff like this. And you can, I feel like they're all our friends here and everybody listening at home can know as well. Yeah, you might as well share it. Hey, it's me and my wife actually has, we talk about stuff like this. And I feel like they're all our friends here and everybody listening at home can know as well. Yeah, you might as well share it. Hey, it's me and my wife. She gave me no permission to talk about it.

But she likes two types of dudes. Big, fat, heavy set bearded guys. Great. Or thin, wispy little blonde twinks. That's me. It's one of those things where if you think about it, most of us who are in long-term relationships, your two types are the type that you're with

and the exact opposite. Oh, interesting. That makes a ton of sense. I'm dying to meet a six-foot black chick. But that is your wife. I know. And the opposite. A blonde, hairless boy.

Tonight's the night. What about you, Amir? What do you jerk off to? Don't worry about it. Great question. This is balling 9-11 towers. I'm always beating off while six people are pumping me around in a chair.

Oh, you've seen my... Oh, I love you. Oh, I love you. Oh, I love you. You've seen my bar mitzvah fan fiction, then. It's a fucking Torah portion. There's a yacht in my ass.

It's fine. Is there a specific answer to this person's question? Yes, and I have it. And wait. The same exact thing when my mother found bestiality porn on my computer. This was the real answer there.

You say, it was the dog who was using the computer. Oh? Dog's hands over his eyes. I told my mom it was pop-ups, and it was. And then that's what you can say to your girlfriend that it's pop-ups. Pop-ups? Pop-up ads. 40 tabs of pop-ups, and it was, and then that's what you can say to your girlfriend that it's pop-ups. Pop-ups? Pop-up ads. 40 tabs of

pop-ups? Three hours apart of pop-ups? Sorry, it was pop-ups. You've deleted the history since then. You just tell her it was pop-ups. Are there still pop-ups? Oh, if you're on porn, live Jasmine, live Jasmine, live Jasmine. You fucking know, you know, you know.

All the time, I'm like, who's talking? And then it's like some deep tab who's like, okay, you're gonna come for me. I thought I loaded way too many videos to play. I was like, that doesn't sound like Gianna Michaels' voice, which is about

15 of my tabs. Give it up for Gianna Michaels. Alright, why don't we answer... Do you guys have time to answer one last question? Are you guys good? One more. I should go. No, no.

I don't have the time, though. You have to leave? I'm in a rush to make it to another show. What? Yeah. I'm going to Two Jews Podcasting next door. What? Oh, wait.

Maybe I have the address wrong. Maybe I'm supposed to be here then. That's what people call our podcast. Gabrus, do you want to choose somebody to give us our last male fake name? Yes, sure. Get someone from the back. Can you get someone from the back?

How about this person? I can't see you in the light, but who's standing up with two... Yes, you, the person with two hands up standing. Yes. The one that cared the most. Yeah. You're sitting down. You're not going to give us two names. Yeah, we need

a name from you. Crispin Lavender. Crispin Lavender? Lavender. Crispin Lavender. Of course. We all have regrets. Mine was choosing her.

Crispin Lavender. I love it. You know, she stood up like someone who had a good idea. I've got the one! Actually, this is kind of a question that Gabrus could probably have a lot of fun reading. So do you mind reading this question? Oh, sure.

Is it exclusively written in a New York accent? It kind of is. Crispin Lavender writes. Okay. This is from Crispin Lavender. Hi, Jake and Amir. I recently went to a strip club to celebrate my friend's birthday. Huh?

Huh? Huh? And a stripper invited me up to the VIP. Yes, dude. During her dance, she asked me if I have VIP? Yes, dude. During her dance, she asked me if I have ever tried titty milk, and I said no.

She told me to try some and shoved her boob in my face. In my drunken state, I didn't think very much and just sucked on her boob. To my surprise, breast milk did indeed come out. I stopped after...

I'm sorry. I stopped after 20 minutes. After a pint. I'm sorry. I started reading the next chapter, the next paragraph, and saw one phrase that when I get to it,

you'll go, that's why he paused. I stopped after the squirt and then we finished the dance. The next morning I googled around and learned breast milk can transmit HIV. That's the three letters I saw while I was reading the other sentence. I am scared shitless I got HIV from a stripper. Apparently you have to wait to go as soon as I can. Oh, sorry.

Apparently you have to wait a month to get tested for HIV, so I'm going to go as soon as I can. My question for you, Amir, specifically is... How do I cope with the possibility that I have a life-altering disease for the next couple of weeks while I wait to be tested. Thanks,

Crispin Lavender. Crispin Lavender. A couple of Bumble messages came in while Gabrus was reading that. I've been reported. Does this ring true for you at all? Have you ever had lactating ladies? While you're doing that?

Wait, which part are you asking? The biological part about breast milk transmitting the HIV? I assume that's true I feel like that's Okay, that's true But I haven't had stripper's breast milk in years. Years and years and years. Have you ever had accidental breast milk?

No, I've... It's always been on purpose. Not since I was nine. Wow. I've never had accidental human breast milk. Yeah. Just kissing my dog's tummy every once in a while. Kiss my dog's tummy,

and then I end up on Jake's computer. Have you ever had a scare, a disease scare to that such an extent? No, I've been aggressively monogamous my whole life, which is true. I mean, yes, there's a number of great benefits to being with the same person for 15 years. But one of the top ones is never getting your pee hole swabbed.

Right, you never have to think you have HIV. No, I mean, I'd like to... Well, this guy doesn't have to think he has HIV either. He has HIV. Oh, you think it's for sure? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She is a stripper after all.

He got it. Then that's fine. Maybe that's a good bit of advice is just assume you have it for three weeks. Start living your life like it's the last day of your life. And then when you don't have it, hey, lease on life.

That's kind of nice. That's nice. You get another second shot at redemption. And then if you probably do have it, you're like, you know what? Joke's on you. I already thought I had it I've already come to terms with it it was worth it to drink breast milk I'm a stripper for a second oh that's that's fucking wild yeah how much that shit costs if you don't

accidentally organically come into that situation? Try to get a woman to squirt breast milk in your mouth? It costs a fortune. I've heard. I'll never tell. High protein, high calcium. It's perfect for crossfits. It's a good pre-workout.

My PWO is a fucking squirt of tit juice everywhere. Give me that boob goober, baby. And some C4. C4. Explosives? Plastic explosives? Sure, why not? What was I gonna say? Oh yeah, another good way to rest easy is that people can't have HIV their whole life

nowadays. It seems like it's not a death sentence anymore. So our advice is our advice to this guy is that it's fine have HIV their whole life. Nowadays, it seems like it's not a death sentence anymore. So our advice is, our advice to this guy is that it's fine that he has HIV. He asked you specifically for guidance, and your guidance is... And this is how I would treat myself. I would say, odds are, I have

it, alright, fine, and if I don't, great, and if I do, you know what? There's drug cocktails that'll keep me alive forever. And I don't mean as long as a do, you know what? There's drug cocktails that'll keep me alive forever. And I don't mean as long as a normal person. I mean forever. I'm never gonna die if I take this magic pill. Amir, have you ever

done anything sketchy with a stripper? No. Because I'm afraid of the fucking breast milk thing. So what, are you afraid, what, like, for real though, like, you're not a strip club guy. I gather that based on your... Glasses.

Based on the way, yeah. The way you act when anyone's around, no less nude women. I'm like uncomfortable to ask on mic if Jake has any weird stripper stories. No, listen. Because I've never gotten like breast milk in my mouth, but I've gotten into a situation with a stripper where

I was like, oh, I'm unprepared. This is more than I bargained for. There was a time that I found myself laying supine on a stage with a dollar bill creased across my nose and a stripper squatting on my nasal passage

to pick it up with her vagina. I've had a handful of lollipops taken out of my mouth by assholes. Good man. Literal assholes. The person was a lovely person, but her asshole took the lollipop. I was at a bachelor

party in Albany, and a previous story will actually come into play here. We went to a strip club, and I'm not really a strip club guy, so I was just kind of hanging out on the back. Oh, you're busting my balls for it, but you don't like it either. Leave Capers alone. No, I'm fucking sick and tired

of this shit. I swear to God, he can break you with his fingers. Please, don't give me another wedgie, Amir. I'm taking bully over there. But for real, my taxes are due April 15th. Yeah, no, I followed

that extension. I'm not a big strip club guy, but I am a big woman guy, specifically a big, big woman guy. And this one woman walked by who was about my height and build, which is exciting when you meet a woman like that, and she goes, do you want to dance?

And I'm like, I'm not really a strip club guy. And I'm up against the back wall, and she's six feet tall in her mid-200s. And she fucking takes a leg up and just puts it above my head on the shoulder. It's here, up against the wall. Her vagina is on my chest. And she goes, do you want to dance?

And I go, if by dance you mean wrestle, yes. And she goes, it'll be a hundred bucks, let's wrestle. And for a hundred dollars, I like fought a woman in the VIP room. We like straight up, like gripped up, like on the back of our necks, and we're like fighting in the fucking room. I was like hard as fuck,

and she's like putting her forearm on my neck and shit. I was like, choke me, kill me. That's our show everybody, thank you. Thank you so much for coming, my two y'all. Give it up for yourself. Give it up for Gambris. Jake and Amir! Thank you. Thank you so much for coming, my two. I'll give it up for yourself. Give it up for Gamers. Jake and Amir. Thank you, guys.

We'll be back tomorrow. Thank you. Thank you. That was a HeadGum Podcast. What's the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money.

Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.